{"id":302334,"date":"2011-08-04T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-08-04T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/extending-courtesy-to-your-mate\/"},"modified":"2011-08-04T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-08-04T15:00:00","slug":"extending-courtesy-to-your-mate","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/extending-courtesy-to-your-mate\/","title":{"rendered":"Extending Courtesy to Your Mate"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It\u2019s the little things that count, especially in marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-04.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.36M","filesize_raw":"25538559","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2808],"tags":[4034],"podcast_series":[7815],"cwp_profile":[3256],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302334","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-newlyweds","tag-newlyweds","podcast_series-put-the-seat-down","cwp_profile-jess-maccallum","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302334\/extending-courtesy-to-your-mate","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302334\/extending-courtesy-to-your-mate","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"aAjJ9qaQzj\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/extending-courtesy-to-your-mate\/\">Extending Courtesy to Your Mate<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/extending-courtesy-to-your-mate\/embed\/#?secret=aAjJ9qaQzj\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Extending Courtesy to Your Mate&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"aAjJ9qaQzj\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-04.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-04.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The Bible teaches us to affirm one another, to encourage and build up one another.\u00a0 That\u2019s something that a new husband has to learn how to get good at.\u00a0 Jess MacCallum says he has got to learn how to do things like this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>If you have just moved into a new apartment together, you make sure that you point out what she has done to create an environment because that\u2019s what she is trying to do.\u00a0 She isn\u2019t trying to match drapes and curtains; she isn\u2019t trying to match that.\u00a0 She\u2019s trying to creating a feeling.\u00a0 You will go a long way on that if, when you have people over, you bring them into her remodeled area and you brag about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, August 4<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We have lots of very practical counsel today for husbands who are in the first months, maybe the first couple of years of marriage.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I\u2019m just wondering if our guest, Jess MacCallum, is going to take any heat for the title of this book.\u00a0 Do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, it's the first book we\u2019ve ever featured on<em> FamilyLife Today <\/em>where there is a toilet on the front.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The toilet seat!\u00a0 The book is called <em>Put the Seat Down; <\/em>and I\u2019ve talked with guys who say, \u201cWell, now, wait a sec.\u00a0 Why is it me who has to put the seat down?\u00a0 I mean, she can put it up when she is done.\u00a0 Why is it the guy that has to put the seat down?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I know how I would answer that.\u00a0 Let\u2019s let Jess.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s what he called the book, <em>Put the Seat Down.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>He better have an answer for it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He undoubtedly has a great answer to that.\u00a0 He and his wife Ann dated for nine years, been married since 1988, have three children.\u00a0 He is a businessman, and how would you answer Bob\u2019s question?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I would say, \u201cYou can learn it the hard way or you can do what Peter said.\u201d\u00a0 In one of his letters was, \u201cto live with your wife in such a considerate way that your prayers will not be hindered.\u201d\u00a0 If you want to be considerate\u2014and this is what that chapter is really about\u2014is being considerate and thoughtful in the small things that serve her in ways that will multiply.\u00a0 These are small things that add up to a huge amount.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the hard way is she will sit down in a cold bowl of water one night because you are a guy and you are used to rooming with guys, and being in dorms, or with roommates.\u00a0 She hits that cold water because she is used to living with girls, who always put the seat down.\u00a0 So you tell me which battle you want to fight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Did you ever forget to put the seat down?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>She can tell you, in 23 years of marriage, about three times, where there was something on my mind so much.\u00a0 That\u2019s how she knows something is really bothering me is because I will forget to put the seat down.\u00a0 She will come up and say, \u201cWell, something is bothering you.\u00a0 What is it because you forgot to put the seat down?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, all I know is, I remember being awakened from a sound sleep.\u00a0 (laughter)\u00a0 I was sleeping very peacefully and, all of a sudden, I hear a loud crash in the bathroom; and I woke up.\u00a0 Mary Ann was not next to me in the bed.\u00a0 I said, \u201cDid you hear that, what was that?\u201c\u00a0 She said, \u201cOh, I was just putting the seat down for you.\u201d\u00a0 I think I have remembered since then to put the seat down.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I actually got this from one of my old mentors from the Navigators who had four daughters.\u00a0 He used to say in Bible study\u2014he says, \u201cLook, guys, I am the only male member of a sorority.\u00a0 So when you use my bathroom, put the seat down when you leave.\u201d\u00a0 He says, \u201cI will pay for it later.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And we make this\u2014I mean it seems like this is trivial, and it's kind of like everybody jokes about this.\u00a0 There is really a bigger principle than who puts the seat down, isn\u2019t there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 It\u2019s that whole idea of consideration, which goes beyond the manners or upbringing.\u00a0 I am talking about the little things that make a huge difference.\u00a0 For example, the one thing Ann wanted most, little thing that she wanted in our early years, she wouldn\u2019t have the side of the bed where she could see the moon at night.\u00a0 That was a big deal to her\u2014was to be able to look out the window and see the moon.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, when you move as many times as we did in the first few years, the bedrooms change.\u00a0 The windows are in a different position.\u00a0 You are always moving the furniture differently.\u00a0 I am a creature of habit; I like routine; I like the same side of the bed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I switched sides back and forth and back and forth for about four years.\u00a0 It's always one or the other, and then I would just stumble to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I couldn\u2019t remember which side of the bed I was on.\u00a0 I had to rearrange everything in my life.\u00a0 That nighttime thinking, it goes on autopilot.\u00a0 So I would get up and walk the wrong direction in the new place we were staying, but it was important to her to see the moon when she looked out at night when she woke up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>A young man who is starting out a marriage is beginning a journey to really learn how to love another imperfect human being.\u00a0 Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships.\u00a0 The way I would encourage a young man to look at the toilet seat or what side of the bed you sleep on is to look at it as an expression of love, maybe consider tying it to common courtesies.\u00a0 I have always enjoyed thinking about courtesies the way Elisabeth Elliot, the missionary to South America, described it.\u00a0 She said, \u201cThink of a common courtesy as, \u2018My life for your life.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I have thought about, as I open the door for my wife, still after 38 years of marriage, \u201cI will try to get over to the side of the car to open the door for her;\u201d or when we go in the house, I will wait after I have turned the lock, I will step back so she can go in first.\u00a0 It's a statement of, \u201cMy life for yours.\u201d\u00a0 I believe, as you just said, Jess, those little things really do begin to add up in a woman\u2019s life and her soul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I have a friend who shared this a number of years ago, and I have never stopped to think about it.\u00a0 He said, \u201cOne of the things that honors my wife, that\u2019s a blessing to her is,\u201d he said, \u201cI will pretty regularly take her car and make sure that I\u2019m the one putting the gas in her car for her, that she doesn\u2019t have to stop and fill up with gas.\u201d\u00a0 I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s a simple thing.\u00a0 I mean, it's not saying, \u2018You\u2019re not qualified to fill up your own gas tank.\u2019\u00a0 It's just saying, \u2018This is one of the things I\u2019m going to do for you\u2014is keep the car full of gas, get the oil changed, and take care of your vehicle.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, what you are doing is exactly one of the practical points I would like to make on this topic in your first year marriage is, \u201cWhen you have a household set of chores\u2014and it was divided up differently when you were rooming with whatever situation\u2014pick the chores she hates the most and you do those.\u201d\u00a0 Just tell her, \u201cWrite down which is it; we\u2019ve got all these things to do.\u00a0 Tell me the ones you don\u2019t like; I\u2019ll do them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s great advice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Take that right off her back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>My son is still single.\u00a0 He is in his 20s.\u00a0 He has got a job and, in fact, decided he was going to become a homeowner.\u00a0 So he bought a home.\u00a0 He has got a three-bedroom home with a couple of guys living with him in the home, charging them rent.\u00a0 He refers to the home as Fort Lepine, and he will talk about getting the guys over, \u201cEverybody is coming over to Fort Lepine tonight for whatever else.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let\u2019s just imagine for a moment that my son had met a woman and had decided that he was going to kick out his roommates and bring her in.\u00a0 She is going to be the new queen of Fort Lepine.\u00a0 How does Fort Lepine need to change if it's going to be the two of them living there as compared to my son and his buddies?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He may want to remember that it's his castle but it's her nest.\u00a0 She is going to have a nesting instinct.\u00a0 If you have any experience with women at all, you know they like to make an environment.\u00a0 They like to put their personality onto it, whatever it may be.\u00a0 He is going to have to sacrifice.\u00a0 In fact, I almost wonder if that\u2019s not too much for a man to be a single homeowner and bring a woman into it.\u00a0 It might just be too stressful for him to give up all the cinder blocks, and wooden planks, and that \u201880s eclectic style and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Not if he changed the name of Fort Lepine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think that would be a good step to begin with and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 To Ann\u2019s Castle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Something like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Or Ann\u2019s Nest?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Green Gables or something.\u00a0 Yes, something more appropriate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I mean, you are offering some really profound advice here.\u00a0 I mean, I am\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is really practical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It really is.\u00a0 We have been married 38 years, and I\u2019m still discovering that Barbara really likes to feather her nest and make it an expression of her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, let me just ask you a question.\u00a0 Anytime in the last 38 years when you have thought to yourself, \u201cYou know, I would kind of like to rearrange the furniture in this room\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No, never.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>How about you?\u00a0 Ever occurred to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I would like to get rid of some furniture\u2014to make some space.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Alright.\u00a0 So, the other day, Mary Ann says, \u201cCan you come in the living room?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 She wanted the sofa in a different place.\u00a0 So, I helped her move the sofa.\u00a0 I remember doing it thinking, \u201cWhat is it inside a woman that says, \u2018Let\u2019s change the environment,\u2019 because\u2014and it's fine with me.\u00a0 The sofa can be here; it can be there.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t really matter.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And it can stay there for 25 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I am good with that, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The same one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The same sofa is good but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Or she can move it back and forth and back and forth on the same day, and you have to do it.\u00a0 You need to be quiet and say, \u201cYes, dear.\u00a0 Yes, I think you are right.\u201d\u00a0 Whatever she decides on, you just affirm it because if you don\u2019t, you are going to keep moving it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Really, if I give any advice around this, enter into her moving stuff around and engage around what looks good.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t just want you to move the furniture like a robot, \u201cYes, I can do that, dear.\u201d\u00a0 No, she wants you to enter her world because that is an expression of who she is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Okay, but wait just a sec.\u00a0 When she says, \u201cDo you think we should have curtains here or mini blinds?\u201d and you are looking and going, \u201cDoesn\u2019t matter; I don\u2019t really care.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>My wife\u2019s never consulted me on the details.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So when she tries to engage you in the decorating process, and you are going, \u201cReally, I am fine with it either way.\u201d\u00a0 Should you pretend that you are engaged or\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I don\u2019t pretend.\u00a0 I actually want to find out why she thinks what she thinks, so she says.\u00a0 Well, because it's the only way I can actually stay awake during the conversation.\u00a0 So I want to know.\u00a0 She says, \u201cWould you like this or would you like that picture hanging there?\u201d and I have absolutely no opinion on that.\u00a0 Instead of saying that, I\u2019d say, \u201cWhat's the concept you are after?\u00a0 What do you think it's going to do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s brilliant.\u00a0 That is a brilliant question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Write that down.\u00a0 What's the concept you are going after?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Do not give Jess credit for this in your marriage, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Please take the credit yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I got to believe Barbara because Barbara has an artistic side to her.\u00a0 She likes the nest to look beautiful.\u00a0 I can hear her saying, \u201cDo you think we should do this or this?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I just looked at blinds the other day with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And does it matter to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No.\u00a0 (laughter) No, but because it's important to her\u2014again, we have been married a lot of years.\u00a0 So, I mean, I\u2019ve made some of these bonehead choices in the past.\u00a0 I think what you are saying here is, \u201cEnter into her world.\u00a0 Realize that it's not Fort Lepine; it is a castle, and she is the queen of the castle.\u00a0 If you treat her as queen, she may crown you king.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You will go a long way on that if, when you have people over, you bring them into her remodeled area and you brag about it because they\u2019ve seen it before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Or if you\u2019ve just moved into a new apartment together, you make sure that you point out what she\u2019s done to create an environment because that\u2019s what she\u2019s trying to do.\u00a0 She isn\u2019t trying to match that; she\u2019s trying to create a feeling, and that\u2019s what you need to point out to people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Let me ask you about\u2014because really, we\u2019re talking about adjustments that we have to make when we get married.\u00a0 I think it's was Norm Wright who said, \u201cIn a first marriage, it's a three- to five-year process to make the adjustments, where you are kind of learning how to be in rhythm with one another.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said \u201cIf it\u2019s a second marriage, it goes five to eight years to try to make those adjustments just because you bring a lot of patterns in with you.\u201d\u00a0 What about the first year of marriage as it relates to intimacy and the sexual relationship?\u00a0 A lot of couples get married today\u2014that\u2019s been a part of their relationship prior to marriage.\u00a0 Does marriage somehow change that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s a huge topic.\u00a0 I do have a chapter in the book called \u201cHoly Sex\u201d because there is holy sex and then there are unholy patterns that people have and they bring into their relationships.\u00a0 It would be na\u00efve for us to sit and think that most Christian couples are virgins, or even a large percentage in today\u2019s society.\u00a0 Even those that are\u2014are inundated with sexual message\u2014the movies and television.\u00a0 The internet is just trying to poison about everybody\u2019s thinking it can get its hands on, in some areas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHaving said that, I think that this is an area where, if you are going to get counseling on anything, it would be this one if you feel like there is significant baggage.\u00a0 Only you can tell whether or not you brought baggage, created your own baggage with each other, or expect to face significant issues like anything from childhood sexual abuse for one of the partner\u2019s past experiences, experiences with each other\u2014maybe you have come to Christ later, and it's just a very complex situation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe bottom line is, \u201cYou must be sacrificial.\u00a0 You must be patient.\u00a0 You must lead toward things of God in the bed and away from the things of world right there in the bed.\u201d\u00a0 The New Testament says, \u201cThe marriage bed should be honored by all.\u00a0 It should be pure.\u00a0 It should be holy.\u201d\u00a0 It's the actual act of intimacy that is considered an act of worship.\u00a0 It's a oneness that the world has got no idea, but we bring all that baggage in.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is an area where I don\u2019t think any couple would say, \u201cThis is not in the top one or two.\u201d\u00a0 In fact, I have a cartoon in the book, where the couples are in front a counselor and say, \u201cWe only argue about money or sex, depending on which one is in shorter supply.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Your dad gave you some advice five minutes before your wedding.\u00a0 Your dad must have observed your relationship.\u00a0 You dated for nine years before you were married.\u00a0 Five minutes before you are to welcome and coming down the aisle, he said what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>To tell you about it real quick.\u00a0 My dad was a World War II vet, a John Wayne type\u2014not a big communicator, not a big talker.\u00a0 We never had \u201cthe sex talk.\u201d\u00a0 So right before we were to walk out, I said, \u201cDad, I guess it's about time for that sex talk.\u201d\u00a0 He nodded.\u00a0 He looked to me and said, \u201cTake your time buddy.\u00a0 You will do fine.\u201d\u00a0 That was some of the best advice I have ever gotten when it came to sex.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You made an important point here.\u00a0 Most people getting married today are bringing with them into the bedroom some pattern of sexual sin prior to marriage, whether it's been with one another, been with other partners, whether it's been sexual sin through pornography.\u00a0 There is some pattern being brought in.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think many couples, many individuals, have a tendency to minimize, downplay, and figure, \u201cThat\u2019s not that big a deal,\u201d and to be surprised then when marital relations\u2014there are challenges in that area.\u00a0 They never pull back and go, \u201cGee, I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that I have had some sin patterns in my life and I have never really dealt with those honestly before God?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong> I agree with that.\u00a0 Let me read you a verse, where we interject a phrase; and you will know where it goes when I read it.\u00a0 Romans 8:6, \u201cFor the mind set on the flesh is death in the bedroom, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace in the bedroom.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, that\u2019s where the holiness takes place.\u00a0 That act has to be held in such sacred esteem that you will not tolerate, as the leader, the world\u2019s pattern coming into your bedroom.\u00a0 You will not let your bride\u2014the one that\u2019s supposed to be Christ in the church\u2014the holiness that you want her to experience\u2014you will be ruthless with anything that\u2019s lingering.\u00a0 You won't have anything left over, you won't be trying anything uncomfortable for her, you will be communicating, and above all, you will be there for her satisfaction first and yours second, which if you sacrifice, Christ\u2019s promises that He will multiply the results.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0Two other points you hit in the book on different topics, Jess.\u00a0 I just want you to comment on the topics of in-laws and money because both of these can cause enormous conflicts early in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess<\/strong>:\u00a0 In-laws.\u00a0 Boy, it gets very complicated because there are multiple sets of in-laws for a lot of people.\u00a0 They don\u2019t have just her set of parents and your set of parents.\u00a0 In fact, it's her two sets of parents with re-marriage and his single mom and dad\u2019s second wife and these are issues that require\u2014back to the communication.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou are the leader.\u00a0 You need to set boundaries.\u00a0 You need to find out what your wife thinks on everything that goes on and you need to lead her through the things that make her feel safe and secure.\u00a0 You have to help with disappointments.\u00a0 If she doesn\u2019t get the sister she always wanted because your sister is not the kind who wants to be pals, you have to help her adjust to that.\u00a0 You have got to decide about everything from holiday schedules\u2014even in the best-case scenario when you have sets of parents and everybody likes everybody\u2014there is only one Christmas, and there is only one Thanksgiving, and there are distances and things.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll these complications need to be talked about, and you need to come up with some agreements well in advance of any event.\u00a0 If you have in-laws that are intrusive, it's the kind of thing that as the man, you don\u2019t let her take care of her side of the family.\u00a0 This is your wife, and you really don\u2019t have sides of the family anymore.\u00a0 Your family relates to those two other families as a unit.\u00a0 If you get that out on the table early, you are going to avoid so much conflict by shooting from the hip.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0Honestly, that piece of advice right there is worth the price of the book because a lot of young men underestimate the power of the family they came from or the power of their wife\u2019s family and where she is coming from.\u00a0 I mean, the failure to leave and cleave, either by the husband or the wife or by both of them, cause a lot of problems.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow let's go on to money.\u00a0 What's your best advice on money?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do not try to manage two economies.\u00a0 You must blend those economies.\u00a0 I have seen it both ways; and if you are paying your side of the bills and she is paying her side of the bills, that is going to create more tension than blending the two and then wondering, \u201cWhy you wrote a check to such and such?\u201d or, \u201cHow did you overspend on that?\u201d\u00a0 Better to have that discussion than to have two separate economies going on in the same household.\u00a0 I think that is just\u2014I have seen it.\u00a0 I know people doing that now; I think that\u2019s a terrible mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I was with a young lady not too long ago, and she was commenting on this.\u00a0 She was about to be married; and she said, \u201cDid you know we put all of our money into one checking account and we are no longer fighting about who is filling up whose car?\u201d\u00a0 This was all occurring as an engaged couple; but this husband had the wisdom to say, \u201cLet's put all of our money together in anticipation of marriage into one checking account.\u00a0 Let's begin to pay our bills out of that.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cIt\u2019s liberating because he is taking responsibility for that side of our relationship.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I would encourage complete transparency on the financial front.\u00a0 You know, a couple of little things is, \u201cDon\u2019t get any credit card.\u00a0 You have already got enough.\u201d\u00a0 If you are 16 years or older, you probably already have a credit card.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get into the credit card debt.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you mix those economies, don\u2019t assume that the man is the one who is the handler of the money.\u00a0 I know too many guys who are terrible with money or details.\u00a0 They don\u2019t like it, and their wife is strong in it.\u00a0 So long as she feels protected\u2014you are not abdicating so that she feels like she is alone in that decision; but if you delegate it to her, support her in that.\u00a0 If she is stronger in it, that\u2019s the logical thing to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Your book, Jess, <em>Put the Seat Down<\/em> is really an older man sitting down with the younger man and saying, \u201cDon\u2019t make the same bonehead mistakes I made as a young man.\u201d\u00a0 Honestly, this is a perfect book, 125 pages.\u00a0 There are not a lot of words in here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong>\u00a0 Cartoons.\u00a0 Cartoons.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>There are cartoons and the print is big.\u00a0 This is ideal, frankly, for a couple starting out their marriage because a young man needs an older man\u2019s guidance and advice.\u00a0 We all do.\u00a0 I am looking to older men in my life right now, and I am over 60.\u00a0 So you know, it\u2019s healthy to remain teachable and listen to those wise godly counselors who will give you advice according to the Scriptures, which is what you have done here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we have got copies of Jess\u2019 book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, along with a companion book that\u2019s been written by Brenda Garrison called <em>He's Not a Mind Reader<\/em>; and that\u2019s for wives who are in the first months of marriage.\u00a0 You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about either or both of these books:\u00a0 <em>Put the Seat Down<\/em> for men; He's <em>Not a Mind Reader<\/em> for women.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the website:\u00a0 FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Go online for more information; or you can order from us online or call 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That is \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Of course, it goes without saying that we would recommend that couples who are approaching marriage, or have recently been married, ought to consider attending one of our FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae <\/em>marriage getaways.\u00a0 These are coming up this fall.\u00a0 We are going to be at about four dozen different locations with weekend conferences for couples.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, Dennis and I spoke together at a getaway not long ago; and this month, we are making available a CD set that features a half dozen of the messages that we gave at that <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00a0 marriage getaway\u2014messages on sexual intimacy, conflict, communication, understanding God\u2019s plan for marriage, the things that threaten oneness in marriage.\u00a0 That CD series is our thank-you gift this month when you make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are particularly interested in those of you who are regular listeners, but you have never made a donation.\u00a0 In fact, we have got a goal this month of trying to hear from 2,000 listeners who have never gotten in touch with us before, never made a donation before.\u00a0 If you can go online today at FamilyLifeToday.com and make a donation in support of the ministry and you would like to receive this CD series from FamilyLife with these messages from the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, just type the word \u201cSAMPLER\u201d into the online key code box; and we will send that out to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also keep track online of how many first-time donors we have heard from so far this month, again with our goal of getting to 2,000 new first-time donors this month.\u00a0 Let me just say, \u201cIf you are a first-time donor and you can make a donation this month of $100 or more, we want to encourage you to type the word \u201cHUNDRED\u201d into the key code box; and we will send you a certificate so that you and your spouse can attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 We will cover the cost of the registration fee for you; or you can pass the certificate along to someone else, if you would like.\u00a0 This is only for those of you who are first-time donors to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and can make a donation of $100 or more to help support the ministry.\u00a0 We appreciate your financial support to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are listener-supported.\u00a0 We are grateful to those of you who have made donations throughout the years to help keep us on the air on this station and on our network of stations all across the country.\u00a0 We hope to hear from some new friends this month, as well.\u00a0 Again, go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Let me just say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance for whatever you are able to do in support of this ministry during the month of August.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow, we are going to talk to young wives.\u00a0 We have been talking to young husbands yesterday and today.\u00a0 Tomorrow we are going to talk to young wives with some advice on how you can be the wife that God\u2019s calling you to be in your marriage.\u00a0 That comes up tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.36M"],"filesize_raw":["25538559"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302334.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302334.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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the little things that count, especially in marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-08-04.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The Bible teaches us to affirm one another, to encourage and build up one another.\u00a0 That\u2019s something that a new husband has to learn how to get good at.\u00a0 Jess MacCallum says he has got to learn how to do things like this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>If you have just moved into a new apartment together, you make sure that you point out what she has done to create an environment because that\u2019s what she is trying to do.\u00a0 She isn\u2019t trying to match drapes and curtains; she isn\u2019t trying to match that.\u00a0 She\u2019s trying to creating a feeling.\u00a0 You will go a long way on that if, when you have people over, you bring them into her remodeled area and you brag about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, August 4<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife\u00ae, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We have lots of very practical counsel today for husbands who are in the first months, maybe the first couple of years of marriage.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I\u2019m just wondering if our guest, Jess MacCallum, is going to take any heat for the title of this book.\u00a0 Do you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, it's the first book we\u2019ve ever featured on<em> FamilyLife Today <\/em>where there is a toilet on the front.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The toilet seat!\u00a0 The book is called <em>Put the Seat Down; <\/em>and I\u2019ve talked with guys who say, \u201cWell, now, wait a sec.\u00a0 Why is it me who has to put the seat down?\u00a0 I mean, she can put it up when she is done.\u00a0 Why is it the guy that has to put the seat down?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I know how I would answer that.\u00a0 Let\u2019s let Jess.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s what he called the book, <em>Put the Seat Down.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>He better have an answer for it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He undoubtedly has a great answer to that.\u00a0 He and his wife Ann dated for nine years, been married since 1988, have three children.\u00a0 He is a businessman, and how would you answer Bob\u2019s question?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I would say, \u201cYou can learn it the hard way or you can do what Peter said.\u201d\u00a0 In one of his letters was, \u201cto live with your wife in such a considerate way that your prayers will not be hindered.\u201d\u00a0 If you want to be considerate\u2014and this is what that chapter is really about\u2014is being considerate and thoughtful in the small things that serve her in ways that will multiply.\u00a0 These are small things that add up to a huge amount.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the hard way is she will sit down in a cold bowl of water one night because you are a guy and you are used to rooming with guys, and being in dorms, or with roommates.\u00a0 She hits that cold water because she is used to living with girls, who always put the seat down.\u00a0 So you tell me which battle you want to fight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Did you ever forget to put the seat down?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>She can tell you, in 23 years of marriage, about three times, where there was something on my mind so much.\u00a0 That\u2019s how she knows something is really bothering me is because I will forget to put the seat down.\u00a0 She will come up and say, \u201cWell, something is bothering you.\u00a0 What is it because you forgot to put the seat down?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, all I know is, I remember being awakened from a sound sleep.\u00a0 (laughter)\u00a0 I was sleeping very peacefully and, all of a sudden, I hear a loud crash in the bathroom; and I woke up.\u00a0 Mary Ann was not next to me in the bed.\u00a0 I said, \u201cDid you hear that, what was that?\u201c\u00a0 She said, \u201cOh, I was just putting the seat down for you.\u201d\u00a0 I think I have remembered since then to put the seat down.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I actually got this from one of my old mentors from the Navigators who had four daughters.\u00a0 He used to say in Bible study\u2014he says, \u201cLook, guys, I am the only male member of a sorority.\u00a0 So when you use my bathroom, put the seat down when you leave.\u201d\u00a0 He says, \u201cI will pay for it later.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And we make this\u2014I mean it seems like this is trivial, and it's kind of like everybody jokes about this.\u00a0 There is really a bigger principle than who puts the seat down, isn\u2019t there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 It\u2019s that whole idea of consideration, which goes beyond the manners or upbringing.\u00a0 I am talking about the little things that make a huge difference.\u00a0 For example, the one thing Ann wanted most, little thing that she wanted in our early years, she wouldn\u2019t have the side of the bed where she could see the moon at night.\u00a0 That was a big deal to her\u2014was to be able to look out the window and see the moon.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, when you move as many times as we did in the first few years, the bedrooms change.\u00a0 The windows are in a different position.\u00a0 You are always moving the furniture differently.\u00a0 I am a creature of habit; I like routine; I like the same side of the bed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I switched sides back and forth and back and forth for about four years.\u00a0 It's always one or the other, and then I would just stumble to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I couldn\u2019t remember which side of the bed I was on.\u00a0 I had to rearrange everything in my life.\u00a0 That nighttime thinking, it goes on autopilot.\u00a0 So I would get up and walk the wrong direction in the new place we were staying, but it was important to her to see the moon when she looked out at night when she woke up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>A young man who is starting out a marriage is beginning a journey to really learn how to love another imperfect human being.\u00a0 Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships.\u00a0 The way I would encourage a young man to look at the toilet seat or what side of the bed you sleep on is to look at it as an expression of love, maybe consider tying it to common courtesies.\u00a0 I have always enjoyed thinking about courtesies the way Elisabeth Elliot, the missionary to South America, described it.\u00a0 She said, \u201cThink of a common courtesy as, \u2018My life for your life.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I have thought about, as I open the door for my wife, still after 38 years of marriage, \u201cI will try to get over to the side of the car to open the door for her;\u201d or when we go in the house, I will wait after I have turned the lock, I will step back so she can go in first.\u00a0 It's a statement of, \u201cMy life for yours.\u201d\u00a0 I believe, as you just said, Jess, those little things really do begin to add up in a woman\u2019s life and her soul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I have a friend who shared this a number of years ago, and I have never stopped to think about it.\u00a0 He said, \u201cOne of the things that honors my wife, that\u2019s a blessing to her is,\u201d he said, \u201cI will pretty regularly take her car and make sure that I\u2019m the one putting the gas in her car for her, that she doesn\u2019t have to stop and fill up with gas.\u201d\u00a0 I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s a simple thing.\u00a0 I mean, it's not saying, \u2018You\u2019re not qualified to fill up your own gas tank.\u2019\u00a0 It's just saying, \u2018This is one of the things I\u2019m going to do for you\u2014is keep the car full of gas, get the oil changed, and take care of your vehicle.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, what you are doing is exactly one of the practical points I would like to make on this topic in your first year marriage is, \u201cWhen you have a household set of chores\u2014and it was divided up differently when you were rooming with whatever situation\u2014pick the chores she hates the most and you do those.\u201d\u00a0 Just tell her, \u201cWrite down which is it; we\u2019ve got all these things to do.\u00a0 Tell me the ones you don\u2019t like; I\u2019ll do them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s great advice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Take that right off her back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>My son is still single.\u00a0 He is in his 20s.\u00a0 He has got a job and, in fact, decided he was going to become a homeowner.\u00a0 So he bought a home.\u00a0 He has got a three-bedroom home with a couple of guys living with him in the home, charging them rent.\u00a0 He refers to the home as Fort Lepine, and he will talk about getting the guys over, \u201cEverybody is coming over to Fort Lepine tonight for whatever else.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let\u2019s just imagine for a moment that my son had met a woman and had decided that he was going to kick out his roommates and bring her in.\u00a0 She is going to be the new queen of Fort Lepine.\u00a0 How does Fort Lepine need to change if it's going to be the two of them living there as compared to my son and his buddies?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He may want to remember that it's his castle but it's her nest.\u00a0 She is going to have a nesting instinct.\u00a0 If you have any experience with women at all, you know they like to make an environment.\u00a0 They like to put their personality onto it, whatever it may be.\u00a0 He is going to have to sacrifice.\u00a0 In fact, I almost wonder if that\u2019s not too much for a man to be a single homeowner and bring a woman into it.\u00a0 It might just be too stressful for him to give up all the cinder blocks, and wooden planks, and that \u201880s eclectic style and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Not if he changed the name of Fort Lepine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think that would be a good step to begin with and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 To Ann\u2019s Castle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Something like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Or Ann\u2019s Nest?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Green Gables or something.\u00a0 Yes, something more appropriate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I mean, you are offering some really profound advice here.\u00a0 I mean, I am\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is really practical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It really is.\u00a0 We have been married 38 years, and I\u2019m still discovering that Barbara really likes to feather her nest and make it an expression of her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, let me just ask you a question.\u00a0 Anytime in the last 38 years when you have thought to yourself, \u201cYou know, I would kind of like to rearrange the furniture in this room\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No, never.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>How about you?\u00a0 Ever occurred to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I would like to get rid of some furniture\u2014to make some space.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Alright.\u00a0 So, the other day, Mary Ann says, \u201cCan you come in the living room?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 She wanted the sofa in a different place.\u00a0 So, I helped her move the sofa.\u00a0 I remember doing it thinking, \u201cWhat is it inside a woman that says, \u2018Let\u2019s change the environment,\u2019 because\u2014and it's fine with me.\u00a0 The sofa can be here; it can be there.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t really matter.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And it can stay there for 25 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I am good with that, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The same one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The same sofa is good but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Or she can move it back and forth and back and forth on the same day, and you have to do it.\u00a0 You need to be quiet and say, \u201cYes, dear.\u00a0 Yes, I think you are right.\u201d\u00a0 Whatever she decides on, you just affirm it because if you don\u2019t, you are going to keep moving it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Really, if I give any advice around this, enter into her moving stuff around and engage around what looks good.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t just want you to move the furniture like a robot, \u201cYes, I can do that, dear.\u201d\u00a0 No, she wants you to enter her world because that is an expression of who she is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Okay, but wait just a sec.\u00a0 When she says, \u201cDo you think we should have curtains here or mini blinds?\u201d and you are looking and going, \u201cDoesn\u2019t matter; I don\u2019t really care.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>My wife\u2019s never consulted me on the details.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So when she tries to engage you in the decorating process, and you are going, \u201cReally, I am fine with it either way.\u201d\u00a0 Should you pretend that you are engaged or\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I don\u2019t pretend.\u00a0 I actually want to find out why she thinks what she thinks, so she says.\u00a0 Well, because it's the only way I can actually stay awake during the conversation.\u00a0 So I want to know.\u00a0 She says, \u201cWould you like this or would you like that picture hanging there?\u201d and I have absolutely no opinion on that.\u00a0 Instead of saying that, I\u2019d say, \u201cWhat's the concept you are after?\u00a0 What do you think it's going to do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s brilliant.\u00a0 That is a brilliant question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Write that down.\u00a0 What's the concept you are going after?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Do not give Jess credit for this in your marriage, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Please take the credit yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I got to believe Barbara because Barbara has an artistic side to her.\u00a0 She likes the nest to look beautiful.\u00a0 I can hear her saying, \u201cDo you think we should do this or this?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I just looked at blinds the other day with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And does it matter to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No.\u00a0 (laughter) No, but because it's important to her\u2014again, we have been married a lot of years.\u00a0 So, I mean, I\u2019ve made some of these bonehead choices in the past.\u00a0 I think what you are saying here is, \u201cEnter into her world.\u00a0 Realize that it's not Fort Lepine; it is a castle, and she is the queen of the castle.\u00a0 If you treat her as queen, she may crown you king.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You will go a long way on that if, when you have people over, you bring them into her remodeled area and you brag about it because they\u2019ve seen it before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Or if you\u2019ve just moved into a new apartment together, you make sure that you point out what she\u2019s done to create an environment because that\u2019s what she\u2019s trying to do.\u00a0 She isn\u2019t trying to match that; she\u2019s trying to create a feeling, and that\u2019s what you need to point out to people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Let me ask you about\u2014because really, we\u2019re talking about adjustments that we have to make when we get married.\u00a0 I think it's was Norm Wright who said, \u201cIn a first marriage, it's a three- to five-year process to make the adjustments, where you are kind of learning how to be in rhythm with one another.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said \u201cIf it\u2019s a second marriage, it goes five to eight years to try to make those adjustments just because you bring a lot of patterns in with you.\u201d\u00a0 What about the first year of marriage as it relates to intimacy and the sexual relationship?\u00a0 A lot of couples get married today\u2014that\u2019s been a part of their relationship prior to marriage.\u00a0 Does marriage somehow change that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s a huge topic.\u00a0 I do have a chapter in the book called \u201cHoly Sex\u201d because there is holy sex and then there are unholy patterns that people have and they bring into their relationships.\u00a0 It would be na\u00efve for us to sit and think that most Christian couples are virgins, or even a large percentage in today\u2019s society.\u00a0 Even those that are\u2014are inundated with sexual message\u2014the movies and television.\u00a0 The internet is just trying to poison about everybody\u2019s thinking it can get its hands on, in some areas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHaving said that, I think that this is an area where, if you are going to get counseling on anything, it would be this one if you feel like there is significant baggage.\u00a0 Only you can tell whether or not you brought baggage, created your own baggage with each other, or expect to face significant issues like anything from childhood sexual abuse for one of the partner\u2019s past experiences, experiences with each other\u2014maybe you have come to Christ later, and it's just a very complex situation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe bottom line is, \u201cYou must be sacrificial.\u00a0 You must be patient.\u00a0 You must lead toward things of God in the bed and away from the things of world right there in the bed.\u201d\u00a0 The New Testament says, \u201cThe marriage bed should be honored by all.\u00a0 It should be pure.\u00a0 It should be holy.\u201d\u00a0 It's the actual act of intimacy that is considered an act of worship.\u00a0 It's a oneness that the world has got no idea, but we bring all that baggage in.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is an area where I don\u2019t think any couple would say, \u201cThis is not in the top one or two.\u201d\u00a0 In fact, I have a cartoon in the book, where the couples are in front a counselor and say, \u201cWe only argue about money or sex, depending on which one is in shorter supply.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Your dad gave you some advice five minutes before your wedding.\u00a0 Your dad must have observed your relationship.\u00a0 You dated for nine years before you were married.\u00a0 Five minutes before you are to welcome and coming down the aisle, he said what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>To tell you about it real quick.\u00a0 My dad was a World War II vet, a John Wayne type\u2014not a big communicator, not a big talker.\u00a0 We never had \u201cthe sex talk.\u201d\u00a0 So right before we were to walk out, I said, \u201cDad, I guess it's about time for that sex talk.\u201d\u00a0 He nodded.\u00a0 He looked to me and said, \u201cTake your time buddy.\u00a0 You will do fine.\u201d\u00a0 That was some of the best advice I have ever gotten when it came to sex.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You made an important point here.\u00a0 Most people getting married today are bringing with them into the bedroom some pattern of sexual sin prior to marriage, whether it's been with one another, been with other partners, whether it's been sexual sin through pornography.\u00a0 There is some pattern being brought in.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think many couples, many individuals, have a tendency to minimize, downplay, and figure, \u201cThat\u2019s not that big a deal,\u201d and to be surprised then when marital relations\u2014there are challenges in that area.\u00a0 They never pull back and go, \u201cGee, I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that I have had some sin patterns in my life and I have never really dealt with those honestly before God?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong> I agree with that.\u00a0 Let me read you a verse, where we interject a phrase; and you will know where it goes when I read it.\u00a0 Romans 8:6, \u201cFor the mind set on the flesh is death in the bedroom, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace in the bedroom.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, that\u2019s where the holiness takes place.\u00a0 That act has to be held in such sacred esteem that you will not tolerate, as the leader, the world\u2019s pattern coming into your bedroom.\u00a0 You will not let your bride\u2014the one that\u2019s supposed to be Christ in the church\u2014the holiness that you want her to experience\u2014you will be ruthless with anything that\u2019s lingering.\u00a0 You won't have anything left over, you won't be trying anything uncomfortable for her, you will be communicating, and above all, you will be there for her satisfaction first and yours second, which if you sacrifice, Christ\u2019s promises that He will multiply the results.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0Two other points you hit in the book on different topics, Jess.\u00a0 I just want you to comment on the topics of in-laws and money because both of these can cause enormous conflicts early in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess<\/strong>:\u00a0 In-laws.\u00a0 Boy, it gets very complicated because there are multiple sets of in-laws for a lot of people.\u00a0 They don\u2019t have just her set of parents and your set of parents.\u00a0 In fact, it's her two sets of parents with re-marriage and his single mom and dad\u2019s second wife and these are issues that require\u2014back to the communication.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou are the leader.\u00a0 You need to set boundaries.\u00a0 You need to find out what your wife thinks on everything that goes on and you need to lead her through the things that make her feel safe and secure.\u00a0 You have to help with disappointments.\u00a0 If she doesn\u2019t get the sister she always wanted because your sister is not the kind who wants to be pals, you have to help her adjust to that.\u00a0 You have got to decide about everything from holiday schedules\u2014even in the best-case scenario when you have sets of parents and everybody likes everybody\u2014there is only one Christmas, and there is only one Thanksgiving, and there are distances and things.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll these complications need to be talked about, and you need to come up with some agreements well in advance of any event.\u00a0 If you have in-laws that are intrusive, it's the kind of thing that as the man, you don\u2019t let her take care of her side of the family.\u00a0 This is your wife, and you really don\u2019t have sides of the family anymore.\u00a0 Your family relates to those two other families as a unit.\u00a0 If you get that out on the table early, you are going to avoid so much conflict by shooting from the hip.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0Honestly, that piece of advice right there is worth the price of the book because a lot of young men underestimate the power of the family they came from or the power of their wife\u2019s family and where she is coming from.\u00a0 I mean, the failure to leave and cleave, either by the husband or the wife or by both of them, cause a lot of problems.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow let's go on to money.\u00a0 What's your best advice on money?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do not try to manage two economies.\u00a0 You must blend those economies.\u00a0 I have seen it both ways; and if you are paying your side of the bills and she is paying her side of the bills, that is going to create more tension than blending the two and then wondering, \u201cWhy you wrote a check to such and such?\u201d or, \u201cHow did you overspend on that?\u201d\u00a0 Better to have that discussion than to have two separate economies going on in the same household.\u00a0 I think that is just\u2014I have seen it.\u00a0 I know people doing that now; I think that\u2019s a terrible mistake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I was with a young lady not too long ago, and she was commenting on this.\u00a0 She was about to be married; and she said, \u201cDid you know we put all of our money into one checking account and we are no longer fighting about who is filling up whose car?\u201d\u00a0 This was all occurring as an engaged couple; but this husband had the wisdom to say, \u201cLet's put all of our money together in anticipation of marriage into one checking account.\u00a0 Let's begin to pay our bills out of that.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cIt\u2019s liberating because he is taking responsibility for that side of our relationship.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I would encourage complete transparency on the financial front.\u00a0 You know, a couple of little things is, \u201cDon\u2019t get any credit card.\u00a0 You have already got enough.\u201d\u00a0 If you are 16 years or older, you probably already have a credit card.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get into the credit card debt.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you mix those economies, don\u2019t assume that the man is the one who is the handler of the money.\u00a0 I know too many guys who are terrible with money or details.\u00a0 They don\u2019t like it, and their wife is strong in it.\u00a0 So long as she feels protected\u2014you are not abdicating so that she feels like she is alone in that decision; but if you delegate it to her, support her in that.\u00a0 If she is stronger in it, that\u2019s the logical thing to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Your book, Jess, <em>Put the Seat Down<\/em> is really an older man sitting down with the younger man and saying, \u201cDon\u2019t make the same bonehead mistakes I made as a young man.\u201d\u00a0 Honestly, this is a perfect book, 125 pages.\u00a0 There are not a lot of words in here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jess:<\/strong>\u00a0 Cartoons.\u00a0 Cartoons.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>There are cartoons and the print is big.\u00a0 This is ideal, frankly, for a couple starting out their marriage because a young man needs an older man\u2019s guidance and advice.\u00a0 We all do.\u00a0 I am looking to older men in my life right now, and I am over 60.\u00a0 So you know, it\u2019s healthy to remain teachable and listen to those wise godly counselors who will give you advice according to the Scriptures, which is what you have done here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we have got copies of Jess\u2019 book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, along with a companion book that\u2019s been written by Brenda Garrison called <em>He's Not a Mind Reader<\/em>; and that\u2019s for wives who are in the first months of marriage.\u00a0 You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about either or both of these books:\u00a0 <em>Put the Seat Down<\/em> for men; He's <em>Not a Mind Reader<\/em> for women.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the website:\u00a0 FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Go online for more information; or you can order from us online or call 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That is \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Of course, it goes without saying that we would recommend that couples who are approaching marriage, or have recently been married, ought to consider attending one of our FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae <\/em>marriage getaways.\u00a0 These are coming up this fall.\u00a0 We are going to be at about four dozen different locations with weekend conferences for couples.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, Dennis and I spoke together at a getaway not long ago; and this month, we are making available a CD set that features a half dozen of the messages that we gave at that <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00a0 marriage getaway\u2014messages on sexual intimacy, conflict, communication, understanding God\u2019s plan for marriage, the things that threaten oneness in marriage.\u00a0 That CD series is our thank-you gift this month when you make a donation to help support <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are particularly interested in those of you who are regular listeners, but you have never made a donation.\u00a0 In fact, we have got a goal this month of trying to hear from 2,000 listeners who have never gotten in touch with us before, never made a donation before.\u00a0 If you can go online today at FamilyLifeToday.com and make a donation in support of the ministry and you would like to receive this CD series from FamilyLife with these messages from the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, just type the word \u201cSAMPLER\u201d into the online key code box; and we will send that out to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also keep track online of how many first-time donors we have heard from so far this month, again with our goal of getting to 2,000 new first-time donors this month.\u00a0 Let me just say, \u201cIf you are a first-time donor and you can make a donation this month of $100 or more, we want to encourage you to type the word \u201cHUNDRED\u201d into the key code box; and we will send you a certificate so that you and your spouse can attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 We will cover the cost of the registration fee for you; or you can pass the certificate along to someone else, if you would like.\u00a0 This is only for those of you who are first-time donors to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and can make a donation of $100 or more to help support the ministry.\u00a0 We appreciate your financial support to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are listener-supported.\u00a0 We are grateful to those of you who have made donations throughout the years to help keep us on the air on this station and on our network of stations all across the country.\u00a0 We hope to hear from some new friends this month, as well.\u00a0 Again, go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Let me just say, \u201cThanks,\u201d in advance for whatever you are able to do in support of this ministry during the month of August.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow, we are going to talk to young wives.\u00a0 We have been talking to young husbands yesterday and today.\u00a0 Tomorrow we are going to talk to young wives with some advice on how you can be the wife that God\u2019s calling you to be in your marriage.\u00a0 That comes up tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We'll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302334","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302334"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302334"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302334"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302334"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302334"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302334"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302334"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}