{"id":302419,"date":"2011-12-08T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-12-08T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/selfishness-and-other-marital-problems\/"},"modified":"2011-12-08T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-12-08T17:00:00","slug":"selfishness-and-other-marital-problems","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/selfishness-and-other-marital-problems\/","title":{"rendered":"Selfishness and Other Marital Problems"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Would your spouse say you&#8217;re selfish?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-12-08.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.28M","filesize_raw":"26506820","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2901],"tags":[4284,4868,4698],"podcast_series":[7844],"cwp_profile":[8905],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302419","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-husbands","tag-father","tag-husband","tag-manhood","podcast_series-oops-i-forgot-my-wife-and-kids","cwp_profile-doyle-roth","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302419\/selfishness-and-other-marital-problems","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302419\/selfishness-and-other-marital-problems","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"OBJrCI3jTV\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/selfishness-and-other-marital-problems\/\">Selfishness and Other Marital Problems<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/selfishness-and-other-marital-problems\/embed\/#?secret=OBJrCI3jTV\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Selfishness and Other Marital Problems&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"OBJrCI3jTV\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-12-08.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-12-08.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Doyle Roth went through a number of challenges early in his marriage.\u00a0 Today, he and his wife meet with other couples and do marriage counseling.\u00a0 He says, \u201cA lot of couples want him to try to help them work out their problems, but they don\u2019t want to be worked on themselves.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 There\u2019re a lot of people who want to hear what God says.\u00a0 The problem is they don\u2019t want to really change.\u00a0 They want me, as a counselor, to \u201crearrange the furniture\u201d, so to speak, so they can exist with each other; but they don\u2019t want to confront, and submit, and obey, and repent.\u00a0 Well, that inconsistency just cannot be tolerated.\u00a0 I think it has to be confronted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, December 8th.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If you\u2019re going to try to help couples who are struggling in their marriage, one of the things they are going to have to realize is that they don\u2019t have problems; they are the problem.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 We are going to talk about how we can help those around us, who are challenged in their marriage.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to hear from our guest who has had some experience in that area.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBefore we dive into that, Dennis, we\u2019ve had some exciting news around FamilyLife that I know you wanted to make sure our listeners heard about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, Bob.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had a number of friends who have said to us, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 You guys are on to something.\u00a0 You not only nearly doubled your event attendance last year through outreaches like the <em>Art of Marriage<\/em>\u00ae, <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00ae, but you\u2019ve got strategies and tools that we want to see multiplied to help families all across the country.\u00a0 We want to keep this broadcast on the air in this city.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what they have done, Bob, they have put up a matching gift that will be matched dollar for dollar.\u00a0 Right now, there is $2.5 million in place for folks to be able to match all the way through the month of December.\u00a0 So that, when they give a dollar, they are turning it into two dollars.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to share this story of a listener who wrote in.\u00a0 This is a great story.\u00a0 It says: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>My wife and I really have not wanted to be donors to FamilyLife because we\u2019ve not wanted to be \u201cknown\u201d and be on a mailing list.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>They said:<em> However, we have gained so much from your radio broadcast.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>It has become the single most influential thing in our lives regarding the growth of our marriage and family.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>We\u2019re now in our early thirties; and several people have begun to wonder where the life wisdom regarding child training, dealing with marital issues, exhibiting spiritual fruit, and just general life experience comes from.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>They went on to say:<em> It\u2019s from you guys.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>You guys have mentored us and taught us on FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGet this, Bob.\u00a0 This is really fun.\u00a0 They write, \u201cWe feel so strongly about supporting your ministry that I gave up my money I was going to use to fulfill a lifelong dream of seeing the Packers at Lambeau Field this month.\u00a0 The Packers will be there next year, but the privilege of investing in the Kingdom is imminent.\u201d\u00a0 Now, that\u2019s a commitment!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what I\u2019d like to ask you, as a listener, to do.\u00a0 If this broadcast has encouraged you, if it\u2019s built into your life\u2014maybe your expectation as a single person of being married, maybe it\u2019s built into your marriage and your family, or as a grandparent you\u2019ve benefitted from <em>FamilyLife Today\u2014<\/em>would you give us a call or go online, and would you make as generous a donation as you can?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour giving ought to begin with your local church.\u00a0 We\u2019re not talking about taking anything away from that, but would you give a generous gift?\u00a0 I will tell you why.\u00a0 It is going to take all of our listeners, chipping in just a little, for us to take full advantage of this matching challenge.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You could make a donation by going online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You click on the button that says, \u201cI Care\u201d, and make your online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 Again, we appreciate your support of the ministry.\u00a0 I will give you the information again at the end of today\u2019s program about how you can make a donation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I have a question for you, as we get rolling here today.\u00a0 If you were over at our house, and I had to leave the room for some reason, and the computer was there, and it was pulled up and my e-mail was sitting there, would you be a little curious?\u00a0 Would you go over and just read\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Read your\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014some of my e-mail?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014read your e-mail?!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Would you be tempted?\u00a0 Would there be any temptation at all to kind of just see, \u201cI wonder what that\u2019s about?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I mean, you\u2019re asking me if I\u2019m human.\u00a0 Of course.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 Of course, I\u2019d be human.\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting there in your living room.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you knew I was going to be gone for awhile and you weren\u2019t going to get caught.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just go over there.\u00a0 You know?\u00a0 Well, yes, okay, temptation is temptation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The reason I ask\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Why are you asking?\u00a0 I\u2019m curious.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The reason I ask is because I really enjoyed\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve not looked at your phone recently; have I?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 Not that I\u2019m aware of.\u00a0 The reason is because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Have you been looking at mine?\u00a0 Is this a confession?\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk about it later; okay?\u00a0 We\u2019re talking about marriage, and conflict, and what goes on.\u00a0 Our guest on today\u2019s program has written a book for husbands and wives in a, I think, rather compelling and engaging way to put the whole book together; and it involves reading other people\u2019s mail.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to hear a story today about Mitch and Stacy.\u00a0 This is a couple\u2014who not totally fictional\u2014because our guest has already told us that there\u2019s a little of his life in here\u2014maybe his wife, at points.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s introduce our guest and his book, and get into it here.\u00a0 Doyle Roth joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 A Front Range guy\u2014a ranch owner on the Front Range, up near Denver.\u00a0 Glad to have you back on the broadcast, Doyle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Dennis, thanks for being here.\u00a0 Bob, enjoy you.\u00a0 Enjoy being with you, brothers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s written a book called <em>Oops! I Forgot My Wife<\/em>.\u00a0 It\u2019s got a picture of his ranch here.\u00a0 The sign above the gate\u2014the name of the ranch\u2014at least this one, is Lazy You.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 It has a guy\u2014looks like he\u2019s leaving the ranch.\u00a0 If he was dressed like this, he should leave the ranch, by the way.\u00a0\u00a0 He\u2019s wife is in the rearview mirror, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She does not look happy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014she does not look happy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, I have to tell you a story, Doyle, as you are kind of laughing here about this.\u00a0 I will never forget one time, early in our marriage\u2014I think we had three or four children\u2014and it was Saturday.\u00a0 I mean, when I was a boy growing up, Saturday was the day for going hunting and fishing.\u00a0 I was just exercising my male right to go fishing on this day.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Isn\u2019t it a male right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 At least it was until that day!\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 I remember Barbara was not real excited about my leaving her with three rug rats there in the house\u2014or four, I forget exactly, but\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She looked like this in your rearview mirror?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2014well, I wouldn\u2019t say it was quite the scowl\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014but when I saw the picture here on the front of the cover of your book, with the rearview mirror, I just remember looking out of my rearview mirror as I was pulling away with my boat in tow and my son next to me.\u00a0 We were going to go off and go fishing.\u00a0 I remember looking in the rearview mirror and going, \u201cIt\u2019s going to be chilly when I get home tonight.\u201d\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cA cold front has just moved through.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We were out in the boat, drowning worms.\u00a0 We might as well have been fishing in the Dead Sea because there was nothing biting.\u00a0 The boat was rocking, and God was rocking my boat at the same time.\u00a0 He kind of got my attention; and I said, \u201cSon, your dad has made a big mistake.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Going to pay for it later.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThis was not a good day to go fishing.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou are really trying to help men assume their right responsibility in loving their wives and that means caring for their needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have taken elements of your own story, plus the stories you\u2019ve heard from dozens of couples you\u2019ve talked to over the years, as you\u2019ve done marital counseling with couples.\u00a0 You\u2019ve created a fictional story about Mitch and Stacy; and basically, the way we get the story is by reading e-mails back and forth from Mitch to his friends and Stacy to her friends, and so on and so forth; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\u00a0 Mitch and Stacy are really the central couple.\u00a0 They are a representative couple of marriages that are in trouble.\u00a0 Seemed to look good on the surface; but then, all of a sudden, the break-downs start happening.\u00a0 They\u2019re sort of the illustration of what marriage looks like to a lot of families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know what they look like because you\u2019ve given the last 30 years of your life to marriage counseling and helping couples in crisis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\u00a0 Now, Mitch and Stacy have extreme problems; but I think every couple that reads the book can find themselves in Mitch and Stacy\u2019s shoes.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMitch is involved in business.\u00a0 He is pretty self-absorbed in his car.\u00a0 He likes doing his hunting and fishing\u2014no offense, Dennis.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 Stacy is at home, taking care of little ones; and Jerry and Sue, who are other participants in this story, come alongside to help.\u00a0 Then, there is Carter and Minnie.\u00a0 Carter is an old cowboy guy and his wife.\u00a0 They confront the situation through e-mails.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the story\u2014Mitch\u2014you describe him as a Jekyll and Hyde kind of guy.\u00a0 He\u2019s one way in public and a different way at home.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 Mitch is an example\u2014again, of that image manager that oftentimes is representative in men\u2014and certainly, in my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s a workaholic.\u00a0 He\u2019s not interested in the needs of the family.\u00a0 He\u2019s disconnected from the kids.\u00a0 He wants to be the center of attention when he\u2019s at home.\u00a0 He wants everything to revolve around him.\u00a0 He drifts toward abuse.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, you\u2019ve talked to couples, where some or all of these kinds of dynamics are at play.\u00a0 When you sit down with a couple, and this is what they describe, do you think to yourself, as somebody doing counseling, \u201cIt\u2019s going to take a long, hard path to get you from where you are to where you need to be\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 No, there\u2019s no question about it.\u00a0 There\u2019s a long, hard path; but there\u2019s a path of confrontation that needs to happen here.\u00a0 I\u2019m more of a confrontational-type counselor.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m shocked to hear that.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t spend a lot of time with the question, \u201cWhy?\u201d I spend a lot of time with the question, \u201cWhat?\u201d\u2014not, \u201cWhy are you here?\u201d but, \u201cWhat do we do now that you are here?\u201d because I think that\u2019s the way that God wants us to operate.\u00a0 He has a plan for us.\u00a0 He has discipleship principles, and the sins and behaviors that we are involved in need to be confronted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Stacy was a contributor to Mitch\u2019s behaviors.\u00a0 A lot of wives can be enablers in that situation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, very much so.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You said that was true in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 No, that is very true.\u00a0 Wives can sit back and allow their husbands to do things and to treat them in ways that are very unhealthy.\u00a0 A wife needs to be able to stand up and say, \u201cThis behavior is not acceptable.\u201d\u00a0 I think that fits with her role as being the helper of her husband.\u00a0 Really, it\u2019s the old saying that, \u201cBehind every successful man, there\u2019s generally a strong woman.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, many women just cave in.\u00a0 That\u2019s very unhealthy because the man just goes on, and on, and on with his self-expressions.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, the woman who is saying, \u201cWell, now, wait.\u00a0 I read where I\u2019m supposed to have a gentle and quiet spirit, and I\u2019m supposed to submit to my husband; and you\u2019re saying, \u2018Get in his face\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m saying, \u201cYou need to be his helper;\u201d and I\u2019m saying, \u201cYou should respect and reverence him\u201d; but the problem is, \u201cYou\u2019ll lose your respect and reverence if you don\u2019t do something about his sinful patterns.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, how would you counsel a wife to respect and reverence her husband\u2014and with a gentle and quiet spirit, and in submission\u2014confront him?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the same way that we already talked about.\u00a0 A wife should maybe take the situation to her church, or to a pastor, or to a neighbor, or to a friend.\u00a0 The process of exposing is helpful.\u00a0 She moves out of the enabler realm when she finally says, \u201cI\u2019ve had enough of this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She shouldn\u2019t be a nag?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No; absolutely not.\u00a0 Nagging doesn\u2019t help; that just escalates things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t need to shout, or raise her voice, or be a shrew about the whole thing?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, that\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When you\u2019re wife confronted you on some of your selfish behaviors early on, was it\u2014did she do it in a way that you look back and you say, \u201cThat was appropriate what she did\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Are you trying to get me in trouble, Bob?\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 If she listens to this, I\u2019ve got to be careful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a good point.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to be very political about how I answer this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just trying to see how far along the marriage has come.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If she was here, would she say, \u201cI did a good job of confronting my husband\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, she would say, \u201cShe did a good job of confronting her husband\u2014not always in the way that would be pleasing to the Lord.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not always in a way where it would end up being heard by the husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, help a wife who says, \u201cI need to confront\u201d\u2014or even a husband who\u2019s saying, \u201cI need to confront my wife.\u00a0 How do I do that in a way that\u2019s pleasing to the Lord?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ve recommended that they use, even, letters.\u00a0 I\u2019ve asked them to use tapes if they feel a little safer.\u00a0 Sometimes, a wife confronts her husband; but then, she\u2019s overrun with his words and his explanation, his self-justifying\u2014all of those things.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a lot of other ways she can do this.\u00a0 She can do it by just sitting down and saying, \u201cWe\u2019re going to have a quiet conversation.\u00a0 I want to have five minutes to just let you know what I\u2019m thinking,\u201d and she can open up the door.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think you raise a good point about sometimes it\u2019s effective to put your thoughts in writing, to kind of edit your thinking, rather than just letting it come out freeform.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve found with Mary Ann\u2014that if there is something that we need to talk about\u2014just say, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about this,\u201d but then, \u201cI\u2019m going to give you some time to process it.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 We don\u2019t have to drive it to a conclusion immediately because she needs some time to just think about what\u2019s being said, and not just have to react and get to where I\u2019m thinking, or respond to me right away.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right, Bob.\u00a0 When you look at Mitch, Mitch was a perfect salesman.\u00a0 The minute Stacy opens up her mouth to try to confront anything, he can sell her out of that real quickly by just over-talking her.\u00a0 So, there is a quieter, better way to do it; and sometimes, it is in writing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about another problem that Mitch had, that you cover in the book, as they passed these e-mails back and forth.\u00a0 It\u2019s the subject that is not uncommon to a lot of men today.\u00a0 That\u2019s the subject of pornography.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Explain what the problem was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Mitch in the process of their marital recovery, it was discovered by Stacy that Mitch had been visiting strip clubs and been involved with pornographic material.\u00a0 When he finally moved out of the house\u2014he did what we call a controlled separation.\u00a0 He moved out for two months to his friend, Stu\u2019s, house; and pornography was a very significant part of that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, Stacy, on the other hand, also had an affair afterwards, too.\u00a0 I\u2019m seeing more and more male pornography going on in our Christian families as well as unsaved families.\u00a0 That changes the whole dynamic of the relationship between a husband and a wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about men who are feeding themselves on pornography.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How does it change the relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it gives them very little, if any, interest in the wife physically\u2014doesn\u2019t compliment them on their attractiveness, doesn\u2019t want to spend time with them.\u00a0 They get their fixes in literally minutes over the internet, and it unplugs them from the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m just getting the sense that if I came to you for counseling, you\u2019d get pretty straight with me, pretty quick.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think that\u2019s my M.O.\u00a0 I just feel like, as a businessman, on top of it all, I don\u2019t want to waste my time; and that has a downside because I can be too abrupt.\u00a0 When people come to my office, I\u2019m there to help them understand what they ought to be doing about their situation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can mean, Bob, stopping what they are doing, setting up filters in their computer, doing whatever we need to do to get control of that, sending e-mails of websites on to friends.\u00a0 There\u2019s a lot of different ways you can manage this situation with pornography.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to get to the heart of the issue\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to get to the heart of the issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014because there are ways to get around the technological stuff.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you want to do that, you\u2019ve got to get to the lust issue that\u2019s in a guy\u2019s heart, or the fantasies that are in a woman\u2019s heart, if you\u2019re going to deal with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 It has to be\u2014again, it is godly sorrow\u2014right\u2014that brings repentance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 The Bible teaches us that.\u00a0 There\u2019s got to be a mindset of the man that, \u201cI really want to please the Lord in what I\u2019m doing in my marriage.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a huge difference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m just curious.\u00a0 We\u2019ve said that you\u2019ve talked with dozens of couples who come to your office and are looking for help in their marriage; and we\u2019ve also said that most of the time when people finally come to a marriage counselor, the marriage is in a difficult spot.\u00a0 Do you find yourself discouraged that, by the time a lot of these folks come that, they are either not listening, or they\u2019re so far gone, or the hurt is so deep that they just can\u2019t get turned around?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr do you see enough hope that when people are confronted with the Scriptures, God does the work and begins to change them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, Bob, I really feel that God has given me a unique place in the ministry.\u00a0 Because of my confrontational style, I see a lot of unsaved people who\u2014number one\u2014don\u2019t know what God teaches.\u00a0 So, we can give them a lot of hope because we hold the Bible in our hands.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs far as Christian families are concerned, they need the exhortation that, \u201cYou have to apply what\u2019s in the Book.\u00a0 There is no sense living this hypocritical marital lifestyle.\u00a0 This is unacceptable to God.\u201d\u00a0 So, from that standpoint, I can give them a great deal of hope, that if they\u2019ll just follow and obey the Scriptures, that makes a huge difference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not just listening to the Word; James says, \u201cBe doers of the Word, not just hearers only.\u201d\u00a0 Our churches today have a multitude of people that go to church, listen to the sermons, get in the car, and yell at their wives.\u00a0 Well, that inconsistency just cannot be tolerated.\u00a0 I think it has to be confronted.\u00a0 So, yes, I think there is great hope for the person who really wants to please the Lord by submitting to His Word.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How many\u2014I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve got a percentage in your head\u2014but if 100 people come to your office, how many of them want to listen to what the Word has to say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Maybe 60 percent, Bob\u2014might be a guess.\u00a0 I mean, there are a lot of people that want to hear what God says.\u00a0 The problem is they don\u2019t want to really change their behavior.\u00a0 They want me, as a counselor, to \u201crearrange the furniture\u201d, so to speak, so they can exist with each other; but they don\u2019t want to confront, and submit, and repent.\u00a0 That has to be the Spirit of God working in their heart, not just me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really, that is the hope for any marriage\u2014that the Spirit of God will break through\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014our crusty hearts.\u00a0 I was thinking about this same passage in James.\u00a0 I want to read the whole paragraph.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJames writes, he says, \u201cBut be doers of the Word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.\u00a0 For if anyone is a hearer of the Word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror; for once he looks at himself and goes away, at once forgets what he was like.\u00a0 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres\u2014being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts\u201d\u2014I really like that phrase: \u201c[Not a] hearer who forgets but a doer who acts\u201d\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen to this bonus, the payoff here.\u00a0 It says, \u201cHe will be blessed in his doing.\u201d\u00a0 Early in my marriage, I realized that Barbara and I were both in love with the same man\u2014me\u2014and that God was in the process of weaning me away, teaching me, really, how to become a disciple and a follower of Jesus Christ and to deny myself.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrankly, my wife and my children have taught me more about being a true follower of Christ and what it looks like to deny myself and follow Him than any other human relationships on the planet.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to go out on a limb here and say, \u201cI think that\u2019s the way it ought to be.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think our wives are our neighbor.\u00a0 Jesus said, \u201cHow do you summarize the Old Testament and the prophets?\u201d\u2014\u201cLove God with all your heart, and your neighbor as yourself.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you want to have a great marriage, you have to learn the art of practicing self-denial, and self-sacrifice, and giving up your life for another.\u00a0 Doyle, I\u2019m glad you did that early on in your marriage.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad you have written this book, <em>Oops! I Forgot My Wife;<\/em> and I want to see a picture of your wife because I don\u2019t think that\u2019s really a good picture\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The one on the cover.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014on the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That is not.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the mirror, leaving the ranch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that doesn\u2019t look like Doyle riding in the pick-up truck, either.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 On a bad day, it does, Bob.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, folks who want to see what we\u2019re talking about\u2014they can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and see a copy of the cover of your book.\u00a0 Of course, we\u2019ve got the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 Go online FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We\u2019ve also got your book, <em>Oops! We Forgot the Kids<\/em>, and the cover of that book is available online as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can also request a copy of the book when you get in touch with us by phone at 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I know at your house, this is probably a busy season of the year.\u00a0 It is busy at our house; and it is busy here at FamilyLife, as well.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got a lot going on, including some friends of the ministry who came to us, not long ago, and made a very generous offer.\u00a0 They said, \u201cWe know that the end of the year is critical for ministries like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 We know that you are going to be encouraging your listeners to make a year-end contribution, and we would like to add our encouragement as well.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, together, they offered to match every donation that we receive during the month of December on a dollar for dollar basis, up to a total $2.5 million.\u00a0 That was exciting news for us, obviously.\u00a0 We told them we would spread the word.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSince then, we\u2019ve had other folks who have come along and said, \u201cNow, wait.\u00a0 We may want to add some money to that matching-gift challenge as well.\u201d\u00a0 They are still considering that.\u00a0 So, that number could even grow; but, honestly, for us to take full advantage of these matching funds, we need as many of our listeners as possible to make a year-end contribution\u2014and as generous a contribution as you can possibly make.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re asking you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com, click the button that says, \u201cI Care\u201d, and make a contribution to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> here during the month of December.\u00a0 When you do, whatever that amount is, it is going to be matched dollar for dollar, up to a total of what is now, $2.5 million; and it could be even more than that in the days ahead.\u00a0 Let me just say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance for whatever you\u2019re able to do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf it is easier for you to contact us by phone, you can do that by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 That is:\u00a0 1-800-358-6329; or again, donate at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We just want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d again for whatever you\u2019re able to do.\u00a0 We appreciate hearing from you, and we appreciate your financial support.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to have Doyle Roth join us again to talk about what happens when a dad forgets his kids.\u00a0 You know, just kind of tunes out from their world altogether.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can tune in for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.28M"],"filesize_raw":["26506820"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302419.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302419.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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your spouse say you're selfish?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-12-08.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Doyle Roth went through a number of challenges early in his marriage.\u00a0 Today, he and his wife meet with other couples and do marriage counseling.\u00a0 He says, \u201cA lot of couples want him to try to help them work out their problems, but they don\u2019t want to be worked on themselves.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 There\u2019re a lot of people who want to hear what God says.\u00a0 The problem is they don\u2019t want to really change.\u00a0 They want me, as a counselor, to \u201crearrange the furniture\u201d, so to speak, so they can exist with each other; but they don\u2019t want to confront, and submit, and obey, and repent.\u00a0 Well, that inconsistency just cannot be tolerated.\u00a0 I think it has to be confronted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, December 8th.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If you\u2019re going to try to help couples who are struggling in their marriage, one of the things they are going to have to realize is that they don\u2019t have problems; they are the problem.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 We are going to talk about how we can help those around us, who are challenged in their marriage.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to hear from our guest who has had some experience in that area.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBefore we dive into that, Dennis, we\u2019ve had some exciting news around FamilyLife that I know you wanted to make sure our listeners heard about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, Bob.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had a number of friends who have said to us, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 You guys are on to something.\u00a0 You not only nearly doubled your event attendance last year through outreaches like the <em>Art of Marriage<\/em>\u00ae, <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00ae, but you\u2019ve got strategies and tools that we want to see multiplied to help families all across the country.\u00a0 We want to keep this broadcast on the air in this city.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what they have done, Bob, they have put up a matching gift that will be matched dollar for dollar.\u00a0 Right now, there is $2.5 million in place for folks to be able to match all the way through the month of December.\u00a0 So that, when they give a dollar, they are turning it into two dollars.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to share this story of a listener who wrote in.\u00a0 This is a great story.\u00a0 It says: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>My wife and I really have not wanted to be donors to FamilyLife because we\u2019ve not wanted to be \u201cknown\u201d and be on a mailing list.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>They said:<em> However, we have gained so much from your radio broadcast.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>It has become the single most influential thing in our lives regarding the growth of our marriage and family.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>We\u2019re now in our early thirties; and several people have begun to wonder where the life wisdom regarding child training, dealing with marital issues, exhibiting spiritual fruit, and just general life experience comes from.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>They went on to say:<em> It\u2019s from you guys.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>You guys have mentored us and taught us on FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGet this, Bob.\u00a0 This is really fun.\u00a0 They write, \u201cWe feel so strongly about supporting your ministry that I gave up my money I was going to use to fulfill a lifelong dream of seeing the Packers at Lambeau Field this month.\u00a0 The Packers will be there next year, but the privilege of investing in the Kingdom is imminent.\u201d\u00a0 Now, that\u2019s a commitment!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what I\u2019d like to ask you, as a listener, to do.\u00a0 If this broadcast has encouraged you, if it\u2019s built into your life\u2014maybe your expectation as a single person of being married, maybe it\u2019s built into your marriage and your family, or as a grandparent you\u2019ve benefitted from <em>FamilyLife Today\u2014<\/em>would you give us a call or go online, and would you make as generous a donation as you can?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour giving ought to begin with your local church.\u00a0 We\u2019re not talking about taking anything away from that, but would you give a generous gift?\u00a0 I will tell you why.\u00a0 It is going to take all of our listeners, chipping in just a little, for us to take full advantage of this matching challenge.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You could make a donation by going online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You click on the button that says, \u201cI Care\u201d, and make your online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 Again, we appreciate your support of the ministry.\u00a0 I will give you the information again at the end of today\u2019s program about how you can make a donation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I have a question for you, as we get rolling here today.\u00a0 If you were over at our house, and I had to leave the room for some reason, and the computer was there, and it was pulled up and my e-mail was sitting there, would you be a little curious?\u00a0 Would you go over and just read\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Read your\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014some of my e-mail?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014read your e-mail?!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Would you be tempted?\u00a0 Would there be any temptation at all to kind of just see, \u201cI wonder what that\u2019s about?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I mean, you\u2019re asking me if I\u2019m human.\u00a0 Of course.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 Of course, I\u2019d be human.\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting there in your living room.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you knew I was going to be gone for awhile and you weren\u2019t going to get caught.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just go over there.\u00a0 You know?\u00a0 Well, yes, okay, temptation is temptation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The reason I ask\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Why are you asking?\u00a0 I\u2019m curious.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The reason I ask is because I really enjoyed\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve not looked at your phone recently; have I?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 Not that I\u2019m aware of.\u00a0 The reason is because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Have you been looking at mine?\u00a0 Is this a confession?\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk about it later; okay?\u00a0 We\u2019re talking about marriage, and conflict, and what goes on.\u00a0 Our guest on today\u2019s program has written a book for husbands and wives in a, I think, rather compelling and engaging way to put the whole book together; and it involves reading other people\u2019s mail.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to hear a story today about Mitch and Stacy.\u00a0 This is a couple\u2014who not totally fictional\u2014because our guest has already told us that there\u2019s a little of his life in here\u2014maybe his wife, at points.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s introduce our guest and his book, and get into it here.\u00a0 Doyle Roth joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 A Front Range guy\u2014a ranch owner on the Front Range, up near Denver.\u00a0 Glad to have you back on the broadcast, Doyle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Dennis, thanks for being here.\u00a0 Bob, enjoy you.\u00a0 Enjoy being with you, brothers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s written a book called <em>Oops! I Forgot My Wife<\/em>.\u00a0 It\u2019s got a picture of his ranch here.\u00a0 The sign above the gate\u2014the name of the ranch\u2014at least this one, is Lazy You.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 It has a guy\u2014looks like he\u2019s leaving the ranch.\u00a0 If he was dressed like this, he should leave the ranch, by the way.\u00a0\u00a0 He\u2019s wife is in the rearview mirror, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She does not look happy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014she does not look happy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, I have to tell you a story, Doyle, as you are kind of laughing here about this.\u00a0 I will never forget one time, early in our marriage\u2014I think we had three or four children\u2014and it was Saturday.\u00a0 I mean, when I was a boy growing up, Saturday was the day for going hunting and fishing.\u00a0 I was just exercising my male right to go fishing on this day.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Isn\u2019t it a male right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 At least it was until that day!\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 I remember Barbara was not real excited about my leaving her with three rug rats there in the house\u2014or four, I forget exactly, but\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She looked like this in your rearview mirror?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2014well, I wouldn\u2019t say it was quite the scowl\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014but when I saw the picture here on the front of the cover of your book, with the rearview mirror, I just remember looking out of my rearview mirror as I was pulling away with my boat in tow and my son next to me.\u00a0 We were going to go off and go fishing.\u00a0 I remember looking in the rearview mirror and going, \u201cIt\u2019s going to be chilly when I get home tonight.\u201d\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cA cold front has just moved through.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We were out in the boat, drowning worms.\u00a0 We might as well have been fishing in the Dead Sea because there was nothing biting.\u00a0 The boat was rocking, and God was rocking my boat at the same time.\u00a0 He kind of got my attention; and I said, \u201cSon, your dad has made a big mistake.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Going to pay for it later.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThis was not a good day to go fishing.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou are really trying to help men assume their right responsibility in loving their wives and that means caring for their needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have taken elements of your own story, plus the stories you\u2019ve heard from dozens of couples you\u2019ve talked to over the years, as you\u2019ve done marital counseling with couples.\u00a0 You\u2019ve created a fictional story about Mitch and Stacy; and basically, the way we get the story is by reading e-mails back and forth from Mitch to his friends and Stacy to her friends, and so on and so forth; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\u00a0 Mitch and Stacy are really the central couple.\u00a0 They are a representative couple of marriages that are in trouble.\u00a0 Seemed to look good on the surface; but then, all of a sudden, the break-downs start happening.\u00a0 They\u2019re sort of the illustration of what marriage looks like to a lot of families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know what they look like because you\u2019ve given the last 30 years of your life to marriage counseling and helping couples in crisis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\u00a0 Now, Mitch and Stacy have extreme problems; but I think every couple that reads the book can find themselves in Mitch and Stacy\u2019s shoes.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMitch is involved in business.\u00a0 He is pretty self-absorbed in his car.\u00a0 He likes doing his hunting and fishing\u2014no offense, Dennis.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 Stacy is at home, taking care of little ones; and Jerry and Sue, who are other participants in this story, come alongside to help.\u00a0 Then, there is Carter and Minnie.\u00a0 Carter is an old cowboy guy and his wife.\u00a0 They confront the situation through e-mails.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the story\u2014Mitch\u2014you describe him as a Jekyll and Hyde kind of guy.\u00a0 He\u2019s one way in public and a different way at home.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 Mitch is an example\u2014again, of that image manager that oftentimes is representative in men\u2014and certainly, in my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s a workaholic.\u00a0 He\u2019s not interested in the needs of the family.\u00a0 He\u2019s disconnected from the kids.\u00a0 He wants to be the center of attention when he\u2019s at home.\u00a0 He wants everything to revolve around him.\u00a0 He drifts toward abuse.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, you\u2019ve talked to couples, where some or all of these kinds of dynamics are at play.\u00a0 When you sit down with a couple, and this is what they describe, do you think to yourself, as somebody doing counseling, \u201cIt\u2019s going to take a long, hard path to get you from where you are to where you need to be\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 No, there\u2019s no question about it.\u00a0 There\u2019s a long, hard path; but there\u2019s a path of confrontation that needs to happen here.\u00a0 I\u2019m more of a confrontational-type counselor.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m shocked to hear that.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t spend a lot of time with the question, \u201cWhy?\u201d I spend a lot of time with the question, \u201cWhat?\u201d\u2014not, \u201cWhy are you here?\u201d but, \u201cWhat do we do now that you are here?\u201d because I think that\u2019s the way that God wants us to operate.\u00a0 He has a plan for us.\u00a0 He has discipleship principles, and the sins and behaviors that we are involved in need to be confronted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Stacy was a contributor to Mitch\u2019s behaviors.\u00a0 A lot of wives can be enablers in that situation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, very much so.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You said that was true in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 No, that is very true.\u00a0 Wives can sit back and allow their husbands to do things and to treat them in ways that are very unhealthy.\u00a0 A wife needs to be able to stand up and say, \u201cThis behavior is not acceptable.\u201d\u00a0 I think that fits with her role as being the helper of her husband.\u00a0 Really, it\u2019s the old saying that, \u201cBehind every successful man, there\u2019s generally a strong woman.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, many women just cave in.\u00a0 That\u2019s very unhealthy because the man just goes on, and on, and on with his self-expressions.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, the woman who is saying, \u201cWell, now, wait.\u00a0 I read where I\u2019m supposed to have a gentle and quiet spirit, and I\u2019m supposed to submit to my husband; and you\u2019re saying, \u2018Get in his face\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m saying, \u201cYou need to be his helper;\u201d and I\u2019m saying, \u201cYou should respect and reverence him\u201d; but the problem is, \u201cYou\u2019ll lose your respect and reverence if you don\u2019t do something about his sinful patterns.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, how would you counsel a wife to respect and reverence her husband\u2014and with a gentle and quiet spirit, and in submission\u2014confront him?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the same way that we already talked about.\u00a0 A wife should maybe take the situation to her church, or to a pastor, or to a neighbor, or to a friend.\u00a0 The process of exposing is helpful.\u00a0 She moves out of the enabler realm when she finally says, \u201cI\u2019ve had enough of this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She shouldn\u2019t be a nag?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No; absolutely not.\u00a0 Nagging doesn\u2019t help; that just escalates things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t need to shout, or raise her voice, or be a shrew about the whole thing?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, that\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When you\u2019re wife confronted you on some of your selfish behaviors early on, was it\u2014did she do it in a way that you look back and you say, \u201cThat was appropriate what she did\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Are you trying to get me in trouble, Bob?\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 If she listens to this, I\u2019ve got to be careful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a good point.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve got to be very political about how I answer this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just trying to see how far along the marriage has come.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If she was here, would she say, \u201cI did a good job of confronting my husband\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, she would say, \u201cShe did a good job of confronting her husband\u2014not always in the way that would be pleasing to the Lord.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not always in a way where it would end up being heard by the husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, help a wife who says, \u201cI need to confront\u201d\u2014or even a husband who\u2019s saying, \u201cI need to confront my wife.\u00a0 How do I do that in a way that\u2019s pleasing to the Lord?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ve recommended that they use, even, letters.\u00a0 I\u2019ve asked them to use tapes if they feel a little safer.\u00a0 Sometimes, a wife confronts her husband; but then, she\u2019s overrun with his words and his explanation, his self-justifying\u2014all of those things.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a lot of other ways she can do this.\u00a0 She can do it by just sitting down and saying, \u201cWe\u2019re going to have a quiet conversation.\u00a0 I want to have five minutes to just let you know what I\u2019m thinking,\u201d and she can open up the door.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think you raise a good point about sometimes it\u2019s effective to put your thoughts in writing, to kind of edit your thinking, rather than just letting it come out freeform.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve found with Mary Ann\u2014that if there is something that we need to talk about\u2014just say, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about this,\u201d but then, \u201cI\u2019m going to give you some time to process it.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 We don\u2019t have to drive it to a conclusion immediately because she needs some time to just think about what\u2019s being said, and not just have to react and get to where I\u2019m thinking, or respond to me right away.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right, Bob.\u00a0 When you look at Mitch, Mitch was a perfect salesman.\u00a0 The minute Stacy opens up her mouth to try to confront anything, he can sell her out of that real quickly by just over-talking her.\u00a0 So, there is a quieter, better way to do it; and sometimes, it is in writing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about another problem that Mitch had, that you cover in the book, as they passed these e-mails back and forth.\u00a0 It\u2019s the subject that is not uncommon to a lot of men today.\u00a0 That\u2019s the subject of pornography.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Explain what the problem was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Mitch in the process of their marital recovery, it was discovered by Stacy that Mitch had been visiting strip clubs and been involved with pornographic material.\u00a0 When he finally moved out of the house\u2014he did what we call a controlled separation.\u00a0 He moved out for two months to his friend, Stu\u2019s, house; and pornography was a very significant part of that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, Stacy, on the other hand, also had an affair afterwards, too.\u00a0 I\u2019m seeing more and more male pornography going on in our Christian families as well as unsaved families.\u00a0 That changes the whole dynamic of the relationship between a husband and a wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about men who are feeding themselves on pornography.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How does it change the relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it gives them very little, if any, interest in the wife physically\u2014doesn\u2019t compliment them on their attractiveness, doesn\u2019t want to spend time with them.\u00a0 They get their fixes in literally minutes over the internet, and it unplugs them from the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m just getting the sense that if I came to you for counseling, you\u2019d get pretty straight with me, pretty quick.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think that\u2019s my M.O.\u00a0 I just feel like, as a businessman, on top of it all, I don\u2019t want to waste my time; and that has a downside because I can be too abrupt.\u00a0 When people come to my office, I\u2019m there to help them understand what they ought to be doing about their situation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can mean, Bob, stopping what they are doing, setting up filters in their computer, doing whatever we need to do to get control of that, sending e-mails of websites on to friends.\u00a0 There\u2019s a lot of different ways you can manage this situation with pornography.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to get to the heart of the issue\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to get to the heart of the issue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014because there are ways to get around the technological stuff.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you want to do that, you\u2019ve got to get to the lust issue that\u2019s in a guy\u2019s heart, or the fantasies that are in a woman\u2019s heart, if you\u2019re going to deal with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 It has to be\u2014again, it is godly sorrow\u2014right\u2014that brings repentance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 The Bible teaches us that.\u00a0 There\u2019s got to be a mindset of the man that, \u201cI really want to please the Lord in what I\u2019m doing in my marriage.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a huge difference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m just curious.\u00a0 We\u2019ve said that you\u2019ve talked with dozens of couples who come to your office and are looking for help in their marriage; and we\u2019ve also said that most of the time when people finally come to a marriage counselor, the marriage is in a difficult spot.\u00a0 Do you find yourself discouraged that, by the time a lot of these folks come that, they are either not listening, or they\u2019re so far gone, or the hurt is so deep that they just can\u2019t get turned around?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr do you see enough hope that when people are confronted with the Scriptures, God does the work and begins to change them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, Bob, I really feel that God has given me a unique place in the ministry.\u00a0 Because of my confrontational style, I see a lot of unsaved people who\u2014number one\u2014don\u2019t know what God teaches.\u00a0 So, we can give them a lot of hope because we hold the Bible in our hands.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs far as Christian families are concerned, they need the exhortation that, \u201cYou have to apply what\u2019s in the Book.\u00a0 There is no sense living this hypocritical marital lifestyle.\u00a0 This is unacceptable to God.\u201d\u00a0 So, from that standpoint, I can give them a great deal of hope, that if they\u2019ll just follow and obey the Scriptures, that makes a huge difference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not just listening to the Word; James says, \u201cBe doers of the Word, not just hearers only.\u201d\u00a0 Our churches today have a multitude of people that go to church, listen to the sermons, get in the car, and yell at their wives.\u00a0 Well, that inconsistency just cannot be tolerated.\u00a0 I think it has to be confronted.\u00a0 So, yes, I think there is great hope for the person who really wants to please the Lord by submitting to His Word.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How many\u2014I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve got a percentage in your head\u2014but if 100 people come to your office, how many of them want to listen to what the Word has to say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Maybe 60 percent, Bob\u2014might be a guess.\u00a0 I mean, there are a lot of people that want to hear what God says.\u00a0 The problem is they don\u2019t want to really change their behavior.\u00a0 They want me, as a counselor, to \u201crearrange the furniture\u201d, so to speak, so they can exist with each other; but they don\u2019t want to confront, and submit, and repent.\u00a0 That has to be the Spirit of God working in their heart, not just me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really, that is the hope for any marriage\u2014that the Spirit of God will break through\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014our crusty hearts.\u00a0 I was thinking about this same passage in James.\u00a0 I want to read the whole paragraph.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJames writes, he says, \u201cBut be doers of the Word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.\u00a0 For if anyone is a hearer of the Word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror; for once he looks at himself and goes away, at once forgets what he was like.\u00a0 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres\u2014being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts\u201d\u2014I really like that phrase: \u201c[Not a] hearer who forgets but a doer who acts\u201d\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen to this bonus, the payoff here.\u00a0 It says, \u201cHe will be blessed in his doing.\u201d\u00a0 Early in my marriage, I realized that Barbara and I were both in love with the same man\u2014me\u2014and that God was in the process of weaning me away, teaching me, really, how to become a disciple and a follower of Jesus Christ and to deny myself.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrankly, my wife and my children have taught me more about being a true follower of Christ and what it looks like to deny myself and follow Him than any other human relationships on the planet.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to go out on a limb here and say, \u201cI think that\u2019s the way it ought to be.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think our wives are our neighbor.\u00a0 Jesus said, \u201cHow do you summarize the Old Testament and the prophets?\u201d\u2014\u201cLove God with all your heart, and your neighbor as yourself.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you want to have a great marriage, you have to learn the art of practicing self-denial, and self-sacrifice, and giving up your life for another.\u00a0 Doyle, I\u2019m glad you did that early on in your marriage.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad you have written this book, <em>Oops! I Forgot My Wife;<\/em> and I want to see a picture of your wife because I don\u2019t think that\u2019s really a good picture\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The one on the cover.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014on the\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 That is not.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the mirror, leaving the ranch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that doesn\u2019t look like Doyle riding in the pick-up truck, either.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Doyle:<\/strong>\u00a0 On a bad day, it does, Bob.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, folks who want to see what we\u2019re talking about\u2014they can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and see a copy of the cover of your book.\u00a0 Of course, we\u2019ve got the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 Go online FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We\u2019ve also got your book, <em>Oops! We Forgot the Kids<\/em>, and the cover of that book is available online as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can also request a copy of the book when you get in touch with us by phone at 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I know at your house, this is probably a busy season of the year.\u00a0 It is busy at our house; and it is busy here at FamilyLife, as well.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got a lot going on, including some friends of the ministry who came to us, not long ago, and made a very generous offer.\u00a0 They said, \u201cWe know that the end of the year is critical for ministries like <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 We know that you are going to be encouraging your listeners to make a year-end contribution, and we would like to add our encouragement as well.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, together, they offered to match every donation that we receive during the month of December on a dollar for dollar basis, up to a total $2.5 million.\u00a0 That was exciting news for us, obviously.\u00a0 We told them we would spread the word.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSince then, we\u2019ve had other folks who have come along and said, \u201cNow, wait.\u00a0 We may want to add some money to that matching-gift challenge as well.\u201d\u00a0 They are still considering that.\u00a0 So, that number could even grow; but, honestly, for us to take full advantage of these matching funds, we need as many of our listeners as possible to make a year-end contribution\u2014and as generous a contribution as you can possibly make.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re asking you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com, click the button that says, \u201cI Care\u201d, and make a contribution to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> here during the month of December.\u00a0 When you do, whatever that amount is, it is going to be matched dollar for dollar, up to a total of what is now, $2.5 million; and it could be even more than that in the days ahead.\u00a0 Let me just say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance for whatever you\u2019re able to do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf it is easier for you to contact us by phone, you can do that by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 That is:\u00a0 1-800-358-6329; or again, donate at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We just want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d again for whatever you\u2019re able to do.\u00a0 We appreciate hearing from you, and we appreciate your financial support.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to have Doyle Roth join us again to talk about what happens when a dad forgets his kids.\u00a0 You know, just kind of tunes out from their world altogether.\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk about that tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can tune in for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302419","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302419"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302419"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302419"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302419"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302419"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302419"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302419"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}