{"id":302732,"date":"2013-05-08T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-05-08T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/winning-as-a-stepmother-with-a-fathers-help\/"},"modified":"2013-05-08T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-05-08T15:00:00","slug":"winning-as-a-stepmother-with-a-fathers-help","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/winning-as-a-stepmother-with-a-fathers-help\/","title":{"rendered":"Winning as a Stepmother With a Father&#8217;s Help"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A father&#8217;s loyalty and support toward their wives can make a world of difference in a blended family.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-08.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.15M","filesize_raw":"26367738","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2892],"tags":[5276,2515],"podcast_series":[7687],"cwp_profile":[3308,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302732","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-working-as-a-team","tag-stepfamilies","tag-stepmom","podcast_series-the-smart-stepmom","cwp_profile-laura-petherbridge","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302732\/winning-as-a-stepmother-with-a-fathers-help","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302732\/winning-as-a-stepmother-with-a-fathers-help","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Ry2plTXqRo\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/winning-as-a-stepmother-with-a-fathers-help\/\">Winning as a Stepmother With a Father&#8217;s Help<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/winning-as-a-stepmother-with-a-fathers-help\/embed\/#?secret=Ry2plTXqRo\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Winning as a Stepmother With a Father&#8217;s Help&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Ry2plTXqRo\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-08.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-08.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 For a stepmom, the relationship with her stepchildren can be a challenge\u2014so can the relationship with those children\u2019s biological mother. Here\u2019s Laura Petherbridge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>How you relate as a stepmom to the biological mom really depends on how the biological mom responds to you, how she responds to your husband, how she responds to your family. The goal should always be to try to get along with the biological mom as well as you possibly can. That may mean taking the higher road. That may mean overlooking some cruel or nasty comments, sometimes; but for the sake of the children, you do what is best for them and brings the most peace into their life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, May 8<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of challenges that come with the assignment of being a stepmom. Relating to your stepchildren\u2019s biological mother may be one of the most significant. We\u2019re going to talk about that today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Thanks for joining us. We have tackled some tough subjects on this program in the years that we\u2019ve been doing it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The subject we\u2019re talking about this week is one of those difficult subjects. It\u2019s difficult to unpack. There are so many different dynamics\u2014so many different ways of trying to get your arms around this subject of stepfamilies and step-parenting\u2014that it\u2019s hard to really zero in on the common counsel you want to give to folks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, that\u2019s right. Stepfamilies face an enormous number of emotional issues\u2014issues around authority; issues around their marriage and around a previous marriage, perhaps; the death of a spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and it might be that you came into a stepfamily because a previous spouse was deceased. It might be that there was a divorce. It might be that both the husband and the wife are bringing children into a marriage. Eventually, there may be children that are biological children of the new husband and wife. I mean, again, there\u2019s so many different dynamics at work here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes; in fact, you\u2019re raising an issue that I want to ask our guests today. Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge join us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Laura, Ron\u2014welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You all have written a book called <em>The Smart Stepmom. <\/em>You both have ministered in this area of stepfamilies for a number of years. You collaborated to really produce a very healthy book\u2014wholesome book\u2014but at the same time, an honest book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s talk about having biological children of your own\u2014in other words, having a child that you biologically create\u2014and then, rear together, as a couple. That\u2019s going to create additional issues for stepfamilies. Where should a couple start\u2014who are in a stepfamily\u2014who maybe have hers, and his, or just his?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or just hers. But now, they\u2019re stopping to think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong><strong>\u201c<\/strong>Should we have an \u2018ours\u2019?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>First of all, let me say that the research is really unclear\u2014that we don\u2019t have an awful lot of really good research. I can tell you, anecdotally, what we believe is the best advice for people in general; but honestly, every couple is going to have to decide for themselves whether they want to move towards having a child together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI do think, that in general, an \u201cours baby\u201d\u2014as we sometimes refer to it and talk about in the book\u2014exacerbates or continues what was. So, if there is family health\u2014if the stepfamily is doing well\u2014if the family is molding together and feel pretty good about the relationships\u2014having an \u201cours baby\u201d oftentimes even solidifies that even more. Sometimes, we kind of jokingly refer to it as the concrete child because it helps solidify everything that\u2019s going on in the family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It\u2019s not going to create something that doesn\u2019t exist.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right. On the other hand, if things are stressful, don\u2019t have an \u201cours baby\u201d because it tends to add stress. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>In all this, I want to go back to the Bible, which says, \u201cChildren are a blessing.\u201d\u00a0 Anybody who has had a child realizes that a child will redeem you from your selfishness. Now, in a stepfamily, you\u2019ve already experienced plenty of redemption, at that point, because you\u2019ve had to face some of your selfishness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I want to encourage couples, who are in blended families, to consider as they think about this is: \u201cGod really encourages us to have children. If we\u2019re followers of Christ, let\u2019s create a godly legacy here. God\u2019s power has always worked through broken situations. It\u2019s a part of what life is. But a couple really needs to be in agreement around this decision to have a biological child.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Laura, was an \u201cours baby\u201d even an option for you guys when you became a stepmom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It wasn\u2019t. It wasn\u2019t an option, for physical reasons\u2014and just because, I think, partially\u2014I didn\u2019t realize this at the time\u2014but my dad, with his first wife, had an \u201cours baby\u201d. I think that had somewhat of a negative effect, even though I was a teenager already. I didn\u2019t have any resentment towards my half brother\u2014it wasn\u2019t that type of thing. As a matter of fact, I thought he was cute and great. But I do think, for me, it was one more sense of: \u201cOh, so now he has a new wife, he has her children, and now they have their own baby. He really doesn\u2019t need us anymore.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You felt excluded?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>I did. You know, I don\u2019t think I realized it until I became an adult and started pondering all the family dynamics; but I really feel that it caused even more of a distance in my relationship with my dad and his wife when they had another child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, we\u2019ve talked already, this week, about the fact that you have a couple of chapters in your book, <em>The Smart Stepmom, <\/em>that are written for dads. I was just sitting here thinking, \u201cI wonder why you didn\u2019t write <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em> at the same time you wrote <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 Both of them need to be smart. It\u2019s probably the stepmom who will go buy a book and try to get some help\u2014more than a dad doing it; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Actually, I think it\u2019s harder to be a stepmother than it is to be a stepfather. That\u2019s an overgeneralization, I realize\u2014and there are always exceptions to that\u2014but the role of stepmother is a very, very difficult role\u2014and oftentimes, a very lonely role. We really felt like that was the first person we needed to reach out to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Kids seem to accept a stepdad more easily than they do a stepmom. We found that in a lot of our research and a lot of what we did in writing this. We don\u2019t really have the psychology behind that\u2014not that every stepdad is accepted\u2014but they do seem to accept a stepdad better than they do a stepmom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You say in your book there are several things a stepfather needs to consider as he provides love and leadership for his family. Share a few of those with our audience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>First and foremost, he has to declare his loyalty to his wife before his children and before any extended family, for example. Everybody just needs to know that Dad and his wife are lifers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Does he sit down with the kids and say, \u201cKids, let me just tell you, you have just moved to the backseat. Mom\u2019s in the front seat.\u201d\u00a0 Does he say that to them? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I think he can articulate, yes, with words, his dedication to her\u2014his promise to her. \u201cForsaking all others\u201d, in his vows, also now includes them. Now, please understand\u2014all things in balance. This does not mean he\u2019s neglecting his children or he\u2019s leaving them behind. He\u2019s going to love them and care for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust like a couple in a first-family\u2014you know, we talk about this\u2014we take it for granted. A couple in a first-marriage\u2014in a first-family\u2014they spend time nurturing their marriage relationship, and giving lots of time and energy to their kids, during those child-rearing years. There\u2019s a balance there. Well, this dad\u2019s going to do the same thing; but he\u2019s also going to be very intentional to let them know that his relationship to his wife is going to last forever, and he\u2019s in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I\u2019ll never forget hearing Pastor Tommy Nelson speaking at a conference we were doing, where he said, \u201cI used to tell my boys\u2014\u2018If we were ever out in a rowboat, in the middle of a lake, and a storm came up, and the boat tipped over,\u2019 he said, \u2018I want you to know what I would do.\u2019 He said, \u2018I would get that boat flipped around. I would go get your Mom. I would get her in the boat. I would dry her off. I would see if she needed some lemonade. I would make sure she was okay.\u2019\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHe said: \u2018Then, I\u2019d look back in the water. If you were still flailing, I\u2019d come in after you.\u2019\u201d You know, it can sound almost like he was being cruel to his sons, but there was a sense of security that came with those kids knowing Dad and Mom are sticking together. With step-kids, it\u2019s a little different dynamic, though; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right, but the kids need to know where Dad\u2019s dedication is so that it settles the issue\u2014so that they don\u2019t think there\u2019s room to divide and conquer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know\u2014I hate to keep beating this point here\u2014but those children need to hear that, they need to see that, they need to know that\u2014and then, what they are going to do after they\u2019ve heard that\u2014they\u2019re going test that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They\u2019re going to test their dad to see if he really means it. Then, he has to demonstrate it through his actions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s another one of the things dads need to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He needs to trust his wife\u2019s heart. You know something that will never happen in a two-biological-parent home? You may have a mom and a dad who disagree about parenting; but you won\u2019t have Dennis coming to his wife and saying: \u201cLook Honey, I think grounding the kids for six months is too long. We need to shorten that down a little bit. The reason you grounded our kids for six months is because you don\u2019t love them.\u201d That just doesn\u2019t happen in your household; does it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 You don\u2019t doubt her heart. You may not agree with her parenting move or strategy, but you don\u2019t doubt her heart. But in stepfamilies, there\u2019s a very dangerous line that, oftentimes, a dad can cross with his wife. He calls into question, not only something she did from a parenting strategy, but <em>why<\/em> she did it. If he looks at her, and he says: \u201cYou don\u2019t love my kids. <em>That\u2019s why<\/em> you did such and such,\u201d now, all of a sudden, she\u2019s being pushed to the outside\u2014and even in terms of her intentions\u2014her desires to be a helpful, loving parent-figure in the life of these kids. That\u2019s a very dangerous place to go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>A stepmom will often phrase that thinking in this way\u2014she will say: \u201cMy husband comes to me, and says: \u2018You\u2019re the adult in this. They\u2019re children; you\u2019re the adult,\u2019 or, \u2018You\u2019re overreacting,\u2019 or, \u2018You\u2019re being too dramatic,\u2019\u201d when she is trying to set some boundaries or do something healthy for the children. When he doesn\u2019t trust her heart, very often, the dad will come out with statements like that\u2014saying she\u2019s being overly dramatic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the stepmom has to take a step back, and say: \u201cAm I being overly dramatic? Am I being a drama queen? Am I being unrealistic?\u201d\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean everything she\u2019s doing is right; but the way that the dad will often phrase that is not, \u201cI don\u2019t trust your heart,\u201d but it comes out in those other sentences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I can see how a stepmom would feel that way or begin to express those things because she can get wounded, and get hurt deeply, and then everything becomes an emotional issue, at that point, with the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right. She, at that point, is being accused of being wicked, which she knows she\u2019s not. She has the best intentions for these children. That\u2019s why step-parents do what they do. In our experience, step-parents are fabulous people. They love their stepchildren, and they are working for their best interests. So, you just have to try to trust their heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA third principle that we want biological dads to remember is that you need to take the primary parenting role with your kids. You were primary, during the single- parent years. After the wedding, you\u2019re still kind of primary\u2014in terms of the affection, in terms of authority, in terms of discipline, and providing direction for the home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Does that mean that the mom is the primary parent for <em>her <\/em>biological children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>If she has biological children, yes, she is the primary parent for <em>her <\/em>children. She\u2019s the primary \u201cgo-to\u201d\u2014especially, if you\u2019re going to have a bit of a battle on your hands\u2014and you are going to have to say, \u201cNo,\u201d or you\u2019re going to disappoint the children. We want biological parents primarily dealing with their kids. The step-parent is gradually moving their role into taking roles with leadership and making decisions on discipline.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You gradually move into those roles as you see that you have the clout? Is that how you do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, part of it, for stepfamilies, is as much as the child will let you in. A point that we haven\u2019t really hit on is, \u201cI can only have as much of a relationship with my stepchildren as they will allow me to.\u201d You know, my husband can be the most wonderful dad, and be the most disciplined, and do a great job with his kids, and do all the things right, standing beside me\u2014as his wife, as his bride\u2014but if the children continue to refuse to let me into their heart, then, as a stepmom, that\u2019s really as far as I can go. If they\u2019re going to stay a porcupine towards me, as the stepmother, I have to just accept that and realize my relationship with my stepchildren goes as far as they will allow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, when they\u2019re younger, it may be, to a certain degree\u2014that as they move into a little bit older, they may let me in a little bit more. They may not. There\u2019s no guarantee that, at some point, when they hit adulthood, that magically they\u2019re going to start letting me into their life. So, really the stepchildren dictate how much of a relationship I\u2019m going to be able to have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Is there a point where a stepmom has to so throttle back that she basically gives up on having an in-depth relationship with a stepchild?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think that she does. I think there are definitely stepmoms that have to take a step back and say: \u201cMy role is to be as godly of an example in front of them as I can\u2014is to pray for them and is to be a good wife to their father\u2014and that\u2019s it. I may never get more than that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I would add that some life experiences may change the heart of the child and open them to the stepmother. It may be when they have their own children\u2014that, all of a sudden, they\u2019re humbled a little bit. They realize how great their stepmother really is, and now she has an opportunity. So, she may back off of trying. She doesn\u2019t ever entirely give up, but she has to temper that based upon the openness of the child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We haven\u2019t talked a whole lot about the biological mom in this equation. There are all kinds of different scenarios here. She may have passed away, she may live nearby or out of state, there may be visitation, there may be limited kinds of interactions. What should a stepmom\u2019s role be when it comes to a biological mom? You were one. How did you handle it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, one of the things that I love about our book is that we really go into the different kinds of biological moms because how you relate as a stepmom to the biological mom\u2014if she is still alive\u2014but even the memory of the biological mom, if she\u2019s gone\u2014really depends on how the biological mom responds to you, how she responds to your husband, how she responds to your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we give different scenarios of the different types of biological moms, and how to cope with, and get along with. The goal should always be to try to get along with the biological mom as well as you possibly can.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is where Romans 12:18 comes in, \u201cIf possible, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men;\u201d right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right. That may mean taking the higher road. That may mean overlooking some cruel or nasty comments, sometimes. That doesn\u2019t mean you allow that person, the biological mother, to treat you like dirt. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re supposed to just roll over and play dead; but it may mean, that for the sake of the children, you do what is best for them and brings the most peace into their life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, I had a stepmom just recently say to me: \u201cYou know, every time I go to my stepson\u2019s baseball game, the biological mom makes it very obvious that she does not want me there\u2014 that she doesn\u2019t think I belong there. She storms around the field, you know, and it makes it very uncomfortable for my stepsons.\u201d My advice to her was, \u201cDon\u2019t go to the games, even if your husband wants you to.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cMy husband wants me there.\u201d\u00a0 I said: \u201cYou know what? You and he need to sit down and talk about this because it\u2019s causing tension for the <em>child<\/em>\u2014not that you\u2019re doing this for the biological mother\u2014you\u2019re doing it because you can tell this is causing stress for the <em>child<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Would you ask the child\u2014let\u2019s say it\u2019s a 15-, 16-year-old boy or girl\u2014and it\u2019s their game you\u2019re going to--would you ask them what their opinion was at, that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would. I would probably have the dad and I together\u2014not just the stepmom\u2014but knowing that kids in divorce often do not tell you how they really feel. You have to always remember that\u2014they often won\u2019t tell you exactly what they\u2019re thinking or how they\u2019re feeling. But if possible, to sit down with Joshua and say: \u201cYou know, Josh, it appears that your mom is really uncomfortable when I\u2019m at your baseball games. Would it be easier on you if I didn\u2019t attend as your stepmother?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So, you don\u2019t use it to trash--you don\u2019t trash the biological mom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Never. Never, never, never, never!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It will always come back on the stepmother and work against her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right. You always want to address the situation\u2014not the woman, not the person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You were pretty adamant\u2014\u201cNever, never, never, never.\u201d What if a biological mom is doing stuff that you just feel like you have to address with your stepson or stepdaughter\u2014where you can\u2019t affirm or approve the behavior?\u00a0 You have to speak up, and say, \u201cYou know, that\u2019s just not right.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You absolutely do. You have to go to them and say: \u201cYou know what, Joshua? I\u2019m really sorry that you\u2019re experiencing that\u2014that you\u2019re having that kind of turmoil in your home. That must make it very confusing\u2014to be at your mom\u2019s house and experiencing one thing\u2014and then, when you come in this house, you\u2019re doing something completely different. Let\u2019s talk about how that makes you feel.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou don\u2019t ever go to\u2014\u201cYou know, your mother is a bad mother because she\u2019s allowing you to watch R-rated movies,\u201d or whatever it is that you don\u2019t approve of. You don\u2019t attack the parent. You attack the behavior and the choices.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were quick to say that it works against the stepmom when she says anything negative about the biological mom. What\u2019s behind all that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Even if the kids agree with her, it emboldens their loyalty. What that means is\u2014mom\u2019s going to be right\u2014and if you try to step into her role, her place\u2014if you try to criticize her\u2014\u201cI\u2019m going to take up for her and defend her. It\u2019s just what loyalty leads me to do. So, that will put me against you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So, even if mom is an alcoholic; and she is showing up drunk at school functions and embarrassing the child\u2014if the stepmom comes along and starts to talk about, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s just not right for your mom to be drinking the way she is,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re saying the biological son or daughter is going to go, \u201cDon\u2019t talk about my mom like that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>More often than not. There are always exceptions to that rule, but more often than not. What we would want the stepmom to do is have a spirit of grace about her. I think Laura\u2019s absolutely right. You have to speak to truth with children and realize that sometimes that puts them in the middle. That puts them in a loyalty bind, where they\u2019re trying to decide whose truth they\u2019re going to buy into. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think we don\u2019t avoid truth, but we present it with a spirit of grace. So, that stepmother, for example, in that situation could say: \u201cI\u2019m sure it troubles you. I can see, on your face, it troubles you when your mom comes; and we want better things for your mother. I pray for her all the time.\u201d You know, that sort of softness\u2014that sort of grace presentation\u2014allows you, then, to have some influence and to minister. I\u2019ll use that word \u201cminister\u201d to the heart of that child\u2014that\u2019s struggling over their mother\u2019s alcoholism.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, I like what you\u2019re talking about here because it\u2019s not a holier-than-thou judgmental attitude. It\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Humility.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It is, and it\u2019s giving a blessing instead of an insult. First Peter 3, verse 8 and 9 really talk about being harmonious, sympathetic, kind. It says: \u201c\u2026not evil for evil, not insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead;\u201d it says, to your point, Ron, \u201cfor you were called for this very purpose, that you might inherit a blessing.\u201d In other words, if you give a blessing there is a greater likelihood that you\u2019ll be blessed in return.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Amen! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u00a0Well, I know this\u2014you guys have blessed our audience. You\u2019ve helped a bunch of stepmothers know how to carry out their assignment; and, I think, helped them relax a bit in that; and know how to relate. I just appreciate your book, appreciate you guys, and hope you\u2019ll come back and join us again sometime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We have already heard from a lot of moms who have gotten in touch with us to get a copy of the book, <em>The Smart Stepmom.<\/em> You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com if you\u2019d like to get a copy, as well. Again, it\u2019s called <em>The Smart Stepmom <\/em>by Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have other resources for stepfamilies; including, Ron\u2019s classic book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily.<\/em> There is a DVD curriculum that goes along with that. There is a book for stepdads\u2014there is a <em>Smart Stepdad,<\/em> as well. So, again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link that will give you all of the information for resources we have for stepfamilies. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com. Or, if it\u2019s easier, just call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Someone on our team will talk through what\u2019s available and help you determine what\u2019s right for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, May is a busy month for a lot of folks. In fact, we\u2019re headed to see our son graduate from college this weekend. That\u2019s exciting. We\u2019ve got a lot going on with the family over the next couple of weeks. As things get busy, here in May, and then schedules start to shift during the summer, one of the effects of that, for a ministry like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>,is that we often see a little bit of a decline in donation support from listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we have some <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>friends who are aware of the fact that that often happens to ministries like ours in the summer. They came to us and said: \u201cWhy don\u2019t we see if we can head things off at the pass? We\u2019ll put together a fund\u2014a matching fund. Any of your listeners, who will call in or go online to make a donation, during the month of May, we\u2019ll match the donation they make. We\u2019ll see if we can\u2019t put together a little surplus that you guys can have access to if things should dip a little bit during the summer months.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tObviously, we\u2019re grateful for their support. In fact, the matching gift is $576,000. So, that\u2019s kind of a big \u201cWow!\u201d for us. But in order for us to take advantage of that money, we need to hear from listeners, like you, who will call in or go online and make a donation of your own. When you make a $20, or a $30, or a $40 donation, that donation is going to be matched with $20, or $30, or $40 from the matching fund\u2014so, we\u2019ll get double benefit from your gift.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWould you consider going to FamilyLifeToday.com right now? Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d. Make a donation\u2014whatever you can afford\u2014knowing that that donation is going to be doubled, dollar for dollar. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, and make a donation over the phone. Again, that donation will be doubled, as well. Whatever you can do to help us, we would appreciate it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd please pray for us. Pray that, during the month of May, we\u2019d be able to take advantage of this matching-gift fund; and pray for us during the summer\u2014that God would continue to supply all of our needs. We trust Him as our major donor to this ministry; and it\u2019s His provision that we depend on, month-in and month-out. But we\u2019re appreciative to you for being part of how He provides for this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow\u2014when we\u2019re going to have a couple of friends join us. Robert and Bobbie Wolgemuth will be here to talk about the recent battle that Bobbie has been through with cancer, and how God has sustained her over the last year in that fight, and about a new book that they\u2019ve written that looks at married couples in the Bible. I hope you can join us as we talk with the Wolgemuths tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.15M"],"filesize_raw":["26367738"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302732.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302732.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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father's loyalty and support toward their wives can make a world of difference in a blended family.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-08.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 For a stepmom, the relationship with her stepchildren can be a challenge\u2014so can the relationship with those children\u2019s biological mother. Here\u2019s Laura Petherbridge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>How you relate as a stepmom to the biological mom really depends on how the biological mom responds to you, how she responds to your husband, how she responds to your family. The goal should always be to try to get along with the biological mom as well as you possibly can. That may mean taking the higher road. That may mean overlooking some cruel or nasty comments, sometimes; but for the sake of the children, you do what is best for them and brings the most peace into their life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, May 8<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of challenges that come with the assignment of being a stepmom. Relating to your stepchildren\u2019s biological mother may be one of the most significant. We\u2019re going to talk about that today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Thanks for joining us. We have tackled some tough subjects on this program in the years that we\u2019ve been doing it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The subject we\u2019re talking about this week is one of those difficult subjects. It\u2019s difficult to unpack. There are so many different dynamics\u2014so many different ways of trying to get your arms around this subject of stepfamilies and step-parenting\u2014that it\u2019s hard to really zero in on the common counsel you want to give to folks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, that\u2019s right. Stepfamilies face an enormous number of emotional issues\u2014issues around authority; issues around their marriage and around a previous marriage, perhaps; the death of a spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and it might be that you came into a stepfamily because a previous spouse was deceased. It might be that there was a divorce. It might be that both the husband and the wife are bringing children into a marriage. Eventually, there may be children that are biological children of the new husband and wife. I mean, again, there\u2019s so many different dynamics at work here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes; in fact, you\u2019re raising an issue that I want to ask our guests today. Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge join us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Laura, Ron\u2014welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You all have written a book called <em>The Smart Stepmom. <\/em>You both have ministered in this area of stepfamilies for a number of years. You collaborated to really produce a very healthy book\u2014wholesome book\u2014but at the same time, an honest book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s talk about having biological children of your own\u2014in other words, having a child that you biologically create\u2014and then, rear together, as a couple. That\u2019s going to create additional issues for stepfamilies. Where should a couple start\u2014who are in a stepfamily\u2014who maybe have hers, and his, or just his?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or just hers. But now, they\u2019re stopping to think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong><strong>\u201c<\/strong>Should we have an \u2018ours\u2019?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>First of all, let me say that the research is really unclear\u2014that we don\u2019t have an awful lot of really good research. I can tell you, anecdotally, what we believe is the best advice for people in general; but honestly, every couple is going to have to decide for themselves whether they want to move towards having a child together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI do think, that in general, an \u201cours baby\u201d\u2014as we sometimes refer to it and talk about in the book\u2014exacerbates or continues what was. So, if there is family health\u2014if the stepfamily is doing well\u2014if the family is molding together and feel pretty good about the relationships\u2014having an \u201cours baby\u201d oftentimes even solidifies that even more. Sometimes, we kind of jokingly refer to it as the concrete child because it helps solidify everything that\u2019s going on in the family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It\u2019s not going to create something that doesn\u2019t exist.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right. On the other hand, if things are stressful, don\u2019t have an \u201cours baby\u201d because it tends to add stress. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>In all this, I want to go back to the Bible, which says, \u201cChildren are a blessing.\u201d\u00a0 Anybody who has had a child realizes that a child will redeem you from your selfishness. Now, in a stepfamily, you\u2019ve already experienced plenty of redemption, at that point, because you\u2019ve had to face some of your selfishness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I want to encourage couples, who are in blended families, to consider as they think about this is: \u201cGod really encourages us to have children. If we\u2019re followers of Christ, let\u2019s create a godly legacy here. God\u2019s power has always worked through broken situations. It\u2019s a part of what life is. But a couple really needs to be in agreement around this decision to have a biological child.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Laura, was an \u201cours baby\u201d even an option for you guys when you became a stepmom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It wasn\u2019t. It wasn\u2019t an option, for physical reasons\u2014and just because, I think, partially\u2014I didn\u2019t realize this at the time\u2014but my dad, with his first wife, had an \u201cours baby\u201d. I think that had somewhat of a negative effect, even though I was a teenager already. I didn\u2019t have any resentment towards my half brother\u2014it wasn\u2019t that type of thing. As a matter of fact, I thought he was cute and great. But I do think, for me, it was one more sense of: \u201cOh, so now he has a new wife, he has her children, and now they have their own baby. He really doesn\u2019t need us anymore.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You felt excluded?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>I did. You know, I don\u2019t think I realized it until I became an adult and started pondering all the family dynamics; but I really feel that it caused even more of a distance in my relationship with my dad and his wife when they had another child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, we\u2019ve talked already, this week, about the fact that you have a couple of chapters in your book, <em>The Smart Stepmom, <\/em>that are written for dads. I was just sitting here thinking, \u201cI wonder why you didn\u2019t write <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em> at the same time you wrote <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 Both of them need to be smart. It\u2019s probably the stepmom who will go buy a book and try to get some help\u2014more than a dad doing it; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Actually, I think it\u2019s harder to be a stepmother than it is to be a stepfather. That\u2019s an overgeneralization, I realize\u2014and there are always exceptions to that\u2014but the role of stepmother is a very, very difficult role\u2014and oftentimes, a very lonely role. We really felt like that was the first person we needed to reach out to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Kids seem to accept a stepdad more easily than they do a stepmom. We found that in a lot of our research and a lot of what we did in writing this. We don\u2019t really have the psychology behind that\u2014not that every stepdad is accepted\u2014but they do seem to accept a stepdad better than they do a stepmom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You say in your book there are several things a stepfather needs to consider as he provides love and leadership for his family. Share a few of those with our audience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>First and foremost, he has to declare his loyalty to his wife before his children and before any extended family, for example. Everybody just needs to know that Dad and his wife are lifers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Does he sit down with the kids and say, \u201cKids, let me just tell you, you have just moved to the backseat. Mom\u2019s in the front seat.\u201d\u00a0 Does he say that to them? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I think he can articulate, yes, with words, his dedication to her\u2014his promise to her. \u201cForsaking all others\u201d, in his vows, also now includes them. Now, please understand\u2014all things in balance. This does not mean he\u2019s neglecting his children or he\u2019s leaving them behind. He\u2019s going to love them and care for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust like a couple in a first-family\u2014you know, we talk about this\u2014we take it for granted. A couple in a first-marriage\u2014in a first-family\u2014they spend time nurturing their marriage relationship, and giving lots of time and energy to their kids, during those child-rearing years. There\u2019s a balance there. Well, this dad\u2019s going to do the same thing; but he\u2019s also going to be very intentional to let them know that his relationship to his wife is going to last forever, and he\u2019s in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I\u2019ll never forget hearing Pastor Tommy Nelson speaking at a conference we were doing, where he said, \u201cI used to tell my boys\u2014\u2018If we were ever out in a rowboat, in the middle of a lake, and a storm came up, and the boat tipped over,\u2019 he said, \u2018I want you to know what I would do.\u2019 He said, \u2018I would get that boat flipped around. I would go get your Mom. I would get her in the boat. I would dry her off. I would see if she needed some lemonade. I would make sure she was okay.\u2019\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHe said: \u2018Then, I\u2019d look back in the water. If you were still flailing, I\u2019d come in after you.\u2019\u201d You know, it can sound almost like he was being cruel to his sons, but there was a sense of security that came with those kids knowing Dad and Mom are sticking together. With step-kids, it\u2019s a little different dynamic, though; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right, but the kids need to know where Dad\u2019s dedication is so that it settles the issue\u2014so that they don\u2019t think there\u2019s room to divide and conquer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know\u2014I hate to keep beating this point here\u2014but those children need to hear that, they need to see that, they need to know that\u2014and then, what they are going to do after they\u2019ve heard that\u2014they\u2019re going test that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They\u2019re going to test their dad to see if he really means it. Then, he has to demonstrate it through his actions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s another one of the things dads need to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He needs to trust his wife\u2019s heart. You know something that will never happen in a two-biological-parent home? You may have a mom and a dad who disagree about parenting; but you won\u2019t have Dennis coming to his wife and saying: \u201cLook Honey, I think grounding the kids for six months is too long. We need to shorten that down a little bit. The reason you grounded our kids for six months is because you don\u2019t love them.\u201d That just doesn\u2019t happen in your household; does it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 You don\u2019t doubt her heart. You may not agree with her parenting move or strategy, but you don\u2019t doubt her heart. But in stepfamilies, there\u2019s a very dangerous line that, oftentimes, a dad can cross with his wife. He calls into question, not only something she did from a parenting strategy, but <em>why<\/em> she did it. If he looks at her, and he says: \u201cYou don\u2019t love my kids. <em>That\u2019s why<\/em> you did such and such,\u201d now, all of a sudden, she\u2019s being pushed to the outside\u2014and even in terms of her intentions\u2014her desires to be a helpful, loving parent-figure in the life of these kids. That\u2019s a very dangerous place to go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>A stepmom will often phrase that thinking in this way\u2014she will say: \u201cMy husband comes to me, and says: \u2018You\u2019re the adult in this. They\u2019re children; you\u2019re the adult,\u2019 or, \u2018You\u2019re overreacting,\u2019 or, \u2018You\u2019re being too dramatic,\u2019\u201d when she is trying to set some boundaries or do something healthy for the children. When he doesn\u2019t trust her heart, very often, the dad will come out with statements like that\u2014saying she\u2019s being overly dramatic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the stepmom has to take a step back, and say: \u201cAm I being overly dramatic? Am I being a drama queen? Am I being unrealistic?\u201d\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean everything she\u2019s doing is right; but the way that the dad will often phrase that is not, \u201cI don\u2019t trust your heart,\u201d but it comes out in those other sentences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I can see how a stepmom would feel that way or begin to express those things because she can get wounded, and get hurt deeply, and then everything becomes an emotional issue, at that point, with the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right. She, at that point, is being accused of being wicked, which she knows she\u2019s not. She has the best intentions for these children. That\u2019s why step-parents do what they do. In our experience, step-parents are fabulous people. They love their stepchildren, and they are working for their best interests. So, you just have to try to trust their heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA third principle that we want biological dads to remember is that you need to take the primary parenting role with your kids. You were primary, during the single- parent years. After the wedding, you\u2019re still kind of primary\u2014in terms of the affection, in terms of authority, in terms of discipline, and providing direction for the home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Does that mean that the mom is the primary parent for <em>her <\/em>biological children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>If she has biological children, yes, she is the primary parent for <em>her <\/em>children. She\u2019s the primary \u201cgo-to\u201d\u2014especially, if you\u2019re going to have a bit of a battle on your hands\u2014and you are going to have to say, \u201cNo,\u201d or you\u2019re going to disappoint the children. We want biological parents primarily dealing with their kids. The step-parent is gradually moving their role into taking roles with leadership and making decisions on discipline.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You gradually move into those roles as you see that you have the clout? Is that how you do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, part of it, for stepfamilies, is as much as the child will let you in. A point that we haven\u2019t really hit on is, \u201cI can only have as much of a relationship with my stepchildren as they will allow me to.\u201d You know, my husband can be the most wonderful dad, and be the most disciplined, and do a great job with his kids, and do all the things right, standing beside me\u2014as his wife, as his bride\u2014but if the children continue to refuse to let me into their heart, then, as a stepmom, that\u2019s really as far as I can go. If they\u2019re going to stay a porcupine towards me, as the stepmother, I have to just accept that and realize my relationship with my stepchildren goes as far as they will allow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, when they\u2019re younger, it may be, to a certain degree\u2014that as they move into a little bit older, they may let me in a little bit more. They may not. There\u2019s no guarantee that, at some point, when they hit adulthood, that magically they\u2019re going to start letting me into their life. So, really the stepchildren dictate how much of a relationship I\u2019m going to be able to have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Is there a point where a stepmom has to so throttle back that she basically gives up on having an in-depth relationship with a stepchild?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think that she does. I think there are definitely stepmoms that have to take a step back and say: \u201cMy role is to be as godly of an example in front of them as I can\u2014is to pray for them and is to be a good wife to their father\u2014and that\u2019s it. I may never get more than that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I would add that some life experiences may change the heart of the child and open them to the stepmother. It may be when they have their own children\u2014that, all of a sudden, they\u2019re humbled a little bit. They realize how great their stepmother really is, and now she has an opportunity. So, she may back off of trying. She doesn\u2019t ever entirely give up, but she has to temper that based upon the openness of the child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We haven\u2019t talked a whole lot about the biological mom in this equation. There are all kinds of different scenarios here. She may have passed away, she may live nearby or out of state, there may be visitation, there may be limited kinds of interactions. What should a stepmom\u2019s role be when it comes to a biological mom? You were one. How did you handle it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, one of the things that I love about our book is that we really go into the different kinds of biological moms because how you relate as a stepmom to the biological mom\u2014if she is still alive\u2014but even the memory of the biological mom, if she\u2019s gone\u2014really depends on how the biological mom responds to you, how she responds to your husband, how she responds to your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we give different scenarios of the different types of biological moms, and how to cope with, and get along with. The goal should always be to try to get along with the biological mom as well as you possibly can.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is where Romans 12:18 comes in, \u201cIf possible, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men;\u201d right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right. That may mean taking the higher road. That may mean overlooking some cruel or nasty comments, sometimes. That doesn\u2019t mean you allow that person, the biological mother, to treat you like dirt. It doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re supposed to just roll over and play dead; but it may mean, that for the sake of the children, you do what is best for them and brings the most peace into their life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, I had a stepmom just recently say to me: \u201cYou know, every time I go to my stepson\u2019s baseball game, the biological mom makes it very obvious that she does not want me there\u2014 that she doesn\u2019t think I belong there. She storms around the field, you know, and it makes it very uncomfortable for my stepsons.\u201d My advice to her was, \u201cDon\u2019t go to the games, even if your husband wants you to.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cMy husband wants me there.\u201d\u00a0 I said: \u201cYou know what? You and he need to sit down and talk about this because it\u2019s causing tension for the <em>child<\/em>\u2014not that you\u2019re doing this for the biological mother\u2014you\u2019re doing it because you can tell this is causing stress for the <em>child<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Would you ask the child\u2014let\u2019s say it\u2019s a 15-, 16-year-old boy or girl\u2014and it\u2019s their game you\u2019re going to--would you ask them what their opinion was at, that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would. I would probably have the dad and I together\u2014not just the stepmom\u2014but knowing that kids in divorce often do not tell you how they really feel. You have to always remember that\u2014they often won\u2019t tell you exactly what they\u2019re thinking or how they\u2019re feeling. But if possible, to sit down with Joshua and say: \u201cYou know, Josh, it appears that your mom is really uncomfortable when I\u2019m at your baseball games. Would it be easier on you if I didn\u2019t attend as your stepmother?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So, you don\u2019t use it to trash--you don\u2019t trash the biological mom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Never. Never, never, never, never!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It will always come back on the stepmother and work against her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right. You always want to address the situation\u2014not the woman, not the person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You were pretty adamant\u2014\u201cNever, never, never, never.\u201d What if a biological mom is doing stuff that you just feel like you have to address with your stepson or stepdaughter\u2014where you can\u2019t affirm or approve the behavior?\u00a0 You have to speak up, and say, \u201cYou know, that\u2019s just not right.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You absolutely do. You have to go to them and say: \u201cYou know what, Joshua? I\u2019m really sorry that you\u2019re experiencing that\u2014that you\u2019re having that kind of turmoil in your home. That must make it very confusing\u2014to be at your mom\u2019s house and experiencing one thing\u2014and then, when you come in this house, you\u2019re doing something completely different. Let\u2019s talk about how that makes you feel.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou don\u2019t ever go to\u2014\u201cYou know, your mother is a bad mother because she\u2019s allowing you to watch R-rated movies,\u201d or whatever it is that you don\u2019t approve of. You don\u2019t attack the parent. You attack the behavior and the choices.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were quick to say that it works against the stepmom when she says anything negative about the biological mom. What\u2019s behind all that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Even if the kids agree with her, it emboldens their loyalty. What that means is\u2014mom\u2019s going to be right\u2014and if you try to step into her role, her place\u2014if you try to criticize her\u2014\u201cI\u2019m going to take up for her and defend her. It\u2019s just what loyalty leads me to do. So, that will put me against you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So, even if mom is an alcoholic; and she is showing up drunk at school functions and embarrassing the child\u2014if the stepmom comes along and starts to talk about, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s just not right for your mom to be drinking the way she is,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re saying the biological son or daughter is going to go, \u201cDon\u2019t talk about my mom like that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>More often than not. There are always exceptions to that rule, but more often than not. What we would want the stepmom to do is have a spirit of grace about her. I think Laura\u2019s absolutely right. You have to speak to truth with children and realize that sometimes that puts them in the middle. That puts them in a loyalty bind, where they\u2019re trying to decide whose truth they\u2019re going to buy into. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think we don\u2019t avoid truth, but we present it with a spirit of grace. So, that stepmother, for example, in that situation could say: \u201cI\u2019m sure it troubles you. I can see, on your face, it troubles you when your mom comes; and we want better things for your mother. I pray for her all the time.\u201d You know, that sort of softness\u2014that sort of grace presentation\u2014allows you, then, to have some influence and to minister. I\u2019ll use that word \u201cminister\u201d to the heart of that child\u2014that\u2019s struggling over their mother\u2019s alcoholism.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, I like what you\u2019re talking about here because it\u2019s not a holier-than-thou judgmental attitude. It\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Humility.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It is, and it\u2019s giving a blessing instead of an insult. First Peter 3, verse 8 and 9 really talk about being harmonious, sympathetic, kind. It says: \u201c\u2026not evil for evil, not insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead;\u201d it says, to your point, Ron, \u201cfor you were called for this very purpose, that you might inherit a blessing.\u201d In other words, if you give a blessing there is a greater likelihood that you\u2019ll be blessed in return.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Amen! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u00a0Well, I know this\u2014you guys have blessed our audience. You\u2019ve helped a bunch of stepmothers know how to carry out their assignment; and, I think, helped them relax a bit in that; and know how to relate. I just appreciate your book, appreciate you guys, and hope you\u2019ll come back and join us again sometime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We have already heard from a lot of moms who have gotten in touch with us to get a copy of the book, <em>The Smart Stepmom.<\/em> You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com if you\u2019d like to get a copy, as well. Again, it\u2019s called <em>The Smart Stepmom <\/em>by Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have other resources for stepfamilies; including, Ron\u2019s classic book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily.<\/em> There is a DVD curriculum that goes along with that. There is a book for stepdads\u2014there is a <em>Smart Stepdad,<\/em> as well. So, again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link that will give you all of the information for resources we have for stepfamilies. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com. Or, if it\u2019s easier, just call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Someone on our team will talk through what\u2019s available and help you determine what\u2019s right for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, May is a busy month for a lot of folks. In fact, we\u2019re headed to see our son graduate from college this weekend. That\u2019s exciting. We\u2019ve got a lot going on with the family over the next couple of weeks. As things get busy, here in May, and then schedules start to shift during the summer, one of the effects of that, for a ministry like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>,is that we often see a little bit of a decline in donation support from listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we have some <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>friends who are aware of the fact that that often happens to ministries like ours in the summer. They came to us and said: \u201cWhy don\u2019t we see if we can head things off at the pass? We\u2019ll put together a fund\u2014a matching fund. Any of your listeners, who will call in or go online to make a donation, during the month of May, we\u2019ll match the donation they make. We\u2019ll see if we can\u2019t put together a little surplus that you guys can have access to if things should dip a little bit during the summer months.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tObviously, we\u2019re grateful for their support. In fact, the matching gift is $576,000. So, that\u2019s kind of a big \u201cWow!\u201d for us. But in order for us to take advantage of that money, we need to hear from listeners, like you, who will call in or go online and make a donation of your own. When you make a $20, or a $30, or a $40 donation, that donation is going to be matched with $20, or $30, or $40 from the matching fund\u2014so, we\u2019ll get double benefit from your gift.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWould you consider going to FamilyLifeToday.com right now? Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d. Make a donation\u2014whatever you can afford\u2014knowing that that donation is going to be doubled, dollar for dollar. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, and make a donation over the phone. Again, that donation will be doubled, as well. Whatever you can do to help us, we would appreciate it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd please pray for us. Pray that, during the month of May, we\u2019d be able to take advantage of this matching-gift fund; and pray for us during the summer\u2014that God would continue to supply all of our needs. We trust Him as our major donor to this ministry; and it\u2019s His provision that we depend on, month-in and month-out. But we\u2019re appreciative to you for being part of how He provides for this ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow\u2014when we\u2019re going to have a couple of friends join us. Robert and Bobbie Wolgemuth will be here to talk about the recent battle that Bobbie has been through with cancer, and how God has sustained her over the last year in that fight, and about a new book that they\u2019ve written that looks at married couples in the Bible. I hope you can join us as we talk with the Wolgemuths tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302732","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302732"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302732"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302732"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302732"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302732"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302732"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302732"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}