{"id":302514,"date":"2012-04-27T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-04-27T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/co-parenting-relationships\/"},"modified":"2012-04-27T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-04-27T15:00:00","slug":"co-parenting-relationships","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/co-parenting-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Co-Parenting:  Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What should you consider before getting remarried?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-27.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"13.57M","filesize_raw":"14233830","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2859,2907,2894],"tags":[2585,4033,2732],"podcast_series":[7397],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302514","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-and-preparing-for-marriage","category-remarrying-your-ex-spouse","category-stepfamily-living","tag-blended-family","tag-divorce","tag-remarriage","podcast_series-your-stepfamily-standing-strong","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302514\/co-parenting-relationships","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302514\/co-parenting-relationships","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"MzO0xBlyXv\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/co-parenting-relationships\/\">Co-Parenting:  Relationships<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/co-parenting-relationships\/embed\/#?secret=MzO0xBlyXv\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Co-Parenting:  Relationships&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"MzO0xBlyXv\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-27.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-27.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the big areas for conflict in a stepfamily is how we're handling the job of raising the kids.\u00a0 Here is Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 When that step-parent says, \"But he's doing things.\u00a0 His grades are failing.\u00a0 He's running around with the wrong crowd.\u00a0 We've got to stop this.\" The biological parent just feels compelled to defend that child, even though they know the step-parent is right.\u00a0 Sometimes, it feels like, \u201cIt's an indictment of my parenting.\u00a0 You're telling me I've been a bad parent.\u201d\u00a0 So, they get defensive.\u00a0 What happens is\u2014the child has all the power they want to <em>do<\/em> what they want.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, April 27<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If you are in a stepfamily or blended family, is it possible that your children are the ones running the show?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 We have been talking this week about the challenges that stepfamilies face.\u00a0 You know, I think Hollywood really hasn\u2019t done us a service here because, oftentimes, the stepfamily situation on television or in movies is fictional\u2014it\u2019s idealized.\u00a0 So whether you go all the way back to <em>The Brady Bunch<\/em> or whether you look at more contemporary examples, there aren\u2019t a whole lot of movies or TV shows that really show the challenges that face parents, or step-parents, or co-parents in a step or a blended family situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, as we look at life, the ideal always keeps popping up.\u00a0 It's good that we have dreams and expectations of hoping to achieve the ideal; but as you address stepfamilies, the ideal begins to evaporate out on the horizon.\u00a0 It's not quite as easily achieved as perhaps we thought about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll this week, a good friend has been directing our thoughts toward the scriptural basis for marriage and family\u2014but applying it to that unique set of circumstances called a stepfamily.\u00a0 Ron Deal has been with us.\u00a0 Ron, it's been a treat to have you on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron has produced a seminar called \u201cBuilding a Successful Stepfamily\u201d.\u00a0 He has spoken all across the country, has counseled, and is a minister.\u00a0 All this week, we've been focusing on the special needs of stepfamilies, of step-parents.\u00a0 Yesterday, we focused on the co-parents, who are sharing responsibility for their biological son or daughter\u2014who have usually come to this point because of divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, yesterday, we focused on the co-parents; but we never did get around to the whole issue of step-parenting\u2014how two people, who find themselves from maybe broken situations, now begin to forge that new family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Dennis, I'm going to say something that the step-parents listening understand, \u201cStep-parenting is really tough.\u201d\u00a0 In fact, Jean McBride, a stepfamily educator and a therapist\u2014I love her phrase.\u00a0 She says, \"Being a stepmom is like setting your hair on fire and putting it out with a hammer.\"\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 I mean, you get it going and coming.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll the way around, it is a tough, tough job.\u00a0 You stop and you think about it for a minute.\u00a0 You've been handed some measure of responsibility for influencing and raising some children for whom you have very little relationship until you've had time in the crock pot to develop that relationship.\u00a0 So, without relationship, how do you have authority?\u00a0 How do you have influence?\u00a0 How do you carry out your responsibilities when everything seems to be undercutting your ability to do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How do you discipline?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Discipline\u2014how do you show affection?\u00a0 You know, one of the things that step-parents need to hear is\u2014that they assume that, \u201cOkay, maybe,\u201d\u2014even if they're smart and they know to kind of lay off of discipline, which we need to address\u2014they often think that what the kids need is, \u201cOkay, we need to find a way to love and connect with these children.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStepchildren tell us they don't want affection from step-parents, until they're ready for it.\u00a0 That's the cardinal rule.\u00a0 We need to just lay that out right out front.\u00a0 The cardinal rule for step-parents is, \u201cLet your stepchildren set the pace for their relationship with you.\u00a0 When they're ready to hug you, hug them.\u00a0 When they're ready to spend time with you one-on-one, do that; but don't force yourself into a relationship in which they are not ready.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, it seems like the challenges here begin with the honeymoon.\u00a0 I mean, the new marriage is formed.\u00a0 The first thing that happens is\u2014the step-parent takes the biological parent and\u2014\u201cThey go off for a while and leave me with a sense of abandonment.\u201d\u00a0 We're starting off on the wrong foot; aren't we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Again, for the children, it's a loss when their parent remarries.\u00a0 It's particularly difficult\u2014the research is telling us\u2014when a biological father remarries\u2014that seems to be even more difficult than when Mom remarries, for children.\u00a0 Nevertheless, it's kind of like, \u201cI have to share this person now with their new spouse.\u201d\u00a0 That's difficult for the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0So, let's say it's the early days.\u00a0 We've gotten back from the honeymoon.\u00a0 The bags are unpacked, and we're starting to get into a routine.\u00a0 How do I make it through those early days?\u00a0 What do I do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0When Nan and I go out on a date, we call Amy.\u00a0 She's our babysitter.\u00a0 We love her to death, and our kids love her to death.\u00a0 But when we were first working with Amy\u2014she came to our house to babysit our kids.\u00a0 I would stand, in front of my children and in front of Amy, and I would say, \"Now, kids, boys, when Mom and Dad are gone, Amy's in charge.\u00a0 We've talked about the rules; right?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\"Yes, Dad.\"\u00a0 \"Amy knows the consequences if you disobey the rules.\"\u00a0 \"Yes, Dad.\"\u00a0 \"And, by the way, if you disobey her, you're going to have to deal with me when I come home.\"\u00a0 \"Okay, okay, okay.\"\u00a0 They got that straight.\u00a0 Amy now has power.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because I gave it to her.\u00a0 I have passed power to Amy because I've told my children to respect her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBiological parents <em>must<\/em> communicate to their children an expectation that, \u201cWhen I'm not here, you don't have to treat this guy like your dad; but he is the adult in the house at the time.\u00a0 Much like a teacher who would be in your classroom, or much like a coach at your soccer game, they are in charge.\u00a0 I expect you to follow their lead.\u201d\u00a0 They are the babysitter.\u00a0 The step-parent relies upon that passed power from the biological parent.\u00a0 They can enforce rules and they can enforce consequences, but it's not on their own power.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let's go back to your babysitter because it's been our experience with babysitters\u2014and I'll bet it's true of you, Bob\u2014you vest that power in the babysitter.\u00a0 You reinforce it with your kids.\u00a0 You leave and go out on a date.\u00a0 You have a wonderful time!\u00a0 You come back; they've had a great time!\u00a0 So, you call the babysitter again for the second night.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\u00a0 \u201cWe've got the perfect babysitter.\u201d\u00a0 It's wonderful!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 This girl knows how to make it work, and it may go perfectly for a second time.\u00a0 But somewhere between the first time they babysit and the fourth, there will be the big test.\u00a0 I guarantee you\u2014you can count on it as sure as the sun comes up tomorrow.\u00a0 Your children will test the mettle of the babysitter to see if, a) she loves them; and, b) if she is going to enforce the rules.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's almost like they lay awake at night and think, \"Okay, when the babysitter comes over, you try this.\u00a0 I'll try that, and we'll see what happens.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And, \u201cWe're going to take a blue-chip, five-star babysitter and we're going to turn her into a bowl of mush.\u00a0 We're going to manipulate her.\u00a0 We're going to work her over.\u201d\u00a0 Invariably, the parents come home and find a babysitter all tied up, emotionally.\u00a0 Now, that's funny when we talk about babysitters, sort of; but when we talk about a stepfamily and the person they are manipulating is our new husband, our new wife, how are we to deal with our biological children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The form that that takes in a stepfamily is, \"You're not my mom.\u00a0 I don't have to do what you say,\" especially if that's being fed by the other household.\u00a0 If my biological mom, in the other house, is telling me, \"You don't have to listen to her,\" that makes it doubly difficult for the kids.\u00a0 \u201cI don't have to do what you say;\u201d and so, they give that step-parent a very difficult time.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe biological parents, when they come home\u2014they must be patient, and be understanding with your kids, and have some compassion; but you've got to draw the boundary and you've got to say, \"I know she is not your mom; but when I am not here, she is empowered to take care of the rules and the consequences.\u00a0 I expect you to obey her; and because you did not, here are the consequences you are going to receive from me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \"But, Daddy, she doesn't do what you do.\u00a0 She has different rules.\u00a0 She's stricter.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cShe's mean.\u00a0 She's really mean.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0That's a good situation.\u00a0 That's why we tell parents and step-parents, \u201cYou've got to back up a step.\u201d\u00a0 Before you get into a situation where you're trying to\u2014a step-parent, early on in the process, should not be making up rules.\u00a0 There should be house rules, posted on the refrigerator\u2014that the biological parent has communicated\u2014so there's none of this, \"Wait a minute!\u00a0 She's mean.\u00a0 She's making up rules.\u00a0 She's doing stuff you wouldn't do.\"\u00a0 \u201cWell, no.\u00a0 See, we have discussed this; and these are the rules.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so if there is not unity\u2014you know, we're back to a principle that holds for parents, whether they're biological or step. You've got to be unified together.\u00a0 You've got to have a plan that you can both mutually support together.\u00a0 Otherwise, it's very easy for those kids to divide and conquer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How can I know, as a parent, as a step-parent, that it's okay for me to start taking some next steps\u2014that I can show a little more affection, or I have a little more authority?\u00a0 There's part of me that wants to say, \"Listen, you're a kid.\u00a0 I'm a grownup.\u00a0 You just are going to do what I say, and that ought to be the end of that.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The principle that we\u2019ve kind of shared\u2014again, I will come back to, \u201cLet the children set the pace.\u201d\u00a0 If they\u2019re giving you some indications\u2014if they\u2019re showing a little more affection; if they stop calling you, \u201cMr. Fred\u201d and now call you, \u201cFred;\u201d if, all of a sudden, they don\u2019t just say goodnight to Mom and then walk past you to the bedroom\u2014but they say goodnight to you, and they stop, and they pause\u2014those are some nonverbal indications that there\u2019s a connection there.\u00a0 They\u2019re beginning to feel more comfortable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I think you can reciprocate that.\u00a0 You\u2019re letting them set the pace. The other thing is\u2014the answer to that question is, \u201cWhat do you say when the child says, \u2018You're not my mom,\u2019 \u2018You're not my dad,\u2019 \u2018I don't have to do what you say.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 The answer is this, \"You're right.\u00a0 I'm not your dad.\u00a0 Your dad lives in Minnesota.\u00a0 Would you kind of like to call and talk to him?\u00a0 By the way, I am the adult in the house right now.\u00a0 These are the house rules, and you do have to obey them.\u00a0 If you choose not to, there will be a consequence; and your mom will deal with that when she comes home.\u00a0 I'm wondering if you'd like to talk to your dad.\u00a0 Are you missing him?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou see, one of the things that step-parents and biological parents need to understand is that the resistance that kids often give toward their step-parent is coming out of loss.\u00a0 It's coming out of a sense that, \u201cYou're here, and my real dad's not.\u00a0 That's who I really want in my life.\u00a0 That's who I really want in this house.\u00a0 You're just the easy target to take out my pain because my real dad's not here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They're acting like they're angry at you, but they're really angry at the circumstances that created this new stepfamily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's not personal, most of the time.\u00a0 It's really not about you, as the step-parent.\u00a0 It's just what you represent to them.\u00a0 If you can depersonalize their anger or their resistance, then it helps you to respond in a little bit more compassionate way.\u00a0 Oftentimes, when kids are resistant, what they're asking for is more contact with their non-custodial parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Does it make it easier to be a step-parent and does it speed things up if the non-custodial parent is a jerk?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 It makes it much, much more difficult.\u00a0 In fact, the biggest gift that you, as a non-custodial parent, listening today\u2014the biggest gift you can give your children is your permission for them to respect, and honor, and, perhaps, even love their step-parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, biological parents need to understand\u2014you will never lose your kids' allegiance.\u00a0 I mean, \u201cYou're Dad,\u201d for crying out loud!\u00a0 You have to try to be a jerk to ever get your kids where they're mad enough at you where they don't want anything to do with you.\u00a0 It doesn't matter that their stepdad is a wonderful guy and takes them fishing.\u00a0 That doesn't matter.\u00a0 They will love you until the end of time.\u00a0 It's blood!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd biological parents\u2014when they get into competition with a step-parent, in the other home\u2014it's unnecessary.\u00a0 You give them your permission to respect that person.\u00a0 That helps the child to deal with their situation in that home.\u00a0 It helps them to have a better experience.\u00a0 It will help them to have a better emotional state; and when they come back, and they're with you, it's going to be a wonderful time.\u00a0 It helps everybody when you do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What if the biological parent has dropped off the face of the earth\u2014you never hear from him or her.\u00a0 You don't know where they are.\u00a0 The last time you talked to them was when they sent a late birthday gift, three years ago.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sometimes, that's even more difficult.\u00a0 It's amazing how children can get protective of an under-functioning parent.\u00a0 They oftentimes resent the fact that their step-parent is a higher-functioning individual than their biological parent is\u2014that's not in the home.\u00a0 They often resent that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What do you mean by that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, let's just say it's a stepmother situation.\u00a0 My stepmother is godly; she's kind; she's considerate; she's a blessing to a lot of people; and she treats me with fairness.\u00a0 My biological mom is an alcoholic.\u00a0 She can't keep a job; her life is the pits; she complains all the time; but when I'm over at her house, she lets me know how badly she needs me to take care of her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe child feels compelled to protect the alcoholic mother\u2014to somehow lift her out of her\u2014out of the quicksand that's pulling her under.\u00a0 At the same time, she's protective of her biological mom, she's resistant towards her stepmom because it feels like, \u201cIf I love you, you're doing so much better.\u00a0 We would have a great relationship; but look at my mom over there, she's wasting away.\u00a0 She needs somebody, too.\u201d\u00a0 It's amazing how children will take care of adults who don't take care of themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the resources you've created in your seminars is a chart that compares a misguided step-parent and an effective step-parent.\u00a0 We don't have time here, on the broadcast, to go down through this entire list.\u00a0 We'll make it available on our website, FamilyLife.com; but take a couple of the most frequent misguided attitudes that step-parents have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first one is\u2014they try to replace the absent parent, the absent biological parent\u2014try to take their spot.\u00a0 Step-parents, you can never take the spot of a biological parent, even if they're deceased.\u00a0 You cannot replace them.\u00a0 Don\u2019t try.\u00a0 Simply be another adult who is a good role model for these children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, one of the best tips\u2014I've got to get this in here\u2014for a step-parent to do is to call the non-custodial biological parent.\u00a0 This stepmother is going to call the biological mother and say to her, on the phone, \"Listen, I know this is an awkward situation for us; but I want you to know I will never stand between you and your relationship with your children.\u00a0 I will never get in the way of you being their mom.\u00a0 I am their stepmom.\u00a0 I know that that's all that I am.\u00a0 I will honor you when you're not around.\u00a0 I will make sure the kids get to your house on time.\u00a0 I will make sure they get home with everything that they need, and we will always be fair in how we treat you.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, why is that important?\u00a0 Because it helps the biological mom go, \"Okay, I'm not in competition with her.\u00a0 I don't have to spoil my kids' opinion of her.\u00a0 Maybe I don't have to talk so badly about her because she's showing me that she is not going to be a barrier to us.\"\u00a0 That is a step-parent who is being very effective and who is setting themselves up to be successful with their stepchildren.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, all this week, we\u2019ve talked with you, Ron, about the needs of step-parents.\u00a0 We\u2019ve tried to bring resources to our listeners.\u00a0 It just hit me, as you were sharing that\u2014that one of the greatest needs of a step-parent, or for the biological non-custodial parent, is for spiritual growth and maturity.\u00a0 If you're not growing as a Christian, circumstances are going to dictate your life.\u00a0 You are going to be tempted to become bitter.\u00a0 You are not going to end up with a relationship with your child, with your grandchildren, later on when they get married.\u00a0 It's going to result in an estranged family that's broken.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0The way I put it is this, \u201cMy identity is found in Jesus Christ\u2014in His love for me.\u201d\u00a0 If I am a step-parent, and I am putting my identity, my worth, and my value into how well my relationship goes with my stepchildren, I am in trouble because there will be days when they are rude, and crude, and don't want to have anything to do with me.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I am putting my identity in how well my spouse, their parent, loves me\u2014there will be days where the biological parent does favor the children\u2014just out of that deep bond that they have for them.\u00a0 I've got to fall back on, \u201cI am a person of worth because of what Jesus has done for me.\u00a0 I can do what's right, even in the face of circumstances that are disappointing to me.\u00a0 I need to live with integrity.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, Dennis, I've heard you say, many times, that single parenting may be the single most difficult assignment on the planet.\u00a0 It occurs to me, as we talk, that being the child of a single parent, who then goes into a stepfamily situation\u2014that may be equally difficult\u2014and being a step-parent is not too far behind the assignment of being a single parent.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we're talking about are life circumstances that demand hard work and are going to require things of you that you're going to look around at other people and say, \"They don't have to go through it, and I do.\"\u00a0 You may feel, \u201cIt's not fair.\u201d\u00a0 You may feel that life hasn't dealt you the right set of circumstances; but there is a God, whose grace is sufficient in the middle of those difficult circumstances.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And His Word directs us.\u00a0 Proverbs 15, verses 16 and 17 says, \"Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and turmoil with it.\u00a0 Better is a dish of vegetables where love is, than a fattened ox and hatred with it.\"\u00a0 All this week, we've been talking about how God is a God of redemption.\u00a0 Ron, I've got one last question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I bet it's a doozy.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is; it really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hang on!\u00a0 Before you ask your doozy question, let me let listeners know how they can get a copy of Ron's book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily, <\/em>or the small group DVD series that Ron has put together called <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>.\u00a0 We have <em>The Smart Stepdad; The Smart Stepmom\u2014<\/em>all of Ron\u2019s resources are available at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 In fact, on our website, we have hundreds of articles that Ron has written for stepfamilies because Ron\u2019s become a part of our team, here at FamilyLife.\u00a0 He now heads up our stepfamily initiative, as we seek to provide new resources and new strategies to strengthen blended and step-relationships.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com, there\u2019s access to all kinds of resources and materials that are available for folks who are in a second or a third marriage.\u00a0 Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on the resources we have; or call 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\u00a0 We can let you know what\u2019s available and how you can get some of these resources sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we want to wrap up this week with a quick word of thanks to those folks who made today\u2019s program possible\u2014those of you who, from time to time, get in touch with us and offer your support, financially, of this ministry.\u00a0 We appreciate that.\u00a0 We appreciate those of you who pray for us, those of you who drop us notes of encouragement.\u00a0 It\u2019s always great to know that our listeners are a part of the team.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this week, if you can make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a copy of Dennis\u2019 brand-new book, <em>Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys: 7 Conversations to Have with Your Teenage Son,<\/em> as he goes through the teen years.\u00a0 Actually, you ought to have them before he goes through the teen years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd in addition, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis\u2019 book, <em>Interviewing Your Daughter\u2019s Date<\/em>.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got a couple of resources to help you with your teens; and if you don\u2019t have teens but you know somebody who does, pass these books along to them.\u00a0 You can make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Click the button there that says, \u201cI Care\u201d, and just fill out the online donation form.\u00a0 We\u2019ll know to send you copies of these books.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 You can make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 When you do that, be sure to ask for the books for parents of teens.\u00a0 We\u2019ll know what you\u2019re talking about, and we\u2019ll be happy to send them out to you.\u00a0 We just want to say again, \u201cWe appreciate your partnership with us and your support of this ministry.\u201d\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Bob, if there is anything that I've become convinced of, all week long, is that God knew what He was doing when He called one man and one woman to forge a covenant relationship, called marriage, that lasts a lifetime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's hard enough; isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is hard enough; but when you start mixing and blending marriages, and families, and children, and step-grandparents, and aunts and uncles, you get some tough circumstances that demand a lot of an individual.\u00a0 Ron Deal has been our guest, on the broadcast, focusing on the needs of stepfamilies.\u00a0 Ron, I want to thank you for being with us on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've got a question for you.\u00a0 You've been ministering to stepfamilies for more than a decade now.\u00a0 What's been the most difficult question you've ever been asked?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0There are a lot of questions that come to mind that are very, very difficult situations and circumstances that people find themselves in.\u00a0 I think one of the ones that touches my heart and is one of the most significant questions that I hear, all over the country\u2014and it's plainly this, \u201cCan I be redeemed by God?\u201d \u201cAm I acceptable to Him?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cAm I a second-rate Christian?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy answer, purely and simply, is, \u201cYou are not a second-rate Christian because there's no such thing as a first-rate Christian.\u00a0 We are all people in need of a cross.\u00a0 At the foot of the cross, it's level playing field.\u00a0 No matter what your past, no matter where you've been, God is waiting, with open arms.\u201d\u00a0 It pains me that people even have to ask themselves whether that's true or not.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt pains me that churches are not standing up and communicating a message to our community that says to them, \"There's good news for you.\u00a0 You may have found yourself in some difficult circumstances; we want to help.\u00a0 God does care.\u00a0 His redemption is for all.\u00a0 He forgives imperfect people in stepfamilies, just like he forgives imperfect people in biological families.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you know what I want you to do right now\u2014because there is, undoubtedly, a stepmom, a stepdad, who is listening\u2014they're going, \"That's me.\"\u00a0 Would you pray for that person right now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I will.\u00a0 \u201cGod, we approach You today on behalf of all of those who find themselves wandering\u2014wandering in the wilderness of stepfamily life.\u00a0 They are there with good intentions.\u00a0 God, they are seeking You.\u00a0 We hope that they're seeking You.\u00a0 At the same time, they are wondering if they are unworthy.\u00a0 They are wondering if their voice will ever reach Your ears.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSo, God, we pray for them today because I know that You are listening.\u00a0 I know that You can lead them through the wilderness.\u00a0 I know that there is a Promised Land, but they have to trust You.\u00a0 They have to be faithful, and they have to rely upon Your promises.\u00a0 Today, God, we ask You to touch their heart, their life\u2014to remind them of Your presence, to confirm to them the love that You have for them, and that hope is available through Jesus Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cGod, we pray for all stepfamilies.\u00a0 We pray that they will come back to You if they've been away\u2014that they will remain faithful if they're close to You.\u00a0 We pray that they will reach out and gather resources and tools\u2014that they will talk with other people, form support groups, and reach out to their community because there is so much ministry that needs to be done.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe pray, God, that You will do a mighty work and that You will rescue stepfamilies, all over this country.\u00a0 I pray in the name of Jesus.\u00a0 Amen.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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should you consider before getting remarried?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the big areas for conflict in a stepfamily is how we're handling the job of raising the kids.\u00a0 Here is Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 When that step-parent says, \"But he's doing things.\u00a0 His grades are failing.\u00a0 He's running around with the wrong crowd.\u00a0 We've got to stop this.\" The biological parent just feels compelled to defend that child, even though they know the step-parent is right.\u00a0 Sometimes, it feels like, \u201cIt's an indictment of my parenting.\u00a0 You're telling me I've been a bad parent.\u201d\u00a0 So, they get defensive.\u00a0 What happens is\u2014the child has all the power they want to <em>do<\/em> what they want.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, April 27<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If you are in a stepfamily or blended family, is it possible that your children are the ones running the show?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 We have been talking this week about the challenges that stepfamilies face.\u00a0 You know, I think Hollywood really hasn\u2019t done us a service here because, oftentimes, the stepfamily situation on television or in movies is fictional\u2014it\u2019s idealized.\u00a0 So whether you go all the way back to <em>The Brady Bunch<\/em> or whether you look at more contemporary examples, there aren\u2019t a whole lot of movies or TV shows that really show the challenges that face parents, or step-parents, or co-parents in a step or a blended family situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, as we look at life, the ideal always keeps popping up.\u00a0 It's good that we have dreams and expectations of hoping to achieve the ideal; but as you address stepfamilies, the ideal begins to evaporate out on the horizon.\u00a0 It's not quite as easily achieved as perhaps we thought about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll this week, a good friend has been directing our thoughts toward the scriptural basis for marriage and family\u2014but applying it to that unique set of circumstances called a stepfamily.\u00a0 Ron Deal has been with us.\u00a0 Ron, it's been a treat to have you on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron has produced a seminar called \u201cBuilding a Successful Stepfamily\u201d.\u00a0 He has spoken all across the country, has counseled, and is a minister.\u00a0 All this week, we've been focusing on the special needs of stepfamilies, of step-parents.\u00a0 Yesterday, we focused on the co-parents, who are sharing responsibility for their biological son or daughter\u2014who have usually come to this point because of divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, yesterday, we focused on the co-parents; but we never did get around to the whole issue of step-parenting\u2014how two people, who find themselves from maybe broken situations, now begin to forge that new family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Dennis, I'm going to say something that the step-parents listening understand, \u201cStep-parenting is really tough.\u201d\u00a0 In fact, Jean McBride, a stepfamily educator and a therapist\u2014I love her phrase.\u00a0 She says, \"Being a stepmom is like setting your hair on fire and putting it out with a hammer.\"\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 I mean, you get it going and coming.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll the way around, it is a tough, tough job.\u00a0 You stop and you think about it for a minute.\u00a0 You've been handed some measure of responsibility for influencing and raising some children for whom you have very little relationship until you've had time in the crock pot to develop that relationship.\u00a0 So, without relationship, how do you have authority?\u00a0 How do you have influence?\u00a0 How do you carry out your responsibilities when everything seems to be undercutting your ability to do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How do you discipline?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Discipline\u2014how do you show affection?\u00a0 You know, one of the things that step-parents need to hear is\u2014that they assume that, \u201cOkay, maybe,\u201d\u2014even if they're smart and they know to kind of lay off of discipline, which we need to address\u2014they often think that what the kids need is, \u201cOkay, we need to find a way to love and connect with these children.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStepchildren tell us they don't want affection from step-parents, until they're ready for it.\u00a0 That's the cardinal rule.\u00a0 We need to just lay that out right out front.\u00a0 The cardinal rule for step-parents is, \u201cLet your stepchildren set the pace for their relationship with you.\u00a0 When they're ready to hug you, hug them.\u00a0 When they're ready to spend time with you one-on-one, do that; but don't force yourself into a relationship in which they are not ready.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, it seems like the challenges here begin with the honeymoon.\u00a0 I mean, the new marriage is formed.\u00a0 The first thing that happens is\u2014the step-parent takes the biological parent and\u2014\u201cThey go off for a while and leave me with a sense of abandonment.\u201d\u00a0 We're starting off on the wrong foot; aren't we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Again, for the children, it's a loss when their parent remarries.\u00a0 It's particularly difficult\u2014the research is telling us\u2014when a biological father remarries\u2014that seems to be even more difficult than when Mom remarries, for children.\u00a0 Nevertheless, it's kind of like, \u201cI have to share this person now with their new spouse.\u201d\u00a0 That's difficult for the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0So, let's say it's the early days.\u00a0 We've gotten back from the honeymoon.\u00a0 The bags are unpacked, and we're starting to get into a routine.\u00a0 How do I make it through those early days?\u00a0 What do I do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0When Nan and I go out on a date, we call Amy.\u00a0 She's our babysitter.\u00a0 We love her to death, and our kids love her to death.\u00a0 But when we were first working with Amy\u2014she came to our house to babysit our kids.\u00a0 I would stand, in front of my children and in front of Amy, and I would say, \"Now, kids, boys, when Mom and Dad are gone, Amy's in charge.\u00a0 We've talked about the rules; right?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\"Yes, Dad.\"\u00a0 \"Amy knows the consequences if you disobey the rules.\"\u00a0 \"Yes, Dad.\"\u00a0 \"And, by the way, if you disobey her, you're going to have to deal with me when I come home.\"\u00a0 \"Okay, okay, okay.\"\u00a0 They got that straight.\u00a0 Amy now has power.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because I gave it to her.\u00a0 I have passed power to Amy because I've told my children to respect her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBiological parents <em>must<\/em> communicate to their children an expectation that, \u201cWhen I'm not here, you don't have to treat this guy like your dad; but he is the adult in the house at the time.\u00a0 Much like a teacher who would be in your classroom, or much like a coach at your soccer game, they are in charge.\u00a0 I expect you to follow their lead.\u201d\u00a0 They are the babysitter.\u00a0 The step-parent relies upon that passed power from the biological parent.\u00a0 They can enforce rules and they can enforce consequences, but it's not on their own power.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let's go back to your babysitter because it's been our experience with babysitters\u2014and I'll bet it's true of you, Bob\u2014you vest that power in the babysitter.\u00a0 You reinforce it with your kids.\u00a0 You leave and go out on a date.\u00a0 You have a wonderful time!\u00a0 You come back; they've had a great time!\u00a0 So, you call the babysitter again for the second night.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\u00a0 \u201cWe've got the perfect babysitter.\u201d\u00a0 It's wonderful!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 This girl knows how to make it work, and it may go perfectly for a second time.\u00a0 But somewhere between the first time they babysit and the fourth, there will be the big test.\u00a0 I guarantee you\u2014you can count on it as sure as the sun comes up tomorrow.\u00a0 Your children will test the mettle of the babysitter to see if, a) she loves them; and, b) if she is going to enforce the rules.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's almost like they lay awake at night and think, \"Okay, when the babysitter comes over, you try this.\u00a0 I'll try that, and we'll see what happens.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And, \u201cWe're going to take a blue-chip, five-star babysitter and we're going to turn her into a bowl of mush.\u00a0 We're going to manipulate her.\u00a0 We're going to work her over.\u201d\u00a0 Invariably, the parents come home and find a babysitter all tied up, emotionally.\u00a0 Now, that's funny when we talk about babysitters, sort of; but when we talk about a stepfamily and the person they are manipulating is our new husband, our new wife, how are we to deal with our biological children?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The form that that takes in a stepfamily is, \"You're not my mom.\u00a0 I don't have to do what you say,\" especially if that's being fed by the other household.\u00a0 If my biological mom, in the other house, is telling me, \"You don't have to listen to her,\" that makes it doubly difficult for the kids.\u00a0 \u201cI don't have to do what you say;\u201d and so, they give that step-parent a very difficult time.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe biological parents, when they come home\u2014they must be patient, and be understanding with your kids, and have some compassion; but you've got to draw the boundary and you've got to say, \"I know she is not your mom; but when I am not here, she is empowered to take care of the rules and the consequences.\u00a0 I expect you to obey her; and because you did not, here are the consequences you are going to receive from me.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \"But, Daddy, she doesn't do what you do.\u00a0 She has different rules.\u00a0 She's stricter.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cShe's mean.\u00a0 She's really mean.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0That's a good situation.\u00a0 That's why we tell parents and step-parents, \u201cYou've got to back up a step.\u201d\u00a0 Before you get into a situation where you're trying to\u2014a step-parent, early on in the process, should not be making up rules.\u00a0 There should be house rules, posted on the refrigerator\u2014that the biological parent has communicated\u2014so there's none of this, \"Wait a minute!\u00a0 She's mean.\u00a0 She's making up rules.\u00a0 She's doing stuff you wouldn't do.\"\u00a0 \u201cWell, no.\u00a0 See, we have discussed this; and these are the rules.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so if there is not unity\u2014you know, we're back to a principle that holds for parents, whether they're biological or step. You've got to be unified together.\u00a0 You've got to have a plan that you can both mutually support together.\u00a0 Otherwise, it's very easy for those kids to divide and conquer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How can I know, as a parent, as a step-parent, that it's okay for me to start taking some next steps\u2014that I can show a little more affection, or I have a little more authority?\u00a0 There's part of me that wants to say, \"Listen, you're a kid.\u00a0 I'm a grownup.\u00a0 You just are going to do what I say, and that ought to be the end of that.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The principle that we\u2019ve kind of shared\u2014again, I will come back to, \u201cLet the children set the pace.\u201d\u00a0 If they\u2019re giving you some indications\u2014if they\u2019re showing a little more affection; if they stop calling you, \u201cMr. Fred\u201d and now call you, \u201cFred;\u201d if, all of a sudden, they don\u2019t just say goodnight to Mom and then walk past you to the bedroom\u2014but they say goodnight to you, and they stop, and they pause\u2014those are some nonverbal indications that there\u2019s a connection there.\u00a0 They\u2019re beginning to feel more comfortable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I think you can reciprocate that.\u00a0 You\u2019re letting them set the pace. The other thing is\u2014the answer to that question is, \u201cWhat do you say when the child says, \u2018You're not my mom,\u2019 \u2018You're not my dad,\u2019 \u2018I don't have to do what you say.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 The answer is this, \"You're right.\u00a0 I'm not your dad.\u00a0 Your dad lives in Minnesota.\u00a0 Would you kind of like to call and talk to him?\u00a0 By the way, I am the adult in the house right now.\u00a0 These are the house rules, and you do have to obey them.\u00a0 If you choose not to, there will be a consequence; and your mom will deal with that when she comes home.\u00a0 I'm wondering if you'd like to talk to your dad.\u00a0 Are you missing him?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou see, one of the things that step-parents and biological parents need to understand is that the resistance that kids often give toward their step-parent is coming out of loss.\u00a0 It's coming out of a sense that, \u201cYou're here, and my real dad's not.\u00a0 That's who I really want in my life.\u00a0 That's who I really want in this house.\u00a0 You're just the easy target to take out my pain because my real dad's not here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They're acting like they're angry at you, but they're really angry at the circumstances that created this new stepfamily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's not personal, most of the time.\u00a0 It's really not about you, as the step-parent.\u00a0 It's just what you represent to them.\u00a0 If you can depersonalize their anger or their resistance, then it helps you to respond in a little bit more compassionate way.\u00a0 Oftentimes, when kids are resistant, what they're asking for is more contact with their non-custodial parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Does it make it easier to be a step-parent and does it speed things up if the non-custodial parent is a jerk?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 It makes it much, much more difficult.\u00a0 In fact, the biggest gift that you, as a non-custodial parent, listening today\u2014the biggest gift you can give your children is your permission for them to respect, and honor, and, perhaps, even love their step-parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, biological parents need to understand\u2014you will never lose your kids' allegiance.\u00a0 I mean, \u201cYou're Dad,\u201d for crying out loud!\u00a0 You have to try to be a jerk to ever get your kids where they're mad enough at you where they don't want anything to do with you.\u00a0 It doesn't matter that their stepdad is a wonderful guy and takes them fishing.\u00a0 That doesn't matter.\u00a0 They will love you until the end of time.\u00a0 It's blood!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd biological parents\u2014when they get into competition with a step-parent, in the other home\u2014it's unnecessary.\u00a0 You give them your permission to respect that person.\u00a0 That helps the child to deal with their situation in that home.\u00a0 It helps them to have a better experience.\u00a0 It will help them to have a better emotional state; and when they come back, and they're with you, it's going to be a wonderful time.\u00a0 It helps everybody when you do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What if the biological parent has dropped off the face of the earth\u2014you never hear from him or her.\u00a0 You don't know where they are.\u00a0 The last time you talked to them was when they sent a late birthday gift, three years ago.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sometimes, that's even more difficult.\u00a0 It's amazing how children can get protective of an under-functioning parent.\u00a0 They oftentimes resent the fact that their step-parent is a higher-functioning individual than their biological parent is\u2014that's not in the home.\u00a0 They often resent that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What do you mean by that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, let's just say it's a stepmother situation.\u00a0 My stepmother is godly; she's kind; she's considerate; she's a blessing to a lot of people; and she treats me with fairness.\u00a0 My biological mom is an alcoholic.\u00a0 She can't keep a job; her life is the pits; she complains all the time; but when I'm over at her house, she lets me know how badly she needs me to take care of her.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe child feels compelled to protect the alcoholic mother\u2014to somehow lift her out of her\u2014out of the quicksand that's pulling her under.\u00a0 At the same time, she's protective of her biological mom, she's resistant towards her stepmom because it feels like, \u201cIf I love you, you're doing so much better.\u00a0 We would have a great relationship; but look at my mom over there, she's wasting away.\u00a0 She needs somebody, too.\u201d\u00a0 It's amazing how children will take care of adults who don't take care of themselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the resources you've created in your seminars is a chart that compares a misguided step-parent and an effective step-parent.\u00a0 We don't have time here, on the broadcast, to go down through this entire list.\u00a0 We'll make it available on our website, FamilyLife.com; but take a couple of the most frequent misguided attitudes that step-parents have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first one is\u2014they try to replace the absent parent, the absent biological parent\u2014try to take their spot.\u00a0 Step-parents, you can never take the spot of a biological parent, even if they're deceased.\u00a0 You cannot replace them.\u00a0 Don\u2019t try.\u00a0 Simply be another adult who is a good role model for these children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, one of the best tips\u2014I've got to get this in here\u2014for a step-parent to do is to call the non-custodial biological parent.\u00a0 This stepmother is going to call the biological mother and say to her, on the phone, \"Listen, I know this is an awkward situation for us; but I want you to know I will never stand between you and your relationship with your children.\u00a0 I will never get in the way of you being their mom.\u00a0 I am their stepmom.\u00a0 I know that that's all that I am.\u00a0 I will honor you when you're not around.\u00a0 I will make sure the kids get to your house on time.\u00a0 I will make sure they get home with everything that they need, and we will always be fair in how we treat you.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, why is that important?\u00a0 Because it helps the biological mom go, \"Okay, I'm not in competition with her.\u00a0 I don't have to spoil my kids' opinion of her.\u00a0 Maybe I don't have to talk so badly about her because she's showing me that she is not going to be a barrier to us.\"\u00a0 That is a step-parent who is being very effective and who is setting themselves up to be successful with their stepchildren.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, all this week, we\u2019ve talked with you, Ron, about the needs of step-parents.\u00a0 We\u2019ve tried to bring resources to our listeners.\u00a0 It just hit me, as you were sharing that\u2014that one of the greatest needs of a step-parent, or for the biological non-custodial parent, is for spiritual growth and maturity.\u00a0 If you're not growing as a Christian, circumstances are going to dictate your life.\u00a0 You are going to be tempted to become bitter.\u00a0 You are not going to end up with a relationship with your child, with your grandchildren, later on when they get married.\u00a0 It's going to result in an estranged family that's broken.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0The way I put it is this, \u201cMy identity is found in Jesus Christ\u2014in His love for me.\u201d\u00a0 If I am a step-parent, and I am putting my identity, my worth, and my value into how well my relationship goes with my stepchildren, I am in trouble because there will be days when they are rude, and crude, and don't want to have anything to do with me.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I am putting my identity in how well my spouse, their parent, loves me\u2014there will be days where the biological parent does favor the children\u2014just out of that deep bond that they have for them.\u00a0 I've got to fall back on, \u201cI am a person of worth because of what Jesus has done for me.\u00a0 I can do what's right, even in the face of circumstances that are disappointing to me.\u00a0 I need to live with integrity.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, Dennis, I've heard you say, many times, that single parenting may be the single most difficult assignment on the planet.\u00a0 It occurs to me, as we talk, that being the child of a single parent, who then goes into a stepfamily situation\u2014that may be equally difficult\u2014and being a step-parent is not too far behind the assignment of being a single parent.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we're talking about are life circumstances that demand hard work and are going to require things of you that you're going to look around at other people and say, \"They don't have to go through it, and I do.\"\u00a0 You may feel, \u201cIt's not fair.\u201d\u00a0 You may feel that life hasn't dealt you the right set of circumstances; but there is a God, whose grace is sufficient in the middle of those difficult circumstances.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And His Word directs us.\u00a0 Proverbs 15, verses 16 and 17 says, \"Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and turmoil with it.\u00a0 Better is a dish of vegetables where love is, than a fattened ox and hatred with it.\"\u00a0 All this week, we've been talking about how God is a God of redemption.\u00a0 Ron, I've got one last question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I bet it's a doozy.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is; it really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hang on!\u00a0 Before you ask your doozy question, let me let listeners know how they can get a copy of Ron's book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily, <\/em>or the small group DVD series that Ron has put together called <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>.\u00a0 We have <em>The Smart Stepdad; The Smart Stepmom\u2014<\/em>all of Ron\u2019s resources are available at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 In fact, on our website, we have hundreds of articles that Ron has written for stepfamilies because Ron\u2019s become a part of our team, here at FamilyLife.\u00a0 He now heads up our stepfamily initiative, as we seek to provide new resources and new strategies to strengthen blended and step-relationships.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com, there\u2019s access to all kinds of resources and materials that are available for folks who are in a second or a third marriage.\u00a0 Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on the resources we have; or call 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\u00a0 We can let you know what\u2019s available and how you can get some of these resources sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we want to wrap up this week with a quick word of thanks to those folks who made today\u2019s program possible\u2014those of you who, from time to time, get in touch with us and offer your support, financially, of this ministry.\u00a0 We appreciate that.\u00a0 We appreciate those of you who pray for us, those of you who drop us notes of encouragement.\u00a0 It\u2019s always great to know that our listeners are a part of the team.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this week, if you can make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a copy of Dennis\u2019 brand-new book, <em>Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys: 7 Conversations to Have with Your Teenage Son,<\/em> as he goes through the teen years.\u00a0 Actually, you ought to have them before he goes through the teen years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd in addition, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis\u2019 book, <em>Interviewing Your Daughter\u2019s Date<\/em>.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got a couple of resources to help you with your teens; and if you don\u2019t have teens but you know somebody who does, pass these books along to them.\u00a0 You can make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Click the button there that says, \u201cI Care\u201d, and just fill out the online donation form.\u00a0 We\u2019ll know to send you copies of these books.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 You can make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 When you do that, be sure to ask for the books for parents of teens.\u00a0 We\u2019ll know what you\u2019re talking about, and we\u2019ll be happy to send them out to you.\u00a0 We just want to say again, \u201cWe appreciate your partnership with us and your support of this ministry.\u201d\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Bob, if there is anything that I've become convinced of, all week long, is that God knew what He was doing when He called one man and one woman to forge a covenant relationship, called marriage, that lasts a lifetime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's hard enough; isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is hard enough; but when you start mixing and blending marriages, and families, and children, and step-grandparents, and aunts and uncles, you get some tough circumstances that demand a lot of an individual.\u00a0 Ron Deal has been our guest, on the broadcast, focusing on the needs of stepfamilies.\u00a0 Ron, I want to thank you for being with us on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've got a question for you.\u00a0 You've been ministering to stepfamilies for more than a decade now.\u00a0 What's been the most difficult question you've ever been asked?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0There are a lot of questions that come to mind that are very, very difficult situations and circumstances that people find themselves in.\u00a0 I think one of the ones that touches my heart and is one of the most significant questions that I hear, all over the country\u2014and it's plainly this, \u201cCan I be redeemed by God?\u201d \u201cAm I acceptable to Him?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cAm I a second-rate Christian?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy answer, purely and simply, is, \u201cYou are not a second-rate Christian because there's no such thing as a first-rate Christian.\u00a0 We are all people in need of a cross.\u00a0 At the foot of the cross, it's level playing field.\u00a0 No matter what your past, no matter where you've been, God is waiting, with open arms.\u201d\u00a0 It pains me that people even have to ask themselves whether that's true or not.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt pains me that churches are not standing up and communicating a message to our community that says to them, \"There's good news for you.\u00a0 You may have found yourself in some difficult circumstances; we want to help.\u00a0 God does care.\u00a0 His redemption is for all.\u00a0 He forgives imperfect people in stepfamilies, just like he forgives imperfect people in biological families.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you know what I want you to do right now\u2014because there is, undoubtedly, a stepmom, a stepdad, who is listening\u2014they're going, \"That's me.\"\u00a0 Would you pray for that person right now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I will.\u00a0 \u201cGod, we approach You today on behalf of all of those who find themselves wandering\u2014wandering in the wilderness of stepfamily life.\u00a0 They are there with good intentions.\u00a0 God, they are seeking You.\u00a0 We hope that they're seeking You.\u00a0 At the same time, they are wondering if they are unworthy.\u00a0 They are wondering if their voice will ever reach Your ears.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSo, God, we pray for them today because I know that You are listening.\u00a0 I know that You can lead them through the wilderness.\u00a0 I know that there is a Promised Land, but they have to trust You.\u00a0 They have to be faithful, and they have to rely upon Your promises.\u00a0 Today, God, we ask You to touch their heart, their life\u2014to remind them of Your presence, to confirm to them the love that You have for them, and that hope is available through Jesus Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cGod, we pray for all stepfamilies.\u00a0 We pray that they will come back to You if they've been away\u2014that they will remain faithful if they're close to You.\u00a0 We pray that they will reach out and gather resources and tools\u2014that they will talk with other people, form support groups, and reach out to their community because there is so much ministry that needs to be done.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe pray, God, that You will do a mighty work and that You will rescue stepfamilies, all over this country.\u00a0 I pray in the name of Jesus.\u00a0 Amen.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302514","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302514"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302514"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302514"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302514"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302514"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302514"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302514"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}