{"id":303187,"date":"2014-09-04T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-09-04T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/obligations-and-expectations\/"},"modified":"2014-09-04T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-09-04T15:00:00","slug":"obligations-and-expectations","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/obligations-and-expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"Obligations and Expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Opposites attract, but later they attack. Those are the thoughts of award-winning authors Tim and Joy Downs as they discuss how different obligations and expectations can stir up conflict in marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-04.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.71M","filesize_raw":"23811564","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2862],"tags":[5421,5422,5017],"podcast_series":[7783],"cwp_profile":[3233],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303187","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-differences","tag-deal-with-differences","tag-introverts-and-extroverts","tag-opposites","podcast_series-one-of-us-must-be-crazy","cwp_profile-tim-and-joy-downs","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303187\/obligations-and-expectations","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303187\/obligations-and-expectations","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"QEyE7avEyb\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/obligations-and-expectations\/\">Obligations and Expectations<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/obligations-and-expectations\/embed\/#?secret=QEyE7avEyb\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Obligations and Expectations&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"QEyE7avEyb\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-04.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-04.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Let\u2019s say you\u2019re about to go out to dinner with some friends, and your husband puts on a shirt that needs to be ironed. You say, \u201cLet me iron that.\u201d He says: \u201cNah, don\u2019t worry about it. It\u2019s no big deal.\u201d\u00a0 You say, \u201cNo, let me iron it.\u201d\u00a0 He says: \u201cNo, don\u2019t worry about it. It\u2019s okay.\u201d\u00a0 Who\u2019s right in that case, and who\u2019s wrong?\u00a0 Here\u2019s Joy Downs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>We think, \u201cIf my husband\u2019s shirt is wrinkled, and it\u2019s not kept up\u201d\u2014we think that\u2019s a reflection on us\u2014that \u201cI\u2019m not ironing his shirt,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not taking care of him,\u201d\u2014when, in fact, that\u2019s the way he wants to wear his shirt. It has nothing to do with the way that I care for him. I\u2019ve had to let go of some of those things, saying: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 If he wants to leave his shirt hanging out\u2014if he isn\u2019t dressed up as much as I think he should be, I\u2019m just going to let that go.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, September 4<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. How do you decide, in your marriage, what kinds of things you just let go and what kinds of things you need to have more conversation about?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk about that today with our guests, Tim and Joy Downs. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Can you think of any of those \u201cWho are you?\u201d moments that you\u2019ve had in your marriage, where you\u2019ve looked at Barbara\u2014she\u2019s acting a particular way or something\u2014and you just go, \u201cWho are you?\u201d\u00a0 Do you know what I\u2019m talking about?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, I do. I do. I think I mentioned it earlier; but since we became empty nesters, it\u2019s like, all of a sudden, we\u2019ve begun to say: \u201cWe are really, really different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou really don\u2019t like to cook. What happened?\u00a0 All those meals that you used to lavish on the kids and me\u2014what\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That season has ended in your marriage\u2014is that what you\u2019re saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Like a soft June breeze, baby\u2014I\u2019m telling you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Maybe it\u2019s time for you and Barbara to sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em>marriage getaway\u2014get away for a weekend together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, that gives me an opportunity to let listeners know about the special offer\u00a0 we\u2019ve got going on this week and next week for anybody who does want to sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. It\u2019s a buy one\/get one free offer, this week and next week only. It\u2019s good for any of the 14 <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways coming up this fall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr if you want to go ahead and register for the spring, and take advantage of the buy one\/get one free offer, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of our screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d There is all the information you need there about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. You can register, online, to take advantage of the buy one\/get one free opportunity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u00a0if you\u2019ve got any questions or if you\u2019d like to get registered over the phone\u20141-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got getaways coming up in Florida, in Texas, in California\u2014Colorado, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Tennessee, Iowa, South Dakota, Idaho. Then, of course, next spring, they are all across the country. Take advantage of the special offer, this week and next week\u2014buy one registration \/ and your spouse comes free. Get more information at FamilyLifeToday.com, or register online; or call 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can count on the fact that one of the things we will spend some time talking about, at the getaway, is how different we are and how we need to love one another in the midst of those differences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We are different, and we marry because we are different. We have Tim and Joy Downs with us in the studio to talk about their book\u2014and I love this title\u2014<em>One of Us Must Be Crazy\u2026 and I\u2019m Pretty Sure It\u2019s You. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim, Joy, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Hi. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Good to be back. Thanks, guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tim and Joy have spoken at our <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaways, now, for 25 years. Tim was only 12 when he first started speaking at our events. [Laughter]\u00a0 They have three children; and they live in Cary, North Carolina. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I read your book, I was thinking about this\u2014I thought, \u201cWhat couple in public life most characterizes two people who are dramatically different?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m going to read you this interview, where CNN\u2019s John King recently asked this couple\u2014he said: \u201cI love you both. Can you show both Houses of Congress your secret for compromise?\u201d\u00a0 Mary Matalin responded: \u201cWell, we\u2019re not a democracy in our marriage. We\u2019re an enlightened momarchy. That\u2019s what we are.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Momarchy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Momarchy. That\u2019s what she called it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cMom\u2019s in charge.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Her husband\u2014James Carville\u2014now, listen to this\u2014this must be the secret to their marriage: \u201cI don\u2019t have a position on anything domestically. So, I just say, \u2018Yes,\u2019 and then go on and do it. I mean it! I would say the three ingredients to successful marriage are surrender, capitulation, and retreat.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Oh, my!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And then his wife Mary said: \u201cSpoken like a true liberal\u2014what a martyr! Faith, family, and good wine\u2014that\u2019s how we do it.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter] You know, they really are interesting. James Carville was one of eight kids. I think Mary Matalin was an only child. One is a Republican \/ the other is a Democrat. They couldn\u2019t be any more different; and yet, they got married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And they\u2019re still married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And they\u2019re still married! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, the premise of your book, Tim, is that we all marry because we\u2019re different and that attraction occurs; but we have to learn how to handle conflict because our differences are ultimately going to rub one another the wrong way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, exactly. It\u2019s been said that \u201cOpposites attract; but then, later on, opposites attack.\u201d\u00a0 The things that we thought were cute and romantic prior to marriage\u2014inside marriage and, especially, once kids come along\u2014they are sources of conflict. James Carville may find it possible to surrender and capitulate at every point. Most people in marriage are not comfortable doing that\u2014we all care about things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Things like whether your son is wearing a bicycle helmet when he goes off to ride his bicycle; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. There you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you want to explain how this was an issue in your marriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, I never wore a bicycle helmet when I was a kid. So, here comes our son, Tommy. He\u2019s a little boy. He wants to go out and ride his bike. Joy says, \u201cMake sure Tommy is wearing his helmet.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t need to wear his helmet. He\u2019s only riding around the block.\u201d\u00a0 Joy says, \u201cWell, all the accidents occur within one block of the home.\u201d\u00a0 I say, \u201cThat\u2019s because all of the bike riding occurs within one block of the home.\u201d\u00a0 Joy says, \u201cWell, what if he falls off and lands on his head?\u201d\u00a0 I say, \u201cWell, then, he\u2019ll learn not to fall off and land on his head anymore.\u201d\u00a0 It just spirals downward from there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the point of it is\u2014I\u2019m thinking: \u201cI never wore a bicycle helmet. I want my son to fall off the bike, pick himself up, get back on the bike, and learn from failure.\u201d\u00a0 Joy\u2019s got this petty thing about wanting our kids to actually survive childhood. [Laughter]\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t want them to turn out like me! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, actually, it was a battle kind of between your sense of adventure, and wanting your son to press the limits, and Joy\u2019s values of safety, security, and protection.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Exactly. For a number of different things, these same arguments would come up\u2014and I thought it was just an issue of \u201cTim didn\u2019t care.\u201d\u00a0 What it looked like to me is\u2014he didn\u2019t want to bother getting the helmet for Tommy and taking it to him so he could ride his bike. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere would be different things that would come up later. I\u2019d say, \u201cHoney, make sure he has his umbrella,\u201d or \u201c\u2026his jacket,\u201d or whatever the case. Tim would be like, \u201cOh, he doesn\u2019t need to bother.\u201d I thought that was an issue of not caring, but it wasn\u2019t that. It wasn\u2019t until we really discovered what we really valued. When he said, \u201cNo, I just want them to have the freedom that I had when I was a child,\u201d that made so much more sense to me. Then, I didn\u2019t put a value that he was wrong for his view on that. I knew that was a good thing for our children. We still differed, but we were able to discuss it in a much more logical way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Some of these differences\u2014and not all of them are this way\u2014but some of them do tend to run along gender lines. I think it\u2019s probably more common for the dad to be the one who\u2019s saying, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t need a helmet,\u201d and for the mom to be the one saying \u201cOh, yes, he does!\u201d\u00a0 It goes to, again, what we value. Of course, in your case, you had another child who was battling leukemia. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe safety of your children got heightened, at that point, and security became a huge issue for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>It was huge\u2014it was huge. I couldn\u2019t control a lot of what was happening in that child\u2019s life. So, I wanted to make sure I could control as much as I could in the other children\u2019s lives\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>\u2014which is kind of a false pretense in some ways, you know?\u00a0 I still have to learn to let the Lord guard my children. They are His children, ultimately; and I need to respect my husband. But that came from conversation. That wasn\u2019t just a light bulb experience\u2014and then, we just \u201cOkay, no more arguments from then on,\u201d\u2014it just helped us understand what the roots of our disagreements were. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And we call that issue security. It\u2019s one of the seven fundamental issues that divide people. One person, in a marriage, values security more than the other one does. People need to understand that this takes different forms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, one of the most common topics of disagreement in marriage is finances. We think one of the reasons people can\u2019t make any headway on financial arguments is because they\u2019re not arguing about money. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of you values security more than the other. So, one of you is a saver. You want to make sure you have enough for tomorrow, not just for today. Until you can talk about money in those terms, you\u2019re never going to reach a compromise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was having flashbacks, as you were talking, about some discussions with Barbara about fixing some things up on our house. You\u2019ve nailed me. Barbara\u2019s value is beauty\u2014she likes aesthetics; you know? I mean\u2014the home I grew up in\u2014my dad let the yard die in July and August because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A whole lot easier to take care of if you just let it die. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014he didn\u2019t have to mow it. Now, I don\u2019t know if it ever caused any conflict between my mom and him; but I always kind of marveled at that\u2014how he got away with that\u2014because I couldn\u2019t. Barbara likes the green grass. She likes the beauty\u2014the aesthetics.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, here\u2019s what\u2019s interesting to me\u2014whether it\u2019s a bicycle helmet or the grass\u2014some of these things can escalate into marriage-threatening issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are couples, today, who are dissolving a marriage because of differences like this. Why is it that differences can escalate, on our emotional scale, to the point where we go, \u201cWe just can\u2019t live together anymore\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>You know, there are two reasons, Bob. One is because they accumulate. We differ on the sidewalk, we differ on beauty, on security, on money, on\u2014pretty soon, you have this changing view that: \u201cWe\u2019re not even alike. We\u2019re not even compatible anymore.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the other one is just sort of that emotional component, when you start assigning motives to the other person\u2019s value: \u201cThe reason you think that is because you\u2019re lazy or because you don\u2019t care. You don\u2019t value the home.\u201d\u00a0 When I\u2019m not assigning negative motives to your behavior, that\u2019s when we start to kind of de-escalate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You talk about all kinds of areas in a marriage, where we\u2019re different, that cause conflict. I found one that was interesting\u2014was the subject of responsibility and caring. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow can responsibility and caring cause conflict in a marriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, responsibility\u2014we break down into obligation and expectation. What we mean by that is: \u201cWhat am I obliged to do?\u00a0 What ought I to do?\u201d and, \u201cWhat do other people expect me to do?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, when your dad was letting the grass die, it\u2019s because he didn\u2019t care what the neighbors thought. But your mom may have cared very much about what the neighbors thought. She may have had a different opinion about whether that grass should go dead or not. In a marriage, it\u2019s common for one person to value the opinion of other people more than the other person does. That\u2019s a source of conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I heard you use the word, \u201cought.\u201d Now, is that a dangerous concept in a marriage\u2014the word, \u201cought\u201d?\u00a0 Does that complicate things?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Sure it does because it\u2019s part of your dream. Your sense of \u201coughtness\u201d is: \u201cThis is how things should run. We are supposed to do that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy and I have had a lot of disagreements, over the years, about what fashions should be, what my table manners ought to be like, what the neighbors are thinking of us. I just think differently about those things than she does. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let\u2019s go back to the table manners piece. [Laughter]\u00a0 I\u2019ve had this problem with Barbara too. What\u2019s the deal with table manners and Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>It\u2019s more like\u2014leg up on the table and Tim. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s a very comfortable way to sit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>A minor thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s a very comfortable thing! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, are you talking about at home or when you go out to eat?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Well, it used to be out to eat too. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You did break him of that after a while. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, here\u2019s the interesting thing about \u201cought.\u201d\u00a0 We are assigning a moral value when we say, \u201cought.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re saying, \u201cPutting your leg up on the table is immoral.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: \u201c<\/strong>Socially unacceptable.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s wrong on everybody\u2019s radar! There\u2019s not a person, other than you, on the planet, who would think this is acceptable\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, when you say, \u201cYou ought not do that,\u201d\u2014we got to pull back and go, \u201cShow me the rules on that.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell, I can show you Miss Manners.\u201d\u00a0 I go: \u201cWho cares about her?\u00a0 Where did she ever get to write the rule book in the first place?\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re really talking about values. What\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, you like having your foot up on the table too?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I do. I like slouching in my chair\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>I was going to say, \u201cI\u2019m outnumbered here.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and I like two elbows right here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014so that I can get my hands on the food quickly and conveniently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay, Joy. Defend yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Oh, ladies, where are you?\u00a0 [Laughter] Well, that\u2019s true. It isn\u2019t a moral obligation for you to do that, but I think what we\u2019ve learned is\u2014what I\u2019ve learned is\u2014those arguments do not hold any weight with Tim. I\u2019ve heard all of those before\u2014you know: \u201cWho says that?\u00a0 Where is it written?\u201d\u00a0 Even if I would show him where it is written, it doesn\u2019t matter to him. He doesn\u2019t care who writes it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Because he didn\u2019t write it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>He didn\u2019t write it. Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cWho\u2019s the authority here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right. And so, that\u2019s part of his personality, actually\u2014when you take personality tests\u2014that\u2019s part of his personality. What we\u2019ve learned to do, over the years, is\u2014I have to say, \u201cHoney\u2014that would embarrass me if you do that.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he wants to please me. He <em>does care<\/em> what I think most of the time. So, I have to phrase it that way. I have to say, \u201cYou know, I would really be happy if you didn\u2019t wear your shirt tucked out,\u201d or, \u201cI would be happy if you didn\u2019t sit this way or do this just because it embarrasses me.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he\u2019s fine with that\u2014it\u2019s not a logical argument. It\u2019s just: \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll do it for <em>you<\/em>\u2014not because it\u2019s right\u2014but because I want to please you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And sometimes, it will get to: \u201cAnd I would be happy if you would figure these things out on your own instead of me having to tell you these things all the time.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re sounding like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay, maybe this is hitting a little close to home; okay?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut frankly, we need to help one another, over a period of time, because, again, instinctively, this just feels right to me. I might need some nudging gently, over a period of time, like: \u201cThat would really help me.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Don\u2019t expect me to figure it out all the time\u2014just be kind and keep coaching me; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right. And there are times, frankly, where I just let it go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Oh, yes! I love to hear that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Well, I think how\u2014you know, \u201cWhat reflection is this on me?\u201d\u00a0 I think, as women\u2014to be honest, in the old school, so to speak\u2014we think it\u2019s a reflection on us if my husband\u2019s shirt is wrinkled and it\u2019s not kept up. We think that\u2019s a reflection on us\u2014that \u201cI\u2019m not ironing his shirt,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not taking care of him,\u201d\u2014when, in fact, that\u2019s the way he wants to wear his shirt. It has nothing to do with the way I care for him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I\u2019ve had to let go of some of those things, saying: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 If he wants to leave his shirt hanging out\u2014if he\u2019s not dressed up as much as I think he should be, I\u2019m just going to let that go.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Recently, Mary Ann pointed something out to me that I\u2019m kind of semi-aware of; okay?\u00a0 There are times when we\u2019ll be sitting with a group of people. I will take my arm and just kind of rest it on my head. I\u2019m sitting back in the chair\u2014right\u2014and my arm is just up over my head like this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019ve got one of these too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And she said to me, \u201cDo you have any idea how that looks?\u201d\u00a0 Of course, I don\u2019t because I can\u2019t see me with my arm up over my head. I don\u2019t have any idea how that looks; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And your leg\u2019s on the table anyway. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But I\u2019m feeling very comfortable with my arm on top of my head and my leg up on the table. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s right\u2014yes, that\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, she points that out to me. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t care\u2014I just have never really been aware. It\u2019s been such a habit for me that she needs to point it out on more than one occasion in order for me to finally develop some awareness and go: \u201cOh, okay. I see this.\u201d\u00a0 Now, it may come to a point where I go: \u201cYes, I know what it looks like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI don\u2019t care what it looks like.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we need to talk about whether I\u2019m just doing it in the living room by myself or whether there are other people over at the house. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Or whether it\u2019s back to what Joy was talking about: \u201cThat embarrasses me. You\u2019re not looking attractive doing that.\u201d\u00a0 Barbara pointed out that, when my head and chin go in my hand, sometimes, I\u2019ll push my finger at the point of my nose and just push it up like this. [Laughter]\u00a0 I guess it\u2019s comfortable\u2014kind of like your arm above your head or something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Most of the time you curl your index finger right over like a mustache. Did you know that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s an improvement because I used to push up on my nose, and Barbara was afraid my nose would start growing that way. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I can see why you guys do radio instead of television. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But I think it\u2019s helpful for somebody to see just what you\u2019re pointing out here. It may be that it\u2019s not an issue that I don\u2019t care\u2014I just am oblivious to that. The fact that I\u2019m oblivious doesn\u2019t mean that I don\u2019t care. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. That\u2019s what I want to ask you, Tim. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn an area that\u2019s important in a relationship\u2014where maybe it\u2019s a chore, a responsibility of paying the bills, or maybe it\u2019s affection in the marriage\u2014maybe one person is not that affectionate\u2014how should the person, who does care about that, process their spouse apparently either being unaware or not caring?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>They need to express the fact that that <em>feels<\/em> uncaring to them. They need to get it down to those terms. Here\u2019s a classic way this happens in marriage: I walk in. Something doesn\u2019t look quite right with Joy. I ask her, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d\u00a0 She\u2019ll say, \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 It will be one of those kinds of verbal hints; you know?\u00a0 She says, \u201cI\u2019m fine\u201d; but it\u2019s obvious from the tone of her voice she\u2019s not fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cAnd I\u2019m expecting you to figure it out without me having to say it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>She\u2019s expecting me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Oh, well that\u2019s not fair! [Laughter]\u00a0 Men always characterize it that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong> That\u2019s right, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>But we want to <em>know<\/em> that you care before we actually tell you\u2014that\u2019s the whole thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You want to make sure we care enough to go digging to find out what\u2019s going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Exactly. But it\u2019s really portrayed as \u201cOh, you just want us to read your minds\u201d; and that\u2019s really not it. We\u2019re really just trying to fish out there a little bit to see if you really care. Because what happens, frequently, I think\u2014for women is\u2014we start into what our problem or situation is, and we feel like our husband heard two sentences; and then, he was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014somewhere else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>\u2014golfing; you know?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and let me just say, \u201cYou better care,\u201d because, if you don\u2019t care, there\u2019s going to be trouble later on; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly right. When you don\u2019t care, you start a second disagreement. Whatever that issue was\u2014there\u2019s another one on top of it. Our spouses want to know: \u201cAre you willing to engage?\u00a0 Are you willing to dig deeper?\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what the caring disagreement is all about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking about our discussion today; and I\u2019m thinking Ephesians 5: \u201cHusbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.\u201d\u00a0 The assignment for husbands\u2014love your wife\u2014care enough to ask the questions \/ care enough to look past the differences\u2014and love your wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>First Peter 3: \u201cLive with your wives in an understanding way\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. And then, at the end of the same passage, it commands wives to see that she respect her husband. Ladies, your differences\u2014a lot of them\u2014can be overlooked in a marriage, where you are respecting your husband\u2014he knows you respect him. Even though you\u2019re straightening up his clothing\u2014as Barbara does for me\u2014I know that she\u2019s looking out for my best interest. I sometimes do wonder, though, what I look like when I\u2019m on the road without her. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you wear your shirt tail out, or do you wear it tucked in?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I wear it tucked in. [Laughter] I haven\u2019t had the courage to try that yet. Anyway, I think we need to go back to the basics, though, and just say: \u201cYou know what? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe need to love one another, respect one another, and receive one another as God\u2019s gift to us in a spouse.\u201d\u00a0 That means accepting the differences. That\u2019s why you married him or why you married her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Embrace the differences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Celebrate the differences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s a whole different perspective. When we can get that perspective, it can make a difference in our marriage. It\u2019s one of the things we talk about at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways\u2014how we deal with differences, how we value and appreciate, and how we learn to receive our spouse as a gift from God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, I mentioned earlier\u2014we\u2019ve got a special offer, this week and next week, for listeners who would like to attend one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaways. We\u2019re going to be hosting 14 of them this fall, and then, more than 50 of them in the spring. If you want to register now\u2014either for a fall event or for a spring event\u2014you can buy one registration \/ you pay for yourself\u2014and your spouse comes free. It\u2019s buy one\/get one free offer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s good this week and next week when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRegister online or when you call 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 We have <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways happening this fall in Florida, in Texas, in California\u2014Colorado, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Tennessee, Iowa, South Dakota, and Idaho. And then, we are in dozens of states this spring. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019d like to find out when a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is happening in a city near where you live, or a city you\u2019d like to travel to, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\u00a0 The information is right there about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can sign up now and take advantage of the buy one\/get one free opportunity; or you can call if you have any questions: 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s the toll-free number\u20141-800-358-6329. Let us know that you are interested in coming to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. We\u2019ll answer any questions you have. We can get you registered over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the special offer\u2014the buy one\/get one free offer\u2014is good this week and next week. So, get in touch with us quickly and plan to attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about loyalty\u2014the priority of loyalty in marriage and \u201cHow can we be loyal to one another when we are so different?\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk more about that with Tim and Joy Downs tomorrow. Hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["22.71M"],"filesize_raw":["23811564"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303187.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303187.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776462354;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Opposites attract, but later they attack. Those are the thoughts of award-winning authors Tim and Joy Downs as they discuss how different obligations and expectations can stir up conflict in marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-04.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Let\u2019s say you\u2019re about to go out to dinner with some friends, and your husband puts on a shirt that needs to be ironed. You say, \u201cLet me iron that.\u201d He says: \u201cNah, don\u2019t worry about it. It\u2019s no big deal.\u201d\u00a0 You say, \u201cNo, let me iron it.\u201d\u00a0 He says: \u201cNo, don\u2019t worry about it. It\u2019s okay.\u201d\u00a0 Who\u2019s right in that case, and who\u2019s wrong?\u00a0 Here\u2019s Joy Downs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>We think, \u201cIf my husband\u2019s shirt is wrinkled, and it\u2019s not kept up\u201d\u2014we think that\u2019s a reflection on us\u2014that \u201cI\u2019m not ironing his shirt,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not taking care of him,\u201d\u2014when, in fact, that\u2019s the way he wants to wear his shirt. It has nothing to do with the way that I care for him. I\u2019ve had to let go of some of those things, saying: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 If he wants to leave his shirt hanging out\u2014if he isn\u2019t dressed up as much as I think he should be, I\u2019m just going to let that go.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, September 4<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. How do you decide, in your marriage, what kinds of things you just let go and what kinds of things you need to have more conversation about?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk about that today with our guests, Tim and Joy Downs. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Can you think of any of those \u201cWho are you?\u201d moments that you\u2019ve had in your marriage, where you\u2019ve looked at Barbara\u2014she\u2019s acting a particular way or something\u2014and you just go, \u201cWho are you?\u201d\u00a0 Do you know what I\u2019m talking about?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, I do. I do. I think I mentioned it earlier; but since we became empty nesters, it\u2019s like, all of a sudden, we\u2019ve begun to say: \u201cWe are really, really different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou really don\u2019t like to cook. What happened?\u00a0 All those meals that you used to lavish on the kids and me\u2014what\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That season has ended in your marriage\u2014is that what you\u2019re saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Like a soft June breeze, baby\u2014I\u2019m telling you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Maybe it\u2019s time for you and Barbara to sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em>marriage getaway\u2014get away for a weekend together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, that gives me an opportunity to let listeners know about the special offer\u00a0 we\u2019ve got going on this week and next week for anybody who does want to sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. It\u2019s a buy one\/get one free offer, this week and next week only. It\u2019s good for any of the 14 <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways coming up this fall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr if you want to go ahead and register for the spring, and take advantage of the buy one\/get one free offer, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of our screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d There is all the information you need there about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. You can register, online, to take advantage of the buy one\/get one free opportunity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u00a0if you\u2019ve got any questions or if you\u2019d like to get registered over the phone\u20141-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got getaways coming up in Florida, in Texas, in California\u2014Colorado, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Tennessee, Iowa, South Dakota, Idaho. Then, of course, next spring, they are all across the country. Take advantage of the special offer, this week and next week\u2014buy one registration \/ and your spouse comes free. Get more information at FamilyLifeToday.com, or register online; or call 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can count on the fact that one of the things we will spend some time talking about, at the getaway, is how different we are and how we need to love one another in the midst of those differences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We are different, and we marry because we are different. We have Tim and Joy Downs with us in the studio to talk about their book\u2014and I love this title\u2014<em>One of Us Must Be Crazy\u2026 and I\u2019m Pretty Sure It\u2019s You. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim, Joy, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Hi. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Good to be back. Thanks, guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tim and Joy have spoken at our <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaways, now, for 25 years. Tim was only 12 when he first started speaking at our events. [Laughter]\u00a0 They have three children; and they live in Cary, North Carolina. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I read your book, I was thinking about this\u2014I thought, \u201cWhat couple in public life most characterizes two people who are dramatically different?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m going to read you this interview, where CNN\u2019s John King recently asked this couple\u2014he said: \u201cI love you both. Can you show both Houses of Congress your secret for compromise?\u201d\u00a0 Mary Matalin responded: \u201cWell, we\u2019re not a democracy in our marriage. We\u2019re an enlightened momarchy. That\u2019s what we are.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Momarchy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Momarchy. That\u2019s what she called it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cMom\u2019s in charge.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Her husband\u2014James Carville\u2014now, listen to this\u2014this must be the secret to their marriage: \u201cI don\u2019t have a position on anything domestically. So, I just say, \u2018Yes,\u2019 and then go on and do it. I mean it! I would say the three ingredients to successful marriage are surrender, capitulation, and retreat.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Oh, my!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And then his wife Mary said: \u201cSpoken like a true liberal\u2014what a martyr! Faith, family, and good wine\u2014that\u2019s how we do it.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter] You know, they really are interesting. James Carville was one of eight kids. I think Mary Matalin was an only child. One is a Republican \/ the other is a Democrat. They couldn\u2019t be any more different; and yet, they got married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And they\u2019re still married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And they\u2019re still married! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, the premise of your book, Tim, is that we all marry because we\u2019re different and that attraction occurs; but we have to learn how to handle conflict because our differences are ultimately going to rub one another the wrong way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, exactly. It\u2019s been said that \u201cOpposites attract; but then, later on, opposites attack.\u201d\u00a0 The things that we thought were cute and romantic prior to marriage\u2014inside marriage and, especially, once kids come along\u2014they are sources of conflict. James Carville may find it possible to surrender and capitulate at every point. Most people in marriage are not comfortable doing that\u2014we all care about things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Things like whether your son is wearing a bicycle helmet when he goes off to ride his bicycle; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. There you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you want to explain how this was an issue in your marriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, I never wore a bicycle helmet when I was a kid. So, here comes our son, Tommy. He\u2019s a little boy. He wants to go out and ride his bike. Joy says, \u201cMake sure Tommy is wearing his helmet.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t need to wear his helmet. He\u2019s only riding around the block.\u201d\u00a0 Joy says, \u201cWell, all the accidents occur within one block of the home.\u201d\u00a0 I say, \u201cThat\u2019s because all of the bike riding occurs within one block of the home.\u201d\u00a0 Joy says, \u201cWell, what if he falls off and lands on his head?\u201d\u00a0 I say, \u201cWell, then, he\u2019ll learn not to fall off and land on his head anymore.\u201d\u00a0 It just spirals downward from there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the point of it is\u2014I\u2019m thinking: \u201cI never wore a bicycle helmet. I want my son to fall off the bike, pick himself up, get back on the bike, and learn from failure.\u201d\u00a0 Joy\u2019s got this petty thing about wanting our kids to actually survive childhood. [Laughter]\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t want them to turn out like me! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, actually, it was a battle kind of between your sense of adventure, and wanting your son to press the limits, and Joy\u2019s values of safety, security, and protection.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Exactly. For a number of different things, these same arguments would come up\u2014and I thought it was just an issue of \u201cTim didn\u2019t care.\u201d\u00a0 What it looked like to me is\u2014he didn\u2019t want to bother getting the helmet for Tommy and taking it to him so he could ride his bike. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere would be different things that would come up later. I\u2019d say, \u201cHoney, make sure he has his umbrella,\u201d or \u201c\u2026his jacket,\u201d or whatever the case. Tim would be like, \u201cOh, he doesn\u2019t need to bother.\u201d I thought that was an issue of not caring, but it wasn\u2019t that. It wasn\u2019t until we really discovered what we really valued. When he said, \u201cNo, I just want them to have the freedom that I had when I was a child,\u201d that made so much more sense to me. Then, I didn\u2019t put a value that he was wrong for his view on that. I knew that was a good thing for our children. We still differed, but we were able to discuss it in a much more logical way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Some of these differences\u2014and not all of them are this way\u2014but some of them do tend to run along gender lines. I think it\u2019s probably more common for the dad to be the one who\u2019s saying, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t need a helmet,\u201d and for the mom to be the one saying \u201cOh, yes, he does!\u201d\u00a0 It goes to, again, what we value. Of course, in your case, you had another child who was battling leukemia. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe safety of your children got heightened, at that point, and security became a huge issue for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>It was huge\u2014it was huge. I couldn\u2019t control a lot of what was happening in that child\u2019s life. So, I wanted to make sure I could control as much as I could in the other children\u2019s lives\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>\u2014which is kind of a false pretense in some ways, you know?\u00a0 I still have to learn to let the Lord guard my children. They are His children, ultimately; and I need to respect my husband. But that came from conversation. That wasn\u2019t just a light bulb experience\u2014and then, we just \u201cOkay, no more arguments from then on,\u201d\u2014it just helped us understand what the roots of our disagreements were. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And we call that issue security. It\u2019s one of the seven fundamental issues that divide people. One person, in a marriage, values security more than the other one does. People need to understand that this takes different forms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, one of the most common topics of disagreement in marriage is finances. We think one of the reasons people can\u2019t make any headway on financial arguments is because they\u2019re not arguing about money. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of you values security more than the other. So, one of you is a saver. You want to make sure you have enough for tomorrow, not just for today. Until you can talk about money in those terms, you\u2019re never going to reach a compromise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was having flashbacks, as you were talking, about some discussions with Barbara about fixing some things up on our house. You\u2019ve nailed me. Barbara\u2019s value is beauty\u2014she likes aesthetics; you know? I mean\u2014the home I grew up in\u2014my dad let the yard die in July and August because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A whole lot easier to take care of if you just let it die. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014he didn\u2019t have to mow it. Now, I don\u2019t know if it ever caused any conflict between my mom and him; but I always kind of marveled at that\u2014how he got away with that\u2014because I couldn\u2019t. Barbara likes the green grass. She likes the beauty\u2014the aesthetics.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, here\u2019s what\u2019s interesting to me\u2014whether it\u2019s a bicycle helmet or the grass\u2014some of these things can escalate into marriage-threatening issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are couples, today, who are dissolving a marriage because of differences like this. Why is it that differences can escalate, on our emotional scale, to the point where we go, \u201cWe just can\u2019t live together anymore\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>You know, there are two reasons, Bob. One is because they accumulate. We differ on the sidewalk, we differ on beauty, on security, on money, on\u2014pretty soon, you have this changing view that: \u201cWe\u2019re not even alike. We\u2019re not even compatible anymore.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the other one is just sort of that emotional component, when you start assigning motives to the other person\u2019s value: \u201cThe reason you think that is because you\u2019re lazy or because you don\u2019t care. You don\u2019t value the home.\u201d\u00a0 When I\u2019m not assigning negative motives to your behavior, that\u2019s when we start to kind of de-escalate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You talk about all kinds of areas in a marriage, where we\u2019re different, that cause conflict. I found one that was interesting\u2014was the subject of responsibility and caring. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow can responsibility and caring cause conflict in a marriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, responsibility\u2014we break down into obligation and expectation. What we mean by that is: \u201cWhat am I obliged to do?\u00a0 What ought I to do?\u201d and, \u201cWhat do other people expect me to do?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, when your dad was letting the grass die, it\u2019s because he didn\u2019t care what the neighbors thought. But your mom may have cared very much about what the neighbors thought. She may have had a different opinion about whether that grass should go dead or not. In a marriage, it\u2019s common for one person to value the opinion of other people more than the other person does. That\u2019s a source of conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I heard you use the word, \u201cought.\u201d Now, is that a dangerous concept in a marriage\u2014the word, \u201cought\u201d?\u00a0 Does that complicate things?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Sure it does because it\u2019s part of your dream. Your sense of \u201coughtness\u201d is: \u201cThis is how things should run. We are supposed to do that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJoy and I have had a lot of disagreements, over the years, about what fashions should be, what my table manners ought to be like, what the neighbors are thinking of us. I just think differently about those things than she does. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let\u2019s go back to the table manners piece. [Laughter]\u00a0 I\u2019ve had this problem with Barbara too. What\u2019s the deal with table manners and Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>It\u2019s more like\u2014leg up on the table and Tim. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s a very comfortable way to sit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>A minor thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s a very comfortable thing! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, are you talking about at home or when you go out to eat?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Well, it used to be out to eat too. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You did break him of that after a while. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, here\u2019s the interesting thing about \u201cought.\u201d\u00a0 We are assigning a moral value when we say, \u201cought.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re saying, \u201cPutting your leg up on the table is immoral.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: \u201c<\/strong>Socially unacceptable.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s wrong on everybody\u2019s radar! There\u2019s not a person, other than you, on the planet, who would think this is acceptable\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, when you say, \u201cYou ought not do that,\u201d\u2014we got to pull back and go, \u201cShow me the rules on that.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell, I can show you Miss Manners.\u201d\u00a0 I go: \u201cWho cares about her?\u00a0 Where did she ever get to write the rule book in the first place?\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re really talking about values. What\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, you like having your foot up on the table too?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I do. I like slouching in my chair\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>I was going to say, \u201cI\u2019m outnumbered here.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and I like two elbows right here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014so that I can get my hands on the food quickly and conveniently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay, Joy. Defend yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Oh, ladies, where are you?\u00a0 [Laughter] Well, that\u2019s true. It isn\u2019t a moral obligation for you to do that, but I think what we\u2019ve learned is\u2014what I\u2019ve learned is\u2014those arguments do not hold any weight with Tim. I\u2019ve heard all of those before\u2014you know: \u201cWho says that?\u00a0 Where is it written?\u201d\u00a0 Even if I would show him where it is written, it doesn\u2019t matter to him. He doesn\u2019t care who writes it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Because he didn\u2019t write it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>He didn\u2019t write it. Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cWho\u2019s the authority here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right. And so, that\u2019s part of his personality, actually\u2014when you take personality tests\u2014that\u2019s part of his personality. What we\u2019ve learned to do, over the years, is\u2014I have to say, \u201cHoney\u2014that would embarrass me if you do that.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he wants to please me. He <em>does care<\/em> what I think most of the time. So, I have to phrase it that way. I have to say, \u201cYou know, I would really be happy if you didn\u2019t wear your shirt tucked out,\u201d or, \u201cI would be happy if you didn\u2019t sit this way or do this just because it embarrasses me.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he\u2019s fine with that\u2014it\u2019s not a logical argument. It\u2019s just: \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll do it for <em>you<\/em>\u2014not because it\u2019s right\u2014but because I want to please you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And sometimes, it will get to: \u201cAnd I would be happy if you would figure these things out on your own instead of me having to tell you these things all the time.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re sounding like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay, maybe this is hitting a little close to home; okay?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut frankly, we need to help one another, over a period of time, because, again, instinctively, this just feels right to me. I might need some nudging gently, over a period of time, like: \u201cThat would really help me.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Don\u2019t expect me to figure it out all the time\u2014just be kind and keep coaching me; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Right. And there are times, frankly, where I just let it go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Oh, yes! I love to hear that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Well, I think how\u2014you know, \u201cWhat reflection is this on me?\u201d\u00a0 I think, as women\u2014to be honest, in the old school, so to speak\u2014we think it\u2019s a reflection on us if my husband\u2019s shirt is wrinkled and it\u2019s not kept up. We think that\u2019s a reflection on us\u2014that \u201cI\u2019m not ironing his shirt,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not taking care of him,\u201d\u2014when, in fact, that\u2019s the way he wants to wear his shirt. It has nothing to do with the way I care for him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I\u2019ve had to let go of some of those things, saying: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 If he wants to leave his shirt hanging out\u2014if he\u2019s not dressed up as much as I think he should be, I\u2019m just going to let that go.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Recently, Mary Ann pointed something out to me that I\u2019m kind of semi-aware of; okay?\u00a0 There are times when we\u2019ll be sitting with a group of people. I will take my arm and just kind of rest it on my head. I\u2019m sitting back in the chair\u2014right\u2014and my arm is just up over my head like this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019ve got one of these too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And she said to me, \u201cDo you have any idea how that looks?\u201d\u00a0 Of course, I don\u2019t because I can\u2019t see me with my arm up over my head. I don\u2019t have any idea how that looks; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And your leg\u2019s on the table anyway. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But I\u2019m feeling very comfortable with my arm on top of my head and my leg up on the table. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s right\u2014yes, that\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, she points that out to me. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t care\u2014I just have never really been aware. It\u2019s been such a habit for me that she needs to point it out on more than one occasion in order for me to finally develop some awareness and go: \u201cOh, okay. I see this.\u201d\u00a0 Now, it may come to a point where I go: \u201cYes, I know what it looks like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI don\u2019t care what it looks like.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we need to talk about whether I\u2019m just doing it in the living room by myself or whether there are other people over at the house. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Or whether it\u2019s back to what Joy was talking about: \u201cThat embarrasses me. You\u2019re not looking attractive doing that.\u201d\u00a0 Barbara pointed out that, when my head and chin go in my hand, sometimes, I\u2019ll push my finger at the point of my nose and just push it up like this. [Laughter]\u00a0 I guess it\u2019s comfortable\u2014kind of like your arm above your head or something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Most of the time you curl your index finger right over like a mustache. Did you know that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s an improvement because I used to push up on my nose, and Barbara was afraid my nose would start growing that way. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I can see why you guys do radio instead of television. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But I think it\u2019s helpful for somebody to see just what you\u2019re pointing out here. It may be that it\u2019s not an issue that I don\u2019t care\u2014I just am oblivious to that. The fact that I\u2019m oblivious doesn\u2019t mean that I don\u2019t care. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. That\u2019s what I want to ask you, Tim. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn an area that\u2019s important in a relationship\u2014where maybe it\u2019s a chore, a responsibility of paying the bills, or maybe it\u2019s affection in the marriage\u2014maybe one person is not that affectionate\u2014how should the person, who does care about that, process their spouse apparently either being unaware or not caring?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>They need to express the fact that that <em>feels<\/em> uncaring to them. They need to get it down to those terms. Here\u2019s a classic way this happens in marriage: I walk in. Something doesn\u2019t look quite right with Joy. I ask her, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d\u00a0 She\u2019ll say, \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 It will be one of those kinds of verbal hints; you know?\u00a0 She says, \u201cI\u2019m fine\u201d; but it\u2019s obvious from the tone of her voice she\u2019s not fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cAnd I\u2019m expecting you to figure it out without me having to say it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>She\u2019s expecting me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Oh, well that\u2019s not fair! [Laughter]\u00a0 Men always characterize it that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong> That\u2019s right, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>But we want to <em>know<\/em> that you care before we actually tell you\u2014that\u2019s the whole thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You want to make sure we care enough to go digging to find out what\u2019s going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>Exactly. But it\u2019s really portrayed as \u201cOh, you just want us to read your minds\u201d; and that\u2019s really not it. We\u2019re really just trying to fish out there a little bit to see if you really care. Because what happens, frequently, I think\u2014for women is\u2014we start into what our problem or situation is, and we feel like our husband heard two sentences; and then, he was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014somewhere else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy: <\/strong>\u2014golfing; you know?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and let me just say, \u201cYou better care,\u201d because, if you don\u2019t care, there\u2019s going to be trouble later on; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly right. When you don\u2019t care, you start a second disagreement. Whatever that issue was\u2014there\u2019s another one on top of it. Our spouses want to know: \u201cAre you willing to engage?\u00a0 Are you willing to dig deeper?\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what the caring disagreement is all about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking about our discussion today; and I\u2019m thinking Ephesians 5: \u201cHusbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.\u201d\u00a0 The assignment for husbands\u2014love your wife\u2014care enough to ask the questions \/ care enough to look past the differences\u2014and love your wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>First Peter 3: \u201cLive with your wives in an understanding way\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. And then, at the end of the same passage, it commands wives to see that she respect her husband. Ladies, your differences\u2014a lot of them\u2014can be overlooked in a marriage, where you are respecting your husband\u2014he knows you respect him. Even though you\u2019re straightening up his clothing\u2014as Barbara does for me\u2014I know that she\u2019s looking out for my best interest. I sometimes do wonder, though, what I look like when I\u2019m on the road without her. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you wear your shirt tail out, or do you wear it tucked in?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I wear it tucked in. [Laughter] I haven\u2019t had the courage to try that yet. Anyway, I think we need to go back to the basics, though, and just say: \u201cYou know what? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe need to love one another, respect one another, and receive one another as God\u2019s gift to us in a spouse.\u201d\u00a0 That means accepting the differences. That\u2019s why you married him or why you married her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Embrace the differences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Celebrate the differences. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s a whole different perspective. When we can get that perspective, it can make a difference in our marriage. It\u2019s one of the things we talk about at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways\u2014how we deal with differences, how we value and appreciate, and how we learn to receive our spouse as a gift from God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, I mentioned earlier\u2014we\u2019ve got a special offer, this week and next week, for listeners who would like to attend one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaways. We\u2019re going to be hosting 14 of them this fall, and then, more than 50 of them in the spring. If you want to register now\u2014either for a fall event or for a spring event\u2014you can buy one registration \/ you pay for yourself\u2014and your spouse comes free. It\u2019s buy one\/get one free offer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s good this week and next week when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRegister online or when you call 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 We have <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways happening this fall in Florida, in Texas, in California\u2014Colorado, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Tennessee, Iowa, South Dakota, and Idaho. And then, we are in dozens of states this spring. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019d like to find out when a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is happening in a city near where you live, or a city you\u2019d like to travel to, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\u00a0 The information is right there about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can sign up now and take advantage of the buy one\/get one free opportunity; or you can call if you have any questions: 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s the toll-free number\u20141-800-358-6329. Let us know that you are interested in coming to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. We\u2019ll answer any questions you have. We can get you registered over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the special offer\u2014the buy one\/get one free offer\u2014is good this week and next week. So, get in touch with us quickly and plan to attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about loyalty\u2014the priority of loyalty in marriage and \u201cHow can we be loyal to one another when we are so different?\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk more about that with Tim and Joy Downs tomorrow. Hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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