{"id":302348,"date":"2011-08-24T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-08-24T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-power-of-an-affirming-word\/"},"modified":"2025-01-29T11:50:05","modified_gmt":"2025-01-29T16:50:05","slug":"the-power-of-an-affirming-word","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-of-an-affirming-word\/","title":{"rendered":"The Power of an Affirming Word"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Words of encouragement linger sweetly in your ear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Words of encouragement linger sweetly in your ear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-24.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.95M","filesize_raw":"24065666","date_recorded":"2011-08-24 11:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2822],"tags":[4086,2877,2209],"podcast_series":[7819],"cwp_profile":[3358],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302348","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-growing-in-your-faith","tag-commitment","tag-marriage","tag-parenting","podcast_series-practicing-affirmation","cwp_profile-sam-crabtree","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302348\/the-power-of-an-affirming-word","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302348\/the-power-of-an-affirming-word","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"1U6XiqB64G\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-of-an-affirming-word\/\">The Power of an Affirming Word<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-power-of-an-affirming-word\/embed\/#?secret=1U6XiqB64G\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Power of an Affirming Word&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"1U6XiqB64G\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-24.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-24.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You may have heard people say, \u201cYou need to say ten kind things for every hard thing you\u2019re going to tell somebody else.\u201d\u00a0 Sam Crabtree says there\u2019s more to it than just doing the math.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s the way I think about the proportionality between affirmation, which is upbuilding and edifying, and criticism or correction, which is so draining to a relationship.\u00a0 What is the right number?\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t think about a number.\u00a0 I think about what is my reputation in the eyes of the person I\u2019m talking to.\u00a0 So if come at someone and they think, \u201cOh, here comes bad news,\u201d I\u2019ve got work to do in terms of being more affirming.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong> for Wednesday, August 24<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<strong>\u00ae<\/strong>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 What would people say about you?\u00a0 Are you a gracious and affirming person, or a harsh and critical person?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to explore that today.<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You know, I would guess if we had all our listeners sitting around the table with us and we said to them, \u201cCan you think of a time in your life when somebody said something to you positive, affirming, something that encouraged you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I would bet that everybody listening could come up with something almost instantly that is, if you\u2019re old enough, it\u2019s ten or twenty or thirty or forty years old, but you\u2019ve never forgotten it.\u00a0 You can\u2019t forget it; it\u2019s like it happened yesterday.\u00a0 There\u2019s such power in it.\u00a0 In fact, I don\u2019t know if our listeners know this, but this is something that routinely I\u2019ve observed you doing, where you\u2019ll walk up to somebody and --<\/p>\n<p>I remember you talking about seeing a young man at a gas station one time, somebody from your son\u2019s school I think.\u00a0 And you just went up and put your hand on his shoulder and said, \u201cYou know, I think God has a great future for you.\u201d\u00a0 The power of something like that \u2013 I\u2019m guessing that if we could dial that guy up ten years later, he\u2019d remember that moment in the gas station.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it is interesting how positive words and negative words stick in our soul.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been reminded of that all this week by Sam Crabtree, about the importance of affirmation.\u00a0 Sam, welcome back, and thanks for your fine book, <em>Practicing Affirmation.<\/em>\u00a0 I really have enjoyed this conversation.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Me too.\u00a0 Let me just underscore what you\u2019re saying about not just the importance of affirmation, but the power of affirmation.\u00a0 A few years ago I was talking about this very subject to some Campus Crusade for Christ staff gathered from five states or something, and I talked about this subject and then we took a break.<\/p>\n<p>We came back for the next section and I noticed a guy who was right down in the front here was missing.\u00a0 His chair was empty.\u00a0 Later in the day, lunch break or something, he approached me.\u00a0 He said, \u201cI want to tell you why I skipped your second session.\u00a0 No offense; please be merciful to me.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t offended at anything you were saying.\u201c<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I found myself indicted in what you were saying about affirmation, in the way I treated my 14-year-old son.\u00a0 I have a 14-year-old boy, and for about the last two years we haven\u2019t said a word to each other.\u00a0 It started with some fights, and it just kind of resolved into an uneasy truce where we just kind of avoid each other around the house.\u00a0 There\u2019s a few grunts, but that\u2019s it.\u00a0 We just don\u2019t talk; we haven\u2019t talked for two years.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI knew it\u2019s because I\u2019m on his case all the time, all the time.\u00a0 Criticize, correct.\u00a0 I\u2019m finding fault, I wish he could do better, I know he can do better.\u00a0 And so I went to the phone during the break, resolved \u2018I\u2019m not going to criticize him, I\u2019m going to tell him the stuff I just said to you.\u00a0 He can do good.\u00a0 My son has potential.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen it in him, and I\u2019m just going to tell him that.\u2019\u201c<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo I called him.\u00a0 I said that, and he started talking to me, and he talked for 45 minutes.\u201d\u00a0 And he said, \u201cI wasn\u2019t going to hang up and come back to your session when my son was talking to me.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s one phone call with one resolve, \u201cI\u2019m not going to criticize on this phone call.\u00a0 I\u2019m just going to commend,\u201d and it opened a floodgate of communication between a dad and his 14-year-old.\u00a0 It\u2019s powerful.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sam, you\u2019re a pastor of a church.\u00a0 You have to see this in action.\u00a0 You serve as the Executive Pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in the Twin Cities area, and have done that since 1997, so you\u2019ve seen an enormous number of parishioners come and go in the church.\u00a0 There\u2019s a word that we use that\u2019s kind of a biblical word, but it really encapsulates what we\u2019re talking about here.<\/p>\n<p>The word is edify.\u00a0 We were called by God to edify, which means to build up another.\u00a0 And that\u2019s really what God is calling us to here, in affirming one another isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, man.\u00a0 Good word.\u00a0 Edify \u2013 a good word, calling is a good word.\u00a0 If a Christian out there who is listening says \u201cI don\u2019t know if there\u2019s a calling on my life.\u201d\u00a0 There is, and it\u2019s in 1 Peter 3:9.\u00a0 It says, \u201cDo not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary bless, for to this you were called that you may obtain a blessing.\u201d\u00a0 So you get a blessing if you do blessing, and you\u2019re called to this kind of edification.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re right.\u00a0 As a pastor I see it all the time.\u00a0 I keep in my upper right desk drawer stacks of cards and envelopes, and I send notes regularly.\u00a0 This last weekend there was a boy singing in the choir and he was so enthusiastic and attentive and reverential, so I just wrote him a note with some of those adjectives in there, sent him that note.<\/p>\n<p>I hear back years later from kids like that who have gotten a note from the Executive Pastor, and it\u2019s still on the mirror in their bedroom, it\u2019s still on the corkboard on their closet door.\u00a0 It matters a lot to them.\u00a0 And the same with staff.\u00a0 You know the statistics, which I can\u2019t recite.\u00a0 Staff leave positions because they don\u2019t feel appreciated --<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 -- more than because of pay or benefits or other things.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Proverbs 11:25 says, \u201cHe who refreshes others\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWill himself \u2013<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201c-- will himself be refreshed.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting \u2013 Bob\u2019s right.\u00a0 I do like to affirm other people.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s a spiritual gift of mine, but I don\u2019t find that I have to force myself to do it, except when I was raising teenagers.\u00a0 That was a challenging time, but we all love a good word.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And it is so encouraging and uplifting and hope-giving to \u201cYou know, I think I can go at this for another day,\u201d and that\u2019s what a positive word can do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Especially if it\u2019s God-centered.\u00a0 I\u2019m not talking about a cheerleading pep talk like, \u201cGo, go, go, Dennis!\u00a0 You can do another day.\u00a0 You can do another day!\u201d\u00a0 But, \u201cGod used you today to teach me something from the Bible.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and I want to talk about two relationships in life that I think are pretty unnatural for us to give affirmation to.\u00a0 The first one is, I believe, to our children.\u00a0 And to have you address this issue, I\u2019m going to take you back to when you were a boy.\u00a0 Do you remember a word that was like what Bob talked about, you\u2019ve never forgotten it, that your dad said to you as a young man growing up that affirmed you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t as specific as I\u2019d like him to be, but he did say, \u201cGood job, son.\u00a0 Good job, son,\u201d so if we . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 For what?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 If we shoveled the snow, if we hauled the groceries in from the car, something like that.\u00a0 \u201cGood job, son.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So as you became a parent, this was a bit against the replays in your mind of what you had seen as a boy growing up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and what deepened the emotional intensity for me is that in my late teen years I started to disagree with my dad \u2013 not verbally, not outwardly, but inside.\u00a0 There were some things that my dad did that bugged me, disappointed me, and I wish he would have been more verbal then, than he was when I was eight years old or nine years old, ten years old, somewhere in there.<\/p>\n<p>When I was a teenager, and really struggling with all kinds of identity issues \u2013 what am I going to be? Is my parents\u2019 Christian faith my Christian faith?\u00a0 What am I going to pursue for a life\u2019s work?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 How should I interact with women?\u00a0 All those kinds of things.\u00a0 My dad was mainly back in there \u2013 and I need to say this here:\u00a0 I thank God for my dad.\u00a0 My dad was a profound blessing in my life.\u00a0 Many things I attribute to him that I learned that I would be eager for my grandchildren to learn, and so on.\u00a0 But there was a phase in there where he was more on my case than he was affirming me, and it really put a wedge between us there for quite some time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you know it\u2019s easy to do, because teenage boys \u2013 let\u2019s just pick on them for a moment \u2013 they\u2019re filled with self.\u00a0 There\u2019s new hard-wiring that\u2019s coming into play where they\u2019re lust-driven.\u00a0 There are lots of emotions flowing, and at points they can be unlikeable.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, boy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And yet they are filled with self-doubt, and it doesn\u2019t come across with a neon sign saying, \u201cWould someone please affirm me as having purpose, as being a person of value, as there being a plan for my life?\u201d\u00a0 They don\u2019t tell us that.\u00a0 In fact, most of the behavior communicates to us, \u201cI don\u2019t need you, I don\u2019t like you, I want you out of my life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a mistake.\u201d\u00a0 I think a lot of young men, and I struggled with this for a while, thinking . . .\u00a0 You know, I\u2019d look in the mirror and there was a great big \u201cR\u201d branded on my forehead.\u00a0 It means \u201cREJECT.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 None of the . . . \u201cI\u2019m not going to ask any girl to go out with me because she might REJECT me, because there\u2019s better guys around.\u00a0 I look around and I can see them.\u00a0 And maybe God\u2019s not happy with me because of all my sin, all my failures.\u00a0 I\u2019ve made these good resolutions; I started to read the Bible again this year, and I\u2019m already behind, and God\u2019s probably not happy with me, and I\u2019ve let my parents down, and . . .\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yes, I think you\u2019re exactly right.\u00a0 A lot of men become insecure, passive, because \u201cI\u2019ve just blown it so bad.\u00a0 I\u2019m just a big reject.\u201d\u00a0 And they need some encouragement.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 One thing I haven\u2019t heard you address in this context is the question of whether mixing affirmation with correction is a good way to go or not.\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019m imagining, I\u2019m thinking of my son, and thinking, I could go home today and say, \u201cYou know, son, there\u2019s a lot that I could commend you for.\u00a0 There\u2019s this, and there\u2019s this, and there\u2019s this.\u00a0 You really are an outstanding young man.\u00a0 You know there are some things, though that we\u2019ve talked about, but really you are, you\u2019re a fine young man.\u201d\u00a0 So I\u2019ve affirmed, and I\u2019ve tried to do it on both ends, and I snuck in a little teaching in the middle.\u00a0 Is that a good thing to do or not?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ah-h-h, well, it would . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sam calls this an \u201cencouragement sandwich,\u201d where the criticism is sandwiched in between the compliments.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and though I would say it\u2019s better than no encouragement, no affirmation, no commendation, it\u2019s better than none . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 . . . it tends to fail, because the meat in the middle of the sandwich, the cr\u00e8me in the middle of the cookie, there, wipes out what you just said.\u00a0 Because once you lower the boom, the person, your son, starts inside \u2013 internally, he\u2019s working on that.\u00a0 He\u2019s thinking, \u201cWell, wait a minute now, Dad.\u00a0 That wasn\u2019t quite fair.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t understand everything, or I was running behind, or everybody else does this.\u201d\u00a0 He\u2019s got his reasons, and then when you give your follow-up commendation he\u2019s not listening.\u00a0 He\u2019s tuned you out.<\/p>\n<p>So there was a manager who used this method with his employees, and the only time he commended them was when he was going to lower the boom about something.\u00a0 He congratulated himself on the sandwich method, and his employees began to call it the bologna sandwich.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Because the only time \u2013 \u201cOkay, here it comes.\u00a0 He\u2019s spreading it on.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 With jalapenos on it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, it\u2019s going to be a hot one.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I hear you saying there better be plenty of times when all we do is affirm.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it\u2019s better when it stands alone and it\u2019s just the steady drumbeat of how we talk to each other.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If we do need to correct or if we do need to point something out, do we put it in the sandwich or do we just sit down and say, \u201cSon, I need to talk to you about something.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I\u2019m not inclined to mix it with much affirmation.\u00a0 I mean, there could be some affirmation that\u2019s appropriate in the moment \u2013 \u201cThank you for giving me your attention right now as we talk about this important thing.\u201d\u00a0 That would be an appropriate affirmation to give right then.\u00a0 But I wouldn\u2019t back up and say, \u201cYou know, I appreciated the way you cleaned up your room a few weeks ago, and oh, by the way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You left the garage door open \u2013 right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it just gets cancelled out.\u00a0 It\u2019s a very pragmatic response on my part, here, but it just doesn\u2019t work.\u00a0 It empties the value out of it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If I say to him, \u201cYou know, son, your mom and I both appreciate the fact that in general we don\u2019t have a whole lot of problem with you.\u00a0 I mean, you\u2019re a good son, you\u2019re obedient.\u00a0 We do appreciate that about you.\u00a0 There\u2019s something I need to talk to you about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m just imagining that maybe sometimes if you come to your son and you say, \u201cLook, I need to talk to you about something,\u201d he can feel like, \u201cWell, don\u2019t you even know \u2013 I mean, I\u2019m trying as hard as I can and all you seem to pick is the one spot on my shirt that gets wrinkled from time to time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure, sure.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s important to set a whole context.\u00a0 But what I am saying, also, is that all that context can\u2019t be set in that moment.\u00a0 You should have been setting that context all along.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 It should just be part of the life pattern.\u00a0 It\u2019s part of our relationship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 My son knows I\u2019m pleased with him because I\u2019ve told him on other occasions repeatedly, not just two times in the last year.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s the way I think about the proportionality between affirmation, which is upbuilding and edifying, to use your word, and criticism or correction, which is so draining to a relationship.\u00a0 What\u2019s the right number?\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t think about a number.\u00a0 I think about what is my reputation in the eyes of the person I\u2019m talking to?\u00a0 So if I come at someone and they think, \u201cOh, here comes bad news,\u201d I\u2019ve got work to do in terms of being more affirming in my relationship with that person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, you wrote about this in your book, and you talked about it\u2019s not a matter of counting the number of affirmations compared to corrections or admonishment or whatever the negative might be.\u00a0 It\u2019s that the tenor and the flavor of the relationship is known by affirmation.<\/p>\n<p>You know, when things are going pretty well that\u2019s easier to do than in those teenage years where a good bit of the behavior stinks, you know, I mean truthfully, alright?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes, and love has to be truthful.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 But that\u2019s what we\u2019re calling people to do.\u00a0 Let me move to the other relationship that I want you to comment on here.\u00a0 And to do that, I want to go all the way back to the Ten Commandments.\u00a0 The fifth commandment says, \u201cHonor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As I was reading your book and thinking about it, I was thinking if there is a place we have withheld affirmation, it\u2019s with our parents.\u00a0 The word \u201chonor\u201d here means \u201cto be heavy or lay a weight of honor\u201d upon your parents.\u00a0 Words of honor and value and esteem can lay it on your parents.<\/p>\n<p>God in His infinite wisdom, the first human relationship he addresses in the Ten Commandments goes to our relationship backwards to our parents.\u00a0 Comment on the need that parents have, because now you are one.\u00a0 You\u2019re done; you\u2019ve raised the kids.\u00a0 They\u2019re out the door, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 And if anyone ever questions himself about anything in his life, it\u2019s how he raised his children \u2013<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bingo.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 -- because they inherit our character flaws, our sin nature.\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019ve told my kids, \u201cYou\u2019re messed up royally because you\u2019re my kids.\u00a0 I just pray for grace all the time that God would overcome the flaws that are in your dad.\u201d\u00a0 But let me go back to what I was saying about my dad earlier, when I said he and I had this thing in my late teenage years.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m dead serious when I say I thank God for my dad.\u00a0 For example, one of the things that he taught us that was a little painful back then was \u201cno\u201d means \u201cno,\u201d which is what Jesus taught.\u00a0 \u201cLet your yes be yes, let your no be no.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cNo\u201d doesn\u2019t mean \u201cwell, let\u2019s renegotiate this,\u201d or \u201clet\u2019s whine,\u201d or \u201clet\u2019s sulk.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cNo\u201d means \u201cno.\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s the next topic?<\/p>\n<p>I am so glad he taught that, and I just think there\u2019s a plague on American parenting from parents who say \u201cno,\u201d and it doesn\u2019t mean \u201cno.\u201d\u00a0 It means \u201cWhine a little longer and maybe I\u2019ll cave in,\u201d or something.\u00a0 But I bless God that he gave me a dad who made \u201cno\u201d mean \u201cno.\u201d\u00a0 If he said \u201cno,\u201d that\u2019s it.<\/p>\n<p>Another thing that he taught us I\u2019ve called the Principle of Pre-emption.\u00a0 That is, the way you show that something is important is by what it will interrupt.\u00a0 And so he would come in.\u00a0 We\u2019d maybe be watching some who-done-it on TV, some detective show, and they\u2019re just coming up to the point where they\u2019re going to solve the mystery and you\u2019ll find out who killed them, and Dad would walk in and click \u2013 turn it off and say, \u201cIt\u2019s time for Bible,\u201d and --<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was very irritated, and I don\u2019t recommend, I don\u2019t recommend that.\u00a0 But he was self-consciously doing was saying \u201cThe more important thing interrupts the lesser important thing, and to show you what\u2019s important around here, we use that thing to interrupt other things.\u201d\u00a0 Now again, I don\u2019t recommend . . . .<\/p>\n<p>That was one of the things that really irritated me about my Dad at the time, as you can imagine.\u00a0 But what he was trying to do was teach me that important things interrupt other things.\u00a0 That is so useful in life.\u00a0 I thank God for a dad who self-consciously tried to teach us that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sam, is your father still alive?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s been deceased 31 years.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, my dad\u2019s been gone 30, almost 35 years.\u00a0 So I\u2019m with you on that.\u00a0 I so appreciate what you have implored and exhorted and modeled for us to do.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got one last assignment for you before the broadcast is over.\u00a0 What I\u2019m going to ask you to do -- so you can be thinking about this while Bob tells folks how they can get a copy of your book \u2013 I\u2019m going to ask you to come back at the end of the broadcast and give your dad a verbal tribute.<\/p>\n<p>I think perhaps the forgotten commandment out of the Ten Commandments is this one, \u201cHonor your father and your mother that it may go well with you.\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019ve been talking all this week about how \u201cHe who refreshes another will be refreshed.\u201d\u00a0 I know your dad is not here, but I\u2019ll bet, I\u2019ll bet he\u2019s listening.\u00a0 So would you be willing to do that here at the end of the broadcast?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 What an opportunity.\u00a0 Thank you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Before you do that, while you think about what you want to say, let me let our listeners know that they can get a copy of your book <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em> when they go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got it in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center, and it\u2019s a great book to read on your own, to read together as a couple, maybe to go through in a study with other couples or a men\u2019s group or a women\u2019s group.<\/p>\n<p>The book is called <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>, and you can find out more online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Speaking of small group studies, our HomeBuilders<strong>\u00ae<\/strong> series of studies \u2013 these are Bible studies for couples on a variety of subjects in marriage \u2013 they are all available this month at a 25 percent discount.\u00a0 There\u2019s one of them called <em>Building Up Your Spouse<\/em> that\u2019s all about this subject of affirmation.\u00a0 So if you\u2019re interested in going through that study with other couples, now is a good time to order the study guides.<\/p>\n<p>Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com, or call toll-free at 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in Family, \u201cL\u201d as in Life, and then the word \u201cToday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now we want to take just a minute and say thanks to those of you who have gotten in touch with us this month to help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong>.\u00a0 We are listener-supported and we are hearing this month from some new listeners, and from some folks who have been listening a while but have just never gotten around to it to call or to go online and make a donation.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s great to hear from you folks.\u00a0 In fact, we\u2019re keeping a little thermometer on our website because we\u2019ve got a goal of trying to hear from 2000 new listeners this month.\u00a0 So you can check out and see how we\u2019re doing in relationship to that goal.<\/p>\n<p>And if you are making a first-time donation this month to support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and if you can make a donation of $100 or more, we\u2019d like to say thank you by sending you a certificate so that you and your spouse or another couple you know can attend one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong> marriage getaways as our guest.\u00a0 The certificate covers the registration cost, and again, it\u2019s our gift to you if you\u2019re able to make a first-time donation to support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> of at least $100 or more.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re making your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, type the word HUNDRED into the key code box online, or call 1-800-FLTODAY and make your donation over the phone, and just ask about how you can receive that certificate for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 We\u2019ll get it out to you, and we do appreciate your financial support, and we appreciate all of the new listeners who are helping to support the ministry this month as well.\u00a0 Dennis.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just pretend Bob and I are no longer in the studio, and it\u2019s you seated at the table, and across the table is your dad.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to give you a chance here to practically affirm him.\u00a0 What would you say to him?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I thank God for you, Dad.\u00a0 You\u2019re one of the most profound influences in my life, so shaping of me, and He\u2019s used you for way more good than the sin I inherited from you or whatever.\u00a0 I want to thank God that you were humble enough to acknowledge your own sin.\u00a0 You never pretended that you were perfect.<\/p>\n<p>I remember you telling us the struggle you had as a young soldier in World War II to quit smoking, how difficult it was for you, and how it gave you grace for others who were struggling in some area of their own sanctification.\u00a0\u00a0 It gave you a lot of patience with other people in that regard.<\/p>\n<p>I thank you that you always loved our mother.\u00a0 There was no mistake about that, and I\u2019m so glad you loved Mom deeply and enjoyed her, and she enjoyed you.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m grateful that you taught us faithfully to go to the House of the Lord.\u00a0 You took us seven children to church faithfully.\u00a0 We were there usually early, and usually we were among the last to leave, and if there was a service we were there, and if there were special meetings we were there, and if we\u2019re going to be singing a song, we\u2019re not going to mumble.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to sing the song, and I\u2019m grateful that you were all of those things.<\/p>\n<p>Thank you for honoring your dad that I never met.\u00a0 Thank you for honoring his dad, that of course I never met.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad that you were a family man, a hard-working man.\u00a0 Thanks for affirming your boys by playing catch with us.\u00a0 You gave us time when I know you came home from work weary, and yet we\u2019re going to throw the football around until the sun goes down and Mom calls us in for supper.<\/p>\n<p>So thanks for being that kind of a dad.\u00a0 Dad, I really thank God for you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n"],"duration":["00:"],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["22.95M"],"filesize_raw":["24065666"],"_edit_lock":["1738169457:47000"],"_edit_last":["47000"],"theme_header_position":["Sticky"],"post_header_is_sticky":["default"],"is_header_overlay":["0"],"episode_type":["audio"],"date_recorded":["2011-08-24 11:00:00"],"enclosure":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-24.mp3"],"_seopress_redirections_type":["301"],"_seopress_redirections_logged_status":["both"],"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":[""],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302348.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302348.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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of encouragement linger sweetly in your ear.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-24.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You may have heard people say, \u201cYou need to say ten kind things for every hard thing you\u2019re going to tell somebody else.\u201d\u00a0 Sam Crabtree says there\u2019s more to it than just doing the math.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s the way I think about the proportionality between affirmation, which is upbuilding and edifying, and criticism or correction, which is so draining to a relationship.\u00a0 What is the right number?\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t think about a number.\u00a0 I think about what is my reputation in the eyes of the person I\u2019m talking to.\u00a0 So if come at someone and they think, \u201cOh, here comes bad news,\u201d I\u2019ve got work to do in terms of being more affirming.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong> for Wednesday, August 24<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<strong>\u00ae<\/strong>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 What would people say about you?\u00a0 Are you a gracious and affirming person, or a harsh and critical person?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to explore that today.<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You know, I would guess if we had all our listeners sitting around the table with us and we said to them, \u201cCan you think of a time in your life when somebody said something to you positive, affirming, something that encouraged you?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I would bet that everybody listening could come up with something almost instantly that is, if you\u2019re old enough, it\u2019s ten or twenty or thirty or forty years old, but you\u2019ve never forgotten it.\u00a0 You can\u2019t forget it; it\u2019s like it happened yesterday.\u00a0 There\u2019s such power in it.\u00a0 In fact, I don\u2019t know if our listeners know this, but this is something that routinely I\u2019ve observed you doing, where you\u2019ll walk up to somebody and --<\/p>\n<p>I remember you talking about seeing a young man at a gas station one time, somebody from your son\u2019s school I think.\u00a0 And you just went up and put your hand on his shoulder and said, \u201cYou know, I think God has a great future for you.\u201d\u00a0 The power of something like that \u2013 I\u2019m guessing that if we could dial that guy up ten years later, he\u2019d remember that moment in the gas station.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it is interesting how positive words and negative words stick in our soul.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been reminded of that all this week by Sam Crabtree, about the importance of affirmation.\u00a0 Sam, welcome back, and thanks for your fine book, <em>Practicing Affirmation.<\/em>\u00a0 I really have enjoyed this conversation.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Me too.\u00a0 Let me just underscore what you\u2019re saying about not just the importance of affirmation, but the power of affirmation.\u00a0 A few years ago I was talking about this very subject to some Campus Crusade for Christ staff gathered from five states or something, and I talked about this subject and then we took a break.<\/p>\n<p>We came back for the next section and I noticed a guy who was right down in the front here was missing.\u00a0 His chair was empty.\u00a0 Later in the day, lunch break or something, he approached me.\u00a0 He said, \u201cI want to tell you why I skipped your second session.\u00a0 No offense; please be merciful to me.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t offended at anything you were saying.\u201c<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut I found myself indicted in what you were saying about affirmation, in the way I treated my 14-year-old son.\u00a0 I have a 14-year-old boy, and for about the last two years we haven\u2019t said a word to each other.\u00a0 It started with some fights, and it just kind of resolved into an uneasy truce where we just kind of avoid each other around the house.\u00a0 There\u2019s a few grunts, but that\u2019s it.\u00a0 We just don\u2019t talk; we haven\u2019t talked for two years.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI knew it\u2019s because I\u2019m on his case all the time, all the time.\u00a0 Criticize, correct.\u00a0 I\u2019m finding fault, I wish he could do better, I know he can do better.\u00a0 And so I went to the phone during the break, resolved \u2018I\u2019m not going to criticize him, I\u2019m going to tell him the stuff I just said to you.\u00a0 He can do good.\u00a0 My son has potential.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen it in him, and I\u2019m just going to tell him that.\u2019\u201c<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo I called him.\u00a0 I said that, and he started talking to me, and he talked for 45 minutes.\u201d\u00a0 And he said, \u201cI wasn\u2019t going to hang up and come back to your session when my son was talking to me.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s one phone call with one resolve, \u201cI\u2019m not going to criticize on this phone call.\u00a0 I\u2019m just going to commend,\u201d and it opened a floodgate of communication between a dad and his 14-year-old.\u00a0 It\u2019s powerful.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sam, you\u2019re a pastor of a church.\u00a0 You have to see this in action.\u00a0 You serve as the Executive Pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in the Twin Cities area, and have done that since 1997, so you\u2019ve seen an enormous number of parishioners come and go in the church.\u00a0 There\u2019s a word that we use that\u2019s kind of a biblical word, but it really encapsulates what we\u2019re talking about here.<\/p>\n<p>The word is edify.\u00a0 We were called by God to edify, which means to build up another.\u00a0 And that\u2019s really what God is calling us to here, in affirming one another isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, man.\u00a0 Good word.\u00a0 Edify \u2013 a good word, calling is a good word.\u00a0 If a Christian out there who is listening says \u201cI don\u2019t know if there\u2019s a calling on my life.\u201d\u00a0 There is, and it\u2019s in 1 Peter 3:9.\u00a0 It says, \u201cDo not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary bless, for to this you were called that you may obtain a blessing.\u201d\u00a0 So you get a blessing if you do blessing, and you\u2019re called to this kind of edification.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re right.\u00a0 As a pastor I see it all the time.\u00a0 I keep in my upper right desk drawer stacks of cards and envelopes, and I send notes regularly.\u00a0 This last weekend there was a boy singing in the choir and he was so enthusiastic and attentive and reverential, so I just wrote him a note with some of those adjectives in there, sent him that note.<\/p>\n<p>I hear back years later from kids like that who have gotten a note from the Executive Pastor, and it\u2019s still on the mirror in their bedroom, it\u2019s still on the corkboard on their closet door.\u00a0 It matters a lot to them.\u00a0 And the same with staff.\u00a0 You know the statistics, which I can\u2019t recite.\u00a0 Staff leave positions because they don\u2019t feel appreciated --<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 -- more than because of pay or benefits or other things.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Proverbs 11:25 says, \u201cHe who refreshes others\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWill himself \u2013<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201c-- will himself be refreshed.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting \u2013 Bob\u2019s right.\u00a0 I do like to affirm other people.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s a spiritual gift of mine, but I don\u2019t find that I have to force myself to do it, except when I was raising teenagers.\u00a0 That was a challenging time, but we all love a good word.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And it is so encouraging and uplifting and hope-giving to \u201cYou know, I think I can go at this for another day,\u201d and that\u2019s what a positive word can do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Especially if it\u2019s God-centered.\u00a0 I\u2019m not talking about a cheerleading pep talk like, \u201cGo, go, go, Dennis!\u00a0 You can do another day.\u00a0 You can do another day!\u201d\u00a0 But, \u201cGod used you today to teach me something from the Bible.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and I want to talk about two relationships in life that I think are pretty unnatural for us to give affirmation to.\u00a0 The first one is, I believe, to our children.\u00a0 And to have you address this issue, I\u2019m going to take you back to when you were a boy.\u00a0 Do you remember a word that was like what Bob talked about, you\u2019ve never forgotten it, that your dad said to you as a young man growing up that affirmed you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t as specific as I\u2019d like him to be, but he did say, \u201cGood job, son.\u00a0 Good job, son,\u201d so if we . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 For what?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 If we shoveled the snow, if we hauled the groceries in from the car, something like that.\u00a0 \u201cGood job, son.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So as you became a parent, this was a bit against the replays in your mind of what you had seen as a boy growing up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and what deepened the emotional intensity for me is that in my late teen years I started to disagree with my dad \u2013 not verbally, not outwardly, but inside.\u00a0 There were some things that my dad did that bugged me, disappointed me, and I wish he would have been more verbal then, than he was when I was eight years old or nine years old, ten years old, somewhere in there.<\/p>\n<p>When I was a teenager, and really struggling with all kinds of identity issues \u2013 what am I going to be? Is my parents\u2019 Christian faith my Christian faith?\u00a0 What am I going to pursue for a life\u2019s work?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 How should I interact with women?\u00a0 All those kinds of things.\u00a0 My dad was mainly back in there \u2013 and I need to say this here:\u00a0 I thank God for my dad.\u00a0 My dad was a profound blessing in my life.\u00a0 Many things I attribute to him that I learned that I would be eager for my grandchildren to learn, and so on.\u00a0 But there was a phase in there where he was more on my case than he was affirming me, and it really put a wedge between us there for quite some time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you know it\u2019s easy to do, because teenage boys \u2013 let\u2019s just pick on them for a moment \u2013 they\u2019re filled with self.\u00a0 There\u2019s new hard-wiring that\u2019s coming into play where they\u2019re lust-driven.\u00a0 There are lots of emotions flowing, and at points they can be unlikeable.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, boy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And yet they are filled with self-doubt, and it doesn\u2019t come across with a neon sign saying, \u201cWould someone please affirm me as having purpose, as being a person of value, as there being a plan for my life?\u201d\u00a0 They don\u2019t tell us that.\u00a0 In fact, most of the behavior communicates to us, \u201cI don\u2019t need you, I don\u2019t like you, I want you out of my life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a mistake.\u201d\u00a0 I think a lot of young men, and I struggled with this for a while, thinking . . .\u00a0 You know, I\u2019d look in the mirror and there was a great big \u201cR\u201d branded on my forehead.\u00a0 It means \u201cREJECT.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 None of the . . . \u201cI\u2019m not going to ask any girl to go out with me because she might REJECT me, because there\u2019s better guys around.\u00a0 I look around and I can see them.\u00a0 And maybe God\u2019s not happy with me because of all my sin, all my failures.\u00a0 I\u2019ve made these good resolutions; I started to read the Bible again this year, and I\u2019m already behind, and God\u2019s probably not happy with me, and I\u2019ve let my parents down, and . . .\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yes, I think you\u2019re exactly right.\u00a0 A lot of men become insecure, passive, because \u201cI\u2019ve just blown it so bad.\u00a0 I\u2019m just a big reject.\u201d\u00a0 And they need some encouragement.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 One thing I haven\u2019t heard you address in this context is the question of whether mixing affirmation with correction is a good way to go or not.\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019m imagining, I\u2019m thinking of my son, and thinking, I could go home today and say, \u201cYou know, son, there\u2019s a lot that I could commend you for.\u00a0 There\u2019s this, and there\u2019s this, and there\u2019s this.\u00a0 You really are an outstanding young man.\u00a0 You know there are some things, though that we\u2019ve talked about, but really you are, you\u2019re a fine young man.\u201d\u00a0 So I\u2019ve affirmed, and I\u2019ve tried to do it on both ends, and I snuck in a little teaching in the middle.\u00a0 Is that a good thing to do or not?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ah-h-h, well, it would . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sam calls this an \u201cencouragement sandwich,\u201d where the criticism is sandwiched in between the compliments.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and though I would say it\u2019s better than no encouragement, no affirmation, no commendation, it\u2019s better than none . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 . . . it tends to fail, because the meat in the middle of the sandwich, the cr\u00e8me in the middle of the cookie, there, wipes out what you just said.\u00a0 Because once you lower the boom, the person, your son, starts inside \u2013 internally, he\u2019s working on that.\u00a0 He\u2019s thinking, \u201cWell, wait a minute now, Dad.\u00a0 That wasn\u2019t quite fair.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t understand everything, or I was running behind, or everybody else does this.\u201d\u00a0 He\u2019s got his reasons, and then when you give your follow-up commendation he\u2019s not listening.\u00a0 He\u2019s tuned you out.<\/p>\n<p>So there was a manager who used this method with his employees, and the only time he commended them was when he was going to lower the boom about something.\u00a0 He congratulated himself on the sandwich method, and his employees began to call it the bologna sandwich.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Because the only time \u2013 \u201cOkay, here it comes.\u00a0 He\u2019s spreading it on.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 With jalapenos on it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, it\u2019s going to be a hot one.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I hear you saying there better be plenty of times when all we do is affirm.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it\u2019s better when it stands alone and it\u2019s just the steady drumbeat of how we talk to each other.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If we do need to correct or if we do need to point something out, do we put it in the sandwich or do we just sit down and say, \u201cSon, I need to talk to you about something.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I\u2019m not inclined to mix it with much affirmation.\u00a0 I mean, there could be some affirmation that\u2019s appropriate in the moment \u2013 \u201cThank you for giving me your attention right now as we talk about this important thing.\u201d\u00a0 That would be an appropriate affirmation to give right then.\u00a0 But I wouldn\u2019t back up and say, \u201cYou know, I appreciated the way you cleaned up your room a few weeks ago, and oh, by the way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You left the garage door open \u2013 right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it just gets cancelled out.\u00a0 It\u2019s a very pragmatic response on my part, here, but it just doesn\u2019t work.\u00a0 It empties the value out of it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If I say to him, \u201cYou know, son, your mom and I both appreciate the fact that in general we don\u2019t have a whole lot of problem with you.\u00a0 I mean, you\u2019re a good son, you\u2019re obedient.\u00a0 We do appreciate that about you.\u00a0 There\u2019s something I need to talk to you about.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m just imagining that maybe sometimes if you come to your son and you say, \u201cLook, I need to talk to you about something,\u201d he can feel like, \u201cWell, don\u2019t you even know \u2013 I mean, I\u2019m trying as hard as I can and all you seem to pick is the one spot on my shirt that gets wrinkled from time to time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure, sure.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s important to set a whole context.\u00a0 But what I am saying, also, is that all that context can\u2019t be set in that moment.\u00a0 You should have been setting that context all along.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 It should just be part of the life pattern.\u00a0 It\u2019s part of our relationship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 My son knows I\u2019m pleased with him because I\u2019ve told him on other occasions repeatedly, not just two times in the last year.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s the way I think about the proportionality between affirmation, which is upbuilding and edifying, to use your word, and criticism or correction, which is so draining to a relationship.\u00a0 What\u2019s the right number?\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t think about a number.\u00a0 I think about what is my reputation in the eyes of the person I\u2019m talking to?\u00a0 So if I come at someone and they think, \u201cOh, here comes bad news,\u201d I\u2019ve got work to do in terms of being more affirming in my relationship with that person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, you wrote about this in your book, and you talked about it\u2019s not a matter of counting the number of affirmations compared to corrections or admonishment or whatever the negative might be.\u00a0 It\u2019s that the tenor and the flavor of the relationship is known by affirmation.<\/p>\n<p>You know, when things are going pretty well that\u2019s easier to do than in those teenage years where a good bit of the behavior stinks, you know, I mean truthfully, alright?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes, and love has to be truthful.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 But that\u2019s what we\u2019re calling people to do.\u00a0 Let me move to the other relationship that I want you to comment on here.\u00a0 And to do that, I want to go all the way back to the Ten Commandments.\u00a0 The fifth commandment says, \u201cHonor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As I was reading your book and thinking about it, I was thinking if there is a place we have withheld affirmation, it\u2019s with our parents.\u00a0 The word \u201chonor\u201d here means \u201cto be heavy or lay a weight of honor\u201d upon your parents.\u00a0 Words of honor and value and esteem can lay it on your parents.<\/p>\n<p>God in His infinite wisdom, the first human relationship he addresses in the Ten Commandments goes to our relationship backwards to our parents.\u00a0 Comment on the need that parents have, because now you are one.\u00a0 You\u2019re done; you\u2019ve raised the kids.\u00a0 They\u2019re out the door, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 And if anyone ever questions himself about anything in his life, it\u2019s how he raised his children \u2013<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bingo.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 -- because they inherit our character flaws, our sin nature.\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019ve told my kids, \u201cYou\u2019re messed up royally because you\u2019re my kids.\u00a0 I just pray for grace all the time that God would overcome the flaws that are in your dad.\u201d\u00a0 But let me go back to what I was saying about my dad earlier, when I said he and I had this thing in my late teenage years.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m dead serious when I say I thank God for my dad.\u00a0 For example, one of the things that he taught us that was a little painful back then was \u201cno\u201d means \u201cno,\u201d which is what Jesus taught.\u00a0 \u201cLet your yes be yes, let your no be no.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cNo\u201d doesn\u2019t mean \u201cwell, let\u2019s renegotiate this,\u201d or \u201clet\u2019s whine,\u201d or \u201clet\u2019s sulk.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cNo\u201d means \u201cno.\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s the next topic?<\/p>\n<p>I am so glad he taught that, and I just think there\u2019s a plague on American parenting from parents who say \u201cno,\u201d and it doesn\u2019t mean \u201cno.\u201d\u00a0 It means \u201cWhine a little longer and maybe I\u2019ll cave in,\u201d or something.\u00a0 But I bless God that he gave me a dad who made \u201cno\u201d mean \u201cno.\u201d\u00a0 If he said \u201cno,\u201d that\u2019s it.<\/p>\n<p>Another thing that he taught us I\u2019ve called the Principle of Pre-emption.\u00a0 That is, the way you show that something is important is by what it will interrupt.\u00a0 And so he would come in.\u00a0 We\u2019d maybe be watching some who-done-it on TV, some detective show, and they\u2019re just coming up to the point where they\u2019re going to solve the mystery and you\u2019ll find out who killed them, and Dad would walk in and click \u2013 turn it off and say, \u201cIt\u2019s time for Bible,\u201d and --<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was very irritated, and I don\u2019t recommend, I don\u2019t recommend that.\u00a0 But he was self-consciously doing was saying \u201cThe more important thing interrupts the lesser important thing, and to show you what\u2019s important around here, we use that thing to interrupt other things.\u201d\u00a0 Now again, I don\u2019t recommend . . . .<\/p>\n<p>That was one of the things that really irritated me about my Dad at the time, as you can imagine.\u00a0 But what he was trying to do was teach me that important things interrupt other things.\u00a0 That is so useful in life.\u00a0 I thank God for a dad who self-consciously tried to teach us that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sam, is your father still alive?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s been deceased 31 years.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, my dad\u2019s been gone 30, almost 35 years.\u00a0 So I\u2019m with you on that.\u00a0 I so appreciate what you have implored and exhorted and modeled for us to do.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got one last assignment for you before the broadcast is over.\u00a0 What I\u2019m going to ask you to do -- so you can be thinking about this while Bob tells folks how they can get a copy of your book \u2013 I\u2019m going to ask you to come back at the end of the broadcast and give your dad a verbal tribute.<\/p>\n<p>I think perhaps the forgotten commandment out of the Ten Commandments is this one, \u201cHonor your father and your mother that it may go well with you.\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019ve been talking all this week about how \u201cHe who refreshes another will be refreshed.\u201d\u00a0 I know your dad is not here, but I\u2019ll bet, I\u2019ll bet he\u2019s listening.\u00a0 So would you be willing to do that here at the end of the broadcast?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 What an opportunity.\u00a0 Thank you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Before you do that, while you think about what you want to say, let me let our listeners know that they can get a copy of your book <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em> when they go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got it in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center, and it\u2019s a great book to read on your own, to read together as a couple, maybe to go through in a study with other couples or a men\u2019s group or a women\u2019s group.<\/p>\n<p>The book is called <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>, and you can find out more online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Speaking of small group studies, our HomeBuilders<strong>\u00ae<\/strong> series of studies \u2013 these are Bible studies for couples on a variety of subjects in marriage \u2013 they are all available this month at a 25 percent discount.\u00a0 There\u2019s one of them called <em>Building Up Your Spouse<\/em> that\u2019s all about this subject of affirmation.\u00a0 So if you\u2019re interested in going through that study with other couples, now is a good time to order the study guides.<\/p>\n<p>Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com, or call toll-free at 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in Family, \u201cL\u201d as in Life, and then the word \u201cToday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now we want to take just a minute and say thanks to those of you who have gotten in touch with us this month to help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong>.\u00a0 We are listener-supported and we are hearing this month from some new listeners, and from some folks who have been listening a while but have just never gotten around to it to call or to go online and make a donation.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s great to hear from you folks.\u00a0 In fact, we\u2019re keeping a little thermometer on our website because we\u2019ve got a goal of trying to hear from 2000 new listeners this month.\u00a0 So you can check out and see how we\u2019re doing in relationship to that goal.<\/p>\n<p>And if you are making a first-time donation this month to support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and if you can make a donation of $100 or more, we\u2019d like to say thank you by sending you a certificate so that you and your spouse or another couple you know can attend one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong> marriage getaways as our guest.\u00a0 The certificate covers the registration cost, and again, it\u2019s our gift to you if you\u2019re able to make a first-time donation to support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> of at least $100 or more.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re making your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, type the word HUNDRED into the key code box online, or call 1-800-FLTODAY and make your donation over the phone, and just ask about how you can receive that certificate for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 We\u2019ll get it out to you, and we do appreciate your financial support, and we appreciate all of the new listeners who are helping to support the ministry this month as well.\u00a0 Dennis.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just pretend Bob and I are no longer in the studio, and it\u2019s you seated at the table, and across the table is your dad.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to give you a chance here to practically affirm him.\u00a0 What would you say to him?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I thank God for you, Dad.\u00a0 You\u2019re one of the most profound influences in my life, so shaping of me, and He\u2019s used you for way more good than the sin I inherited from you or whatever.\u00a0 I want to thank God that you were humble enough to acknowledge your own sin.\u00a0 You never pretended that you were perfect.<\/p>\n<p>I remember you telling us the struggle you had as a young soldier in World War II to quit smoking, how difficult it was for you, and how it gave you grace for others who were struggling in some area of their own sanctification.\u00a0\u00a0 It gave you a lot of patience with other people in that regard.<\/p>\n<p>I thank you that you always loved our mother.\u00a0 There was no mistake about that, and I\u2019m so glad you loved Mom deeply and enjoyed her, and she enjoyed you.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m grateful that you taught us faithfully to go to the House of the Lord.\u00a0 You took us seven children to church faithfully.\u00a0 We were there usually early, and usually we were among the last to leave, and if there was a service we were there, and if there were special meetings we were there, and if we\u2019re going to be singing a song, we\u2019re not going to mumble.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to sing the song, and I\u2019m grateful that you were all of those things.<\/p>\n<p>Thank you for honoring your dad that I never met.\u00a0 Thank you for honoring his dad, that of course I never met.\u00a0 I\u2019m glad that you were a family man, a hard-working man.\u00a0 Thanks for affirming your boys by playing catch with us.\u00a0 You gave us time when I know you came home from work weary, and yet we\u2019re going to throw the football around until the sun goes down and Mom calls us in for supper.<\/p>\n<p>So thanks for being that kind of a dad.\u00a0 Dad, I really thank God for you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302348","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302348"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302348"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302348"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302348"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302348"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302348"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302348"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}