{"id":302396,"date":"2011-11-07T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-11-07T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/keeping-the-secret\/"},"modified":"2011-11-07T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-11-07T17:00:00","slug":"keeping-the-secret","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keeping-the-secret\/","title":{"rendered":"Keeping the Secret"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Keeping a secret is difficult.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-11-07.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.66M","filesize_raw":"26906969","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2873],"tags":[4129,2989,2320,2991],"podcast_series":[7838],"cwp_profile":[9247],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302396","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-homosexuality","tag-pornography","tag-purity","tag-sex","podcast_series-shattered","cwp_profile-bill-harbeck","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302396\/keeping-the-secret","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302396\/keeping-the-secret","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"1dKGQvpFuz\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keeping-the-secret\/\">Keeping the Secret<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keeping-the-secret\/embed\/#?secret=1dKGQvpFuz\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Keeping the Secret&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"1dKGQvpFuz\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-11-07.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-11-07.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As a child, Bill Harbeck experienced something that no child ought to experience; but something that, in our culture today, is a growing reality for young girls and an increasing reality for young boys.\u00a0 Bill Harbeck was sexually abused as a child, and the abuse left scars.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 I entered into marriage at the age of 20, assuming that, now that the abuse was over, everything was going to be just fine.\u00a0 \u201cNow, I have intimacy the way God designed it and all of that is in the past.\u00a0 I can just forget about it\u2014and now man and wife.\u201d\u00a0 The first week of my marriage was a shocking awakening of how my behavior had been molded into what I was going to be as a husband sexually within a relationship that was completely dysfunctional.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, November 7<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll hear Bill Harbeck\u2019s story today about how, as a young boy, he experienced childhood sexual abuse.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 There are folks who have been called in life to walk down a path that is a difficult and a painful path.\u00a0 Sometimes we look at that, Dennis, and we say, \u201cThat just doesn\u2019t seem right or fair.\u201d\u00a0 And in a lot of ways, it\u2019s not right and fair.\u00a0 It\u2019s a manifestation of the evil age in which we live; and yet, we can\u2019t somehow draw the conclusion that God abandoned them on that path.\u00a0 But there can be a redemptive purpose that comes out of walking on a painful journey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about a subject today, Bob\u2014that might be appropriate for perhaps younger children\u2014who ought not to hear such discussions\u2014be given something else to do as we chat about this.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about a subject of sexual abuse.\u00a0 It\u2019s a pervasive issue in our nation and, frankly, in the world.\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStatistically, 39 million Americans, and this is a very old statistic here, are survivors of childhood abuse.\u00a0 It\u2019s estimated that the number could be three times that number.\u00a0 We have a guest with us who, frankly, has done a courageous work.\u00a0 He has written a book about his own experience.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBill Harbeck joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\u00a0I have to tell you, Bill, I really admire your courage in creating this book and sharing your story.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s going to bring hope and healing to a lot of people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, thank you.\u00a0 Thank you for having me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bill is the Director of Holding on to Hope Ministries, which is a ministry dedicated to helping people who have been sexually abused.\u00a0 For 32 years he was an educator.\u00a0 He\u2019s been a coach.\u00a0 He and his wife Jillian live in Arizona, and he has written a book called <em>Shattered: One Man\u2019s Journey from Sexual Abuse.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou say in the book, Bill, that you grew up in Cleaverville.\u00a0 Now is that Cleaverville, Arizona?\u00a0 Texas?\u00a0 What part of the country is Cleaverville?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually, it was just outside Chicago, but very similar to living with <em>Leave It to Beaver<\/em> and all the guys in the Cleaverville neighborhood.\u00a0 It was a wonderful place to grow up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You grew up in a Christian home.\u00a0 Your mom and dad were active in church and really took their faith seriously.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 They did.\u00a0 I began in church, literally ten days after I was born\u2014perfect attendance for 11 years in Sunday school\u2014had wonderful mentors in Lance Latham and Art Rorheim, the founders of AWANA.\u00a0 So yes, my parents were the pillars of our local church; and so I grew up in that tradition.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That foundation in your life was something that, as you look back on the path that you were asked to walk, that foundation helped preserve your emotional sanity later in life; didn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 Everything that I had learned in those Sunday school classes, and AWANA clubs, and church services was enough to help me when the moment of the most pain came and kept me stable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bill, you said your parents were pillars.\u00a0 When we speak of sexual abuse, one of the words that pops out is the word \u201cprotector.\u201d\u00a0 Were they your protectors as well?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Unfortunately, no.\u00a0 Mom and Dad didn\u2019t know about it.\u00a0 Had they known, I believe yes, they would have stepped in immediately and rectified everything; but my silence from them kept the opportunity from them to be the protectors they were without even knowing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Your silence was an issue, but were there telltale signs that they could have or should have noted looking back?\u00a0 I guess hindsight is 20\/20; but in your situation, your sexual abuse happened at the hands of an uncle who had a special relationship with his nephew.\u00a0 It appeared to everybody like this was just a good healthy relationship; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Very normal.\u00a0 We did a lot of things together.\u00a0 He took me places, gave me opportunities to do things that other 12-, 13-year-old boys didn\u2019t get.\u00a0 Mom wouldn\u2019t think anything of it.\u00a0 We were a family that always housed members when they came to town; so they stayed with us.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNothing was out of the ordinary, until the abuse began to happen when I was 13, 14, and I had some physical issues, and I had some anger issues, and I had some rage things that started to come out.\u00a0 My parents thought, \u201cWell, he\u2019s just a teenager, and he\u2019s just going through puberty, and he\u2019s going through changes, and he\u2019s an athlete so he gets mad.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLooking back, all those were signs and symptoms of what I was dealing with.\u00a0 Mom struggled.\u00a0 My mom is my great champion now to help in moving us forward, but it\u2019s taken her a long time to understand that, \u201cNo, it wasn\u2019t her fault,\u201d and, \u201cShe didn\u2019t fail because she wasn\u2019t there for me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 As I read your story, one of the things your uncle did was he took you to kind of high-adrenaline, high-entertainment value experiences that a 13-, 14-year-old boy would love.\u00a0 So you loved going there; but in the process, he had another agenda.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, he was a groomer\u2014what we term in this sexual arena\u2014a groomer is someone who will develop trust in a target that they have over time\u2014could be a week, could be four or five years\u2014before any actual abuse takes place.\u00a0 In my case, it was about a year-and-a-half, two years, where I was driving cars\u2014muscle cars of the late 60s and all kinds of activities that you don\u2019t get to do when you\u2019re 13.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So there was 12 to 18 months where what was being implanted in your mind is, \u201cMy uncle is a guy who gives me opportunities to have fun and excitement that other kids don\u2019t get<em>.<\/em>\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tell us about him.\u00a0 He was in the military; is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, correct.\u00a0 He was an enlisted man in the military, Air Force.\u00a0 His responsibility was to maintain a lot of the things at the base.\u00a0 He gave me the opportunity to go on base one time and fly a jet simulator.\u00a0 I was 14.\u00a0 No civilians were allowed to do that.\u00a0 It was great fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 He was unmarried?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Had never been married?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And he came and stayed at your house.\u00a0 Like you said, your family just welcomed the relatives in.\u00a0 In your case, your mom said, \u201cYou\u2019ve got a double bed.\u00a0 He\u2019ll sleep with you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, and we didn\u2019t think anything of it.\u00a0 Very small house\u2014three bedrooms.\u00a0 My sister wasn\u2019t going to stay with my uncle, and it was just the two of us.\u00a0 So it didn\u2019t even dawn on her that that would be something inappropriate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And did it happen a number of times with nothing inappropriate going on?\u00a0 Did your uncle sleep next to you and nothing happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 It went on for a year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And then in 1968 he shows up in a brand-new yellow Ford Mustang\u2014comes to your house and things change.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Things changed that weekend\u2014inappropriate touch that was shared with me\u2014that, \u201cThis is the way family members can show affection.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is this what groomers do to boys and girls?\u00a0 They find a way to control their thinking?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s all about control.\u00a0 It\u2019s really not about sex; it\u2019s about control.\u00a0 It\u2019s about them being able to manage that (usually) youngster because they\u2019re in a position of learning trust.\u00a0 They\u2019ve trusted their parents; they\u2019ve trusted someone else all their life.\u00a0 Here\u2019s this authority person now in their life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, when they do, you\u2019ve begun the conflicting emotions that go on between what\u2019s right and what\u2019s wrong; but, \u201cThis was the person I trust.\u00a0 So if I say something, there\u2019s no way my parents are going to believe me.\u00a0 They\u2019re going to believe him because he\u2019s the adult; he\u2019s the authority; he\u2019s the older figure. So I\u2019ll just keep this to myself.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How often were you seeing your uncle?\u00a0 Was it once a month, couple times a month that he\u2019d come up and the two of you would get together and go do something exciting?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was more of a seasonal thing.\u00a0 Once the spring hit in Illinois, when it starts to warm up, then it would become once or twice a month through the summer\u2014so from April to September.\u00a0 Then the frequency came when he invited me to come down and spend time with him.\u00a0 So I would go down to his place, sometimes for weekends.\u00a0 The intensity and frequency picked up even more in those times because now I was outside the reach of my family and parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe final one came when we went on a trip to Hawaii together\u2014which I dreaded the idea of going\u2014but how do you turn that down?\u00a0 When he approached my parents, he said, \u201cI want to show him Pearl Harbor; and we can spend the whole week together, and I\u2019ll pay for the whole thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m listening to this story, and I read about it as well, and I have the same emotion as I\u2019m reflecting on it.\u00a0 I\u2019m just saying, \u201cThis is evil.\u00a0 It just feels like from the pit of hell, frankly.\u201d\u00a0 Both Bob and I are good friends with Dr. Dan Allender.\u00a0 He says that sexual abuse is the hardest stone the Devil of Hell throws at a boy or a girl growing up.\u00a0 You understand that statement; don\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do.\u00a0 I sit here, even as you\u2019re saying it, and it begins to trigger some of those old emotions of the pain, of the sheer terror some days of knowing what I was going into, and not being able to do anything about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There\u2019s a term that counselors use that you\u2019ve learned over the years, and it is part of what you did as a coping mechanism.\u00a0 It\u2019s the term dissociate, where you in those moments\u2014it\u2019s almost like traveling outside your body, and something\u2019s happening, and you\u2019re detached from what\u2019s happening to you; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 It happened clearly on the Hawaii trip.\u00a0 In fact, the last time I remember the abuse was one of those moments.\u00a0 I had grown to the point of understanding that I could do that.\u00a0 I could separate my mind and my experience from the moment as if it was not really happening.\u00a0 That probably is what drove him away from me because I was no longer even in the process of engagement whatsoever.\u00a0 I was there, but I wasn\u2019t there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is going to sound like maybe it\u2019s the wrong thing to ask, but you were looking forward at some level to going to Hawaii and seeing Pearl Harbor.\u00a0 Was there any part of you that looked forward to the abuse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not the abuse in particular; but let\u2019s face it, this was a sexual issue and there\u2019s pleasure involved.\u00a0 And the great ambivalence is that the pleasure is designed by God.\u00a0 He gave me that as a gift; and so yes, looking back, there\u2019s a part of that that says, \u201cThis is going to be great;\u201d\u2014but there\u2019s that other part, that ambivalent part of, \u201cThis is also evil,\u201d\u2014and they\u2019re both going on at the same time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And wiring into your psyche\u2014this sense that something is evil and pleasurable, and distorting your picture of human sexuality as a teenager.\u00a0 What that carries over, then, as a young adult, as a married man\u2014it really does set a pattern that you can understand where someone\u2019s life becomes shaped around this mixed message about their sexuality.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Totally.\u00a0 I entered into marriage at the age of 20, assuming that, now that the abuse was over, everything was going to be just fine.\u00a0 Now I have intimacy the way God designed it; and all of that\u2019s in the past, and I can just forget about it\u2014now, man and wife.\u00a0 The first week of my marriage was a shocking awakening of how my behavior had been molded into what I was going to be as a husband sexually within a relationship that was completely dysfunctional.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were aware of that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think, within the first week or two, I realized that I was going to be an aggressor.\u00a0 I was going to be hurtful, but I was also going to be detached.\u00a0 This was going to be about me and not about my wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk more this week about the rest of your story and how it impacted your marriage, and the healing that ultimately came to you.\u00a0 But I want you to speak to that listener today who is hearing you talk about this and, perhaps, they\u2019ve never said anything to anyone.\u00a0 They\u2019ve hidden it like you hid it for a number of years and, like you did, well into your marriage.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat could you say to that person today to offer hope and healing, or at least the beginning of the process of that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 We say over and over, \u201cYou\u2019re not alone.\u201d\u00a0 Most of\u2014at least I always felt that I was the only person this ever happened to, and no one would understand, and no one would be able to sympathize or feel for what I went through.\u00a0 It\u2019s the opposite.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe whole key is saying something for the first time and letting it out.\u00a0 It has to be within a context, I think, of a person that you know you are safe with.\u00a0 For me, it was my wife.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t have shared it with anyone else; but having it out that first time was as if the entire world had been lifted off my shoulders, finally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The challenging thing about that, though, is that involves trust.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s all about trust.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And trust has been betrayed over a seven-year period in your life with this man.\u00a0 I can see how there would be two major streams, like currents of a river, going in opposite directions.\u00a0 It takes a lot of courage to admit this and talk about this, even with a person you consider to be safe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you try to send up flares when you were a teenager?\u00a0 Were there times when\u2014you said with your mom\u2014you said, \u201cI don\u2019t want to go;\u201d but did you ever come close with a family member or a friend saying, \u201cI\u2019m just going to get this whole thing out in the open?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Once with my father.\u00a0 I can picture it; it was on the way to school.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWhat is wrong with you?\u00a0 Why these attitudes?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 You\u2019ve never been like this before.\u201d\u00a0 And I said, \u201cDad, if you only knew.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cKnew what?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, some things you just don\u2019t know.\u201d\u00a0 I came so close to wanting to say, \u201cThis is why.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLater, in my marriage, one of the standing jokes between my wife and me is she would say, \u201cI know everything there is to know about you.\u201d\u00a0 And I say, \u201cYou never know everything.\u201d\u00a0 So many times, at the end of that statement, I just wanted to say, \u201cThis happened to me when I was a kid.\u00a0 You don\u2019t know, and this is something I\u2019ve kept a secret.\u201d\u00a0 It had to be hundreds of times I just wished I could have said it; and finally; it happened one day in an Olive Garden restaurant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was it just the intense sense of shame?\u00a0 Was it just, \u201cI can\u2019t tell this because it\u2019s such a shameful experience\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s it.\u00a0 Your shame has a way of convincing you of the lies that, \u201cYou\u2019re dirty; you\u2019re disgusting; you\u2019re bad; it was your fault; you asked for this.\u201d\u00a0 All of those lies build up, build up, build up, and you just can\u2019t get to that moment of saying, \u201cWow, this happened to me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the ways we can counter lies is with the truth; and the truth is that God hears our prayers, and He knows what\u2019s going on in our lives, everything.\u00a0 I\u2019m just wondering right now, Bill, if you would pray for that person who is locked up in this hidden tragedy of evil.\u00a0 Would you pray for that person right now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019d be honored.\u00a0 \u201c<em>Father, I just pause for the moment.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>There are hundreds, millions of men out there who right now want so desperately to speak out and say something.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>Lord, speak to their heart through your Spirit.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>They are Your creation\u2014designed\u2014t here\u2019s only one\u2014we\u2019re not in competition with each other.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>You love each of us because You designed us to be in relationship with You.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>That\u2019s what we so deeply want; and abuse cuts that off, gets in the way, and keeps us from wanting to reach out to You.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u201cSo for that man, woman, child, whatever age, whatever experience, whenever it happened, if they\u2019ve never spoken up, Lord, Spirit, give them the courage in this moment to find that person they can reach out to and say, \u2018Hey, this happened to me.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>Could you pray with me and just help me walk through this?\u2019<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u201cLord, I know You do it.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>I\u2019ve seen it happen so many times and the joy that comes is worth the pain for the moment.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>I pray that would happen right now to so many who are listening, Lord.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>Amen.\u201d<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, as you were praying, I kept thinking a prayer like that\u2014a person who has been trapped\u2014God is the ultimate One who is safe.\u00a0 It\u2019s the Enemy who is trying to rob you of intimacy with your God and an authentic relationship with Him.\u00a0 It could be, the first step you take is talk to God about what happened; and ask Him for the courage to tell one person very, very soon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As you\u2019ve seen, Bill, in your own life and your experience, and as you share in your book\u2014when you have that courage and when you do open up and when light is shined into that dark place\u2014that\u2019s when God can do a redemptive, restorative work in a person\u2019s soul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d just encourage listeners, if you have had an experience like the one that Bill has described, or if somebody has been brave enough to share their experience with you, get a copy of Bill\u2019s book.\u00a0 It\u2019s called <em>Shattered.<\/em>\u00a0 Read through this book because, not only do you share your story, but in the midst of the story, we see how God works in a person\u2019s life and soul to bring restoration to a life that\u2019s been damaged by sexual abuse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of the book <em>Shattered<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLifeToday<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on how to get a copy of the book.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s also information there about the book, <em>The Wounded Heart,<\/em> by Dan Allender, which I know you benefitted from and which is a book that we\u2019ve recommended to many folks, throughout the years, who have wrestled with having been sexually abused as a child.\u00a0 Again, find both titles at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call us toll-free at 1-800-FLTODAY, and we can get you information on how you can have these books sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me quickly say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those listeners who get in touch with us from time to time to let us know how God has used the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> in your lives.\u00a0 One of the things I like to do, Dennis, is go to our website\u2014and right below where the transcript for each day\u2019s program is printed, there is an ongoing series of comments that folks will leave for us about a particular program.\u00a0 So we get some instant feedback from folks about how God has used today\u2019s program in their life.\u00a0 I\u2019d invite you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com and leave us your thoughts about today\u2019s program if you have a few minutes to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who help support this ministry.\u00a0 Your financial support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is not only what keeps us on the air in this city and in our network of cities all across the country, but your financial support also makes our website available.\u00a0 It makes our iPhone\u00ae application available.\u00a0 It makes it possible for this daily program to be heard by more people, and we appreciate that support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month, if you\u2019re able to help with a donation, we\u2019d like to send you as a thank-you gift a book that Barbara Rainey wrote to help encourage families to cultivate a spirit of thankfulness, of gratitude in the hearts of their children, and in the hearts of Mom and Dad as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a devotional book called <em>Growing Together in Gratitude.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>It features seven stories that can be read out loud at the dinner table or during family devotions\u2014all of them designed to help us understand what the Bible teaches about gratitude.\u00a0 And along with the book, we\u2019ll send some Thanksgiving prayer cards that you can keep with you to remind you to be thankful and to express your thanks to God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Simply click on the button that says, \u201cI Care,\u201d and that will take you right where you need to go to make your online donation.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY; make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 If you call, be sure to ask about the devotional book, <em>Growing Together in Gratitude, <\/em>so that we\u2019ll know you\u2019d like to have it sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say how grateful we are for your partnership with us here in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>We love hearing from you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us tomorrow when we\u2019re going to hear more from Bill Harbeck.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to continue to hear his story this week, and I hope you can stay with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.66M"],"filesize_raw":["26906969"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302396.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302396.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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a secret is difficult.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-11-07.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As a child, Bill Harbeck experienced something that no child ought to experience; but something that, in our culture today, is a growing reality for young girls and an increasing reality for young boys.\u00a0 Bill Harbeck was sexually abused as a child, and the abuse left scars.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 I entered into marriage at the age of 20, assuming that, now that the abuse was over, everything was going to be just fine.\u00a0 \u201cNow, I have intimacy the way God designed it and all of that is in the past.\u00a0 I can just forget about it\u2014and now man and wife.\u201d\u00a0 The first week of my marriage was a shocking awakening of how my behavior had been molded into what I was going to be as a husband sexually within a relationship that was completely dysfunctional.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, November 7<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll hear Bill Harbeck\u2019s story today about how, as a young boy, he experienced childhood sexual abuse.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 There are folks who have been called in life to walk down a path that is a difficult and a painful path.\u00a0 Sometimes we look at that, Dennis, and we say, \u201cThat just doesn\u2019t seem right or fair.\u201d\u00a0 And in a lot of ways, it\u2019s not right and fair.\u00a0 It\u2019s a manifestation of the evil age in which we live; and yet, we can\u2019t somehow draw the conclusion that God abandoned them on that path.\u00a0 But there can be a redemptive purpose that comes out of walking on a painful journey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about a subject today, Bob\u2014that might be appropriate for perhaps younger children\u2014who ought not to hear such discussions\u2014be given something else to do as we chat about this.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about a subject of sexual abuse.\u00a0 It\u2019s a pervasive issue in our nation and, frankly, in the world.\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStatistically, 39 million Americans, and this is a very old statistic here, are survivors of childhood abuse.\u00a0 It\u2019s estimated that the number could be three times that number.\u00a0 We have a guest with us who, frankly, has done a courageous work.\u00a0 He has written a book about his own experience.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBill Harbeck joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\u00a0I have to tell you, Bill, I really admire your courage in creating this book and sharing your story.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s going to bring hope and healing to a lot of people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, thank you.\u00a0 Thank you for having me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bill is the Director of Holding on to Hope Ministries, which is a ministry dedicated to helping people who have been sexually abused.\u00a0 For 32 years he was an educator.\u00a0 He\u2019s been a coach.\u00a0 He and his wife Jillian live in Arizona, and he has written a book called <em>Shattered: One Man\u2019s Journey from Sexual Abuse.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou say in the book, Bill, that you grew up in Cleaverville.\u00a0 Now is that Cleaverville, Arizona?\u00a0 Texas?\u00a0 What part of the country is Cleaverville?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually, it was just outside Chicago, but very similar to living with <em>Leave It to Beaver<\/em> and all the guys in the Cleaverville neighborhood.\u00a0 It was a wonderful place to grow up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You grew up in a Christian home.\u00a0 Your mom and dad were active in church and really took their faith seriously.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 They did.\u00a0 I began in church, literally ten days after I was born\u2014perfect attendance for 11 years in Sunday school\u2014had wonderful mentors in Lance Latham and Art Rorheim, the founders of AWANA.\u00a0 So yes, my parents were the pillars of our local church; and so I grew up in that tradition.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That foundation in your life was something that, as you look back on the path that you were asked to walk, that foundation helped preserve your emotional sanity later in life; didn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 Everything that I had learned in those Sunday school classes, and AWANA clubs, and church services was enough to help me when the moment of the most pain came and kept me stable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bill, you said your parents were pillars.\u00a0 When we speak of sexual abuse, one of the words that pops out is the word \u201cprotector.\u201d\u00a0 Were they your protectors as well?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Unfortunately, no.\u00a0 Mom and Dad didn\u2019t know about it.\u00a0 Had they known, I believe yes, they would have stepped in immediately and rectified everything; but my silence from them kept the opportunity from them to be the protectors they were without even knowing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Your silence was an issue, but were there telltale signs that they could have or should have noted looking back?\u00a0 I guess hindsight is 20\/20; but in your situation, your sexual abuse happened at the hands of an uncle who had a special relationship with his nephew.\u00a0 It appeared to everybody like this was just a good healthy relationship; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Very normal.\u00a0 We did a lot of things together.\u00a0 He took me places, gave me opportunities to do things that other 12-, 13-year-old boys didn\u2019t get.\u00a0 Mom wouldn\u2019t think anything of it.\u00a0 We were a family that always housed members when they came to town; so they stayed with us.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNothing was out of the ordinary, until the abuse began to happen when I was 13, 14, and I had some physical issues, and I had some anger issues, and I had some rage things that started to come out.\u00a0 My parents thought, \u201cWell, he\u2019s just a teenager, and he\u2019s just going through puberty, and he\u2019s going through changes, and he\u2019s an athlete so he gets mad.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLooking back, all those were signs and symptoms of what I was dealing with.\u00a0 Mom struggled.\u00a0 My mom is my great champion now to help in moving us forward, but it\u2019s taken her a long time to understand that, \u201cNo, it wasn\u2019t her fault,\u201d and, \u201cShe didn\u2019t fail because she wasn\u2019t there for me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 As I read your story, one of the things your uncle did was he took you to kind of high-adrenaline, high-entertainment value experiences that a 13-, 14-year-old boy would love.\u00a0 So you loved going there; but in the process, he had another agenda.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, he was a groomer\u2014what we term in this sexual arena\u2014a groomer is someone who will develop trust in a target that they have over time\u2014could be a week, could be four or five years\u2014before any actual abuse takes place.\u00a0 In my case, it was about a year-and-a-half, two years, where I was driving cars\u2014muscle cars of the late 60s and all kinds of activities that you don\u2019t get to do when you\u2019re 13.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So there was 12 to 18 months where what was being implanted in your mind is, \u201cMy uncle is a guy who gives me opportunities to have fun and excitement that other kids don\u2019t get<em>.<\/em>\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tell us about him.\u00a0 He was in the military; is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, correct.\u00a0 He was an enlisted man in the military, Air Force.\u00a0 His responsibility was to maintain a lot of the things at the base.\u00a0 He gave me the opportunity to go on base one time and fly a jet simulator.\u00a0 I was 14.\u00a0 No civilians were allowed to do that.\u00a0 It was great fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 He was unmarried?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Had never been married?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And he came and stayed at your house.\u00a0 Like you said, your family just welcomed the relatives in.\u00a0 In your case, your mom said, \u201cYou\u2019ve got a double bed.\u00a0 He\u2019ll sleep with you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, and we didn\u2019t think anything of it.\u00a0 Very small house\u2014three bedrooms.\u00a0 My sister wasn\u2019t going to stay with my uncle, and it was just the two of us.\u00a0 So it didn\u2019t even dawn on her that that would be something inappropriate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And did it happen a number of times with nothing inappropriate going on?\u00a0 Did your uncle sleep next to you and nothing happened?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 It went on for a year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And then in 1968 he shows up in a brand-new yellow Ford Mustang\u2014comes to your house and things change.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Things changed that weekend\u2014inappropriate touch that was shared with me\u2014that, \u201cThis is the way family members can show affection.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is this what groomers do to boys and girls?\u00a0 They find a way to control their thinking?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s all about control.\u00a0 It\u2019s really not about sex; it\u2019s about control.\u00a0 It\u2019s about them being able to manage that (usually) youngster because they\u2019re in a position of learning trust.\u00a0 They\u2019ve trusted their parents; they\u2019ve trusted someone else all their life.\u00a0 Here\u2019s this authority person now in their life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, when they do, you\u2019ve begun the conflicting emotions that go on between what\u2019s right and what\u2019s wrong; but, \u201cThis was the person I trust.\u00a0 So if I say something, there\u2019s no way my parents are going to believe me.\u00a0 They\u2019re going to believe him because he\u2019s the adult; he\u2019s the authority; he\u2019s the older figure. So I\u2019ll just keep this to myself.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How often were you seeing your uncle?\u00a0 Was it once a month, couple times a month that he\u2019d come up and the two of you would get together and go do something exciting?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was more of a seasonal thing.\u00a0 Once the spring hit in Illinois, when it starts to warm up, then it would become once or twice a month through the summer\u2014so from April to September.\u00a0 Then the frequency came when he invited me to come down and spend time with him.\u00a0 So I would go down to his place, sometimes for weekends.\u00a0 The intensity and frequency picked up even more in those times because now I was outside the reach of my family and parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe final one came when we went on a trip to Hawaii together\u2014which I dreaded the idea of going\u2014but how do you turn that down?\u00a0 When he approached my parents, he said, \u201cI want to show him Pearl Harbor; and we can spend the whole week together, and I\u2019ll pay for the whole thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m listening to this story, and I read about it as well, and I have the same emotion as I\u2019m reflecting on it.\u00a0 I\u2019m just saying, \u201cThis is evil.\u00a0 It just feels like from the pit of hell, frankly.\u201d\u00a0 Both Bob and I are good friends with Dr. Dan Allender.\u00a0 He says that sexual abuse is the hardest stone the Devil of Hell throws at a boy or a girl growing up.\u00a0 You understand that statement; don\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do.\u00a0 I sit here, even as you\u2019re saying it, and it begins to trigger some of those old emotions of the pain, of the sheer terror some days of knowing what I was going into, and not being able to do anything about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There\u2019s a term that counselors use that you\u2019ve learned over the years, and it is part of what you did as a coping mechanism.\u00a0 It\u2019s the term dissociate, where you in those moments\u2014it\u2019s almost like traveling outside your body, and something\u2019s happening, and you\u2019re detached from what\u2019s happening to you; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 It happened clearly on the Hawaii trip.\u00a0 In fact, the last time I remember the abuse was one of those moments.\u00a0 I had grown to the point of understanding that I could do that.\u00a0 I could separate my mind and my experience from the moment as if it was not really happening.\u00a0 That probably is what drove him away from me because I was no longer even in the process of engagement whatsoever.\u00a0 I was there, but I wasn\u2019t there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is going to sound like maybe it\u2019s the wrong thing to ask, but you were looking forward at some level to going to Hawaii and seeing Pearl Harbor.\u00a0 Was there any part of you that looked forward to the abuse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not the abuse in particular; but let\u2019s face it, this was a sexual issue and there\u2019s pleasure involved.\u00a0 And the great ambivalence is that the pleasure is designed by God.\u00a0 He gave me that as a gift; and so yes, looking back, there\u2019s a part of that that says, \u201cThis is going to be great;\u201d\u2014but there\u2019s that other part, that ambivalent part of, \u201cThis is also evil,\u201d\u2014and they\u2019re both going on at the same time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And wiring into your psyche\u2014this sense that something is evil and pleasurable, and distorting your picture of human sexuality as a teenager.\u00a0 What that carries over, then, as a young adult, as a married man\u2014it really does set a pattern that you can understand where someone\u2019s life becomes shaped around this mixed message about their sexuality.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Totally.\u00a0 I entered into marriage at the age of 20, assuming that, now that the abuse was over, everything was going to be just fine.\u00a0 Now I have intimacy the way God designed it; and all of that\u2019s in the past, and I can just forget about it\u2014now, man and wife.\u00a0 The first week of my marriage was a shocking awakening of how my behavior had been molded into what I was going to be as a husband sexually within a relationship that was completely dysfunctional.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were aware of that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think, within the first week or two, I realized that I was going to be an aggressor.\u00a0 I was going to be hurtful, but I was also going to be detached.\u00a0 This was going to be about me and not about my wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk more this week about the rest of your story and how it impacted your marriage, and the healing that ultimately came to you.\u00a0 But I want you to speak to that listener today who is hearing you talk about this and, perhaps, they\u2019ve never said anything to anyone.\u00a0 They\u2019ve hidden it like you hid it for a number of years and, like you did, well into your marriage.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat could you say to that person today to offer hope and healing, or at least the beginning of the process of that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 We say over and over, \u201cYou\u2019re not alone.\u201d\u00a0 Most of\u2014at least I always felt that I was the only person this ever happened to, and no one would understand, and no one would be able to sympathize or feel for what I went through.\u00a0 It\u2019s the opposite.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe whole key is saying something for the first time and letting it out.\u00a0 It has to be within a context, I think, of a person that you know you are safe with.\u00a0 For me, it was my wife.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t have shared it with anyone else; but having it out that first time was as if the entire world had been lifted off my shoulders, finally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The challenging thing about that, though, is that involves trust.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s all about trust.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And trust has been betrayed over a seven-year period in your life with this man.\u00a0 I can see how there would be two major streams, like currents of a river, going in opposite directions.\u00a0 It takes a lot of courage to admit this and talk about this, even with a person you consider to be safe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you try to send up flares when you were a teenager?\u00a0 Were there times when\u2014you said with your mom\u2014you said, \u201cI don\u2019t want to go;\u201d but did you ever come close with a family member or a friend saying, \u201cI\u2019m just going to get this whole thing out in the open?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 Once with my father.\u00a0 I can picture it; it was on the way to school.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWhat is wrong with you?\u00a0 Why these attitudes?\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 You\u2019ve never been like this before.\u201d\u00a0 And I said, \u201cDad, if you only knew.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cKnew what?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, some things you just don\u2019t know.\u201d\u00a0 I came so close to wanting to say, \u201cThis is why.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLater, in my marriage, one of the standing jokes between my wife and me is she would say, \u201cI know everything there is to know about you.\u201d\u00a0 And I say, \u201cYou never know everything.\u201d\u00a0 So many times, at the end of that statement, I just wanted to say, \u201cThis happened to me when I was a kid.\u00a0 You don\u2019t know, and this is something I\u2019ve kept a secret.\u201d\u00a0 It had to be hundreds of times I just wished I could have said it; and finally; it happened one day in an Olive Garden restaurant.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was it just the intense sense of shame?\u00a0 Was it just, \u201cI can\u2019t tell this because it\u2019s such a shameful experience\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s it.\u00a0 Your shame has a way of convincing you of the lies that, \u201cYou\u2019re dirty; you\u2019re disgusting; you\u2019re bad; it was your fault; you asked for this.\u201d\u00a0 All of those lies build up, build up, build up, and you just can\u2019t get to that moment of saying, \u201cWow, this happened to me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the ways we can counter lies is with the truth; and the truth is that God hears our prayers, and He knows what\u2019s going on in our lives, everything.\u00a0 I\u2019m just wondering right now, Bill, if you would pray for that person who is locked up in this hidden tragedy of evil.\u00a0 Would you pray for that person right now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bill:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019d be honored.\u00a0 \u201c<em>Father, I just pause for the moment.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>There are hundreds, millions of men out there who right now want so desperately to speak out and say something.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>Lord, speak to their heart through your Spirit.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>They are Your creation\u2014designed\u2014t here\u2019s only one\u2014we\u2019re not in competition with each other.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>You love each of us because You designed us to be in relationship with You.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>That\u2019s what we so deeply want; and abuse cuts that off, gets in the way, and keeps us from wanting to reach out to You.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u201cSo for that man, woman, child, whatever age, whatever experience, whenever it happened, if they\u2019ve never spoken up, Lord, Spirit, give them the courage in this moment to find that person they can reach out to and say, \u2018Hey, this happened to me.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>Could you pray with me and just help me walk through this?\u2019<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u201cLord, I know You do it.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>I\u2019ve seen it happen so many times and the joy that comes is worth the pain for the moment.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>I pray that would happen right now to so many who are listening, Lord.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>Amen.\u201d<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, as you were praying, I kept thinking a prayer like that\u2014a person who has been trapped\u2014God is the ultimate One who is safe.\u00a0 It\u2019s the Enemy who is trying to rob you of intimacy with your God and an authentic relationship with Him.\u00a0 It could be, the first step you take is talk to God about what happened; and ask Him for the courage to tell one person very, very soon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As you\u2019ve seen, Bill, in your own life and your experience, and as you share in your book\u2014when you have that courage and when you do open up and when light is shined into that dark place\u2014that\u2019s when God can do a redemptive, restorative work in a person\u2019s soul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d just encourage listeners, if you have had an experience like the one that Bill has described, or if somebody has been brave enough to share their experience with you, get a copy of Bill\u2019s book.\u00a0 It\u2019s called <em>Shattered.<\/em>\u00a0 Read through this book because, not only do you share your story, but in the midst of the story, we see how God works in a person\u2019s life and soul to bring restoration to a life that\u2019s been damaged by sexual abuse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of the book <em>Shattered<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLifeToday<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on how to get a copy of the book.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s also information there about the book, <em>The Wounded Heart,<\/em> by Dan Allender, which I know you benefitted from and which is a book that we\u2019ve recommended to many folks, throughout the years, who have wrestled with having been sexually abused as a child.\u00a0 Again, find both titles at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call us toll-free at 1-800-FLTODAY, and we can get you information on how you can have these books sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me quickly say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those listeners who get in touch with us from time to time to let us know how God has used the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> in your lives.\u00a0 One of the things I like to do, Dennis, is go to our website\u2014and right below where the transcript for each day\u2019s program is printed, there is an ongoing series of comments that folks will leave for us about a particular program.\u00a0 So we get some instant feedback from folks about how God has used today\u2019s program in their life.\u00a0 I\u2019d invite you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com and leave us your thoughts about today\u2019s program if you have a few minutes to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who help support this ministry.\u00a0 Your financial support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is not only what keeps us on the air in this city and in our network of cities all across the country, but your financial support also makes our website available.\u00a0 It makes our iPhone\u00ae application available.\u00a0 It makes it possible for this daily program to be heard by more people, and we appreciate that support.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month, if you\u2019re able to help with a donation, we\u2019d like to send you as a thank-you gift a book that Barbara Rainey wrote to help encourage families to cultivate a spirit of thankfulness, of gratitude in the hearts of their children, and in the hearts of Mom and Dad as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a devotional book called <em>Growing Together in Gratitude.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>It features seven stories that can be read out loud at the dinner table or during family devotions\u2014all of them designed to help us understand what the Bible teaches about gratitude.\u00a0 And along with the book, we\u2019ll send some Thanksgiving prayer cards that you can keep with you to remind you to be thankful and to express your thanks to God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Simply click on the button that says, \u201cI Care,\u201d and that will take you right where you need to go to make your online donation.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY; make a donation over the phone.\u00a0 If you call, be sure to ask about the devotional book, <em>Growing Together in Gratitude, <\/em>so that we\u2019ll know you\u2019d like to have it sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say how grateful we are for your partnership with us here in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>We love hearing from you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you can be back with us tomorrow when we\u2019re going to hear more from Bill Harbeck.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to continue to hear his story this week, and I hope you can stay with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302396","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302396"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302396"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302396"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302396"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302396"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302396"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302396"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}