{"id":303111,"date":"2014-07-07T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-07-07T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/a-mans-fantastic-five\/"},"modified":"2014-07-07T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-07-07T15:00:00","slug":"a-mans-fantastic-five","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-mans-fantastic-five\/","title":{"rendered":"A Man&#8217;s Fantastic Five"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Shaunti Feldhahn uncovers the secrets to a happy marriage.  Find out the five things wives do that sends men to their happy place.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-07.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.02M","filesize_raw":"25188365","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2862],"tags":[4086,5372,5374,5371,5373],"podcast_series":[8021],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303111","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-differences","tag-commitment","tag-contentment-in-marriage","tag-happiness","tag-happy-couples","tag-unhappy-in-marriage","podcast_series-surprising-secrets-of-highly-happy-marriage","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303111\/a-mans-fantastic-five","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303111\/a-mans-fantastic-five","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"lM3X1y0doZ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-mans-fantastic-five\/\">A Man&#8217;s Fantastic Five<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-mans-fantastic-five\/embed\/#?secret=lM3X1y0doZ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;A Man&#8217;s Fantastic Five&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"lM3X1y0doZ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-07.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-07.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In the best marriages, husbands and wives tell one another the truth; but they speak the truth in love. Here\u2019s Shaunti Feldhahn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>In our culture, I think one of the things we\u2019ve over-prioritized is this idea of: \u201cYou have to tell it like it is. You have to be able to be brutally honest\u201d; right? We <em>miss <\/em>the fact that means sometimes\u2014we take that as: \u201cOh, I can say anything. It doesn\u2019t matter how I say it. It doesn\u2019t matter how they feel.\u201d I think that\u2019s what we\u2019ve lost\u2014is that value of just being <em>kind<\/em> to one another that will <em>fix<\/em> and cover over a multitude of problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, July 7<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk today with Shaunti Feldhahn about some of the secrets of highly happy marriages. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. I spent a lot of time on the phone last night with a husband who has been married less than five years. Back, right before he got married, I remember talking to him. He could not wait to get married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, five years in, he\u2019s in a very unhappy marriage. You know, you\u2019ve talked to people like this\u2014who find themselves surprised. They got married\u2014they had great expectations for what their marriage was going to be\u2014and they learned, over time, that marriage is more challenging than they realized it was going to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. The proverbial seven-year itch\u2014where people kind of start looking around, out of their disappointment with their spouse\u2014I think has been reduced to three-and-a-half years. This guy\u2019s on a fast-track for his. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Fast-track; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have a friend here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> who has done a great deal of research that I think is going to encourage each of our listeners. Shaunti Feldhahn joins us again. Shaunti\u2014welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It is <em>always<\/em> good to be with you guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s great to be with you too. She\u2019s been married to Jeff since 1994. They have two children. They live in hot Atlanta. She is the featured speaker, as many of our listeners know, on the <em>Life Ready Woman<\/em> video series which FamilyLife has\u2014an eight-session video series that really is designed to help women capture God\u2019s blueprints for them as wives, women, and moms. Her latest book is called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And we should mention that you are going to be joining us in Chicago on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAugust 2<sup>nd<\/sup>, and in Portland on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, and in Washington, DC, on October 4<sup>th<\/sup> for our <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> events to help couples understand how you can have a highly happy marriage; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>I am <em>so looking<\/em> forward to that. So glad you guys are doing those!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I am too. You know, I just feel like\u2014Shaunti, you might comment because you\u2019re speaking, all around the country, as well. I think there\u2019s a desire, within our nation right now, for someone to step forward and say: \u201cYou know what? Our God created marriage, and we\u2019re not ashamed. We just want to stand up and celebrate it\u2014and not poke anybody in the eye with a stick or with a lack of gracious words\u2014but instead just stand up\u2014pro-marriage, pro-family, and pro-God.\u201d Don\u2019t you think it\u2019s time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>And I think it\u2019s also time for us to be able to celebrate it and say, \u201cYou know, it doesn\u2019t always work this way,\u201d\u2014as your friend, last night, said\u2014\u201cbut God ultimately intended marriage to be wonderful\u2014a blessing to us\u2014something we should be able to celebrate rather than kind of say, \u2018Oh, well, it\u2019s always about enduring for the next 50 years.\u2019\u201d It\u2019s like: \u201cWell, sometimes; but, most of the time I think\u2014if it\u2019s a measure of a reflection of Christ in this church and that relationship\u2014it should be <em>wonderful<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>That\u2019s what we should be <em>aiming<\/em> for anyway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And it\u2019s really not rocket science. You did a bunch of research. In fact, this book took how many years of research?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>This particular one took three\u2014almost four. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Four years. You sought to research what turns a relationship between two imperfect people into one where they\u2019re satisfied\u2014they\u2019re content with each other\u2014not perfect but they\u2019re happy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Explain the process you went through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Well, all of my research is based on just interviewing tons of people to try to find out a particular thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn this case, I was trying to find out: \u201cWhat is the secret sauce?\u201d Basically: \u201cWhat is it that these really happy couples have in common? What are they all doing differently than the rest of us might do from time to time?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was <em>fun<\/em> because, as I was interviewing these folks, I was seeing patterns\u2014and going: \u201cOkay. I\u2019ve heard this like 30 times\u2014and then 300 times. I\u2019m not necessarily hearing this from other folks.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I eventually tested those things on some very big nationally-representative surveys. That\u2019s really what I identified\u201412 different things that these very, very happy couples are doing differently\u2014that they don\u2019t necessarily even realize that they\u2019re doing differently, but it makes a <em>big<\/em> difference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And we should say, along the way, while you were surveying couples whose marriages are thriving, you also learned that marriage, in general, is doing better than most people think it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Much better. We have this idea in our culture that marriage is in trouble; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one reason why people live together. That\u2019s one reason why people, I think, sometimes give up too quickly\u2014like: \u201cWell, you know, half of all marriages end in divorce. I have a lot of company if I can\u2019t make it either.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was so <em>astounded<\/em> as I started studying this. This really goes back years\u2014it\u2019s not just at the same time as this other project. I\u2019ve really been investigating it and realize that so much of that conventional wisdom, that discourages us about marriage, isn\u2019t true. There is no such thing as a 50 percent divorce rate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, as we\u2019re sitting here talking, 72 percent of people are still married to their first spouse. That\u2019s huge! It encourages people\u2014even to know, by the way, the <br>28 percent who aren\u2019t\u2014that\u2019s not even the divorce rate. That includes people who were married for 50 years and their spouse died.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>So, no one knows what the actual divorce rate is\u2014that\u2019s one of the reasons the myths get started; right?\u2014but we can kind of guess-timate that it\u2019s\u2014for first-time marriages, it\u2019s probably closer to 20-25 percent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Now, okay? That\u2019s nothing to dance a jig about\u2014it\u2019s still too high. But it\u2019s a <em>whole lot better<\/em> than 50. So, to be able to say: \u201cYou know what? God designed this institution. <em>Most <\/em>marriages are strong and happy for <em>a lifetime<\/em>.\u201d That gives people this hope that: \u201cIf all these other people can get through these problems and make it, I can too!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I think a lot of couples are giving up too soon. I think they hear this negative news and they think, \u201cI\u2019ll just cave in and be like the other 50 percent.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think our listeners ought to know where the 50 percent divorce rate came from\u2014basically, there\u2019s a couple million marriages a year and a million divorces. So, someone concluded\u2014along the way\u2014that that results in a 50 percent divorce rate. Well, they forget that there\u2019s tens of millions of people who have already gotten married\u2014who are among the million who got the divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you point out in your book that I found fascinating\u2014you and Jeff were speaking at a marriage conference. You actually piloted something there\u2014where in one-half of the room you put the husbands and the other half of the room you put the wives. You asked both a key question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. This is a very, very important thing for everybody to know. We basically were asking\u2014\u201cDo you\u2026\u201d\u2014and I should explain, by the way, they weren\u2019t in the same room. They were actually in two different rooms. They had <em>no way<\/em> of knowing what their spouse was answering. We wanted it to be both anonymous <em>and <\/em>we wanted it to be independent so that they could be very candid \/ very honest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe basically said, essentially: \u201cDo you care about your mate? Do you still have this affection for them? Do you want the <em>best <\/em>for them?\u201d And truly, in that particular room, it was 95 percent said: \u201cI <em>absolutely<\/em> want my spouse\u2019s best. I <em>care<\/em> for them deeply.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we found, on the national survey, it was actually 99-something percent\u2014but the difference is\u2014not everybody believed it. That was a huge difference in whether they were happy in their marriage or not because it is so easy, when you\u2019re hurt, to believe, \u201cMy spouse doesn\u2019t care.\u201d The truth is\u2014almost everybody cares! Almost everybody <em>deeply<\/em> cares, even in the most troubled relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, wasn\u2019t it like 50 percent didn\u2019t believe that their spouse cared?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Very close to that. Yes, it was 47 percent or something. It was basically\u2014if they had a happy marriage\u2014they allowed themselves to believe it. That was one of the reasons they had a happy marriage. They said: \u201cI might be hurt, but I <em>know<\/em> my spouse cares about me. I <em>know<\/em> they want the best for me. So I\u2019m going to believe that they didn\u2019t mean it when they said it that way. They didn\u2019t intend to hurt me.\u201d The people who have the less-than-happy relationships\u2014they allowed themselves to believe the opposite: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cMy spouse doesn\u2019t care. He knew how that make me feel, and he said it anyway.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, you know, we have folks who are listening who are in that 50 percent\u2014who say: \u201cI don\u2019t think my spouse cares,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand I have some pretty good evidence to support my theory. I know he <em>says<\/em> he cares, but the evidence\u2014his actions speak louder than his words. What am I supposed to do?\u2014just pretend like he really does care?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, first of all, that person needs to take their fingers off the scale. They have their fingers on the scale that is pronouncing them guilty as charged. They need to get their heads up\u2014don\u2019t they, Shaunti?\u2014and take a step back, take a deep breath, and go: \u201cWhat\u2019s the context of this person\u2019s life? What\u2019s going on in his or her life right now that maybe is contributing to this drought of kindness in the relationship?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>And also, not just, \u201cWhat\u2019s contributing to this drought of kindness?\u201d but, \u201cWhat are you choosing to focus on?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, even in the happy couples, there are issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>We all have issues; right? I love what one person said: \u201cEven the best, most wonderful Christian husband and wife can be jerky sometimes.\u201d But the difference is: \u201cWhat are you focusing on?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>I was noticing that sometimes there would be a real issue\u2014big issues like he\u2019s addicted to pornography or something\u2014big, deep, hurtful issues. And yet, as I talked to them, I\u2019m like: \u201cYou still have a <em>great <\/em>marriage. Tell me how this is happening.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe says: \u201cYou know what? Yes, he\u2019s working on this\u2014we\u2019re working on this. It\u2019s hurtful, but you know what? I noticed he took the kids out when he was <em>so<\/em> tired from work, and he took them out and played ball in the yard. He is a <em>great<\/em> dad. I appreciate that about him, and I have to recognize it. It balances, you know. Yes, he\u2019s working on this, but he does all these other things.\u201d They\u2019re focusing on\u2014it\u2019s Philippians 4. It\u2019s focusing on what is good, and lovely, and excellent, and worthy of praise and not what\u2019s driving you crazy!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And believing the best about them in the process. I love a T-shirt that you wrote down in your book. The T-shirt said, \u201cBe kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I really like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Me too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Who doesn\u2019t need another human being to be kind to them?\u2014especially in the marriage relationship. Ephesians, Chapter 4, verse 32 just has a good word here. It\u2019s just very simple: \u201cBe kind to one another.\u201d What if spouses got up in the morning and thought, first thing: \u201cHow could I be kind to my wife this morning? How could I be kind to my husband throughout the day?\u201d and then executed on it\u2014not perfectly. I didn\u2019t say execute him, I said execute on being kind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>I was wondering about that for just a second! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But there\u2019s a need for that focus to take place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>This was one of\u2014to me\u2014there were several of the 12 things that we identified that really hit a personal chord with me. This is one of my pet peeves\u2014is, when I\u2019m out in public, and I hear a husband or a wife\u2014and I regret to say, sometimes\u2014quite often, it\u2019s the wife\u2014speaking very critically about their spouse: \u201cI <em>can\u2019t believe<\/em> you forgot to do this! You said three times you\u2019d pick it up. What were you thinking?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt hurts my heart. I think to myself: \u201cWould you<em> ever<\/em> speak in that tone to your best girlfriend \/ your best friend? Would you ever use those words in that scathing tone? Why would you ever use that with your husband?\u201d Or, if it\u2019s the opposite, \u201cWhy would you ever speak that way to your wife?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we take intimacy for license. We basically say, \u201cWe\u2019re so close we can kind of take each other for granted and not worry about speaking kindly.\u201d But we don\u2019t get an out on that biblical injunction just because you kind of think, \u201cWell, it\u2019s okay because it\u2019s safe.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not safe! It\u2019s creating a very unhealthy, unsafe environment\u2014where it leads to some of the other problems that I found that these happy couples don\u2019t do. It leads to them feeling like they have to protect themselves and that they have to kind of have a little bit of an emotional\u2014\u201cOkay, I have to hold myself back a little bit because this might all fall apart.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat holding yourself back\u2014and not being all-in, and fully risking everything, and saying, \u201cI\u2019ll risk a broken heart,\u201d\u2014that holding yourself back creates the problems you\u2019re trying to protect yourself from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It builds a wall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So we don\u2019t want people to misunderstand what we\u2019re saying here. We\u2019re not talking about building walls in a relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We are talking about protecting your spouse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014by being safe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014by being kind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And the issue of security\u2014especially, I think, for wives to know that \u201cI am safe in a relationship,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s at the core of what frees her up to be the wife that her husband wants her to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. This is obviously\u2014we talked about this when Jeff and I were in here, talking about <em>For Men Only<\/em>, you know\u2014helping men understand the things that really matter to their wives or a girlfriend. It is so critical for guys to understand that that security for her is not, primarily, financial. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat may be a piece of the puzzle; but for her, it is knowing: \u201cWe are close.\u201d She cannot feel close to you \/ she cannot feel like you are there for her always if, to some degree, she feels like you\u2019re not safe\u2014that you\u2019re going to say something that\u2019s hurtful, and you\u2019re going to say it in this brutal tone, and think, \u201cWell, she knows I love her.\u201d Well, remember, women need reassurance of that. She doesn\u2019t necessarily know that you love her. She needs to know that every single day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Let\u2019s talk about what guys need, at this point. We\u2019ve all heard the statement: \u201cFamiliarity breeds contempt.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Oh, boy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A man does not need contempt. In fact, that cuts to the very core of who he is as a man. If you look at the end of Ephesians 5, Paul instructs wives to respect their husbands. When a woman allows cynicism or contempt to dribble out through her attitude and her words, she\u2019s destroying her man and her marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>And there are so many women, who are listening to you right now, and they don\u2019t realize they\u2019re already doing that. They just don\u2019t know that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I really agree with you. I think a lot of women don\u2019t realize their voice, or their attitude, or their face carries with it this poison.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. For us\u2014in our \/ in my defense, as a wife, having done this\u2014and done this many times, now to my shame, without having realized it\u2014I did not <em>feel<\/em> contempt for my husband. I didn\u2019t<em> feel<\/em> disdain. I didn\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> disrespect. I had no idea I was conveying all of those things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, as I\u2019ve been, over the last number of years\u2014obviously, been here talking about <em>For Women Only<\/em> too, you know, the book to help women understand men\u2014that they would give up\u2014it\u2019s such a big deal to feel respected that three out of four men on the survey said they\u2019d give up feeling that their wives loved them, even, if that\u2019s what it took to know that she respected them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Rather be respected than loved; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Here\u2019s really the way it translates into an <em>action<\/em> that I think every women listening to this can get: \u201cWhat is it that builds up his heart as opposed to tearing it down?\u201d Okay, contempt tears it down. The\u2014\u201cI asked you <em>three times<\/em> to get the dry cleaning.\u201d You\u2019re saying: \u201cYou\u2019re inadequate. You\u2019ve failed.\u201d For a guy, what you\u2019re saying\u2014it\u2019s his most painful feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what is it on the flip side? What creates a good marriage? What is it that you can do differently other than just not doing that; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that I\u2019ve been looking at <em>for years<\/em>\u2014I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ve ever told you this\u2014I\u2019ve been looking, for years, to try to find: \u201cWhat is a man\u2019s emotional equivalent of \u2018I love you\u2019?\u201d Because, for women, when he says, \u201cI love you,\u201d it says like ten different things. It says not just, \u201cI have affection for you\u201d; but it says, \u201cYou\u2019re mine.\u201d It says, \u201cI would choose you all over again, and you\u2019re loveable,\u201d\u2014all these things that really touch a woman\u2019s heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, if feeling loved isn\u2019t his primary need, what is the thing that you can say to a man that has that same emotionally impact? I learned really quickly it doesn\u2019t really work\u2014when you kind of follow your husband around the house and kind of, \u201cOh, honey, I respect you so much.\u201d Poor Jeff\u2014he\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, that just doesn\u2019t have the same ring to it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>So, I\u2019ve been looking for the last four \/ five years: \u201cWhat is it that has the same ring?\u201d And believe it or not, I found it. It\u2019s: \u201cThank you,\u201d\u2014\u201cThank you, Honey. I noticed what you did. Thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was this\u2014men have this internal feeling like: \u201cI want to be a great husband, but I don\u2019t know that I am.\u201d There\u2019s a lot of vulnerability and self-doubt. So, when you say, \u201cThank you,\u201d as a woman\u2014\u201cThank you for taking out the trash,\u201d \u201cThank you for playing with the kids outside,\u201d \u201cThank you for always being such a good husband,\u201d\u2014every woman listening to me is like \u201cWell, that\u2019s just a little thing.\u201d No. For a guy\u2014what we found, statistically\u2014that <em>is<\/em> the emotional equivalent because it says: \u201cI noticed what you did, and it was good. I appreciate it.\u201d You do that\u2014day to day\u2014you will create <em>a radically<\/em> different tone in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly right. I just want to commend you for speaking the truth in love here. Every listener needs to grab an action point out of what we\u2019ve talked about today. Is it, first of all, being kind to your spouse \/ being kind, as a single person, to the young lady or the young man you\u2019re dating? Is it believing all things\u2014not losing your expectancy of your spouse doing the right thing? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDon\u2019t fall into the trap of expecting him or her to do the wrong thing. And then, finally, for the wives, maybe it\u2019s respecting your husband and saying, \u201cThank you.\u201d Just, \u201cThank you, Sweetheart. Thank you for leaving your underwear in the basket.\u201d [Laughter] You know, something as\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, seriously!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014or, for the husbands, creating the safety that only love can create around your wife\u2019s heart. That means: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m not going anywhere. I\u2019m committed to you for a lifetime. I love you, and I\u2019m not going to quit.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. You know, we\u2019re going to have a chance to talk more about this here in a couple weeks. In fact, we\u2019re less than four weeks away from the <em>I Still Do<\/em> one-day celebration of marriage that\u2019s going to be taking place at the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti Feldhahn\u2019s going to be with us. We\u2019ll talk more about some of the surprising secrets of highly happy marriages. Shaunti\u2019s going to be with us on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup> at the Moda Center in Portland; and on October 4<sup>th<\/sup> in Washington, DC, at the Verizon Center downtown. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to encourage our listeners: \u201cIf you live anywhere near any of these three cities, come join us for this one-day event to celebrate what we talked about today\u2014the permanence in marriage \/ the good part of marriage because marriage is a good thing. Marriage is a blessing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s a part of what Shaunti talks about in her book, <em>The Good News about Marriage: Debunking the Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce<\/em>, and then in her book, <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>. We have both of these books in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order copies of the book from us, online, if you\u2019d like. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ll find the information about <em>I Still Do<\/em> there, and you\u2019ll find the information about Shaunti\u2019s books. You can order those books from us, online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you\u2019d like\u20141-800-358-6329. Call to order or find out more; and order, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to say a quick word of thanks, Dennis, to our listeners who make programs like this possible\u2014who are helping us get the word out to hundreds of thousands of people every day, all around the world, about how you can have a strong, healthy marriage relationship; how you can build a strong, vibrant family relationship; how your marriage and family can be anchored in the Scriptures. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s our goal. We want to effectively develop godly families who change the world, one home at a time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s why we do everything we do\u2014from this program to these upcoming <em>I Still Do<\/em> one-day events for couples. It\u2019s all about every home becoming a godly home. We couldn\u2019t do it without the listeners who stand with us and help make all of this possible. Thank you for your financial support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation today, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a message from Dennis and Barbara Rainey. This is actually a message, Dennis, where you share about some of the hard years in your marriage with Barbara and about how important it is for husbands and wives to say, \u201cI still do,\u201d to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey\u2019s message on permanence in marriage when you help support this ministry this month with a donation. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper right-hand corner that says, \u201cI CARE,\u201d to make an online donation. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and donate over the phone. Ask for the audio message called <em>I Still Do<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can write a check and mail it to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. Our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd be sure to join us back again tomorrow. Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s going to be with us. We\u2019re going to continue talking about those couples who look at each other, after all these years, and still smile. What do they know that the rest of us don\u2019t know? What makes for a highly happy marriage? We\u2019ll talk more about it tomorrow. Hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.02M"],"filesize_raw":["25188365"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303111.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303111.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Feldhahn uncovers the secrets to a happy marriage. Find out the five things wives do that sends men to their happy place.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-07-07.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In the best marriages, husbands and wives tell one another the truth; but they speak the truth in love. Here\u2019s Shaunti Feldhahn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>In our culture, I think one of the things we\u2019ve over-prioritized is this idea of: \u201cYou have to tell it like it is. You have to be able to be brutally honest\u201d; right? We <em>miss <\/em>the fact that means sometimes\u2014we take that as: \u201cOh, I can say anything. It doesn\u2019t matter how I say it. It doesn\u2019t matter how they feel.\u201d I think that\u2019s what we\u2019ve lost\u2014is that value of just being <em>kind<\/em> to one another that will <em>fix<\/em> and cover over a multitude of problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, July 7<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk today with Shaunti Feldhahn about some of the secrets of highly happy marriages. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. I spent a lot of time on the phone last night with a husband who has been married less than five years. Back, right before he got married, I remember talking to him. He could not wait to get married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, five years in, he\u2019s in a very unhappy marriage. You know, you\u2019ve talked to people like this\u2014who find themselves surprised. They got married\u2014they had great expectations for what their marriage was going to be\u2014and they learned, over time, that marriage is more challenging than they realized it was going to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. The proverbial seven-year itch\u2014where people kind of start looking around, out of their disappointment with their spouse\u2014I think has been reduced to three-and-a-half years. This guy\u2019s on a fast-track for his. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Fast-track; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have a friend here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> who has done a great deal of research that I think is going to encourage each of our listeners. Shaunti Feldhahn joins us again. Shaunti\u2014welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It is <em>always<\/em> good to be with you guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s great to be with you too. She\u2019s been married to Jeff since 1994. They have two children. They live in hot Atlanta. She is the featured speaker, as many of our listeners know, on the <em>Life Ready Woman<\/em> video series which FamilyLife has\u2014an eight-session video series that really is designed to help women capture God\u2019s blueprints for them as wives, women, and moms. Her latest book is called <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And we should mention that you are going to be joining us in Chicago on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAugust 2<sup>nd<\/sup>, and in Portland on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, and in Washington, DC, on October 4<sup>th<\/sup> for our <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> events to help couples understand how you can have a highly happy marriage; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>I am <em>so looking<\/em> forward to that. So glad you guys are doing those!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I am too. You know, I just feel like\u2014Shaunti, you might comment because you\u2019re speaking, all around the country, as well. I think there\u2019s a desire, within our nation right now, for someone to step forward and say: \u201cYou know what? Our God created marriage, and we\u2019re not ashamed. We just want to stand up and celebrate it\u2014and not poke anybody in the eye with a stick or with a lack of gracious words\u2014but instead just stand up\u2014pro-marriage, pro-family, and pro-God.\u201d Don\u2019t you think it\u2019s time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>And I think it\u2019s also time for us to be able to celebrate it and say, \u201cYou know, it doesn\u2019t always work this way,\u201d\u2014as your friend, last night, said\u2014\u201cbut God ultimately intended marriage to be wonderful\u2014a blessing to us\u2014something we should be able to celebrate rather than kind of say, \u2018Oh, well, it\u2019s always about enduring for the next 50 years.\u2019\u201d It\u2019s like: \u201cWell, sometimes; but, most of the time I think\u2014if it\u2019s a measure of a reflection of Christ in this church and that relationship\u2014it should be <em>wonderful<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>That\u2019s what we should be <em>aiming<\/em> for anyway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And it\u2019s really not rocket science. You did a bunch of research. In fact, this book took how many years of research?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>This particular one took three\u2014almost four. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Four years. You sought to research what turns a relationship between two imperfect people into one where they\u2019re satisfied\u2014they\u2019re content with each other\u2014not perfect but they\u2019re happy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Explain the process you went through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Well, all of my research is based on just interviewing tons of people to try to find out a particular thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn this case, I was trying to find out: \u201cWhat is the secret sauce?\u201d Basically: \u201cWhat is it that these really happy couples have in common? What are they all doing differently than the rest of us might do from time to time?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was <em>fun<\/em> because, as I was interviewing these folks, I was seeing patterns\u2014and going: \u201cOkay. I\u2019ve heard this like 30 times\u2014and then 300 times. I\u2019m not necessarily hearing this from other folks.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I eventually tested those things on some very big nationally-representative surveys. That\u2019s really what I identified\u201412 different things that these very, very happy couples are doing differently\u2014that they don\u2019t necessarily even realize that they\u2019re doing differently, but it makes a <em>big<\/em> difference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And we should say, along the way, while you were surveying couples whose marriages are thriving, you also learned that marriage, in general, is doing better than most people think it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Much better. We have this idea in our culture that marriage is in trouble; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one reason why people live together. That\u2019s one reason why people, I think, sometimes give up too quickly\u2014like: \u201cWell, you know, half of all marriages end in divorce. I have a lot of company if I can\u2019t make it either.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was so <em>astounded<\/em> as I started studying this. This really goes back years\u2014it\u2019s not just at the same time as this other project. I\u2019ve really been investigating it and realize that so much of that conventional wisdom, that discourages us about marriage, isn\u2019t true. There is no such thing as a 50 percent divorce rate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, as we\u2019re sitting here talking, 72 percent of people are still married to their first spouse. That\u2019s huge! It encourages people\u2014even to know, by the way, the <br>28 percent who aren\u2019t\u2014that\u2019s not even the divorce rate. That includes people who were married for 50 years and their spouse died.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>So, no one knows what the actual divorce rate is\u2014that\u2019s one of the reasons the myths get started; right?\u2014but we can kind of guess-timate that it\u2019s\u2014for first-time marriages, it\u2019s probably closer to 20-25 percent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Now, okay? That\u2019s nothing to dance a jig about\u2014it\u2019s still too high. But it\u2019s a <em>whole lot better<\/em> than 50. So, to be able to say: \u201cYou know what? God designed this institution. <em>Most <\/em>marriages are strong and happy for <em>a lifetime<\/em>.\u201d That gives people this hope that: \u201cIf all these other people can get through these problems and make it, I can too!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I think a lot of couples are giving up too soon. I think they hear this negative news and they think, \u201cI\u2019ll just cave in and be like the other 50 percent.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think our listeners ought to know where the 50 percent divorce rate came from\u2014basically, there\u2019s a couple million marriages a year and a million divorces. So, someone concluded\u2014along the way\u2014that that results in a 50 percent divorce rate. Well, they forget that there\u2019s tens of millions of people who have already gotten married\u2014who are among the million who got the divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you point out in your book that I found fascinating\u2014you and Jeff were speaking at a marriage conference. You actually piloted something there\u2014where in one-half of the room you put the husbands and the other half of the room you put the wives. You asked both a key question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. This is a very, very important thing for everybody to know. We basically were asking\u2014\u201cDo you\u2026\u201d\u2014and I should explain, by the way, they weren\u2019t in the same room. They were actually in two different rooms. They had <em>no way<\/em> of knowing what their spouse was answering. We wanted it to be both anonymous <em>and <\/em>we wanted it to be independent so that they could be very candid \/ very honest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe basically said, essentially: \u201cDo you care about your mate? Do you still have this affection for them? Do you want the <em>best <\/em>for them?\u201d And truly, in that particular room, it was 95 percent said: \u201cI <em>absolutely<\/em> want my spouse\u2019s best. I <em>care<\/em> for them deeply.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we found, on the national survey, it was actually 99-something percent\u2014but the difference is\u2014not everybody believed it. That was a huge difference in whether they were happy in their marriage or not because it is so easy, when you\u2019re hurt, to believe, \u201cMy spouse doesn\u2019t care.\u201d The truth is\u2014almost everybody cares! Almost everybody <em>deeply<\/em> cares, even in the most troubled relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, wasn\u2019t it like 50 percent didn\u2019t believe that their spouse cared?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Very close to that. Yes, it was 47 percent or something. It was basically\u2014if they had a happy marriage\u2014they allowed themselves to believe it. That was one of the reasons they had a happy marriage. They said: \u201cI might be hurt, but I <em>know<\/em> my spouse cares about me. I <em>know<\/em> they want the best for me. So I\u2019m going to believe that they didn\u2019t mean it when they said it that way. They didn\u2019t intend to hurt me.\u201d The people who have the less-than-happy relationships\u2014they allowed themselves to believe the opposite: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cMy spouse doesn\u2019t care. He knew how that make me feel, and he said it anyway.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, you know, we have folks who are listening who are in that 50 percent\u2014who say: \u201cI don\u2019t think my spouse cares,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand I have some pretty good evidence to support my theory. I know he <em>says<\/em> he cares, but the evidence\u2014his actions speak louder than his words. What am I supposed to do?\u2014just pretend like he really does care?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, first of all, that person needs to take their fingers off the scale. They have their fingers on the scale that is pronouncing them guilty as charged. They need to get their heads up\u2014don\u2019t they, Shaunti?\u2014and take a step back, take a deep breath, and go: \u201cWhat\u2019s the context of this person\u2019s life? What\u2019s going on in his or her life right now that maybe is contributing to this drought of kindness in the relationship?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>And also, not just, \u201cWhat\u2019s contributing to this drought of kindness?\u201d but, \u201cWhat are you choosing to focus on?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, even in the happy couples, there are issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>We all have issues; right? I love what one person said: \u201cEven the best, most wonderful Christian husband and wife can be jerky sometimes.\u201d But the difference is: \u201cWhat are you focusing on?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>I was noticing that sometimes there would be a real issue\u2014big issues like he\u2019s addicted to pornography or something\u2014big, deep, hurtful issues. And yet, as I talked to them, I\u2019m like: \u201cYou still have a <em>great <\/em>marriage. Tell me how this is happening.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe says: \u201cYou know what? Yes, he\u2019s working on this\u2014we\u2019re working on this. It\u2019s hurtful, but you know what? I noticed he took the kids out when he was <em>so<\/em> tired from work, and he took them out and played ball in the yard. He is a <em>great<\/em> dad. I appreciate that about him, and I have to recognize it. It balances, you know. Yes, he\u2019s working on this, but he does all these other things.\u201d They\u2019re focusing on\u2014it\u2019s Philippians 4. It\u2019s focusing on what is good, and lovely, and excellent, and worthy of praise and not what\u2019s driving you crazy!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And believing the best about them in the process. I love a T-shirt that you wrote down in your book. The T-shirt said, \u201cBe kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I really like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Me too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Who doesn\u2019t need another human being to be kind to them?\u2014especially in the marriage relationship. Ephesians, Chapter 4, verse 32 just has a good word here. It\u2019s just very simple: \u201cBe kind to one another.\u201d What if spouses got up in the morning and thought, first thing: \u201cHow could I be kind to my wife this morning? How could I be kind to my husband throughout the day?\u201d and then executed on it\u2014not perfectly. I didn\u2019t say execute him, I said execute on being kind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>I was wondering about that for just a second! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But there\u2019s a need for that focus to take place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>This was one of\u2014to me\u2014there were several of the 12 things that we identified that really hit a personal chord with me. This is one of my pet peeves\u2014is, when I\u2019m out in public, and I hear a husband or a wife\u2014and I regret to say, sometimes\u2014quite often, it\u2019s the wife\u2014speaking very critically about their spouse: \u201cI <em>can\u2019t believe<\/em> you forgot to do this! You said three times you\u2019d pick it up. What were you thinking?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt hurts my heart. I think to myself: \u201cWould you<em> ever<\/em> speak in that tone to your best girlfriend \/ your best friend? Would you ever use those words in that scathing tone? Why would you ever use that with your husband?\u201d Or, if it\u2019s the opposite, \u201cWhy would you ever speak that way to your wife?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we take intimacy for license. We basically say, \u201cWe\u2019re so close we can kind of take each other for granted and not worry about speaking kindly.\u201d But we don\u2019t get an out on that biblical injunction just because you kind of think, \u201cWell, it\u2019s okay because it\u2019s safe.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not safe! It\u2019s creating a very unhealthy, unsafe environment\u2014where it leads to some of the other problems that I found that these happy couples don\u2019t do. It leads to them feeling like they have to protect themselves and that they have to kind of have a little bit of an emotional\u2014\u201cOkay, I have to hold myself back a little bit because this might all fall apart.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat holding yourself back\u2014and not being all-in, and fully risking everything, and saying, \u201cI\u2019ll risk a broken heart,\u201d\u2014that holding yourself back creates the problems you\u2019re trying to protect yourself from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It builds a wall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So we don\u2019t want people to misunderstand what we\u2019re saying here. We\u2019re not talking about building walls in a relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We are talking about protecting your spouse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014by being safe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>\u2014by being kind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And the issue of security\u2014especially, I think, for wives to know that \u201cI am safe in a relationship,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s at the core of what frees her up to be the wife that her husband wants her to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. This is obviously\u2014we talked about this when Jeff and I were in here, talking about <em>For Men Only<\/em>, you know\u2014helping men understand the things that really matter to their wives or a girlfriend. It is so critical for guys to understand that that security for her is not, primarily, financial. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat may be a piece of the puzzle; but for her, it is knowing: \u201cWe are close.\u201d She cannot feel close to you \/ she cannot feel like you are there for her always if, to some degree, she feels like you\u2019re not safe\u2014that you\u2019re going to say something that\u2019s hurtful, and you\u2019re going to say it in this brutal tone, and think, \u201cWell, she knows I love her.\u201d Well, remember, women need reassurance of that. She doesn\u2019t necessarily know that you love her. She needs to know that every single day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Let\u2019s talk about what guys need, at this point. We\u2019ve all heard the statement: \u201cFamiliarity breeds contempt.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Oh, boy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A man does not need contempt. In fact, that cuts to the very core of who he is as a man. If you look at the end of Ephesians 5, Paul instructs wives to respect their husbands. When a woman allows cynicism or contempt to dribble out through her attitude and her words, she\u2019s destroying her man and her marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>And there are so many women, who are listening to you right now, and they don\u2019t realize they\u2019re already doing that. They just don\u2019t know that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I really agree with you. I think a lot of women don\u2019t realize their voice, or their attitude, or their face carries with it this poison.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Yes. For us\u2014in our \/ in my defense, as a wife, having done this\u2014and done this many times, now to my shame, without having realized it\u2014I did not <em>feel<\/em> contempt for my husband. I didn\u2019t<em> feel<\/em> disdain. I didn\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> disrespect. I had no idea I was conveying all of those things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, as I\u2019ve been, over the last number of years\u2014obviously, been here talking about <em>For Women Only<\/em> too, you know, the book to help women understand men\u2014that they would give up\u2014it\u2019s such a big deal to feel respected that three out of four men on the survey said they\u2019d give up feeling that their wives loved them, even, if that\u2019s what it took to know that she respected them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Rather be respected than loved; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>Here\u2019s really the way it translates into an <em>action<\/em> that I think every women listening to this can get: \u201cWhat is it that builds up his heart as opposed to tearing it down?\u201d Okay, contempt tears it down. The\u2014\u201cI asked you <em>three times<\/em> to get the dry cleaning.\u201d You\u2019re saying: \u201cYou\u2019re inadequate. You\u2019ve failed.\u201d For a guy, what you\u2019re saying\u2014it\u2019s his most painful feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what is it on the flip side? What creates a good marriage? What is it that you can do differently other than just not doing that; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that I\u2019ve been looking at <em>for years<\/em>\u2014I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ve ever told you this\u2014I\u2019ve been looking, for years, to try to find: \u201cWhat is a man\u2019s emotional equivalent of \u2018I love you\u2019?\u201d Because, for women, when he says, \u201cI love you,\u201d it says like ten different things. It says not just, \u201cI have affection for you\u201d; but it says, \u201cYou\u2019re mine.\u201d It says, \u201cI would choose you all over again, and you\u2019re loveable,\u201d\u2014all these things that really touch a woman\u2019s heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, if feeling loved isn\u2019t his primary need, what is the thing that you can say to a man that has that same emotionally impact? I learned really quickly it doesn\u2019t really work\u2014when you kind of follow your husband around the house and kind of, \u201cOh, honey, I respect you so much.\u201d Poor Jeff\u2014he\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, that just doesn\u2019t have the same ring to it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>So, I\u2019ve been looking for the last four \/ five years: \u201cWhat is it that has the same ring?\u201d And believe it or not, I found it. It\u2019s: \u201cThank you,\u201d\u2014\u201cThank you, Honey. I noticed what you did. Thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was this\u2014men have this internal feeling like: \u201cI want to be a great husband, but I don\u2019t know that I am.\u201d There\u2019s a lot of vulnerability and self-doubt. So, when you say, \u201cThank you,\u201d as a woman\u2014\u201cThank you for taking out the trash,\u201d \u201cThank you for playing with the kids outside,\u201d \u201cThank you for always being such a good husband,\u201d\u2014every woman listening to me is like \u201cWell, that\u2019s just a little thing.\u201d No. For a guy\u2014what we found, statistically\u2014that <em>is<\/em> the emotional equivalent because it says: \u201cI noticed what you did, and it was good. I appreciate it.\u201d You do that\u2014day to day\u2014you will create <em>a radically<\/em> different tone in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly right. I just want to commend you for speaking the truth in love here. Every listener needs to grab an action point out of what we\u2019ve talked about today. Is it, first of all, being kind to your spouse \/ being kind, as a single person, to the young lady or the young man you\u2019re dating? Is it believing all things\u2014not losing your expectancy of your spouse doing the right thing? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDon\u2019t fall into the trap of expecting him or her to do the wrong thing. And then, finally, for the wives, maybe it\u2019s respecting your husband and saying, \u201cThank you.\u201d Just, \u201cThank you, Sweetheart. Thank you for leaving your underwear in the basket.\u201d [Laughter] You know, something as\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>No, seriously!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014or, for the husbands, creating the safety that only love can create around your wife\u2019s heart. That means: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m not going anywhere. I\u2019m committed to you for a lifetime. I love you, and I\u2019m not going to quit.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. You know, we\u2019re going to have a chance to talk more about this here in a couple weeks. In fact, we\u2019re less than four weeks away from the <em>I Still Do<\/em> one-day celebration of marriage that\u2019s going to be taking place at the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Saturday, August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShaunti Feldhahn\u2019s going to be with us. We\u2019ll talk more about some of the surprising secrets of highly happy marriages. Shaunti\u2019s going to be with us on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup> at the Moda Center in Portland; and on October 4<sup>th<\/sup> in Washington, DC, at the Verizon Center downtown. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to encourage our listeners: \u201cIf you live anywhere near any of these three cities, come join us for this one-day event to celebrate what we talked about today\u2014the permanence in marriage \/ the good part of marriage because marriage is a good thing. Marriage is a blessing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s a part of what Shaunti talks about in her book, <em>The Good News about Marriage: Debunking the Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce<\/em>, and then in her book, <em>The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em>. We have both of these books in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order copies of the book from us, online, if you\u2019d like. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ll find the information about <em>I Still Do<\/em> there, and you\u2019ll find the information about Shaunti\u2019s books. You can order those books from us, online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you\u2019d like\u20141-800-358-6329. Call to order or find out more; and order, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to say a quick word of thanks, Dennis, to our listeners who make programs like this possible\u2014who are helping us get the word out to hundreds of thousands of people every day, all around the world, about how you can have a strong, healthy marriage relationship; how you can build a strong, vibrant family relationship; how your marriage and family can be anchored in the Scriptures. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s our goal. We want to effectively develop godly families who change the world, one home at a time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s why we do everything we do\u2014from this program to these upcoming <em>I Still Do<\/em> one-day events for couples. It\u2019s all about every home becoming a godly home. We couldn\u2019t do it without the listeners who stand with us and help make all of this possible. Thank you for your financial support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation today, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a message from Dennis and Barbara Rainey. This is actually a message, Dennis, where you share about some of the hard years in your marriage with Barbara and about how important it is for husbands and wives to say, \u201cI still do,\u201d to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey\u2019s message on permanence in marriage when you help support this ministry this month with a donation. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper right-hand corner that says, \u201cI CARE,\u201d to make an online donation. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and donate over the phone. Ask for the audio message called <em>I Still Do<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can write a check and mail it to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. Our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd be sure to join us back again tomorrow. Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s going to be with us. We\u2019re going to continue talking about those couples who look at each other, after all these years, and still smile. What do they know that the rest of us don\u2019t know? What makes for a highly happy marriage? We\u2019ll talk more about it tomorrow. Hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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