{"id":303189,"date":"2014-09-05T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-09-05T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/loyalty-and-decision-making\/"},"modified":"2014-09-05T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-09-05T15:00:00","slug":"loyalty-and-decision-making","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loyalty-and-decision-making\/","title":{"rendered":"Loyalty and Decision Making"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Husband and wife team Tim and Joy Downs tell how differences in priorities, structure, and even the way we make decisions challenges husbands and wives to understand and love each other.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-05.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.03M","filesize_raw":"24145551","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2862],"tags":[5421,5422,5017],"podcast_series":[7783],"cwp_profile":[3233],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303189","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-differences","tag-deal-with-differences","tag-introverts-and-extroverts","tag-opposites","podcast_series-one-of-us-must-be-crazy","cwp_profile-tim-and-joy-downs","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303189\/loyalty-and-decision-making","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303189\/loyalty-and-decision-making","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"8AsE03rXLC\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loyalty-and-decision-making\/\">Loyalty and Decision Making<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loyalty-and-decision-making\/embed\/#?secret=8AsE03rXLC\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Loyalty and Decision Making&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"8AsE03rXLC\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-05.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-05.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Tim and Joy Downs are two very different people. They would tell you they are two very different people. But there\u2019s one thing that they agree on\u2014differences aren\u2019t all that bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>You are different, and you have no idea yet how different you are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>There will be differences that will come up. They\u2019ll surprise you, and they\u2019ll disappoint you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It may take the kids to come along before you discover what you really care about\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>That is normal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014because kids are where marriage gets serious. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>With those differences, God is working in your life to bring about the best in you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>When the differences come, the issue isn\u2019t how different you are. It\u2019s the attitude you take toward your differences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, September 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk about the fact that we are different in marriage and that those differences aren\u2019t bad\u2014they\u2019re just different.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, sometimes, difference can be good. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. We are going to talk about differences today\u2014about some of the challenges that those differences can present. But before dive into what we are talking about, I want to remind our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners about the special offer that is going to expire next week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>You\u2019ve got just a week left if you want to take advantage of a buy one\/get one free opportunity for our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaways. These are the weekend getaways that we host for couples, all across the country\u2014two-and-a-half days at a nice hotel where you can relax, unwind, have some fun, and learn together God\u2019s design for marriage:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat are the biblical blueprints for making a marriage work?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis fall, we\u2019re hosting 14 getaways in Florida, in Texas, California, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Tennessee, Iowa, South Dakota, and Idaho. Then, in the spring, we are in cities, all across the country, with more than 50 events. You\u2019ve got a little over a week left if you want to sign up and take advantage of attending one of these getaways, where you pay for your registration and your spouse comes free\u2014the buy one\/get one free opportunity. It\u2019s good this week and next week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>You can get more information when you go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019ll answer any questions you have about the getaway. We can get you signed up over the phone, or sign up online. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the button that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\u00a0 The information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is available there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, one of the things we talk about at the <em>Weekend to Remember\u2014<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014is just how different we are, as husbands and wives. We\u2019ve been focusing on that this week. Dennis, you\u2019ve already shared with us about areas where you and Barbara are different. You gave us a rather extensive list of that. I\u2019m just curious\u2014where would you say the two of you are most alike?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I\u2019ll tell you what my first thought was\u2014and I hate to say this because this sounds kind of pious, and I don\u2019t like pious people\u2014but I\u2019ll share it anyway\u2014our faith. We\u2019re both committed to Christ, committed to the Scriptures, and we\u2019ve been pretty fierce about that over the years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s so central to who both of you are that, if the front lawn goes to seed\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No; no, that front lawn going to seed\u2014that trumps\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right up there with\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014that trumps the Scripture. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014love for Jesus; doesn\u2019t it? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have a couple of friends with us, Tim and Joy Downs, back on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>The fact that they\u2019re back here for another day is really a testimony of their friendship with us, Bob. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve found some fresh ways to offend them over the past\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And a testimony to their enduring marriage because we\u2019ve put it to the test over this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have. Tim, Joy, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thanks, guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Good to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They\u2019ve written a book called <em>One of Us Must Be Crazy\u2026and I\u2019m Pretty Sure It\u2019s You. <\/em>I think some of our listeners, by now, are beginning to go, \u201cI could have co-authored that book.\u201d\u00a0 You talk about seven areas where we have differences\u2014seven categories. There are a couple we haven\u2019t talked about. One of them is loyalty. Now, how in the world does loyalty create conflict in a marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is it because one is and the other isn\u2019t?\u00a0 Is that the issue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>No, it\u2019s that one is more sensitive to issues of loyalty than the other one is. If you want to understand loyalty, break it down into the two terms: \u201cfaithfulness\u201d and \u201cpriority.\u201d\u00a0 That means: \u201cIn our relationship, I expect you to be thoroughly faithful to me; and I expect to have a certain priority in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIf I don\u2019t have that priority or if someone or somebody else has taken that priority, we\u2019re going to have conflict.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, if a man was a little too friendly with a waitress or maybe was in the airport and watched the opposite sex, a woman, who values loyalty, could really be offended, at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Sure could. And you know, she may never express it in those terms; but that\u2019s the underlying issue. We\u2019re trying to help couples get it down to the point where they can name it: \u201cThat feels unfaithful \/ that feels disloyal to me. That\u2019s why it hurts me so much when you do that.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>How has that occurred in your marriage, Joy?\u00a0 Can you give me an illustration of where loyalty has popped up between you and Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Sure. There are different areas, I think. In the area of\u2014sometimes, when he puts more of his time toward his writing or work, that feels disloyal to me, in that, I feel that I don\u2019t have the rightful place in his life. Maybe it\u2019s just out of balance, at that point, so I feel like it\u2019s petty for me to bring it up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what is hard for us\u2014I think we feel petty. We maybe feel selfish; but really, the truth is that it\u2019s okay to feel that way. Sometimes, it\u2019s rightfully so\u2014that we feel like our place has been taken by something else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, let\u2019s think about it\u2014marriage\u2014there\u2019s a pledge of loyalty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>There is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Faithfulness is something we have pledged to one another. So, a lack of faithfulness is a violation of the pledge; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>There\u2019s a pledge of priority too. If you think about the wedding vow, we talk about forsaking all others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>What that means is: \u201cI\u2019m going to move you into a place of priority that, before, belonged to someone or something else.\u201d\u00a0 When we feel like our partner\u2019s not keeping that part of the vow, that\u2019s a source of conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, if we pledged faithfulness and priority, isn\u2019t it legitimate, when somebody\u2019s not living up to that, that we call them on it?\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019m thinking, in this case, it seems like one person is right and the other one is wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, in Joy\u2019s case\u2014I\u2019m just thinking of you, thinking about \u201cTim\u2019s working too much.\u201d It\u2019s kind of like: \u201cAt what point does too much work become disloyalty? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIs it 50 hours\u201460, 70, 80?\u201d\u00a0 At what point does it move from being petty to you having a legitimate concern about his loyalty to you?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right. And there\u2019s no cookie-cutter answer for that. I feel like each couple needs to talk about that, and it\u2019s based on your situation too. There are some times in our marriage where we\u2019ve felt that Tim has a right to be out long hours. I know he has projects that take a long time\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking of book deadlines. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Oh, exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, if he\u2019s facing a book deadline\u2014and that just means, \u201cI\u2019ll see you when the deadline\u2019s done,\u201d\u2014do you just say, \u201cOkay\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>No. I think, sometimes\u2014even if he\u2019s there in bodily form, sometimes, he\u2019s not there, mentally. So, I need to say, \u201cHoney, I think we need some time to talk,\u201d or \u201cI feel like you\u2019re not really present with me or the children.\u201d\u00a0 It really starts with a conversation. But there are all different marriages that have different strains on their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And so, when you\u2019re facing a deadline, Tim, a deadline is a deadline. You\u2019ve got a manuscript that has to be done; and your wife says to you, \u201cI don\u2019t feel like you\u2019re here.\u201d\u00a0 Logically, I could see how you could think: \u201cI can\u2019t be here. I have to be all there to finish this because my livelihood depends upon it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sounds like you\u2019ve been there yourself, maybe, on occasion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No doubt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Everybody has in work\u2014in one form or another. There are times when you have to say: \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I can\u2019t be here until such and such a time.\u201d\u00a0 But what Joy said is important. When I\u2019m here\u2014when I\u2019m home\u2014I need to be home in body and soul. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>When I\u2019m doing this thing, where part of me comes home but the rest of me is out\u2014I\u2019m not fully conscious \/ I\u2019m not fully engaged with her\u2014that\u2019s something I can actually control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And if you can say to Joy: \u201cLook. I have this deadline. When the deadline is over, I\u2019m going to block out this time\u2014that\u2019s for us, and we\u2019ll reconnect. So, ride the wave with me and then we\u2019ll be there.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s better than just to say, \u201cHey, look, this is the way it is, and we\u2019ll get some time sometime\u201d; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Exactly. And the problem is, in marriage, sometimes, we\u2019re going deadline to deadline. It\u2019s always a promise of what we\u2019re going to have once we\u2019ve reached this next hurdle\u2014it never happens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When that\u2019s the case, then, the pledge of priority that we made when we got married is being violated at a fundamental level. Somebody has the right to reach in the back pocket, pull out the yellow flag, throw it on the field, and go: \u201cWait. There\u2019s a penalty going on here\u201d; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Exactly. I think women can be guilty of this, too, only it takes different forms. Maybe they are working outside the home\u2014so it takes that form. But I\u2019ve certainly been on committees and headed up certain things, where it\u2019s taken a lot of my time. I can be on the phone a lot \/ I can be even out a lot. Tim has a right to say, \u201cHoney, I don\u2019t feel like we\u2019re connecting.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think as big as that may be, bigger than that is when the kids come along. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s real easy for the kids to move up on the priority scale, ahead of the husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, all of a sudden, the husband\u2019s going, \u201cRemember me?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYes, I know, but the kids <em>need<\/em> me. You\u2019re pretty much self-sufficient.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s not a good way for a marriage to work, either; is it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>No. No. As empty nesters now, we especially see that\u2014that you want your marriage to survive your children and you want to like each other, after the children are grown and gone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That working okay for you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Alright. I\u2019m just making sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>I still like him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright. Let\u2019s go to the next one\u2014the area of order and the discussion of how our differences\u2014in how we deal with things being in their place, and structure, and organization. I\u2019m married to a woman who has a high value of order\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>There you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014I\u2019m telling you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Some people like their ducks in a row. Other people have ducks, but they\u2019re not sure where they put them. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Like them floating around in the pond. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right, exactly. \u201cI think I had some ducks. Do you see my ducks?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So between you two, let me just take an off the cuff guess\u2014you\u2019re extremely ordered and the extrovert you\u2019re married to is kind of spontaneous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No, I think it\u2019s the other way around. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, you know what. It\u2019s funny. We ride the fence a little more on this one. It depends on where you\u2019re talking. If it\u2019s work for me, I\u2019m very structured. If it\u2019s off-time, I want lack of structure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, a classic disagreement for Joy and for me: Vacation is coming. For me, I live by structure and schedule in my work time\u2014so, vacation means no schedule. For Joy, she wants a schedule for vacation because we don\u2019t get much vacation. If there\u2019s no schedule, we won\u2019t make best use of the time. So, we can actually end up disagreeing\u2014arguing about our off-time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. You\u2019re flip-flopping. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m hearing you say you need time off where you\u2019re not driven by the schedule, while, all of a sudden, she\u2019s going, \u201cI need a schedule.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Exactly. We\u2019ve had to learn to compromise in that. What we\u2019ve learned to do is to schedule unscheduled times. So, vacation is coming\u2014and we\u2019ll actually set up a schedule\u2014but, within that schedule, there\u2019s three hours\/four hours when there will be no schedule. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat satisfies my desire and her desire as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You also spent some time looking at the fact that some people are fast processors \/ other people are slow processors, some people are quick decision-makers\/ other people are slower thinkers\u2014more deliberate. We\u2019ve faced this in our marriage. I was talking to Mary Ann, just last night, about the fact that I\u2019m pretty confident in making a decision. It could be wrong, but that\u2019s okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Have you ever lost an argument?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, there are many ways to lose an argument. [Laughter]\u00a0 Let me just say, you can be right\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and lose the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and lose an argument. That\u2019s happened to me many times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Bob is lightning fast at processing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m a quick processor \/ quick decision-maker. Mary Ann is slower and more deliberate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s a classic example. We\u2019ll go out shopping for clothing. I\u2019ll bring home a new shirt, and she\u2019ll bring home a new shirt; okay?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I bring home the new shirt\u2014tomorrow, what am I wearing?\u2014the new shirt. I just bought it!\u00a0 It\u2019s my new shirt\u2014I want to wear it. When she brings home a new shirt\u2014tomorrow, where is it?\u00a0 It\u2019s at the end of the bed, as she\u2019s still thinking about whether she\u2019s going to keep it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. It\u2019s probably already back at J.Crew\u2014she\u2019s returned it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I will say that there are things that I\u2019ve brought home, put on\u2014wore the next day. A month later, I went: \u201cYes, I probably shouldn\u2019t have bought that. It\u2019s pretty creepy looking on me.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 But it\u2019s, again, how we process data. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMary Ann and I were talking about this because one of our children wrestles with decision-making\u2014a slow processor \/ think about it. I said, \u201cHow do we help this child make quicker decisions?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, I think we have to get to the root issue of why the child is delaying decision-making.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cOkay, well, help me figure that out because I don\u2019t know what a root issue for that would be because I just make them quick.\u201d\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s not that a quick decision-maker is right and a slow processor is wrong. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, there have been many times when her slow processing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014has bailed me out\u2014when she said \u201cYou didn\u2019t think about this, and this, and this; did you?\u201d\u00a0 And I went, \u201cNo, I didn\u2019t.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, between you two\u2014\u201cWho is the quick decision-maker?\u201d\u2014and the other one, \u201cWho\u2019s the slower processor?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I\u2019ll decide that. [Laughter]\u00a0 I\u2019m the quick decision-maker. And you know, Bob, you\u2019re right. It\u2019s just a personality issue because, when you\u2019re a quick decision-maker, that just says, \u201cI am satisfied making decisions this way, and I don\u2019t look back.\u201d\u00a0 So, I sum things up fast, make a decision, move on, and never revisit it again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy will take more time, and she\u2019ll be more analytical. She sees parts of a decision I never see, and she will revisit her decision later on. I rarely ever say, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m not sure I should have done that,\u201d because I\u2019ve moved on to the next decision by that time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I have made, in my life, quick decisions that were outside my area of competency\u2014that I\u2019ve been embarrassed by later on. I\u2019m thinking of carpeting in the studio, back all those years ago; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You do not want to trust your carpeting choices to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It doesn\u2019t really matter how much time it takes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You can trust your microphone to Bob, but I\u2019m going to tell you something\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Carpeting\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014we actually operated this broadcast out of a closet\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>For a while.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014for a while, and actually won some awards out of that closet.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We did. That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was pretty good\u2014maybe ought to go back there. Anyway, Bob picked out this carpeting. What color was it, Bob?\u00a0 Was it purple?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It had kind of a purple hue to it, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I walked in, and what did I say?\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019m not the most sensitive guy around colors and stuff like that because I married an artist; okay?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think you walked in and said, \u201cUhh-uh.\u201d\u00a0 I think that is what it was: \u201cUhh-uh. No. No, this must change.\u201d\u00a0 It was doing something to your vision. It was causing disequilibrium or something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think so. You know, in our marriage, this has shown up repeatedly\u2014our differences. Again, I\u2019m a quick processor and make decisions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhere it shows up the most is around scheduling\u2014airplane flights, trips, deciding how many days we\u2019re going to be gone. It doesn\u2019t take me long to decide, but Barbara needs an email trail that is several weeks\u2019 long to kind of process this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith airline tickets being what they are, and the cost of traveling, and the need to make a decision so you can book appointments\u2014the number of times that we have argued about this, Tim\u2014I mean, it\u2019s astounding how we\u2019ve argued about this because she\u2019ll say, \u201cI just didn\u2019t have time to be able to make the decision.\u201d\u00a0 Now, in that situation, how do you handle it?\u00a0 I was out in front of it, far enough in advance, and the processor was running <em>real slow<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, the problem here is that you may spend your time disagreeing about the plan, or the flight, or the vacation instead of talking about the way you make your decision. We find that couples seldom look deep enough to say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 We just decide in different ways.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, you can help a couple to actually set a deadline for a decision\u2014or even decide you\u2019ll have a period when you\u2019ll revisit the decision\u2014but \u201cAfter two days, we\u2019ll just agree we\u2019re not going back there any more\u2014no more revisiting.\u201d\u00a0 You can actually address <em>the way<\/em> you make your decision instead of just constantly talking about decision after decision. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s good advice. I can see how that could work. Now, what about you two?\u00a0 What\u2019s an area in your marriage, over the years, where you\u2019ve had conflict repeatedly around this area, right here, of making a decision?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It might have to do for us with the kids. I just tend to sum things up and go: \u201cA or B?\u00a0 It\u2019s A. Let\u2019s move on.\u201d\u00a0 But for Joy, it\u2019s complex. Life is complex, and she wants to think about it more. She wants to consider things and, then, go back and revisit them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Are you talking about discipline?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It can be discipline. It can be an issue\u2014something\u2019s come up at school. We\u2019ve got this situation to deal with the kids. How do we deal with it?\u00a0 I tend to just take them off the cuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, \u201cShould Tommy take band or French next year?\u201d\u00a0 And you just go, \u201cHmm, probably French.\u201d It\u2019s done, in your mind; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Joy, you\u2019re kind of wishing he\u2019d enter into weighing out the pros and the cons, like you\u2019re trying to do in your own mind. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve confessed that, as fast processors \/ fast decision-makers, that it does help us to have somebody slowing us down. Has it benefitted you, over the years, to be married to somebody who makes quick decisions?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Yes, I think so. There are times where you know you need to make a quicker decision. I think that I live with regret; and sometimes I\u2019ve had to just say: \u201cI\u2019m not going to regret that. I\u2019m just going to move on, and so be it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Both of you are going to get a shot at this question\u2014kind of summarizing what we\u2019ve talked about here this week. You\u2019ve got 60 seconds, each, to give your best advice to a brand-new married couple. I just got the \u201cThank you,\u201d from them. They just got married\u2014got the sunset picture on the beach. They\u2019re starting out their marriage together. They\u2019ve got the little address on the back of the card\u2014first year of marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s your best advice, Joy, in terms of how they make the most sense out of their differences because they have no idea how different they are?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>I think I would first tell them to recognize that there will be differences that will come up. They\u2019ll surprise you, and they\u2019ll disappoint you, and that that is normal\u2014just to realize that, with those differences, God is working in your life to bring about the best in you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, it will look like the worst in you, and you\u2019ll be angry with your spouse for bringing those things out; but I think just try to look at your spouse as a gift from God.\u00a0 We say that so frequently\u2014but to realize that he or she\u2014they\u2019re in your life for a reason. God can use that for the best. Try to learn as much as you can. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve written a few books \/ you all have written a few books\u2014but try to learn all that you can\u2014through reading \/ through a mentor couple\u2014as much as you can about the differences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, just try to talk about those things together. I think a lot of miscommunication and hurt comes from people when they don\u2019t talk about things that hurt them or bother them. So, bring it up in as loving a way as you can.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I agree with Joy because I always agree with Joy\u2014[Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Because it\u2019s safe to agree with\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re sounding like James Carville, at this point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014because we always think alike on everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>No, I would say the same thing. I think that I would tell couples: \u201cYou are different, and you have no idea <em>yet<\/em> how different you are. It may take the kids to come along before you discover what you really care about in life because kids are where marriage gets serious. When the differences come, the issue is not how different you are\u2014it\u2019s the attitude you take toward your differences.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cJoy described it well\u2014if you realize part of the reason for marriage is to help couples be reshaped by God into the people he intended us to be\u2014then, you recognize those differences\u2014those are tools. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThey\u2019re not accidents. We are supposed to be different. If two of you think alike, one of you is unnecessary. So, if you can embrace the differences and learn to kind of enjoy that experience of becoming who you are supposed to be, you\u2019ll take a whole different view of conflict in marriage.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I would add one word and one piece of advice to what you just said. The word is \u201ccommitment\u201d\u2014commitment to Christ and to one another because that commitment is going to overlook a multitude of disappointments over your lifetime together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the piece of advice: \u201cGo hear Tim and Joy at a <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway<em>.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 As a young couple, starting out your marriage, you can do nothing better than to go saturate your soul with the biblical blueprints for how you build a marriage and a family because you\u2019re not going to get it from the culture. What you need to do is\u2014you need to hear real, authentic people, like Tim and Joy, who are on our speaker team. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou need to hear them talk about how they\u2019ve applied the Bible in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>And I just want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d to both of you for your friendship and for being on the team. You guys are great teammates and speaking the truth about family across the country\u2014just appreciate you and appreciate you being on this broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Our privilege. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, it\u2019s a great weekend too. It\u2019s a lot of fun. You laugh a lot. It really is a great getaway time for a couple\u2014whether you\u2019re just starting a marriage or whether you need a break\u2014maybe, it\u2019s been a while since the two of you have had some time away, just to be together and relax and spend time together. The <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway\u2014it\u2019s that\u2014it\u2019s a getaway. But at the same time, it can have a profound impact on your marriage and can keep you guys headed in the right direction. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have 14 <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways coming up this fall. We\u2019re going to be hosting events in Florida, in Texas, California, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Tennessee, Iowa, South Dakota, and Idaho. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you live in any of those states\u2014or if you like to travel and spend a nice weekend getaway in Texas, or California, or Florida, or Colorado, or any of those states\u2014you can get more information about where we are hosting the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link that says, \u201cGO DEEPER\u201d; and the information about the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway is available right there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, this week and next week, you can sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. When you pay the regular price for your registration, your spouse comes free. So, it\u2019s a buy one\/get one free opportunity. It\u2019s good through the end of next week. We hope our listeners will take advantage of this. Go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com and plan to join us at one of these upcoming events; or call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Get registered for an upcoming event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want to register now for the spring, go ahead and lock things in and take advantage of the special rate. You can do that. Again, register, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and register over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have any questions, give us a call; or check us out, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d That\u2019s where you\u2019ll find the information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. We hope you\u2019ll plan to come join us at one of these events this fall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.03M"],"filesize_raw":["24145551"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303189.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303189.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776432323;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Husband and wife team Tim and Joy Downs tell how differences in priorities, structure, and even the way we make decisions challenges husbands and wives to understand and love each other.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Tim and Joy Downs are two very different people. They would tell you they are two very different people. But there\u2019s one thing that they agree on\u2014differences aren\u2019t all that bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>You are different, and you have no idea yet how different you are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>There will be differences that will come up. They\u2019ll surprise you, and they\u2019ll disappoint you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It may take the kids to come along before you discover what you really care about\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>That is normal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014because kids are where marriage gets serious. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>With those differences, God is working in your life to bring about the best in you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>When the differences come, the issue isn\u2019t how different you are. It\u2019s the attitude you take toward your differences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, September 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk about the fact that we are different in marriage and that those differences aren\u2019t bad\u2014they\u2019re just different.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, sometimes, difference can be good. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. We are going to talk about differences today\u2014about some of the challenges that those differences can present. But before dive into what we are talking about, I want to remind our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners about the special offer that is going to expire next week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>You\u2019ve got just a week left if you want to take advantage of a buy one\/get one free opportunity for our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaways. These are the weekend getaways that we host for couples, all across the country\u2014two-and-a-half days at a nice hotel where you can relax, unwind, have some fun, and learn together God\u2019s design for marriage:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat are the biblical blueprints for making a marriage work?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis fall, we\u2019re hosting 14 getaways in Florida, in Texas, California, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Tennessee, Iowa, South Dakota, and Idaho. Then, in the spring, we are in cities, all across the country, with more than 50 events. You\u2019ve got a little over a week left if you want to sign up and take advantage of attending one of these getaways, where you pay for your registration and your spouse comes free\u2014the buy one\/get one free opportunity. It\u2019s good this week and next week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>You can get more information when you go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019ll answer any questions you have about the getaway. We can get you signed up over the phone, or sign up online. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the button that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\u00a0 The information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is available there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, one of the things we talk about at the <em>Weekend to Remember\u2014<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014is just how different we are, as husbands and wives. We\u2019ve been focusing on that this week. Dennis, you\u2019ve already shared with us about areas where you and Barbara are different. You gave us a rather extensive list of that. I\u2019m just curious\u2014where would you say the two of you are most alike?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I\u2019ll tell you what my first thought was\u2014and I hate to say this because this sounds kind of pious, and I don\u2019t like pious people\u2014but I\u2019ll share it anyway\u2014our faith. We\u2019re both committed to Christ, committed to the Scriptures, and we\u2019ve been pretty fierce about that over the years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s so central to who both of you are that, if the front lawn goes to seed\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No; no, that front lawn going to seed\u2014that trumps\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right up there with\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014that trumps the Scripture. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014love for Jesus; doesn\u2019t it? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have a couple of friends with us, Tim and Joy Downs, back on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>The fact that they\u2019re back here for another day is really a testimony of their friendship with us, Bob. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve found some fresh ways to offend them over the past\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And a testimony to their enduring marriage because we\u2019ve put it to the test over this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have. Tim, Joy, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thanks, guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Good to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They\u2019ve written a book called <em>One of Us Must Be Crazy\u2026and I\u2019m Pretty Sure It\u2019s You. <\/em>I think some of our listeners, by now, are beginning to go, \u201cI could have co-authored that book.\u201d\u00a0 You talk about seven areas where we have differences\u2014seven categories. There are a couple we haven\u2019t talked about. One of them is loyalty. Now, how in the world does loyalty create conflict in a marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is it because one is and the other isn\u2019t?\u00a0 Is that the issue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>No, it\u2019s that one is more sensitive to issues of loyalty than the other one is. If you want to understand loyalty, break it down into the two terms: \u201cfaithfulness\u201d and \u201cpriority.\u201d\u00a0 That means: \u201cIn our relationship, I expect you to be thoroughly faithful to me; and I expect to have a certain priority in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIf I don\u2019t have that priority or if someone or somebody else has taken that priority, we\u2019re going to have conflict.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, if a man was a little too friendly with a waitress or maybe was in the airport and watched the opposite sex, a woman, who values loyalty, could really be offended, at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Sure could. And you know, she may never express it in those terms; but that\u2019s the underlying issue. We\u2019re trying to help couples get it down to the point where they can name it: \u201cThat feels unfaithful \/ that feels disloyal to me. That\u2019s why it hurts me so much when you do that.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>How has that occurred in your marriage, Joy?\u00a0 Can you give me an illustration of where loyalty has popped up between you and Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Sure. There are different areas, I think. In the area of\u2014sometimes, when he puts more of his time toward his writing or work, that feels disloyal to me, in that, I feel that I don\u2019t have the rightful place in his life. Maybe it\u2019s just out of balance, at that point, so I feel like it\u2019s petty for me to bring it up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what is hard for us\u2014I think we feel petty. We maybe feel selfish; but really, the truth is that it\u2019s okay to feel that way. Sometimes, it\u2019s rightfully so\u2014that we feel like our place has been taken by something else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, let\u2019s think about it\u2014marriage\u2014there\u2019s a pledge of loyalty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>There is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Faithfulness is something we have pledged to one another. So, a lack of faithfulness is a violation of the pledge; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>There\u2019s a pledge of priority too. If you think about the wedding vow, we talk about forsaking all others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>What that means is: \u201cI\u2019m going to move you into a place of priority that, before, belonged to someone or something else.\u201d\u00a0 When we feel like our partner\u2019s not keeping that part of the vow, that\u2019s a source of conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, if we pledged faithfulness and priority, isn\u2019t it legitimate, when somebody\u2019s not living up to that, that we call them on it?\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019m thinking, in this case, it seems like one person is right and the other one is wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, in Joy\u2019s case\u2014I\u2019m just thinking of you, thinking about \u201cTim\u2019s working too much.\u201d It\u2019s kind of like: \u201cAt what point does too much work become disloyalty? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIs it 50 hours\u201460, 70, 80?\u201d\u00a0 At what point does it move from being petty to you having a legitimate concern about his loyalty to you?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right. And there\u2019s no cookie-cutter answer for that. I feel like each couple needs to talk about that, and it\u2019s based on your situation too. There are some times in our marriage where we\u2019ve felt that Tim has a right to be out long hours. I know he has projects that take a long time\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking of book deadlines. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Oh, exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, if he\u2019s facing a book deadline\u2014and that just means, \u201cI\u2019ll see you when the deadline\u2019s done,\u201d\u2014do you just say, \u201cOkay\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>No. I think, sometimes\u2014even if he\u2019s there in bodily form, sometimes, he\u2019s not there, mentally. So, I need to say, \u201cHoney, I think we need some time to talk,\u201d or \u201cI feel like you\u2019re not really present with me or the children.\u201d\u00a0 It really starts with a conversation. But there are all different marriages that have different strains on their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And so, when you\u2019re facing a deadline, Tim, a deadline is a deadline. You\u2019ve got a manuscript that has to be done; and your wife says to you, \u201cI don\u2019t feel like you\u2019re here.\u201d\u00a0 Logically, I could see how you could think: \u201cI can\u2019t be here. I have to be all there to finish this because my livelihood depends upon it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sounds like you\u2019ve been there yourself, maybe, on occasion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No doubt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Everybody has in work\u2014in one form or another. There are times when you have to say: \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I can\u2019t be here until such and such a time.\u201d\u00a0 But what Joy said is important. When I\u2019m here\u2014when I\u2019m home\u2014I need to be home in body and soul. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>When I\u2019m doing this thing, where part of me comes home but the rest of me is out\u2014I\u2019m not fully conscious \/ I\u2019m not fully engaged with her\u2014that\u2019s something I can actually control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And if you can say to Joy: \u201cLook. I have this deadline. When the deadline is over, I\u2019m going to block out this time\u2014that\u2019s for us, and we\u2019ll reconnect. So, ride the wave with me and then we\u2019ll be there.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s better than just to say, \u201cHey, look, this is the way it is, and we\u2019ll get some time sometime\u201d; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Exactly. And the problem is, in marriage, sometimes, we\u2019re going deadline to deadline. It\u2019s always a promise of what we\u2019re going to have once we\u2019ve reached this next hurdle\u2014it never happens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When that\u2019s the case, then, the pledge of priority that we made when we got married is being violated at a fundamental level. Somebody has the right to reach in the back pocket, pull out the yellow flag, throw it on the field, and go: \u201cWait. There\u2019s a penalty going on here\u201d; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Exactly. I think women can be guilty of this, too, only it takes different forms. Maybe they are working outside the home\u2014so it takes that form. But I\u2019ve certainly been on committees and headed up certain things, where it\u2019s taken a lot of my time. I can be on the phone a lot \/ I can be even out a lot. Tim has a right to say, \u201cHoney, I don\u2019t feel like we\u2019re connecting.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think as big as that may be, bigger than that is when the kids come along. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s real easy for the kids to move up on the priority scale, ahead of the husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, all of a sudden, the husband\u2019s going, \u201cRemember me?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYes, I know, but the kids <em>need<\/em> me. You\u2019re pretty much self-sufficient.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s not a good way for a marriage to work, either; is it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>No. No. As empty nesters now, we especially see that\u2014that you want your marriage to survive your children and you want to like each other, after the children are grown and gone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That working okay for you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Alright. I\u2019m just making sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>I still like him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright. Let\u2019s go to the next one\u2014the area of order and the discussion of how our differences\u2014in how we deal with things being in their place, and structure, and organization. I\u2019m married to a woman who has a high value of order\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>There you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014I\u2019m telling you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Some people like their ducks in a row. Other people have ducks, but they\u2019re not sure where they put them. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Like them floating around in the pond. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right, exactly. \u201cI think I had some ducks. Do you see my ducks?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So between you two, let me just take an off the cuff guess\u2014you\u2019re extremely ordered and the extrovert you\u2019re married to is kind of spontaneous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No, I think it\u2019s the other way around. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, you know what. It\u2019s funny. We ride the fence a little more on this one. It depends on where you\u2019re talking. If it\u2019s work for me, I\u2019m very structured. If it\u2019s off-time, I want lack of structure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, a classic disagreement for Joy and for me: Vacation is coming. For me, I live by structure and schedule in my work time\u2014so, vacation means no schedule. For Joy, she wants a schedule for vacation because we don\u2019t get much vacation. If there\u2019s no schedule, we won\u2019t make best use of the time. So, we can actually end up disagreeing\u2014arguing about our off-time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. You\u2019re flip-flopping. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m hearing you say you need time off where you\u2019re not driven by the schedule, while, all of a sudden, she\u2019s going, \u201cI need a schedule.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Exactly. We\u2019ve had to learn to compromise in that. What we\u2019ve learned to do is to schedule unscheduled times. So, vacation is coming\u2014and we\u2019ll actually set up a schedule\u2014but, within that schedule, there\u2019s three hours\/four hours when there will be no schedule. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat satisfies my desire and her desire as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You also spent some time looking at the fact that some people are fast processors \/ other people are slow processors, some people are quick decision-makers\/ other people are slower thinkers\u2014more deliberate. We\u2019ve faced this in our marriage. I was talking to Mary Ann, just last night, about the fact that I\u2019m pretty confident in making a decision. It could be wrong, but that\u2019s okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Have you ever lost an argument?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, there are many ways to lose an argument. [Laughter]\u00a0 Let me just say, you can be right\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and lose the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and lose an argument. That\u2019s happened to me many times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Bob is lightning fast at processing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m a quick processor \/ quick decision-maker. Mary Ann is slower and more deliberate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s a classic example. We\u2019ll go out shopping for clothing. I\u2019ll bring home a new shirt, and she\u2019ll bring home a new shirt; okay?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I bring home the new shirt\u2014tomorrow, what am I wearing?\u2014the new shirt. I just bought it!\u00a0 It\u2019s my new shirt\u2014I want to wear it. When she brings home a new shirt\u2014tomorrow, where is it?\u00a0 It\u2019s at the end of the bed, as she\u2019s still thinking about whether she\u2019s going to keep it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. It\u2019s probably already back at J.Crew\u2014she\u2019s returned it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I will say that there are things that I\u2019ve brought home, put on\u2014wore the next day. A month later, I went: \u201cYes, I probably shouldn\u2019t have bought that. It\u2019s pretty creepy looking on me.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 But it\u2019s, again, how we process data. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMary Ann and I were talking about this because one of our children wrestles with decision-making\u2014a slow processor \/ think about it. I said, \u201cHow do we help this child make quicker decisions?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, I think we have to get to the root issue of why the child is delaying decision-making.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cOkay, well, help me figure that out because I don\u2019t know what a root issue for that would be because I just make them quick.\u201d\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s not that a quick decision-maker is right and a slow processor is wrong. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, there have been many times when her slow processing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014has bailed me out\u2014when she said \u201cYou didn\u2019t think about this, and this, and this; did you?\u201d\u00a0 And I went, \u201cNo, I didn\u2019t.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, between you two\u2014\u201cWho is the quick decision-maker?\u201d\u2014and the other one, \u201cWho\u2019s the slower processor?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I\u2019ll decide that. [Laughter]\u00a0 I\u2019m the quick decision-maker. And you know, Bob, you\u2019re right. It\u2019s just a personality issue because, when you\u2019re a quick decision-maker, that just says, \u201cI am satisfied making decisions this way, and I don\u2019t look back.\u201d\u00a0 So, I sum things up fast, make a decision, move on, and never revisit it again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy will take more time, and she\u2019ll be more analytical. She sees parts of a decision I never see, and she will revisit her decision later on. I rarely ever say, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m not sure I should have done that,\u201d because I\u2019ve moved on to the next decision by that time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I have made, in my life, quick decisions that were outside my area of competency\u2014that I\u2019ve been embarrassed by later on. I\u2019m thinking of carpeting in the studio, back all those years ago; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You do not want to trust your carpeting choices to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It doesn\u2019t really matter how much time it takes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You can trust your microphone to Bob, but I\u2019m going to tell you something\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Carpeting\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014we actually operated this broadcast out of a closet\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>For a while.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014for a while, and actually won some awards out of that closet.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We did. That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was pretty good\u2014maybe ought to go back there. Anyway, Bob picked out this carpeting. What color was it, Bob?\u00a0 Was it purple?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It had kind of a purple hue to it, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I walked in, and what did I say?\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019m not the most sensitive guy around colors and stuff like that because I married an artist; okay?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think you walked in and said, \u201cUhh-uh.\u201d\u00a0 I think that is what it was: \u201cUhh-uh. No. No, this must change.\u201d\u00a0 It was doing something to your vision. It was causing disequilibrium or something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think so. You know, in our marriage, this has shown up repeatedly\u2014our differences. Again, I\u2019m a quick processor and make decisions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhere it shows up the most is around scheduling\u2014airplane flights, trips, deciding how many days we\u2019re going to be gone. It doesn\u2019t take me long to decide, but Barbara needs an email trail that is several weeks\u2019 long to kind of process this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith airline tickets being what they are, and the cost of traveling, and the need to make a decision so you can book appointments\u2014the number of times that we have argued about this, Tim\u2014I mean, it\u2019s astounding how we\u2019ve argued about this because she\u2019ll say, \u201cI just didn\u2019t have time to be able to make the decision.\u201d\u00a0 Now, in that situation, how do you handle it?\u00a0 I was out in front of it, far enough in advance, and the processor was running <em>real slow<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, the problem here is that you may spend your time disagreeing about the plan, or the flight, or the vacation instead of talking about the way you make your decision. We find that couples seldom look deep enough to say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 We just decide in different ways.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, you can help a couple to actually set a deadline for a decision\u2014or even decide you\u2019ll have a period when you\u2019ll revisit the decision\u2014but \u201cAfter two days, we\u2019ll just agree we\u2019re not going back there any more\u2014no more revisiting.\u201d\u00a0 You can actually address <em>the way<\/em> you make your decision instead of just constantly talking about decision after decision. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s good advice. I can see how that could work. Now, what about you two?\u00a0 What\u2019s an area in your marriage, over the years, where you\u2019ve had conflict repeatedly around this area, right here, of making a decision?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It might have to do for us with the kids. I just tend to sum things up and go: \u201cA or B?\u00a0 It\u2019s A. Let\u2019s move on.\u201d\u00a0 But for Joy, it\u2019s complex. Life is complex, and she wants to think about it more. She wants to consider things and, then, go back and revisit them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Are you talking about discipline?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It can be discipline. It can be an issue\u2014something\u2019s come up at school. We\u2019ve got this situation to deal with the kids. How do we deal with it?\u00a0 I tend to just take them off the cuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, \u201cShould Tommy take band or French next year?\u201d\u00a0 And you just go, \u201cHmm, probably French.\u201d It\u2019s done, in your mind; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Joy, you\u2019re kind of wishing he\u2019d enter into weighing out the pros and the cons, like you\u2019re trying to do in your own mind. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve confessed that, as fast processors \/ fast decision-makers, that it does help us to have somebody slowing us down. Has it benefitted you, over the years, to be married to somebody who makes quick decisions?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Yes, I think so. There are times where you know you need to make a quicker decision. I think that I live with regret; and sometimes I\u2019ve had to just say: \u201cI\u2019m not going to regret that. I\u2019m just going to move on, and so be it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Both of you are going to get a shot at this question\u2014kind of summarizing what we\u2019ve talked about here this week. You\u2019ve got 60 seconds, each, to give your best advice to a brand-new married couple. I just got the \u201cThank you,\u201d from them. They just got married\u2014got the sunset picture on the beach. They\u2019re starting out their marriage together. They\u2019ve got the little address on the back of the card\u2014first year of marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s your best advice, Joy, in terms of how they make the most sense out of their differences because they have no idea how different they are?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>I think I would first tell them to recognize that there will be differences that will come up. They\u2019ll surprise you, and they\u2019ll disappoint you, and that that is normal\u2014just to realize that, with those differences, God is working in your life to bring about the best in you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, it will look like the worst in you, and you\u2019ll be angry with your spouse for bringing those things out; but I think just try to look at your spouse as a gift from God.\u00a0 We say that so frequently\u2014but to realize that he or she\u2014they\u2019re in your life for a reason. God can use that for the best. Try to learn as much as you can. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve written a few books \/ you all have written a few books\u2014but try to learn all that you can\u2014through reading \/ through a mentor couple\u2014as much as you can about the differences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, just try to talk about those things together. I think a lot of miscommunication and hurt comes from people when they don\u2019t talk about things that hurt them or bother them. So, bring it up in as loving a way as you can.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I agree with Joy because I always agree with Joy\u2014[Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Because it\u2019s safe to agree with\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re sounding like James Carville, at this point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014because we always think alike on everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>No, I would say the same thing. I think that I would tell couples: \u201cYou are different, and you have no idea <em>yet<\/em> how different you are. It may take the kids to come along before you discover what you really care about in life because kids are where marriage gets serious. When the differences come, the issue is not how different you are\u2014it\u2019s the attitude you take toward your differences.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cJoy described it well\u2014if you realize part of the reason for marriage is to help couples be reshaped by God into the people he intended us to be\u2014then, you recognize those differences\u2014those are tools. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThey\u2019re not accidents. We are supposed to be different. If two of you think alike, one of you is unnecessary. So, if you can embrace the differences and learn to kind of enjoy that experience of becoming who you are supposed to be, you\u2019ll take a whole different view of conflict in marriage.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I would add one word and one piece of advice to what you just said. The word is \u201ccommitment\u201d\u2014commitment to Christ and to one another because that commitment is going to overlook a multitude of disappointments over your lifetime together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the piece of advice: \u201cGo hear Tim and Joy at a <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway<em>.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 As a young couple, starting out your marriage, you can do nothing better than to go saturate your soul with the biblical blueprints for how you build a marriage and a family because you\u2019re not going to get it from the culture. What you need to do is\u2014you need to hear real, authentic people, like Tim and Joy, who are on our speaker team. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou need to hear them talk about how they\u2019ve applied the Bible in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>And I just want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d to both of you for your friendship and for being on the team. You guys are great teammates and speaking the truth about family across the country\u2014just appreciate you and appreciate you being on this broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Our privilege. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, it\u2019s a great weekend too. It\u2019s a lot of fun. You laugh a lot. It really is a great getaway time for a couple\u2014whether you\u2019re just starting a marriage or whether you need a break\u2014maybe, it\u2019s been a while since the two of you have had some time away, just to be together and relax and spend time together. The <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway\u2014it\u2019s that\u2014it\u2019s a getaway. But at the same time, it can have a profound impact on your marriage and can keep you guys headed in the right direction. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have 14 <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways coming up this fall. We\u2019re going to be hosting events in Florida, in Texas, California, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Tennessee, Iowa, South Dakota, and Idaho. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you live in any of those states\u2014or if you like to travel and spend a nice weekend getaway in Texas, or California, or Florida, or Colorado, or any of those states\u2014you can get more information about where we are hosting the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link that says, \u201cGO DEEPER\u201d; and the information about the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway is available right there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, this week and next week, you can sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. When you pay the regular price for your registration, your spouse comes free. So, it\u2019s a buy one\/get one free opportunity. It\u2019s good through the end of next week. We hope our listeners will take advantage of this. Go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com and plan to join us at one of these upcoming events; or call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Get registered for an upcoming event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want to register now for the spring, go ahead and lock things in and take advantage of the special rate. You can do that. Again, register, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and register over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have any questions, give us a call; or check us out, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d That\u2019s where you\u2019ll find the information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. We hope you\u2019ll plan to come join us at one of these events this fall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303189","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303189"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303189"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303189"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303189"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303189"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303189"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303189"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}