{"id":302730,"date":"2013-05-07T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-05-07T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/how-to-avoid-becoming-a-wicked-stepmother\/"},"modified":"2013-05-07T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-05-07T15:00:00","slug":"how-to-avoid-becoming-a-wicked-stepmother","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-avoid-becoming-a-wicked-stepmother\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Avoid Becoming a Wicked Stepmother"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Laura tells you how to avoid making some of the most wicked step parenting mistakes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-07.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"21.67M","filesize_raw":"22721264","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2858],"tags":[5276,2515],"podcast_series":[7687],"cwp_profile":[3308,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302730","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-stepparenting-skills","tag-stepfamilies","tag-stepmom","podcast_series-the-smart-stepmom","cwp_profile-laura-petherbridge","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302730\/how-to-avoid-becoming-a-wicked-stepmother","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302730\/how-to-avoid-becoming-a-wicked-stepmother","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"0oKFDSKHet\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-avoid-becoming-a-wicked-stepmother\/\">How to Avoid Becoming a Wicked Stepmother<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-avoid-becoming-a-wicked-stepmother\/embed\/#?secret=0oKFDSKHet\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;How to Avoid Becoming a Wicked Stepmother&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"0oKFDSKHet\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-07.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-07.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 If you\u2019re a stepmom, you may be able to relate to what Laura Petherbridge is describing here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019d be amazed at the number of stepmoms that have contacted me\u2014emailed me and said, \u201cWhen I pull in the driveway of my home, and I know the step-kids are there, I feel exactly the same way as I did when I would pull into my home when I was married to an abusive husband.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s that kind of fear that is triggered in them\u2014it\u2019s that same feeling of: \u201cI\u2019m out of control. There are people, here, who are hurting me. I feel ostracized. I feel lonely. I feel like I\u2019m being taken advantage of, and I\u2019m going to retreat.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, May 7<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. What do you do when you\u2019re a stepmom and the thought of just going home makes you tense up?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about that today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Thanks for joining us. Have you ever thought about the fact that, in a lot of cartoons, the character that is the personification of evil is a stepmother?\u00a0 Have you ever thought about that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I mean, <em>Cinderella<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s the wicked stepmother; in what was it?\u2014<em>Sleeping Beauty<\/em>\u2014I think, a wicked stepmother. I don\u2019t know how it got into our literature and our popular culture to be that way; but nobody thinks, \u201cGee, the stepmom\u2014she\u2019s the noble person.\u201d We\u2019ve got the stereotype of the wicked stepmother.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It causes me to wonder if those fairy tales were written by someone who grew up in a home where they had a stepmom; and maybe, that\u2019s the best word they could use to describe their stepmother. Well, we have the authors of a brand-new book called <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not the wicked stepmom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The smart stepmom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, but one of the authors described herself as a wicked stepmother. Laura Petherbridge\u2014she\u2019s the one who did that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 I did!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You described yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 I did. I\u2019m very honest.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve never really ever introduced a guest, since we started this in 1992, Bob, as\u2014[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We want to welcome our wicked stepmother to our program. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here she is on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. And Ron Deal joins us. I\u2019m not sure how to introduce you, Ron. But you both have a lot of experience in this area of step-parenting. Let\u2019s talk about that for a second. You refer to yourself\u2014in fact, you thought you\u2019d never become the wicked stepmother.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it really sounds bad, but the reason I put that in the book is because I want other stepmoms to understand that it\u2019s normal to feel that way. I can remember looking in the mirror, one day, thinking, \u201cWhat have I become?\u201d because I was feeling so wicked about all the issues that we were dealing with, as a family, and some of the emotions I was having towards my step-kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Like what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, just some days, wishing that their mother would move to another state; and I wouldn\u2019t have to see them for six months. It\u2019s a terrible thing to even say; but if I\u2019m being totally honest\u2014and I\u2019m speaking for a lot of stepmoms that contact me\u2014their desire is that the step-kids would move far, far away so you just wouldn\u2019t have to deal with it all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you want them out of your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly; exactly. I know that sounds very un-Christian. It doesn\u2019t sound very loving; but if we\u2019re being honest, that is often the thought that is going across the stepmom\u2019s mind: \u201cThis is so much more complicated than I thought it was going to be. Maybe, if they just weren\u2019t here, it wouldn\u2019t be so difficult.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever admitted this on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, but I think Barbara and I had some days with our kids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was thinking the same thing. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 If there had been a box to have checked\u2014\u201cCould there be a chance of our kids moving away\u2014for, maybe, six hours?\u201d Maybe, it wasn\u2019t six months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There were times when we sent them off to summer camp and just said, \u201cThank you, Lord, for summer camp\u2014just for a little breather, here!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I can really understand, Laura, although I\u2019ve, obviously, never been a step- parent. I can understand how that would create all kinds of guilty feelings and shame that you even have the thought.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely, because, I think\u2014as a biological parent\u2014when you think that, there is a part of you that knows that\u2019s a little bit normal\u2014but as a stepmom\u2014there\u2019s a part, in particular if you\u2019re a Christian\u2014there\u2019s a feeling inside of you that you know that you don\u2019t love these children in exactly the same way you either love your own children or you love your own family members. There\u2019s a guilt that goes along with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo it\u2019s different than the biological parent, you know\u2014being glad that the kids are going off to camp\u2014because it\u2019s just a different family dynamic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think part of this guilt is rooted in self-blame. Stepmoms are really hard on themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 As Laura and I did the research for this book and talked with stepmoms, we developed a team of stepmoms, who advised us about different aspects of the book. That\u2019s one of the things we heard over, and over, and over again. In my counseling with stepfamilies\u2014is this sense of blame. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStepmoms try so very hard. If they keep kind of beating their head against a wall, and can\u2019t quite get into a child\u2019s heart, or can\u2019t quite figure out how to deal with the power issues in being a parent and so on, they really, really struggle. Oftentimes, they just feel so isolated and alone. They don\u2019t know what else to do\u2014they kind of blame themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s a scenario I imagine. Tell me if this is kind of a typical scenario. A woman\u2014who either has her own children or, maybe, she\u2019s never been married\u2014but she has met this guy. She\u2019s in love with the guy. They\u2019ve started dating. She\u2019s met the kids. She likes the kids, and they seem to like her. They\u2019ve done some fun stuff together. The kids have affirmed her\u2014they\u2019ve said some really sweet things to her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs she and the guy are thinking about getting married, she goes, \u201cYou know, I know this is going to be challenging; but I really think this is going to work.\u201d She\u2019s hopeful. She has a lot of hope for what\u2019s coming up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 And really that\u2019s rooted in the idea that dating is going to be reflective of actual married life. I think one of the cruelties of this, for many people, is that dating is inconsistent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 With stepfamilies or first-family\u2014the dating relationship and the marriage\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not a real picture of a relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let me jump ahead now. The mom is married to the husband. All of a sudden, the kids are not acting the way they were acting during the courtship phase. In fact, she\u2019s seeing anger in them she\u2019s never seen before. It feels, to her, like they are starting to sabotage the marriage\u2014trying to come between her and her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis job of step-parenting is much harder than she ever imagined it was going to be. She\u2019s wondering: \u201cI don\u2019t know that I\u2019m cut out for this. I don\u2019t know that I can do this and do it well.\u201d Is that fairly\u2014have I described it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 It sure is; it sure is. And one of the things that you\u2019re mentioning, which is very realistic, is that the stepmom thinks that the children will just continue to embrace her and that they will <em>want<\/em> a new mother. But in reality\u2014in particular, if there\u2019s been a divorce\u2014when a parent remarries, after a divorce, it kills the dream for children that their parents will reconcile. Part of the reason children are so resistant to a new step-parent is that all of a sudden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The parent trap isn\u2019t going to happen the way it did in the movie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s absolutely right. This is the reality, \u201cNow, Daddy cannot go back to Mommy because he\u2019s got a new wife.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 In effect, the new marriage is another loss\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014for the children\u2014stacked upon the previous losses that they\u2019ve had. I think one of the things that we really try to help stepmoms understand, in this book, is that if you\u2019re a stepmother, you\u2019re a grief counselor because you\u2014and yourself\u2014you\u2019re going to go through some losses\u2014but the children that you\u2019re helping to raise, and if you have your own biological children\u2014everybody goes through some transition that basically represents loss.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s tagged on top of the losses that got you into this situation\u2014whether biological mother passed away or there was a divorce\u2014you\u2019re a grief counselor. The losses are just going to be carried right into the new family experience, on through the years. It\u2019s not just going to dwindle down and go away. It\u2019s going to be there for the duration.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just have to ask, at this point, given what we\u2019ve just laid out, \u201cShould anybody even try this?\u201d You know, there\u2019s part of me that goes, \u201cWe\u2019re talking about one of the most complicated, difficult assignments that could be handed to somebody: \u2018Do this at your own risk,\u2019 or should you just leave well enough alone and not try to make this happen?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, you said a key word there\u2014risk. I truly believe that life is a risk, in a sense; and marriage is a risk. I always tell people, \u201cYou are always working on your marriage because your marriage is always working on you.\u201d God uses it to disciple us, to train us, to refine us. The same thing is going to be true of a stepmother experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe\u2019s going to encounter some things she didn\u2019t count on\u2014she didn\u2019t know she was going to need grace for. It\u2019s going to transform her, and deepen her love, and her ability to walk with grace\u2014if she will listen and learn from the experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we do want people to have their eyes open. I think it\u2019s an interesting notion to tell people, who are dating, that, as a single parent, it\u2019s a legitimate option to stay single\u2014to raise your kids and to do a good job with that. But the step-parent experience can also be incredibly rewarding for people. Oftentimes, they have to travel a bit of a journey before they get to the rewards; and that\u2019s the encouragement we want people to realize. The risk does bring reward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If somebody is considering a blended marriage, right now\u2014they\u2019re listening and they go, \"This sounds really scary.\" Then, good!\u2014I mean, we have sobered them appropriately.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If somebody is on the other side of the fence\u2014they\u2019re already in a blended marriage; and they\u2019re going: \u201cI knew it was hard. You guys are just confirming what I\u2019ve already been experiencing.\u201d Well, good!\u2014because there is hope, Laura, when somebody realizes: \u201cOkay I\u2019m not atypical. What I\u2019m experiencing, as a step-parent, is not unusual;\u201d right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, one of the number one things that stepmoms say to me, when they come to my workshop on this topic is, \u201cIt\u2019s just so wonderful to be around other stepmoms that think, and feel, and sharing that what I\u2019m feeling is normal.\u201d Sometimes, just knowing that what we\u2019re feeling is normal\u2014there\u2019s a comfort in that. That\u2019s absolutely true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, too, the mistake is that we think that we learn from our past mistakes. So often\u2014and particularly, if you\u2019ve been a divorced person and you\u2019re remarrying\u2014you think: \u201cWell, I learned how to do marriage from\u2014you know, I learned what I did wrong from my first marriage.\u201d That\u2019s really untrue. We really do not learn from our mistakes unless we learn <em>why<\/em> we made those mistakes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, it\u2019s not uncommon to go on and make those mistakes again. It really is taking a good look in the mirror at, \u201cWhy did I get into this marriage?\u201d and, \u201cNow what am I going to do? It\u2019s a complicated marriage.\u201d For me, I had to get to a place where, even though there were times when I wanted to bail\u2014I say that in the book\u2014there were times I just wanted to run from all of it. I thought, \u201cSingleness wasn\u2019t too fun, but this is worse!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you\u2019re talking about bailing from the marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes! Yes! If I\u2019m being honest, there were moments when I thought: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019d just as soon go back to being single than dealing with all of this.\u201d I had to get to a point of where I said: \u201cYou know what? I made a vow before God\u2014before my husband\u2014that I am not going to get divorced again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just prayed: \u201cLord, You are going to have to teach me how to love these children and how to do this. I know that You can teach me if I will look to You. You will give me the heart, and the mind, and the ability to do this if I will seek You on it.\u201d That was where it began\u2014the turning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that\u2019s the risk. You see, what Laura said was, \u201cLord, teach me.\u201d She opened herself up to learning what she needed to learn in order to make the relationships work. That\u2019s one of the biggest risks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou stop and you think about it\u2014so many stepmothers are there. They\u2019ve already been through a divorce themselves. They\u2019ve already had some loss and tragedy in their life. They\u2019ve shut down from risk. They have gone into self-protection mode, and they are no longer willing. I can tell you\u2014that in a study I did with Dr. David Olson, that\u2019s given birth to another book that will be out, some point in the future\u2014we found that one of the highest predictors of remarriages that come apart is fear. It\u2019s simply the unwillingness to endure risk, to learn, to grow, to be humbled by it, and to grow through it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut once you get afraid, once you begin to lock-down, once you begin to say to yourself: \u201cYou know what? In a remarriage\u2014I don\u2019t know how to do that. There\u2019s a whole lot of risk involved with that. I think I will go where I find safety and security,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s back into being single again or being a single-parent again. Then, all of a sudden, you\u2019ve shut down; and there\u2019s no hope for the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019d be amazed at the number of stepmoms that have contacted me\u2014emailed me and said, \u201cWhen I pull in the driveway of my home and I know the step-kids are there, I feel exactly the same way as I did when I would pull into my home when I was married to an abusive husband.\u201d That\u2019s that kind of fear that is triggered in them. It\u2019s that same feeling of: \u201cI\u2019m out of control. There are people, here, who are hurting me. I feel ostracized. I feel lonely. I feel like I am being taken advantage of.\u201d So, she\u2019s really needing her spouse\u2014her husband, the father\u2014to come alongside her and help her with this process because they are <em>his<\/em> children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf they were her children, she could set certain boundaries with them. That is a little bit easier; but because it\u2019s <em>his<\/em> children, he\u2019s going to have to partner with her in order to get rid of that fear\u2014that abusiveness that is going on there\u2014because, alone, she really does not have the power, without him beside her, because they are not her biological children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, the first principle is\u2014that cannot be allowed to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely. The father, in that situation, has got to take charge. Now, I\u2019m going to assume, because it\u2019s gotten to that point, that he has not taken charge\u2014that he is not an engaged father\u2014but he\u2019s passive. He\u2019s letting things happen, for whatever reason. I\u2019m not thinking, here, of a stepmom\u2014who is in a necessarily physically-abusive environment\u2014but in an environment where she tries to implement change. She tries to follow through with her role, as a stepmother; but she gets sabotaged by her husband or what else happens in the home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we talk about in the book is what we call politely resigning. It\u2019s a very difficult thing to throw a mother into a place where she is responsible for getting the kids to pick up their room, take care of their stuff, and do their chores; but every time she tries, they just say, \u201cNo.\u201d They go appeal to Dad. Dad says, \u201cHey, it\u2019s not a big deal.\u201d She\u2019s stuck. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things she can do is say to her husband: \u201cI think it\u2019s time for me to no longer be responsible for getting them to make their beds. Obviously, that\u2019s not something that\u2019s important to you. So, I\u2019m going to just back out of that. If you want them to make their beds, I\u2019ll let you handle that.\u201d We hope what that would create is a little bit of a vacuum in the home. Dad walks around and notices that nobody ever makes their bed, and clothes are all over the place. Dad decides to get motivated to create this change. Then, something can happen; but until then\u2014until he\u2019s motivated\u2014she\u2019s going to have a difficult time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is one big issue. We don\u2019t have a lot of time to talk about this; but if there is something that is keeping Dad from getting involved, it may just be his passivity. But it may also be this overwhelming sense of guilt that he carries around with him: \u201cI put these kids in this position, through the failure of my first marriage. If I had done better\u2014\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s almost like he is thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve got to let them act out the way they are acting out because I bear the responsibility.\u201d How does Dad get past that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 He has to walk straight through guilt\u2014straight into his fear\u2014that somehow, \u201cPutting his wife into the front seat of his heart is going to cause his children irreparable pain, and he\u2019s going to cause them more difficulty.\u201d He\u2019s got to walk through that and act, out of trust, that that is the right thing to do\u2014that, eventually, that will bring stability to his children\u2019s lives\u2014even though, initially, it may bring some instability to their lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re saying commitment to his wife is the strongest gift he can give his children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right. Now, initially, Dennis, and this is really important because I don\u2019t want to convey an idea that initial commitment is just going to be happiness for his children. It\u2019s probably going to create them some pain because they were the priority for many years\u2014especially, in the single-parent years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor him to say: \u201cYou know what? Friday nights are for my wife now. We\u2019re going to go out on a date,\u201d and show that commitment\u2014express that commitment\u2014and include her in decision-making\u2014all of those things\u2014that will make children say, \u201cWell, wait a minute! We came first.\u201d But the test of time will be that that provides stability for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDuring that difficult transition is where a lot of men bail. It\u2019s where they don\u2019t follow through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 We don\u2019t want to convey that we\u2019re saying that the dad is supposed to neglect his children. He brought these children into the world\u2014so he needs to stay connected with his children. Say, for instance, that Friday night is date night. Make sure, then, Saturday morning breakfast is with your kids. Have one-on-one time with those children so that they can feel like they haven\u2019t completely lost their father to this new marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s very, very important for him to stay connected with those kids and to say: \u201cYou\u2019ve had me all these years. I realize this marriage has probably caused you some fear, and some anxiety, and feeling like maybe you\u2019re losing touch with me; but I\u2019m going to promise you that I am going to love my new wife, but I am never going to leave your side.\u201d It\u2019s important for dads to verbally communicate that the new wife is not replacing the children. He\u2019s got to spend time with the kids to do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m listening to both of you here. I know Bob is thinking the same thing, at this point. There have to be those who have heard you talk about this now, and they are listening to all the costs that come with a blended family. They\u2019re in a first-time marriage right now, and they\u2019re considering divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 We want them to stay in that marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want you to listen to me\u2014you\u2019re not going to trade this one in for a better one. You may <em>think<\/em> it\u2019s a better one; but let me tell you something\u2014there\u2019s a reason why the statistics are higher for a second-time marriage, with children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The degree of difficulty\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014increases!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014significantly. It doesn\u2019t matter how much emotional bonding you may feel to somebody outside your marriage. It doesn\u2019t matter\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014how good they make you feel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014or how bad your situation is, right now, in your first marriage. The degree of difficulty in establishing a blended family, a step-family relationship, is exponentially higher than it is to get things right in your first marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have a pastor friend who gives first-time married couples my previous book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily,<\/em> and makes them read it so that they will be even more determined to make their first marriage work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There you go! The point of all this is\u2014you need to figure out a way to make your marriage work, whether you\u2019re in a stepfamily or not in one\u2014you need the blueprints. I just want to exhort you: \u201cIf you haven\u2019t been to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, come. And if you went to one ten years ago, trust me\u2014it\u2019s time for a wheel alignment. It\u2019s time to change the oil. It\u2019s time to take a weekend away because you\u2019ve changed; and you want to head this kind of drama off at the pass,\u201d\u2014Bob, and get folks equipped and trained\u2014\u201cbecause your marriage is worth it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We have a number of <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways still happening this month and next month, as we wrap up our spring season: If folks are interested in finding out about a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> that\u2019s coming to a city, near where they live, that\u2019s easy. Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the link for the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway. You can get signed up for an upcoming event.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr if you want to look ahead to the fall and start to see where you can attend a <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>this fall\u2014I notice that we\u2019re going to be going to some nice places this fall. There\u2019s one in Yosemite, California\u2014one in Coeur d\u2019Alene, Idaho, at the Coeur d\u2019Alene Resort. We have some nice locations, where the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>is being held this fall. So again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link for the <em>Weekend to Remember, <\/em>and plan to join us at one of these <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd while you\u2019re on our website, get more information about the resources we have available for stepfamilies. Ron Deal has a number of resources, including his classic book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily.<\/em> We have that in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. Today is the last day that we\u2019re making available the book that Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge have written together for stepmoms. We\u2019re offering it at a special discount, and today\u2019s the last day that discount is in effect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo if you\u2019d like to take advantage of some savings on\u2014not only Laura\u2019s book\u2014but a number of Mother\u2019s Day items that we\u2019re making available at a discounted rate, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link for the Mother\u2019s Day sale. You can order <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> and other resources, as well. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about the resources we have available and about the Mother\u2019s Day sale that expires at midnight tonight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou think about summer and the things that you like about summer\u2014maybe, it\u2019s the swimming pool or the beach\u2014if you live near the beach. Maybe, it\u2019s the ice cream truck that starts to come through the neighborhood. When I was growing up, we had a Dairy Queen in our town; and Dairy Queen was not open in the winter. They opened up, I think, in April or May; and then, closed down in October. I was always excited about summer because Dairy Queen was going to open up. Now, Dairy Queen is open all the time; but back in the day, the only time I could get a Buster Bar was in the summertime. So, there\u2019s a lot of reason to love summer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you\u2019re part of a ministry, like <em>FamilyLife Today,<\/em> summer can be a challenging time of the year because, as folks are doing other things, we often see a decline in the donations that we receive here to help cover the costs for producing and syndicating this program. Money can get a little tight during the summer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have some friends of the ministry, who realize that\u2019s the case. They came to us and said, \u201cLet\u2019s see if we can build a little surplus so that, if things do get slow during the summer, you guys have some resources to tap into.\u201d What they offered to do was put together a matching fund for the month of May. Anybody who makes a donation, this month, to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014that donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $576,000. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are grateful for their generosity. We\u2019re praying that we\u2019ll be able to take full advantage of that matching gift. To do that, we need to ask you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a donation online, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation over the phone. Again, it\u2019s easy. All you do is go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d. Make an online donation. As soon as you do, we\u2019ll have access to an equal amount of matching funds from our matching-gift fund. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make your donation over the phone. The same thing happens so your donation is doubled. We do hope to hear from you\u2014hope that you can help support us as we seek to take full advantage of this matching gift during the month of May.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. Laura Petherbridge is going to be here again, along with Ron Deal. We\u2019re going to talk about how a stepmom should relate to her step-kids\u2019 biological mom. How do you deal with some of those challenges? We\u2019ll talk about that and other things tomorrow. I hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. See you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["21.67M"],"filesize_raw":["22721264"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302730.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302730.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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tells you how to avoid making some of the most wicked step parenting mistakes.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-07.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 If you\u2019re a stepmom, you may be able to relate to what Laura Petherbridge is describing here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019d be amazed at the number of stepmoms that have contacted me\u2014emailed me and said, \u201cWhen I pull in the driveway of my home, and I know the step-kids are there, I feel exactly the same way as I did when I would pull into my home when I was married to an abusive husband.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s that kind of fear that is triggered in them\u2014it\u2019s that same feeling of: \u201cI\u2019m out of control. There are people, here, who are hurting me. I feel ostracized. I feel lonely. I feel like I\u2019m being taken advantage of, and I\u2019m going to retreat.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, May 7<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. What do you do when you\u2019re a stepmom and the thought of just going home makes you tense up?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about that today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Thanks for joining us. Have you ever thought about the fact that, in a lot of cartoons, the character that is the personification of evil is a stepmother?\u00a0 Have you ever thought about that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I mean, <em>Cinderella<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s the wicked stepmother; in what was it?\u2014<em>Sleeping Beauty<\/em>\u2014I think, a wicked stepmother. I don\u2019t know how it got into our literature and our popular culture to be that way; but nobody thinks, \u201cGee, the stepmom\u2014she\u2019s the noble person.\u201d We\u2019ve got the stereotype of the wicked stepmother.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It causes me to wonder if those fairy tales were written by someone who grew up in a home where they had a stepmom; and maybe, that\u2019s the best word they could use to describe their stepmother. Well, we have the authors of a brand-new book called <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not the wicked stepmom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The smart stepmom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, but one of the authors described herself as a wicked stepmother. Laura Petherbridge\u2014she\u2019s the one who did that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 I did!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You described yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 I did. I\u2019m very honest.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve never really ever introduced a guest, since we started this in 1992, Bob, as\u2014[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We want to welcome our wicked stepmother to our program. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here she is on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. And Ron Deal joins us. I\u2019m not sure how to introduce you, Ron. But you both have a lot of experience in this area of step-parenting. Let\u2019s talk about that for a second. You refer to yourself\u2014in fact, you thought you\u2019d never become the wicked stepmother.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it really sounds bad, but the reason I put that in the book is because I want other stepmoms to understand that it\u2019s normal to feel that way. I can remember looking in the mirror, one day, thinking, \u201cWhat have I become?\u201d because I was feeling so wicked about all the issues that we were dealing with, as a family, and some of the emotions I was having towards my step-kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Like what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, just some days, wishing that their mother would move to another state; and I wouldn\u2019t have to see them for six months. It\u2019s a terrible thing to even say; but if I\u2019m being totally honest\u2014and I\u2019m speaking for a lot of stepmoms that contact me\u2014their desire is that the step-kids would move far, far away so you just wouldn\u2019t have to deal with it all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you want them out of your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly; exactly. I know that sounds very un-Christian. It doesn\u2019t sound very loving; but if we\u2019re being honest, that is often the thought that is going across the stepmom\u2019s mind: \u201cThis is so much more complicated than I thought it was going to be. Maybe, if they just weren\u2019t here, it wouldn\u2019t be so difficult.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever admitted this on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, but I think Barbara and I had some days with our kids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was thinking the same thing. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 If there had been a box to have checked\u2014\u201cCould there be a chance of our kids moving away\u2014for, maybe, six hours?\u201d Maybe, it wasn\u2019t six months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There were times when we sent them off to summer camp and just said, \u201cThank you, Lord, for summer camp\u2014just for a little breather, here!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I can really understand, Laura, although I\u2019ve, obviously, never been a step- parent. I can understand how that would create all kinds of guilty feelings and shame that you even have the thought.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely, because, I think\u2014as a biological parent\u2014when you think that, there is a part of you that knows that\u2019s a little bit normal\u2014but as a stepmom\u2014there\u2019s a part, in particular if you\u2019re a Christian\u2014there\u2019s a feeling inside of you that you know that you don\u2019t love these children in exactly the same way you either love your own children or you love your own family members. There\u2019s a guilt that goes along with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo it\u2019s different than the biological parent, you know\u2014being glad that the kids are going off to camp\u2014because it\u2019s just a different family dynamic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think part of this guilt is rooted in self-blame. Stepmoms are really hard on themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 As Laura and I did the research for this book and talked with stepmoms, we developed a team of stepmoms, who advised us about different aspects of the book. That\u2019s one of the things we heard over, and over, and over again. In my counseling with stepfamilies\u2014is this sense of blame. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStepmoms try so very hard. If they keep kind of beating their head against a wall, and can\u2019t quite get into a child\u2019s heart, or can\u2019t quite figure out how to deal with the power issues in being a parent and so on, they really, really struggle. Oftentimes, they just feel so isolated and alone. They don\u2019t know what else to do\u2014they kind of blame themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s a scenario I imagine. Tell me if this is kind of a typical scenario. A woman\u2014who either has her own children or, maybe, she\u2019s never been married\u2014but she has met this guy. She\u2019s in love with the guy. They\u2019ve started dating. She\u2019s met the kids. She likes the kids, and they seem to like her. They\u2019ve done some fun stuff together. The kids have affirmed her\u2014they\u2019ve said some really sweet things to her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs she and the guy are thinking about getting married, she goes, \u201cYou know, I know this is going to be challenging; but I really think this is going to work.\u201d She\u2019s hopeful. She has a lot of hope for what\u2019s coming up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 And really that\u2019s rooted in the idea that dating is going to be reflective of actual married life. I think one of the cruelties of this, for many people, is that dating is inconsistent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 With stepfamilies or first-family\u2014the dating relationship and the marriage\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not a real picture of a relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let me jump ahead now. The mom is married to the husband. All of a sudden, the kids are not acting the way they were acting during the courtship phase. In fact, she\u2019s seeing anger in them she\u2019s never seen before. It feels, to her, like they are starting to sabotage the marriage\u2014trying to come between her and her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis job of step-parenting is much harder than she ever imagined it was going to be. She\u2019s wondering: \u201cI don\u2019t know that I\u2019m cut out for this. I don\u2019t know that I can do this and do it well.\u201d Is that fairly\u2014have I described it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 It sure is; it sure is. And one of the things that you\u2019re mentioning, which is very realistic, is that the stepmom thinks that the children will just continue to embrace her and that they will <em>want<\/em> a new mother. But in reality\u2014in particular, if there\u2019s been a divorce\u2014when a parent remarries, after a divorce, it kills the dream for children that their parents will reconcile. Part of the reason children are so resistant to a new step-parent is that all of a sudden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The parent trap isn\u2019t going to happen the way it did in the movie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s absolutely right. This is the reality, \u201cNow, Daddy cannot go back to Mommy because he\u2019s got a new wife.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 In effect, the new marriage is another loss\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014for the children\u2014stacked upon the previous losses that they\u2019ve had. I think one of the things that we really try to help stepmoms understand, in this book, is that if you\u2019re a stepmother, you\u2019re a grief counselor because you\u2014and yourself\u2014you\u2019re going to go through some losses\u2014but the children that you\u2019re helping to raise, and if you have your own biological children\u2014everybody goes through some transition that basically represents loss.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s tagged on top of the losses that got you into this situation\u2014whether biological mother passed away or there was a divorce\u2014you\u2019re a grief counselor. The losses are just going to be carried right into the new family experience, on through the years. It\u2019s not just going to dwindle down and go away. It\u2019s going to be there for the duration.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just have to ask, at this point, given what we\u2019ve just laid out, \u201cShould anybody even try this?\u201d You know, there\u2019s part of me that goes, \u201cWe\u2019re talking about one of the most complicated, difficult assignments that could be handed to somebody: \u2018Do this at your own risk,\u2019 or should you just leave well enough alone and not try to make this happen?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, you said a key word there\u2014risk. I truly believe that life is a risk, in a sense; and marriage is a risk. I always tell people, \u201cYou are always working on your marriage because your marriage is always working on you.\u201d God uses it to disciple us, to train us, to refine us. The same thing is going to be true of a stepmother experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe\u2019s going to encounter some things she didn\u2019t count on\u2014she didn\u2019t know she was going to need grace for. It\u2019s going to transform her, and deepen her love, and her ability to walk with grace\u2014if she will listen and learn from the experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we do want people to have their eyes open. I think it\u2019s an interesting notion to tell people, who are dating, that, as a single parent, it\u2019s a legitimate option to stay single\u2014to raise your kids and to do a good job with that. But the step-parent experience can also be incredibly rewarding for people. Oftentimes, they have to travel a bit of a journey before they get to the rewards; and that\u2019s the encouragement we want people to realize. The risk does bring reward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If somebody is considering a blended marriage, right now\u2014they\u2019re listening and they go, \"This sounds really scary.\" Then, good!\u2014I mean, we have sobered them appropriately.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If somebody is on the other side of the fence\u2014they\u2019re already in a blended marriage; and they\u2019re going: \u201cI knew it was hard. You guys are just confirming what I\u2019ve already been experiencing.\u201d Well, good!\u2014because there is hope, Laura, when somebody realizes: \u201cOkay I\u2019m not atypical. What I\u2019m experiencing, as a step-parent, is not unusual;\u201d right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, one of the number one things that stepmoms say to me, when they come to my workshop on this topic is, \u201cIt\u2019s just so wonderful to be around other stepmoms that think, and feel, and sharing that what I\u2019m feeling is normal.\u201d Sometimes, just knowing that what we\u2019re feeling is normal\u2014there\u2019s a comfort in that. That\u2019s absolutely true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, too, the mistake is that we think that we learn from our past mistakes. So often\u2014and particularly, if you\u2019ve been a divorced person and you\u2019re remarrying\u2014you think: \u201cWell, I learned how to do marriage from\u2014you know, I learned what I did wrong from my first marriage.\u201d That\u2019s really untrue. We really do not learn from our mistakes unless we learn <em>why<\/em> we made those mistakes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, it\u2019s not uncommon to go on and make those mistakes again. It really is taking a good look in the mirror at, \u201cWhy did I get into this marriage?\u201d and, \u201cNow what am I going to do? It\u2019s a complicated marriage.\u201d For me, I had to get to a place where, even though there were times when I wanted to bail\u2014I say that in the book\u2014there were times I just wanted to run from all of it. I thought, \u201cSingleness wasn\u2019t too fun, but this is worse!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you\u2019re talking about bailing from the marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes! Yes! If I\u2019m being honest, there were moments when I thought: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019d just as soon go back to being single than dealing with all of this.\u201d I had to get to a point of where I said: \u201cYou know what? I made a vow before God\u2014before my husband\u2014that I am not going to get divorced again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just prayed: \u201cLord, You are going to have to teach me how to love these children and how to do this. I know that You can teach me if I will look to You. You will give me the heart, and the mind, and the ability to do this if I will seek You on it.\u201d That was where it began\u2014the turning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that\u2019s the risk. You see, what Laura said was, \u201cLord, teach me.\u201d She opened herself up to learning what she needed to learn in order to make the relationships work. That\u2019s one of the biggest risks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou stop and you think about it\u2014so many stepmothers are there. They\u2019ve already been through a divorce themselves. They\u2019ve already had some loss and tragedy in their life. They\u2019ve shut down from risk. They have gone into self-protection mode, and they are no longer willing. I can tell you\u2014that in a study I did with Dr. David Olson, that\u2019s given birth to another book that will be out, some point in the future\u2014we found that one of the highest predictors of remarriages that come apart is fear. It\u2019s simply the unwillingness to endure risk, to learn, to grow, to be humbled by it, and to grow through it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut once you get afraid, once you begin to lock-down, once you begin to say to yourself: \u201cYou know what? In a remarriage\u2014I don\u2019t know how to do that. There\u2019s a whole lot of risk involved with that. I think I will go where I find safety and security,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s back into being single again or being a single-parent again. Then, all of a sudden, you\u2019ve shut down; and there\u2019s no hope for the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019d be amazed at the number of stepmoms that have contacted me\u2014emailed me and said, \u201cWhen I pull in the driveway of my home and I know the step-kids are there, I feel exactly the same way as I did when I would pull into my home when I was married to an abusive husband.\u201d That\u2019s that kind of fear that is triggered in them. It\u2019s that same feeling of: \u201cI\u2019m out of control. There are people, here, who are hurting me. I feel ostracized. I feel lonely. I feel like I am being taken advantage of.\u201d So, she\u2019s really needing her spouse\u2014her husband, the father\u2014to come alongside her and help her with this process because they are <em>his<\/em> children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf they were her children, she could set certain boundaries with them. That is a little bit easier; but because it\u2019s <em>his<\/em> children, he\u2019s going to have to partner with her in order to get rid of that fear\u2014that abusiveness that is going on there\u2014because, alone, she really does not have the power, without him beside her, because they are not her biological children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, the first principle is\u2014that cannot be allowed to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely. The father, in that situation, has got to take charge. Now, I\u2019m going to assume, because it\u2019s gotten to that point, that he has not taken charge\u2014that he is not an engaged father\u2014but he\u2019s passive. He\u2019s letting things happen, for whatever reason. I\u2019m not thinking, here, of a stepmom\u2014who is in a necessarily physically-abusive environment\u2014but in an environment where she tries to implement change. She tries to follow through with her role, as a stepmother; but she gets sabotaged by her husband or what else happens in the home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we talk about in the book is what we call politely resigning. It\u2019s a very difficult thing to throw a mother into a place where she is responsible for getting the kids to pick up their room, take care of their stuff, and do their chores; but every time she tries, they just say, \u201cNo.\u201d They go appeal to Dad. Dad says, \u201cHey, it\u2019s not a big deal.\u201d She\u2019s stuck. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things she can do is say to her husband: \u201cI think it\u2019s time for me to no longer be responsible for getting them to make their beds. Obviously, that\u2019s not something that\u2019s important to you. So, I\u2019m going to just back out of that. If you want them to make their beds, I\u2019ll let you handle that.\u201d We hope what that would create is a little bit of a vacuum in the home. Dad walks around and notices that nobody ever makes their bed, and clothes are all over the place. Dad decides to get motivated to create this change. Then, something can happen; but until then\u2014until he\u2019s motivated\u2014she\u2019s going to have a difficult time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is one big issue. We don\u2019t have a lot of time to talk about this; but if there is something that is keeping Dad from getting involved, it may just be his passivity. But it may also be this overwhelming sense of guilt that he carries around with him: \u201cI put these kids in this position, through the failure of my first marriage. If I had done better\u2014\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s almost like he is thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve got to let them act out the way they are acting out because I bear the responsibility.\u201d How does Dad get past that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 He has to walk straight through guilt\u2014straight into his fear\u2014that somehow, \u201cPutting his wife into the front seat of his heart is going to cause his children irreparable pain, and he\u2019s going to cause them more difficulty.\u201d He\u2019s got to walk through that and act, out of trust, that that is the right thing to do\u2014that, eventually, that will bring stability to his children\u2019s lives\u2014even though, initially, it may bring some instability to their lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re saying commitment to his wife is the strongest gift he can give his children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right. Now, initially, Dennis, and this is really important because I don\u2019t want to convey an idea that initial commitment is just going to be happiness for his children. It\u2019s probably going to create them some pain because they were the priority for many years\u2014especially, in the single-parent years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor him to say: \u201cYou know what? Friday nights are for my wife now. We\u2019re going to go out on a date,\u201d and show that commitment\u2014express that commitment\u2014and include her in decision-making\u2014all of those things\u2014that will make children say, \u201cWell, wait a minute! We came first.\u201d But the test of time will be that that provides stability for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDuring that difficult transition is where a lot of men bail. It\u2019s where they don\u2019t follow through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong>\u00a0 We don\u2019t want to convey that we\u2019re saying that the dad is supposed to neglect his children. He brought these children into the world\u2014so he needs to stay connected with his children. Say, for instance, that Friday night is date night. Make sure, then, Saturday morning breakfast is with your kids. Have one-on-one time with those children so that they can feel like they haven\u2019t completely lost their father to this new marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s very, very important for him to stay connected with those kids and to say: \u201cYou\u2019ve had me all these years. I realize this marriage has probably caused you some fear, and some anxiety, and feeling like maybe you\u2019re losing touch with me; but I\u2019m going to promise you that I am going to love my new wife, but I am never going to leave your side.\u201d It\u2019s important for dads to verbally communicate that the new wife is not replacing the children. He\u2019s got to spend time with the kids to do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m listening to both of you here. I know Bob is thinking the same thing, at this point. There have to be those who have heard you talk about this now, and they are listening to all the costs that come with a blended family. They\u2019re in a first-time marriage right now, and they\u2019re considering divorce.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 We want them to stay in that marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want you to listen to me\u2014you\u2019re not going to trade this one in for a better one. You may <em>think<\/em> it\u2019s a better one; but let me tell you something\u2014there\u2019s a reason why the statistics are higher for a second-time marriage, with children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The degree of difficulty\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014increases!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014significantly. It doesn\u2019t matter how much emotional bonding you may feel to somebody outside your marriage. It doesn\u2019t matter\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014how good they make you feel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014or how bad your situation is, right now, in your first marriage. The degree of difficulty in establishing a blended family, a step-family relationship, is exponentially higher than it is to get things right in your first marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have a pastor friend who gives first-time married couples my previous book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily,<\/em> and makes them read it so that they will be even more determined to make their first marriage work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There you go! The point of all this is\u2014you need to figure out a way to make your marriage work, whether you\u2019re in a stepfamily or not in one\u2014you need the blueprints. I just want to exhort you: \u201cIf you haven\u2019t been to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, come. And if you went to one ten years ago, trust me\u2014it\u2019s time for a wheel alignment. It\u2019s time to change the oil. It\u2019s time to take a weekend away because you\u2019ve changed; and you want to head this kind of drama off at the pass,\u201d\u2014Bob, and get folks equipped and trained\u2014\u201cbecause your marriage is worth it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We have a number of <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways still happening this month and next month, as we wrap up our spring season: If folks are interested in finding out about a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> that\u2019s coming to a city, near where they live, that\u2019s easy. Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the link for the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway. You can get signed up for an upcoming event.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr if you want to look ahead to the fall and start to see where you can attend a <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>this fall\u2014I notice that we\u2019re going to be going to some nice places this fall. There\u2019s one in Yosemite, California\u2014one in Coeur d\u2019Alene, Idaho, at the Coeur d\u2019Alene Resort. We have some nice locations, where the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>is being held this fall. So again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link for the <em>Weekend to Remember, <\/em>and plan to join us at one of these <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd while you\u2019re on our website, get more information about the resources we have available for stepfamilies. Ron Deal has a number of resources, including his classic book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily.<\/em> We have that in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. Today is the last day that we\u2019re making available the book that Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge have written together for stepmoms. We\u2019re offering it at a special discount, and today\u2019s the last day that discount is in effect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo if you\u2019d like to take advantage of some savings on\u2014not only Laura\u2019s book\u2014but a number of Mother\u2019s Day items that we\u2019re making available at a discounted rate, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the link for the Mother\u2019s Day sale. You can order <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> and other resources, as well. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about the resources we have available and about the Mother\u2019s Day sale that expires at midnight tonight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou think about summer and the things that you like about summer\u2014maybe, it\u2019s the swimming pool or the beach\u2014if you live near the beach. Maybe, it\u2019s the ice cream truck that starts to come through the neighborhood. When I was growing up, we had a Dairy Queen in our town; and Dairy Queen was not open in the winter. They opened up, I think, in April or May; and then, closed down in October. I was always excited about summer because Dairy Queen was going to open up. Now, Dairy Queen is open all the time; but back in the day, the only time I could get a Buster Bar was in the summertime. So, there\u2019s a lot of reason to love summer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you\u2019re part of a ministry, like <em>FamilyLife Today,<\/em> summer can be a challenging time of the year because, as folks are doing other things, we often see a decline in the donations that we receive here to help cover the costs for producing and syndicating this program. Money can get a little tight during the summer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have some friends of the ministry, who realize that\u2019s the case. They came to us and said, \u201cLet\u2019s see if we can build a little surplus so that, if things do get slow during the summer, you guys have some resources to tap into.\u201d What they offered to do was put together a matching fund for the month of May. Anybody who makes a donation, this month, to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014that donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $576,000. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are grateful for their generosity. We\u2019re praying that we\u2019ll be able to take full advantage of that matching gift. To do that, we need to ask you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a donation online, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation over the phone. Again, it\u2019s easy. All you do is go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d. Make an online donation. As soon as you do, we\u2019ll have access to an equal amount of matching funds from our matching-gift fund. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make your donation over the phone. The same thing happens so your donation is doubled. We do hope to hear from you\u2014hope that you can help support us as we seek to take full advantage of this matching gift during the month of May.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. Laura Petherbridge is going to be here again, along with Ron Deal. We\u2019re going to talk about how a stepmom should relate to her step-kids\u2019 biological mom. How do you deal with some of those challenges? We\u2019ll talk about that and other things tomorrow. I hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. See you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302730","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302730"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302730"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302730"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302730"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302730"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302730"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302730"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}