{"id":302613,"date":"2012-10-15T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-10-15T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/coupleness-doesnt-equal-familyness\/"},"modified":"2012-10-15T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-10-15T15:00:00","slug":"coupleness-doesnt-equal-familyness","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/coupleness-doesnt-equal-familyness\/","title":{"rendered":"&#8220;Coupleness&#8221; Doesn&#8217;t Equal &#8220;Familyness&#8221;"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dating is hard, and dating again after divorce or loss can be even more complex.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-10-15.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.29M","filesize_raw":"25474893","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2859,2813],"tags":[4018],"podcast_series":[7905],"cwp_profile":[3078,3300,3059],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302613","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-and-preparing-for-marriage","category-recovering-from-divorce","tag-dating","podcast_series-dating-and-the-single-parent","cwp_profile-rob-and-rhonda-bugh","cwp_profile-ron-deal","cwp_profile-sabrina-beasley-mcdonald","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302613\/coupleness-doesnt-equal-familyness","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302613\/coupleness-doesnt-equal-familyness","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"o0y4D7NsbQ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/coupleness-doesnt-equal-familyness\/\">&#8220;Coupleness&#8221; Doesn&#8217;t Equal &#8220;Familyness&#8221;<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/coupleness-doesnt-equal-familyness\/embed\/#?secret=o0y4D7NsbQ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;&#8220;Coupleness&#8221; Doesn&#8217;t Equal &#8220;Familyness&#8221;&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"o0y4D7NsbQ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-10-15.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-10-15.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Rhonda Williams lost her husband, Tom, to cancer after more than two decades of marriage.\u00a0 Her pastor, Rob Bugh, lost his wife to cancer, as well.\u00a0 Months later, Rob and Rhonda got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 We really thought we were prepared for remarriage, but we still\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We were na\u00efve.\u00a0 We were much more focused on the chemistry <em>between us<\/em> than the chemistry of that dynamic with our kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was difficult for our children to understand, especially how you could love somebody else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, October 15<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 It\u2019s possible for two spiritually-mature, committed believers in Christ to walk into a second marriage unprepared and to be surprised at what they find.\u00a0 We\u2019ll hear about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Have you ever been at an amusement park where you\u2019ve gone on a ride and you thought, \u201cThat was a fun, exciting ride; and I never want to go on that ride again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Have you ever had that happen?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s how Mary Ann and I have talked about dating.\u00a0 It was a fun and exciting thing, and we hope we never have to go on that ride again; you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 It is an experience that is meant to be once in a lifetime; but for a number of people, they have to date more than once.\u00a0 Now, I\u2019m not talking about dating your spouse after you get married.\u00a0 We\u2019re talking about what happens after a divorce, after the death of a spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got some guests who, not only have solutions, but have some fascinating stories around the whole concept of being single again and dating.\u00a0 Our friend, Ron Deal, joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Ron is brand-new to the staff of FamilyLife.\u00a0 He\u2019s not new to our listeners.\u00a0 They\u2019ve heard him on <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>on multiple occasions.\u00a0 Ron is married to his wife, Nan, since 1986.\u00a0 They have three sons.\u00a0 He is heading up a new ministry, here, at FamilyLife, targeting blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, first of all, welcome to the broadcast.\u00a0 I\u2019ll introduce our other guests in just a moment.\u00a0 Share with our listeners a little bit about what you hope to do through FamilyLife\u2019s blended family outreach.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, thank you, Dennis.\u00a0 It\u2019s always a pleasure to be on <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>with you and Bob.\u00a0 We endeavor to try to equip blended family couples to go the distance.\u00a0 We want the marriage that they\u2019re in to be their last.\u00a0 The couples that are listening right now, who are in stepfamilies, know exactly what I\u2019m talking about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy death or by divorce\u2014some script that they did not choose to write\u2014they now find themselves in a different family situation.\u00a0 We want to try to help them understand their family, make sense of what\u2019s going on, and create it into a home that is a redemptive home.\u00a0 I really believe, very strongly, that stepfamilies can be homes of redemption\u2014stop the cycle of divorce with this generation\u2014make a difference in the emotional, spiritual, and psychological lives of their children so that they have the ability to grow, trust the Lord, and live vibrant lives of their own.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And out of that heart, you\u2019ve written a brand-new book called <em>Dating and the Single Parent.<\/em>\u00a0 We\u2019re going to be talking about that in a few moments.\u00a0 Also joining us is Sabrina Beasley.\u00a0 She used to work, here, at FamilyLife.\u00a0 She gave birth to her first child and went home to be a stay-at-home mom and had a second child.\u00a0 Then, in 2010, her husband was killed in a car wreck; and she became a single parent.\u00a0 She has agreed to come in and share a little of her story and kind of how that whole process is going currently.\u00a0 Sabrina, welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you, Dennis.\u00a0 Thank you for having me today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And then we have Rob and Rhonda Bugh from Wheaton, Illinois.\u00a0 Rob, Rhonda, welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thanks, Dennis.\u00a0 It\u2019s great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Rhonda is a pediatrician and has been for 28 years.\u00a0 Rob has been a pastor\u2014pastor of Wheaton Bible Church for\u2014how many years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Eighteen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Eighteen years.\u00a0 Together, they have six children\u2014six adult children\u2014and one teenager.\u00a0 The unique side of their story is Rhonda\u2019s husband, Tom, was Rob\u2019s best friend.\u00a0 He died of cancer in 2005.\u00a0 Then, in 2005 and 2006, Rob\u2019s wife fell prey to cancer, as well, and died.\u00a0 Interestingly, they started dating and remarried.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got their story that we\u2019re going to be illustrating what Ron is talking about\u2014from his book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, in America this year, there should be a million\u2014approximately a million\u2014marriages.\u00a0 How many of those will be remarrieds?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 About 45 percent of them will be remarrieds.\u00a0 Now, the majority of those remarriages will also include children from previous relationships.\u00a0 So, about 40 percent of all weddings will give birth to a stepfamily.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Interestingly, one of the things you talk about, in your book on <em>Dating and the Single Parent<\/em>,is that, in a first-time marriage, the marriage forms the foundation on which the family is built.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But when there are already kids present and then there\u2019s a remarriage, it\u2019s a different kind of home; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s a different kind of home, and it has a different sort of foundation.\u00a0 For that couple to put their relationship into a place of being the foundation of the new step-family home is one of those long-term agendas that they need to have to bring stability.\u00a0 During the dating season, the challenges are many.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say it this way, Bob:\u00a0 Dating, as a single\u2014never-married, no kids\u2014dating another person, who is a single\u2014never-married, no kids\u2014is a very, very different process than dating somebody who has children from a previous relationship.\u00a0 When you both bring children from previous relationships, there is a tremendous amount of complexity that comes into that dating experience\u2014that just doesn\u2019t exist in a first-dating situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, the heart of the message of this book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent, <\/em>is \u201ccoupleness\u201d does not equal \u201cfamilyness\u201d.\u00a0 There is a process of falling in love with a person; and that creates coupleness, if you will.\u00a0 I like to make up words, by the way.\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 There\u2019s a different process of becoming a family.\u00a0 Sometimes, coupleness fosters in and ushers in the familyness.\u00a0 Sometimes, people find that they\u2019re just two totally different experiences; and one doesn\u2019t necessarily follow the other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to help single parents, or somebody who is dating a single-parent, understand the difference in dating\u2014what difference it makes to have children involved with it, and how to date smart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When Mary Ann and I were dating, about the only issues we had to resolve, as we started thinking, \u201cMight God be leading us toward marriage?\u201d \u2014about the only thing we had to figure out was our compatibility\u2014 \u201cWhat are our likes and dislikes?\u00a0 How do we fit together?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You bring existing family structure and kids into that.\u00a0 Now, all of a sudden, you are not just thinking, \u201cDo I like this person?\u201d but you are thinking, \u201cHow does it fit into the whole of the rest of my life and the other relationships that are already a part of my life?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and to that point\u2014kind of going out to the end of the matter\u2014you get a lot of emails from remarrieds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What\u2019s the most frequently-mentioned thing when you get those emails?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, one of the issues that they\u2019re often facing is parenting:\u00a0 \u201cHow do we parent together as a team?\u00a0 What if how I parent is very different than their parenting style and what they value, and how they want to approach discipline, and those sorts of things?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s no big surprise to hear that most dating single parents will never have a conversation\u2014or won\u2019t have a series of conversations\u2014like I would want them to have about what parenting will look like after they marry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey\u2019re so focused\u2014like you said, Bob\u2014on finding their fit with another person\u2014the coupleness matters\u2014that they really don\u2019t attend to the familyness matters very much.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing, to me, that two thirds to 75 percent of single parents, who are dating, really don\u2019t have any conversations about the most important thing in their life\u2014and that is raising their kids.\u00a0 You do have to attend to the fit, as a couple; but you also have to attend to the fit, as a family.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk to Rob and Rhonda about that.\u00a0 Did you guys talk about it; or, because you know Ron Deal, did he put you on the spot and force you to talk about it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We read Ron\u2019s book, in the dating process.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember exactly, but Rhonda and I talked about this from the get-go because our kids had grown up together because our families were such good friends.\u00a0 Truth be told, we were much more focused on the chemistry <em>between us<\/em>, which, I think, is sort of the default you go to when you\u2019re dating or re-dating than the chemistry of that dynamic with our kids.\u00a0 It was there, but it wasn\u2019t the focal point.\u00a0 The focal point was Rob and Rhonda.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What do you remember about those days, Rhonda?\u00a0 Do you remember thinking\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 No!\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s well-said\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was the problem!\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think the thing is, at some level, you\u2019ve got to be asking the question, \u201cOkay, we get along.\u00a0 How is this going to work for everybody else?\u201d\u00a0 Did you have that conversation at all?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 We had many conversations about that.\u00a0 It was difficult for our children to understand, especially how you could love somebody else, when I had been married 25 years; Rob had been married 27 years.\u00a0 If we loved each other, where did that leave our previous spouses?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There was a betrayal issue going on?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 Certainly, I don\u2019t even think they were thinking of their place, at that point, other than Rob\u2019s younger child\u2014maybe was wondering what was going to happen.\u00a0 In spite of both of us being very knowledgeable, raising our families, and being married for as long as we were, we really focused on the coupleness.\u00a0 We had counseling with other people to help address stepfamily issues.\u00a0 We had read Ron\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014which was awesome.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 We really thought we were prepared for remarriage; but we still\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But we were na\u00efve.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, wait a second, Rob.\u00a0 You are a pastor\u2014a senior pastor of a large church in Chicago.\u00a0 You\u2019ve done how many years of marriage preparation?\u00a0 How many hundreds of couples, undoubtedly?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Are you rubbing this in, Dennis?\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You knew there were going to be stars in the eyes; but when they came, they overwhelmed all of the logic and all of the experience of past history; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 And, with <em>my kids<\/em>\u2014three of them were in their 20s when Rhonda and I were starting to consider dating.\u00a0 I was very upfront with them, from the beginning, and their initial response was really, really positive.\u00a0 That set us in a certain trajectory; but all of that\u2014as sort of outsiders\u2014looking down the road and thinking, \u201cYes, this makes sense.\u00a0 You sort of add two and two and get four.\u201d\u00a0 But when Rhonda and I got married and we began to live together, you begin to figure out, \u201cHow are we going to do Christmas?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cYou mean we\u2019re not going to have that traditional Christmas Eve meal?\u201d\u00a0 All sorts of reality settle in\u2014it\u2019s a <em>whole<\/em> different animal.\u00a0 Rhonda and I would both say we were really surprised about\u2014we were not prepared for\u2014in hindsight, it would have been better for everybody if we had gone more slowly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron, is it safe to say that maybe a couple, who are in a remarried situation, should not only go through marriage preparation for them but, also, perhaps, their children should go through some kind of marriage preparation?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes; ideally, that\u2019s exactly the case.\u00a0 I talk about pre-stepfamily counseling\u2014not just premarital counseling\u2014where the kids <em>are<\/em> involved and they <em>are <\/em>engaged in conversation and a counselor <em>does <\/em>get to invite them to talk about their different thoughts and feelings.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, let me just comment on something that Rob and Rhonda said\u2014the hot\/cold is a very common response from the kids.\u00a0 They got an initial hot, \u201cHey, yes.\u00a0 Go for it, Dad!\u00a0 This seems to make sense.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a very common feeling for some kids to have and yet, when reality begins to set in, even during the dating season\u2014it usually hits really hard after the wedding, but even during that dating\u2014there can be a \u201cHey, wait a minute!\u00a0 This means a lot of change for me.\u00a0 This means Dad is not as available.\u00a0 Mom is not as available to me as she was when it was just about us.\u00a0 Now, she\u2019s giving time and energies to somebody else.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose are all very hard realities, and that\u2019s usually when kids pull back and go cold on this whole idea of you dating.\u00a0 Just because you hear, \u201cHey, whatever makes you happy, Mom (or Dad),\u201d doesn\u2019t necessarily mean you <em>really<\/em> have their permission or that you really have their blessing.\u00a0 Pre-stepfamily counseling allows everybody to process those things slowly\u2014in a way that helps the family\u2014as the entire family date\u2014the entire family move forward in assessing whether there is a familyness fit\u2014not just a coupleness fit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I heard Rob say it would have been better if they had gone slower.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But I\u2019m wondering if, in this pre-stepfamily counseling, this man and woman who are now very drawn to one another and very much in love with one another\u2014they find out that there are things in the family dynamic that are going to be problematic.\u00a0 Is it right\u2014 \u201cWe love each other, but we\u2019re not going to get married because the kids aren\u2019t going to buy-in?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s cut to the chase, here\u2014in my opinion, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 I think familyness ought to be as much a factor in a decision about marriage as is coupleness.\u00a0 One of the mantras I tell couples, all of the time, is that, \u201cTime is your friend.\u00a0 Time is you friend.\u00a0 Time is helping you to assess the fit\u2014not only as a couple\u2014but as a family.\u00a0 Time is helping you heal from whatever brought you to this place in your life.\u00a0 Time is going to help you get out of your infatuation and get to some reasonable assessment of your relationship and how well you\u2019ll do together.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you rush it\u2014if you ignore fears from a child and just move forward anyway\u2014then, oftentimes, that\u2019s the death.\u00a0 A quick illustration of that:\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell you how many families I\u2019ve counseled where one of the children\u2014oftentimes, even an adult child in their 30s\u2014it could be a 12-year-old, but it could also be a 35-year-old\u2014who is watching a parent date rapidly.\u00a0 During that rapid dating period, the child makes a judgment.\u00a0 They say to themselves, \u201cThere\u2019s no way this is right.\u00a0 Mom (or Dad) is just moving on too fast.\u00a0 They\u2019re ignoring the warning signs.\u00a0 They\u2019re out of their head.\u00a0 They wouldn\u2019t let me date anybody that way.\u00a0 So, this can\u2019t be right.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they make that judgment, let me tell you, that has detrimental effects because when that kid says, \u201cThis is not good,\u201d then, they tend to hold onto that judgment, even years into the marriage.\u00a0 They tend to say, \u201cNope, this is not good;\u201d and they don\u2019t give it a chance.\u00a0 So, slowing down and letting time be your friend\u2014pacing the dating in a way that is sensitive to where the children are is very important to the longevity of the marriage.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I can understand when there is a child old enough to be able to articulate the fear and maybe some question about the relationship; but I\u2019m looking across the table here, at Sabrina, who has a four-year-old and a two-year-old\u2014who can\u2019t begin to articulate at that level.\u00a0 In fact, the way they may deal with it is\u2014they may spin off into an emotional fit\u2014they may act out their fear in a number of ways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSabrina, you\u2019ve now been a single parent and\u2014obviously, not since the very beginning of the death of your husband\u2014but in the past few months, have thought about dating.\u00a0 Have you noticed your son and your daughter doing anything kind of irregular when a guy shows up, who is kind of interested in you?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know, Dennis, from the very beginning, I was most concerned about the fact that there was a hole in their life\u2014that they didn\u2019t have a father.\u00a0 Whenever I would have grief for them and grief they didn\u2019t have a father in their life, I would hear the Lord saying to me, \u201cI am their Father.\u00a0 I am their Father.\u201d\u00a0 I don\u2019t have to be fearful that they\u2019re somehow going to miss out on something; but at first, it was scary to me.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve got to get down to the hardware store and get a replacement part for the one that\u2019s gone missing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It may sound crass, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there was a reason for that.\u00a0 Your husband\u2019s dad died when he was a little boy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 When he was two-and-a-half\u2014the same age as my son.\u00a0 He wanted him to have a father.\u00a0 He wanted him to have a father.\u00a0 He felt like he wanted a dad, his whole life, and didn\u2019t have one.\u00a0 He said, \u201cIf anything ever happens to me, I want you to get married again because I want my children to have a father.\u201d\u00a0 I felt I needed to honor that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, you looked for the hardware store.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, I went down and started looking, \u201cWho do I have?\u00a0 What are my choices?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 I met a man, who\u2014and we just got into a conversation.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWell, my mother was widowed when I was a little boy.\u00a0 My earliest memories of her were her going off on dates.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, how did that make you feel?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cI didn\u2019t feel badly about it.\u00a0 It was just part of life.\u201d\u00a0 Right then, I determined that, just because my children were small, didn\u2019t mean they didn\u2019t know what was going on.\u00a0 They knew what was going on, and I had to be very sensitive to what they saw during that time.\u00a0 Even then, I decided that I wouldn\u2019t meet dates at my house\u2014that the men that I let be in their lives would have to be good people.\u00a0 I had to make sure that they were good people.\u00a0 They had to come through that filter another way\u2014other than dating.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, to answer your question, \u201cYes; when they are around men, they do act differently.\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s amazing to me\u2014at two- and four-years-old, they know they don\u2019t have a dad.\u00a0 They know.\u00a0 They recognize it.\u00a0 When they see other men, they call them \u201cDaddy.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ll say, \u201cYes, that\u2019s so and so\u2019s daddy\u201d or, \u201cThat\u2019s a daddy in the home.\u201d\u00a0 They realize that they don\u2019t have that, but they\u2019re not missing something.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t hurt them emotionally in the way that I think it might.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn other words, I don\u2019t have to hurry to fill that hole because God is their Father, and they do have father-figures in their lives, and they love being around men.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing to see that when the men come, they do have fun with them\u2014they throw them up in the air\u2014they do the things I can\u2019t do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 They need that! But they are getting it.\u00a0 They are getting men in their lives\u2014godly men\u2014men that I know through friendships\u2014who can be a father-figure to them without, \u201cMommy dating all of the time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing I\u2019ve done, too, is I\u2019ve restricted myself to one or two nights a week to be away from them.\u00a0 I try not to spend too much time going out and letting babysitters watch them because I want them to know they\u2019re important to me and that the dating part of it is secondary, not primary in my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sabrina, as you were talking, I couldn\u2019t help but think about a quote by Martin Lloyd Jones that I usually share with single women, all the time; but it would relate to a single man or a single woman, especially in a remarriage situation.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking about Ron\u2019s advice here\u2014that time is your friend.\u00a0 \u201cFaith is the refusal to panic.\u201d\u00a0 Faith is the refusal to panic.\u00a0 The reason he could say that is there is a God who is sovereignly in control of this world.\u00a0 He knows our dilemma, He knows our needs, and He knows each person by name.\u00a0 He\u2019s got a plan.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to panic and run to the hardware store to go get a guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it\u2019s good to realize, too, that you don\u2019t want to be driven in this process by your loneliness, by your losses, or by the emptiness you may be feeling.\u00a0 You want to be prayerful, be thoughtful, be wise, and get some counsel.\u00a0 Get a copy of Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>Dating and the Single <\/em>Parent\u2014that has just come out.\u00a0 Ron offers good, solid, wise, practical counsel about things like:\u00a0 \u201cHow to determine if you\u2019re ready to date?\u201d \u201cHow do you talk with your kids about dating?\u201d \u201cHow do you avoid making big mistakes?\u201d\u00a0 I think it helps to have that kind of input as you start to consider this process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, there may be a lot of our listeners who aren\u2019t in this situation themselves; but they know a single parent who is thinking about dating or already there.\u00a0 Get a copy of Ron\u2019s book, and give it to them as a gift.\u00a0 In fact, this would be a great way to begin a conversation with them, and to serve them, and maybe open the door to a conversation about where they are spiritually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Look for information on Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>It\u2019s one of the many resources that we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center that Ron has written.\u00a0 Ron is, as Dennis mentioned, the blended and stepfamily expert for us, here, at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 You can find out more about the resources he has available for blended and stepfamilies, along with this new book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent.<\/em>\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call, toll-free, at 1-800-FL-TODAY to get more information about the resources that we have available.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI should also mention that, this month, we are making some of Ron\u2019s resources available for those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\u00a0We are listener-supported.\u00a0 Your donations make this program possible.\u00a0 They help cover both the production and the syndication costs to keep <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>on the air on our network of stations, all across the country.\u00a0 This month, if you can make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>we\u2019ll give you your choice of Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Remarriage Checkup<\/em>,or you can get a couple of CDs, where we talk with Ron about stepdads and stepmoms and what they need to think about\u2014how they can be the most effective stepdads and stepmoms they can possibly be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the \u201cI CARE\u201d button to make an online donation.\u00a0 You can take your pick of resources that are listed there as our thank-you gift to you, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone, and be sure to ask about the blended family resources we have available.\u00a0 We\u2019ll let you know what\u2019s available and make arrangements to send one of those resources out to you.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s as a way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support of the ministry.\u201d\u00a0 We do appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to encourage you to be back with us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk again with Rob and Rhonda Bugh, and Sabrina Beasley, and Ron Deal about dating again, as a single-parent.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can join us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.29M"],"filesize_raw":["25474893"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302613.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302613.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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is hard, and dating again after divorce or loss can be even more complex.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-10-15.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Rhonda Williams lost her husband, Tom, to cancer after more than two decades of marriage.\u00a0 Her pastor, Rob Bugh, lost his wife to cancer, as well.\u00a0 Months later, Rob and Rhonda got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 We really thought we were prepared for remarriage, but we still\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We were na\u00efve.\u00a0 We were much more focused on the chemistry <em>between us<\/em> than the chemistry of that dynamic with our kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was difficult for our children to understand, especially how you could love somebody else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, October 15<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 It\u2019s possible for two spiritually-mature, committed believers in Christ to walk into a second marriage unprepared and to be surprised at what they find.\u00a0 We\u2019ll hear about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Have you ever been at an amusement park where you\u2019ve gone on a ride and you thought, \u201cThat was a fun, exciting ride; and I never want to go on that ride again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Have you ever had that happen?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s how Mary Ann and I have talked about dating.\u00a0 It was a fun and exciting thing, and we hope we never have to go on that ride again; you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 It is an experience that is meant to be once in a lifetime; but for a number of people, they have to date more than once.\u00a0 Now, I\u2019m not talking about dating your spouse after you get married.\u00a0 We\u2019re talking about what happens after a divorce, after the death of a spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got some guests who, not only have solutions, but have some fascinating stories around the whole concept of being single again and dating.\u00a0 Our friend, Ron Deal, joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Ron is brand-new to the staff of FamilyLife.\u00a0 He\u2019s not new to our listeners.\u00a0 They\u2019ve heard him on <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>on multiple occasions.\u00a0 Ron is married to his wife, Nan, since 1986.\u00a0 They have three sons.\u00a0 He is heading up a new ministry, here, at FamilyLife, targeting blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, first of all, welcome to the broadcast.\u00a0 I\u2019ll introduce our other guests in just a moment.\u00a0 Share with our listeners a little bit about what you hope to do through FamilyLife\u2019s blended family outreach.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, thank you, Dennis.\u00a0 It\u2019s always a pleasure to be on <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>with you and Bob.\u00a0 We endeavor to try to equip blended family couples to go the distance.\u00a0 We want the marriage that they\u2019re in to be their last.\u00a0 The couples that are listening right now, who are in stepfamilies, know exactly what I\u2019m talking about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy death or by divorce\u2014some script that they did not choose to write\u2014they now find themselves in a different family situation.\u00a0 We want to try to help them understand their family, make sense of what\u2019s going on, and create it into a home that is a redemptive home.\u00a0 I really believe, very strongly, that stepfamilies can be homes of redemption\u2014stop the cycle of divorce with this generation\u2014make a difference in the emotional, spiritual, and psychological lives of their children so that they have the ability to grow, trust the Lord, and live vibrant lives of their own.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And out of that heart, you\u2019ve written a brand-new book called <em>Dating and the Single Parent.<\/em>\u00a0 We\u2019re going to be talking about that in a few moments.\u00a0 Also joining us is Sabrina Beasley.\u00a0 She used to work, here, at FamilyLife.\u00a0 She gave birth to her first child and went home to be a stay-at-home mom and had a second child.\u00a0 Then, in 2010, her husband was killed in a car wreck; and she became a single parent.\u00a0 She has agreed to come in and share a little of her story and kind of how that whole process is going currently.\u00a0 Sabrina, welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you, Dennis.\u00a0 Thank you for having me today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And then we have Rob and Rhonda Bugh from Wheaton, Illinois.\u00a0 Rob, Rhonda, welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thanks, Dennis.\u00a0 It\u2019s great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Rhonda is a pediatrician and has been for 28 years.\u00a0 Rob has been a pastor\u2014pastor of Wheaton Bible Church for\u2014how many years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Eighteen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Eighteen years.\u00a0 Together, they have six children\u2014six adult children\u2014and one teenager.\u00a0 The unique side of their story is Rhonda\u2019s husband, Tom, was Rob\u2019s best friend.\u00a0 He died of cancer in 2005.\u00a0 Then, in 2005 and 2006, Rob\u2019s wife fell prey to cancer, as well, and died.\u00a0 Interestingly, they started dating and remarried.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got their story that we\u2019re going to be illustrating what Ron is talking about\u2014from his book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, in America this year, there should be a million\u2014approximately a million\u2014marriages.\u00a0 How many of those will be remarrieds?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 About 45 percent of them will be remarrieds.\u00a0 Now, the majority of those remarriages will also include children from previous relationships.\u00a0 So, about 40 percent of all weddings will give birth to a stepfamily.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Interestingly, one of the things you talk about, in your book on <em>Dating and the Single Parent<\/em>,is that, in a first-time marriage, the marriage forms the foundation on which the family is built.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But when there are already kids present and then there\u2019s a remarriage, it\u2019s a different kind of home; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s a different kind of home, and it has a different sort of foundation.\u00a0 For that couple to put their relationship into a place of being the foundation of the new step-family home is one of those long-term agendas that they need to have to bring stability.\u00a0 During the dating season, the challenges are many.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say it this way, Bob:\u00a0 Dating, as a single\u2014never-married, no kids\u2014dating another person, who is a single\u2014never-married, no kids\u2014is a very, very different process than dating somebody who has children from a previous relationship.\u00a0 When you both bring children from previous relationships, there is a tremendous amount of complexity that comes into that dating experience\u2014that just doesn\u2019t exist in a first-dating situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, the heart of the message of this book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent, <\/em>is \u201ccoupleness\u201d does not equal \u201cfamilyness\u201d.\u00a0 There is a process of falling in love with a person; and that creates coupleness, if you will.\u00a0 I like to make up words, by the way.\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 There\u2019s a different process of becoming a family.\u00a0 Sometimes, coupleness fosters in and ushers in the familyness.\u00a0 Sometimes, people find that they\u2019re just two totally different experiences; and one doesn\u2019t necessarily follow the other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to help single parents, or somebody who is dating a single-parent, understand the difference in dating\u2014what difference it makes to have children involved with it, and how to date smart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When Mary Ann and I were dating, about the only issues we had to resolve, as we started thinking, \u201cMight God be leading us toward marriage?\u201d \u2014about the only thing we had to figure out was our compatibility\u2014 \u201cWhat are our likes and dislikes?\u00a0 How do we fit together?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You bring existing family structure and kids into that.\u00a0 Now, all of a sudden, you are not just thinking, \u201cDo I like this person?\u201d but you are thinking, \u201cHow does it fit into the whole of the rest of my life and the other relationships that are already a part of my life?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and to that point\u2014kind of going out to the end of the matter\u2014you get a lot of emails from remarrieds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What\u2019s the most frequently-mentioned thing when you get those emails?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, one of the issues that they\u2019re often facing is parenting:\u00a0 \u201cHow do we parent together as a team?\u00a0 What if how I parent is very different than their parenting style and what they value, and how they want to approach discipline, and those sorts of things?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s no big surprise to hear that most dating single parents will never have a conversation\u2014or won\u2019t have a series of conversations\u2014like I would want them to have about what parenting will look like after they marry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey\u2019re so focused\u2014like you said, Bob\u2014on finding their fit with another person\u2014the coupleness matters\u2014that they really don\u2019t attend to the familyness matters very much.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing, to me, that two thirds to 75 percent of single parents, who are dating, really don\u2019t have any conversations about the most important thing in their life\u2014and that is raising their kids.\u00a0 You do have to attend to the fit, as a couple; but you also have to attend to the fit, as a family.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk to Rob and Rhonda about that.\u00a0 Did you guys talk about it; or, because you know Ron Deal, did he put you on the spot and force you to talk about it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We read Ron\u2019s book, in the dating process.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember exactly, but Rhonda and I talked about this from the get-go because our kids had grown up together because our families were such good friends.\u00a0 Truth be told, we were much more focused on the chemistry <em>between us<\/em>, which, I think, is sort of the default you go to when you\u2019re dating or re-dating than the chemistry of that dynamic with our kids.\u00a0 It was there, but it wasn\u2019t the focal point.\u00a0 The focal point was Rob and Rhonda.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What do you remember about those days, Rhonda?\u00a0 Do you remember thinking\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 No!\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s well-said\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was the problem!\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think the thing is, at some level, you\u2019ve got to be asking the question, \u201cOkay, we get along.\u00a0 How is this going to work for everybody else?\u201d\u00a0 Did you have that conversation at all?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 We had many conversations about that.\u00a0 It was difficult for our children to understand, especially how you could love somebody else, when I had been married 25 years; Rob had been married 27 years.\u00a0 If we loved each other, where did that leave our previous spouses?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There was a betrayal issue going on?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 Certainly, I don\u2019t even think they were thinking of their place, at that point, other than Rob\u2019s younger child\u2014maybe was wondering what was going to happen.\u00a0 In spite of both of us being very knowledgeable, raising our families, and being married for as long as we were, we really focused on the coupleness.\u00a0 We had counseling with other people to help address stepfamily issues.\u00a0 We had read Ron\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014which was awesome.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 We really thought we were prepared for remarriage; but we still\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But we were na\u00efve.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, wait a second, Rob.\u00a0 You are a pastor\u2014a senior pastor of a large church in Chicago.\u00a0 You\u2019ve done how many years of marriage preparation?\u00a0 How many hundreds of couples, undoubtedly?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Are you rubbing this in, Dennis?\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You knew there were going to be stars in the eyes; but when they came, they overwhelmed all of the logic and all of the experience of past history; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 And, with <em>my kids<\/em>\u2014three of them were in their 20s when Rhonda and I were starting to consider dating.\u00a0 I was very upfront with them, from the beginning, and their initial response was really, really positive.\u00a0 That set us in a certain trajectory; but all of that\u2014as sort of outsiders\u2014looking down the road and thinking, \u201cYes, this makes sense.\u00a0 You sort of add two and two and get four.\u201d\u00a0 But when Rhonda and I got married and we began to live together, you begin to figure out, \u201cHow are we going to do Christmas?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cYou mean we\u2019re not going to have that traditional Christmas Eve meal?\u201d\u00a0 All sorts of reality settle in\u2014it\u2019s a <em>whole<\/em> different animal.\u00a0 Rhonda and I would both say we were really surprised about\u2014we were not prepared for\u2014in hindsight, it would have been better for everybody if we had gone more slowly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron, is it safe to say that maybe a couple, who are in a remarried situation, should not only go through marriage preparation for them but, also, perhaps, their children should go through some kind of marriage preparation?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes; ideally, that\u2019s exactly the case.\u00a0 I talk about pre-stepfamily counseling\u2014not just premarital counseling\u2014where the kids <em>are<\/em> involved and they <em>are <\/em>engaged in conversation and a counselor <em>does <\/em>get to invite them to talk about their different thoughts and feelings.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, let me just comment on something that Rob and Rhonda said\u2014the hot\/cold is a very common response from the kids.\u00a0 They got an initial hot, \u201cHey, yes.\u00a0 Go for it, Dad!\u00a0 This seems to make sense.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a very common feeling for some kids to have and yet, when reality begins to set in, even during the dating season\u2014it usually hits really hard after the wedding, but even during that dating\u2014there can be a \u201cHey, wait a minute!\u00a0 This means a lot of change for me.\u00a0 This means Dad is not as available.\u00a0 Mom is not as available to me as she was when it was just about us.\u00a0 Now, she\u2019s giving time and energies to somebody else.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose are all very hard realities, and that\u2019s usually when kids pull back and go cold on this whole idea of you dating.\u00a0 Just because you hear, \u201cHey, whatever makes you happy, Mom (or Dad),\u201d doesn\u2019t necessarily mean you <em>really<\/em> have their permission or that you really have their blessing.\u00a0 Pre-stepfamily counseling allows everybody to process those things slowly\u2014in a way that helps the family\u2014as the entire family date\u2014the entire family move forward in assessing whether there is a familyness fit\u2014not just a coupleness fit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I heard Rob say it would have been better if they had gone slower.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But I\u2019m wondering if, in this pre-stepfamily counseling, this man and woman who are now very drawn to one another and very much in love with one another\u2014they find out that there are things in the family dynamic that are going to be problematic.\u00a0 Is it right\u2014 \u201cWe love each other, but we\u2019re not going to get married because the kids aren\u2019t going to buy-in?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s cut to the chase, here\u2014in my opinion, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 I think familyness ought to be as much a factor in a decision about marriage as is coupleness.\u00a0 One of the mantras I tell couples, all of the time, is that, \u201cTime is your friend.\u00a0 Time is you friend.\u00a0 Time is helping you to assess the fit\u2014not only as a couple\u2014but as a family.\u00a0 Time is helping you heal from whatever brought you to this place in your life.\u00a0 Time is going to help you get out of your infatuation and get to some reasonable assessment of your relationship and how well you\u2019ll do together.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you rush it\u2014if you ignore fears from a child and just move forward anyway\u2014then, oftentimes, that\u2019s the death.\u00a0 A quick illustration of that:\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell you how many families I\u2019ve counseled where one of the children\u2014oftentimes, even an adult child in their 30s\u2014it could be a 12-year-old, but it could also be a 35-year-old\u2014who is watching a parent date rapidly.\u00a0 During that rapid dating period, the child makes a judgment.\u00a0 They say to themselves, \u201cThere\u2019s no way this is right.\u00a0 Mom (or Dad) is just moving on too fast.\u00a0 They\u2019re ignoring the warning signs.\u00a0 They\u2019re out of their head.\u00a0 They wouldn\u2019t let me date anybody that way.\u00a0 So, this can\u2019t be right.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen they make that judgment, let me tell you, that has detrimental effects because when that kid says, \u201cThis is not good,\u201d then, they tend to hold onto that judgment, even years into the marriage.\u00a0 They tend to say, \u201cNope, this is not good;\u201d and they don\u2019t give it a chance.\u00a0 So, slowing down and letting time be your friend\u2014pacing the dating in a way that is sensitive to where the children are is very important to the longevity of the marriage.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I can understand when there is a child old enough to be able to articulate the fear and maybe some question about the relationship; but I\u2019m looking across the table here, at Sabrina, who has a four-year-old and a two-year-old\u2014who can\u2019t begin to articulate at that level.\u00a0 In fact, the way they may deal with it is\u2014they may spin off into an emotional fit\u2014they may act out their fear in a number of ways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSabrina, you\u2019ve now been a single parent and\u2014obviously, not since the very beginning of the death of your husband\u2014but in the past few months, have thought about dating.\u00a0 Have you noticed your son and your daughter doing anything kind of irregular when a guy shows up, who is kind of interested in you?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know, Dennis, from the very beginning, I was most concerned about the fact that there was a hole in their life\u2014that they didn\u2019t have a father.\u00a0 Whenever I would have grief for them and grief they didn\u2019t have a father in their life, I would hear the Lord saying to me, \u201cI am their Father.\u00a0 I am their Father.\u201d\u00a0 I don\u2019t have to be fearful that they\u2019re somehow going to miss out on something; but at first, it was scary to me.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve got to get down to the hardware store and get a replacement part for the one that\u2019s gone missing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It may sound crass, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there was a reason for that.\u00a0 Your husband\u2019s dad died when he was a little boy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 When he was two-and-a-half\u2014the same age as my son.\u00a0 He wanted him to have a father.\u00a0 He wanted him to have a father.\u00a0 He felt like he wanted a dad, his whole life, and didn\u2019t have one.\u00a0 He said, \u201cIf anything ever happens to me, I want you to get married again because I want my children to have a father.\u201d\u00a0 I felt I needed to honor that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, you looked for the hardware store.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, I went down and started looking, \u201cWho do I have?\u00a0 What are my choices?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 I met a man, who\u2014and we just got into a conversation.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWell, my mother was widowed when I was a little boy.\u00a0 My earliest memories of her were her going off on dates.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, how did that make you feel?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cI didn\u2019t feel badly about it.\u00a0 It was just part of life.\u201d\u00a0 Right then, I determined that, just because my children were small, didn\u2019t mean they didn\u2019t know what was going on.\u00a0 They knew what was going on, and I had to be very sensitive to what they saw during that time.\u00a0 Even then, I decided that I wouldn\u2019t meet dates at my house\u2014that the men that I let be in their lives would have to be good people.\u00a0 I had to make sure that they were good people.\u00a0 They had to come through that filter another way\u2014other than dating.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, to answer your question, \u201cYes; when they are around men, they do act differently.\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s amazing to me\u2014at two- and four-years-old, they know they don\u2019t have a dad.\u00a0 They know.\u00a0 They recognize it.\u00a0 When they see other men, they call them \u201cDaddy.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ll say, \u201cYes, that\u2019s so and so\u2019s daddy\u201d or, \u201cThat\u2019s a daddy in the home.\u201d\u00a0 They realize that they don\u2019t have that, but they\u2019re not missing something.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t hurt them emotionally in the way that I think it might.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn other words, I don\u2019t have to hurry to fill that hole because God is their Father, and they do have father-figures in their lives, and they love being around men.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing to see that when the men come, they do have fun with them\u2014they throw them up in the air\u2014they do the things I can\u2019t do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong>\u00a0 They need that! But they are getting it.\u00a0 They are getting men in their lives\u2014godly men\u2014men that I know through friendships\u2014who can be a father-figure to them without, \u201cMommy dating all of the time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing I\u2019ve done, too, is I\u2019ve restricted myself to one or two nights a week to be away from them.\u00a0 I try not to spend too much time going out and letting babysitters watch them because I want them to know they\u2019re important to me and that the dating part of it is secondary, not primary in my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sabrina, as you were talking, I couldn\u2019t help but think about a quote by Martin Lloyd Jones that I usually share with single women, all the time; but it would relate to a single man or a single woman, especially in a remarriage situation.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking about Ron\u2019s advice here\u2014that time is your friend.\u00a0 \u201cFaith is the refusal to panic.\u201d\u00a0 Faith is the refusal to panic.\u00a0 The reason he could say that is there is a God who is sovereignly in control of this world.\u00a0 He knows our dilemma, He knows our needs, and He knows each person by name.\u00a0 He\u2019s got a plan.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to panic and run to the hardware store to go get a guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it\u2019s good to realize, too, that you don\u2019t want to be driven in this process by your loneliness, by your losses, or by the emptiness you may be feeling.\u00a0 You want to be prayerful, be thoughtful, be wise, and get some counsel.\u00a0 Get a copy of Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>Dating and the Single <\/em>Parent\u2014that has just come out.\u00a0 Ron offers good, solid, wise, practical counsel about things like:\u00a0 \u201cHow to determine if you\u2019re ready to date?\u201d \u201cHow do you talk with your kids about dating?\u201d \u201cHow do you avoid making big mistakes?\u201d\u00a0 I think it helps to have that kind of input as you start to consider this process. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, there may be a lot of our listeners who aren\u2019t in this situation themselves; but they know a single parent who is thinking about dating or already there.\u00a0 Get a copy of Ron\u2019s book, and give it to them as a gift.\u00a0 In fact, this would be a great way to begin a conversation with them, and to serve them, and maybe open the door to a conversation about where they are spiritually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Look for information on Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>It\u2019s one of the many resources that we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center that Ron has written.\u00a0 Ron is, as Dennis mentioned, the blended and stepfamily expert for us, here, at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 You can find out more about the resources he has available for blended and stepfamilies, along with this new book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent.<\/em>\u00a0 Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call, toll-free, at 1-800-FL-TODAY to get more information about the resources that we have available.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI should also mention that, this month, we are making some of Ron\u2019s resources available for those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\u00a0We are listener-supported.\u00a0 Your donations make this program possible.\u00a0 They help cover both the production and the syndication costs to keep <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>on the air on our network of stations, all across the country.\u00a0 This month, if you can make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>we\u2019ll give you your choice of Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Remarriage Checkup<\/em>,or you can get a couple of CDs, where we talk with Ron about stepdads and stepmoms and what they need to think about\u2014how they can be the most effective stepdads and stepmoms they can possibly be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the \u201cI CARE\u201d button to make an online donation.\u00a0 You can take your pick of resources that are listed there as our thank-you gift to you, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone, and be sure to ask about the blended family resources we have available.\u00a0 We\u2019ll let you know what\u2019s available and make arrangements to send one of those resources out to you.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s as a way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support of the ministry.\u201d\u00a0 We do appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to encourage you to be back with us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk again with Rob and Rhonda Bugh, and Sabrina Beasley, and Ron Deal about dating again, as a single-parent.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can join us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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