{"id":303033,"date":"2014-05-01T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-05-01T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/watching-your-words\/"},"modified":"2014-05-01T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-05-01T15:00:00","slug":"watching-your-words","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/watching-your-words\/","title":{"rendered":"Watching Your Words"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Tim Muehlhoff reminds us that our words are powerful and can often be misinterpreted.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-05-01.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"26.83M","filesize_raw":"28130096","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2848,2821],"tags":[4527],"podcast_series":[8010],"cwp_profile":[3245],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303033","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-cultural-issues","category-reaching-out","tag-communication","podcast_series-i-beg-to-differ","cwp_profile-tim-muehlhoff","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303033\/watching-your-words","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303033\/watching-your-words","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"P2vHKqbF5y\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/watching-your-words\/\">Watching Your Words<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/watching-your-words\/embed\/#?secret=P2vHKqbF5y\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Watching Your Words&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"P2vHKqbF5y\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Tim Muehlhoff reminds us that our words are powerful and can often be misinterpreted.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-05-01.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You may think that the way you communicate with others is helpful\u2014not hurtful\u2014but Tim Muehlhoff says, \u201cWe may not be the best people to evaluate our own communication.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I have blind spots, all over the place, when it comes to me, as a communicator. Often, it\u2019s my wife or a co-worker, who really does know me well\u2014can say, \u201cBoy, Tim, you got really defensive in a meeting,\u201d or, \u201cYou get angry when this topic is brought up.\u201d\u00a0 It might be a blind spot to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, May 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey. I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Tim Muehlhoff joins us today to talk about how our words can build others up or tear others down. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know we have a guest today\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014a friend\u2014Dr. Tim Muehlhoff joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. I want him to be a part of this question I\u2019m about to ask Bob. So, welcome, Tim. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Glad you\u2019re here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve got a question for me?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I do. I do. Tim has written a book called <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>. It\u2019s about navigating conversations\u2014difficult conversations\u2014with truth and love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Have you ever written an email that you\u2019ve regretted writing?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I sent a tweet, many months ago, that as soon as I sent it, I started getting some of my Twitter followers going: \u201cI don\u2019t think you meant to say\u2026\u201d \u201cYou might want to reconsider.\u201d\u00a0 And I did. Thankfully, Twitter allows you to retract your tweets and pull them off; but by then, it had already been said. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I want Tim to comment on this because I know he\u2019s an expert on this. He has his PhD in Communications from the University of North Carolina; but \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t93 percent of all communication is non-verbal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat means it does not demand words. It means there is emotion, there is facial expression, there are gestures\u2014there are all of these non-verbal things that accompany communication. It\u2019s <em>why<\/em> email or really a text is probably the worst way to handle a loaded issue; right, Tim?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>A loaded and controversial issue\u2014I would agree. We have a saying in Communication Theory: \u201cMeanings are in people not words.\u201d\u00a0 When you use a particular word\u2014I, literally, look at you and non-verbally assess if you are joking \/ teased that word, \u201cHow serious are you?\u201d, \u201cWith what kind of intensity did you just say that word?\u201d\u2014which, I tend to interpret negatively. So, when I read an email, 93 percent of all of that is gone. I\u2019m just now looking at the raw word, which has a negative association for me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>This just happened two weeks ago. It was a group email, which makes it even worse because a person responded to what I was saying to the group and used a couple words that, for me, are flash points. I wrote it\u2014did not ask my wife to look at it. I hit \u201cSend.\u201d\u00a0 Later, read his response, and went back and, literally, reread my email, and thought, \u201cOh, that was bad.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>It just was\u2014and it took, honestly, three days of conversations\u2014phone conversations\u2014to un-work it. We both just said, \u201cHey, this is not an email conversation.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s what I\u2019ve had to say in a lot of situations, where I\u2019m in the middle of a group of people, trying to resolve a difference in email\u2014back and forth and \u201cI think this.\u201d\u00a0 There have been times when I\u2019ve just said: \u201cTime out. I think we need to get in a room,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cI think we need to have a little face-to-face conversation.\u201d\u00a0 Email is not the best place to be having this ongoing discussion because I\u2019ve watched conflict\u00a0 escalate,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014back and forth and the volleys\u2014and, \u201cThat one was kind of strong,\u201d but the next one is even stronger, going back. We\u2019re not getting the full picture of communication when all we\u2019re doing is sending words and texts; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes, mass communication scholars call this flaming\u2014it escalates it. We call that a negative communication spiral that, literally, can spiral out of control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Dennis mentioned 93 percent of communication not having anything to do with the actual word that\u2019s being used. Our emotion may be as big a part of the communication as the words we are choosing; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes, and that adds to email problems. There is something called emotional contagion that is very important for us to understand as communicators. It means this: \u201cWhen I walked into this studio to do this interview, all my emotions walked in with me, whether I express them or not. Let\u2019s say I was upset at Bob for whatever reason; but I say to myself, \u2018Come on, it\u2019s a radio interview. They are being very gracious to have me on the show.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not going to express any of that towards Bob\u2014\u201cI actually like Dennis and feel like we\u2019re in a good place.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is what happens: Bob subconsciously picks up on all the negativity, even though I\u2019m <em>choosing<\/em> not to express any of that to him. You pick up on all the positivity, although I\u2019m not choosing to express that. So, I often go into relationships thinking: \u201cOkay, I really don\u2019t like this person. I\u2019m not going to say anything. I\u2019m not going to treat them meanly. I just don\u2019t like this person.\u201d\u00a0 That negativity\u2014like a contagion \/ like a virus\u2014literally, spreads out and affects everybody. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, apply that in a marriage relationship. We are always giving off all kinds of emotional cues about how we are feeling about one another in marriage; aren\u2019t we?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Totally\u2014and parenting with teenagers. So, I\u2019m upset at my wife; right?\u00a0 I think: \u201cI just don\u2019t want to get into it because, last time we got into it, it did not go particularly well. So, I\u2019m just going to stuff it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m just not going to say anything.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, your spouse picks up on all of that. I mean, she is, literally, reading that negativity, subconsciously. We call that the high-road\/the low-road when it comes to our cognitive abilities. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy high-road is when I\u2019m really critical, and think about something, and critique it. I\u2019m very well aware that I\u2019m critiquing it. Low-road is super-fast, and often is wrong; but I\u2019m picking up on subtle cues that your negativity is bleeding into the situation. As communicators, we better deal with that negativity before we actually get into the conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, because here\u2019s the situation I\u2019ve been in. I\u2019ve been in situations with couples, where we\u2019re talking about something that happened. Someone will say, \u201cYou said this.\u201d The other person will say, \u201cI did not say that.\u201d\u00a0 We get into this dialogue about: \u201cWhat were the precise words\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cthat were said?\u201d\u00a0 You realize, in the midst of that, \u201cEven if we get\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014had a recording there\u2014we\u2019re not talking about the words that were used. We\u2019re really talking about some of these non-verbal, emotional cues that were picked up on.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that\u2019s one side of the situation, where you go: \u201cOkay. So, marital communication\u2014we\u2019ve got to be careful, not just about the words we are using, but about everything that is being reflected in the process.\u201d\u00a0 Again: \u201cIs our heart right when we\u2019re having the communication?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve also been with a couple, though, Tim, where somebody will say, \u201cThis is what he said; but here is what it felt like, to me, he was saying.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You see this pattern over and over again. You go, \u201cI think you are reading into what that person is saying\u2014stuff that they are not trying to communicate.\u201d\u00a0 How do we deal with the fact that some people are overloading the communication with stuff that\u2019s not really in there?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, it may be that there is baggage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Could be that there\u2019s baggage there, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There is baggage from the past attached to it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And latent conflict. Latent conflict is <em>the<\/em> most destructive thing in a relationship because that latency doesn\u2019t go away.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI literally walk in\u2014use the word, \u201cbaggage.\u201d I\u2019ll use the word, \u201clatent.\u201d That\u2019s why the Apostle Paul says, \u201cI want you to deal with this anger before the sun goes down.\u201d\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re going to resolve a conflict, but you\u2019ve got to deal with the anger because that will come in to the conversation, like an emotional contagion, and affect, literally, everybody. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why the book is broken down into three sections. The first section I devote four chapters to preparing to have the conversation. If we don\u2019t do the adequate work, ahead of time, that conversation can go south pretty quickly. The middle part of the book is a four-part communication strategy, but it won\u2019t work unless you\u2019ve done the adequate work ahead of time to deal with your emotions and your spiritual state. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I know a couple, where the guy grew up in a home where he was not affirmed. Non-verbal communication was constantly cutting away at him and chipping away at his identity and his respect. So, when he grew up and got married,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014he carried that attitude that he\u2019d grown up with into that marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHis wife kept expressing to him, \u201cSweetheart, do you realize, when you spoke to the \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tkids, you had this cutting, negative, disrespectful attitude toward your child?\u201d or, \u201c\u2026the children? or, \u201c\u2026to me, as your wife?\u201d\u00a0 The husband, at that point, is clueless. He doesn\u2019t know. He doesn\u2019t have an awareness of what emotional baggage or what latent issues he brought into the marriage. What can you say to help a spouse, who is in a marriage where that is taking place?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, I would say two things: One, don\u2019t kill the messenger. The person who knows me the best is my wife, Noreen. Sometimes, she has to say really hard things to me like: \u201cHoney, do you realize, when couples are talking about this particular issue, you get really defensive?\u201d I have blind spots, all over the place, when it comes to me, as a communicator. Often, it is my wife or a co-worker,\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014who really does know me well\u2014can say, \u201cBoy, Tim, you get really defensive in a meeting,\u201d or, \u201cYou get angry when this topic is brought up.\u201d\u00a0 It might be a blind spot to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>At that point, wouldn\u2019t you take the words of Jesus, who said, \u201cBefore you go correct a friend and take the speck out of their eye, you need to take the log out of yours.\u201d\u00a0 You need to make sure you\u2019re teachable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I\u2019m thinking about what we talk about when we talk about resolving conflict at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaway. We coach couples on the fact that, before you go to address an issue with somebody, there are some steps you have to go through. You have to go before God, you\u2019ve got to spend some time in prayer, you\u2019ve got to make sure your own heart is right\u2014you\u2019ve got to confess any issues that are your issues to deal with. Only then are you ready to go and have the conversation with somebody else, but most of us just kind of ignore all of that and just charge right into the conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes, people who listen to what you just said, Bob\u2014and they\u2019ll say, \u201cWhat we\u2019re not supposed to talk about it?\u201d\u00a0 And the answer is: \u201cIt might not be the right time to talk about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou are not ready to walk into that conversation. The emotions are too high\u2014the chance that something is going to spiral out of control.\u201d And third: \u201cMost of us lack a strategy,\u201d\u2014my strategy for this conversation is: \u201cI\u2019m going to take a really deep breath and just let it out.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And I\u2019m saying\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cthe breath\u2014not the words?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes. [Laughter]\u00a0 All communication is a double-edged sword. It can affirm and disconfirm\u2014or, as I mentioned before, my life verse is: \u201cOur words can impart life or death.\u201d\u00a0 So, talking about an issue, per se, is not always a great idea\u2014only if you are emotionally-prepared \/ spiritually-prepared\u2014and if you have some kind of communication strategy in order to organize this very difficult conversation that may have gone badly the last time you tried to talk about this issue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tim, is there anything else that would prepare us better to have these kinds of tough conversations?\u00a0 Because a lot of what you are doing in the book is really helping a person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014think through, plan, strategize, pray, and anticipate how they are going to approach a difficult situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>I think it\u2019s wise for us to understand, ballpark: \u201cWhat causes conflict in relationships?\u201d While I mentioned many in the book, let me just focus on two that are particularly relevant for me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne is something called first- and second-order realities. Let me explain what that means. A first-order reality is something that is absolutely undeniable. For example, when Barak Obama ran to be President the first-time, he didn\u2019t wear a lapel pin of the American flag. Now, that\u2019s a first-order reality. It\u2019s undeniable\u2014he doesn\u2019t have a lapel pin on of the American flag. <br><br>Second-order reality is: \u201cHow do I interpret that?\u201d Again, his opponents immediately interpreted it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cHe doesn\u2019t love America.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cHe doesn\u2019t love America.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>That\u2019s a second-order reality. That\u2019s my interpretation of something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt a FamilyLife marriage conference, a couple came up to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was obvious, she was really upset. She said to me, \u201cHe never appreciates what I do for him because, in the morning, when I brush my teeth, I take toothpaste and I just put it on his toothbrush.\u201d\u00a0 Well, that\u2019s a first-order reality; right?\u00a0 The toothpaste on toothbrush is first order. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe was behind her and laughed so sarcastically that it stopped me dead in my tracks. I said to him, \u201cWell, obviously, you disagree.\u201d\u00a0 He goes: \u201cYes, listen. I don\u2019t need another mom. I don\u2019t need her sticking toothpaste on my toothbrush to remind me to brush my teeth.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He wasn\u2019t viewing it as an act of service. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>No, it was a rub against him. So, all of these things are first-order realities within our marriage and relationships; right?\u2014whether you put the toilet seat down or up; right?\u2014whether you are late to dinner\u2014these are first-order realities. Often, we never ask for clarification because: \u201cI <em>know<\/em> why you are late,\u201d \u201cI <em>know<\/em> why you put that toothpaste on that toothbrush. It was a rub against me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019m advocating for is\u2014step back, even though you are convinced, 98 percent of the correct interpretation\u2014you <em>know<\/em> why that person did something. I\u2019m saying, \u201cStep back, and allow that person to interpret those actions.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne communication scholar says: \u201cThere are no brute facts. All those facts have to be interpreted.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here is the illustration that I\u2019ve used\u2014and Mary Ann and I\u2019ve talked about this many times. I\u2019m 15 minutes late coming home from work. Now, she doesn\u2019t know why I\u2019m 15 minutes late coming home from work. So, she begins to piece together, in her mind, \u201cWhy would he be late coming home from work?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cHe\u2019s had a wreck.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s the first thing that she goes to. And I\u2019ve said to her, \u201cNow, how often is that the real reason why I\u2019m late\u2014that I\u2019ve had a wreck?\u00a0 How many times that I\u2019ve been late is that the real reason?\u00a0 And it\u2019s not been that many; right?\u201d\u00a0 But that\u2019s the first thing she thinks. Then, the second thing is: \u201cHe doesn\u2019t care about me, and that\u2019s why he\u2019s late and hasn\u2019t informed me that he\u2019s late.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we\u2019ve talked about it, I said, \u201cWhat we both have to do with one another is give each other\u201d\u2014what I heard somebody call, years ago\u2014\u201cthe judgment of charity,\u201d which means that, when I\u2019m interpreting the first-order reality, my duty is to ascribe the highest or best possible motive for why that data is the way it is until I know differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, \u201cBob\u2019s not home on time.\u201d I have to assume the best possible scenario: \u201cHis boss, Dennis, called him in and is talking to him, and he can\u2019t break away from the conversation\u201d; or, \u201cHis cell phone battery died.\u201d\u00a0 Something that I put him\u2014but I\u2019m now believing the best about you rather than believing the worst or the most damaging thing about you. Now, when you get home and I go, \u201cI just didn\u2019t care about calling you,\u201d now, you can have a different conversation; right?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I\u2019m choosing the highest interpretation. My second-order reality is always believing the best about you rather than believing the worst about you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And what that shows to me, Bob, is: \u201cWhat is my communication climate like because I\u2019m not being generous with you?\u00a0 I\u2019m not being charitable. I\u2019m going to a dark place virtually every single time and a negative interpretation. What\u2019s happening in my relationship or my soul in which I\u2019m always approaching you with these negative interpretations, right off the bat?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, let\u2019s address the problem you just quickly described there\u2014that there is a dark cloud in the relationship. There is something that is eating away, internally. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We believe the worst about each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. What is a person supposed to do, at that point?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>Remember we talked about two different types of listening?\u00a0 Listening to understand \/ listen to evaluate. Let\u2019s say Noreen does say to me: \u201cHoney, you didn\u2019t open the car door for me. I just kind of feel like you don\u2019t value me anymore.\u201d\u00a0 My initial reaction is to listen to evaluate and to talk her out of it\u2014say: \u201cOh, honey, that\u2019s not true. I think you\u2019re just being a little bit too sensitive.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo, what I need to do is to say:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAnd why would you interpret it that way?\u00a0 What\u2019s been going on that you would think that I don\u2019t value you because the door hasn\u2019t been opened for you?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe might say: \u201cWell, I\u2019ll be honest with you. You don\u2019t open the door for me ever. I kind of feel like romance has been a low priority.\u201d\u00a0 Boy, that\u2019s good information to get. Now, I could be defensive and try to talk her out of it; or I could seek to understand: \u201cWhy have you given that first-order reality that particular interpretation?\u00a0 What\u2019s happening with you and our relationship that has led you to that kind of negative interpretation?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, the first thing you do is take an inventory. Let\u2019s say you do the inventory, and it\u2019s not good. At that point, it demands a response from you; right?\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to deal with your stuff\u2014that you haven\u2019t really valued her, you haven\u2019t been sowing seeds of romance into the relationship, caring for her, giving her a kiss before you go to work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim: <\/strong>And I\u2019ll be really honest with you. It depends where I\u2019m at, spiritually. If I\u2019m in a good place, spiritually, I\u2019m probably open to her critique.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I\u2019m not in a good place, spiritually, I might get defensive. That\u2019s why this spiritual preparation before conversation is so incredibly important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Tim Muehlhoff on a good day\u2014I\u2019m going to receive what my wife has to say or a co-worker. On a bad day, I probably will get defensive, and just jump in and debate that person, and try to talk him or her out of their interpretation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Tim, I listened recently to a sermon from Tim Keller, the pastor at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York. He said, \u201cWhen it comes to this issue of emotions,\u201d\u2014for all of us\u2014he said, \u201cmost religious people think, when you face emotions, you should just stuff them down\u2014that you will appear very non-spiritual, God won\u2019t be pleased, and neither will any of your friends. You just need to kind of stuff it all in the background and not let anybody see it is there.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cMost secular people in the culture today believe that the emotions are the real you. You just need to give free vent to all of your emotions\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and that you are being your most authentic when you just are unbridled, emotionally.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut he said, \u201cThe Bible points us to a third way, which is: \u201cWe are supposed to bring the reality of our emotions into the presence of God. In His presence, let Him begin to sanctify our emotional side.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cThat\u2019s what the Psalms teach us\u2014is how we bring the truth of our emotions before God. In His presence, He does a work on the emotional side of us that is transformative in our lives.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Here\u2019s the question\u2014whether you are single, whether you are engaged, married, you\u2019re a parent, grandparent, single parent\u2014all of us have relationships. Based upon on what Tim has shared today on the broadcast, I\u2019d like you to take 15 minutes before you go to bed tonight, or maybe you turn your light on beside your bed and pull out a sheet of paper. Just do an inventory of your most important relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAsk God this question, \u201cIs all well in each of these relationships?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou don\u2019t have to take many. Maybe, it\u2019s your spouse and your children; or perhaps, your parents\u2014adult children need to reflect back in that direction, I think. But just evaluate: \u201cHow am I doing?\u00a0 How are we doing?\u201d\u00a0 <br><br>Then, ask a second question: \u201cWhat do I need to do regarding my emotions and what we\u2019ve been talking about here about communication?\u00a0 How do I need to get a good game plan for being able to sow good seeds, sow good words, and bring life to that relationship?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, because the truth is you are either planting good seed in your marriage that is going to bring about a harvest or you\u2019re sowing weeds in the middle of the marital crop. That\u2019s where I think, Tim, your book really does help each of us, as husbands and as wives. If we are aware of the fact that our words are not working\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014if we\u2019re aware of the fact that our marital communication is not what it ought to be\u2014rather than blaming our spouse, we ought to get a copy of your book and read through it, with a highlighter, and just start to ask God, \u201cHow does my communication need to change in our marriage?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of Tim Muehlhoff\u2019s book, <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. The subtitle is <em>Navigating Difficult Conversations with Truth and Love<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about how to get a copy of Tim\u2019s book. While you are on the website\u2014which by the way has just gotten a facelift\u2014you can look around and see all that is new at FamilyLifeToday.com. Then, click in the upper left-hand corner on the box that says, \u201cGo Deeper.\u201d You can order a copy of Tim\u2019s book from us, online, again, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Again, ask for the book, <em>I Beg to Differ<\/em>, when you get in touch with us. We\u2019ll get a copy out to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, today is the first day of May. I know, with the way the winter was for some people, you\u2019re just now getting the spring clothes out and ready for the warm weather to finally be regular as we head toward summertime. And I know May is a busy month for a lot of couples. There are weddings and anniversaries. There are graduations taking place. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a busy month for us, here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, as well, because we\u2019re headed toward summertime. That\u2019s a time when we traditionally see a little bit of a decline in the financial support we depend on, as a ministry, to cover the costs of producing and syndicating our daily radio program. So, during this month, we are asking you to consider making a pre-summer gift to help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKind of pay it forward, if you will, and help get us through the summertime when things generally decline a little bit. And there is some additional incentive available, as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry who have come along and said, \u201cBetween now and Father\u2019s Day, they will match every donation that we receive, here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, on a dollar-for-dollar basis.\u201d\u00a0 So, when you send in a donation of $50, it will make available an additional $50 to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> to make sure that we can cover all of our costs throughout the summer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, would you consider making a donation today?\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI Care,\u201d to make an online donation. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make your donation over the phone. Or you can write a check and mail it to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Our mailing address is P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. And our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, every donation we receive between now and Father\u2019s Day is going to be doubled, up to a total of $350,000. So, consider, if you would, making a pre-summer donation to support this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I hope you can join us back tomorrow as we continue talking about how we speak the truth in love to one another in marriage\u2014a refresher on our communication tomorrow. Hope you can tune in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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