{"id":302569,"date":"2012-08-02T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-08-02T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/modeling-repentance\/"},"modified":"2012-08-02T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-08-02T15:00:00","slug":"modeling-repentance","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/modeling-repentance\/","title":{"rendered":"Modeling Repentance"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Kids aren&#8217;t the only ones who mess up. Parents often do as well.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-08-02.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"40.64M","filesize_raw":"42618321","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2833],"tags":[4276],"podcast_series":[7889],"cwp_profile":[3076],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302569","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-godly-legacy","tag-legacy","podcast_series-never-walk-away","cwp_profile-crawford-loritts","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302569\/modeling-repentance","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302569\/modeling-repentance","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"mUGz6nTHwp\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/modeling-repentance\/\">Modeling Repentance<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/modeling-repentance\/embed\/#?secret=mUGz6nTHwp\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Modeling Repentance&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"mUGz6nTHwp\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-08-02.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-08-02.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you need to cultivate in your sons and daughters a healthy self-esteem?\u00a0 Dr. Crawford Loritts says, \u201cYes, but\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think there is a tender balance we have to have.\u00a0 God does not reject our personhood.\u00a0 He affirms all that we are.\u00a0 We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yet, on the other hand, we also have to be in touch with the reality that in us lies no good thing\u2014in us, in us\u2014not us but in us lies no good thing.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a <em>big <\/em>mistake to raise our kids with them thinking that they don\u2019t have the propensity or the ability to be awful!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If your kids are going to get an accurate picture of their nature, they\u2019re going to need to see you blow it and repent.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been getting some help this week on understanding what it means for men to be men\u2014and\u00a0 got a guest joining us today who is helping us get a vision for what it looks like for a man to be a patriarch.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s exactly right\u2014with us, on the broadcast, Crawford Loritts.\u00a0 Crawford\u2014welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good to be here, Dennis.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Crawford is a great friend.\u00a0 He and his wife Karen are really bosom buddies of Barbara and mine.\u00a0 We enjoy spending time with them.\u00a0 They live in Atlanta, Georgia, along with their four children.\u00a0 Crawford\u2014we so appreciate your work in urban families, across America.\u00a0 It\u2019s so valuable.\u00a0 You know that we, here at FamilyLife, believe in you and your ministry and count it a privilege to partner with you and help you in every way possible to strengthen urban families.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>You\u2019ve written a book called <em>Never Walk Away: Lessons on Integrity from a Father Who Lived It<\/em>.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got a section which talks about discipline.\u00a0 In sharing some lessons you learned from your father, you take us back to a day in 1962 that was burned into your memory because you stole something.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I\u2019d have to say that this is probably the most important lesson I\u2019ve learned in my life having to do with shame\u2014the good thing about shame.\u00a0 Let me tell you the story.\u00a0 In 1962, I was going to Central Avenue Middle School.\u00a0 It was June\u2014early June.\u00a0 There, in the Northeast, we get out of school later.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You lived in Newark.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 We lived in Newark, New Jersey.\u00a0 The school was about maybe a mile\u2014mile and a half away.\u00a0 We walked to school.\u00a0 I was walking with a bunch of my friends.\u00a0 We walk passed this factory that made chains for necklaces and that kind of thing.\u00a0 It\u2019s an inner-city type of factory.\u00a0 Trucks pulled right up onto the driveway, right off the curb there.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Well, they had a bunch of these boxes of chains out on the sidewalk.\u00a0 A few of my other friends\u2014a few of my friends said\u2014had the bright idea of snatching a few and running.\u00a0 Well, I was very susceptible to peer pressure.\u00a0 I\u2019d never stolen anything in my life, but I was with the group.\u00a0 I grabbed a handful.\u00a0 They grabbed a handful, and we really took off.\u00a0 I literally\u2014that\u2019s the only time I did it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, my other friends decided to become more entrepreneurial in their escapades.\u00a0 They, I understand, went back several times.\u00a0 It seems like, whenever I had a crisis experience or whatever, my dad happened to be home.\u00a0 This one evening, he was off again.\u00a0 The police came to my house.\u00a0 They came to our apartment\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 Hello!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014knocked on the door; open the door.\u00a0 My father\u2014I\u2019ll never forget his words\u2014he said, \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d\u00a0 They said, \u201cWell, we have two of your son\u2019s friends in the car downstairs.\u201d\u00a0 I did what any noble 12-year-old boy would do under those circumstances\u2014I lied.\u00a0 So, this is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You said you didn\u2019t steal the chains.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 I told them I didn\u2019t steal the chains\u2014and this is a true story, I tell you\u2014open my dresser drawer, right there, underneath my undershorts were those chains.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Your dad made you do that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was he standing over your shoulder?<br><br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 He was standing right there, he and my mother.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is this while the police are still there?\u00a0 <br><br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 The police are there\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, man!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and I\u2019m caught red-handed.\u00a0 My father said nothing.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWe will come with you,\u201d but my dad said this to the police officer.\u00a0 He said, \u201cI don\u2019t want those boys driving in that police car.\u00a0 Can you let me take them?\u201d\u00a0 He went downstairs, got those boys out of that police car.\u00a0 They came from homes that didn\u2019t have fathers, and he knew them.\u00a0 They lived around the block.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, why did he do that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Because of the shame associated with it.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want them riding in a police car down the streets.\u00a0 He said, \u201cI\u2019ll take them.\u00a0 Would you let me take my son and his two friends to the factory?\u201d\u00a0 See, the foreman wanted to see us.\u00a0 We got there, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you take the chains with you as you drove to the factory?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what happened to those chains!\u00a0 My father probably scooped them up or\u2014I don\u2019t know what happened to them, but we went down there.\u00a0 The foreman, or the manager of the place, or whoever it was scared us royally.\u00a0 My father said that I would do whatever was necessary to pay for what I had taken.\u00a0 He said, \u201cThese boys will, too.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was the police officer there?\u00a0 <br><br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, he was there.\u00a0 The manager forgave us of it and didn\u2019t press charges.\u00a0 My father took them home first\u2014those two boys home first\u2014and made them tell their mothers what had happened down at the place.\u00a0 My father said, in front of those boys\u2019 mothers, about how important it is not for them to initiate a lifestyle like that.\u00a0 He said, \u201cAnd I hope you discipline them because they can\u2019t do this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Then, we came home\u2014and I\u2019ll never forget this\u2014my dad had never\u2014I\u2019d never seen my father cry up until that point, except for at the death of his sister and brother.\u00a0 He said this to me, with the tears streaming down his face.\u00a0 He said to me, \u201cBoy, if you wanted something, why didn\u2019t you ask me?\u00a0 You don\u2019t ever have to steal anything.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he said these words that tore me up.\u00a0 He said, \u201cBoy, you hurt my heart.\u00a0 You hurt my heart.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he went ahead and disciplined me.\u00a0 He spanked me and took away some of my privileges for quite awhile and other things like that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know the thing I remember more than anything else?\u00a0 Whenever I was tempted to take something that didn\u2019t belong to me, what I saw was my dad\u2019s face and the tear trickling down his cheek.\u00a0 That shame became a good thing.\u00a0 It was contrition, and I understood later in life what biblical contrition\u2014Every time I read Psalm 51, verse 17, I remember that experience.\u00a0 It says, \u201cThe sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.\u00a0 A broken and a contrite heart, Oh God, Thou wilt not despise.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s good for our children\u2014and I know this runs against the grain of what some people are saying these days, but it\u2019s good for our children to feel shame.\u00a0 Shame is not a bad thing.\u00a0 There are some things we ought to be ashamed of!\u00a0 We ought to be ashamed of hurting and violating the trust of other people in us.\u00a0 Shame drives us to repentance.\u00a0 We ought to feel guilt when we are guilty, and we ought to embrace that guilt.\u00a0 That\u2019s the pathway to growth and development.\u00a0 It\u2019s deeply biblical.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m afraid, Dennis, that as we listen to a lot of\u2014some of the modern-day parenting theorems that are being propagated, even in some of our Christian circles.\u00a0 You know I believe in building our kids up.\u00a0 I believe in supporting them and esteeming them.\u00a0 That\u2019s all very biblical.\u00a0 There is a proper, biblical self-esteem.\u00a0 I believe in all of that, but we\u2019re sinful.\u00a0 We ought to be afraid of sin.\u00a0 We ought to realize the pain that sin causes.\u00a0 We ought to be scared of it.\u00a0 There is a holy fear that should grip us.\u00a0 There is a sense of dread that we ought to have concerning it.\u00a0 The violation of trust\u2014in that sense\u2014 \u201cGodly sorrow,\u201d as Paul says, \u201cdrives us to repentance.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what shame is about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy father could have done a number of things.\u00a0 He could have spanked me out of pure anger.\u00a0 He could have ignored it because, in the scheme of things, it was not really a big deal.\u00a0 He could have said, \u201cHey, don\u2019t do this anymore.\u00a0 We know better that you know better than this,\u201d but he opened up his heart.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think he processed it this way\u2014my dad was no Bible scholar or anything like that, but he opened up his heart.\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019ve given you my heart, boy.\u00a0 I\u2019ve given you who I am, and you turn around and do this?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tContrition is the active remembrance of the pain that our sin caused.\u00a0 It\u2019s not the guilt, but don\u2019t ever\u2014I think it\u2019s a mistake when you tell people, \u201cOh, forget about your sin and forget about what you did.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been forgiven.\u201d\u00a0 Don\u2019t tell them that!\u00a0 That\u2019s not biblical.\u00a0 You remember that.\u00a0 Rejoice that the guilt has been taken but remember the pain because in that pain is your redemption.\u00a0 It\u2019s your protection and sanctification.\u00a0 It\u2019s a holy handicap that keeps you growing in godliness.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you have any idea what happened to those other two young men?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 We moved from Newark at the end of the month of\u2014at the end of June of 1962.\u00a0 That took place earlier, but they were walking down a path that spelled, \u201cNo Outlet.\u201d\u00a0 Part of the reason why we were able to move then\u2014the community was\u2014there was some bad influences taking place\u2014Pop just sort of felt like, \u201cNow is time to make a change.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wanted to quickly say this, though, on the other hand.\u00a0 There are those who can\u2019t afford to leave their communities.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think the answer is always leaving your community.\u00a0 I don\u2019t mean to suggest that; but those fellows, they\u2014because of the absence of other kinds of influences in their lives, probably went down a road that was fairly destructive.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was intrigued by something that your dad did.\u00a0 Again, he may not have even done it consciously.\u00a0 Although, I think, in the back of his mind, it was a powerful idea.\u00a0 He made sure that you and those other two young men didn\u2019t ride in a police car.\u00a0 I think part of what he was thinking, at that point, was, \u201cI don\u2019t want, in the back of their minds, to have their identity labeled as \u2018criminals\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, but I know my dad, too.\u00a0 I could almost guarantee you another thing that was racing across his mind\u2014 was, \u201cThis is my house, and this is my son.\u00a0 I will correct it.\u00a0 Let me have the first shot at correcting his behavior.\u00a0 If this doesn\u2019t correct it, then, I\u2019ll turn him over to you.\u201d\u00a0 I think that that was probably racing\u2014knowing him, he used to say that, \u201cThis is my house.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe shame-thing with these other boys\u2014my father, yes, he taught me about caring for other people\u2014high value of his.\u00a0 He\u2014there were a lot of kids in our neighborhood\u00a0 that didn\u2019t have dads in the home, and Pop would take them\u2014make sure they got registered for ball, up at the Boys\u2019 Club.\u00a0 He would just kind of be around there.\u00a0 There were even a few of the parents that would allow him to discipline their children.\u00a0 Back in those days\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014as a male role model.\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I remember one kid, down the street.\u00a0 My father got permission to discipline him.\u00a0 He was just out of control.\u00a0 The people in the community loved my dad.\u00a0 They really, really did; and he cared for these boys.\u00a0 He had just a special, warm spot for some of these other boys.\u00a0 He tried to do the best that he could with them, as well.\u00a0 That was part of it that was motivating him.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Crawford, all week we\u2019ve talked about lessons you\u2019ve learned from your father.\u00a0 We\u2019ve also seen how you have passed on those principles and those lessons to your kids.\u00a0 Can you think of a moment, a situation, a circumstance, with one of your kids, where you allowed this principle of shame to ultimately create a contrite and a broken heart in one of your children?\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I can think of a number of occasions.\u00a0 One of them has to do with our oldest son, Bryan, which is very\u2014this is very unusual for him.\u00a0 Bryan has always been very well-behaved in school and what have you, but when he was a senior\u2014and I tell this in the book\u2014so, I\u2019ve got his permission to share this\u2014but when he was a senior in high school, he got kicked out of class, which was unusual!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>In the providence of God\u2014I\u2019m very seldom at home in the middle of the day\u2014but I had to come by the house to get something.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember what it was.\u00a0 As soon as I walked in the house, the phone rang.\u00a0 It was his teacher, his English teacher that said\u2014asked, \u201cIs Bryan Loritts there?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cNo, he\u2019s supposed to be in school.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhat\u2019s the problem?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, Mr. Loritts, I had to ask Bryan to leave the class.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cBryan Loritts, you had to ask him to leave the class?!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is your first-born.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 So\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Straight as an arrow.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, straight as an arrow.\u00a0 So, I said, \u201cSon!\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhat is going on?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, he was very disrespectful to me;\u201d and something had happened.\u00a0 \u201cWell,\u201d I said, \u201cI\u2019ll be right there.\u201d\u00a0 The school wasn\u2019t too far.\u00a0 Bryan was supposed to be in the attendance office.\u00a0 That\u2019s where you go when things like that happen.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t there.\u00a0 So, I go in the gym; and there he was shooting hoops, in the middle of the day, in the gym.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said to him\u2014I said, \u201cYou want to help me understand what\u2019s going on here?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 Somebody needs to fill in some gaps here.\u201d\u00a0 The bottom-line was that there was a little bit of a misunderstanding, but Bryan was still disrespectful.\u00a0 He was foolish.\u00a0 He just did something that was out of character, and I had to remind him\u2014at first, he wanted to play it off.\u00a0 I said, \u201cSon, I take this to be very serious; and you need to be ashamed of your behavior.\u00a0 This is not right.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI made him look the teacher in the eye\u2014apologize to the teacher for not doing for what he needed to do.\u00a0 Then, we had a couple of other corrective measures\u2014let him know that being grown doesn\u2019t mean that you do what you want to do.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had to embrace shame.\u00a0 It works both ways.\u00a0 As a parent, I\u2019ve had to do whatever is necessary to repent of my wrongdoing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I wrote the book, I was teaching Bryndan how to drive, which was an interesting\u2014as most parents, listening to me.\u00a0 For whatever reason, I made him drive my car, which is bigger than his mother\u2019s car.\u00a0 He likes driving his mother\u2019s car.\u00a0 This one morning, I don\u2019t know what got into me.\u00a0 It was a power thing, and I made a mistake of getting down on his level.\u00a0 I made him drive the car.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to drive the car.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why I made him do it, to this very day; but I made him drive the car.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe was really steaming and upset about it.\u00a0 He drove it, and I was ticked at him because of his attitude and this kind of thing.\u00a0 After I dropped him off at school, I started going back to the office.\u00a0 It was as if the Spirit of God said to me, \u201cAttitude?\u00a0 Look at you!\u00a0 Who are you?\u00a0 He\u2019s a good kid.\u00a0 Why did you make him do this?\u00a0 Because you just had a selfish side of you\u2014you wanted to prove how powerful you are.\u00a0 Why did you play this game?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI turned the car around, got back to school, and called him out of class.\u00a0 He came down the hallway.\u00a0 I put my arm around him and said, \u201cBryndan, I was just really silly and stupid; and I was wrong.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t have to drive this car.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why I put the hammer down on you like this.\u00a0 Will you please forgive me?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cMan, you came all the way back here for that?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 He put his arm around me and said, \u201cI forgive you, Dad.\u00a0 Just have a good day,\u201d and he walked on down\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe blow it, too, as parents.\u00a0 I think the embracing of shame needs to be modeled on both sides.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Crawford, you talked about our kids\u2019 self-esteem and about their self-concept.\u00a0 Is there a concern that we ought to have about this issue of shame and whether it will mark our kids\u2019 identity for life?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think there is a tender balance we have to have.\u00a0 God does not reject our personhood.\u00a0 He affirms all that we are.\u00a0 We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.\u00a0 Yet, we also have to embrace the fact that the Savior of the world had to die and shed His blood because of our sin.\u00a0 So, there\u2019s a stereo that we have to keep listening to that, \u201cYes, the bottom-line is that God loves us in such a great way that He sacrificed the very best He had and we\u2019re worth something to God.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the other hand, we also have to be touch with the reality that in us lies no good thing\u2014in us, in us\u2014not us but in us lies no good thing.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a <em>big<\/em> mistake to raise our kids with them thinking that they don\u2019t have the propensity or the ability to be awful, to be horrible.\u00a0 It ought\u2014we ought to point out the traits.\u00a0 I think we ought to affirm them in the great things and always love them, but point out the traits that can be tendencies in their lives that will destroy them.\u00a0 Let them get an emotional attachment to that\u2014that fear\u2014that being afraid.\u00a0 It\u2019s a difficult thing to answer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Crawford, as you\u2019ve talked today, several principles have emerged here, just for us, as parents.\u00a0 I want to just summarize them quickly.\u00a0 First of all, we\u2019ve got to understand shame and how God wants to use it in our lives and in our children\u2019s lives to bring about repentance so that we experience the cost of sin, the pain of sin\u2014so that the next time we face it, we turn away from evil and do good.\u00a0 Theologically speaking, we begin to understand that true repentance comes from a sorrowful heart.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second thing we need to know is that, as parents, we need to actively allow that shame to settle in and, then, guide our children through the process of forgiveness, and of discipline, and of character-building that can only occur through having a relationship with them.\u00a0 Your dad had a relationship with you.\u00a0 You said it over and over again today.\u00a0 He loved you.\u00a0 You knew he was for you; but at the same time, he wasn\u2019t going to let you get away with it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thirdly, dealing with this shame and guiding our children through this means giving them a vision for their lives, which means we separate the sin from the sinner and help them realize that, although they are deeply fallen, deeply depraved, they are highly-loved and that God has a purpose for their lives to\u2014and a higher call that means you can\u2019t live in sin.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to live on a higher plan, around a spiritual calling, and a spiritual purpose for God.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour dad\u2014although I never met him, never knew him\u2014your dad was a wise father.\u00a0 He was a wise man.\u00a0 He gave us an illustration here through your life that equips us as, parents, I think, to raise another generation of kids who are called away from evil to do good and to do what\u2019s right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we\u2019ve got to be aware of that, as dads.\u00a0 We have to recognize that we have a responsibility to live with integrity before our children and, then, to call them to step up and to be men of integrity.\u00a0 In fact, I\u2019ve been interested.\u00a0 There have been some dads who have contacted us about the National Men\u2019s Simulcast that we\u2019re hosting on Saturday.\u00a0 Crawford\u2019s going to be speaking there.\u00a0 Dennis, you\u2019re going to be speaking there\u2014James MacDonald, Robert Lewis.\u00a0 They\u2019ve said, \u201cDo you think it is okay for us to bring our sons to this event?\u201d\u00a0 We said, \u201cYes, absolutely!\u201d\u00a0 You know, if you\u2019ve got a young man who is 15-, 16-, 17-, 18-years-old or older, bring them out with you and let them get a picture of what biblical manhood ought to look like.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCome to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about the National Men\u2019s Simulcast that we are hosting this Saturday, 9:00 to 1:00, Eastern time; 8:00 to noon, Central time.\u00a0 It\u2019s originating in Chicago and being hosted in churches all around the country.\u00a0 You can find out more about the simulcast, again, when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>There\u2019s also information on our website about the upcoming video resources that FamilyLife is releasing.\u00a0 The <em>Stepping Up<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> men\u2019s series and the <em>Stepping Up<\/em> video event\u2014those are going to be out later this fall, but you can get more information about what\u2019s coming up when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We\u2019re excited about the stepping up message\u2014what you\u2019re going to hear on Saturday, what you\u2019ll hear in these video resources, the book that Dennis has written on this theme.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we\u2019ve got a CD of you challenging men, Dennis, to step up.\u00a0 We\u2019re making that CD available this week, along with a CD from your wife Barbara talking to wives about what a wife can do to help her husband step up.\u00a0 Those two CD\u2019s are our thank-you gift, this week, for listeners who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>with a donation.\u00a0 Your donations are what make it possible for us to produce and syndicate this radio program, to keep it on this local station and around the world on the internet.\u00a0 We appreciate your financial support for the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d, make an online donation\u2014we\u2019ll automatically send you the two CDs\u2014one of Dennis, one of Barbara Rainey talking about stepping up and helping your husband step up.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make your donation over the phone.\u00a0 If you do that, just ask for the CDs on <em>Stepping Up<\/em>; and we\u2019re happy to get them out to you.\u00a0 We do appreciate your partnership with us, here, in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to encourage you to be back with us again tomorrow.\u00a0 Dr. Crawford Loritts is joining us again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about the importance of courage\u2014the need for men to be courageous.\u00a0 That comes up tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can join us for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["40.64M"],"filesize_raw":["42618321"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302569.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302569.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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aren't the only ones who mess up. Parents often do as well.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-08-02.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you need to cultivate in your sons and daughters a healthy self-esteem?\u00a0 Dr. Crawford Loritts says, \u201cYes, but\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think there is a tender balance we have to have.\u00a0 God does not reject our personhood.\u00a0 He affirms all that we are.\u00a0 We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yet, on the other hand, we also have to be in touch with the reality that in us lies no good thing\u2014in us, in us\u2014not us but in us lies no good thing.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a <em>big <\/em>mistake to raise our kids with them thinking that they don\u2019t have the propensity or the ability to be awful!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for August 2<sup>nd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If your kids are going to get an accurate picture of their nature, they\u2019re going to need to see you blow it and repent.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been getting some help this week on understanding what it means for men to be men\u2014and\u00a0 got a guest joining us today who is helping us get a vision for what it looks like for a man to be a patriarch.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s exactly right\u2014with us, on the broadcast, Crawford Loritts.\u00a0 Crawford\u2014welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good to be here, Dennis.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Crawford is a great friend.\u00a0 He and his wife Karen are really bosom buddies of Barbara and mine.\u00a0 We enjoy spending time with them.\u00a0 They live in Atlanta, Georgia, along with their four children.\u00a0 Crawford\u2014we so appreciate your work in urban families, across America.\u00a0 It\u2019s so valuable.\u00a0 You know that we, here at FamilyLife, believe in you and your ministry and count it a privilege to partner with you and help you in every way possible to strengthen urban families.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>You\u2019ve written a book called <em>Never Walk Away: Lessons on Integrity from a Father Who Lived It<\/em>.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got a section which talks about discipline.\u00a0 In sharing some lessons you learned from your father, you take us back to a day in 1962 that was burned into your memory because you stole something.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I\u2019d have to say that this is probably the most important lesson I\u2019ve learned in my life having to do with shame\u2014the good thing about shame.\u00a0 Let me tell you the story.\u00a0 In 1962, I was going to Central Avenue Middle School.\u00a0 It was June\u2014early June.\u00a0 There, in the Northeast, we get out of school later.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You lived in Newark.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 We lived in Newark, New Jersey.\u00a0 The school was about maybe a mile\u2014mile and a half away.\u00a0 We walked to school.\u00a0 I was walking with a bunch of my friends.\u00a0 We walk passed this factory that made chains for necklaces and that kind of thing.\u00a0 It\u2019s an inner-city type of factory.\u00a0 Trucks pulled right up onto the driveway, right off the curb there.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Well, they had a bunch of these boxes of chains out on the sidewalk.\u00a0 A few of my other friends\u2014a few of my friends said\u2014had the bright idea of snatching a few and running.\u00a0 Well, I was very susceptible to peer pressure.\u00a0 I\u2019d never stolen anything in my life, but I was with the group.\u00a0 I grabbed a handful.\u00a0 They grabbed a handful, and we really took off.\u00a0 I literally\u2014that\u2019s the only time I did it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, my other friends decided to become more entrepreneurial in their escapades.\u00a0 They, I understand, went back several times.\u00a0 It seems like, whenever I had a crisis experience or whatever, my dad happened to be home.\u00a0 This one evening, he was off again.\u00a0 The police came to my house.\u00a0 They came to our apartment\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 Hello!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014knocked on the door; open the door.\u00a0 My father\u2014I\u2019ll never forget his words\u2014he said, \u201cWhat are you doing here?\u201d\u00a0 They said, \u201cWell, we have two of your son\u2019s friends in the car downstairs.\u201d\u00a0 I did what any noble 12-year-old boy would do under those circumstances\u2014I lied.\u00a0 So, this is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You said you didn\u2019t steal the chains.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 I told them I didn\u2019t steal the chains\u2014and this is a true story, I tell you\u2014open my dresser drawer, right there, underneath my undershorts were those chains.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Your dad made you do that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was he standing over your shoulder?<br><br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 He was standing right there, he and my mother.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is this while the police are still there?\u00a0 <br><br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 The police are there\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, man!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and I\u2019m caught red-handed.\u00a0 My father said nothing.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWe will come with you,\u201d but my dad said this to the police officer.\u00a0 He said, \u201cI don\u2019t want those boys driving in that police car.\u00a0 Can you let me take them?\u201d\u00a0 He went downstairs, got those boys out of that police car.\u00a0 They came from homes that didn\u2019t have fathers, and he knew them.\u00a0 They lived around the block.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, why did he do that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Because of the shame associated with it.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want them riding in a police car down the streets.\u00a0 He said, \u201cI\u2019ll take them.\u00a0 Would you let me take my son and his two friends to the factory?\u201d\u00a0 See, the foreman wanted to see us.\u00a0 We got there, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you take the chains with you as you drove to the factory?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what happened to those chains!\u00a0 My father probably scooped them up or\u2014I don\u2019t know what happened to them, but we went down there.\u00a0 The foreman, or the manager of the place, or whoever it was scared us royally.\u00a0 My father said that I would do whatever was necessary to pay for what I had taken.\u00a0 He said, \u201cThese boys will, too.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was the police officer there?\u00a0 <br><br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, he was there.\u00a0 The manager forgave us of it and didn\u2019t press charges.\u00a0 My father took them home first\u2014those two boys home first\u2014and made them tell their mothers what had happened down at the place.\u00a0 My father said, in front of those boys\u2019 mothers, about how important it is not for them to initiate a lifestyle like that.\u00a0 He said, \u201cAnd I hope you discipline them because they can\u2019t do this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Then, we came home\u2014and I\u2019ll never forget this\u2014my dad had never\u2014I\u2019d never seen my father cry up until that point, except for at the death of his sister and brother.\u00a0 He said this to me, with the tears streaming down his face.\u00a0 He said to me, \u201cBoy, if you wanted something, why didn\u2019t you ask me?\u00a0 You don\u2019t ever have to steal anything.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he said these words that tore me up.\u00a0 He said, \u201cBoy, you hurt my heart.\u00a0 You hurt my heart.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he went ahead and disciplined me.\u00a0 He spanked me and took away some of my privileges for quite awhile and other things like that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know the thing I remember more than anything else?\u00a0 Whenever I was tempted to take something that didn\u2019t belong to me, what I saw was my dad\u2019s face and the tear trickling down his cheek.\u00a0 That shame became a good thing.\u00a0 It was contrition, and I understood later in life what biblical contrition\u2014Every time I read Psalm 51, verse 17, I remember that experience.\u00a0 It says, \u201cThe sacrifices of God are a broken spirit.\u00a0 A broken and a contrite heart, Oh God, Thou wilt not despise.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s good for our children\u2014and I know this runs against the grain of what some people are saying these days, but it\u2019s good for our children to feel shame.\u00a0 Shame is not a bad thing.\u00a0 There are some things we ought to be ashamed of!\u00a0 We ought to be ashamed of hurting and violating the trust of other people in us.\u00a0 Shame drives us to repentance.\u00a0 We ought to feel guilt when we are guilty, and we ought to embrace that guilt.\u00a0 That\u2019s the pathway to growth and development.\u00a0 It\u2019s deeply biblical.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m afraid, Dennis, that as we listen to a lot of\u2014some of the modern-day parenting theorems that are being propagated, even in some of our Christian circles.\u00a0 You know I believe in building our kids up.\u00a0 I believe in supporting them and esteeming them.\u00a0 That\u2019s all very biblical.\u00a0 There is a proper, biblical self-esteem.\u00a0 I believe in all of that, but we\u2019re sinful.\u00a0 We ought to be afraid of sin.\u00a0 We ought to realize the pain that sin causes.\u00a0 We ought to be scared of it.\u00a0 There is a holy fear that should grip us.\u00a0 There is a sense of dread that we ought to have concerning it.\u00a0 The violation of trust\u2014in that sense\u2014 \u201cGodly sorrow,\u201d as Paul says, \u201cdrives us to repentance.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what shame is about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy father could have done a number of things.\u00a0 He could have spanked me out of pure anger.\u00a0 He could have ignored it because, in the scheme of things, it was not really a big deal.\u00a0 He could have said, \u201cHey, don\u2019t do this anymore.\u00a0 We know better that you know better than this,\u201d but he opened up his heart.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think he processed it this way\u2014my dad was no Bible scholar or anything like that, but he opened up his heart.\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019ve given you my heart, boy.\u00a0 I\u2019ve given you who I am, and you turn around and do this?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tContrition is the active remembrance of the pain that our sin caused.\u00a0 It\u2019s not the guilt, but don\u2019t ever\u2014I think it\u2019s a mistake when you tell people, \u201cOh, forget about your sin and forget about what you did.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been forgiven.\u201d\u00a0 Don\u2019t tell them that!\u00a0 That\u2019s not biblical.\u00a0 You remember that.\u00a0 Rejoice that the guilt has been taken but remember the pain because in that pain is your redemption.\u00a0 It\u2019s your protection and sanctification.\u00a0 It\u2019s a holy handicap that keeps you growing in godliness.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you have any idea what happened to those other two young men?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 We moved from Newark at the end of the month of\u2014at the end of June of 1962.\u00a0 That took place earlier, but they were walking down a path that spelled, \u201cNo Outlet.\u201d\u00a0 Part of the reason why we were able to move then\u2014the community was\u2014there was some bad influences taking place\u2014Pop just sort of felt like, \u201cNow is time to make a change.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wanted to quickly say this, though, on the other hand.\u00a0 There are those who can\u2019t afford to leave their communities.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think the answer is always leaving your community.\u00a0 I don\u2019t mean to suggest that; but those fellows, they\u2014because of the absence of other kinds of influences in their lives, probably went down a road that was fairly destructive.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was intrigued by something that your dad did.\u00a0 Again, he may not have even done it consciously.\u00a0 Although, I think, in the back of his mind, it was a powerful idea.\u00a0 He made sure that you and those other two young men didn\u2019t ride in a police car.\u00a0 I think part of what he was thinking, at that point, was, \u201cI don\u2019t want, in the back of their minds, to have their identity labeled as \u2018criminals\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, but I know my dad, too.\u00a0 I could almost guarantee you another thing that was racing across his mind\u2014 was, \u201cThis is my house, and this is my son.\u00a0 I will correct it.\u00a0 Let me have the first shot at correcting his behavior.\u00a0 If this doesn\u2019t correct it, then, I\u2019ll turn him over to you.\u201d\u00a0 I think that that was probably racing\u2014knowing him, he used to say that, \u201cThis is my house.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe shame-thing with these other boys\u2014my father, yes, he taught me about caring for other people\u2014high value of his.\u00a0 He\u2014there were a lot of kids in our neighborhood\u00a0 that didn\u2019t have dads in the home, and Pop would take them\u2014make sure they got registered for ball, up at the Boys\u2019 Club.\u00a0 He would just kind of be around there.\u00a0 There were even a few of the parents that would allow him to discipline their children.\u00a0 Back in those days\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014as a male role model.\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I remember one kid, down the street.\u00a0 My father got permission to discipline him.\u00a0 He was just out of control.\u00a0 The people in the community loved my dad.\u00a0 They really, really did; and he cared for these boys.\u00a0 He had just a special, warm spot for some of these other boys.\u00a0 He tried to do the best that he could with them, as well.\u00a0 That was part of it that was motivating him.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Crawford, all week we\u2019ve talked about lessons you\u2019ve learned from your father.\u00a0 We\u2019ve also seen how you have passed on those principles and those lessons to your kids.\u00a0 Can you think of a moment, a situation, a circumstance, with one of your kids, where you allowed this principle of shame to ultimately create a contrite and a broken heart in one of your children?\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I can think of a number of occasions.\u00a0 One of them has to do with our oldest son, Bryan, which is very\u2014this is very unusual for him.\u00a0 Bryan has always been very well-behaved in school and what have you, but when he was a senior\u2014and I tell this in the book\u2014so, I\u2019ve got his permission to share this\u2014but when he was a senior in high school, he got kicked out of class, which was unusual!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>In the providence of God\u2014I\u2019m very seldom at home in the middle of the day\u2014but I had to come by the house to get something.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember what it was.\u00a0 As soon as I walked in the house, the phone rang.\u00a0 It was his teacher, his English teacher that said\u2014asked, \u201cIs Bryan Loritts there?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cNo, he\u2019s supposed to be in school.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhat\u2019s the problem?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, Mr. Loritts, I had to ask Bryan to leave the class.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cBryan Loritts, you had to ask him to leave the class?!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is your first-born.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 So\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Straight as an arrow.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, straight as an arrow.\u00a0 So, I said, \u201cSon!\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhat is going on?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, he was very disrespectful to me;\u201d and something had happened.\u00a0 \u201cWell,\u201d I said, \u201cI\u2019ll be right there.\u201d\u00a0 The school wasn\u2019t too far.\u00a0 Bryan was supposed to be in the attendance office.\u00a0 That\u2019s where you go when things like that happen.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t there.\u00a0 So, I go in the gym; and there he was shooting hoops, in the middle of the day, in the gym.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said to him\u2014I said, \u201cYou want to help me understand what\u2019s going on here?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 Somebody needs to fill in some gaps here.\u201d\u00a0 The bottom-line was that there was a little bit of a misunderstanding, but Bryan was still disrespectful.\u00a0 He was foolish.\u00a0 He just did something that was out of character, and I had to remind him\u2014at first, he wanted to play it off.\u00a0 I said, \u201cSon, I take this to be very serious; and you need to be ashamed of your behavior.\u00a0 This is not right.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI made him look the teacher in the eye\u2014apologize to the teacher for not doing for what he needed to do.\u00a0 Then, we had a couple of other corrective measures\u2014let him know that being grown doesn\u2019t mean that you do what you want to do.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had to embrace shame.\u00a0 It works both ways.\u00a0 As a parent, I\u2019ve had to do whatever is necessary to repent of my wrongdoing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I wrote the book, I was teaching Bryndan how to drive, which was an interesting\u2014as most parents, listening to me.\u00a0 For whatever reason, I made him drive my car, which is bigger than his mother\u2019s car.\u00a0 He likes driving his mother\u2019s car.\u00a0 This one morning, I don\u2019t know what got into me.\u00a0 It was a power thing, and I made a mistake of getting down on his level.\u00a0 I made him drive the car.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to drive the car.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why I made him do it, to this very day; but I made him drive the car.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe was really steaming and upset about it.\u00a0 He drove it, and I was ticked at him because of his attitude and this kind of thing.\u00a0 After I dropped him off at school, I started going back to the office.\u00a0 It was as if the Spirit of God said to me, \u201cAttitude?\u00a0 Look at you!\u00a0 Who are you?\u00a0 He\u2019s a good kid.\u00a0 Why did you make him do this?\u00a0 Because you just had a selfish side of you\u2014you wanted to prove how powerful you are.\u00a0 Why did you play this game?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI turned the car around, got back to school, and called him out of class.\u00a0 He came down the hallway.\u00a0 I put my arm around him and said, \u201cBryndan, I was just really silly and stupid; and I was wrong.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t have to drive this car.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why I put the hammer down on you like this.\u00a0 Will you please forgive me?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cMan, you came all the way back here for that?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 He put his arm around me and said, \u201cI forgive you, Dad.\u00a0 Just have a good day,\u201d and he walked on down\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe blow it, too, as parents.\u00a0 I think the embracing of shame needs to be modeled on both sides.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Crawford, you talked about our kids\u2019 self-esteem and about their self-concept.\u00a0 Is there a concern that we ought to have about this issue of shame and whether it will mark our kids\u2019 identity for life?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think there is a tender balance we have to have.\u00a0 God does not reject our personhood.\u00a0 He affirms all that we are.\u00a0 We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image.\u00a0 Yet, we also have to embrace the fact that the Savior of the world had to die and shed His blood because of our sin.\u00a0 So, there\u2019s a stereo that we have to keep listening to that, \u201cYes, the bottom-line is that God loves us in such a great way that He sacrificed the very best He had and we\u2019re worth something to God.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the other hand, we also have to be touch with the reality that in us lies no good thing\u2014in us, in us\u2014not us but in us lies no good thing.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s a <em>big<\/em> mistake to raise our kids with them thinking that they don\u2019t have the propensity or the ability to be awful, to be horrible.\u00a0 It ought\u2014we ought to point out the traits.\u00a0 I think we ought to affirm them in the great things and always love them, but point out the traits that can be tendencies in their lives that will destroy them.\u00a0 Let them get an emotional attachment to that\u2014that fear\u2014that being afraid.\u00a0 It\u2019s a difficult thing to answer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Crawford, as you\u2019ve talked today, several principles have emerged here, just for us, as parents.\u00a0 I want to just summarize them quickly.\u00a0 First of all, we\u2019ve got to understand shame and how God wants to use it in our lives and in our children\u2019s lives to bring about repentance so that we experience the cost of sin, the pain of sin\u2014so that the next time we face it, we turn away from evil and do good.\u00a0 Theologically speaking, we begin to understand that true repentance comes from a sorrowful heart.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second thing we need to know is that, as parents, we need to actively allow that shame to settle in and, then, guide our children through the process of forgiveness, and of discipline, and of character-building that can only occur through having a relationship with them.\u00a0 Your dad had a relationship with you.\u00a0 You said it over and over again today.\u00a0 He loved you.\u00a0 You knew he was for you; but at the same time, he wasn\u2019t going to let you get away with it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Crawford:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thirdly, dealing with this shame and guiding our children through this means giving them a vision for their lives, which means we separate the sin from the sinner and help them realize that, although they are deeply fallen, deeply depraved, they are highly-loved and that God has a purpose for their lives to\u2014and a higher call that means you can\u2019t live in sin.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to live on a higher plan, around a spiritual calling, and a spiritual purpose for God.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour dad\u2014although I never met him, never knew him\u2014your dad was a wise father.\u00a0 He was a wise man.\u00a0 He gave us an illustration here through your life that equips us as, parents, I think, to raise another generation of kids who are called away from evil to do good and to do what\u2019s right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we\u2019ve got to be aware of that, as dads.\u00a0 We have to recognize that we have a responsibility to live with integrity before our children and, then, to call them to step up and to be men of integrity.\u00a0 In fact, I\u2019ve been interested.\u00a0 There have been some dads who have contacted us about the National Men\u2019s Simulcast that we\u2019re hosting on Saturday.\u00a0 Crawford\u2019s going to be speaking there.\u00a0 Dennis, you\u2019re going to be speaking there\u2014James MacDonald, Robert Lewis.\u00a0 They\u2019ve said, \u201cDo you think it is okay for us to bring our sons to this event?\u201d\u00a0 We said, \u201cYes, absolutely!\u201d\u00a0 You know, if you\u2019ve got a young man who is 15-, 16-, 17-, 18-years-old or older, bring them out with you and let them get a picture of what biblical manhood ought to look like.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCome to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about the National Men\u2019s Simulcast that we are hosting this Saturday, 9:00 to 1:00, Eastern time; 8:00 to noon, Central time.\u00a0 It\u2019s originating in Chicago and being hosted in churches all around the country.\u00a0 You can find out more about the simulcast, again, when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>There\u2019s also information on our website about the upcoming video resources that FamilyLife is releasing.\u00a0 The <em>Stepping Up<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> men\u2019s series and the <em>Stepping Up<\/em> video event\u2014those are going to be out later this fall, but you can get more information about what\u2019s coming up when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We\u2019re excited about the stepping up message\u2014what you\u2019re going to hear on Saturday, what you\u2019ll hear in these video resources, the book that Dennis has written on this theme.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we\u2019ve got a CD of you challenging men, Dennis, to step up.\u00a0 We\u2019re making that CD available this week, along with a CD from your wife Barbara talking to wives about what a wife can do to help her husband step up.\u00a0 Those two CD\u2019s are our thank-you gift, this week, for listeners who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>with a donation.\u00a0 Your donations are what make it possible for us to produce and syndicate this radio program, to keep it on this local station and around the world on the internet.\u00a0 We appreciate your financial support for the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and click the button that says, \u201cI CARE\u201d, make an online donation\u2014we\u2019ll automatically send you the two CDs\u2014one of Dennis, one of Barbara Rainey talking about stepping up and helping your husband step up.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make your donation over the phone.\u00a0 If you do that, just ask for the CDs on <em>Stepping Up<\/em>; and we\u2019re happy to get them out to you.\u00a0 We do appreciate your partnership with us, here, in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to encourage you to be back with us again tomorrow.\u00a0 Dr. Crawford Loritts is joining us again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about the importance of courage\u2014the need for men to be courageous.\u00a0 That comes up tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can join us for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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