{"id":302727,"date":"2013-05-01T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-05-01T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/opening-the-gates\/"},"modified":"2013-05-01T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-05-01T15:00:00","slug":"opening-the-gates","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/opening-the-gates\/","title":{"rendered":"Opening the Gates"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Susan encourages moms to gauge a child\u2019s maturity before giving them free reign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-01.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.82M","filesize_raw":"23931092","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2838],"tags":[4881,5274,5048],"podcast_series":[7942],"cwp_profile":[3205],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302727","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mothers","tag-being-a-mom","tag-mom-of-a-teen","tag-motherhood","podcast_series-the-passionate-mom","cwp_profile-susan-merrill","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302727\/opening-the-gates","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302727\/opening-the-gates","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"l4FXkcJ118\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/opening-the-gates\/\">Opening the Gates<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/opening-the-gates\/embed\/#?secret=l4FXkcJ118\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Opening the Gates&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"l4FXkcJ118\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-01.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-01.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As a mom, Susan Merrill is concerned about how technology is affecting our children and their relationships with other children. Here\u2019s just one example of what worries her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> What I really get concerned about\u2014as we age-down in social media and in having the world in your hand\u2014and that\u2019s what a smartphone is\u2014you have the world in the palm of your hand\u2014is particularly, with girls. I see them becoming very addicted to the drama. They can self-promote at any time on Instagram. They\u2019re always\u2014every time they are with a friend, they are taking 50 million poses and pictures. They are almost more caught up in posing for social media than actually having fun together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, May 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll talk with Susan Merrill today about what moms can do to help their kids adjust to a brave, new world. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, years ago, I heard a study that had said kids today are asking two questions. They are asking the question: \u201cCan I do whatever I want?\u201d and, \u201cDo you really love me?\u201d How a parent answers those questions kind of determines what kind of parent you are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you say, \u201cYes, I love you; and you can probably get away with more stuff than you should,\u201d then, you are a permissive parent. If you say, \u201cNo, you absolutely can\u2019t do whatever you want, and you are going to wonder if I really love you sometimes,\u201d then, you are an authoritarian, as a parent. So, which were you\u2014permissive or authoritarian? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, if you had to pick one or the other, I was more of an authoritarian parent. I was in there, being more objective, helping to draw the lines. I think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Was Barbara a little squishier than you were? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, I think she just got worn-down. I think, you know, the kids all team-up; and it\u2019s six-on-one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> See, I was more permissive. The reason I bring this up is because we\u2019re going to talk today about what permissive parents, like me, need to understand\u2014which is the need to have appropriate boundaries and enforce the borders\u2014keep the gates secure; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No doubt about it. And our guest on today\u2019s program\u2014well, I want to ask her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She\u2019s a border guard. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to see what\u2014on what side she really erred on. Susan Merrill joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Susan, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Thank you for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> She is a mom of five. She is married to Mark Merrill\u2014has been for 24 years. He heads up Family First<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> out of Tampa, Florida; and she gives leadership to iMOM.com<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and has written a book called <em>The Passionate Mom<\/em>. <br><br>So, back to Bob\u2019s question, \u201cWhich are you\u2014more authoritarian\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: Do you lay down the law, or are you squishy? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cor permissive?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> I can\u2019t answer that. Okay; so, I\u2019m kind of fun-loving. So, in some things, I probably was too permissive; and then, in other things, I was more authoritarian. So, I\u2019m split. How\u2019s that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you know what things you got squishy on and what things you kept the boundary secure on? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, so, I am an outgoing, fun-loving person. So, when my kids wanted to do fun things that I thought: \u201cOh, that\u2019s so fun! That\u2019ll be such a great memory,\u201d I probably gave in more there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> On things\u2014matters of principle or biblical correctness\u2014I was more authoritarian. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> For instance, we talked about the gates. People say, \u201cWell\u201d\u2014think more about the gates as privileges we let our kids do as older\u2014things like cell phones\u2014but to me, it starts very early, like even choices. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, they are going to the zoo. Mom says, \u201cPut on your sneakers.\u201d The child is five and says, \u201cI want to wear my sparkle shoes.\u201d They\u2019re in a rush to get out the door. The mom will say: \u201cNo, we\u2019re going to be walking all day. You really need to wear your sneakers.\u201d And the child says: \u201cNo! My sparkle shoes are comfortable. I want to wear my sparkle shoes.\u201d The mother doesn\u2019t want to battle. She wants to get out the door; and so, she lets the child have her way\u2014small thing, at that age. The child is either going to learn and get blisters that sparkle shoes aren\u2019t the thing to wear, or she\u2019s not. Then, in her mind, there is just that little check: \u201cI won that battle. I really know what\u2019s okay for me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, fast-forward ten years, that child\u2019s been winning those battles. She comes downstairs, inappropriately dressed. Dad looks up and says, \u201cYou\u2019re not going out like that.\u201d And Mom says, \u201cOh, Honey, maybe you should change your top.\u201d The child says: \u201cWho are you to tell me what to wear? I\u2019ve been deciding since I was five.\u201d So, that\u2019s a gate\u2014a choice gate. What to wear, for girls, is a biggie now because what looks appropriate on a five-year-old doesn\u2019t necessarily look appropriate on a fifteen-year-old. And so, in those areas, I was more authoritarian. I think moms have to think about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You say\u2014with choice gates like this\u2014once a mom says, \u201cThis is how it\u2019s going to be,\u201d she better not back down from that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m not saying she doesn\u2019t have to necessarily back down; but it\u2019s a process. For instance, the child needs to <em>show<\/em> that they are ready. I had one daughter who really likes fashion. Yet, she wanted to wear what all the other girls were wearing, but they didn\u2019t look appropriate on her. Moms need to know, \u201cYou don\u2019t know how developed your daughter is going to be at five.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> So, it may look appropriate at five; but if she wants to wear it at fifteen, it\u2019s not going to be appropriate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right, but if you let her wear it at five\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> What are you going to say then? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> So, you really want to keep that gate closed as long as you can until the child starts showing that she can make wise decisions, and they start to understand. You know? \u201cYes, maybe that girl can wear that and it looks okay on her; but, I can\u2019t wear that;\u201d or, \u201cMaybe, that girl wears that because she doesn\u2019t care what other people think about her when she wears that; but I know what a boy or somebody will be thinking about me if I dress like that. So, I\u2019m not going to dress that way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, friends, I think, are an early gate that gets opened. Child says, \u201cI want to have somebody over to play\u2014Ben\u2014over to play.\u201d You say, \u201cWell, Honey, you shouldn\u2019t have Ben. You got in trouble at school; and last time he was over, you guys didn\u2019t play well. Let\u2019s have Carl.\u201d \u201cYou just don\u2019t like Ben!\u201d Well, in that moment, the child is using what he knows about the mother\u2014that she\u2019s going to feel guilty. Then, she says: \u201cOkay. Okay. You can have Ben,\u201d because she doesn\u2019t want to be politically incorrect or say something bad about somebody else. But then, that child knows, \u201cWell, I really can pick my friends and I know and it\u2019s okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead of the mother sitting down, and talking, and saying: \u201cYou know what, Honey, it wasn\u2019t wise what you did at school. I don\u2019t think you have the opportunity here to be a leader with Ben or a follower. I don\u2019t know who is leading whom, at this point; but the mix of you is not a good thing. So, we\u2019re just going to cool it on that relationship for a little while until you show me that you can be a positive enough leader for Ben\u2014that you guys are going to make the right choices.\u201d That works into, then, older relationships, ten years forward. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I really like what you said about friends\u2014you were all over it, as a mom. You\u2019re finishing up the process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019re about to be an empty-nester; but as you raised your children, you knew who your children\u2019s friends were\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014the kind of homes they came from, and to some degree, what they believed, and kind of what they stood for because you knew the principle from First Corinthians, Chapter 15:33, which says, \u201cBad company corrupts good morals.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: But here\u2019s the question because I see this all the time. So, you find out that your kids are hanging around with three or four other kids. You go, \u201cBoy, I\u2019m not so sure about those kids,\u201d but they\u2019re in junior high. Do you step in and say, \u201cYou\u2019re not going to hang around with those kids\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, here\u2019s my example of that\u2014and I have to say, \u201cGod gave me this so I would have confidence with my other children.\u201d I think our kids really want those boundaries. This played out with my oldest in a way. She came home from school. She was invited to her first boy\/girl party\u2014\u2014she\u2019s in junior high. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> And it happened to be in a home where I knew enough about the family that I was afraid they wouldn\u2019t be watched. The whole grade was invited. I said, \u201cWell, I\u2019ll have to talk to Daddy.\u201d And so, finally, Mark and I sat down. I said, \u201cWe\u2019re not going to let her go; right?\u201d He said, \u201cNo. We\u2019re not going to let her go. We just have to tell her.\u201d So, we sat down with her. We told her: \u201cHoney, you know what? We\u2019re going to give you the opportunity to do something else. You can invite Elizabeth over\u201d\u2014Elizabeth\u2014outside the school\u2014so, she wasn\u2019t invited. \u201cWe\u2019re going to let you have her spend the night. Mommy\u2019s going to do something fun with you, but you may not go to the party.\u201d She was relieved. You should have seen her face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, progression\u2014so, we have Elizabeth over. They have a fun, little time. We make it a special little play date. I\u2019m tucking them both in bed. Elizabeth was spending the night.\u00a0 Megan looked up to me; and she said, \u201cI bet they\u2019re all still there, and they\u2019re having so much fun.\u201d This is what I said, and it played out so beautifully. I said: \u201cHoney, you know what? They\u2019re probably playing spin the bottle. That means that you\u2019d probably end up kissing that boy you sit next to in math. [Laughter] I know you like him as a friend, but do you really want to go to school on Monday and know that you\u2019ve kissed him?\u201d Well, she and Elizabeth\u2019s faces were just horrified. They went to bed happy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, wanting to go\u2014happy not to go\u2014wishing she was there\u2014happy she\u2019s not there. She came home from school. She looked at me and said, \u201cHow did you know they were going to play spin the bottle?\u201d She said: \u201cI\u2019m so glad I wasn\u2019t there. If I had had to kiss those boys in my class and sit next to them, I\u2019d die of embarrassment.\u201d So, that, again, was a gift to me from the Lord. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> My kids really wanted boundaries. They were enticed to go to these things\u2014mostly out of peer pressure\u2014but they really, in their hearts, wanted to be protected from them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you played it shrewdly. It wasn\u2019t just a, \u201cNo, you can\u2019t go,\u201d but you designed an alternative that was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014an attractive alternative. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Listen, we have created diversions. There have been times when I have literally called my mother-in-law and said: \u201cYou\u2019re coming up this weekend; right? Didn\u2019t you want to come visit?\u201d She\u2019d go, \u201cAh, do I need to come to visit?\u201d \u201cYes, we need a diversion.\u201d We would call it a family weekend\u2014\u201cSorry, you can\u2019t go!\u201d I\u2019m okay with creating diversions for my kids. That\u2019s the permissive side of me that doesn\u2019t want to say, \u201cNo,\u201d but really knows they shouldn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s being a wise mom, at that point. I really do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And what I want our moms to hear\u2014and what you just said\u2014is that it\u2019s not just your kids who want boundaries. Even the son or daughter, who pushes back on your boundaries\u2014doesn\u2019t mean he or she doesn\u2019t <em>want<\/em> the boundary. You may give them a boundary\u2014and they are really grateful, and they do long for the protection\u2014but they are going to push back because that\u2019s a part of growing up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I tell my favorite boundary story here, as a dad. I think it was ninth grade that our son, James, was home on a Friday night. He was not feeling well. He\u2019d just had kind of been puny. He was playing Madden Football on the computer and gets a phone call from a friend. They say: \u201cHey, we\u2019re going to go see <em>Master and Commander<\/em> at the movie. It\u2019s at 9:45 tonight.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, my son comes to me. He goes, \u201cDad, can I go?\u201d I said, \u201cYou\u2019re not feeling well.\u201d He said: \u201cI\u2019ll just be sitting in a theater! It\u2019s not like it would\u2014you can feel bad in a theater as well as at home.\u201d I said: \u201cNo, it\u2019s a <em>long<\/em> movie. It would be after midnight before you\u2019d even get out of the movie. That\u2019s past your curfew.\u201d \u201cDad! It\u2019s just one time and I\u201d\u2014so, I\u2019m getting the pushback. \u201cNo, no, you\u2019re not going to go.\u201d \u201cDad!\u201d\u2014he was really disappointed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I went to bed at 11 o\u2019clock that night. He was still up, playing computer games. About 30 minutes later, he came in. I think he had just thrown up. He came and he said, [in a mournful voice] \u201cYou were right.\u201d [Laughter] And I wanted to get a tape recorder. I wanted to grab a tape recorder and say, \u201cWould you say that one more time\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cright here into the tape recorder.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And sign this affidavit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I know you\u2019ve got a bunch of these gates in your book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want you to just quickly give us the essence of the wisdom you gained as you\u2019ve raised five, through adolescence, in each of these areas. So, the first one I\u2019ll hit you with is the free-time gate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, different children all want to spend their time differently. When they are little, free-time is such a positive. You want them to build blocks and play with toys; but as they get older, unfortunately, some of those free-time hours want to be spent doing technical things, or the cell phones, the video games\u2014and putting boundaries on where they do it\u2014watching what is their leaning. For girls, sometimes\u2014it could be more toward gossip and other girls, and the drama. Just watch. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIs it technology? I have one boy\u2014it\u2019s technology. One boy\u2014it\u2019s sports. And I have one girl\u2014that it\u2019s fashion\u2014and one girl, it\u2019s other things\u2014I could go on and on. But you\u2019ve got to watch their leaning by what they tend to choose, when they\u2019re younger, when they start aging-out of toys. And then, you want to make sure you have parameters around those so they don\u2019t become obsessive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s talk about computer games. You mentioned that briefly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Before you talk about computer games\u2014just because I think what you said is really important\u2014nothing wrong with sports. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Nothing wrong with playing a video game. It\u2019s the obsessive issue, and kids in middle school can become obsessive about almost anything. That\u2019s what you\u2019re trying to draw some boundaries around\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the obsessive nature of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> And it\u2019s perceiving and pondering before that, \u201cWhat is that leaning?\u201d And then, explain to them why. They need to know that you\u2019re not just trying to limit them, but you want them to be balanced. You want them to have self-control: \u201cYou can play that without my boundaries if you can be self-controlled about it yourself. If I walk into the room for the eighth time and say, \u2018Why didn\u2019t you turn that off?\u2019, that\u2019s a red flag to me that you don\u2019t have the self-control.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, now to Dennis\u2019s question about video games\u2014about time, online\u2014even TV, which was big deal\u2014it\u2019s a less of a deal for kids today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. It\u2019s screen time. We call it screen time now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly. Yes. So, how did you put boundaries around them? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, I was authoritarian in this area. We didn\u2019t watch TV during the week. There was no screen time during the week. And because it\u2019s God, family, job\u2014which I considered school their job\u2014and then friends and social stuff. So, there really was no time during the week for TV at all. So, we just had it on the weekend. On the weekends, they are busy. Again, they have more stuff to do. We didn\u2019t have a lot of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tVideo games\u2014there were times when I just said, \u201cYou\u2019re sneaking this.\u201d If it gets to a point where they are sneaking it, I just put it in the attic, and put it away, and say: \u201cIt\u2019s not a consequence. We\u2019re not ready for this privilege.\u201d Now, that hurts the other kids. So, there has to be some play there; but there have been times when I literally just remove it from the house because I don\u2019t want to fight about this: \u201cIf this is that important to you that you can\u2019t control yourself, we\u2019re just going to close the gate. When I think you\u2019re ready for opening it, maybe you\u2019ll get it for a Christmas present.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, and you have raised your kids through the emergence of the cell phone phenomenon. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan<\/strong>: Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, when your oldest was ten or twelve, you were probably thinking, \u201cThere\u2019s no way you get a cell phone at twelve.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When the youngest came along; was it different? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> It\u2019s different. I\u2019ll tell you what I really get concerned about, as we age-down in social media, and in having the world in your hand\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> \u2014and that\u2019s what a smartphone is. You have the world in the palm of your hand\u2014it\u2019s particularly, with girls. I see them becoming very addicted to the drama. They can self-promote at any time on Instagram. They\u2019re always\u2014every time they are with a friend, they are taking 50 million poses and pictures. They are almost more caught up in posing for social media than actually having fun together. So, I\u2019m really concerned for the girls on that side. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor the boys, I think pornography is a whole issue\u2014that in ten years, we\u2019re going to really find is ruining marriages at a level we\u2019ve never seen before. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, how would you gauge it today? If you have a 12-year-old, do they get a cell phone? <br><br><strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, there was a gap. When my kids got cell phones, there weren\u2019t a lot of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The smartphone stuff wasn\u2019t there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, also\u2014but there weren\u2019t any protective things on there. You couldn\u2019t put anything on there. Now, there are some really amazing apps that will even tell you how fast your child is driving. So, I think you, again, open the gate by saying: \u201cYou know what? I can see where maybe going into high school\u2014you\u2019ve got a lot of sports\u2014having a phone is going to be a good thing for me. So, we\u2019re going to do a test.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA teacher gives quizzes to see if they are ready for the test. I think parents need to look at: \u201cOkay, this is a quiz. I\u2019m going to give you this phone. I only want you to use it in these ways. Then, we\u2019re going to review it, at the end of the month, and see what happened.\u201d So, if you give them 600 minutes; and you want to start them really small and say, \u201cThis is 20 minutes a day\u201d\u2014whatever\u2014then, at the end of the month, you look. They either passed the quiz, or they didn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>If they passed the quiz, they might be ready for another privilege on the phone; but it is this constant\u2014them having to earn the right to have more instead of handing them a smartphone with texting and internet, all in one day, and, \u201cMerry Christmas. You get the whole\u2026\u201d They\u2019re not ready for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The essence of what you\u2019re doing, as you talk about these gates, is you\u2019re giving your child an opportunity to go out into adult practices\u2014like a phone, like driving, like dating, like social media\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oh, dating. I want to hear about dating. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Oh, gosh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How did you do dating? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. Let\u2019s talk about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about dating. Not my favorite, at all! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, how did you come down on this\u2014the Gestapo mom? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter] Well, fortunately, my husband\u2014we had girls first. So, Mark was the heavy with the girls\u2014definitely. Our boys are just getting to that point. But he made the rule that he had to meet them. They had to have them over to the house. He traumatized my first daughter <em>so much<\/em> about it that the rumor got out about the trick he played in their high school. They, to this day, say, \u201cWe didn\u2019t have many dates because everybody heard about what Daddy did.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait. What\u2019s the trick?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What\u2019s the trick? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> She had been asked by a friend of ours\u2014a family friend of ours\u2019 son\u2014to homecoming. She was put on the spot when she was asked. So, she just said, \u201cYes!\u201d without telling us because it was the first time she\u2019d ever been asked anything. He asked her at a football game, in front of all her friends. Then, she knew he was going to have to be met. So, she\u2019s very nervous. This is my Type A\u2014little, nervous Nelly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we know these people. So, we played a trick on her because she was so totally nervous that we thought we\u2019d have fun with it. The dad brought the son over. She arranged for this meeting when she was at a swim meet\u2014she\u2019s a swimmer\u2014because she didn\u2019t want to be there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> She\u2019s so embarrassed. So, after the whole interview\u2014 Mark does a great job. He says to the guys, \u201cWhat would you do if I gave you a million dollars?\u201d\u2014he got this from Joe White at Kanakuk. \u201cWhat would you\u2014\u201d and the guy always says different things\u2014like, \u201cBe careful with it.\u201d \u201cWell, this is my daughter; and she\u2019s worth more than a million dollars. So, I want you to know, if you run into any problems, you call me. I will do anything to get you out of any situation. She\u2019s that valuable to me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, he did the whole thing. Well, we planted the Bible\u2014open, on the coffee table. He put a baseball bat in the corner. Then, he had the other kids at our house tell Megan, when she got home, that he was standing there, holding the baseball bat, preaching to this poor boy for an hour. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, Megan totally believed it! She really thought that this was what it was going to be. Up until the homecoming date, she was believing\u2014just mortified about this. Of course, then, she wouldn\u2019t believe that we really didn\u2019t do this; but the guy played along with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I tell you what\u2014that is a great message to send throughout the school, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. It worked! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When the word gets out, it will eliminate a lot of the undesirables, which helps in opening the gate because, at that point, only the right guys are going to show up to the gate\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014to take your daughter\u2019s hand to take them out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I can show you Dennis\u2019s baseball bat\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Oh, good. I\u2019m sure he has one, too. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because he\u2019s got one. When he wrote the book, <em>Interviewing Your Daughter\u2019s Date<\/em>, there\u2019s a picture of bat on the book; isn\u2019t there? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is. There is, and the bat is called \u201cThe Respect-her\u201d. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Oh, I like that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cThe Respect-her\u201d. It\u2019s actually laser-engraved. I wish I\u2019d had all the guys I interviewed sign it. The last half dozen guys signed it, including a young man who came over to our house who said: \u201cMr. Rainey, I don\u2019t want to date any of your daughters. I just want to be interviewed.\u201d <br><br><strong>Susan:<\/strong> That\u2019s awesome. Wow. There you go! I have to say, with that, there comes a certain respect that you get of the kind of kids\u2014and all the kids that my girls ever had a relationship with became friends with the family. We had them over, and that was the other thing: \u201cYou have to do things with us.\u201d We invited them, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re kidding about the baseball bat. I didn\u2019t use it to preach and hold it in one hand and the Bible in the other. It was really more symbolic for my daughters to know\u2014\u201cYou know what? As a daddy, I\u2019m here to protect you.\u201d And that\u2019s really what you\u2019re calling moms to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019re calling moms to be passionate about motherhood and about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> To be border guards is what you\u2019re talking about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Keep the gates protected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And we sure appreciate you, Susan, and also your husband, Mark, and how you guys are champions\u2014not only for your own marriage and family\u2014but also for tens of thousands of others across the country. Thanks for your leadership\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and encouraging moms today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, we love those moms and dads. We love their kids; and we want them to be like you said, \u201cThose warriors.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think anybody who reads your book is going to see how much you love those moms because the book is called <em>The Passionate Mom<\/em>. It really reflects your heart for being a mom yourself and for equipping other moms to do this important work of raising the next generation. We\u2019ve got copies of Susan Merrill\u2019s book, <em>The Passionate Mom<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to request a copy of the book; or call us, toll-free, at 1-800-FL-TODAY. That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d. Or again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order from us online or order by phone; and we\u2019ll get the book out to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, as we begin the month of May, we\u2019ve had this happen for a couple of years now. We\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry\u2014who have come to us\u2014and they are aware of the fact that, during the summer, ministries like ours often experience a falloff in financial support. Listeners, for whatever reason, don\u2019t call or write as often\u2014don\u2019t go online and make an online donation as often as they do in other times of the year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, our friends came to us and said, \u201cWe want to help you be prepared for those slower summer months.\u201d And the way that they offered to do that was by providing us with a matching fund for the month of May. Every donation we receive between now and the end of the month\u2014 they are going to match that donation, on a dollar-for-dollar basis, up to a total of $576,000. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that will go a long way to helping us get through the summer months; but we only get those funds if folks, like you, will call and help us take advantage of that matching gift. So, we\u2019re asking you to go online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d. You can make an online donation; and every dollar you donate is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, through the matching fund. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY, and make your donation over the phone. Again, your donation will be matched, as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>We just want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do. And please pray for us that we would receive enough funds to be able to take full advantage of this matching-gift opportunity. That will go a long way to helping us get through the summer months, here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. Joni and Ken Tada are going to be here. Some of you know Joni Eareckson Tada. She was paralyzed at the age of 17 in a diving accident in the Chesapeake Bay in New England. She has lived for the last four decades as a quadriplegic. She and her husband Ken are going to share the story of their marriage tomorrow\u2014more than 30 years of marriage. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. 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encourages moms to gauge a child\u2019s maturity before giving them free reign.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-05-01.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As a mom, Susan Merrill is concerned about how technology is affecting our children and their relationships with other children. Here\u2019s just one example of what worries her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> What I really get concerned about\u2014as we age-down in social media and in having the world in your hand\u2014and that\u2019s what a smartphone is\u2014you have the world in the palm of your hand\u2014is particularly, with girls. I see them becoming very addicted to the drama. They can self-promote at any time on Instagram. They\u2019re always\u2014every time they are with a friend, they are taking 50 million poses and pictures. They are almost more caught up in posing for social media than actually having fun together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, May 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll talk with Susan Merrill today about what moms can do to help their kids adjust to a brave, new world. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, years ago, I heard a study that had said kids today are asking two questions. They are asking the question: \u201cCan I do whatever I want?\u201d and, \u201cDo you really love me?\u201d How a parent answers those questions kind of determines what kind of parent you are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you say, \u201cYes, I love you; and you can probably get away with more stuff than you should,\u201d then, you are a permissive parent. If you say, \u201cNo, you absolutely can\u2019t do whatever you want, and you are going to wonder if I really love you sometimes,\u201d then, you are an authoritarian, as a parent. So, which were you\u2014permissive or authoritarian? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, if you had to pick one or the other, I was more of an authoritarian parent. I was in there, being more objective, helping to draw the lines. I think\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Was Barbara a little squishier than you were? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, I think she just got worn-down. I think, you know, the kids all team-up; and it\u2019s six-on-one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> See, I was more permissive. The reason I bring this up is because we\u2019re going to talk today about what permissive parents, like me, need to understand\u2014which is the need to have appropriate boundaries and enforce the borders\u2014keep the gates secure; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No doubt about it. And our guest on today\u2019s program\u2014well, I want to ask her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She\u2019s a border guard. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to see what\u2014on what side she really erred on. Susan Merrill joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Susan, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Thank you for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> She is a mom of five. She is married to Mark Merrill\u2014has been for 24 years. He heads up Family First<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> out of Tampa, Florida; and she gives leadership to iMOM.com<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and has written a book called <em>The Passionate Mom<\/em>. <br><br>So, back to Bob\u2019s question, \u201cWhich are you\u2014more authoritarian\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: Do you lay down the law, or are you squishy? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cor permissive?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> I can\u2019t answer that. Okay; so, I\u2019m kind of fun-loving. So, in some things, I probably was too permissive; and then, in other things, I was more authoritarian. So, I\u2019m split. How\u2019s that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you know what things you got squishy on and what things you kept the boundary secure on? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, so, I am an outgoing, fun-loving person. So, when my kids wanted to do fun things that I thought: \u201cOh, that\u2019s so fun! That\u2019ll be such a great memory,\u201d I probably gave in more there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> On things\u2014matters of principle or biblical correctness\u2014I was more authoritarian. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> For instance, we talked about the gates. People say, \u201cWell\u201d\u2014think more about the gates as privileges we let our kids do as older\u2014things like cell phones\u2014but to me, it starts very early, like even choices. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, they are going to the zoo. Mom says, \u201cPut on your sneakers.\u201d The child is five and says, \u201cI want to wear my sparkle shoes.\u201d They\u2019re in a rush to get out the door. The mom will say: \u201cNo, we\u2019re going to be walking all day. You really need to wear your sneakers.\u201d And the child says: \u201cNo! My sparkle shoes are comfortable. I want to wear my sparkle shoes.\u201d The mother doesn\u2019t want to battle. She wants to get out the door; and so, she lets the child have her way\u2014small thing, at that age. The child is either going to learn and get blisters that sparkle shoes aren\u2019t the thing to wear, or she\u2019s not. Then, in her mind, there is just that little check: \u201cI won that battle. I really know what\u2019s okay for me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, fast-forward ten years, that child\u2019s been winning those battles. She comes downstairs, inappropriately dressed. Dad looks up and says, \u201cYou\u2019re not going out like that.\u201d And Mom says, \u201cOh, Honey, maybe you should change your top.\u201d The child says: \u201cWho are you to tell me what to wear? I\u2019ve been deciding since I was five.\u201d So, that\u2019s a gate\u2014a choice gate. What to wear, for girls, is a biggie now because what looks appropriate on a five-year-old doesn\u2019t necessarily look appropriate on a fifteen-year-old. And so, in those areas, I was more authoritarian. I think moms have to think about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You say\u2014with choice gates like this\u2014once a mom says, \u201cThis is how it\u2019s going to be,\u201d she better not back down from that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019m not saying she doesn\u2019t have to necessarily back down; but it\u2019s a process. For instance, the child needs to <em>show<\/em> that they are ready. I had one daughter who really likes fashion. Yet, she wanted to wear what all the other girls were wearing, but they didn\u2019t look appropriate on her. Moms need to know, \u201cYou don\u2019t know how developed your daughter is going to be at five.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> So, it may look appropriate at five; but if she wants to wear it at fifteen, it\u2019s not going to be appropriate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right, but if you let her wear it at five\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> What are you going to say then? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> So, you really want to keep that gate closed as long as you can until the child starts showing that she can make wise decisions, and they start to understand. You know? \u201cYes, maybe that girl can wear that and it looks okay on her; but, I can\u2019t wear that;\u201d or, \u201cMaybe, that girl wears that because she doesn\u2019t care what other people think about her when she wears that; but I know what a boy or somebody will be thinking about me if I dress like that. So, I\u2019m not going to dress that way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, friends, I think, are an early gate that gets opened. Child says, \u201cI want to have somebody over to play\u2014Ben\u2014over to play.\u201d You say, \u201cWell, Honey, you shouldn\u2019t have Ben. You got in trouble at school; and last time he was over, you guys didn\u2019t play well. Let\u2019s have Carl.\u201d \u201cYou just don\u2019t like Ben!\u201d Well, in that moment, the child is using what he knows about the mother\u2014that she\u2019s going to feel guilty. Then, she says: \u201cOkay. Okay. You can have Ben,\u201d because she doesn\u2019t want to be politically incorrect or say something bad about somebody else. But then, that child knows, \u201cWell, I really can pick my friends and I know and it\u2019s okay.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead of the mother sitting down, and talking, and saying: \u201cYou know what, Honey, it wasn\u2019t wise what you did at school. I don\u2019t think you have the opportunity here to be a leader with Ben or a follower. I don\u2019t know who is leading whom, at this point; but the mix of you is not a good thing. So, we\u2019re just going to cool it on that relationship for a little while until you show me that you can be a positive enough leader for Ben\u2014that you guys are going to make the right choices.\u201d That works into, then, older relationships, ten years forward. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I really like what you said about friends\u2014you were all over it, as a mom. You\u2019re finishing up the process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019re about to be an empty-nester; but as you raised your children, you knew who your children\u2019s friends were\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014the kind of homes they came from, and to some degree, what they believed, and kind of what they stood for because you knew the principle from First Corinthians, Chapter 15:33, which says, \u201cBad company corrupts good morals.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: But here\u2019s the question because I see this all the time. So, you find out that your kids are hanging around with three or four other kids. You go, \u201cBoy, I\u2019m not so sure about those kids,\u201d but they\u2019re in junior high. Do you step in and say, \u201cYou\u2019re not going to hang around with those kids\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, here\u2019s my example of that\u2014and I have to say, \u201cGod gave me this so I would have confidence with my other children.\u201d I think our kids really want those boundaries. This played out with my oldest in a way. She came home from school. She was invited to her first boy\/girl party\u2014\u2014she\u2019s in junior high. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> And it happened to be in a home where I knew enough about the family that I was afraid they wouldn\u2019t be watched. The whole grade was invited. I said, \u201cWell, I\u2019ll have to talk to Daddy.\u201d And so, finally, Mark and I sat down. I said, \u201cWe\u2019re not going to let her go; right?\u201d He said, \u201cNo. We\u2019re not going to let her go. We just have to tell her.\u201d So, we sat down with her. We told her: \u201cHoney, you know what? We\u2019re going to give you the opportunity to do something else. You can invite Elizabeth over\u201d\u2014Elizabeth\u2014outside the school\u2014so, she wasn\u2019t invited. \u201cWe\u2019re going to let you have her spend the night. Mommy\u2019s going to do something fun with you, but you may not go to the party.\u201d She was relieved. You should have seen her face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, progression\u2014so, we have Elizabeth over. They have a fun, little time. We make it a special little play date. I\u2019m tucking them both in bed. Elizabeth was spending the night.\u00a0 Megan looked up to me; and she said, \u201cI bet they\u2019re all still there, and they\u2019re having so much fun.\u201d This is what I said, and it played out so beautifully. I said: \u201cHoney, you know what? They\u2019re probably playing spin the bottle. That means that you\u2019d probably end up kissing that boy you sit next to in math. [Laughter] I know you like him as a friend, but do you really want to go to school on Monday and know that you\u2019ve kissed him?\u201d Well, she and Elizabeth\u2019s faces were just horrified. They went to bed happy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, wanting to go\u2014happy not to go\u2014wishing she was there\u2014happy she\u2019s not there. She came home from school. She looked at me and said, \u201cHow did you know they were going to play spin the bottle?\u201d She said: \u201cI\u2019m so glad I wasn\u2019t there. If I had had to kiss those boys in my class and sit next to them, I\u2019d die of embarrassment.\u201d So, that, again, was a gift to me from the Lord. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> My kids really wanted boundaries. They were enticed to go to these things\u2014mostly out of peer pressure\u2014but they really, in their hearts, wanted to be protected from them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you played it shrewdly. It wasn\u2019t just a, \u201cNo, you can\u2019t go,\u201d but you designed an alternative that was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014an attractive alternative. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Listen, we have created diversions. There have been times when I have literally called my mother-in-law and said: \u201cYou\u2019re coming up this weekend; right? Didn\u2019t you want to come visit?\u201d She\u2019d go, \u201cAh, do I need to come to visit?\u201d \u201cYes, we need a diversion.\u201d We would call it a family weekend\u2014\u201cSorry, you can\u2019t go!\u201d I\u2019m okay with creating diversions for my kids. That\u2019s the permissive side of me that doesn\u2019t want to say, \u201cNo,\u201d but really knows they shouldn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s being a wise mom, at that point. I really do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And what I want our moms to hear\u2014and what you just said\u2014is that it\u2019s not just your kids who want boundaries. Even the son or daughter, who pushes back on your boundaries\u2014doesn\u2019t mean he or she doesn\u2019t <em>want<\/em> the boundary. You may give them a boundary\u2014and they are really grateful, and they do long for the protection\u2014but they are going to push back because that\u2019s a part of growing up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I tell my favorite boundary story here, as a dad. I think it was ninth grade that our son, James, was home on a Friday night. He was not feeling well. He\u2019d just had kind of been puny. He was playing Madden Football on the computer and gets a phone call from a friend. They say: \u201cHey, we\u2019re going to go see <em>Master and Commander<\/em> at the movie. It\u2019s at 9:45 tonight.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, my son comes to me. He goes, \u201cDad, can I go?\u201d I said, \u201cYou\u2019re not feeling well.\u201d He said: \u201cI\u2019ll just be sitting in a theater! It\u2019s not like it would\u2014you can feel bad in a theater as well as at home.\u201d I said: \u201cNo, it\u2019s a <em>long<\/em> movie. It would be after midnight before you\u2019d even get out of the movie. That\u2019s past your curfew.\u201d \u201cDad! It\u2019s just one time and I\u201d\u2014so, I\u2019m getting the pushback. \u201cNo, no, you\u2019re not going to go.\u201d \u201cDad!\u201d\u2014he was really disappointed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I went to bed at 11 o\u2019clock that night. He was still up, playing computer games. About 30 minutes later, he came in. I think he had just thrown up. He came and he said, [in a mournful voice] \u201cYou were right.\u201d [Laughter] And I wanted to get a tape recorder. I wanted to grab a tape recorder and say, \u201cWould you say that one more time\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cright here into the tape recorder.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And sign this affidavit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I know you\u2019ve got a bunch of these gates in your book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want you to just quickly give us the essence of the wisdom you gained as you\u2019ve raised five, through adolescence, in each of these areas. So, the first one I\u2019ll hit you with is the free-time gate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, different children all want to spend their time differently. When they are little, free-time is such a positive. You want them to build blocks and play with toys; but as they get older, unfortunately, some of those free-time hours want to be spent doing technical things, or the cell phones, the video games\u2014and putting boundaries on where they do it\u2014watching what is their leaning. For girls, sometimes\u2014it could be more toward gossip and other girls, and the drama. Just watch. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIs it technology? I have one boy\u2014it\u2019s technology. One boy\u2014it\u2019s sports. And I have one girl\u2014that it\u2019s fashion\u2014and one girl, it\u2019s other things\u2014I could go on and on. But you\u2019ve got to watch their leaning by what they tend to choose, when they\u2019re younger, when they start aging-out of toys. And then, you want to make sure you have parameters around those so they don\u2019t become obsessive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s talk about computer games. You mentioned that briefly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Before you talk about computer games\u2014just because I think what you said is really important\u2014nothing wrong with sports. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Nothing wrong with playing a video game. It\u2019s the obsessive issue, and kids in middle school can become obsessive about almost anything. That\u2019s what you\u2019re trying to draw some boundaries around\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the obsessive nature of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> And it\u2019s perceiving and pondering before that, \u201cWhat is that leaning?\u201d And then, explain to them why. They need to know that you\u2019re not just trying to limit them, but you want them to be balanced. You want them to have self-control: \u201cYou can play that without my boundaries if you can be self-controlled about it yourself. If I walk into the room for the eighth time and say, \u2018Why didn\u2019t you turn that off?\u2019, that\u2019s a red flag to me that you don\u2019t have the self-control.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, now to Dennis\u2019s question about video games\u2014about time, online\u2014even TV, which was big deal\u2014it\u2019s a less of a deal for kids today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. It\u2019s screen time. We call it screen time now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly. Yes. So, how did you put boundaries around them? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, I was authoritarian in this area. We didn\u2019t watch TV during the week. There was no screen time during the week. And because it\u2019s God, family, job\u2014which I considered school their job\u2014and then friends and social stuff. So, there really was no time during the week for TV at all. So, we just had it on the weekend. On the weekends, they are busy. Again, they have more stuff to do. We didn\u2019t have a lot of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tVideo games\u2014there were times when I just said, \u201cYou\u2019re sneaking this.\u201d If it gets to a point where they are sneaking it, I just put it in the attic, and put it away, and say: \u201cIt\u2019s not a consequence. We\u2019re not ready for this privilege.\u201d Now, that hurts the other kids. So, there has to be some play there; but there have been times when I literally just remove it from the house because I don\u2019t want to fight about this: \u201cIf this is that important to you that you can\u2019t control yourself, we\u2019re just going to close the gate. When I think you\u2019re ready for opening it, maybe you\u2019ll get it for a Christmas present.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, and you have raised your kids through the emergence of the cell phone phenomenon. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan<\/strong>: Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean, when your oldest was ten or twelve, you were probably thinking, \u201cThere\u2019s no way you get a cell phone at twelve.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When the youngest came along; was it different? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> It\u2019s different. I\u2019ll tell you what I really get concerned about, as we age-down in social media, and in having the world in your hand\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> \u2014and that\u2019s what a smartphone is. You have the world in the palm of your hand\u2014it\u2019s particularly, with girls. I see them becoming very addicted to the drama. They can self-promote at any time on Instagram. They\u2019re always\u2014every time they are with a friend, they are taking 50 million poses and pictures. They are almost more caught up in posing for social media than actually having fun together. So, I\u2019m really concerned for the girls on that side. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor the boys, I think pornography is a whole issue\u2014that in ten years, we\u2019re going to really find is ruining marriages at a level we\u2019ve never seen before. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, how would you gauge it today? If you have a 12-year-old, do they get a cell phone? <br><br><strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, there was a gap. When my kids got cell phones, there weren\u2019t a lot of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The smartphone stuff wasn\u2019t there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, also\u2014but there weren\u2019t any protective things on there. You couldn\u2019t put anything on there. Now, there are some really amazing apps that will even tell you how fast your child is driving. So, I think you, again, open the gate by saying: \u201cYou know what? I can see where maybe going into high school\u2014you\u2019ve got a lot of sports\u2014having a phone is going to be a good thing for me. So, we\u2019re going to do a test.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA teacher gives quizzes to see if they are ready for the test. I think parents need to look at: \u201cOkay, this is a quiz. I\u2019m going to give you this phone. I only want you to use it in these ways. Then, we\u2019re going to review it, at the end of the month, and see what happened.\u201d So, if you give them 600 minutes; and you want to start them really small and say, \u201cThis is 20 minutes a day\u201d\u2014whatever\u2014then, at the end of the month, you look. They either passed the quiz, or they didn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>If they passed the quiz, they might be ready for another privilege on the phone; but it is this constant\u2014them having to earn the right to have more instead of handing them a smartphone with texting and internet, all in one day, and, \u201cMerry Christmas. You get the whole\u2026\u201d They\u2019re not ready for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The essence of what you\u2019re doing, as you talk about these gates, is you\u2019re giving your child an opportunity to go out into adult practices\u2014like a phone, like driving, like dating, like social media\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oh, dating. I want to hear about dating. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Oh, gosh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How did you do dating? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. Let\u2019s talk about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about dating. Not my favorite, at all! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, how did you come down on this\u2014the Gestapo mom? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter] Well, fortunately, my husband\u2014we had girls first. So, Mark was the heavy with the girls\u2014definitely. Our boys are just getting to that point. But he made the rule that he had to meet them. They had to have them over to the house. He traumatized my first daughter <em>so much<\/em> about it that the rumor got out about the trick he played in their high school. They, to this day, say, \u201cWe didn\u2019t have many dates because everybody heard about what Daddy did.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait. What\u2019s the trick?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What\u2019s the trick? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> She had been asked by a friend of ours\u2014a family friend of ours\u2019 son\u2014to homecoming. She was put on the spot when she was asked. So, she just said, \u201cYes!\u201d without telling us because it was the first time she\u2019d ever been asked anything. He asked her at a football game, in front of all her friends. Then, she knew he was going to have to be met. So, she\u2019s very nervous. This is my Type A\u2014little, nervous Nelly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we know these people. So, we played a trick on her because she was so totally nervous that we thought we\u2019d have fun with it. The dad brought the son over. She arranged for this meeting when she was at a swim meet\u2014she\u2019s a swimmer\u2014because she didn\u2019t want to be there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> She\u2019s so embarrassed. So, after the whole interview\u2014 Mark does a great job. He says to the guys, \u201cWhat would you do if I gave you a million dollars?\u201d\u2014he got this from Joe White at Kanakuk. \u201cWhat would you\u2014\u201d and the guy always says different things\u2014like, \u201cBe careful with it.\u201d \u201cWell, this is my daughter; and she\u2019s worth more than a million dollars. So, I want you to know, if you run into any problems, you call me. I will do anything to get you out of any situation. She\u2019s that valuable to me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, he did the whole thing. Well, we planted the Bible\u2014open, on the coffee table. He put a baseball bat in the corner. Then, he had the other kids at our house tell Megan, when she got home, that he was standing there, holding the baseball bat, preaching to this poor boy for an hour. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, Megan totally believed it! She really thought that this was what it was going to be. Up until the homecoming date, she was believing\u2014just mortified about this. Of course, then, she wouldn\u2019t believe that we really didn\u2019t do this; but the guy played along with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I tell you what\u2014that is a great message to send throughout the school, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. It worked! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When the word gets out, it will eliminate a lot of the undesirables, which helps in opening the gate because, at that point, only the right guys are going to show up to the gate\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014to take your daughter\u2019s hand to take them out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I can show you Dennis\u2019s baseball bat\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Oh, good. I\u2019m sure he has one, too. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because he\u2019s got one. When he wrote the book, <em>Interviewing Your Daughter\u2019s Date<\/em>, there\u2019s a picture of bat on the book; isn\u2019t there? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There is. There is, and the bat is called \u201cThe Respect-her\u201d. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Oh, I like that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cThe Respect-her\u201d. It\u2019s actually laser-engraved. I wish I\u2019d had all the guys I interviewed sign it. The last half dozen guys signed it, including a young man who came over to our house who said: \u201cMr. Rainey, I don\u2019t want to date any of your daughters. I just want to be interviewed.\u201d <br><br><strong>Susan:<\/strong> That\u2019s awesome. Wow. There you go! I have to say, with that, there comes a certain respect that you get of the kind of kids\u2014and all the kids that my girls ever had a relationship with became friends with the family. We had them over, and that was the other thing: \u201cYou have to do things with us.\u201d We invited them, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re kidding about the baseball bat. I didn\u2019t use it to preach and hold it in one hand and the Bible in the other. It was really more symbolic for my daughters to know\u2014\u201cYou know what? As a daddy, I\u2019m here to protect you.\u201d And that\u2019s really what you\u2019re calling moms to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019re calling moms to be passionate about motherhood and about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> To be border guards is what you\u2019re talking about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Keep the gates protected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And we sure appreciate you, Susan, and also your husband, Mark, and how you guys are champions\u2014not only for your own marriage and family\u2014but also for tens of thousands of others across the country. Thanks for your leadership\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and encouraging moms today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> Well, we love those moms and dads. We love their kids; and we want them to be like you said, \u201cThose warriors.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think anybody who reads your book is going to see how much you love those moms because the book is called <em>The Passionate Mom<\/em>. It really reflects your heart for being a mom yourself and for equipping other moms to do this important work of raising the next generation. We\u2019ve got copies of Susan Merrill\u2019s book, <em>The Passionate Mom<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to request a copy of the book; or call us, toll-free, at 1-800-FL-TODAY. That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d. Or again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order from us online or order by phone; and we\u2019ll get the book out to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, as we begin the month of May, we\u2019ve had this happen for a couple of years now. We\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry\u2014who have come to us\u2014and they are aware of the fact that, during the summer, ministries like ours often experience a falloff in financial support. Listeners, for whatever reason, don\u2019t call or write as often\u2014don\u2019t go online and make an online donation as often as they do in other times of the year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, our friends came to us and said, \u201cWe want to help you be prepared for those slower summer months.\u201d And the way that they offered to do that was by providing us with a matching fund for the month of May. Every donation we receive between now and the end of the month\u2014 they are going to match that donation, on a dollar-for-dollar basis, up to a total of $576,000. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that will go a long way to helping us get through the summer months; but we only get those funds if folks, like you, will call and help us take advantage of that matching gift. So, we\u2019re asking you to go online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d. You can make an online donation; and every dollar you donate is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, through the matching fund. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY, and make your donation over the phone. Again, your donation will be matched, as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>We just want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do. And please pray for us that we would receive enough funds to be able to take full advantage of this matching-gift opportunity. That will go a long way to helping us get through the summer months, here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. Joni and Ken Tada are going to be here. Some of you know Joni Eareckson Tada. She was paralyzed at the age of 17 in a diving accident in the Chesapeake Bay in New England. She has lived for the last four decades as a quadriplegic. She and her husband Ken are going to share the story of their marriage tomorrow\u2014more than 30 years of marriage. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. 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