{"id":302347,"date":"2011-08-23T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-08-23T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/commending-the-commendable\/"},"modified":"2025-01-09T14:42:20","modified_gmt":"2025-01-09T19:42:20","slug":"commending-the-commendable","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/commending-the-commendable\/","title":{"rendered":"Commending the Commendable"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Since all of us like praise, then why aren&#8217;t we better at praising others?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Since all of us like praise, then why aren&#8217;t we better at praising others?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-23.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.68M","filesize_raw":"25881284","date_recorded":"2011-08-23 11:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2866],"tags":[4527],"podcast_series":[7819],"cwp_profile":[3358],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302347","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spiritual-disciplines-essentials-faith","tag-communication","podcast_series-practicing-affirmation","cwp_profile-sam-crabtree","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302347\/commending-the-commendable","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302347\/commending-the-commendable","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"jHH8CDZfBr\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/commending-the-commendable\/\">Commending the Commendable<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/commending-the-commendable\/embed\/#?secret=jHH8CDZfBr\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Commending the Commendable&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"jHH8CDZfBr\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-23.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-23.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the book of James, the Bible says that the tongue is \u201clike a fire. It can set ablaze a whole forest.\u201d\u00a0 Sam Crabtree says we need to watch our words.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Proverbs says that a rash word is like a thrust of the sword.\u00a0 Criticism stings.\u00a0 I mean, if you\u2019re smelling a bouquet of flowers and you get stung by a bee, it doesn\u2019t matter how big the bouquet of flowers was.\u00a0 The sting outweighs all that.\u00a0 So an unthoughtful word \u2013 doesn\u2019t even have to be a criticism \u2013 just a thoughtless word \u2013 can cut and wound, and as you know, healing takes longer than wounding.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong> for Tuesday, August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<strong>\u00ae<\/strong>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Are there ways in which you need to train or tame your tongue?\u00a0 I think there are for all of us.\u00a0 That\u2019s what we\u2019re going to talk about today.<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You know how there are certain aha moments that you have in life where you hear something and you go, \u201cI don\u2019t know that I\u2019ve ever thought of that,\u201d and it just clicks and it makes sense and you think, \u201cThat\u2019s wise,\u201d and it sticks with you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember hearing a sermon preached by a mutual friend of all of ours.\u00a0 C.J. Mahaney was preaching a message and he was talking about marking out what he referred to as \u201cevidences of grace\u201d in the lives of other people.\u00a0 He would just say \u201cWe make it a practice among our staff at our church where we will sometimes in staff meetings go around and we will say, \u2018I want to tell you an evidence of grace that I\u2019ve observed in your life.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 And he says, \u201cWe\u2019ll do this as a part of the staff meeting.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>First of all, I\u2019d never heard it expressed as an \u2018evidence of grace,\u2019 but I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s a great expression, because that\u2019s really what it is.\u201d\u00a0 And then I thought, \u201cI want to go to one of those staff meetings.\u00a0 I want to sit in the room and have people come around and say, \u2018Let me tell you something I\u2019ve observed in you.\u2019\u00a0 I want to sit in on one of those meetings.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s just one of those things that stuck with me.\u00a0 I think there have been a handful of things when I\u2019ve seen somebody doing something, and it\u2019s just flashed back, and I\u2019ve gone up to them and said, \u201cCan I just point out that I think this is an evidence of God\u2019s grace in your life,\u201d and talked about whatever it was I\u2019ve observed.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, in all the years you and I have been doing radio . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yeah.\u00a0 He\u2019s about to tell me I\u2019ve never mentioned, I\u2019ve never used the phrase \u201cevidence of grace\u201d with him.\u00a0 That\u2019s where you\u2019re going.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was not going to say that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s good self-restraint, Dennis.\u00a0 Self-control there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was not going to say that. I\u2019m speechless!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry for impugning your character.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m speechless!\u00a0 I was going to . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Will you forgive me?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 I\u2019m not, for awhile.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to hold on to that one.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Going to harbor that one?\u00a0 Alright.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I am.\u00a0 I am.\u00a0 It\u2019s too good.\u00a0 Too good of a catch right here on the radio.\u00a0 Here\u2019s my assignment for you, Bob.\u00a0 In all my years, how many assignments have I give you on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>?\u00a0 It\u2019s been a couple.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You had to go count the straws in your garage one time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 More than I liked, but go ahead.\u00a0 What\u2019s the assignment?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The assignment is, in our next senior leadership team meeting here at FamilyLife when we get together with all the leaders of the ministry, I want you to introduce that concept.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tell the story.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tell the story, and let\u2019s do it.\u00a0 I think that\u2019s a great idea.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 It can work.\u00a0 We recently had a Pastor\u2019s retreat, which we do several times a year, and at this particular one our Senior Pastor, John Piper, was not going to be there.\u00a0 Oh wait, he was at this one.\u00a0 He was at this one.\u00a0 And he asked me if I would lead us in something out of the Word and then relate it to this book, because he knew it was going to be coming out.\u00a0 So we just went around.\u00a0 We said \u201cWe\u2019re not going to stop.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to do this exercise until everybody in the room has had somebody point out something that they see God doing and developing in this other person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 An evidence of grace.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, exactly.\u00a0 It started a little slow, but then somebody broke the ice and pretty soon it flowed.\u00a0 There was weeping with appreciation, people saying deep feelings of how they saw God at work in their companions around the room and their colleagues.\u00a0 It was really healthy, really healthy.\u00a0 But there were people saying, \u201cWe don\u2019t do this enough.\u00a0 We have to do this thing again.\u201d\u00a0 So it can work.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I should probably introduce the . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was thinking the same thing.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 . . . the affirmation cheerleader we have on today\u2019s program.\u00a0 Sam Crabtree is the Executive Pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota where John Piper is Senior Pastor.\u00a0 Sam is the author of the book called <em>Practicing Affirmation.<\/em>\u00a0 This is obviously a passion for you.\u00a0 Has it been a passion throughout your life, or is this something that in recent years you\u2019ve grown in your enthusiasm for?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well I obviously have grown in enthusiasm and in increasing clarity, but it does go way, way back for me.\u00a0 Really there is a thread in me that I think represents the whole human race.\u00a0 We all want to be affirmed.\u00a0 We all want to be appreciated.\u00a0 In fact, I think there is something defective about the person who doesn\u2019t want God Almighty himself to say, \u201cWell done, good and faithful servant.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jesus says on that day when you say, \u201cLord, we didn\u2019t know it was you,\u201d that the response will be \u201cWell done.\u00a0 You did it for the least of these; you have done it for me.\u00a0 Well done.\u00a0 Enter into your rest.\u201d\u00a0 Stop and think of Jesus himself.\u00a0 He\u2019s being baptized, the dove comes down, what does his Father say?\u00a0 \u201cThis is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cHear ye him.\u00a0 Listen to him.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s an affirmation.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And Jesus in his humanity had to smile for a voice from Heaven to say, \u201cThis is my Son.\u00a0 I\u2019m so pleased with how he\u2019s doing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And turn the coin over.\u00a0 He\u2019s so pleased, and in such resonance with His Father, and they\u2019ve got it together.\u00a0 They\u2019ve got a happy relationship; always have had, and He\u2019s going to give that up on the cross and say, \u201cMy God, why have you forsaken me?\u201d\u00a0 And so I think that ratchets up the price of what He did because this affirming and how sweet it is and how endearing it is, and how unifying it is was forfeited on purpose by Jesus on the cross.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, when you take something like this that is so powerful that is clearly something that God wants us to do for one another and encourage one another, there are undoubtedly those, even within the Christian community that raise their hands and say, \u201cHold it.\u00a0 You shouldn\u2019t be praising another person.\u00a0 This is idolatry.\u00a0 You are encouraging someone to be prideful.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And all of a sudden they have pulled the pin out and they\u2019ve popped the balloon of your book, <em>Practicing Affirmation,<\/em> and it\u2019s like we need to be on rations.\u00a0 What would you say to that group of people?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, first of all I appreciate that they are on guard against idolatry.\u00a0 We don\u2019t want to go there.\u00a0 This is not a book about self esteem.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I call it God-centered praise of those who are not God.\u00a0 So I would start there by just saying, \u201cI\u2019m glad you\u2019re on guard.\u00a0 That\u2019s good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>However, not all praise of everything that\u2019s not God is idolatry, because God Himself praises things in the Bible.\u00a0 In fact, there are some things He says exist to be praised, like the noble woman of Proverbs 31: \u201cA good wife is to be praised.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what you\u2019re supposed to do with a good wife, and you\u2019re disobeying God, making an idol out of your paradigm by not praising this noble wife.<\/p>\n<p>So I would say that, and then I would add that \u201cYou\u2019re probably going to pay a price for that practice.\u00a0 In fact, you are paying a price for not affirming people.\u00a0 They are drifting from you; there\u2019s an alienation that\u2019s coming into your relationships. . .\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201c. . . and there are people who just don\u2019t like to be around a person who doesn\u2019t affirm anything that they do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You used an illustration of the Proverbs 31 woman. You\u2019ve been married to Vicky for 38 years.\u00a0 What do you think is the consummate affirmation that she likes to receive?\u00a0 Now this is cool right now, because we\u2019re here in the studio and I can see her face right over your right shoulder.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m going to just look at her face as you answer the question, and I\u2019ll find out if 38 years has taught you what affirms your wife.<\/p>\n<p>No pressure, though, Sam!\u00a0 No pressure.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And we\u2019ll be right back after this commercial.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There went Sam, back out into the studio area, to check with Vicky.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not the same every moment, not the same every day.\u00a0 It\u2019s kind of like the need for a drink of water, you know?\u00a0 If you just had a drink, you\u2019re not even thinking about a drink of water.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s nodding her head, by the way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 Is she sleeping?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s smiling; a big smile.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And a little while later, you know a drink of water would be good, and a little while later a drink of water would be really good, and a little while later it\u2019s necessary, and if you don\u2019t get some water you\u2019re going to die.\u00a0 I think the same kind of thing can happen in a marriage relationship where there\u2019s a certain affirmation that is \u2013 once you\u2019ve given it, you don\u2019t have to give it again right away, like it\u2019s always the favorite affirmation, but there can be an ebb and flow, a rising and a falling, in what particular message, affirmation, appreciation is needed at the moment.<\/p>\n<p>So it depends.\u00a0 If she\u2019s been up all night rocking the baby, there\u2019s a certain kind of appreciation that is fitting in that moment, and then there\u2019s another appreciation that\u2019s fitting when she\u2019s been married to you 38 years and she\u2019s sitting on the other side of the glass in the radio studio, and a million-and-a-half listeners are going to hear what you\u2019re going to say about her.<\/p>\n<p>My first answer is I don\u2019t know what she most likes to hear, because I don\u2019t put that question to her, \u201cWhat do you most like to hear?\u201d\u00a0 I just like to be on the lookout for what is she doing, and then affirm what I see.\u00a0 So, she\u2019s a very loyal wife.\u00a0 She\u2019s endured 38 years of me, for Pete\u2019s sake, which is a lot of divine mercy.\u00a0 I\u2019m not exaggerating or funning you, but nobody has forgiven me more than Vicky.\u00a0 It\u2019s very, very endearing to us.\u00a0 And she\u2019s so ready to stay with me and to be loyal and to be faithful to me.<\/p>\n<p>Is she nodding her head and agreeing with this?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She is.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s wiping away a little tear from the cheek right now.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think maybe one affirmation she really enjoys is she\u2019s a very proactive Grandma with our grandchildren \u2013 loves to be in there, and if that means rocking them all night or wiping up the vomit, or whatever it is . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hearing you talk about Vicky, I think the question comes up \u2013 I\u2019m thinking of the marriages that all of us know about, where affirmation just hasn\u2019t happened, maybe for years.\u00a0 The opposite of affirmation \u2013 is it contempt?\u00a0 Is it criticism?\u00a0 How do you define if I\u2019m not affirming, if I\u2019m destroying, instead of building up my marriage I\u2019m tearing it down with my own hands.\u00a0 Is that through contempt and criticism?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and even short of that \u2013 I\u2019ll come back to that \u2013 but just the person who says, \u201cI\u2019ve praised you twice in the last year.\u00a0 That\u2019s enough.\u201d\u00a0 The indifference and the silence can send a message they don\u2019t mean to send. \u201cYou don\u2019t measure up.\u00a0 You don\u2019t make me happy.\u00a0 If you made me happy, it would be overflowing in expression.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But criticism stings.\u00a0 If you\u2019re smelling a bouquet of flowers and you get stung by a bee, it doesn\u2019t matter how big the bouquet of flowers was, the sting outweighs all that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 So criticism and correction are caustic and toxic to relationships, to harmony and gladness in a relationship.\u00a0 Proverbs says that \u201ca rash word is like a thrust of the sword,\u201d so an unthoughtful word \u2013 doesn\u2019t even have to be a criticism, just a thoughtless word \u2013 can cut and wound.<\/p>\n<p>As you know, healing takes longer than wounding.\u00a0 So it can take a lot of affirmations to rebuild and to heal over a wound that has happened over some sarcastic remark or some insult or some snide observation, or just picking on some persistent weakness in the other person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have a page in your book, and I\u2019m going to have you just read this to our listeners.\u00a0 Page 53 in the book talks about what to do if you\u2019re in an overly corrective relationship with another person.\u00a0 You have six suggestions.\u00a0 I thought those were just really, really good, because all of us can get in the pattern of overly correcting, being focused wrongly on what\u2019s not happening, what needs to be done.\u00a0 Share that list with our listeners.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.\u00a0 To reverse the trend of an overly corrective relationship, do these things:\u00a0 First, if she has stopped listening to you, quit preaching.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p>I put number one there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s really nodding now, by the way.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, then I won\u2019t read the other five.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, keep going.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s kind of a \u201cduh,\u201d you know?\u00a0 They\u2019re not hearing you, so let\u2019s try something else.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But there are a lot of people who ignore that and just keep on going and grinding in the process.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And pushing the other person away.\u00a0 Number two:\u00a0 Stop moralizing about listening.\u00a0 \u201cYou should be listening to me, teenager, wife.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She just sat up in her seat.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Instead, ask the Holy Spirit to do His job, because it\u2019s the Holy Spirit who convicts of sin and righteousness and judgment.<\/p>\n<p>Number three:\u00a0 To reverse the trend of an overly corrective relationship, affirm.\u00a0 I\u2019ve said over and over, stay up nights if you have to thinking of ways to say what is so commendable in this other person.\u00a0 When one of our daughters turned 11, it was as though suddenly, instantly, all the knowledge of the universe was poured into her brain.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p>And at the same moment it was sucked out of all the other brains, especially her dad, because she just was indifferent to what I would say.\u00a0 I knew, \u201cI\u2019m in trouble here,\u201d so I did say to myself, \u201cIf I have to stay up nights, Lord, will you help me be a student of my daughter and commend her for commendable things that you\u2019re doing in her life.\u00a0 I want to be the person on this planet who gives her more praise than anybody else, maybe everybody else combined.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I just think it\u2019s good \u2013 an 11-year-old should not drift from her dad.\u00a0 That\u2019s not a good place to be.\u00a0 It makes her vulnerable to all kinds of seductive shenanigans from others.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just want to comment, here.\u00a0 What you\u2019re talking about doing goes against everything within the fiber of our hearts as human beings.\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about doing something that has to be the work of God in a person\u2019s soul, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We want to return evil for evil instead of returning a blessing for evil, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or preach some more, or scold some more.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or punish.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I decided, I am just going to find Christ-like things that I can commend in this daughter.\u00a0 Well at that time our two daughters were very different, and the daughter that I\u2019m speaking of used what I called MBO, Management by Observation \u2013 that is, just leave everything where you can see it and then you know what you\u2019ve got and where it is.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>So I walked past her room one day.\u00a0 The door was open, and so, you know, everything in her room was just kind of tsunami-like, but on her dresser she\u2019d organized her things so that the tall things were on the back and then stair-stepped down to the shorter things in the front, so that you could see everything.\u00a0 I just said, \u201cI get it.\u00a0 I see your plan here.\u00a0 This is good.\u00a0 This is orderly. This is something God would do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, is it okay for me to bring God in on compliments?\u00a0 I\u2019m arguing that it definitely is.\u00a0 Now what I mean by \u201cIt\u2019s something that God would do\u201d is He\u2019s the most orderly being in existence.\u00a0 He does everything decently and in \u2013<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Order.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Order.\u00a0 And so I just commended her for that and walked out of the room ignoring the rest of the tsunami.\u00a0 A few minutes later I was walking past the kitchen and I happened to glance in there, and she was hugging her mom.\u00a0 I just stopped, backed up, and I said, \u201cOh, I love this.\u00a0 I love to see an 11-year-old hugging her mother.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s good for the mother, makes the mother happy.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s good for the daughter.\u00a0 It makes this dad happy, and I think it makes God happy when an 11-year-old hugs their mother for right and healthy reasons.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d say in ten days or so we had our daughter back, and we\u2019ve had her ever since.\u00a0 She\u2019s married, has three children of her own now, and she calls and asks my opinion about things that \u2013 she doesn\u2019t need my opinion or permission on anything.\u00a0 So that\u2019s this number three out of how to reverse the trend of an overly corrective relationship, is stay up nights if you have to thinking of things you can affirm legitimately and honestly.<\/p>\n<p>Number four:\u00a0 Keep up a steady, tender flow of words and gestures that confirm and commend them.\u00a0 It\u2019s got to be steady.\u00a0 Keep it up.\u00a0 It can\u2019t just be a one-time experience like you talked about.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I\u2019ve commended you twice this year.\u00a0 That\u2019ll have to do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Like an eye-dropper \u2013 just let out a little bit at a time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, this is like breathing.\u00a0 Do a little bit every day.<\/p>\n<p>Number five:\u00a0 Model.\u00a0 We don\u2019t affirm any particular quality we don\u2019t personally embrace and exemplify in some appreciable measure.\u00a0 So if I commend my daughter for being orderly and I\u2019m a slob, the hypocrisy will be detected and it will be unsavory.\u00a0 It will fail.\u00a0 If we try to commend punctuality while always running late ourselves, our hypocritical compliments become off-putting.\u00a0 They not only don\u2019t endear, they smell bad.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Although I want to ask you about that one, because I have, at times, said to my children, \u201dYou know this is something where you\u2019re actually much better at this than I am.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good for you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And when I say that it\u2019s kind of like, \u201cReally?\u00a0 There\u2019s something I\u2019m better at than Dad is?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I recommend that adults say that to children.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re better than me at this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 It\u2019s like all of a sudden they\u2019ve taken another step toward adulthood just by hearing that.\u00a0 You know what I mean?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you elevate something and you humble yourself.\u00a0 God resists the proud.\u00a0 The cocky parent who thinks he\u2019s better than his kid in every way will be resisted by God, but He exalts the humble.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So what\u2019s the last thing on the list?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Number six:\u00a0 If you want to reverse the trend of an overly-corrective relationship, is love the unchanged person as is.\u00a0 Be a blessing to that person before he listens to you or changes his patterns or reforms.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a great list.\u00a0 I think just starting to practice a few of those things can be revolutionary in relationships.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Listen to what James said in chapter three, verse seven:\u00a0 \u201cFor every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue.\u00a0 It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.\u00a0 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bang!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think you have exhorted us, Sam, to remember who made people, and to honor the image of God in their lives in a practical way by affirming them for not only who made them, God, but what He put in them, and that they have true value, dignity and worth.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The Scriptures go so far as to say, \u201cLife and death are in the power of the tongue.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, think about that.\u00a0 There is the power to destroy another person through the words that you use, to tear them down and lead them to despair that can lead to death.\u00a0 So there\u2019s a stewardship responsibility that God has given us with the gift of speech.\u00a0 We have to be good stewards of that gift, and we have to practice what you\u2019ve been exhorting us to here, Sam \u2013 the gift of affirmation in another person\u2019s life.<\/p>\n<p>I want to encourage listeners to get a copy of Sam\u2019s book.\u00a0 It\u2019s called <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>, and this is a book that will help coach you, help mentor you, help you renew your mind about what affirming words ought to look like in someone else\u2019s life.\u00a0 It\u2019s a book you may want to go through with others in a small group study.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got it in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 So go online at FamilyLifeToday.com, look for information about the book <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em> by Sam Crabtree.<\/p>\n<p>Speaking of small group studies, our HomeBuilders<strong>\u00ae<\/strong> series of studies \u2013 this month all of the titles in the HomeBuilders series are available at a 25 percent discount.\u00a0 One of those studies is the <em>Building Up Your Spouse<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong> study that talks about affirmation.\u00a0 So there\u2019s another great study that couples can go through together to help them learn how to practice this art of affirmation.<\/p>\n<p>Again there\u2019s more information about the Homebuilders studies and about Sam Crabtree\u2019s book on our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, or call toll-free at 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in Family, \u201cL\u201d as in Life, and then the word \u201cToday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, let me just take a minute and say how grateful we are this month for those of you who have gotten in touch with us and have made a donation to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 Because we are listener-supported, those donations are essential to keep our program on this station and on our network of stations all across the country.<\/p>\n<p>This month we are hearing from a lot of folks who are making a first-time donation to support <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 Those of you who have been listening for a while and you\u2019ve always thought, \u201cYou know, I should make a donation to help support them.\u00a0 God\u2019s really used that program in my life and I want to make sure it continues on our local radio station.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you\u2019ve thought those things before, and this month some of you are stepping up and saying, \u201cI\u2019m finally getting around to it and making a donation.\u201d\u00a0 We appreciate that.\u00a0 When you do make a donation to help support the ministry this month, not only are we keeping track of the first-time donors through a thermometer that we\u2019ve got on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com, but we want to invite all of you to request a CD sampler that features six messages from a recent FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, where Dennis Rainey and I both were speaking.<\/p>\n<p>These six messages come on four CDs, and it\u2019s our way of saying thanks for your support of the ministry this month.\u00a0 All you have to do to request the CDs is type the word SAMPLER in the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 Or, when you call 1-800-FLTODAY and make a donation, just ask for the CDs from the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, and we\u2019re happy to get them out to you.<\/p>\n<p>And we appreciate your support of the ministry.\u00a0 We\u2019re always happy to hear from <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, and especially those of you who are new listeners.\u00a0 It\u2019s nice to hear from you as well.<\/p>\n<p>And we want to encourage you to be back with us tomorrow when we\u2019re going to continue our conversation with Sam Crabtree and talk about how we can build one another up and honor God in the process.\u00a0 I hope you can tune in for that.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n"],"duration":["00:"],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.68M"],"filesize_raw":["25881284"],"_edit_lock":["1738169455:47000"],"_edit_last":["47000"],"theme_header_position":["Sticky"],"post_header_is_sticky":["default"],"is_header_overlay":["0"],"episode_type":["audio"],"date_recorded":["2011-08-23 11:00:00"],"enclosure":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-23.mp3"],"_seopress_redirections_type":["301"],"_seopress_redirections_logged_status":["both"],"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":[""],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302347.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302347.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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all of us like praise, then why aren't we better at praising others?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 In the book of James, the Bible says that the tongue is \u201clike a fire. It can set ablaze a whole forest.\u201d\u00a0 Sam Crabtree says we need to watch our words.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Proverbs says that a rash word is like a thrust of the sword.\u00a0 Criticism stings.\u00a0 I mean, if you\u2019re smelling a bouquet of flowers and you get stung by a bee, it doesn\u2019t matter how big the bouquet of flowers was.\u00a0 The sting outweighs all that.\u00a0 So an unthoughtful word \u2013 doesn\u2019t even have to be a criticism \u2013 just a thoughtless word \u2013 can cut and wound, and as you know, healing takes longer than wounding.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong> for Tuesday, August 23<sup>rd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<strong>\u00ae<\/strong>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Are there ways in which you need to train or tame your tongue?\u00a0 I think there are for all of us.\u00a0 That\u2019s what we\u2019re going to talk about today.<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You know how there are certain aha moments that you have in life where you hear something and you go, \u201cI don\u2019t know that I\u2019ve ever thought of that,\u201d and it just clicks and it makes sense and you think, \u201cThat\u2019s wise,\u201d and it sticks with you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember hearing a sermon preached by a mutual friend of all of ours.\u00a0 C.J. Mahaney was preaching a message and he was talking about marking out what he referred to as \u201cevidences of grace\u201d in the lives of other people.\u00a0 He would just say \u201cWe make it a practice among our staff at our church where we will sometimes in staff meetings go around and we will say, \u2018I want to tell you an evidence of grace that I\u2019ve observed in your life.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 And he says, \u201cWe\u2019ll do this as a part of the staff meeting.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>First of all, I\u2019d never heard it expressed as an \u2018evidence of grace,\u2019 but I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s a great expression, because that\u2019s really what it is.\u201d\u00a0 And then I thought, \u201cI want to go to one of those staff meetings.\u00a0 I want to sit in the room and have people come around and say, \u2018Let me tell you something I\u2019ve observed in you.\u2019\u00a0 I want to sit in on one of those meetings.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s just one of those things that stuck with me.\u00a0 I think there have been a handful of things when I\u2019ve seen somebody doing something, and it\u2019s just flashed back, and I\u2019ve gone up to them and said, \u201cCan I just point out that I think this is an evidence of God\u2019s grace in your life,\u201d and talked about whatever it was I\u2019ve observed.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, in all the years you and I have been doing radio . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yeah.\u00a0 He\u2019s about to tell me I\u2019ve never mentioned, I\u2019ve never used the phrase \u201cevidence of grace\u201d with him.\u00a0 That\u2019s where you\u2019re going.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was not going to say that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s good self-restraint, Dennis.\u00a0 Self-control there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was not going to say that. I\u2019m speechless!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry for impugning your character.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m speechless!\u00a0 I was going to . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Will you forgive me?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 I\u2019m not, for awhile.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to hold on to that one.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Going to harbor that one?\u00a0 Alright.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I am.\u00a0 I am.\u00a0 It\u2019s too good.\u00a0 Too good of a catch right here on the radio.\u00a0 Here\u2019s my assignment for you, Bob.\u00a0 In all my years, how many assignments have I give you on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>?\u00a0 It\u2019s been a couple.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You had to go count the straws in your garage one time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 More than I liked, but go ahead.\u00a0 What\u2019s the assignment?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The assignment is, in our next senior leadership team meeting here at FamilyLife when we get together with all the leaders of the ministry, I want you to introduce that concept.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tell the story.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tell the story, and let\u2019s do it.\u00a0 I think that\u2019s a great idea.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 It can work.\u00a0 We recently had a Pastor\u2019s retreat, which we do several times a year, and at this particular one our Senior Pastor, John Piper, was not going to be there.\u00a0 Oh wait, he was at this one.\u00a0 He was at this one.\u00a0 And he asked me if I would lead us in something out of the Word and then relate it to this book, because he knew it was going to be coming out.\u00a0 So we just went around.\u00a0 We said \u201cWe\u2019re not going to stop.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to do this exercise until everybody in the room has had somebody point out something that they see God doing and developing in this other person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 An evidence of grace.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, exactly.\u00a0 It started a little slow, but then somebody broke the ice and pretty soon it flowed.\u00a0 There was weeping with appreciation, people saying deep feelings of how they saw God at work in their companions around the room and their colleagues.\u00a0 It was really healthy, really healthy.\u00a0 But there were people saying, \u201cWe don\u2019t do this enough.\u00a0 We have to do this thing again.\u201d\u00a0 So it can work.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I should probably introduce the . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was thinking the same thing.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 . . . the affirmation cheerleader we have on today\u2019s program.\u00a0 Sam Crabtree is the Executive Pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota where John Piper is Senior Pastor.\u00a0 Sam is the author of the book called <em>Practicing Affirmation.<\/em>\u00a0 This is obviously a passion for you.\u00a0 Has it been a passion throughout your life, or is this something that in recent years you\u2019ve grown in your enthusiasm for?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well I obviously have grown in enthusiasm and in increasing clarity, but it does go way, way back for me.\u00a0 Really there is a thread in me that I think represents the whole human race.\u00a0 We all want to be affirmed.\u00a0 We all want to be appreciated.\u00a0 In fact, I think there is something defective about the person who doesn\u2019t want God Almighty himself to say, \u201cWell done, good and faithful servant.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jesus says on that day when you say, \u201cLord, we didn\u2019t know it was you,\u201d that the response will be \u201cWell done.\u00a0 You did it for the least of these; you have done it for me.\u00a0 Well done.\u00a0 Enter into your rest.\u201d\u00a0 Stop and think of Jesus himself.\u00a0 He\u2019s being baptized, the dove comes down, what does his Father say?\u00a0 \u201cThis is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cHear ye him.\u00a0 Listen to him.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s an affirmation.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And Jesus in his humanity had to smile for a voice from Heaven to say, \u201cThis is my Son.\u00a0 I\u2019m so pleased with how he\u2019s doing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And turn the coin over.\u00a0 He\u2019s so pleased, and in such resonance with His Father, and they\u2019ve got it together.\u00a0 They\u2019ve got a happy relationship; always have had, and He\u2019s going to give that up on the cross and say, \u201cMy God, why have you forsaken me?\u201d\u00a0 And so I think that ratchets up the price of what He did because this affirming and how sweet it is and how endearing it is, and how unifying it is was forfeited on purpose by Jesus on the cross.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, when you take something like this that is so powerful that is clearly something that God wants us to do for one another and encourage one another, there are undoubtedly those, even within the Christian community that raise their hands and say, \u201cHold it.\u00a0 You shouldn\u2019t be praising another person.\u00a0 This is idolatry.\u00a0 You are encouraging someone to be prideful.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And all of a sudden they have pulled the pin out and they\u2019ve popped the balloon of your book, <em>Practicing Affirmation,<\/em> and it\u2019s like we need to be on rations.\u00a0 What would you say to that group of people?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, first of all I appreciate that they are on guard against idolatry.\u00a0 We don\u2019t want to go there.\u00a0 This is not a book about self esteem.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I call it God-centered praise of those who are not God.\u00a0 So I would start there by just saying, \u201cI\u2019m glad you\u2019re on guard.\u00a0 That\u2019s good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>However, not all praise of everything that\u2019s not God is idolatry, because God Himself praises things in the Bible.\u00a0 In fact, there are some things He says exist to be praised, like the noble woman of Proverbs 31: \u201cA good wife is to be praised.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s what you\u2019re supposed to do with a good wife, and you\u2019re disobeying God, making an idol out of your paradigm by not praising this noble wife.<\/p>\n<p>So I would say that, and then I would add that \u201cYou\u2019re probably going to pay a price for that practice.\u00a0 In fact, you are paying a price for not affirming people.\u00a0 They are drifting from you; there\u2019s an alienation that\u2019s coming into your relationships. . .\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201c. . . and there are people who just don\u2019t like to be around a person who doesn\u2019t affirm anything that they do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You used an illustration of the Proverbs 31 woman. You\u2019ve been married to Vicky for 38 years.\u00a0 What do you think is the consummate affirmation that she likes to receive?\u00a0 Now this is cool right now, because we\u2019re here in the studio and I can see her face right over your right shoulder.\u00a0 So, I\u2019m going to just look at her face as you answer the question, and I\u2019ll find out if 38 years has taught you what affirms your wife.<\/p>\n<p>No pressure, though, Sam!\u00a0 No pressure.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And we\u2019ll be right back after this commercial.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There went Sam, back out into the studio area, to check with Vicky.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not the same every moment, not the same every day.\u00a0 It\u2019s kind of like the need for a drink of water, you know?\u00a0 If you just had a drink, you\u2019re not even thinking about a drink of water.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s nodding her head, by the way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 Is she sleeping?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s smiling; a big smile.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And a little while later, you know a drink of water would be good, and a little while later a drink of water would be really good, and a little while later it\u2019s necessary, and if you don\u2019t get some water you\u2019re going to die.\u00a0 I think the same kind of thing can happen in a marriage relationship where there\u2019s a certain affirmation that is \u2013 once you\u2019ve given it, you don\u2019t have to give it again right away, like it\u2019s always the favorite affirmation, but there can be an ebb and flow, a rising and a falling, in what particular message, affirmation, appreciation is needed at the moment.<\/p>\n<p>So it depends.\u00a0 If she\u2019s been up all night rocking the baby, there\u2019s a certain kind of appreciation that is fitting in that moment, and then there\u2019s another appreciation that\u2019s fitting when she\u2019s been married to you 38 years and she\u2019s sitting on the other side of the glass in the radio studio, and a million-and-a-half listeners are going to hear what you\u2019re going to say about her.<\/p>\n<p>My first answer is I don\u2019t know what she most likes to hear, because I don\u2019t put that question to her, \u201cWhat do you most like to hear?\u201d\u00a0 I just like to be on the lookout for what is she doing, and then affirm what I see.\u00a0 So, she\u2019s a very loyal wife.\u00a0 She\u2019s endured 38 years of me, for Pete\u2019s sake, which is a lot of divine mercy.\u00a0 I\u2019m not exaggerating or funning you, but nobody has forgiven me more than Vicky.\u00a0 It\u2019s very, very endearing to us.\u00a0 And she\u2019s so ready to stay with me and to be loyal and to be faithful to me.<\/p>\n<p>Is she nodding her head and agreeing with this?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She is.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s wiping away a little tear from the cheek right now.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think maybe one affirmation she really enjoys is she\u2019s a very proactive Grandma with our grandchildren \u2013 loves to be in there, and if that means rocking them all night or wiping up the vomit, or whatever it is . . .<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hearing you talk about Vicky, I think the question comes up \u2013 I\u2019m thinking of the marriages that all of us know about, where affirmation just hasn\u2019t happened, maybe for years.\u00a0 The opposite of affirmation \u2013 is it contempt?\u00a0 Is it criticism?\u00a0 How do you define if I\u2019m not affirming, if I\u2019m destroying, instead of building up my marriage I\u2019m tearing it down with my own hands.\u00a0 Is that through contempt and criticism?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and even short of that \u2013 I\u2019ll come back to that \u2013 but just the person who says, \u201cI\u2019ve praised you twice in the last year.\u00a0 That\u2019s enough.\u201d\u00a0 The indifference and the silence can send a message they don\u2019t mean to send. \u201cYou don\u2019t measure up.\u00a0 You don\u2019t make me happy.\u00a0 If you made me happy, it would be overflowing in expression.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But criticism stings.\u00a0 If you\u2019re smelling a bouquet of flowers and you get stung by a bee, it doesn\u2019t matter how big the bouquet of flowers was, the sting outweighs all that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 So criticism and correction are caustic and toxic to relationships, to harmony and gladness in a relationship.\u00a0 Proverbs says that \u201ca rash word is like a thrust of the sword,\u201d so an unthoughtful word \u2013 doesn\u2019t even have to be a criticism, just a thoughtless word \u2013 can cut and wound.<\/p>\n<p>As you know, healing takes longer than wounding.\u00a0 So it can take a lot of affirmations to rebuild and to heal over a wound that has happened over some sarcastic remark or some insult or some snide observation, or just picking on some persistent weakness in the other person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You have a page in your book, and I\u2019m going to have you just read this to our listeners.\u00a0 Page 53 in the book talks about what to do if you\u2019re in an overly corrective relationship with another person.\u00a0 You have six suggestions.\u00a0 I thought those were just really, really good, because all of us can get in the pattern of overly correcting, being focused wrongly on what\u2019s not happening, what needs to be done.\u00a0 Share that list with our listeners.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.\u00a0 To reverse the trend of an overly corrective relationship, do these things:\u00a0 First, if she has stopped listening to you, quit preaching.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p>I put number one there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s really nodding now, by the way.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, then I won\u2019t read the other five.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, keep going.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s kind of a \u201cduh,\u201d you know?\u00a0 They\u2019re not hearing you, so let\u2019s try something else.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But there are a lot of people who ignore that and just keep on going and grinding in the process.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 And pushing the other person away.\u00a0 Number two:\u00a0 Stop moralizing about listening.\u00a0 \u201cYou should be listening to me, teenager, wife.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She just sat up in her seat.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Instead, ask the Holy Spirit to do His job, because it\u2019s the Holy Spirit who convicts of sin and righteousness and judgment.<\/p>\n<p>Number three:\u00a0 To reverse the trend of an overly corrective relationship, affirm.\u00a0 I\u2019ve said over and over, stay up nights if you have to thinking of ways to say what is so commendable in this other person.\u00a0 When one of our daughters turned 11, it was as though suddenly, instantly, all the knowledge of the universe was poured into her brain.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p>And at the same moment it was sucked out of all the other brains, especially her dad, because she just was indifferent to what I would say.\u00a0 I knew, \u201cI\u2019m in trouble here,\u201d so I did say to myself, \u201cIf I have to stay up nights, Lord, will you help me be a student of my daughter and commend her for commendable things that you\u2019re doing in her life.\u00a0 I want to be the person on this planet who gives her more praise than anybody else, maybe everybody else combined.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I just think it\u2019s good \u2013 an 11-year-old should not drift from her dad.\u00a0 That\u2019s not a good place to be.\u00a0 It makes her vulnerable to all kinds of seductive shenanigans from others.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just want to comment, here.\u00a0 What you\u2019re talking about doing goes against everything within the fiber of our hearts as human beings.\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about doing something that has to be the work of God in a person\u2019s soul, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We want to return evil for evil instead of returning a blessing for evil, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or preach some more, or scold some more.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or punish.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I decided, I am just going to find Christ-like things that I can commend in this daughter.\u00a0 Well at that time our two daughters were very different, and the daughter that I\u2019m speaking of used what I called MBO, Management by Observation \u2013 that is, just leave everything where you can see it and then you know what you\u2019ve got and where it is.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>So I walked past her room one day.\u00a0 The door was open, and so, you know, everything in her room was just kind of tsunami-like, but on her dresser she\u2019d organized her things so that the tall things were on the back and then stair-stepped down to the shorter things in the front, so that you could see everything.\u00a0 I just said, \u201cI get it.\u00a0 I see your plan here.\u00a0 This is good.\u00a0 This is orderly. This is something God would do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, is it okay for me to bring God in on compliments?\u00a0 I\u2019m arguing that it definitely is.\u00a0 Now what I mean by \u201cIt\u2019s something that God would do\u201d is He\u2019s the most orderly being in existence.\u00a0 He does everything decently and in \u2013<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Order.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Order.\u00a0 And so I just commended her for that and walked out of the room ignoring the rest of the tsunami.\u00a0 A few minutes later I was walking past the kitchen and I happened to glance in there, and she was hugging her mom.\u00a0 I just stopped, backed up, and I said, \u201cOh, I love this.\u00a0 I love to see an 11-year-old hugging her mother.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s good for the mother, makes the mother happy.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s good for the daughter.\u00a0 It makes this dad happy, and I think it makes God happy when an 11-year-old hugs their mother for right and healthy reasons.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d say in ten days or so we had our daughter back, and we\u2019ve had her ever since.\u00a0 She\u2019s married, has three children of her own now, and she calls and asks my opinion about things that \u2013 she doesn\u2019t need my opinion or permission on anything.\u00a0 So that\u2019s this number three out of how to reverse the trend of an overly corrective relationship, is stay up nights if you have to thinking of things you can affirm legitimately and honestly.<\/p>\n<p>Number four:\u00a0 Keep up a steady, tender flow of words and gestures that confirm and commend them.\u00a0 It\u2019s got to be steady.\u00a0 Keep it up.\u00a0 It can\u2019t just be a one-time experience like you talked about.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I\u2019ve commended you twice this year.\u00a0 That\u2019ll have to do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Like an eye-dropper \u2013 just let out a little bit at a time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, this is like breathing.\u00a0 Do a little bit every day.<\/p>\n<p>Number five:\u00a0 Model.\u00a0 We don\u2019t affirm any particular quality we don\u2019t personally embrace and exemplify in some appreciable measure.\u00a0 So if I commend my daughter for being orderly and I\u2019m a slob, the hypocrisy will be detected and it will be unsavory.\u00a0 It will fail.\u00a0 If we try to commend punctuality while always running late ourselves, our hypocritical compliments become off-putting.\u00a0 They not only don\u2019t endear, they smell bad.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Although I want to ask you about that one, because I have, at times, said to my children, \u201dYou know this is something where you\u2019re actually much better at this than I am.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good for you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And when I say that it\u2019s kind of like, \u201cReally?\u00a0 There\u2019s something I\u2019m better at than Dad is?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I recommend that adults say that to children.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re better than me at this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 It\u2019s like all of a sudden they\u2019ve taken another step toward adulthood just by hearing that.\u00a0 You know what I mean?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you elevate something and you humble yourself.\u00a0 God resists the proud.\u00a0 The cocky parent who thinks he\u2019s better than his kid in every way will be resisted by God, but He exalts the humble.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So what\u2019s the last thing on the list?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Number six:\u00a0 If you want to reverse the trend of an overly-corrective relationship, is love the unchanged person as is.\u00a0 Be a blessing to that person before he listens to you or changes his patterns or reforms.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a great list.\u00a0 I think just starting to practice a few of those things can be revolutionary in relationships.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Listen to what James said in chapter three, verse seven:\u00a0 \u201cFor every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue.\u00a0 It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.\u00a0 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bang!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think you have exhorted us, Sam, to remember who made people, and to honor the image of God in their lives in a practical way by affirming them for not only who made them, God, but what He put in them, and that they have true value, dignity and worth.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The Scriptures go so far as to say, \u201cLife and death are in the power of the tongue.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, think about that.\u00a0 There is the power to destroy another person through the words that you use, to tear them down and lead them to despair that can lead to death.\u00a0 So there\u2019s a stewardship responsibility that God has given us with the gift of speech.\u00a0 We have to be good stewards of that gift, and we have to practice what you\u2019ve been exhorting us to here, Sam \u2013 the gift of affirmation in another person\u2019s life.<\/p>\n<p>I want to encourage listeners to get a copy of Sam\u2019s book.\u00a0 It\u2019s called <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>, and this is a book that will help coach you, help mentor you, help you renew your mind about what affirming words ought to look like in someone else\u2019s life.\u00a0 It\u2019s a book you may want to go through with others in a small group study.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got it in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 So go online at FamilyLifeToday.com, look for information about the book <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em> by Sam Crabtree.<\/p>\n<p>Speaking of small group studies, our HomeBuilders<strong>\u00ae<\/strong> series of studies \u2013 this month all of the titles in the HomeBuilders series are available at a 25 percent discount.\u00a0 One of those studies is the <em>Building Up Your Spouse<\/em><strong>\u00ae<\/strong> study that talks about affirmation.\u00a0 So there\u2019s another great study that couples can go through together to help them learn how to practice this art of affirmation.<\/p>\n<p>Again there\u2019s more information about the Homebuilders studies and about Sam Crabtree\u2019s book on our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, or call toll-free at 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in Family, \u201cL\u201d as in Life, and then the word \u201cToday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, let me just take a minute and say how grateful we are this month for those of you who have gotten in touch with us and have made a donation to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 Because we are listener-supported, those donations are essential to keep our program on this station and on our network of stations all across the country.<\/p>\n<p>This month we are hearing from a lot of folks who are making a first-time donation to support <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 Those of you who have been listening for a while and you\u2019ve always thought, \u201cYou know, I should make a donation to help support them.\u00a0 God\u2019s really used that program in my life and I want to make sure it continues on our local radio station.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you\u2019ve thought those things before, and this month some of you are stepping up and saying, \u201cI\u2019m finally getting around to it and making a donation.\u201d\u00a0 We appreciate that.\u00a0 When you do make a donation to help support the ministry this month, not only are we keeping track of the first-time donors through a thermometer that we\u2019ve got on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com, but we want to invite all of you to request a CD sampler that features six messages from a recent FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, where Dennis Rainey and I both were speaking.<\/p>\n<p>These six messages come on four CDs, and it\u2019s our way of saying thanks for your support of the ministry this month.\u00a0 All you have to do to request the CDs is type the word SAMPLER in the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 Or, when you call 1-800-FLTODAY and make a donation, just ask for the CDs from the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, and we\u2019re happy to get them out to you.<\/p>\n<p>And we appreciate your support of the ministry.\u00a0 We\u2019re always happy to hear from <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, and especially those of you who are new listeners.\u00a0 It\u2019s nice to hear from you as well.<\/p>\n<p>And we want to encourage you to be back with us tomorrow when we\u2019re going to continue our conversation with Sam Crabtree and talk about how we can build one another up and honor God in the process.\u00a0 I hope you can tune in for that.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302347","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302347"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302347"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302347"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302347"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302347"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302347"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302347"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}