{"id":303113,"date":"2014-07-08T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-07-08T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/a-womans-fantastic-five\/"},"modified":"2014-07-08T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-07-08T15:00:00","slug":"a-womans-fantastic-five","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-womans-fantastic-five\/","title":{"rendered":"A Woman&#8217;s Fantastic Five"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It&#8217;s not always the big things that make a marriage. Little things mean a lot. Shaunti Feldhahn, reveals the five things that women say their husbands do that make them the happiest.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-08.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.81M","filesize_raw":"23917976","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2862],"tags":[4086,5372,5374,5371,5373],"podcast_series":[8021],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303113","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-differences","tag-commitment","tag-contentment-in-marriage","tag-happiness","tag-happy-couples","tag-unhappy-in-marriage","podcast_series-surprising-secrets-of-highly-happy-marriage","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303113\/a-womans-fantastic-five","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303113\/a-womans-fantastic-five","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"uCfr5YcfpY\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-womans-fantastic-five\/\">A Woman&#8217;s Fantastic Five<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-womans-fantastic-five\/embed\/#?secret=uCfr5YcfpY\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;A Woman&#8217;s Fantastic Five&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"uCfr5YcfpY\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-08.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-08.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you measure your spouse\u2019s performance in marriage? Author Shaunti Feldhahn says maybe you should.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We talk about, \u201cDon\u2019t keep score.\u201d It turns out\u2014the happy couples do\u2014they just do it differently. They keep track of what the other person is <em>giving<\/em>. When they\u2019ve\u2014for example, a husband recognizes, you know: \u201cOh my gosh! My wife has been at home with these sick kids all week! What can I do to give back?\u201d Then she receives that and says: \u201cOh, man. That was so sweet of him! What can I do for him?\u201d It\u2019s this constant positive cycle that <em>truly<\/em> changes the tone of the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, July 8<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Couples who are doing well in marriage keep track of the good things their spouses are doing. There are some other things they do. We\u2019ll talk about those today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, I\u2019m just curious\u2014if your wife went out to do research on the secrets of highly happy marriages, would you wonder if there was something personal going on she was trying to\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was hoping she\u2019d find out something I did right. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTell us, Shaunti Feldhahn, how your husband Jeff felt about that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She is blushing!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> She\u2019s laughing. There must be a good story around this. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No! Dennis, I\u2019m remembering about eight years ago. I was in your studio, talking about studying men and what men need. You said, \u201cDo you do this at home?\u201d I said, \u201cI think so.\u201d You called Jeff, live, in the studio and said, \u201cDoes she do this?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We like accountability here! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019m remembering! I have a twitch! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There\u2019s nothing like an eye witness to confirm something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I have a twitch about that. That\u2019s what you\u2019re seeing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, Shaunti\u2019s just written a book called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>. One of the things you talk about in your book is that you talk about a \u201cfantastic five\u201d for him. We talked about these a bit earlier. Just give our listeners a high fly-by on those and then talk about the \u201cfantastic five\u201d for her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait\u2014fantastic five <em>what<\/em>? What is it that you\u2019re outlining here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, basically, I was studying what it is that makes the happiest marriages happy. What do they do differently? One of the things that I found was that I noticed all of the wives tended to do these same five things every day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talk about love languages; right? You know\u2014this individual thing that matters to <em>your <\/em>spouse. Well, I was noticing that these people were doing the <em>same <\/em>five things. The same thing with the husbands\u2014they tended to do these same five things for their wives. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOkay!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt makes sense because they are the things that speak to the other gender. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we\u2019ve already talked about was \u201cWhat was it that touched his heart?\u201d We don\u2019t have time, probably, to go into all five of them; but one of the big ones is hearing his wife say, \u201cThank you.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cReally?!\u201d But, you know, \u201cThank you for taking out the trash, Honey,\u201d or, \u201cThank you for changing the light bulbs. It\u2019s been driving me <em>nuts<\/em> that that light bulb was out. I noticed you did that. Thank you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose little day-to-day notices are saying, \u201cYou measure up, as a husband.\u201d It\u2019s saying, \u201cI care about you.\u201d You may, as a wife, not think it\u2019s a big deal; but, trust me, this is a <em>huge <\/em>deal for men\u2014not necessarily for you, as a woman always, but for men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You say for a wife to say, \u201cYou did a good job at this,\u201d\u2014that affirms him\u2014to say that in front of somebody else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> In front of somebody else!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> To brag on your husband to somebody else. These are the patterns that good marriages have cultivated; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Good marriages have cultivated and, sometimes, without even knowing they were a big deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Like the women who tended to do it had <em>no <\/em>idea that that was one of the reasons her husband was so happy and, in turn, was a loving husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what it is it that the loving husbands were doing? What were some of the little things? Interestingly, one of the things that was very common was that these men would frequently take their wife\u2019s hand\u2014you know, when they were walking across the parking lot\u2014just reach out and take her hand. Or they\u2019re sitting together at church\u2014and he reaches around and puts his arm around her at church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s funny. I do this sometimes in churches\u2014you know, I do a pastoral interview format, where I\u2019m talking about this. I share this from the stage. I see all of the men\u2014their eyes go wide and they <em>reach<\/em>\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They reach over!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014around and put their arm around their wife. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Too late! It\u2019s too late, at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s actually not! That\u2019s the fun part!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s not worth a full point, though, Shaunti. [Laughter] It may be worth \u00be of a point or a \u00bd, but you don\u2019t get a full point when someone tells you to do it in <em>front <\/em>of your wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You don\u2019t get a full brownie point. Well, here\u2019s the fun part about that\u2014I usually say to the women in the congregation because the men\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014you know, we kind of joke and I say, \u201cI see all of the men putting their arm around\u2026\u201d\u2014everybody kind of laughs. But then I say: \u201cMen don\u2019t necessarily realize it matters. It makes you feel special. It says, \u2018You\u2019re mine.\u2019 It says something very powerful.\u201d I can see the men, you know\u2014their eyebrows kind of go up\u2014and I say to the women, \u201cDoes it?\u201d The women will go, \u201cYes!\u201d They\u2019ll start nodding and sometimes clapping. The men will look <em>shocked <\/em>because they have no idea that this little\u2014talk about the fantastic five\u2014little things\u2014it\u2019s a little thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I tell couples\u2014and, I think, from the research\u2014it\u2019s not the words\u2014it\u2019s not the actions, really, that matters. It\u2019s what it says\u2014and it says, \u201cI care about you.\u201d If you say that regularly, during the day in these ways, she will feel cared for. That protects your marriage from her thinking in other ways: \u201cHe\u2019s working 80 hours a week. H doesn\u2019t care about me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your research showed that one of the things that these couples are doing that is affirming one another in marriage is just paying attention to small things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, this is a little bit of arms around, and hand on the small of the back, or saying, \u201cYou look beautiful.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Or \u201cThank you,\u201d to the men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. These may seem like small things, but small things matter in a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, one of the biggest encouragements to me, frankly\u2014when I started looking at these, I didn\u2019t know what I was going to find. As I was studying these happily married couples, I didn\u2019t know if some of the stuff I was going to find was big rocket science type stuff, and it wasn\u2019t. It turns out\u2014and every counselor agrees with me on this\u2014in <em>most<\/em> cases, what really torpedoes a relationship\u2014in most cases, not all\u2014isn\u2019t the big-ticket stuff. It\u2019s <em>not<\/em> necessarily that you\u2019re married to an alcoholic or that somebody was sexually-abused, as a child, and they have years of therapy to get through that. Yes, that happens sometimes\u2014<em>absolutely<\/em>, it does\u2014but that\u2019s not the <em>majority<\/em> of problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou usually have a husband and wife who really care about each other\u2014they\u2019re trying really hard. They just don\u2019t know, necessarily\u2014they\u2019re trying in the wrong areas. She\u2019s not saying, \u201cThank you,\u201d\u2014she\u2019s criticizing him. She has <em>no<\/em> idea that that\u2019s painful. Suddenly, her eyes are opened to one, or two, or three little, <em>small <\/em>changes. You start saying, \u201cThank you, Honey, for taking out the trash,\u201d instead of, \u201cWell, I see that it took you an extra half-hour to take out the trash.\u201d You make that little change\u2014that\u2019s not rocket science\u2014but it will change <em>everything<\/em> in your marriage!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You tell about one woman, whom you talked to, and her husband was really working overtime to try to figure out how they could do a getaway to Hawaii. Their marriage was headed in the wrong direction; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, I mean, she literally\u2014this is interesting about what we were just talking about. She was crying on my living room floor because their marriage was falling apart. She was <em>sobbing<\/em> and saying: \u201cYou know, he worked for a year to get the extra money to take us on this <em>amazing<\/em> vacation to Hawaii. All I wanted was for him to put his arm around me in church.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe was trying <em>so <\/em>hard and had no idea he was withholding this affection and this caring and creating this safe place for his wife. That\u2019s just <em>one<\/em> example\u2014these little things we\u2019re talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And if a guy is listening right now and missed all five of the fantastic five for her, they can go online to FamilyLifeToday.com and get the fantastic five for your wife or wives can pick up the fantastic five for their husbands.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you found in your research had to do with how husbands and wives resolved conflict. I\u2019m just wondering\u2014do you and Jeff ever retire in the evening at odds with each other? Has that ever occurred?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Never! Never, ever! [Laughter] And I\u2019m sure nobody listening has every experienced that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was listening to some guy recently and he said, \u201cYou know, we take this command not to let the sun go down on your anger\u2014we take that seriously. We\u2019ve been up for 12 days now!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, and the anger increases after that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> After the third day; right! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Exactly. You did find, though, that couples who are happy\u2014couples who are satisfied and content\u2014have learned the art of resolving conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And it\u2019s different than a lot of the marriage advice that\u2019s given. It\u2019s interesting\u2014there is a tweak. I\u2019m kind of a freak for research; right? I wanted to find out what these happy couples were <em>doing<\/em>\u2014actually doing as opposed to what they were saying to do. So, when they would advise me and they would say, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s really important to not go to bed mad.\u201d I would say: \u201cAbsolutely! And do you ever go to bed mad?\u201d Well, it\u2019s a really important principle. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I started talking\u2014what they had learned, in practice, was that sometimes\u2014this is the way they put it: \u201cWhen you\u2019ve got two upset, emotional, exhausted people, who are trying to duke something out at 1:00 in the morning, you\u2019re going to say things you didn\u2019t mean. You\u2019re going to hurt each other\u2019s feelings. You\u2019re going to agree to things you wish you hadn\u2019t agreed to.\u201d In practice, they had learned that sometimes you say: \u201cYou know what? Let\u2019s sleep on it. We\u2019re okay. We will work this out. The relationship is solid. Let\u2019s talk about this in the morning.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHalf the time\u2014they told me\u2014when you get up in the morning, they\u2019re like: \u201cWhat was that about? You know, it sometimes can resolve on its own; but if it doesn\u2019t, then you deal with it.\u201d I was a little concerned when I started hearing that that was the pattern because, so often, you hear advice that\u2019s contra-biblical\u2014and it doesn\u2019t matter if it\u2019s what they do if it\u2019s against the Bible; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I went back and took another look at what the Bible actually says about this. I was flabbergasted because that comment that we all quote from Ephesians\u2014the Apostle Paul is actually quoting the Old Testament. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe\u2019s saying, basically, in Ephesians 4 there\u2014he\u2019s saying: \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin. Don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger\u201d; right? He\u2019s quoting Psalm 4:4, which basically says: \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He\u2019s quoting a Scripture that is really contrary, in some ways, to what we think the advice is. So, clearly, \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin,\u201d doesn\u2019t mean: \u201cDon\u2019t go to bed mad.\u201d There seems to be something about this principle of, you know: \u201cDon\u2019t hurt each other\u2019s feelings. If you need to work it out before you go to bed to not sin in your anger, then do that; but if you\u2019re going to sin in your anger, and you\u2019re going to say hurtful things that you wish you hadn\u2019t said, think about it overnight and remain silent. The key is: \u201cHow are you handling your anger?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And make sure you\u2019re not just ignoring the conflict or pretending like it\u2019s not there. I mean, \u201cDon\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger,\u201d I think, is a way of saying, \u201cDon\u2019t just pretend like nothing happened when there\u2019s still hurt and pain there.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know\u2014the Bible talks about reconciliation. Forgiveness is the route to be reconciled with your spouse. You\u2019re speaking at <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> with us later on in the summer. We\u2019re going to be in Chicago the first of August; and later on in Portland the end of August; and then in Washington, DC, in October. These large arena events\u2014Bob, you remember\u2014years ago, when we would do these\u2014we would conclude the event with an opportunity for couples to be reconciled to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was always amazed at how many people had come to that event with pretty big issues that needed to be resolved\u2014where there was conflict going on\u2014where one or both needed to turn to the other and say: \u201cI\u2019m sorry when I\u2026Will you forgive me?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then be silent, and listen, and allow reconciliation to ultimately seep in so the relationship can be restored.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Also, one of the things I found in the research\u2014one of the other 12 little secrets here\u2014was just exactly that. And this is, to me, one of the most favorite for me because I realized that, without realizing it, Jeff and I were already doing this. Part of, I think, the secret to having a really truly happy marriage is to figure out what you\u2019re already doing that\u2019s good so you can do it on <em>purpose<\/em> as opposed to just not realizing it\u2019s important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis issue of reconciliation\u2014to me\u2014I call it reconnection because, when you\u2019re in the middle of a\u2014let\u2019s just say it\u2019s a time of hurt feelings\u2014it\u2019s not a big\u2014it\u2019s not been months of whatever\u2014maybe it\u2019s just been days\u2014whatever it is. One of the things that these happy couples do\u2014because they have hurt feelings too\u2014is that, when they\u2019ve been in that place, they automatically have this signal, at some point, that comes that says, \u201cThe issue may not be resolved yet, but <em>we<\/em> are okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can be the littlest, silliest, simple\u2014it can be your own private language that only makes sense to the two of you. Like, for me and Jeff, the signal that says, \u201cWe\u2019re okay,\u201d\u2014and I know this is going to sound crazy\u2014but like, if Jeff has been grumpy, he\u2019ll come downstairs; he\u2019ll nudge me; and he\u2019ll say, \u201cYou done being grumpy yet?\u201d [Laughter] That\u2019s his way of apologizing and saying, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes\u2014I found with these couples\u2014it was literally just, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d \u201cYes, we\u2019re okay.\u201d Sometimes, it was these little signals. One couple was talking about how they walked past each other\u2014and they\u2019d been at odds and they\u2019ve been upset\u2014and somebody would finally come over and hold out their pinky. [Laughter] If the other person touched the pinky, it meant, \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d or, \u201cI accept your apology,\u201d or, \u201cYes, we\u2019re okay.\u201d It was a signal that the issue\u2019s still out there\u2014maybe you don\u2019t necessarily <em>solve<\/em> everything overnight, but that doesn\u2019t necessarily matter\u2014but the relationship is solid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You need a signal of that. I love that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. More than likely\u2014at <em>I Still Do<\/em>\u2014where you\u2019re going to be\u2014we\u2019re going to spend some time doing some of those kinds of things which really do encourage couples to come together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Explain to our listeners about the \u201ccanoe theory.\u201d What\u2019s the \u201ccanoe theory\u201d that you found as you were working on this?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> One of the other secrets that I loved\u2014because it was very highly correlated with moving from unhappiness to happiness\u2014was, believe it or not, keeping score. We talk about: \u201cDon\u2019t keep score. Don\u2019t keep score.\u201d Well, it turns out that happy couples do\u2014they just do it differently. They keep score\u2014they keep track of what the other person is <em>giving<\/em>. When they\u2019ve\u2014for example, a husband recognizes, you know: \u201cOh my gosh! My wife has been at home with these sick kids all week! They\u2019ve been grumpy, and they\u2019ve been at the doctor\u2019s office, and she\u2019s exhausted.\u201d He automatically says: \u201cOh, my word! She\u2019s been giving <em>so<\/em> much. What can I do to give back?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA husband might say: \u201cOkay,\u201d\u2014you know, Saturday\u2014she\u2019s been with these sick kids all week so\u2014\u201cYou know, Honey, let me have them all weekend. Let me have the stuffy noses and the grumpy kids. You get out with your girlfriends.\u201d He\u2019s not feeling this sense of: \u201cOh, I\u2019m such a wonderful husband! I\u2019m letting her have this time away.\u201d No! He was keeping score of the fact that she was so under it that it comes out of this sense that: \u201cI owe her. I want to give back.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen she receives that and says: \u201cOh, man. That was so sweet of him! What can I do for him?\u201d It\u2019s this constant positive cycle that truly changes the tone of the marriage from: \u201cWhat are you not doing? What am I doing that you\u2019re not doing?\u201d and keeping score of the bad to keeping score of the good. It changes the tone of the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> One of the challenges that occurred early in our marriage was that I found out that both Barbara and I had very high expectations. We were high-expectation people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe expect a lot out of life. We expected a lot out of our kids; and we expected a lot out of each other and our marriage. Expectations, if they\u2019re not properly handled, can become unreal \/ unfair. A lot of disappointment can reign in the relationship. You found that expectations\u2014and managing them\u2014were a key component of happy marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The chapter title is that these happy couples have \u201cFactual Fantasies.\u201d Everybody\u2019s like: \u201cOkay; what?\u201d [Laughter] Basically, what that is\u2014it is so easy to have <em>unrealistic<\/em> expectations\u2014we all know; right? What makes you unhappy is having an expectation of how something should operate and it\u2019s not met. Okay? That makes you unhappy. What these couples were doing was\u2014they were refusing\u2014these happy couples were refusing to kind of <em>long<\/em> for or expect something that was really difficult for their spouse to deliver.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead\u2014to really celebrate the things that they could deliver and that they did do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA classic example that I heard so many times\u2014you know\u2014one of the things that makes wives unhappy is the idea that\u2014in a conflict\u2014when we\u2019re all upset, and we\u2019re at odds with each other, and he\u2019s pulling away\u2014he\u2019s withdrawing and that means, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t care about me!\u201d Because, you know, in the romance novels, the hero never pulls away; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The hero always moves <em>towards<\/em> and gives the big hug. So, this wife is expecting, and wishing, and longing that, in a conflict, he would just move towards her and give her a big hug. Well, when a husband in a real-life situation\u2014a real-life husband is in a conflict\u2014and he sees his wife starting to pull away, he\u2019s going: \u201cWhew\u2014because I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m thinking. I need some processing time. I\u2019m so glad she\u2019s pulling away because this will give us time to process and think it through and come back together again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRealistically, he has no idea that she\u2019s wanting him and <em>longing<\/em> for him to give her a big hug. That\u2019s just not reality! Most husbands need that space and time to think. But it is <em>so<\/em> easy\u2014especially\u2014I think women and men\u2014it is so <em>easy<\/em>\u2014for us to have these\u2014Can I be honest about one\u2014of the one men go into marriage with?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I mean, I can\u2019t tell you how many men who have said, \u201cI kind of expected we\u2019d get frisky every day.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know? \u201cWe\u2019d have that time of intimacy every day. If she really desired me, I wouldn\u2019t have to approach her. She\u2019d approach me.\u201d That\u2019s what happens in the movies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> If he\u2019s enough of a stud, she couldn\u2019t keep her hands off of him. So, \u201cWhat does this <em>mean<\/em> when it doesn\u2019t happen\u2014you know\u2014every day? It sometimes doesn\u2019t happen even every week. This means she <em>doesn\u2019t care<\/em> about me,\u201d\u2014to have this kind of depressing feeling, on his side, as opposed to: \u201cYou know what? God wired men and women differently in this area. Yes, sometimes, absolutely, you can bridge that gap.\u201d Women need to understand how important that is to men too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, you know, women need to be approached differently. Expecting that if you\u2019re enough of a stud, she wouldn\u2019t be tired\u2014that\u2019s an unrealistic expectation. Instead, she needs to know what you\u2019ve got on your menu for the evening. You need to kind of set the stage a little bit and have that anticipation time because that\u2019s the way God wired most\u2014not all\u2014but most women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I tell guys who have that unrealistic expectation\u2014I say, \u201cThose women, whom you\u2019ve see in those movies\u2014first of all, they had to sign a contract that said they would do that.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s depressing!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cSecondly, they had to pay the women a whole lot of money to act that way! Third, they had to write lines of dialog for the women to say in that setting. Then, they had to get a guy in who said, \u2018Action!\u2019 As soon as the guy said, \u2018Cut!\u2019 the woman quit acting that way. It\u2019s fiction! It\u2019s phony!\u201d [Laughter] You know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, wait a second, Bob. It does happen\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014there are some women going: \u201cTime out! Time out!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cNow, wait a minute!\u201d\u2014exactly; exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think what we\u2019re talking about here\u2014and have all day, here on our broadcast\u2014is really how, in marriage, we need to be generous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We need to be really thinking about how we can encourage, how we can bless, how we can forgive, how we can seek forgiveness. We need to love generously.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And if we did that\u2014if we did that day in and day out\u2014if you\u2019re sowing generosity into your marriage, you know what? I think you\u2019re going to get some back, occasionally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. When we were in Hershey, Pennsylvania, earlier this year, speaking at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, I remember talking to the crowd and saying: \u201cWhen it comes to sharing love with your spouse\u2014expressing love to your spouse\u2014are you stingy? Are you thrifty? Are you generous? What if we went beyond being generous? What if we were extravagant in how we lavish love on one another?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt would make a difference! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what you found, Shaunti, as you explored the things that couples are doing that cause them to still like the fact that they\u2019re married\u2014to be in happy, healthy, strong marriage relationships. Shaunti\u2019s written a book called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. <\/em>We\u2019ve got the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center, along with her new book called <em>The Good News about Marriage<\/em> that debunks a bunch of the discouraging myths about marriage and divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to encourage our listeners to go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link that says, \u201cGO DEEPER,\u201d at the top of the page. Find out more about these books from Shaunti Feldhahn. You can order them, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order the books. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti\u2019s going to be joining us here in a couple of weeks when we\u2019re at the Allstate Arena in Chicago\u2014Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe still have seats available and would love to have you come and join us for a great one-day event with Dr. Al Mohler, Crawford and Karen Loritts, David Nasser, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Andrew Peterson, and Ron Deal. It really is going to be a great one-day event at the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe same event\u2019s going to be happening on Saturday, August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, at the Moda Center in Portland and then on Saturday, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC. That last event is going to be a worldwide simulcast. Churches, all over the country, are going to be hosting that one-day event in their church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out more about joining us at one of these events or how your church can be a part of the simulcast. Go to IStillDo.com. All the information you need is available right there\u2014IStillDo.com or call, toll-free, 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back here again tomorrow when Shaunti Feldhahn will join us. We\u2019ll talk about why we should be more optimistic about marriage. It really does have an impact on how the two of you get along. We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can join us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["22.81M"],"filesize_raw":["23917976"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303113.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303113.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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not always the big things that make a marriage. Little things mean a lot. Shaunti Feldhahn, reveals the five things that women say their husbands do that make them the happiest.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-08.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you measure your spouse\u2019s performance in marriage? Author Shaunti Feldhahn says maybe you should.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We talk about, \u201cDon\u2019t keep score.\u201d It turns out\u2014the happy couples do\u2014they just do it differently. They keep track of what the other person is <em>giving<\/em>. When they\u2019ve\u2014for example, a husband recognizes, you know: \u201cOh my gosh! My wife has been at home with these sick kids all week! What can I do to give back?\u201d Then she receives that and says: \u201cOh, man. That was so sweet of him! What can I do for him?\u201d It\u2019s this constant positive cycle that <em>truly<\/em> changes the tone of the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, July 8<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Couples who are doing well in marriage keep track of the good things their spouses are doing. There are some other things they do. We\u2019ll talk about those today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, I\u2019m just curious\u2014if your wife went out to do research on the secrets of highly happy marriages, would you wonder if there was something personal going on she was trying to\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was hoping she\u2019d find out something I did right. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTell us, Shaunti Feldhahn, how your husband Jeff felt about that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She is blushing!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> She\u2019s laughing. There must be a good story around this. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No! Dennis, I\u2019m remembering about eight years ago. I was in your studio, talking about studying men and what men need. You said, \u201cDo you do this at home?\u201d I said, \u201cI think so.\u201d You called Jeff, live, in the studio and said, \u201cDoes she do this?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We like accountability here! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019m remembering! I have a twitch! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There\u2019s nothing like an eye witness to confirm something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I have a twitch about that. That\u2019s what you\u2019re seeing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, Shaunti\u2019s just written a book called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>. One of the things you talk about in your book is that you talk about a \u201cfantastic five\u201d for him. We talked about these a bit earlier. Just give our listeners a high fly-by on those and then talk about the \u201cfantastic five\u201d for her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait\u2014fantastic five <em>what<\/em>? What is it that you\u2019re outlining here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, basically, I was studying what it is that makes the happiest marriages happy. What do they do differently? One of the things that I found was that I noticed all of the wives tended to do these same five things every day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talk about love languages; right? You know\u2014this individual thing that matters to <em>your <\/em>spouse. Well, I was noticing that these people were doing the <em>same <\/em>five things. The same thing with the husbands\u2014they tended to do these same five things for their wives. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOkay!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt makes sense because they are the things that speak to the other gender. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we\u2019ve already talked about was \u201cWhat was it that touched his heart?\u201d We don\u2019t have time, probably, to go into all five of them; but one of the big ones is hearing his wife say, \u201cThank you.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cReally?!\u201d But, you know, \u201cThank you for taking out the trash, Honey,\u201d or, \u201cThank you for changing the light bulbs. It\u2019s been driving me <em>nuts<\/em> that that light bulb was out. I noticed you did that. Thank you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose little day-to-day notices are saying, \u201cYou measure up, as a husband.\u201d It\u2019s saying, \u201cI care about you.\u201d You may, as a wife, not think it\u2019s a big deal; but, trust me, this is a <em>huge <\/em>deal for men\u2014not necessarily for you, as a woman always, but for men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You say for a wife to say, \u201cYou did a good job at this,\u201d\u2014that affirms him\u2014to say that in front of somebody else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> In front of somebody else!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> To brag on your husband to somebody else. These are the patterns that good marriages have cultivated; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Good marriages have cultivated and, sometimes, without even knowing they were a big deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Like the women who tended to do it had <em>no <\/em>idea that that was one of the reasons her husband was so happy and, in turn, was a loving husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what it is it that the loving husbands were doing? What were some of the little things? Interestingly, one of the things that was very common was that these men would frequently take their wife\u2019s hand\u2014you know, when they were walking across the parking lot\u2014just reach out and take her hand. Or they\u2019re sitting together at church\u2014and he reaches around and puts his arm around her at church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s funny. I do this sometimes in churches\u2014you know, I do a pastoral interview format, where I\u2019m talking about this. I share this from the stage. I see all of the men\u2014their eyes go wide and they <em>reach<\/em>\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They reach over!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014around and put their arm around their wife. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Too late! It\u2019s too late, at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s actually not! That\u2019s the fun part!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s not worth a full point, though, Shaunti. [Laughter] It may be worth \u00be of a point or a \u00bd, but you don\u2019t get a full point when someone tells you to do it in <em>front <\/em>of your wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You don\u2019t get a full brownie point. Well, here\u2019s the fun part about that\u2014I usually say to the women in the congregation because the men\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014you know, we kind of joke and I say, \u201cI see all of the men putting their arm around\u2026\u201d\u2014everybody kind of laughs. But then I say: \u201cMen don\u2019t necessarily realize it matters. It makes you feel special. It says, \u2018You\u2019re mine.\u2019 It says something very powerful.\u201d I can see the men, you know\u2014their eyebrows kind of go up\u2014and I say to the women, \u201cDoes it?\u201d The women will go, \u201cYes!\u201d They\u2019ll start nodding and sometimes clapping. The men will look <em>shocked <\/em>because they have no idea that this little\u2014talk about the fantastic five\u2014little things\u2014it\u2019s a little thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I tell couples\u2014and, I think, from the research\u2014it\u2019s not the words\u2014it\u2019s not the actions, really, that matters. It\u2019s what it says\u2014and it says, \u201cI care about you.\u201d If you say that regularly, during the day in these ways, she will feel cared for. That protects your marriage from her thinking in other ways: \u201cHe\u2019s working 80 hours a week. H doesn\u2019t care about me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your research showed that one of the things that these couples are doing that is affirming one another in marriage is just paying attention to small things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, this is a little bit of arms around, and hand on the small of the back, or saying, \u201cYou look beautiful.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Or \u201cThank you,\u201d to the men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. These may seem like small things, but small things matter in a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, one of the biggest encouragements to me, frankly\u2014when I started looking at these, I didn\u2019t know what I was going to find. As I was studying these happily married couples, I didn\u2019t know if some of the stuff I was going to find was big rocket science type stuff, and it wasn\u2019t. It turns out\u2014and every counselor agrees with me on this\u2014in <em>most<\/em> cases, what really torpedoes a relationship\u2014in most cases, not all\u2014isn\u2019t the big-ticket stuff. It\u2019s <em>not<\/em> necessarily that you\u2019re married to an alcoholic or that somebody was sexually-abused, as a child, and they have years of therapy to get through that. Yes, that happens sometimes\u2014<em>absolutely<\/em>, it does\u2014but that\u2019s not the <em>majority<\/em> of problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou usually have a husband and wife who really care about each other\u2014they\u2019re trying really hard. They just don\u2019t know, necessarily\u2014they\u2019re trying in the wrong areas. She\u2019s not saying, \u201cThank you,\u201d\u2014she\u2019s criticizing him. She has <em>no<\/em> idea that that\u2019s painful. Suddenly, her eyes are opened to one, or two, or three little, <em>small <\/em>changes. You start saying, \u201cThank you, Honey, for taking out the trash,\u201d instead of, \u201cWell, I see that it took you an extra half-hour to take out the trash.\u201d You make that little change\u2014that\u2019s not rocket science\u2014but it will change <em>everything<\/em> in your marriage!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You tell about one woman, whom you talked to, and her husband was really working overtime to try to figure out how they could do a getaway to Hawaii. Their marriage was headed in the wrong direction; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, I mean, she literally\u2014this is interesting about what we were just talking about. She was crying on my living room floor because their marriage was falling apart. She was <em>sobbing<\/em> and saying: \u201cYou know, he worked for a year to get the extra money to take us on this <em>amazing<\/em> vacation to Hawaii. All I wanted was for him to put his arm around me in church.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe was trying <em>so <\/em>hard and had no idea he was withholding this affection and this caring and creating this safe place for his wife. That\u2019s just <em>one<\/em> example\u2014these little things we\u2019re talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And if a guy is listening right now and missed all five of the fantastic five for her, they can go online to FamilyLifeToday.com and get the fantastic five for your wife or wives can pick up the fantastic five for their husbands.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you found in your research had to do with how husbands and wives resolved conflict. I\u2019m just wondering\u2014do you and Jeff ever retire in the evening at odds with each other? Has that ever occurred?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Never! Never, ever! [Laughter] And I\u2019m sure nobody listening has every experienced that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was listening to some guy recently and he said, \u201cYou know, we take this command not to let the sun go down on your anger\u2014we take that seriously. We\u2019ve been up for 12 days now!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, and the anger increases after that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> After the third day; right! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Exactly. You did find, though, that couples who are happy\u2014couples who are satisfied and content\u2014have learned the art of resolving conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And it\u2019s different than a lot of the marriage advice that\u2019s given. It\u2019s interesting\u2014there is a tweak. I\u2019m kind of a freak for research; right? I wanted to find out what these happy couples were <em>doing<\/em>\u2014actually doing as opposed to what they were saying to do. So, when they would advise me and they would say, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s really important to not go to bed mad.\u201d I would say: \u201cAbsolutely! And do you ever go to bed mad?\u201d Well, it\u2019s a really important principle. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I started talking\u2014what they had learned, in practice, was that sometimes\u2014this is the way they put it: \u201cWhen you\u2019ve got two upset, emotional, exhausted people, who are trying to duke something out at 1:00 in the morning, you\u2019re going to say things you didn\u2019t mean. You\u2019re going to hurt each other\u2019s feelings. You\u2019re going to agree to things you wish you hadn\u2019t agreed to.\u201d In practice, they had learned that sometimes you say: \u201cYou know what? Let\u2019s sleep on it. We\u2019re okay. We will work this out. The relationship is solid. Let\u2019s talk about this in the morning.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHalf the time\u2014they told me\u2014when you get up in the morning, they\u2019re like: \u201cWhat was that about? You know, it sometimes can resolve on its own; but if it doesn\u2019t, then you deal with it.\u201d I was a little concerned when I started hearing that that was the pattern because, so often, you hear advice that\u2019s contra-biblical\u2014and it doesn\u2019t matter if it\u2019s what they do if it\u2019s against the Bible; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I went back and took another look at what the Bible actually says about this. I was flabbergasted because that comment that we all quote from Ephesians\u2014the Apostle Paul is actually quoting the Old Testament. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe\u2019s saying, basically, in Ephesians 4 there\u2014he\u2019s saying: \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin. Don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger\u201d; right? He\u2019s quoting Psalm 4:4, which basically says: \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He\u2019s quoting a Scripture that is really contrary, in some ways, to what we think the advice is. So, clearly, \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin,\u201d doesn\u2019t mean: \u201cDon\u2019t go to bed mad.\u201d There seems to be something about this principle of, you know: \u201cDon\u2019t hurt each other\u2019s feelings. If you need to work it out before you go to bed to not sin in your anger, then do that; but if you\u2019re going to sin in your anger, and you\u2019re going to say hurtful things that you wish you hadn\u2019t said, think about it overnight and remain silent. The key is: \u201cHow are you handling your anger?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And make sure you\u2019re not just ignoring the conflict or pretending like it\u2019s not there. I mean, \u201cDon\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger,\u201d I think, is a way of saying, \u201cDon\u2019t just pretend like nothing happened when there\u2019s still hurt and pain there.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know\u2014the Bible talks about reconciliation. Forgiveness is the route to be reconciled with your spouse. You\u2019re speaking at <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> with us later on in the summer. We\u2019re going to be in Chicago the first of August; and later on in Portland the end of August; and then in Washington, DC, in October. These large arena events\u2014Bob, you remember\u2014years ago, when we would do these\u2014we would conclude the event with an opportunity for couples to be reconciled to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was always amazed at how many people had come to that event with pretty big issues that needed to be resolved\u2014where there was conflict going on\u2014where one or both needed to turn to the other and say: \u201cI\u2019m sorry when I\u2026Will you forgive me?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then be silent, and listen, and allow reconciliation to ultimately seep in so the relationship can be restored.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Also, one of the things I found in the research\u2014one of the other 12 little secrets here\u2014was just exactly that. And this is, to me, one of the most favorite for me because I realized that, without realizing it, Jeff and I were already doing this. Part of, I think, the secret to having a really truly happy marriage is to figure out what you\u2019re already doing that\u2019s good so you can do it on <em>purpose<\/em> as opposed to just not realizing it\u2019s important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis issue of reconciliation\u2014to me\u2014I call it reconnection because, when you\u2019re in the middle of a\u2014let\u2019s just say it\u2019s a time of hurt feelings\u2014it\u2019s not a big\u2014it\u2019s not been months of whatever\u2014maybe it\u2019s just been days\u2014whatever it is. One of the things that these happy couples do\u2014because they have hurt feelings too\u2014is that, when they\u2019ve been in that place, they automatically have this signal, at some point, that comes that says, \u201cThe issue may not be resolved yet, but <em>we<\/em> are okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can be the littlest, silliest, simple\u2014it can be your own private language that only makes sense to the two of you. Like, for me and Jeff, the signal that says, \u201cWe\u2019re okay,\u201d\u2014and I know this is going to sound crazy\u2014but like, if Jeff has been grumpy, he\u2019ll come downstairs; he\u2019ll nudge me; and he\u2019ll say, \u201cYou done being grumpy yet?\u201d [Laughter] That\u2019s his way of apologizing and saying, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes\u2014I found with these couples\u2014it was literally just, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d \u201cYes, we\u2019re okay.\u201d Sometimes, it was these little signals. One couple was talking about how they walked past each other\u2014and they\u2019d been at odds and they\u2019ve been upset\u2014and somebody would finally come over and hold out their pinky. [Laughter] If the other person touched the pinky, it meant, \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d or, \u201cI accept your apology,\u201d or, \u201cYes, we\u2019re okay.\u201d It was a signal that the issue\u2019s still out there\u2014maybe you don\u2019t necessarily <em>solve<\/em> everything overnight, but that doesn\u2019t necessarily matter\u2014but the relationship is solid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You need a signal of that. I love that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. More than likely\u2014at <em>I Still Do<\/em>\u2014where you\u2019re going to be\u2014we\u2019re going to spend some time doing some of those kinds of things which really do encourage couples to come together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Explain to our listeners about the \u201ccanoe theory.\u201d What\u2019s the \u201ccanoe theory\u201d that you found as you were working on this?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> One of the other secrets that I loved\u2014because it was very highly correlated with moving from unhappiness to happiness\u2014was, believe it or not, keeping score. We talk about: \u201cDon\u2019t keep score. Don\u2019t keep score.\u201d Well, it turns out that happy couples do\u2014they just do it differently. They keep score\u2014they keep track of what the other person is <em>giving<\/em>. When they\u2019ve\u2014for example, a husband recognizes, you know: \u201cOh my gosh! My wife has been at home with these sick kids all week! They\u2019ve been grumpy, and they\u2019ve been at the doctor\u2019s office, and she\u2019s exhausted.\u201d He automatically says: \u201cOh, my word! She\u2019s been giving <em>so<\/em> much. What can I do to give back?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA husband might say: \u201cOkay,\u201d\u2014you know, Saturday\u2014she\u2019s been with these sick kids all week so\u2014\u201cYou know, Honey, let me have them all weekend. Let me have the stuffy noses and the grumpy kids. You get out with your girlfriends.\u201d He\u2019s not feeling this sense of: \u201cOh, I\u2019m such a wonderful husband! I\u2019m letting her have this time away.\u201d No! He was keeping score of the fact that she was so under it that it comes out of this sense that: \u201cI owe her. I want to give back.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen she receives that and says: \u201cOh, man. That was so sweet of him! What can I do for him?\u201d It\u2019s this constant positive cycle that truly changes the tone of the marriage from: \u201cWhat are you not doing? What am I doing that you\u2019re not doing?\u201d and keeping score of the bad to keeping score of the good. It changes the tone of the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> One of the challenges that occurred early in our marriage was that I found out that both Barbara and I had very high expectations. We were high-expectation people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe expect a lot out of life. We expected a lot out of our kids; and we expected a lot out of each other and our marriage. Expectations, if they\u2019re not properly handled, can become unreal \/ unfair. A lot of disappointment can reign in the relationship. You found that expectations\u2014and managing them\u2014were a key component of happy marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The chapter title is that these happy couples have \u201cFactual Fantasies.\u201d Everybody\u2019s like: \u201cOkay; what?\u201d [Laughter] Basically, what that is\u2014it is so easy to have <em>unrealistic<\/em> expectations\u2014we all know; right? What makes you unhappy is having an expectation of how something should operate and it\u2019s not met. Okay? That makes you unhappy. What these couples were doing was\u2014they were refusing\u2014these happy couples were refusing to kind of <em>long<\/em> for or expect something that was really difficult for their spouse to deliver.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead\u2014to really celebrate the things that they could deliver and that they did do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA classic example that I heard so many times\u2014you know\u2014one of the things that makes wives unhappy is the idea that\u2014in a conflict\u2014when we\u2019re all upset, and we\u2019re at odds with each other, and he\u2019s pulling away\u2014he\u2019s withdrawing and that means, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t care about me!\u201d Because, you know, in the romance novels, the hero never pulls away; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The hero always moves <em>towards<\/em> and gives the big hug. So, this wife is expecting, and wishing, and longing that, in a conflict, he would just move towards her and give her a big hug. Well, when a husband in a real-life situation\u2014a real-life husband is in a conflict\u2014and he sees his wife starting to pull away, he\u2019s going: \u201cWhew\u2014because I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m thinking. I need some processing time. I\u2019m so glad she\u2019s pulling away because this will give us time to process and think it through and come back together again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRealistically, he has no idea that she\u2019s wanting him and <em>longing<\/em> for him to give her a big hug. That\u2019s just not reality! Most husbands need that space and time to think. But it is <em>so<\/em> easy\u2014especially\u2014I think women and men\u2014it is so <em>easy<\/em>\u2014for us to have these\u2014Can I be honest about one\u2014of the one men go into marriage with?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I mean, I can\u2019t tell you how many men who have said, \u201cI kind of expected we\u2019d get frisky every day.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know? \u201cWe\u2019d have that time of intimacy every day. If she really desired me, I wouldn\u2019t have to approach her. She\u2019d approach me.\u201d That\u2019s what happens in the movies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> If he\u2019s enough of a stud, she couldn\u2019t keep her hands off of him. So, \u201cWhat does this <em>mean<\/em> when it doesn\u2019t happen\u2014you know\u2014every day? It sometimes doesn\u2019t happen even every week. This means she <em>doesn\u2019t care<\/em> about me,\u201d\u2014to have this kind of depressing feeling, on his side, as opposed to: \u201cYou know what? God wired men and women differently in this area. Yes, sometimes, absolutely, you can bridge that gap.\u201d Women need to understand how important that is to men too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, you know, women need to be approached differently. Expecting that if you\u2019re enough of a stud, she wouldn\u2019t be tired\u2014that\u2019s an unrealistic expectation. Instead, she needs to know what you\u2019ve got on your menu for the evening. You need to kind of set the stage a little bit and have that anticipation time because that\u2019s the way God wired most\u2014not all\u2014but most women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I tell guys who have that unrealistic expectation\u2014I say, \u201cThose women, whom you\u2019ve see in those movies\u2014first of all, they had to sign a contract that said they would do that.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s depressing!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cSecondly, they had to pay the women a whole lot of money to act that way! Third, they had to write lines of dialog for the women to say in that setting. Then, they had to get a guy in who said, \u2018Action!\u2019 As soon as the guy said, \u2018Cut!\u2019 the woman quit acting that way. It\u2019s fiction! It\u2019s phony!\u201d [Laughter] You know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, wait a second, Bob. It does happen\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014there are some women going: \u201cTime out! Time out!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cNow, wait a minute!\u201d\u2014exactly; exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think what we\u2019re talking about here\u2014and have all day, here on our broadcast\u2014is really how, in marriage, we need to be generous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We need to be really thinking about how we can encourage, how we can bless, how we can forgive, how we can seek forgiveness. We need to love generously.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And if we did that\u2014if we did that day in and day out\u2014if you\u2019re sowing generosity into your marriage, you know what? I think you\u2019re going to get some back, occasionally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. When we were in Hershey, Pennsylvania, earlier this year, speaking at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, I remember talking to the crowd and saying: \u201cWhen it comes to sharing love with your spouse\u2014expressing love to your spouse\u2014are you stingy? Are you thrifty? Are you generous? What if we went beyond being generous? What if we were extravagant in how we lavish love on one another?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt would make a difference! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what you found, Shaunti, as you explored the things that couples are doing that cause them to still like the fact that they\u2019re married\u2014to be in happy, healthy, strong marriage relationships. Shaunti\u2019s written a book called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. <\/em>We\u2019ve got the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center, along with her new book called <em>The Good News about Marriage<\/em> that debunks a bunch of the discouraging myths about marriage and divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to encourage our listeners to go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link that says, \u201cGO DEEPER,\u201d at the top of the page. Find out more about these books from Shaunti Feldhahn. You can order them, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order the books. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti\u2019s going to be joining us here in a couple of weeks when we\u2019re at the Allstate Arena in Chicago\u2014Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe still have seats available and would love to have you come and join us for a great one-day event with Dr. Al Mohler, Crawford and Karen Loritts, David Nasser, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Andrew Peterson, and Ron Deal. It really is going to be a great one-day event at the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe same event\u2019s going to be happening on Saturday, August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, at the Moda Center in Portland and then on Saturday, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, at the Verizon Center in Washington, DC. That last event is going to be a worldwide simulcast. Churches, all over the country, are going to be hosting that one-day event in their church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out more about joining us at one of these events or how your church can be a part of the simulcast. Go to IStillDo.com. All the information you need is available right there\u2014IStillDo.com or call, toll-free, 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back here again tomorrow when Shaunti Feldhahn will join us. We\u2019ll talk about why we should be more optimistic about marriage. It really does have an impact on how the two of you get along. We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can join us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303113","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303113"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303113"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303113"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303113"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303113"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303113"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303113"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}