{"id":302863,"date":"2013-11-18T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-11-18T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/great-unrealistic-expectations\/"},"modified":"2013-11-18T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-11-18T17:00:00","slug":"great-unrealistic-expectations","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/great-unrealistic-expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"Great, Unrealistic Expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Author Paul David Tripp talks about the reality of marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-11-18.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.24M","filesize_raw":"24367504","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2808],"tags":[4529,4786,5306],"podcast_series":[7744],"cwp_profile":[3097],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302863","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-newlyweds","tag-expectations","tag-newly-married","tag-starting-my-marriage-right","podcast_series-what-did-you-expect","cwp_profile-paul-david-tripp","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302863\/great-unrealistic-expectations","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302863\/great-unrealistic-expectations","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"bWTTaPb7VG\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/great-unrealistic-expectations\/\">Great, Unrealistic Expectations<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/great-unrealistic-expectations\/embed\/#?secret=bWTTaPb7VG\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Great, Unrealistic Expectations&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"bWTTaPb7VG\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-11-18.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-11-18.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cCan you remember what was the expectation you had of marriage\u2014that it didn\u2019t take long, after you were married, to realize, \u2018I wasn\u2019t thinking straight.\u2019?\u201d Do you remember anything that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I remember that part of the process that we went through, as a couple, in really solidifying our engagement was we wrote down all of our fears. I had four pages of fears\u2014single-spaced! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean\u2014all kinds of things! They were tied to expectations\u2014wanting to be a great husband and being afraid I wouldn\u2019t be able to execute that\u2014wanting to be a lover of my wife\u2019s soul and not being certain how [I] could do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You see, you were just over-thinking the whole deal because I just thought marriage was like dating forever\u2014but you get to have sex\u2014that\u2019s I was thinking! [Laughter] You know, it kind of worked out okay for me except there was some reality that got thrown into it\u2014the mix.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and we\u2019ve got a guest with us in the studio, Bob. It\u2019s not often that we can genuinely label one of our guests as a trouble-maker, but Paul David Tripp is a trouble-maker. The reason he\u2019s a trouble-maker is he is unwilling to allow people to settle for mediocrity. So, he\u2019s going to stir the pot. He\u2019s been on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> before, and I\u2019d just like to welcome him back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul, it\u2019s great to have you back on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>It is great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He\u2019s written a book called <em>What Did You Expect? <\/em>\u00a0He and his wife Luella have four adult children. Paul is the President of Paul Tripp Ministries. He\u2019s a counselor and author. How many books have you written now, Paul?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Eleven.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Eleven? This one\u2014<em>What Did You Expect?<\/em>\u2014talks about what Bob was discussing here\u2014our expectations about marriage. When people get married today, they really do have high expectations; don\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Well, my experience, as a premarital counselor, is that, again and again, I\u2019d be sitting with a couple, trying to get them to <em>think<\/em> about marriage in a realistic way. A potential wife is looking at a potential husband with what I call \u201cgoo-goo eyes\u201d. I can barely get their attention. She\u2019ll say something along these lines:\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think I could ever get angry at him.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m angry just to hear it!\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking, \u201cNow, what\u2019s a more biblical way of thinking about marriage?\u201d Here it is: \u201cWhat is marriage? It\u2019s a flawed person married to a flawed person in a fallen world\u201d\u2014are you encouraged yet? [Laughter]\u2014but with a faithful God.\u201d I think there are <em>thousands<\/em> of couples that get married with unrealistic expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And they\u2019re thinking kind of like I was thinking\u2014that: \u201cThis is just dating, but you get to mix in sex; and it\u2019s going to be happy ever after.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, part of the problem is the weirdness of Western culture dating. That\u2019s the difficulty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, the whole dating system is set up to\u2014I don\u2019t want to say to deceive the other person because it\u2019s not really intentional deceit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>It\u2019s not self-conscious.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s just two people who are trying to impress one another. Help us understand how it is\u2014in Western culture\u2014we enter into this most intimate of all relationships with so many unrealistic expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>I think that we think that strength of affection\u2014strength of romance\u2014is a sturdy enough foundation to protect us from the kinds of things that <em>other<\/em> people are dealing with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We think it\u2019s going to carry the day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Yes. The fact of the matter is that what really creates the difficulty that we have in living in relationship with one another lives at a profoundly deeper level than romance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRomance is just not enough of a foundation to make a long-term, perseverant, healthy relationship work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When I was growing up, I heard on the radio: <em>Love Will Keep Us Together<\/em> and <em>All You Need Is Love<\/em>. I remember people getting married with no job and no money. They would say, \u201cWe don\u2019t need those things because our love will sustain us,\u201d only to find out that you do need some of those things to sustain life beyond a couple of weeks; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Yes, I think that what you\u2019ve talked about is sort of deep in the sort of functional philosophy of Western culture: \u201cLove will do it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. You watch the romance movies, and they reinforce that. The love songs reinforce that. It\u2019s not until we\u2019re trying to do real marriage that we get the wake-up call. What happens to a couple when they get that wake-up call?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, panic. Often, the panic then leads to all kinds of dysfunctional ways of <em>responding<\/em> to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe call that I got, closest to the marriage ceremony, was six-thirty the next morning. The wife calls me; and she says, \u201cIt\u2019s over!\u201d My response to her\u2014she didn\u2019t understand at first\u2014I said, \u201cPraise the Lord!\u201d because I think, at that point, they really face the reality: \u201cWe are two people in desperate need of help.\u201d They were ready, at that point, to make a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What had happened between the wedding and six-thirty the next morning? Do you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Reality\u2014just that low-level self-centeredness, impatience, easy irritation\u2014all those kinds of things that are really where marriages go wrong. Think about this: \u201cWe don\u2019t live in big moments. You only make three or four big decisions in your entire life.\u201d We live in those little mundane moments. It\u2019s in those moments that a marriage disintegrates. Now, fortunately, they did the right thing. She got on the phone and said: \u201cThis already has not been what we were expecting. We need help.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was the beginning of real good things for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We start the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, Paul, with a message called \u201cFive Reasons Why Marriages Fail\u201d. One of those reasons is that reality begins to edit the illusion. That\u2019s what you\u2019re talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>In the midst of everyday life\u2014the mundane\u2014reality begins to chip away at the feelings and the emotions\u2014and reveals that it\u2019s not only <em>not<\/em> a sturdy foundation\u2014it is quicksand.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The more you struggle with the emotions, the more you\u2019re going to go under.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay, so if it\u2019s not love that keeps you together, if it\u2019s not that strong\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well now, we didn\u2019t say that, though. We didn\u2019t say that it wasn\u2019t love that kept us together. We\u2019re talking about a false kind of love, here, that equates love with feelings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019re talking about romance and passion. If that\u2019s not the foundation; what is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Well, sort of the theme phrase of the book is: \u201cA marriage of unity, and love, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it\u2019s rooted in worship.\u201d Now, that\u2019s one of those sentences where you can understand all of the words and not know what it means\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong> \u2014because, when people hear the word, \u201cworship\u201d, they think Sunday morning\u2014singing, preaching, hymns. They don\u2019t realize that worship is, first, my identity before it\u2019s ever an activity. Marriage has to get at what really rules my heart\u2014and what\u2019s really controlling me\u2014because I drag <em>that<\/em> into this relationship. I never leave my heart at the door.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a passage in Second Corinthians 5:15 I think is tremendously helpful. It says, \u201cJesus came\u201d\u2014this is the purpose statement for the cross\u2014\u201cso that those who live would no longer live for themselves, but for Him who loved them and gave Himself for them.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul is arguing that the DNA of sin is selfishness. Rather than living for something bigger than myself\u2014two great commands\u2014for God with respect to other people\u2014I shrink the world down to the small confines of my wants, my needs, my feelings. If the DNA of sin is selfishness, then sin, in its fundamental form, is antisocial because: \u201cI really don\u2019t want to love you. I want you to love me as much as I do.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong> I\u2019m shopping for somebody who will deliver, to me, the things that I want. So, if the DNA of sin is selfishness, then sin, in its fundamental form, is antisocial.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the third thing: It will cause me to dehumanize that person in my life. I quit looking at them as an object of affection. They become a vehicle or an obstacle: \u201cIf you help me get what I want, I love you. I thank God that you\u2019re in my life,\u201d\u2014cards and flowers. \u201cIf you stand in the way of what I want, I\u2019m spontaneously impatient and angry because you\u2019re an obstacle.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, who talks about this stuff? What marriage book talks about this stuff? It\u2019s a scandal because this is the seedbed of all that low-level nastiness. We fight about things that don\u2019t make any difference because we\u2019re so self-oriented. We make big issues out of little things. If you\u2019re fighting about all those little things, you never get to the big, important things in your marriage because you\u2019re expending so much effort just being able to cope with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>When I think of the word, \u201cworship\u201d, I think of affection: \u201cWhat\u2019s important to me? What am I fond of? What gets my attention?\u00a0 What demands my allegiance?\u201d What I hear you saying is that: \u201cIf we make Jesus Christ, the Scriptures, and God the centerpiece of our existence\u2014our identity\u2014then, there\u2019s hope for two imperfect people, in a fallen world, to make a real marriage work.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Absolutely. I like what you said there. I tend to say it this way\u2014that: \u201cThis side of eternity, it\u2019s very hard for me to keep\u2014what is truly important\u2014important in my life. I allow things that are not important to rise to levels of importance, and they begin to set the agenda. Although I haven\u2019t forsaken Jesus, there\u2019s now something in my life that\u2019s in the place of Jesus in my life.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, here\u2019s what this means. I think this is really radical. That means that you don\u2019t <em>first<\/em> fix marriages, horizontally. You first fix them, vertically. You have to deal with that heart issue: \u201cWhat has your affection? What are the treasures\/pleasures that you\u2019re actually living for?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Paul, you used an illustration of a woman who turned her home into a design museum.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat really is describing Jeanie and her husband Tony, but Tony had another thing that he worshipped. It was his career. Can you kind of unpack how\u2014these two, who were married together\u2014how he\u2019s worshipping his career \/ she\u2019s worshipping her home\u2014how it was nearly their undoing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, think about guys like Tony. If I\u2019m worshipping my career, and it\u2019s the end of my day, I am actually driving <em>away from<\/em> the domain that gives me value\u2014that gives me identity, that gives me meaning and purpose. What\u2014if I\u2019m honest with myself\u2014what I actually want is to be left alone, when I get home, because that domain is not valuable to me. I can feel myself getting a bit uptight as I\u2019m getting nearer my house because I know there\u2019s going to be expectations for me\u2014that are not exciting, and engaging, and meaningful to me\u2014because my identity is back there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, a guy will stay at the office longer\u2014as long as he can\u2014and only go home just to do the bare minimum, if he\u2019s wired that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>And he sort of sighs his way through the dinner meal\u2014you know, [sighs] \u2014and then he goes off to his cave. Meanwhile, she\u2019s built this physical environment that is her identity. She wants him to participate in the affirmation of that and the participation of keeping this environment that way. I mean, this will never work because what engages her is not of interest to him, at all; and what engages him is not of interest to her, at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They have two different worlds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And what you\u2019re saying is: \u201cYou can\u2019t begin to make the marriage the new world that they both focus on.\u201d It\u2019s not found on the horizontal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt really is found in the vertical\u2014of people turning their hearts toward an affection toward Jesus Christ, and a surrender to Him to do His will, and live life, wisely, according to the Scriptures; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Yes, the way that I would say that is: \u201cYou recognize that war\u2014that\u2019s fought in all situations and locations of everyday life\u2014between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of self. When you have two people\u2014who exit their little claustrophobic kingdoms and begin to get engaged and excited about the kingdom of God\u2014now, they\u2019re serving the same kingdom. They\u2019re serving the same King. They have the same set of values.\u00a0 What\u2019s meaningful and purposeful in life\u2014they share. Now, they\u2019ve got a basis for unity, understanding, and love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And they understand what real love is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So\u2014a couple who looks at the experience of life, and they go: \u201cYes, I\u2019d rather be at work,\u201d or, \u201cI\u2019d rather be playing golf on Saturday morning,\u201d and, \u201cWe\u2019d like it to be better than it is.\u201d How do they move from where they are to where they need to be?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Here\u2019s the first thing\u2014I think this is very difficult but is liberating\u2014I look in the mirror; and I say: \u201cI am my greatest marriage problem\u2014not my circumstances, not my children, not my wife. My biggest marriage difficulty exists inside of me, not outside of me.\u201d What Paul says is tremendously humbling\u2014in Second Corinthians\u2014and tremendously liberating\u2014is: \u201cJesus Christ came to rescue me from me because I\u2019m my biggest danger to me. I do this to me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you get two people who get that! I mean\u2014think about this\u2014\u2014average marriage counseling\u2014you ask the wife, \u2018What\u2019s wrong with your marriage?\u2019 who\u2019s she going to talk about?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Her husband; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>And Paul says: \u201cDon\u2019t you get it? This thing is inside of you.\u201d\u00a0 Now, the encouraging thing is this is exactly what Jesus came for\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tto liberate you from you so that you can know the thing that you were made for\u2014a life of loving, worship, and service of God, and a life of love for the people God has placed in your life. There is true contentment\u2014true joy\u2014but <em>you<\/em> need to be free from you, and only the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ has the power to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, and it is Christ\u2019s words that lift us from living life on the horizontal and thinking it\u2019s found there. I\u2019m just reflecting back on what He said in John 15:12-13.\u00a0 Jesus said to the disciples\u2014He said: \u201cThis is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this,\u201d Now, this is a key statement.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf the King of the universe is making a statement to say, \u201cI\u2019m about to give you a picture that is the greatest picture of love that any person can possess,\u201d wouldn\u2019t you move to the edge of your seat to hear what the Savior said? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell here\u2019s what He said:\u00a0 \u201cGreater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.\u201d And who\u2019s your friend?\u00a0 Well, I think your spouse is. I think that\u2019s where you start. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think what you\u2019re calling people to do, Paul, in your book, is really taking them back to the Bible\u2014and the words of Christ\u2014and calling them back to the cross of Christ, which demands our submission to Him. It demands our affection because that\u2019s where the love of God was poured out on our behalf. Christ is alive from the dead, and He\u2019s not a dead God. He is worthy of our worship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we worship Him, He will give us the ability to love. We won\u2019t do it perfectly\u2014we\u2019re still going to have those mundane moments.\u00a0 We\u2019re still going to live in them, but you know what? Your lives\u2014your marriage, your family, and your legacy\u2014are going to be lifted to a whole new level.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I love the way you talked about this in <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em> video series\u2014when you said, \u201cWhat the cross promises a marriage is fresh starts and new beginnings.\u201d That is a whole new level of marriage. That\u2019s really what we\u2019re trying to communicate in <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em> video series. We got guys like Paul David Tripp together with Crawford Lorritts, and Voddie Baucham, and Al Mohler, and Russell Moore, and Dennis Rainey, and Michael Easley. We got all these guys and had them talk about what marriage is supposed to look like, from a biblical perspective.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo far, we\u2019ve had more than 350,000 who have been to an <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> event. We have had several thousand couples who have stepped forward to say, \u201cWe would be willing to host one of these events in our local church.\u201d That is what has caused <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em> to be received as widely as it has been.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur team noticed that\u2014next year, February of 2014\u2014Valentine\u2019s Day is on a Friday night. We thought: \u201cWhy don\u2019t we see if we can\u2019t encourage <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, and others, to host an <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> event on Valentine\u2019s weekend in their local church? What if we could get 2,014 churches doing this on 2-14 in 2014?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, if you want to do something other than <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em> that weekend, there are other great video resources that you can use; or your church could put on its own event of some kind; but wouldn\u2019t it be cool if there were thousands of churches\u2014all doing something\u2014to promote a biblical understanding of marriage on Valentine\u2019s weekend?\u00a0 That\u2019s what our goal is for 2014. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo add a little incentive to the mix here, if you\u2019re willing to host one of these events, we will partner with you. We\u2019ll send you the event kit for free. Here\u2019s how that works: You go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You click on the link for <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em>. We\u2019ll get you a certificate that is good for a free event kit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, all you have to do is get at least five couples signed up to be part of your <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> event, whether you\u2019re having it Valentine\u2019s weekend or some other time this spring. You get, at least, five other couples; and you place your order for the manuals for those couples. If you\u2019re ordering, at least, five couples\u2019 sets of manuals, we\u2019ll send you the event kit free with your certificate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, today, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link for <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em>. Get your certificate and have that ready. Then, as you start to plan the event\u2014\u2014when you\u2019re ready to order your workbooks\u2014just include the certificate when you place your order for the manuals; alright?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, while you\u2019re on our website, check out the information about Paul David Tripp\u2019s book on marriage. It\u2019s called <em>What Did You Expect? <\/em>Paul says, in the book: \u201cSince we\u2019re always sinners married to sinners, being reconciled to one another isn\u2019t just the right response in moments of failure. We have to live a lifestyle of reconciliation to have a healthy marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe talks about that in the book, <em>What Did You Expect? <\/em>You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBe sure to join us back again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about what happens in a marriage when we start to make mountains out of molehills. Come on\u2014let\u2019s be honest. We\u2019ve all done it; right? We\u2019ll talk about it tomorrow with Paul David Tripp. I hope you can be here for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.24M"],"filesize_raw":["24367504"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302863.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302863.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Paul David Tripp talks about the reality of marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-11-18.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cCan you remember what was the expectation you had of marriage\u2014that it didn\u2019t take long, after you were married, to realize, \u2018I wasn\u2019t thinking straight.\u2019?\u201d Do you remember anything that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I remember that part of the process that we went through, as a couple, in really solidifying our engagement was we wrote down all of our fears. I had four pages of fears\u2014single-spaced! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean\u2014all kinds of things! They were tied to expectations\u2014wanting to be a great husband and being afraid I wouldn\u2019t be able to execute that\u2014wanting to be a lover of my wife\u2019s soul and not being certain how [I] could do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You see, you were just over-thinking the whole deal because I just thought marriage was like dating forever\u2014but you get to have sex\u2014that\u2019s I was thinking! [Laughter] You know, it kind of worked out okay for me except there was some reality that got thrown into it\u2014the mix.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and we\u2019ve got a guest with us in the studio, Bob. It\u2019s not often that we can genuinely label one of our guests as a trouble-maker, but Paul David Tripp is a trouble-maker. The reason he\u2019s a trouble-maker is he is unwilling to allow people to settle for mediocrity. So, he\u2019s going to stir the pot. He\u2019s been on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> before, and I\u2019d just like to welcome him back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul, it\u2019s great to have you back on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>It is great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He\u2019s written a book called <em>What Did You Expect? <\/em>\u00a0He and his wife Luella have four adult children. Paul is the President of Paul Tripp Ministries. He\u2019s a counselor and author. How many books have you written now, Paul?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Eleven.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Eleven? This one\u2014<em>What Did You Expect?<\/em>\u2014talks about what Bob was discussing here\u2014our expectations about marriage. When people get married today, they really do have high expectations; don\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Well, my experience, as a premarital counselor, is that, again and again, I\u2019d be sitting with a couple, trying to get them to <em>think<\/em> about marriage in a realistic way. A potential wife is looking at a potential husband with what I call \u201cgoo-goo eyes\u201d. I can barely get their attention. She\u2019ll say something along these lines:\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think I could ever get angry at him.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m angry just to hear it!\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking, \u201cNow, what\u2019s a more biblical way of thinking about marriage?\u201d Here it is: \u201cWhat is marriage? It\u2019s a flawed person married to a flawed person in a fallen world\u201d\u2014are you encouraged yet? [Laughter]\u2014but with a faithful God.\u201d I think there are <em>thousands<\/em> of couples that get married with unrealistic expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And they\u2019re thinking kind of like I was thinking\u2014that: \u201cThis is just dating, but you get to mix in sex; and it\u2019s going to be happy ever after.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, part of the problem is the weirdness of Western culture dating. That\u2019s the difficulty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, the whole dating system is set up to\u2014I don\u2019t want to say to deceive the other person because it\u2019s not really intentional deceit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>It\u2019s not self-conscious.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s just two people who are trying to impress one another. Help us understand how it is\u2014in Western culture\u2014we enter into this most intimate of all relationships with so many unrealistic expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>I think that we think that strength of affection\u2014strength of romance\u2014is a sturdy enough foundation to protect us from the kinds of things that <em>other<\/em> people are dealing with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We think it\u2019s going to carry the day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Yes. The fact of the matter is that what really creates the difficulty that we have in living in relationship with one another lives at a profoundly deeper level than romance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRomance is just not enough of a foundation to make a long-term, perseverant, healthy relationship work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When I was growing up, I heard on the radio: <em>Love Will Keep Us Together<\/em> and <em>All You Need Is Love<\/em>. I remember people getting married with no job and no money. They would say, \u201cWe don\u2019t need those things because our love will sustain us,\u201d only to find out that you do need some of those things to sustain life beyond a couple of weeks; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Yes, I think that what you\u2019ve talked about is sort of deep in the sort of functional philosophy of Western culture: \u201cLove will do it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. You watch the romance movies, and they reinforce that. The love songs reinforce that. It\u2019s not until we\u2019re trying to do real marriage that we get the wake-up call. What happens to a couple when they get that wake-up call?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, panic. Often, the panic then leads to all kinds of dysfunctional ways of <em>responding<\/em> to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe call that I got, closest to the marriage ceremony, was six-thirty the next morning. The wife calls me; and she says, \u201cIt\u2019s over!\u201d My response to her\u2014she didn\u2019t understand at first\u2014I said, \u201cPraise the Lord!\u201d because I think, at that point, they really face the reality: \u201cWe are two people in desperate need of help.\u201d They were ready, at that point, to make a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What had happened between the wedding and six-thirty the next morning? Do you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Reality\u2014just that low-level self-centeredness, impatience, easy irritation\u2014all those kinds of things that are really where marriages go wrong. Think about this: \u201cWe don\u2019t live in big moments. You only make three or four big decisions in your entire life.\u201d We live in those little mundane moments. It\u2019s in those moments that a marriage disintegrates. Now, fortunately, they did the right thing. She got on the phone and said: \u201cThis already has not been what we were expecting. We need help.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was the beginning of real good things for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We start the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, Paul, with a message called \u201cFive Reasons Why Marriages Fail\u201d. One of those reasons is that reality begins to edit the illusion. That\u2019s what you\u2019re talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>In the midst of everyday life\u2014the mundane\u2014reality begins to chip away at the feelings and the emotions\u2014and reveals that it\u2019s not only <em>not<\/em> a sturdy foundation\u2014it is quicksand.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The more you struggle with the emotions, the more you\u2019re going to go under.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay, so if it\u2019s not love that keeps you together, if it\u2019s not that strong\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well now, we didn\u2019t say that, though. We didn\u2019t say that it wasn\u2019t love that kept us together. We\u2019re talking about a false kind of love, here, that equates love with feelings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019re talking about romance and passion. If that\u2019s not the foundation; what is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Well, sort of the theme phrase of the book is: \u201cA marriage of unity, and love, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it\u2019s rooted in worship.\u201d Now, that\u2019s one of those sentences where you can understand all of the words and not know what it means\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong> \u2014because, when people hear the word, \u201cworship\u201d, they think Sunday morning\u2014singing, preaching, hymns. They don\u2019t realize that worship is, first, my identity before it\u2019s ever an activity. Marriage has to get at what really rules my heart\u2014and what\u2019s really controlling me\u2014because I drag <em>that<\/em> into this relationship. I never leave my heart at the door.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a passage in Second Corinthians 5:15 I think is tremendously helpful. It says, \u201cJesus came\u201d\u2014this is the purpose statement for the cross\u2014\u201cso that those who live would no longer live for themselves, but for Him who loved them and gave Himself for them.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul is arguing that the DNA of sin is selfishness. Rather than living for something bigger than myself\u2014two great commands\u2014for God with respect to other people\u2014I shrink the world down to the small confines of my wants, my needs, my feelings. If the DNA of sin is selfishness, then sin, in its fundamental form, is antisocial because: \u201cI really don\u2019t want to love you. I want you to love me as much as I do.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong> I\u2019m shopping for somebody who will deliver, to me, the things that I want. So, if the DNA of sin is selfishness, then sin, in its fundamental form, is antisocial.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the third thing: It will cause me to dehumanize that person in my life. I quit looking at them as an object of affection. They become a vehicle or an obstacle: \u201cIf you help me get what I want, I love you. I thank God that you\u2019re in my life,\u201d\u2014cards and flowers. \u201cIf you stand in the way of what I want, I\u2019m spontaneously impatient and angry because you\u2019re an obstacle.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, who talks about this stuff? What marriage book talks about this stuff? It\u2019s a scandal because this is the seedbed of all that low-level nastiness. We fight about things that don\u2019t make any difference because we\u2019re so self-oriented. We make big issues out of little things. If you\u2019re fighting about all those little things, you never get to the big, important things in your marriage because you\u2019re expending so much effort just being able to cope with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>When I think of the word, \u201cworship\u201d, I think of affection: \u201cWhat\u2019s important to me? What am I fond of? What gets my attention?\u00a0 What demands my allegiance?\u201d What I hear you saying is that: \u201cIf we make Jesus Christ, the Scriptures, and God the centerpiece of our existence\u2014our identity\u2014then, there\u2019s hope for two imperfect people, in a fallen world, to make a real marriage work.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Absolutely. I like what you said there. I tend to say it this way\u2014that: \u201cThis side of eternity, it\u2019s very hard for me to keep\u2014what is truly important\u2014important in my life. I allow things that are not important to rise to levels of importance, and they begin to set the agenda. Although I haven\u2019t forsaken Jesus, there\u2019s now something in my life that\u2019s in the place of Jesus in my life.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, here\u2019s what this means. I think this is really radical. That means that you don\u2019t <em>first<\/em> fix marriages, horizontally. You first fix them, vertically. You have to deal with that heart issue: \u201cWhat has your affection? What are the treasures\/pleasures that you\u2019re actually living for?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Paul, you used an illustration of a woman who turned her home into a design museum.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat really is describing Jeanie and her husband Tony, but Tony had another thing that he worshipped. It was his career. Can you kind of unpack how\u2014these two, who were married together\u2014how he\u2019s worshipping his career \/ she\u2019s worshipping her home\u2014how it was nearly their undoing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, think about guys like Tony. If I\u2019m worshipping my career, and it\u2019s the end of my day, I am actually driving <em>away from<\/em> the domain that gives me value\u2014that gives me identity, that gives me meaning and purpose. What\u2014if I\u2019m honest with myself\u2014what I actually want is to be left alone, when I get home, because that domain is not valuable to me. I can feel myself getting a bit uptight as I\u2019m getting nearer my house because I know there\u2019s going to be expectations for me\u2014that are not exciting, and engaging, and meaningful to me\u2014because my identity is back there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, a guy will stay at the office longer\u2014as long as he can\u2014and only go home just to do the bare minimum, if he\u2019s wired that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>And he sort of sighs his way through the dinner meal\u2014you know, [sighs] \u2014and then he goes off to his cave. Meanwhile, she\u2019s built this physical environment that is her identity. She wants him to participate in the affirmation of that and the participation of keeping this environment that way. I mean, this will never work because what engages her is not of interest to him, at all; and what engages him is not of interest to her, at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They have two different worlds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And what you\u2019re saying is: \u201cYou can\u2019t begin to make the marriage the new world that they both focus on.\u201d It\u2019s not found on the horizontal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt really is found in the vertical\u2014of people turning their hearts toward an affection toward Jesus Christ, and a surrender to Him to do His will, and live life, wisely, according to the Scriptures; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Yes, the way that I would say that is: \u201cYou recognize that war\u2014that\u2019s fought in all situations and locations of everyday life\u2014between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of self. When you have two people\u2014who exit their little claustrophobic kingdoms and begin to get engaged and excited about the kingdom of God\u2014now, they\u2019re serving the same kingdom. They\u2019re serving the same King. They have the same set of values.\u00a0 What\u2019s meaningful and purposeful in life\u2014they share. Now, they\u2019ve got a basis for unity, understanding, and love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And they understand what real love is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So\u2014a couple who looks at the experience of life, and they go: \u201cYes, I\u2019d rather be at work,\u201d or, \u201cI\u2019d rather be playing golf on Saturday morning,\u201d and, \u201cWe\u2019d like it to be better than it is.\u201d How do they move from where they are to where they need to be?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>Here\u2019s the first thing\u2014I think this is very difficult but is liberating\u2014I look in the mirror; and I say: \u201cI am my greatest marriage problem\u2014not my circumstances, not my children, not my wife. My biggest marriage difficulty exists inside of me, not outside of me.\u201d What Paul says is tremendously humbling\u2014in Second Corinthians\u2014and tremendously liberating\u2014is: \u201cJesus Christ came to rescue me from me because I\u2019m my biggest danger to me. I do this to me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you get two people who get that! I mean\u2014think about this\u2014\u2014average marriage counseling\u2014you ask the wife, \u2018What\u2019s wrong with your marriage?\u2019 who\u2019s she going to talk about?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Her husband; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul: <\/strong>And Paul says: \u201cDon\u2019t you get it? This thing is inside of you.\u201d\u00a0 Now, the encouraging thing is this is exactly what Jesus came for\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tto liberate you from you so that you can know the thing that you were made for\u2014a life of loving, worship, and service of God, and a life of love for the people God has placed in your life. There is true contentment\u2014true joy\u2014but <em>you<\/em> need to be free from you, and only the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ has the power to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, and it is Christ\u2019s words that lift us from living life on the horizontal and thinking it\u2019s found there. I\u2019m just reflecting back on what He said in John 15:12-13.\u00a0 Jesus said to the disciples\u2014He said: \u201cThis is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this,\u201d Now, this is a key statement.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf the King of the universe is making a statement to say, \u201cI\u2019m about to give you a picture that is the greatest picture of love that any person can possess,\u201d wouldn\u2019t you move to the edge of your seat to hear what the Savior said? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell here\u2019s what He said:\u00a0 \u201cGreater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.\u201d And who\u2019s your friend?\u00a0 Well, I think your spouse is. I think that\u2019s where you start. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think what you\u2019re calling people to do, Paul, in your book, is really taking them back to the Bible\u2014and the words of Christ\u2014and calling them back to the cross of Christ, which demands our submission to Him. It demands our affection because that\u2019s where the love of God was poured out on our behalf. Christ is alive from the dead, and He\u2019s not a dead God. He is worthy of our worship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we worship Him, He will give us the ability to love. We won\u2019t do it perfectly\u2014we\u2019re still going to have those mundane moments.\u00a0 We\u2019re still going to live in them, but you know what? Your lives\u2014your marriage, your family, and your legacy\u2014are going to be lifted to a whole new level.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I love the way you talked about this in <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em> video series\u2014when you said, \u201cWhat the cross promises a marriage is fresh starts and new beginnings.\u201d That is a whole new level of marriage. That\u2019s really what we\u2019re trying to communicate in <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em> video series. We got guys like Paul David Tripp together with Crawford Lorritts, and Voddie Baucham, and Al Mohler, and Russell Moore, and Dennis Rainey, and Michael Easley. We got all these guys and had them talk about what marriage is supposed to look like, from a biblical perspective.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo far, we\u2019ve had more than 350,000 who have been to an <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> event. We have had several thousand couples who have stepped forward to say, \u201cWe would be willing to host one of these events in our local church.\u201d That is what has caused <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em> to be received as widely as it has been.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur team noticed that\u2014next year, February of 2014\u2014Valentine\u2019s Day is on a Friday night. We thought: \u201cWhy don\u2019t we see if we can\u2019t encourage <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, and others, to host an <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> event on Valentine\u2019s weekend in their local church? What if we could get 2,014 churches doing this on 2-14 in 2014?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, if you want to do something other than <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em> that weekend, there are other great video resources that you can use; or your church could put on its own event of some kind; but wouldn\u2019t it be cool if there were thousands of churches\u2014all doing something\u2014to promote a biblical understanding of marriage on Valentine\u2019s weekend?\u00a0 That\u2019s what our goal is for 2014. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo add a little incentive to the mix here, if you\u2019re willing to host one of these events, we will partner with you. We\u2019ll send you the event kit for free. Here\u2019s how that works: You go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You click on the link for <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em>. We\u2019ll get you a certificate that is good for a free event kit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, all you have to do is get at least five couples signed up to be part of your <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> event, whether you\u2019re having it Valentine\u2019s weekend or some other time this spring. You get, at least, five other couples; and you place your order for the manuals for those couples. If you\u2019re ordering, at least, five couples\u2019 sets of manuals, we\u2019ll send you the event kit free with your certificate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, today, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link for <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em>. Get your certificate and have that ready. Then, as you start to plan the event\u2014\u2014when you\u2019re ready to order your workbooks\u2014just include the certificate when you place your order for the manuals; alright?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, while you\u2019re on our website, check out the information about Paul David Tripp\u2019s book on marriage. It\u2019s called <em>What Did You Expect? <\/em>Paul says, in the book: \u201cSince we\u2019re always sinners married to sinners, being reconciled to one another isn\u2019t just the right response in moments of failure. We have to live a lifestyle of reconciliation to have a healthy marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe talks about that in the book, <em>What Did You Expect? <\/em>You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBe sure to join us back again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about what happens in a marriage when we start to make mountains out of molehills. Come on\u2014let\u2019s be honest. We\u2019ve all done it; right? We\u2019ll talk about it tomorrow with Paul David Tripp. I hope you can be here for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302863","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302863"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302863"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302863"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302863"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302863"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302863"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302863"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}