{"id":302991,"date":"2014-03-27T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-03-27T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-heart-of-anger\/"},"modified":"2014-03-27T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-03-27T15:00:00","slug":"the-heart-of-anger","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-heart-of-anger\/","title":{"rendered":"The Heart of Anger"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s really at the root of your anger?  Chip Ingram looks at the way Jesus dealt with his anger and gives some practical advice for dealing with emotions that destroy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s really at the root of your anger?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-03-27.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"21.69M","filesize_raw":"22744822","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2873],"tags":[2990],"podcast_series":[7761],"cwp_profile":[3049],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302991","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-anger","podcast_series-overcoming-emotions-that-destroy","cwp_profile-chip-ingram","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302991\/the-heart-of-anger","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302991\/the-heart-of-anger","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"btWaWmdDkQ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-heart-of-anger\/\">The Heart of Anger<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-heart-of-anger\/embed\/#?secret=btWaWmdDkQ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Heart of Anger&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"btWaWmdDkQ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-03-27.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-03-27.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Chip Ingram remembers a particular evening when he was angry; and rather than trying to resolve conflict, he used a formula that a lot of guys use to try to fix things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>ESPN, cheddar cheese, Triscuit<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>s and Diet Coke<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014we\u2019re going to deal with this issue. As I stay up an hour, I\u2019m ticked off\u2014I don\u2019t even know I\u2019m ticked off\u2014but I go to bed; and I wake up, and I\u2019m in a bad mood. My daughter was young, at the time. She walks out into the hallway, and I just looked in her room: \u201cAnnie, make your bed right now.\u201d She just looked at me\u2014like, \u201cDad, I just woke up.\u201d I said, \u201cDon\u2019t talk back to me!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd Theresa yells, \u201cHoney, what\u2019s with you?\u201d I said: \u201cI\u2019m dealing with something right now with one of our kids. I\u2019ll talk to you in just a minute.\u201d You know\u2014the air of this godly man. And then my son walked out of his room. I didn\u2019t even look in his room: \u201cHey, have you had your quiet time yet? Are you going to be a man of God or not?\u201d He looked at me like, \u201cHey, Dad, I haven\u2019t even washed my face.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t talk back to me, son!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, March 27<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Have you ever had innocent victims who have found themselves scared because of your anger about something completely unrelated to them? We\u2019re going to talk about that today. Stay tuned.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I see Doctor Anger is back with us again today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Doctor Anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s my new name for him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Chip Ingram?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. I\u2019m just going to call him Doctor Anger from now on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Bob, this\u2014once again, we\u2019ve found a new level of insulting guests.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No, actually, that\u2019s a compliment; don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Is it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I want you to know that, a few years ago, I was on this program. People, after that\u2014we did a program on love, sex, and lasting relationships\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>And Bob was in his moment here\u2014I probably got angry and didn\u2019t express it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI probably stuffed it; but he said [With a suave voice], \u201cYes, okay, now, Doctor Love is going to say something.\u201d So now, I get people emailing me saying, \u201cHey, Doctor Love.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, now it\u2019s Doctor Anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You would prefer Doctor Love, I think, to Doctor Anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I think so.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, I think so, as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>But I\u2019m lovingly angry about this, but I\u2019ll deal with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I\u2019m just glad you came back for another broadcast, Chip. Chip has written a book called <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy. <\/em>He\u2019s a pastor and an author of more than a dozen books. We have been talking about anger and understanding how it impacts relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChip, if you were training a young man and a young lady, who were about to begin their marriage, and you wanted them to know how to properly navigate the subject of anger in their marriage, where would you start?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I would start with Scripture. I would say, Ephesians 4:26. Let\u2019s look at, beginning at about verse 25, all the way through 32, because it talks about attitudes, it talks about honesty, it talks about speaking the truth\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014in that is this \u201cBe angry,\u201d which is a command, \u201cand yet do not sin. Don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would just say: \u201cYou know what? You all are going to be angry at one another. That\u2019s just life. Everyone is. The question is, \u2018Will you learn to communicate it appropriately?\u2019 That means that you don\u2019t spew it out and alienate the person, or intimidate him, or hurt him. You don\u2019t stuff it down and get ice cold on him, and you don\u2019t leak it out\u2014 sarcastically, or being late, or\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBasically, the leaker is someone who figures out what your buttons are, and they push them. So, if you like everything neat, they\u2019re sloppy. If they want you to be on time, then you\u2019re late. So those are the ways that we express it. I would just say to this couple, \u201cLearn to communicate your anger\u201d; and then, I would give them that verse. Then, underneath it, I would give them a tool. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe tool would go like this\u2014it was on our refrigerator for two years. That\u2019s how much help we needed. I got this from our marriage counseling: \u201cI feel angry when you <em>blank,<\/em>\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI feel hurt\u2026\u201d or, \u201cI feel frustrated\u2026\u201d\u2014but it\u2019s an anger-emotion statement: \u201cI feel <em>blank<\/em> when you\u2026\u201d So: \u201cI feel angry when you come home late,\u201d \u201cI feel hurt when you pay more attention to the kids than me,\u201d \u201cI feel angry when we decide we\u2019re going to spend so much on the budget; and then, you come home and spend it in the areas we didn\u2019t agree on.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you can get that on the table, with an \u201cI feel\u201d message\u2014that\u2019s about what it did to me\u2014that\u2019s not attacking\u2014versus: \u201cYou should never do that again!\u201d \u201cYou are just like your mother!\u201d \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you talk to me?\u201d That\u2019s a father talking to a child, or vice versa, the man to the woman. That\u2019s just like gasoline onto the fire of anger. So, the \u201cI feel\u201d message was how we learned to communicate it. I would give that to a couple and say, \u201cIf you can learn to do that, you will address 90 percent of your anger problems.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Let me ask you about Ephesians 4, where it says \u201cBe angry and do not sin.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a similar passage in Colossians 3, where Paul says: \u201cNow you also put these all aside, anger, wrath, malice, slander, abusive speech. Don\u2019t lie to one another.\u201d It sounds pretty absolute and categorical there\u2014that somehow we\u2019re to put aside these emotions that come up. What\u2019s he trying to instruct us in, there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I think the issue there is\u2014part of those are emotions and part of them are sinful motives. There\u2019s malice: \u201cI want to pay you back!\u201d There are a couple different words for anger in that passage\u2014some that are a long fuse of resentment, and the other is a different word for exploding on people. In the context, those are about: \u201cHow do you do relationships with people in a way that reflects Christ likeness?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the end of the day, you could almost say: \u201cLove looks like this; and the opposite is malice, anger, slander because love builds up, understands, and thinks the best. Those [other] things tear down\u2014those things are all the kinds of things I want to do to even the score\/pay back.\u201d I think that\u2019s at the heart of them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not sure it\u2019s just an emotional issue as much as: \u201cWhat\u2019s the heart relationship?\u2014am I really loving this person?\u201d and, \u201cWhat\u2019s putting a barrier in my love for them?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>If you look at some of those words that Bob was quoting from Scripture there, those words have, at their core, wanting to really hurt another person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Bring harm, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I think, too\u2014and I\u2019ve always found this interesting\u2014you look at the model of Jesus and when anger emerged in His life. It seemed like it was always around the subject of religious hypocrisy. It\u2019s interesting, to me, to observe Jesus seeing sinners sinning; and He didn\u2019t really get angry about that. In fact, He had compassion, or love, or grace, or mercy for sinners as they sinned in front of Him; but when people were professing to be followers of God and were hypocrites, nothing brought out the anger in Jesus like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting as you think of that. I was recently reading\u2014where the man with a shriveled hand\u2014it\u2019s so ironic. It is like, \u201cNow I wonder if he\u2019s going to do it on the Sabbath or not.\u201d I mean, that\u2019d be the worst thing to do\u2014to love someone, heal them, take care of them. The means had totally become the end. Then, Jesus\u2014of course, you know the story. It\u2019s interesting\u2014He never even touches him. He speaks and the man opens his hand; but there\u2019s that little line in there where Jesus is angry with those leaders, knowing what they\u2019re trying to do. It really is an <em>amazing<\/em> picture of what makes God angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The thing that strikes me about all of that is when I look at my own anger and say, \u201cHow does my own anger parallel the anger of Jesus?\u201d Too often my own anger is about whether my rights, my needs, my wants were violated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s about whether you did something to me, rather than about: \u201cIs God\u2019s reputation \/ is God\u2019s holiness under attack? Are people misrepresenting God here?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think a lot of marital conflict really has this selfish core\u2014that we have to dig down underneath the anger and go, \u201cThat\u2019s where the real issue is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I couldn\u2019t agree more.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>As I look at these three ways that we, as human beings, handle it\u2014I want to go back to the young married couple, who are starting out their marriage together. Maybe one of them is a spewer; maybe, one of them is a leaker or tends to stuff\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And you asked me this, earlier in the week. I\u2019ll\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re going to tell? You\u2019re going to share, here on the broadcast, which one you\u2019re most like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m probably a leaker more than\u2014really\u2014I stop and think about it. There aren\u2019t a whole lot of things that push my buttons, but if something\u2014I had something, just this morning, as a matter of fact. I got an email from a coworker, and it made me angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was\u2014I\u2019ve been working on this project for a while, and we\u2019re about to complete the project. This coworker sends me an email and says, \u201cI think we ought to just ditch this project,\u201d\u2014I just got\u2014I got angry\u2014\u201cI think it is off-mission. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s what we ought to be about. I think we should just ditch the whole thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Wow. Give me the name of that coworker. [Laughter] I know the mission! It\u2019s the right mission!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I sent him an email. I said, \u201cThis makes me angry.\u201d I just said, \u201cYou just have to know, this makes me angry.\u201d But then, it was all the next stuff that I wanted to say. I wrote about six different drafts of that email\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There you go. There you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in my mind. Those six different drafts\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Never send those six drafts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014were all snarky and snide. One of them was: \u201cI\u2019ll just turn the project over to you. You can go to everybody and explain to them that you think the right thing to do is to shut the project down; alright? Go ahead!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Here\u2019s the principle I\u2019ve learned about responding to an email that makes you angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Don\u2019t. I\u2019ve written a lot of emails, in my life, that I have never sent. I have never regretted that I hit the delete button; but I have written others in response to people, and I have hit the send button\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When there was still a little passion in your\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh my goodness. You can\u2019t begin to answer someone\u2019s objections with the multi-facets of how they may present it in an email by responding in an email, let alone unpack how you\u2019re feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And may I just say here, email is probably the least effective way to try to carry on communication when there is any anger in the issue. I mean\u2014that is the time\u2014forget the emails\u2014it\u2019s time for face-to-face; don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Absolutely. Yes, I think probably more people have been hurt in\u2014 you know: \u201cWhat\u2019s behind the email?\u201d You read in all kinds of stuff when we\u2019re looking through our own lens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say, at this point, we want to help people remember: \u201cSometimes, your anger is really legitimate; and it really comes from an unmet need or a hurt.\u201d I think of the biblical example of Joseph\u2019s brothers\u2014where Joseph came from a dysfunctional family. His father is showing favoritism. The brothers are resentful. They\u2019re not getting the love they deserve. They\u2019re not being treated fairly. Well, guess what? The dad was wrong, and Joseph didn\u2019t exactly handle it well. He\u2019s strutting his stuff and got all the easy jobs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s interesting\u2014in the text, it says: \u201cbecause of that, his brothers\u2019 anger and their jealousy raged against him.\u201d As a result, then, we hear the story\u2014they sell him. Two wanted to murder him. But that anger had a real issue of an unmet need, where a father needed to be giving something to the other sons that they weren\u2019t getting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are some people that feel this anger. They think that the problem is the anger; and like an iceberg, they need to look under the surface and say: \u201cIs there an unmet need? Am I feeling rejected? Is there a lack of connection in my relationships; maybe, with some other men?\u201d or, \u201cDo I feel apart from God?\u201d or, \u201cIs there something that I tend to look at life in a certain way because of some very genuine unmet, God-ordained needs that I haven\u2019t received?\u201d Then, these people play out their anger on person, after person, after person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy heart\u2019s desire is that people would realize, when we\u2019re talking about anger, it has become\u2014this is really weird\u2014but doing this project, writing this book, teaching through this\u2014anger has become one of my best friends. When I\u2019m angry now, it\u2019s like the Holy Spirit says, \u201cChip, I\u2019m going to show you something in your soul, or in your heart, you wouldn\u2019t know any other way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The red light on the dashboard\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>It really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s going off. It\u2019s flashing, and it\u2019s telling you to dig deeper and find out what\u2019s wrong. That occurred to you, one night, when you came home and you found everybody sleeping.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>And I was so\u2014I mean, how can you be mad at your wife for being in bed asleep? But it was a rough day. You know, you have those nights where\u2014I\u2019d had a couple of those kinds of emails, and I had a board meeting that could have gone better, and I was tired, and feeling sorry for myself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just had this picture: \u201cI\u2019m going to come home, it\u2019s a little after nine. Theresa and I are going to talk, and she understands. She loves me\u2026.\u201d The house is dark; and back then\u2014this is a number of years ago\u2014my youngest son was like 17. What 17-year-old, in your right mind, is asleep at 9:15? \u201cThat\u2019s illegal! Get up out of bed and have fun with your dad\u201d; you know? I went from room to room. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, finally, I did what most people do. You eat and turn on the TV. That\u2019s how you deal with your emotional issues\u2014you know. It\u2019s semi-healthy: ESPN, cheddar cheese, Triscuit<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>s and Diet Coke<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014I mean, we\u2019re going to deal with this issue. As I stay up an hour, I\u2019m ticked off\u2014I don\u2019t even know I\u2019m ticked off\u2014then I go to bed; and I wake up, and I\u2019m in a bad mood. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy daughter was young, at the time. She walks out into the hallway, and I just looked in her room: \u201cAnnie, make your bed right now.\u201d She just looked at me\u2014like, \u201cDad, I just woke up.\u201d I said, \u201cDon\u2019t talk back to me!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd Theresa yells, \u201cHoney, what\u2019s with you?\u201d I said: \u201cHey, I\u2019m dealing with something right now with one of our kids. I\u2019ll talk to you in just a minute.\u201d You know\u2014the air of this godly man. And then my son walked out of his room. I didn\u2019t even look in his room: \u201cHey, have you had your quiet time yet? Are you going to be a man of God or not?\u201d He looked at me like, \u201cHey, Dad, I haven\u2019t even washed my face.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t talk back to me, son!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Whoa.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Were you a pastor at the time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I was a pastor at the time, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Just wanted to clarify that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>\u2014in great need of prayer. I was doing many services, you know. So, I was really worn out\u2014poor me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I understand.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I get there and Theresa goes, \u201cHoney, what\u2019s wrong?\u201d I said, \u201cWhat do you mean, \u2018What\u2019s wrong\u2019?\u201d She noticed that I was a little rough around the edges. I was still\u2014it was like, \u201cIs this the way you\u2019re going to treat me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u201c<\/strong>I\u2019ll tell you what. If all you\u2019re going to do is question my decisions, as a father, I\u2019m just going to go to work. I\u2019ll get some coffee on my way.\u201d And I went out. I didn\u2019t slam the door because I\u2019m a Christian, and I didn\u2019t yell at her because I\u2019m a pastor.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI went and got in my car\u2014started my car, and I\u2019m teaching this material for the very first time. The car is running. All I can think of is: \u201cAnger is a secondary emotion. So, I wonder what\u2019s going on.\u201d It was like: \u201cOh, my. I feel hurt. My wife didn\u2019t come through for me. It wasn\u2019t willful, but she didn\u2019t come through for me. My son didn\u2019t come through for me. I felt really lonely and rejected, and I went to bed that way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, I had a decision to make: \u201cAm I going to just go off\u2014pretend nothing happened? Hopefully, we can patch things up later\u2014give it a quick \u2018Hey, I\u2019m sorry, Honey. I think I was a little\u2026\u2019 or am I going to deal with this?\u201d This is what I was saying. This is when the life change started to happen. I sat in my car, with it running for at least ten minutes, thinking, \u201cSo what am I going to do?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2018Hey, Honey, I know you were in bed, and I know I\u2019m a grown man; but I felt very insecure last night. I had these deep emotional needs that were not met. So, I got mad at you. I\u2019m sorry.\u2019\u201d That sounds like a weenie. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sissy boy!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Yes, what guy is going to do that? I thought, \u201cGosh, humble yourself in the sight of God and He will lift you up.\u201d I walked in. I didn\u2019t put it quite like that\u2014I said, \u201cHoney, you know something\u2014I came home...\u201d I told her a little bit. I said, \u201cI\u2019m really sorry, but it wasn\u2019t about you.\u201d And I went to each of my kids and said, \u201cYou know, I can\u2019t explain it completely, but all these emotions were balled up inside.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGuys, I\u2019ll tell you\u2014here\u2019s one that will encourage you. My wife put her arms around me, gave me a hug, and said: \u201cTell you what. My whole evening\u2019s free. I really want to hear what\u2019s going on. This probably didn\u2019t happen just over a day or two. I love you.\u201d My whole day was different, but the problem was not my anger. The problem was a deep, unmet need; and it probably had been building for awhile.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But if you\u2019d have mishandled it, at that point\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Oh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and gone on to work\u2014at that point, that issue is alive with each of your kids and your wife. Marriage is made up\u2014it\u2019s made up of a jillion of these little encounters and disappointments\u2014when we miss each other and our needs\u2014and we have no idea. But if we don\u2019t handle it, it\u2019s not like it\u2019s buried, and it dies, and decays\u2014it\u2019s buried alive and remains alive in that relationship. If you get enough of these issues\u2014wrestling around under the rug, where you swept them\u2014you have a major issue in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Mine was a wound I didn\u2019t recognize. So, what happens? We do\u2014I mean, it\u2019s just this pattern\u2014so, I wounded her; and I wounded both my kids. At some point in time, you have to stop and recognize what\u2019s going on. That\u2019s why I said anger has actually become a friend. If you can get slow to anger\u2014if you can feel it, and be aware of it, and start asking the right questions\u2014some really exciting things actually change inside.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think you\u2019re really helping folks here to say: \u201cCan we peel back? Can we look at the symptom and ask what\u2019s going on underneath?\u201d I think of dogs snarling. A dog is over in the corner, growling and snarling: \u201cWhy is that dog snarling? It looks like he\u2019s angry. What\u2019s really going on?\u201d Well, the dog is probably frightened\u2014probably feeling threatened. The dog has probably been hurt before and feels like, \u201cI\u2019m back in that situation, and the only way I know to protect myself is to snarl.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I\u2019ve talked with couples at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em>marriage getaways, and we\u2019ve addressed the issue of anger, I\u2019ve said to both, husbands and wives, \u201cIf somebody is snarling and you can ask the question: \u2018What\u2019s underneath that? Where\u2019s the fear? Where\u2019s the hurt? Where\u2019s the threat that this person is feeling?\u201d or better yet\u2014if you can ask it about your own heart and your own soul\u2014now, we can begin to do some business.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if we just say, \u201cYou need to get a hold of your anger, and learn not to do that,\u201d then you haven\u2019t really gotten to the issue; have you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>No; not at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I go back to that young couple\u2014that we\u2019ve been talking about here\u2014as you\u2019re coaching them in knowing how to handle anger in their marriage\u2014what I don\u2019t want them to miss is what you modeled there\u2014which is humility, to admit you made a mistake. You took it out on them\u2014something else was going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2014over the long-haul in a marriage relationship\u2014if both the husband and the wife can be willing to bend their wills \/ their necks before God and say: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m sorry I was selfish. I\u2019m sorry I was disappointed\u2014I took it out on you.\u201d That is the beginning of what the Bible talks about: leave\/cleave\u2014become one as the process of commitment works its way out in a marriage relationship, and you work your way through these issues, you really can be one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the cool thing is\u2014I\u2019ve been married, now, since 1972\u2014these issues, we still have them in our marriage; but they\u2019re not nearly as big.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Oh, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Barbara and I have a working vocabulary around anger\u2014hers and mine\u2014and how we handle it, and how we deal with these things. I\u2019m going to tell you something\u2014the satisfaction here, hopefully on the maturing side of a marriage relationship, really is sweet\u2014not that I don\u2019t blow it \/ not that she doesn\u2019t either\u2014but that we\u2019re really heading in the same direction together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019re saying you guys have learned how to follow Dr. Anger\u2019s prescription for healing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have. We have\u2014and Doctor Love\u2019s too. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>You have to get those things together. That\u2019s how it works\u2014Lo-o-o-ve and anger\u2014Doctor Love and Doctor Anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have copies of Doctor Anger\u2019s book called <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy. <\/em>It\u2019s in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can order the book from us, online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. So, again, online: FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014that\u2019s the website. You can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to request a copy of Chip Ingram\u2019s book, <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal, when we tackle topics like this, is to try to provide practical, biblical help for couples and for families. We want to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time. I know there are a lot of our listeners\u2014who embrace that as a goal\u2014who see the importance of strengthening marriages and families in this culture. A lot of you have stepped forward to say that you believe in what we\u2019re doing, and you want to help support the ministry. We appreciate that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month, during the month of March, we have been asking listeners to consider joining with our team of Legacy Partners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLegacy Partners are folks who help support this ministry with a monthly donation. We are hoping, during the month of March, that there might be a thousand new families, all across the country, who would sign on as Legacy Partners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve seen some encouraging stats over the last couple of days. It looks like that number is on the increase, but we still have a ways to go to get to our goal. So, would you pray about that\u2014consider becoming a Legacy Partner? When you sign on today, we\u2019ll send you a welcome kit that includes the <em>Legacy Partner Cookbook<\/em>\u2014some great recipes from Dennis and Barbara; from Mary Ann and me; from our team, here at FamilyLife; and from many of our current Legacy Partners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says \u201cI CARE.\u201d You can enroll as a Legacy Partner, online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and say, \u201cI\u2019m interested in becoming a Legacy Partner.\u201d We\u2019ll get you signed up over the phone. Let me just say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for your participation with this ministry. We appreciate your generosity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can join us back tomorrow when Doctor Anger is going to be with us again. We\u2019re going to talk more about overcoming emotions that destroy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>A lot of people, when they\u2019re angry\u2014they don\u2019t have any idea that it\u2019s an expectation issue. I would open the Bible and say: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me share a little story in 2 Kings, Chapter 5, verses 11-12. It was a fellow who was told that there was a prophet from Israel who could heal his leprosy. He goes to this prophet, and he was hoping that he would say some very profound words and heal him on the spot. Instead, he said, \u201cI want you to go down to the Jordan River and wash. Dip seven times and God will heal you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said to himself, \u201cSurely he would have come out to me, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and heal this leprosy.\u201d And because he didn\u2019t, it says \u201cHe turned and went away in a rage.\u201d Fortunately, he had a servant that said, \u201cHey, boss, you know if he asked you to do something hard, you probably would have done it. Why don\u2019t we just go ahead and go down to the Jordan and see how it works?\u201d Of course, he is healed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut how many couples\u2014everything from: \u201cWhose family are we going to visit?\u201d\u2014expectations; \u201cHow many children are we going to have?\u201d\u2014expectations; \u201cWhere will we eventually live?\u201dor, \u201cWill we have to relocate?\u201d\u2014expectations. The guy goes: \u201cThis is the kind of job I have. If I\u2019m going to stay with IBM or Microsoft, I\u2019ll move around four or five times.\u201d Well, that probably wasn\u2019t part of the deal when they got talking\u2014and it is like, \u201cYou know, this marriage isn\u2019t what I expected.\u201d That creates anger, and we need to learn to share and get those expectations on the table.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["21.69M"],"filesize_raw":["22744822"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302991.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302991.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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really at the root of your anger?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-03-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Chip Ingram remembers a particular evening when he was angry; and rather than trying to resolve conflict, he used a formula that a lot of guys use to try to fix things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>ESPN, cheddar cheese, Triscuit<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>s and Diet Coke<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014we\u2019re going to deal with this issue. As I stay up an hour, I\u2019m ticked off\u2014I don\u2019t even know I\u2019m ticked off\u2014but I go to bed; and I wake up, and I\u2019m in a bad mood. My daughter was young, at the time. She walks out into the hallway, and I just looked in her room: \u201cAnnie, make your bed right now.\u201d She just looked at me\u2014like, \u201cDad, I just woke up.\u201d I said, \u201cDon\u2019t talk back to me!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd Theresa yells, \u201cHoney, what\u2019s with you?\u201d I said: \u201cI\u2019m dealing with something right now with one of our kids. I\u2019ll talk to you in just a minute.\u201d You know\u2014the air of this godly man. And then my son walked out of his room. I didn\u2019t even look in his room: \u201cHey, have you had your quiet time yet? Are you going to be a man of God or not?\u201d He looked at me like, \u201cHey, Dad, I haven\u2019t even washed my face.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t talk back to me, son!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, March 27<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Have you ever had innocent victims who have found themselves scared because of your anger about something completely unrelated to them? We\u2019re going to talk about that today. Stay tuned.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I see Doctor Anger is back with us again today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Doctor Anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s my new name for him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Chip Ingram?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. I\u2019m just going to call him Doctor Anger from now on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Bob, this\u2014once again, we\u2019ve found a new level of insulting guests.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>No, actually, that\u2019s a compliment; don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Is it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I want you to know that, a few years ago, I was on this program. People, after that\u2014we did a program on love, sex, and lasting relationships\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>And Bob was in his moment here\u2014I probably got angry and didn\u2019t express it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI probably stuffed it; but he said [With a suave voice], \u201cYes, okay, now, Doctor Love is going to say something.\u201d So now, I get people emailing me saying, \u201cHey, Doctor Love.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, now it\u2019s Doctor Anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You would prefer Doctor Love, I think, to Doctor Anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I think so.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, I think so, as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>But I\u2019m lovingly angry about this, but I\u2019ll deal with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I\u2019m just glad you came back for another broadcast, Chip. Chip has written a book called <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy. <\/em>He\u2019s a pastor and an author of more than a dozen books. We have been talking about anger and understanding how it impacts relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChip, if you were training a young man and a young lady, who were about to begin their marriage, and you wanted them to know how to properly navigate the subject of anger in their marriage, where would you start?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I would start with Scripture. I would say, Ephesians 4:26. Let\u2019s look at, beginning at about verse 25, all the way through 32, because it talks about attitudes, it talks about honesty, it talks about speaking the truth\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014in that is this \u201cBe angry,\u201d which is a command, \u201cand yet do not sin. Don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would just say: \u201cYou know what? You all are going to be angry at one another. That\u2019s just life. Everyone is. The question is, \u2018Will you learn to communicate it appropriately?\u2019 That means that you don\u2019t spew it out and alienate the person, or intimidate him, or hurt him. You don\u2019t stuff it down and get ice cold on him, and you don\u2019t leak it out\u2014 sarcastically, or being late, or\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBasically, the leaker is someone who figures out what your buttons are, and they push them. So, if you like everything neat, they\u2019re sloppy. If they want you to be on time, then you\u2019re late. So those are the ways that we express it. I would just say to this couple, \u201cLearn to communicate your anger\u201d; and then, I would give them that verse. Then, underneath it, I would give them a tool. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe tool would go like this\u2014it was on our refrigerator for two years. That\u2019s how much help we needed. I got this from our marriage counseling: \u201cI feel angry when you <em>blank,<\/em>\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI feel hurt\u2026\u201d or, \u201cI feel frustrated\u2026\u201d\u2014but it\u2019s an anger-emotion statement: \u201cI feel <em>blank<\/em> when you\u2026\u201d So: \u201cI feel angry when you come home late,\u201d \u201cI feel hurt when you pay more attention to the kids than me,\u201d \u201cI feel angry when we decide we\u2019re going to spend so much on the budget; and then, you come home and spend it in the areas we didn\u2019t agree on.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you can get that on the table, with an \u201cI feel\u201d message\u2014that\u2019s about what it did to me\u2014that\u2019s not attacking\u2014versus: \u201cYou should never do that again!\u201d \u201cYou are just like your mother!\u201d \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you talk to me?\u201d That\u2019s a father talking to a child, or vice versa, the man to the woman. That\u2019s just like gasoline onto the fire of anger. So, the \u201cI feel\u201d message was how we learned to communicate it. I would give that to a couple and say, \u201cIf you can learn to do that, you will address 90 percent of your anger problems.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Let me ask you about Ephesians 4, where it says \u201cBe angry and do not sin.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a similar passage in Colossians 3, where Paul says: \u201cNow you also put these all aside, anger, wrath, malice, slander, abusive speech. Don\u2019t lie to one another.\u201d It sounds pretty absolute and categorical there\u2014that somehow we\u2019re to put aside these emotions that come up. What\u2019s he trying to instruct us in, there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I think the issue there is\u2014part of those are emotions and part of them are sinful motives. There\u2019s malice: \u201cI want to pay you back!\u201d There are a couple different words for anger in that passage\u2014some that are a long fuse of resentment, and the other is a different word for exploding on people. In the context, those are about: \u201cHow do you do relationships with people in a way that reflects Christ likeness?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the end of the day, you could almost say: \u201cLove looks like this; and the opposite is malice, anger, slander because love builds up, understands, and thinks the best. Those [other] things tear down\u2014those things are all the kinds of things I want to do to even the score\/pay back.\u201d I think that\u2019s at the heart of them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not sure it\u2019s just an emotional issue as much as: \u201cWhat\u2019s the heart relationship?\u2014am I really loving this person?\u201d and, \u201cWhat\u2019s putting a barrier in my love for them?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>If you look at some of those words that Bob was quoting from Scripture there, those words have, at their core, wanting to really hurt another person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Bring harm, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I think, too\u2014and I\u2019ve always found this interesting\u2014you look at the model of Jesus and when anger emerged in His life. It seemed like it was always around the subject of religious hypocrisy. It\u2019s interesting, to me, to observe Jesus seeing sinners sinning; and He didn\u2019t really get angry about that. In fact, He had compassion, or love, or grace, or mercy for sinners as they sinned in front of Him; but when people were professing to be followers of God and were hypocrites, nothing brought out the anger in Jesus like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting as you think of that. I was recently reading\u2014where the man with a shriveled hand\u2014it\u2019s so ironic. It is like, \u201cNow I wonder if he\u2019s going to do it on the Sabbath or not.\u201d I mean, that\u2019d be the worst thing to do\u2014to love someone, heal them, take care of them. The means had totally become the end. Then, Jesus\u2014of course, you know the story. It\u2019s interesting\u2014He never even touches him. He speaks and the man opens his hand; but there\u2019s that little line in there where Jesus is angry with those leaders, knowing what they\u2019re trying to do. It really is an <em>amazing<\/em> picture of what makes God angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The thing that strikes me about all of that is when I look at my own anger and say, \u201cHow does my own anger parallel the anger of Jesus?\u201d Too often my own anger is about whether my rights, my needs, my wants were violated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s about whether you did something to me, rather than about: \u201cIs God\u2019s reputation \/ is God\u2019s holiness under attack? Are people misrepresenting God here?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think a lot of marital conflict really has this selfish core\u2014that we have to dig down underneath the anger and go, \u201cThat\u2019s where the real issue is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I couldn\u2019t agree more.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>As I look at these three ways that we, as human beings, handle it\u2014I want to go back to the young married couple, who are starting out their marriage together. Maybe one of them is a spewer; maybe, one of them is a leaker or tends to stuff\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And you asked me this, earlier in the week. I\u2019ll\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re going to tell? You\u2019re going to share, here on the broadcast, which one you\u2019re most like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m probably a leaker more than\u2014really\u2014I stop and think about it. There aren\u2019t a whole lot of things that push my buttons, but if something\u2014I had something, just this morning, as a matter of fact. I got an email from a coworker, and it made me angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was\u2014I\u2019ve been working on this project for a while, and we\u2019re about to complete the project. This coworker sends me an email and says, \u201cI think we ought to just ditch this project,\u201d\u2014I just got\u2014I got angry\u2014\u201cI think it is off-mission. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s what we ought to be about. I think we should just ditch the whole thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Wow. Give me the name of that coworker. [Laughter] I know the mission! It\u2019s the right mission!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I sent him an email. I said, \u201cThis makes me angry.\u201d I just said, \u201cYou just have to know, this makes me angry.\u201d But then, it was all the next stuff that I wanted to say. I wrote about six different drafts of that email\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There you go. There you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in my mind. Those six different drafts\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Never send those six drafts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014were all snarky and snide. One of them was: \u201cI\u2019ll just turn the project over to you. You can go to everybody and explain to them that you think the right thing to do is to shut the project down; alright? Go ahead!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Here\u2019s the principle I\u2019ve learned about responding to an email that makes you angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Don\u2019t. I\u2019ve written a lot of emails, in my life, that I have never sent. I have never regretted that I hit the delete button; but I have written others in response to people, and I have hit the send button\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When there was still a little passion in your\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh my goodness. You can\u2019t begin to answer someone\u2019s objections with the multi-facets of how they may present it in an email by responding in an email, let alone unpack how you\u2019re feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And may I just say here, email is probably the least effective way to try to carry on communication when there is any anger in the issue. I mean\u2014that is the time\u2014forget the emails\u2014it\u2019s time for face-to-face; don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Absolutely. Yes, I think probably more people have been hurt in\u2014 you know: \u201cWhat\u2019s behind the email?\u201d You read in all kinds of stuff when we\u2019re looking through our own lens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say, at this point, we want to help people remember: \u201cSometimes, your anger is really legitimate; and it really comes from an unmet need or a hurt.\u201d I think of the biblical example of Joseph\u2019s brothers\u2014where Joseph came from a dysfunctional family. His father is showing favoritism. The brothers are resentful. They\u2019re not getting the love they deserve. They\u2019re not being treated fairly. Well, guess what? The dad was wrong, and Joseph didn\u2019t exactly handle it well. He\u2019s strutting his stuff and got all the easy jobs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s interesting\u2014in the text, it says: \u201cbecause of that, his brothers\u2019 anger and their jealousy raged against him.\u201d As a result, then, we hear the story\u2014they sell him. Two wanted to murder him. But that anger had a real issue of an unmet need, where a father needed to be giving something to the other sons that they weren\u2019t getting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are some people that feel this anger. They think that the problem is the anger; and like an iceberg, they need to look under the surface and say: \u201cIs there an unmet need? Am I feeling rejected? Is there a lack of connection in my relationships; maybe, with some other men?\u201d or, \u201cDo I feel apart from God?\u201d or, \u201cIs there something that I tend to look at life in a certain way because of some very genuine unmet, God-ordained needs that I haven\u2019t received?\u201d Then, these people play out their anger on person, after person, after person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy heart\u2019s desire is that people would realize, when we\u2019re talking about anger, it has become\u2014this is really weird\u2014but doing this project, writing this book, teaching through this\u2014anger has become one of my best friends. When I\u2019m angry now, it\u2019s like the Holy Spirit says, \u201cChip, I\u2019m going to show you something in your soul, or in your heart, you wouldn\u2019t know any other way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The red light on the dashboard\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>It really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s going off. It\u2019s flashing, and it\u2019s telling you to dig deeper and find out what\u2019s wrong. That occurred to you, one night, when you came home and you found everybody sleeping.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>And I was so\u2014I mean, how can you be mad at your wife for being in bed asleep? But it was a rough day. You know, you have those nights where\u2014I\u2019d had a couple of those kinds of emails, and I had a board meeting that could have gone better, and I was tired, and feeling sorry for myself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just had this picture: \u201cI\u2019m going to come home, it\u2019s a little after nine. Theresa and I are going to talk, and she understands. She loves me\u2026.\u201d The house is dark; and back then\u2014this is a number of years ago\u2014my youngest son was like 17. What 17-year-old, in your right mind, is asleep at 9:15? \u201cThat\u2019s illegal! Get up out of bed and have fun with your dad\u201d; you know? I went from room to room. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, finally, I did what most people do. You eat and turn on the TV. That\u2019s how you deal with your emotional issues\u2014you know. It\u2019s semi-healthy: ESPN, cheddar cheese, Triscuit<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>s and Diet Coke<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014I mean, we\u2019re going to deal with this issue. As I stay up an hour, I\u2019m ticked off\u2014I don\u2019t even know I\u2019m ticked off\u2014then I go to bed; and I wake up, and I\u2019m in a bad mood. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy daughter was young, at the time. She walks out into the hallway, and I just looked in her room: \u201cAnnie, make your bed right now.\u201d She just looked at me\u2014like, \u201cDad, I just woke up.\u201d I said, \u201cDon\u2019t talk back to me!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd Theresa yells, \u201cHoney, what\u2019s with you?\u201d I said: \u201cHey, I\u2019m dealing with something right now with one of our kids. I\u2019ll talk to you in just a minute.\u201d You know\u2014the air of this godly man. And then my son walked out of his room. I didn\u2019t even look in his room: \u201cHey, have you had your quiet time yet? Are you going to be a man of God or not?\u201d He looked at me like, \u201cHey, Dad, I haven\u2019t even washed my face.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t talk back to me, son!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Whoa.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Were you a pastor at the time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I was a pastor at the time, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Just wanted to clarify that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>\u2014in great need of prayer. I was doing many services, you know. So, I was really worn out\u2014poor me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I understand.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>I get there and Theresa goes, \u201cHoney, what\u2019s wrong?\u201d I said, \u201cWhat do you mean, \u2018What\u2019s wrong\u2019?\u201d She noticed that I was a little rough around the edges. I was still\u2014it was like, \u201cIs this the way you\u2019re going to treat me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u201c<\/strong>I\u2019ll tell you what. If all you\u2019re going to do is question my decisions, as a father, I\u2019m just going to go to work. I\u2019ll get some coffee on my way.\u201d And I went out. I didn\u2019t slam the door because I\u2019m a Christian, and I didn\u2019t yell at her because I\u2019m a pastor.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI went and got in my car\u2014started my car, and I\u2019m teaching this material for the very first time. The car is running. All I can think of is: \u201cAnger is a secondary emotion. So, I wonder what\u2019s going on.\u201d It was like: \u201cOh, my. I feel hurt. My wife didn\u2019t come through for me. It wasn\u2019t willful, but she didn\u2019t come through for me. My son didn\u2019t come through for me. I felt really lonely and rejected, and I went to bed that way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, I had a decision to make: \u201cAm I going to just go off\u2014pretend nothing happened? Hopefully, we can patch things up later\u2014give it a quick \u2018Hey, I\u2019m sorry, Honey. I think I was a little\u2026\u2019 or am I going to deal with this?\u201d This is what I was saying. This is when the life change started to happen. I sat in my car, with it running for at least ten minutes, thinking, \u201cSo what am I going to do?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2018Hey, Honey, I know you were in bed, and I know I\u2019m a grown man; but I felt very insecure last night. I had these deep emotional needs that were not met. So, I got mad at you. I\u2019m sorry.\u2019\u201d That sounds like a weenie. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sissy boy!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Yes, what guy is going to do that? I thought, \u201cGosh, humble yourself in the sight of God and He will lift you up.\u201d I walked in. I didn\u2019t put it quite like that\u2014I said, \u201cHoney, you know something\u2014I came home...\u201d I told her a little bit. I said, \u201cI\u2019m really sorry, but it wasn\u2019t about you.\u201d And I went to each of my kids and said, \u201cYou know, I can\u2019t explain it completely, but all these emotions were balled up inside.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGuys, I\u2019ll tell you\u2014here\u2019s one that will encourage you. My wife put her arms around me, gave me a hug, and said: \u201cTell you what. My whole evening\u2019s free. I really want to hear what\u2019s going on. This probably didn\u2019t happen just over a day or two. I love you.\u201d My whole day was different, but the problem was not my anger. The problem was a deep, unmet need; and it probably had been building for awhile.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But if you\u2019d have mishandled it, at that point\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Oh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and gone on to work\u2014at that point, that issue is alive with each of your kids and your wife. Marriage is made up\u2014it\u2019s made up of a jillion of these little encounters and disappointments\u2014when we miss each other and our needs\u2014and we have no idea. But if we don\u2019t handle it, it\u2019s not like it\u2019s buried, and it dies, and decays\u2014it\u2019s buried alive and remains alive in that relationship. If you get enough of these issues\u2014wrestling around under the rug, where you swept them\u2014you have a major issue in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Mine was a wound I didn\u2019t recognize. So, what happens? We do\u2014I mean, it\u2019s just this pattern\u2014so, I wounded her; and I wounded both my kids. At some point in time, you have to stop and recognize what\u2019s going on. That\u2019s why I said anger has actually become a friend. If you can get slow to anger\u2014if you can feel it, and be aware of it, and start asking the right questions\u2014some really exciting things actually change inside.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think you\u2019re really helping folks here to say: \u201cCan we peel back? Can we look at the symptom and ask what\u2019s going on underneath?\u201d I think of dogs snarling. A dog is over in the corner, growling and snarling: \u201cWhy is that dog snarling? It looks like he\u2019s angry. What\u2019s really going on?\u201d Well, the dog is probably frightened\u2014probably feeling threatened. The dog has probably been hurt before and feels like, \u201cI\u2019m back in that situation, and the only way I know to protect myself is to snarl.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I\u2019ve talked with couples at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em>marriage getaways, and we\u2019ve addressed the issue of anger, I\u2019ve said to both, husbands and wives, \u201cIf somebody is snarling and you can ask the question: \u2018What\u2019s underneath that? Where\u2019s the fear? Where\u2019s the hurt? Where\u2019s the threat that this person is feeling?\u201d or better yet\u2014if you can ask it about your own heart and your own soul\u2014now, we can begin to do some business.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if we just say, \u201cYou need to get a hold of your anger, and learn not to do that,\u201d then you haven\u2019t really gotten to the issue; have you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>No; not at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I go back to that young couple\u2014that we\u2019ve been talking about here\u2014as you\u2019re coaching them in knowing how to handle anger in their marriage\u2014what I don\u2019t want them to miss is what you modeled there\u2014which is humility, to admit you made a mistake. You took it out on them\u2014something else was going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2014over the long-haul in a marriage relationship\u2014if both the husband and the wife can be willing to bend their wills \/ their necks before God and say: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m sorry I was selfish. I\u2019m sorry I was disappointed\u2014I took it out on you.\u201d That is the beginning of what the Bible talks about: leave\/cleave\u2014become one as the process of commitment works its way out in a marriage relationship, and you work your way through these issues, you really can be one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the cool thing is\u2014I\u2019ve been married, now, since 1972\u2014these issues, we still have them in our marriage; but they\u2019re not nearly as big.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>Oh, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Barbara and I have a working vocabulary around anger\u2014hers and mine\u2014and how we handle it, and how we deal with these things. I\u2019m going to tell you something\u2014the satisfaction here, hopefully on the maturing side of a marriage relationship, really is sweet\u2014not that I don\u2019t blow it \/ not that she doesn\u2019t either\u2014but that we\u2019re really heading in the same direction together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019re saying you guys have learned how to follow Dr. Anger\u2019s prescription for healing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have. We have\u2014and Doctor Love\u2019s too. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>You have to get those things together. That\u2019s how it works\u2014Lo-o-o-ve and anger\u2014Doctor Love and Doctor Anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have copies of Doctor Anger\u2019s book called <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy. <\/em>It\u2019s in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can order the book from us, online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. So, again, online: FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014that\u2019s the website. You can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to request a copy of Chip Ingram\u2019s book, <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal, when we tackle topics like this, is to try to provide practical, biblical help for couples and for families. We want to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time. I know there are a lot of our listeners\u2014who embrace that as a goal\u2014who see the importance of strengthening marriages and families in this culture. A lot of you have stepped forward to say that you believe in what we\u2019re doing, and you want to help support the ministry. We appreciate that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month, during the month of March, we have been asking listeners to consider joining with our team of Legacy Partners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLegacy Partners are folks who help support this ministry with a monthly donation. We are hoping, during the month of March, that there might be a thousand new families, all across the country, who would sign on as Legacy Partners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve seen some encouraging stats over the last couple of days. It looks like that number is on the increase, but we still have a ways to go to get to our goal. So, would you pray about that\u2014consider becoming a Legacy Partner? When you sign on today, we\u2019ll send you a welcome kit that includes the <em>Legacy Partner Cookbook<\/em>\u2014some great recipes from Dennis and Barbara; from Mary Ann and me; from our team, here at FamilyLife; and from many of our current Legacy Partners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says \u201cI CARE.\u201d You can enroll as a Legacy Partner, online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and say, \u201cI\u2019m interested in becoming a Legacy Partner.\u201d We\u2019ll get you signed up over the phone. Let me just say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for your participation with this ministry. We appreciate your generosity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can join us back tomorrow when Doctor Anger is going to be with us again. We\u2019re going to talk more about overcoming emotions that destroy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip: <\/strong>A lot of people, when they\u2019re angry\u2014they don\u2019t have any idea that it\u2019s an expectation issue. I would open the Bible and say: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me share a little story in 2 Kings, Chapter 5, verses 11-12. It was a fellow who was told that there was a prophet from Israel who could heal his leprosy. He goes to this prophet, and he was hoping that he would say some very profound words and heal him on the spot. Instead, he said, \u201cI want you to go down to the Jordan River and wash. Dip seven times and God will heal you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said to himself, \u201cSurely he would have come out to me, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and heal this leprosy.\u201d And because he didn\u2019t, it says \u201cHe turned and went away in a rage.\u201d Fortunately, he had a servant that said, \u201cHey, boss, you know if he asked you to do something hard, you probably would have done it. Why don\u2019t we just go ahead and go down to the Jordan and see how it works?\u201d Of course, he is healed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut how many couples\u2014everything from: \u201cWhose family are we going to visit?\u201d\u2014expectations; \u201cHow many children are we going to have?\u201d\u2014expectations; \u201cWhere will we eventually live?\u201dor, \u201cWill we have to relocate?\u201d\u2014expectations. The guy goes: \u201cThis is the kind of job I have. If I\u2019m going to stay with IBM or Microsoft, I\u2019ll move around four or five times.\u201d Well, that probably wasn\u2019t part of the deal when they got talking\u2014and it is like, \u201cYou know, this marriage isn\u2019t what I expected.\u201d That creates anger, and we need to learn to share and get those expectations on the table.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302991","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302991"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302991"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302991"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302991"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302991"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302991"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302991"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}