{"id":302511,"date":"2012-04-25T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-04-25T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-step-parents-role\/"},"modified":"2012-04-25T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-04-25T15:00:00","slug":"the-step-parents-role","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-step-parents-role\/","title":{"rendered":"The Step-Parent&#8217;s Role"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We vowed to love our spouse forever, but the marriage ended in divorce.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-25.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"28.63M","filesize_raw":"30019474","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2888,2812,2894],"tags":[2585,4033],"podcast_series":[7397],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302511","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-multiple-home-realities","category-realities-of-divorce","category-stepfamily-living","tag-blended-family","tag-divorce","podcast_series-your-stepfamily-standing-strong","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302511\/the-step-parents-role","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302511\/the-step-parents-role","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"SyEpWna16e\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-step-parents-role\/\">The Step-Parent&#8217;s Role<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-step-parents-role\/embed\/#?secret=SyEpWna16e\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Step-Parent&#8217;s Role&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"SyEpWna16e\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-25.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-25.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 In a stepfamily, your children want your attention and your affection; and so does your new mate.\u00a0 Who wins in that kind of a tug-of-war?\u00a0 Here is Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just recently, I was talking with a couple.\u00a0 They haven't gone on a date, yet, in five years of marriage.\u00a0 It really goes back to that notion of, \"Well, wait a minute.\u00a0 If we don't take the kids with us, won't they feel left out?\"\u00a0 Well, yes, they will; but your marriage needs some nurturing.\u00a0 You need to spend time with your new spouse, and you've got to make that relationship a priority.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, April 25<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 It is not unusual for children to try to undermine a marriage covenant in a blended family.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk more about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.\u00a0 Back last spring, Dennis, I was speaking in a local church on the subject of marriage and talking about marriage as a covenant relationship.\u00a0 There was a time for questions and answers, following my presentation.\u00a0 The first question was from a man who wanted to know, \u201cHow does the concept of covenant in marriage apply when you're in the middle of a second marriage?\u201d\u00a0 When there has already been the dissolution of one covenant, is it possible to establish a covenant marriage if you're with your second spouse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And, of course, you are wanting me to answer that question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's why I brought it up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right here on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I said, \"I will ask Dennis Rainey that when we get back to the studio.\u00a0 You keep listening, sir; and I'm sure he'll have a wise biblical answer for you.\"\u00a0 So?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How did you answer, Bob?\u00a0 Actually, I received a letter from a pastor in the Bay Area after we did <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> in central California.\u00a0 He was politely taking us to task at our marriage covenant celebration event in an arena where we did not talk enough about stepfamilies and their responsibility to keep their marriage covenant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I believe, here on the broadcast, we've needed to address the whole issue of stepfamilies for a number of years.\u00a0 That's why we're talking about it all this week.\u00a0 There is a tremendous need for couples, who are in stepfamilies, to keep their pledge and their promise.\u00a0 You forged a new covenant.\u00a0 You can't look back at the old, other than to make sure that you've dealt with all the issues in the past.\u00a0 You need to look ahead to what God has before you right now, which is keeping your present covenant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome time ago, a man shared a letter, publicly, that I asked permission to read.\u00a0 I think it will soon become evident why I want to share it on the broadcast today, as we talk about stepfamilies:\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cMany of you know my story, but some of you don't.\u00a0 I have been divorced once and almost twice.\u00a0 Linda and I were married 12-and-a-half years ago, after merely two years of dating.\u00a0 Having both been left in our previous marriages and feeling fairly pious and faultless, we knew we could make it.\u00a0 She had a boy and a girl; I had two girls.\u00a0 There was the honeymoon, which was great!\u00a0 Then there was the reality of a ready-made family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cBut then blended families are great; right?\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 They broaden your horizons; give you a view of the world and family life that would normally go unnoticed.\u00a0 It's akin to a visit to a local dairy bar\u2014getting an ice cream cone with two flavors\u2014a swirl, I think, they call it.\u00a0 It kind of adds a little pizzazz to your life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe took my wife's daughter and son, poured them into our new house, added me and my children on some weekends and holidays, and turned the blender on high.\u00a0 I burned up the blender motor in the overdrive unit and tripped the main circuit breaker.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis guy is an electrician, Bob, so it's coming out here in this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\"When the smoke cleared, oil and water had already separated.\u00a0 Our children had already suffered through the scars of a divorce, and then we all suffered again through the battle of the blender blades.\u00a0 No one had higher hopes and dreams for our children and our marriage than we did.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI was mildly dictatorial in my approach to being a husband, and a stepfather, and, yes, even a daddy.\u00a0 There were fractures on every facet of the diamond God had given us as a second chance.\u00a0 Then there was a separation.\u00a0 It lasted two years.\u00a0 That is when God began to teach me about forgiveness.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat picture that is painted there\u2014I remember when I heard it the first time.\u00a0 I was riveted because\u2014I'm not in a blended or a stepfamily.\u00a0 I couldn't begin to identify with what he was feeling\u2014but by the time he finished reading the letter\u2014and, by the way, I didn't read it all\u2014every man that was in the room was on the edge of their seats, wanting to know what my friend had learned about forgiveness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we focus on building a successful stepfamily, today, we're going to focus on the very core of that stepfamily, which is the marriage.\u00a0 With us, in the studio, to help us do that, is a gentleman who, over the last couple of days, has convinced us he knows his stuff about stepfamilies, Ron Deal.\u00a0 Ron, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 It's great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron is a minister.\u00a0 He's a family therapist.\u00a0 He does seminars, all across the country, called \u201cBuilding a Successful Stepfamily\u201d.\u00a0 He, and his wife, and three sons live in Jonesboro, Arkansas.\u00a0 Ron, you talk in your seminars about building a healthy marriage.\u00a0 What's really keeping stepfamilies\u2014what are the barriers to establishing a healthy marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first one that comes to mind is\u2014the parent\/child relationship is stronger and more bonded than is the new couple's relationship.\u00a0 Think about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's got more of a history to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 They've got more history.\u00a0 I mean, this parent has been with their children for a number of years.\u00a0 Whether there was a death, or whether there was a divorce, now they've been through the single-parent years.\u00a0 One of the things we know about single-parent families is that the parents and the children really bond together.\u00a0 They've got to stick together in order to make it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, now, there's a stepfather in the picture, or there's a stepmother in the picture.\u00a0 These children now have to learn how to share their parent with another adult.\u00a0 The biological parent is also saying, \"But my kids are so very important to me.\u00a0 You don't understand,\" you know, to their new spouse, \"You don't understand.\u00a0 These kids mean everything to me.\u00a0 They've been through enough as it is.\u00a0 I've seen them suffer enough.\u00a0 I don't want them to suffer anymore.\u201d\u00a0 There is this really strong temptation for the biological parent to favor their time and their energy towards the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe story that comes to mind is the guy who\u2014he and his wife came to see me.\u00a0 They actually got on a plane and flew from where they lived in Florida to come and see me to talk about this.\u00a0 They were nine years into their stepfamily experience.\u00a0 About the third or fourth month into the marriage, he made a statement to his new wife about his children.\u00a0 He said, \"Don't ever come between me and my kids.\u00a0 They can't get another father, but you can always get another husband.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, right then and there, he let her know what his priorities were.\u00a0 His priorities were his kids.\u00a0 Now, we want to kind of jump at that; and we want to say, \"What an awful guy!\"\u00a0 Well, you've got to pull back, and you've got to stop, and think for a minute.\u00a0 This is a man who has seen his kids go through some tough times.\u00a0 He knows that, emotionally, they need him.\u00a0 He is committed to them.\u00a0 Those are all qualities that we want any dad to have.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut his fear that his new wife, somehow, is going to intrude on that, or that she is going to bring pain or hardship to his children is putting him in a position where he feels like he's got to chose.\u00a0 All of a sudden, the marriage has taken a <em>huge<\/em> hit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember counseling a couple in a situation where the loyalties to the children far exceeded any commitment of covenant to the new husband or the new wife.\u00a0 I remember talking about Genesis, Chapter 2, where it talks about leaving, cleaving, and becoming one.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we usually talk about leaving in terms of leaving our parents.\u00a0 We certainly don't leave our children, in a stepfamily, in the sense of abandoning them; but we need to understand that our children have to know that we are committed to this new relationship, above all else.\u00a0 That's where the security can come from, the second time around, in a stepfamily; can't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It can.\u00a0 Initially, the children will be\u2014they will feel abandoned.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They'll compete; won't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 They will compete.\u00a0 They will be afraid.\u00a0 It makes sense, Dennis.\u00a0 They've been through a lot.\u00a0 They\u2019ve already lost contact with one parent, who lives in another household; and they may see him every other weekend.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like they\u2019re with that parent all the time.\u00a0 They\u2019ve been through a lot of losses, and because of that, they don't want to have any more losses.\u00a0 Now, they are having to share this biological parent.\u00a0 It makes sense that they would compete.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut biological parents\u2014and right now, there are some people listening to us, going, \"Okay, wait a minute.\u00a0 You're telling me I have to choose my spouse over my kids?\"\u00a0 My answer to that is, \u201cNo, we're not saying it's one or the other.\u00a0 It is a both\/and.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, I don't care if you live in a biological home with your children.\u00a0 Couples are, all the time, making sacrifices about what they need for their children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, biological parents in stepfamilies have to do the same thing.\u00a0 We make lots of sacrifices for our kids, whether you're in a biological home or a stepfamily home; but there has to be a priority given to the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, there are three words that most of us said in our wedding vows that often get overlooked.\u00a0 Those three words are, \"forsaking all others.\"\u00a0 I don't know how many times I've talked at a FamilyLife marriage conference to couples in a second marriage, wrestling with issues of a second marriage.\u00a0 I look at a mom and a dad.\u00a0 I say, \"Is the pledge of allegiance here to the person you are with or is it stronger with your children?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you would say\u2014when it gets to thick or thin\u2014\u201cI'm going to side with the kids,\u201d you're in dangerous territory.\u00a0 The kids are going to sense that.\u00a0 They're going to capitalize on that.\u00a0 They're going to work to drive the two of you apart because they're inherently selfish.\u00a0 They want your attention, and they want your allegiance to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, do you mean to tell me that kids would take advantage of divided adults?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's hard to imagine; isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I can't believe that would happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, my children have plotted and connived together in a corner to try to divide Barbara and me.\u00a0 I want to tell you\u2014the situation Bob is describing\u2014I have had happen at the end of messages at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference.\u00a0 The chaos that is created by a husband and wife who are more committed to the children than they are to their spouse.\u00a0 Well, it's a guaranteed failure of that family to ever begin to become all that God intended, even as a stepfamily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, let's turn this over for a second because there's another side to this equation.\u00a0 That is the stepparent's role in this new marriage.\u00a0 Stepparents need to understand a parent\/child bond is a special thing.\u00a0 They should never, ever challenge their new spouse, the children's biological parent.\u00a0 They should never say, \"Hey, it's me or them.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStepparents need to step out of the picture, every once in a while.\u00a0 Let biological parents spend time with their children because the children need that.\u00a0 It's a gift to the children for the stepparent to say, \"You need exclusive time on a regular basis.\u00a0 You date your kids.\u00a0 You spend time with them.\u00a0 I'll get out of the picture because that just makes it a little uneasy for the kids.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the same time, couples need to be spending exclusive time with each other, without the kids.\u00a0 So, again, it's that delicate balance of, \u201cWe're going to do both\/and.\u00a0 I'm going to continue my relationship with my kids because they need that from me.\u00a0 They need that security from me.\u00a0 At the same time, I am going to dedicate and give good time and energy to this new marriage.\u00a0 Otherwise, we're not going to be able to flourish.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's a little bit like we were talking about on the broadcast yesterday.\u00a0 It takes time to grow love so that it's a mature, committed love that can look beyond our faults.\u00a0 It's back to 1 Peter 4:8, where it says, \"Love covers a multitude of sins.\"\u00a0 If this isn't the number-one conflict between a husband and a wife in a stepfamily; what is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually, I think this is it because it ties in with the stepparent and the stepchild relationship.\u00a0 It's that triangle that takes place.\u00a0 People feel like there's only so much love to go around.\u00a0 I always tell stepfamilies, \"Look, you've got an endless supply of love points in Jesus Christ.\u00a0 It's not like, \u201cYou give your kids 50.\u00a0 Your spouse is only going to end up with 25,\" or, \u201cYou give all of them to one person, and there's nothing left for anybody else.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we do have a limited supply of energy points.\u00a0 You know, we can invest so much time in our kids that we have no energy for a spouse; and that is very true.\u00a0 Again, there's a balance there.\u00a0 I'm going to give time to my kids and to my spouse.\u00a0 Over time, as we come together and learn how to love each other more, and more, and more deeply, then I can give even more and more priority to the spouse relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf there's anything\u2014this seems backwards\u2014but, again, stepfamilies are different.\u00a0 In the beginning, biological parents probably need to favor their energy points\u2014in giving them to the children.\u00a0 Behind closed doors, whenever they can steal a moment, the couple needs to be spending time together.\u00a0 They do need to do special things and date one another; but, in the beginning, the children need the reinforcement that comes from mom's energy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The thing I hear you repeating over and over again\u2014you said it on Monday.\u00a0 You repeated it on Tuesday\u2014the word just pops out over and over again today\u2014time.\u00a0 It takes time for a stepfamily to begin to emerge into a cohesive unit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I would think there is another relationship that threatens the new marriage.\u00a0 It's not just the parent\/child relationship, but it's the previous relationships.\u00a0 There's everything from comparing how your new spouse cleans the dishes to comparing how the two of you come together in sexual intimacy.\u00a0 That's got to be a phantom that haunts the new marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let's say a gentleman by the name of Dave\u2014in his first marriage, his wife couldn't handle the checkbook.\u00a0 She'd forget to put checks in there and write the amounts.\u00a0 Every other week, they were getting a notice from the bank.\u00a0 Eventually, financial troubles were a great part of their conflict and distress.\u00a0 They almost went into bankruptcy\u2014a highly sensitive issue for him.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe gets into a remarriage situation.\u00a0 Six months into the marriage, his new wife forgets, one time, to write a check in the ledger book.\u00a0 All of a sudden, in his mind, \"Here we go again.\u00a0 All women cannot be trusted.\u00a0 This is an issue I've got to take control of so I can prevent it from turning into the kind of situation it was before.\"\u00a0 He demands the checkbooks.\u00a0 \u201cIf you want a certain amount of money, I'll give it to you.\u00a0 You're not getting any more money unless you show me why you need it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of a sudden, he's responding to her as if she is his ex-wife.\u00a0 I call it \"the ghost of marriage past\".\u00a0 It's very easy for people to be haunted by those memories, by those pains, by those losses.\u00a0 They bring them, if they're not careful, right into this new marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, resolving conflict is important in any marriage; but it would seem, that in a stepfamily situation, that careful attention would need to be paid toward really keeping the slate clean\u2014over-communicating, keeping that trust in place\u2014that Bob\u2019s talking about\u2014and doing everything possible to be at peace with your spouse.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I'm not talking about supporting them in sin\u2014but I am talking about dealing with issues of disappointment, miscommunication, hurt feelings, unmet expectations, as they occur; because if you don't, it's just as you said.\u00a0 I would think they'd begin to build up, and then that ghost begins to really haunt them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 All the things that people learn at your FamilyLife marriage conference apply to remarried couples\u2014all of them.\u00a0 They just have to deal with more complexity\u2014on top of that\u2014but learning communication skills, learning how to resolve conflict\u2014is extra important to stepfamily couples.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey've got to learn how to do all those things.\u00a0 I always advise couples, \u201cOnce a year, you need to go away and go to the FamilyLife marriage conference.\u00a0 You need to read a good book.\u00a0 You need to get involved with a Bible class because you've got to learn all those skills that everybody else has got to know\u2014plus, you've got to know how to deal with your stepchildren.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would think there are some issues here\u2014you know, we talked about how you can adjust in the parent\/child relationship\u2014but some of these phantom issues from the past\u2014there are going to be days when it's just going to hit you.\u00a0 You're going to be confronted with the fact that you're disappointed.\u00a0 It begins to play little mind games with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How do you get past that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, again, I think one of the things you have to do is you have to have an openness.\u00a0 You have to be willing to say, \"Okay, when my spouse looks at me and says, 'I am not her,' maybe I am projecting onto you some things.\u00a0 Maybe I am haunted by some hurts that I really haven't resolved.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron, the ghost of marriage past may not be in the grave.\u00a0 It may be a real person who is still there taunting, creating pain, making a mess of your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Forever\u2014you're going to be dealing with that person, if you've shared children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 Are there any coaching tips you would give couples who are in stepfamilies as they're hammering out their marriage in how they deal with a former spouse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first rule is\u2014like we've said\u2014forgiveness.\u00a0 Again, most people have not done that, Dennis.\u00a0 They have not really done the serious hard work of forgiving an ex-spouse and the situations that occurred there.\u00a0 They are still carrying that pain.\u00a0 As soon as you forgive it, as soon as you let go of it, and turn it over to God and say, \"This is past.\u00a0 I am moving on,\" then you unhook yourself.\u00a0 You release yourself from that prison, and you can begin to try to deal with this new person in <em>this<\/em> relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, lots of times, Dennis, couples get blindsided by these issues.\u00a0 They get blindsided by the bond between parent and child or blindsided by the ghost of marriage past.\u00a0 Ideally, people in a single-parent family, who are considering establishing a stepfamily\u2014they're thinking about marrying somebody and walking into this.\u00a0 Ideally, they've had a chance to think about these things ahead of time\u2014to be prepared for them\u2014to be proactive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Ron wrote an article that you read that deals with some of the issues you need to consider if you're thinking about establishing a stepfamily.\u00a0 It's an article that we've put on our website at FamilyLife.com that I think those folks, in single-parent households, if they're thinking about establishing a stepfamily\u2014this would be very helpful for them to read.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It would because I think we underestimate what it means for these two different nations to come together\u2014two different people from two different backgrounds, bringing all kinds of ancestors, and family members into the forging of another new nation.\u00a0 This article that Ron has written\u2014I think, will be helpful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And for couples who have already joined together those two nations and formed a stepfamily, Ron has a book called <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> that we have available in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 There is also a small group version of that book\u2014a DVD series, called <em>The Smart Stepfamily.<\/em>\u00a0 There is information about both of those resources on our website.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, FamilyLifeToday.com is the website; FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Ron has also written <em>The Smart Stepdad; <\/em>he co-wrote <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>.\u00a0 He has a lot of resources and articles.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about all that is available to help you in this situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe should mention Ron is now a part of the <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> team.\u00a0 He has joined us, here at our headquarters.\u00a0 We\u2019re trying to do all we can, as a ministry, to provide the most effective resources available to help couples strengthen their relationship and strengthen their stepfamily.\u00a0 We\u2019re glad to have Ron on the team.\u00a0 In the months ahead, you\u2019re going to be hearing more about some of our initiatives and some new resources that we\u2019re working to develop.\u00a0 So, keep in touch with us.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information; or call us toll-free at 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we are grateful for those listeners, who from time to time, will get in touch with us and let us know how God is using this program in your marriage, in your family.\u00a0 In fact, just recently, we had an all-staff meeting.\u00a0 Dennis, you shared a letter that we\u2019d gotten from a listener who was talking about just how significant <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> has been in her marriage and as she\u2019s raising her children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose notes are always a source of encouragement for us.\u00a0 \u201cThanks,\u201d to those of you who take time to write us an email or drop us a letter and let us know how God is using the ministry in your life.\u00a0 We also appreciate those of you, who from time to time, help support this ministry by making a donation.\u00a0 We are listener-supported.\u00a0 Whether it\u2019s an occasional $10, or $20, or $50, or $100 or more, your donations are what make this ministry possible.\u00a0 We appreciate your support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis week, if you can make a donation, we\u2019d love to send you Dennis Rainey\u2019s brand-new book called <em>Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Along with that book, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis\u2019 book, <em>Interviewing Your Daughter\u2019s Date.<\/em>\u00a0 Both of these books are designed to help you as your sons and daughters move through the teen years in what has become an increasingly sexually-charged culture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you make a donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, all you have to do is click the \u201cI Care\u201d button and fill out the donation form.\u00a0 We\u2019ll automatically send you these books as our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support of the ministry;\u201d or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 When you do that, just ask about the books we were talking about on the radio.\u00a0 Our team will know what you\u2019re talking about, and we\u2019ll get copies of those books sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, thanks for your support.\u00a0 We appreciate your partnership with us here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 And we hope you can be back with us tomorrow.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about the ex-factor\u2014not the TV show\u2014but how an ex-spouse can have an impact on a healthy stepfamily.\u00a0 I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["28.63M"],"filesize_raw":["30019474"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302511.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302511.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top 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vowed to love our spouse forever, but the marriage ended in divorce.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-25.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 In a stepfamily, your children want your attention and your affection; and so does your new mate.\u00a0 Who wins in that kind of a tug-of-war?\u00a0 Here is Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just recently, I was talking with a couple.\u00a0 They haven't gone on a date, yet, in five years of marriage.\u00a0 It really goes back to that notion of, \"Well, wait a minute.\u00a0 If we don't take the kids with us, won't they feel left out?\"\u00a0 Well, yes, they will; but your marriage needs some nurturing.\u00a0 You need to spend time with your new spouse, and you've got to make that relationship a priority.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, April 25<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 It is not unusual for children to try to undermine a marriage covenant in a blended family.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk more about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.\u00a0 Back last spring, Dennis, I was speaking in a local church on the subject of marriage and talking about marriage as a covenant relationship.\u00a0 There was a time for questions and answers, following my presentation.\u00a0 The first question was from a man who wanted to know, \u201cHow does the concept of covenant in marriage apply when you're in the middle of a second marriage?\u201d\u00a0 When there has already been the dissolution of one covenant, is it possible to establish a covenant marriage if you're with your second spouse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And, of course, you are wanting me to answer that question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's why I brought it up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right here on the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I said, \"I will ask Dennis Rainey that when we get back to the studio.\u00a0 You keep listening, sir; and I'm sure he'll have a wise biblical answer for you.\"\u00a0 So?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How did you answer, Bob?\u00a0 Actually, I received a letter from a pastor in the Bay Area after we did <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> in central California.\u00a0 He was politely taking us to task at our marriage covenant celebration event in an arena where we did not talk enough about stepfamilies and their responsibility to keep their marriage covenant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I believe, here on the broadcast, we've needed to address the whole issue of stepfamilies for a number of years.\u00a0 That's why we're talking about it all this week.\u00a0 There is a tremendous need for couples, who are in stepfamilies, to keep their pledge and their promise.\u00a0 You forged a new covenant.\u00a0 You can't look back at the old, other than to make sure that you've dealt with all the issues in the past.\u00a0 You need to look ahead to what God has before you right now, which is keeping your present covenant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome time ago, a man shared a letter, publicly, that I asked permission to read.\u00a0 I think it will soon become evident why I want to share it on the broadcast today, as we talk about stepfamilies:\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cMany of you know my story, but some of you don't.\u00a0 I have been divorced once and almost twice.\u00a0 Linda and I were married 12-and-a-half years ago, after merely two years of dating.\u00a0 Having both been left in our previous marriages and feeling fairly pious and faultless, we knew we could make it.\u00a0 She had a boy and a girl; I had two girls.\u00a0 There was the honeymoon, which was great!\u00a0 Then there was the reality of a ready-made family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cBut then blended families are great; right?\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 They broaden your horizons; give you a view of the world and family life that would normally go unnoticed.\u00a0 It's akin to a visit to a local dairy bar\u2014getting an ice cream cone with two flavors\u2014a swirl, I think, they call it.\u00a0 It kind of adds a little pizzazz to your life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe took my wife's daughter and son, poured them into our new house, added me and my children on some weekends and holidays, and turned the blender on high.\u00a0 I burned up the blender motor in the overdrive unit and tripped the main circuit breaker.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis guy is an electrician, Bob, so it's coming out here in this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\"When the smoke cleared, oil and water had already separated.\u00a0 Our children had already suffered through the scars of a divorce, and then we all suffered again through the battle of the blender blades.\u00a0 No one had higher hopes and dreams for our children and our marriage than we did.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI was mildly dictatorial in my approach to being a husband, and a stepfather, and, yes, even a daddy.\u00a0 There were fractures on every facet of the diamond God had given us as a second chance.\u00a0 Then there was a separation.\u00a0 It lasted two years.\u00a0 That is when God began to teach me about forgiveness.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat picture that is painted there\u2014I remember when I heard it the first time.\u00a0 I was riveted because\u2014I'm not in a blended or a stepfamily.\u00a0 I couldn't begin to identify with what he was feeling\u2014but by the time he finished reading the letter\u2014and, by the way, I didn't read it all\u2014every man that was in the room was on the edge of their seats, wanting to know what my friend had learned about forgiveness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we focus on building a successful stepfamily, today, we're going to focus on the very core of that stepfamily, which is the marriage.\u00a0 With us, in the studio, to help us do that, is a gentleman who, over the last couple of days, has convinced us he knows his stuff about stepfamilies, Ron Deal.\u00a0 Ron, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 It's great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron is a minister.\u00a0 He's a family therapist.\u00a0 He does seminars, all across the country, called \u201cBuilding a Successful Stepfamily\u201d.\u00a0 He, and his wife, and three sons live in Jonesboro, Arkansas.\u00a0 Ron, you talk in your seminars about building a healthy marriage.\u00a0 What's really keeping stepfamilies\u2014what are the barriers to establishing a healthy marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first one that comes to mind is\u2014the parent\/child relationship is stronger and more bonded than is the new couple's relationship.\u00a0 Think about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's got more of a history to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 They've got more history.\u00a0 I mean, this parent has been with their children for a number of years.\u00a0 Whether there was a death, or whether there was a divorce, now they've been through the single-parent years.\u00a0 One of the things we know about single-parent families is that the parents and the children really bond together.\u00a0 They've got to stick together in order to make it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, now, there's a stepfather in the picture, or there's a stepmother in the picture.\u00a0 These children now have to learn how to share their parent with another adult.\u00a0 The biological parent is also saying, \"But my kids are so very important to me.\u00a0 You don't understand,\" you know, to their new spouse, \"You don't understand.\u00a0 These kids mean everything to me.\u00a0 They've been through enough as it is.\u00a0 I've seen them suffer enough.\u00a0 I don't want them to suffer anymore.\u201d\u00a0 There is this really strong temptation for the biological parent to favor their time and their energy towards the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe story that comes to mind is the guy who\u2014he and his wife came to see me.\u00a0 They actually got on a plane and flew from where they lived in Florida to come and see me to talk about this.\u00a0 They were nine years into their stepfamily experience.\u00a0 About the third or fourth month into the marriage, he made a statement to his new wife about his children.\u00a0 He said, \"Don't ever come between me and my kids.\u00a0 They can't get another father, but you can always get another husband.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, right then and there, he let her know what his priorities were.\u00a0 His priorities were his kids.\u00a0 Now, we want to kind of jump at that; and we want to say, \"What an awful guy!\"\u00a0 Well, you've got to pull back, and you've got to stop, and think for a minute.\u00a0 This is a man who has seen his kids go through some tough times.\u00a0 He knows that, emotionally, they need him.\u00a0 He is committed to them.\u00a0 Those are all qualities that we want any dad to have.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut his fear that his new wife, somehow, is going to intrude on that, or that she is going to bring pain or hardship to his children is putting him in a position where he feels like he's got to chose.\u00a0 All of a sudden, the marriage has taken a <em>huge<\/em> hit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember counseling a couple in a situation where the loyalties to the children far exceeded any commitment of covenant to the new husband or the new wife.\u00a0 I remember talking about Genesis, Chapter 2, where it talks about leaving, cleaving, and becoming one.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we usually talk about leaving in terms of leaving our parents.\u00a0 We certainly don't leave our children, in a stepfamily, in the sense of abandoning them; but we need to understand that our children have to know that we are committed to this new relationship, above all else.\u00a0 That's where the security can come from, the second time around, in a stepfamily; can't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It can.\u00a0 Initially, the children will be\u2014they will feel abandoned.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They'll compete; won't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 They will compete.\u00a0 They will be afraid.\u00a0 It makes sense, Dennis.\u00a0 They've been through a lot.\u00a0 They\u2019ve already lost contact with one parent, who lives in another household; and they may see him every other weekend.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like they\u2019re with that parent all the time.\u00a0 They\u2019ve been through a lot of losses, and because of that, they don't want to have any more losses.\u00a0 Now, they are having to share this biological parent.\u00a0 It makes sense that they would compete.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut biological parents\u2014and right now, there are some people listening to us, going, \"Okay, wait a minute.\u00a0 You're telling me I have to choose my spouse over my kids?\"\u00a0 My answer to that is, \u201cNo, we're not saying it's one or the other.\u00a0 It is a both\/and.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, I don't care if you live in a biological home with your children.\u00a0 Couples are, all the time, making sacrifices about what they need for their children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, biological parents in stepfamilies have to do the same thing.\u00a0 We make lots of sacrifices for our kids, whether you're in a biological home or a stepfamily home; but there has to be a priority given to the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, there are three words that most of us said in our wedding vows that often get overlooked.\u00a0 Those three words are, \"forsaking all others.\"\u00a0 I don't know how many times I've talked at a FamilyLife marriage conference to couples in a second marriage, wrestling with issues of a second marriage.\u00a0 I look at a mom and a dad.\u00a0 I say, \"Is the pledge of allegiance here to the person you are with or is it stronger with your children?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you would say\u2014when it gets to thick or thin\u2014\u201cI'm going to side with the kids,\u201d you're in dangerous territory.\u00a0 The kids are going to sense that.\u00a0 They're going to capitalize on that.\u00a0 They're going to work to drive the two of you apart because they're inherently selfish.\u00a0 They want your attention, and they want your allegiance to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, do you mean to tell me that kids would take advantage of divided adults?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's hard to imagine; isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 I can't believe that would happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, my children have plotted and connived together in a corner to try to divide Barbara and me.\u00a0 I want to tell you\u2014the situation Bob is describing\u2014I have had happen at the end of messages at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference.\u00a0 The chaos that is created by a husband and wife who are more committed to the children than they are to their spouse.\u00a0 Well, it's a guaranteed failure of that family to ever begin to become all that God intended, even as a stepfamily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, let's turn this over for a second because there's another side to this equation.\u00a0 That is the stepparent's role in this new marriage.\u00a0 Stepparents need to understand a parent\/child bond is a special thing.\u00a0 They should never, ever challenge their new spouse, the children's biological parent.\u00a0 They should never say, \"Hey, it's me or them.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStepparents need to step out of the picture, every once in a while.\u00a0 Let biological parents spend time with their children because the children need that.\u00a0 It's a gift to the children for the stepparent to say, \"You need exclusive time on a regular basis.\u00a0 You date your kids.\u00a0 You spend time with them.\u00a0 I'll get out of the picture because that just makes it a little uneasy for the kids.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the same time, couples need to be spending exclusive time with each other, without the kids.\u00a0 So, again, it's that delicate balance of, \u201cWe're going to do both\/and.\u00a0 I'm going to continue my relationship with my kids because they need that from me.\u00a0 They need that security from me.\u00a0 At the same time, I am going to dedicate and give good time and energy to this new marriage.\u00a0 Otherwise, we're not going to be able to flourish.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's a little bit like we were talking about on the broadcast yesterday.\u00a0 It takes time to grow love so that it's a mature, committed love that can look beyond our faults.\u00a0 It's back to 1 Peter 4:8, where it says, \"Love covers a multitude of sins.\"\u00a0 If this isn't the number-one conflict between a husband and a wife in a stepfamily; what is?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually, I think this is it because it ties in with the stepparent and the stepchild relationship.\u00a0 It's that triangle that takes place.\u00a0 People feel like there's only so much love to go around.\u00a0 I always tell stepfamilies, \"Look, you've got an endless supply of love points in Jesus Christ.\u00a0 It's not like, \u201cYou give your kids 50.\u00a0 Your spouse is only going to end up with 25,\" or, \u201cYou give all of them to one person, and there's nothing left for anybody else.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we do have a limited supply of energy points.\u00a0 You know, we can invest so much time in our kids that we have no energy for a spouse; and that is very true.\u00a0 Again, there's a balance there.\u00a0 I'm going to give time to my kids and to my spouse.\u00a0 Over time, as we come together and learn how to love each other more, and more, and more deeply, then I can give even more and more priority to the spouse relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf there's anything\u2014this seems backwards\u2014but, again, stepfamilies are different.\u00a0 In the beginning, biological parents probably need to favor their energy points\u2014in giving them to the children.\u00a0 Behind closed doors, whenever they can steal a moment, the couple needs to be spending time together.\u00a0 They do need to do special things and date one another; but, in the beginning, the children need the reinforcement that comes from mom's energy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The thing I hear you repeating over and over again\u2014you said it on Monday.\u00a0 You repeated it on Tuesday\u2014the word just pops out over and over again today\u2014time.\u00a0 It takes time for a stepfamily to begin to emerge into a cohesive unit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I would think there is another relationship that threatens the new marriage.\u00a0 It's not just the parent\/child relationship, but it's the previous relationships.\u00a0 There's everything from comparing how your new spouse cleans the dishes to comparing how the two of you come together in sexual intimacy.\u00a0 That's got to be a phantom that haunts the new marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let's say a gentleman by the name of Dave\u2014in his first marriage, his wife couldn't handle the checkbook.\u00a0 She'd forget to put checks in there and write the amounts.\u00a0 Every other week, they were getting a notice from the bank.\u00a0 Eventually, financial troubles were a great part of their conflict and distress.\u00a0 They almost went into bankruptcy\u2014a highly sensitive issue for him.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe gets into a remarriage situation.\u00a0 Six months into the marriage, his new wife forgets, one time, to write a check in the ledger book.\u00a0 All of a sudden, in his mind, \"Here we go again.\u00a0 All women cannot be trusted.\u00a0 This is an issue I've got to take control of so I can prevent it from turning into the kind of situation it was before.\"\u00a0 He demands the checkbooks.\u00a0 \u201cIf you want a certain amount of money, I'll give it to you.\u00a0 You're not getting any more money unless you show me why you need it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of a sudden, he's responding to her as if she is his ex-wife.\u00a0 I call it \"the ghost of marriage past\".\u00a0 It's very easy for people to be haunted by those memories, by those pains, by those losses.\u00a0 They bring them, if they're not careful, right into this new marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, resolving conflict is important in any marriage; but it would seem, that in a stepfamily situation, that careful attention would need to be paid toward really keeping the slate clean\u2014over-communicating, keeping that trust in place\u2014that Bob\u2019s talking about\u2014and doing everything possible to be at peace with your spouse.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I'm not talking about supporting them in sin\u2014but I am talking about dealing with issues of disappointment, miscommunication, hurt feelings, unmet expectations, as they occur; because if you don't, it's just as you said.\u00a0 I would think they'd begin to build up, and then that ghost begins to really haunt them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 All the things that people learn at your FamilyLife marriage conference apply to remarried couples\u2014all of them.\u00a0 They just have to deal with more complexity\u2014on top of that\u2014but learning communication skills, learning how to resolve conflict\u2014is extra important to stepfamily couples.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey've got to learn how to do all those things.\u00a0 I always advise couples, \u201cOnce a year, you need to go away and go to the FamilyLife marriage conference.\u00a0 You need to read a good book.\u00a0 You need to get involved with a Bible class because you've got to learn all those skills that everybody else has got to know\u2014plus, you've got to know how to deal with your stepchildren.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would think there are some issues here\u2014you know, we talked about how you can adjust in the parent\/child relationship\u2014but some of these phantom issues from the past\u2014there are going to be days when it's just going to hit you.\u00a0 You're going to be confronted with the fact that you're disappointed.\u00a0 It begins to play little mind games with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How do you get past that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, again, I think one of the things you have to do is you have to have an openness.\u00a0 You have to be willing to say, \"Okay, when my spouse looks at me and says, 'I am not her,' maybe I am projecting onto you some things.\u00a0 Maybe I am haunted by some hurts that I really haven't resolved.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron, the ghost of marriage past may not be in the grave.\u00a0 It may be a real person who is still there taunting, creating pain, making a mess of your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Forever\u2014you're going to be dealing with that person, if you've shared children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 Are there any coaching tips you would give couples who are in stepfamilies as they're hammering out their marriage in how they deal with a former spouse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 The first rule is\u2014like we've said\u2014forgiveness.\u00a0 Again, most people have not done that, Dennis.\u00a0 They have not really done the serious hard work of forgiving an ex-spouse and the situations that occurred there.\u00a0 They are still carrying that pain.\u00a0 As soon as you forgive it, as soon as you let go of it, and turn it over to God and say, \"This is past.\u00a0 I am moving on,\" then you unhook yourself.\u00a0 You release yourself from that prison, and you can begin to try to deal with this new person in <em>this<\/em> relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, lots of times, Dennis, couples get blindsided by these issues.\u00a0 They get blindsided by the bond between parent and child or blindsided by the ghost of marriage past.\u00a0 Ideally, people in a single-parent family, who are considering establishing a stepfamily\u2014they're thinking about marrying somebody and walking into this.\u00a0 Ideally, they've had a chance to think about these things ahead of time\u2014to be prepared for them\u2014to be proactive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Ron wrote an article that you read that deals with some of the issues you need to consider if you're thinking about establishing a stepfamily.\u00a0 It's an article that we've put on our website at FamilyLife.com that I think those folks, in single-parent households, if they're thinking about establishing a stepfamily\u2014this would be very helpful for them to read.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It would because I think we underestimate what it means for these two different nations to come together\u2014two different people from two different backgrounds, bringing all kinds of ancestors, and family members into the forging of another new nation.\u00a0 This article that Ron has written\u2014I think, will be helpful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And for couples who have already joined together those two nations and formed a stepfamily, Ron has a book called <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> that we have available in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 There is also a small group version of that book\u2014a DVD series, called <em>The Smart Stepfamily.<\/em>\u00a0 There is information about both of those resources on our website.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, FamilyLifeToday.com is the website; FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Ron has also written <em>The Smart Stepdad; <\/em>he co-wrote <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>.\u00a0 He has a lot of resources and articles.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about all that is available to help you in this situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe should mention Ron is now a part of the <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> team.\u00a0 He has joined us, here at our headquarters.\u00a0 We\u2019re trying to do all we can, as a ministry, to provide the most effective resources available to help couples strengthen their relationship and strengthen their stepfamily.\u00a0 We\u2019re glad to have Ron on the team.\u00a0 In the months ahead, you\u2019re going to be hearing more about some of our initiatives and some new resources that we\u2019re working to develop.\u00a0 So, keep in touch with us.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information; or call us toll-free at 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we are grateful for those listeners, who from time to time, will get in touch with us and let us know how God is using this program in your marriage, in your family.\u00a0 In fact, just recently, we had an all-staff meeting.\u00a0 Dennis, you shared a letter that we\u2019d gotten from a listener who was talking about just how significant <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> has been in her marriage and as she\u2019s raising her children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose notes are always a source of encouragement for us.\u00a0 \u201cThanks,\u201d to those of you who take time to write us an email or drop us a letter and let us know how God is using the ministry in your life.\u00a0 We also appreciate those of you, who from time to time, help support this ministry by making a donation.\u00a0 We are listener-supported.\u00a0 Whether it\u2019s an occasional $10, or $20, or $50, or $100 or more, your donations are what make this ministry possible.\u00a0 We appreciate your support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis week, if you can make a donation, we\u2019d love to send you Dennis Rainey\u2019s brand-new book called <em>Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Along with that book, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis\u2019 book, <em>Interviewing Your Daughter\u2019s Date.<\/em>\u00a0 Both of these books are designed to help you as your sons and daughters move through the teen years in what has become an increasingly sexually-charged culture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you make a donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, all you have to do is click the \u201cI Care\u201d button and fill out the donation form.\u00a0 We\u2019ll automatically send you these books as our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support of the ministry;\u201d or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 When you do that, just ask about the books we were talking about on the radio.\u00a0 Our team will know what you\u2019re talking about, and we\u2019ll get copies of those books sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, thanks for your support.\u00a0 We appreciate your partnership with us here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 And we hope you can be back with us tomorrow.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about the ex-factor\u2014not the TV show\u2014but how an ex-spouse can have an impact on a healthy stepfamily.\u00a0 I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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