{"id":302678,"date":"2013-02-06T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-02-06T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/all-i-want-is-a-little-respect\/"},"modified":"2013-02-06T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-02-06T17:00:00","slug":"all-i-want-is-a-little-respect","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/all-i-want-is-a-little-respect\/","title":{"rendered":"All I Want is a Little Respect"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Try understanding what your husband needs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-02-06.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"30.37M","filesize_raw":"31840477","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[4714,5248],"podcast_series":[7927],"cwp_profile":[3051],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302678","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-romance","tag-romance-in-marriage","podcast_series-rekindling-the-romance-in-your-marriage","cwp_profile-dennis-and-barbara-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302678\/all-i-want-is-a-little-respect","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302678\/all-i-want-is-a-little-respect","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"u3a3mZVX4f\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/all-i-want-is-a-little-respect\/\">All I Want is a Little Respect<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/all-i-want-is-a-little-respect\/embed\/#?secret=u3a3mZVX4f\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;All I Want is a Little Respect&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"u3a3mZVX4f\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Try understanding what your husband needs.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-02-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is something profoundly spiritual that happens when a couple comes together in marital intimacy.\u00a0 Here's Barbara Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 As the Bible says, marriage is the picture of Christ's relationship with the Church.\u00a0 So, I think that, in marital intimacy, what we are longing for is\u2014we're longing for that kind of connection that we were made for, in a relationship with Him\u2014because we were made for relationship with God, and we were made for intimacy with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, February 6<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Real romance happens when two people come together, soul-to-soul.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been having this conflict over romantic music all this week.\u00a0 I really think it\u2019s time we go back to the first theme.\u00a0 Go ahead and hit the first theme music; alright?\u00a0 Here we go.\u00a0 [Jazz music]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's got a little more energy; it's got a little more mood to it than that\u2014the piano is nice, but that one's got just a little more punch; don\u2019t you think?\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Does that mean it's because you like it better?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I don't know.\u00a0 I guess it's just different situations call for different moods. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right; and when we come to the subject of rekindling the romance in your marriage\u2014where we're doing a romantic makeover of couples' marriages\u2014we certainly approach romance differently.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We've already talked this week about how a wife views romance\u2014and how she needs to feel secure, how she needs to feel loved and accepted\u2014and how a man can communicate those things to her so she can experience romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And those are really core foundational needs.\u00a0 When we talk about a romantic makeover, I think people think, you know, new pillow shams for the bed, new wallpaper\u2014and your wife is here with us\u2014Barbara\u2014wouldn't that sound like kind of a romantic makeover to you if you spruced up the bedroom a little bit?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it would be a part of it.\u00a0 That would be nice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0But when you get to the core needs\u2014that's where things like security and acceptance\u2014if that's not happening, the pillow shams aren't going to make any difference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right; it makes no difference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You can have all the candles burning, in the world\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and have all the right music\u2014whether it be piano or jazz\u2014and it's not going to change the mood because, if a woman doesn't feel loved by her husband\u2014cherished and nourished by him\u2014then she is not going to experience romance in their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is it the same for a man?\u00a0 I mean, if a woman needs security and acceptance in order to feel safe in a romantic relationship, does a man have those same needs?\u00a0 And here\u2014I would imagine that we're going to deal with some themes that may be for more mature audiences.\u00a0 Parents may decide whether their children ought to continue with this part of the conversation\u2014but does a man have those same needs for security and acceptance?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 You know, I think he does; but I think he needs them in different ways.\u00a0 He needs security.\u00a0 He needs affirmation and acceptance for who he is as a man, but I think one of the key words for a man is respect.\u00a0 In fact, in our book, <em>Rekindling the Romance<\/em>, we share the top five romantic needs of your man.\u00a0 Now, no top-five list would be true for every man, but I've talked to far too many men to know that these aren't far off\u2014if they're not 100 percent accurate.\u00a0 Let me just give those top five to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber one, he needs his wife to respect and celebrate who he is as a man and how God made him to be intimate with his wife.\u00a0 Secondly, he needs a wife to make his romantic needs a priority in their relationship.\u00a0 Third, he needs his wife to desire and make him feel wanted, from an intimate standpoint.\u00a0 He needs his wife to feel unashamed of her passion and desire for him.\u00a0 Number four, he needs his wife to be adventuresome, fun, and imaginative when it comes to intimacy.\u00a0 And, finally, he needs his wife to let him know that he did it\u2014that he was \u201cthe man\u201d\u2014that he brought her great delight and great pleasure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, those five needs that Dennis talked about are all wrapped up in marital intimacy which, obviously, as you wrote to women in your half of the book, <em>Rekindling the Romance<\/em>, you were challenging them to understand that that's an essential part of a husband's need in a relationship.\u00a0 How is that wrapped up with the whole issue of respect\u2014do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think a wife needs to understand what her husband needs before she can meet those needs.\u00a0 I think most men need to be respected for who they are, as men.\u00a0 And if she doesn't understand that, then she might say things that are belittling\u2014might do things that communicate that she doesn't appreciate who he is, as a man, and how God has wired him.\u00a0 So, I think before you can begin to take the steps that are necessary for a makeover in your relationship, you have to know what the real core is for a man.\u00a0 He needs to be respected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Does that mean that this issue of respect goes beyond intimacy\u2014it\u2019s bigger than just what goes on in marital romance?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I think it is.\u00a0 I think it's much bigger than that.\u00a0 I think it's a wife who respects her husband's manhood\u2014respects his masculinity as different from her femininity.\u00a0 We are very different people.\u00a0 As we've talked about before, it's easy for women to view their husbands through their own lenses and to expect her husband to think like she does, and respond like she does, and be upset when he doesn't.\u00a0 But a wise woman will understand that her husband is wired differently by God.\u00a0 There's a grand design for that\u2014and she will appreciate it, and accept it, and respect him for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It sounds as if you're using respect for your husband <em>and<\/em> responding with physical intimacy in a marriage as if they're interchangeable.\u00a0 Is a man saying that, \u201cFoundationally, fundamentally, if you really respect me, this is how it's going to manifest itself, primarily\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's a core issue.\u00a0 I would say this to a woman, \u201cWould you feel like you're loved, and accepted, and embraced as a woman if a man did not accept your need for a relationship with him?\u00a0 In other words, if\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014\u201che didn't spend time with you, he didn't talk much to you\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 And when you did\u2014kind of brushed it off and said, \"That's just being a woman,\" or, \"You're just the way you are, and I'm different.\"\u00a0 For a man, this issue is a core issue.\u00a0 He needs to feel like his wife not only understands how God made him but then moves beyond that to say:\u00a0 \"You know what?\u00a0 I'll change my priorities to be able to meet you and express myself to you\u2014to meet a unique need that only I can meet in your life.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Barbara, if I was to ask you: \u201cDo you admire Dennis?\u00a0 Do you respect him?\u201d\u00a0 Would you answer\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes, definitely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What do you admire about him?\u00a0 What are some of the things that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know, it's really interesting.\u00a0 I've grown in my admiration.\u00a0 When we were first dating and first married, I admired him because he was different.\u00a0 He came in and accepted me in a way that I've never been accepted before, and I felt loved.\u00a0 But as we've grown in the years of marriage, that admiration has become more specific.\u00a0 Those differences have become more specific.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, now, I can say I admire things about his character; like, for instance, he is a very generous and very giving person\u2014one of the most giving people I've ever known.\u00a0 There are things like that that I see in him that are very lacking in my life.\u00a0 It's how we balance one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What's another area?\u00a0 You admire him for his generosity and a giving person\u2014what else?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I admire his leadership, and his tenacity in work, and that he gets up and keeps going, even after days that are hard.\u00a0 I would want to just roll over in bed and pull the covers over my head and say: \"I quit!\u00a0 I'm not going back.\"\u00a0 I'd just want to retreat, and hide, and go away because it's too hard; but he keeps on.\u00a0 Those are all the kinds of qualities that God has built in him, as a leader and as a man, that I think are essence of masculinity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you express that to him very often?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Probably not often enough.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you like hearing that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes!\u00a0 Who doesn't, as a man, enjoy hearing those positive words?\u00a0 And every man needs to know, from time to time, what he does do right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 What you do right because I'll tell you what you don't do right, too; don\u2019t I?\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, if she affirms you in those things that you do right and those things she admires and respects about you, and then it comes time for the two of you to be intimate, and she's not interested or doesn't respond, does that negate all the nice things that she's said about you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It can, sure.\u00a0 I think that's true for most men.\u00a0 I think romance can be urgent and important to a man.\u00a0 For a woman, it may be important but not urgent.\u00a0 So, at the point where a man is initiating, out of a sense of urgency and importance, and his wife does not meet him at that point\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and doesn't recognize the urgency or doesn't value the urgency\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014or had some other priority\u2014like sleep\u2014on her mind; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 I think, in the mind of that man, he can begin to question whether her words of respect, around those other areas, are really true or not because, again, this area is really a core issue of how a man is affirmed, uniquely, by his wife.\u00a0 You know, a man gets affirmed about what he does by a lot of people.\u00a0 No other human being on the planet can affirm this area of a man's life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And it's the ultimate validator.\u00a0 Ultimately, it validates everything else or it negates everything else.\u00a0 You can affirm in all kinds of areas\u2014and in the back of my mind, I'm thinking:\u00a0 \"Well, if you really believe those things, then, of course, you'd respond to my romance.\u00a0 I mean, why wouldn't you\u2014if you really think I'm all that special?\u201d\u00a0 And so, if a woman\u2014if a wife\u2014does not respond, the husband thinks: \"Well, you were just making all that stuff up.\u00a0 You don't really feel that way about me because, if you did, you'd respond.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think this is one of the areas, Bob, where the feminist movement has really propagated a lie among women\u2014especially, women of faith.\u00a0 I think women can be deceived into thinking it's just not that important\u2014it's not that central to who he is.\u00a0 And yet, in the research we did, and the feedback we received back from men\u2014man!\u00a0 When we asked the question of men, and when we allowed them to respond, anonymously, we got an earful.\u00a0 The issue was, really, \u201cWould someone please speak straight to our wives about, number one, the importance; but then, secondly, how they can begin to act responsibly to meet this need in their husband's life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I think there is something here that both men and women don't fully understand.\u00a0 I think we tend to think of a man's need for physical intimacy and think, \"Well, that's just\u2014it's the physical expression that that man needs.\"\u00a0\u00a0 There is something beneath the surface\u2014not at the physical level, but at the emotional level, and even at the spiritual level\u2014that is in the soul of a man\u2014that is touched when a couple comes together in physical intimacy; isn't there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, there really is because it's, as the Bible says, that marriage is the picture of Christ's relationship with the Church.\u00a0 I think that, in marital intimacy, we're longing for that kind of connection that we were made for\u2014that God designed us to be made for, in relationship with Him.\u00a0 So, when we're rejected or when we're not respected for the way God made us, it really is a stab at the core of our personhood because we were made for relationship with God.\u00a0 We were made for intimacy with one another.\u00a0 That needs to be valued in both husband and wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, we addressed this issue the last time we talked about this subject, but some of our listeners didn't hear it.\u00a0 Some of the wives, who are listening, saying: \"You are not describing my husband.\u00a0 I know that it may be typical for a man to have a strong need in the area of marital intimacy.\u00a0 That's not the case with my husband.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, you know, it was interesting, Bob.\u00a0 We received many emails\u2014one from a woman whose husband is only 26.\u00a0 She had recently had a baby.\u00a0 She said she knew her weight was an issue with her husband; but basically, he was no longer interested in her.\u00a0 There was another one who had only been married two years.\u00a0 Her husband, because of his drug habit, was experiencing this problem.\u00a0 Still, yet another\u2014a wife wondered if her husband was addicted to pornography because he was not expressing what we were describing as a normal interest in his wife.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, different people have different appetites.\u00a0 There will be marriages\u2014I would estimate 20, perhaps 25 percent of them\u2014where a wife could, perhaps, express interest in this area of their relationship more so than her husband.\u00a0 If that's the case, you just need to recognize that and then begin to manage your expectations appropriately and begin to talk about it, as a couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, you're saying, \u201cIf your husband doesn't have that kind of interest, that doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not necessarily, but it does need to be a subject of discussion.\u00a0 It doesn't need to be swept under the rug; and you just say, \"Well, that's the way he is.\"\u00a0 You need to explore what's behind that.\u00a0 Why is that the case?\u00a0 Is there something else that is siphoning off his drive and his desire for you, as a woman?\u00a0 It could be that there is something, like pornography or a sexual addiction, that is zapping his drive, at that point.\u00a0 But a couple needs to talk about this and take this seriously.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If a husband and wife came to both of you, Barbara, and said: \"You know, in our marriage, we're both okay with being together intimately, oh, a half-a-dozen times a year.\u00a0 We're kind of okay with that.\"\u00a0 Would you say, \"Well, if you're okay with it and it's working out that way fine for both of you, then that's fine,\u201d or would you say, \"That's probably not what God has in mind for your marriage.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think I'd be a little suspicious.\u00a0 I'm not sure exactly what I would say, but I think I would be a little suspicious that maybe things weren't quite what they ought to be and that they should pursue growing in that area of their relationship.\u00a0 One of the things that we discovered, when writing this book, is that very few married couples talk about this area in their relationship.\u00a0 They just accept the way it is and don't discuss it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was a surprise to us because we've talked about it a great deal.\u00a0 By talking about it, we've grown in our understanding of one another.\u00a0 We've grown in lots of ways.\u00a0 I would, at the very minimum, I would suggest that they begin discussing it, and begin trying to understand one another better, and find out what's behind that lack of interest.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, you're saying half-a-dozen times a year, even if both of them are okay, they need to probe that area because it may be a symptom that all is not well?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I would.\u00a0 Yes, I think they should pursue that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you agree with that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do.\u00a0 I think, at that point, a wife does need to ask her husband, \u201cIs there a chance there are any sexual counterfeits\u201d in their marriage.\u00a0 By that, I\u2019m talking about going online, looking at magazines\u2014perhaps dabbling in some other sexual outlet for his drive and passion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Having an affair\u2014those are things that may be, as you said, draining a man of physical passion.\u00a0 You listed a number of other things in the book.\u00a0 It could be depression.\u00a0 It could be stress.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There could be all kinds of factors.\u00a0 They may not be sexual in nature, but they may still be taking a man\u2019s energy away from this area of their marriage.\u00a0 I think the point is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014make it a point of open discussion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And if there\u2019s not a regular, healthy\u2014and we're not trying to say, you know, \"Here is the biblically-required minimum daily allowance;\" you know?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We're not trying to put a number to it; but we're saying, \u201cIf it seems, to you, like your intimacy is less frequent than it ought to be, you need to talk about it, you need to explore it, you need to pray about it, and you may need to seek counsel from others.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and that's why we wrote the book, <em>Rekindling the Romance<\/em>, because it provides a chance for a couple to begin to read material, directed at them as a wife\u2014half the book is written to wives\u2014the other half is written to men.\u00a0 Those portions of the book can be discussed, as a couple.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, one husband\u2014who read Barbara's chapters on the power of a wife and her specific power in the life of her husband, that we're talking about here\u2014said: \"You know, in all my years of reading,\" \u2014and this particular man had read a lot of books on marriage and intimacy\u2014he said, \"I think this is some of the finest material and most straightforward I've ever heard, woman-to-woman.\u00a0 It needs to get out there because there aren't a lot of women who are shooting straight with other women.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that's true today.\u00a0 I think there needs to be an opportunity for older women, who have grown in their understanding, take some younger women, under their wing, and say: \"Let me tell you what I've learned over three decades of marriage together.\u00a0 I want to do a little mentoring of you here.\"\u00a0 I think every wife can benefit by reading Barbara's words around this subject.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just forwarded to both of you a copy of an email that we got from a listener who said essentially the same thing.\u00a0 She said: \"I'm a homeschooling mom.\u00a0 We have eight kids, between the ages of 5 and 24\u2014all of them still living at home.\u00a0 I have been waiting years for somebody to write the book you wrote.\"\u00a0 She said, specifically: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can't thank you enough, Barbara, for your candor and for your honesty.\u00a0 Finally, somebody, in my shoes, has told it like it really is.\u00a0 You've been able to give me some hope.\u00a0 I had grown cynical and hopeless about the romantic side of marriage because of the reasons that you\u2019ve listed; but\u00a0 I heard the two of you talking about the book on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI bought it; and when it came, I started reading it that very night.\u00a0 The short stories that are at the beginning of the men's section and the women's section were completely engrossing.\u00a0 Every time I went somewhere, I took the book with me in case I'd have a few minutes to read.\u00a0 My husband and I took a weekend getaway right about the time the book came.\u00a0 I asked him if he would read the men's part of the book.\u00a0 He agreed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe wound up having a great dialog about this area of our marriage, that has been a source of frustration for years.\u00a0 Your book has been a tremendous help and encouragement to us.\u00a0 We've been married 27 years.\u00a0 We have a strong, committed marriage with great communication; but your book has helped me understand and accept God's gift for men and women in marriage even better.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, some of what you wrote, Barbara, was like you lifted the thoughts right out of my head.\u00a0 I can't tell you how grateful I am.\u00a0 There is a sweetness in our relationship, even though the stresses of life haven't changed.\u00a0 You know how many stressors eight children can provide\u2014not to mention the rest of life.\u00a0 So, thanks for writing the book and thanks for being so honest.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you get an email like that\u2014I know that that\u2019s part of the reason you guys wrote the book <em>Rekindling the Romance<\/em>\u2014is to provide help for couples, whether they\u2019re new in marriage or whether they\u2019ve been married for years\u2014help them understand God\u2019s purpose and design for the romantic aspect of a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have copies of the book, <em>Rekindling the Romance<\/em>,in our <em>FamilyLifeToday<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 In fact, our team has put together a resource kit for Valentine\u2019s Day.\u00a0 It\u2019s the book and the Simply Romantic<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> Nightscollection\u2014a collection of date ideas for husbands and wives.\u00a0 It\u2019s a year-long date kit\u2014so you can plan out some special events for each other, throughout the year.\u00a0 When you get the book, <em>Rekindling the Romance, <\/em>and the Simply Romantic Nights collection together, we\u2019re going to include, at no additional cost, a husband\u2019s book and a wife\u2019s book with some romantic tips\u2014just on how to keep the passion alive in your marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about what\u2019s available.\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call us, toll-free, at 1-800-FL-TODAY if you\u2019d like more information about the resources we\u2019re making available.\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com, and the toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, we want to give a quick shout out to those of you who are <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> supporters.\u00a0 We are listener-supported.\u00a0 The cost for producing and syndicating this program is something that gets covered by folks, like you, who from time to time, get in touch with us and make a donation to help support the ministry.\u00a0 We also want to thank our Legacy Partners who provide monthly support for this ministry.\u00a0 We appreciate you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month, if you\u2019re able to help with a donation of any amount, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you an audio CD\u2014a message I presented, not long ago, about marital intimacy\u2014where we talked about some of the challenges couples face:\u00a0 \u201cWhat are the things that get in the way of healthy marital intimacy?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWhat keeps us from having a vibrant romantic relationship?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019d like to receive that CD, all you have to do is make a donation, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d; and then, make an online donation and request the CD.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone, and ask for the CD on marital intimacy.\u00a0 We\u2019re happy to send it out to you.\u00a0 Again, we\u2019re grateful that you partner with us in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about some of the ingredients\u2014some of the seasoning that goes into the romantic recipe.\u00a0 How do you keep the romance from becoming bland?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302678","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302678"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302678"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302678"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302678"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302678"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302678"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302678"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}