{"id":303125,"date":"2014-07-16T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-07-16T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-power-of-prayer\/"},"modified":"2014-07-16T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-07-16T15:00:00","slug":"the-power-of-prayer","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-of-prayer\/","title":{"rendered":"The Power of Prayer"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>How does prayer affect marriage? Research professor Scott Stanley talks about the power of prayer in marriage. Scott shares how praying for your partner strengthens your relationship and your commitment to them. When you pray for your marriage you are asking God to intervene and for Him to show you how you can better meet the needs of your spouse, and God loves to answer that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Research professor Scott Stanley talks about the power of prayer in marriage. Scott shares how praying for your partner strengthens your relationship and your commitment to them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-16.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.62M","filesize_raw":"26864208","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809],"tags":[5201,4086,5376,5377],"podcast_series":[8023],"cwp_profile":[3151],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303125","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commitment","tag-cohabitation","tag-commitment","tag-harder-to-break-up","tag-marital-contentment","podcast_series-a-lasting-promise","cwp_profile-scott-stanley","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303125\/the-power-of-prayer","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303125\/the-power-of-prayer","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"QdRIzmRcDT\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-of-prayer\/\">The Power of Prayer<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-of-prayer\/embed\/#?secret=QdRIzmRcDT\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Power of Prayer&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"QdRIzmRcDT\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-16.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-16.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve undoubtedly heard people make a case for living together before marriage\u2014saying, \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t buy a car without taking a test drive; right?\u201d\u00a0 Author and researcher, Scott Stanley, says, \u201cThat\u2019s a flawed strategy when we are talking about human relationships.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>The problem with this strategy is that it is harder to break up when you are living together than when you are dating. Everything else can be identical in your relationship\u2014in terms of your behavior \/ whether you are a good fit for each other\u2014all of that can be identical. When you move in together\u2014sharing a single address\u2014you have made it harder to break up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, July 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. If you\u2019re goal \/ your ambition is to stay married to the same person \u2018til death do you part, we\u2019ll talk about some strategies that can help you fulfill that goal today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Bob, let me ask you a question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Alright. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want you to give me your honest feedback on this statement. It is made by the guest on our broadcast today\u2014Scott Stanley. Scott, welcome to the broadcast. I\u2019m sorry I\u2019m setting you up here to see what Bob thinks about your comment. He says this\u2014 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I hope we agree. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Wonderful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I hope we agree. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Me too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Scott says this, \u201cOne of the surest ways to pray more effectively is to focus on asking God to change you, not your mate.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. [Laughter]\u00a0 Yes. Yes. I don\u2019t think there is any disagreement there. The key words were \u201cpray effectively\u201d because, honestly, as we say at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, we don\u2019t show up at the getaway to talk to your spouse. The only person we are there to talk to is you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because the only person that God\u2019s Spirit is going to change in you is you. And that\u2019s where you\u2019ve got to start. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And we\u2019ve got a guy who has\u2014well, he has had God change him. We\u2019re going to find out how in the coming moments. Scott Stanley\u2014who is the author of <em>A Lasting Promise<\/em>\u2014he is the father of two sons \/ been married to Nancy since 1982. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd let\u2019s cut to the chase, Scott: \u201cHow has God changed you, since 1982, when you made a promise to Nancy and you began this journey with her called marriage?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Scott: <\/strong>The number one thing that comes to my mind that happens in our marriage is that I get\u2014this is important\u2014humbled \/ not humiliated. There\u2019s a big difference. Humbled but not humiliated\u2014because I learn stuff from Nancy. She points to\u2014I\u2019m always surprised at just the way God can teach me something and help me see something that I didn\u2019t see. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was telling Nancy, the other day, that she has been so much wiser than me at several critical junctures. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe had so much a better a bead than I did on what was best for our kids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>\u2014what was best for our two sons. In all those times, I was initially resistant. She nudged, and pushed, and made the point. I think one of the ways that God has changed me in marriage\u2014and this is one of the ways that commitment changes you in marriage\u2014is you\u2019re with this person through so much time and so much change\u2014you learn to really respect each other for going through the journey and what you can learn from this other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You mentioned that you were humbled \/ not humiliated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What\u2019s the difference between the two?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>If you have a healthy relationship, with some emotional safety and commitment, you are going to be humbled. You\u2019re going to learn stuff. You\u2019re going to have to change because, if you are getting your way all the time, there is something wrong in your relationship. It\u2019s humbling to learn. It\u2019s humbling to listen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat is different about humiliation is\u2014one is grinding down\u2014and the other one is belittling the other one as showing contempt for the character of the other. That is a great destroyer of marriages. That is super-damaging, and that\u2019s\u2014nobody is getting better, healthier, or growing closer to God from humiliation\u2014but humbling is powerful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay, Bob, how about you?\u00a0 How has God changed you?\u00a0 You and Mary Ann have been married\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have been married 35 years, this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I would say that the biggest change in me is that, over the years, I have seen more instances of selfishness kind of drift to the top of the cauldron. I think some of that has been skimmed off a little bit more than was there earlier-on in our marriage. There is some more deference, some more dying to self, and some more valuing of the \u201cus-ness\u201d over the \u201cme-ness\u201d in our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Beautiful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And that\u2019s what I was going to say was true in my own life. Forty-one years of marriage has taught me how selfish I am. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it has also taught me that you can\u2019t love another person the way God has commanded us to love, and the way they need to be loved, and be selfish simultaneously. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is what I find fascinating about the book that you\u2019ve written that we\u2019ve been talking about this week\u2014<em>A Lasting Promise<\/em>\u2014and the work that you do, as a researcher. You\u2019re involved with the University of Denver. You do research\u2014scholarly research that is scientifically-valid. I mean, other people, who don\u2019t share your worldview, can look at your research and go, \u201cThat\u2019s good research.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve got a chapter in your book about the importance of prayer in a marriage relationship. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cSo, do these other guys, who are validating your research, look at Chapter 3 on prayer and go, \u2018Huh?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Some of my colleagues and some of the people doing the best research on prayer are secular. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome of my colleagues have understood that for a lot of people\u2014most people on the planet pray. These are very highly-respected marital scholars, who started to think: \u201cMaybe we should understand more about prayer and marriage. Maybe we should understand more about how to encourage people to pray for their mate.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019ve learned in talking with them\u2014in terms of the importance of emphasizing this\u2014a lot of times\u2014and you guys know this\u2014in the Christian world, when people think about prayer\u2014the first thing in marriage\u2014the first thing that comes to mind is \u201cAlright, let\u2019s find a time each day where we can have our quiet time and sit down together and pray together.\u201d\u00a0 There are couples that can do that and do that really well. My parents were one of those couples. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a lot of couples, for whatever reason\u2014multiple determined reasons\u2014they cannot do that; but one of the things that we stress is about how you\u2014regardless of what your mate does or even what your mate believes\u2014how you can pray for your mate. One of the studies that I talk about in the book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014they showed that one of the things that happens\u2014when you have somebody praying for their partner, it strengthens their commitment to their relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, think about this. Just\u2014I don\u2019t want you to forget God, and you\u2019re not about to\u2014but leave that out of that for a moment and just think about that, as a researcher, who maybe doesn\u2019t even believe in God. What are you doing when you are praying for your partner?\u00a0 You are reinforcing, within yourself, your sense that \u201cI am committed to this person for long-term.\u201d\u00a0 Why would you pray for this person deliberately, and intentionally, and repeatedly if you weren\u2019t really having a sense of commitment to them?\u00a0 So, it reinforces and strengthens. And they can show\u2014you get people praying for their partner\u2014it strengthens their commitment to that person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Prayer says, \u201cI care about you.\u201d\u00a0 It says, \u201cI want to protect you.\u201d\u00a0 Prayer says: \u201cI\u2019m looking out for you. I\u2019m concerned about your future \/ about your well-being right now\u2014how I can, perhaps, ask God to bless you and return good to you this day.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara and I have been praying for over 41 years in our marriage\u2014everyday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve missed a handful of days in those 41 years; but we pray for and with each other in the marriage relationship. You tell a story about a couple who were praying for better communication\u2014actually, the husband, Gil, was asking God that they might be able to better communicate with each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>So, think about what happens here when Gil\u2019s doing this. As Gil prays for his relationship\u2014and specifically, he\u2019s praying for better communication\u2014not only can God intervene and work through Gil and work through his wife; but Gil is actually saying: \u201cShow me stuff. Show me where I\u2019m harsh with her. Show me where I don\u2019t listen. Show me where I can be more gentle in showing her that I understand and that I care,\u201d\u2014not only is he asking God to intervene directly\u2014he\u2019s priming himself. He\u2019s making himself more aware by praying and showing his willingness to do the kind of things that will completely change how the two of them communicate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And what happened when Gil prayed?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Scott: <\/strong>He changed. He started to be more gentle. He starts to listen more. One of the lines I really enjoy in the book is\u2014goes something like this, \u201cIf you pray for God to show you how you are being a doofus in your marriage\u201d\u2014technical term; okay?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Doofus. Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>It\u2019s from the Greek. [Laughter]\u00a0 \u201cIf you are praying for God to show you where you\u2019re making some mistakes\u2014where your game is not so good and what you\u2019re doing in your marriage\u2014He\u2019s going to love to honor that prayer because that\u2019s a prayer of humility. That\u2019s a prayer of genuinely asking God to \u2018help and show me something.\u2019\u00a0 I\u2019m not asking God to make <em>her<\/em> better for me. I\u2019m asking Him to make me better for her.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, what does this look like in your marriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Scott: <\/strong>The way that this works in my marriage is\u2014I pray deliberately, now, for me to be better able to show Nancy my appreciation for the things that she does that are really amazing and that are important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to give you an example. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>I\u2019ve been thinking about this for a time. I\u2019ve been becoming more mindful of this. I told her very deliberately, just the other night\u2014I wasn\u2019t making the opportunity for this, but it was in my head. It came up from something I was reading. I gave her very specific examples of things that she\u2019s done for our boys that amaze me\u2014the things that I wouldn\u2019t have seen. I think it\u2019s very important and powerful for her to hear that because she\u2019s a mom, and it\u2019s a big part of her identity, and it\u2019s completely true. Now, it can be true and I can be not so aware of it and never say anything about it; but it\u2019s a lot more powerful if it\u2019s true, and I\u2019m aware of it, and I tell her I see it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want to ask you about\u2014again, the title of your book, <em>A Lasting Promise<\/em>\u2014I want to ask you about couples who are maybe praying for one another but haven\u2019t made the lasting promise. In our culture today\u2014you know this\u2014more people are getting to the altar after having lived together for some period of time than vice versa; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Absolutely, correct. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, cohabitation is just an assumed part of how life goes for the average person growing up in our culture today. For years, there has been research that that\u2019s not healthy for a marriage. In recent months, there has been new research that says that it may not be as bad as it was. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve been around this research for a long time. What would you say to a couple that comes to you and says: \u201cYou know, we are thinking about, maybe, moving in together. We think we might want to get married someday, and we thought this would be a great way just to see are we really compatible with one another\u201d?\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>We published a lot of studies on this. It\u2019s an area where we do a lot of work. Let me just hit a few of the highlights. Of course, cohabitation\u2019s very prominent \/ very common now. Probably, about 70 percent of couples are going to live together now before marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother big change\u2014in some ways, it\u2019s even more disconcerting than that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we are seeing now is an increase in what I call a cohabi-dating, which is cohabitating without even any expectation that it might even lead to marriage. It\u2019s just becoming an increasing pattern of the dating sort of world, where: \u201cWe are going to live together awhile; and then, I\u2019m going to move on to another.\u201d\u00a0 Technically, we call it serial cohabitation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think that\u2019s important to just stop and unpack for a moment. Cohabitation implies that a couple is kind of taking a test drive\u2014with the idea that they may get married. <br><br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>But there is a new form of it\u2014you\u2019re saying\u2014where people are saying: \u201cWe\u2019re just renting the car for the weekend. Then, we\u2019ll turn it back in when we\u2019re tired of it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. So, there are both forms of that. And then, the other form\u2014where one is thinking, \u201cWe\u2019re heading toward marriage,\u201d and the other doesn\u2019t even have a clue\u2014not thinking that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>It is like: \u201cIt\u2019s great to play house with you. I didn\u2019t know you were thinking more.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, here is the number one thing\u2014now, just think, as a researcher, for a moment. Then, we can think about things theologically. The number one thing that people don\u2019t understand about cohabitation\u2014so there is decades of research that show that couples who live together first actually don\u2019t do better in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd there is some equivocation, now, in studies\u2014not ours because we break it down in a better way in terms of the things that we look at\u2014but notice that, even in the studies where people are saying now, \u201cThere is no risk,\u201d nobody is actually saying\u2014or rarely will you find a researcher saying, \u201cWe\u2019re finding that there is a great advantage to it,\u201d which is very interesting because, for four decades, you got research that shows that marriages, on average, don\u2019t do as well when they start out living together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is the number one thing young people believe they can do to give their marriage a better shot. The problem with this strategy is that it is harder to break up when you are living together than when you are dating. Everything else can be identical in your relationship\u2014in terms of your behavior \/ whether you are a good fit for each other\u2014all of that can be identical. When you move in together\u2014sharing a single address\u2014you have made it harder to break up before you have really clarified that you want a future together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What may happen, at that point, is\u2014a couple may move in. They may have a child or two\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and now, we\u2019ve got the makings of a family. One person is not feeling settled in the relationship, and they\u2019re wanting out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Right. You can see this five years later \/ ten years\u2014the implications of this\u2014fifteen years later \/ five years later\u2014when it\u2019s tough, and you\u2019ve got the kids, and all\u2014maybe, you have walked the aisle\u2014you\u2019re married now\u2014but one of you may be sitting there, secretly inside, not maybe even fully-acknowledging it: \u201cI never actually really chose this,\u201d because the other fact about cohabitation is that people tend to slide into it instead of talking about it: \u201cWhat does it mean?\u201d\u2014\u201cMake a decision.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCommitments are decisions. When you\u2019re making a commitment, you\u2019re making a decision. When you\u2019re sliding into living together, you\u2019re not making a decision\u2014you\u2019re not making a commitment. One of the things that we see, in all different kinds of ways in our work, is that cohabitation actually doesn\u2019t tell you much about the commitment level of a couple. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMarriage tells you a lot. Engagement tells you a lot. Mutual publically-declared plans tell you a lot about a couple\u2019s commitment; but cohabitation doesn\u2019t really have much information in it about commitment. Very often, what happens in a lot of forms of cohabitation now\u2014is one is thinking that \u201cI want a future with this person. I hope we get to the altar,\u201d\u2014and the other isn\u2019t thinking that. That difference in commitment is going to blow up, at some point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I think it\u2019s interesting for you to talk about sliding into cohabitation because if you pull back and ask, \u201cHow do most people get there?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell, here is what happened\u2014we started sleeping together. Then, I started just staying over because we were sleeping together. Then, we started doing it a couple times\u2014three times \/ four times a week. We just looked at each other and said, \u2018It would certainly be more convenient if I had some clothes here and a toothbrush here.\u2019\u00a0 The next thing you know, I\u2019m at the post office changing my address because I\u2019m over there more than I am at my place. Why pay rent for my place?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly how it happens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, that\u2019s not a commitment. It\u2019s not a decision\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>\u2014and \u201cHere we are.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is another finding in our study that\u2019s very clear. In some ways, the number one worst reason to have to move in together is to test the relationship\u2014to try the relationship. What we find in one of the studies that we published\u2014where we asked people, \u201cWhat are the reasons why you\u2019re living together?\u201d The couples with the worst relationships, that are living together, are the ones that say they moved in together to test the relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I will often say to people about that is: \u201cIf you think you need to test something in the relationship, you probably already have your answer.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. There is one thing I want to make sure you get on the table here that was really an \u201caha\u201d to me\u2014and that\u2019s the power of commitment\u2014that it has on a relationship. And what you shared, earlier, before we came in here to talk on the broadcast\u2014you\u2019re talking about the fidelity factor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>One of our studies\u2014and then, there is another study that shows this, as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis surprises people because you tend to think: \u201cOkay, that couple is living together. They\u2019ve got something going on. They must have more commitment.\u201d\u00a0 Now, if they tell you they are engaged, that is going to be true. Now, again, I\u2019m just speaking as a researcher\u2014not about what I think is sort of biblically-right in terms of that behavior\u2014but they\u2019re going to be a lot stronger if they are engaged. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if a couple just tells you they are living together, it turns out that couple\u2014that\u2019s just living together\u2014is no more likely to have two people being sexually-faithful to each other than a couple that\u2019s similar in other ways but dating. The couple that\u2019s moved in together isn\u2019t any more likely to be faithful than the dating couple, where everything else is similar. What living together does not say to other people\u2014is it doesn\u2019t actually say, \u201cI\u2019m off the market.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, it doesn\u2019t say: \u201cI\u2019ve chosen him. He\u2019s chosen me. Everything else is off limits.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. It says, \u201cWe\u2019re sort of still in the store, shopping.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But I\u2019m guessing\u2014the minds of the two that have moved in together\u2014at least, one of them is thinking: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe will be more faithful if we are living together,\u201d until the temptation comes along, at least. There is this idea that \u201cI\u2019m getting closer to marriage by moving in.\u201d You\u2019re saying, \u201cNot in terms of sexual faithfulness, you\u2019re not.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I think one of the big changes in relationships these days is\u2014this generation \/ the young generation now\u2014because it feels safe \/ but it\u2019s not actually safe\u2014loves ambiguity. They love ambiguity about romance and commitment. They don\u2019t want to be declaring themselves. They don\u2019t want to be real clear because that feels like they are going to risk more, and they could get hurt more. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe problem with ambiguity\u2014and it shows up in cohabitation and a lot of other behaviors. The problem with ambiguity is that it greatly raises the likelihood that one of you is not nearly as committed in the relationship as the other, and you haven\u2019t figured it out yet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of the things that more traditional courtship structures\u2014more traditional things like being engaged for a while\u2014even think about, when we were all young, people went steady. They don\u2019t talk about going steady now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was a way of practicing\u2014publicly declaring commitment. People don\u2019t do these things now except for maybe the Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> status thing, which is an interesting thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAmbiguity really reigns. When there is a lot of ambiguity and nothing is pushing you to declare yourself and where you are at about commitment to this person, you have\u2014and we show this in a number of studies\u2014you have a much greater likelihood that you are in a relationship\u2014not guaranteed \/ but a much greater likelihood\u2014that one is substantially more dedicated than the other. Somewhere along the line, you\u2019re both going to figure that out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want to invite every cohabiting couple, who are listening to our broadcast, to come to <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup>. You may say\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, yes, yes, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Wait, wait, wait\u2014<em>I Still Do<\/em>?\u00a0 I want you to come and check out what the Scriptures have to say about how two imperfect, broken people can go the distance with a covenant-keeping promise\u2014a vow\u2014that is a powerful statement to another person: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou are mine. I am yours. We are together for a lifetime.\u201d\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, you want people who haven\u2019t said, \u201cI do,\u201d to come to <em>I Still Do<\/em>?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Absolutely!\u00a0 All of our listeners know people who are cohabiting\u2014invite \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthem \/ bring them to <em>I Still Do<\/em>. We\u2019re going to be in Chicago\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>August\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014Portland, and Washington, DC. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Can I say what is so wonderful about that idea?\u2014because, again, think about what I said\u2014number one thing people believe that\u2019s going to give them an edge is living together. Our number one thing to caution people about is making it harder to break up before you\u2019ve made a decision. When you go to something like that\u2014you\u2019re learning about the relationship without doing it in a way that\u2019s making it harder to leave the relationship if you find out this person isn\u2019t the one. It\u2019s a wonderful idea. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It is. And you are a great researcher. I appreciate the integrity you have with all that you are doing; and I just appreciate you, Scott. Hope you won\u2019t wait another 15 years to come back and join us again\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Thanks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014on the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m just trying to think if there\u2019s\u2014if we\u2019ll be here in 15 years\u2014 if you do wait that long. We want to encourage our listeners today to come join us at <em>I Still Do<\/em>\u2014information \/ tickets\u2014online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click in the upper left-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d You can find out everything you need about these three upcoming events.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChicago\u2014just a couple of weeks from now, Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>, at the Allstate Arena\u2014really looking forward to kicking this thing off in Chicago a couple of weeks from now. Then, three weeks after that\u2014August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, in Portland, at the Moda Center\u2014then, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, the worldwide simulcast originating from the Verizon Center in Washington, DC. Al Mohler, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Crawford and Karen Loritts, David Nasser, Shaunti Feldhahn, Ron Deal\u2014music from Andrew Peterson \/ Chris August\u2014worship led by Jimmy McNeal. It\u2019s going to be a great day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got a lot planned for you\u2014a lot of fun \/ a lot of excitement. We hope that you\u2019ll come and join us. Find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, click in the upper left-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cGO DEEPER\u201d; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are online today, take special notice\u2014Scott Stanley\u2019s book, <em>A Lasting Promise<\/em>, which again has been revised and updated. We\u2019ve got copies of the new volume in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. We\u2019d love to get a copy to you. You can order online, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and order a copy of the book over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m thinking about the upcoming <em>I Still Do<\/em>. I\u2019m remembering, Dennis, a message that you gave at one of our <em>I Still Do<\/em> events a number of years ago. It was a passionate call to couples to\u2014not just to go the distance\u2014but to engage other couples and to take the message of help and hope to them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd here, at FamilyLife, we\u2019ve been working to develop tools and resources that make it easier for you to do that\u2014like <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> event or the <em>Stepping Up<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> study for men. And with all of this, we could not do what we are doing if it weren\u2019t for listeners to this program, who agree with the mission of FamilyLife\u2014who also want to see every home become a godly home. You guys, who help support us\u2014you are key partners in all that God is doing through this ministry. We\u2019re grateful for you. We appreciate you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can help with a donation today, we\u2019d like to send you a CD of the message that I was talking about from Dennis. We\u2019ll send it when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link in the upper right-hand corner that says, \u201cI CARE.\u201d\u00a0 Make an online donation. Or you can request the CD when you call to make a donation. Our toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can also request the CD if you mail a donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about your faith and your job\u2014and whether those two ought to mix, and how they ought to mix, and how they can mix without you getting fired. That doesn\u2019t always work, but we\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. Terence Chatmon and Bobby Mitchell are going to be here tomorrow. They are from the Fellowship of Companies for Christ International. And we\u2019ll have a conversation with them tomorrow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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professor Scott Stanley talks about the power of prayer in marriage. Scott shares how praying for your partner strengthens your relationship and your commitment to them.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-16.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve undoubtedly heard people make a case for living together before marriage\u2014saying, \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t buy a car without taking a test drive; right?\u201d\u00a0 Author and researcher, Scott Stanley, says, \u201cThat\u2019s a flawed strategy when we are talking about human relationships.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>The problem with this strategy is that it is harder to break up when you are living together than when you are dating. Everything else can be identical in your relationship\u2014in terms of your behavior \/ whether you are a good fit for each other\u2014all of that can be identical. When you move in together\u2014sharing a single address\u2014you have made it harder to break up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, July 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. If you\u2019re goal \/ your ambition is to stay married to the same person \u2018til death do you part, we\u2019ll talk about some strategies that can help you fulfill that goal today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Bob, let me ask you a question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Alright. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want you to give me your honest feedback on this statement. It is made by the guest on our broadcast today\u2014Scott Stanley. Scott, welcome to the broadcast. I\u2019m sorry I\u2019m setting you up here to see what Bob thinks about your comment. He says this\u2014 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I hope we agree. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Wonderful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I hope we agree. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Me too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Scott says this, \u201cOne of the surest ways to pray more effectively is to focus on asking God to change you, not your mate.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. [Laughter]\u00a0 Yes. Yes. I don\u2019t think there is any disagreement there. The key words were \u201cpray effectively\u201d because, honestly, as we say at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, we don\u2019t show up at the getaway to talk to your spouse. The only person we are there to talk to is you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because the only person that God\u2019s Spirit is going to change in you is you. And that\u2019s where you\u2019ve got to start. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And we\u2019ve got a guy who has\u2014well, he has had God change him. We\u2019re going to find out how in the coming moments. Scott Stanley\u2014who is the author of <em>A Lasting Promise<\/em>\u2014he is the father of two sons \/ been married to Nancy since 1982. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd let\u2019s cut to the chase, Scott: \u201cHow has God changed you, since 1982, when you made a promise to Nancy and you began this journey with her called marriage?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Scott: <\/strong>The number one thing that comes to my mind that happens in our marriage is that I get\u2014this is important\u2014humbled \/ not humiliated. There\u2019s a big difference. Humbled but not humiliated\u2014because I learn stuff from Nancy. She points to\u2014I\u2019m always surprised at just the way God can teach me something and help me see something that I didn\u2019t see. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was telling Nancy, the other day, that she has been so much wiser than me at several critical junctures. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe had so much a better a bead than I did on what was best for our kids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>\u2014what was best for our two sons. In all those times, I was initially resistant. She nudged, and pushed, and made the point. I think one of the ways that God has changed me in marriage\u2014and this is one of the ways that commitment changes you in marriage\u2014is you\u2019re with this person through so much time and so much change\u2014you learn to really respect each other for going through the journey and what you can learn from this other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You mentioned that you were humbled \/ not humiliated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What\u2019s the difference between the two?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>If you have a healthy relationship, with some emotional safety and commitment, you are going to be humbled. You\u2019re going to learn stuff. You\u2019re going to have to change because, if you are getting your way all the time, there is something wrong in your relationship. It\u2019s humbling to learn. It\u2019s humbling to listen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat is different about humiliation is\u2014one is grinding down\u2014and the other one is belittling the other one as showing contempt for the character of the other. That is a great destroyer of marriages. That is super-damaging, and that\u2019s\u2014nobody is getting better, healthier, or growing closer to God from humiliation\u2014but humbling is powerful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay, Bob, how about you?\u00a0 How has God changed you?\u00a0 You and Mary Ann have been married\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have been married 35 years, this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I would say that the biggest change in me is that, over the years, I have seen more instances of selfishness kind of drift to the top of the cauldron. I think some of that has been skimmed off a little bit more than was there earlier-on in our marriage. There is some more deference, some more dying to self, and some more valuing of the \u201cus-ness\u201d over the \u201cme-ness\u201d in our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Beautiful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And that\u2019s what I was going to say was true in my own life. Forty-one years of marriage has taught me how selfish I am. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it has also taught me that you can\u2019t love another person the way God has commanded us to love, and the way they need to be loved, and be selfish simultaneously. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is what I find fascinating about the book that you\u2019ve written that we\u2019ve been talking about this week\u2014<em>A Lasting Promise<\/em>\u2014and the work that you do, as a researcher. You\u2019re involved with the University of Denver. You do research\u2014scholarly research that is scientifically-valid. I mean, other people, who don\u2019t share your worldview, can look at your research and go, \u201cThat\u2019s good research.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve got a chapter in your book about the importance of prayer in a marriage relationship. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cSo, do these other guys, who are validating your research, look at Chapter 3 on prayer and go, \u2018Huh?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Some of my colleagues and some of the people doing the best research on prayer are secular. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome of my colleagues have understood that for a lot of people\u2014most people on the planet pray. These are very highly-respected marital scholars, who started to think: \u201cMaybe we should understand more about prayer and marriage. Maybe we should understand more about how to encourage people to pray for their mate.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019ve learned in talking with them\u2014in terms of the importance of emphasizing this\u2014a lot of times\u2014and you guys know this\u2014in the Christian world, when people think about prayer\u2014the first thing in marriage\u2014the first thing that comes to mind is \u201cAlright, let\u2019s find a time each day where we can have our quiet time and sit down together and pray together.\u201d\u00a0 There are couples that can do that and do that really well. My parents were one of those couples. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a lot of couples, for whatever reason\u2014multiple determined reasons\u2014they cannot do that; but one of the things that we stress is about how you\u2014regardless of what your mate does or even what your mate believes\u2014how you can pray for your mate. One of the studies that I talk about in the book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014they showed that one of the things that happens\u2014when you have somebody praying for their partner, it strengthens their commitment to their relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, think about this. Just\u2014I don\u2019t want you to forget God, and you\u2019re not about to\u2014but leave that out of that for a moment and just think about that, as a researcher, who maybe doesn\u2019t even believe in God. What are you doing when you are praying for your partner?\u00a0 You are reinforcing, within yourself, your sense that \u201cI am committed to this person for long-term.\u201d\u00a0 Why would you pray for this person deliberately, and intentionally, and repeatedly if you weren\u2019t really having a sense of commitment to them?\u00a0 So, it reinforces and strengthens. And they can show\u2014you get people praying for their partner\u2014it strengthens their commitment to that person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Prayer says, \u201cI care about you.\u201d\u00a0 It says, \u201cI want to protect you.\u201d\u00a0 Prayer says: \u201cI\u2019m looking out for you. I\u2019m concerned about your future \/ about your well-being right now\u2014how I can, perhaps, ask God to bless you and return good to you this day.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara and I have been praying for over 41 years in our marriage\u2014everyday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve missed a handful of days in those 41 years; but we pray for and with each other in the marriage relationship. You tell a story about a couple who were praying for better communication\u2014actually, the husband, Gil, was asking God that they might be able to better communicate with each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>So, think about what happens here when Gil\u2019s doing this. As Gil prays for his relationship\u2014and specifically, he\u2019s praying for better communication\u2014not only can God intervene and work through Gil and work through his wife; but Gil is actually saying: \u201cShow me stuff. Show me where I\u2019m harsh with her. Show me where I don\u2019t listen. Show me where I can be more gentle in showing her that I understand and that I care,\u201d\u2014not only is he asking God to intervene directly\u2014he\u2019s priming himself. He\u2019s making himself more aware by praying and showing his willingness to do the kind of things that will completely change how the two of them communicate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And what happened when Gil prayed?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Scott: <\/strong>He changed. He started to be more gentle. He starts to listen more. One of the lines I really enjoy in the book is\u2014goes something like this, \u201cIf you pray for God to show you how you are being a doofus in your marriage\u201d\u2014technical term; okay?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Doofus. Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>It\u2019s from the Greek. [Laughter]\u00a0 \u201cIf you are praying for God to show you where you\u2019re making some mistakes\u2014where your game is not so good and what you\u2019re doing in your marriage\u2014He\u2019s going to love to honor that prayer because that\u2019s a prayer of humility. That\u2019s a prayer of genuinely asking God to \u2018help and show me something.\u2019\u00a0 I\u2019m not asking God to make <em>her<\/em> better for me. I\u2019m asking Him to make me better for her.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, what does this look like in your marriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Scott: <\/strong>The way that this works in my marriage is\u2014I pray deliberately, now, for me to be better able to show Nancy my appreciation for the things that she does that are really amazing and that are important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to give you an example. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>I\u2019ve been thinking about this for a time. I\u2019ve been becoming more mindful of this. I told her very deliberately, just the other night\u2014I wasn\u2019t making the opportunity for this, but it was in my head. It came up from something I was reading. I gave her very specific examples of things that she\u2019s done for our boys that amaze me\u2014the things that I wouldn\u2019t have seen. I think it\u2019s very important and powerful for her to hear that because she\u2019s a mom, and it\u2019s a big part of her identity, and it\u2019s completely true. Now, it can be true and I can be not so aware of it and never say anything about it; but it\u2019s a lot more powerful if it\u2019s true, and I\u2019m aware of it, and I tell her I see it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want to ask you about\u2014again, the title of your book, <em>A Lasting Promise<\/em>\u2014I want to ask you about couples who are maybe praying for one another but haven\u2019t made the lasting promise. In our culture today\u2014you know this\u2014more people are getting to the altar after having lived together for some period of time than vice versa; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Absolutely, correct. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, cohabitation is just an assumed part of how life goes for the average person growing up in our culture today. For years, there has been research that that\u2019s not healthy for a marriage. In recent months, there has been new research that says that it may not be as bad as it was. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve been around this research for a long time. What would you say to a couple that comes to you and says: \u201cYou know, we are thinking about, maybe, moving in together. We think we might want to get married someday, and we thought this would be a great way just to see are we really compatible with one another\u201d?\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>We published a lot of studies on this. It\u2019s an area where we do a lot of work. Let me just hit a few of the highlights. Of course, cohabitation\u2019s very prominent \/ very common now. Probably, about 70 percent of couples are going to live together now before marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother big change\u2014in some ways, it\u2019s even more disconcerting than that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we are seeing now is an increase in what I call a cohabi-dating, which is cohabitating without even any expectation that it might even lead to marriage. It\u2019s just becoming an increasing pattern of the dating sort of world, where: \u201cWe are going to live together awhile; and then, I\u2019m going to move on to another.\u201d\u00a0 Technically, we call it serial cohabitation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think that\u2019s important to just stop and unpack for a moment. Cohabitation implies that a couple is kind of taking a test drive\u2014with the idea that they may get married. <br><br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>But there is a new form of it\u2014you\u2019re saying\u2014where people are saying: \u201cWe\u2019re just renting the car for the weekend. Then, we\u2019ll turn it back in when we\u2019re tired of it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. So, there are both forms of that. And then, the other form\u2014where one is thinking, \u201cWe\u2019re heading toward marriage,\u201d and the other doesn\u2019t even have a clue\u2014not thinking that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>It is like: \u201cIt\u2019s great to play house with you. I didn\u2019t know you were thinking more.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, here is the number one thing\u2014now, just think, as a researcher, for a moment. Then, we can think about things theologically. The number one thing that people don\u2019t understand about cohabitation\u2014so there is decades of research that show that couples who live together first actually don\u2019t do better in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd there is some equivocation, now, in studies\u2014not ours because we break it down in a better way in terms of the things that we look at\u2014but notice that, even in the studies where people are saying now, \u201cThere is no risk,\u201d nobody is actually saying\u2014or rarely will you find a researcher saying, \u201cWe\u2019re finding that there is a great advantage to it,\u201d which is very interesting because, for four decades, you got research that shows that marriages, on average, don\u2019t do as well when they start out living together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is the number one thing young people believe they can do to give their marriage a better shot. The problem with this strategy is that it is harder to break up when you are living together than when you are dating. Everything else can be identical in your relationship\u2014in terms of your behavior \/ whether you are a good fit for each other\u2014all of that can be identical. When you move in together\u2014sharing a single address\u2014you have made it harder to break up before you have really clarified that you want a future together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What may happen, at that point, is\u2014a couple may move in. They may have a child or two\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and now, we\u2019ve got the makings of a family. One person is not feeling settled in the relationship, and they\u2019re wanting out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Right. You can see this five years later \/ ten years\u2014the implications of this\u2014fifteen years later \/ five years later\u2014when it\u2019s tough, and you\u2019ve got the kids, and all\u2014maybe, you have walked the aisle\u2014you\u2019re married now\u2014but one of you may be sitting there, secretly inside, not maybe even fully-acknowledging it: \u201cI never actually really chose this,\u201d because the other fact about cohabitation is that people tend to slide into it instead of talking about it: \u201cWhat does it mean?\u201d\u2014\u201cMake a decision.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCommitments are decisions. When you\u2019re making a commitment, you\u2019re making a decision. When you\u2019re sliding into living together, you\u2019re not making a decision\u2014you\u2019re not making a commitment. One of the things that we see, in all different kinds of ways in our work, is that cohabitation actually doesn\u2019t tell you much about the commitment level of a couple. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMarriage tells you a lot. Engagement tells you a lot. Mutual publically-declared plans tell you a lot about a couple\u2019s commitment; but cohabitation doesn\u2019t really have much information in it about commitment. Very often, what happens in a lot of forms of cohabitation now\u2014is one is thinking that \u201cI want a future with this person. I hope we get to the altar,\u201d\u2014and the other isn\u2019t thinking that. That difference in commitment is going to blow up, at some point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I think it\u2019s interesting for you to talk about sliding into cohabitation because if you pull back and ask, \u201cHow do most people get there?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell, here is what happened\u2014we started sleeping together. Then, I started just staying over because we were sleeping together. Then, we started doing it a couple times\u2014three times \/ four times a week. We just looked at each other and said, \u2018It would certainly be more convenient if I had some clothes here and a toothbrush here.\u2019\u00a0 The next thing you know, I\u2019m at the post office changing my address because I\u2019m over there more than I am at my place. Why pay rent for my place?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly how it happens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, that\u2019s not a commitment. It\u2019s not a decision\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>\u2014and \u201cHere we are.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is another finding in our study that\u2019s very clear. In some ways, the number one worst reason to have to move in together is to test the relationship\u2014to try the relationship. What we find in one of the studies that we published\u2014where we asked people, \u201cWhat are the reasons why you\u2019re living together?\u201d The couples with the worst relationships, that are living together, are the ones that say they moved in together to test the relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I will often say to people about that is: \u201cIf you think you need to test something in the relationship, you probably already have your answer.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. There is one thing I want to make sure you get on the table here that was really an \u201caha\u201d to me\u2014and that\u2019s the power of commitment\u2014that it has on a relationship. And what you shared, earlier, before we came in here to talk on the broadcast\u2014you\u2019re talking about the fidelity factor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>One of our studies\u2014and then, there is another study that shows this, as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis surprises people because you tend to think: \u201cOkay, that couple is living together. They\u2019ve got something going on. They must have more commitment.\u201d\u00a0 Now, if they tell you they are engaged, that is going to be true. Now, again, I\u2019m just speaking as a researcher\u2014not about what I think is sort of biblically-right in terms of that behavior\u2014but they\u2019re going to be a lot stronger if they are engaged. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if a couple just tells you they are living together, it turns out that couple\u2014that\u2019s just living together\u2014is no more likely to have two people being sexually-faithful to each other than a couple that\u2019s similar in other ways but dating. The couple that\u2019s moved in together isn\u2019t any more likely to be faithful than the dating couple, where everything else is similar. What living together does not say to other people\u2014is it doesn\u2019t actually say, \u201cI\u2019m off the market.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, it doesn\u2019t say: \u201cI\u2019ve chosen him. He\u2019s chosen me. Everything else is off limits.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. It says, \u201cWe\u2019re sort of still in the store, shopping.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But I\u2019m guessing\u2014the minds of the two that have moved in together\u2014at least, one of them is thinking: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe will be more faithful if we are living together,\u201d until the temptation comes along, at least. There is this idea that \u201cI\u2019m getting closer to marriage by moving in.\u201d You\u2019re saying, \u201cNot in terms of sexual faithfulness, you\u2019re not.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I think one of the big changes in relationships these days is\u2014this generation \/ the young generation now\u2014because it feels safe \/ but it\u2019s not actually safe\u2014loves ambiguity. They love ambiguity about romance and commitment. They don\u2019t want to be declaring themselves. They don\u2019t want to be real clear because that feels like they are going to risk more, and they could get hurt more. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe problem with ambiguity\u2014and it shows up in cohabitation and a lot of other behaviors. The problem with ambiguity is that it greatly raises the likelihood that one of you is not nearly as committed in the relationship as the other, and you haven\u2019t figured it out yet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of the things that more traditional courtship structures\u2014more traditional things like being engaged for a while\u2014even think about, when we were all young, people went steady. They don\u2019t talk about going steady now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was a way of practicing\u2014publicly declaring commitment. People don\u2019t do these things now except for maybe the Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> status thing, which is an interesting thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAmbiguity really reigns. When there is a lot of ambiguity and nothing is pushing you to declare yourself and where you are at about commitment to this person, you have\u2014and we show this in a number of studies\u2014you have a much greater likelihood that you are in a relationship\u2014not guaranteed \/ but a much greater likelihood\u2014that one is substantially more dedicated than the other. Somewhere along the line, you\u2019re both going to figure that out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want to invite every cohabiting couple, who are listening to our broadcast, to come to <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup>. You may say\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, yes, yes, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Wait, wait, wait\u2014<em>I Still Do<\/em>?\u00a0 I want you to come and check out what the Scriptures have to say about how two imperfect, broken people can go the distance with a covenant-keeping promise\u2014a vow\u2014that is a powerful statement to another person: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou are mine. I am yours. We are together for a lifetime.\u201d\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, you want people who haven\u2019t said, \u201cI do,\u201d to come to <em>I Still Do<\/em>?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Absolutely!\u00a0 All of our listeners know people who are cohabiting\u2014invite \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tthem \/ bring them to <em>I Still Do<\/em>. We\u2019re going to be in Chicago\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>August\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014Portland, and Washington, DC. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Can I say what is so wonderful about that idea?\u2014because, again, think about what I said\u2014number one thing people believe that\u2019s going to give them an edge is living together. Our number one thing to caution people about is making it harder to break up before you\u2019ve made a decision. When you go to something like that\u2014you\u2019re learning about the relationship without doing it in a way that\u2019s making it harder to leave the relationship if you find out this person isn\u2019t the one. It\u2019s a wonderful idea. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It is. And you are a great researcher. I appreciate the integrity you have with all that you are doing; and I just appreciate you, Scott. Hope you won\u2019t wait another 15 years to come back and join us again\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Thanks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014on the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m just trying to think if there\u2019s\u2014if we\u2019ll be here in 15 years\u2014 if you do wait that long. We want to encourage our listeners today to come join us at <em>I Still Do<\/em>\u2014information \/ tickets\u2014online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click in the upper left-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d You can find out everything you need about these three upcoming events.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChicago\u2014just a couple of weeks from now, Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>, at the Allstate Arena\u2014really looking forward to kicking this thing off in Chicago a couple of weeks from now. Then, three weeks after that\u2014August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, in Portland, at the Moda Center\u2014then, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, the worldwide simulcast originating from the Verizon Center in Washington, DC. Al Mohler, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Crawford and Karen Loritts, David Nasser, Shaunti Feldhahn, Ron Deal\u2014music from Andrew Peterson \/ Chris August\u2014worship led by Jimmy McNeal. It\u2019s going to be a great day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got a lot planned for you\u2014a lot of fun \/ a lot of excitement. We hope that you\u2019ll come and join us. Find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, click in the upper left-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cGO DEEPER\u201d; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you are online today, take special notice\u2014Scott Stanley\u2019s book, <em>A Lasting Promise<\/em>, which again has been revised and updated. We\u2019ve got copies of the new volume in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. We\u2019d love to get a copy to you. You can order online, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and order a copy of the book over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m thinking about the upcoming <em>I Still Do<\/em>. I\u2019m remembering, Dennis, a message that you gave at one of our <em>I Still Do<\/em> events a number of years ago. It was a passionate call to couples to\u2014not just to go the distance\u2014but to engage other couples and to take the message of help and hope to them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd here, at FamilyLife, we\u2019ve been working to develop tools and resources that make it easier for you to do that\u2014like <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> event or the <em>Stepping Up<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> study for men. And with all of this, we could not do what we are doing if it weren\u2019t for listeners to this program, who agree with the mission of FamilyLife\u2014who also want to see every home become a godly home. You guys, who help support us\u2014you are key partners in all that God is doing through this ministry. We\u2019re grateful for you. We appreciate you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can help with a donation today, we\u2019d like to send you a CD of the message that I was talking about from Dennis. We\u2019ll send it when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link in the upper right-hand corner that says, \u201cI CARE.\u201d\u00a0 Make an online donation. Or you can request the CD when you call to make a donation. Our toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can also request the CD if you mail a donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about your faith and your job\u2014and whether those two ought to mix, and how they ought to mix, and how they can mix without you getting fired. That doesn\u2019t always work, but we\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. Terence Chatmon and Bobby Mitchell are going to be here tomorrow. They are from the Fellowship of Companies for Christ International. And we\u2019ll have a conversation with them tomorrow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303125","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303125"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303125"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303125"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303125"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303125"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303125"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303125"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}