{"id":302385,"date":"2011-10-21T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-10-21T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-blessing-of-emotions\/"},"modified":"2011-10-21T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-10-21T15:00:00","slug":"the-blessing-of-emotions","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-blessing-of-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"The Blessing of Emotions"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s your EQ (your emotional intelligence)?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-10-21.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.56M","filesize_raw":"24702631","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2805],"tags":[4086,4926,2877],"podcast_series":[7833],"cwp_profile":[9245],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302385","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gods-plan-for-marriage","tag-commitment","tag-faithfulness","tag-marriage","podcast_series-marriage-matters","cwp_profile-winston-smith","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302385\/the-blessing-of-emotions","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302385\/the-blessing-of-emotions","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"oIDMBWK91u\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-blessing-of-emotions\/\">The Blessing of Emotions<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-blessing-of-emotions\/embed\/#?secret=oIDMBWK91u\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Blessing of Emotions&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"oIDMBWK91u\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-10-21.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-10-21.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How often do you get angry in your marriage?\u00a0 Winston Smith says for a lot of couples, it\u2019s a regular occurrence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Anger is sort of the attractive emotion for us.\u00a0 Couples get into fight mode and in their defensiveness they go to anger when, in reality, what\u2019s true at a deeper level in their heart is that they\u2019re feeling afraid, or hurt, or ashamed.\u00a0 Those emotions don\u2019t have an immediate payoff, and they make you feel vulnerable.\u00a0 The anger is just the way they\u2019re avoiding talking about the things that hurt or the things that make them afraid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, October 21<sup>st<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Winston Smith joins us today to get to the <em>root <\/em>of anger in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I just heard you right, right?\u00a0 You just said that you think most people are emotionally illiterate.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that what you just said?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know the microphone was not on and you thought it was just between the two of us when you said it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually the three of us.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 Winston Smith joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 What do you think, Winston?\u00a0 Do you think people have a good grasp of their own emotions and how to manage them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think they do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, would you call them \u201cemotionally illiterate?\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a little\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Probably not on national radio.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s saying it strongly, but sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve kind of been called out by Bob, here.\u00a0 Well, Winston has written a book called <em>Marriage Matters<\/em>.\u00a0 It really does address the emotional dimension of relationships, especially marriage.\u00a0 Winston has a great deal of experience in counseling and teaches at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCould you get those guys to change their name?\u00a0 It\u2019s always so hard\u2014it\u2019s so many big words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 It\u2019s like a secret handshake or something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have to know how to say it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 CCEF.\u00a0 It really is.\u00a0 Been married to his wife Kim for more than 21 years; has three teenagers for all practical purposes.\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about this thing of EQ, your emotional intelligence.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust a little survey here at the beginning as we talk about this.\u00a0 Think of a number between one and ten (ten being, \u201cI had great knowledge of my own emotions\u201d).\u00a0 Bob, you\u2019re entering into this as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You embarrassed me.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m going to turn around and turn it on you now.\u00a0 What was your EQ when you started your marriage (one being poor, ten being excellent)?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Two, definitely.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 My own appraisal of mine would have been very high, which just shows how low I really was.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, you self-tested.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, and I thought, \u201cI\u2019m really good at this.\u00a0 I know exactly what\u2019s going on.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would have been down there in the \u201ctwo\u201d category as well.\u00a0 We so underestimate who we are in terms of being made in the image of God, and I believe that includes our emotions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have to ask you right here at the beginning\u2014because this is one of these things that comes up.\u00a0 I\u2019ll hear people say, \u201cEmotions aren\u2019t good or bad.\u00a0 They\u2019re not sinful or non-sinful.\u00a0 It\u2019s what you do with them that makes them sinful or not.\u201d\u00a0 Do you agree with that statement?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sort of.\u00a0 Our emotions are like every aspect of our personhood.\u00a0 They are created good, but they\u2019ve been broken by sin.\u00a0 I think the problem comes in when we label particular emotions, in and of themselves, as sinful or non-sinful.\u00a0 Typically, what we do is we say, \u201cWell, the Bible has lots of really good things to say about happiness and joy; so, that\u2019s good.\u00a0 The Bible has all sorts of cautions about anger; so, anger is sinful.\u201d\u00a0 We sort of cut it that cleanly, and it\u2019s much more complicated than that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There can be sinful joy and there can be righteous anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I can feel happy for all kinds of the wrong reasons, and my happiness is sinful.\u00a0 It just feels good when I\u2019m sinning that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is love an emotion?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Love is certainly something that engages our emotions; but as I\u2019ve mentioned before, ultimately, love is a person.\u00a0 God is love, but the way we interact with love can certainly stir our emotions in lots of different ways.\u00a0 So, for instance, because God loves us, He has to become angry at the things that harm us.\u00a0 God is angry at sin because sin is contrary to Him and sin harms His people.\u00a0 So, His anger is a product of His love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod describes Himself to us as angry at times in Scripture, and He doesn\u2019t apologize for it.\u00a0 It\u2019s part of His wonderful sinless glorious personhood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 God describes Himself as a jealous God; and yet, we often talk about a jealous husband or wife in negative terms.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There can be righteous jealousy, can\u2019t there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that the Scripture cautions us with some of these emotions because so often they are skewed and destructive.\u00a0 So, the Scripture offers us <em>lots <\/em>of cautions about anger because anger can happen so rapidly.\u00a0 It\u2019s so easily distorted that, by and large, what we get in Scripture are warnings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the other hand, we do see God acting in anger in a <em>constructive way <\/em>that actually restores relationship.\u00a0 Here again, think of the cross as both an act of God\u2019s love and His anger.\u00a0 It is most certainly both, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 It\u2019s the wrath of God poured out on His Son in such a way that it produces restoration and reconciliation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You make a statement in your book, <em>Marriage Matters<\/em> (and I underlined this because I thought this was good).\u00a0 You said, \u201cEmotions are the currency of personal involvement.\u00a0 Your emotions tell you and others how important something is to you and how you value it.\u00a0 The stronger the emotion, the more important that is to you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you say, \u201cThe absence of emotion communicates indifference, which is just as painful as rage, or rejection, or betrayal.\u00a0 If you\u2019re unwilling to share in your spouse\u2019s emotions, your spouse isn\u2019t likely to feel loved.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe emotional component of a marriage relationship is something that we have to learn to cultivate, to sanctify.\u00a0 It has to be a part of this process.\u00a0 If we just say, \u201cWell, it is what it is and that\u2019s just how I am,\u201d we\u2019re in trouble aren\u2019t we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 We are.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I think it\u2019s so important for us to appreciate the biblical roots of what I\u2019m saying there.\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying that because of something I\u2019ve picked up off the <em>Oprah Winfrey Show<\/em> or something.\u00a0 Paul says in Romans 12, \u201cLove must be sincere.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we get this wonderful sort of laundry list of all the things that make up sincere love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of them is this in verse 15: \u201cRejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.\u00a0 Live in harmony with one another.\u201d\u00a0 In other words, there\u2019s something essential to love that means I enter into the experience of the other person.\u00a0 When the person that I\u2019m connected to, my spouse, is sorrowful and sad, loving her means being willing to and being able to experience that sadness <em>with her<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLikewise, with the positive, fun emotions, too.\u00a0 That\u2019s not something that the Apostle Paul is just making up either.\u00a0 That\u2019s what we see in Christ Himself\u2014Emmanuel, God with us.\u00a0 He enters into our world, He lives in our sorrows, He bears our hardships, and He <em>groans<\/em>.\u00a0 We hear that groaning in His words and His actions.\u00a0 We hear them in the Psalms.\u00a0 God <em>feels<\/em> with us, and that\u2019s part of how we know His love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking of First Peter, Chapter 3, verse 7 which commands husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way.\u00a0 I think there\u2019s a reason why that\u2019s commanded to the husbands.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think we do a real good job of getting into our wife\u2019s heart, and mind, and emotions, and bearing her <em>weight<\/em> well.\u00a0 I think we tend to blow it off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 You know what we tend to do in those moments as husbands\u2014let\u2019s be honest with each other as husbands right now\u2014we tend to see our wives upset and we go into problem-solving mode.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Fix it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 We feel uncomfortable with her upset; so, we want to fix the upset.\u00a0 When in reality, probably, the most important thing to do in that moment is to <em>slow down<\/em> and connect with them, hear and understand their upset, and just <em>care<\/em> about the upset.\u00a0 When we immediately rush to problem solving, we really invalidate their upset. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe, kind of, end up communicating to them, \u201cYou\u2019re being silly.\u00a0 You\u2019re overreacting.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t that big of a deal.\u201d\u00a0 You aren\u2019t loving them, and they don\u2019t feel loved.\u00a0 That\u2019s when our wives will say, \u201cWould you just listen to me?\u201d\u00a0 They\u2019re right.\u00a0 We ought to listen.\u00a0 We can get to problem-solving; and that\u2019s good but, now, before you\u2019ve done the more fundamental things of love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re ultimately saying in those moments, \u201cYour feelings aren\u2019t that important.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to move to a solution.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to fix this thing so we can move on.\u201d\u00a0 Barbara has said so many times to me (man, I wish I had gotten this earlier in our marriage), \u201cI just want you to stop.\u201d\u00a0 You said it well just a moment ago, Winston, when you said, \u201cYou just have to stop, slow down, focus, listen to what\u2019s going on, and then attempt to articulate back to your spouse what she just said.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou just told me that you really are upset the kids are mugging you, they\u2019re taking advantage of you, and they\u2019re wearing you out!\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry, Sweetheart.\u201d\u00a0 Then, resist with all the fiber of your masculine heart the \u201cpull out the tool chest and let\u2019s discipline those\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why don\u2019t we do this?\u00a0 Let\u2019s suggest this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, let\u2019s fix this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWe can put them under a curfew,\u201d and all this stuff.\u00a0 \u201cPut them to bed early.\u00a0 We\u2019ll deal with this.\u201d\u00a0 That doesn\u2019t accomplish it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How many times, when you\u2019re sitting with a couple in a counseling office, are there emotional issues that are messing things up relationally between the two of them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Almost <em>all <\/em>the time.\u00a0 What usually is happening is there is strong emotion coming out in the marriage, and they don\u2019t know how to talk about it.\u00a0 So, it comes out as they\u2019re arguing about superficial events.\u00a0 What they need help doing is understanding how those emotions are pointing them to the deeper issues of life that they don\u2019t know how to talk about yet.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 They need to see that, that\u2019s like a light that goes on on the dashboard that says, \u201cThere\u2019s something wrong under the hood.\u201d\u00a0 Rather than just saying, \u201cWe have to fix this light,\u201d you have to pop the hood and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s causing the light to flash?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Instead of smashing the light and telling the light to go off, saying, \u201cThis light means something important is happening, and I want to understand what is important going on inside of you right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 In a counseling office, in a marriage relationship, is it typically anger?\u00a0 What would be the other emotions that would\u2014self-pity, hurt?\u00a0 What are the things that are sabotaging marriages?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 One thing I think that we always want to watch out for is how anger is sort of the attractive emotion for us.\u00a0 So, couples get into fight mode and in their defensiveness they go to anger.\u00a0 When in reality, what\u2019s true at a deeper level in their heart, is that they\u2019re feeling afraid, or hurt, or ashamed.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose emotions don\u2019t have an immediate payoff.\u00a0 They make you feel vulnerable.\u00a0 Anger makes me feel strong, anger appeals to pride, and anger invites me to blame the other person.\u00a0 Very often, as I\u2019m trying to help couples get to the deeper matters of the heart, I frequently will find there are deeper things going on beneath the anger.\u00a0 The anger is just a way that they\u2019re avoiding talking about the things that hurt or the things that make them afraid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s a smoke-screen of sorts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it can be.\u00a0 Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I noticed in the front of your book, speaking of emotions, that you dedicated the book to your wife.\u00a0 I want to read what you wrote here in dedicating this book to her because there\u2019s a good bit of emotion expressed in this dedication.\u00a0 You write, \u201cTo my Kim\u2014your childlike delight in the most ordinary things, your revelry in the good, and your angry tears over the bad, your humility and faithfulness\u2014in these and a thousand other ways you show me the love of Christ every day.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, there\u2019s a lot of emotion that\u2019s acknowledged in your wife here.\u00a0 You\u2019re celebrating that emotion in her, aren\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, yes.\u00a0 That\u2019s right because her emotions\u2014like I say in that dedication\u2014they point me to the good\u2014and her emotions point me to the bad in a very vivid way.\u00a0 She\u2019s not an abstract, cerebral person.\u00a0 She\u2019s in the moment, she\u2019s very concrete, and that\u2019s exactly what I need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know what I think your dedication helps us to see is that there is sometimes a misconception.\u00a0 If there is a high degree of emotion, that is toxic in a relationship.\u00a0 We tend to think we have to help these people learn how to control their emotion or how to drain the emotion out of the relationship in order for this to be fixed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What you\u2019re saying is we don\u2019t want to simply try to tamp down or squash our emotional expression.\u00a0 We have to learn how to move it from being destructive to make it <em>constructive<\/em> in a relationship.\u00a0 You don\u2019t do that by simply saying, \u201cDon\u2019t feel that way. Don\u2019t act that way anymore.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 The goal here isn\u2019t to extinguish emotions.\u00a0 \u201cEmotions make me uncomfortable, so, let\u2019s feel less or let\u2019s talk less about them.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s learning how to talk about emotions in a way that\u2019s constructive.\u00a0 Again, the emotions point you to what\u2019s important inside of you or what you think is important.\u00a0 They point you to what you <em>value<\/em>.\u00a0 That\u2019s so critical to loving the other person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI could easily sit here and say, \u201cOkay, guys, I\u2019m going to get on a plane this afternoon; and I\u2019m going to fly back to Philadelphia,\u201d and all you <em>know<\/em> is my itinerary for the afternoon.\u00a0 If I said to you, \u201cI\u2019m going to leave here, get on a plane, and fly to Philadelphia; and I\u2019m going to take a couple tranquilizers before I get on the plane because I\u2019m <em>so <\/em>nervous about it.\u201d\u00a0 Now, you <em>reall<\/em>y know something about Winston. That\u2019s not true, by the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was going to say you need to see a counselor if that\u2019s the case.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s not true; but you\u2019d say, \u201cThis guy is scared. Winston\u2019s afraid of flying.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 So, you could love me better.\u00a0 Dennis would, I\u2019m sure, rush over here and pray with me or something and say, \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid.\u00a0 It\u2019s going to be okay.\u201d\u00a0 So, you get rid of the emotions, and you lose the person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Your goal in counseling is not to help couples have a less emotional relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not at all.\u00a0 That would be like cutting off an arm or a leg.\u00a0 They would be less of a person if they don\u2019t feel things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you have two people in a counseling setting, one of them is full of hurt and self-pity and that emotion is just always bringing the whole atmosphere of the home down to where nobody wants to walk in because there\u2019s so much self-pity and moping there.\u00a0 You have another person who just gets angry at the drop of a hat.\u00a0 That\u2019s not a good way to live.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, how do you take the couple from where they are and get them to where they learn how to express their emotions in a way that brings <em>life<\/em> to the relationship rather than <em>death<\/em> to the relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the problems is when people <em>first<\/em> start talking about their emotions, they usually talk about them as sort of a necessary consequence of what their spouse did.\u00a0 In other words, \u201cI\u2019ll tell you how I feel,\u201d but what I\u2019m telling you is, \u201cWhat they did to me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think one of the first steps is learning to really take responsibility for your own emotions as your response to what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 Rather than saying, \u201cI lost my temper because of what you did to me,\u201d saying, \u201cI lost my temper because of sin inside of me.\u00a0 I was really angry because of what happened, and I want you to understand why it made me so angry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I tend to be an emotionally-controlled person.\u00a0 I don\u2019t lose my temper very quickly, very easily.\u00a0 I can kind of pat myself on the back because this is the more spiritual way to be\u2014is to have your emotions under control.\u00a0 That\u2019s not true, is it?\u00a0 What I just said?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not if the Scriptures are any indicator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, what do you do with a guy like me who says, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m pretty good.\u00a0 I don\u2019t get flustered in these situations.\u00a0 I immediately kick in, \u201cLet\u2019s go to the logical side, let\u2019s figure this out.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Then, I pat myself on the back going, \u201cYou handled that pretty well.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 What would I say to that?\u00a0 What would I do about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I\u2019m just looking for a little free counseling here.\u00a0 We have a few minutes.\u00a0 I thought I\u2019d cash in on this deal.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the things I would say, if we were doing marriage counseling\u2014my guess is your wife would help me locate things that you can\u2019t fix.\u00a0 I would say, \u201cWhat do you do when you and your wife are facing something that you can\u2019t fix? Then, how do you respond?\u00a0 How do you love when there isn\u2019t a solution to what\u2019s going on?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You just don\u2019t talk about that stuff anymore.\u00a0 That\u2019s how you deal with it and move on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 I see.\u00a0 Then, I got you.\u00a0 I got you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The other thing that I think a couple would do in that situation would be to throw it up into God-talk, and just spiritualize the problem away.\u00a0 Just say, \u201cYou know, God\u2019s in charge.\u00a0 He\u2019s in control.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 It\u2019s funny.\u00a0 I was talking with a couple not long ago.\u00a0 The wife described her husband, in his presence.\u00a0 She said, \u201cYeah, you know, he\u2019s been a great pastor to me but not a very good husband,\u201d meaning, \u201cHe has the God-talk down.\u00a0 He will point me to the right Scripture, but he\u2019s not personally involved.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Our wives are looking for soul-mates, not the clergy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re looking for them, too, aren\u2019t we?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not just that they\u2019re looking for soul-mates, but we need somebody who loves us that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think what happens far too often\u2014we start out marriage with good intentions\u2014being intimacy and knowing one another\u2014but we don\u2019t know how to get there, and we\u2019re not equipped.\u00a0 We don\u2019t have the tools; and so, our problems derail us.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Bob, it\u2019s part of why we have created the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> \u00ae as a package to really equip couples in a Friday night, all-day Saturday, half-day Sunday weekend experience, where they get the biblical tools around issues of communication, intimacy, conflict-resolution, being honest and authentic with one another.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s missing in a lot of marriages because they get used to where they are.\u00a0 They settle in to mediocrity; and frankly, need something like the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00a0 to kind of jolt them out of the doldrums and move them toward the richness of what a marriage relationship was designed by God to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 The thing that makes the weekend, I think, so powerful is not simply what\u2019s communicated at the weekend (although that\u2019s important and central to it), but it\u2019s the experience that a husband and wife have of being away together for a couple of days\u2014some projects that you work on together.\u00a0 It\u2019s really that connection that makes the weekend transformational in the lives of couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They leave there, not only with an intellectual game plan, but having already experienced the <em>benefit<\/em> of the teaching that they received there because they\u2019ve done the projects.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWinston, I just want to thank you for being on the broadcast and for lifting our sights about marriage.\u00a0 I just wrote down what my take-away has been here as we\u2019ve talked this week.\u00a0 \u201cMarriage is redemptive.\u00a0 It calls us to faith in God, it saves us from ourselves, and it teaches us how to love one another.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s really what you\u2019re exhorting people to do in your counseling, your teaching, and in the book that you\u2019ve written.\u00a0 I really appreciate you because you\u2019ve not just put together a practical manual that helps people put a band aid over issues, but you\u2019ve gone to the source.\u00a0 You\u2019re talking to couples about what they believe about God and the truth of His Word.\u00a0 I just appreciate you standing firm on behalf of the Scriptures.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you so much, Dennis.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a pleasure being here with you and Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We do have copies of your book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 Listeners can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to find out how you can get a copy of <em>Marriage Matters<\/em> by Winston Smith.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com, or call us toll-free at 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Ask about Winston Smith\u2019s book, <em>Marriage Matters,<\/em> and we\u2019ll let you know how you can get a copy sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhile you\u2019re on our website, if you need more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you can click on the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> link that you\u2019ll find there.\u00a0 Hundreds of couples this weekend headed out to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNext weekend, there are additional getaways.\u00a0 In fact, throughout the month of November and into December, we have events taking place all across the country.\u00a0 Then, starting back up in the spring, more events taking place; so, we do hope that you\u2019ll get out and spend a weekend with us at this fun, romantic getaway for couples, the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, there is a link at FamilyLifeToday.com that can take you right where you need to go, where you can get more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpeaking of conferences, our friends at the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation, where Winston works, are hosting a national conference here in a couple of weeks in Louisville, Kentucky, that is primarily for people who do counseling or for pastors, people involved in soul care.\u00a0 If you need more information about the upcoming CCEF national conference there is a link at FamilyLifeToday.com for that as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, finally, I want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d to those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLifeToday.<\/em>\u00a0 Your donations make this broadcast possible.\u00a0 They cover the production and syndication costs of putting this program together, and we appreciate your support of the ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this week, if you can help with a donation, we\u2019d love to send you as a thank-you gift Dennis and Barbara Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Two Hearts Praying as One.<\/em>\u00a0 It\u2019s a book for husbands and wives to read together so that you can begin to cultivate the habit of praying together regularly as a couple\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s our gift to you when you make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> this week.\u00a0 If you make that donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, type the word \u201cONE\u201d, (O-N-E), into the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 If you make the donation by phone, just ask for the book, <em>Two Hearts Praying as One;<\/em> and we\u2019ll be happy to send it to you.\u00a0 We do appreciate, again, your support of the ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend.\u00a0 Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend.\u00a0 I hope you can join us back on Monday when Barbara Rainey is going to be here.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about how we can help our children understand the whole idea of absolute truth and what it means to live according to the truth.\u00a0 Barbara has a new devotional on that subject, and we\u2019ll talk about it Monday.\u00a0 Hope you can join us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.56M"],"filesize_raw":["24702631"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302385.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302385.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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your EQ (your emotional intelligence)?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-10-21.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How often do you get angry in your marriage?\u00a0 Winston Smith says for a lot of couples, it\u2019s a regular occurrence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Anger is sort of the attractive emotion for us.\u00a0 Couples get into fight mode and in their defensiveness they go to anger when, in reality, what\u2019s true at a deeper level in their heart is that they\u2019re feeling afraid, or hurt, or ashamed.\u00a0 Those emotions don\u2019t have an immediate payoff, and they make you feel vulnerable.\u00a0 The anger is just the way they\u2019re avoiding talking about the things that hurt or the things that make them afraid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, October 21<sup>st<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Winston Smith joins us today to get to the <em>root <\/em>of anger in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I just heard you right, right?\u00a0 You just said that you think most people are emotionally illiterate.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that what you just said?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know the microphone was not on and you thought it was just between the two of us when you said it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Actually the three of us.\u00a0 (Laughter)\u00a0 Winston Smith joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 What do you think, Winston?\u00a0 Do you think people have a good grasp of their own emotions and how to manage them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think they do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, would you call them \u201cemotionally illiterate?\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a little\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Probably not on national radio.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s saying it strongly, but sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve kind of been called out by Bob, here.\u00a0 Well, Winston has written a book called <em>Marriage Matters<\/em>.\u00a0 It really does address the emotional dimension of relationships, especially marriage.\u00a0 Winston has a great deal of experience in counseling and teaches at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCould you get those guys to change their name?\u00a0 It\u2019s always so hard\u2014it\u2019s so many big words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 It\u2019s like a secret handshake or something.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It really is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have to know how to say it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 CCEF.\u00a0 It really is.\u00a0 Been married to his wife Kim for more than 21 years; has three teenagers for all practical purposes.\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about this thing of EQ, your emotional intelligence.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust a little survey here at the beginning as we talk about this.\u00a0 Think of a number between one and ten (ten being, \u201cI had great knowledge of my own emotions\u201d).\u00a0 Bob, you\u2019re entering into this as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You embarrassed me.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m going to turn around and turn it on you now.\u00a0 What was your EQ when you started your marriage (one being poor, ten being excellent)?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Two, definitely.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 My own appraisal of mine would have been very high, which just shows how low I really was.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, you self-tested.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, and I thought, \u201cI\u2019m really good at this.\u00a0 I know exactly what\u2019s going on.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would have been down there in the \u201ctwo\u201d category as well.\u00a0 We so underestimate who we are in terms of being made in the image of God, and I believe that includes our emotions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have to ask you right here at the beginning\u2014because this is one of these things that comes up.\u00a0 I\u2019ll hear people say, \u201cEmotions aren\u2019t good or bad.\u00a0 They\u2019re not sinful or non-sinful.\u00a0 It\u2019s what you do with them that makes them sinful or not.\u201d\u00a0 Do you agree with that statement?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sort of.\u00a0 Our emotions are like every aspect of our personhood.\u00a0 They are created good, but they\u2019ve been broken by sin.\u00a0 I think the problem comes in when we label particular emotions, in and of themselves, as sinful or non-sinful.\u00a0 Typically, what we do is we say, \u201cWell, the Bible has lots of really good things to say about happiness and joy; so, that\u2019s good.\u00a0 The Bible has all sorts of cautions about anger; so, anger is sinful.\u201d\u00a0 We sort of cut it that cleanly, and it\u2019s much more complicated than that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There can be sinful joy and there can be righteous anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I can feel happy for all kinds of the wrong reasons, and my happiness is sinful.\u00a0 It just feels good when I\u2019m sinning that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is love an emotion?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Love is certainly something that engages our emotions; but as I\u2019ve mentioned before, ultimately, love is a person.\u00a0 God is love, but the way we interact with love can certainly stir our emotions in lots of different ways.\u00a0 So, for instance, because God loves us, He has to become angry at the things that harm us.\u00a0 God is angry at sin because sin is contrary to Him and sin harms His people.\u00a0 So, His anger is a product of His love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod describes Himself to us as angry at times in Scripture, and He doesn\u2019t apologize for it.\u00a0 It\u2019s part of His wonderful sinless glorious personhood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 God describes Himself as a jealous God; and yet, we often talk about a jealous husband or wife in negative terms.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There can be righteous jealousy, can\u2019t there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that the Scripture cautions us with some of these emotions because so often they are skewed and destructive.\u00a0 So, the Scripture offers us <em>lots <\/em>of cautions about anger because anger can happen so rapidly.\u00a0 It\u2019s so easily distorted that, by and large, what we get in Scripture are warnings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the other hand, we do see God acting in anger in a <em>constructive way <\/em>that actually restores relationship.\u00a0 Here again, think of the cross as both an act of God\u2019s love and His anger.\u00a0 It is most certainly both, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 It\u2019s the wrath of God poured out on His Son in such a way that it produces restoration and reconciliation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You make a statement in your book, <em>Marriage Matters<\/em> (and I underlined this because I thought this was good).\u00a0 You said, \u201cEmotions are the currency of personal involvement.\u00a0 Your emotions tell you and others how important something is to you and how you value it.\u00a0 The stronger the emotion, the more important that is to you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you say, \u201cThe absence of emotion communicates indifference, which is just as painful as rage, or rejection, or betrayal.\u00a0 If you\u2019re unwilling to share in your spouse\u2019s emotions, your spouse isn\u2019t likely to feel loved.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe emotional component of a marriage relationship is something that we have to learn to cultivate, to sanctify.\u00a0 It has to be a part of this process.\u00a0 If we just say, \u201cWell, it is what it is and that\u2019s just how I am,\u201d we\u2019re in trouble aren\u2019t we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 We are.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I think it\u2019s so important for us to appreciate the biblical roots of what I\u2019m saying there.\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying that because of something I\u2019ve picked up off the <em>Oprah Winfrey Show<\/em> or something.\u00a0 Paul says in Romans 12, \u201cLove must be sincere.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we get this wonderful sort of laundry list of all the things that make up sincere love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of them is this in verse 15: \u201cRejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.\u00a0 Live in harmony with one another.\u201d\u00a0 In other words, there\u2019s something essential to love that means I enter into the experience of the other person.\u00a0 When the person that I\u2019m connected to, my spouse, is sorrowful and sad, loving her means being willing to and being able to experience that sadness <em>with her<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLikewise, with the positive, fun emotions, too.\u00a0 That\u2019s not something that the Apostle Paul is just making up either.\u00a0 That\u2019s what we see in Christ Himself\u2014Emmanuel, God with us.\u00a0 He enters into our world, He lives in our sorrows, He bears our hardships, and He <em>groans<\/em>.\u00a0 We hear that groaning in His words and His actions.\u00a0 We hear them in the Psalms.\u00a0 God <em>feels<\/em> with us, and that\u2019s part of how we know His love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking of First Peter, Chapter 3, verse 7 which commands husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way.\u00a0 I think there\u2019s a reason why that\u2019s commanded to the husbands.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think we do a real good job of getting into our wife\u2019s heart, and mind, and emotions, and bearing her <em>weight<\/em> well.\u00a0 I think we tend to blow it off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 You know what we tend to do in those moments as husbands\u2014let\u2019s be honest with each other as husbands right now\u2014we tend to see our wives upset and we go into problem-solving mode.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Fix it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 We feel uncomfortable with her upset; so, we want to fix the upset.\u00a0 When in reality, probably, the most important thing to do in that moment is to <em>slow down<\/em> and connect with them, hear and understand their upset, and just <em>care<\/em> about the upset.\u00a0 When we immediately rush to problem solving, we really invalidate their upset. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe, kind of, end up communicating to them, \u201cYou\u2019re being silly.\u00a0 You\u2019re overreacting.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t that big of a deal.\u201d\u00a0 You aren\u2019t loving them, and they don\u2019t feel loved.\u00a0 That\u2019s when our wives will say, \u201cWould you just listen to me?\u201d\u00a0 They\u2019re right.\u00a0 We ought to listen.\u00a0 We can get to problem-solving; and that\u2019s good but, now, before you\u2019ve done the more fundamental things of love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re ultimately saying in those moments, \u201cYour feelings aren\u2019t that important.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to move to a solution.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to fix this thing so we can move on.\u201d\u00a0 Barbara has said so many times to me (man, I wish I had gotten this earlier in our marriage), \u201cI just want you to stop.\u201d\u00a0 You said it well just a moment ago, Winston, when you said, \u201cYou just have to stop, slow down, focus, listen to what\u2019s going on, and then attempt to articulate back to your spouse what she just said.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou just told me that you really are upset the kids are mugging you, they\u2019re taking advantage of you, and they\u2019re wearing you out!\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry, Sweetheart.\u201d\u00a0 Then, resist with all the fiber of your masculine heart the \u201cpull out the tool chest and let\u2019s discipline those\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why don\u2019t we do this?\u00a0 Let\u2019s suggest this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, let\u2019s fix this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWe can put them under a curfew,\u201d and all this stuff.\u00a0 \u201cPut them to bed early.\u00a0 We\u2019ll deal with this.\u201d\u00a0 That doesn\u2019t accomplish it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How many times, when you\u2019re sitting with a couple in a counseling office, are there emotional issues that are messing things up relationally between the two of them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Almost <em>all <\/em>the time.\u00a0 What usually is happening is there is strong emotion coming out in the marriage, and they don\u2019t know how to talk about it.\u00a0 So, it comes out as they\u2019re arguing about superficial events.\u00a0 What they need help doing is understanding how those emotions are pointing them to the deeper issues of life that they don\u2019t know how to talk about yet.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 They need to see that, that\u2019s like a light that goes on on the dashboard that says, \u201cThere\u2019s something wrong under the hood.\u201d\u00a0 Rather than just saying, \u201cWe have to fix this light,\u201d you have to pop the hood and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s causing the light to flash?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Instead of smashing the light and telling the light to go off, saying, \u201cThis light means something important is happening, and I want to understand what is important going on inside of you right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 In a counseling office, in a marriage relationship, is it typically anger?\u00a0 What would be the other emotions that would\u2014self-pity, hurt?\u00a0 What are the things that are sabotaging marriages?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 One thing I think that we always want to watch out for is how anger is sort of the attractive emotion for us.\u00a0 So, couples get into fight mode and in their defensiveness they go to anger.\u00a0 When in reality, what\u2019s true at a deeper level in their heart, is that they\u2019re feeling afraid, or hurt, or ashamed.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose emotions don\u2019t have an immediate payoff.\u00a0 They make you feel vulnerable.\u00a0 Anger makes me feel strong, anger appeals to pride, and anger invites me to blame the other person.\u00a0 Very often, as I\u2019m trying to help couples get to the deeper matters of the heart, I frequently will find there are deeper things going on beneath the anger.\u00a0 The anger is just a way that they\u2019re avoiding talking about the things that hurt or the things that make them afraid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s a smoke-screen of sorts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it can be.\u00a0 Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I noticed in the front of your book, speaking of emotions, that you dedicated the book to your wife.\u00a0 I want to read what you wrote here in dedicating this book to her because there\u2019s a good bit of emotion expressed in this dedication.\u00a0 You write, \u201cTo my Kim\u2014your childlike delight in the most ordinary things, your revelry in the good, and your angry tears over the bad, your humility and faithfulness\u2014in these and a thousand other ways you show me the love of Christ every day.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, there\u2019s a lot of emotion that\u2019s acknowledged in your wife here.\u00a0 You\u2019re celebrating that emotion in her, aren\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, yes.\u00a0 That\u2019s right because her emotions\u2014like I say in that dedication\u2014they point me to the good\u2014and her emotions point me to the bad in a very vivid way.\u00a0 She\u2019s not an abstract, cerebral person.\u00a0 She\u2019s in the moment, she\u2019s very concrete, and that\u2019s exactly what I need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know what I think your dedication helps us to see is that there is sometimes a misconception.\u00a0 If there is a high degree of emotion, that is toxic in a relationship.\u00a0 We tend to think we have to help these people learn how to control their emotion or how to drain the emotion out of the relationship in order for this to be fixed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What you\u2019re saying is we don\u2019t want to simply try to tamp down or squash our emotional expression.\u00a0 We have to learn how to move it from being destructive to make it <em>constructive<\/em> in a relationship.\u00a0 You don\u2019t do that by simply saying, \u201cDon\u2019t feel that way. Don\u2019t act that way anymore.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 The goal here isn\u2019t to extinguish emotions.\u00a0 \u201cEmotions make me uncomfortable, so, let\u2019s feel less or let\u2019s talk less about them.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s learning how to talk about emotions in a way that\u2019s constructive.\u00a0 Again, the emotions point you to what\u2019s important inside of you or what you think is important.\u00a0 They point you to what you <em>value<\/em>.\u00a0 That\u2019s so critical to loving the other person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI could easily sit here and say, \u201cOkay, guys, I\u2019m going to get on a plane this afternoon; and I\u2019m going to fly back to Philadelphia,\u201d and all you <em>know<\/em> is my itinerary for the afternoon.\u00a0 If I said to you, \u201cI\u2019m going to leave here, get on a plane, and fly to Philadelphia; and I\u2019m going to take a couple tranquilizers before I get on the plane because I\u2019m <em>so <\/em>nervous about it.\u201d\u00a0 Now, you <em>reall<\/em>y know something about Winston. That\u2019s not true, by the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was going to say you need to see a counselor if that\u2019s the case.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s not true; but you\u2019d say, \u201cThis guy is scared. Winston\u2019s afraid of flying.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 So, you could love me better.\u00a0 Dennis would, I\u2019m sure, rush over here and pray with me or something and say, \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid.\u00a0 It\u2019s going to be okay.\u201d\u00a0 So, you get rid of the emotions, and you lose the person.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Your goal in counseling is not to help couples have a less emotional relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not at all.\u00a0 That would be like cutting off an arm or a leg.\u00a0 They would be less of a person if they don\u2019t feel things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you have two people in a counseling setting, one of them is full of hurt and self-pity and that emotion is just always bringing the whole atmosphere of the home down to where nobody wants to walk in because there\u2019s so much self-pity and moping there.\u00a0 You have another person who just gets angry at the drop of a hat.\u00a0 That\u2019s not a good way to live.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, how do you take the couple from where they are and get them to where they learn how to express their emotions in a way that brings <em>life<\/em> to the relationship rather than <em>death<\/em> to the relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the problems is when people <em>first<\/em> start talking about their emotions, they usually talk about them as sort of a necessary consequence of what their spouse did.\u00a0 In other words, \u201cI\u2019ll tell you how I feel,\u201d but what I\u2019m telling you is, \u201cWhat they did to me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think one of the first steps is learning to really take responsibility for your own emotions as your response to what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 Rather than saying, \u201cI lost my temper because of what you did to me,\u201d saying, \u201cI lost my temper because of sin inside of me.\u00a0 I was really angry because of what happened, and I want you to understand why it made me so angry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I tend to be an emotionally-controlled person.\u00a0 I don\u2019t lose my temper very quickly, very easily.\u00a0 I can kind of pat myself on the back because this is the more spiritual way to be\u2014is to have your emotions under control.\u00a0 That\u2019s not true, is it?\u00a0 What I just said?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Not if the Scriptures are any indicator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, what do you do with a guy like me who says, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m pretty good.\u00a0 I don\u2019t get flustered in these situations.\u00a0 I immediately kick in, \u201cLet\u2019s go to the logical side, let\u2019s figure this out.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Then, I pat myself on the back going, \u201cYou handled that pretty well.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 What would I say to that?\u00a0 What would I do about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I\u2019m just looking for a little free counseling here.\u00a0 We have a few minutes.\u00a0 I thought I\u2019d cash in on this deal.\u00a0 (Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the things I would say, if we were doing marriage counseling\u2014my guess is your wife would help me locate things that you can\u2019t fix.\u00a0 I would say, \u201cWhat do you do when you and your wife are facing something that you can\u2019t fix? Then, how do you respond?\u00a0 How do you love when there isn\u2019t a solution to what\u2019s going on?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You just don\u2019t talk about that stuff anymore.\u00a0 That\u2019s how you deal with it and move on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 I see.\u00a0 Then, I got you.\u00a0 I got you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The other thing that I think a couple would do in that situation would be to throw it up into God-talk, and just spiritualize the problem away.\u00a0 Just say, \u201cYou know, God\u2019s in charge.\u00a0 He\u2019s in control.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 It\u2019s funny.\u00a0 I was talking with a couple not long ago.\u00a0 The wife described her husband, in his presence.\u00a0 She said, \u201cYeah, you know, he\u2019s been a great pastor to me but not a very good husband,\u201d meaning, \u201cHe has the God-talk down.\u00a0 He will point me to the right Scripture, but he\u2019s not personally involved.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Our wives are looking for soul-mates, not the clergy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re looking for them, too, aren\u2019t we?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not just that they\u2019re looking for soul-mates, but we need somebody who loves us that way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think what happens far too often\u2014we start out marriage with good intentions\u2014being intimacy and knowing one another\u2014but we don\u2019t know how to get there, and we\u2019re not equipped.\u00a0 We don\u2019t have the tools; and so, our problems derail us.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Bob, it\u2019s part of why we have created the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> \u00ae as a package to really equip couples in a Friday night, all-day Saturday, half-day Sunday weekend experience, where they get the biblical tools around issues of communication, intimacy, conflict-resolution, being honest and authentic with one another.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s missing in a lot of marriages because they get used to where they are.\u00a0 They settle in to mediocrity; and frankly, need something like the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00a0 to kind of jolt them out of the doldrums and move them toward the richness of what a marriage relationship was designed by God to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 The thing that makes the weekend, I think, so powerful is not simply what\u2019s communicated at the weekend (although that\u2019s important and central to it), but it\u2019s the experience that a husband and wife have of being away together for a couple of days\u2014some projects that you work on together.\u00a0 It\u2019s really that connection that makes the weekend transformational in the lives of couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They leave there, not only with an intellectual game plan, but having already experienced the <em>benefit<\/em> of the teaching that they received there because they\u2019ve done the projects.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWinston, I just want to thank you for being on the broadcast and for lifting our sights about marriage.\u00a0 I just wrote down what my take-away has been here as we\u2019ve talked this week.\u00a0 \u201cMarriage is redemptive.\u00a0 It calls us to faith in God, it saves us from ourselves, and it teaches us how to love one another.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s really what you\u2019re exhorting people to do in your counseling, your teaching, and in the book that you\u2019ve written.\u00a0 I really appreciate you because you\u2019ve not just put together a practical manual that helps people put a band aid over issues, but you\u2019ve gone to the source.\u00a0 You\u2019re talking to couples about what they believe about God and the truth of His Word.\u00a0 I just appreciate you standing firm on behalf of the Scriptures.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Winston:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you so much, Dennis.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a pleasure being here with you and Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We do have copies of your book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center.\u00a0 Listeners can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to find out how you can get a copy of <em>Marriage Matters<\/em> by Winston Smith.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com, or call us toll-free at 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That's 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Ask about Winston Smith\u2019s book, <em>Marriage Matters,<\/em> and we\u2019ll let you know how you can get a copy sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhile you\u2019re on our website, if you need more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you can click on the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> link that you\u2019ll find there.\u00a0 Hundreds of couples this weekend headed out to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNext weekend, there are additional getaways.\u00a0 In fact, throughout the month of November and into December, we have events taking place all across the country.\u00a0 Then, starting back up in the spring, more events taking place; so, we do hope that you\u2019ll get out and spend a weekend with us at this fun, romantic getaway for couples, the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, there is a link at FamilyLifeToday.com that can take you right where you need to go, where you can get more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpeaking of conferences, our friends at the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation, where Winston works, are hosting a national conference here in a couple of weeks in Louisville, Kentucky, that is primarily for people who do counseling or for pastors, people involved in soul care.\u00a0 If you need more information about the upcoming CCEF national conference there is a link at FamilyLifeToday.com for that as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, finally, I want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d to those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLifeToday.<\/em>\u00a0 Your donations make this broadcast possible.\u00a0 They cover the production and syndication costs of putting this program together, and we appreciate your support of the ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this week, if you can help with a donation, we\u2019d love to send you as a thank-you gift Dennis and Barbara Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Two Hearts Praying as One.<\/em>\u00a0 It\u2019s a book for husbands and wives to read together so that you can begin to cultivate the habit of praying together regularly as a couple\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s our gift to you when you make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> this week.\u00a0 If you make that donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, type the word \u201cONE\u201d, (O-N-E), into the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 If you make the donation by phone, just ask for the book, <em>Two Hearts Praying as One;<\/em> and we\u2019ll be happy to send it to you.\u00a0 We do appreciate, again, your support of the ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend.\u00a0 Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend.\u00a0 I hope you can join us back on Monday when Barbara Rainey is going to be here.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about how we can help our children understand the whole idea of absolute truth and what it means to live according to the truth.\u00a0 Barbara has a new devotional on that subject, and we\u2019ll talk about it Monday.\u00a0 Hope you can join us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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