{"id":302323,"date":"2011-07-26T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-07-26T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/resolving-conflict-part-2\/"},"modified":"2011-07-26T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-07-26T15:00:00","slug":"resolving-conflict-part-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/resolving-conflict-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Resolving Conflict, Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How we deal with anger affects generations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-07-26.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"21M","filesize_raw":"22017974","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902],"tags":[4927,4527,2877],"podcast_series":[7813],"cwp_profile":[3048],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302323","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","tag-challenges","tag-communication","tag-marriage","podcast_series-weekend-to-remember-getaway-sampler","cwp_profile-dennis-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302323\/resolving-conflict-part-2","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302323\/resolving-conflict-part-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"cOUYA5Ohwi\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/resolving-conflict-part-2\/\">Resolving Conflict, Part 2<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/resolving-conflict-part-2\/embed\/#?secret=cOUYA5Ohwi\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Resolving Conflict, Part 2&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"cOUYA5Ohwi\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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are too many couples today who, when they experience conflict in a marriage, instead of looking for a way to resolve that conflict, they start looking for a way out.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Dennis Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the big problems within the Christian community and America is we throw around the \u201cD-word\u201d, threatening divorce in our marriages.\u00a0 It is why it has become a reality\u2014that the divorce rate in the church is higher than it is outside the church.\u00a0 When we get angry, we really have to be careful what we say.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, July 26<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife<em>\u00ae<\/em>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 If there is conflict in your marriage, the solution is not to get rid of your spouse.\u00a0 The solution is to learn how to resolve conflict biblically. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Anger is one of those issues in a marriage relationship that can set off an explosion that is hard to put the pieces back together again when that kind of explosion has happened.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I agree.\u00a0 I made the mistake one time, in my marriage, of saying, \u201cI didn\u2019t have an anger problem.\u201d\u00a0 Then, God showed me that maybe I had a bit more of a problem than I thought about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just hadn\u2019t been provoked sufficiently yet.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t had enough children yet.\u00a0 (laughter)\u00a0 So, I did have some children and did have to learn how to deal with my anger.\u00a0 I have to say one of the great things about this season of life (Barbara and I are empty nesters now)\u2014there is a little less tension, in terms of raising children, obviously.\u00a0 There\u2019s also a little more time to resolve issues and less competition, in terms of when you go about doing that.\u00a0 I\u2019ve really enjoyed that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a sweet time.\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t mean you do it perfectly just because there is less tension there and less distraction.\u00a0 It can be a little more fluid, perhaps.\u00a0 You can kind of allow one another to process.\u00a0 There just aren\u2019t the interruptions, Bob, in this stage.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 It\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I find a lot of couples are surprised by anger.\u00a0 A lot of couples don\u2019t understand anger.\u00a0 They don\u2019t know what the Bible teaches about anger.\u00a0 They don\u2019t know what they should do if they feel anger.\u00a0 If you\u2019re going to look at the subject of conflict, you really do have to pull back and talk about anger, which is one of the themes that we address at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talk about resolving conflict.\u00a0 We spend some time looking at where anger comes from; how we\u2019re to deal with it when we experience anger, when it\u2019s provoked in us.\u00a0 I think a lot of couples who hear as we go through this material, some lights come on.\u00a0 They go, \u201cThat helps.\u00a0 That helps me understand what\u2019s going on in me.\u00a0 That helps me understand what\u2019s going on in my spouse.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s one of the reasons we encourage couples, \u201cGet a weekend where the two of you can get away and spend some time together at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u201d\u00a0 First of all, it\u2019s good to have two-and-a-half days where you\u2019re focusing on your marriage and you\u2019re with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s good to get tools; that you both have a common vocabulary; you understand what the tools are; you can talk about what forgiveness is, what forgiveness isn\u2019t; what things cause anger in your relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hear from some speakers who are genuine, authentic.\u00a0 They\u2019ve experienced conflict in their marriages.\u00a0 They understand what the Bible teaches.\u00a0 They can help you with how to negotiate your relationship because they\u2019ve been down the path.\u00a0 They\u2019ve dealt with this themselves, and they\u2019ve looked at what the Bible has to say about conflict and about anger.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, we\u2019re hoping <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners will go ahead and sign up for one of our upcoming fall <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\u00a0 To encourage you to do that, we\u2019ve put <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners in a group.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to sit together when you go to the <em>Weekend to Remember,<\/em> but you\u2019ll be a part of the <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> group.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat that means is that:\u00a0 When you register and identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener, you will save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee.\u00a0 All you have to do, as you fill out the registration form online at FamilyLifeToday.com, you type my name into the key code box.\u00a0 Type \u201cBOB\u201d in the key code box on the online registration form.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call 1-800-FL-TODAY; say, \u201cI listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and I want to be a part of the <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> group.\u00a0 We want to register for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019ll save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn addition, if you register before the end of the month, we\u2019ll send you an early-bird gift.\u00a0 It is a game for couples called <em>Spouse-ology<\/em>\u00ae.\u00a0 It\u2019s something you can play with other couples and get to know one another better.\u00a0 It\u2019s a lot of fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, go to our website or give us a call; find out more about when the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is coming to a city near where you live; get registered; identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener.\u00a0 You will save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee.\u00a0 Again, if you sign up before the end of the month, we\u2019ll send you the <em>Spouse-ology<\/em>\u00ae gift as well.\u00a0 We hope to see you at one of these <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Some of you who are listening, you\u2019ve been invited to a wedding; and you\u2019re not sure what to give the couple who are getting married.\u00a0 You know what makes a great wedding gift?\u00a0 Send them to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 I think it is the finest marriage preparation that a couple can go through prior to marriage.\u00a0 After they are married, it is a great investment in their marriage as they move beyond the \u201cJust-married\u201d phase.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, one of the things that engaged couple is going to hear about, or you\u2019re going to hear about if you come join us at one of these events this fall, is the issue of conflict and how to deal with it\u2014anger and where it comes from, what the Bible has to say about it, how we process that in our marriage.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday, we\u2019re going to hear Part Two from Dennis on conflict recorded at a recent <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 So, this is an example of some of what gets talked about at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>.\u00a0 Here is Dennis Rainey on resolving conflict in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 (recorded message)\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget a young man that I worked with when I worked with high school kids in Dallas, Texas.\u00a0 He showed the two different ways people deal with getting angry.\u00a0 \u201cHis mom,\u201d he said, \u201cwas a fighter from an Italian family.\u201d\u00a0 She\u2019d love to duke it out, put on the boxing gloves.\u00a0 A good emotional, stimulating discussion was her idea of real communication.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe was married to one of the prominent physicians in the city of Dallas.\u00a0 He came from a home that had a long line of peace pipe smokers.\u00a0 So, here they were:\u00a0 She jumping into the ring, chasing him around the ring, trying to have a good fight.\u00a0 He was running away from her.\u00a0 They never really resolved anything.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis young man, at the age of 15 years old when I led him to faith in Christ, confessed this, \u201cThere has never been a day when I haven\u2019t placed myself between my mom and my dad.\u00a0 Going to my dad and saying, \u2018Dad, Dad, Dad, don\u2019t you understand Mom needs to talk about this?\u00a0 Mom, don\u2019t be so tough.\u00a0 Don\u2019t be so emotional.\u00a0 Don\u2019t be so, so harsh with Dad.\u00a0 Don\u2019t you understand who Dad is?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cBecause of me pitting myself between the two, there has not been a day in my life when I have not thought about committing suicide.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is an African proverb that says, \u201cWhen the elephants fight, it\u2019s the grass that suffers.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWhen the elephants fight, it\u2019s the grass that suffers.\u201d\u00a0 How we resolve conflict is important to our legacies that we pass on to future generations.\u00a0 We can either stuff it, or we can blow it.\u00a0 A lot of us are good at blowing up.\u00a0 A lot of us are good at running from it.\u00a0 We need to learn how to deal with our anger in a constructive way.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI believe anger is a God-given emotion.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think anger is wrong.\u00a0 I think the expression of anger sometimes can be wrong.\u00a0 Anger can be an emotional pain that is telling us something isn\u2019t right, like a red light on the dashboard that says, \u201cOil\u201d or \u201cEngine.\u201d\u00a0 It is warning you something is going on underneath the hood that needs to be addressed.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we get angry, it means something.\u00a0 Usually, it means we are disappointed or we\u2019ve been hurt.\u00a0 Anger is really a secondary emotion.\u00a0 It seldom is the primary emotion.\u00a0 It is usually the result of something else having hurt us or disappointed us, expectations not being met.\u00a0 It is not wrong to feel anger.\u00a0 It is wrong to harbor anger.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat becomes what the Bible calls resentment.\u00a0 Romance in a relationship cannot grow in the toxic soil of a human heart filled with resentment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA good question for every couple here to think about sometime this weekend and maybe answer:\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhen was the last time you two apologized to each other for a hurt you caused one another?\u201d\u00a0 Just reflect back.\u00a0 When was the last time you said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry that I hurt you, disappointed you?\u201d\u00a0 I think it\u2019s the practice of knowing how to deal with our anger that turns marriages into great marriages, but anger can be a dangerous weapon.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to show you a clip from a movie.\u00a0 FamilyLife has the privilege of having established a significant partnership with <em>Fireproof<\/em>.\u00a0 It is a part of our long-term strategy in partnering with people who have a vision and passion for marriages and families.\u00a0 It\u2019s done by a church in southern Georgia, by the same church that did <em>Facing the Giants<\/em>.\u00a0 It\u2019s not a cheesy, Christian film.\u00a0 It has a great story.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA storyline of a fireman who, in his marriage, found out his marriage was being damaged.\u00a0 They basically neglected each other.\u00a0 I want you to watch a scene where you can feel how anger can be used to damage another person.\u00a0 This is Kirk Cameron speaking to his wife in the kitchen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(movie clip begins playing)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 What are you doing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 See you left me no pizza.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 Caleb, I just lit that candle.\u00a0 I like the way it smells.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t.\u00a0 Did you leave me any dinner at all?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 I assumed you were eating with Michael.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 Does it not occur to you that there are two people living in this house, and both of them need to eat?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know what, Caleb?\u00a0 If you would communicate with me, maybe I could have something for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 Why do you have to make everything so difficult?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, I\u2019m making everything difficult?!\u00a0 It seems to me like I\u2019m the one carrying the weight around here while you\u2019re off doing your own thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 Excuse me!\u00a0 I\u2019m the one out there working to pay this mortgage, and I pay for both of the cars.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and that is all you do!\u00a0 I pay all of our bills with my salary.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 Which you agreed to do.\u00a0 That\u2019s fair.\u00a0 Do you not like this house?\u00a0 Do you not like your car?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 Caleb, who takes care of this house?\u00a0 Me.\u00a0 Who washes all the clothes?\u00a0 Me.\u00a0 Who gets all the groceries?\u00a0 Me.\u00a0 Not to mention, I\u2019m helping my parents every weekend.\u00a0 You know, I\u2019ve got all this pressure on me.\u00a0 The only thing you ever do for anybody is for yourself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let me tell you something.\u00a0 You don\u2019t know the first thing about pressure!\u00a0 Alright?\u00a0 You think, I put out house fires for myself or rush to car wrecks at 2:00 a.m. for myself or pull a child\u2019s body out of a lake for myself?\u00a0 You have no idea what I go through! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 What do you do around here other than watch TV and waste time on the internet?\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 If looking at that trash is how you get fulfilled, that\u2019s fine; but I will not compete with it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I sure don\u2019t get it from you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you won\u2019t because you care more about saving for your stupid boat and pleasing yourself than you ever did about me!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong> (yelling)\u00a0 STOP!\u00a0 I\u2019m sick of you.\u00a0 You disrespectful, ungrateful, selfish woman.\u00a0 How dare you say that to me!\u00a0 You constantly nag me, and you drain the life out of me!\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of it!\u00a0 If you can\u2019t give me the respect I deserve\u2014LOOK AT ME\u2014then, what\u2019s the point of this marriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wife:<\/strong> (sniffling)\u00a0 I want out.\u00a0 I just want out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Husband:<\/strong>\u00a0 You want out?\u00a0 That\u2019s fine with me!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 (recorded message)\u00a0 We showed that to our speakers\u2014we have 70 couples who speak at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> conferences.\u00a0 We asked them, \u201cShould we show this at our events?\u201d because we have an arrangement where we can do that.\u00a0 To a person, they said, \u201cYes, because that\u2019s what\u2019s happening in a lot of Christian marriages\u201d\u2014obviously, in the world, too.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnger can be destructive.\u00a0 Patterns of anger can cause a relationship to shrivel.\u00a0 That\u2019s why anger has to be controlled.\u00a0 Anger has to be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit yielded to God.\u00a0 Patterns of anger expression have to be broken.\u00a0 In some cases, maybe to get a third party, like a pastor or counselor, to be able to break those patterns. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we get angry, we really have to be careful what we say.\u00a0 It\u2019s been said, \u201cI have regretted my speech; never my silence.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the big problems within the Christian community and America is:\u00a0 \u201cWe throw around the \u2018D-word\u2019, threatening divorce in our marriages\u201d.\u00a0 It is why it has become a reality\u2014so that the divorce rate in the church is higher than it is outside the church.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf anyone here, (I\u2019m just assuming nothing; I know nothing about you all as couples), but if anyone here, every uses the \u201cD-word\u201d before you go back home, first turn to each other and ask for one another\u2019s forgiveness.\u00a0 Eliminate the \u201cD-word\u201d.\u00a0 Don\u2019t ever use it, ever again, in your marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFirst of all, \u201cPray Every Day as a Couple.\u201d\u00a0 Secondly, \u201cUnderstand the Anatomy of Anger\u201d\u2014 that it is a warning light that something is wrong.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to talk about what\u2019s wrong.\u00a0 That really leads us to the third essential for handling conflict, \u201cLoving Confrontation,\u201d Loving confrontation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWords can either bring healing or they can bring additional hurt.\u00a0 Ephesians Chapter 4, verse 29 says, \u201cLet no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a couple of stories I\u2019m about to tell about myself that I\u2019m not particularly proud of.\u00a0 This one occurred early in our marriage.\u00a0 We\u2019d been married long enough to have six children.\u00a0 I think they were 12 years in age and under.\u00a0 I was getting ready to speak at a retreat.\u00a0 We were taking the entire family\u2014going to make it a vacation as I spoke\u2014so, six kids, eight days, 19 suitcases.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWorkmen, at the same time, were installing an alarm system.\u00a0 There were dust drills, hammers, a mess\u2014all occurring as Barbara was getting everything ready.\u00a0 While Barbara was washing, cleaning, packing, and getting everything ready to leave the next day, that morning the washing machine spilled out its contents all over the floor, soap and suds everywhere.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, she picked up a couple of kids with ear infections and drug them along with the laundry to the laundry mat so they would have enough clean clothes.\u00a0 It took her most of the day.\u00a0 There were interruptions of the phone, the workman, the youngest, Laura, who was fussing because of her ear infection.\u00a0 It was now 5 o\u2019clock in the afternoon.\u00a0 Nothing was planned for dinner.\u00a0 I arrived, heroically, and met her in town for a hamburger and fed the kids.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI dashed to church, took the kids to Awana to get memory verses; and Barbara went home to finish packing.\u00a0 I went to the office to get my speaking notes.\u00a0 When I arrived about 10 o\u2019clock that night, Barbara had not finished packing.\u00a0 I arrived on the scene.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese are Barbara\u2019s words:\u00a0 \u201cDennis had to make some phone calls.\u00a0 Later, about midnight, came upstairs and started helping me pack.\u00a0 Great guy, huh?\u00a0 Nineteen suitcases.\u00a0 He was tired, and I was out; but I was still on my feet.\u00a0 As he pulled one of his suits out of the closet, he made one of those classic male observations about organization.\u00a0 Quote, \u2018You know, Honey?\u00a0 You could avoid all this last minute stuff if you\u2019d just do a little planning ahead.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can\u2019t believe I said that, really.\u00a0 Is Barbara here?\u00a0 She can\u2019t confirm; you can confirm it later.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara goes on, \u201cHe didn\u2019t say it cuttingly or even with any irritation in his voice.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLike that would have mattered.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHe actually meant it to be helpful.\u00a0 Nonetheless, I felt the anger rise to the very top of my scalp.\u00a0 I bit my lip and said nothing; but thinking, \u2018Here I\u2019ve been working hard all day, handling all kinds of interruptions; and he talks about organization.\u2019\u00a0 We finally fell in bed about 2:00 a.m.\u00a0 It seemed like we\u2019d been asleep five minutes when the alarm went off at 5:30.\u00a0 We had an early flight.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was thoughtful of me, too, wasn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSomehow, we got ourselves and the children dressed, dragged everything to the car, headed for the airport.\u00a0 I was so tired, I could barely function as we zoomed down the freeway.\u00a0 Dennis, again, tried to give me some helpful pointers on getting ready to go away on trips.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201c\u2018\u2019You know, Honey, you try to accomplish too much before we leave on these trips.\u00a0 If you\u2019d just learn to prioritize and do the really essential things, this could be a lot easier on everybody, particularly you.\u2019\u00a0 That did it!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara writes, \u201cThe steam I had managed to keep inside the night before came shooting out; and I fumed, \u2018Priorities!\u00a0 Priorities!\u2019\u00a0 How do you prioritize a busted washer, having dragged six loads of clothes to the laundry mat, not to mention, a sick child?\u00a0 How am I supposed to prioritize workmen who keep the house in a state of total disaster all day long before I\u2019m leaving?\u00a0 Here I am trying to get everything right so we don\u2019t have to come home to chaos; and you talk about getting organized and getting and setting priorities.\u2019\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cDennis was stunned.\u00a0 His dependable, loving wife, who was normally unflappable, had flipped.\u00a0 I was kind of shocked at myself.\u00a0 I seldom lose it with Dennis, but this time was all just too much.\u00a0 The rest of the ride to the airport was quiet\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was also quite chilly, as I recall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201c\u2014and so was the plane flight.\u00a0 Everything was pointed out with good intentions.\u00a0 He, actually, meant to be helpful, but all it did was hurt; and I responded badly.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we\u2019re going to resolve conflict, you have to approach confrontation carefully.\u00a0 When we speak the truth, you need to check your motivation; you need to check the timing; you need to check circumstances; you need to check the emotional gas tank of your spouse in the context of his or her life and where they are coming at it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you speak the truth, if it is the truth\u2014I think much of what I had to say here was, frankly, not necessarily the truth.\u00a0 I could have picked a whole lot better time to have approached her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we\u2019ve been listening to Part Two of a message on resolving conflict in marriage from a recent <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Kind of sounded like a confession.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You were reliving that story as you were listening to it here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, I\u2019ve told that story a few times; but I just keep going, \u201cWhat an idiot!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cWhat was I thinking?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What was I thinking?\u00a0 (laughter)\u00a0 You know, my wife is a wonderful mother and wife to me and six kids.\u00a0 She had packed all these bags.\u00a0 I mean, we had 18 bags or something.\u00a0 It was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cSweetheart, you wouldn\u2019t be so rushed if you\u2019d do a little pre-planning.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I mean, you know, that\u2019s what you call, Bob, a rookie mistake.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You just don\u2019t think you\u2019ll make it in year 12, 13, or 14 in your marriage!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You hope you don\u2019t make it again after the first time you\u2019ve made it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 Here\u2019s a verse just to wrap up today: James, Chapter 1, verse 19.\u00a0 This is <em>The Living Bible<\/em>.\u00a0 \u201cIt is best to listen much, speak little, and not become angry.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ve said this many times, \u201cI have regretted my speech; never my silence,\u201d for the most part.\u00a0 There have been times when I should have said some things.\u00a0 That was my mistake, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The other night.\u00a0 (laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, the other night that happened.\u00a0 Here\u2019s the thing.\u00a0 Who doesn\u2019t need to be sharpened in terms of communication, resolving conflict, and strengthening your marriage?\u00a0 That\u2019s why we\u2019re talking about\u2014encouraging you to get away to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway in the next few months.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got them all over the country\u2014have more than a 130 of them around the United States.\u00a0 Take us up on these offers and get away.\u00a0 Have a romantic getaway for just the two of you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019ve worked out a special deal for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners.\u00a0 If sign up and indicate that you listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, you will save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee just by identifying yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener.\u00a0 It is the lowest rate we make available.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll you have to do, if you\u2019re signing up online to go to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you type my name in the online key code box.\u00a0 Type \u201cBOB\u201d in the box.\u00a0 If you\u2019re calling 1-800-FL-TODAY to sign up (1-800-358-6329) for a getaway, just mention, \u201cI listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and I want to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> group rate.\u201d\u00a0 Again, you\u2019ll save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee when you do that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we hear from you before the end of the month, we\u2019re going to send you, as a thank- you gift for signing up early, a copy of the game, <em>Spouse-ology<\/em>\u00ae for couples to play together.\u00a0 It is a fun game to get to know other couples.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send that out to you as our way of saying, \u201cThanks,\u201d for signing up early for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>.\u00a0 Again, that\u2019s if we hear from you before the end of the month.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, go online at FamilyLifeToday.com, type my name.\u00a0 Type \u201cBOB\u201d in the key code box.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and sign up for an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 You\u2019ll save at least $100 per couple off the regular registration fee by identifying yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to hear Part Three of Dennis\u2019 message on resolving conflict in marriage.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about forgiveness and rebuilding trust in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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