{"id":302346,"date":"2011-08-22T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-08-22T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/whats-the-big-deal-about-affirmation\/"},"modified":"2025-01-09T14:45:00","modified_gmt":"2025-01-09T19:45:00","slug":"whats-the-big-deal-about-affirmation","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-the-big-deal-about-affirmation\/","title":{"rendered":"What&#8217;s the Big Deal About Affirmation?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Can you recall the last time you praised someone?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Can you recall the last time you praised someone?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-22.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.52M","filesize_raw":"24657389","date_recorded":"2011-08-22 11:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2934],"tags":[4086,2877,2209],"podcast_series":[7819],"cwp_profile":[3358],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302346","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-commitment","tag-marriage","tag-parenting","podcast_series-practicing-affirmation","cwp_profile-sam-crabtree","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302346\/whats-the-big-deal-about-affirmation","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302346\/whats-the-big-deal-about-affirmation","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"VndzKhBw0v\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-the-big-deal-about-affirmation\/\">What&#8217;s the Big Deal About Affirmation?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-the-big-deal-about-affirmation\/embed\/#?secret=VndzKhBw0v\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;What&#8217;s the Big Deal About Affirmation?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"VndzKhBw0v\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-22.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-22.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Have you affirmed anyone with your words today?\u00a0 Do you even know what that means?\u00a0 Here\u2019s pastor and author Sam Crabtree.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 To affirm another person is not just to be nice to them.\u00a0 You could give money to somebody, and that\u2019s nice; but that doesn\u2019t affirm them for something they\u2019ve done.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been a blessing to them.\u00a0 You give them a cup of cold water in Jesus\u2019 name.\u00a0 That\u2019s a blessing, but you haven\u2019t affirmed them.<\/p>\n<p>To affirm them is to recognize some behavior, some pattern, that is in them and call it out.\u00a0 Call attention to that good thing with words.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, August 22<sup>nd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk today about how we can use our words, our tongues, to build up, encourage, and edify others.\u00a0 Stay with us.<\/p>\n<p>Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, have we\u2019ve ever had anybody who has been a master of something on the broadcast before?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 A master of\u2014well, yes.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had a lot of guests who are very proficient at whatever it is they are talking about or they\u2019ve done in their life.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had master fishermen on here.\u00a0 You love talking to\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014the hunters and the fishermen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve had some pretty heavy-hitter professionals.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Some master song writers.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Song writers and athletes.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had some outstanding athletes who\u2019ve been guests on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, we\u2019ve had some real masters.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Master coaches like Tony Dungy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve had master trivia people.\u00a0 Well, I guess that\u2019s me every day, doing the master trivia stuff.\u00a0 Right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would agree with that.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to argue with you.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p>Well, you know what?\u00a0 Our guest on today\u2019s program, Sam Crabtree, is the first master practitioner of affirmation\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The art of affirmation.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 He is the master practitioner of affirmation.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to welcome Sam to the broadcast.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Lord, have mercy on these generous descriptions.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p>If I was a really a master and convinced of that, I wouldn\u2019t have written a chapter in there about my failures.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Are you just doing this to affirm him as you introduce him on the broadcast?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know I hadn\u2019t thought of that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well done.\u00a0 Well done.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It worked.\u00a0 It worked.\u00a0 He has written a book called <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>.\u00a0 Now, think about putting your name on a book.\u00a0 The only other topic that I think would be more challenging to live up to would be practicing humility and put your name on it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And how I obtained it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Authored by, you know?\u00a0 Sam has done a great job with this work.\u00a0 I\u2019m really looking forward to our conversation Sam, as I told you\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Me too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014because I do think this topic owes its value to its scarcity.\u00a0 Sam is a former school teacher.\u00a0 He is the Executive Pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in the Twin Cities area up in Minnesota.\u00a0 Little pastor up there by the name of John Piper, who is a master teacher, I think.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you, Bob?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How did you come to be this master practitioner of affirmation?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, thanks, Dennis and Bob, for giving a subject like this some air time because I really am deeply convinced it\u2019s very important to every human being who has ever lived, is now living, and will ever live.\u00a0 I think people all over the place are thirsty for just a little bit.\u00a0 \u201cSomebody appreciate that I\u2019m even trying even if I fail.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s in offices, it\u2019s in marriages, it\u2019s in churches, it\u2019s everywhere.\u00a0 People just wish that someone would give them a pat on the back about something because we\u2019ve not all washed out totally.\u00a0 God has not forsaken all of us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 William James said, \u201cThe greatest need of the human heart is the need to be appreciated.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ve thought about that many times.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s just good for someone to put their hand on your shoulder and say, as I\u2019ve said to Bob, \u201cBob, I just appreciate you for your friendship, the high quality work you do here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and the great job you did on <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em>\u00ae.\u201d\u00a0 Bob always listens to me when I say that.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, that is one of the principles that drives me; is that, I do believe that people tend to be influenced by those who praise them, which explains why the teenager whose parents never give him any credit for anything and he\u2019s maybe not athletic; so, the coaches don\u2019t recruit him.\u00a0 He isn\u2019t musical; so, the band teacher doesn\u2019t really want him in the band.\u00a0 He\u2019s maybe not academically inclined; so, he\u2019s not getting any kudos for his grades; but when he did the graffiti on the bridge, the gang yucked it up.<\/p>\n<p>So, now, who\u2019s got influence on this guy?\u00a0 Those who praise him, those who yuck it up.<\/p>\n<p>Or the man who\u2019s marriage is a little dry, little dusty, and his wife doesn\u2019t appreciate him; but that secretary at work, she notices little things, makes little comments, and appreciates him.\u00a0 Who\u2019s got influence?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 The one who\u2019s praising him.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How did this idea dawn on you?\u00a0 Do you remember a time when you kind of pulled back and said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m recognizing something here that I\u2019ve not always been aware of?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, over the years, I\u2019ve noticed it even back decades ago when I was teaching in the public schools.\u00a0 I had a student that I\u2019ll call Wayne.\u00a0 He was exactly the kind of young man that I talked about earlier.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t athletic.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t musical.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t academic.\u00a0 He was from a broken home.\u00a0 He was actually anti-social.\u00a0 He was destructive of school property.\u00a0 From day one in school, he would say, \u201cI hate school and everybody there!\u201d\u00a0 He acted that way.<\/p>\n<p>So, I had an agreement with the administration: any fatherless boys I\u2019d like to have them in my class.\u00a0 The administration was happy to go along with that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I bet.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 School full of women teachers, and I was male.\u00a0 I may not be better than those women teachers at a thousand things, but I\u2019m a little better at being a male than they are.<\/p>\n<p>So, I had Wayne in my class.\u00a0 I want Wayne to listen to me not because I know everything or I\u2019m perfect.\u00a0 I just think it\u2019s going to go better for him in his life if he listens to a teacher who\u2019s interested in his well-being.\u00a0 So, how am I going to get his attention?\u00a0 I thought\u2014I do believe already at this time, years ago, people are influenced by those who commend them.\u00a0 So, what can I commend in this boy?<\/p>\n<p>So, I\u2019d given an assignment to the students.\u00a0 I\u2019m working my way around the classroom answering questions of those who\u2019d raised their hands and needed some help or something.\u00a0 I\u2019m always keeping one eye on Wayne.\u00a0 I happened to notice that, though, he was not doing his assignment; he wasn\u2019t killing anybody.\u00a0 I thought, \u201cI\u2019ll take it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll take it.\u201d\u00a0 We can work from there.\u00a0 Build from there in incremental baby steps, as it were.<\/p>\n<p>So, I made my way over, came up from behind him, and I put my hand on his shoulder.\u00a0 He jerked his head around to look at me like \u201cWhat did I do now\u201d which was usually the case.\u00a0 Usually, he had done something\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014had been doing something\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014was up to trouble.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 He was just daydreaming out the window.\u00a0 That was all he was doing, just daydreaming.\u00a0 I said, \u201cI can tell that you are deep in thought.\u00a0 I like that about a guy, a guy who is a thinker.\u201d\u00a0 I patted him on the shoulder and walked off.\u00a0 He gave me this look on his face that I can still remember with emotion that \u201cSo, that\u2019s what it is like to get a compliment.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wow!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think there are people all over the place who are thirsty, \u201cWould somebody please appreciate something about me?\u201d\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t making a big deal out of it, you know?\u00a0 \u201cOh, you\u2019ll be Valedictorian or something; just, you\u2019re thinking that\u2019s good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, when you saw that expression on his face and you could tell it was like water on a parched ground, did that get your wheels spinning and go, \u201cIf I do more of this, we can make a difference here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it is everywhere.\u00a0 It\u2019s with young people.\u00a0 It\u2019s with adults.\u00a0 It\u2019s with your own kids.\u00a0 It\u2019s with your own parents.\u00a0 It\u2019s in church controversies.\u00a0 There are some people who will tone back, ratchet back, tune down the volume and intensity of disputes if they\u2019re appreciated for some of the good that they are also doing in the middle of whatever this dispute is.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is something that really needs to be raised in terms of the dialogue today within the Christian community.\u00a0 We\u2019re so often known by what we\u2019re against and by what we can point our bony fingers at.\u00a0 You\u2019re just calling people to step up and be positive and not always be critical, but to speak words of encouragement to people.<\/p>\n<p>I want to take a step back and assume nothing.\u00a0 Let\u2019s say you\u2019ve got a group of first graders that you\u2019re teaching.\u00a0 Explain to that group of first graders in your class what it means to affirm another person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 To affirm another person is not just to be nice to them.\u00a0 You could give money to somebody, and that\u2019s nice; but that doesn\u2019t affirm them for something they\u2019ve done.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been a blessing to them.\u00a0 You give them a cup of cold water in Jesus\u2019 name.\u00a0 That is a blessing, but you haven\u2019t affirmed them.<\/p>\n<p>To affirm them is to recognize some behavior, some pattern, that\u2019s in them and call it out.\u00a0 Call attention to that good thing with words and say so.\u00a0 \u201cGood job.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI like\u2014first grader, I like the way you shared with your neighbor, good.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI like the way you are giving me your attention right now.\u00a0 Attentiveness, that\u2019s a good thing.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou are on time when you come to school every morning.\u00a0 You\u2019re punctuality is a good quality about you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, affirmation looks back and latches onto something that has been done.\u00a0 You recognize something that has been done.\u00a0 That is a little different than encouragement, which can be cheerleading that looks forward and says, \u201cYou can do it!\u00a0 You can go!\u00a0 Come on win the game!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou can get this degree.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Affirmation looks back\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014at a reality that\u2019s been seen and recognizes it and says, \u201cThat was good.\u201d\u00a0 Specifically, what I argued for in the book, I called \u201cGod-centered praise of those who are not God,\u201d especially point out character qualities.\u00a0 \u201cCommend the commendable,\u201d I say, which is see some quality that is in Jesus and how that\u2019s replicated in other beings, in other people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was going to be my question in following up was \u201cIs it always because of something they do, because of who they are, or is it both?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sometimes, it can be something that somebody else has done.\u00a0 So, for example, Easter is a time when lots of little girls are wearing pretty dresses, bows, and lots of things.\u00a0 You could just say, \u201cWell, that\u2019s a pretty dress.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019d be true, and that\u2019d be fine.\u00a0 There\u2019s no sin in that.\u00a0 I\u2019m not against that kind of thing.<\/p>\n<p>Or you could say to a little girl, \u201cSomeone must love you to give you nice clothes like that.\u201d\u00a0 That draws attention to somebody else, what they\u2019ve done, and that they love you.\u00a0 You\u2019re a recipient of this grace that\u2019s coming to you.\u00a0 I\u2019m noticing that is in you, and you do look nice.\u00a0 So, it is a compliment to them, but it goes right through them, right past them.\u00a0 It ricochets off of them and goes to the one who actually did something godly like be generous.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 They may not have thought about the fact that this nice dress is an expression of love; that\u2019s just the dress that Mommy put on their bed.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, all of the sudden, they may pull back and think, \u201cYou know, somebody does love me.\u00a0 I never really thought about the provision of clothing as a statement of love.\u201d\u00a0 It might awaken in them a sense of gratitude that wasn\u2019t there before.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Back at the beginning of the program, Dennis was talking about how people are needing to be affirmed, to be appreciated.\u00a0 Bob needs to be appreciated, and people need to be appreciated.\u00a0 That\u2019s true.\u00a0 That is missing.\u00a0 Something else that\u2019s missing is the opportunity for people who know and love God to give Him the praise for what He\u2019s doing all the time, everywhere, in all the relationships that are around us.<\/p>\n<p>So, as we were having lunch recently, we looked out the window, and we remarked on the beauty on those heavens.\u00a0 The Bible says, \u201cThe heavens are declaring the glory of God.\u201d\u00a0 In the same way, God doesn\u2019t get honor if we don\u2019t say, \u201cWow!\u00a0 God did that sky out there.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t He amazing?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He doesn\u2019t get honor from us if we don\u2019t look around at the people that are around us, see what He\u2019s doing in them, and say, \u201cWow!\u00a0 He\u2019s really making her a generous person.\u00a0 He\u2019s really making him a courageous man.\u00a0 He\u2019s really making that child a creative, little person in His image.\u201d\u00a0 So, God doesn\u2019t get honor for things we don\u2019t give Him honor for.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t get the honor in the same way.<\/p>\n<p>So, there\u2019s a shortage of people doing these things.\u00a0 Therefore, the people are languishing for lack of affirmation; and God doesn\u2019t get the credit that belongs to Him because He\u2019s been at work all along.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is there a difference between affirming someone and flattering someone?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, my!\u00a0 Yes, there\u2019s good affirmation, and there\u2019s bad flattery.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What\u2019s bad flattery?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 The distinction line that I\u2019ll try to make here; and it\u2019s a fine line.\u00a0 It calls for judgment.\u00a0 You could say to someone\u2014you could affirm them for some character quality you see God developing in them.\u00a0 You don\u2019t care if they do anything for you ever.\u00a0 You have no investment in it.\u00a0 You are doing it because it is right for you.\u00a0 You just think, \u201cGod, this is the right thing for me to say to them; so, I\u2019m going to say this to them.\u00a0 It\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Or you could do it because you want a payback.\u00a0 Usually, flattery goes there.\u00a0 The young man that says to the pretty little thing, \u201cMy aren\u2019t you lovely,\u201d wants something, probably.\u00a0 Wants some relationship, some kind of relationship, or some favor from her.\u00a0 Then, flattery can be exaggerated, and it can be fallacious.\u00a0 It can, actually, be a lie.\u00a0 A salesman can make lying, flattering statements to a person; and that\u2019s not what I\u2019m talking about.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, it\u2019s manipulative.\u00a0 It\u2019s got an agenda with it, whereas, affirmation\u2014you\u2019re saying something that is true and observable with no desire to benefit from what you\u2019ve just said.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I wouldn\u2019t say it that way because I think you will benefit from being an affirming person, but you don\u2019t expect the benefit to come right back from the person you are affirming.\u00a0 So, when Jesus said, \u201cIf you give so much as a cup of water to a little one, you won\u2019t lose your reward.\u201d\u00a0 He\u2019s interested in us being interested in a reward, but you don\u2019t get it from the little one.\u00a0 You get it from God.<\/p>\n<p>There is a self interest in this affirmation.\u00a0 I make no secret about that in the book.\u00a0 This is good for the person doing the affirming.\u00a0 You win.\u00a0 You gain a hearing, among other things, if you do affirming.\u00a0 That\u2019s not the same as trying to manipulate or have an agenda.\u00a0 You said it very well.\u00a0 You should write a book on this or something.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re very affirming, but I\u2019m thinking about the marriages and the families that we talk to every day.\u00a0 How many issues, Dennis, in a marriage and family do you think if you dug below the surface there hasn\u2019t been any affirmation of anybody there for years?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, the nature of human relationships is to move to spotting the negative, pointing out the failures.\u00a0 The tongue becomes an ice pick rather than a paint brush.\u00a0 Instead of painting the glory of God on somebody\u2019s life, we chip away at their dignity.\u00a0 I think what Sam\u2019s calling us back to is \u201cHey, speak some words of appreciation, affirmation, and praise to your spouse.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m going to ask both of you guys this question, alright?\u00a0 Sam, Bob, what words of affirmation are most meaningful to you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 The one that jumps right into my mind is anything that\u2019s smatters of Christ like, especially if they use that language.\u00a0 \u201cYou strike me as being a Christian person.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ve had a few of those unsolicited remarks in my life.\u00a0 I go away, and I weep because God is at work in this profoundly broken sinner.<\/p>\n<p>The other two things\u2014I ask people to pray often.\u00a0 \u201cHow can I pray for you, Sam?\u201d\u00a0 Two things right away.\u00a0 One is wisdom because I\u2019m not naturally wise.\u00a0 I\u2019m a fool.\u00a0 The other is love because even if I were to do some wise things I could do them for selfish motivations instead for the good of others.\u00a0 So, if someone says, \u201cI want to ask you a question, Sam, because I want to ask it of a wise man.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m going, \u201cGod must be at work\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201c\u2014because that isn\u2019t me.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a loving man.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWow! Somebody\u2019s been praying for me then.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Those who said, \u201cHow can I pray for you?\u201d\u00a0 They must have really followed through.\u00a0 So, thank God for their faithfulness.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, what about you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was thinking in general categories and thinking, there are things that all of us do that we\u2019d like to think we\u2019re good at, at some level.\u00a0 \u201cThis is something I can do, and I\u2019m okay at it.\u201d\u00a0 So, I think when somebody comes along and acknowledges, not just with a general\u2014like somebody might come up and say, \u201cI heard your radio program.\u00a0 You guys do a great radio program.\u201d\u00a0 Well, that\u2019s nice.<\/p>\n<p>When somebody comes up and says, \u201cI was listening the other day.\u00a0 You asked this question of the guest, and it was exactly what I was thinking.\u00a0 I thought, \u201cHow does he know the right questions to ask?\u201d\u00a0 Now, when somebody says something like that\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 You do that by the way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He does.\u00a0 He absolutely does.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014when somebody affirms you in that kind of role, you go, \u201cThat\u2019s what I\u2019m hoping.\u201d\u00a0 It does affirm the sense that I\u2019m trying to do these things and somebody is saying, \u201cYou\u2019re not just trying.\u00a0 It\u2019s working.\u00a0 It\u2019s succeeding.\u201d\u00a0 That is water to the soul to go, \u201cI\u2019m not laboring in vain, but it\u2019s making a difference.\u201d\u00a0 I think that\u2019s where it comes for me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I am listening to you guys answer the question; I have to tell you this story.\u00a0 I would not have said this about myself had it not been for someone who really affirmed me a couple of months ago.\u00a0 I was working on my book, <em>Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood<\/em>; and I was in the process of finishing it with a guy here at FamilyLife who\u2019s a writer whose name is Tim.\u00a0 Tim had been in the trenches with me helping me with this, not just for months but for years.\u00a0 This book twelve years to write.<\/p>\n<p>So, it\u2019s not like Tim and I had shared a bunker for awhile.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t been\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 How long does it take to read?<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, exactly.\u00a0 Well, it doesn\u2019t take twelve years to read, I promise you that.\u00a0 Near the end of one of the sessions, Tim looked at me (I could get emotional about this too.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever been accused of this.\u00a0 I really don\u2019t).\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou are really a kind person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I went, \u201cWow!\u00a0 That\u2019s a work of God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 For a Type A.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 That\u2019s a great thing to have said about you by somebody on the planet at sometime in your lifetime\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Amen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014not multiple times, just once.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It really illustrates what you\u2019re talking about: not just the compliment that you are kind, loving, or that you know how to ask a question; but you know where the skill came from to do it.\u00a0 It was the work of God in your soul.<\/p>\n<p>So, here\u2019s the assignment for all the listeners today: before you put your head on a pillow, find a way to deposit a great compliment, a great word of affirmation, a great word of praise, on a person\u2019s life and make sure they know you mean it.\u00a0 Then, step back because what Sam said, You\u2019ll benefit.\u00a0 You will be blessed because of that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think if you want this to be more than just a one-time occurrence, if you want to cultivate a habit and grow in grace as you affirm others, it would be helpful to get a copy of Sam\u2019s book, <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>, which we\u2019ve got in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 You can find out more about the book online at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Again, go to the FamilyLife Today Resource Center online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Look for information about Sam Crabtree\u2019s book, <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>.\u00a0 You may want to go through this book together with others and use it as a small group study.\u00a0 In fact, speaking of small group studies, our <em>HomeBuilders Series<\/em>\u00ae of studies for couples\u2014we have a study on building up your spouse, how you practice affirmation in a marriage relationship.<\/p>\n<p>All of our <em>Homebuilder <\/em>titles during the month of August are available at a 25 percent discount.\u00a0 So, if you\u2019d like to find out more about how you can order some of the <em>HomeBuilders<\/em> studies at a savings; or again, find out more about Sam Crabtree\u2019s book, <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>; go online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call us toll-free at 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800- F as in \u201cfamily,\u201d L as in \u201clife,\u201d and then, the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>One of the ways we\u2019ve been affirmed this month is to hear from <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners.\u00a0 Many of you who are calling for the first time or going online for the first time to make a donation to support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 We are listener supported, and those donations are what cover the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program on our network of about 1,000 radio stations all across the country.\u00a0 We appreciate those of you who partner with us.<\/p>\n<p>We are especially grateful, this month, for the new partners who are joining with us, making a first-time donation in support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 In fact, we\u2019ve got a little thermometer on our website that\u2019s keeping track of those first-time donations.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been sending out a thank you gift this month to anyone who makes a donation, a CD sampler that features six messages from a recent <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00ae marriage getaway where Dennis Rainey and I were speaking.<\/p>\n<p>Those messages are available to anyone who makes a donation as our way of saying thanks for your support this month.\u00a0 All you have to do is type the word \u201cSAMPLER\u201d into the key code box that you find on the online donation form.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send the CD\u2019s out to you.\u00a0 Or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation, ask for the CD sampler.<\/p>\n<p>If you are a first-time donor this month and your donation is a $100 or more, we\u2019d like to say thanks to you by sending you a certificate so that you can attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway as our guest.\u00a0 You and your spouse can go as our guest, or you can pass it along to someone else you know.\u00a0 All you have to do is type the word \u201cHUNDRED\u201d into the online key code box when you make your donation online.<\/p>\n<p>Or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY and you make a first-time donation of $100 or more, ask for the gift certificate for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 Then, plan to join us this fall at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>.\u00a0 We\u2019ll look forward to seeing you there.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk more about how we can practice affirmation in marriage and in all of our relationships.\u00a0 Sam Crabtree is going to be back with us.\u00a0 Hope you can be back as well.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n"],"duration":["00:"],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.52M"],"filesize_raw":["24657389"],"_edit_lock":["1738169453:47000"],"_edit_last":["47000"],"theme_header_position":["Sticky"],"post_header_is_sticky":["default"],"is_header_overlay":["0"],"episode_type":["audio"],"date_recorded":["2011-08-22 11:00:00"],"enclosure":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-22.mp3"],"_seopress_redirections_type":["301"],"_seopress_redirections_logged_status":["both"],"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":[""],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302346.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302346.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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you recall the last time you praised someone?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-22.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Have you affirmed anyone with your words today?\u00a0 Do you even know what that means?\u00a0 Here\u2019s pastor and author Sam Crabtree.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 To affirm another person is not just to be nice to them.\u00a0 You could give money to somebody, and that\u2019s nice; but that doesn\u2019t affirm them for something they\u2019ve done.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been a blessing to them.\u00a0 You give them a cup of cold water in Jesus\u2019 name.\u00a0 That\u2019s a blessing, but you haven\u2019t affirmed them.<\/p>\n<p>To affirm them is to recognize some behavior, some pattern, that is in them and call it out.\u00a0 Call attention to that good thing with words.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, August 22<sup>nd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk today about how we can use our words, our tongues, to build up, encourage, and edify others.\u00a0 Stay with us.<\/p>\n<p>Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, have we\u2019ve ever had anybody who has been a master of something on the broadcast before?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 A master of\u2014well, yes.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had a lot of guests who are very proficient at whatever it is they are talking about or they\u2019ve done in their life.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had master fishermen on here.\u00a0 You love talking to\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014the hunters and the fishermen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve had some pretty heavy-hitter professionals.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Some master song writers.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Song writers and athletes.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had some outstanding athletes who\u2019ve been guests on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, we\u2019ve had some real masters.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Master coaches like Tony Dungy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve had master trivia people.\u00a0 Well, I guess that\u2019s me every day, doing the master trivia stuff.\u00a0 Right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would agree with that.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to argue with you.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p>Well, you know what?\u00a0 Our guest on today\u2019s program, Sam Crabtree, is the first master practitioner of affirmation\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The art of affirmation.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 He is the master practitioner of affirmation.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to welcome Sam to the broadcast.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Lord, have mercy on these generous descriptions.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p>If I was a really a master and convinced of that, I wouldn\u2019t have written a chapter in there about my failures.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Are you just doing this to affirm him as you introduce him on the broadcast?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know I hadn\u2019t thought of that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well done.\u00a0 Well done.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It worked.\u00a0 It worked.\u00a0 He has written a book called <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>.\u00a0 Now, think about putting your name on a book.\u00a0 The only other topic that I think would be more challenging to live up to would be practicing humility and put your name on it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And how I obtained it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Authored by, you know?\u00a0 Sam has done a great job with this work.\u00a0 I\u2019m really looking forward to our conversation Sam, as I told you\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Me too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014because I do think this topic owes its value to its scarcity.\u00a0 Sam is a former school teacher.\u00a0 He is the Executive Pastor at Bethlehem Baptist Church in the Twin Cities area up in Minnesota.\u00a0 Little pastor up there by the name of John Piper, who is a master teacher, I think.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you, Bob?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How did you come to be this master practitioner of affirmation?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, thanks, Dennis and Bob, for giving a subject like this some air time because I really am deeply convinced it\u2019s very important to every human being who has ever lived, is now living, and will ever live.\u00a0 I think people all over the place are thirsty for just a little bit.\u00a0 \u201cSomebody appreciate that I\u2019m even trying even if I fail.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s in offices, it\u2019s in marriages, it\u2019s in churches, it\u2019s everywhere.\u00a0 People just wish that someone would give them a pat on the back about something because we\u2019ve not all washed out totally.\u00a0 God has not forsaken all of us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 William James said, \u201cThe greatest need of the human heart is the need to be appreciated.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ve thought about that many times.\u00a0 I think it\u2019s just good for someone to put their hand on your shoulder and say, as I\u2019ve said to Bob, \u201cBob, I just appreciate you for your friendship, the high quality work you do here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and the great job you did on <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em>\u00ae.\u201d\u00a0 Bob always listens to me when I say that.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, that is one of the principles that drives me; is that, I do believe that people tend to be influenced by those who praise them, which explains why the teenager whose parents never give him any credit for anything and he\u2019s maybe not athletic; so, the coaches don\u2019t recruit him.\u00a0 He isn\u2019t musical; so, the band teacher doesn\u2019t really want him in the band.\u00a0 He\u2019s maybe not academically inclined; so, he\u2019s not getting any kudos for his grades; but when he did the graffiti on the bridge, the gang yucked it up.<\/p>\n<p>So, now, who\u2019s got influence on this guy?\u00a0 Those who praise him, those who yuck it up.<\/p>\n<p>Or the man who\u2019s marriage is a little dry, little dusty, and his wife doesn\u2019t appreciate him; but that secretary at work, she notices little things, makes little comments, and appreciates him.\u00a0 Who\u2019s got influence?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 The one who\u2019s praising him.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 How did this idea dawn on you?\u00a0 Do you remember a time when you kind of pulled back and said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m recognizing something here that I\u2019ve not always been aware of?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, over the years, I\u2019ve noticed it even back decades ago when I was teaching in the public schools.\u00a0 I had a student that I\u2019ll call Wayne.\u00a0 He was exactly the kind of young man that I talked about earlier.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t athletic.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t musical.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t academic.\u00a0 He was from a broken home.\u00a0 He was actually anti-social.\u00a0 He was destructive of school property.\u00a0 From day one in school, he would say, \u201cI hate school and everybody there!\u201d\u00a0 He acted that way.<\/p>\n<p>So, I had an agreement with the administration: any fatherless boys I\u2019d like to have them in my class.\u00a0 The administration was happy to go along with that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I bet.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 School full of women teachers, and I was male.\u00a0 I may not be better than those women teachers at a thousand things, but I\u2019m a little better at being a male than they are.<\/p>\n<p>So, I had Wayne in my class.\u00a0 I want Wayne to listen to me not because I know everything or I\u2019m perfect.\u00a0 I just think it\u2019s going to go better for him in his life if he listens to a teacher who\u2019s interested in his well-being.\u00a0 So, how am I going to get his attention?\u00a0 I thought\u2014I do believe already at this time, years ago, people are influenced by those who commend them.\u00a0 So, what can I commend in this boy?<\/p>\n<p>So, I\u2019d given an assignment to the students.\u00a0 I\u2019m working my way around the classroom answering questions of those who\u2019d raised their hands and needed some help or something.\u00a0 I\u2019m always keeping one eye on Wayne.\u00a0 I happened to notice that, though, he was not doing his assignment; he wasn\u2019t killing anybody.\u00a0 I thought, \u201cI\u2019ll take it.\u00a0 I\u2019ll take it.\u201d\u00a0 We can work from there.\u00a0 Build from there in incremental baby steps, as it were.<\/p>\n<p>So, I made my way over, came up from behind him, and I put my hand on his shoulder.\u00a0 He jerked his head around to look at me like \u201cWhat did I do now\u201d which was usually the case.\u00a0 Usually, he had done something\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014had been doing something\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014was up to trouble.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 He was just daydreaming out the window.\u00a0 That was all he was doing, just daydreaming.\u00a0 I said, \u201cI can tell that you are deep in thought.\u00a0 I like that about a guy, a guy who is a thinker.\u201d\u00a0 I patted him on the shoulder and walked off.\u00a0 He gave me this look on his face that I can still remember with emotion that \u201cSo, that\u2019s what it is like to get a compliment.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wow!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think there are people all over the place who are thirsty, \u201cWould somebody please appreciate something about me?\u201d\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t making a big deal out of it, you know?\u00a0 \u201cOh, you\u2019ll be Valedictorian or something; just, you\u2019re thinking that\u2019s good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, when you saw that expression on his face and you could tell it was like water on a parched ground, did that get your wheels spinning and go, \u201cIf I do more of this, we can make a difference here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it is everywhere.\u00a0 It\u2019s with young people.\u00a0 It\u2019s with adults.\u00a0 It\u2019s with your own kids.\u00a0 It\u2019s with your own parents.\u00a0 It\u2019s in church controversies.\u00a0 There are some people who will tone back, ratchet back, tune down the volume and intensity of disputes if they\u2019re appreciated for some of the good that they are also doing in the middle of whatever this dispute is.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is something that really needs to be raised in terms of the dialogue today within the Christian community.\u00a0 We\u2019re so often known by what we\u2019re against and by what we can point our bony fingers at.\u00a0 You\u2019re just calling people to step up and be positive and not always be critical, but to speak words of encouragement to people.<\/p>\n<p>I want to take a step back and assume nothing.\u00a0 Let\u2019s say you\u2019ve got a group of first graders that you\u2019re teaching.\u00a0 Explain to that group of first graders in your class what it means to affirm another person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 To affirm another person is not just to be nice to them.\u00a0 You could give money to somebody, and that\u2019s nice; but that doesn\u2019t affirm them for something they\u2019ve done.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been a blessing to them.\u00a0 You give them a cup of cold water in Jesus\u2019 name.\u00a0 That is a blessing, but you haven\u2019t affirmed them.<\/p>\n<p>To affirm them is to recognize some behavior, some pattern, that\u2019s in them and call it out.\u00a0 Call attention to that good thing with words and say so.\u00a0 \u201cGood job.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI like\u2014first grader, I like the way you shared with your neighbor, good.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI like the way you are giving me your attention right now.\u00a0 Attentiveness, that\u2019s a good thing.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou are on time when you come to school every morning.\u00a0 You\u2019re punctuality is a good quality about you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, affirmation looks back and latches onto something that has been done.\u00a0 You recognize something that has been done.\u00a0 That is a little different than encouragement, which can be cheerleading that looks forward and says, \u201cYou can do it!\u00a0 You can go!\u00a0 Come on win the game!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou can get this degree.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Affirmation looks back\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014at a reality that\u2019s been seen and recognizes it and says, \u201cThat was good.\u201d\u00a0 Specifically, what I argued for in the book, I called \u201cGod-centered praise of those who are not God,\u201d especially point out character qualities.\u00a0 \u201cCommend the commendable,\u201d I say, which is see some quality that is in Jesus and how that\u2019s replicated in other beings, in other people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was going to be my question in following up was \u201cIs it always because of something they do, because of who they are, or is it both?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sometimes, it can be something that somebody else has done.\u00a0 So, for example, Easter is a time when lots of little girls are wearing pretty dresses, bows, and lots of things.\u00a0 You could just say, \u201cWell, that\u2019s a pretty dress.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019d be true, and that\u2019d be fine.\u00a0 There\u2019s no sin in that.\u00a0 I\u2019m not against that kind of thing.<\/p>\n<p>Or you could say to a little girl, \u201cSomeone must love you to give you nice clothes like that.\u201d\u00a0 That draws attention to somebody else, what they\u2019ve done, and that they love you.\u00a0 You\u2019re a recipient of this grace that\u2019s coming to you.\u00a0 I\u2019m noticing that is in you, and you do look nice.\u00a0 So, it is a compliment to them, but it goes right through them, right past them.\u00a0 It ricochets off of them and goes to the one who actually did something godly like be generous.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 They may not have thought about the fact that this nice dress is an expression of love; that\u2019s just the dress that Mommy put on their bed.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, all of the sudden, they may pull back and think, \u201cYou know, somebody does love me.\u00a0 I never really thought about the provision of clothing as a statement of love.\u201d\u00a0 It might awaken in them a sense of gratitude that wasn\u2019t there before.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Back at the beginning of the program, Dennis was talking about how people are needing to be affirmed, to be appreciated.\u00a0 Bob needs to be appreciated, and people need to be appreciated.\u00a0 That\u2019s true.\u00a0 That is missing.\u00a0 Something else that\u2019s missing is the opportunity for people who know and love God to give Him the praise for what He\u2019s doing all the time, everywhere, in all the relationships that are around us.<\/p>\n<p>So, as we were having lunch recently, we looked out the window, and we remarked on the beauty on those heavens.\u00a0 The Bible says, \u201cThe heavens are declaring the glory of God.\u201d\u00a0 In the same way, God doesn\u2019t get honor if we don\u2019t say, \u201cWow!\u00a0 God did that sky out there.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t He amazing?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He doesn\u2019t get honor from us if we don\u2019t look around at the people that are around us, see what He\u2019s doing in them, and say, \u201cWow!\u00a0 He\u2019s really making her a generous person.\u00a0 He\u2019s really making him a courageous man.\u00a0 He\u2019s really making that child a creative, little person in His image.\u201d\u00a0 So, God doesn\u2019t get honor for things we don\u2019t give Him honor for.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t get the honor in the same way.<\/p>\n<p>So, there\u2019s a shortage of people doing these things.\u00a0 Therefore, the people are languishing for lack of affirmation; and God doesn\u2019t get the credit that belongs to Him because He\u2019s been at work all along.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Is there a difference between affirming someone and flattering someone?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, my!\u00a0 Yes, there\u2019s good affirmation, and there\u2019s bad flattery.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What\u2019s bad flattery?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 The distinction line that I\u2019ll try to make here; and it\u2019s a fine line.\u00a0 It calls for judgment.\u00a0 You could say to someone\u2014you could affirm them for some character quality you see God developing in them.\u00a0 You don\u2019t care if they do anything for you ever.\u00a0 You have no investment in it.\u00a0 You are doing it because it is right for you.\u00a0 You just think, \u201cGod, this is the right thing for me to say to them; so, I\u2019m going to say this to them.\u00a0 It\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Or you could do it because you want a payback.\u00a0 Usually, flattery goes there.\u00a0 The young man that says to the pretty little thing, \u201cMy aren\u2019t you lovely,\u201d wants something, probably.\u00a0 Wants some relationship, some kind of relationship, or some favor from her.\u00a0 Then, flattery can be exaggerated, and it can be fallacious.\u00a0 It can, actually, be a lie.\u00a0 A salesman can make lying, flattering statements to a person; and that\u2019s not what I\u2019m talking about.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, it\u2019s manipulative.\u00a0 It\u2019s got an agenda with it, whereas, affirmation\u2014you\u2019re saying something that is true and observable with no desire to benefit from what you\u2019ve just said.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I wouldn\u2019t say it that way because I think you will benefit from being an affirming person, but you don\u2019t expect the benefit to come right back from the person you are affirming.\u00a0 So, when Jesus said, \u201cIf you give so much as a cup of water to a little one, you won\u2019t lose your reward.\u201d\u00a0 He\u2019s interested in us being interested in a reward, but you don\u2019t get it from the little one.\u00a0 You get it from God.<\/p>\n<p>There is a self interest in this affirmation.\u00a0 I make no secret about that in the book.\u00a0 This is good for the person doing the affirming.\u00a0 You win.\u00a0 You gain a hearing, among other things, if you do affirming.\u00a0 That\u2019s not the same as trying to manipulate or have an agenda.\u00a0 You said it very well.\u00a0 You should write a book on this or something.<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re very affirming, but I\u2019m thinking about the marriages and the families that we talk to every day.\u00a0 How many issues, Dennis, in a marriage and family do you think if you dug below the surface there hasn\u2019t been any affirmation of anybody there for years?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, the nature of human relationships is to move to spotting the negative, pointing out the failures.\u00a0 The tongue becomes an ice pick rather than a paint brush.\u00a0 Instead of painting the glory of God on somebody\u2019s life, we chip away at their dignity.\u00a0 I think what Sam\u2019s calling us back to is \u201cHey, speak some words of appreciation, affirmation, and praise to your spouse.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m going to ask both of you guys this question, alright?\u00a0 Sam, Bob, what words of affirmation are most meaningful to you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 The one that jumps right into my mind is anything that\u2019s smatters of Christ like, especially if they use that language.\u00a0 \u201cYou strike me as being a Christian person.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ve had a few of those unsolicited remarks in my life.\u00a0 I go away, and I weep because God is at work in this profoundly broken sinner.<\/p>\n<p>The other two things\u2014I ask people to pray often.\u00a0 \u201cHow can I pray for you, Sam?\u201d\u00a0 Two things right away.\u00a0 One is wisdom because I\u2019m not naturally wise.\u00a0 I\u2019m a fool.\u00a0 The other is love because even if I were to do some wise things I could do them for selfish motivations instead for the good of others.\u00a0 So, if someone says, \u201cI want to ask you a question, Sam, because I want to ask it of a wise man.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m going, \u201cGod must be at work\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201c\u2014because that isn\u2019t me.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re a loving man.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWow! Somebody\u2019s been praying for me then.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Those who said, \u201cHow can I pray for you?\u201d\u00a0 They must have really followed through.\u00a0 So, thank God for their faithfulness.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, what about you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was thinking in general categories and thinking, there are things that all of us do that we\u2019d like to think we\u2019re good at, at some level.\u00a0 \u201cThis is something I can do, and I\u2019m okay at it.\u201d\u00a0 So, I think when somebody comes along and acknowledges, not just with a general\u2014like somebody might come up and say, \u201cI heard your radio program.\u00a0 You guys do a great radio program.\u201d\u00a0 Well, that\u2019s nice.<\/p>\n<p>When somebody comes up and says, \u201cI was listening the other day.\u00a0 You asked this question of the guest, and it was exactly what I was thinking.\u00a0 I thought, \u201cHow does he know the right questions to ask?\u201d\u00a0 Now, when somebody says something like that\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 You do that by the way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He does.\u00a0 He absolutely does.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014when somebody affirms you in that kind of role, you go, \u201cThat\u2019s what I\u2019m hoping.\u201d\u00a0 It does affirm the sense that I\u2019m trying to do these things and somebody is saying, \u201cYou\u2019re not just trying.\u00a0 It\u2019s working.\u00a0 It\u2019s succeeding.\u201d\u00a0 That is water to the soul to go, \u201cI\u2019m not laboring in vain, but it\u2019s making a difference.\u201d\u00a0 I think that\u2019s where it comes for me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I am listening to you guys answer the question; I have to tell you this story.\u00a0 I would not have said this about myself had it not been for someone who really affirmed me a couple of months ago.\u00a0 I was working on my book, <em>Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood<\/em>; and I was in the process of finishing it with a guy here at FamilyLife who\u2019s a writer whose name is Tim.\u00a0 Tim had been in the trenches with me helping me with this, not just for months but for years.\u00a0 This book twelve years to write.<\/p>\n<p>So, it\u2019s not like Tim and I had shared a bunker for awhile.\u00a0 He hadn\u2019t been\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 How long does it take to read?<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, exactly.\u00a0 Well, it doesn\u2019t take twelve years to read, I promise you that.\u00a0 Near the end of one of the sessions, Tim looked at me (I could get emotional about this too.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever been accused of this.\u00a0 I really don\u2019t).\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou are really a kind person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I went, \u201cWow!\u00a0 That\u2019s a work of God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>(laughter)<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 For a Type A.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 That\u2019s a great thing to have said about you by somebody on the planet at sometime in your lifetime\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Amen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014not multiple times, just once.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sam:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It really illustrates what you\u2019re talking about: not just the compliment that you are kind, loving, or that you know how to ask a question; but you know where the skill came from to do it.\u00a0 It was the work of God in your soul.<\/p>\n<p>So, here\u2019s the assignment for all the listeners today: before you put your head on a pillow, find a way to deposit a great compliment, a great word of affirmation, a great word of praise, on a person\u2019s life and make sure they know you mean it.\u00a0 Then, step back because what Sam said, You\u2019ll benefit.\u00a0 You will be blessed because of that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think if you want this to be more than just a one-time occurrence, if you want to cultivate a habit and grow in grace as you affirm others, it would be helpful to get a copy of Sam\u2019s book, <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>, which we\u2019ve got in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 You can find out more about the book online at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Again, go to the FamilyLife Today Resource Center online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Look for information about Sam Crabtree\u2019s book, <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>.\u00a0 You may want to go through this book together with others and use it as a small group study.\u00a0 In fact, speaking of small group studies, our <em>HomeBuilders Series<\/em>\u00ae of studies for couples\u2014we have a study on building up your spouse, how you practice affirmation in a marriage relationship.<\/p>\n<p>All of our <em>Homebuilder <\/em>titles during the month of August are available at a 25 percent discount.\u00a0 So, if you\u2019d like to find out more about how you can order some of the <em>HomeBuilders<\/em> studies at a savings; or again, find out more about Sam Crabtree\u2019s book, <em>Practicing Affirmation<\/em>; go online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call us toll-free at 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800- F as in \u201cfamily,\u201d L as in \u201clife,\u201d and then, the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>One of the ways we\u2019ve been affirmed this month is to hear from <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners.\u00a0 Many of you who are calling for the first time or going online for the first time to make a donation to support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 We are listener supported, and those donations are what cover the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program on our network of about 1,000 radio stations all across the country.\u00a0 We appreciate those of you who partner with us.<\/p>\n<p>We are especially grateful, this month, for the new partners who are joining with us, making a first-time donation in support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 In fact, we\u2019ve got a little thermometer on our website that\u2019s keeping track of those first-time donations.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been sending out a thank you gift this month to anyone who makes a donation, a CD sampler that features six messages from a recent <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00ae marriage getaway where Dennis Rainey and I were speaking.<\/p>\n<p>Those messages are available to anyone who makes a donation as our way of saying thanks for your support this month.\u00a0 All you have to do is type the word \u201cSAMPLER\u201d into the key code box that you find on the online donation form.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send the CD\u2019s out to you.\u00a0 Or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation, ask for the CD sampler.<\/p>\n<p>If you are a first-time donor this month and your donation is a $100 or more, we\u2019d like to say thanks to you by sending you a certificate so that you can attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway as our guest.\u00a0 You and your spouse can go as our guest, or you can pass it along to someone else you know.\u00a0 All you have to do is type the word \u201cHUNDRED\u201d into the online key code box when you make your donation online.<\/p>\n<p>Or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY and you make a first-time donation of $100 or more, ask for the gift certificate for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 Then, plan to join us this fall at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>.\u00a0 We\u2019ll look forward to seeing you there.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk more about how we can practice affirmation in marriage and in all of our relationships.\u00a0 Sam Crabtree is going to be back with us.\u00a0 Hope you can be back as well.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a 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