{"id":302989,"date":"2014-03-26T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-03-26T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-leakers-stuffers-and-spewers\/"},"modified":"2014-03-26T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-03-26T15:00:00","slug":"the-leakers-stuffers-and-spewers","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-leakers-stuffers-and-spewers\/","title":{"rendered":"The Leakers, Stuffers, and Spewers"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>What do you do with your anger?  Pastor Chip Ingram talks about the three most common ways of dealing with anger:  leaking it out slowly, stuffing it inside, and spewing it out all over everyone around you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What do you do with your anger?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-03-26.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.29M","filesize_raw":"23373957","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2873],"tags":[2990],"podcast_series":[7761],"cwp_profile":[3049],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302989","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-anger","podcast_series-overcoming-emotions-that-destroy","cwp_profile-chip-ingram","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302989\/the-leakers-stuffers-and-spewers","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302989\/the-leakers-stuffers-and-spewers","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"B8Q54TdO2i\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-leakers-stuffers-and-spewers\/\">The Leakers, Stuffers, and Spewers<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-leakers-stuffers-and-spewers\/embed\/#?secret=B8Q54TdO2i\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Leakers, Stuffers, and Spewers&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"B8Q54TdO2i\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-03-26.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-03-26.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s your show.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to ask our guest on today\u2019s program, Chip Ingram\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ll be here if you need me for anything, but I\u2019ll just be sitting over here. You go ahead.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, Bob! How often do I\u2014I try to respect your\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014beginning the program\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s fine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014on numerous occasions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are you apologizing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No? Alright; okay\u2014because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m really not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Alright\u2014just move along then.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You just need to get over your anger. We\u2019re going to have somebody here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m not angry\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014to help you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m frustrated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014get over your frustration. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChip Ingram joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Do you think there\u2019s any hope for Bob, Chip? You\u2019ve been here a few times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I think there is. I think there\u2019s hope for everyone, and that means there\u2019s hope for Bob. [Laughter] I\u2019m wondering, right now, if there\u2019s hope for me! I\u2019ve not been on a program quite like this. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019ve not seen one start like that in a while!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I never really have. I think it is going to be a lot of fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is going to be a lot of fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You haven\u2019t done \u201cCar Talk\u201din quite a while, I guess. Is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019ve been compared to the \u201cCar Talk\u201d guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, Chip has written a book called <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy<\/em>. What do the spewers, the stuffers, and\u2014what was the last one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> The leakers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The leakers! What do they have in common?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> What they have in common is that those are the three faces of anger. Everybody gets angry\u2014whether it\u2019s that there\u2019s not enough toilet paper, or the guy is going too slowly, or someone walks out on you, or someone you love dies. Every single day there are multiple, multiple circumstances that evoke this response of anger. People deal with it in about three different ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome people spew it out, and we know who they are. We keep our distance. They intimidate and, often, feel very bad and guilty later\u2014some of them don\u2019t. Then, other people stuff it. They believe, like Bob was saying, that anger is a sin: \u201cIt\u2019s wrong. I should never be angry.\u201d So, they often struggle with depression and have a lot of physiological issues because, when we stuff anger, it\u2019s very unhealthy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> And, finally, leakers are what psychologists call passive-aggressive. We\u2019re sarcastic: \u201cIf you hurt me, I\u2019m going to take that on a safer playing field. I\u2019m going to come around the back door and see if I can pay you back in ways that, if you catch me, I\u2019ll say, \u2018Oh, I was just kidding.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, as we look around the table here, let\u2019s just do a little poll because everybody has their tendency; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Right. We do. We have our major face, and some of us can do a couple\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; and what\u2019s yours?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> You know, I hate to admit this. My dad was a spewer\u2014I mean, scary spewer, at times\u2014before he came to Christ. So, I learned anger was a dangerous thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I tend to be a leaker. I tend to be a little sarcastic\u2014and I think, now and then, I don\u2019t like to admit it\u2014but I\u2019ll stuff a little bit of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Those are my two; how about you guys?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t get angry. [Laughter] I think that, if you read your Bible in the morning and if you spend some time in prayer, I think you just\u2014that won\u2019t happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s poll a real person. Keith is out on the control panel, out there\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; now, I\u2019m getting angry. The fact that you\u2019re going to Keith is making me angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019re going to Keith. Which one are you, Keith, since Bob won\u2019t answer the question again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Keith:<\/strong> I think I\u2019m the \u201capproved Christian\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a leaker\/stuffer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The \u201capproved Christian.\u201d Kind of piously allowed to kind of slide out in sarcastic statements and stuff?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I guess it\u2019s a good question. Are leaking and stuffing\u2014are those the ways Christians are taught to handle anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> You know\u2014there are a lot of undercover spewers; but, for most of us, we have learned that that is not a good way to go. So, we tend to leak; or we tend to stuff. As a result, it produces\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEach way has its strengths and weaknesses, but all of them are dysfunctional in our relationships. All of them are not God\u2019s way to deal with our anger in a healthy way\u2014that produces unity and intimacy in our relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m going to answer the question for myself. I think I\u2019m a little of all three. I\u2019ve thrown some hammers. I\u2019ve told the story, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, of getting angry about Christmas\u2014and throwing the hammer that hit the wrought iron on our front porch so all the neighbors could see me storm out of the house and take the Christmas tree back to K-Mart. I have stuffed, and just tried to deny it; and I\u2019ve also felt like I\u2019ve been a leaker, where you just kind of make caustic comments. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to go back to a big-picture question for you, Chip, because you\u2019re a pastor. You\u2019re also a student of the Bible. We are made in the image of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Genesis, Chapter 1\u2014I was looking at it just a few moments ago\u2014verse 26 says: \u201cThen God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness\u2019.\u201d Now, when He made us in His image, it wasn\u2019t just that we, physically, somehow represented who God was, as human beings; but He made us body, soul, and spirit. A part of that is our emotions. Do you believe the emotions are a part of our reflection of the character of God and who he is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes, I do. I think that God gets angry. I mean, Jesus got very angry; but an old term\u2014in fact, we might talk about it a little bit later\u2014is that anger is not a negative emotion. It can be very negative; but when you see injustice\u2014when you see a child abused\u2014anger is a God-given emotion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen rightly understood, it provokes us into the kind of action and dealing with stuff that we need to deal with. So, yes, I think we are made in the image of God. I think the wrath of God is His response to what spoiled the earth\u2014to sin \/ to wickedness\u2014that destroys lives and ruins the beauty of what He has created.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You share a story in your book about how you were in a laundromat\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and you got angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I got as mad as I had ever been, at that point. I was a young pastor. I was in rural Texas. We didn\u2019t have enough money to have our own washer and dryer. A lady came in. She looked a little disheveled, with a little 18-month old. They walked in together, and she just seemed a little mean. This little baby picked up a piece of lint on the floor, and she just screamed at her. I thought, \u201cWow, man, she is really going off.\u201d\u00a0 And then, the little baby did a little something\u2014an 18-month-old can walk around. This lady ran over, grabbed the kid, almost yanked the arm out of the socket, swung her, and slammed her, face-first, into one of the dryers. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWithout thinking, I jumped up. I got about one inch from her nose. I said, \u201cMa\u2019am, you touch that kid again and so help me, I will knock you out.\u201d And then, my thoughts were: \u201cLocal Pastor Punches Woman in Laundromat.\u201d But I emoted. I thought, \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do with that.\u201d You know, sometimes, you have an experience\u2014and you tell your wife or a friend, and it goes away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut for three nights, I couldn\u2019t sleep. I mean, in the middle of the night, I thought, \u201cHow much of this is happening?\u201d In the area where we were, it was one of those situations where there were a lot of people in some difficult times; and you saw a lot of that. I, eventually, went down to the courthouse and said, \u201cWhat do you do for stuff like this, and to whom do you report it?\u201d I found out they didn\u2019t have enough foster care, and this was happening everywhere. Then, they said, \u201cWell, we have a committee.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can imagine a small town of 4,000, in a rural area, and a group of people sitting around: \u201cWell, Ethel, what do you think we ought to do? There are a lot of problems.\u201d \u201cWell, maybe we could have a bake sale and raise some money for some kids.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI sat there, going, \u201cGive me a break.\u201d Well, I spoke up a little bit too much. I went to one meeting, and I left as the chairman of that committee\u2014and, eventually, recruited about five or six people from our church. I said, \u201cWe\u2019re going to do something about this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe ended up partnering the churches in the whole area. Every week, a different church would say: \u201cOkay, we need size three clothes \/ five clothes \/ seven clothes. We need a home for two weeks for an eleven-year-old and a nine-year-old.\u201d And then, the other thing we did was\u2014we saw the environments were so negative\u2014so we ended up raising money and built a child welfare center\u2014because someone got mad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy thing is\u2014I think a lot of Christians\u2014we need to deal with their anger. But when I watch television \/ when I see where the values are going, I think we, as Christians, need to be <em>way more mad<\/em>\u2014that provokes us to righteousness\u2014doing it winsomely, lovingly, non-judgmentally\u2014but we need to get off the couch! I think anger is an emotion that helps us do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think you\u2019ve identified something that is really key\u2014as we try to discern our own anger and whether it\u2019s legitimate \/ whether it\u2019s righteous\u2014that is: \u201cIs it focused on how we have been offended\u2014how we have been wounded? How much self is caught up in our anger?\u201d To the extent that there is self there, there is probably unrighteousness there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But when our anger really is about what God has created and ordained\u2014and how that\u2019s being abused, how it\u2019s being twisted, how it\u2019s being turned around\u2014that kind of anger is probably the right kind of motivating anger. I\u2019m guessing that that anger that motivated you also\u2014there came a time of compassion because you described that you started caring about these people who had made you angry, in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I was livid\u2014so much that the adrenaline was pumping and I couldn\u2019t sleep. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, I started thinking about the little kid. Then, I started thinking: \u201cWhat in the world happens in a woman\u2019s life? I mean, what has to happen in her heart\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> \u2014where she is responding and slamming her own kid into a dryer?\u201d I thought: \u201cWe\u2019re the church. We ought to address that on both ends.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> You\u2019re right. That\u2019s a good word there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, there is that good side of anger\u2014like you\u2019re talking about\u2014where, as you illustrated, you used your passion about something that was unjust\u2014that was taking place\u2014and turned it around for something good. But there are a lot of our listeners, who are in marriages or in families where anger is being misused. It\u2019s abusive. It\u2019s destroying human beings, children, marriages, and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose listeners are pulling back; and they\u2019re going, \u201cWhat do I do with that?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014because it\u2019s like sitting at the base of a volcano and having hot lava spewed out, all over you, day-in and day-out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow does someone, who\u2019s in a marriage relationship, deal with somebody like that, Chip?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Well, one, that is a loaded, loaded question because there are so many different reasons for anger. But I think the first thing\u2014if you can get the person to do\u2014is to be honest that it\u2019s an issue. Very, very angry people often\u2014you talk about denial: \u201cI don\u2019t have an anger problem. That\u2019s you\u2014you just respond. You\u2019re too sensitive.\u201d And so, sometimes, people feel very trapped. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the big key for me was learning that anger is a secondary emotion. Very, very rarely, if ever, is anger the problem. It\u2019s a picture, if you will\u2014if people, who are listening, can think of\u2014when you drive your car, if the red light on your dashboard starts flashing\u2014if you stop the car, get a hammer out of the back, and smash the red light on the dashboard\u2014I\u2019ve got news for you. You didn\u2019t solve the problem\u2014you just got rid of the light. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnger is like the red light on the dashboard of your soul. It tells you that something else is wrong underneath. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt could be an unmet need\u2014it could be a <em>legitimate<\/em> unmet need. It could be the distance between our expectations\u2014of what we are expecting\u2014and what life delivers for us\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> \u2014some fair \/ some unfair\u2014some, just our perception of it\u2014or it could be our basic insecurity that we all have. If you don\u2019t get underneath that, then people can deal with anger managing and really not have any long-term solutions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of the reason I teamed up with a psychologist to write this was\u2014she really had some insight and some practical tools to give people because this isn\u2019t one\u2014where you say: \u201cGod, I\u2019m really sorry I\u2019m angry. Will you take it away?\u201d There are some pretty deep issues that are behind people\u2019s anger, who are listening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Biblically, how does God instruct us, then, if we have a problem with anger?\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about a person who finally can say, \u201cOkay, Chip, you\u2019re right.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> He says, \u201cBe angry,\u201d\u2014a command\u2014\u201cbut don\u2019t sin. Don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger,\u201d Ephesians 4:26. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe says, \u201cLet everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve or accomplish the righteous life that God requires.\u201d\u00a0 I think what God says is: \u201cThat emotion\u2014that you <em>feel<\/em> angry\u2014fine. That\u2019s legit. Now what do you do with it? How do you express it? When do you express it? To whom do you express it?\u2014in what way?\u201d Basically, what we\u2019re talking about is learning how to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, to that spouse, who is in a marriage relationship\u2014who may be at the point where the anger gets spewed, or maybe they have no relationship because the other person is stuffing their disappointment\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and totally retreating in the relationship. What would you say to the spouse who is in that marriage relationship\u2014dealing with that, day-in and day-out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Well, this gets a little too close to home; but in my second year of seminary, I was in a class that Paul Meier was teaching on Pastoral Counseling for Pastors. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy wife\u2019s dad was an alcoholic, and my dad was an alcoholic. We love each other very much, and we\u2019re both very dysfunctional. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I listened to what I was supposed to be helping these other people with, I remember I went down\u2014of course, after everyone left because I was very embarrassed\u2014I said, \u201cExcuse me, Dr. Meier; but what you\u2019re talking about\u2014man, I need help.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Was it a foreign language to you, at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> One, I didn\u2019t know I was angry. Two, we didn\u2019t know how to resolve anger. For some people\u2014where you are really locked in this and this is a huge, big problem\u2014he basically said: \u201cLook, my brother is an excellent counselor. He used to be a pastor\u2014so, he\u2019ll understand you. I\u2019ll get you a student rate.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I\u2019m making $1000 a month, in seminary\u2014a wife and three kids\u2014barely making it. I paid $90 a week for 12 sessions that taught me how to express my anger, how to send \u201cI feel\u201d messages, how to understand <em>why<\/em> my wife felt the way she felt, and how I responded.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s the best money I ever spent. Part of the tools that we put in the book came out of: \u201cI just want these people to know I paid $90 a shot for this stuff, and you get it for free!\u201d [Laughter] My point is: \u201cSometimes, if it\u2019s really intense, you\u2019ve got to go get some help. It may be from a Christian counselor or a pastor.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And \u201cintense\u201d doesn\u2019t necessarily mean it is all spewers. We go back to where we started.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Oh, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It can be intense just because the temperature of the house is down to about 40 degrees.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> My wife was a stuffer. Here\u2019s what happens\u2014when she stuffed\u2014when she shuts down\u2014and let\u2019s get real specific how this really plays out. You get angry. As a man\u2014often\u2014you get more verbal. Well, then, guess what? She\u2019s not feeling very romantic. The sex life is going down the tube. You get more resentful. So, the guy gets more vulnerable to sexual temptation on the outside of his life. She feels unappreciated. It\u2019s a vicious spiral. Even as I\u2019m talking, right now, I can almost see the lights going on in people\u2019s heads, saying \u201cThat\u2019s us.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s hope, but you\u2019ve got to get that stuff on the table. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> We had to learn\u2014here\u2019s the key\u2014you can learn to express your anger that deals with the issue rather than attacks or rejects the person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You see, I think most people will hear a discussion about anger\u2014and they will think, \u201cIf it\u2019s not spewing, we don\u2019t have an issue.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know? You wouldn\u2019t go to a marriage counselor and say, \u201cWell, we get quiet with each other,\u201d because that just sounds foolish; but what you\u2019re saying is that\u2019s just as toxic as spewing is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Well, what happens is\u2014and I can vividly remember\u2014you guys bring out the worst in me, I think. I remember all these stories of my worst days.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019ve had several guests tell us that we\u2019ve done that to them. So\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Share that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to have to listen to that car thing\u2014whatever you were talking about\u2014so I can get prepared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Actually, this will cost you $90 at the end of the session.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I vividly remember being so frustrated; and especially because I loved God with all my heart\u2014I was preparing for the ministry\u2014I knew my wife did\u2014but there was this wall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was this huge ice wall, and I didn\u2019t know how to resolve it. I just thought, \u201cIf she would just apologize.\u201d I remember I would put my hands behind my head\u2014you know, while you\u2019re lying in bed? She would turn the other direction. I would kind of \u201cHuh\u201d\u2014sigh\u2014and then I would roll to the other side. So, your rear ends are toward each other. There\u2019s big communication, you know\u2014like: \u201cWe\u2019 really love each other.\u201d [Laughter] I wanted her to know I was awake, and then we would just fall asleep. Then, we\u2019d pretend nothing had happened. Then, about two days later, we\u2019d treat each other nice. I had no idea it was like we were pouring poison down the soul of our relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we began to deal with that anger\u2014and part of it was\u2014it\u2019s not all over big stuff. I mean, I was home late for dinner, on a regular basis. Part of it was the way I thought and the way she thought. It wasn\u2019t all that big\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014but \u201cI lied to her.\u201d Dinner\u2019s at 5:30. I get home at 5:40\u2014the basketball game went a little bit late or whatever. I\u2019m a big-picture guy\u2014between 5:30 and 6:00\u2014that\u2019s dinner; right? Not to her. She thinks in dots\u2014I think in dashes. To her, I said 5:30\u2014I gave my word. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, we have an integrity issue. I\u2019m coming home; and she says, \u201cWhy did you lie to me?\u201d \u201cWhat do you mean?\u2014 \u2018Why did I lie to you?\u2019 Give me a break! I\u2019m ten minutes late. I\u2019m supporting three kids; I\u2019m in school, da da da da da.\u201d\u00a0 Can you hear how this would start?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob and<\/strong> <strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> And now, she thinks I\u2019m a liar. When I understood\u2014she\u2019s very exacting\u2014she thinks very concretely \/ she\u2019s very structured\u2014guess what? That\u2019s how God made her. That\u2019s why all our bills have been paid on time. That\u2019s why I have great kids. That\u2019s why our house is always clean.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it\u2019s why you married her in the first place\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014because she\u2019s different from you. Those same differences are what end up repelling us and making us angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I just want to reread what you have already quoted here, but I\u2019m going to back up a little bit in Ephesians 4 to verse 25. It says, \u201cTherefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m just going to say, parenthetically, there is no neighbor that you\u2019re closer to than your spouse\u2014so a relationship that\u2019s real means you must speak the truth to one another. Paul goes on and says: \u201cBe angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.\u201d Then he finishes up and says, \u201cAnd give no opportunity to the devil.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is an enemy who wants to destroy relationships. He is using anger, today, either by having it stuffed, or leaked, or spewed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He is using it to destroy marriages, families, children, leaving a legacy for future generations. I think, as Christians, we have to be biblically-astute, Bob. We have to have a language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s why I like Chip\u2019s book. It\u2019s something that will, I think, give a couple something to talk about that\u2019s of substance, while at the same time, being anchored in Scripture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And we have copies of Chip\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. If listeners would like a copy of the book, <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy<\/em>, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order the book from us, online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can also order by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we are closing in on the last few days in the month of March. All month long, we have been asking <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners to join with us and become Legacy Partners\u2014folks who help support this ministry on a monthly basis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re pretty excited about the number of folks who have gotten in touch with us and said: \u201cWe believe in the vision of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019d like to help support what you guys are doing.\u201d We\u2019re still a little ways away from our goal. Our goal was to get 20 families in every state\u2014for a total of 1,000 families, across the country, who would sign on as new Legacy Partners. We\u2019ve still got a ways to go, but we\u2019ve got a few days still left to do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you would consider becoming one of our Legacy Partners and helping <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link that says, \u201cI CARE.\u201d You can sign up as a Legacy Partner there. When you do, we\u2019ll send you the welcome kit that has the brand-new <em>Legacy Partner Cookbook<\/em> in it\u2014recipes in it from Dennis and Barbara, from Mary Ann and me, from some of our staff, and from a lot of our Legacy Partners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link that says, \u201cI CARE,\u201d and become a new Legacy Partner. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and say, \u201cI\u2019m interested in becoming a Legacy Partner.\u201d We\u2019ll get you signed up over the phone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks, in advance, for joining with us. It will be great to have you on the team.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can join us back again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about how anger can leave everyone else in our family feeling scared and not wanting to be at home. We\u2019ll talk more with Chip Ingram about that tomorrow. I hope you can be here for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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do you do with your anger?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-03-26.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s your show.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to ask our guest on today\u2019s program, Chip Ingram\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ll be here if you need me for anything, but I\u2019ll just be sitting over here. You go ahead.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, Bob! How often do I\u2014I try to respect your\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014beginning the program\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s fine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014on numerous occasions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are you apologizing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No? Alright; okay\u2014because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m really not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Alright\u2014just move along then.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You just need to get over your anger. We\u2019re going to have somebody here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m not angry\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014to help you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m frustrated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014get over your frustration. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChip Ingram joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Do you think there\u2019s any hope for Bob, Chip? You\u2019ve been here a few times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I think there is. I think there\u2019s hope for everyone, and that means there\u2019s hope for Bob. [Laughter] I\u2019m wondering, right now, if there\u2019s hope for me! I\u2019ve not been on a program quite like this. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019ve not seen one start like that in a while!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I never really have. I think it is going to be a lot of fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is going to be a lot of fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You haven\u2019t done \u201cCar Talk\u201din quite a while, I guess. Is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019ve been compared to the \u201cCar Talk\u201d guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, Chip has written a book called <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy<\/em>. What do the spewers, the stuffers, and\u2014what was the last one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> The leakers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The leakers! What do they have in common?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> What they have in common is that those are the three faces of anger. Everybody gets angry\u2014whether it\u2019s that there\u2019s not enough toilet paper, or the guy is going too slowly, or someone walks out on you, or someone you love dies. Every single day there are multiple, multiple circumstances that evoke this response of anger. People deal with it in about three different ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome people spew it out, and we know who they are. We keep our distance. They intimidate and, often, feel very bad and guilty later\u2014some of them don\u2019t. Then, other people stuff it. They believe, like Bob was saying, that anger is a sin: \u201cIt\u2019s wrong. I should never be angry.\u201d So, they often struggle with depression and have a lot of physiological issues because, when we stuff anger, it\u2019s very unhealthy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> And, finally, leakers are what psychologists call passive-aggressive. We\u2019re sarcastic: \u201cIf you hurt me, I\u2019m going to take that on a safer playing field. I\u2019m going to come around the back door and see if I can pay you back in ways that, if you catch me, I\u2019ll say, \u2018Oh, I was just kidding.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, as we look around the table here, let\u2019s just do a little poll because everybody has their tendency; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Right. We do. We have our major face, and some of us can do a couple\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; and what\u2019s yours?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> You know, I hate to admit this. My dad was a spewer\u2014I mean, scary spewer, at times\u2014before he came to Christ. So, I learned anger was a dangerous thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I tend to be a leaker. I tend to be a little sarcastic\u2014and I think, now and then, I don\u2019t like to admit it\u2014but I\u2019ll stuff a little bit of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Those are my two; how about you guys?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t get angry. [Laughter] I think that, if you read your Bible in the morning and if you spend some time in prayer, I think you just\u2014that won\u2019t happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s poll a real person. Keith is out on the control panel, out there\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; now, I\u2019m getting angry. The fact that you\u2019re going to Keith is making me angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, we\u2019re going to Keith. Which one are you, Keith, since Bob won\u2019t answer the question again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Keith:<\/strong> I think I\u2019m the \u201capproved Christian\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a leaker\/stuffer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The \u201capproved Christian.\u201d Kind of piously allowed to kind of slide out in sarcastic statements and stuff?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I guess it\u2019s a good question. Are leaking and stuffing\u2014are those the ways Christians are taught to handle anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> You know\u2014there are a lot of undercover spewers; but, for most of us, we have learned that that is not a good way to go. So, we tend to leak; or we tend to stuff. As a result, it produces\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEach way has its strengths and weaknesses, but all of them are dysfunctional in our relationships. All of them are not God\u2019s way to deal with our anger in a healthy way\u2014that produces unity and intimacy in our relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m going to answer the question for myself. I think I\u2019m a little of all three. I\u2019ve thrown some hammers. I\u2019ve told the story, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, of getting angry about Christmas\u2014and throwing the hammer that hit the wrought iron on our front porch so all the neighbors could see me storm out of the house and take the Christmas tree back to K-Mart. I have stuffed, and just tried to deny it; and I\u2019ve also felt like I\u2019ve been a leaker, where you just kind of make caustic comments. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to go back to a big-picture question for you, Chip, because you\u2019re a pastor. You\u2019re also a student of the Bible. We are made in the image of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Genesis, Chapter 1\u2014I was looking at it just a few moments ago\u2014verse 26 says: \u201cThen God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness\u2019.\u201d Now, when He made us in His image, it wasn\u2019t just that we, physically, somehow represented who God was, as human beings; but He made us body, soul, and spirit. A part of that is our emotions. Do you believe the emotions are a part of our reflection of the character of God and who he is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes, I do. I think that God gets angry. I mean, Jesus got very angry; but an old term\u2014in fact, we might talk about it a little bit later\u2014is that anger is not a negative emotion. It can be very negative; but when you see injustice\u2014when you see a child abused\u2014anger is a God-given emotion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen rightly understood, it provokes us into the kind of action and dealing with stuff that we need to deal with. So, yes, I think we are made in the image of God. I think the wrath of God is His response to what spoiled the earth\u2014to sin \/ to wickedness\u2014that destroys lives and ruins the beauty of what He has created.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You share a story in your book about how you were in a laundromat\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and you got angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I got as mad as I had ever been, at that point. I was a young pastor. I was in rural Texas. We didn\u2019t have enough money to have our own washer and dryer. A lady came in. She looked a little disheveled, with a little 18-month old. They walked in together, and she just seemed a little mean. This little baby picked up a piece of lint on the floor, and she just screamed at her. I thought, \u201cWow, man, she is really going off.\u201d\u00a0 And then, the little baby did a little something\u2014an 18-month-old can walk around. This lady ran over, grabbed the kid, almost yanked the arm out of the socket, swung her, and slammed her, face-first, into one of the dryers. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWithout thinking, I jumped up. I got about one inch from her nose. I said, \u201cMa\u2019am, you touch that kid again and so help me, I will knock you out.\u201d And then, my thoughts were: \u201cLocal Pastor Punches Woman in Laundromat.\u201d But I emoted. I thought, \u201cI don\u2019t know what to do with that.\u201d You know, sometimes, you have an experience\u2014and you tell your wife or a friend, and it goes away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut for three nights, I couldn\u2019t sleep. I mean, in the middle of the night, I thought, \u201cHow much of this is happening?\u201d In the area where we were, it was one of those situations where there were a lot of people in some difficult times; and you saw a lot of that. I, eventually, went down to the courthouse and said, \u201cWhat do you do for stuff like this, and to whom do you report it?\u201d I found out they didn\u2019t have enough foster care, and this was happening everywhere. Then, they said, \u201cWell, we have a committee.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can imagine a small town of 4,000, in a rural area, and a group of people sitting around: \u201cWell, Ethel, what do you think we ought to do? There are a lot of problems.\u201d \u201cWell, maybe we could have a bake sale and raise some money for some kids.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI sat there, going, \u201cGive me a break.\u201d Well, I spoke up a little bit too much. I went to one meeting, and I left as the chairman of that committee\u2014and, eventually, recruited about five or six people from our church. I said, \u201cWe\u2019re going to do something about this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe ended up partnering the churches in the whole area. Every week, a different church would say: \u201cOkay, we need size three clothes \/ five clothes \/ seven clothes. We need a home for two weeks for an eleven-year-old and a nine-year-old.\u201d And then, the other thing we did was\u2014we saw the environments were so negative\u2014so we ended up raising money and built a child welfare center\u2014because someone got mad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy thing is\u2014I think a lot of Christians\u2014we need to deal with their anger. But when I watch television \/ when I see where the values are going, I think we, as Christians, need to be <em>way more mad<\/em>\u2014that provokes us to righteousness\u2014doing it winsomely, lovingly, non-judgmentally\u2014but we need to get off the couch! I think anger is an emotion that helps us do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think you\u2019ve identified something that is really key\u2014as we try to discern our own anger and whether it\u2019s legitimate \/ whether it\u2019s righteous\u2014that is: \u201cIs it focused on how we have been offended\u2014how we have been wounded? How much self is caught up in our anger?\u201d To the extent that there is self there, there is probably unrighteousness there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But when our anger really is about what God has created and ordained\u2014and how that\u2019s being abused, how it\u2019s being twisted, how it\u2019s being turned around\u2014that kind of anger is probably the right kind of motivating anger. I\u2019m guessing that that anger that motivated you also\u2014there came a time of compassion because you described that you started caring about these people who had made you angry, in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I was livid\u2014so much that the adrenaline was pumping and I couldn\u2019t sleep. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, I started thinking about the little kid. Then, I started thinking: \u201cWhat in the world happens in a woman\u2019s life? I mean, what has to happen in her heart\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> \u2014where she is responding and slamming her own kid into a dryer?\u201d I thought: \u201cWe\u2019re the church. We ought to address that on both ends.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> You\u2019re right. That\u2019s a good word there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, there is that good side of anger\u2014like you\u2019re talking about\u2014where, as you illustrated, you used your passion about something that was unjust\u2014that was taking place\u2014and turned it around for something good. But there are a lot of our listeners, who are in marriages or in families where anger is being misused. It\u2019s abusive. It\u2019s destroying human beings, children, marriages, and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose listeners are pulling back; and they\u2019re going, \u201cWhat do I do with that?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014because it\u2019s like sitting at the base of a volcano and having hot lava spewed out, all over you, day-in and day-out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow does someone, who\u2019s in a marriage relationship, deal with somebody like that, Chip?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Well, one, that is a loaded, loaded question because there are so many different reasons for anger. But I think the first thing\u2014if you can get the person to do\u2014is to be honest that it\u2019s an issue. Very, very angry people often\u2014you talk about denial: \u201cI don\u2019t have an anger problem. That\u2019s you\u2014you just respond. You\u2019re too sensitive.\u201d And so, sometimes, people feel very trapped. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the big key for me was learning that anger is a secondary emotion. Very, very rarely, if ever, is anger the problem. It\u2019s a picture, if you will\u2014if people, who are listening, can think of\u2014when you drive your car, if the red light on your dashboard starts flashing\u2014if you stop the car, get a hammer out of the back, and smash the red light on the dashboard\u2014I\u2019ve got news for you. You didn\u2019t solve the problem\u2014you just got rid of the light. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnger is like the red light on the dashboard of your soul. It tells you that something else is wrong underneath. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt could be an unmet need\u2014it could be a <em>legitimate<\/em> unmet need. It could be the distance between our expectations\u2014of what we are expecting\u2014and what life delivers for us\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> \u2014some fair \/ some unfair\u2014some, just our perception of it\u2014or it could be our basic insecurity that we all have. If you don\u2019t get underneath that, then people can deal with anger managing and really not have any long-term solutions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of the reason I teamed up with a psychologist to write this was\u2014she really had some insight and some practical tools to give people because this isn\u2019t one\u2014where you say: \u201cGod, I\u2019m really sorry I\u2019m angry. Will you take it away?\u201d There are some pretty deep issues that are behind people\u2019s anger, who are listening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Biblically, how does God instruct us, then, if we have a problem with anger?\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about a person who finally can say, \u201cOkay, Chip, you\u2019re right.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> He says, \u201cBe angry,\u201d\u2014a command\u2014\u201cbut don\u2019t sin. Don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger,\u201d Ephesians 4:26. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe says, \u201cLet everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for the anger of man does not achieve or accomplish the righteous life that God requires.\u201d\u00a0 I think what God says is: \u201cThat emotion\u2014that you <em>feel<\/em> angry\u2014fine. That\u2019s legit. Now what do you do with it? How do you express it? When do you express it? To whom do you express it?\u2014in what way?\u201d Basically, what we\u2019re talking about is learning how to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, to that spouse, who is in a marriage relationship\u2014who may be at the point where the anger gets spewed, or maybe they have no relationship because the other person is stuffing their disappointment\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and totally retreating in the relationship. What would you say to the spouse who is in that marriage relationship\u2014dealing with that, day-in and day-out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Well, this gets a little too close to home; but in my second year of seminary, I was in a class that Paul Meier was teaching on Pastoral Counseling for Pastors. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy wife\u2019s dad was an alcoholic, and my dad was an alcoholic. We love each other very much, and we\u2019re both very dysfunctional. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I listened to what I was supposed to be helping these other people with, I remember I went down\u2014of course, after everyone left because I was very embarrassed\u2014I said, \u201cExcuse me, Dr. Meier; but what you\u2019re talking about\u2014man, I need help.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Was it a foreign language to you, at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> One, I didn\u2019t know I was angry. Two, we didn\u2019t know how to resolve anger. For some people\u2014where you are really locked in this and this is a huge, big problem\u2014he basically said: \u201cLook, my brother is an excellent counselor. He used to be a pastor\u2014so, he\u2019ll understand you. I\u2019ll get you a student rate.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I\u2019m making $1000 a month, in seminary\u2014a wife and three kids\u2014barely making it. I paid $90 a week for 12 sessions that taught me how to express my anger, how to send \u201cI feel\u201d messages, how to understand <em>why<\/em> my wife felt the way she felt, and how I responded.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s the best money I ever spent. Part of the tools that we put in the book came out of: \u201cI just want these people to know I paid $90 a shot for this stuff, and you get it for free!\u201d [Laughter] My point is: \u201cSometimes, if it\u2019s really intense, you\u2019ve got to go get some help. It may be from a Christian counselor or a pastor.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And \u201cintense\u201d doesn\u2019t necessarily mean it is all spewers. We go back to where we started.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Oh, no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It can be intense just because the temperature of the house is down to about 40 degrees.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> My wife was a stuffer. Here\u2019s what happens\u2014when she stuffed\u2014when she shuts down\u2014and let\u2019s get real specific how this really plays out. You get angry. As a man\u2014often\u2014you get more verbal. Well, then, guess what? She\u2019s not feeling very romantic. The sex life is going down the tube. You get more resentful. So, the guy gets more vulnerable to sexual temptation on the outside of his life. She feels unappreciated. It\u2019s a vicious spiral. Even as I\u2019m talking, right now, I can almost see the lights going on in people\u2019s heads, saying \u201cThat\u2019s us.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s hope, but you\u2019ve got to get that stuff on the table. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> We had to learn\u2014here\u2019s the key\u2014you can learn to express your anger that deals with the issue rather than attacks or rejects the person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You see, I think most people will hear a discussion about anger\u2014and they will think, \u201cIf it\u2019s not spewing, we don\u2019t have an issue.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know? You wouldn\u2019t go to a marriage counselor and say, \u201cWell, we get quiet with each other,\u201d because that just sounds foolish; but what you\u2019re saying is that\u2019s just as toxic as spewing is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Well, what happens is\u2014and I can vividly remember\u2014you guys bring out the worst in me, I think. I remember all these stories of my worst days.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019ve had several guests tell us that we\u2019ve done that to them. So\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Share that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to have to listen to that car thing\u2014whatever you were talking about\u2014so I can get prepared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Actually, this will cost you $90 at the end of the session.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> I vividly remember being so frustrated; and especially because I loved God with all my heart\u2014I was preparing for the ministry\u2014I knew my wife did\u2014but there was this wall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was this huge ice wall, and I didn\u2019t know how to resolve it. I just thought, \u201cIf she would just apologize.\u201d I remember I would put my hands behind my head\u2014you know, while you\u2019re lying in bed? She would turn the other direction. I would kind of \u201cHuh\u201d\u2014sigh\u2014and then I would roll to the other side. So, your rear ends are toward each other. There\u2019s big communication, you know\u2014like: \u201cWe\u2019 really love each other.\u201d [Laughter] I wanted her to know I was awake, and then we would just fall asleep. Then, we\u2019d pretend nothing had happened. Then, about two days later, we\u2019d treat each other nice. I had no idea it was like we were pouring poison down the soul of our relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we began to deal with that anger\u2014and part of it was\u2014it\u2019s not all over big stuff. I mean, I was home late for dinner, on a regular basis. Part of it was the way I thought and the way she thought. It wasn\u2019t all that big\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014but \u201cI lied to her.\u201d Dinner\u2019s at 5:30. I get home at 5:40\u2014the basketball game went a little bit late or whatever. I\u2019m a big-picture guy\u2014between 5:30 and 6:00\u2014that\u2019s dinner; right? Not to her. She thinks in dots\u2014I think in dashes. To her, I said 5:30\u2014I gave my word. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, we have an integrity issue. I\u2019m coming home; and she says, \u201cWhy did you lie to me?\u201d \u201cWhat do you mean?\u2014 \u2018Why did I lie to you?\u2019 Give me a break! I\u2019m ten minutes late. I\u2019m supporting three kids; I\u2019m in school, da da da da da.\u201d\u00a0 Can you hear how this would start?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob and<\/strong> <strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> And now, she thinks I\u2019m a liar. When I understood\u2014she\u2019s very exacting\u2014she thinks very concretely \/ she\u2019s very structured\u2014guess what? That\u2019s how God made her. That\u2019s why all our bills have been paid on time. That\u2019s why I have great kids. That\u2019s why our house is always clean.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it\u2019s why you married her in the first place\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014because she\u2019s different from you. Those same differences are what end up repelling us and making us angry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I just want to reread what you have already quoted here, but I\u2019m going to back up a little bit in Ephesians 4 to verse 25. It says, \u201cTherefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m just going to say, parenthetically, there is no neighbor that you\u2019re closer to than your spouse\u2014so a relationship that\u2019s real means you must speak the truth to one another. Paul goes on and says: \u201cBe angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.\u201d Then he finishes up and says, \u201cAnd give no opportunity to the devil.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is an enemy who wants to destroy relationships. He is using anger, today, either by having it stuffed, or leaked, or spewed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Chip:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He is using it to destroy marriages, families, children, leaving a legacy for future generations. I think, as Christians, we have to be biblically-astute, Bob. We have to have a language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s why I like Chip\u2019s book. It\u2019s something that will, I think, give a couple something to talk about that\u2019s of substance, while at the same time, being anchored in Scripture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And we have copies of Chip\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. If listeners would like a copy of the book, <em>Overcoming Emotions that Destroy<\/em>, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order the book from us, online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can also order by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we are closing in on the last few days in the month of March. All month long, we have been asking <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners to join with us and become Legacy Partners\u2014folks who help support this ministry on a monthly basis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re pretty excited about the number of folks who have gotten in touch with us and said: \u201cWe believe in the vision of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019d like to help support what you guys are doing.\u201d We\u2019re still a little ways away from our goal. Our goal was to get 20 families in every state\u2014for a total of 1,000 families, across the country, who would sign on as new Legacy Partners. We\u2019ve still got a ways to go, but we\u2019ve got a few days still left to do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you would consider becoming one of our Legacy Partners and helping <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link that says, \u201cI CARE.\u201d You can sign up as a Legacy Partner there. When you do, we\u2019ll send you the welcome kit that has the brand-new <em>Legacy Partner Cookbook<\/em> in it\u2014recipes in it from Dennis and Barbara, from Mary Ann and me, from some of our staff, and from a lot of our Legacy Partners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link that says, \u201cI CARE,\u201d and become a new Legacy Partner. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and say, \u201cI\u2019m interested in becoming a Legacy Partner.\u201d We\u2019ll get you signed up over the phone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks, in advance, for joining with us. It will be great to have you on the team.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can join us back again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about how anger can leave everyone else in our family feeling scared and not wanting to be at home. We\u2019ll talk more with Chip Ingram about that tomorrow. I hope you can be here for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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