{"id":302728,"date":"2013-05-06T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-05-06T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-role-of-the-stepmother\/"},"modified":"2013-05-06T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-05-06T15:00:00","slug":"the-role-of-the-stepmother","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-role-of-the-stepmother\/","title":{"rendered":"The Role of the Stepmother"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If being a mother is hard work, then being a stepmother is twice as difficult.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-06.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"20.75M","filesize_raw":"21762690","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2858],"tags":[5277,5276],"podcast_series":[7687],"cwp_profile":[3308,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302728","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-stepparenting-skills","tag-being-a-stepmom","tag-stepfamilies","podcast_series-the-smart-stepmom","cwp_profile-laura-petherbridge","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302728\/the-role-of-the-stepmother","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302728\/the-role-of-the-stepmother","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"9CXv4pv5Bd\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-role-of-the-stepmother\/\">The Role of the Stepmother<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-role-of-the-stepmother\/embed\/#?secret=9CXv4pv5Bd\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Role of the Stepmother&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"9CXv4pv5Bd\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-06.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-06.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There are similarities between being a mom and being a stepmom, but Ron Deal says there are a number of significant differences that can\u2019t be taken for granted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If two parents have a child, they have a God-given blood-bond with that kid from the day he\u2019s brought into the world. It affords you certain things with your relationship. You have, for example, automatic love from your kids. You have automatic grace and forgiveness. You get automatic respect with this attachment-bond. You get automatic affection with this attachment-bond. Now, a stepmother comes in and she doesn\u2019t get automatic anything. She has to earn every bit of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, May 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll talk today about how a stepmom can navigate the sometimes choppy waters she finds herself in. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, we get a lot of emails from listeners. One of the things I\u2019ve seen listeners say a lot, that has been encouraging is, \u201cWe appreciate the fact that you guys don\u2019t put a veneer on what\u2019s going on in families.\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cYou tell it like it is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We try to be authentic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, we do get some folks, who write from time to time, and say, \u201cIt sounds like it\u2019s just a \u2018Beaver Cleaver\u2019 perfect family when we listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m not sure what broadcast they\u2019re listening to because I\u2019ve shared enough of my mistakes on this broadcast that I don\u2019t think the Cleavers ever experienced. [Laughter] But we have a pair of people joining us on the broadcast today who know about a different type of family, other than the Cleavers. Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge join us <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Laura, Ron welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You guys collaborated to write a book on stepfamilies. You\u2019ve written a book called <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>. Ron, you\u2019ve been in this area\u2014ministering for, now, close to two decades\u2014had vital ministry\u2014counseling, writing, and training in churches across the country. Laura, you\u2019ve done a number of divorce workshops and have created material there. This issue is a relevant issue today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, you were telling me that there are over ten million stepmoms today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And that\u2019s a conservative estimate in the United States\u2014over ten million stepmoms. It actually could be quite a bit higher than that, but the census doesn\u2019t keep the kind of records that they used to. Stepmoms are very, very common, within the church and within the communities, in the United States.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And Laura, you are one of the ten million; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right, for more than 24 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Tell us a little bit of your story. How did you become a stepmom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, I went through a divorce in 1984\u2014went through a divorce. Then, a couple years later, I remarried. The man that I married had two children. They were 11 and 13, at the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Did you know what you were getting yourself into?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Absolutely not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You actually grew up in a home\u2014that you had two stepmoms, as a child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And as an adult, growing up; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. I\u2019ve had two stepmoms of my own. So I assumed\u2014I falsely assumed\u2014that that would prepare me for <em>being<\/em> a stepmom. That was wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What one word would you use to describe your stepmoms? Pick two words\u2014one for each\u2014just as stepmoms.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Oh, for my own stepmoms.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, from your own experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> The first stepmom\u2014I would say, \u201cjealous\u201d.\u00a0 The second stepmom\u2014I would say, \u201ccompassionate\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, you did have a little bit of a picture of what not to do and what to do when you became a stepmom. But you said you still weren\u2019t prepared for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, I knew some basic things\u2014like trying not to become their mother\u2014but I was older when my dad remarried the third time. My second stepmom\u2014his third marriage\u2014was a little different because I was an adult. So, I approached it a little differently. But, yes, my first stepmom\u2014I realized, as time went on, that she was just very jealous of him having two children, with a former marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron, is that the number one mistake stepmoms make\u2014assuming they can step in to be a mom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think so. We have, in our society and our culture, what we call the \u201cmotherhood mandate\u201d. That is simply the idea that women are the emotional connectors in the family. They\u2019re the ones who care-take. They\u2019re also the ones who connect, emotionally, with people in the family\u2014and kind of the centerpiece, if you will. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf a stepmother comes in and tries to take that center-place\u2014there\u2019s already a mother, even if she\u2019s deceased. There\u2019s already a mother. So, she may feel like the expectation of her is that she becomes the emotional connector. She may believe that that\u2019s really what she wants and also, by the way, that takes care of her because she moves from an outside role to an inside role, once she\u2019s emotionally-connected with everybody. But as she tries to move into that place and move mom out, that\u2019s a huge mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> A lot of resistance occurs there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely. It just emboldens the resistance, I think, within children, whether they be children or adults. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As I was reading through your book, I was struck by the quotes from stepmoms that you have in there. Every one of the quotes, it seems, drips with emotion\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014disappointment, discouragement, unmet expectations. This is really what you were attempting to do as you wrote this\u2014you wanted to come alongside stepmoms and help them understand what \u201cnormal\u201d is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right because stepmothers, typically, feel very lonely. They feel very isolated. They feel ostracized and <em>outside<\/em> of the family circle. They feel very rejected\u2014sometimes, even by their husband. What the goal is, particularly in the beginning of the book, is to show other stepmoms, \u201cWe understand your pain. These feelings are perfectly normal, and there is a way to overcome them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It seems like there almost ought to be a surgeon general\u2019s warning on the side of being a stepmom. Somebody, who is considering a blended marriage relationship\u2014whether they are bringing their own kids in or they\u2019re stepping into an existing family structure\u2014there almost ought to be a time-out to say, \u201cYou just need a real sober assessment of what you are about to do,\u201d because the dynamics here, Ron, are really significant; aren\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, really, what we are saying is: \u201cYou can be a great stepmother\u2014have a wonderful step-family relationship. It\u2019s something you grow into\u2014that the family will grow together, over time.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe just want to get your expectations set for that woman\u2014who is in the dating experience, looking down the road\u2014thinking about marrying a man who has children: \u201cWhat\u2019s my role? What\u2019s my place going to be?\u201d We want her expectations in the right place so she understands that there is a process here\u2014that she may not ever, in the children\u2019s heart, take on that mother- figure kind of role. She might, but she may not. Or, even more confusing, she might have that role with some of the children but not with all of the children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, just to understand that\u2014and to go in with her eyes open and her expectations, in the right place\u2014sets her up for greater success. Here\u2019s something I believe\u2014more stepmoms are successful than they know, but they are trying so hard and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, more than likely, their standards are so high.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. They\u2019re trying to fulfill that motherhood mandate. What we want them to know is there is just a different standard\u2014it is a different dynamic\u2014for a stepmother\u2019s relationship. Again, it can be great\u2014wonderful, even beyond your expectations\u2014but don\u2019t assume that you\u2019re going to become \u201cMom\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you said it\u2019s going to take time. Are you saying months, years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve talked on this program before about how it generally takes stepfamilies five to seven years to really kind of integrate\u2014to pull the family members in. I call it \u201ccooking\u201d. It takes a while to cook. \u201cHow long does it take a stepmother to really get into a place where she feels some peace and feels connected, emotionally, and knows what her role is?\u201d Well, that depends. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt depends on so many factors\u2014the age of the children, whether they\u2019re part-time or full-time children\u2014all kinds of things make a difference there. Again, what I would wish for stepmothers is that they would enjoy what they have <em>today<\/em> rather than living and longing for what they don\u2019t have today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, look at the glass and, \u201cIt\u2019s half-empty.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Go with what God has given you and grow with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Laura, as you started your journey, as a stepmom, undoubtedly\u2014well, you admit in your book\u2014you had high expectations, and you were instantly disappointed. How did it manifest itself with your husband\u2019s children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, I really think I was going to come in and be this wonderful Christian role model in their life, and influence them, and get them in church. I just had all these expectations of what a wonderful Christian example I was going to be for them. Then, when it gets down to the day-to-day stuff, it\u2019s just so different than what you think it\u2019s going to be. It\u2019s just so much <em>harder<\/em> than you think it\u2019s going to be. Stepmoms often feel guilty that they don\u2019t love their stepchildren as much as they either think they should or as much as they love their own children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I didn\u2019t have my own biological children\u2014so I didn\u2019t have that comparison\u2014but other stepmoms tell me all the time, \u201cI feel so guilty because I don\u2019t love his kids in exactly the same way that I love my own.\u201d I think that\u2019s one of the first things\u2014is to lower your expectations for the role that you are going to be or become in the lives of these children. That\u2019s what I had to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Take us to, early in your marriage, when you had to learn that. What was one of the first situations that occurred, at the grassroots level, in the mundane, everyday life\u2014that stepmoms face\u2014that you had to face?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, I had to realize certain things were not a hill to die on. For example, I was going to get us all eating really healthy and having these really healthy meals. Well, my stepkids weren\u2019t doing that in their other home\u2014in their biological home\u2014so, of course, when they came to my home, there\u2019s going to be resistance to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt wasn\u2019t my job to try to change that in their life. They have a mom; they have a dad. Those are the two people in their lives that should be seeing that they\u2019re eating healthy, or going to church, or any of those things. It wasn\u2019t my job. I had to learn to let go of the things that were not my job, as a stepmother, and to only focus on becoming as godly of an example, and influence and role model in their lives as they would <em>let<\/em> me become.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So take us to the dinner table\u2014you got kids who won\u2019t eat it\u2014pushing back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Do you engage your husband, at this point, and ask him to step in; or do you call a time-out\u2014step into another room\u2014and have a little caucus between husband and wife and say, \u201cHow are we going to handle this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, it has to become between the stepmom and her husband, \u201cHow important is this in our home, to you, as the dad?\u201d Then, depending on how important it is to him, that\u2019s how much further you can take it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Laura has just introduced one of the most foundational concepts to a successful stepmother; and that is, she works with her husband. What she\u2019s saying is, \u201cIt wasn\u2019t her job to get them eating right.\u201d Well, if her husband <em>wants<\/em> his kids eating right, she can partner with him; and she can make that happen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if the stepmother is trying to assert new rules\u2014new standards of conduct, new ways of behavior\u2014and none of the biological parents want that\u2014meaning, the biological mom in the other home or biological dad\u2014he didn\u2019t really care about that\u2014then, it\u2019s not going to happen. It\u2019s just going to create more conflict in this particular situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor her to go\u2014kind of behind closed doors, as you suggested\u2014and have that pow-wow with her husband and figure out what the standard is going to be\u2014and then, together, present that standard\u2014that position of unity is going to actually get things done. It\u2019s going to empower the stepmother to be able to follow through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, if he says, \u201cYou know, this healthy eating thing is really not that big of deal to me,\u201d I\u2019m thinking of you going, \u201cWell, it ought to be!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s what I did. That\u2019s what I did wrong. I would try to push the issues that I felt were important. Now, when you get into moral issues\u2014that\u2019s where it gets really, really difficult. I get emails from stepmoms constantly\u2014their issue isn\u2019t food\u2014they\u2019re not dealing with a food issue. They\u2019re dealing with something like the teenage son is looking at pornography, <em>or <\/em>the stepchild is coming into the home, calling her\u2014swearing at her\u2014calling her terrible names\u2014and she doesn\u2019t know how to respond to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let\u2019s take the teenage son, looking at pornography, and a stepmom\u2014what\u2019s she to do?\u00a0 At that point, it is a moral issue. You know what\u2019s best for him, at that point. Do we follow the same scenario of you and your husband getting off and caucusing again\u2014talking about it\u2014and what if he doesn\u2019t do anything any different\u2014doesn\u2019t think it\u2019s a big issue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let\u2019s take this in layers because it\u2019s an excellent question. Again, there is not one single answer. Let\u2019s remember that a stepmother\u2019s role is going to develop and change over time. If this is a stepmother, who has been in the life of this child for many years, and they have a good bond and relationship, and she feels like she has enough \u201cmoney in the bank\u201d, with this young man, she can address him directly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf, however, she\u2019s in the early years of this experience, and this young man really doesn\u2019t give a rip about her opinion about this, then she simply doesn\u2019t have the power. She wishes she had it, but she just doesn\u2019t with this young man. At that point, she really has to go to her husband. She really has to work with him. If he embraces this, and understands this is something that needs to be addressed, they can figure out a plan, as a team. If he doesn\u2019t\u2014if he doesn\u2019t think it\u2019s a big deal\u2014or if he says, \u201cYes, it\u2019s a big deal,\u201d but he won\u2019t follow through\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Or if he kind of dismisses it because he\u2019s got a problem with pornography\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, exactly. Again, she\u2019s in a very disempowered place. It\u2019s not hopeless; but the reality is, \u201cHow much influence does she have?\u201d She has to try to work with her influence where it is. In this scenario\u2014that we\u2019re talking about\u2014that would be through her husband; but if he\u2019s not willing to do it, then, she has to, I think, assert some boundaries. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think she could say things for her own personal space. There may be younger children in the home. She may have to say some things like: \u201cI\u2019m sorry. You\u2019re not going to be allowed to use the family computer.\u201d I guarantee it\u2019s going to create conflict and a battle in the home. Ultimately, what this comes down to is whether or not dad will deal with his son. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, I want to draw attention to something you said earlier because it was one of those \u201cah ha\u201d moments, for me, as you were talking about this. A stepmom feels like she ought to have a level of authority in the family structure because, after all, she\u2019s an adult and she\u2019s a mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And she\u2019s paying for a lot of stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, there\u2019s not just the authority\u2014but there\u2019s the heart of wanting to be a mother\u2014and, maybe, the dream has been realized.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you said that, rather than seeing her position as one of authority, she really needs to reframe it as one of influence and start to look at, \u201cHow can I be an influencer in the lives of these children, and even in my husband\u2019s life, if there are some of these issues that need to be worked out?\u201d Again, not from a position of: \u201cHere\u2019s how we\u2019re going to do it,\u201d but from a position of: \u201cHow can I help?\u201d and, \u201cHow can I influence, and change the climate, and adjust the thermostat around here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Essentially, the stepmother\u2019s role comes down to relationship. The more relationship she has, the more influence she has with the children. That will come with the passage of time, as they grow together, as a family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Say that again, Ron.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Essentially, step-parenting\u2014and for the stepmother\u2014it comes down to relationship with the children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The deeper the relationship\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u2014the more authority she has with the kids\u2014the more influence she has with the children. It\u2019s a matter of timing. Being an active, engaged\u2014what we might call an authoritative parent\u2014is a matter of timing for the stepmother. She has to earn the relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, here\u2019s one of the foundational issues we discussed in this book\u2014\u2014it\u2019s attachment. A lot of people just don\u2019t understand how attachment works. If two parents have a child, they have a God-given blood-bond with that kid, from the day he or she is brought into the world. It is an indescribable relationship with your children. It is the kind of thing that never goes away\u2014never passes away. It affords you certain things with your relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have, for example, what I like to call automatic love from your kids. You have automatic grace and forgiveness. Do you ever have to apologize to one of your children? I\u2019ve had to do that more often than I\u2019d like to admit. But you know what? They take me back. They don\u2019t even blink. They forgive, and they throw their arms around me, and we move on. You get automatic respect with this attachment-bond. You get automatic affection with this attachment-bond. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, stepmother comes in, and she doesn\u2019t get automatic anything. She has to earn every bit of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, she may get automatic\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> But it will be pushback or resentment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Or rejection.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Because she\u2019s \u201cthe new person on the block\u201d, at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, and she\u2019s often viewed as: \u201cA person I don\u2019t want in the circle. Dad and I were getting along perfectly fine before you entered the picture.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> You have, actually, become the stepmom. In their eyes\u2014in the children\u2019s eyes\u2014has come in between the relationship that the child had with the parent. So, she is not viewed as an ally. She is often viewed as the enemy\u2014and the person that, \u201cIt is my job, as the child, to get you out of this family.\u201d There is usually a mission, in the eyes of stepchildren, to get the stepmother out!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> How many kids have you ever run into that have said, \u201cYou know, someday, I hope I\u2019ll have a step-parent\u201d? It\u2019s just not part of the fantasy we have of life. By the way, that works the other side. How many women, do you know, that have ever said, \u201cSomeday, I hope to be a stepmother\u201d? It\u2019s not, necessarily, a role that is embraced and welcomed. What Laura is saying is that children don\u2019t have the same commitment to the success of the marriage, as the couple does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what you\u2019re acknowledging. The reason that kids don\u2019t say, \u201cI hope, someday, to have a stepmom,\u201d or a woman doesn\u2019t say, \u201cI hope to someday to be a stepmom,\u201d is because, when that happens, we have to admit something\u2019s broken. Now, the question is, \u201cWhat do we do with this broken thing\u2014to bring it to a place where God is glorified\u2014where we love one another, where we live according to biblical precepts\u2014in a broken structure?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, \u201cWe\u2019re getting along in our marriage so that our marriage can go the distance and outlive the child-rearing years.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to summarize with three quick points here: Number one\u2014lower your expectations. You heard that over, and over, and over again in here. You don\u2019t have the ideal situation. It is going to be less than ideal. Make the best of it. Learn how to apply lots of forgiveness. Secondly, heighten the relationship\u2014just like you talked about. Influence comes as a result of your hearts being knit to one another. Third, communicate, communicate, and communicate. Talk to your spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a dad, and you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019re married to a woman who is the stepmom of your children, understand that she needs your ear and your heart. She needs to know you\u2019re on her team and on her side\u2014that you\u2019re not sparring with her. I can really see, Bob, in a situation like this, how a husband and a wife can end up in opposite corners of a boxing ring\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014kind of, the bell starts at the beginning of the day. It\u2019s one issue\u2014all-day long, after another\u2014that pits them against one another. They need help, and they need some hope, and some encouragement in the process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t know how many married couples I\u2019ve talked to\u2014who are in second or third marriages, in a stepfamily setting\u2014and I\u2019ve had to pull them back to the idea that the relationship they\u2019re in\u2014the marriage relationship\u2014has to be the primary relationship. It\u2019s got to supersede the parent-child relationship. If that\u2019s not what is in place, you\u2019re never going to have the kind of healthy stepfamily relationship that you want to have and that God wants you to have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got a number of Ron Deal\u2019s resources, here at FamilyLife, available to help you in a stepfamily situation. In fact, if you go to FamilyLifeToday.com, there\u2019s a link there to all of the resources that Ron has put together to help stepfamilies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to mention that today and tomorrow, the book we\u2019ve talked about today, <em>The Smart Stepmom, <\/em>is available at a discounted price. We\u2019re having an online Mother\u2019s Day sale, and we\u2019ve got some special items that we\u2019ve marked down for a couple of days. <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> is one of those items. So, if you\u2019d like to save a little money, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and get the information about the Mother\u2019s Day sale. Order a copy of Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal\u2019s book,<em> The Smart Stepmom<\/em>. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order at 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d: 1-800-358-6329. Ask about the book, <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>; or if you have questions about other resources for stepfamilies, just give us a call or go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we\u2019ve started hearing from some of our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners. We just want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who\u2019ve already gotten in touch with us in response to the matching fund that is happening here, during the month of May, on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> We had some friends of the ministry who got together and said, \u201cYou know, summertime is a tough season for ministries like <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u201d They wanted to make sure that, as we head into the summer months, we\u2019ve been able to set aside some money so that\u2014if donations drop in the summer, as they often do\u2014we\u2019ll have a little surplus that we can draw from. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese friends provided us with a matching-gift fund. They agreed that they would match every donation, during the month of May, up to a total of $576,000. We said, \u201cThat\u2019s great!\u201d But then, we realized, \u201cWe\u2019re going to need listeners who will donate so that we can access those matching funds.\u201d That\u2019s what we\u2019re asking you\u2014if you\u2019ll consider doing\u2014if you will go to FamilyLifeToday.com, make an online donation of whatever you can do\u2014$20, $30, $40, or $50\u2014that donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, from the matching-gift fund. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone. Again, we appreciate your support. Your donation will be matched, dollar for dollar, as well. You\u2019ll help us be ready to face June, July, and August. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do. We appreciate your support. Again, donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the \u201cI CARE\u201d button when you go online; or donate by calling 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about some of the emotions that a stepmom experiences\u2014the emotions of fear and loneliness\u2014feeling like you\u2019re out of control\u2014like there are people, who want to hurt you, are now a part of your family. We\u2019ll talk about that tomorrow with Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal. I hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["20.75M"],"filesize_raw":["21762690"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302728.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302728.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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being a mother is hard work, then being a stepmother is twice as difficult.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There are similarities between being a mom and being a stepmom, but Ron Deal says there are a number of significant differences that can\u2019t be taken for granted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If two parents have a child, they have a God-given blood-bond with that kid from the day he\u2019s brought into the world. It affords you certain things with your relationship. You have, for example, automatic love from your kids. You have automatic grace and forgiveness. You get automatic respect with this attachment-bond. You get automatic affection with this attachment-bond. Now, a stepmother comes in and she doesn\u2019t get automatic anything. She has to earn every bit of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, May 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll talk today about how a stepmom can navigate the sometimes choppy waters she finds herself in. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, we get a lot of emails from listeners. One of the things I\u2019ve seen listeners say a lot, that has been encouraging is, \u201cWe appreciate the fact that you guys don\u2019t put a veneer on what\u2019s going on in families.\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cYou tell it like it is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We try to be authentic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, we do get some folks, who write from time to time, and say, \u201cIt sounds like it\u2019s just a \u2018Beaver Cleaver\u2019 perfect family when we listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m not sure what broadcast they\u2019re listening to because I\u2019ve shared enough of my mistakes on this broadcast that I don\u2019t think the Cleavers ever experienced. [Laughter] But we have a pair of people joining us on the broadcast today who know about a different type of family, other than the Cleavers. Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge join us <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Laura, Ron welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You guys collaborated to write a book on stepfamilies. You\u2019ve written a book called <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>. Ron, you\u2019ve been in this area\u2014ministering for, now, close to two decades\u2014had vital ministry\u2014counseling, writing, and training in churches across the country. Laura, you\u2019ve done a number of divorce workshops and have created material there. This issue is a relevant issue today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, you were telling me that there are over ten million stepmoms today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And that\u2019s a conservative estimate in the United States\u2014over ten million stepmoms. It actually could be quite a bit higher than that, but the census doesn\u2019t keep the kind of records that they used to. Stepmoms are very, very common, within the church and within the communities, in the United States.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And Laura, you are one of the ten million; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right, for more than 24 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Tell us a little bit of your story. How did you become a stepmom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, I went through a divorce in 1984\u2014went through a divorce. Then, a couple years later, I remarried. The man that I married had two children. They were 11 and 13, at the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Did you know what you were getting yourself into?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Absolutely not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You actually grew up in a home\u2014that you had two stepmoms, as a child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And as an adult, growing up; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. I\u2019ve had two stepmoms of my own. So I assumed\u2014I falsely assumed\u2014that that would prepare me for <em>being<\/em> a stepmom. That was wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What one word would you use to describe your stepmoms? Pick two words\u2014one for each\u2014just as stepmoms.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Oh, for my own stepmoms.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, from your own experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> The first stepmom\u2014I would say, \u201cjealous\u201d.\u00a0 The second stepmom\u2014I would say, \u201ccompassionate\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, you did have a little bit of a picture of what not to do and what to do when you became a stepmom. But you said you still weren\u2019t prepared for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, I knew some basic things\u2014like trying not to become their mother\u2014but I was older when my dad remarried the third time. My second stepmom\u2014his third marriage\u2014was a little different because I was an adult. So, I approached it a little differently. But, yes, my first stepmom\u2014I realized, as time went on, that she was just very jealous of him having two children, with a former marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron, is that the number one mistake stepmoms make\u2014assuming they can step in to be a mom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think so. We have, in our society and our culture, what we call the \u201cmotherhood mandate\u201d. That is simply the idea that women are the emotional connectors in the family. They\u2019re the ones who care-take. They\u2019re also the ones who connect, emotionally, with people in the family\u2014and kind of the centerpiece, if you will. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf a stepmother comes in and tries to take that center-place\u2014there\u2019s already a mother, even if she\u2019s deceased. There\u2019s already a mother. So, she may feel like the expectation of her is that she becomes the emotional connector. She may believe that that\u2019s really what she wants and also, by the way, that takes care of her because she moves from an outside role to an inside role, once she\u2019s emotionally-connected with everybody. But as she tries to move into that place and move mom out, that\u2019s a huge mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> A lot of resistance occurs there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely. It just emboldens the resistance, I think, within children, whether they be children or adults. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As I was reading through your book, I was struck by the quotes from stepmoms that you have in there. Every one of the quotes, it seems, drips with emotion\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014disappointment, discouragement, unmet expectations. This is really what you were attempting to do as you wrote this\u2014you wanted to come alongside stepmoms and help them understand what \u201cnormal\u201d is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right because stepmothers, typically, feel very lonely. They feel very isolated. They feel ostracized and <em>outside<\/em> of the family circle. They feel very rejected\u2014sometimes, even by their husband. What the goal is, particularly in the beginning of the book, is to show other stepmoms, \u201cWe understand your pain. These feelings are perfectly normal, and there is a way to overcome them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It seems like there almost ought to be a surgeon general\u2019s warning on the side of being a stepmom. Somebody, who is considering a blended marriage relationship\u2014whether they are bringing their own kids in or they\u2019re stepping into an existing family structure\u2014there almost ought to be a time-out to say, \u201cYou just need a real sober assessment of what you are about to do,\u201d because the dynamics here, Ron, are really significant; aren\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, really, what we are saying is: \u201cYou can be a great stepmother\u2014have a wonderful step-family relationship. It\u2019s something you grow into\u2014that the family will grow together, over time.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe just want to get your expectations set for that woman\u2014who is in the dating experience, looking down the road\u2014thinking about marrying a man who has children: \u201cWhat\u2019s my role? What\u2019s my place going to be?\u201d We want her expectations in the right place so she understands that there is a process here\u2014that she may not ever, in the children\u2019s heart, take on that mother- figure kind of role. She might, but she may not. Or, even more confusing, she might have that role with some of the children but not with all of the children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, just to understand that\u2014and to go in with her eyes open and her expectations, in the right place\u2014sets her up for greater success. Here\u2019s something I believe\u2014more stepmoms are successful than they know, but they are trying so hard and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, more than likely, their standards are so high.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. They\u2019re trying to fulfill that motherhood mandate. What we want them to know is there is just a different standard\u2014it is a different dynamic\u2014for a stepmother\u2019s relationship. Again, it can be great\u2014wonderful, even beyond your expectations\u2014but don\u2019t assume that you\u2019re going to become \u201cMom\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you said it\u2019s going to take time. Are you saying months, years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve talked on this program before about how it generally takes stepfamilies five to seven years to really kind of integrate\u2014to pull the family members in. I call it \u201ccooking\u201d. It takes a while to cook. \u201cHow long does it take a stepmother to really get into a place where she feels some peace and feels connected, emotionally, and knows what her role is?\u201d Well, that depends. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt depends on so many factors\u2014the age of the children, whether they\u2019re part-time or full-time children\u2014all kinds of things make a difference there. Again, what I would wish for stepmothers is that they would enjoy what they have <em>today<\/em> rather than living and longing for what they don\u2019t have today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, look at the glass and, \u201cIt\u2019s half-empty.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Go with what God has given you and grow with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Laura, as you started your journey, as a stepmom, undoubtedly\u2014well, you admit in your book\u2014you had high expectations, and you were instantly disappointed. How did it manifest itself with your husband\u2019s children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, I really think I was going to come in and be this wonderful Christian role model in their life, and influence them, and get them in church. I just had all these expectations of what a wonderful Christian example I was going to be for them. Then, when it gets down to the day-to-day stuff, it\u2019s just so different than what you think it\u2019s going to be. It\u2019s just so much <em>harder<\/em> than you think it\u2019s going to be. Stepmoms often feel guilty that they don\u2019t love their stepchildren as much as they either think they should or as much as they love their own children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I didn\u2019t have my own biological children\u2014so I didn\u2019t have that comparison\u2014but other stepmoms tell me all the time, \u201cI feel so guilty because I don\u2019t love his kids in exactly the same way that I love my own.\u201d I think that\u2019s one of the first things\u2014is to lower your expectations for the role that you are going to be or become in the lives of these children. That\u2019s what I had to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Take us to, early in your marriage, when you had to learn that. What was one of the first situations that occurred, at the grassroots level, in the mundane, everyday life\u2014that stepmoms face\u2014that you had to face?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, I had to realize certain things were not a hill to die on. For example, I was going to get us all eating really healthy and having these really healthy meals. Well, my stepkids weren\u2019t doing that in their other home\u2014in their biological home\u2014so, of course, when they came to my home, there\u2019s going to be resistance to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt wasn\u2019t my job to try to change that in their life. They have a mom; they have a dad. Those are the two people in their lives that should be seeing that they\u2019re eating healthy, or going to church, or any of those things. It wasn\u2019t my job. I had to learn to let go of the things that were not my job, as a stepmother, and to only focus on becoming as godly of an example, and influence and role model in their lives as they would <em>let<\/em> me become.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So take us to the dinner table\u2014you got kids who won\u2019t eat it\u2014pushing back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Do you engage your husband, at this point, and ask him to step in; or do you call a time-out\u2014step into another room\u2014and have a little caucus between husband and wife and say, \u201cHow are we going to handle this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, it has to become between the stepmom and her husband, \u201cHow important is this in our home, to you, as the dad?\u201d Then, depending on how important it is to him, that\u2019s how much further you can take it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Laura has just introduced one of the most foundational concepts to a successful stepmother; and that is, she works with her husband. What she\u2019s saying is, \u201cIt wasn\u2019t her job to get them eating right.\u201d Well, if her husband <em>wants<\/em> his kids eating right, she can partner with him; and she can make that happen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if the stepmother is trying to assert new rules\u2014new standards of conduct, new ways of behavior\u2014and none of the biological parents want that\u2014meaning, the biological mom in the other home or biological dad\u2014he didn\u2019t really care about that\u2014then, it\u2019s not going to happen. It\u2019s just going to create more conflict in this particular situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor her to go\u2014kind of behind closed doors, as you suggested\u2014and have that pow-wow with her husband and figure out what the standard is going to be\u2014and then, together, present that standard\u2014that position of unity is going to actually get things done. It\u2019s going to empower the stepmother to be able to follow through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, if he says, \u201cYou know, this healthy eating thing is really not that big of deal to me,\u201d I\u2019m thinking of you going, \u201cWell, it ought to be!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s what I did. That\u2019s what I did wrong. I would try to push the issues that I felt were important. Now, when you get into moral issues\u2014that\u2019s where it gets really, really difficult. I get emails from stepmoms constantly\u2014their issue isn\u2019t food\u2014they\u2019re not dealing with a food issue. They\u2019re dealing with something like the teenage son is looking at pornography, <em>or <\/em>the stepchild is coming into the home, calling her\u2014swearing at her\u2014calling her terrible names\u2014and she doesn\u2019t know how to respond to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let\u2019s take the teenage son, looking at pornography, and a stepmom\u2014what\u2019s she to do?\u00a0 At that point, it is a moral issue. You know what\u2019s best for him, at that point. Do we follow the same scenario of you and your husband getting off and caucusing again\u2014talking about it\u2014and what if he doesn\u2019t do anything any different\u2014doesn\u2019t think it\u2019s a big issue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let\u2019s take this in layers because it\u2019s an excellent question. Again, there is not one single answer. Let\u2019s remember that a stepmother\u2019s role is going to develop and change over time. If this is a stepmother, who has been in the life of this child for many years, and they have a good bond and relationship, and she feels like she has enough \u201cmoney in the bank\u201d, with this young man, she can address him directly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf, however, she\u2019s in the early years of this experience, and this young man really doesn\u2019t give a rip about her opinion about this, then she simply doesn\u2019t have the power. She wishes she had it, but she just doesn\u2019t with this young man. At that point, she really has to go to her husband. She really has to work with him. If he embraces this, and understands this is something that needs to be addressed, they can figure out a plan, as a team. If he doesn\u2019t\u2014if he doesn\u2019t think it\u2019s a big deal\u2014or if he says, \u201cYes, it\u2019s a big deal,\u201d but he won\u2019t follow through\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Or if he kind of dismisses it because he\u2019s got a problem with pornography\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, exactly. Again, she\u2019s in a very disempowered place. It\u2019s not hopeless; but the reality is, \u201cHow much influence does she have?\u201d She has to try to work with her influence where it is. In this scenario\u2014that we\u2019re talking about\u2014that would be through her husband; but if he\u2019s not willing to do it, then, she has to, I think, assert some boundaries. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think she could say things for her own personal space. There may be younger children in the home. She may have to say some things like: \u201cI\u2019m sorry. You\u2019re not going to be allowed to use the family computer.\u201d I guarantee it\u2019s going to create conflict and a battle in the home. Ultimately, what this comes down to is whether or not dad will deal with his son. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, I want to draw attention to something you said earlier because it was one of those \u201cah ha\u201d moments, for me, as you were talking about this. A stepmom feels like she ought to have a level of authority in the family structure because, after all, she\u2019s an adult and she\u2019s a mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And she\u2019s paying for a lot of stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, there\u2019s not just the authority\u2014but there\u2019s the heart of wanting to be a mother\u2014and, maybe, the dream has been realized.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you said that, rather than seeing her position as one of authority, she really needs to reframe it as one of influence and start to look at, \u201cHow can I be an influencer in the lives of these children, and even in my husband\u2019s life, if there are some of these issues that need to be worked out?\u201d Again, not from a position of: \u201cHere\u2019s how we\u2019re going to do it,\u201d but from a position of: \u201cHow can I help?\u201d and, \u201cHow can I influence, and change the climate, and adjust the thermostat around here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Essentially, the stepmother\u2019s role comes down to relationship. The more relationship she has, the more influence she has with the children. That will come with the passage of time, as they grow together, as a family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Say that again, Ron.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Essentially, step-parenting\u2014and for the stepmother\u2014it comes down to relationship with the children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The deeper the relationship\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u2014the more authority she has with the kids\u2014the more influence she has with the children. It\u2019s a matter of timing. Being an active, engaged\u2014what we might call an authoritative parent\u2014is a matter of timing for the stepmother. She has to earn the relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, here\u2019s one of the foundational issues we discussed in this book\u2014\u2014it\u2019s attachment. A lot of people just don\u2019t understand how attachment works. If two parents have a child, they have a God-given blood-bond with that kid, from the day he or she is brought into the world. It is an indescribable relationship with your children. It is the kind of thing that never goes away\u2014never passes away. It affords you certain things with your relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have, for example, what I like to call automatic love from your kids. You have automatic grace and forgiveness. Do you ever have to apologize to one of your children? I\u2019ve had to do that more often than I\u2019d like to admit. But you know what? They take me back. They don\u2019t even blink. They forgive, and they throw their arms around me, and we move on. You get automatic respect with this attachment-bond. You get automatic affection with this attachment-bond. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, stepmother comes in, and she doesn\u2019t get automatic anything. She has to earn every bit of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, she may get automatic\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> But it will be pushback or resentment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Or rejection.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Because she\u2019s \u201cthe new person on the block\u201d, at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, and she\u2019s often viewed as: \u201cA person I don\u2019t want in the circle. Dad and I were getting along perfectly fine before you entered the picture.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> You have, actually, become the stepmom. In their eyes\u2014in the children\u2019s eyes\u2014has come in between the relationship that the child had with the parent. So, she is not viewed as an ally. She is often viewed as the enemy\u2014and the person that, \u201cIt is my job, as the child, to get you out of this family.\u201d There is usually a mission, in the eyes of stepchildren, to get the stepmother out!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> How many kids have you ever run into that have said, \u201cYou know, someday, I hope I\u2019ll have a step-parent\u201d? It\u2019s just not part of the fantasy we have of life. By the way, that works the other side. How many women, do you know, that have ever said, \u201cSomeday, I hope to be a stepmother\u201d? It\u2019s not, necessarily, a role that is embraced and welcomed. What Laura is saying is that children don\u2019t have the same commitment to the success of the marriage, as the couple does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what you\u2019re acknowledging. The reason that kids don\u2019t say, \u201cI hope, someday, to have a stepmom,\u201d or a woman doesn\u2019t say, \u201cI hope to someday to be a stepmom,\u201d is because, when that happens, we have to admit something\u2019s broken. Now, the question is, \u201cWhat do we do with this broken thing\u2014to bring it to a place where God is glorified\u2014where we love one another, where we live according to biblical precepts\u2014in a broken structure?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, \u201cWe\u2019re getting along in our marriage so that our marriage can go the distance and outlive the child-rearing years.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to summarize with three quick points here: Number one\u2014lower your expectations. You heard that over, and over, and over again in here. You don\u2019t have the ideal situation. It is going to be less than ideal. Make the best of it. Learn how to apply lots of forgiveness. Secondly, heighten the relationship\u2014just like you talked about. Influence comes as a result of your hearts being knit to one another. Third, communicate, communicate, and communicate. Talk to your spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a dad, and you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019re married to a woman who is the stepmom of your children, understand that she needs your ear and your heart. She needs to know you\u2019re on her team and on her side\u2014that you\u2019re not sparring with her. I can really see, Bob, in a situation like this, how a husband and a wife can end up in opposite corners of a boxing ring\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014kind of, the bell starts at the beginning of the day. It\u2019s one issue\u2014all-day long, after another\u2014that pits them against one another. They need help, and they need some hope, and some encouragement in the process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t know how many married couples I\u2019ve talked to\u2014who are in second or third marriages, in a stepfamily setting\u2014and I\u2019ve had to pull them back to the idea that the relationship they\u2019re in\u2014the marriage relationship\u2014has to be the primary relationship. It\u2019s got to supersede the parent-child relationship. If that\u2019s not what is in place, you\u2019re never going to have the kind of healthy stepfamily relationship that you want to have and that God wants you to have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got a number of Ron Deal\u2019s resources, here at FamilyLife, available to help you in a stepfamily situation. In fact, if you go to FamilyLifeToday.com, there\u2019s a link there to all of the resources that Ron has put together to help stepfamilies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to mention that today and tomorrow, the book we\u2019ve talked about today, <em>The Smart Stepmom, <\/em>is available at a discounted price. We\u2019re having an online Mother\u2019s Day sale, and we\u2019ve got some special items that we\u2019ve marked down for a couple of days. <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> is one of those items. So, if you\u2019d like to save a little money, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and get the information about the Mother\u2019s Day sale. Order a copy of Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal\u2019s book,<em> The Smart Stepmom<\/em>. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order at 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d: 1-800-358-6329. Ask about the book, <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>; or if you have questions about other resources for stepfamilies, just give us a call or go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we\u2019ve started hearing from some of our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners. We just want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who\u2019ve already gotten in touch with us in response to the matching fund that is happening here, during the month of May, on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> We had some friends of the ministry who got together and said, \u201cYou know, summertime is a tough season for ministries like <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u201d They wanted to make sure that, as we head into the summer months, we\u2019ve been able to set aside some money so that\u2014if donations drop in the summer, as they often do\u2014we\u2019ll have a little surplus that we can draw from. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese friends provided us with a matching-gift fund. They agreed that they would match every donation, during the month of May, up to a total of $576,000. We said, \u201cThat\u2019s great!\u201d But then, we realized, \u201cWe\u2019re going to need listeners who will donate so that we can access those matching funds.\u201d That\u2019s what we\u2019re asking you\u2014if you\u2019ll consider doing\u2014if you will go to FamilyLifeToday.com, make an online donation of whatever you can do\u2014$20, $30, $40, or $50\u2014that donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, from the matching-gift fund. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone. Again, we appreciate your support. Your donation will be matched, dollar for dollar, as well. You\u2019ll help us be ready to face June, July, and August. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do. We appreciate your support. Again, donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the \u201cI CARE\u201d button when you go online; or donate by calling 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about some of the emotions that a stepmom experiences\u2014the emotions of fear and loneliness\u2014feeling like you\u2019re out of control\u2014like there are people, who want to hurt you, are now a part of your family. We\u2019ll talk about that tomorrow with Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal. I hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302728","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302728"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302728"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302728"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302728"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302728"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302728"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302728"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}