{"id":302329,"date":"2011-07-29T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-07-29T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/improving-communication-part-2\/"},"modified":"2011-07-29T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-07-29T15:00:00","slug":"improving-communication-part-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/improving-communication-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Improving Communication, Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you are struggling with communication in your marriage, the solution might be to work on your listening skills.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-07-29.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.87M","filesize_raw":"25026839","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082],"tags":[4927,4527,2877],"podcast_series":[7813],"cwp_profile":[3142],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302329","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-challenges","tag-communication","tag-marriage","podcast_series-weekend-to-remember-getaway-sampler","cwp_profile-bob-lepine","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302329\/improving-communication-part-2","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302329\/improving-communication-part-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"P63gpXptKU\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/improving-communication-part-2\/\">Improving Communication, Part 2<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/improving-communication-part-2\/embed\/#?secret=P63gpXptKU\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Improving Communication, Part 2&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"P63gpXptKU\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"If you are struggling with communication in your marriage, the solution might be to work on your listening skills.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-07-29.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When couples talk about challenges they\u2019re facing in their marriage, as it relates to communication, they\u2019re usually talking about the fact that they don\u2019t communicate; or that when they do communicate, things just come out all wrong.\u00a0 One of the areas of communication that is often overlooked is the importance of being a better listener.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Music:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Well, I live too loud and I talk too much;<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>But somehow I don\u2019t see it as such.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Seems like what I love the most is the sound of my own voice.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I bring my list and I say my piece;<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I check you off but I\u2019m incomplete.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Seems like what I\u2019m missing most is the sound of your voice.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>So why is it so hard for me to shut my mouth and let you speak?<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Why do I feel the need to always keep on talking?<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Well know I need to hear from you.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I know what I have got to do.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I found what I\u2019ve been missing;<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I\u2019ve got to learn to listen.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, July 29<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<em>\u00ae<\/em>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Today we\u2019re going to talk about how you can do a better job of listening in marriage and how you can do a better job of expressing yourself.\u00a0 Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Music:<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>A wise man hears before he speaks;<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>He knows he doesn\u2019t know everything.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I wish that sounded more like me,<\/em><em>\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>But I have got so far to go.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Why is my first reaction to give my own opinion?<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Like I could tell you something you don\u2019t already know.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>So why is it so hard for me to shut my mouth and let you speak?<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Why do I feel the need to always keep on talking?<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Well I know I need to hear from you.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I know what I have got to do.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I found what I\u2019ve been missing.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>I\u2019ve got to learn to listen.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Listen, listen, yeah;<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Listen, listen, yeah;<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Listen, listen, yeah.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 If you were coaching a newly-married couple on communication, any particular advice you\u2019d give them?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 I have a couple of theorems.\u00a0 We really teach about communication at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know that we cover these specific statements, but we\u2019re all over this in what we teach couples who come to these conferences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first principle of communication is this:\u00a0 \u201cCommunication is not what is said.\u201d\u00a0 You want to finish the rest of the sentence?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Uh, it\u2019s what is unsaid?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Nope.\u00a0 It is what is heard.\u00a0 \u201cCommunication is not what is said, it is what is heard.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, that\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Many times, in my relationship with Barbara, what I said and what she heard me say are two different things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 That\u2019s happened to you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s happened to me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is like, \u201cWow!\u201d\u00a0 I mean, we\u2019ve been married almost 39 years; and sometimes she can read my mind.\u00a0 That\u2019s the amazing thing\u2014she finishes my sentences for me.\u00a0 You know what I mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But at other . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Other times, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I say something, and it\u2019s not what she heard.\u00a0 Alright.\u00a0 Second theorem\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Of communication:\u00a0 \u201cAll miscommunication is the result of differing assumptions.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I thought you were going to say, \u201cAll miscommunication is my fault.\u201d\u00a0 I thought that was where you were going with that.\u00a0 (laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, that one would be more accurate than mine; but you know, we have different assumptions that are made as we\u2019re communicating.\u00a0 I can\u2019t tell you how many times I\u2019ve missed Barbara in terms of\u2014I would start talking\u2014and I was thinking she really understood what I was talking about and where I was taking her mentally and emotionally.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was like, \u201cI\u2019m going to another planet.\u201d\u00a0 You know?\u00a0 She\u2019s not making near the assumptions that I\u2019m making, and so we miss each other.\u00a0 As a result, you know what?\u00a0 There\u2019s hurt, there\u2019s disappointment, and there\u2019s unmet expectations.\u00a0 You have to know how to resolve conflict; and importantly, you need to know how to communicate so you don\u2019t create conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well we unpacked this subject of communication at the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway because a lot of couples who are coming have gotten in some pretty bad habits when it comes to communication.\u00a0 We want to encourage you to plan to attend one of these upcoming events when it comes to a city near where you live. We have worked out a special arrangement for <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you sign up to attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway and you identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener, either by typing my name--typing \u201cBOB\u201d\u2014in the key code box on the online registration form at FamilyLifeToday.com or by saying, \u201cI listen to <em>FamilyLife Today,\u201d <\/em>\u00a0when you call 1-800-FLTODAY to register for an upcoming event\u2014If you do that and identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener, you\u2019ll save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee for one of these events.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we hear from you before the end of the month, we\u2019re going to send you a thank-you gift for registering early.\u00a0 That is the game <em>Spouse-ology\u00ae<\/em>, that\u2019s designed to be played by couples together with other couples.\u00a0 You learn a lot about one another.\u00a0 It\u2019s a lot of fun to play.\u00a0 That\u2019s a special gift we\u2019ll send you if you go ahead and act now and register for the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway<em>.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, make sure you identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener.\u00a0 Either type my name, \u201cBOB,\u201d into the key code box on the online registration form at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY and say, \u201cI listen to <em>FamilyLife Today,<\/em> and we want to go to the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway.\u00a0 We want the special group offer for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners.\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019ll save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 After you sign up, I\u2019d encourage you to start thinking and praying about another couple you could bring or join you in being able to bring them to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Great idea.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You may be ministering to a couple who may have some challenges in their marriage that they need to work on.\u00a0 That\u2019s what today\u2019s message is going to be on <em>FamilyLife Toda<\/em>\u00ae<em>y.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>It\u2019s a message by Bob Lepine at a recent <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway on the art of communication.\u00a0 Let\u2019s listen to Bob Lepine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 (recorded message)\u00a0 Good communication is talking well and listening well.\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about the first principle there, \u201cListening Well;\u201d because in some cases, this is where the whole thing breaks down.\u00a0 We\u2019re just not good listeners.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to give you four tips from Scripture on listening well\u2014four tips on listening well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the first one:\u00a0 When you are listening to another person, you need to give that person \u201cFocused Attention\u201d\u2014\u201cFocused Attention.\u201d\u00a0 I heard a story about a little girl who was talking to her daddy one day at the breakfast table.\u00a0 Her daddy was reading the paper, and she was talking to her daddy about stuff.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know how this is, guys.\u00a0 Your daughter is talking about stuff that\u2019s just\u2014I mean it\u2019s just her world.\u00a0 She\u2019s talking about something she saw on TV, or about this princess, or some story she\u2019s making up.\u00a0 You\u2019re kind of not there; and you go, \u201cMm hmm.\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 That\u2014mm hmm.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis little girl got frustrated with her daddy.\u00a0 She quit talking, she got off her stool, she went over, she grabbed him by the cheeks, and she said, \u201cListen with your face.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you need to know\u2014all of us need to know\u2014that if we\u2019re going to be good listeners, we have to give \u201cFocused Attention.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve been on the phone with Mary Ann from a place like this, where we\u2019re getting caught up on what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 In the middle of the conversation she\u2019ll say, \u201cSo what else are you doing?\u201d\u00a0 The TV is on mute\u2014So she can\u2019t hear it in the background, right?\u2014\u00a0\u00a0 because I don\u2019t want that dead giveaway; but still she knows.\u00a0\u00a0 She goes, \u201cAre you watching something?\u201d\u00a0 She can tell over the phone line that I\u2019m not giving her focused attention.\u00a0 I\u2019m off somewhere else.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo be a good listener, we have to give one another focused attention.\u00a0 That is tip \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber One.\u00a0 In fact, Proverbs 7:24 says this, \u201cListen to me, and be attentive to the words of my mouth.\u201d\u2014Solomon talking to his son.\u00a0 If you have a teenage boy, you find yourself saying, \u201cSon, listen to me.\u00a0 Be attentive to the words of my mouth.\u201d\u00a0 We need to do that with one another\u2014\u201cFocused Attention\u201d\u2014that is Number One.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber Two: \u201cListen with Acceptance and Understanding.\u201d\u00a0 That means that rather than what I was doing with Mary Ann back at the beginning of our marriage, where I was listening to her point and trying to figure out how I can show her that she\u2019s wrong, I need to be listening with an attitude of accepting what she\u2019s saying and trying to understand where she\u2019s coming from.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy role as a listener is not to always be thinking about challenging what my spouse is saying; but to be thinking, \u201cWhat\u2019s she really trying to say?\u00a0 Can I better understand the point?\u201d\u00a0 Proverbs 24:3 says, \u201cBy wisdom a house is built; by understanding it is established.\u201d\u00a0 You want to listen with an attitude of understanding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThird thing:\u00a0 You need to ask \u201cClarifying Questions\u201d or make \u201cSummarizing Statements.\u201d\u00a0 As you\u2019re listening\u2014I have heard Gary Smalley talk about this.\u00a0 He talks about \u201cdrive-through communication\u201d or \u201cdrive-through talking.\u201d\u00a0 Have any of you ever heard him say this?\u00a0 You know, how when you go to the drive-through now, they have the screen up so that when you give your order they will say, \u201cWould you look at the screen please, and tell us if your order is correct?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, how often do they have it wrong?\u00a0 Twenty-five, 30, maybe 50 percent of the time they\u2019ve gotten it wrong.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because the person who is taking your order is filling drinks and doing other things.\u00a0 You\u2019ve seen them on the other side.\u00a0 They\u2019re walking around the restaurant with their little headset on, right?\u00a0 They\u2019re not giving you focused attention, so they\u2019re getting it wrong on the screen.\u00a0 Well, the reason they put those screens up in those fast food places is because customers were getting mad driving away, saying, \u201cI asked for no pickles, and they put pickles on this thing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary Smalley used to talk about \u201cdrive-through communication.\u201d\u00a0 He\u2019d say, \u201cWhen you\u2019re listening to somebody, when the person is all done saying whatever they need to say, what you say is, \u2018Can I tell you what I think I just heard?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019re feeding back to the other person, \u201cHere\u2019s what I think I just heard.\u00a0 Can I try and summarize what I think I just heard?\u201d or, \u201cCan I ask you a question about something that you just said?\u201d\u00a0 This is a good listening technique\u2014it\u2019s that \u201cClarifying Questions\u201d or \u201cSummarizing Statements.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen the fourth thing is:\u00a0 You need to focus on \u201cWhat\u2019s Being Said,\u201d and not necessarily on the way it\u2019s being said.\u00a0 Now sometimes you do need to read between the lines, right?\u00a0 But what you need to focus on is, not absorbing the emotion, but trying to understand what\u2019s going on in the situation, not trying to get sideways because emotionally you\u2019re off base with one another.\u00a0 You are paying attention and trying to listen with an understanding heart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have a friend who lives in San Diego.\u00a0 His name is Ron Jensen.\u00a0 Ron had a friend call him one night.\u00a0 He was going over to the friend\u2019s house; and the friend called Ron and said, \u201cWould you mind bringing some folding chairs with you tonight?\u00a0 I think we\u2019re going to have a few more people than we expected.\u201d\u00a0 Ron said, \u201cNo problem.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat night, Ron\u2019s driving over to the house.\u00a0 He gets to the house, knocks on the front door, and his friend comes to the door and says, \u201cHave you got the folding chairs?\u201d\u00a0 Ron says, \u201cI forgot them.\u201d\u00a0 Ron\u2019s friend says, \u201cThat figures,\u201d and walked off.\u00a0 Now, what\u2019s Ron thinking?\u00a0 Ron\u2019s thinking, \u201cI got to run home and get them.\u00a0 What a jerk!\u00a0 I mean, \u2018Okay I forgot them, right?\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to act that way.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe didn\u2019t say anything, and the night went on.\u00a0 They didn\u2019t have a chance to talk about it; but a day-and-a-half later, Ron says, \u201cI need to call him and clear the air on this deal.\u201d\u00a0 He calls his friend; and he says, \u201cYou know, the other night you asked me to bring the stuff.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 I forgot.\u00a0 When I got to the door and told you I\u2019d forgotten, you said, \u2018That figures.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cThat really\u2014that really hurt me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon\u2019s friend said, \u201cOh, I\u2019m sorry.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cHere\u2019s what I meant by that.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cI had had a day where everything I had tried to line up had gone wrong.\u00a0 I\u2019d had an appointment cancel on me that morning; I had a guy who was supposed to meet me for lunch who was 30 minutes late; that afternoon, I had a deal fall through at the office.\u00a0 When you showed up without the chairs, it was just like, \u2018Well, that figures,\u2019 given the kind of day I\u2019d been having.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, Ron felt very differently about what his friend had said once he got the explanation than beforehand.\u00a0 It took some clarifying questions and a desire to really make things work to get that on the table and get it right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur four tips for you are:\u00a0 to listen with \u201cFocused Attention;\u201d listen with \u201cAcceptance and Understanding;\u201d ask some \u201cClarifying Questions,\u201d and then focus on \u201cWhat\u2019s Being Said\u201d and not the way it\u2019s being said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlright\u2014real quick\u2014I\u2019ll give you five keys for better communication, for expressing yourself more clearly.\u00a0 First, \u201cThink Before You Speak.\u201d\u00a0 Think before you speak.\u00a0 It\u2019s often good just to pause for a minute before you say the first thing that pops into your mind.\u00a0 Just ask the question, \u201cIs that really the thing I want to say at this moment in time?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, in the Scriptures, we see in James 1:19, \u201cEvery person is to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.\u201d\u00a0 I think there\u2019s a pattern here:\u00a0 quick to listen, slow to speak.\u00a0 Think before you speak.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo. 2 says, \u201cYou need to think about what you want to say, when you want to say it, and how you want to say it.\u201d\u00a0 If you\u2019re thinking before you speak, then you need to be thinking, \u201cWhat exactly do I want to say?\u201d, \u201cWhen do I want to say it?\u201d, and, \u201cWhat\u2019s the best way to say it?\u201d rather than, again, being impulsive or quick.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow many of you have had those situations where you\u2019ve said something to one another, and as soon as you said it, you wished you could \u201creel it back in\u201d?\u00a0 You knew that instant, \u201cI blew that!\u00a0 Shouldn\u2019t have said it!\u00a0 Didn\u2019t mean it like that.\u201d\u00a0 You try to back it up, but you can\u2019t.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce the words are out, they\u2019re gone.\u00a0 No getting them back.\u00a0 You may have to do damage control for a long time on those.\u00a0 Instead of just letting them fly, take some time.\u00a0 In fact, do like Mary Ann did; and we\u2019ve talked about this since then.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRather than getting up and walking out of the room, what Mary Ann would do to me today is\u2014we\u2019re in a conversation and it\u2019s\u2014there\u2019s something heated or we\u2019re missing each other.\u00a0 She would just say, \u201cI need some time to think about how I want to respond.\u00a0 It might be ten minutes; it might be a day; but I just need some time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlright, we\u2019ll call a time-out on that and let her process it.\u00a0 In fact, what she\u2019ll often do, and what I\u2019ve learned to do as well in important communication, is write out what it is I want to say because it gives me a chance to think through, \u201cHow exactly do I want to say this?\u201d\u2014especially if it is critical communication.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe live in an email world.\u00a0 One of the dangers of a text-message\/email world is communication is flying pretty fast.\u00a0 The opportunity for misunderstanding is pretty high.\u00a0 That\u2019s why we need to be a little more careful, a little more deliberate.\u00a0 Think about what you want to say, think about when you want to say it, and how you want to say it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen the third thing is:\u00a0 \u201cNot everything you\u2019re feeling needs to be expressed.\u201d\u00a0 Sometimes silence is best.\u00a0 You might write down here, Proverbs 10:19.\u00a0 It says, \u201cWhen there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.\u201d\u00a0 Is that true?\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 Not everything you are thinking needs to come out and be said.\u00a0 Sometimes you just need to curb your tongue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFourth thing:\u00a0 \u201cYou need to ask the other person to make sure you\u2019re being understood.\u201d\u00a0 When you\u2019ve said something, it\u2019s always good to say, \u201cDoes that make sense? Do you understand what I\u2019m trying to say?\u00a0 Is this making sense to you?\u201d just so there\u2019s an opportunity for that communication to occur.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, the fifth thing is:\u00a0 \u201cYou should speak in a way that encourages the other person.\u201d Make it your goal to always make your communication building up the other person, encouraging.\u00a0 That doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t tell the truth, but it means that your goal is never to tear down another person.\u00a0 It is always to build up your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen to what the Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 4, \u201cLet no corrupting talk come out of your mouth\u2026\u201d\u00a0 No corrupting talk.\u00a0 \u201c\u2026but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to be better listeners.\u00a0 We want to do a better job of thinking about what we want to say, when we want to say it, how we want to say it, not saying everything that comes to mind, and then speaking in a way that encourages.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEach of you give yourselves , not one another, but give your marriage a communication\u2019s score.\u00a0 Scale of one to ten, how would you say communication is doing in your marriage\u2014listening and expressing yourself to one another?\u00a0 If it\u2019s a ten, that means you\u2019re doing great; if it\u2019s a one, it means you need a lot of help.\u00a0 You guys, write the number down before you tell each other what your numbers are.\u00a0 Let\u2019s see who\u2019s on the same page.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI tell you to do that because a number of years ago at a Promise Keepers meeting, Coach Bill McCartney was sitting on the platform.\u00a0 Howard Hendricks was speaking.\u00a0 Dr. Hendricks said, \u201cHow would you rate your marriage on a scale of one to ten?\u00a0 Every man come up with a number.\u201d\u00a0 Bill McCartney was sitting there; and he said, \u201cYou know, our marriage isn\u2019t perfect; but it\u2019s not bad.\u00a0 I\u2019d give us an eight.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, Howard Hendricks asked the next question.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWhat score would your wife give your marriage?\u201d Bill McCartney had never stopped to think what his wife would think about their marriage.\u00a0 He was just thinking, \u201cWhat do I think about it?\u201d\u00a0 All of a sudden it dawned on him, \u201cShe wouldn\u2019t give it an eight.\u00a0 She\u2019d give it a three or a four,\u201d he thought.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, Howard Hendricks said, \u201cWhat would it take for your marriage to be at a ten?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, this is Bill McCartney, whose whole job is trying to be the national champion.\u00a0 He\u2019s a bit of a competitor.\u00a0 He\u2019s going, \u201cThat\u2019s what I want.\u00a0 I want a ten from both of us.\u201d\u00a0 He went home and he said to his wife, \u201cLyndi,\u201d he said, \u201cI\u2019ve been blowing it.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t been paying attention.\u00a0 How can we get this thing to a ten?\u201d\u00a0 It began a fresh work in their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the area of communication, we hope that what you do tonight will spark a little helpful, healthy communication, following the principles we\u2019ve talked about here, and help you figure out, \u201cHow can we make it go to the next level?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(End of recorded message)\u00a0 Well, we have been listening to Part Two of a message on marital communication from a recent FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway<em>.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>I think listeners can hear\u2014we try to offer some very practical, specific help on how you can do a better job of listening to one another and how you can do a better job of expressing yourself to one another.\u00a0 If you\u2019re not communicating, it\u2019s pretty hard to make anything else work in marriage, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Communication is more than just saying, \u201cI love you.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget\u2014at one conference, I talked to a couple.\u00a0 I really sensed that one of the big problems in their marriage was that the wife didn\u2019t feel like her husband needed her.\u00a0 I gave him the assignment of a practical project of expressing to his wife the many ways that he needed his wife, specifically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it was a painful exercise for that guy because he wasn\u2019t used to getting tangible and getting specific.\u00a0 I think you mentioned something earlier about that\u2014about not being specific with Mary Ann.\u00a0 I think we, as men, can generalize things.\u00a0 Our wives do need to hear how much we appreciate them; how much we do love them; and yes, how much we need them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe, that\u2019s a good application for today\u2019s broadcast to just take home to your marriage.\u00a0 Maybe, over dinner tonight or perhaps before the sun sets tomorrow, maybe just write out and jot out three ways that you need your wife or you need your husband.\u00a0 Then, share it with one another, either at breakfast or over dinner.\u00a0 Express your feelings to one another in a tangible way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what we try to do at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway<em>.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Keep in mind:\u00a0 We have been encouraging you to sign up for one of our upcoming fall getaways.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been encouraging you to identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listener because, when you do, you will save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee, just for listening to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>and letting us know that when you sign up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can find out when a getaway is going to be happening in a city near where you live, or maybe there\u2019s a weekend that works for you and you want to go ahead and travel to another city for this getaway.\u00a0 That\u2019s what a lot of couples do, and they find that\u2019s a great weekend away for them as a couple; or you can simply call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 We can answer any questions you have about dates and locations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOnce you\u2019re ready to sign up, though, make sure you either type my name, type \u201cBOB\u201d in the key code box in the online registration form; or, if you\u2019re registering over the phone, just mention that you\u2019re a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener.\u00a0 Just say \u201cBob sent me,\u201d or tell them you want the group rate for radio listeners.\u00a0 You will save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee.\u00a0 That\u2019s the lowest price we make available throughout the year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we hear from you before this weekend is over, we\u2019ll send along as a thank-you gift for registering early the <em>Spouse-ology\u00ae<\/em> game for couples.\u00a0 It\u2019s an interactive game for couples to play with other couples to get to know one another better.\u00a0 It\u2019s a lot of fun, and it\u2019s our way of saying, \u201cThanks for getting signed up early.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, when you identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listener, you\u2019ll save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee.\u00a0 Sign up online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or give us a call at 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 We hope to see you this fall at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaways<em>.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith that, we\u2019ve got to wrap things up for today.\u00a0 Hope you have a great weekend.\u00a0 Hope you and your family are able to worship together in church this weekend.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk about what moms and dads can do to help their sons and daughters make the transition from high school into college.\u00a0 How do you get your son or daughter ready for that transition?\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk about it Monday; hope you can be here for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> \u00ae. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u00a9Song:\u00a0 <em>Listen<\/em>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tArtist:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Josh Wilson\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tAlbum:\u00a0 <em>Josh Wilson<\/em> (Compilation), \u21172010, Sparrow Records\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302329","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302329"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302329"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302329"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302329"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302329"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302329"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302329"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}