{"id":302790,"date":"2013-08-01T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-08-01T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/are-you-unselfish\/"},"modified":"2013-08-01T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-08-01T15:00:00","slug":"are-you-unselfish","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/are-you-unselfish\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You Unselfish?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jill Rigby explains how emphasizing self-esteem over service encourages a child&#8217;s natural selfishness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-08-01.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"20.82M","filesize_raw":"21833055","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850],"tags":[5292],"podcast_series":[7590],"cwp_profile":[3064],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302790","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","tag-young-children","podcast_series-raising-unselfish-children","cwp_profile-jill-rigby","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302790\/are-you-unselfish","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302790\/are-you-unselfish","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"3VMgeRmupe\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/are-you-unselfish\/\">Are You Unselfish?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/are-you-unselfish\/embed\/#?secret=3VMgeRmupe\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Are You Unselfish?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"3VMgeRmupe\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-08-01.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-08-01.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do your children ever have a selfish or demanding attitude?\u00a0 Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, \"Where did they learn that?\" Here's Jill Rigby.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill: <\/strong>It's real easy for us to look at our kids and say, \"Look, enough is enough! The answer is: \u2018No!\u2019 \u2018No, I'm not going to buy this.\u2019\u00a0 \u2018No, we're not going to do that.\u2019\" But yet, when was the last time we said to ourselves that, \u201cEnough is enough\u201d? Ouch!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt has to begin by cleaning out our own hearts. The real practical suggestion for that is we just need to do the 139. Most of us know that\u2014Psalm 139:23-24: \"Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is an offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, August 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We're going to talk today about raising unselfish children. One of the things we're going to have to look at is what we're modeling. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob, Bob, Bob, I've got to ask you a question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Are you raising your children to a window or to a mirror?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Raising them to a window\u2014they have both. There's a mirror in their bedroom, and there's a\u2014there are a couple of windows in their bedroom and, in fact\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, everybody knows teenage boys use mirrors a whole lot more than they did when they were 'tweens, and toddlers, and stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So I'm thinking about it\u2014I'm thinking there are actually some blinds that need to be replaced in a few of those windows so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You're wondering if Mary Ann called me or something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. What is the agenda here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, we're going to ask what that means\u2014of our author on today's broadcast, Jill Rigby. Jill, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Now, explain to Bob, before I introduce you to our listeners, what does it mean if you're raising your children to a window or to a mirror?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Well, that's a critical question that parents must answer today. What that means is\u2014that if we're raising our children to a mirror\u2014then, we're raising them to have self-esteem, which means we're raising them, from the time they're born\u2014we place a crown on their heads, and we place a mirror in their hands so that they see themselves, believing that, \u201cIt's all about me.\u201d You know, the problem with the mirror is they can't see through the mirror to see others\u2014so, they only see themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tContrast that by\u2014if we're raising children at the window\u2014where they see their own reflection in the glass, but it's against the backdrop of the world. So, they see themselves; but they see beyond themselves into the world. It's the idea of raising children to find their place in the world, to serve the world, rather than in the mirror, which they think the world should serve them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I really like that illustration you used in your book, <em>Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World<\/em>, because I think children almost naturally want us to get the mirror out. I mean, they want it to be all about themselves. If a parent is not careful, that's exactly what will happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJill Rigby is founder of Manners of the Heart<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, which is a ministry really focused on the community\u2014all aspects of the community\u2014to bring back manners and respect back into the community. Is that correct?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes; yes, it is. We have elementary programs, middle school, high school programs. We do parenting seminars, and we also offer the business manners, which is training for marketplace and corporate training, as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you believe that manners\u2014basic etiquette\u2014is really a reflection of what's in people's hearts; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Well, and I'll even break it out a little more: Etiquette is really the rules; manners are the attitude behind the rules. Manners is the why you do what you do. My definition for manners is that it's an attitude of the heart that's self-giving, not self-serving. So, it's more about <em>why<\/em> you do what you do than what you do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, when you're training people in manners, you're really trying to do some attitude adjustment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely. We call it \"heart work\u201d\u2014like when I'm talking with parents, and in schools, I'll say, you know: \"You all need to help your kids do their homework. The teachers will assign the homework, and we're going to give you heart work to do.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it's really what your book is about. You're calling parents to raise children to be unselfish. Now, you talk about a challenge! I mean\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we all started\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think it might be easier to build a nuclear weapon than raising a child to be unselfish. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reality is we all start off selfish\u2014every one of us. So, the raw material for self-absorption is indigenous to every child. Every parent has got to recognize this is a primary aspect of what you're doing, as you raise your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> That's right. We're born with innate selfishness. I mean, that's how we come into the world. We come into the world with hearts filled up with bad stuff. I mean, that's why we need to have our hearts cleaned out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> \u2014to get us straight. Yet, what are we doing in today's culture? We have a child that's already selfish, and what are we doing?\u00a0 We're making him more selfish by making them focus in on themselves even more. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI consider parenting a sacred honor and a holy duty. It's such an honor to be blessed with a child. Consequently, we have a duty, to God, to help raise that child to go beyond themselves so they can see God and they could answer God's call. They can't do that if they're being raised in the mirror.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, Jill, this is not a call-in talk show; all right? But I can hear the cell phone ringing right now. Flip it open; and there is a mom, who says: \"I'm with you. I want to raise unselfish children; but where do I start, as a mom?\" Or it could be a dad. Let's say a dad calls in. What would you encourage them to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> This is a stinger. It's a forewarning. Here is a warning label on what I'm getting ready to say, \u201cIt has to start in your own heart.\u201d You know, it's real easy for us to look at our kids and say: \"Look, enough is enough!\u201d you know? \u201cThe answer is, \u2018No!\u2019: \u2018No, I'm not going to buy this.\u2019 \u2018No, we're not going to do that.\u2019\" But yet, when was the last time we said to ourselves that, \u201cEnough is enough\u201d? Ouch!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt has to begin by cleaning out our own hearts. The real practical suggestion for that is we just need to do the 139. I've taught a ladies' Bible study for many, many years. One of the Scriptures\u2014that is one of my daily prayers\u2014is Psalm 139:23-24. Most of us know that: \"Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is an offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.\" We used that in my ladies' Bible study for years. If a request turned into a complaint\u2014you know, a prayer request became a complaint, or someone was whining too much\u2014we would say, \"Honey, go home and do the 139. You know, that's your problem. That's what's wrong here.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have found that the more we pray: \"Search me, O God, test my heart\u2014know my anxious thoughts. Find that offensive way in me,\"\u2014that's the best place to start. Think how that can transform marriages\u2014when you're not saying: \"O Lord, fix him \/ fix her.\u201d \u201cO Lord, he's so selfish.\u201d \u201cLord, do something about that.\" No, you're just praying, \"Lord, fix me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, you hear that\u2014and I can think of some people who, I think, need to do the 139 a little more often because they're a little too full of themselves\u2014but you've also met people who do have this picture of themselves as unworthy. It's like they need somebody to pep them up a little bit\u2014they need some kind of self-esteem. How do you respond to that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> That's a really good question, and I get that a lot. May I be bold?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> I will be bold here. The place I've come to\u2014when I first started all this, I really felt like\u2014well, we need self-esteem, of course\u2014but we've just gone about it in the wrong way. That's the problem. That I've really come to the place\u2014first, let me say I'm an upside-down, backwards thinker. Everybody who ever hears me speak has to know that to understand me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Upside-down, backwards thinker?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, what does that mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> What that means is\u2014so often, what people see right-side up\u2014to me, it's upside down. You have to take things and look at them backwards to understand what's wrong. For instance, self-esteem doesn't sound like a bad thing; but if you look at it backwards, it's esteeming self. We're to esteem God, and our worth comes from Him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's fascinating when I'm speaking before an audience. I'm bold\u2014like in a school setting\u2014and I'll just walk out and say, \"You don't need self-esteem! And these kids don't need it, either!\" I just get these\u2014just like\u2014oh! I\u2019m getting the looks from Bob and Dennis, right now! [Laughter] Hey, it's deer in the headlights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, I can picture what they're saying, at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Can you imagine? Because, you know, in our school system\u2014I mean, in my opinion, this has had a huge impact on ruining our public school systems\u2014is this emphasis on self-esteem. But then, when I flip it, and I go, \"Okay, come on and go backwards with me,\"\u2014and esteeming self has a completely different ring to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let's go back to parents for a moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, before we go back to parents, can I just ask the author of the book, <em>Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014to respond to what we've talked about here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'd be glad to. Now, look who's in the headlights! She's in the headlights, now. No, Jill, I\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> I knew that was coming! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I agree with you because anybody who has read our book realizes that we've written about how our self-esteem\u2014our worth, our value\u2014ultimately, comes from God. Our spouse is, I think, the reflection of God's love to them, many times. That's why we're to build them up, edify them, strengthen them, encourage them, and have belief in them. But it's not a blind belief. It's not a belief that excludes God. It's one that realizes, if your spouse doesn't have a life that is calibrated according to who God is and what the Scriptures say, it's going to be an empty self-absorption, at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There are ways for people to have self-confidence, humility, self-respect\u2014these things you've talked about, without being self-absorbed. That's where the whole self-esteem movement has led us to\u2014narcissism and self-absorption; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Absolutely. And, you know, if you really trace back the history of the word\u2014the term, self-esteem\u2014it was coined in the 1890\u2019s by a psychiatrist\u2014psychologist, actually. Then, it came in; and it sat in the psychiatry circles and psychology circles in the '40s and even into the '50s. Then, it was in the late '60s that it was really brought out of just the psychological circles into mainstream; and we were told, \"This is the answer.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you really trace it\u2014the one person, man\u2014that you can go back to and say, \"This is the man who told us that.\" Do you know who it was? It was Carl Rogers. He's the grandfather of humanism. So, that's another red flag, for me, when I started digging so deeply to get to the bottom of all this\u2014when I kept thinking, \"Something is off in the way we're going about it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Jill, I want to go back to parents again and talk about how we can begin to empty our own hearts of our self-centeredness because that is, ultimately, the solution here. You, actually, give the readers of your book a number of questions, where they can measure how self-centered they really are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't want you to go over all 12 of the questions. In fact, what we'll do is\u2014we'll put them on our website. Folks can go visit these questions and ask them of themselves. But just pick three or four of them; and then, make some comments, if you would, please.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Okay. I call that the Generosity Quotient Test. I'll warn you\u2014these are some ouchy questions. Actually, the first one on the list is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I like it. I like this question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> \u201cDo you tip the waitress or waiter with the <em>same enthusiasm<\/em> with which you ordered your meal?\u201d Think of everything we're talking about\u2014these questions\u2014when you're testing your own heart\u2014that your children are sitting right there with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Can I say something about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I don't want to just run a bunny trail here; but somewhere in the last couple of years, I realized, that at most meals, the difference between 15 and 20 percent\u2014really, the difference between rounding up and rounding down\u2014amounts to a dollar or two, at a meal out. I think the difference between blessing somebody or causing them to have a bad day is a couple of bucks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've just thought: \"You know, if I'm going to err, I'm going to err on the side of generosity. It's a good thing for me to do that.\" It has transformed\u2014I look forward to the end of the meal, where I think, \"I can make somebody's day\u2014put a smile, add another dollar to the tip, and just cause him to go, 'Well, that was nice of that guy\u2026.'\" It's probably because I just want him to think I'm such a nice guy; don't you think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No, you know, you're right, though, Bob. It's all about the attitude, and that's what she's talking about here. One of the things that I've started doing; and I think I saw somebody else practice this was\u2014as we ordered our meal, we would ask the waiter or waitress to share with us how we might pray for them\u2014say: \"In a moment, we're going to ask the Lord to bless the food. We'd like to pray for you.\u201d One of the things that does, for me, though, Bob\u2014is at the end of the meal, \u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, you've got to tip; don't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, you have to tip\u2014to your point about being generous, at the end\u2014because you can't pray for somebody, and then leave a track, and tip 5 percent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the whole reason for this diagnostic question\u2014that you've got in your book\u2014is to ask the question: \"What's going on in my heart?\u00a0 Am I other-focused or am I self-focused?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Exactly. I mean, that's the whole purpose behind this little exercise. As a parent, it's because this is where it has to start. I often say, \"I really believe that the little things on earth are really the big things in heaven.\" Look at the Scriptures\u2014the numerous Scriptures, in God's Word, that talk about the heart. God is really much more concerned about the heart behind what we do than actually what we do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd what do we do?\u00a0 We work on all the behavioral stuff\u2014you know, in kids, and in ourselves\u2014and we've lost the focus that everything that is spoken and everything that we do started in the heart. I had a second-grader, one time\u2014who just put it down for everybody that had been taking Manners of the Heart. He said: \"Miss Jill, Miss Jill! I've got it! I've got it!\" He pointed to his mouth; and he said, \"What falls out of here came out of there.\"\u2014he pointed to his heart. I mean, he got it! So, that's really what all this is about\u2014you know, about your heart. Let me give you another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Before you do\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Go ahead.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014I have to confess to one thing. I did tip somebody 10 percent the other day, and I was being generous; okay? But I just want to get that out on the table; okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Your conscience was bothering you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> My conscience was pricking me. Ten percent was generous, considering how that had gone that particular day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The service that you received?\u00a0 Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; now, you may continue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Back to the Generosity Quotient Test.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes; yes, we need to\u2014Bob, you need to take this and see where you fall on it. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> By the way, folks can find this on our website\u2014this Generosity Quotient Test. It's got all 12 questions on it, but what's the next one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Okay, let's glance down to number 6: \"Will you watch your spouse\u2019s or your child's favorite television show, at the expense of your favorite?\" Don't give me the TiVo thing. I know, I know, I know. I told someone, just the other day: \"You know, think about this\u2014 we can put a TV in every bedroom now. You know how often we do that. And why do we do that?\u00a0 So everyone can watch their own show when they want to watch it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happened to the family television? We're losing the opportunity that our children have to learn the principles of having a generous heart, of learning how to share, of learning how to be unselfish by feeding\u2014see, what we do when we keep feeding that selfishness\u2014by, \u201cEverybody can have it their own way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And it doesn't work for Dad to say, \"Well, I'm going to teach you to be unselfish. You're always going to watch the show I want to watch,\u201d because Dad, at that point, is modeling his own selfishness. All they think is, \"When I grow up, I'm going to be selfish, too;\" right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely; absolutely. I know people probably get very tired of hearing that the best model is still by example, but the reason we keep saying it is because it's a truth that we can never get away from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> It tickles me\u2014and my manners\u2014all the stuff I talk about manners\u2014isn't it amazing how a well-mannered parent usually raises a well-mannered child? And, you know, a mom\u2014who tends to whine and a mom who tends to be that fussy mom\u2014usually, has the three-year-old who is a real complainer. You know, you just really can't get away from it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think I hear another cell phone coming through [Laughter]\u2014from a call here from a mom. Continue on with your test.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes; okay. How about\u2014alright, how about this one? \u201cDo you go the extra mile for the adults in your children's lives; for instance, coaches, teachers, school bus drivers, et cetera?\u201d You know, part of what I'm trying to help parents and, really, all of us get back to is\u2014especially, as Christians\u2014is that we leave behind that aroma of Christ. That's what a lot of this is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, when the service is not good, and you really don't think it was such a great job done, and you wish things had been different, but what if you bless them, anyway? You know? Isn't that really what Jesus did? Yes, He spoke the truth in love and, of course, there are times when we must speak the truth in love\u2014of course.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> With this list, you're not trying to say: \"Here is the checklist. If you can score a hundred on my 12 questions, you're going to raise unselfish children.\"\u00a0 You're really asking folks to diagnose: \u201cWhat is the orientation of their life and their heart?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Oh, very well-said; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And if a parent recognizes they're selfish, obviously, they need to confess that selfishness and repent of it, and may need to apologize\u2014in front of the child or to the child. I've done this with Barbara, many times, in front of our kids, because my selfishness was not pretty. It was not appropriate of me, as the husband and father of the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut where do they go after that?\u00a0 After they've repented, what do they begin to do to begin to demonstrate a selfless attitude?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Well, you know, there is remorse, repentance, and forgiveness\u2014I believe\u2014are the steps in there. Once that you've confessed, and you've recognized that there has been selfishness, and you've asked forgiveness from the Father, and you've asked forgiveness from your family members\u2014then, the word, \"repent\", does mean to turn around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe word \"repent\" means to turn your back on\u2014which means, it's not enough to say I'm sorry,\u201d and then next week have to turn around and say, \u201cI'm sorry,\u201d again for doing the same thing, and the next week. It's turning away from it. It's beginning to consciously, with great intent, turn away from those selfish acts and do things differently\u2014like, go back to the list and find those areas where you've been failing in. Then, make that conscious effort to do things in a different way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, you know, when you find yourself doing things a different way\u2014and you deny yourself, which is going to be at the core of selflessness\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014you've got to come back to what is Bob's favorite verse\u2014Philippians, Chapter 2, verse 3, \"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit but, in humility, count others more significant than yourself.\" So, you don't merely look out for your own interests. You look out for the interests of others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me, the way that it helps me to begin to do this is\u2014I begin to make a list of ways I can begin to look out for the interests of other people. For instance, my closest neighbor is Barbara. I began to write down, \u201cWhat are the things that speak to her of my selflessness?\u201d It's getting on her agenda\u2014entering her world\u2014doing things the way she likes to have them done, and to spend my time with her on her agenda.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, nobody is going to want to buy your book because we started off by saying, \"You may have some issues you have to deal with if you want to raise unselfish children.\" I mean, it's kind of like, \u201cJust tell me how to fix them; not how to fix me.\u201d But I think the point you've made here today is excellent. You may look at your children and say: \"Well, these kids do have selfishness. They are selfish.\u201d We have said, \"Yes, they're born that way; and you may be contributing rather than correcting.\" That's where we've got to start as we attempt to deal with this issue with our children. That's where you take readers, as they go through your book, <em>Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've got copies of Jill\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. If somebody thinks, \"I need a shortcut here,\u201d there are no shortcuts. You\u2019re going to have to dig in and address this subject the way that Jill addresses it in her book. Again, it\u2019s called <em>Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to find out more about the book; or if you\u2019d like to order online, the website again: FamilyLifeToday.com. You can also call, toll-free, to request the book. Our toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we\u2019ve been talking about here really ties in with a conversation we had, not long ago, with Kay Wyma, who was frustrated by the fact that her kids tended to have an entitlement mentality. They tended to think that certain things were just going to happen for them because those things happen for their friends\u2014like they were going to get a car when they turned 16, or Mom was going to do the laundry because other kids\u2019 moms did the laundry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe recognized this as a significant issue and decided to take a year for what she called <em>\u201c<\/em>cleaning house\u201d. We had a conversation with her about that year and what she did with her kids to help cultivate a sense of responsibility around the home. This week, we would love to send you a copy of our conversation with Kay Wyma as a way of saying, \u201cThank you for your financial support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is listener-supported. The cost for producing and syndicating this program is taken care of by folks, like you, who, from time to time, will get in touch with us and make a donation to help us cover those costs. We appreciate our Legacy Partners, who provide monthly support for this program, and those of you who just get in touch with us, on occasion, and say: \u201cKeep going. We believe in what you\u2019re doing. Your program is making a difference.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019d like to make a donation today, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d. Make an online donation, and we\u2019ll send you the CD of our conversation with Kay Wyma. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can make a donation over the phone. When you do, ask for the CD called <em>Cleaning House<\/em>;and we\u2019ll send that to you. Or if you\u2019d like to mail a donation to us, our mailing address is: <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>Box 7111, Little Rock, Arkansas. The zip code is 72223\u2014again, mail donations to: <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>,Box 7111, Little Rock, Arkansas, 72223. Let me just say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for your support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about parents who come to the realization that their children have been calling the shots, running the show. We\u2019re going to talk about what you do to begin to break that pattern in your child\u2019s life. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. 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Rigby explains how emphasizing self-esteem over service encourages a child's natural selfishness.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-08-01.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do your children ever have a selfish or demanding attitude?\u00a0 Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, \"Where did they learn that?\" Here's Jill Rigby.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill: <\/strong>It's real easy for us to look at our kids and say, \"Look, enough is enough! The answer is: \u2018No!\u2019 \u2018No, I'm not going to buy this.\u2019\u00a0 \u2018No, we're not going to do that.\u2019\" But yet, when was the last time we said to ourselves that, \u201cEnough is enough\u201d? Ouch!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt has to begin by cleaning out our own hearts. The real practical suggestion for that is we just need to do the 139. Most of us know that\u2014Psalm 139:23-24: \"Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is an offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, August 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We're going to talk today about raising unselfish children. One of the things we're going to have to look at is what we're modeling. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob, Bob, Bob, I've got to ask you a question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Are you raising your children to a window or to a mirror?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Raising them to a window\u2014they have both. There's a mirror in their bedroom, and there's a\u2014there are a couple of windows in their bedroom and, in fact\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, everybody knows teenage boys use mirrors a whole lot more than they did when they were 'tweens, and toddlers, and stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So I'm thinking about it\u2014I'm thinking there are actually some blinds that need to be replaced in a few of those windows so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You're wondering if Mary Ann called me or something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. What is the agenda here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, we're going to ask what that means\u2014of our author on today's broadcast, Jill Rigby. Jill, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Now, explain to Bob, before I introduce you to our listeners, what does it mean if you're raising your children to a window or to a mirror?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Well, that's a critical question that parents must answer today. What that means is\u2014that if we're raising our children to a mirror\u2014then, we're raising them to have self-esteem, which means we're raising them, from the time they're born\u2014we place a crown on their heads, and we place a mirror in their hands so that they see themselves, believing that, \u201cIt's all about me.\u201d You know, the problem with the mirror is they can't see through the mirror to see others\u2014so, they only see themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tContrast that by\u2014if we're raising children at the window\u2014where they see their own reflection in the glass, but it's against the backdrop of the world. So, they see themselves; but they see beyond themselves into the world. It's the idea of raising children to find their place in the world, to serve the world, rather than in the mirror, which they think the world should serve them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I really like that illustration you used in your book, <em>Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World<\/em>, because I think children almost naturally want us to get the mirror out. I mean, they want it to be all about themselves. If a parent is not careful, that's exactly what will happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJill Rigby is founder of Manners of the Heart<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, which is a ministry really focused on the community\u2014all aspects of the community\u2014to bring back manners and respect back into the community. Is that correct?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes; yes, it is. We have elementary programs, middle school, high school programs. We do parenting seminars, and we also offer the business manners, which is training for marketplace and corporate training, as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you believe that manners\u2014basic etiquette\u2014is really a reflection of what's in people's hearts; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Well, and I'll even break it out a little more: Etiquette is really the rules; manners are the attitude behind the rules. Manners is the why you do what you do. My definition for manners is that it's an attitude of the heart that's self-giving, not self-serving. So, it's more about <em>why<\/em> you do what you do than what you do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, when you're training people in manners, you're really trying to do some attitude adjustment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely. We call it \"heart work\u201d\u2014like when I'm talking with parents, and in schools, I'll say, you know: \"You all need to help your kids do their homework. The teachers will assign the homework, and we're going to give you heart work to do.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And it's really what your book is about. You're calling parents to raise children to be unselfish. Now, you talk about a challenge! I mean\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we all started\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think it might be easier to build a nuclear weapon than raising a child to be unselfish. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reality is we all start off selfish\u2014every one of us. So, the raw material for self-absorption is indigenous to every child. Every parent has got to recognize this is a primary aspect of what you're doing, as you raise your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> That's right. We're born with innate selfishness. I mean, that's how we come into the world. We come into the world with hearts filled up with bad stuff. I mean, that's why we need to have our hearts cleaned out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> \u2014to get us straight. Yet, what are we doing in today's culture? We have a child that's already selfish, and what are we doing?\u00a0 We're making him more selfish by making them focus in on themselves even more. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI consider parenting a sacred honor and a holy duty. It's such an honor to be blessed with a child. Consequently, we have a duty, to God, to help raise that child to go beyond themselves so they can see God and they could answer God's call. They can't do that if they're being raised in the mirror.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, Jill, this is not a call-in talk show; all right? But I can hear the cell phone ringing right now. Flip it open; and there is a mom, who says: \"I'm with you. I want to raise unselfish children; but where do I start, as a mom?\" Or it could be a dad. Let's say a dad calls in. What would you encourage them to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> This is a stinger. It's a forewarning. Here is a warning label on what I'm getting ready to say, \u201cIt has to start in your own heart.\u201d You know, it's real easy for us to look at our kids and say: \"Look, enough is enough!\u201d you know? \u201cThe answer is, \u2018No!\u2019: \u2018No, I'm not going to buy this.\u2019 \u2018No, we're not going to do that.\u2019\" But yet, when was the last time we said to ourselves that, \u201cEnough is enough\u201d? Ouch!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt has to begin by cleaning out our own hearts. The real practical suggestion for that is we just need to do the 139. I've taught a ladies' Bible study for many, many years. One of the Scriptures\u2014that is one of my daily prayers\u2014is Psalm 139:23-24. Most of us know that: \"Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is an offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.\" We used that in my ladies' Bible study for years. If a request turned into a complaint\u2014you know, a prayer request became a complaint, or someone was whining too much\u2014we would say, \"Honey, go home and do the 139. You know, that's your problem. That's what's wrong here.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have found that the more we pray: \"Search me, O God, test my heart\u2014know my anxious thoughts. Find that offensive way in me,\"\u2014that's the best place to start. Think how that can transform marriages\u2014when you're not saying: \"O Lord, fix him \/ fix her.\u201d \u201cO Lord, he's so selfish.\u201d \u201cLord, do something about that.\" No, you're just praying, \"Lord, fix me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, you hear that\u2014and I can think of some people who, I think, need to do the 139 a little more often because they're a little too full of themselves\u2014but you've also met people who do have this picture of themselves as unworthy. It's like they need somebody to pep them up a little bit\u2014they need some kind of self-esteem. How do you respond to that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> That's a really good question, and I get that a lot. May I be bold?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> I will be bold here. The place I've come to\u2014when I first started all this, I really felt like\u2014well, we need self-esteem, of course\u2014but we've just gone about it in the wrong way. That's the problem. That I've really come to the place\u2014first, let me say I'm an upside-down, backwards thinker. Everybody who ever hears me speak has to know that to understand me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Upside-down, backwards thinker?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, what does that mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> What that means is\u2014so often, what people see right-side up\u2014to me, it's upside down. You have to take things and look at them backwards to understand what's wrong. For instance, self-esteem doesn't sound like a bad thing; but if you look at it backwards, it's esteeming self. We're to esteem God, and our worth comes from Him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's fascinating when I'm speaking before an audience. I'm bold\u2014like in a school setting\u2014and I'll just walk out and say, \"You don't need self-esteem! And these kids don't need it, either!\" I just get these\u2014just like\u2014oh! I\u2019m getting the looks from Bob and Dennis, right now! [Laughter] Hey, it's deer in the headlights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, I can picture what they're saying, at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Can you imagine? Because, you know, in our school system\u2014I mean, in my opinion, this has had a huge impact on ruining our public school systems\u2014is this emphasis on self-esteem. But then, when I flip it, and I go, \"Okay, come on and go backwards with me,\"\u2014and esteeming self has a completely different ring to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let's go back to parents for a moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, before we go back to parents, can I just ask the author of the book, <em>Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014to respond to what we've talked about here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I'd be glad to. Now, look who's in the headlights! She's in the headlights, now. No, Jill, I\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> I knew that was coming! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I agree with you because anybody who has read our book realizes that we've written about how our self-esteem\u2014our worth, our value\u2014ultimately, comes from God. Our spouse is, I think, the reflection of God's love to them, many times. That's why we're to build them up, edify them, strengthen them, encourage them, and have belief in them. But it's not a blind belief. It's not a belief that excludes God. It's one that realizes, if your spouse doesn't have a life that is calibrated according to who God is and what the Scriptures say, it's going to be an empty self-absorption, at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There are ways for people to have self-confidence, humility, self-respect\u2014these things you've talked about, without being self-absorbed. That's where the whole self-esteem movement has led us to\u2014narcissism and self-absorption; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Absolutely. And, you know, if you really trace back the history of the word\u2014the term, self-esteem\u2014it was coined in the 1890\u2019s by a psychiatrist\u2014psychologist, actually. Then, it came in; and it sat in the psychiatry circles and psychology circles in the '40s and even into the '50s. Then, it was in the late '60s that it was really brought out of just the psychological circles into mainstream; and we were told, \"This is the answer.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you really trace it\u2014the one person, man\u2014that you can go back to and say, \"This is the man who told us that.\" Do you know who it was? It was Carl Rogers. He's the grandfather of humanism. So, that's another red flag, for me, when I started digging so deeply to get to the bottom of all this\u2014when I kept thinking, \"Something is off in the way we're going about it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Jill, I want to go back to parents again and talk about how we can begin to empty our own hearts of our self-centeredness because that is, ultimately, the solution here. You, actually, give the readers of your book a number of questions, where they can measure how self-centered they really are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't want you to go over all 12 of the questions. In fact, what we'll do is\u2014we'll put them on our website. Folks can go visit these questions and ask them of themselves. But just pick three or four of them; and then, make some comments, if you would, please.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Okay. I call that the Generosity Quotient Test. I'll warn you\u2014these are some ouchy questions. Actually, the first one on the list is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I like it. I like this question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> \u201cDo you tip the waitress or waiter with the <em>same enthusiasm<\/em> with which you ordered your meal?\u201d Think of everything we're talking about\u2014these questions\u2014when you're testing your own heart\u2014that your children are sitting right there with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Can I say something about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I don't want to just run a bunny trail here; but somewhere in the last couple of years, I realized, that at most meals, the difference between 15 and 20 percent\u2014really, the difference between rounding up and rounding down\u2014amounts to a dollar or two, at a meal out. I think the difference between blessing somebody or causing them to have a bad day is a couple of bucks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've just thought: \"You know, if I'm going to err, I'm going to err on the side of generosity. It's a good thing for me to do that.\" It has transformed\u2014I look forward to the end of the meal, where I think, \"I can make somebody's day\u2014put a smile, add another dollar to the tip, and just cause him to go, 'Well, that was nice of that guy\u2026.'\" It's probably because I just want him to think I'm such a nice guy; don't you think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No, you know, you're right, though, Bob. It's all about the attitude, and that's what she's talking about here. One of the things that I've started doing; and I think I saw somebody else practice this was\u2014as we ordered our meal, we would ask the waiter or waitress to share with us how we might pray for them\u2014say: \"In a moment, we're going to ask the Lord to bless the food. We'd like to pray for you.\u201d One of the things that does, for me, though, Bob\u2014is at the end of the meal, \u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, you've got to tip; don't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, you have to tip\u2014to your point about being generous, at the end\u2014because you can't pray for somebody, and then leave a track, and tip 5 percent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the whole reason for this diagnostic question\u2014that you've got in your book\u2014is to ask the question: \"What's going on in my heart?\u00a0 Am I other-focused or am I self-focused?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Exactly. I mean, that's the whole purpose behind this little exercise. As a parent, it's because this is where it has to start. I often say, \"I really believe that the little things on earth are really the big things in heaven.\" Look at the Scriptures\u2014the numerous Scriptures, in God's Word, that talk about the heart. God is really much more concerned about the heart behind what we do than actually what we do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd what do we do?\u00a0 We work on all the behavioral stuff\u2014you know, in kids, and in ourselves\u2014and we've lost the focus that everything that is spoken and everything that we do started in the heart. I had a second-grader, one time\u2014who just put it down for everybody that had been taking Manners of the Heart. He said: \"Miss Jill, Miss Jill! I've got it! I've got it!\" He pointed to his mouth; and he said, \"What falls out of here came out of there.\"\u2014he pointed to his heart. I mean, he got it! So, that's really what all this is about\u2014you know, about your heart. Let me give you another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Before you do\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Go ahead.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014I have to confess to one thing. I did tip somebody 10 percent the other day, and I was being generous; okay? But I just want to get that out on the table; okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Your conscience was bothering you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> My conscience was pricking me. Ten percent was generous, considering how that had gone that particular day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The service that you received?\u00a0 Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; now, you may continue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Back to the Generosity Quotient Test.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes; yes, we need to\u2014Bob, you need to take this and see where you fall on it. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> By the way, folks can find this on our website\u2014this Generosity Quotient Test. It's got all 12 questions on it, but what's the next one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Okay, let's glance down to number 6: \"Will you watch your spouse\u2019s or your child's favorite television show, at the expense of your favorite?\" Don't give me the TiVo thing. I know, I know, I know. I told someone, just the other day: \"You know, think about this\u2014 we can put a TV in every bedroom now. You know how often we do that. And why do we do that?\u00a0 So everyone can watch their own show when they want to watch it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happened to the family television? We're losing the opportunity that our children have to learn the principles of having a generous heart, of learning how to share, of learning how to be unselfish by feeding\u2014see, what we do when we keep feeding that selfishness\u2014by, \u201cEverybody can have it their own way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And it doesn't work for Dad to say, \"Well, I'm going to teach you to be unselfish. You're always going to watch the show I want to watch,\u201d because Dad, at that point, is modeling his own selfishness. All they think is, \"When I grow up, I'm going to be selfish, too;\" right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely; absolutely. I know people probably get very tired of hearing that the best model is still by example, but the reason we keep saying it is because it's a truth that we can never get away from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> It tickles me\u2014and my manners\u2014all the stuff I talk about manners\u2014isn't it amazing how a well-mannered parent usually raises a well-mannered child? And, you know, a mom\u2014who tends to whine and a mom who tends to be that fussy mom\u2014usually, has the three-year-old who is a real complainer. You know, you just really can't get away from it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think I hear another cell phone coming through [Laughter]\u2014from a call here from a mom. Continue on with your test.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Yes; okay. How about\u2014alright, how about this one? \u201cDo you go the extra mile for the adults in your children's lives; for instance, coaches, teachers, school bus drivers, et cetera?\u201d You know, part of what I'm trying to help parents and, really, all of us get back to is\u2014especially, as Christians\u2014is that we leave behind that aroma of Christ. That's what a lot of this is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, when the service is not good, and you really don't think it was such a great job done, and you wish things had been different, but what if you bless them, anyway? You know? Isn't that really what Jesus did? Yes, He spoke the truth in love and, of course, there are times when we must speak the truth in love\u2014of course.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> With this list, you're not trying to say: \"Here is the checklist. If you can score a hundred on my 12 questions, you're going to raise unselfish children.\"\u00a0 You're really asking folks to diagnose: \u201cWhat is the orientation of their life and their heart?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Oh, very well-said; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And if a parent recognizes they're selfish, obviously, they need to confess that selfishness and repent of it, and may need to apologize\u2014in front of the child or to the child. I've done this with Barbara, many times, in front of our kids, because my selfishness was not pretty. It was not appropriate of me, as the husband and father of the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut where do they go after that?\u00a0 After they've repented, what do they begin to do to begin to demonstrate a selfless attitude?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Well, you know, there is remorse, repentance, and forgiveness\u2014I believe\u2014are the steps in there. Once that you've confessed, and you've recognized that there has been selfishness, and you've asked forgiveness from the Father, and you've asked forgiveness from your family members\u2014then, the word, \"repent\", does mean to turn around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe word \"repent\" means to turn your back on\u2014which means, it's not enough to say I'm sorry,\u201d and then next week have to turn around and say, \u201cI'm sorry,\u201d again for doing the same thing, and the next week. It's turning away from it. It's beginning to consciously, with great intent, turn away from those selfish acts and do things differently\u2014like, go back to the list and find those areas where you've been failing in. Then, make that conscious effort to do things in a different way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, you know, when you find yourself doing things a different way\u2014and you deny yourself, which is going to be at the core of selflessness\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jill:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014you've got to come back to what is Bob's favorite verse\u2014Philippians, Chapter 2, verse 3, \"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit but, in humility, count others more significant than yourself.\" So, you don't merely look out for your own interests. You look out for the interests of others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me, the way that it helps me to begin to do this is\u2014I begin to make a list of ways I can begin to look out for the interests of other people. For instance, my closest neighbor is Barbara. I began to write down, \u201cWhat are the things that speak to her of my selflessness?\u201d It's getting on her agenda\u2014entering her world\u2014doing things the way she likes to have them done, and to spend my time with her on her agenda.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, nobody is going to want to buy your book because we started off by saying, \"You may have some issues you have to deal with if you want to raise unselfish children.\" I mean, it's kind of like, \u201cJust tell me how to fix them; not how to fix me.\u201d But I think the point you've made here today is excellent. You may look at your children and say: \"Well, these kids do have selfishness. They are selfish.\u201d We have said, \"Yes, they're born that way; and you may be contributing rather than correcting.\" That's where we've got to start as we attempt to deal with this issue with our children. That's where you take readers, as they go through your book, <em>Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've got copies of Jill\u2019s book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. If somebody thinks, \"I need a shortcut here,\u201d there are no shortcuts. You\u2019re going to have to dig in and address this subject the way that Jill addresses it in her book. Again, it\u2019s called <em>Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to find out more about the book; or if you\u2019d like to order online, the website again: FamilyLifeToday.com. You can also call, toll-free, to request the book. Our toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we\u2019ve been talking about here really ties in with a conversation we had, not long ago, with Kay Wyma, who was frustrated by the fact that her kids tended to have an entitlement mentality. They tended to think that certain things were just going to happen for them because those things happen for their friends\u2014like they were going to get a car when they turned 16, or Mom was going to do the laundry because other kids\u2019 moms did the laundry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe recognized this as a significant issue and decided to take a year for what she called <em>\u201c<\/em>cleaning house\u201d. We had a conversation with her about that year and what she did with her kids to help cultivate a sense of responsibility around the home. This week, we would love to send you a copy of our conversation with Kay Wyma as a way of saying, \u201cThank you for your financial support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is listener-supported. The cost for producing and syndicating this program is taken care of by folks, like you, who, from time to time, will get in touch with us and make a donation to help us cover those costs. We appreciate our Legacy Partners, who provide monthly support for this program, and those of you who just get in touch with us, on occasion, and say: \u201cKeep going. We believe in what you\u2019re doing. Your program is making a difference.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019d like to make a donation today, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d. Make an online donation, and we\u2019ll send you the CD of our conversation with Kay Wyma. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can make a donation over the phone. When you do, ask for the CD called <em>Cleaning House<\/em>;and we\u2019ll send that to you. Or if you\u2019d like to mail a donation to us, our mailing address is: <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>Box 7111, Little Rock, Arkansas. The zip code is 72223\u2014again, mail donations to: <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>,Box 7111, Little Rock, Arkansas, 72223. Let me just say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for your support of this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about parents who come to the realization that their children have been calling the shots, running the show. We\u2019re going to talk about what you do to begin to break that pattern in your child\u2019s life. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. 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