{"id":302677,"date":"2013-02-05T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-02-05T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/ingredients-to-make-romance-grow-security-and-acceptance\/"},"modified":"2013-02-05T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-02-05T17:00:00","slug":"ingredients-to-make-romance-grow-security-and-acceptance","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/ingredients-to-make-romance-grow-security-and-acceptance\/","title":{"rendered":"Ingredients to Make Romance Grow: Security and Acceptance"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Give your marriage a romantic lift by accepting your spouse as he\/she is.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-02-05.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"26.21M","filesize_raw":"27479511","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[4714,5247],"podcast_series":[7927],"cwp_profile":[3051],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302677","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-romance","tag-romancing-your-spouse","podcast_series-rekindling-the-romance-in-your-marriage","cwp_profile-dennis-and-barbara-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302677\/ingredients-to-make-romance-grow-security-and-acceptance","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302677\/ingredients-to-make-romance-grow-security-and-acceptance","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"CwwHL016C1\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/ingredients-to-make-romance-grow-security-and-acceptance\/\">Ingredients to Make Romance Grow: Security and Acceptance<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/ingredients-to-make-romance-grow-security-and-acceptance\/embed\/#?secret=CwwHL016C1\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Ingredients to Make Romance Grow: Security and Acceptance&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"CwwHL016C1\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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is.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2013-02-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We promise each other, \u201cfor better or for worse\u201d in marriage; but that doesn\u2019t mean we don\u2019t wind up with doubts about whether our spouse really does love us.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Barbara Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 You know\u2014it\u2019s interesting.\u00a0 We get married because we feel that acceptance and we feel that love from another person; but then, after we\u2019re married, we kind of go, \u201cBut did he really mean it?\u201d\u00a0 We start pulling back and questioning it.\u00a0 I think, initially, I knew he did want to spend time with me, and he really was committed; but with time, things change.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you get to know each other more, then the question arises:\u00a0 \u201cDoes he still really love me?\u00a0 Does he still really accept me\u2014now that he knows what he knows, and now that he\u2019s seen my old sin nature, and now that we\u2019ve been through these difficulties\u2014is he still going to love me?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.\u00a0 After all the consternation about music on yesterday\u2019s program, do you like that any better\u2014the piano there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do, I do\u2014I like that a lot better\u2014a little mellow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it puts you in the mood?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I'm thinking about dancing with Barbara.\u00a0 She's here in the studio with us.\u00a0 Do you think our listeners would have a problem if the host of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> danced with his wife?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think we just\u2014we're not going to have any dancing on this radio program.\u00a0 I just don't want anybody watching their radio while there's dancing going on.\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 We're not going to allow that, but we are going to talk about a romantic makeover for your marriage.\u00a0 Is dancing an important part of a romantic makeover?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think dancing would be up there, at the top of the list\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not number one; but, yes, it would be one of those important ingredients.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So if Dennis said to you, \"Hey, how about Friday night\u2014let's go dancing.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I'd say, \u201cYes.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You'd be all over that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 If I knew how to dance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, that would help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That would help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Have you ever taken any lessons\u2014any dancing lessons?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 We've talked about it, but we haven't actually done it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Uh-oh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Talked about it but haven't done it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Busted again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why didn't it happen, Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Deer hunting season got in the way?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It might have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That could be; that could be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Priorities?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Schedule, you know\u2014that kind of thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Skill level could be a basic issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think that's a copout.\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It could be a copout.\u00a0 I'm thinking, \u201cLet's see\u2014root canal or dancing lessons\u2014root canal\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was getting ready to say\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0\u00a0 Surely, not!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014which would I rather do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara and I will take dancing lessons if you and Mary Ann will.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, check with me in a few years.\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 I'm still trying to weigh out root canal or ballroom dancing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I didn't think it would be that painful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We are talking about a romantic makeover.\u00a0 If you're going to have a makeover\u2014well, you need to start with an inventory.\u00a0 You have to go throughout\u2014whatever is going to be improved, and remodeled, and refurbished\u2014whether it's a house, or a person, or a relationship.\u00a0 You have to just do an inventory to determine:\u00a0 \u201cWhat's wrong?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWhat's right?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cHow can we make it better?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that's what these plastic surgeons do on the TV show.\u00a0 They look at the nose, and the chin, and the teeth, and all the rest and decide what all they're going to try to fix.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why are you looking at me like that?\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or the people who do the house makeovers\u2014the extreme makeovers on the house.\u00a0 They go in and look at the cabinets and the carpet.\u00a0 They decide:\u00a0 \u201cWhat are the priorities?\u201d and, \u201cWhat are we going to address first?\u201d and, \u201cWe only have a few days, so how do we take care of this?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've talked this week about taking an inventory to see how your romantic relationship is doing so you can tweak it\u2014how you can make it a little better.\u00a0 Sometimes, all couples need to do is make a few adjustments; and they can move their marriage in a much more romantic direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, in fact, Barbara purchased a rose, not too long ago, that needed a makeover.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You bought an ugly rose?\u00a0 What?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, it was a beautiful rose bush\u2014except, where she wanted to plant it, was not a good spot.\u00a0 She brought it home and said, \"Here is where I want to plant it.\"\u00a0 I said:\u00a0 \"Sweetheart, that's a delightful place to plant the rose.\u00a0 The problem is it's not going to get the sun.\u00a0 It's not going to have the right nutrients and all in this spot\u2014where it's going to flourish, where it's going to grow, and have a lot of blooms.\"\u00a0 Sure enough, after about three years, she said, \"Could you move that rose for me because it's not really doing much right there.\"<br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, you mean, when you told her that it wouldn't work in that spot, she said, \"We're going to go ahead and plant it there, anyway.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I said, \"Let's try it and see.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\u00a0 So, we did; and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You wanted to share this illustration just because you were right on this one; didn't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's one of the few times that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 It could be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014one of the few times, in the yard, I have been right.\u00a0 I did dig it up, and we moved it to another magnificent bed to the side of our house that\u2014well, it got sun for three or four hours a day.\u00a0 It didn't get it, frankly, as much as it should have; but we put it in some of the finest dirt and soil that we had ever made.\u00a0 We made some compost, and we mixed it all up.\u00a0 That rose has gone crazy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's just taken off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's amazing.\u00a0 Well, you know what?\u00a0 I think marriages are like that, too.\u00a0 If you're going to have a romantic makeover, you have to kind of pull back and take a look at the ingredients of what causes romance to flourish in your marriage.\u00a0 For men and women, those ingredients are different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What is it for a woman?\u00a0 What's at the core of her romantic need?\u00a0 What's she hungry for?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think women need security, and I think they need acceptance.\u00a0 I think they need love spoken to them in those ways.\u00a0 They need to know that:\u00a0 \u201cNo matter how I look,\u201d\u2014because pregnancies, and babies, and all those kinds of things change the way a woman looks.\u00a0 I think she's looking for her husband to still love her, and to still accept her, and to still be captivated by her\u2014no matter how she looks\u2014and no matter what the years may do to her.\u00a0 From that, then, comes a sense of security, and stability, and well-being that comes from being accepted, completely, by another person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What happens is\u2014as a man, you court this woman who becomes your bride and your wife.\u00a0 You think\u2014in your own male-way of thinking\u2014that because you've made a covenant, because you've made a commitment, because you've said, \"I love you,\u201d \u2014that that security and that acceptance is in place.\u00a0 \u201cWhat else do you need to know?\u00a0 I mean, I've said\u2014I said it a couple of times, in the last month or so.\u00a0 Why wouldn't that be enough?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd yet, for Barbara and our relationship, one of the big surprises\u2014especially, in our first years of marriage\u2014was how often she needed me to affirm her\u2014both in terms of giving her a sense of security around my commitment\u2014that I wasn't going to go anywhere\u2014that I was going to love her, even though I knew her\u2014and that she didn't need to be afraid.\u00a0 But that, secondly, she was accepted, even though I knew her.\u00a0 I think that's one of our greatest fears, as we get married.\u00a0 We think, \"If you really know me, you won't love me.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, when Dennis says things to you like, \"You know, there is no one I would rather spend time with than you,\" do you believe that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think, when we first got married, I didn't believe that because I think I\u2014you know, it's interesting\u2014we get married because we feel that acceptance, and we feel that love from another person; but then, after we're married, we kind of go, \"But did he really mean it?\"\u00a0 We start pulling back and questioning it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, initially, I knew he did want to spend time with me, and he really was committed.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, with time, things change.\u00a0 When you get to know each other more, then the question arises:\u00a0 \"Now does he still really love me?\u00a0 Does he still really accept me, now that he knows what he knows, and now that he's seen my old sin nature, and now that we've been through these difficulties?\u00a0 Is he still going to love me?\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I think I went through a time when I doubted that for a while.\u00a0 I wasn't so sure it was real, but I believe it now.\u00a0 I've come to a place of real understanding\u2014that I know it's true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 See, I think one of the challenges we have, as husbands, is we can affirm our wives\u2014we can express those things that affirm them and create security\u2014but oftentimes, they hear it and they think, \"Well, you're just saying that.\u00a0 You\u2019re saying that because you have to say it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 \"Because you have to.\"\u00a0 Yes, I've said that before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How do we break through that, as husbands?\u00a0 Do we just keep saying it over and over again; and eventually, you'll believe it?\u00a0 Is that what it takes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I think there are two things.\u00a0 I think the husband has to keep saying it over and over again\u2014no matter what\u2014and he needs to say it in different ways.\u00a0 He needs to demonstrate it\u2014it's not just the words\u2014it's the actions.\u00a0 There's a lot to communicating that acceptance and that love.\u00a0 So, he's got to stay after it.\u00a0 He's got to be creative.\u00a0 He's got to ask God to help him\u2014all of that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think the other side of the equation\u2014the other side of the coin\u2014is the wife has to choose to believe that he's telling the truth.\u00a0 For me, I remember where I was even standing\u2014the day that Dennis said to me\u2014something\u2014some kind of words of affection or love.\u00a0 It was just in the middle of a Saturday, if I remember right; but he said, \"I love you,\" and, \"I think you're wonderful.\"\u00a0 I don't even know what he said.\u00a0 What I remember is that I felt, \"I don't know if he really does,\u201d \u2014and we've got three or four kids, four or five kids\u2014I don't know.\u00a0 A lot of days I don't get makeup on\u2014I don't look good\u2014the house is a mess, half the time\u2014and, \u201cI don't know....\"\u00a0\u00a0 I said back to him, \"I don't know if I really believe that or not.\"\u00a0 He said back to me, \"You can believe it if you want to.\u00a0 You don't have to believe it, but it's true.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember\u2014that was the moment, for me, that the light bulb sort of clicked on.\u00a0 I thought:\u00a0 \u201cYou know, it really is a question of me choosing to believe that he's telling the truth.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, my feelings say to me, \"I don't know if he really does.\"\u00a0 But rather than believe my emotions, I chose to believe the truth.\u00a0 So, I think it's both.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Were you thinking, to yourself, at that time, \"How could he love me because\u2014\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I was feeling particularly unlovable that day.\u00a0 I'm not sure why I was, but I was.\u00a0 I just thought, \"He can't really love me.\u00a0 I mean\u2014\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And just because your wife feels loved today\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014it doesn't mean she'll feel loved tomorrow.\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, yes.\u00a0 She may not believe you tomorrow.\u00a0 That's why I think the command of Ephesians, Chapter 5, is so important\u2014where the Apostle Paul writes, \"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself up for her; that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the Word.\"\u00a0 It goes on, down here, to say:\u00a0 \"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies.\u00a0 He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think two of the most important terms that a husband needs to grab hold of is the concept of cherishing his wife and nourishing his wife.\u00a0 Now, for men, they can pull back for a moment and think: \"What do you really cherish?\u201d\u00a0 Is it your truck or your car\u2014your golf clubs, your fishing pole?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Your laptop?\u00a0 I mean, I'm just starting to go through the list, myself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you really cherish?\u201d\u00a0 Well, because you cherish it, how do you treat it?\u00a0 Well, you take care of it.\u00a0 You pay attention to it.\u00a0 You tend to the needs of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 You protect it and make sure it doesn't get broken.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 If a man cherishes his wife, and he begins to realize:\u00a0 \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 The greatest assignment\u201d \u2014other than his responsibility of walking with God\u2014\u201cthe greatest privilege God gives him, in a lifetime, is to love his wife.\u201d\u00a0 I know that would be my greatest privilege\u2014is being able to love and care for my wife Barbara.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I have to become an expert at what it means to truly cherish her.\u00a0 A part of that means finding out what causes you, as a woman, to feel cherished.\u00a0 Now, I've already put you on the spot this week, but I'm going to do it again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cFor you, as a woman, my wife, what causes you to feel cherished?\u201d because, I think, for the average man\u2014and I'm giving her some time to think right now\u2014I think, for the average man, we don't even think in these terms.\u00a0 I think, therein, lies part of the secret.\u00a0 If we're going to have romance in our marriage and have one of these romantic makeovers, we have to learn what it means to truly cherish our wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, if you take the car analogy, there are a lot of men who really value their cars.\u00a0 They'll spend their entire Saturday afternoon cleaning it, polishing it, waxing it\u2014all of that stuff.\u00a0 Well, that's a demonstration of how valuable that car is.\u00a0 If he would take that same amount of thought, and focus, and energy and put it toward demonstrating how much he values his wife\u2014that would speak volumes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not polishing and waxing her\u2014that's not what you're saying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, no, no.\u00a0 But any wife can watch her husband do that and spend that kind of time on what's important.\u00a0 If she feels that he's going to spend that kind of time, and attention on her, then she's going to feel valued.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let me share a negative illustration of this, from one of our listeners, who wrote us.\u00a0 I'm going to call her, \"Pam.\"\u00a0 She said:\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband Keith has called me almost every low-life name that he can think of.\u00a0 He's called me fat.\u00a0 He said that I'm not good in the intimate area of our marriage relationship.\u00a0 Although it's been almost eight years ago that Keith said these things, I can't forget them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've now been married more than 17 years.\u00a0 TV is still more important to him than me.\u00a0 Recently, while staying in a motel, I purchased a new nightgown.\u00a0 When I changed clothes in front of him, his look was one of disgust.\u00a0 Keith didn't have to say a word.\u00a0 The look on his face told me exactly how he felt about me.\u00a0 I feel so rejected, physically.\u00a0 I can count on one hand, in the last two years, the number of times Keith has told me that I've looked nice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe's never at home in the evenings to help me with the children.\u00a0 On weekends, he usually finds something other than his family to keep him busy.\u00a0 When I've tried to talk about this, I get yelled at or spoken down to.\u00a0 I hate living like this.\u00a0 I don't know where to turn for help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, here's a woman who is certainly not being nourished and cherished.\u00a0 What that husband doesn't realize is\u2014not only is he being disobedient to Scripture and Christ's command to love his wife as Christ loved the Church, but he is also going to reap what he's sown.\u00a0 He's not going to reap a great marriage\u2014a great family\u2014at the end of his life.\u00a0 He's going to grow old, alone.\u00a0 Sure, he may have his cronies that he may be out drinking with or hanging around with; but he's certainly not going to have an enduring relationship with a friend who has shared life with him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When we talk about this fundamental need that a woman has for acceptance and security, we need to really make sure that we've covered some very basic things\u2014that is that a husband is not doing anything that would threaten the very nature of the marriage relationship.\u00a0 He's got to make sure that he's reaffirming his commitment, regularly\u2014and that he's not saying one day, \"I'm committed to you,\" and the next day, \"Maybe it would be better if we got a divorce.\"\u00a0 That's got to be completely out of the vocabulary and out of the dynamic of the marriage; doesn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, go back to what the Bible challenges husbands to do. He called us to \u201clove our wives as Christ loved the Church\u201d.\u00a0 Then, He told us how to do that.\u00a0 He said, \"nourish and cherish her.\"\u00a0 Well, what does it mean to nourish another person?\u00a0 Well, you provide the ingredients they need for life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat may mean praying with her.\u00a0 That may mean reading the Scriptures with her.\u00a0 That may mean sharing what's going on in your life with her.\u00a0 Those things nourish a woman's soul.\u00a0 They want to know what's going on in our lives.\u00a0 They want to be partners in life.\u00a0 They don't want to receive a two-minute news report, at the end of the day, of what we did.\u00a0 They want to be joint heirs, in life, with their husbands.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's the wise husband who realizes that he has to go back and become a student of his wife to say: \"How do I nourish her?\u00a0 How do I cherish her?\u00a0 How do I speak to her in ways that will communicate to her that she is a priority, and that I do love her?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, I know one of the things\u2014that is a part of what Mary Ann needs\u2014in terms of security\u2014is to know that our relationship is private\u2014that I'm not talking to other people about what's going on in our relationship.\u00a0 If she thinks I am, or if I have been, she'll feel violated and insecure.\u00a0 It will cause her to retreat.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 And I think that's really true for a lot of women.\u00a0 I think that's a part of what we need in the area of protection.\u00a0 We need to know that we are being protected by our husbands, and that the intimacies in our relationship are just for us, and they're not for other people.\u00a0 I think that's an element that all wives feel\u2014in different degrees and at different levels\u2014but it speaks to the security that we need, as women, to be protected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it's important for a man to understand that he should never, ever make fun of his wife, or speak in degrading terms to her or about her to others.\u00a0 I've been around some men, sometimes, where I just wanted to put my arm around the guy's shoulder, and maybe around his neck, to say to him at points: \"Don't you realize what your words are doing to your wife?\u00a0 They are not nourishing and cherishing her.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, Proverbs 16:24 says, \"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.\"\u00a0 I think what a man underestimates is the power of his words in his wife's life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know that there are times when I've looked at Mary Ann and said, \"I was just teasing!\u00a0 I was just teasing a little bit!\" but I realize that she didn't see the humor in my quick wit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I've never done that.\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And I've had to pull back and realize that, \u201cSure, I was teasing.\u00a0 It was meant playfully; but there is some part that resonates with her and causes the self-doubt to come out and to say, \u2018Yes, but that must be how you really feel; isn't it?\u2019\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, if it isn't exactly how she really feels, there's some element of truth there.\u00a0 That's why it stings.\u00a0 If there's no truth to it at all, or even if it's not current\u2014if she felt that way, sometime in the past\u2014even as a teenager.\u00a0 The thing is\u2014for so many of us, as women, went through so many insecurities in our teenage years.\u00a0 It just takes forever to grow out of that.\u00a0 So, any little jab or something that reminds us of how we used to feel brings that up.\u00a0 All of a sudden, we're there.\u00a0 We're feeling that insecurity, or we're feeling that threat; and it just doesn't feel good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And what we're talking about here was really one of the surprises, early in our marriage, when I found out that people had said damaging things to Barbara\u2014that she remembered.\u00a0 Now, I'm sure that I've had certain things said to me, as a young man, growing up; but they didn't seem to have the impact on me that they'd had on her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut as I listen to her talk about some of the things her friends had said, or some significant people had said, or adults had said to her, you begin to realize a woman internalizes this in a different way than a man does.\u00a0 That's why the man's assignment is to love his wife.\u00a0 That's a lifelong assignment because life will have a way of continuing to bring damage to a woman's soul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And if you've got a lifelong assignment like that, you ought to stay studied-up. Just like a doctor has to go back and take a certain number of hours every year, in his profession, in order to keep his degree current, a husband ought to go back and do a certain amount of study every year.\u00a0 Some of it should be\u2014just understanding your wife better\u2014but it can also be\u2014understanding how to be romantic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGet a copy of the book that the two of you have written called <em>Rekindling the Romance<\/em>.\u00a0 Read it together, as a couple.\u00a0 Half of the book is for men; half of the book is for women.\u00a0 There are practical suggestions on things couples can do\u2014things husbands can do to reinforce the issues of security and acceptance in the heart of a wife.\u00a0 We've got the book in our FamilyLife Resource Center.\u00a0 Along with it, we like to send couples the Simply Romantic<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> Nights collection that offers some very specific date nights that couples can have in the coming year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was tastefully said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you\u2014a dozen dates for a husband to engineer\u2014and a dozen different dates for the wife to plan\u2014all of them with the other person\u2019s romantic interests kept in mind.\u00a0 If you order both Dennis and Barbara\u2019s book and the Simply Romantic Nights collection, we\u2019re going to add in a couple of tips books\u2014one for husbands and one for wives\u2014just some suggestions on ways you can keep romance thriving in your marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith Valentine\u2019s Day coming up, we thought this is a great time to make these resources available.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about all that we have available here.\u00a0 Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call us, toll-free, at 1-800-FL-TODAY; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\u00a0 Ask about the book, <em>Rekindling the Romance, <\/em>or the Simply Romantic Nightscollection.\u00a0 We\u2019ll let you know how you can have those resources sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpeaking of Valentine\u2019s Day coming up, I wish I could send a valentine to all of the folks who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 We really do appreciate your support of this ministry.\u00a0 We are listener-supported.\u00a0 The cost for producing and syndicating this daily radio program is covered by folks, like you, who from time to time, will get in touch with us and let us know that you believe in what we\u2019re trying to do here, and that it\u2019s been helpful for you, and you want to see it continue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, \u201cThanks,\u201d to those of you who have done that in the past.\u00a0 This month, if you can make a donation to help support the ministry, we\u2019d like to send you, as a thank-you gift, a CD of a message I presented, not long ago, on marital intimacy\u2014where we talked about some of the challenges couples face when it comes to keeping romance alive in a marriage relationship\u2014some of the issues that can get in the way of our marital intimacy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can request that CD when you make an online donation.\u00a0 Simply go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the button that says \u201cI CARE\u201d; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone, and ask for the CD on romance when you get in touch with us.\u00a0 Either way, we just want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance, for your support of the ministry.\u00a0 We appreciate hearing from you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can be back with us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about the spiritual dimension of a marriage relationship and why that\u2019s important to our romantic relationship.\u00a0 That comes up tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can be here for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2013 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302677","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302677"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302677"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302677"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302677"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302677"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302677"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302677"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}