{"id":302721,"date":"2013-04-23T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-04-23T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/decoding-male-behavior\/"},"modified":"2013-04-23T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-04-23T15:00:00","slug":"decoding-male-behavior","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/decoding-male-behavior\/","title":{"rendered":"Decoding Male Behavior"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are you having difficulty \u201creading\u201d your man?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-23.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.95M","filesize_raw":"26160786","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2831],"tags":[4187,5272,4022],"podcast_series":[7940],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302721","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-wives","tag-husbands","tag-understanding-my-spouse","tag-wives","podcast_series-for-men-and-women-only","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302721\/decoding-male-behavior","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302721\/decoding-male-behavior","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"6BcWiclW1l\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/decoding-male-behavior\/\">Decoding Male Behavior<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/decoding-male-behavior\/embed\/#?secret=6BcWiclW1l\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Decoding Male Behavior&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"6BcWiclW1l\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-23.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-23.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s a difference between a man\u2019s brain and a woman\u2019s brain; and there are at least two people who can speak to that. One is Shaunti Feldhahn; the other is Jerry Seinfeld. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Women want to know what men are thinking. I know women are looking at me right now, and you\u2019re wondering, \u201cI wonder what goes on in that little brain of his.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> There is a fascinating state of being that exists in the male brain that does not exist in the female brain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Jerry:<\/strong> I could tell you the truth if you would like to know what men are really thinking. Would you like to know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> I will tell you, \u201cNothing.\u201d (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> There\u2019s no computing going on. It\u2019s just thinking about nothing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> We\u2019re not thinking anything. We\u2019re just walking around, looking around. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Which for us, as women, we\u2019ve never experienced that in our lives; but it\u2019s good to know that it\u2019s just the way God made them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 23<sup>rd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We are different as men and women; and today, we\u2019ll get help from Shaunti Feldhahn\u2014not Jerry Seinfeld\u2014as we examine that subject. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I wish I could get Beth Moore to write, \u201cWhat an important book,\u201d on the front of my books, you know? That would help things out quite a bit, don\u2019t you think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, this is a great book. <br><br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> It is a great book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You and I have featured this in the past; but we\u2019re back for another time on this because it is brand new and revised. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Revised and updated, absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Shaunti Feldhahn joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Shaunti, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Shaunti is a wife with her husband, Jeff, since 1994. They have two children, and they\u2019re about to move from the Golden Years into the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the Rapids. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014into the Challenges. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Are you saying that because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s all golden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014we\u2019re about to go into the teenage years? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s all golden right now; and by the way, Shaunti, I think you\u2019ve got a daughter who is about to move into junior high, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> She\u2019s in junior high, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Alright. We\u2019ve got a resource for you that\u2019s a great resource for anywhere from 11, 12, 13\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014<em>Passport2Purity<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Have you done it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No, but I am dying\u2014yes, we\u2019re probably about six months away from doing that together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ll fix you up with one of those before you leave here today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Sweet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s a total revision. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s been revised and updated just like <em>For Women Only<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Too? Awesome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. Well, you have written a number of books; but these two books, <em>For Women Only <\/em>and <em>For Men Only<\/em>, have sold the most, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> They have, yes, absolutely. They\u2019re in 22 different languages which is amazing to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And you decided to come back and take another pass at <em>For Women Only<\/em> and the other book as well. Tell us what prompted this. Did you do additional research at this point? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We did. We\u2019ve actually had the research ongoing the whole time; and we kept learning so many new things and the brain science. We used to be able to say what men are thinking or what women are thinking but we couldn\u2019t say why. And the advancements in brain science that have come out in the last few years\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff and I actually were doing a marriage conference about a year and a half ago; and we walked off stage and we looked at each other and we were like, \u201cYou know a third of what we just said on stage isn\u2019t even in the book.\u201d We\u2019ve learned so many new things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> So it\u2019s, \u201cOkay, we\u2019ve really got to update this with all the stuff we\u2019ve learned since they first came out.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, you started off when you wrote <em>For Women Only<\/em> back in 2004\u2014you talked about the fact that men need to be respected, that men are insecure, that provision is a huge issue for men, that they feel a need to be providers, that they are more visual, that they want sex more often than their wives do. You talked about the fact that they care about appearance\u2014maybe not their own, but the appearance\u2014I mean I\u2019m just being honest here, right? Okay? And that men want romance to be a part of their relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>So, those were kind of the core findings, and I remember you saying one of the real \u201caha\u2019s\u201d for you was that men care more about respect than they do about love. What are some of the things you\u2019ve found since the book was released that have been new \u201caha\u2019s\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> New \u201caha\u2019s\u201d. Well, you know let\u2019s stick with this whole subject of the respect issue, right? One of the things that I had not realized at all is there was another gamut of this where men and women, because we have these two different sets of insecurities, which I hadn\u2019t really been able to articulate when the books were first out\u2014that it gives rise to these two different sets of needs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the easiest way of explaining it is that women are most questioning, \u201cAm I loveable? Am I special? Am I beautiful? Am I worthy of being loved for who I am on the inside?\u201d That\u2019s like the cry of a woman\u2019s heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe guys were like, \u201cThat\u2019s okay. It\u2019s not like that\u2019s bad;\u201d but for them, their question is totally different. It\u2019s this heart cry of \u201cAm I able? Am I adequate? Am I any good at what I do?\u201d So, for example, there is incredible power in appreciation and incredible power in saying, \u201cThank you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the surveys that I did\u2014because we kept doing surveys and stuff\u2014I think it was 97% of men said that something as simple as \u201cThank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside. You take such good care of our family.\u201d For them, that\u2019s like a dozen roses, you know? This is a huge deal, whereas I never knew this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so, if I would drive in and I would see Jeff mowing the lawn, I would think to myself, \u201cOh, that\u2019s nice.\u201d I would never think to say it; or\u2014I hate to confess this out loud on national radio, but I\u2019ll say it anyway\u2014or I would drive in, I\u2019d park the car, I\u2019d go out to him, and I\u2019d say, \u201cOh, thanks for mowing the lawn, but you missed a spot.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And I would have no idea that inside he was going, \u201cOh\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014because for\u2014you know every woman listening to this is like, \u201cWhat?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWhy is that a problem?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cWhy is that a problem?\u201d It is because, remember, his biggest question, his biggest insecurity, his biggest fear is \u201cAm I any good at what I do? And does she think I\u2019m any good at what I\u2019m doing?\u201d So, knowing you are\u2014\u201cThank you so much. You are good at this,\u201d is powerful; but finding the one thing that he did wrong makes him think like, \u201cShe just thinks I missed it,\u201d which is why women start to hear words like, \u201cI feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2014and I\u2019ll tell you, boys\u2014you know we just\u2014do you mind if I say, \u201cBoys\u201d? (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You just did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re still here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You guys looked at me. I was like, \u201cOkay. Sorry.\u201d (Laughter) See we\u2019re all still girls and boys on the playground inside; so, but I\u2019ll tell you men that seriously, it is a shocker for us how big of a deal that is to you all and just how much he wants to know, \u201cHe done good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to tell you two stories here. And I think I may have shared both of these, but they just are so vivid in my memory. There was a Saturday years ago when one of our kid\u2019s bikes was\u2014something was wrong with the bike. So, I decided I was going to go out and try to see what I could do about fixing what\u2019s wrong with the bike. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Now I\u2019m not mechanically inclined, and I\u2019m not a bicycle repair guy. So, what was probably a 15 minute fix was something that took me a long time as I\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ve seen evidence of this is in your garage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, so, I\u2019m working to try to fix the bike, and I\u2019d been out there for an hour and a half working on it. I\u2019d just about\u2014I think I had it finally fixed; and Mary Ann came to the back door, and she said, \u201cAre you still working on the bike?\u201d I said, \u201cYes.\u201d I said, \u201cI think I\u2019ve got it fixed.\u201d She said, \u201cYou did? How did you know what to do? How did you even know where to start?\u201d And of course, my\u2014I start to bow up a little bit like I\u2019m\u2014\u201cWell, yes\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m hot stuff.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThis is not something that just any run of the mill guy could pull together.\u201d Now, again, I\u2019d probably taken three times as long as it needed; but as soon as she started to say, \u201cHow did you know,\u201d and show some admiration, I was just\u2014well, it affirmed me at the core. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And then, the other story? After how many years of marriage, you\u2019ve got these two stories? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is the other story, and Dennis and I can both relate to this because both of us do speaking for a living. We\u2019re in places where we speak, and we\u2019ll both agree that when we\u2019re done speaking the thing we most want to know is \u201cHow do you think I did?\u201d\u2014not \u201cWhat does the crowd think,\u201d not \u201cWhat does\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014but \u201cHow do you think I did?\u201d Mary Ann has very high standards when it comes to speaking; and more often than not when I say, \u201cSo, what did you think,\u201d she\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, let me grab my notebook.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. She\u2019ll get out the notebook, and she\u2019ll go, \u201cI think here and there you could have maybe said this better, and I had a question about this. I mean maybe you went too long here.\u201d Then, she\u2019ll wrap it all up and say, \u201cBut it was good.\u201d Okay. Now, I\u2019ve lived with her long enough to know that she really does\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That she means that, yes. She does mean that, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She does think it\u2019s good; and I\u2019ve lived with her long enough to know that that constructive criticism is helpful. It\u2019s helped sharpen me, but I\u2019ll tell you what: early on, that would have just\u2014I\u2019d have been in bed for the rest of the day. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Just with the covers pulled up over my head. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What Bob is illustrating here is something else that you\u2019ve discovered in your new edition of this book; and that\u2019s how men process disagreements, communication, how they hear things. And I really found this was fascinating how men can take up to seven hours to process what they are feeling, what they are thinking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It used to be that when we\u2019d be in conflict and we\u2019d have hurt feelings\u2014and I\u2019m classic woman. I want to stick with it. I want to resolve it, and Jeff wants to go into the workshop and pound something. And I\u2019d follow him around the house; and I\u2019d say, \u201cWell, what are you thinking about what I just said?\u201d And he\u2019d say, \u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019m thinking.\u201d And I\u2019m thinking, \u201cHow can you not know what you are thinking?!\u201d It\u2019d be the same thing\u2014\u201cWhat are you feeling?\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019m feeling.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a woman, my brain\u2014literally, the way God wired the female brain\u2014our brains are wired to do this kind of instantaneous very shallow levels, zip processing; and it sort of goes in circles. So, I\u2019ll process a little bit of information on a very broad level. Then, I\u2019ll go deeper across all these different issues; and then, go deeper and deeper. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMen\u2019s brains, the way God wired your brain, you\u2019re designed, you\u2019re wired to need to process each thought deeply and go very deep into that one thought, that one question, \u201cWhat am I thinking? What am I feeling?\u201d Then, once you\u2019re done with that, you go on to the next. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd what I realized is that I wasn\u2019t getting good results, and he was feeling like I was out arguing him; and if I was forcing him to stick in it with me and to have this discussion, basically, I\u2019m making it impossible for him to have any semblance of success at communication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You actually had a woman, a friend, call you from another city while you were working on this book and give you an illustration that clicked for you that Jeff had done the same thing her husband had done. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Explain that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, see, we women, we tend to think, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t love me. He wants to run away. He doesn\u2019t want to engage.\u201d And that\u2019s unfortunately the route that men have. So, this friend called me in tears because they had an argument and he\u2019d run out the door and gotten into a car and driven away and wouldn\u2019t engage with her. She\u2019s like, \u201cHe just wants to check out. He doesn\u2019t care about me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I said, \u201cWere emotions running high at the time?\u201d which is another thing I had learned\u2014that the brain science makes it even harder for guys to think clearly when emotions are running high. They have to shut those emotions out a bit and process for a while. \u201cYes, the emotions were really high.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we talked it through, and I\u2019m like, \u201cI feel like a traitor to all woman-kind to tell you this\u201d\u2014to my friend\u2014\u201cbut I think he completely cares about you; and the reason he felt like he had to get distance was that he cares about you. He didn\u2019t want to risk saying something that would hurt you worse, and his thoughts were all in turmoil. He didn\u2019t know how to do this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSo, he was pulling away in order to be able to process and come back and have a much better result later\u2014not pulling away because he doesn\u2019t care. He was pulling away because he cares.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, obviously, we all know that there are some men who just don\u2019t care\u2014just like there are some women who don\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And I\u2019m sure there are people for whom that is not true; but according to the surveys, most men, if they are pulling away, it is because\u2014not because they don\u2019t care, not because they don\u2019t want to engage; but they have to get some time to think and process, work things through, so they can come back and talk about it well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the woman who would say, \u201cWell, they just need to grow up a little bit. I mean this is just emotional immaturity, and if they would just grow up, we could deal with this\u201d\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And that would be easy to think except for the fact that I\u2019ve seen the pictures of the male and female brains, and it\u2019s fascinating. The MRI\u2019s that have been done, literally--in between the left and right hemispheres of the brain there\u2019s sort of a super highway called the corpus callosum. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd in a woman, it\u2019s all gray matter and white matter kind of computing power and networking cables like all mixed up together and processing this and that and the other thing all at once including thoughts and emotions and talking about it\u2014all at once. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe male corpus callosum is actually formed of isolated chunks of gray matter, like isolated super computers, that really aren\u2019t connected to each other by all these network cables\u2014all this white matter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, it\u2019s like a thought goes deep into one computer, and it has to process this one thought. Then, once that processing is done, then, he can move onto the next and, then, process that thought or process that feeling very deeply and know what he\u2019s thinking, know what he\u2019s feeling\u2014think it through. Then, it moves onto the next. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Literally, the structure is different. So for a woman to say, \u201cHe just needs to grow up and do it my way,\u201d you\u2019re basically forcing him to communicate in a way that is going to feel really uncomfortable to him and, frankly, almost impossible for him to have any sense of explaining himself. But if you give him a little bit of time, you get that much better deeper, richer conversation which in the end is what we want, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And here is where your research was fascinating to me. You asked men, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you want to talk about it? Just check all the reasons why you don\u2019t want to talk about it at the moment.\u201d In first place, 71% of the men indicated \u201cBecause I don\u2019t want to say something in the heat of the moment that I\u2019ll regret later.\u201d Ah! So this guy has got some wisdom. He\u2019s learned that his words can cause a deeper problem. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then, the second reason he said he didn\u2019t want to talk about it right now, \u201cBecause talking about our argument right now won\u2019t lead to a solution.\u201d\u00a0 Now here is a guy who wants to fix it; and he\u2019s figured out that what he\u2019s about to say or what he\u2019s about to share is not going to fix it. In fact, more than likely, it\u2019s going to add a log or two to the fire, and that creates additional problems. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here\u2019s the last one\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> In other words, he\u2019s protecting his wife\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014by wanting to disengage a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes. And then, here\u2019s another one: 48% said, \u201cBecause I\u2019m not clear about what I\u2019m thinking, and I can\u2019t articulate it yet. I\u2019m trying to sort it out.\u201d I get that. I mean really. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, and see, that\u2019s the thing. For every woman listening, they are like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d Again, that\u2019s why this is not an \u201cOh, he just needs to grow up.\u201d It\u2019s\u2014no\u2014our brains are different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me as a woman, because of the way God wired my brain, I haven\u2019t necessarily gone real deep into what I\u2019m thinking; but I know exactly what I\u2019m thinking and feeling and can talk about it instantly because that is the way my brain is wired. And there is a purpose behind my wiring; and there is a purpose behind your wiring. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s another story you tell in the book that relates to some of the new findings that you have in this new edition of <em>For Women Only<\/em>. It has to do with a time when you were away. You were speaking at a women\u2019s retreat, and Jeff was home taking care of the kids; and he said something to you that kind of freaked you out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. He described how\u2014and our little guy was five or whatever at the time\u2014and he said, \u201cAnd oh, by the way, I let him sleep without his pajama top.\u201d And you know it\u2019s the middle of winter. I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you thinking?\u201d Now, here\u2019s the thing\u2014this is another thing I cover in the new update to the book. We women, we often will say to ourselves\u2014or even say out loud\u2014\u201cWhat were you thinking\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That sounds like you\u2019ve come to the conclusion that he\u2019s a real idiot at this point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s it. We don\u2019t realize the translation of that is he wasn\u2019t thinking, right? That\u2019s what that means. And I realized, in doing this research about the brain science that I was just sharing, guys think about everything. They just do it differently than we do. They do that. They go underground. They go real deep. They think it all through before they can talk about it. So, therefore, what it means is when I most want to say, \u201cWhat was he thinking,\u201d there is actually a reason; I just don\u2019t know what it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so, I stop myself; and I said, \u201cOkay. So, help me understand, honey, I\u2019m\u2014it\u2019s the middle of winter.\u201d And he said, \u201cOh, yes.\u201d And I guess I said, \u201cIsn\u2019t he going to get cold?\u201d And he said, \u201cOh, yes, absolutely. He\u2019s been asking to do this the last three nights that you were gone; and I kept saying, \u2018No, buddy, you\u2019re going to be too cold.\u2019 So, I told him \u2018Okay, fine. You can sleep without a pajama top, but you\u2019re going to get cold.\u2019 He said, \u2018I still want to do it.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cSo, I figured I\u2019d keep the pajama top with me and have him sleep in our bed; so that when he woke up in the middle of the night and realized he was freezing and that this was a terrible idea, I\u2019d have it ready to put on him and he\u2019d realize this was a bad idea for himself.\u201d And I thought, \u201cOh, my goodness! This was like a really good parenting move\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand I just about completely ran over him for it.\u201d And I never would have heard that reasoning if I hadn\u2019t stopped myself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, here\u2019s what I think is interesting. Why do you think your five- or six-year-old son wanted to sleep without pajama tops on? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s an adventure, and that\u2019s a guy\u2014a guy wants the adventure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He\u2019s a boy. He wants to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He\u2019s a boy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He wants to try it. I want you to comment on one last thing here. You talk about some of the findings that you had about how men think. You made four points. I want you to comment on the fourth point\u2014not on the first three. The first thing you said was \u201cMen often have to think something through before they can talk it through.\u201d Secondly, \u201cMen need time to do this.\u201d That\u2019s right. Third, \u201cMen think through everything.\u201d We\u2019re constantly thinking. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the one I want you to comment on. \u201cAfter all that thinking and talking, men need to think about nothing.\u201d (Laughter) I call that vegetating. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. Okay, so here is the funny thing. We\u2019d be sitting in our apartment in New York\u2014you know newlyweds. And I turn to Jeff and I would say, \u201cWhat are you thinking about right now?\u201d \u201cNothing.\u201d And I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, he doesn\u2019t want to let me into his life.\u201d (Laughter) Come to find out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He was thinking about nothing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014he was actually thinking nothing. And for women listening to this, they are like, \u201cWhat?\u201d Okay, back to the brain science\u2014it turns out there is a fascinating state of being that exists in the male brain that does not exist in the female brain\u2014literally, doesn\u2019t exist. It\u2019s called a neural rest state, which for us as women, we have no idea what that feels like. We\u2019ve never experienced that in our lives; but it\u2019s good to know that it\u2019s not\u2014he\u2019s not withholding things from you. It\u2019s just the way God made him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know what you\u2019ve done in your book is\u2014I think it\u2019s kind of a modern day Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 talks about how a godly woman looks to the future and she smiles, has strength and dignity about her life that provides covering for her and protects her. And it\u2019s a wise woman who understands her man, so she can smile at the future; and you equip women to better do that, Shaunti. <br><br>Personally, I would commend this to any wife, whether you have been married a week, a month, a year\u201410, 20, 30, 40\u2014whatever. This is going to uncover some points of understanding that will make you a better wife and put some wind beneath your husband\u2019s wings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m sorry. I was going to say something here, but I was just in neural rest phase and was thinking about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are going to be some guys order.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014thinking about nothing. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> They are going to call our 800 number, Bob, or go online and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cGive me the neural rest book.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI want the neural\u2014give me that thing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Neural rest state.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> There you go. Write it down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is all part of what is in the new version of Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s book, <em>For Women Only<\/em>, where you\u2019ve done some new research. You\u2019ve found out some new things about the differences between men and women. And many of our listeners are familiar with the book. I\u2019ve mentioned that I\u2019ve given this away over the years to a lot of couples who are engaged and have gotten great response from them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>So if you\u2019d like the latest, the new updated copy of the book, <em>For Women Only<\/em>, or the new updated <em>For Men Only<\/em>, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for information on either book; and you can order from us online. Again, the website, FamilyLifeToday.com; or order by phone at 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis past weekend I was speaking at the FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> in Indianapolis, Indiana\u2014had a great weekend. Hundreds of couples from all across the region were there in downtown Indianapolis. We really enjoyed our time up there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it\u2019s always fun to talk to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners and had a lot of them come up at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and express their appreciation for this radio program\u2014even had some of our Legacy Partners who came up and said, \u201cWe support the ministry on a monthly basis,\u201d and we appreciate all of you who listen and all of you who help pay the bills because we are listener-supported. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>The cost for producing and syndicating this program is covered by folks who donate to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. It\u2019s not covered by the books we sell or the conferences we host. Without listeners going online to make an online donation or calling 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone, we could not continue this ministry. So we appreciate those of you who do support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis week, if you are able to help with a donation to support the ministry, we\u2019d love to send you as a thank you gift a CD on the subject of addictions. We had a conversation not long ago with Ed Welch who wrote the book, <em>Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave<\/em>; and with the movie that has just come out this weekend in theaters called <em>Home Run<\/em> that\u2019s all about substance abuse and addiction to alcohol, we thought this CD might be something that you\u2019d want to have or to pass along to a friend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>So, go to FamilyLifeToday.com, click the button that says, \u201cI CARE,\u201d to make an online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, make a donation over the phone, request the CD on addictions when you get in touch with us. Again, we appreciate your support of the ministry. We\u2019re always happy to hear from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk more with Shaunti Feldhahn about the differences between men and women. We\u2019ll talk about women tomorrow and some of the new research that she\u2019s done into those differences between the sexes. I hope you can be here for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. 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you having difficulty \u201creading\u201d your man?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s a difference between a man\u2019s brain and a woman\u2019s brain; and there are at least two people who can speak to that. One is Shaunti Feldhahn; the other is Jerry Seinfeld. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Women want to know what men are thinking. I know women are looking at me right now, and you\u2019re wondering, \u201cI wonder what goes on in that little brain of his.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> There is a fascinating state of being that exists in the male brain that does not exist in the female brain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Jerry:<\/strong> I could tell you the truth if you would like to know what men are really thinking. Would you like to know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> I will tell you, \u201cNothing.\u201d (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> There\u2019s no computing going on. It\u2019s just thinking about nothing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> We\u2019re not thinking anything. We\u2019re just walking around, looking around. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Which for us, as women, we\u2019ve never experienced that in our lives; but it\u2019s good to know that it\u2019s just the way God made them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 23<sup>rd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We are different as men and women; and today, we\u2019ll get help from Shaunti Feldhahn\u2014not Jerry Seinfeld\u2014as we examine that subject. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I wish I could get Beth Moore to write, \u201cWhat an important book,\u201d on the front of my books, you know? That would help things out quite a bit, don\u2019t you think? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, this is a great book. <br><br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> It is a great book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You and I have featured this in the past; but we\u2019re back for another time on this because it is brand new and revised. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Revised and updated, absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Shaunti Feldhahn joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Shaunti, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Shaunti is a wife with her husband, Jeff, since 1994. They have two children, and they\u2019re about to move from the Golden Years into the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the Rapids. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014into the Challenges. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Are you saying that because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s all golden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014we\u2019re about to go into the teenage years? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s all golden right now; and by the way, Shaunti, I think you\u2019ve got a daughter who is about to move into junior high, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> She\u2019s in junior high, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Alright. We\u2019ve got a resource for you that\u2019s a great resource for anywhere from 11, 12, 13\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014<em>Passport2Purity<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Have you done it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No, but I am dying\u2014yes, we\u2019re probably about six months away from doing that together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ll fix you up with one of those before you leave here today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Sweet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s a total revision. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s been revised and updated just like <em>For Women Only<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Too? Awesome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. Well, you have written a number of books; but these two books, <em>For Women Only <\/em>and <em>For Men Only<\/em>, have sold the most, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> They have, yes, absolutely. They\u2019re in 22 different languages which is amazing to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And you decided to come back and take another pass at <em>For Women Only<\/em> and the other book as well. Tell us what prompted this. Did you do additional research at this point? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We did. We\u2019ve actually had the research ongoing the whole time; and we kept learning so many new things and the brain science. We used to be able to say what men are thinking or what women are thinking but we couldn\u2019t say why. And the advancements in brain science that have come out in the last few years\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeff and I actually were doing a marriage conference about a year and a half ago; and we walked off stage and we looked at each other and we were like, \u201cYou know a third of what we just said on stage isn\u2019t even in the book.\u201d We\u2019ve learned so many new things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> So it\u2019s, \u201cOkay, we\u2019ve really got to update this with all the stuff we\u2019ve learned since they first came out.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, you started off when you wrote <em>For Women Only<\/em> back in 2004\u2014you talked about the fact that men need to be respected, that men are insecure, that provision is a huge issue for men, that they feel a need to be providers, that they are more visual, that they want sex more often than their wives do. You talked about the fact that they care about appearance\u2014maybe not their own, but the appearance\u2014I mean I\u2019m just being honest here, right? Okay? And that men want romance to be a part of their relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>So, those were kind of the core findings, and I remember you saying one of the real \u201caha\u2019s\u201d for you was that men care more about respect than they do about love. What are some of the things you\u2019ve found since the book was released that have been new \u201caha\u2019s\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> New \u201caha\u2019s\u201d. Well, you know let\u2019s stick with this whole subject of the respect issue, right? One of the things that I had not realized at all is there was another gamut of this where men and women, because we have these two different sets of insecurities, which I hadn\u2019t really been able to articulate when the books were first out\u2014that it gives rise to these two different sets of needs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd the easiest way of explaining it is that women are most questioning, \u201cAm I loveable? Am I special? Am I beautiful? Am I worthy of being loved for who I am on the inside?\u201d That\u2019s like the cry of a woman\u2019s heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe guys were like, \u201cThat\u2019s okay. It\u2019s not like that\u2019s bad;\u201d but for them, their question is totally different. It\u2019s this heart cry of \u201cAm I able? Am I adequate? Am I any good at what I do?\u201d So, for example, there is incredible power in appreciation and incredible power in saying, \u201cThank you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the surveys that I did\u2014because we kept doing surveys and stuff\u2014I think it was 97% of men said that something as simple as \u201cThank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside. You take such good care of our family.\u201d For them, that\u2019s like a dozen roses, you know? This is a huge deal, whereas I never knew this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so, if I would drive in and I would see Jeff mowing the lawn, I would think to myself, \u201cOh, that\u2019s nice.\u201d I would never think to say it; or\u2014I hate to confess this out loud on national radio, but I\u2019ll say it anyway\u2014or I would drive in, I\u2019d park the car, I\u2019d go out to him, and I\u2019d say, \u201cOh, thanks for mowing the lawn, but you missed a spot.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And I would have no idea that inside he was going, \u201cOh\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014because for\u2014you know every woman listening to this is like, \u201cWhat?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWhy is that a problem?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cWhy is that a problem?\u201d It is because, remember, his biggest question, his biggest insecurity, his biggest fear is \u201cAm I any good at what I do? And does she think I\u2019m any good at what I\u2019m doing?\u201d So, knowing you are\u2014\u201cThank you so much. You are good at this,\u201d is powerful; but finding the one thing that he did wrong makes him think like, \u201cShe just thinks I missed it,\u201d which is why women start to hear words like, \u201cI feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2014and I\u2019ll tell you, boys\u2014you know we just\u2014do you mind if I say, \u201cBoys\u201d? (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You just did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re still here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You guys looked at me. I was like, \u201cOkay. Sorry.\u201d (Laughter) See we\u2019re all still girls and boys on the playground inside; so, but I\u2019ll tell you men that seriously, it is a shocker for us how big of a deal that is to you all and just how much he wants to know, \u201cHe done good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to tell you two stories here. And I think I may have shared both of these, but they just are so vivid in my memory. There was a Saturday years ago when one of our kid\u2019s bikes was\u2014something was wrong with the bike. So, I decided I was going to go out and try to see what I could do about fixing what\u2019s wrong with the bike. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Now I\u2019m not mechanically inclined, and I\u2019m not a bicycle repair guy. So, what was probably a 15 minute fix was something that took me a long time as I\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019ve seen evidence of this is in your garage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay, so, I\u2019m working to try to fix the bike, and I\u2019d been out there for an hour and a half working on it. I\u2019d just about\u2014I think I had it finally fixed; and Mary Ann came to the back door, and she said, \u201cAre you still working on the bike?\u201d I said, \u201cYes.\u201d I said, \u201cI think I\u2019ve got it fixed.\u201d She said, \u201cYou did? How did you know what to do? How did you even know where to start?\u201d And of course, my\u2014I start to bow up a little bit like I\u2019m\u2014\u201cWell, yes\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m hot stuff.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cThis is not something that just any run of the mill guy could pull together.\u201d Now, again, I\u2019d probably taken three times as long as it needed; but as soon as she started to say, \u201cHow did you know,\u201d and show some admiration, I was just\u2014well, it affirmed me at the core. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And then, the other story? After how many years of marriage, you\u2019ve got these two stories? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is the other story, and Dennis and I can both relate to this because both of us do speaking for a living. We\u2019re in places where we speak, and we\u2019ll both agree that when we\u2019re done speaking the thing we most want to know is \u201cHow do you think I did?\u201d\u2014not \u201cWhat does the crowd think,\u201d not \u201cWhat does\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014but \u201cHow do you think I did?\u201d Mary Ann has very high standards when it comes to speaking; and more often than not when I say, \u201cSo, what did you think,\u201d she\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, let me grab my notebook.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. She\u2019ll get out the notebook, and she\u2019ll go, \u201cI think here and there you could have maybe said this better, and I had a question about this. I mean maybe you went too long here.\u201d Then, she\u2019ll wrap it all up and say, \u201cBut it was good.\u201d Okay. Now, I\u2019ve lived with her long enough to know that she really does\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That she means that, yes. She does mean that, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She does think it\u2019s good; and I\u2019ve lived with her long enough to know that that constructive criticism is helpful. It\u2019s helped sharpen me, but I\u2019ll tell you what: early on, that would have just\u2014I\u2019d have been in bed for the rest of the day. (Laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Just with the covers pulled up over my head. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What Bob is illustrating here is something else that you\u2019ve discovered in your new edition of this book; and that\u2019s how men process disagreements, communication, how they hear things. And I really found this was fascinating how men can take up to seven hours to process what they are feeling, what they are thinking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It used to be that when we\u2019d be in conflict and we\u2019d have hurt feelings\u2014and I\u2019m classic woman. I want to stick with it. I want to resolve it, and Jeff wants to go into the workshop and pound something. And I\u2019d follow him around the house; and I\u2019d say, \u201cWell, what are you thinking about what I just said?\u201d And he\u2019d say, \u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019m thinking.\u201d And I\u2019m thinking, \u201cHow can you not know what you are thinking?!\u201d It\u2019d be the same thing\u2014\u201cWhat are you feeling?\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019m feeling.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a woman, my brain\u2014literally, the way God wired the female brain\u2014our brains are wired to do this kind of instantaneous very shallow levels, zip processing; and it sort of goes in circles. So, I\u2019ll process a little bit of information on a very broad level. Then, I\u2019ll go deeper across all these different issues; and then, go deeper and deeper. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMen\u2019s brains, the way God wired your brain, you\u2019re designed, you\u2019re wired to need to process each thought deeply and go very deep into that one thought, that one question, \u201cWhat am I thinking? What am I feeling?\u201d Then, once you\u2019re done with that, you go on to the next. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd what I realized is that I wasn\u2019t getting good results, and he was feeling like I was out arguing him; and if I was forcing him to stick in it with me and to have this discussion, basically, I\u2019m making it impossible for him to have any semblance of success at communication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You actually had a woman, a friend, call you from another city while you were working on this book and give you an illustration that clicked for you that Jeff had done the same thing her husband had done. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Explain that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, see, we women, we tend to think, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t love me. He wants to run away. He doesn\u2019t want to engage.\u201d And that\u2019s unfortunately the route that men have. So, this friend called me in tears because they had an argument and he\u2019d run out the door and gotten into a car and driven away and wouldn\u2019t engage with her. She\u2019s like, \u201cHe just wants to check out. He doesn\u2019t care about me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I said, \u201cWere emotions running high at the time?\u201d which is another thing I had learned\u2014that the brain science makes it even harder for guys to think clearly when emotions are running high. They have to shut those emotions out a bit and process for a while. \u201cYes, the emotions were really high.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we talked it through, and I\u2019m like, \u201cI feel like a traitor to all woman-kind to tell you this\u201d\u2014to my friend\u2014\u201cbut I think he completely cares about you; and the reason he felt like he had to get distance was that he cares about you. He didn\u2019t want to risk saying something that would hurt you worse, and his thoughts were all in turmoil. He didn\u2019t know how to do this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSo, he was pulling away in order to be able to process and come back and have a much better result later\u2014not pulling away because he doesn\u2019t care. He was pulling away because he cares.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, obviously, we all know that there are some men who just don\u2019t care\u2014just like there are some women who don\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And I\u2019m sure there are people for whom that is not true; but according to the surveys, most men, if they are pulling away, it is because\u2014not because they don\u2019t care, not because they don\u2019t want to engage; but they have to get some time to think and process, work things through, so they can come back and talk about it well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> And the woman who would say, \u201cWell, they just need to grow up a little bit. I mean this is just emotional immaturity, and if they would just grow up, we could deal with this\u201d\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And that would be easy to think except for the fact that I\u2019ve seen the pictures of the male and female brains, and it\u2019s fascinating. The MRI\u2019s that have been done, literally--in between the left and right hemispheres of the brain there\u2019s sort of a super highway called the corpus callosum. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd in a woman, it\u2019s all gray matter and white matter kind of computing power and networking cables like all mixed up together and processing this and that and the other thing all at once including thoughts and emotions and talking about it\u2014all at once. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe male corpus callosum is actually formed of isolated chunks of gray matter, like isolated super computers, that really aren\u2019t connected to each other by all these network cables\u2014all this white matter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, it\u2019s like a thought goes deep into one computer, and it has to process this one thought. Then, once that processing is done, then, he can move onto the next and, then, process that thought or process that feeling very deeply and know what he\u2019s thinking, know what he\u2019s feeling\u2014think it through. Then, it moves onto the next. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Literally, the structure is different. So for a woman to say, \u201cHe just needs to grow up and do it my way,\u201d you\u2019re basically forcing him to communicate in a way that is going to feel really uncomfortable to him and, frankly, almost impossible for him to have any sense of explaining himself. But if you give him a little bit of time, you get that much better deeper, richer conversation which in the end is what we want, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And here is where your research was fascinating to me. You asked men, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you want to talk about it? Just check all the reasons why you don\u2019t want to talk about it at the moment.\u201d In first place, 71% of the men indicated \u201cBecause I don\u2019t want to say something in the heat of the moment that I\u2019ll regret later.\u201d Ah! So this guy has got some wisdom. He\u2019s learned that his words can cause a deeper problem. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then, the second reason he said he didn\u2019t want to talk about it right now, \u201cBecause talking about our argument right now won\u2019t lead to a solution.\u201d\u00a0 Now here is a guy who wants to fix it; and he\u2019s figured out that what he\u2019s about to say or what he\u2019s about to share is not going to fix it. In fact, more than likely, it\u2019s going to add a log or two to the fire, and that creates additional problems. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut here\u2019s the last one\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> In other words, he\u2019s protecting his wife\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014by wanting to disengage a little bit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes. And then, here\u2019s another one: 48% said, \u201cBecause I\u2019m not clear about what I\u2019m thinking, and I can\u2019t articulate it yet. I\u2019m trying to sort it out.\u201d I get that. I mean really. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, and see, that\u2019s the thing. For every woman listening, they are like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d Again, that\u2019s why this is not an \u201cOh, he just needs to grow up.\u201d It\u2019s\u2014no\u2014our brains are different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me as a woman, because of the way God wired my brain, I haven\u2019t necessarily gone real deep into what I\u2019m thinking; but I know exactly what I\u2019m thinking and feeling and can talk about it instantly because that is the way my brain is wired. And there is a purpose behind my wiring; and there is a purpose behind your wiring. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s another story you tell in the book that relates to some of the new findings that you have in this new edition of <em>For Women Only<\/em>. It has to do with a time when you were away. You were speaking at a women\u2019s retreat, and Jeff was home taking care of the kids; and he said something to you that kind of freaked you out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. He described how\u2014and our little guy was five or whatever at the time\u2014and he said, \u201cAnd oh, by the way, I let him sleep without his pajama top.\u201d And you know it\u2019s the middle of winter. I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat are you thinking?\u201d Now, here\u2019s the thing\u2014this is another thing I cover in the new update to the book. We women, we often will say to ourselves\u2014or even say out loud\u2014\u201cWhat were you thinking\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That sounds like you\u2019ve come to the conclusion that he\u2019s a real idiot at this point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s it. We don\u2019t realize the translation of that is he wasn\u2019t thinking, right? That\u2019s what that means. And I realized, in doing this research about the brain science that I was just sharing, guys think about everything. They just do it differently than we do. They do that. They go underground. They go real deep. They think it all through before they can talk about it. So, therefore, what it means is when I most want to say, \u201cWhat was he thinking,\u201d there is actually a reason; I just don\u2019t know what it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so, I stop myself; and I said, \u201cOkay. So, help me understand, honey, I\u2019m\u2014it\u2019s the middle of winter.\u201d And he said, \u201cOh, yes.\u201d And I guess I said, \u201cIsn\u2019t he going to get cold?\u201d And he said, \u201cOh, yes, absolutely. He\u2019s been asking to do this the last three nights that you were gone; and I kept saying, \u2018No, buddy, you\u2019re going to be too cold.\u2019 So, I told him \u2018Okay, fine. You can sleep without a pajama top, but you\u2019re going to get cold.\u2019 He said, \u2018I still want to do it.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cSo, I figured I\u2019d keep the pajama top with me and have him sleep in our bed; so that when he woke up in the middle of the night and realized he was freezing and that this was a terrible idea, I\u2019d have it ready to put on him and he\u2019d realize this was a bad idea for himself.\u201d And I thought, \u201cOh, my goodness! This was like a really good parenting move\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand I just about completely ran over him for it.\u201d And I never would have heard that reasoning if I hadn\u2019t stopped myself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, here\u2019s what I think is interesting. Why do you think your five- or six-year-old son wanted to sleep without pajama tops on? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s an adventure, and that\u2019s a guy\u2014a guy wants the adventure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He\u2019s a boy. He wants to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He\u2019s a boy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He wants to try it. I want you to comment on one last thing here. You talk about some of the findings that you had about how men think. You made four points. I want you to comment on the fourth point\u2014not on the first three. The first thing you said was \u201cMen often have to think something through before they can talk it through.\u201d Secondly, \u201cMen need time to do this.\u201d That\u2019s right. Third, \u201cMen think through everything.\u201d We\u2019re constantly thinking. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the one I want you to comment on. \u201cAfter all that thinking and talking, men need to think about nothing.\u201d (Laughter) I call that vegetating. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. Okay, so here is the funny thing. We\u2019d be sitting in our apartment in New York\u2014you know newlyweds. And I turn to Jeff and I would say, \u201cWhat are you thinking about right now?\u201d \u201cNothing.\u201d And I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, he doesn\u2019t want to let me into his life.\u201d (Laughter) Come to find out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He was thinking about nothing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014he was actually thinking nothing. And for women listening to this, they are like, \u201cWhat?\u201d Okay, back to the brain science\u2014it turns out there is a fascinating state of being that exists in the male brain that does not exist in the female brain\u2014literally, doesn\u2019t exist. It\u2019s called a neural rest state, which for us as women, we have no idea what that feels like. We\u2019ve never experienced that in our lives; but it\u2019s good to know that it\u2019s not\u2014he\u2019s not withholding things from you. It\u2019s just the way God made him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know what you\u2019ve done in your book is\u2014I think it\u2019s kind of a modern day Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 talks about how a godly woman looks to the future and she smiles, has strength and dignity about her life that provides covering for her and protects her. And it\u2019s a wise woman who understands her man, so she can smile at the future; and you equip women to better do that, Shaunti. <br><br>Personally, I would commend this to any wife, whether you have been married a week, a month, a year\u201410, 20, 30, 40\u2014whatever. This is going to uncover some points of understanding that will make you a better wife and put some wind beneath your husband\u2019s wings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m sorry. I was going to say something here, but I was just in neural rest phase and was thinking about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are going to be some guys order.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014thinking about nothing. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> They are going to call our 800 number, Bob, or go online and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cGive me the neural rest book.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI want the neural\u2014give me that thing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Neural rest state.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> There you go. Write it down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is all part of what is in the new version of Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s book, <em>For Women Only<\/em>, where you\u2019ve done some new research. You\u2019ve found out some new things about the differences between men and women. And many of our listeners are familiar with the book. I\u2019ve mentioned that I\u2019ve given this away over the years to a lot of couples who are engaged and have gotten great response from them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>So if you\u2019d like the latest, the new updated copy of the book, <em>For Women Only<\/em>, or the new updated <em>For Men Only<\/em>, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for information on either book; and you can order from us online. Again, the website, FamilyLifeToday.com; or order by phone at 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis past weekend I was speaking at the FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> in Indianapolis, Indiana\u2014had a great weekend. Hundreds of couples from all across the region were there in downtown Indianapolis. We really enjoyed our time up there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it\u2019s always fun to talk to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners and had a lot of them come up at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and express their appreciation for this radio program\u2014even had some of our Legacy Partners who came up and said, \u201cWe support the ministry on a monthly basis,\u201d and we appreciate all of you who listen and all of you who help pay the bills because we are listener-supported. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>The cost for producing and syndicating this program is covered by folks who donate to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. It\u2019s not covered by the books we sell or the conferences we host. Without listeners going online to make an online donation or calling 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone, we could not continue this ministry. So we appreciate those of you who do support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis week, if you are able to help with a donation to support the ministry, we\u2019d love to send you as a thank you gift a CD on the subject of addictions. We had a conversation not long ago with Ed Welch who wrote the book, <em>Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave<\/em>; and with the movie that has just come out this weekend in theaters called <em>Home Run<\/em> that\u2019s all about substance abuse and addiction to alcohol, we thought this CD might be something that you\u2019d want to have or to pass along to a friend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>So, go to FamilyLifeToday.com, click the button that says, \u201cI CARE,\u201d to make an online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, make a donation over the phone, request the CD on addictions when you get in touch with us. Again, we appreciate your support of the ministry. We\u2019re always happy to hear from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk more with Shaunti Feldhahn about the differences between men and women. We\u2019ll talk about women tomorrow and some of the new research that she\u2019s done into those differences between the sexes. I hope you can be here for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. 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