{"id":303091,"date":"2014-06-23T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-06-23T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/blending-families-slow-is-good\/"},"modified":"2014-06-23T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-06-23T15:00:00","slug":"blending-families-slow-is-good","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-families-slow-is-good\/","title":{"rendered":"Blending Families: Slow is Good"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Blending a family is easy, right? Ron Deal says &#8220;not so fast&#8221;. Blending two families is a lot slower, more complicated and more fraught with challenges than anyone expects.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-06-23.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"46.48M","filesize_raw":"48733895","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,2858],"tags":[2585,4798,5362,4388,2248,4188,2515,4834],"podcast_series":[8019],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303091","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-stepparenting-skills","tag-blended-family","tag-kids","tag-parent","tag-relationships","tag-stepdad","tag-stepfamily","tag-stepmom","tag-stepparents","podcast_series-four-pillars-of-step-parenting-success","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303091\/blending-families-slow-is-good","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303091\/blending-families-slow-is-good","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"TNXarmfTtI\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-families-slow-is-good\/\">Blending Families: Slow is Good<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-families-slow-is-good\/embed\/#?secret=TNXarmfTtI\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Blending Families: Slow is Good&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"TNXarmfTtI\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-06-23.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-06-23.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the goals in a blended marriage is for step-children and step-parents to get along\u2014to enjoy being with one another\u2014maybe even love each other. Ron Deal says, \u201cThat\u2019s something you can\u2019t hurry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>The kids are going to decide whether they\u2019re going to love you and how <em>much<\/em> they\u2019re going to love you. It\u2019s kind of like a friendship. When you develop a new friendship\u2014you get to know somebody\u2014you like them; but you don\u2019t share your deepest, darkest whatevers in life. You kind of hold back on that until you decide you can trust them a little more, and a little more, and a little more. So, there\u2019s tentativeness to the relationship. Time is one of those things that tests and proves it and helps you to <em>deepen<\/em> that love and commitment relationship; but, in the beginning, it\u2019s kind of fragile.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, June 23<sup>rd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Being a step-parent can be a real challenge. We\u2019re going to see if we can offer some real help today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. You know, I think there\u2019s a group of people that I\u2019ve gotten to know over the last couple of years\u2014a group of people who have to be some of the most grateful fans of FamilyLife because of an initiative that we\u2019ve undertaken here to try to help them with the challenges they\u2019re facing in their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes\u2014you\u2019re talking about blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I look back over the decisions I\u2019ve made, over almost four decades of ministry here, at FamilyLife. There are some \u2018duh\u2019 decisions that I\u2019ve made, and this was one of them. It was like, \u201cWhat took me <em>so long<\/em> to recognize that there is a <em>huge<\/em> number of people, in our culture today, who are in blended families\u2014who just desperately need to be equipped by someone who know what they\u2019re doing?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why we hired Ron Deal to come in here to FamilyLife. He is arguably the number one expert on blended families within the Christian community\u2014and has been for the last 25 years. Bob, he\u2019s making a huge difference. He\u2019s bringing hope to a segment of the Christian community and the church that I think desperately needs to hear his message. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, anytime we\u2019ve sat down with Ron and tossed him a hard question about blended families, he\u2019s had an answer. He\u2019s talked to somebody who\u2019s been in it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He\u2019s been there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>He\u2019s helped navigate folks through the waters of the blended family challenges. Coming up in October, Ron is getting together with a couple hundred people from all across the country\u2014who do blended family ministry in local churches or in local communities\u2014for the Blended and Blessed Summit. This is the second annual event. They\u2019re going to be spending the days talking about how we can more effectively help, and equip, and strengthen the marriages of folks who are in some challenging situations in a blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And there\u2019ll be people in Washington, DC, coming together from all over the United States\u2014and likely from some foreign countries as well\u2014who are looking for some of the best practices in blended family ministry; and we\u2019re going to have them. They\u2019re going to be there and they\u2019re going to be rubbing shoulders with each other for a couple of days prior to the <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> event that\u2019ll be held at the Verizon Center on the following Saturday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. If you\u2019d like more information about the Blended and Blessed Summit that\u2019s coming up October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup> in Washington, DC, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click in the upper left-hand corner where it says \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d The information about the Blended and Blessed Summit is available there\u2014also, information about the <em>I Still Do<\/em> event on Saturday, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, at the Verizon Center. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI should mention, too, that the message we\u2019re going to hear from Ron Deal today was actually recorded onboard the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise a few months ago. If folks are interested in finding out more about the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise in 2015, there\u2019s a link there as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, lots of different options for you to check out; but we do hope, if you have any interest in or heart for blended families, you\u2019ll come to the Blended and Blessed Summit in Washington, DC, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to hear today Part One of a message from Ron Deal as he met with a group of folks in step-families and talked about the elements that make for a successful step-family\u2014and particularly, successful step-parenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Let\u2019s start talking about four pillars of step-parent success. Now, first of all, let me notice that there are four levels. So, let me talk about level one\u2014three foundations for biological parents. Now, let me just push \u201cPause\u201d there for a minute because some of you are going: \u201cNow, wait a minute. I thought we were talking about step-parent success. Why are you addressing the biological parents?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, that\u2019s easy\u2014because you, bio-parents, hold the power to either set up step-parents for success or no success. It really hinges on you, as biological parents, and the role that you play with your kids. Why? Because you have an attachment that affords you an insider status\u2014and the power and the ability to follow through with things\u2014that step-parents can\u2019t do without the same attachment. So, there are certain wars and battles that have to be fought by bio-parents that can\u2019t be fought by step-parents. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber one foundation: \u201cDeclare your loyalty to your spouse.\u201d This is just kind of one of those general statements to say that\u2014you know what? \u2014your kids need to hear you say, time and time again\u2014that you are a lifer with this spouse that you have chosen, and that your marriage matters, and that you\u2019re not going to be divided. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019m <em>not <\/em>saying is that you declare to your kids, \u201cI love my spouse, and I don\u2019t love you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery once in a while I get feedback from somebody who heard me say that. That is <em>not <\/em>what I\u2019m saying at all\u2014<em>absolutely not<\/em>. What I\u2019m saying is: \u201cThey just need to know there are no chinks in your armor. They just need to understand that they can\u2019t work you and pull you away from that marriage.\u201d Does that make sense? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, declaring your loyalty is just kind of that general statement of love and trust about the marriage\u2014and that that is something you are deeply committed to\u2014as you are committed to your children. You are committed to them still, but you\u2019re also deeply committed to that marriage relationship\u2014that\u2019s number one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two is: \u201cPass power to the step-parent and back them up.\u201d This is what we do whenever you hire a babysitter. You pass power to the babysitter. Remember that little speech you give your kids? \u201cAlright, while we\u2019re gone, she\u2019s in charge.\u201d You have some cute little 15-year-old that the kids have never met before\u2014and: \u201cShe\u2019s in charge? Are you kidding me?\u201d \u201cYes, she\u2019s in charge.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, what you say to them is passing power to her: \u201cIf you disobey her, it is as if you\u2019re disobeying me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat makes a very strong statement to the children about her level of authority on that given night. It helps set her up for some success; right?\u2014because she doesn\u2019t have that power in and of herself\u2014she\u2019s just a stand-in\u2014but she can now enforce rules\u2014even perhaps impose a consequence. It carries the weight of that biological parent. It\u2019s a very important principle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStep-parents need the help of the biological parent to support them, and lift them, and boost them up, within the eyes of the children and within the household itself\u2014maybe even with your in-laws\u2014maybe even to other outsiders that are invested in your family. They, too, need to understand the step-parent has some power, as far as you\u2019re concerned. That\u2019s what passing power is really all about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, so let\u2019s go back to number three: \u201cTrust a step-parent\u2019s heart.\u201d When I say \u201cTrust a step-parent\u2019s heart,\u201d let me tell you about a big trap that happens sometimes in blended families\u2014not in every family\u2014but sometimes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s this trap\u2014it\u2019s the attachment trap as it gets played out in the realm of trust. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere will be times, in biological homes, where mom and dad disagree with each other. There are times when moms and dads coach each other on how to parent better with their own children. That\u2019s kind of what parenting is\u2014a two-person process. You work together as a team, and you help each other; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf Dad comes home one day, and he\u2019s walking into the living room, and he\u2019s watching his wife deal with a situation, and he\u2019s going: \u201cOoh. You should see how you respond sometimes with the kids. I just want you to know what it looks like\u2014what it feels like from the receiving end of that.\u201d He\u2019s trying to help his wife be a better wife\u2014just give a little feedback. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, is it deep criticism\u2014is he telling her she\u2019s a horrible person? No, no, no, no, no\u2014he\u2019s not doing any of that. He\u2019s just saying, \u201cThe manner in which you go about sometimes\u2014some things\u2014I just want you to see...\u201d Now, what he doesn\u2019t do, in that moment, is\u2014he doesn\u2019t look at his wife and say: \u201cAnd I know why you\u2019ve made that face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIt\u2019s because you hate our kids.\u201d Well, of course, she doesn\u2019t hate the kids\u2014they\u2019re her kids! He knows that. He doesn\u2019t ever call into question her heart. See where this is going? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the traps sometimes\u2014for you, biological parents\u2014is you see your spouse respond to your children in a certain way, and you judge it. You not only judge: \u201cOh, you should have seen your face!\u201d but you go much deeper than that to their heart. You judge their heart. You\u2019re saying: \u201cI know why you did that\u2014because you don\u2019t love my kids.\u201d In that moment, it\u2019s: \u201cUs against you.\u201d So, you have to be very careful that you don\u2019t get to that level of judgment about the heart of the other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019ve gone there, just own it. Just kind of look in the mirror and go: \u201cYou know what? I do. I kind of believe that you\u2019re going to be harsh because\u2026 I kind of believe\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI kind of found myself, on the front-end of situations, going: \u2018Oh, I know where this is going to go,\u2019 and, \u2018I know why you\u2019re going to do that\u2014because you just don\u2019t love my kids the way I love my kids.\u2019\u201d Immediately, what does that muster up inside you, as biological parents\u2014defensiveness\u2014right? Now, you\u2019re guarded. Now, you\u2019re being protector of your children rather than unified with your spouse in parenting your children. Are you with me on that? Do you see how powerful that moment is and how it sets you against each other, as a couple? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let me balance this conversation. Are there times when step-parents blow it?\u2014absolutely! Is there a time and a season for a bio-parent to give some feedback to a step-parent?\u2014just as there is a time for step-parents to give bio-parents feedback\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re a team\u2014you\u2019re trying to help each other. It\u2019s well and good for you to come to one another and approach each other in gentleness\u2014I emphasize the word gentleness\u2014and say to one another, \u201cHey, I know we\u2019re in this thing together.\u201d In fact, there\u2019s the set-up; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s how you avoid the trap\u2014is let your intention be very clear: \u201cHey, listen, I know we\u2019re in this thing together. I know you want great things for the kids.\u201d You feed it with: \u201cI know your heart. I know your intent. I know what you\u2019re after. I know you think grounding the kids for six months is the best way to teach them responsibility. I kind of disagree, but I know that you have good intentions \/ goodwill towards the kids. That\u2019s not in question. But I am calling into question six months.\u201d You see how you get there? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, what do you have to do, if you\u2019re on the receiving end of that\u2014whether you\u2019re the step-parent or the biological parent? Well, you have to deal with you. You have to deal with that defensive part of you that rises up and says: \u201cYou\u2019re telling me I\u2019m a bad person! You\u2019re telling me I\u2019m no good. You\u2019re telling me I\u2019m\u2026\u201d You have to deal with that part of you. You have to take a deep breath\u2014calm yourself, just for a second\u2014and go: \u201cOkay, Lord. Let me listen and just hear if there\u2019s something here I need to know\u201d; and listen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you can decide what to do with it. You put away that defensiveness, and then maybe you can find each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, what happens, on the back end of that, is that you\u2019ve come together, as a team. You have more confidence in one another in terms of how you move forward. Be careful not to over-judge the step-parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLevel two: \u201cStand together, as a team.\u201d Alright; so this is about teamwork\u2014this unity thing\u2014that principle\u2014that age-old principle for parents\u2014parental unity\u2014right? We want to have that in a bio-parent \/ step-parent scenario, just like we do in any other\u2014in any other parenting scenario. Talk, negotiate, and support your shared decisions\u2014finding that unity is a really important thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two: \u201cBio-parents, especially in the beginning, are going to take the primary role with their kids. Step-parents are going to take the secondary role with their step-children.\u201d Family therapist, Bill Doherty, calls this: \u201cBio-parents are first violin. Step-parents are second violin.\u201d I love that imagery. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, you\u2019re still a parent, as a step-parent. Babysitters are still an authority, but they\u2019re not parents. Why?\u2014because they don\u2019t have the attachment. It\u2019s developing\u2014they have one\u2014but it\u2019s not the same as the biological parent\u2019s. Especially, early on, in your family\u2019s walk\u2014this is more important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you get through some years, and some time, and the test, and the relationships have solidified, then it becomes less important. But, in the beginning, we\u2019re going to let that biological parent\u2014 who has that emotional attachment and that authority that comes with it\u2014be the one who walks out the really tough moments with the kids. Right there, standing beside him, is second violin\u2014playing just as strong\u2014but somebody has to take the lead. That\u2019s what first violins do. They take the lead. They\u2019re all playing off the same sheet music. They\u2019re all playing the same notes\u2014first and second violins\u2014but somebody has to take the lead. We\u2019re going to default to that emotional attachment that gives you some stability and some authority to walk through that moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber four in level two says: \u201cStrive to be alternating advocates.\u201d Again, contrast\u2014in biological family households\u2014moms and dads take turns, on occasion, being an advocate for their kids or for the kids for some scenario. On Monday, it\u2019s the dad who comes to the wife and says: \u201cHey, look. I\u2019m thinking we need to kind of lighten up our noose a little bit on the kids and this rule about such and such. I think it\u2019s time we give them a little more responsibility and we take a little less initiative. What do you think about that?\u201d And then on the next day, it\u2019s the mom who comes to the dad. She says: \u201cYou know, I was kind of noticing how you are dealing with such and such, with Johnny. I\u2019m thinking that maybe we could deal with that differently. Let\u2019s talk about that.\u201d They take turns speaking up about what they think is best for the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The trap in a bio-parent \/ step-parent scenario is that bio-parents get trapped into being the ones on the defensive for their kids. They are the ones who kind of voice them: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou know, I think it\u2019s time we do this,\u201d or, \u201c\u2026we lighten up,\u201d or, \u201cI think we\u2019re being\u2026\u201d The step-parent ends up being the one who always seems to be saying: \u201cWhy can\u2019t we make some change? How come we can\u2019t do this? Why can\u2019t we expect more from the kids?\u201d It\u2019s just this natural thing\u2014where you begin to drift into those camps. It\u2019s kind of dangerous\u2014it\u2019s kind of dangerous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA really healthy scenario\u2014and you can kind of gauge yourselves by this\u2014how often is it that the bio-parent\u2019s coming to the step-parent, going, \u201cI need some help.\u201d That\u2019s a good observation\u2014when the step-parent is kind of advocating on behalf of what would be helpful for the child. You just take turns. That\u2019s really the sign of health\u2014is that, over time, we take turns kind of speaking up for what we think needs to happen with the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLevel three: Wise biological parents\u2014a couple of tips for you\u2014 \u201cNumber one: Don\u2019t become easily defensive.\u201d It\u2019s already come up two or three times\u2014have you noticed?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s an easy place to run to because it kind of feels like\u2014if the other person\u2014the step-parent\u2014is making a remark about your children or they\u2019re criticizing: \u201cYou know, why doesn\u2019t Johnny get out of bed?\u201d You know?\u2014and, \u201cHe never follows through. I mean, why is it we have to constantly remind this kid to do \u2018x,\u2019 \u2018y,\u2019 and \u2018z\u2019?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, what\u2019s behind that step-parent\u2019s complaint?\u2014a heart for the child\u2014they want a good thing\u2014want the kid to learn responsibility, and grow up, and do well. But what they said was, \u201cYour son\u2019s lazy,\u201d\u2014at least, that\u2019s what the bio-parent hears. Then, you react to that with: \u201cOh, you\u2019re telling me I\u2019ve done a bad job parenting my kids all these years,\u201d and, \u201cYou\u2019re telling me I\u2019m bad\u2014not only is my kid bad\u2014but I\u2019m bad,\u201d\u2014the defensiveness; right? It\u2019s just one of those things\u2014you have to put that barometer on your heart. You have to measure your own level of defensiveness. You have to catch it. That\u2019s it\u2014you have to catch it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do we stop being defensive? <em>You don\u2019t stop being defensive<\/em>\u2014you catch it. You just catch it and not let it dictate who you are and how you respond. That\u2019s the hard part. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPray about it\u2014talk to the Lord about it: \u201cGod, give me that insight into what\u2019s going on with me in that moment when they say something and it\u2019s true. I know he doesn\u2019t get out of bed. He kind of drives me crazy too. But in that moment, all I can say is, \u2018Why are you picking on my kid? It\u2019s okay.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s really the risk for bio-parents, in that moment: agree with your spouse. \u201cAaah! But if I do that, they\u2019re going to think my kid\u2019s horrible. They\u2019re never going to love my kid, and then we\u2019re never going to blend as a family. If we can\u2019t blend\u2014if I can\u2019t control my spouse\u2019s emotions towards my kid\u2014then we\u2019re never going to come together as a family! So what I have to do is I have to defend my child to my spouse, above all other options, so that my spouse will actually like my kid.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt doesn\u2019t work! Feel free to have at it, but that <em>always<\/em> gets you more of an insider sticking with insiders\u2014pushing out the outsider\u2014than it ever does the very thing you\u2019re wanting\u2014and that\u2019s bringing people together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour defensiveness is a trap to sabotage the very thing you\u2019re striving for. You just have to put a barometer on it and measure it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tConsider the outsider step-parent\u2019s perspective. Have you noticed that not on all occasions, but every once in awhile, outsiders can see things insiders can\u2019t see? \u201cOh, honey, your little girl has you wrapped around her finger. You have no idea that she is playing you like crazy! I can see it a mile away.\u201d They\u2019re right! You\u2019ve been insider in that world for so long. It\u2019s so tight. It\u2019s so what it is, and it\u2019s so comfortable for you\u2014you can\u2019t see it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery once in awhile, trust their heart: \u201cI want good things for your children. I want good things for you. I want good things for us. I have goodwill in this scenario, and so I\u2019m bringing to you an observation. Can we talk about that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have to give that some credibility. Doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re <em>always<\/em> right\u2014it just means it\u2019s something worthy of listening to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, we\u2019ve been listening to the first part of a message from Ron Deal, helping step-parents. One of the things I love about what Ron has to say to [bio-parents] is\u2014your allegiance has to be to your spouse. Your children are important\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>If you give them a chance, they\u2019ll take over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They want to be number one and eradicate whoever\u2019s number two.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The best thing you can do for them is to let them know that you have a new allegiance to a new spouse and that they\u2019re not going to be able to sever that. In the long run, that message is one that will serve your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And here\u2019s what you just heard. It\u2019s described in Proverbs 24: 3-5: \u201cBy wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cA wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might. For by wise guidance you can wage your war\u2026\u201d We all need wisdom in any marriage relationship; but in a blended family, you really need the wisdom from above which is first peaceable\u2014it\u2019s full of peace. That is what Ron is equipping people to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I would just invite our listeners\u2014if any of them have a blended family ministry \/ want to think about reaching out to blended families in their church \/ their community\u2014come join us at the Blended and Blessed Summit. Greg Smalley from <em>Focus on the Family <\/em>is going to be speaking. We are thrilled to link arms with them and making this available. It is going to be a great time. You thoroughly are going to be equipped to address the needs of blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thursday and Friday, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup> at Immanuel Bible Church in Springfield, Virginia, just outside Washington, DC. As you said, this is for lay men and women who are interested in helping blended families. It\u2019s for pastors who want to see a blended-family ministry get started in your church. It\u2019s for those who are already engaged in blended family ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You click in the upper-left hand corner of the page where it says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d You\u2019ll find a link to the Blended and Blessed conference. Dennis and I are going to be there\u2014Greg Smalley from <em>Focus on the Family<\/em> is going to be joining us. We have a great day-and-a-half mapped out. Again, get details, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to find out more about the Blended and Blessed conference for blended families October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup> in Washington, DC.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is also information on our website about Ron Deal\u2019s newly-revised updated and expanded book, <em>The Smart Step-family<\/em>. About half of this book is brand-new. It\u2019s just now out. You can find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, Ron is going to be joining us at the upcoming <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> one-day marriage events happening in Chicago on August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>, Portland on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, and Washington, DC, on October 4<sup>th<\/sup>. We\u2019d love to have <em>you<\/em> be a part of this <em>I Still Do<\/em> one-day celebration for marriage. Find out more, online, at IStillDo.com or call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we are grateful for those listeners who are responsible for making <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible. You know who you are\u2014you may be a Legacy Partner or maybe you get in touch with us on occasion to help contribute to this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere we are\u2014almost to the halfway point in 2014\u2014\u201cThank you to those of you who have made the first half of this year possible.\u201d We\u2019d like to ask you to make the second half possible, as well, by making a donation today. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE,\u201d in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, and make an online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation. Or you can write a check and mail it to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Our mailing address is P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. And our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you do get in touch with us, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by making available to you the <em>FamilyLife Bible Study for Couples<\/em>. This is designed for the two of you to go through together, or with other couples, to help you understand more about God\u2019s design for marriage. That is our thank-you gift when you make an online donation at FamilyLifeToday.com or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate over the phone\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tjust ask for the Bible study for couples\u2014or again, you can write a check to us. If you need our mailing address, go online or give us a call. We\u2019ll be happy to pass that on to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we hope you can be back with us. We\u2019re going to hear Part Two of Ron Deal\u2019s message on how to strengthen your relationship between you and your step-children. That comes up tomorrow. Hope you can join us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["46.48M"],"filesize_raw":["48733895"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303091.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303091.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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a family is easy, right? Ron Deal says \"not so fast\". Blending two families is a lot slower, more complicated and more fraught with challenges than anyone expects.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-06-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of the goals in a blended marriage is for step-children and step-parents to get along\u2014to enjoy being with one another\u2014maybe even love each other. Ron Deal says, \u201cThat\u2019s something you can\u2019t hurry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>The kids are going to decide whether they\u2019re going to love you and how <em>much<\/em> they\u2019re going to love you. It\u2019s kind of like a friendship. When you develop a new friendship\u2014you get to know somebody\u2014you like them; but you don\u2019t share your deepest, darkest whatevers in life. You kind of hold back on that until you decide you can trust them a little more, and a little more, and a little more. So, there\u2019s tentativeness to the relationship. Time is one of those things that tests and proves it and helps you to <em>deepen<\/em> that love and commitment relationship; but, in the beginning, it\u2019s kind of fragile.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, June 23<sup>rd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Being a step-parent can be a real challenge. We\u2019re going to see if we can offer some real help today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. You know, I think there\u2019s a group of people that I\u2019ve gotten to know over the last couple of years\u2014a group of people who have to be some of the most grateful fans of FamilyLife because of an initiative that we\u2019ve undertaken here to try to help them with the challenges they\u2019re facing in their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes\u2014you\u2019re talking about blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I look back over the decisions I\u2019ve made, over almost four decades of ministry here, at FamilyLife. There are some \u2018duh\u2019 decisions that I\u2019ve made, and this was one of them. It was like, \u201cWhat took me <em>so long<\/em> to recognize that there is a <em>huge<\/em> number of people, in our culture today, who are in blended families\u2014who just desperately need to be equipped by someone who know what they\u2019re doing?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why we hired Ron Deal to come in here to FamilyLife. He is arguably the number one expert on blended families within the Christian community\u2014and has been for the last 25 years. Bob, he\u2019s making a huge difference. He\u2019s bringing hope to a segment of the Christian community and the church that I think desperately needs to hear his message. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, anytime we\u2019ve sat down with Ron and tossed him a hard question about blended families, he\u2019s had an answer. He\u2019s talked to somebody who\u2019s been in it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He\u2019s been there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>He\u2019s helped navigate folks through the waters of the blended family challenges. Coming up in October, Ron is getting together with a couple hundred people from all across the country\u2014who do blended family ministry in local churches or in local communities\u2014for the Blended and Blessed Summit. This is the second annual event. They\u2019re going to be spending the days talking about how we can more effectively help, and equip, and strengthen the marriages of folks who are in some challenging situations in a blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And there\u2019ll be people in Washington, DC, coming together from all over the United States\u2014and likely from some foreign countries as well\u2014who are looking for some of the best practices in blended family ministry; and we\u2019re going to have them. They\u2019re going to be there and they\u2019re going to be rubbing shoulders with each other for a couple of days prior to the <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> event that\u2019ll be held at the Verizon Center on the following Saturday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. If you\u2019d like more information about the Blended and Blessed Summit that\u2019s coming up October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup> in Washington, DC, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click in the upper left-hand corner where it says \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d The information about the Blended and Blessed Summit is available there\u2014also, information about the <em>I Still Do<\/em> event on Saturday, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, at the Verizon Center. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI should mention, too, that the message we\u2019re going to hear from Ron Deal today was actually recorded onboard the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise a few months ago. If folks are interested in finding out more about the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise in 2015, there\u2019s a link there as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, lots of different options for you to check out; but we do hope, if you have any interest in or heart for blended families, you\u2019ll come to the Blended and Blessed Summit in Washington, DC, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to hear today Part One of a message from Ron Deal as he met with a group of folks in step-families and talked about the elements that make for a successful step-family\u2014and particularly, successful step-parenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Let\u2019s start talking about four pillars of step-parent success. Now, first of all, let me notice that there are four levels. So, let me talk about level one\u2014three foundations for biological parents. Now, let me just push \u201cPause\u201d there for a minute because some of you are going: \u201cNow, wait a minute. I thought we were talking about step-parent success. Why are you addressing the biological parents?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, that\u2019s easy\u2014because you, bio-parents, hold the power to either set up step-parents for success or no success. It really hinges on you, as biological parents, and the role that you play with your kids. Why? Because you have an attachment that affords you an insider status\u2014and the power and the ability to follow through with things\u2014that step-parents can\u2019t do without the same attachment. So, there are certain wars and battles that have to be fought by bio-parents that can\u2019t be fought by step-parents. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber one foundation: \u201cDeclare your loyalty to your spouse.\u201d This is just kind of one of those general statements to say that\u2014you know what? \u2014your kids need to hear you say, time and time again\u2014that you are a lifer with this spouse that you have chosen, and that your marriage matters, and that you\u2019re not going to be divided. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019m <em>not <\/em>saying is that you declare to your kids, \u201cI love my spouse, and I don\u2019t love you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery once in a while I get feedback from somebody who heard me say that. That is <em>not <\/em>what I\u2019m saying at all\u2014<em>absolutely not<\/em>. What I\u2019m saying is: \u201cThey just need to know there are no chinks in your armor. They just need to understand that they can\u2019t work you and pull you away from that marriage.\u201d Does that make sense? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, declaring your loyalty is just kind of that general statement of love and trust about the marriage\u2014and that that is something you are deeply committed to\u2014as you are committed to your children. You are committed to them still, but you\u2019re also deeply committed to that marriage relationship\u2014that\u2019s number one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two is: \u201cPass power to the step-parent and back them up.\u201d This is what we do whenever you hire a babysitter. You pass power to the babysitter. Remember that little speech you give your kids? \u201cAlright, while we\u2019re gone, she\u2019s in charge.\u201d You have some cute little 15-year-old that the kids have never met before\u2014and: \u201cShe\u2019s in charge? Are you kidding me?\u201d \u201cYes, she\u2019s in charge.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, what you say to them is passing power to her: \u201cIf you disobey her, it is as if you\u2019re disobeying me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat makes a very strong statement to the children about her level of authority on that given night. It helps set her up for some success; right?\u2014because she doesn\u2019t have that power in and of herself\u2014she\u2019s just a stand-in\u2014but she can now enforce rules\u2014even perhaps impose a consequence. It carries the weight of that biological parent. It\u2019s a very important principle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStep-parents need the help of the biological parent to support them, and lift them, and boost them up, within the eyes of the children and within the household itself\u2014maybe even with your in-laws\u2014maybe even to other outsiders that are invested in your family. They, too, need to understand the step-parent has some power, as far as you\u2019re concerned. That\u2019s what passing power is really all about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, so let\u2019s go back to number three: \u201cTrust a step-parent\u2019s heart.\u201d When I say \u201cTrust a step-parent\u2019s heart,\u201d let me tell you about a big trap that happens sometimes in blended families\u2014not in every family\u2014but sometimes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s this trap\u2014it\u2019s the attachment trap as it gets played out in the realm of trust. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere will be times, in biological homes, where mom and dad disagree with each other. There are times when moms and dads coach each other on how to parent better with their own children. That\u2019s kind of what parenting is\u2014a two-person process. You work together as a team, and you help each other; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf Dad comes home one day, and he\u2019s walking into the living room, and he\u2019s watching his wife deal with a situation, and he\u2019s going: \u201cOoh. You should see how you respond sometimes with the kids. I just want you to know what it looks like\u2014what it feels like from the receiving end of that.\u201d He\u2019s trying to help his wife be a better wife\u2014just give a little feedback. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, is it deep criticism\u2014is he telling her she\u2019s a horrible person? No, no, no, no, no\u2014he\u2019s not doing any of that. He\u2019s just saying, \u201cThe manner in which you go about sometimes\u2014some things\u2014I just want you to see...\u201d Now, what he doesn\u2019t do, in that moment, is\u2014he doesn\u2019t look at his wife and say: \u201cAnd I know why you\u2019ve made that face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIt\u2019s because you hate our kids.\u201d Well, of course, she doesn\u2019t hate the kids\u2014they\u2019re her kids! He knows that. He doesn\u2019t ever call into question her heart. See where this is going? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the traps sometimes\u2014for you, biological parents\u2014is you see your spouse respond to your children in a certain way, and you judge it. You not only judge: \u201cOh, you should have seen your face!\u201d but you go much deeper than that to their heart. You judge their heart. You\u2019re saying: \u201cI know why you did that\u2014because you don\u2019t love my kids.\u201d In that moment, it\u2019s: \u201cUs against you.\u201d So, you have to be very careful that you don\u2019t get to that level of judgment about the heart of the other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019ve gone there, just own it. Just kind of look in the mirror and go: \u201cYou know what? I do. I kind of believe that you\u2019re going to be harsh because\u2026 I kind of believe\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI kind of found myself, on the front-end of situations, going: \u2018Oh, I know where this is going to go,\u2019 and, \u2018I know why you\u2019re going to do that\u2014because you just don\u2019t love my kids the way I love my kids.\u2019\u201d Immediately, what does that muster up inside you, as biological parents\u2014defensiveness\u2014right? Now, you\u2019re guarded. Now, you\u2019re being protector of your children rather than unified with your spouse in parenting your children. Are you with me on that? Do you see how powerful that moment is and how it sets you against each other, as a couple? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let me balance this conversation. Are there times when step-parents blow it?\u2014absolutely! Is there a time and a season for a bio-parent to give some feedback to a step-parent?\u2014just as there is a time for step-parents to give bio-parents feedback\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re a team\u2014you\u2019re trying to help each other. It\u2019s well and good for you to come to one another and approach each other in gentleness\u2014I emphasize the word gentleness\u2014and say to one another, \u201cHey, I know we\u2019re in this thing together.\u201d In fact, there\u2019s the set-up; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s how you avoid the trap\u2014is let your intention be very clear: \u201cHey, listen, I know we\u2019re in this thing together. I know you want great things for the kids.\u201d You feed it with: \u201cI know your heart. I know your intent. I know what you\u2019re after. I know you think grounding the kids for six months is the best way to teach them responsibility. I kind of disagree, but I know that you have good intentions \/ goodwill towards the kids. That\u2019s not in question. But I am calling into question six months.\u201d You see how you get there? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, what do you have to do, if you\u2019re on the receiving end of that\u2014whether you\u2019re the step-parent or the biological parent? Well, you have to deal with you. You have to deal with that defensive part of you that rises up and says: \u201cYou\u2019re telling me I\u2019m a bad person! You\u2019re telling me I\u2019m no good. You\u2019re telling me I\u2019m\u2026\u201d You have to deal with that part of you. You have to take a deep breath\u2014calm yourself, just for a second\u2014and go: \u201cOkay, Lord. Let me listen and just hear if there\u2019s something here I need to know\u201d; and listen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you can decide what to do with it. You put away that defensiveness, and then maybe you can find each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, what happens, on the back end of that, is that you\u2019ve come together, as a team. You have more confidence in one another in terms of how you move forward. Be careful not to over-judge the step-parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLevel two: \u201cStand together, as a team.\u201d Alright; so this is about teamwork\u2014this unity thing\u2014that principle\u2014that age-old principle for parents\u2014parental unity\u2014right? We want to have that in a bio-parent \/ step-parent scenario, just like we do in any other\u2014in any other parenting scenario. Talk, negotiate, and support your shared decisions\u2014finding that unity is a really important thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two: \u201cBio-parents, especially in the beginning, are going to take the primary role with their kids. Step-parents are going to take the secondary role with their step-children.\u201d Family therapist, Bill Doherty, calls this: \u201cBio-parents are first violin. Step-parents are second violin.\u201d I love that imagery. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, you\u2019re still a parent, as a step-parent. Babysitters are still an authority, but they\u2019re not parents. Why?\u2014because they don\u2019t have the attachment. It\u2019s developing\u2014they have one\u2014but it\u2019s not the same as the biological parent\u2019s. Especially, early on, in your family\u2019s walk\u2014this is more important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you get through some years, and some time, and the test, and the relationships have solidified, then it becomes less important. But, in the beginning, we\u2019re going to let that biological parent\u2014 who has that emotional attachment and that authority that comes with it\u2014be the one who walks out the really tough moments with the kids. Right there, standing beside him, is second violin\u2014playing just as strong\u2014but somebody has to take the lead. That\u2019s what first violins do. They take the lead. They\u2019re all playing off the same sheet music. They\u2019re all playing the same notes\u2014first and second violins\u2014but somebody has to take the lead. We\u2019re going to default to that emotional attachment that gives you some stability and some authority to walk through that moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber four in level two says: \u201cStrive to be alternating advocates.\u201d Again, contrast\u2014in biological family households\u2014moms and dads take turns, on occasion, being an advocate for their kids or for the kids for some scenario. On Monday, it\u2019s the dad who comes to the wife and says: \u201cHey, look. I\u2019m thinking we need to kind of lighten up our noose a little bit on the kids and this rule about such and such. I think it\u2019s time we give them a little more responsibility and we take a little less initiative. What do you think about that?\u201d And then on the next day, it\u2019s the mom who comes to the dad. She says: \u201cYou know, I was kind of noticing how you are dealing with such and such, with Johnny. I\u2019m thinking that maybe we could deal with that differently. Let\u2019s talk about that.\u201d They take turns speaking up about what they think is best for the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0The trap in a bio-parent \/ step-parent scenario is that bio-parents get trapped into being the ones on the defensive for their kids. They are the ones who kind of voice them: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou know, I think it\u2019s time we do this,\u201d or, \u201c\u2026we lighten up,\u201d or, \u201cI think we\u2019re being\u2026\u201d The step-parent ends up being the one who always seems to be saying: \u201cWhy can\u2019t we make some change? How come we can\u2019t do this? Why can\u2019t we expect more from the kids?\u201d It\u2019s just this natural thing\u2014where you begin to drift into those camps. It\u2019s kind of dangerous\u2014it\u2019s kind of dangerous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA really healthy scenario\u2014and you can kind of gauge yourselves by this\u2014how often is it that the bio-parent\u2019s coming to the step-parent, going, \u201cI need some help.\u201d That\u2019s a good observation\u2014when the step-parent is kind of advocating on behalf of what would be helpful for the child. You just take turns. That\u2019s really the sign of health\u2014is that, over time, we take turns kind of speaking up for what we think needs to happen with the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLevel three: Wise biological parents\u2014a couple of tips for you\u2014 \u201cNumber one: Don\u2019t become easily defensive.\u201d It\u2019s already come up two or three times\u2014have you noticed?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s an easy place to run to because it kind of feels like\u2014if the other person\u2014the step-parent\u2014is making a remark about your children or they\u2019re criticizing: \u201cYou know, why doesn\u2019t Johnny get out of bed?\u201d You know?\u2014and, \u201cHe never follows through. I mean, why is it we have to constantly remind this kid to do \u2018x,\u2019 \u2018y,\u2019 and \u2018z\u2019?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, what\u2019s behind that step-parent\u2019s complaint?\u2014a heart for the child\u2014they want a good thing\u2014want the kid to learn responsibility, and grow up, and do well. But what they said was, \u201cYour son\u2019s lazy,\u201d\u2014at least, that\u2019s what the bio-parent hears. Then, you react to that with: \u201cOh, you\u2019re telling me I\u2019ve done a bad job parenting my kids all these years,\u201d and, \u201cYou\u2019re telling me I\u2019m bad\u2014not only is my kid bad\u2014but I\u2019m bad,\u201d\u2014the defensiveness; right? It\u2019s just one of those things\u2014you have to put that barometer on your heart. You have to measure your own level of defensiveness. You have to catch it. That\u2019s it\u2014you have to catch it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do we stop being defensive? <em>You don\u2019t stop being defensive<\/em>\u2014you catch it. You just catch it and not let it dictate who you are and how you respond. That\u2019s the hard part. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPray about it\u2014talk to the Lord about it: \u201cGod, give me that insight into what\u2019s going on with me in that moment when they say something and it\u2019s true. I know he doesn\u2019t get out of bed. He kind of drives me crazy too. But in that moment, all I can say is, \u2018Why are you picking on my kid? It\u2019s okay.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s really the risk for bio-parents, in that moment: agree with your spouse. \u201cAaah! But if I do that, they\u2019re going to think my kid\u2019s horrible. They\u2019re never going to love my kid, and then we\u2019re never going to blend as a family. If we can\u2019t blend\u2014if I can\u2019t control my spouse\u2019s emotions towards my kid\u2014then we\u2019re never going to come together as a family! So what I have to do is I have to defend my child to my spouse, above all other options, so that my spouse will actually like my kid.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt doesn\u2019t work! Feel free to have at it, but that <em>always<\/em> gets you more of an insider sticking with insiders\u2014pushing out the outsider\u2014than it ever does the very thing you\u2019re wanting\u2014and that\u2019s bringing people together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour defensiveness is a trap to sabotage the very thing you\u2019re striving for. You just have to put a barometer on it and measure it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tConsider the outsider step-parent\u2019s perspective. Have you noticed that not on all occasions, but every once in awhile, outsiders can see things insiders can\u2019t see? \u201cOh, honey, your little girl has you wrapped around her finger. You have no idea that she is playing you like crazy! I can see it a mile away.\u201d They\u2019re right! You\u2019ve been insider in that world for so long. It\u2019s so tight. It\u2019s so what it is, and it\u2019s so comfortable for you\u2014you can\u2019t see it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery once in awhile, trust their heart: \u201cI want good things for your children. I want good things for you. I want good things for us. I have goodwill in this scenario, and so I\u2019m bringing to you an observation. Can we talk about that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have to give that some credibility. Doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re <em>always<\/em> right\u2014it just means it\u2019s something worthy of listening to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, we\u2019ve been listening to the first part of a message from Ron Deal, helping step-parents. One of the things I love about what Ron has to say to [bio-parents] is\u2014your allegiance has to be to your spouse. Your children are important\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>If you give them a chance, they\u2019ll take over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They want to be number one and eradicate whoever\u2019s number two.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The best thing you can do for them is to let them know that you have a new allegiance to a new spouse and that they\u2019re not going to be able to sever that. In the long run, that message is one that will serve your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And here\u2019s what you just heard. It\u2019s described in Proverbs 24: 3-5: \u201cBy wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cA wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might. For by wise guidance you can wage your war\u2026\u201d We all need wisdom in any marriage relationship; but in a blended family, you really need the wisdom from above which is first peaceable\u2014it\u2019s full of peace. That is what Ron is equipping people to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I would just invite our listeners\u2014if any of them have a blended family ministry \/ want to think about reaching out to blended families in their church \/ their community\u2014come join us at the Blended and Blessed Summit. Greg Smalley from <em>Focus on the Family <\/em>is going to be speaking. We are thrilled to link arms with them and making this available. It is going to be a great time. You thoroughly are going to be equipped to address the needs of blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thursday and Friday, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup> at Immanuel Bible Church in Springfield, Virginia, just outside Washington, DC. As you said, this is for lay men and women who are interested in helping blended families. It\u2019s for pastors who want to see a blended-family ministry get started in your church. It\u2019s for those who are already engaged in blended family ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You click in the upper-left hand corner of the page where it says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d You\u2019ll find a link to the Blended and Blessed conference. Dennis and I are going to be there\u2014Greg Smalley from <em>Focus on the Family<\/em> is going to be joining us. We have a great day-and-a-half mapped out. Again, get details, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to find out more about the Blended and Blessed conference for blended families October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup> in Washington, DC.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is also information on our website about Ron Deal\u2019s newly-revised updated and expanded book, <em>The Smart Step-family<\/em>. About half of this book is brand-new. It\u2019s just now out. You can find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, Ron is going to be joining us at the upcoming <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> one-day marriage events happening in Chicago on August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>, Portland on August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>, and Washington, DC, on October 4<sup>th<\/sup>. We\u2019d love to have <em>you<\/em> be a part of this <em>I Still Do<\/em> one-day celebration for marriage. Find out more, online, at IStillDo.com or call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we are grateful for those listeners who are responsible for making <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible. You know who you are\u2014you may be a Legacy Partner or maybe you get in touch with us on occasion to help contribute to this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere we are\u2014almost to the halfway point in 2014\u2014\u201cThank you to those of you who have made the first half of this year possible.\u201d We\u2019d like to ask you to make the second half possible, as well, by making a donation today. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE,\u201d in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, and make an online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation. Or you can write a check and mail it to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Our mailing address is P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. And our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you do get in touch with us, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by making available to you the <em>FamilyLife Bible Study for Couples<\/em>. This is designed for the two of you to go through together, or with other couples, to help you understand more about God\u2019s design for marriage. That is our thank-you gift when you make an online donation at FamilyLifeToday.com or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate over the phone\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tjust ask for the Bible study for couples\u2014or again, you can write a check to us. If you need our mailing address, go online or give us a call. We\u2019ll be happy to pass that on to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we hope you can be back with us. We\u2019re going to hear Part Two of Ron Deal\u2019s message on how to strengthen your relationship between you and your step-children. That comes up tomorrow. Hope you can join us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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