{"id":302509,"date":"2012-04-24T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2012-04-24T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/finding-realistic-expectations\/"},"modified":"2012-04-24T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2012-04-24T15:00:00","slug":"finding-realistic-expectations","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-realistic-expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"Finding Realistic Expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Marriage and family therapist Ron Deal will tell you how to blend a stepfamily so that it comes out just right!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-24.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"29.56M","filesize_raw":"30990813","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2888,2894,2892],"tags":[2585,4033],"podcast_series":[7397],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302509","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-multiple-home-realities","category-stepfamily-living","category-working-as-a-team","tag-blended-family","tag-divorce","podcast_series-your-stepfamily-standing-strong","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302509\/finding-realistic-expectations","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302509\/finding-realistic-expectations","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"bKBTTNwVmn\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-realistic-expectations\/\">Finding Realistic Expectations<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/finding-realistic-expectations\/embed\/#?secret=bKBTTNwVmn\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Finding Realistic Expectations&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"bKBTTNwVmn\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-24.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-24.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the big issues for children in a stepfamily is trying to figure out where their loyalties lie.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0The child, after remarriage, now says, \"Okay, wait a minute. This guy, I guess, is now my dad; or he's my stepdad or something.\"\u00a0 They almost feel some obligation to have a relationship with him; but, at the same time\u2014in the back of his mind\u2014his biological dad is in another home, saying, \"Now, don't enjoy him too much.\" This 11-year-old is getting the idea that, \u201cI can't be loyal to my stepdad because it would be disloyal to my biological dad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 24th.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 There are a lot of tangled relationships that happen when families get blended.\u00a0 It can be tough to try to untangle some of those.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk more about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.\u00a0 We're going to do a little cooking today on the broadcast.\u00a0 We've got a recipe we're going to bring out and just see what we can whip up, here in Mr. Rainey's kitchen.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 How's that?\u00a0 Mr. Rainey's kitchen!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We're going to talk about stepfamilies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You're going to give that guy\u2014what's his name on the Food Network<sup>\u2122<\/sup>?\u2014give him a run for his money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have some recipes, Bob.\u00a0 You underestimate me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, I have tasted your cooking.\u00a0 It's very good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I like to cook.\u00a0 Unfortunately, I like to eat, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We're not going to talk about cooking on the broadcast\u2014except, in just a moment, we are going to give you a recipe for how to cook a stepfamily; alright?\u00a0 We have with us the master chef, Ron Deal.\u00a0 Ron, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Thank you.\u00a0 It's great to be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron does seminars, all across the country, called \"Building a Successful Stepfamily\".\u00a0 You've, I guess, talked to thousands of folks in churches, and small groups, and retreats, all across the country, over the past ten years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron and his wife live in Jonesboro, Arkansas, with their three sons.\u00a0 He's a minister.\u00a0 He's a counselor\u2014I think, has got a lot to say that's very, very helpful.\u00a0 He has a recipe.\u00a0 It's \u201cHow to Cook a Stepfamily\u201d.\u00a0 Now, did you come up with this recipe yourself, Ron?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Actually, I did.\u00a0 You know, I was thinking, one day, about the blended family and that metaphor.\u00a0 We said on yesterday\u2019s program that most stepfamilies don't blend, and somebody usually gets creamed if they do.\u00a0 I started thinking, \u201cWell, if they don't blend, how do you cook a stepfamily?\u201d\u00a0 I mean, the notion of a blender is\u2014you put a bunch of ingredients in something and, all of a sudden, they become one fluid mixture.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat's just not quite what stepfamilies end up to become.\u00a0 So, \u201cHow do you do this?\u201d\u00a0 Well, I thought about the food processor.\u00a0 That just chops somebody up, and somebody gets chopped up in the process.\u00a0 For example, a parent who says to their child, \"Okay, you need to call your stepfather, 'Daddy'.\u00a0 We're not calling him 'Frank'.\u00a0 We're not calling him 'Stepdad'.\u00a0\u00a0 You need to call him, 'Daddy.'\"\u00a0 In effect, Mom has just chopped up real dad.\u00a0 He lives somewhere else, but he no longer exists.\u00a0 We've chopped him up; now, \u201cThis is now your new real dad.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat kind of pressure\u2014that kind of message\u2014really backfires within stepfamilies.\u00a0 It doesn't work.\u00a0 Food processor doesn't help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI began to think some about the microwave. These are families who want to be a nuke-lear family.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you catch that, Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It took you a minute; didn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, no, I read it first.\u00a0 I'd already caught it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0They're working really hard to not be any different than anybody else.\u00a0 They refused\u2014I had a guy call in to a radio program I was on one time and argue with me.\u00a0 \"We're not a stepfamily.\u00a0 We're not a stepfamily.\u00a0 We're just like everybody else.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, it's not a bad thing to be a stepfamily.\u00a0 It's just a different kind of family; but, yes, you are one.\u00a0 As long as you refuse to acknowledge that, you're not going to be able to find any creative solutions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would think this would be more prevalent because of the fast-paced culture we live in and people going, \u201cYou know, we've made a new family.\u00a0 We've got to make this happen quickly.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and microwave it.\u00a0 \u201cLet's just make it happen instantly.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, push the button.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0It doesn't work.\u00a0 That's the same thing with a pressure cooker.\u00a0 You know, \u201cWe're just going to add a lot of pressure.\u00a0 We're going to force each other to love one another. If the kids don't do it, we're going to be really upset with them because they've been unwilling to do that.\u201d\u00a0 All of those things backfire.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe one other approach that really doesn't work is called the tossed salad.\u00a0 That's where we just kind of throw one another up in the air.\u00a0 I think about the family\u2014for example\u2014that when one of their children, who has part-time residence in another home; but then, there are some children that remain in the home over the weekend.\u00a0 \u201cWhile you're gone, your possessions are ours.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, let's stop and think about that for a minute.\u00a0 If my possessions, when I'm at dad's house\u2014all of a sudden\u2014anybody can play with my stuff, and mess up my room, and get into my drawers, or play with my toys\u2014then, I don't have a place, really, in that home.\u00a0 The tossed salad is, \u201cWe'll just toss you up in the air.\u00a0 Wherever you come down, you're supposed to be okay with that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's really disrespectful for parents to do that.\u00a0 You need to set up a rule that says, \"Can we use your stuff?\u00a0 Can Johnny ride your bike while you're over at your dad's house?\"\u00a0 \"Oh, sure, that's fine.\"\u00a0 Okay, well, now we've at least been respectful to this child and given him a place, even when he's not there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo how do you cook a stepfamily if all of those don't work?\u00a0 Well, it's the crock pot.\u00a0 You know, when my wife works with a crock pot\u2014she just throws everything in it, and turns it on, and walks away.\u00a0 That's exactly the two key elements here we're talking about\u2014time and low heat.\u00a0 Stepfamilies need to understand it takes <em>time<\/em> to cook a family.\u00a0 There is nothing instant about it.\u00a0 In fact, the more you try to make it instant, the more it backfires.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But it can happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0But it can happen.\u00a0 Low heat is the other one.\u00a0 You see a pressure cooker and a microwave\u2014they're all using high heat.\u00a0 They're all trying to work with high pressure to create love and bondedness.\u00a0 When that doesn't happen, people get frustrated with each other.\u00a0 A crock pot\u2014it takes six hours\u2014you've got something good to eat.\u00a0 Well, the average stepfamily takes six or seven years; and then you've got something good to eat.\u00a0 Being patient and letting the process work for you\u2014a crock pot brings the juices together slowly, over time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think, as many were listening to your illustration of the different types of processing food there\u2014some in a stepfamily were thinking, \"I'm in none of those.\u00a0 I'm in a frying pan.\u00a0 We're in enormous pain today.\u00a0 The heat is up. I want out!\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have seven steps to keep people in a stepfamily from stepping out; but instead, you call them to step up.\u00a0 Share with our listeners what those seven steps to a successful stepfamily are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, the first one is, as you said, to step up.\u00a0 What I'm talking about here is experiencing and discovering a God Who loves and forgives.\u00a0 We said on yesterday's program\u2014the wilderness wanderings can be really, really, difficult.\u00a0 That Promised Land can seem so far away, but God is still leading.\u00a0 It's up to us to trust Him and to continue to follow.\u00a0 So, step up to discover a God Who loves and forgives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two, step down your expectations\u2014as we've been talking about.\u00a0 It's not going to happen instantly.\u00a0 You can't force a stepfamily.\u00a0 You can't make people love one another.\u00a0 Relax and let it happen over time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTwo-step\u2014that's my way of saying the couple has got to work together.\u00a0 They've got to work in unison, almost like they're dancing together. You know, like two ice-skaters on ice have to work in harmony.\u00a0 The couple has to work on their relationship, even in the midst of all the complexity going on around them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSide-step is to side-step the pitfalls that are common to most stepfamilies.\u00a0 There are a number of things that we could talk about there; but some of the things that hit my mind, automatically, are a stepparent who jumps in, and expects authority with stepchildren, and tries to force themselves upon the stepchildren.\u00a0 That's one of the biggest and most common pitfalls.\u00a0 It really slows everything down, and it really creates a lot of distress in the home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, you\u2019ve talked about stepping up to discover a God Who loves and forgives; step down your expectations; two-step\u2014your marriage must be a priority; side-step the pitfalls common to most stepfamilies.\u00a0 What are the last three?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Step in line\u2014that has to do with all the adults who have anything to do with the children.\u00a0 There are two levels there.\u00a0 Step in line with your ex-spouse or the biological parent of the child that you have in common.\u00a0 You're still going to have to cooperate.\u00a0 These children are moving back and forth between your homes.\u00a0 You've still got to find ways of working together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, also, this deals with the parent and the stepparent role.\u00a0 How do they work together, as a couple, to govern the children in their home?\u00a0 Step through the wilderness wanderings with patience, with perseverance, and with dedication.\u00a0 Otherwise, you won't get to that Promised Land.\u00a0 It's there.\u00a0 It's just much further away than maybe you anticipated.\u00a0 You've got to stick with it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, if you do all those things, you can step over into the Promised Land.\u00a0 What I mean by that is there are some rewards to stepfamily life.\u00a0 We know that couples can have good, solid relationships in stepfamilies.\u00a0 We know that children can have good relationships with stepparents, and that can be a relationship that influences children towards Christ.\u00a0 There can be health there, but you have to go through the wanderings in order to get to the reward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is something that you teach, Ron, in your seminars where you expose the differing, unrealistic expectations that stepfamilies foster.\u00a0 In fact, it\u2019s a chart that talks about the unrealistic expectations and exposes them; but then you also move to a realistic expectation.\u00a0 We decided to feature that also on the website because we\u2019re not going to get to all of the expectations Ron has listed here.\u00a0 Why don't you share one of the unrealistic expectations that stepfamilies can have?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0The first one is that, \u201cWe will all love one another.\u201d\u00a0 Of course, there\u2019s that notion of instant love; and we\u2019ve already addressed that.\u00a0 This deals with, \u201cWe will <em>all<\/em> love one another.\u201d\u00a0 Really, the truth of the matter is love may or may not develop.\u00a0 It will probably develop later\u2014much later than you would like for it to.\u00a0 Relaxing those expectations and saying, \"We're going to learn how to get along.\u00a0 We can be courteous. We can be kind, and we can be respectful, long before we love each other,\u201d\u2014long before there is even any deep emotional bond.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Here is where I've seen this be a challenge for couples.\u00a0 During the time when Mom, who is a single parent, is beginning to cultivate a relationship with this new man\u2014the new man and the 11-year-old son just are getting along famously.\u00a0 One of the things that brings hope back to Mom's heart is that, \u201cMy son is so connecting with this new man in my life.\u201d\u00a0 Then they get married, and that connection seems to evaporate and turn to anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0There is an incredible shift that takes place at the point of remarriage.\u00a0 It's not universal; but it's one of those things where I always advise people, \"Look, do all your work on the frontend; but realize the day you get married, you may be hitting the reset button.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt may be\u2014I think about the couple who called me the day after their wedding.\u00a0 They had come to me for premarital counseling.\u00a0 You know, I'm supposed to be good at this.\u00a0 We did all the remarriage stuff, and we did all the planning, and we helped them work through things, and we worked for a number of months trying to help them anticipate, have conversations with her daughters, who are in their late adolescent years, before they got married.\u00a0 We thought everything was, \u201cA go.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe day of the wedding, those two girls laid into their mom.\u00a0 They started berating her, both for her decision to divorce, as well as, now, her decision to remarry.\u00a0 That woman spent her wedding night in tears.\u00a0 It doesn't always go like that.\u00a0 It's not always that dramatic, but there are a lot of shifts that take place.\u00a0 You see, children, for example, will warm up to the stepfather you were talking about.\u00a0 They enjoy doing stuff.\u00a0 It's a light-hearted relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes, he takes them to Chuck E. Cheese<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, to the beach, whatever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's a courtship.\u00a0 He's courting the kids, as well as the mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Right.\u00a0 There are two shifts that take place.\u00a0\u00a0 The child, after remarriage, now says, \"Okay, wait a minute. This guy, I guess, is now my dad,\u201d or, \u201cHe's my stepdad or something.\"\u00a0\u00a0 They almost feel some obligation to have a relationship with him; but, at the same time\u2014in the back of his mind\u2014his biological dad is in another home, saying, \"Now, don't enjoy him too much.\" This 11-year-old is getting the idea that, \u201cI can't be loyal to my stepdad because it would be disloyal to my biological dad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other shift is this stepfather who, before marriage, just kind of enjoyed being with the kid.\u00a0 You know, it was just a fun thing to do.\u00a0 But now that he's married, and he's actually living in the home, he feels a greater need of responsibility.\u00a0 He feels like, again, he's got to step in there and do something, as a parent.\u00a0 He tries to turn on the parenting authority that he hasn't earned yet.\u00a0 Those two things collide and meet head- on and, all of a sudden, there's a problem in their relationship that never showed itself before marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, yesterday, on the broadcast, Bob confessed here to our national radio audience that he and Mary Ann didn't have an ideal marriage.\u00a0 (Laughter) We kind of chuckled about that because we all identify.\u00a0 No one has an ideal marriage.\u00a0 Yet, I look at this unrealistic expectation\u2014and I'm not in a stepfamily\u2014but this unrealistic expectation reads, \"We will all love one another.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we think, \u201cThat's going to happen in marriage.\u201d\u00a0 We think, \u201cThat's going to happen in my family, whether you're a stepfamily or not.\u201d\u00a0 Yet, I can understand how someone, coming out of either the death of a spouse or a divorce, and hoping to re-cement a family, of sorts, back together again would think, \u201cYou know, we can achieve this thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYet, let me just read a passage and think about a stepfamily\u2014or, for that matter, think about your family\u2014as Paul exhorts us about what real, mature love looks like.\u00a0 This is birthed by the Spirit of God in the heart of a man, over time, where maturity takes place between people.\u00a0 Romans, Chapter 12, verse 9, \"Let love be without hypocrisy.\u00a0 Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.\u00a0 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.\"\u00a0 I can see how that would be needed in a stepfamily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Big time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0And people can live for that standard.\u00a0 They can pursue that.\u00a0 But we're talking about\u2014when we say, \u201cWe all love one another,\u201d is the deep emotional bonds of fondness, and feeling comfortable hugging you, and deep affections\u2014that's the level which only comes with time.\u00a0 We only earn that kind of love in a family relationship; but if we try to force it, it works against us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0What about the expectation, Ron\u2014that, \u201cThis time is going to be different for us\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, again, it's kind of like, \"I've learned some lessons from my past relationships, and we don't want to make those same mistakes again.\"\u00a0 We go into this remarriage, assuming that we'll do it better this time around\u2014except, that to compare this new family to a biological family is misguided from the get-go.\u00a0 The premise that we're trying to say here is that, \u201cStepfamilies are different.\u201d\u00a0 To constantly compare a stepfamily to a biological family\u2014you're going to end up feeling like a failure, in the end, as it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing about that is, \u201cThis is a new marriage.\u00a0 It's a new relationship.\u201d\u00a0 Yes, you may have learned some lessons.\u00a0 Yes, you may be a new person, a different person, and you may have learned some things; but you've still got to learn how to do life with <em>this<\/em> person.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like you just take out one person, and plug in another one, and now, \u201cThis time, things are going to be better.\u201d\u00a0 We just have to build a new family, and have new relationships, and let those relationships stand on their own instead of comparing them to former families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 A part of the challenge there is, that as we look back on the first relationship, we think, \u201cOne of the big problems was that other person. Now, that the other person\u2019s not here, we won\u2019t have that liability\u2014that baggage.\u201d\u00a0 The problem is that the other half of the equation is still there.\u00a0 You bring your own problems in <em>and<\/em> you\u2019ve got a new set of problems that you just married yourself to; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s accepting that this is a different family.\u00a0 This is a new relationship.\u00a0 We don\u2019t have to live in comparison to the past.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There's another expectation.\u00a0 Ron, you list on your chart that our children will feel as happy about the remarriage as we do.\u00a0 This is really interesting because it doesn't always happen with little children.\u00a0 We're talking adult children who make observations about Mom or Dad\u2014who, maybe through the loss of a spouse due to death or divorce, find themselves in a remarriage situation.\u00a0 The adult children\u2014I know of one situation I'm thinking of now.\u00a0 <em>All<\/em> the children were against the remarriage, and the mom went ahead and did it anyway.\u00a0 That marriage was born out of the turmoil of the entire extended family really being against that marriage.\u00a0 That expectation was dashed from the beginning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Parents need to understand this, \u201cMarriage, for them, is a gain.\u00a0 It is another loss for their children.\u201d\u00a0 For the adults, \u201cThis is somebody who makes me feel good.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to have a partner to share life with now.\u201d\u00a0 You want your kids to be okay with this; but for the children, it\u2019s another loss.\u00a0 What they want is for Mom and Dad to be back together again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKids want their parents reconciled.\u00a0 When Mom gets married to another guy\u2014that is a loss for them.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t ask for the divorce.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t ask for Mom and Dad to not like each other.\u00a0 They certainly didn\u2019t ask for another person to step in the way of Mom and Dad reconciling.\u00a0 It is a loss for them.\u00a0 Adults need to understand that because, if they don\u2019t, then they get into this situation where they\u2019re forcing relationships upon the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Can two adults, Ron, recognize these expectations before they even form a stepfamily?\u00a0 Can they be proactive to deal with these, or do they kind of have to wait for it to come up before they can really get into the midst of it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, I think it's tough for them to recognize it; but if they come to one of my seminars, or they read a good book, or find a good resource, then, all of a sudden, they stop, and they think, \"Well, maybe I am doing that.\"\u00a0 You know, fantasies are not things that we realize they're fantasies until they're not working out, unfortunately.\u00a0 So, trying to catch people on the frontend and saying, \"Take this really slowly because the children may not feel about this the way you do.\u00a0 You need to give them some space.\u00a0 You need to give them time.\u00a0 You need to be incredibly respectful to the losses and the pain that they have already experienced.\u00a0 Otherwise, you're going to shove more pain on them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, it hits me, as you've talked today on the broadcast, that certainly God is in everyday life, helping people redeem broken situations, whether by death or divorce.\u00a0 Remarriages take place, even remarriages that are against Scripture.\u00a0 In that situation, God, in His grace and mercy, redeems and resurrects individuals, marriages, and families.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI am also struck, after listening\u2014God designed that one man and one woman live for a lifetime together and create a marriage covenant so that a family flows from that.\u00a0 That won't be perfect.\u00a0 That won't be the ideal; but when that covenant is broken, and you go and establish another covenant and another family\u2014certainly, the opportunity for that to become all that God intended is even less than the first unit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think of our nation and the anguish that must be in the homes of America.\u00a0 I mean, I really wonder how much of this is being translated into young people as they grow up through elementary school, and their teenage years, and on into their adulthood lives.\u00a0 I mean, if you and I have difficulty sorting out our emotions about difficult issues of loss, and of guilt, and anger around a divorce, what must a child feel and think as they watch their mother and father divorce and then go form and forge separate, new entities?\u00a0 It's just not the ideal of what God designed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0And I think a lot of couples who are in a stepfamily\u2014one of the things they need to hear and be reminded of is that the challenges they\u2019re facing are not unique to them.\u00a0 There are other families who have faced challenges like this, as well.\u00a0 There are ways to apply biblical principles to help them navigate some of these challenging situations.\u00a0 In fact, Ron has written a book called, <em>The Smart Stepfamily,<\/em> that we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn addition to the book, there\u2019s a small group resource\u2014a DVD study\u2014on <em>The Smart <\/em>Stepfamily\u2014eight sessions that you can go through with other couples.\u00a0 I think, Ron, you would agree that to go through the material with other couples is probably the best way to do it.\u00a0 That way, your shared experience can be added to the material and help you get a better handle on how you can have the most effective stepfamily situation, given your circumstances.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon has also written a book called <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>.\u00a0 He has co-written <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>.\u00a0 There are other stepfamily resources that we have available at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Go to our website FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on all of the resources that are available.\u00a0 I should mention that Ron is now part of the FamilyLife team.\u00a0 The Smart Stepfamily ministry that he has been doing for many years now has become a part of what we\u2019re doing here at FamilyLife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to help couples, in whatever circumstance\u2014whatever situation you\u2019re in\u2014regardless of how you ended up there.\u00a0 We want to help your marriage and your family be as strong, and as healthy, and as God-focused as it can be.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about these resources available, or call us toll-free at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGet more information on The Smart Stepfamily resources from Ron Deal when you get in touch with us.\u00a0 And let me say a special word of thanks to those listeners who, from time to time, get in touch with us to donate and to support <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Your donations make this ministry possible.\u00a0 When I say, \u201cthis ministry\u201d\u2014I mean, not just this daily radio program, but all that we\u2019re doing on our website and as we work to create resources and work in conjunction with Ron on stepfamily resources.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour donations are the fuel that make all of that possible.\u00a0 We appreciate your support of this ministry.\u00a0 In fact, this week, if you can make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d like to send you Dennis Rainey\u2019s brand-new book called <em>Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys:<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>7 Conversations You Must Have with Your Teenage Son.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Actually, you ought to have these conversations before he becomes a teenager.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn addition to the <em>Aggressive Girls <\/em>book, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis\u2019 book, <em>Interviewing Your Daughter\u2019s Date<\/em>, so that as your kids go through the teen years, you can help point them in the right direction and protect them, as well.\u00a0 Again, these two books are our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.\u201d<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>You can make a donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 When you go there, click the button that says, \u201cI Care\u201d.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMake an online donation and we\u2019ll send you these books, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone and ask for the books we were talking about on the radio.\u00a0 Our team will know what you\u2019re talking about, and we\u2019ll be happy to send those out to you.\u00a0 Again, thanks for your support of the ministry.\u00a0 We really do appreciate it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back again tomorrow.\u00a0 Ron Deal is going to be here again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to continue talking about challenges that stepfamilies face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["29.56M"],"filesize_raw":["30990813"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302509.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302509.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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and family therapist Ron Deal will tell you how to blend a stepfamily so that it comes out just right!","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2012-04-24.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the big issues for children in a stepfamily is trying to figure out where their loyalties lie.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0The child, after remarriage, now says, \"Okay, wait a minute. This guy, I guess, is now my dad; or he's my stepdad or something.\"\u00a0 They almost feel some obligation to have a relationship with him; but, at the same time\u2014in the back of his mind\u2014his biological dad is in another home, saying, \"Now, don't enjoy him too much.\" This 11-year-old is getting the idea that, \u201cI can't be loyal to my stepdad because it would be disloyal to my biological dad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 24th.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 There are a lot of tangled relationships that happen when families get blended.\u00a0 It can be tough to try to untangle some of those.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk more about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.\u00a0 We're going to do a little cooking today on the broadcast.\u00a0 We've got a recipe we're going to bring out and just see what we can whip up, here in Mr. Rainey's kitchen.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 How's that?\u00a0 Mr. Rainey's kitchen!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We're going to talk about stepfamilies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You're going to give that guy\u2014what's his name on the Food Network<sup>\u2122<\/sup>?\u2014give him a run for his money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have some recipes, Bob.\u00a0 You underestimate me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, I have tasted your cooking.\u00a0 It's very good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I like to cook.\u00a0 Unfortunately, I like to eat, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right. (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We're not going to talk about cooking on the broadcast\u2014except, in just a moment, we are going to give you a recipe for how to cook a stepfamily; alright?\u00a0 We have with us the master chef, Ron Deal.\u00a0 Ron, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Thank you.\u00a0 It's great to be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron does seminars, all across the country, called \"Building a Successful Stepfamily\".\u00a0 You've, I guess, talked to thousands of folks in churches, and small groups, and retreats, all across the country, over the past ten years?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ron and his wife live in Jonesboro, Arkansas, with their three sons.\u00a0 He's a minister.\u00a0 He's a counselor\u2014I think, has got a lot to say that's very, very helpful.\u00a0 He has a recipe.\u00a0 It's \u201cHow to Cook a Stepfamily\u201d.\u00a0 Now, did you come up with this recipe yourself, Ron?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Actually, I did.\u00a0 You know, I was thinking, one day, about the blended family and that metaphor.\u00a0 We said on yesterday\u2019s program that most stepfamilies don't blend, and somebody usually gets creamed if they do.\u00a0 I started thinking, \u201cWell, if they don't blend, how do you cook a stepfamily?\u201d\u00a0 I mean, the notion of a blender is\u2014you put a bunch of ingredients in something and, all of a sudden, they become one fluid mixture.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat's just not quite what stepfamilies end up to become.\u00a0 So, \u201cHow do you do this?\u201d\u00a0 Well, I thought about the food processor.\u00a0 That just chops somebody up, and somebody gets chopped up in the process.\u00a0 For example, a parent who says to their child, \"Okay, you need to call your stepfather, 'Daddy'.\u00a0 We're not calling him 'Frank'.\u00a0 We're not calling him 'Stepdad'.\u00a0\u00a0 You need to call him, 'Daddy.'\"\u00a0 In effect, Mom has just chopped up real dad.\u00a0 He lives somewhere else, but he no longer exists.\u00a0 We've chopped him up; now, \u201cThis is now your new real dad.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat kind of pressure\u2014that kind of message\u2014really backfires within stepfamilies.\u00a0 It doesn't work.\u00a0 Food processor doesn't help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI began to think some about the microwave. These are families who want to be a nuke-lear family.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you catch that, Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It took you a minute; didn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, no, I read it first.\u00a0 I'd already caught it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0They're working really hard to not be any different than anybody else.\u00a0 They refused\u2014I had a guy call in to a radio program I was on one time and argue with me.\u00a0 \"We're not a stepfamily.\u00a0 We're not a stepfamily.\u00a0 We're just like everybody else.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, it's not a bad thing to be a stepfamily.\u00a0 It's just a different kind of family; but, yes, you are one.\u00a0 As long as you refuse to acknowledge that, you're not going to be able to find any creative solutions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would think this would be more prevalent because of the fast-paced culture we live in and people going, \u201cYou know, we've made a new family.\u00a0 We've got to make this happen quickly.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and microwave it.\u00a0 \u201cLet's just make it happen instantly.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, push the button.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0It doesn't work.\u00a0 That's the same thing with a pressure cooker.\u00a0 You know, \u201cWe're just going to add a lot of pressure.\u00a0 We're going to force each other to love one another. If the kids don't do it, we're going to be really upset with them because they've been unwilling to do that.\u201d\u00a0 All of those things backfire.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe one other approach that really doesn't work is called the tossed salad.\u00a0 That's where we just kind of throw one another up in the air.\u00a0 I think about the family\u2014for example\u2014that when one of their children, who has part-time residence in another home; but then, there are some children that remain in the home over the weekend.\u00a0 \u201cWhile you're gone, your possessions are ours.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, let's stop and think about that for a minute.\u00a0 If my possessions, when I'm at dad's house\u2014all of a sudden\u2014anybody can play with my stuff, and mess up my room, and get into my drawers, or play with my toys\u2014then, I don't have a place, really, in that home.\u00a0 The tossed salad is, \u201cWe'll just toss you up in the air.\u00a0 Wherever you come down, you're supposed to be okay with that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's really disrespectful for parents to do that.\u00a0 You need to set up a rule that says, \"Can we use your stuff?\u00a0 Can Johnny ride your bike while you're over at your dad's house?\"\u00a0 \"Oh, sure, that's fine.\"\u00a0 Okay, well, now we've at least been respectful to this child and given him a place, even when he's not there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo how do you cook a stepfamily if all of those don't work?\u00a0 Well, it's the crock pot.\u00a0 You know, when my wife works with a crock pot\u2014she just throws everything in it, and turns it on, and walks away.\u00a0 That's exactly the two key elements here we're talking about\u2014time and low heat.\u00a0 Stepfamilies need to understand it takes <em>time<\/em> to cook a family.\u00a0 There is nothing instant about it.\u00a0 In fact, the more you try to make it instant, the more it backfires.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But it can happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0But it can happen.\u00a0 Low heat is the other one.\u00a0 You see a pressure cooker and a microwave\u2014they're all using high heat.\u00a0 They're all trying to work with high pressure to create love and bondedness.\u00a0 When that doesn't happen, people get frustrated with each other.\u00a0 A crock pot\u2014it takes six hours\u2014you've got something good to eat.\u00a0 Well, the average stepfamily takes six or seven years; and then you've got something good to eat.\u00a0 Being patient and letting the process work for you\u2014a crock pot brings the juices together slowly, over time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think, as many were listening to your illustration of the different types of processing food there\u2014some in a stepfamily were thinking, \"I'm in none of those.\u00a0 I'm in a frying pan.\u00a0 We're in enormous pain today.\u00a0 The heat is up. I want out!\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have seven steps to keep people in a stepfamily from stepping out; but instead, you call them to step up.\u00a0 Share with our listeners what those seven steps to a successful stepfamily are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, the first one is, as you said, to step up.\u00a0 What I'm talking about here is experiencing and discovering a God Who loves and forgives.\u00a0 We said on yesterday's program\u2014the wilderness wanderings can be really, really, difficult.\u00a0 That Promised Land can seem so far away, but God is still leading.\u00a0 It's up to us to trust Him and to continue to follow.\u00a0 So, step up to discover a God Who loves and forgives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two, step down your expectations\u2014as we've been talking about.\u00a0 It's not going to happen instantly.\u00a0 You can't force a stepfamily.\u00a0 You can't make people love one another.\u00a0 Relax and let it happen over time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTwo-step\u2014that's my way of saying the couple has got to work together.\u00a0 They've got to work in unison, almost like they're dancing together. You know, like two ice-skaters on ice have to work in harmony.\u00a0 The couple has to work on their relationship, even in the midst of all the complexity going on around them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSide-step is to side-step the pitfalls that are common to most stepfamilies.\u00a0 There are a number of things that we could talk about there; but some of the things that hit my mind, automatically, are a stepparent who jumps in, and expects authority with stepchildren, and tries to force themselves upon the stepchildren.\u00a0 That's one of the biggest and most common pitfalls.\u00a0 It really slows everything down, and it really creates a lot of distress in the home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, you\u2019ve talked about stepping up to discover a God Who loves and forgives; step down your expectations; two-step\u2014your marriage must be a priority; side-step the pitfalls common to most stepfamilies.\u00a0 What are the last three?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Step in line\u2014that has to do with all the adults who have anything to do with the children.\u00a0 There are two levels there.\u00a0 Step in line with your ex-spouse or the biological parent of the child that you have in common.\u00a0 You're still going to have to cooperate.\u00a0 These children are moving back and forth between your homes.\u00a0 You've still got to find ways of working together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, also, this deals with the parent and the stepparent role.\u00a0 How do they work together, as a couple, to govern the children in their home?\u00a0 Step through the wilderness wanderings with patience, with perseverance, and with dedication.\u00a0 Otherwise, you won't get to that Promised Land.\u00a0 It's there.\u00a0 It's just much further away than maybe you anticipated.\u00a0 You've got to stick with it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, if you do all those things, you can step over into the Promised Land.\u00a0 What I mean by that is there are some rewards to stepfamily life.\u00a0 We know that couples can have good, solid relationships in stepfamilies.\u00a0 We know that children can have good relationships with stepparents, and that can be a relationship that influences children towards Christ.\u00a0 There can be health there, but you have to go through the wanderings in order to get to the reward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is something that you teach, Ron, in your seminars where you expose the differing, unrealistic expectations that stepfamilies foster.\u00a0 In fact, it\u2019s a chart that talks about the unrealistic expectations and exposes them; but then you also move to a realistic expectation.\u00a0 We decided to feature that also on the website because we\u2019re not going to get to all of the expectations Ron has listed here.\u00a0 Why don't you share one of the unrealistic expectations that stepfamilies can have?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0The first one is that, \u201cWe will all love one another.\u201d\u00a0 Of course, there\u2019s that notion of instant love; and we\u2019ve already addressed that.\u00a0 This deals with, \u201cWe will <em>all<\/em> love one another.\u201d\u00a0 Really, the truth of the matter is love may or may not develop.\u00a0 It will probably develop later\u2014much later than you would like for it to.\u00a0 Relaxing those expectations and saying, \"We're going to learn how to get along.\u00a0 We can be courteous. We can be kind, and we can be respectful, long before we love each other,\u201d\u2014long before there is even any deep emotional bond.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Here is where I've seen this be a challenge for couples.\u00a0 During the time when Mom, who is a single parent, is beginning to cultivate a relationship with this new man\u2014the new man and the 11-year-old son just are getting along famously.\u00a0 One of the things that brings hope back to Mom's heart is that, \u201cMy son is so connecting with this new man in my life.\u201d\u00a0 Then they get married, and that connection seems to evaporate and turn to anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0There is an incredible shift that takes place at the point of remarriage.\u00a0 It's not universal; but it's one of those things where I always advise people, \"Look, do all your work on the frontend; but realize the day you get married, you may be hitting the reset button.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt may be\u2014I think about the couple who called me the day after their wedding.\u00a0 They had come to me for premarital counseling.\u00a0 You know, I'm supposed to be good at this.\u00a0 We did all the remarriage stuff, and we did all the planning, and we helped them work through things, and we worked for a number of months trying to help them anticipate, have conversations with her daughters, who are in their late adolescent years, before they got married.\u00a0 We thought everything was, \u201cA go.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe day of the wedding, those two girls laid into their mom.\u00a0 They started berating her, both for her decision to divorce, as well as, now, her decision to remarry.\u00a0 That woman spent her wedding night in tears.\u00a0 It doesn't always go like that.\u00a0 It's not always that dramatic, but there are a lot of shifts that take place.\u00a0 You see, children, for example, will warm up to the stepfather you were talking about.\u00a0 They enjoy doing stuff.\u00a0 It's a light-hearted relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes, he takes them to Chuck E. Cheese<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, to the beach, whatever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's a courtship.\u00a0 He's courting the kids, as well as the mom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Right.\u00a0 There are two shifts that take place.\u00a0\u00a0 The child, after remarriage, now says, \"Okay, wait a minute. This guy, I guess, is now my dad,\u201d or, \u201cHe's my stepdad or something.\"\u00a0\u00a0 They almost feel some obligation to have a relationship with him; but, at the same time\u2014in the back of his mind\u2014his biological dad is in another home, saying, \"Now, don't enjoy him too much.\" This 11-year-old is getting the idea that, \u201cI can't be loyal to my stepdad because it would be disloyal to my biological dad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other shift is this stepfather who, before marriage, just kind of enjoyed being with the kid.\u00a0 You know, it was just a fun thing to do.\u00a0 But now that he's married, and he's actually living in the home, he feels a greater need of responsibility.\u00a0 He feels like, again, he's got to step in there and do something, as a parent.\u00a0 He tries to turn on the parenting authority that he hasn't earned yet.\u00a0 Those two things collide and meet head- on and, all of a sudden, there's a problem in their relationship that never showed itself before marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, yesterday, on the broadcast, Bob confessed here to our national radio audience that he and Mary Ann didn't have an ideal marriage.\u00a0 (Laughter) We kind of chuckled about that because we all identify.\u00a0 No one has an ideal marriage.\u00a0 Yet, I look at this unrealistic expectation\u2014and I'm not in a stepfamily\u2014but this unrealistic expectation reads, \"We will all love one another.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we think, \u201cThat's going to happen in marriage.\u201d\u00a0 We think, \u201cThat's going to happen in my family, whether you're a stepfamily or not.\u201d\u00a0 Yet, I can understand how someone, coming out of either the death of a spouse or a divorce, and hoping to re-cement a family, of sorts, back together again would think, \u201cYou know, we can achieve this thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYet, let me just read a passage and think about a stepfamily\u2014or, for that matter, think about your family\u2014as Paul exhorts us about what real, mature love looks like.\u00a0 This is birthed by the Spirit of God in the heart of a man, over time, where maturity takes place between people.\u00a0 Romans, Chapter 12, verse 9, \"Let love be without hypocrisy.\u00a0 Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.\u00a0 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.\"\u00a0 I can see how that would be needed in a stepfamily.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Big time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0And people can live for that standard.\u00a0 They can pursue that.\u00a0 But we're talking about\u2014when we say, \u201cWe all love one another,\u201d is the deep emotional bonds of fondness, and feeling comfortable hugging you, and deep affections\u2014that's the level which only comes with time.\u00a0 We only earn that kind of love in a family relationship; but if we try to force it, it works against us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0What about the expectation, Ron\u2014that, \u201cThis time is going to be different for us\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, again, it's kind of like, \"I've learned some lessons from my past relationships, and we don't want to make those same mistakes again.\"\u00a0 We go into this remarriage, assuming that we'll do it better this time around\u2014except, that to compare this new family to a biological family is misguided from the get-go.\u00a0 The premise that we're trying to say here is that, \u201cStepfamilies are different.\u201d\u00a0 To constantly compare a stepfamily to a biological family\u2014you're going to end up feeling like a failure, in the end, as it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing about that is, \u201cThis is a new marriage.\u00a0 It's a new relationship.\u201d\u00a0 Yes, you may have learned some lessons.\u00a0 Yes, you may be a new person, a different person, and you may have learned some things; but you've still got to learn how to do life with <em>this<\/em> person.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like you just take out one person, and plug in another one, and now, \u201cThis time, things are going to be better.\u201d\u00a0 We just have to build a new family, and have new relationships, and let those relationships stand on their own instead of comparing them to former families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 A part of the challenge there is, that as we look back on the first relationship, we think, \u201cOne of the big problems was that other person. Now, that the other person\u2019s not here, we won\u2019t have that liability\u2014that baggage.\u201d\u00a0 The problem is that the other half of the equation is still there.\u00a0 You bring your own problems in <em>and<\/em> you\u2019ve got a new set of problems that you just married yourself to; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s accepting that this is a different family.\u00a0 This is a new relationship.\u00a0 We don\u2019t have to live in comparison to the past.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There's another expectation.\u00a0 Ron, you list on your chart that our children will feel as happy about the remarriage as we do.\u00a0 This is really interesting because it doesn't always happen with little children.\u00a0 We're talking adult children who make observations about Mom or Dad\u2014who, maybe through the loss of a spouse due to death or divorce, find themselves in a remarriage situation.\u00a0 The adult children\u2014I know of one situation I'm thinking of now.\u00a0 <em>All<\/em> the children were against the remarriage, and the mom went ahead and did it anyway.\u00a0 That marriage was born out of the turmoil of the entire extended family really being against that marriage.\u00a0 That expectation was dashed from the beginning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0 Parents need to understand this, \u201cMarriage, for them, is a gain.\u00a0 It is another loss for their children.\u201d\u00a0 For the adults, \u201cThis is somebody who makes me feel good.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to have a partner to share life with now.\u201d\u00a0 You want your kids to be okay with this; but for the children, it\u2019s another loss.\u00a0 What they want is for Mom and Dad to be back together again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKids want their parents reconciled.\u00a0 When Mom gets married to another guy\u2014that is a loss for them.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t ask for the divorce.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t ask for Mom and Dad to not like each other.\u00a0 They certainly didn\u2019t ask for another person to step in the way of Mom and Dad reconciling.\u00a0 It is a loss for them.\u00a0 Adults need to understand that because, if they don\u2019t, then they get into this situation where they\u2019re forcing relationships upon the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Can two adults, Ron, recognize these expectations before they even form a stepfamily?\u00a0 Can they be proactive to deal with these, or do they kind of have to wait for it to come up before they can really get into the midst of it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, I think it's tough for them to recognize it; but if they come to one of my seminars, or they read a good book, or find a good resource, then, all of a sudden, they stop, and they think, \"Well, maybe I am doing that.\"\u00a0 You know, fantasies are not things that we realize they're fantasies until they're not working out, unfortunately.\u00a0 So, trying to catch people on the frontend and saying, \"Take this really slowly because the children may not feel about this the way you do.\u00a0 You need to give them some space.\u00a0 You need to give them time.\u00a0 You need to be incredibly respectful to the losses and the pain that they have already experienced.\u00a0 Otherwise, you're going to shove more pain on them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, it hits me, as you've talked today on the broadcast, that certainly God is in everyday life, helping people redeem broken situations, whether by death or divorce.\u00a0 Remarriages take place, even remarriages that are against Scripture.\u00a0 In that situation, God, in His grace and mercy, redeems and resurrects individuals, marriages, and families.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI am also struck, after listening\u2014God designed that one man and one woman live for a lifetime together and create a marriage covenant so that a family flows from that.\u00a0 That won't be perfect.\u00a0 That won't be the ideal; but when that covenant is broken, and you go and establish another covenant and another family\u2014certainly, the opportunity for that to become all that God intended is even less than the first unit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think of our nation and the anguish that must be in the homes of America.\u00a0 I mean, I really wonder how much of this is being translated into young people as they grow up through elementary school, and their teenage years, and on into their adulthood lives.\u00a0 I mean, if you and I have difficulty sorting out our emotions about difficult issues of loss, and of guilt, and anger around a divorce, what must a child feel and think as they watch their mother and father divorce and then go form and forge separate, new entities?\u00a0 It's just not the ideal of what God designed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0And I think a lot of couples who are in a stepfamily\u2014one of the things they need to hear and be reminded of is that the challenges they\u2019re facing are not unique to them.\u00a0 There are other families who have faced challenges like this, as well.\u00a0 There are ways to apply biblical principles to help them navigate some of these challenging situations.\u00a0 In fact, Ron has written a book called, <em>The Smart Stepfamily,<\/em> that we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn addition to the book, there\u2019s a small group resource\u2014a DVD study\u2014on <em>The Smart <\/em>Stepfamily\u2014eight sessions that you can go through with other couples.\u00a0 I think, Ron, you would agree that to go through the material with other couples is probably the best way to do it.\u00a0 That way, your shared experience can be added to the material and help you get a better handle on how you can have the most effective stepfamily situation, given your circumstances.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon has also written a book called <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>.\u00a0 He has co-written <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>.\u00a0 There are other stepfamily resources that we have available at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Go to our website FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on all of the resources that are available.\u00a0 I should mention that Ron is now part of the FamilyLife team.\u00a0 The Smart Stepfamily ministry that he has been doing for many years now has become a part of what we\u2019re doing here at FamilyLife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to help couples, in whatever circumstance\u2014whatever situation you\u2019re in\u2014regardless of how you ended up there.\u00a0 We want to help your marriage and your family be as strong, and as healthy, and as God-focused as it can be.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about these resources available, or call us toll-free at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329; 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGet more information on The Smart Stepfamily resources from Ron Deal when you get in touch with us.\u00a0 And let me say a special word of thanks to those listeners who, from time to time, get in touch with us to donate and to support <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Your donations make this ministry possible.\u00a0 When I say, \u201cthis ministry\u201d\u2014I mean, not just this daily radio program, but all that we\u2019re doing on our website and as we work to create resources and work in conjunction with Ron on stepfamily resources.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour donations are the fuel that make all of that possible.\u00a0 We appreciate your support of this ministry.\u00a0 In fact, this week, if you can make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d like to send you Dennis Rainey\u2019s brand-new book called <em>Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys:<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>7 Conversations You Must Have with Your Teenage Son.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Actually, you ought to have these conversations before he becomes a teenager.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn addition to the <em>Aggressive Girls <\/em>book, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis\u2019 book, <em>Interviewing Your Daughter\u2019s Date<\/em>, so that as your kids go through the teen years, you can help point them in the right direction and protect them, as well.\u00a0 Again, these two books are our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.\u201d<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>You can make a donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 When you go there, click the button that says, \u201cI Care\u201d.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMake an online donation and we\u2019ll send you these books, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone and ask for the books we were talking about on the radio.\u00a0 Our team will know what you\u2019re talking about, and we\u2019ll be happy to send those out to you.\u00a0 Again, thanks for your support of the ministry.\u00a0 We really do appreciate it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back again tomorrow.\u00a0 Ron Deal is going to be here again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to continue talking about challenges that stepfamilies face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2012 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302509","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302509"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302509"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302509"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302509"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302509"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302509"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302509"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}