{"id":302720,"date":"2013-04-22T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-04-22T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/understanding-the-differences\/"},"modified":"2013-04-22T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-04-22T15:00:00","slug":"understanding-the-differences","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-the-differences\/","title":{"rendered":"Understanding the Differences"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>There\u2019s no denying that men and women are different. But do you realize HOW different?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-22.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.66M","filesize_raw":"25856344","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2862],"tags":[2916,2985,4001],"podcast_series":[7940],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302720","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-differences","tag-men","tag-understanding-differences","tag-women","podcast_series-for-men-and-women-only","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302720\/understanding-the-differences","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302720\/understanding-the-differences","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Fth3naEjFy\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-the-differences\/\">Understanding the Differences<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-the-differences\/embed\/#?secret=Fth3naEjFy\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Understanding the Differences&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Fth3naEjFy\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-22.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-22.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>A decade ago, when author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn was looking at the differences between men and women, there was one piece of data that she found really startling, one way in which men are very different than women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Three out of four men said if they had to make a choice - which they wouldn\u2019t want to have to make, but if they had to \u2013 they would actually choose to give up feeling that their wife loved them if they could just feel that she respected them and that she believed in them and trusted them and admired them and appreciated them. All those things are more important, it turns out, to the average man, even than feeling that his wife loves him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, April 22<sup>nd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll spend some time today with Shaunti Feldhahn reviewing the research she did almost a decade ago about the differences between men and women. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. You know, you would think after 20 years of marriage, you\u2019d have most of the big stuff figured out, wouldn\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No! (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I thought so.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did you have it figured out? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I thought that we had a lot of it figured out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Why haven\u2019t you said this before on national radio?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When we came . . . The day I came home to Mary Ann \u2013 and this was almost a decade ago \u2013 I came home and I said . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> From your honeymoon?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, this was after we\u2019d been married for 20 plus years at the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s when you <em>think<\/em> you know it all is when you come home from . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We thought we had it all figured out, but I handed her a copy of the book <em>For Women Only<\/em> by Shaunti Feldhahn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I said, \u201cWe just interviewed Shaunti Feldhahn. You might be interested in this book.\u201d I remember her buying copies of the book to give to our daughters and others and saying, \u201cI think I knew it, but I understand you better now.\u201d I thought, \u201cReally?\u201d We\u2019d lived together for 20 plus years, and a book helped her understand me better? But it did help her understand me better.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, it helped Shaunti. I\u2019m going to welcome her back to the broadcast. Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s always great to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019re coming up on 20 years here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. We\u2019re coming up on 19 pretty soon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You and Jeff have been married since 1994 and have two children. You\u2019ve authored a number of books. You\u2019re featured in FamilyLife\u2019s <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> that has touched over 1,000 women\u2019s groups across the country and over 12,000 people have participated in that. You have made another run at this book, <em>For Women Only <\/em>and <em>For Men Only.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat Bob and I wanted to do was just kind of take you back to the genesis of that research project you did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Back when you had your marriage figured out. You remember.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, right! Absolutely \u2013 one of those days. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s where I was going with this. I was going to ask you, \u201cSo, at the time you\u2019d been married a little over a decade. Did this help you a bunch?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It helped me so much, partly because this was all stuff that I didn\u2019t know that I didn\u2019t know about men. I was shocked once I stumbled over this stuff. I started asking Jeff, \u201cIs this true?\u201d He was getting this look on his face like, \u201cYou mean you didn\u2019t know this before about me as a guy?\u201d It\u2019s life-changing!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> In your book, <em>For Women Only, <\/em>you said this research helped you discover seven revelations. Now, this is not on par with the revelations of Scripture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> But it was an \u201caha moment\u201d for you; these seven revelations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, there basically were these things that I identified. I had started to do all of this research, which I can explain in a minute if you want me to, and realizing it really came down to the fact that there were these seven things that were these kind of narrow, simple, little things, but I just didn\u2019t know them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey had a really big impact. So, a big impact for negative if you don\u2019t know them and you\u2019re stumbling over these things every day and hurting your husband\u2019s feelings and you have no idea; or, once you\u2019re aware of these things and you get that light bulb moment, it can change so much about your relationship. It doesn\u2019t have to be rocket science. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Before you recap the seven . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Where did the idea come from \u2013 do you remember - to even dig into this in the first place?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, I actually stumbled over it because I was writing a novel. I actually had the opportunity after I left my time as a Wall Street analyst for a number of years. When I moved down to Atlanta, I had the chance to write a couple of novels. One of the main characters in this novel I was writing was a man. He was this good, decent husband and father; that\u2019s the way I painted this character.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou realize as a woman how little you know about how you men think when you have to put thoughts in a guy\u2019s head. I had to put thoughts in this male character\u2019s head and I had no idea what a guy would be thinking. So this whole thing started because I would talk to Jeff or I would talk to a male colleague or friends and say, \u201cOkay, here\u2019s this scene in the book. I have to say what my main male character would be thinking. I have no idea. What would you be thinking if this was you?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I started hearing these things and I said, \u201cReally?!\u201d (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019d think like that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That\u2019s what you\u2019re thinking? And I realized somewhere along the way, as I started to record more of these interviews, that what I was hearing wasn\u2019t just really surprising. It was very surprising, but what was more important, I realized, was that it was really foundational stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe stuff that I was hearing weren\u2019t things that the guys said that they sort of thought off in a corner; or that once every three months it kind of came up. These thoughts that the men were describing were things that they thought and they felt every day, and multiple times a day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt that point I had probably been married close to ten years and I thought, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t I know this before!?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s what Mary Ann was saying when she read the book and she said, \u201cI guess I kind of knew this, but I didn\u2019t realize just how core it is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember her getting the book and saying she had highlighted a part. She said, \u201cIs this real?\u201d And I said, \u201cWell, yes; that pretty much captures it.\u201d She said, \u201cRegularly you think this way and feel this way?!\u201d I said, \u201cYes.\u201d It was transformative for her because she just realized how central it was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think we make a big deal out of \u2013 or at least we have here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> \u2013 how men do not understand how a woman thinks. It really is a novel thought that you brought to the party here. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The other way around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> . . . that maybe women don\u2019t fully understand the way a man thinks. I appreciate your honesty about that. I\u2019ll just take you back for a second. You\u2019ve spoken to hundreds of women\u2019s groups all around the country. On a one to ten point scale, average it out. The average wife knows how her husband thinks \u2013 \u201c10,\u201d which would be \u201cshe\u2019s all over it; she understands; she\u2019s got it\u201d all the way down to \u201c1,\u201d she\u2019s clueless. Where would you generally put women today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, you\u2019re going to get me in trouble here, Dennis. Goodness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, honestly, about the stuff that <em>doesn\u2019t <\/em>matter as much, I think probably most women are very perceptive and good at gauging relationships, you know? So, probably for the stuff that doesn\u2019t matter, it would probably be a seven or an eight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome of this stuff that matters<em> a ton<\/em>, the inner stuff that he doesn\u2019t know how to articulate, probably a three.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That\u2019s why it\u2019s so powerful once your eyes are opened to just a few little things you didn\u2019t know before. These are little things, but they have a pretty big impact.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So which one of the seven was the biggest \u201caha\u201d for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, without a question, it was the fact that men aren\u2019t as confident as they look; that there is so much vulnerability inside my husband, and I had no idea. That he was questioning with this sort of sense of, \u201cDo I measure up? Am I any good as a husband? I want to be a great husband. I want to be a great dad. I want to be a great businessman, but I\u2019m really not sure I know exactly what I\u2019m doing. Am I making her happy? Am I not? Am I any good at this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s like a raw nerve and we, as women, can hit that nerve without realizing that\u2019s what we\u2019re doing. Oh my goodness! I did that all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I remember feeling that, first of all, as a husband, when I got married. I just thought I would make it up with intensity, you know? Just try harder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Talk louder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, really. That didn\u2019t work. What I had to do was become a student of men who were ahead of me in the race of life. And then we had a baby; we had Ashley after a couple of years, which changed the dynamics tremendously. When they handed us Ashley, they didn\u2019t hand instructions to me as a man, husband, and father about this new transition. Boy, that was a big adjustment, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here was what was interesting for me \u2013 and this came out of the conversation we first had on the book <em>For Women Only<\/em> \u2013 I realized that as a man, all men want to play games where they can win. Okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If I go out to play golf regularly and I\u2019m just no good at golf, I\u2019m going to quit playing golf, right? The same is true in the skills of life. If I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m winning, I\u2019ll just quit that game. So for Mary Ann and me, we had to realize that if she is constantly saying, \u201cYou\u2019re not winning here; you\u2019re not winning here,\u201d that doesn\u2019t spur me to do better; that just spurs me to shut down and get out of that game. Why am I going to keep playing if I keep losing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And here\u2019s the thing for us women; and this is why I say that in some of these we have a three out of ten in cluelessness level. Mary Ann, just like me, I\u2019m sure had no intention of sending you that message and didn\u2019t feel that way, but had no idea that we do this and we hit the nerve and we send that message that, \u201cNo, you don\u2019t measure up as a matter of fact,\u201d when we would never intend to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome of the simplest little things like--and this is going to be silly--one guy said, \u201cAny time a woman starts a sentence with, \u2018Why did you . . .?\u2019\u201d \u2013 you know, \u201cWhy did you do this?!\u201d The man said in the man\u2019s mind just add onto the end of the sentence a comma, \u201cyou dodo!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know, just \u201cWhy did you do this, you dodo?\u201d And that\u2019s not what we\u2019re saying, but because he\u2019s dealing with this question of \u201cDo I know what I\u2019m doing?\u201d that\u2019s what he\u2019s hearing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Here\u2019s the issue: marriages go through different stages or seasons in the journey. I talked about how I was insecure early on as I started out as a husband and a father. There are new seasons that bring on new insecurities. So it\u2019s not that a wife arrives in understanding her man. These insecurities can pop up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you empty the nest, too, it\u2019s a fascinating time. You\u2019re not there, Shaunti, but your seven are very applicable to a wife better loving her man in that time when the children are gone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Beyond insecurity, what were the other major findings in the first edition of the book <em>For Women Only<\/em>?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, the most important one to me that comes out of that insecurity is how important respect is to a guy. I was really surprised, on my survey, when three out of four men said if they had to make a choice - which they wouldn\u2019t want to have to make, but if they had to \u2013 they would actually choose to give up feeling that their wife loved them if they could just feel that she respected them and that she believed in them and trusted them and admired them and appreciated them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll those things are more important, it turns out, to the average man, even than feeling that his wife loves him. That was a huge shocker to me, but it makes sense. If you\u2019re dealing with this sense of \u201cDo I measure up? Do I know what I\u2019m doing?\u201d then you\u2019re going to be so touched by the feeling that this person respects you. I was shocked to find out that the most painful feeling for a guy is feeling inadequate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnything that hits that \u2013 \u201cI think you are inadequate\u201d \u2013 oh! For a guy, that\u2019s his version of feeling unloved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, is it different? I presume it\u2019s different \u2013 a woman would say, three out of four times, \u201cI\u2019d rather be loved than respected\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s usually flipped. Actually, the numbers are higher usually on the woman\u2019s side. Nobody wants either of these feelings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Obviously. But, if you had to, most women would say, \u201cYou know what? I will feel inadequate; just don\u2019t make me feel unloved.\u201d That, to them, is what they would give up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We don\u2019t need to do research to confirm what the Scripture teaches, but it is interesting, in Ephesians, chapter five \u2013 the last verse on a very famous passage that Paul wrote to husbands and wives about their relationship. He says, \u201cHowever, let each one of you love his wife as himself\u201d--there\u2019s the love piece\u2014\u201cand let the wife see that she respects her husband.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, it\u2019s interesting. You did research to really bring us back to the Scripture that is trying to teach women that respect really is the greatest need of a man. If she undercuts him, doesn\u2019t believe in him, is unhappy with him, critical of what he does, then it\u2019s going to affect his confidence level in who he is as a man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, the men told me \u2013 and this was one of the most powerful things \u2013 there was this feeling that they couldn\u2019t really <em>be <\/em>that strong, respectable, trustworthy man they wanted to be without the sense that the most important person in his life is choosing to believe the best of him, even when he makes mistakes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s no \u201cout\u201d clause in that passage of Scripture that says \u201c<em>if <\/em>he does everything right.\u201d No, you need to demonstrate respect for him. That\u2019s because God knows that\u2019s what men most need. That will build them up to be the man that they want to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So how have you counseled women over the years who have said, \u201cBut my husband!\" There\u2019s just so little there that I can affirm. He\u2019s making mistakes right and left.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, actually it\u2019s interesting. Really one of the main people is a friend of yours who gave me some great counsel on this. Nancy Leigh DeMoss and I were sitting in the recording studio down the hall from here doing a show on this a number of years ago. She said, \u201cWe have so many of these women who call into me. I\u2019m going to issue what I\u2019ll call \u2018The 30-day Challenge\u2019.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I saw the results of this, I called her and said, \u201cNancy, I just have to steal this. I\u2019m sorry, because this is so impactful.\u201d So here\u2019s what she said and what I have seen now to be so vital: She said, \u201cYou know, for the next 30 days, if you\u2019re concerned about the fact that you really can\u2019t find . . . you know, he\u2019s making all of these mistakes. For the next 30 days, don\u2019t sayanything negative about your husband, either to him or about him to somebody else; nothing negative \u2013 not to your girlfriend or your mom or anybody.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAnd, for the next 30 days, find one thing, even if it\u2019s just one thing that you can affirm about him, that you can appreciate, and tell him; tell your girlfriend and your mom. Every day; do these things for the next 30 days.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens is that it\u2019s Philippians four. It\u2019s suddenly, instead of sitting in a prison . . . You know, Paul was in a prison chained to a wall and he\u2019s saying, \u201cRejoice!\u201d How do you do that? Well, think on whatever is lovely. Think on whatever is excellent and true and worthy of praise. Suddenly, you do this with your man and your feelings start changing. Suddenly, instead of saying, \u201cWell, there\u2019s nothing I can affirm,\u201d well actually, yes, there is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSuddenly, you see all of these things that are praiseworthy. Suddenly, all of the stuff that used to bother you just doesn\u2019t bother you as much anymore. Even if there are some very legitimate issues, you see all of these great things and the man is built up to be the man he wants to be for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I would add to this, ask your husband in the process, \u201cWhat communicates respect to you?\u201d Because it may not be that your words are the most powerful things that communicate respect to him. There may be attitudes, actions, things you do for him. We\u2019re all individual people; it\u2019s not one size fits all but, as you take these thirty days find out what communicates to him that you respect him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow let\u2019s talk about what you found out in your other book, <em>For Men Only, <\/em>where you did some research on women and shared that with the guys. You found some things that the guys needed to know as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, Jeff and I did the research on this a couple of years later to identify, \u201cWhat are the things that guys just don\u2019t get about their wives?\u201d Now, most guys say, \u201cEverything.\u201d You know, it\u2019s sort of a joke amongst men. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But we actually have found a few things that, to me, are very simple and very high leverage. And when I say \u201chigh leverage\u201d--sorry, I\u2019m using a Wall Street term--it\u2019s that you have a few little changes and it can have some really big impacts. Of course, everybody likes that, especially guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know, \u201cGive me the keys.\u201d One of them is back to this whole respect and love thing. You see, guys know that a woman wants to feel loved. What most husbands don\u2019t know is how easy it is for his wife to <em>not <\/em>feel loved and that there\u2019s a difference that we discovered. Men, when you get married and you see her walk down the aisle and say, \u201cI do,\u201d it doesn\u2019t come up in your mind again after that; \u201cDoes she love me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The deal is done; the prize is won, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Exactly. It\u2019s this big surprise for men to find out that that\u2019s not the case for women at all. There\u2019s no switch in a woman\u2019s brain that gets flipped to this \u201cOh, now I feel permanently loved\u201d position. Instead, what we\u2019ve actually found is the reverse of that: that running underneath the surface is this question, this latent insecurity, which says, \u201cDoes he really love me? Am I loveable? Would he choose me all over again?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s kind of how it comes out. In a great relationship, a confident woman, it doesn\u2019t come up except when it\u2019s triggered when you guys have a conflict and you hurt each other\u2019s feelings over breakfast. It kind of rises up in her; rises up and she thinks, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d You go off to work and it\u2019s like, \u201cClick.\u201d You\u2019re not thinking about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor her, that\u2019s been triggered. It\u2019s in her mind and it\u2019s like this feeling that nothing is right with the world until that\u2019s resolved. So there\u2019s an enormous need for guys to know that she\u2019s wondering, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d It\u2019s so cool for guys once they see that if they just reassure their wives, \u201cWe\u2019re going to be okay,\u201d it makes a big difference in making her feel loved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I love one of the others that you had; I just had to smile. You said the survey revealed that women have multiple windows open on the computer of their mind at the same time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn other words, their radar is up in all kinds of directions. They\u2019re cooking dinner, they\u2019re solving spats between the kids, they\u2019re thinking about what the husband is doing as he comes in the front door. They\u2019re able to multi-task, when we as men are pretty singular. Yet, the more a man gets this and understands this about his wife, the more he can appreciate her gifts and her abilities and esteem her as the one he loves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, one great thing for guys to realize is that, for you as a man, you tend to give this advice that to you makes perfect sense. If she is bothered because her best friend didn\u2019t call her back and she\u2019s worried \u201cAre we having an argument?\u201d he gives this fantastic advice: \u201cHoney, just don\u2019t think about it; just don\u2019t let it bother you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me as a woman it\u2019s like, \u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How do you do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> How do you shut the windows down?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that really hits on another one that you had, which is listening is the solution. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> A lot of men don\u2019t appreciate how important listening is to his wife. They\u2019ve got to be attentive to this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well I\u2019m really glad you\u2019re taking another pass at this book because both of these books have sold over three million copies and they\u2019re going to encourage a lot of our listeners. I just want to conclude by rereading what Paul said, again, in Ephesians, chapter five: \u201cHowever, let each of you love his wife as himself\u201d \u2013 that would solve a lot of problems \u2013 \u201cand let the wife see that she respect her husband.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out how you can love and respect and do the dance of marriage together, following the Scriptures.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You talked about Shaunti taking another pass at this. These books first came out back in 2004 (<em>For Women Only<\/em>) and in 2006 (<em>For Men Only<\/em>). Since that time, there\u2019s been some new learning. So what has just recently been released. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think Shaunti has had some new learning. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We all have. Since that time, what\u2019s happened is that there\u2019s a revised and an updated version of both books and this week we\u2019re going to spend some time talking about some of the new stuff that you\u2019ve learned about men and that you\u2019ve learned about women. Our listeners may want to get the updated versions of <em>For Men Only <\/em>and <em>For Women Only<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, we\u2019ve got them in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. You can go online to get a copy of either or both of these books. I\u2019ll just mention we have given these books to a lot of couples who are engaged to help them understand the different ways men and women think and act so that they can be ready for that and so that they can love each other well through those differences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and look for copies of the book <em>For Women Only <\/em>or <em>For Men Only<\/em>, the revised, updated versions of those books. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call toll-free to order copies of either book, or you can order both books together if you\u2019d like. Again, our toll-free number is 1-800-FLTODAY; that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, we want to say thanks to our Legacy Partners and to friends of the ministry who will, from time to time, help with donations to support this ministry. <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>could not do what we do on the air, online, or through our various resources and all of the ministries that we have going on at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; we could not do it without your financial support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re listener-supported and the cost for producing and syndicating this daily radio program is covered by folks like you who help support us with donations to keep the program on the air and keep the website up and operating as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month we have been making available a thank you gift to those of you who can make a donation to support the ministry. The thank you gift is a CD that features a conversation we had with Dr. Ed Welch about the subject of addictions and addictive behavior; helping us understand the spiritual core of addictions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know how many folks had a chance to go out this weekend and see the movie <em>Home Run <\/em>in movie theaters, but it deals with the subject of alcohol and substance abuse issues. Maybe you\u2019d like to get a copy of this CD with Ed Welch. Again, it\u2019s our thank you gift as you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the button that says \u201cI CARE\u201d to make an online donation, or call 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 When you get in touch with us, ask for the CD on addictions. We\u2019ll be happy to send it out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019re very grateful for your partnership with us here in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We always enjoy hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back tomorrow when we\u2019re going to look at men; why men think and act the way we do, and some of the new findings that are part of Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s revised edition of the book, <em>For Women Only. <\/em>That comes up tomorrow; I hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.66M"],"filesize_raw":["25856344"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302720.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302720.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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no denying that men and women are different. But do you realize HOW different?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-04-22.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>A decade ago, when author and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn was looking at the differences between men and women, there was one piece of data that she found really startling, one way in which men are very different than women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Three out of four men said if they had to make a choice - which they wouldn\u2019t want to have to make, but if they had to \u2013 they would actually choose to give up feeling that their wife loved them if they could just feel that she respected them and that she believed in them and trusted them and admired them and appreciated them. All those things are more important, it turns out, to the average man, even than feeling that his wife loves him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, April 22<sup>nd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll spend some time today with Shaunti Feldhahn reviewing the research she did almost a decade ago about the differences between men and women. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. You know, you would think after 20 years of marriage, you\u2019d have most of the big stuff figured out, wouldn\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No! (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I thought so.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did you have it figured out? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I thought that we had a lot of it figured out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Why haven\u2019t you said this before on national radio?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When we came . . . The day I came home to Mary Ann \u2013 and this was almost a decade ago \u2013 I came home and I said . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> From your honeymoon?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, this was after we\u2019d been married for 20 plus years at the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s when you <em>think<\/em> you know it all is when you come home from . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We thought we had it all figured out, but I handed her a copy of the book <em>For Women Only<\/em> by Shaunti Feldhahn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I said, \u201cWe just interviewed Shaunti Feldhahn. You might be interested in this book.\u201d I remember her buying copies of the book to give to our daughters and others and saying, \u201cI think I knew it, but I understand you better now.\u201d I thought, \u201cReally?\u201d We\u2019d lived together for 20 plus years, and a book helped her understand me better? But it did help her understand me better.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, it helped Shaunti. I\u2019m going to welcome her back to the broadcast. Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It\u2019s always great to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019re coming up on 20 years here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. We\u2019re coming up on 19 pretty soon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You and Jeff have been married since 1994 and have two children. You\u2019ve authored a number of books. You\u2019re featured in FamilyLife\u2019s <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> that has touched over 1,000 women\u2019s groups across the country and over 12,000 people have participated in that. You have made another run at this book, <em>For Women Only <\/em>and <em>For Men Only.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat Bob and I wanted to do was just kind of take you back to the genesis of that research project you did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Back when you had your marriage figured out. You remember.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, right! Absolutely \u2013 one of those days. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s where I was going with this. I was going to ask you, \u201cSo, at the time you\u2019d been married a little over a decade. Did this help you a bunch?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> It helped me so much, partly because this was all stuff that I didn\u2019t know that I didn\u2019t know about men. I was shocked once I stumbled over this stuff. I started asking Jeff, \u201cIs this true?\u201d He was getting this look on his face like, \u201cYou mean you didn\u2019t know this before about me as a guy?\u201d It\u2019s life-changing!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> In your book, <em>For Women Only, <\/em>you said this research helped you discover seven revelations. Now, this is not on par with the revelations of Scripture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> No. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> But it was an \u201caha moment\u201d for you; these seven revelations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, there basically were these things that I identified. I had started to do all of this research, which I can explain in a minute if you want me to, and realizing it really came down to the fact that there were these seven things that were these kind of narrow, simple, little things, but I just didn\u2019t know them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey had a really big impact. So, a big impact for negative if you don\u2019t know them and you\u2019re stumbling over these things every day and hurting your husband\u2019s feelings and you have no idea; or, once you\u2019re aware of these things and you get that light bulb moment, it can change so much about your relationship. It doesn\u2019t have to be rocket science. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Before you recap the seven . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Where did the idea come from \u2013 do you remember - to even dig into this in the first place?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, I actually stumbled over it because I was writing a novel. I actually had the opportunity after I left my time as a Wall Street analyst for a number of years. When I moved down to Atlanta, I had the chance to write a couple of novels. One of the main characters in this novel I was writing was a man. He was this good, decent husband and father; that\u2019s the way I painted this character.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou realize as a woman how little you know about how you men think when you have to put thoughts in a guy\u2019s head. I had to put thoughts in this male character\u2019s head and I had no idea what a guy would be thinking. So this whole thing started because I would talk to Jeff or I would talk to a male colleague or friends and say, \u201cOkay, here\u2019s this scene in the book. I have to say what my main male character would be thinking. I have no idea. What would you be thinking if this was you?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I started hearing these things and I said, \u201cReally?!\u201d (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019d think like that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That\u2019s what you\u2019re thinking? And I realized somewhere along the way, as I started to record more of these interviews, that what I was hearing wasn\u2019t just really surprising. It was very surprising, but what was more important, I realized, was that it was really foundational stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe stuff that I was hearing weren\u2019t things that the guys said that they sort of thought off in a corner; or that once every three months it kind of came up. These thoughts that the men were describing were things that they thought and they felt every day, and multiple times a day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt that point I had probably been married close to ten years and I thought, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t I know this before!?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s what Mary Ann was saying when she read the book and she said, \u201cI guess I kind of knew this, but I didn\u2019t realize just how core it is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember her getting the book and saying she had highlighted a part. She said, \u201cIs this real?\u201d And I said, \u201cWell, yes; that pretty much captures it.\u201d She said, \u201cRegularly you think this way and feel this way?!\u201d I said, \u201cYes.\u201d It was transformative for her because she just realized how central it was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think we make a big deal out of \u2013 or at least we have here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> \u2013 how men do not understand how a woman thinks. It really is a novel thought that you brought to the party here. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The other way around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> . . . that maybe women don\u2019t fully understand the way a man thinks. I appreciate your honesty about that. I\u2019ll just take you back for a second. You\u2019ve spoken to hundreds of women\u2019s groups all around the country. On a one to ten point scale, average it out. The average wife knows how her husband thinks \u2013 \u201c10,\u201d which would be \u201cshe\u2019s all over it; she understands; she\u2019s got it\u201d all the way down to \u201c1,\u201d she\u2019s clueless. Where would you generally put women today?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, you\u2019re going to get me in trouble here, Dennis. Goodness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, honestly, about the stuff that <em>doesn\u2019t <\/em>matter as much, I think probably most women are very perceptive and good at gauging relationships, you know? So, probably for the stuff that doesn\u2019t matter, it would probably be a seven or an eight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome of this stuff that matters<em> a ton<\/em>, the inner stuff that he doesn\u2019t know how to articulate, probably a three.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That\u2019s why it\u2019s so powerful once your eyes are opened to just a few little things you didn\u2019t know before. These are little things, but they have a pretty big impact.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So which one of the seven was the biggest \u201caha\u201d for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh, without a question, it was the fact that men aren\u2019t as confident as they look; that there is so much vulnerability inside my husband, and I had no idea. That he was questioning with this sort of sense of, \u201cDo I measure up? Am I any good as a husband? I want to be a great husband. I want to be a great dad. I want to be a great businessman, but I\u2019m really not sure I know exactly what I\u2019m doing. Am I making her happy? Am I not? Am I any good at this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s like a raw nerve and we, as women, can hit that nerve without realizing that\u2019s what we\u2019re doing. Oh my goodness! I did that all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I remember feeling that, first of all, as a husband, when I got married. I just thought I would make it up with intensity, you know? Just try harder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Talk louder.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, really. That didn\u2019t work. What I had to do was become a student of men who were ahead of me in the race of life. And then we had a baby; we had Ashley after a couple of years, which changed the dynamics tremendously. When they handed us Ashley, they didn\u2019t hand instructions to me as a man, husband, and father about this new transition. Boy, that was a big adjustment, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here was what was interesting for me \u2013 and this came out of the conversation we first had on the book <em>For Women Only<\/em> \u2013 I realized that as a man, all men want to play games where they can win. Okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If I go out to play golf regularly and I\u2019m just no good at golf, I\u2019m going to quit playing golf, right? The same is true in the skills of life. If I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m winning, I\u2019ll just quit that game. So for Mary Ann and me, we had to realize that if she is constantly saying, \u201cYou\u2019re not winning here; you\u2019re not winning here,\u201d that doesn\u2019t spur me to do better; that just spurs me to shut down and get out of that game. Why am I going to keep playing if I keep losing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And here\u2019s the thing for us women; and this is why I say that in some of these we have a three out of ten in cluelessness level. Mary Ann, just like me, I\u2019m sure had no intention of sending you that message and didn\u2019t feel that way, but had no idea that we do this and we hit the nerve and we send that message that, \u201cNo, you don\u2019t measure up as a matter of fact,\u201d when we would never intend to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome of the simplest little things like--and this is going to be silly--one guy said, \u201cAny time a woman starts a sentence with, \u2018Why did you . . .?\u2019\u201d \u2013 you know, \u201cWhy did you do this?!\u201d The man said in the man\u2019s mind just add onto the end of the sentence a comma, \u201cyou dodo!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know, just \u201cWhy did you do this, you dodo?\u201d And that\u2019s not what we\u2019re saying, but because he\u2019s dealing with this question of \u201cDo I know what I\u2019m doing?\u201d that\u2019s what he\u2019s hearing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Here\u2019s the issue: marriages go through different stages or seasons in the journey. I talked about how I was insecure early on as I started out as a husband and a father. There are new seasons that bring on new insecurities. So it\u2019s not that a wife arrives in understanding her man. These insecurities can pop up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you empty the nest, too, it\u2019s a fascinating time. You\u2019re not there, Shaunti, but your seven are very applicable to a wife better loving her man in that time when the children are gone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Beyond insecurity, what were the other major findings in the first edition of the book <em>For Women Only<\/em>?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, the most important one to me that comes out of that insecurity is how important respect is to a guy. I was really surprised, on my survey, when three out of four men said if they had to make a choice - which they wouldn\u2019t want to have to make, but if they had to \u2013 they would actually choose to give up feeling that their wife loved them if they could just feel that she respected them and that she believed in them and trusted them and admired them and appreciated them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll those things are more important, it turns out, to the average man, even than feeling that his wife loves him. That was a huge shocker to me, but it makes sense. If you\u2019re dealing with this sense of \u201cDo I measure up? Do I know what I\u2019m doing?\u201d then you\u2019re going to be so touched by the feeling that this person respects you. I was shocked to find out that the most painful feeling for a guy is feeling inadequate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnything that hits that \u2013 \u201cI think you are inadequate\u201d \u2013 oh! For a guy, that\u2019s his version of feeling unloved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, is it different? I presume it\u2019s different \u2013 a woman would say, three out of four times, \u201cI\u2019d rather be loved than respected\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s usually flipped. Actually, the numbers are higher usually on the woman\u2019s side. Nobody wants either of these feelings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Obviously. But, if you had to, most women would say, \u201cYou know what? I will feel inadequate; just don\u2019t make me feel unloved.\u201d That, to them, is what they would give up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We don\u2019t need to do research to confirm what the Scripture teaches, but it is interesting, in Ephesians, chapter five \u2013 the last verse on a very famous passage that Paul wrote to husbands and wives about their relationship. He says, \u201cHowever, let each one of you love his wife as himself\u201d--there\u2019s the love piece\u2014\u201cand let the wife see that she respects her husband.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, it\u2019s interesting. You did research to really bring us back to the Scripture that is trying to teach women that respect really is the greatest need of a man. If she undercuts him, doesn\u2019t believe in him, is unhappy with him, critical of what he does, then it\u2019s going to affect his confidence level in who he is as a man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, the men told me \u2013 and this was one of the most powerful things \u2013 there was this feeling that they couldn\u2019t really <em>be <\/em>that strong, respectable, trustworthy man they wanted to be without the sense that the most important person in his life is choosing to believe the best of him, even when he makes mistakes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s no \u201cout\u201d clause in that passage of Scripture that says \u201c<em>if <\/em>he does everything right.\u201d No, you need to demonstrate respect for him. That\u2019s because God knows that\u2019s what men most need. That will build them up to be the man that they want to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So how have you counseled women over the years who have said, \u201cBut my husband!\" There\u2019s just so little there that I can affirm. He\u2019s making mistakes right and left.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, actually it\u2019s interesting. Really one of the main people is a friend of yours who gave me some great counsel on this. Nancy Leigh DeMoss and I were sitting in the recording studio down the hall from here doing a show on this a number of years ago. She said, \u201cWe have so many of these women who call into me. I\u2019m going to issue what I\u2019ll call \u2018The 30-day Challenge\u2019.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I saw the results of this, I called her and said, \u201cNancy, I just have to steal this. I\u2019m sorry, because this is so impactful.\u201d So here\u2019s what she said and what I have seen now to be so vital: She said, \u201cYou know, for the next 30 days, if you\u2019re concerned about the fact that you really can\u2019t find . . . you know, he\u2019s making all of these mistakes. For the next 30 days, don\u2019t sayanything negative about your husband, either to him or about him to somebody else; nothing negative \u2013 not to your girlfriend or your mom or anybody.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAnd, for the next 30 days, find one thing, even if it\u2019s just one thing that you can affirm about him, that you can appreciate, and tell him; tell your girlfriend and your mom. Every day; do these things for the next 30 days.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens is that it\u2019s Philippians four. It\u2019s suddenly, instead of sitting in a prison . . . You know, Paul was in a prison chained to a wall and he\u2019s saying, \u201cRejoice!\u201d How do you do that? Well, think on whatever is lovely. Think on whatever is excellent and true and worthy of praise. Suddenly, you do this with your man and your feelings start changing. Suddenly, instead of saying, \u201cWell, there\u2019s nothing I can affirm,\u201d well actually, yes, there is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSuddenly, you see all of these things that are praiseworthy. Suddenly, all of the stuff that used to bother you just doesn\u2019t bother you as much anymore. Even if there are some very legitimate issues, you see all of these great things and the man is built up to be the man he wants to be for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I would add to this, ask your husband in the process, \u201cWhat communicates respect to you?\u201d Because it may not be that your words are the most powerful things that communicate respect to him. There may be attitudes, actions, things you do for him. We\u2019re all individual people; it\u2019s not one size fits all but, as you take these thirty days find out what communicates to him that you respect him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow let\u2019s talk about what you found out in your other book, <em>For Men Only, <\/em>where you did some research on women and shared that with the guys. You found some things that the guys needed to know as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, Jeff and I did the research on this a couple of years later to identify, \u201cWhat are the things that guys just don\u2019t get about their wives?\u201d Now, most guys say, \u201cEverything.\u201d You know, it\u2019s sort of a joke amongst men. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But we actually have found a few things that, to me, are very simple and very high leverage. And when I say \u201chigh leverage\u201d--sorry, I\u2019m using a Wall Street term--it\u2019s that you have a few little changes and it can have some really big impacts. Of course, everybody likes that, especially guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You know, \u201cGive me the keys.\u201d One of them is back to this whole respect and love thing. You see, guys know that a woman wants to feel loved. What most husbands don\u2019t know is how easy it is for his wife to <em>not <\/em>feel loved and that there\u2019s a difference that we discovered. Men, when you get married and you see her walk down the aisle and say, \u201cI do,\u201d it doesn\u2019t come up in your mind again after that; \u201cDoes she love me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The deal is done; the prize is won, right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Exactly. It\u2019s this big surprise for men to find out that that\u2019s not the case for women at all. There\u2019s no switch in a woman\u2019s brain that gets flipped to this \u201cOh, now I feel permanently loved\u201d position. Instead, what we\u2019ve actually found is the reverse of that: that running underneath the surface is this question, this latent insecurity, which says, \u201cDoes he really love me? Am I loveable? Would he choose me all over again?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s kind of how it comes out. In a great relationship, a confident woman, it doesn\u2019t come up except when it\u2019s triggered when you guys have a conflict and you hurt each other\u2019s feelings over breakfast. It kind of rises up in her; rises up and she thinks, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d You go off to work and it\u2019s like, \u201cClick.\u201d You\u2019re not thinking about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor her, that\u2019s been triggered. It\u2019s in her mind and it\u2019s like this feeling that nothing is right with the world until that\u2019s resolved. So there\u2019s an enormous need for guys to know that she\u2019s wondering, \u201cAre we okay?\u201d It\u2019s so cool for guys once they see that if they just reassure their wives, \u201cWe\u2019re going to be okay,\u201d it makes a big difference in making her feel loved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I love one of the others that you had; I just had to smile. You said the survey revealed that women have multiple windows open on the computer of their mind at the same time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn other words, their radar is up in all kinds of directions. They\u2019re cooking dinner, they\u2019re solving spats between the kids, they\u2019re thinking about what the husband is doing as he comes in the front door. They\u2019re able to multi-task, when we as men are pretty singular. Yet, the more a man gets this and understands this about his wife, the more he can appreciate her gifts and her abilities and esteem her as the one he loves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, one great thing for guys to realize is that, for you as a man, you tend to give this advice that to you makes perfect sense. If she is bothered because her best friend didn\u2019t call her back and she\u2019s worried \u201cAre we having an argument?\u201d he gives this fantastic advice: \u201cHoney, just don\u2019t think about it; just don\u2019t let it bother you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me as a woman it\u2019s like, \u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How do you do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> How do you shut the windows down?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that really hits on another one that you had, which is listening is the solution. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> A lot of men don\u2019t appreciate how important listening is to his wife. They\u2019ve got to be attentive to this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well I\u2019m really glad you\u2019re taking another pass at this book because both of these books have sold over three million copies and they\u2019re going to encourage a lot of our listeners. I just want to conclude by rereading what Paul said, again, in Ephesians, chapter five: \u201cHowever, let each of you love his wife as himself\u201d \u2013 that would solve a lot of problems \u2013 \u201cand let the wife see that she respect her husband.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out how you can love and respect and do the dance of marriage together, following the Scriptures.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You talked about Shaunti taking another pass at this. These books first came out back in 2004 (<em>For Women Only<\/em>) and in 2006 (<em>For Men Only<\/em>). Since that time, there\u2019s been some new learning. So what has just recently been released. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think Shaunti has had some new learning. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We all have. Since that time, what\u2019s happened is that there\u2019s a revised and an updated version of both books and this week we\u2019re going to spend some time talking about some of the new stuff that you\u2019ve learned about men and that you\u2019ve learned about women. Our listeners may want to get the updated versions of <em>For Men Only <\/em>and <em>For Women Only<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, we\u2019ve got them in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. You can go online to get a copy of either or both of these books. I\u2019ll just mention we have given these books to a lot of couples who are engaged to help them understand the different ways men and women think and act so that they can be ready for that and so that they can love each other well through those differences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and look for copies of the book <em>For Women Only <\/em>or <em>For Men Only<\/em>, the revised, updated versions of those books. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call toll-free to order copies of either book, or you can order both books together if you\u2019d like. Again, our toll-free number is 1-800-FLTODAY; that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, we want to say thanks to our Legacy Partners and to friends of the ministry who will, from time to time, help with donations to support this ministry. <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>could not do what we do on the air, online, or through our various resources and all of the ministries that we have going on at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; we could not do it without your financial support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re listener-supported and the cost for producing and syndicating this daily radio program is covered by folks like you who help support us with donations to keep the program on the air and keep the website up and operating as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month we have been making available a thank you gift to those of you who can make a donation to support the ministry. The thank you gift is a CD that features a conversation we had with Dr. Ed Welch about the subject of addictions and addictive behavior; helping us understand the spiritual core of addictions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know how many folks had a chance to go out this weekend and see the movie <em>Home Run <\/em>in movie theaters, but it deals with the subject of alcohol and substance abuse issues. Maybe you\u2019d like to get a copy of this CD with Ed Welch. Again, it\u2019s our thank you gift as you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the button that says \u201cI CARE\u201d to make an online donation, or call 1-800-FLTODAY to make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 When you get in touch with us, ask for the CD on addictions. We\u2019ll be happy to send it out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019re very grateful for your partnership with us here in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We always enjoy hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back tomorrow when we\u2019re going to look at men; why men think and act the way we do, and some of the new findings that are part of Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s revised edition of the book, <em>For Women Only. <\/em>That comes up tomorrow; I hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife. 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