{"id":303115,"date":"2014-07-09T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-07-09T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/your-shot-at-a-happy-marriage\/"},"modified":"2014-07-09T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-07-09T15:00:00","slug":"your-shot-at-a-happy-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/your-shot-at-a-happy-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Your Shot at a Happy Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Shaunti Feldhahn assures couples that happiness is within their reach, especially when they enter the marriage covenant wholeheartedly, resigned to stay committed no matter what.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-09.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.63M","filesize_raw":"24782251","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2862],"tags":[4086,5372,5374,5371,5373],"podcast_series":[8021],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303115","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-differences","tag-commitment","tag-contentment-in-marriage","tag-happiness","tag-happy-couples","tag-unhappy-in-marriage","podcast_series-surprising-secrets-of-highly-happy-marriage","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303115\/your-shot-at-a-happy-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303115\/your-shot-at-a-happy-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"CboDzNPhVw\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/your-shot-at-a-happy-marriage\/\">Your Shot at a Happy Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/your-shot-at-a-happy-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=CboDzNPhVw\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Your Shot at a Happy Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"CboDzNPhVw\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-09.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-09.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are you optimistic about where your marriage is headed or pessimistic?\u00a0 Author, Shaunti Feldhahn, says, \u201cYour attitude can make a big difference.\u201d\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>One of the things I think that is a <em>huge<\/em> issue for us in our culture is we have this idea that \u201cBecause I\u2019m not going to be happy in my marriage\u2014because most marriages are just kind of \u2018eh\u2019\u201d\u2014what ends up happening is you hold yourself back a little bit. When things start to go wrong, you start thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not going to make it.\u201d\u00a0 You start feeling really discouraged, and you start feeling this sense of futility, and \u201cWhy would I stick this out for an unhappy marriage for the next 40 years?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, July 9<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of people in your neighborhood and your community who are happily married. We\u2019re going to talk about those happily married couples today. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know\u2014one of the reasons that we\u2019re excited that we\u2019re going to be gathering with a lot of our friends in Chicago on August 2<sup>nd<\/sup> at the Allstate Arena for our <em>I Still Do<\/em><em><sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/em> marriage celebration\u2014and at the Moda Center in Portland on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup> and at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC, on October 4<sup>th<\/sup>\u2014is because it gives us and all of those friends an opportunity to say to their neighbors and everybody else in their city: \u201cWe think marriage is important. We think our marriage is important, and we plan for this marriage to go the distance.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cAnd we stand for marriage as God designed.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m going to tell you something\u2014if you haven\u2019t been a part of an arena that has 12\/15\/18,000 people\u2014there is something electric, Bob, of that many people coming and celebrating marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, at the end of the event, we have a very, very special conclusion\u2014actually, kind of a two-fold conclusion\u2014that is just a triple exclamation point to the day\u2014 that I don\u2019t think any of our listeners\u2014if they knew what was about to happen in these communities\u2014they\u2019d find a way to get there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and the reason I started off talking about that is because, in addition to you and Barbara being there to speak; and Crawford and Karen Loritts being there to speak; and Dr. Al Mohler coming out to speak; and Andrew Peterson doing a concert at midday\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right, we\u2019ve got drama. We\u2019ve got comedians. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in addition to all of that\u2014our guest this week is going to be joining us to talk about: \u201cWhat is the difference between marriages that are working and marriages that aren\u2019t working?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, and Shaunti Feldhahn is going to join us on stage at these events. You excited about it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Oh, I\u2019m thrilled. I\u2019m <em>honored <\/em>to be asked. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And she has just released a book called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>, which is really the result of a lot of research you\u2019ve done over the past three to four years on what really comprises marriages that are content, satisfied, hopeful marriages that are going the distance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you talk about in your book is this theme of commitment, which is what <em>I Still Do<\/em> is all about. It\u2019s about two people who say: \u201cYou know what? We still do. We are\u2014we\u2019re going to stay committed for a lifetime.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u201c\u2026and we\u2019re going to affirm that.\u201d\u00a0 Yes, one of the things\u2014I identified 12 of these little things that really seemed to make a huge difference. This is one that really took many marriages from being unhappy to being very happy\u2014very\u2014this sense of \u201cThis is the marriage\u2014that God designed it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIt is as it is supposed to be,\u201d which is the kind of marriage we all want; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that was a very clear success factor is this\u2014as one person put it: \u201cWe decided we are going to lock ourselves in the marriage and throw away the key.\u201d There is such\u2014I think, in our culture\u2014this feeling that: \u201cThere are so many marriage problems, we have to protect ourselves a little bit,\u201d and, \u201cI have to protect myself a little bit,\u201d and, \u201cI kind of have to hold myself back a little bit, emotionally.\u201d\u00a0 That is actually a death factor\u2014that\u2019s not a success factor. That will kill you and your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was talking to one couple that had gone from being very unhappy and very much on the verge of divorce to being one of these highly happy couples I was studying. He said his wife had always been advised by her mom: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to have a little bank account on the side. You\u2019ve got to have a little bit just in case he flakes out on you. It\u2019s just\u2014it\u2019s only logical.\u201d\u00a0 I asked him\u2014I said, \u201cWhat was the impact of that?\u201d\u00a0 He said one word\u2014\u201cDeath.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEverything changed when they said\u2014and they kind of woke up and went: \u201cWhoa!\u00a0 Wait a minute!\u00a0 We\u2019re actually building a wall. We\u2019re actually saying, \u2018I don\u2019t trust you,\u2019 and it\u2019s creating, in our marriage, the problem you think you are trying to protect yourself from.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s creating that poison. It\u2019s creating the sense that \u201cWe can\u2019t really be all-in.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese couples\u2014that was one of the things that made them so happy\u2014is that they decided to risk their happiness\u2014they decided to risk everything, emotionally, and be all-in\u2014be fully-committed \/ never say the \u201cd-word\u201d ever again. That kind of thing changes everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I had to smile, Shaunti, as you were talking about that. You\u2014kind of as you rolled into that, you said, \u201cThere are 12 little things that help a marriage be happy and go the distance.\u201d\u00a0 I thought, \u201cThis little thing\u201d\u2014it\u2019s called a ring here that I\u2019m wearing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>That\u2019s wonderful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cThis little thing\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cis one of the most frequently lost objects in baggage that is checked on the airlines that they find in these suitcases of lost bags\u201d\u2014wedding rings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>People who take off their ring before they fly and put it in their luggage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, they are going on a business trip, and they are taking off this little thing before they go on the business trip. This little thing\u2014this little reminder, right here, is really what creates the safety\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014the walls that create the growth between two imperfect human beings who are going to hurt each other a thousand times in a thousand ways. If you can multiply, that\u2019s a million; okay?\u2014because there are all kinds of ways, unfortunately, that I have hurt Barbara in our 41 years of marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>But\u2014and this is what a lot of people need to hear\u2014<em>but<\/em> I bet there have been <em>millions<\/em> of ways you\u2019ve blessed each other too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>There are <em>millions<\/em> of ways that you guys have built a wonderful relationship. There are so many things that we can <em>celebrate<\/em> about our marriages and say, \u201cIt\u2019s okay to aim for that.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what we want to say here, with this <em>I Still Do<\/em> thing. If I understanding the theme of it, it\u2019s celebrating this commitment and saying: \u201cI still do because this is <em>wonderful<\/em>. I\u2019m aiming for this great relationship with you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, when we stand up at the altar, we say, \u201cI\u2019m committed, no matter what\u2014sickness, health, rich, poor, better, worse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, we\u2019re saying, \u201cWe\u2019re all-in.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cwe are all-in on this deal.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, to say, \u201cI still do,\u201d is to say, \u201cI\u2019m reaffirming.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cI\u2019m still in.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When we say to one another, \u201cLook, no matter how hard this gets, I\u2019m not going anywhere,\u201d there is a safety. There is a comfort there. There is something that causes us to be able to go: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cReally? You would really go through hardship with me?\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a profound kind of love that is a transcendent kind of love; isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It is absolutely what makes it. But you know the other thing that I think people need to know is\u2014it\u2019s not all\u2014I love the way one philosopher put it\u2014it\u2019s not all big issues and heart surgery. It\u2019s\u2014there is beauty, and wonder, and delight in the way that God designed marriage to work. It is okay to long for that and say: \u201cI\u2019m having trouble now, but I believe I can get to a happy marriage. I believe that I can get to this place. Yes, it doesn\u2019t give me an excuse to leave if I\u2019m not there\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbut absolutely, we\u2019re going to keep working for that because we\u2019re in this for the rest of our lives.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI love the way some of these happy couples that I interviewed put it. They are like: \u201cIf you lock yourself in the marriage, and you throw away the key, and you\u2019re going to stick with your promises, no matter what, you better figure out how do it\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbecause you want to have a good marriage for the rest of your life\u2014not a bad one.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When I\u2019m talking to young couples, who are thinking about marriage\u2014or even when I\u2019m talking to married couples\u2014I\u2019ll often say: \u201cLook, marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work.\u201d\u00a0 Mary Ann will nudge me. She\u2019ll go: \u201cTell them it\u2019s nice too. I mean\u2014tell people\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Thank you, Mary Ann. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She\u2019ll go\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cremind them it\u2019s fun, and it\u2019s a joy.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, it is a joy. You keep throwing this word around\u2014secrets of a happy marriage. Unpack the word, happy, because there are some who kind of recoil against that\u2014and maybe even others, who would go, \u201cI\u2019m not even sure that\u2019s even possible.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes, it has become a bit of a twitchy factor, I think, especially in the Christian community because\u2014you know, Gary Thomas\u2019s book, <em>Sacred Marriage<\/em>. The subtitle is so profound: <em>What If God Designed Marriage to Make You Holy More Than to Make You Happy?<\/em>\u00a0 It gets you thinking\u2014and like, \u201cMaybe we\u2019ve romanticized marriage and you need to stick in with it, even if you\u2019re not happy.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd yes, absolutely, all that\u2019s true. But when I talk to average people, who have heard that, their shoulders start to slump. They look really depressed. I say, \u201cWhat is this about this\u2014what\u2019s wrong?\u201d\u00a0 They are like, \u201cWell, you\u2019re making me choose between holiness and happiness.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was talking to a counselor. He said he sees people come in, every single day, with the feeling\u2014in their marriage counseling\u2014they\u2019ve got two choices\u2014to get divorced and be happy or stick it out and be miserable. He\u2019s like, \u201cDoor number three\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cHow about stick it out and learn how to be happy?\u201d\u00a0 There is\u2014I don\u2019t think there is anything wrong, at all, with saying \u201cThe way God designed marriage was for this abundant, wonderful, fulfilling companionship that is delightful.\u201d\u00a0 It is supposed to mirror the relationship between Christ and His church; right?\u00a0 So, that\u2019s supposed to be a wonderful thing. It doesn\u2019t always work out that way. If it doesn\u2019t\u2014if you\u2019re not happy, it\u2019s not an excuse to leave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think we\u2019ve had this knee-jerk reaction in the Christian community that says, \u201cWe shouldn\u2019t talk about a <em>happy<\/em> marriage.\u201d\u00a0 I think people are <em>longing<\/em> for one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I would say\u2014not to counter what you said\u2014but just to kind of round it off a little bit\u2014I think you can be happy and holy because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014if you\u2019re holy, you\u2019re operating the way God designed you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There\u2019s going to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to operate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There is going to be joy in holiness. I think we do want to differentiate between what may be momentary, circumstantially-driven happiness\u2014you know that \u201cHey, we\u2019re having a good day because the sun is out, and because the bills are paid, and because you cooked my favorite food for dinner.\u201d\u00a0 But there are also days when the kids are sick, and the bills are piled up, and it\u2019s not a happy day; but we still have joy in our relationship with one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I think if Gary Thomas was here\u2014I think what he would say\u2014he\u2019d say: \u201cYou know, there\u2019s a lot about happiness that is me-focused. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat I think God was up to when He called them to be husband and wife\u2014to go the distance and to love each other for a lifetime\u2014was to be reflecting God\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201creflecting His love, His forgiveness, His relationship\u2014Christ and the church\u2014to a lost world.\u201d\u00a0 So, it\u2019s really not, as you said, either\/or.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It\u2019s both\/and. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It really is\u2014I think it is possible to have both\/and. It\u2019s a part of what you write about in a book you\u2019ve also recently released called <em>The Good News About Marriage<\/em> because you kind of unpacked what\u2019s taking place in marriages today, really, as an outflow of this covenant \/ this promise that we make to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>I think one of the biggest problems today\u2014we actually put this on the cover of the book\u2014\u201cThe greatest threat to marriage isn\u2019t divorce. It\u2019s discouragement,\u201d because we have this idea\u2014when I go around\u2014because, you know, I\u2019m sort of\u2014I\u2019m a research nerd. I will go up to random people in a coffee shop and ask them questions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I go up to a random person in a coffee shop and ask them, \u201cWhat percentage of marriages do you think are happy?\u201d\u2014now, I\u2019m not asking them if they have a happy marriage. I\u2019m saying\u2014\u201cJust in general, what percentage of marriages do you think are happy?\u201d\u00a0 You know the average number that I hear?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, be honest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Don\u2019t try play to her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Now, you\u2019ve read the book. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No, I\u2019m thinking the average person says, \u201c20 percent.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was going to say, \u201c25-30.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, if you\u2019re asking me what number I think, I think that better than 50 percent of marriages are happy marriages. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>The average person tells me 30 percent. They are <em>astounded <\/em>when I tell them the actual average is 80 percent\u2014that 80 percent of marriages are happy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt makes so much difference for people to <em>know<\/em> that the <em>norm<\/em> in marriage is people are <em>enjoying<\/em> being married and that if you don\u2019t\u2014if you\u2019ve got an unhappy situation right now, one of the other studies we looked at\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt said, \u201cIf you will stay married\u2014if you will stick it out for five years\u2014the 80 percent of those people who are the most unhappy in the marriage\u2014just by sticking it out for five years\u2014became the most happy level of marriage.\u201d That is this huge encouragement to say: \u201cOkay, I\u2019m not there right now; and I want to be. Most people can get there. So, I will too.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. So, I\u2019ve got another tough question for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes, sir. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright; if 80 percent are happy, why are there 10 million people cohabiting?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Oh, I\u2019ll tell you exactly, right now. I mean, when I\u2019ve interviewed the people who are cohabiting, they are cohabiting because they think they\u2019re not going to be happy in marriage. So, why bother getting married?\u00a0 They assume that most marriages are \u201ceh\u201d kind of miserable\u2014the fire goes out after a few years. So, \u201cWhy on earth would I want some of that?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, telling them\u2014I\u2019ve <em>seen<\/em> this reaction from some of these cohabiting people, when I tell them: \u201cYou know, that\u2019s actually a myth. Most people are enjoying being married\u2014not everybody\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbut most.\u201d\u00a0 I can actually tell\u2014it doesn\u2019t necessarily change their decision right then, but it starts the cogs turning. They start seeing happiness around them instead of seeing unhappy people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I mean, here is what it sounds like a cohabiting person is saying: \u201cIf we have everything marriage has to offer, without commitment, we\u2019re going to be happier than if we have everything marriage has to offer, plus commitment. Commitment is a saboteur to a marriage relationship.\u201d\u00a0 That just doesn\u2019t make logical sense to me\u2014that, if I know you are committed to me, all of a sudden, my happiness is going to go down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>That is the reason why this myth is so dangerous\u2014because it\u2019s not true\u2014because, once you commit, you become happier. All the statistics have found it. You commit to this person for better, for worse, richer, for poorer, sickness, and health. It <em>changes <\/em>the dynamic. You become safe. You can risk it all. You can be yourself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe people who are living together\u2014because they\u2019re so worried about that\u2014usually, those are the relationships that have more of those unhappiness issues. Once they commit, it\u2019s suddenly like, \u201cWhy did I wait so long?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is <em>amazing<\/em> how marriage is designed. I think we need to get that message out because one of the biggest problems that you guys fight, every day, here at FamilyLife, is the problems that come from fatherlessness, the problems that come from a lack of family formation, the problems that come\u2014not because marriages form and break up always\u2014but because they never formed to begin with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly where I was going. I was going to say there is another benefit to this we\u2019re not talking about. It\u2019s just not about happy marriages. This is about, ultimately, getting your children a picture of what a real relationship looks like and a real commitment that can go the distance and last for a lifetime\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that they can feel secure and safe inside of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s where morals are learned. It\u2019s where spiritual life can be caught and taught. These are not minor issues. This is the bedrock of what a Christian marriage and family are all about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>And the cool thing is it is not as big of a risk as people think. The <em>true<\/em> picture of society is that most marriages\u2014when you make that commitment\u2014most marriages are strong and happy for a lifetime. They\u2019re not necessarily perfect. That doesn\u2019t mean that you don\u2019t have problems, but most marriages are strong. They last for a lifetime, and they are happy. Okay, so, knowing that, \u201cJump in.\u201d\u00a0 Knowing that, be willing to say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 If they can do it, I can do it too.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay, I\u2019ve got a different question for you: \u201cIs it true that people in the church are divorcing at the same rate as people outside the church?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, that\u2019s one of the biggest myths that has been perpetuated on the Christian community. It drives me absolutely bananas. When\u2014I mean, believe me, I\u2019ve said all these wrong statistics from stage too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, I mean, do we need to call George Barna right now and just confront him and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, no, no!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014just ask, \u201cWhat in the world he\u2019s doing?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, see, here is the problem. I\u2019ve actually talked to George about this. [Laughter]\u00a0 I\u2019ve actually talked to George about this because it is one of the biggest misunderstandings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I looked at the actual study\u2014the Barna Group was never studying people in the church. What they were doing\u2014Barna is very, very good. They\u2019ve developed this skill set at calling people on the phone and asking the \u201cAre you a Christian?\u201d type questions. The people who answered that they had a Christian belief system\u2014which is the majority of people in the United States\u2014those people had the same divorce rate as people who said: \u201cNo, I\u2019m not a Christian. I\u2019m a Muslim,\u201d or, \u201c\u2026I\u2019m a Buddhist,\u201d or, \u201c\u2026I\u2019m an atheist.\u201d\u00a0 Those two divorce rates were the same. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarna did not include whether they went to church in the analysis. That was not part of the analysis\u2014you know\u2014partly because of the concept that going church doesn\u2019t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe kept that out of the analysis; but it\u2019s been misunderstood. People think he did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I did is\u2014I partnered with Barna. I bought their data, and we reran the numbers, with one factor added\u2014\u201cWas the person in church last week?\u201d\u00a0 If the person was in church last week, their divorce rate dropped by 27 percent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tImagine the difference for somebody who\u2019s wondering about marriage\u2014maybe they are in a difficult marriage, maybe they are single, maybe they are living together\u2014and they are sitting in a church. They are looking around, right now, today\u2014they look around that church. They think: \u201cHalf of everybody in here has been divorced. It doesn\u2019t make any difference.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tImagine the difference to the way that we think about marriage\u2014if they look around the church and they think: \u201cWow!\u00a0 Most of these people have happy marriages. Most of these people\u2014their marriages are lasting for a lifetime. If they can do it, I can do it too. It makes a difference to be here.\u201d Imagine the difference in how we think and talk about marriage if we start promoting the idea of the encouraging hope about marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, it really will change how marriages play out\u2014the fact that we can still believe in marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And Shaunti, I love what you\u2019re doing here, not only in this book, but all your research. You\u2019re really lifting us out of, probably, some erroneous comparisons and faulty assumptions. You\u2019re saying, with us: \u201cYour marriage matters.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want our listening audience to hear me: \u201cThe nation\u2019s marriages matter.\u201d\u00a0 We want to strengthen all of the marriages in our nation, regardless of what they believe. We want to strengthen them and point them to the Scriptures and the God who designed marriage. That\u2019s why we would really challenge our listeners: \u201cCome join us. Let\u2019s celebrate the first institution God created.\u201d\u00a0 And it\u2014by the way\u2014is the last institution we will celebrate in heaven\u2014the marriage feast between the bridegroom, Jesus, and the church, who is His bride.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I am really looking forward to being with thousands of couples at the Allstate Arena on Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. Shaunti, you\u2019re going to be there. Dennis, you and Barbara are going to be there. Ron Deal is going to be joining us. Crawford and Karen Loritts, David Nasser\u2014Dr. Al Mohler is going to be joining us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the whole purpose for this day at the Allstate Arena is to help all of us strengthen our marriage relationships\u2014to build the kind of marriages that go the distance. And we\u2019re just a few weeks away now from the Chicago event\u2014Portland on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup> at the Moda Center and then, Saturday, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC\u2014a one-day event designed to strengthen marriage called <em>I Still Do<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can get more information\u2014get tickets online\u2014go to IStillDo.com for all of the information about these events and plan to join us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you\u2019d like information about the books that Shaunti Feldhahn has written about marriage\u2014<em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages <\/em>or<em> The Good News About Marriage<\/em>\u2014go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\u00a0 All the information about the books is available online. You can order online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I was thinking back to the message that you and Barbara gave at an <em>I Still Do<\/em> event a number of years ago, where you talked about some of the challenges you faced in the early years of your marriage, and about the things you had to learn, and about the commitments you had to lean into and you had to stand firm on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just remember it was a powerful message and one that I think encouraged a lot of folks who heard it when they attended the <em>I Still Do<\/em> event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are making a copy of that message available, this month, to those folks who can stand with us and help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019re listener- supported. Your financial support is what makes this program possible. We\u2019re grateful for your partnership with us. We\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d when you make a donation this month. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click in the upper right-hand corner where it says, \u201cI CARE.\u201d\u00a0 You can make an online donation, and we\u2019ll send a copy of the CD called <em>I Still Do<\/em> to you. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY, make a donation, and request the <em>I Still Do<\/em> CD. Or you can write a check and mail it to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Our mailing address is P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. And our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd be sure to ask for the <em>I Still Do<\/em> CD when you mail your check to us, and we\u2019ll get it out to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about the issue of lust. It\u2019s an issue that men\u2014and women, for that matter\u2014are having to do battle with more regularly\u2014maybe than ever before. We\u2019ll talk tomorrow with Heath Lambert and Jim Vander Spek. Hope you can join us for that conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.63M"],"filesize_raw":["24782251"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303115.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303115.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Feldhahn assures couples that happiness is within their reach, especially when they enter the marriage covenant wholeheartedly, resigned to stay committed no matter what.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-09.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are you optimistic about where your marriage is headed or pessimistic?\u00a0 Author, Shaunti Feldhahn, says, \u201cYour attitude can make a big difference.\u201d\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>One of the things I think that is a <em>huge<\/em> issue for us in our culture is we have this idea that \u201cBecause I\u2019m not going to be happy in my marriage\u2014because most marriages are just kind of \u2018eh\u2019\u201d\u2014what ends up happening is you hold yourself back a little bit. When things start to go wrong, you start thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not going to make it.\u201d\u00a0 You start feeling really discouraged, and you start feeling this sense of futility, and \u201cWhy would I stick this out for an unhappy marriage for the next 40 years?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, July 9<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of people in your neighborhood and your community who are happily married. We\u2019re going to talk about those happily married couples today. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know\u2014one of the reasons that we\u2019re excited that we\u2019re going to be gathering with a lot of our friends in Chicago on August 2<sup>nd<\/sup> at the Allstate Arena for our <em>I Still Do<\/em><em><sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/em> marriage celebration\u2014and at the Moda Center in Portland on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup> and at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC, on October 4<sup>th<\/sup>\u2014is because it gives us and all of those friends an opportunity to say to their neighbors and everybody else in their city: \u201cWe think marriage is important. We think our marriage is important, and we plan for this marriage to go the distance.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cAnd we stand for marriage as God designed.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m going to tell you something\u2014if you haven\u2019t been a part of an arena that has 12\/15\/18,000 people\u2014there is something electric, Bob, of that many people coming and celebrating marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, at the end of the event, we have a very, very special conclusion\u2014actually, kind of a two-fold conclusion\u2014that is just a triple exclamation point to the day\u2014 that I don\u2019t think any of our listeners\u2014if they knew what was about to happen in these communities\u2014they\u2019d find a way to get there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and the reason I started off talking about that is because, in addition to you and Barbara being there to speak; and Crawford and Karen Loritts being there to speak; and Dr. Al Mohler coming out to speak; and Andrew Peterson doing a concert at midday\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right, we\u2019ve got drama. We\u2019ve got comedians. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in addition to all of that\u2014our guest this week is going to be joining us to talk about: \u201cWhat is the difference between marriages that are working and marriages that aren\u2019t working?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, and Shaunti Feldhahn is going to join us on stage at these events. You excited about it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Oh, I\u2019m thrilled. I\u2019m <em>honored <\/em>to be asked. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And she has just released a book called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>, which is really the result of a lot of research you\u2019ve done over the past three to four years on what really comprises marriages that are content, satisfied, hopeful marriages that are going the distance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you talk about in your book is this theme of commitment, which is what <em>I Still Do<\/em> is all about. It\u2019s about two people who say: \u201cYou know what? We still do. We are\u2014we\u2019re going to stay committed for a lifetime.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u201c\u2026and we\u2019re going to affirm that.\u201d\u00a0 Yes, one of the things\u2014I identified 12 of these little things that really seemed to make a huge difference. This is one that really took many marriages from being unhappy to being very happy\u2014very\u2014this sense of \u201cThis is the marriage\u2014that God designed it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIt is as it is supposed to be,\u201d which is the kind of marriage we all want; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that was a very clear success factor is this\u2014as one person put it: \u201cWe decided we are going to lock ourselves in the marriage and throw away the key.\u201d There is such\u2014I think, in our culture\u2014this feeling that: \u201cThere are so many marriage problems, we have to protect ourselves a little bit,\u201d and, \u201cI have to protect myself a little bit,\u201d and, \u201cI kind of have to hold myself back a little bit, emotionally.\u201d\u00a0 That is actually a death factor\u2014that\u2019s not a success factor. That will kill you and your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was talking to one couple that had gone from being very unhappy and very much on the verge of divorce to being one of these highly happy couples I was studying. He said his wife had always been advised by her mom: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to have a little bank account on the side. You\u2019ve got to have a little bit just in case he flakes out on you. It\u2019s just\u2014it\u2019s only logical.\u201d\u00a0 I asked him\u2014I said, \u201cWhat was the impact of that?\u201d\u00a0 He said one word\u2014\u201cDeath.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEverything changed when they said\u2014and they kind of woke up and went: \u201cWhoa!\u00a0 Wait a minute!\u00a0 We\u2019re actually building a wall. We\u2019re actually saying, \u2018I don\u2019t trust you,\u2019 and it\u2019s creating, in our marriage, the problem you think you are trying to protect yourself from.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s creating that poison. It\u2019s creating the sense that \u201cWe can\u2019t really be all-in.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese couples\u2014that was one of the things that made them so happy\u2014is that they decided to risk their happiness\u2014they decided to risk everything, emotionally, and be all-in\u2014be fully-committed \/ never say the \u201cd-word\u201d ever again. That kind of thing changes everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I had to smile, Shaunti, as you were talking about that. You\u2014kind of as you rolled into that, you said, \u201cThere are 12 little things that help a marriage be happy and go the distance.\u201d\u00a0 I thought, \u201cThis little thing\u201d\u2014it\u2019s called a ring here that I\u2019m wearing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>That\u2019s wonderful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cThis little thing\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cis one of the most frequently lost objects in baggage that is checked on the airlines that they find in these suitcases of lost bags\u201d\u2014wedding rings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>People who take off their ring before they fly and put it in their luggage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, they are going on a business trip, and they are taking off this little thing before they go on the business trip. This little thing\u2014this little reminder, right here, is really what creates the safety\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014the walls that create the growth between two imperfect human beings who are going to hurt each other a thousand times in a thousand ways. If you can multiply, that\u2019s a million; okay?\u2014because there are all kinds of ways, unfortunately, that I have hurt Barbara in our 41 years of marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>But\u2014and this is what a lot of people need to hear\u2014<em>but<\/em> I bet there have been <em>millions<\/em> of ways you\u2019ve blessed each other too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>There are <em>millions<\/em> of ways that you guys have built a wonderful relationship. There are so many things that we can <em>celebrate<\/em> about our marriages and say, \u201cIt\u2019s okay to aim for that.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what we want to say here, with this <em>I Still Do<\/em> thing. If I understanding the theme of it, it\u2019s celebrating this commitment and saying: \u201cI still do because this is <em>wonderful<\/em>. I\u2019m aiming for this great relationship with you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, when we stand up at the altar, we say, \u201cI\u2019m committed, no matter what\u2014sickness, health, rich, poor, better, worse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, we\u2019re saying, \u201cWe\u2019re all-in.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cwe are all-in on this deal.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, to say, \u201cI still do,\u201d is to say, \u201cI\u2019m reaffirming.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cI\u2019m still in.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When we say to one another, \u201cLook, no matter how hard this gets, I\u2019m not going anywhere,\u201d there is a safety. There is a comfort there. There is something that causes us to be able to go: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cReally? You would really go through hardship with me?\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a profound kind of love that is a transcendent kind of love; isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It is absolutely what makes it. But you know the other thing that I think people need to know is\u2014it\u2019s not all\u2014I love the way one philosopher put it\u2014it\u2019s not all big issues and heart surgery. It\u2019s\u2014there is beauty, and wonder, and delight in the way that God designed marriage to work. It is okay to long for that and say: \u201cI\u2019m having trouble now, but I believe I can get to a happy marriage. I believe that I can get to this place. Yes, it doesn\u2019t give me an excuse to leave if I\u2019m not there\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbut absolutely, we\u2019re going to keep working for that because we\u2019re in this for the rest of our lives.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI love the way some of these happy couples that I interviewed put it. They are like: \u201cIf you lock yourself in the marriage, and you throw away the key, and you\u2019re going to stick with your promises, no matter what, you better figure out how do it\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbecause you want to have a good marriage for the rest of your life\u2014not a bad one.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When I\u2019m talking to young couples, who are thinking about marriage\u2014or even when I\u2019m talking to married couples\u2014I\u2019ll often say: \u201cLook, marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work.\u201d\u00a0 Mary Ann will nudge me. She\u2019ll go: \u201cTell them it\u2019s nice too. I mean\u2014tell people\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Thank you, Mary Ann. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She\u2019ll go\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cremind them it\u2019s fun, and it\u2019s a joy.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, it is a joy. You keep throwing this word around\u2014secrets of a happy marriage. Unpack the word, happy, because there are some who kind of recoil against that\u2014and maybe even others, who would go, \u201cI\u2019m not even sure that\u2019s even possible.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes, it has become a bit of a twitchy factor, I think, especially in the Christian community because\u2014you know, Gary Thomas\u2019s book, <em>Sacred Marriage<\/em>. The subtitle is so profound: <em>What If God Designed Marriage to Make You Holy More Than to Make You Happy?<\/em>\u00a0 It gets you thinking\u2014and like, \u201cMaybe we\u2019ve romanticized marriage and you need to stick in with it, even if you\u2019re not happy.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd yes, absolutely, all that\u2019s true. But when I talk to average people, who have heard that, their shoulders start to slump. They look really depressed. I say, \u201cWhat is this about this\u2014what\u2019s wrong?\u201d\u00a0 They are like, \u201cWell, you\u2019re making me choose between holiness and happiness.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was talking to a counselor. He said he sees people come in, every single day, with the feeling\u2014in their marriage counseling\u2014they\u2019ve got two choices\u2014to get divorced and be happy or stick it out and be miserable. He\u2019s like, \u201cDoor number three\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cHow about stick it out and learn how to be happy?\u201d\u00a0 There is\u2014I don\u2019t think there is anything wrong, at all, with saying \u201cThe way God designed marriage was for this abundant, wonderful, fulfilling companionship that is delightful.\u201d\u00a0 It is supposed to mirror the relationship between Christ and His church; right?\u00a0 So, that\u2019s supposed to be a wonderful thing. It doesn\u2019t always work out that way. If it doesn\u2019t\u2014if you\u2019re not happy, it\u2019s not an excuse to leave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think we\u2019ve had this knee-jerk reaction in the Christian community that says, \u201cWe shouldn\u2019t talk about a <em>happy<\/em> marriage.\u201d\u00a0 I think people are <em>longing<\/em> for one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I would say\u2014not to counter what you said\u2014but just to kind of round it off a little bit\u2014I think you can be happy and holy because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014if you\u2019re holy, you\u2019re operating the way God designed you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There\u2019s going to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to operate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There is going to be joy in holiness. I think we do want to differentiate between what may be momentary, circumstantially-driven happiness\u2014you know that \u201cHey, we\u2019re having a good day because the sun is out, and because the bills are paid, and because you cooked my favorite food for dinner.\u201d\u00a0 But there are also days when the kids are sick, and the bills are piled up, and it\u2019s not a happy day; but we still have joy in our relationship with one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I think if Gary Thomas was here\u2014I think what he would say\u2014he\u2019d say: \u201cYou know, there\u2019s a lot about happiness that is me-focused. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat I think God was up to when He called them to be husband and wife\u2014to go the distance and to love each other for a lifetime\u2014was to be reflecting God\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201creflecting His love, His forgiveness, His relationship\u2014Christ and the church\u2014to a lost world.\u201d\u00a0 So, it\u2019s really not, as you said, either\/or.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It\u2019s both\/and. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It really is\u2014I think it is possible to have both\/and. It\u2019s a part of what you write about in a book you\u2019ve also recently released called <em>The Good News About Marriage<\/em> because you kind of unpacked what\u2019s taking place in marriages today, really, as an outflow of this covenant \/ this promise that we make to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>I think one of the biggest problems today\u2014we actually put this on the cover of the book\u2014\u201cThe greatest threat to marriage isn\u2019t divorce. It\u2019s discouragement,\u201d because we have this idea\u2014when I go around\u2014because, you know, I\u2019m sort of\u2014I\u2019m a research nerd. I will go up to random people in a coffee shop and ask them questions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I go up to a random person in a coffee shop and ask them, \u201cWhat percentage of marriages do you think are happy?\u201d\u2014now, I\u2019m not asking them if they have a happy marriage. I\u2019m saying\u2014\u201cJust in general, what percentage of marriages do you think are happy?\u201d\u00a0 You know the average number that I hear?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, be honest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Don\u2019t try play to her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Now, you\u2019ve read the book. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No, I\u2019m thinking the average person says, \u201c20 percent.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was going to say, \u201c25-30.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, if you\u2019re asking me what number I think, I think that better than 50 percent of marriages are happy marriages. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>The average person tells me 30 percent. They are <em>astounded <\/em>when I tell them the actual average is 80 percent\u2014that 80 percent of marriages are happy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt makes so much difference for people to <em>know<\/em> that the <em>norm<\/em> in marriage is people are <em>enjoying<\/em> being married and that if you don\u2019t\u2014if you\u2019ve got an unhappy situation right now, one of the other studies we looked at\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt said, \u201cIf you will stay married\u2014if you will stick it out for five years\u2014the 80 percent of those people who are the most unhappy in the marriage\u2014just by sticking it out for five years\u2014became the most happy level of marriage.\u201d That is this huge encouragement to say: \u201cOkay, I\u2019m not there right now; and I want to be. Most people can get there. So, I will too.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. So, I\u2019ve got another tough question for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes, sir. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright; if 80 percent are happy, why are there 10 million people cohabiting?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Oh, I\u2019ll tell you exactly, right now. I mean, when I\u2019ve interviewed the people who are cohabiting, they are cohabiting because they think they\u2019re not going to be happy in marriage. So, why bother getting married?\u00a0 They assume that most marriages are \u201ceh\u201d kind of miserable\u2014the fire goes out after a few years. So, \u201cWhy on earth would I want some of that?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, telling them\u2014I\u2019ve <em>seen<\/em> this reaction from some of these cohabiting people, when I tell them: \u201cYou know, that\u2019s actually a myth. Most people are enjoying being married\u2014not everybody\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbut most.\u201d\u00a0 I can actually tell\u2014it doesn\u2019t necessarily change their decision right then, but it starts the cogs turning. They start seeing happiness around them instead of seeing unhappy people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I mean, here is what it sounds like a cohabiting person is saying: \u201cIf we have everything marriage has to offer, without commitment, we\u2019re going to be happier than if we have everything marriage has to offer, plus commitment. Commitment is a saboteur to a marriage relationship.\u201d\u00a0 That just doesn\u2019t make logical sense to me\u2014that, if I know you are committed to me, all of a sudden, my happiness is going to go down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>That is the reason why this myth is so dangerous\u2014because it\u2019s not true\u2014because, once you commit, you become happier. All the statistics have found it. You commit to this person for better, for worse, richer, for poorer, sickness, and health. It <em>changes <\/em>the dynamic. You become safe. You can risk it all. You can be yourself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe people who are living together\u2014because they\u2019re so worried about that\u2014usually, those are the relationships that have more of those unhappiness issues. Once they commit, it\u2019s suddenly like, \u201cWhy did I wait so long?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is <em>amazing<\/em> how marriage is designed. I think we need to get that message out because one of the biggest problems that you guys fight, every day, here at FamilyLife, is the problems that come from fatherlessness, the problems that come from a lack of family formation, the problems that come\u2014not because marriages form and break up always\u2014but because they never formed to begin with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly where I was going. I was going to say there is another benefit to this we\u2019re not talking about. It\u2019s just not about happy marriages. This is about, ultimately, getting your children a picture of what a real relationship looks like and a real commitment that can go the distance and last for a lifetime\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that they can feel secure and safe inside of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s where morals are learned. It\u2019s where spiritual life can be caught and taught. These are not minor issues. This is the bedrock of what a Christian marriage and family are all about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>And the cool thing is it is not as big of a risk as people think. The <em>true<\/em> picture of society is that most marriages\u2014when you make that commitment\u2014most marriages are strong and happy for a lifetime. They\u2019re not necessarily perfect. That doesn\u2019t mean that you don\u2019t have problems, but most marriages are strong. They last for a lifetime, and they are happy. Okay, so, knowing that, \u201cJump in.\u201d\u00a0 Knowing that, be willing to say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 If they can do it, I can do it too.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay, I\u2019ve got a different question for you: \u201cIs it true that people in the church are divorcing at the same rate as people outside the church?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, that\u2019s one of the biggest myths that has been perpetuated on the Christian community. It drives me absolutely bananas. When\u2014I mean, believe me, I\u2019ve said all these wrong statistics from stage too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, I mean, do we need to call George Barna right now and just confront him and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, no, no!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014just ask, \u201cWhat in the world he\u2019s doing?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, see, here is the problem. I\u2019ve actually talked to George about this. [Laughter]\u00a0 I\u2019ve actually talked to George about this because it is one of the biggest misunderstandings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I looked at the actual study\u2014the Barna Group was never studying people in the church. What they were doing\u2014Barna is very, very good. They\u2019ve developed this skill set at calling people on the phone and asking the \u201cAre you a Christian?\u201d type questions. The people who answered that they had a Christian belief system\u2014which is the majority of people in the United States\u2014those people had the same divorce rate as people who said: \u201cNo, I\u2019m not a Christian. I\u2019m a Muslim,\u201d or, \u201c\u2026I\u2019m a Buddhist,\u201d or, \u201c\u2026I\u2019m an atheist.\u201d\u00a0 Those two divorce rates were the same. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarna did not include whether they went to church in the analysis. That was not part of the analysis\u2014you know\u2014partly because of the concept that going church doesn\u2019t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe kept that out of the analysis; but it\u2019s been misunderstood. People think he did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I did is\u2014I partnered with Barna. I bought their data, and we reran the numbers, with one factor added\u2014\u201cWas the person in church last week?\u201d\u00a0 If the person was in church last week, their divorce rate dropped by 27 percent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tImagine the difference for somebody who\u2019s wondering about marriage\u2014maybe they are in a difficult marriage, maybe they are single, maybe they are living together\u2014and they are sitting in a church. They are looking around, right now, today\u2014they look around that church. They think: \u201cHalf of everybody in here has been divorced. It doesn\u2019t make any difference.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tImagine the difference to the way that we think about marriage\u2014if they look around the church and they think: \u201cWow!\u00a0 Most of these people have happy marriages. Most of these people\u2014their marriages are lasting for a lifetime. If they can do it, I can do it too. It makes a difference to be here.\u201d Imagine the difference in how we think and talk about marriage if we start promoting the idea of the encouraging hope about marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, it really will change how marriages play out\u2014the fact that we can still believe in marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And Shaunti, I love what you\u2019re doing here, not only in this book, but all your research. You\u2019re really lifting us out of, probably, some erroneous comparisons and faulty assumptions. You\u2019re saying, with us: \u201cYour marriage matters.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want our listening audience to hear me: \u201cThe nation\u2019s marriages matter.\u201d\u00a0 We want to strengthen all of the marriages in our nation, regardless of what they believe. We want to strengthen them and point them to the Scriptures and the God who designed marriage. That\u2019s why we would really challenge our listeners: \u201cCome join us. Let\u2019s celebrate the first institution God created.\u201d\u00a0 And it\u2014by the way\u2014is the last institution we will celebrate in heaven\u2014the marriage feast between the bridegroom, Jesus, and the church, who is His bride.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I am really looking forward to being with thousands of couples at the Allstate Arena on Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. Shaunti, you\u2019re going to be there. Dennis, you and Barbara are going to be there. Ron Deal is going to be joining us. Crawford and Karen Loritts, David Nasser\u2014Dr. Al Mohler is going to be joining us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the whole purpose for this day at the Allstate Arena is to help all of us strengthen our marriage relationships\u2014to build the kind of marriages that go the distance. And we\u2019re just a few weeks away now from the Chicago event\u2014Portland on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup> at the Moda Center and then, Saturday, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC\u2014a one-day event designed to strengthen marriage called <em>I Still Do<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can get more information\u2014get tickets online\u2014go to IStillDo.com for all of the information about these events and plan to join us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you\u2019d like information about the books that Shaunti Feldhahn has written about marriage\u2014<em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages <\/em>or<em> The Good News About Marriage<\/em>\u2014go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\u00a0 All the information about the books is available online. You can order online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I was thinking back to the message that you and Barbara gave at an <em>I Still Do<\/em> event a number of years ago, where you talked about some of the challenges you faced in the early years of your marriage, and about the things you had to learn, and about the commitments you had to lean into and you had to stand firm on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just remember it was a powerful message and one that I think encouraged a lot of folks who heard it when they attended the <em>I Still Do<\/em> event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are making a copy of that message available, this month, to those folks who can stand with us and help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019re listener- supported. Your financial support is what makes this program possible. We\u2019re grateful for your partnership with us. We\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d when you make a donation this month. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click in the upper right-hand corner where it says, \u201cI CARE.\u201d\u00a0 You can make an online donation, and we\u2019ll send a copy of the CD called <em>I Still Do<\/em> to you. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY, make a donation, and request the <em>I Still Do<\/em> CD. Or you can write a check and mail it to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Our mailing address is P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. And our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd be sure to ask for the <em>I Still Do<\/em> CD when you mail your check to us, and we\u2019ll get it out to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about the issue of lust. It\u2019s an issue that men\u2014and women, for that matter\u2014are having to do battle with more regularly\u2014maybe than ever before. We\u2019ll talk tomorrow with Heath Lambert and Jim Vander Spek. Hope you can join us for that conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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