{"id":303035,"date":"2014-05-02T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-05-02T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/navigating-a-difficult-conversation\/"},"modified":"2014-05-02T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-05-02T15:00:00","slug":"navigating-a-difficult-conversation","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/navigating-a-difficult-conversation\/","title":{"rendered":"Navigating a Difficult Conversation"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Tim Muehlhoff offers some communication tips for navigating a difficult conversation.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-05-02.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"28.77M","filesize_raw":"30164643","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2848,2821],"tags":[4527],"podcast_series":[8010],"cwp_profile":[3245],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303035","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-cultural-issues","category-reaching-out","tag-communication","podcast_series-i-beg-to-differ","cwp_profile-tim-muehlhoff","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303035\/navigating-a-difficult-conversation","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303035\/navigating-a-difficult-conversation","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"N56F3BtONa\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/navigating-a-difficult-conversation\/\">Navigating a Difficult Conversation<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/navigating-a-difficult-conversation\/embed\/#?secret=N56F3BtONa\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Navigating a Difficult Conversation&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"N56F3BtONa\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-05-02.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-05-02.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The Bible tells us we\u2019re to speak the truth in love. Tim Muehlhoff says, \u201cIt\u2019s also good to know: \u2018When is the right time to be speaking the truth in love?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>The book of Proverbs says, \u201cThe heart of the righteous weighs its answers.\u201d\u00a0 In the Hebrew, that phrase \u201cweighs\u201d\u2014it means to study. So, I need to study that other person to know\u2014with this person, at this time, under these conditions: \u201cWhat is the one thing I want to say?\u201d and it could be really crucial what that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, May 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll spend some time today talking about our talking\u2014how we can do a better job of expressing ourselves and listening to one another in marriage. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Have you and Barbara ever had the same conversation over, and over, and over again\u2014a few times?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I refer to it as going down a dark alley and getting mugged. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Again and again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Again, and again, and again. You know, after you\u2019ve been down that alley a few times, you recognize it\u2014you\u2019ve been there. It is like, \u201cWhy are we still dealing with this?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We find ourselves, sometimes, in marriage at odds with one another. We just don\u2019t think alike on something; and we think, \u201cMaybe, if we just talked about it, we would get to a place of understanding.\u201d\u00a0 Yet, every time we sit down to talk about it, all we get to is a place of further entrenchment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But I think we have somebody who is going to help us with that; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He is. I also say that this happened with our teenagers when we were raising them. I compare that\u2014not to a dark alley\u2014but to mud wrestling\u2014[Laughter] \u2014that the goal of a teenager is to get the parent in the mud puddle and to be mud wrestling with them\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Mess you up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014with emotions completely in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThus, the teenager is in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, if you\u2019d like help with dark alleys and with mud wrestling, we have a guy who has a doctorate in both. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Both of those. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, how about that for an introduction, Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That was awesome!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tim Muehlhoff joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back, Tim. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tim and his wife, Noreen, speak at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. They have three children\u2014live in Southern California. Tim is the Associate Professor of Communications at Biola University. And he\u2019s written a book called <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>. It\u2019s talking about a disagreement or navigating a difficult conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou had one of those conversations with your mud wrestlers in your house; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>[Laughter] Your teenagers?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes, if anybody has teenagers, you know it is professional mud wrestling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was at a FamilyLife marriage conference, listening to another speaker. He said, \u201cI have an idea. Go home and ask your kids, \u2018What\u2019s one thing that they would want to change about you?\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I did. I went home; and I said, \u201cBoys, if you could change one thing about Dad, what would you change?\u201d\u00a0 Three hands shot up immediately. I said, \u201cDo you want time to think about this?\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 They said, \u201cNo. I\u2019ve got mine. No.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cOkay.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhat is it?\u201d\u00a0 All three of them, in unison\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was unanimous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014unanimous\u2014\u201cYou yell too much.\u201d\u00a0 I was like, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s hard to hear.\u201d\u00a0 My dad was a yeller, growing up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, did you yell back at them?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I was. I said, \u201cWhat do you mean?!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 Now, where we talked about listening to evaluate and listening to understand\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014it is <em>really<\/em> hard not to go to the evaluation part of it; but I said, \u201cOkay, that was hard to hear. Tell me why.\u201d\u00a0 And it had to do with all the perpetual conversations we\u2019d had\u2014and stuff not being cleaned, dinner plates left in the sink, grass not mowed, recycling\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The same conversations over, and over, and over again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes, over and over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was the garbage can at our house. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes\u2014all the time. John Gottman, one of the top marriage researchers, says: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSixty-seven percent of all your conflict is perpetual,\u201d which means it is going to stay with you in one form or another. Now, that\u2019s kind of discouraging. So, we better have a strategy how to handle the 67 percent. We better know: \u201cWhen this topic comes up again,\u201d\u2014in-laws, finances, parenting, or over-commitment\u2014\u201cwe better have a strategy how to address it.\u201d\u00a0 It won\u2019t make it go away, but it might make it more effective. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, did you quit yelling at your boys?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It took every ounce of spiritual control not to get defensive. I said: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Let Dad think about this.\u201d\u00a0 So, we took the night. I thought about it, prayed about it. Came back and said: \u201cI\u2019m going to try to yell less, but answer a question for me: Why does Dad yell?\u00a0 Don\u2019t answer now. You take the night.\u201d\u00a0 So, they did. The next day, one of them, my middle son, said, \u201cBecause it works.\u201d\u00a0 I said: \u201cYou\u2019re right. It does. Mom and I are <em>so frustrated<\/em> that the only way I get your attention sometimes and get you to do what I want you to do is to yell. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI don\u2019t want to do that. So, we have to get a compromise here.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCompromise, in Latin, means \u201ca middle way.\u201d\u00a0 So, we had to find a middle way of dealing with what has come up over, and over, and over again in our house. That\u2019s why I wrote the book. I wrote the book to say: \u201cI don\u2019t want to get rid of the relationship with my wife. I just want to know how to tackle the hard conversations that seem to come up fairly regularly,\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want to get rid of this employee or co-worker because I love the job and I actually love the job he or she is doing; but how do I talk about this in such a way that it will be positive\u2014not negative?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, what you talk about in the book are four questions that, if we properly ask them and take the time to truly answer them, they\u2019ll result in two things: They\u2019ll help us navigate difficult conversations, <em>and <\/em>you\u2019ll end up with a strategy that will get you out the mud hole or the dark alley. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It\u2019s a strategy for understanding. All of these questions come from the book of Proverbs. As I read the book of Proverbs, I was struck by one verse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe verse said, \u201cWhen a man\u2019s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.\u201d\u00a0 I think that\u2019s fascinating. Is it possible that that person still will be an enemy?\u00a0 Yes, but it\u2019s also possible to live at peace with that person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI began to think, \u201cWell, what are the things the book of Proverbs is suggesting that I could have a civil conversation with a person?\u201d\u2014doesn\u2019t mean that the issue is going to go away or we\u2019ll ultimately agree. I wanted to add peace back into it and civility. So, that\u2019s why I think <em>Beg to Differ<\/em> is the title. <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>, which is a charitable response to something that you and I disagree with. Instead of saying, \u201cI disagree\u201d; I\u2019d rather say: \u201cI beg to differ. May I differ with you on this particular issue?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the very first question, to me, is: \u201cWhat does this person believe?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s based on Proverbs 18:13. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Say that again, slower. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cWhat does this person believe?\u201d\u00a0 Now, what are you getting at there?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, I <em>assume<\/em> that I already know what you believe; right?\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re going to talk about finances again. My goodness!\u00a0 I could <em>do<\/em> your argument for you\u2014I\u2019ve heard it so many times, and I just disagree with that.\u201d\u00a0 So, we often head into a conversation with \u201cme\u201d\u2014this isn\u2019t going to be a dialogue\u2014it\u2019s a monologue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not a dialogue because I <em>know <\/em>exactly what you\u2019re going to say, and I disagree with you. So, I\u2019m going to incorporate the strategy of saying my perspective, one more time\u2014a little bit louder \/ a little bit <em>firmer<\/em>. Maybe, I stopped at Kinko\u2019s and got some colored charts that I can go do a flip wheel to: \u201cShow you how you\u2019re wrong because\u2026\u201d\u2014that\u2019s our strategy. I\u2019m just going to be <em>more <\/em>dogmatic. Now, you realize: \u201cOh, Tim is <em>really<\/em> serious about this. He must be right.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, now, I step in and I say, \u201cI want to hear again what you believe about this issue\u2014just give me the facts of what you believe.\u201d\u00a0 The book of Proverbs says, \u201cHe who speaks before listening\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cit is folly and shame to that person.\u201d\u00a0 I think both of those are really interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we get the folly part. There are some times when Noreen and I are arguing. She\u2019ll say to me, \u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant!\u201d\u00a0 My response is, \u201cYes, but if it was\u2026\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what I\u2014that\u2019s how I would have responded. [Laughter]\u00a0 So, the folly part, I think, we get! The shame part is very interesting\u2014shame in the fact that: \u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re worth listening to\u2014I don\u2019t think it\u2019s worth it for me to acknowledge you because I\u2019m so far above you and my perspective is superior to your perspective.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the very first thing I say to a person is, \u201cOkay, tell me what it is you believe about this issue.\u201d\u00a0 It could be abortion. It could be same-sex marriage. It could be finances. It could be being over-committed at work. \u201cSo, tell me what you think about it. I want to hear your side of it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s pretty critical because, as you were talking about this first step of listening to another person\u2019s perspective and listening carefully, I was thinking about, \u201cThat\u2019s what I used to do when we did debate in high school.\u201d\u00a0 I listened to what the other side was saying; and all the time, I was jotting down notes\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because I\u2019m getting ready for them to say, \u201cYour turn.\u201d\u00a0 Then, I was ready to come back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But you weren\u2019t listening to understand, at that point. You were listening to evaluate and find the weak spot. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was, and I carried that into my marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when Mary Ann and I first got married, I said: \u201cSo, tell me what you are thinking. I want to hear what you are thinking.\u201d\u00a0 And all the time, I\u2019m just kind of jotting down\u2014I\u2019m making little mental notes about the flaws in her argument. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I remember distinctly a Saturday morning when we were having one of these \u201cJust tell me what you are thinking\u201d kind of conversations. When I started coming back, she got up, and walked into the bedroom, and locked the door. She ended the conversation in the middle. I was just trying to respond back; but she recognized: \u201cThis was not a healthy conversation. This was a\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201ca debate.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cdebate.\u201d\u00a0 So, when we are listening, we have to be listening with the right attitude in our listening; don\u2019t we?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And Bob, go back to what we were talking about\u2014high-road \/ low-road. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>So, if I\u2019m listening to you, and I\u2019m angry and defensive, all of that emotional contagion is bleeding onto you. You\u2019re becoming angry and defensive right back at me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Anger breeds anger. Sarcasm breeds sarcasm. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Insult breeds insult; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. And a generous spirit will be matched by a generous spirit. My working to understand you is a great compliment. You pick up on that and you say: \u201cOkay. Do I really have the freedom to tell you what I think here and not be judged immediately?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And I want to say, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 Even though some of that is going to be hard to hear, I do want to hear what you have to say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, assuming we can do that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014which is spiritual\u2014which goes back to the first part of the book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Goes back to: \u201cIs our heart in the right place, at the very beginning?\u00a0 Are we walking with Christ?\u201d\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014because we are not talking about just tweaking your behavior. We\u2019re talking\u2014it\u2019s got to come from inside. But let\u2019s assume that we can get a husband and a wife, who would say: \u201cOkay, I genuinely want to try to understand where you are coming from\u2014to hear what you\u2019re thinking. I\u2019m not going to get into debate-mode.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019ve now shared that information. What do we do next?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>The second question is even more important than the first one. The second is not asking, \u201cWhat do you believe?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s asking, \u201c<em>Why<\/em> do you believe this?\u201d\u00a0 The book of Proverbs says that \u201cThere is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.\u201d\u00a0 So, we like to jump in and say, \u201cSee how your position will lead to death?\u201d\u00a0 But the first part of the Proverb says, \u201cThere is a way that seems right to a person.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, my wife tells me, \u201cI think our finances are spiraling out of control.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s question one: \u201cWhat do you believe?\u201d\u00a0 Question two: \u201cWhy do you believe that?\u201d and, \u201cWhy is this so important to you?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s so good to get the backstory\u2014to know where all this emotion and conviction is coming from. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We tell people, as they sit down and read their Bibles: \u201cThe passage that you are reading has a context;\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand if you are going to understand this passage, you need to understand the context in which it comes. Otherwise, you\u2019ll get some bad theology if you don\u2019t take the context into account.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s really what we\u2019re saying here about a marriage relationship. When your wife says something \/ when your husband says something, there is a context there. If you don\u2019t understand the context, you\u2019ll get a wrong interpretation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. Okay, we\u2019ve got two questions nailed here: \u201cWhat does the other person believe?\u201d \u201cWhat do they think about this? Why do they hold that belief?\u201d\u00a0 The third question is \u201cWhere do we agree?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>The most controversial of all the questions. We view agreement as condoning. So, if I agree with you, then, I\u2019m condoning your perspective. As Christians, let me just say: \u201cWe are particularly horrible at this. We tend to look at things in very black and white ways\u2014to say, \u2018We\u2019re right, and you\u2019re wrong.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI kind of duped my students one day. I gave an assignment to them. There is a historian that ranks the 100 most influential people in human history. So, I give them the top ten; but it\u2019s jumbled. I don\u2019t tell them what his top ten is in order. I just give them the top ten people. They have to go home and rank it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they come back, you can imagine what the ranking is. Jesus is number one\u2014then, whomever after that. Well, then, I show them what his is. Jesus is third. Sir Isaac Newton is second. Muhammad is number one. You can imagine the reaction from my Bible students; right?\u00a0 There like: \u201cNo way God got bronze!\u00a0 There is no way!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 And they just go after it. I say: \u201cWhoa, stop. Guys! What have we not done?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat they didn\u2019t do is\u2014questions one, two, and three. Question two is: \u201cWhy would this person believe it?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Find out what his criteria was by which to rank these individuals. Very quickly, this is what he says\u2014he says: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen, of course, religion is important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLiterally, six of my top ten are religious figures; but it\u2019s not just religion. Imagine life without science. So, the top two\u2014one is going to be religious and one is going to be science because we have to acknowledge both. Please understand, Jesus is incredibly important; but there is also Paul, who came in at number five. So, Paul, like <em>American Idol<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, siphons some of the votes away from Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMuhammad said he was political leader, military leader, and religious leader. Jesus just said He is a religious leader. So, in my ranking, I\u2019m going to put Jesus number three because I put Paul number five. I\u2019m going to give a nod to science with Sir Isaac Newton; and Muhammad, as a multi-faceted leader, gets the number-one ranking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, you may still disagree with his ranking; but now, you have a context for why he ranked it that way; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes!\u00a0 I\u2019ve had students say, \u201cI agree with his ranking.\u201d\u00a0 But isn\u2019t that important to say, \u201cListen, I do agree with your ranking, based on <em>your <\/em>criteria;\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cbut can I challenge your criteria?\u201d That\u2019s question number four. Question number three is: \u201cJust see where you agree with this historian.\u201d \u201cJust tell your spouse, \u2018Honey, concerning finances, here is where I agree with you.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, first thing we do\u2014we <em>force<\/em> ourselves to find points of agreement and, then, move toward points of disagreement. We often flip it\u2014we start where we disagree. Then any hope of forging common ground is obliterated because we start with disagreements. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And it\u2019s really brilliant that you move to agreement before you move to establishing a plan of how you are going to move forward because the person feels affirmed, valued, understood, and feels like: \u201cHe\u2019s on my page. He\u2019s listening to me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And if it\u2019s just a rhetorical trick, then, shame on us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>In other words, if I\u2019m just agreeing with you because I really want to get to the disagreement\u2014\u201cThis is going to grease the rails,\u201d\u2014then, I don\u2019t think we are being an authentic communicator. So, we can find agreement; but often, we view that as, somehow,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014giving away the ranch and \u201cI\u2019m conceding way too much.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo, that agreement will really open that person up to receive what you want to say, which is the next question\u2014the last question, which is based on this knowledge\u2014everything you just learned from the first three questions: \u201cWhat is the one thing I should say?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, notice, it is <em>one<\/em> thing\u2014not five. I might want to say fifteen things to you after listening to you talk about finances or talking about Islam, but I have to prioritize it. We call that agenda setting. I like this phrase that I put in the book: \u201cWith this person, at this time, under these conditions, what is the one thing I want to say?\u201d\u00a0 By the way, that one thing might not be disagreement. We often get really impatient, which we call, \u201cagenda anxiety.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can imagine\u2014you\u2019ve wanted to talk to your spouse about sexual intimacy and you\u2019ve wanted to do this forever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFinally, it comes up: \u201cOh my goodness!\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019ve been thinking about this and praying about this for years. Now, there are, literally, ten things you want to say to your spouse, whether it is a good time or not, because we don\u2019t know if this will ever come up again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe blow this with our kids all the time when, on the rare chance, they actually ask our opinion about something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim: <\/strong>And we decide we are going to give our opinion about <em>everything<\/em> because they\u2019ve never asked for our opinion. No wonder our kids will roll their eyes and think: \u201cWow, I will never go do that again. I just got lectured at.\u201d\u00a0 So, we have to be very careful. The book of Proverbs says, \u201cThe heart of the righteous weighs its answers.\u201d\u00a0 In the Hebrew, that phrase, \u201cweighs\u201d\u2014it means to study. I need to study that other person to know: \u201cWhat is the next one thing I should say?\u201d It could be really crucial what that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, what are you going to do, with that listener, right now, who is in a relationship with a very contentious person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014maybe, even an evil person?\u00a0 It\u2019s not someone who is in a peer relationship, where they, too, are going to try to do the right thing. They are digging their heels in; and no matter how kind this person is to that other person, it doesn\u2019t seem to get anywhere \/ go anywhere. It just seems like a negative outcome. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, let\u2019s separate it. Contentious and evil are two different things. I would have different advice toward that person, based on if they were evil. I\u2019d probably tell the listener, \u201cYou need to get separation from that person.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let\u2019s say that person is contentious. Well, I wouldn\u2019t advocate, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about finances for the 80<sup>th<\/sup> time,\u201d because you already know where that\u2019s going to go. It\u2019s going to end with that person yelling at you. I would step back and address the communication climate that we talked about. I would think about what the Apostle Paul has to say. When your enemy is hungry\u2014do what?\u2014feed him. When he is thirsty\u2014do what?\u2014give him something to drink. And Paul says, \u201cThe burning coals of the Holy Spirit will be placed upon that person\u2019s head.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong><br><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would continue to be kind to that person, as Peter would say\u2014I\u2019d bless that person when you feel insulted. Why?\u00a0 The Holy Spirit is going to get involved and work on that person\u2019s heart through your kind actions; but again, we\u2019re back to the first part of the book. That\u2019s a spiritual issue. That\u2019s not a communication theory issue. That\u2019s a spiritual issue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I really think that\u2019s a nice summary of what we are talking about here because all of these questions that you\u2019ve outlined \/ all of the coaching that you\u2019ve given us presume that our heart is right\u2014that we are walking with Christ, and that He\u2019s having a transforming impact on our lives. If that\u2019s not happening, then, all you are doing is patching up the woodwork; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And that leads me really, Bob, where I wanted to go here. For each listener, think about what Tim has shared about these questions. I want you to think about some person with whom you\u2019ve got a disagreement or something that\u2019s going on that has put you at odds with each other. Ask God: \u201cWhat is [my] step?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIs it the first question of finding out what they believe?\u00a0 Is it another one, in terms, of why they believe that?\u00a0 What\u2019s going on in their lives?\u201d It may be they need to get a copy of Tim\u2019s book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to really dig into this. I just want to say about his book: \u201cIt\u2019s really thorough. It\u2019s not just scholarly. It\u2019s anchored in the Scripture. It\u2019s excellent. I think it will equip a lot of people who have been stuck in an emotional rut and in conflicts they didn\u2019t know how to get out of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim, I appreciate your writing it. It\u2019s been\u2014it\u2019s a great gift to the Christian community. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and I\u2019d just say, too, if you find yourself stuck in the same conversation over and over again, get a copy of the book and read through it on your own with a highlighter. Then, at the end of reading the book, go to your spouse and say: \u201cI just finished reading this book. It identified two, or three, or four, or five things that I realize I could do a better job at when we communicate.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpell out for your spouse what those two, or three, or four, or five things are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, don\u2019t, at the end of the conversation, say, \u201cSo, now, it\u2019s your turn to read the book.\u201d\u00a0 Let\u2019s see if God will prompt them to do that, as well. But get a copy of Tim Muehlhoff\u2019s book, <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button in the upper left-hand corner that says, \u201cGo Deeper.\u201d\u00a0 All the information you need about how to get a copy of Tim\u2019s book is available right there. You can order from us, online\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com is our website. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, the website has just gotten a new makeover\u2014looks really good. The team has done a nice job. We\u2019d love your feedback. We\u2019d love to know what you think. We hope that it provides you with easier access to articles that are available online\u2014past editions of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, going back ten years \/ other resources and materials we have available. Again, check it out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order Tim\u2019s book, <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em> from our website;<em>\u2014<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329. Ask about the book, <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>. We\u2019ll make arrangements to have a copy of it sent to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I don\u2019t know if you and your family have any special summer plans; but for most of us, we try to look for some time in the summer when we can do something special together, as a family\u2014maybe meet up with family members who live in other parts of the country or some kind of a family vacation. The point is that during summertime our regular routine is often interrupted. We wind up doing things that are a little out of the ordinary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd one of the implications of that, for a ministry like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, is we tend to see a decrease in financial support for the ministry. Our bills stay the same during the summer; but the donations we receive from listeners, like you, dip down a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry who have come to us and said:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe\u2019d like to help you guys get ready for summer by providing for you a matching-gift and encouraging your listeners to help you build up a surplus as you head into the summer months.\u201d\u00a0 They have made available a grant of $350,000, provided we receive matching funds from listeners between now and Father\u2019s Day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, we\u2019re asking you if you would consider, today, making a one-time donation to help us make sure we can cover all of our costs this summer. When you do, your donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI Care,\u201d on our website. Make your donation online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make your donation over the phone. Or you can mail a check. Our mailing address is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at Post Office Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. The zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday. Our friend, Jim Daly, from <em>Focus on the Family<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, is going to be here. We\u2019re going to talk about a movie that <em>Focus on the Family<\/em> is going to have in local theaters next Tuesday night. It\u2019s a movie called <em>Irreplaceable<\/em>, and it\u2019s all about families. We\u2019ll talk about the movie Monday. Hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["28.77M"],"filesize_raw":["30164643"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303035.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303035.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Muehlhoff offers some communication tips for navigating a difficult conversation.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-05-02.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The Bible tells us we\u2019re to speak the truth in love. Tim Muehlhoff says, \u201cIt\u2019s also good to know: \u2018When is the right time to be speaking the truth in love?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>The book of Proverbs says, \u201cThe heart of the righteous weighs its answers.\u201d\u00a0 In the Hebrew, that phrase \u201cweighs\u201d\u2014it means to study. So, I need to study that other person to know\u2014with this person, at this time, under these conditions: \u201cWhat is the one thing I want to say?\u201d and it could be really crucial what that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, May 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll spend some time today talking about our talking\u2014how we can do a better job of expressing ourselves and listening to one another in marriage. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Have you and Barbara ever had the same conversation over, and over, and over again\u2014a few times?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I refer to it as going down a dark alley and getting mugged. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Again and again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Again, and again, and again. You know, after you\u2019ve been down that alley a few times, you recognize it\u2014you\u2019ve been there. It is like, \u201cWhy are we still dealing with this?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We find ourselves, sometimes, in marriage at odds with one another. We just don\u2019t think alike on something; and we think, \u201cMaybe, if we just talked about it, we would get to a place of understanding.\u201d\u00a0 Yet, every time we sit down to talk about it, all we get to is a place of further entrenchment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But I think we have somebody who is going to help us with that; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He is. I also say that this happened with our teenagers when we were raising them. I compare that\u2014not to a dark alley\u2014but to mud wrestling\u2014[Laughter] \u2014that the goal of a teenager is to get the parent in the mud puddle and to be mud wrestling with them\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Mess you up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014with emotions completely in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThus, the teenager is in control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, if you\u2019d like help with dark alleys and with mud wrestling, we have a guy who has a doctorate in both. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Both of those. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, how about that for an introduction, Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That was awesome!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tim Muehlhoff joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back, Tim. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tim and his wife, Noreen, speak at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. They have three children\u2014live in Southern California. Tim is the Associate Professor of Communications at Biola University. And he\u2019s written a book called <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>. It\u2019s talking about a disagreement or navigating a difficult conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou had one of those conversations with your mud wrestlers in your house; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>[Laughter] Your teenagers?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes, if anybody has teenagers, you know it is professional mud wrestling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was at a FamilyLife marriage conference, listening to another speaker. He said, \u201cI have an idea. Go home and ask your kids, \u2018What\u2019s one thing that they would want to change about you?\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I did. I went home; and I said, \u201cBoys, if you could change one thing about Dad, what would you change?\u201d\u00a0 Three hands shot up immediately. I said, \u201cDo you want time to think about this?\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 They said, \u201cNo. I\u2019ve got mine. No.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cOkay.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhat is it?\u201d\u00a0 All three of them, in unison\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was unanimous. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014unanimous\u2014\u201cYou yell too much.\u201d\u00a0 I was like, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s hard to hear.\u201d\u00a0 My dad was a yeller, growing up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, did you yell back at them?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I was. I said, \u201cWhat do you mean?!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 Now, where we talked about listening to evaluate and listening to understand\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014it is <em>really<\/em> hard not to go to the evaluation part of it; but I said, \u201cOkay, that was hard to hear. Tell me why.\u201d\u00a0 And it had to do with all the perpetual conversations we\u2019d had\u2014and stuff not being cleaned, dinner plates left in the sink, grass not mowed, recycling\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The same conversations over, and over, and over again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes, over and over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was the garbage can at our house. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes\u2014all the time. John Gottman, one of the top marriage researchers, says: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSixty-seven percent of all your conflict is perpetual,\u201d which means it is going to stay with you in one form or another. Now, that\u2019s kind of discouraging. So, we better have a strategy how to handle the 67 percent. We better know: \u201cWhen this topic comes up again,\u201d\u2014in-laws, finances, parenting, or over-commitment\u2014\u201cwe better have a strategy how to address it.\u201d\u00a0 It won\u2019t make it go away, but it might make it more effective. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, did you quit yelling at your boys?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It took every ounce of spiritual control not to get defensive. I said: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Let Dad think about this.\u201d\u00a0 So, we took the night. I thought about it, prayed about it. Came back and said: \u201cI\u2019m going to try to yell less, but answer a question for me: Why does Dad yell?\u00a0 Don\u2019t answer now. You take the night.\u201d\u00a0 So, they did. The next day, one of them, my middle son, said, \u201cBecause it works.\u201d\u00a0 I said: \u201cYou\u2019re right. It does. Mom and I are <em>so frustrated<\/em> that the only way I get your attention sometimes and get you to do what I want you to do is to yell. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI don\u2019t want to do that. So, we have to get a compromise here.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCompromise, in Latin, means \u201ca middle way.\u201d\u00a0 So, we had to find a middle way of dealing with what has come up over, and over, and over again in our house. That\u2019s why I wrote the book. I wrote the book to say: \u201cI don\u2019t want to get rid of the relationship with my wife. I just want to know how to tackle the hard conversations that seem to come up fairly regularly,\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want to get rid of this employee or co-worker because I love the job and I actually love the job he or she is doing; but how do I talk about this in such a way that it will be positive\u2014not negative?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, what you talk about in the book are four questions that, if we properly ask them and take the time to truly answer them, they\u2019ll result in two things: They\u2019ll help us navigate difficult conversations, <em>and <\/em>you\u2019ll end up with a strategy that will get you out the mud hole or the dark alley. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It\u2019s a strategy for understanding. All of these questions come from the book of Proverbs. As I read the book of Proverbs, I was struck by one verse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe verse said, \u201cWhen a man\u2019s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.\u201d\u00a0 I think that\u2019s fascinating. Is it possible that that person still will be an enemy?\u00a0 Yes, but it\u2019s also possible to live at peace with that person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI began to think, \u201cWell, what are the things the book of Proverbs is suggesting that I could have a civil conversation with a person?\u201d\u2014doesn\u2019t mean that the issue is going to go away or we\u2019ll ultimately agree. I wanted to add peace back into it and civility. So, that\u2019s why I think <em>Beg to Differ<\/em> is the title. <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>, which is a charitable response to something that you and I disagree with. Instead of saying, \u201cI disagree\u201d; I\u2019d rather say: \u201cI beg to differ. May I differ with you on this particular issue?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the very first question, to me, is: \u201cWhat does this person believe?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s based on Proverbs 18:13. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Say that again, slower. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cWhat does this person believe?\u201d\u00a0 Now, what are you getting at there?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, I <em>assume<\/em> that I already know what you believe; right?\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re going to talk about finances again. My goodness!\u00a0 I could <em>do<\/em> your argument for you\u2014I\u2019ve heard it so many times, and I just disagree with that.\u201d\u00a0 So, we often head into a conversation with \u201cme\u201d\u2014this isn\u2019t going to be a dialogue\u2014it\u2019s a monologue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not a dialogue because I <em>know <\/em>exactly what you\u2019re going to say, and I disagree with you. So, I\u2019m going to incorporate the strategy of saying my perspective, one more time\u2014a little bit louder \/ a little bit <em>firmer<\/em>. Maybe, I stopped at Kinko\u2019s and got some colored charts that I can go do a flip wheel to: \u201cShow you how you\u2019re wrong because\u2026\u201d\u2014that\u2019s our strategy. I\u2019m just going to be <em>more <\/em>dogmatic. Now, you realize: \u201cOh, Tim is <em>really<\/em> serious about this. He must be right.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, now, I step in and I say, \u201cI want to hear again what you believe about this issue\u2014just give me the facts of what you believe.\u201d\u00a0 The book of Proverbs says, \u201cHe who speaks before listening\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cit is folly and shame to that person.\u201d\u00a0 I think both of those are really interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we get the folly part. There are some times when Noreen and I are arguing. She\u2019ll say to me, \u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant!\u201d\u00a0 My response is, \u201cYes, but if it was\u2026\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what I\u2014that\u2019s how I would have responded. [Laughter]\u00a0 So, the folly part, I think, we get! The shame part is very interesting\u2014shame in the fact that: \u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re worth listening to\u2014I don\u2019t think it\u2019s worth it for me to acknowledge you because I\u2019m so far above you and my perspective is superior to your perspective.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the very first thing I say to a person is, \u201cOkay, tell me what it is you believe about this issue.\u201d\u00a0 It could be abortion. It could be same-sex marriage. It could be finances. It could be being over-committed at work. \u201cSo, tell me what you think about it. I want to hear your side of it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s pretty critical because, as you were talking about this first step of listening to another person\u2019s perspective and listening carefully, I was thinking about, \u201cThat\u2019s what I used to do when we did debate in high school.\u201d\u00a0 I listened to what the other side was saying; and all the time, I was jotting down notes\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because I\u2019m getting ready for them to say, \u201cYour turn.\u201d\u00a0 Then, I was ready to come back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But you weren\u2019t listening to understand, at that point. You were listening to evaluate and find the weak spot. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was, and I carried that into my marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when Mary Ann and I first got married, I said: \u201cSo, tell me what you are thinking. I want to hear what you are thinking.\u201d\u00a0 And all the time, I\u2019m just kind of jotting down\u2014I\u2019m making little mental notes about the flaws in her argument. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I remember distinctly a Saturday morning when we were having one of these \u201cJust tell me what you are thinking\u201d kind of conversations. When I started coming back, she got up, and walked into the bedroom, and locked the door. She ended the conversation in the middle. I was just trying to respond back; but she recognized: \u201cThis was not a healthy conversation. This was a\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201ca debate.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cdebate.\u201d\u00a0 So, when we are listening, we have to be listening with the right attitude in our listening; don\u2019t we?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And Bob, go back to what we were talking about\u2014high-road \/ low-road. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>So, if I\u2019m listening to you, and I\u2019m angry and defensive, all of that emotional contagion is bleeding onto you. You\u2019re becoming angry and defensive right back at me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Anger breeds anger. Sarcasm breeds sarcasm. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Insult breeds insult; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. And a generous spirit will be matched by a generous spirit. My working to understand you is a great compliment. You pick up on that and you say: \u201cOkay. Do I really have the freedom to tell you what I think here and not be judged immediately?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And I want to say, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 Even though some of that is going to be hard to hear, I do want to hear what you have to say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, assuming we can do that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014which is spiritual\u2014which goes back to the first part of the book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Goes back to: \u201cIs our heart in the right place, at the very beginning?\u00a0 Are we walking with Christ?\u201d\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014because we are not talking about just tweaking your behavior. We\u2019re talking\u2014it\u2019s got to come from inside. But let\u2019s assume that we can get a husband and a wife, who would say: \u201cOkay, I genuinely want to try to understand where you are coming from\u2014to hear what you\u2019re thinking. I\u2019m not going to get into debate-mode.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019ve now shared that information. What do we do next?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>The second question is even more important than the first one. The second is not asking, \u201cWhat do you believe?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s asking, \u201c<em>Why<\/em> do you believe this?\u201d\u00a0 The book of Proverbs says that \u201cThere is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.\u201d\u00a0 So, we like to jump in and say, \u201cSee how your position will lead to death?\u201d\u00a0 But the first part of the Proverb says, \u201cThere is a way that seems right to a person.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, my wife tells me, \u201cI think our finances are spiraling out of control.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s question one: \u201cWhat do you believe?\u201d\u00a0 Question two: \u201cWhy do you believe that?\u201d and, \u201cWhy is this so important to you?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s so good to get the backstory\u2014to know where all this emotion and conviction is coming from. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We tell people, as they sit down and read their Bibles: \u201cThe passage that you are reading has a context;\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand if you are going to understand this passage, you need to understand the context in which it comes. Otherwise, you\u2019ll get some bad theology if you don\u2019t take the context into account.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s really what we\u2019re saying here about a marriage relationship. When your wife says something \/ when your husband says something, there is a context there. If you don\u2019t understand the context, you\u2019ll get a wrong interpretation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. Okay, we\u2019ve got two questions nailed here: \u201cWhat does the other person believe?\u201d \u201cWhat do they think about this? Why do they hold that belief?\u201d\u00a0 The third question is \u201cWhere do we agree?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>The most controversial of all the questions. We view agreement as condoning. So, if I agree with you, then, I\u2019m condoning your perspective. As Christians, let me just say: \u201cWe are particularly horrible at this. We tend to look at things in very black and white ways\u2014to say, \u2018We\u2019re right, and you\u2019re wrong.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI kind of duped my students one day. I gave an assignment to them. There is a historian that ranks the 100 most influential people in human history. So, I give them the top ten; but it\u2019s jumbled. I don\u2019t tell them what his top ten is in order. I just give them the top ten people. They have to go home and rank it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they come back, you can imagine what the ranking is. Jesus is number one\u2014then, whomever after that. Well, then, I show them what his is. Jesus is third. Sir Isaac Newton is second. Muhammad is number one. You can imagine the reaction from my Bible students; right?\u00a0 There like: \u201cNo way God got bronze!\u00a0 There is no way!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 And they just go after it. I say: \u201cWhoa, stop. Guys! What have we not done?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat they didn\u2019t do is\u2014questions one, two, and three. Question two is: \u201cWhy would this person believe it?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Find out what his criteria was by which to rank these individuals. Very quickly, this is what he says\u2014he says: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen, of course, religion is important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLiterally, six of my top ten are religious figures; but it\u2019s not just religion. Imagine life without science. So, the top two\u2014one is going to be religious and one is going to be science because we have to acknowledge both. Please understand, Jesus is incredibly important; but there is also Paul, who came in at number five. So, Paul, like <em>American Idol<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, siphons some of the votes away from Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMuhammad said he was political leader, military leader, and religious leader. Jesus just said He is a religious leader. So, in my ranking, I\u2019m going to put Jesus number three because I put Paul number five. I\u2019m going to give a nod to science with Sir Isaac Newton; and Muhammad, as a multi-faceted leader, gets the number-one ranking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, you may still disagree with his ranking; but now, you have a context for why he ranked it that way; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes!\u00a0 I\u2019ve had students say, \u201cI agree with his ranking.\u201d\u00a0 But isn\u2019t that important to say, \u201cListen, I do agree with your ranking, based on <em>your <\/em>criteria;\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cbut can I challenge your criteria?\u201d That\u2019s question number four. Question number three is: \u201cJust see where you agree with this historian.\u201d \u201cJust tell your spouse, \u2018Honey, concerning finances, here is where I agree with you.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, first thing we do\u2014we <em>force<\/em> ourselves to find points of agreement and, then, move toward points of disagreement. We often flip it\u2014we start where we disagree. Then any hope of forging common ground is obliterated because we start with disagreements. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And it\u2019s really brilliant that you move to agreement before you move to establishing a plan of how you are going to move forward because the person feels affirmed, valued, understood, and feels like: \u201cHe\u2019s on my page. He\u2019s listening to me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And if it\u2019s just a rhetorical trick, then, shame on us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>In other words, if I\u2019m just agreeing with you because I really want to get to the disagreement\u2014\u201cThis is going to grease the rails,\u201d\u2014then, I don\u2019t think we are being an authentic communicator. So, we can find agreement; but often, we view that as, somehow,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014giving away the ranch and \u201cI\u2019m conceding way too much.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo, that agreement will really open that person up to receive what you want to say, which is the next question\u2014the last question, which is based on this knowledge\u2014everything you just learned from the first three questions: \u201cWhat is the one thing I should say?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, notice, it is <em>one<\/em> thing\u2014not five. I might want to say fifteen things to you after listening to you talk about finances or talking about Islam, but I have to prioritize it. We call that agenda setting. I like this phrase that I put in the book: \u201cWith this person, at this time, under these conditions, what is the one thing I want to say?\u201d\u00a0 By the way, that one thing might not be disagreement. We often get really impatient, which we call, \u201cagenda anxiety.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can imagine\u2014you\u2019ve wanted to talk to your spouse about sexual intimacy and you\u2019ve wanted to do this forever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFinally, it comes up: \u201cOh my goodness!\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019ve been thinking about this and praying about this for years. Now, there are, literally, ten things you want to say to your spouse, whether it is a good time or not, because we don\u2019t know if this will ever come up again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe blow this with our kids all the time when, on the rare chance, they actually ask our opinion about something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim: <\/strong>And we decide we are going to give our opinion about <em>everything<\/em> because they\u2019ve never asked for our opinion. No wonder our kids will roll their eyes and think: \u201cWow, I will never go do that again. I just got lectured at.\u201d\u00a0 So, we have to be very careful. The book of Proverbs says, \u201cThe heart of the righteous weighs its answers.\u201d\u00a0 In the Hebrew, that phrase, \u201cweighs\u201d\u2014it means to study. I need to study that other person to know: \u201cWhat is the next one thing I should say?\u201d It could be really crucial what that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, what are you going to do, with that listener, right now, who is in a relationship with a very contentious person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014maybe, even an evil person?\u00a0 It\u2019s not someone who is in a peer relationship, where they, too, are going to try to do the right thing. They are digging their heels in; and no matter how kind this person is to that other person, it doesn\u2019t seem to get anywhere \/ go anywhere. It just seems like a negative outcome. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, let\u2019s separate it. Contentious and evil are two different things. I would have different advice toward that person, based on if they were evil. I\u2019d probably tell the listener, \u201cYou need to get separation from that person.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let\u2019s say that person is contentious. Well, I wouldn\u2019t advocate, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about finances for the 80<sup>th<\/sup> time,\u201d because you already know where that\u2019s going to go. It\u2019s going to end with that person yelling at you. I would step back and address the communication climate that we talked about. I would think about what the Apostle Paul has to say. When your enemy is hungry\u2014do what?\u2014feed him. When he is thirsty\u2014do what?\u2014give him something to drink. And Paul says, \u201cThe burning coals of the Holy Spirit will be placed upon that person\u2019s head.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong><br><strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would continue to be kind to that person, as Peter would say\u2014I\u2019d bless that person when you feel insulted. Why?\u00a0 The Holy Spirit is going to get involved and work on that person\u2019s heart through your kind actions; but again, we\u2019re back to the first part of the book. That\u2019s a spiritual issue. That\u2019s not a communication theory issue. That\u2019s a spiritual issue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I really think that\u2019s a nice summary of what we are talking about here because all of these questions that you\u2019ve outlined \/ all of the coaching that you\u2019ve given us presume that our heart is right\u2014that we are walking with Christ, and that He\u2019s having a transforming impact on our lives. If that\u2019s not happening, then, all you are doing is patching up the woodwork; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And that leads me really, Bob, where I wanted to go here. For each listener, think about what Tim has shared about these questions. I want you to think about some person with whom you\u2019ve got a disagreement or something that\u2019s going on that has put you at odds with each other. Ask God: \u201cWhat is [my] step?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIs it the first question of finding out what they believe?\u00a0 Is it another one, in terms, of why they believe that?\u00a0 What\u2019s going on in their lives?\u201d It may be they need to get a copy of Tim\u2019s book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to really dig into this. I just want to say about his book: \u201cIt\u2019s really thorough. It\u2019s not just scholarly. It\u2019s anchored in the Scripture. It\u2019s excellent. I think it will equip a lot of people who have been stuck in an emotional rut and in conflicts they didn\u2019t know how to get out of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim, I appreciate your writing it. It\u2019s been\u2014it\u2019s a great gift to the Christian community. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and I\u2019d just say, too, if you find yourself stuck in the same conversation over and over again, get a copy of the book and read through it on your own with a highlighter. Then, at the end of reading the book, go to your spouse and say: \u201cI just finished reading this book. It identified two, or three, or four, or five things that I realize I could do a better job at when we communicate.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpell out for your spouse what those two, or three, or four, or five things are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, don\u2019t, at the end of the conversation, say, \u201cSo, now, it\u2019s your turn to read the book.\u201d\u00a0 Let\u2019s see if God will prompt them to do that, as well. But get a copy of Tim Muehlhoff\u2019s book, <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button in the upper left-hand corner that says, \u201cGo Deeper.\u201d\u00a0 All the information you need about how to get a copy of Tim\u2019s book is available right there. You can order from us, online\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com is our website. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, the website has just gotten a new makeover\u2014looks really good. The team has done a nice job. We\u2019d love your feedback. We\u2019d love to know what you think. We hope that it provides you with easier access to articles that are available online\u2014past editions of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, going back ten years \/ other resources and materials we have available. Again, check it out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order Tim\u2019s book, <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em> from our website;<em>\u2014<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329. Ask about the book, <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>. We\u2019ll make arrangements to have a copy of it sent to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I don\u2019t know if you and your family have any special summer plans; but for most of us, we try to look for some time in the summer when we can do something special together, as a family\u2014maybe meet up with family members who live in other parts of the country or some kind of a family vacation. The point is that during summertime our regular routine is often interrupted. We wind up doing things that are a little out of the ordinary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd one of the implications of that, for a ministry like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, is we tend to see a decrease in financial support for the ministry. Our bills stay the same during the summer; but the donations we receive from listeners, like you, dip down a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry who have come to us and said:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe\u2019d like to help you guys get ready for summer by providing for you a matching-gift and encouraging your listeners to help you build up a surplus as you head into the summer months.\u201d\u00a0 They have made available a grant of $350,000, provided we receive matching funds from listeners between now and Father\u2019s Day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, we\u2019re asking you if you would consider, today, making a one-time donation to help us make sure we can cover all of our costs this summer. When you do, your donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI Care,\u201d on our website. Make your donation online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make your donation over the phone. Or you can mail a check. Our mailing address is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at Post Office Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. The zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday. Our friend, Jim Daly, from <em>Focus on the Family<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, is going to be here. We\u2019re going to talk about a movie that <em>Focus on the Family<\/em> is going to have in local theaters next Tuesday night. It\u2019s a movie called <em>Irreplaceable<\/em>, and it\u2019s all about families. We\u2019ll talk about the movie Monday. Hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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