{"id":302722,"date":"2013-04-24T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-04-24T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/cracking-the-code-of-female-behavior\/"},"modified":"2013-04-24T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-04-24T15:00:00","slug":"cracking-the-code-of-female-behavior","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/cracking-the-code-of-female-behavior\/","title":{"rendered":"Cracking the Code of Female Behavior"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Having a hard time figuring out the woman in your life?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-24.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.72M","filesize_raw":"26967084","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2901],"tags":[4187,5272],"podcast_series":[7940],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302722","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-husbands","tag-husbands","tag-understanding-my-spouse","podcast_series-for-men-and-women-only","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302722\/cracking-the-code-of-female-behavior","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302722\/cracking-the-code-of-female-behavior","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"dfscqB0rtF\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/cracking-the-code-of-female-behavior\/\">Cracking the Code of Female Behavior<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/cracking-the-code-of-female-behavior\/embed\/#?secret=dfscqB0rtF\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Cracking the Code of Female Behavior&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"dfscqB0rtF\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-24.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-24.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you\u2019re a husband, you\u2019ve probably heard at one point or another in your life that sometimes your wife doesn\u2019t want you to fix things, she just wants you to listen. If that hasn\u2019t made any sense to you, listen to author and researcher, Shaunti Feldhahn: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The analogy that I often use is \u201cYou know how you twist a rubber band, you keep twisting it and twisting it, and it gets all kinked up and it becomes really tight?\u201d That\u2019s what a woman is feeling all those dangling emotions\u2014she\u2019s all tight, she\u2019s all tense. And what she needs to do is to talk it out and to have you listen to the feelings and say, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry;\u201d and that\u2019s the equivalent of unwinding that rubber band. And you\u2019ll actually see her relax. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, April 24th. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to explore today some of the ways in which women think differently than guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Somewhere on my bookshelf I have a book that I\u2019ve kept for years; and the cover of the book is like, \u201cWhat\u2019s really going on in the mind of a man\u201d\u2014or something like that. Anyway, you open it up, and all of the pages are blank. It\u2019s just an empty book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s not fair. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014with that cover on it. But I thought it was kind of a\u2014or maybe it\u2019s what men understand about women. Maybe that\u2019s what the book is. \u201cWhat every man understands about a woman\u201d\u2014and you open it up, and it\u2019s a blank book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ll\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You think that\u2019s a cheap shot? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think it is, but I think when I started out in our marriage over 40 years ago\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Pretty accurate? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I did not\u2014I really did not know what I did not know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean I was a rookie. I was a rookie in marriage. I was about to gain experience rapidly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean no doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You were a rookie and a low draft choice at that, right? (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Number one draft choice for one woman. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> For Barbara, that\u2019s all that matters. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, we want to talk to men about filling in the gaps about what you understand about your wife in a marriage relationship. And we have with us a woman who has totally educated her husband in knowing how to do this, Jeff. Shaunti Feldhahn joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You\u2019re laughing, Shaunti. You haven\u2019t achieved the objective? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No, he understands me great. I was just going to say, \u201cIt\u2019s not because of me.\u201d It\u2019s because he\u2019s become the student to figure this stuff out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that really is the key. You have to become a student of your bride to really know how to best love her. She has written a book\u2014actually, revised her best-selling book, <em>For Men Only<\/em>. And you\u2019re taking another pass at this because men need all the help they can get in better understanding their wives, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And because you\u2019ve found out some new things since you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014wrote the book back in 2006? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, it is truly fascinating to see how much we\u2019ve continued to learn; and it\u2019s not just how much men don\u2019t know\u2014alright?\u2014but literally, there are some things that most of us as women don\u2019t even know how to explain to our men, that I had no idea until I started doing some of this research that other women thought the same way I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, review real quickly what your major findings were the first time\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014when you helped men understand their wives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Sure. The first one is this whole idea that there is no switch in a woman\u2019s brain that gets flipped to the \u201cOh, I feel permanently loved now. Thank you,\u201d position and that she needs to know and feel this sense of reassurance that he would choose me all over again. <br><br>The second thing that\u2014to me, I\u2019d love to cover as well here because we have updated the reason for it is that men are basically like a computer with one window open at a time; and you work on one thing, one thought, one feeling at a time and move onto the next. For us as women, we might have 10 windows open on the desktop of our minds and thinking about all these different things and can\u2019t close out the ones that are bothering us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListening\u2014guys think listening\u2014you know they\u2019ve heard, \u201cDon\u2019t fix it. Don\u2019t fix it\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Just listen? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cjust listen,\u201d they\u2019ve heard that. Jeff, you know he\u2019s just an average guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He\u2019s not a psychologist. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He always said, \u201cI don\u2019t know what that means.\u201d He thought it meant, \u201cI\u2019ll let Shaunti talk until she\u2019s done and out of words, and I won\u2019t interrupt. Then, when she\u2019s done, I\u2019ll fix it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I love what you said here: \u201cListening is the solution.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, and it\u2019s a specific type, though, and that\u2019s what I\u2019d love to cover. It\u2019s actually listening to her feelings--not so much about the problem itself, which is what guys tend to focus on--but the feelings about the problem. That\u2019s what\u2019s jangling her all up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, those are just some examples of some of the\u2014we talk about the sex subject; we talk about all these other things too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019re really\u2014when you talk about the listening piece, you\u2019re really talking about the need that a woman has for a man to feel along with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> When she\u2019s feeling something\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t just listen to how I feel, but feel it with me at some level,\u201d right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s \u201cFeel it with me,\u201d and basically, this sense of \u201cEven if you don\u2019t feel it with me, acknowledge that this is hard. This is how you\u2019re feeling? Oh, I\u2019m so sorry. Were you embarrassed when that happened? Tell me, how did you feel? Did you just want to fall into the ground and die? What was that like?\u201d <br><br>We tell the guys, \u201cGuys, you don\u2019t have to stop being Mr. Fix-It. God\u2019s made you Mr. Fix-It. That\u2019s fine. Just do it in step one and step two, and step two is where you get to put on the Mr. Fix-It hat and go after the solution to the actual problem.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStep one, listen to her feelings. Get all that out. Help her talk it out loud, and she\u2019ll be all relieved. Then, she\u2019ll feel heard and will be much more willing to sit down with you, side-by-side, and work on step two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m believing you, but it\u2019s by faith that I\u2019m believing you on this one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s by faith. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, you say in your book that you want to help men break the code of female behavior. And here\u2019s where you throw us a curve\u2014women have this way of taking A+B+C=D today, okay? And it may be in an argument; and so, what Barbara needed me to do in that situation was just go listen, listen, listen, listen\u2014\u201cOkay, sweetheart, I really do understand what you\u2019re feeling. It\u2019s been hard, hasn\u2019t it?\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d So, the rubber band is all released. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, tomorrow comes around, and I do the same thing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: You tried to run the same play. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Same play. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Worked yesterday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay? Okay, Shaunti. And so, I don\u2019t fix it; and she goes, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you trying to fix it?\u201d I go, \u201cWait a second. You changed the equation on me.\u201d It happens in conflict. It happens in sex. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Can you provide some marital counseling for Dennis here on this issue, please? (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, he\u2019s like articulating the heart cry of every guy, \u201cHelp me out here,\u201d because we women can look really confusing that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, you\u2019re the one who wrote about it in your book. You said you wanted to help us men crack the code of female behavior. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I think we actually said, \u201cCrack the code of baffling, female behavior.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, we did. (Laughter) That\u2019s right. I\u2019ve got that here in my notes. Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And see, okay, here\u2019s the big picture\u2014can we pull back just a little bit\u2014big picture. What\u2019s behind that question that you asked, if you don\u2019t mind me kind of nailing this a little bit, is the assumption underneath that a lot of men have that women are just kind of random. And truly, this is what would help, I think, a lot of guys to realize, \u201cIf you are getting a different response, there is absolutely a reason.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it\u2019s almost in a guy as if you had a computer and you were pressing the keys and you get the key \u201cA\u201d\u2014and you press an \u201cA\u201d, you know you get an \u201cA\u201d. And you do it again, you press an \u201cA\u201d\u2014and if you press it again and you get nothing or you get a \u201c4\u201d, you\u2019re like\u2014you don\u2019t assume that\u2019s just random, and you can\u2019t do anything to fix it. You\u2019re like, \u201cOkay, there is something wrong with the keyboard,\u201d and you reboot the computer. And you assume, \u201cI can do something about this. I can figure this out.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhereas with women, you get the \u201cA\u201d, \u201cA\u201d, \u201cA\u201d, \u201c4\u201d; and you think, \u201cOh, she\u2019s just being random. There\u2019s no rhyme or reason.\u201d So, you assume you can\u2019t do anything about it\u2014just leave her alone. You never do that with a computer, just leave it alone until it magically re-fixes itself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd guys, if you will stick with it and look for the reason, you\u2019ll see there is one. You\u2019ll feel a lot more confident next time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Alright, here\u2019s where Peter instructs me and helps me out a bunch. He says in 1 Peter 3:7 \u201cLikewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019ve learned with Barbara is in the pursuit of an understanding way\u2014of living with her like that, okay?\u2014is I\u2019ve learned that there\u2019s always a context for every response; and if I\u2019m missing it, I\u2019ve not truly figured out what the context of the day, of a phone call that occurred\u2014maybe something she heard from one of our kids that discouraged her\u2014and so, as a husband, you know we\u2019re not married to a computer; we\u2019re married to a person who really needs to be loved in the midst of doing life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I\u2019ve just learned that if I\u2019m getting a different response, there\u2019s a different context that demands a different approach by me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, and I think it\u2019d be good for you to help us guys\u2014just coach us. Okay, so, women have this complex and baffling behavior. We get that. Now, you offer some suggestions in the book on how to respond to that. What are you suggesting for us? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, one of the most important things for a guy, honestly\u2014and I think for any guy who wants the five-step plan. It doesn\u2019t necessarily work exactly like that, but pretty close. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the first things that you can do is actually say, \u201cOkay, if she\u2019s upset, let me just assume it\u2019s not out of nowhere.\u201d Assume instead there\u2019s a reason. It\u2019s from somewhere. That alone will help you out, right? Because then, you\u2019re going to be like, \u201cMove to step two.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the reason? What could be going on?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I assume that there is a reason for this, I\u2019m going to keep looking. If I don\u2019t see it, I\u2019m going to keep looking. And that may mean asking her; and here\u2019s the next thing that would probably be helpful is assume if she\u2019s upset, for example, at least assume it could be something you did. You may not know what you did. It may not be something you did, but at least assume as a starting point. Dig in to it. \u201cDid I hurt your feelings? Was there something that I disappointed you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd this is where I love to stop here for a minute and talk about what confuses guys in this because sometimes you\u2019ll ask, \u201cDid I do something?\u201d and you\u2019ll hear, \u201cNo, no, no. I\u2019m fine.\u201d And guys\u2014this sort of playing games thing drives guys nuts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We think you\u2019re telling the truth when you say that. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Imagine that we would believe that that\u2019s the truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There\u2019s a way to say the word, \u201cFine\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It doesn\u2019t mean fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It doesn\u2019t mean fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When it\u2019s real short and crisp\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014it doesn\u2019t mean\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You have some friends who were out on a date who uncovered this kind of principle you\u2019re talking about where the guy needed to stop and go, \u201cMaybe I did something here,\u201d right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. Well, we\u2019ve all been in a situation like this. This was actually a couple we were interviewing, and they were describing how he\u2019s thinking, \u201cOh, great! We\u2019re going out on this great date\u201d\u2014and she\u2019d been working really hard on some stuff in his brother\u2019s business and they hadn\u2019t seen each other\u2014\u201cand okay, let\u2019s have a nice date night.\u201d They went to a movie, and they were going to go to dinner. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd he said, \u201cOn the way to dinner, can we just stop by my brother\u2019s?\u201d And she said, \u201cOh, okay.\u201d \u201cSo, it\u2019s just this 20 minute drive in this direction. It\u2019s not\u201d\u2014\u201coh, okay.\u201d And you know they talked to him for a little bit, and he told them all about this stuff that\u2019s been going on in the business. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd they went to the restaurant\u2014they were driving to the restaurant. And he\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, hey, honey, I know we need to be home by ten for the babysitter. Take the babysitter home. Where do you want to go to dinner? This evening is for you.\u201d She said, \u201cOh, really?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, this is the first clue that he had that there was a problem. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When the word, \u201creally,\u201d is really short\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. So, he\u2019s like, \u201cYes, it is.\u201d And she was very quiet. She\u2019d shut down. \u201cAre you okay?\u201d \u201cYes, I\u2019m fine.\u201d And he\u2019s, of course, thinking, \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d Then, he starts to get angry because he\u2019s kind of feeling like, \u201cThis is totally unfair. Why is she ruining our nice evening?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, for the guy, he assumed, \u201cThis is just completely unreal. This is just stupid. This is unrealistic.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Hormones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, this is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s hormones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cWhy she just got upset about the fact that we stopped at my brother\u2019s place.\u201d Anytime a guy starts to think to himself, \u201cThis is out of nowhere,\u201d stop and think to yourself, \u201cOkay, Shaunti promised it\u2019s not out of nowhere. There is a reason.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, for him, if he would have pursued that and said, \u201cNo, I can tell it\u2019s not fine. Did I do something?\u201d what he would have heard from her was that she had been looking forward for weeks to telling him that exact story that his brother had just told him about this big development in the business that she\u2019d a lot to do with; and they hadn\u2019t had a lot of time together, and she was looking forward to connecting over dinner instead of this little hurried, rushed thing because we\u2019ve got to get home to the babysitter. And he wasn\u2019t aware of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, here\u2019s what we tell the guys in this situation because everybody has been in this kind of situation, is that if he would have pursued it a bit further, he would have started to hear some of these things and what he would have realized is these signals that seem out of nowhere are actually a signal of an invisible need that she\u2019s asking him to meet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Now, guys often say, \u201cWell, why didn\u2019t she just say, \u2018I\u2019m angry?\u2019\u201d Now, okay, so let me ask the guys to put themselves in their shoes\u2014and you guys tell me if you agree with this\u2014but often, what guys tell me is if he were to say, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d and she would have answered it straightforwardly, \u201cI\u2019m mad that you drove 20 minutes across town and I was looking forward to telling you that story,\u201d he probably would have gotten defensive and angry like, \u201cShe\u2019s disrespecting me. She\u2019s being critical. This is\u201d\u2014and he would have started this sense of \u201cUrggh.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, she on purpose didn\u2019t say anything because she needed to know that he really wanted to know. So, in his mind, she\u2019s holding back and playing games. In her mind, she\u2019s been trained not to be straightforward with him, because when she is, he gets mad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So a guy needs to think, \u201cMaybe I did something here and I need to be open to that and I need to investigate and say, \u2018No, I really do want to know. Have I done something here?\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, and continue to press a little bit on it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But it may be that it has nothing to do with him, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Correct. It also could be just, again, context. You were\u2014that\u2019s a perfect way of putting it. I never would have thought to put it that way, but there could be something else going on. But still, this signal that you\u2019re getting\u2014this is a signal of a need she\u2019d love to have you meet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right, or some circumstances\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014that occurred during the day that she didn\u2019t have any control over. I mean we had six kids in ten years. I\u2019d come home and Barbara had needs and she had circumstances. I mean both contributed to the context of where she was living, and she needed a husband to come in and in a sense rescue her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014for a few moments\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014from the tribe. I mean they had her all wrapped up in ropes, and she needed an adult conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And if you would have thought, \u201cThis reaction is totally out of nowhere,\u201d what would have happened is that you would have\u2014not that you would have ever done this, Dennis\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m sure\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019m sure you never would have done this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014I\u2019m sure I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But if you ever thought, \u201cThis reaction of hers is totally unreasonable. It\u2019s completely out of nowhere,\u201d that sort of gives you permission to kind of back off and say, \u201cOh, I can\u2019t do anything with it;\u201d as opposed to, \u201cOkay, no, they promised there is a reason for this, and I can look. Find it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You had one thing\u2014you had one additional element you added that I could only ask of a friend like you. You said another reason can be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, come on, let\u2019s just say it. Hormones.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014hormones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Hormones. Yes, there is that like\u2014that is an area that\u2014it\u2019s still a reason. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes, it\u2019s a reason. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s still a reason. It\u2019s not, again, out of nowhere; but to realize there are some women who this is an issue for them. Work out something ahead of time like one of our good friends. He actually says, \u201cAm I talking to my sweet wife, Lori, or to Helga right now?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd they\u2019ve worked this out ahead of time where she\u2014they\u2019ve said this because this makes her laugh. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> See, here\u2019s how we did it. We had the same code. I would periodically say to Mary Ann, \u201cIs your back sore?\u201d because often times when she was experiencing a little hormonal rush, she would get a little lower back pain. So, she\u2019d be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> This was your code. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in the middle of something, and I would just say, \u201cSweetheart, is your back sore?\u201d And it was\u2014now, if it wasn\u2019t, I was in real trouble. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was getting ready\u2014did that ever boomerang on you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: Times, but there were also times when it just kind of melted\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014exactly right there. She said\u2014in her own mind, it was like, \u201cOkay, I realize what\u2019s going on with me. You realize what\u2019s going on with me,\u201d and we were okay at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The key is to work that out ahead of time. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, one last question that I know a guy who\u2019s listening to us right now is thinking\u2014he\u2019s going, \u201cOkay, look, I\u2019m a bottom line guy. Why don\u2019t you ladies just come out, put it on the table, lay out there the reason for why it\u2019s taking place; or is this some kind of mystery game or some kind of complex maze you want me to walk through?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019ll be honest. There is another reason there, which is that for a woman, especially one who has a doubt about whether her husband really does love her\u2014that \u201cWould he choose me all over again\u201d thing\u2014which he might think he\u2019s a great husband. He may be a great husband; but remember, this is an insecurity that most women have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEighty percent of the women on the survey underneath the surface\u2014\u201cWould he choose me all over again?\u201d And there is one way to find out without a doubt that he would choose me all over again and that he loves me; and that\u2019s when I\u2019m being unlovable or difficult that he pursues me. Now, that\u2019s very unrealistic to expect most men to pursue Helga\u2014to stick it out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to know where Bob went when Mary Ann said she had a back ache. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But we tell the men\u2014I mean we say, \u201cLook, when she is being critical and angry, often, it\u2019s she\u2019s upset. You think, \u2018Okay, she\u2019s upset. She needs space.\u2019\u201d Most of the time, women don\u2019t need space; they need a hug. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe actually had a guy yell out from an audience in one of our marriage conferences, \u201cYou mean hug the porcupine?\u201d You know? And the answer is \u201cYes.\u201d And the women say that most of the time, actually, if you\u2019ll do that, you\u2019ll see what you think is a porcupine\u2014you see the quills melt; and you\u2019ll be very incented to continue doing that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I want to just wrap our broadcast today by encouraging husbands who have not memorized one verse in the Bible\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014just one verse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> 1 Peter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> 1 Peter, Chapter 3\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Verse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014verse 7. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014seven, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cHusbands\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201c\u2026live with your wives\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201c\u2026in an understanding way.\u201d And I\u2019m going to tell you something. If a man and a husband will memorize that passage, there is the third person of the Trinity who is at work in our lives to help you figure out how to do that. Again, you didn\u2019t marry a robot; you married a person. And that has all kinds of complexities in both directions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you are going to love your wife and if you\u2019re going to live with her in an understanding way, you need God\u2019s help. And He will guide you. He will show you how to demonstrate that kind of love and help. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, after you\u2019ve got the verse memorized, you can call the 800 number or go online and order Shaunti\u2019s book because I think it\u2019ll give you some fresh ways in how you can communicate love to your wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I\u2019m just curious, Shaunti. Do you have any idea the book, <em>For Men Only<\/em>\u2014do you think it has been read by more women or men? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, definitely, men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because I can imagine women going, \u201cWait. I want to read what this says about me too and highlight some things.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, actually, what we found there\u2019s actually now thousands of churches that require the books as premarital counseling before a couple gets married; and one of the ideas they\u2019ve come up with\u2014which I love\u2014is actually switch books first. You read the one about you. So, I would read <em>For Men Only<\/em> about me as a woman; and my husband would read the one about him as a man, and you highlight\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you highlight the part\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014and you make notes like, \u201cWow, this is totally me. This not so much, but this is a big deal.\u201d Then, when you switch them, you\u2019re reading a personalized copy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That doesn\u2019t have to be premarital counseling; you can do that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It can be anytime. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014at any point in your marriage. We\u2019ve got copies of both books in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. Go online to order a copy of the book, <em>For Women Only<\/em>, <em>For Men Only<\/em>. These are the revised, updated versions of the book. If you\u2019ve never read them, you\u2019ll find them helpful. If you have read them, you may want to read the additional information that Shaunti\u2019s included in these new revisions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order from us online, or you can order by phone. Call 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d. <br><br>Now, I hope those of you who listen regularly to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014I hope you know how much we appreciate the fact that you tune in and that you jot a note to us from time to time, let us know how God is using this program in your life. <br><br>Our team is really encouraged\u2014in fact, I got a very encouraging note from a listener in Maryland just today reflecting on how God has used <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> in his life for more than two decades. He\u2019s been with us since the beginning of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We love getting those kinds of letters. We also appreciate it very much when listeners are able to help with a donation either as an occasional gift or when you become a Legacy Partner and help support this ministry on a monthly basis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Your financial support is what makes <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible. It\u2019s those donations that cover the production and syndication costs for this program, keeps our website up and running, and all that we do here at FamilyLife. We really do depend on your financial support to keep this ministry going. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd today, if you are able to support the ministry with a donation, we would like to say thank you by sending you an audio CD that features a conversation we had a while back with Dr. Ed Welch. He\u2019s the author of a book called <em>Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave<\/em>; and we talked about the whole subject of addictive behavior. We thought it might be of interest to you because of the movie, <em>Home Run<\/em>, which has just been released that deals with substance abuse and alcoholism. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you can request a copy of that CD when you get in touch with us to make a donation. Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and click the button that says \u201cI CARE\u201d to make an online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone and request the CD on addictions when you get in touch with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Again, thanks for tuning in. Thanks for listening. Spread the word about <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and thanks for whatever financial support you can provide as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. We\u2019ve got a couple of moms who are going to be joining us\u2014moms who have given birth to special needs kids. We\u2019ll hear them share their stories and hear about God\u2019s goodness in the midst of challenging times. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.72M"],"filesize_raw":["26967084"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302722.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302722.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__video-wrap video{opacity: 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a hard time figuring out the woman in your life?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-24.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you\u2019re a husband, you\u2019ve probably heard at one point or another in your life that sometimes your wife doesn\u2019t want you to fix things, she just wants you to listen. If that hasn\u2019t made any sense to you, listen to author and researcher, Shaunti Feldhahn: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The analogy that I often use is \u201cYou know how you twist a rubber band, you keep twisting it and twisting it, and it gets all kinked up and it becomes really tight?\u201d That\u2019s what a woman is feeling all those dangling emotions\u2014she\u2019s all tight, she\u2019s all tense. And what she needs to do is to talk it out and to have you listen to the feelings and say, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry;\u201d and that\u2019s the equivalent of unwinding that rubber band. And you\u2019ll actually see her relax. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, April 24th. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to explore today some of the ways in which women think differently than guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Somewhere on my bookshelf I have a book that I\u2019ve kept for years; and the cover of the book is like, \u201cWhat\u2019s really going on in the mind of a man\u201d\u2014or something like that. Anyway, you open it up, and all of the pages are blank. It\u2019s just an empty book\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s not fair. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014with that cover on it. But I thought it was kind of a\u2014or maybe it\u2019s what men understand about women. Maybe that\u2019s what the book is. \u201cWhat every man understands about a woman\u201d\u2014and you open it up, and it\u2019s a blank book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ll\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You think that\u2019s a cheap shot? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think it is, but I think when I started out in our marriage over 40 years ago\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Pretty accurate? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I did not\u2014I really did not know what I did not know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean I was a rookie. I was a rookie in marriage. I was about to gain experience rapidly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean no doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You were a rookie and a low draft choice at that, right? (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Number one draft choice for one woman. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> For Barbara, that\u2019s all that matters. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, we want to talk to men about filling in the gaps about what you understand about your wife in a marriage relationship. And we have with us a woman who has totally educated her husband in knowing how to do this, Jeff. Shaunti Feldhahn joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You\u2019re laughing, Shaunti. You haven\u2019t achieved the objective? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No, he understands me great. I was just going to say, \u201cIt\u2019s not because of me.\u201d It\u2019s because he\u2019s become the student to figure this stuff out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that really is the key. You have to become a student of your bride to really know how to best love her. She has written a book\u2014actually, revised her best-selling book, <em>For Men Only<\/em>. And you\u2019re taking another pass at this because men need all the help they can get in better understanding their wives, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And because you\u2019ve found out some new things since you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014wrote the book back in 2006? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, it is truly fascinating to see how much we\u2019ve continued to learn; and it\u2019s not just how much men don\u2019t know\u2014alright?\u2014but literally, there are some things that most of us as women don\u2019t even know how to explain to our men, that I had no idea until I started doing some of this research that other women thought the same way I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, review real quickly what your major findings were the first time\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014when you helped men understand their wives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Sure. The first one is this whole idea that there is no switch in a woman\u2019s brain that gets flipped to the \u201cOh, I feel permanently loved now. Thank you,\u201d position and that she needs to know and feel this sense of reassurance that he would choose me all over again. <br><br>The second thing that\u2014to me, I\u2019d love to cover as well here because we have updated the reason for it is that men are basically like a computer with one window open at a time; and you work on one thing, one thought, one feeling at a time and move onto the next. For us as women, we might have 10 windows open on the desktop of our minds and thinking about all these different things and can\u2019t close out the ones that are bothering us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListening\u2014guys think listening\u2014you know they\u2019ve heard, \u201cDon\u2019t fix it. Don\u2019t fix it\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Just listen? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cjust listen,\u201d they\u2019ve heard that. Jeff, you know he\u2019s just an average guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He\u2019s not a psychologist. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He always said, \u201cI don\u2019t know what that means.\u201d He thought it meant, \u201cI\u2019ll let Shaunti talk until she\u2019s done and out of words, and I won\u2019t interrupt. Then, when she\u2019s done, I\u2019ll fix it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I love what you said here: \u201cListening is the solution.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, and it\u2019s a specific type, though, and that\u2019s what I\u2019d love to cover. It\u2019s actually listening to her feelings--not so much about the problem itself, which is what guys tend to focus on--but the feelings about the problem. That\u2019s what\u2019s jangling her all up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, those are just some examples of some of the\u2014we talk about the sex subject; we talk about all these other things too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019re really\u2014when you talk about the listening piece, you\u2019re really talking about the need that a woman has for a man to feel along with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> When she\u2019s feeling something\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t just listen to how I feel, but feel it with me at some level,\u201d right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s \u201cFeel it with me,\u201d and basically, this sense of \u201cEven if you don\u2019t feel it with me, acknowledge that this is hard. This is how you\u2019re feeling? Oh, I\u2019m so sorry. Were you embarrassed when that happened? Tell me, how did you feel? Did you just want to fall into the ground and die? What was that like?\u201d <br><br>We tell the guys, \u201cGuys, you don\u2019t have to stop being Mr. Fix-It. God\u2019s made you Mr. Fix-It. That\u2019s fine. Just do it in step one and step two, and step two is where you get to put on the Mr. Fix-It hat and go after the solution to the actual problem.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStep one, listen to her feelings. Get all that out. Help her talk it out loud, and she\u2019ll be all relieved. Then, she\u2019ll feel heard and will be much more willing to sit down with you, side-by-side, and work on step two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m believing you, but it\u2019s by faith that I\u2019m believing you on this one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s by faith. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, you say in your book that you want to help men break the code of female behavior. And here\u2019s where you throw us a curve\u2014women have this way of taking A+B+C=D today, okay? And it may be in an argument; and so, what Barbara needed me to do in that situation was just go listen, listen, listen, listen\u2014\u201cOkay, sweetheart, I really do understand what you\u2019re feeling. It\u2019s been hard, hasn\u2019t it?\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d So, the rubber band is all released. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, tomorrow comes around, and I do the same thing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: You tried to run the same play. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Same play. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Worked yesterday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay? Okay, Shaunti. And so, I don\u2019t fix it; and she goes, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you trying to fix it?\u201d I go, \u201cWait a second. You changed the equation on me.\u201d It happens in conflict. It happens in sex. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Can you provide some marital counseling for Dennis here on this issue, please? (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, he\u2019s like articulating the heart cry of every guy, \u201cHelp me out here,\u201d because we women can look really confusing that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, you\u2019re the one who wrote about it in your book. You said you wanted to help us men crack the code of female behavior. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I think we actually said, \u201cCrack the code of baffling, female behavior.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, we did. (Laughter) That\u2019s right. I\u2019ve got that here in my notes. Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And see, okay, here\u2019s the big picture\u2014can we pull back just a little bit\u2014big picture. What\u2019s behind that question that you asked, if you don\u2019t mind me kind of nailing this a little bit, is the assumption underneath that a lot of men have that women are just kind of random. And truly, this is what would help, I think, a lot of guys to realize, \u201cIf you are getting a different response, there is absolutely a reason.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it\u2019s almost in a guy as if you had a computer and you were pressing the keys and you get the key \u201cA\u201d\u2014and you press an \u201cA\u201d, you know you get an \u201cA\u201d. And you do it again, you press an \u201cA\u201d\u2014and if you press it again and you get nothing or you get a \u201c4\u201d, you\u2019re like\u2014you don\u2019t assume that\u2019s just random, and you can\u2019t do anything to fix it. You\u2019re like, \u201cOkay, there is something wrong with the keyboard,\u201d and you reboot the computer. And you assume, \u201cI can do something about this. I can figure this out.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhereas with women, you get the \u201cA\u201d, \u201cA\u201d, \u201cA\u201d, \u201c4\u201d; and you think, \u201cOh, she\u2019s just being random. There\u2019s no rhyme or reason.\u201d So, you assume you can\u2019t do anything about it\u2014just leave her alone. You never do that with a computer, just leave it alone until it magically re-fixes itself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd guys, if you will stick with it and look for the reason, you\u2019ll see there is one. You\u2019ll feel a lot more confident next time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Alright, here\u2019s where Peter instructs me and helps me out a bunch. He says in 1 Peter 3:7 \u201cLikewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019ve learned with Barbara is in the pursuit of an understanding way\u2014of living with her like that, okay?\u2014is I\u2019ve learned that there\u2019s always a context for every response; and if I\u2019m missing it, I\u2019ve not truly figured out what the context of the day, of a phone call that occurred\u2014maybe something she heard from one of our kids that discouraged her\u2014and so, as a husband, you know we\u2019re not married to a computer; we\u2019re married to a person who really needs to be loved in the midst of doing life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I\u2019ve just learned that if I\u2019m getting a different response, there\u2019s a different context that demands a different approach by me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, and I think it\u2019d be good for you to help us guys\u2014just coach us. Okay, so, women have this complex and baffling behavior. We get that. Now, you offer some suggestions in the book on how to respond to that. What are you suggesting for us? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, one of the most important things for a guy, honestly\u2014and I think for any guy who wants the five-step plan. It doesn\u2019t necessarily work exactly like that, but pretty close. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the first things that you can do is actually say, \u201cOkay, if she\u2019s upset, let me just assume it\u2019s not out of nowhere.\u201d Assume instead there\u2019s a reason. It\u2019s from somewhere. That alone will help you out, right? Because then, you\u2019re going to be like, \u201cMove to step two.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the reason? What could be going on?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I assume that there is a reason for this, I\u2019m going to keep looking. If I don\u2019t see it, I\u2019m going to keep looking. And that may mean asking her; and here\u2019s the next thing that would probably be helpful is assume if she\u2019s upset, for example, at least assume it could be something you did. You may not know what you did. It may not be something you did, but at least assume as a starting point. Dig in to it. \u201cDid I hurt your feelings? Was there something that I disappointed you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd this is where I love to stop here for a minute and talk about what confuses guys in this because sometimes you\u2019ll ask, \u201cDid I do something?\u201d and you\u2019ll hear, \u201cNo, no, no. I\u2019m fine.\u201d And guys\u2014this sort of playing games thing drives guys nuts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We think you\u2019re telling the truth when you say that. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Imagine that we would believe that that\u2019s the truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There\u2019s a way to say the word, \u201cFine\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It doesn\u2019t mean fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It doesn\u2019t mean fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When it\u2019s real short and crisp\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014it doesn\u2019t mean\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You have some friends who were out on a date who uncovered this kind of principle you\u2019re talking about where the guy needed to stop and go, \u201cMaybe I did something here,\u201d right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. Well, we\u2019ve all been in a situation like this. This was actually a couple we were interviewing, and they were describing how he\u2019s thinking, \u201cOh, great! We\u2019re going out on this great date\u201d\u2014and she\u2019d been working really hard on some stuff in his brother\u2019s business and they hadn\u2019t seen each other\u2014\u201cand okay, let\u2019s have a nice date night.\u201d They went to a movie, and they were going to go to dinner. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd he said, \u201cOn the way to dinner, can we just stop by my brother\u2019s?\u201d And she said, \u201cOh, okay.\u201d \u201cSo, it\u2019s just this 20 minute drive in this direction. It\u2019s not\u201d\u2014\u201coh, okay.\u201d And you know they talked to him for a little bit, and he told them all about this stuff that\u2019s been going on in the business. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd they went to the restaurant\u2014they were driving to the restaurant. And he\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, hey, honey, I know we need to be home by ten for the babysitter. Take the babysitter home. Where do you want to go to dinner? This evening is for you.\u201d She said, \u201cOh, really?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, this is the first clue that he had that there was a problem. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When the word, \u201creally,\u201d is really short\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. So, he\u2019s like, \u201cYes, it is.\u201d And she was very quiet. She\u2019d shut down. \u201cAre you okay?\u201d \u201cYes, I\u2019m fine.\u201d And he\u2019s, of course, thinking, \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d Then, he starts to get angry because he\u2019s kind of feeling like, \u201cThis is totally unfair. Why is she ruining our nice evening?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, for the guy, he assumed, \u201cThis is just completely unreal. This is just stupid. This is unrealistic.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Hormones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, this is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s hormones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cWhy she just got upset about the fact that we stopped at my brother\u2019s place.\u201d Anytime a guy starts to think to himself, \u201cThis is out of nowhere,\u201d stop and think to yourself, \u201cOkay, Shaunti promised it\u2019s not out of nowhere. There is a reason.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, for him, if he would have pursued that and said, \u201cNo, I can tell it\u2019s not fine. Did I do something?\u201d what he would have heard from her was that she had been looking forward for weeks to telling him that exact story that his brother had just told him about this big development in the business that she\u2019d a lot to do with; and they hadn\u2019t had a lot of time together, and she was looking forward to connecting over dinner instead of this little hurried, rushed thing because we\u2019ve got to get home to the babysitter. And he wasn\u2019t aware of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, here\u2019s what we tell the guys in this situation because everybody has been in this kind of situation, is that if he would have pursued it a bit further, he would have started to hear some of these things and what he would have realized is these signals that seem out of nowhere are actually a signal of an invisible need that she\u2019s asking him to meet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Now, guys often say, \u201cWell, why didn\u2019t she just say, \u2018I\u2019m angry?\u2019\u201d Now, okay, so let me ask the guys to put themselves in their shoes\u2014and you guys tell me if you agree with this\u2014but often, what guys tell me is if he were to say, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d and she would have answered it straightforwardly, \u201cI\u2019m mad that you drove 20 minutes across town and I was looking forward to telling you that story,\u201d he probably would have gotten defensive and angry like, \u201cShe\u2019s disrespecting me. She\u2019s being critical. This is\u201d\u2014and he would have started this sense of \u201cUrggh.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, she on purpose didn\u2019t say anything because she needed to know that he really wanted to know. So, in his mind, she\u2019s holding back and playing games. In her mind, she\u2019s been trained not to be straightforward with him, because when she is, he gets mad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So a guy needs to think, \u201cMaybe I did something here and I need to be open to that and I need to investigate and say, \u2018No, I really do want to know. Have I done something here?\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, and continue to press a little bit on it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But it may be that it has nothing to do with him, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Correct. It also could be just, again, context. You were\u2014that\u2019s a perfect way of putting it. I never would have thought to put it that way, but there could be something else going on. But still, this signal that you\u2019re getting\u2014this is a signal of a need she\u2019d love to have you meet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right, or some circumstances\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014that occurred during the day that she didn\u2019t have any control over. I mean we had six kids in ten years. I\u2019d come home and Barbara had needs and she had circumstances. I mean both contributed to the context of where she was living, and she needed a husband to come in and in a sense rescue her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014for a few moments\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014from the tribe. I mean they had her all wrapped up in ropes, and she needed an adult conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And if you would have thought, \u201cThis reaction is totally out of nowhere,\u201d what would have happened is that you would have\u2014not that you would have ever done this, Dennis\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m sure\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019m sure you never would have done this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014I\u2019m sure I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But if you ever thought, \u201cThis reaction of hers is totally unreasonable. It\u2019s completely out of nowhere,\u201d that sort of gives you permission to kind of back off and say, \u201cOh, I can\u2019t do anything with it;\u201d as opposed to, \u201cOkay, no, they promised there is a reason for this, and I can look. Find it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You had one thing\u2014you had one additional element you added that I could only ask of a friend like you. You said another reason can be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, come on, let\u2019s just say it. Hormones.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014hormones. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Hormones. Yes, there is that like\u2014that is an area that\u2014it\u2019s still a reason. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes, it\u2019s a reason. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s still a reason. It\u2019s not, again, out of nowhere; but to realize there are some women who this is an issue for them. Work out something ahead of time like one of our good friends. He actually says, \u201cAm I talking to my sweet wife, Lori, or to Helga right now?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd they\u2019ve worked this out ahead of time where she\u2014they\u2019ve said this because this makes her laugh. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> See, here\u2019s how we did it. We had the same code. I would periodically say to Mary Ann, \u201cIs your back sore?\u201d because often times when she was experiencing a little hormonal rush, she would get a little lower back pain. So, she\u2019d be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> This was your code. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in the middle of something, and I would just say, \u201cSweetheart, is your back sore?\u201d And it was\u2014now, if it wasn\u2019t, I was in real trouble. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was getting ready\u2014did that ever boomerang on you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: Times, but there were also times when it just kind of melted\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014exactly right there. She said\u2014in her own mind, it was like, \u201cOkay, I realize what\u2019s going on with me. You realize what\u2019s going on with me,\u201d and we were okay at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The key is to work that out ahead of time. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, one last question that I know a guy who\u2019s listening to us right now is thinking\u2014he\u2019s going, \u201cOkay, look, I\u2019m a bottom line guy. Why don\u2019t you ladies just come out, put it on the table, lay out there the reason for why it\u2019s taking place; or is this some kind of mystery game or some kind of complex maze you want me to walk through?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019ll be honest. There is another reason there, which is that for a woman, especially one who has a doubt about whether her husband really does love her\u2014that \u201cWould he choose me all over again\u201d thing\u2014which he might think he\u2019s a great husband. He may be a great husband; but remember, this is an insecurity that most women have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEighty percent of the women on the survey underneath the surface\u2014\u201cWould he choose me all over again?\u201d And there is one way to find out without a doubt that he would choose me all over again and that he loves me; and that\u2019s when I\u2019m being unlovable or difficult that he pursues me. Now, that\u2019s very unrealistic to expect most men to pursue Helga\u2014to stick it out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to know where Bob went when Mary Ann said she had a back ache. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But we tell the men\u2014I mean we say, \u201cLook, when she is being critical and angry, often, it\u2019s she\u2019s upset. You think, \u2018Okay, she\u2019s upset. She needs space.\u2019\u201d Most of the time, women don\u2019t need space; they need a hug. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe actually had a guy yell out from an audience in one of our marriage conferences, \u201cYou mean hug the porcupine?\u201d You know? And the answer is \u201cYes.\u201d And the women say that most of the time, actually, if you\u2019ll do that, you\u2019ll see what you think is a porcupine\u2014you see the quills melt; and you\u2019ll be very incented to continue doing that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I want to just wrap our broadcast today by encouraging husbands who have not memorized one verse in the Bible\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014just one verse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> 1 Peter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> 1 Peter, Chapter 3\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Verse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014verse 7. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014seven, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cHusbands\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201c\u2026live with your wives\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201c\u2026in an understanding way.\u201d And I\u2019m going to tell you something. If a man and a husband will memorize that passage, there is the third person of the Trinity who is at work in our lives to help you figure out how to do that. Again, you didn\u2019t marry a robot; you married a person. And that has all kinds of complexities in both directions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you are going to love your wife and if you\u2019re going to live with her in an understanding way, you need God\u2019s help. And He will guide you. He will show you how to demonstrate that kind of love and help. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, after you\u2019ve got the verse memorized, you can call the 800 number or go online and order Shaunti\u2019s book because I think it\u2019ll give you some fresh ways in how you can communicate love to your wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I\u2019m just curious, Shaunti. Do you have any idea the book, <em>For Men Only<\/em>\u2014do you think it has been read by more women or men? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, definitely, men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because I can imagine women going, \u201cWait. I want to read what this says about me too and highlight some things.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, actually, what we found there\u2019s actually now thousands of churches that require the books as premarital counseling before a couple gets married; and one of the ideas they\u2019ve come up with\u2014which I love\u2014is actually switch books first. You read the one about you. So, I would read <em>For Men Only<\/em> about me as a woman; and my husband would read the one about him as a man, and you highlight\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you highlight the part\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014and you make notes like, \u201cWow, this is totally me. This not so much, but this is a big deal.\u201d Then, when you switch them, you\u2019re reading a personalized copy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That doesn\u2019t have to be premarital counseling; you can do that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It can be anytime. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014at any point in your marriage. We\u2019ve got copies of both books in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. Go online to order a copy of the book, <em>For Women Only<\/em>, <em>For Men Only<\/em>. These are the revised, updated versions of the book. If you\u2019ve never read them, you\u2019ll find them helpful. If you have read them, you may want to read the additional information that Shaunti\u2019s included in these new revisions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order from us online, or you can order by phone. Call 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d. <br><br>Now, I hope those of you who listen regularly to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014I hope you know how much we appreciate the fact that you tune in and that you jot a note to us from time to time, let us know how God is using this program in your life. <br><br>Our team is really encouraged\u2014in fact, I got a very encouraging note from a listener in Maryland just today reflecting on how God has used <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> in his life for more than two decades. He\u2019s been with us since the beginning of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We love getting those kinds of letters. We also appreciate it very much when listeners are able to help with a donation either as an occasional gift or when you become a Legacy Partner and help support this ministry on a monthly basis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Your financial support is what makes <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible. It\u2019s those donations that cover the production and syndication costs for this program, keeps our website up and running, and all that we do here at FamilyLife. We really do depend on your financial support to keep this ministry going. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd today, if you are able to support the ministry with a donation, we would like to say thank you by sending you an audio CD that features a conversation we had a while back with Dr. Ed Welch. He\u2019s the author of a book called <em>Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave<\/em>; and we talked about the whole subject of addictive behavior. We thought it might be of interest to you because of the movie, <em>Home Run<\/em>, which has just been released that deals with substance abuse and alcoholism. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you can request a copy of that CD when you get in touch with us to make a donation. Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and click the button that says \u201cI CARE\u201d to make an online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone and request the CD on addictions when you get in touch with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Again, thanks for tuning in. Thanks for listening. Spread the word about <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and thanks for whatever financial support you can provide as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. We\u2019ve got a couple of moms who are going to be joining us\u2014moms who have given birth to special needs kids. We\u2019ll hear them share their stories and hear about God\u2019s goodness in the midst of challenging times. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302722","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302722"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302722"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302722"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302722"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302722"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302722"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302722"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}