{"id":302293,"date":"2011-06-24T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-06-24T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/learning-to-love\/"},"modified":"2011-06-24T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-06-24T15:00:00","slug":"learning-to-love","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/learning-to-love\/","title":{"rendered":"Learning to Love"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Caregiving demands that we love as Christ loved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-06-24.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"20.98M","filesize_raw":"21998891","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2821],"tags":[5180,5181],"podcast_series":[7810],"cwp_profile":[3476],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302293","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-reaching-out","tag-caregiving","tag-edlerly-parents","podcast_series-ambushed-by-grace","cwp_profile-shelly-beach","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302293\/learning-to-love","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302293\/learning-to-love","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"cNUb6reeP0\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/learning-to-love\/\">Learning to Love<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/learning-to-love\/embed\/#?secret=cNUb6reeP0\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Learning to Love&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"cNUb6reeP0\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-06-24.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-06-24.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 I expected the caregiving to be about taking care of people and doing things.\u00a0 God snuck up, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, \u201cThis is going to be heart work and my relationship with you.\u201d\u00a0 It was about learning to love and trust God\u2019s character more and out of that, just an overflow of things that came into my relationships with family members and other people.\u00a0 That all sprung from the abundance of the goodness of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, June 24<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Today, Shelly Beach shares with us some of the spiritual lessons she learned as a caregiver.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I think, it was 1976, wasn\u2019t it?\u00a0 When you got the call that your father had died?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right, right.\u00a0 The year we started FamilyLife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Your mom at that time was how old?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She was sixty-four.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sixty-four.\u00a0 She was still able to take care of herself.\u00a0 There weren\u2019t any questions.\u00a0 Did you and Barbara even talk about whether she should move to Little Rock?\u00a0 Whether you should try to move to be near her?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 You\u2019d have to have known my mom.\u00a0 She was so independent and self-sufficient as a woman.\u00a0 She had her household together.\u00a0 Although it was a huge shock to her to lose her life partner of almost forty-five years, she was very competent to be able to run her own household.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember as she aged you started making more frequent trips back home.\u00a0 Get in the truck and make a\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014three and half\/four hour drive back up to where you grew up\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and spend time with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 Every trip was kind of like peeling an onion as I got to know my mom in a different light.\u00a0 She became increasingly more dependent the older she became.\u00a0 Of course, it wasn\u2019t instant.\u00a0 I was able to set some things up to help her after my dad died.\u00a0 Then, I began to help her with other things around the house.\u00a0 Would put together an address list for her to be able to call.\u00a0 Just tried to do everything I could to make life as easy and as acceptable to her and painless as it could possibly be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you feel guilty being this far away\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and feel like you should go up there every weekend?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Never, you could never go enough and stay long enough.\u00a0 Then, you stay too long.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Then, you feel guilty for staying too long.\u00a0 There\u2019s all that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a guest with us who has been talking with us all this week about giving care to our parents as they grow older.\u00a0 Shelly Beach joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Shelly, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Shelly has written a book called <em>Ambushed by Grace<\/em>.\u00a0 I\u2019d have to say, Shelly\u2019s life was ambushed early around this whole subject of giving care to grandparents, then your parents, and your husband\u2019s parents.\u00a0 Shelly, I\u2019m just going to warn you I\u2019ve never done this before (eighteen years).\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, my.\u00a0 Oh, my.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m getting scared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want to ask you to do something at the end of this broadcast that I usually don\u2019t give a guest the warning that I\u2019m going to do.\u00a0 In your case, because I read your book and I know a little of the story behind this, I\u2019m going to ask you to give a verbal tribute to your father at the end of this broadcast because he is still alive, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 He is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s ninety\/ninety-one now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s ninety.\u00a0 He\u2019s ninety.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ninety.\u00a0 Ninety years of age.\u00a0 I just want him to sit back in his rocking chair, easy boy recliner, or whatever it is he kind of relaxes in and hear your words of honor to him.\u00a0 Will you do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would love to that.\u00a0 That would be wonderful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re talking, though, about the subject of caring for parents who are growing older.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t tell you this, Shelly; but in doing the homework for your interviews, I called a friend who was the past chairman and CEO of Capital Senior Living.\u00a0 His name is Jim Strout.\u00a0 He is in Dallas, TX.\u00a0 Since 1990, he\u2019s given leadership to really providing healthcare, assisted living for senior adults.\u00a0 In fact, he is the fifth person to be inducted into the Healthcare Hall of Fame.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wow!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, he knows what he is talking about.\u00a0 When I asked Jim to kind of summarize what\u2019s happening in families around this issue of caregiving, one word just kept on being repeated by Jim.\u00a0 It was the word stress.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He said, \u201cIt is a huge stress on the adult children who provide the primary care for their adult parents.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cTwenty-five to thirty percent of the expenses of the elderly parents are handled out of pocket by the caregivers.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a huge stress.\u00a0 He talked about just how our parents grow older and how if they lose their job in their fifties and sixties because of the economic climate today; most likely they\u2019re not going to be able to get a job\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014like they\u2019ve had.\u00a0 So, they\u2019re chances of experiences poverty or economic need are increasing as we\u2019re all growing older.\u00a0 I heard you say, \u201cThere are ten thousand seniors turning sixty-five every day now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 They\u2019re calling it the silver tsunami.\u00a0 It is totally changing the demographic of the nation in terms of the amount of caregivers to carereceivers.\u00a0 What\u2019s happening economically in the nation as far as care, health care and elder care, is concerned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Back a generation ago, Mom and Dad were up there in years in their eighties or their nineties and they needed help, they were probably in the same town because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014we kind of stayed in the same town.\u00a0 Today, it\u2019s as likely that Mom and Dad have moved to Florida or that you\u2019re living across the country from where they live.\u00a0 Like Dennis\u2019s situation where his mom is in a different town\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014you have a desire to be a caregiver or to do something to care for your parents; and yet, you\u2019re apart.\u00a0 How can you effectively engage or help an aging parent if you don\u2019t live in the same community?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there are professionals who can help you do that now that you can engage to help: go in and check on your loved ones, perform tasks for them, take them shopping; but that all comes at a price.\u00a0 As far as I\u2019m concerned, I think, this is really becoming more and more the job of the church and the people of God to create circles of support, means of support, and to engage in this process and knowing how to do this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, there are resources that are out there.\u00a0 That\u2019s one thing about my book that I thought was going to be very important.\u00a0 When we started doing this with Norman, we didn\u2019t know where to start.\u00a0 So, I built appendices in the back: all kinds of websites, phone numbers, and resources that people can access to know where you can go to get that kind of assistance.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have the dollars, if there are other family resources, family members who can help you, the best place to start is the Area Agency on Aging.\u00a0 Everybody has that in their community.\u00a0 Have them come and do assessment to tell you what you qualify for.\u00a0 That would be paid for through your tax dollars.\u00a0 Then, what services need to be put into place for your loved one whether they\u2019re in your community or whether they\u2019re living in a community across the country that can be done.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m glad, though, that you pulled us back to the local church.\u00a0 We\u2019ve talked about the son and daughter\u2019s responsibility to honor and to care for a parent; but when you look at who God\u2019s heart is turned toward in the Scriptures, widows and orphans keep coming up\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014as the two people who are powerless in a culture, who need help, who need support.\u00a0 The people of God have requirements to care for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 In fact, I think it\u2019s close to the heart of God\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014to be able to care for these who can\u2019t care for themselves.\u00a0 You\u2019ve found out you said as you begin to care for, first your husband\u2019s father, then, your parents, that you were a generational bigot?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 I was a generational bigot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What do you mean by that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there were certain things about those who were older than I am that I didn\u2019t understand, that I found myself to be prejudice and biased about: attitudes and things like that.\u00a0 There were certain things that I found to be quite unlovely about myself, attitudes that I carried.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s actually a book that Mary Piper has written called <em>Another Country<\/em>.\u00a0 It talks about the generational attitudes that do separate us; the fact that we think differently as younger generations and older generations.\u00a0 We simply communicate according to different value systems sometimes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think that is why God wants us to go near the orphan and the widow because as we get close to them we find out some things about ourselves\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014that we would not have confronted otherwise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Having to do with compassion and the fact that we are all the same.\u00a0 At the very core of our being, we all want to be loved, we want to be accepted, we want to be known.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I had a father in law in my home who acted for all intensive purposes like he never wanted to be known.\u00a0 The man barely spoke.\u00a0 He was very, very closed in his emotions.\u00a0 He also was a man who had been wounded and hurt very young in life.\u00a0 He did want to be known; and most of all, he needed to be loved.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI needed to find an effective way and means of doing that to the best of my ability.\u00a0 I needed the church to help equip me to do that.\u00a0 Fortunately, right now, I\u2019m in a church that does help equip me to do that.\u00a0 We do things that help caregivers all the time.\u00a0 We have an entire portion of our church in our health ministry that is devoted to helping those who are caregivers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What kind of help?\u00a0 What kinds of things can a church do to help, not only the elderly, but help those who are caregivers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we have a faith community nurse in our church who helps keep tabs on physical things as far as some of those needs are concerned.\u00a0 If you\u2019re in the hospital, she\u2019s there to support you.\u00a0 We have counselors on staff at our church that are available.\u00a0 We also have people who are becoming more and more knowledgeable about what resources are available in the community and can point you in the direction of community resources.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also put on regular training seminars for people like me to come in and speak and help you know what resources are available to you, where you can access them.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what\u2019s available in Arkansas, for instance, but I can provide you with a good foundation of information that will help point you in the right direction.\u00a0 So, we put on conferences and seminars.\u00a0 We have a respite program that we\u2019re putting together.\u00a0 This is so needed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and so necessary.\u00a0 It can be as simple as this.\u00a0 Do you have five children?\u00a0 I have a mother with Alzheimer\u2019s.\u00a0 Could you please come to my house an hour or two a week just bring your kids over and let them play?\u00a0 Let my mother watch your children play.\u00a0 I can go down the hallway, lie down, take a nap for an hour.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy mother was mesmerized by small children and babies.\u00a0 She loved to watch children play.\u00a0 If you could just do that once a week, bring your kids to my house; and I could go down the hallway, know that my mom was safe, and I could lie down and take a nap.\u00a0 That was heaven to me.\u00a0 That was a simple system I worked out with a good friend who now has moved actually here to Arkansas.\u00a0 She brought her children over to my house to play; so, I could nap.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRespite can be that simple.\u00a0 It can be more complicated.\u00a0 If you had a hot tub, baby, I was coming over.\u00a0 I\u2019d ask for your hot tub.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI needed to get out of my home.\u00a0 My home was not a place of solitude and rest.\u00a0 So, if you had a hot tub, I was coming over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, Shelly, I\u2019m listening to you.\u00a0 It just sounds relentless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It would seem\u2014back to Bob\u2019s question of me that he asked earlier, \u201cDid I ever feel guilty for not going to see my mom?\u201d\u00a0 Well, it was constant.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There was a period of time that I was going almost every weekend.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sometimes, to drive four hours, to spend four hours with her, to turn around and come back for commitment or an obligation that my own family had.\u00a0 The issue of boundaries, guilt, all that has to be dealt with\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 It does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014with a caregiver, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 It does.\u00a0 That\u2019s why when I wrote this book I had to deal with some of those issues specifically.\u00a0 There\u2019s a chapter on guilt.\u00a0 There\u2019s a chapter that deals with boundaries.\u00a0 Guilt, in particular, true guilt and false guilt.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are supposed to deal with true guilt in this world.\u00a0 If I have offended you, if I am responsible for a sin, I need to set that straight.\u00a0 I need to get that right with God.\u00a0 That has to do with sin and commission or omission, doing certain things that are a violation of Scripture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFalse guilt is an expectation that I have of myself or an expectation that somebody places upon me.\u00a0 It really doesn\u2019t have anything to do with right or wrong or morality or immorality.\u00a0 It\u2019s simply sometimes there\u2019s not enough of me.\u00a0 There never will be.\u00a0 We have to understand that those false guilt feelings are things that we\u2019re going to deal with.\u00a0 Recognize them as part of the landscape.\u00a0 It is not the same as the real guilt, the true, biblical guilt that comes as a different part of the package.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is guilt that comes from the accuser of the brethren where he brings condemnation and tries to take you out of the game by just making you feel guilty.\u00a0 Then, there\u2019s conviction that comes from the Holy Spirit when we realize, \u201cI\u2019ve offended God\u2019s law, His holiness, His standards.\u201d\u00a0 That produces in us repentance that leads to life.\u00a0 Guilt just kind of takes you completely off the playing field, and that\u2019s exactly what the enemy would have happen to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m curious, back to this whole issue of boundaries.\u00a0 You tell a story, and I don\u2019t remember if this was you and one of your parents or if it was somebody else you knew; a mom or a dad who had moved into the house and started complaining about the church that they were being taken to.\u00a0 Was that one of your parents?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 We set a standard when we had family members in our home that you couldn\u2019t complain about the church that we took you to that was just our church.\u00a0 The church is the body of Christ.\u00a0 This is the church that we\u2019re attending, and we expect you to express an attitude of honor and respect for our church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It took a few weeks for your dad to learn that boundary in your home, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m chuckling here, Shelly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014because it\u2019s what kind of like what goes around comes around.\u00a0 There was time when you were a little girl\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u2014and perhaps, he took you to church, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Said, \u201cYou\u2019re not going complain about it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And said, \u201cYou\u2019re not going to complain about.\u00a0 This is where we\u2019re going to go.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, my dad\u2019s very conservative in his taste of music as a lot of people of an older generation are.\u00a0 That\u2019s his taste and standard in music.\u00a0 Our church expresses a wide diversity.\u00a0 You might hear Opera one Sunday, you might hear Southern Gospel, you might hear something that\u2019s much more contemporary.\u00a0 It reflects the gifts of the body of Christ.\u00a0 We sat down the boundary that this is a standard in our home, we do not complain.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It feels odd as an adult child putting boundaries around your parents because it was always the other way around.\u00a0 They were putting the boundaries around you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 There is a standard in our home that had to be stated.\u00a0 There has to be communication about what\u2019s to be expected, or chaos will ensue; and there will be a lot of resentment that will flow from that.\u00a0 So, actually, what we needed to do was\u2014there\u2019s some basic principles about boundary setting that I wanted to establish.\u00a0 They would go for whether or not my children were there, whether or not I had another family member there.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of them had to do with autonomy.\u00a0 I wanted to protect my family member\u2019s autonomy as much as possible: to respect them and for them to respect the autonomy of our marriage, that my husband and I are a family unit.\u00a0 He is the head of the home and to respect that.\u00a0 Also, try to respect my parents\u2019 autonomy as much as possible and respect their choices and decisions.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, negotiation.\u00a0 There are going to be times when we have to negotiate and put things on the table.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have to come to some point of agreement.\u00a0 If you have to negotiate, I would suggest first that you prepare and you pray.\u00a0 Get information, get facts, find out what kinds of things need to be talked about.\u00a0 If you are going to have to come to a compromise, you need information.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you need to affirm one another.\u00a0 What are the strengths that each person brings to this decision, what are the positives that are there?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, the importance of understanding one another in the negotiation process and really understanding that we\u2019re not all alike, we\u2019re not all going to agree on this; but I really am working to have a clear understanding of your point of view on this; and then searching for solutions that you\u2019re all going to engage in that process together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat as much as possible, try to search for clear solutions and evaluate the options.\u00a0 You have to look at the options.\u00a0 What\u2019s the pro and the con and the give and the take that is going to take place in those options?\u00a0 Respect, listening, honesty.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhenever you go into any kind of situation with boundaries, there have to be expectations and consequences.\u00a0 Sometimes, there were certain expectations that I had to lay down and certain consequences that I had to lay down when it came to that boundary setting as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not easy when it\u2019s your mom and dad that you\u2019re setting boundaries for\u2014dishing out consequences if they don\u2019t live up to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s true.\u00a0 That\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve been curious about the title of your book because you don\u2019t expect a book titled <em>Ambushed by Grace<\/em> to be a book about caregiving.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yet, you felt strongly that this is the central theme that you wanted to communicate.\u00a0 In this six plus years that you had a parent in your home\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014that was a time when you grew in your relationship with God exponentially.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 It actually turned out to be more like eight or ten years, but I expected the caregiving to be about taking care of people and doing things.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod snuck up on me from behind, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, \u201cThis is about you and your heart.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to change you.\u00a0 This is going to be about heart work and my relationship with you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was about reconciliation.\u00a0 It was about learning to love.\u00a0 It was about learning to love and trust God\u2019s character more.\u00a0 Out of that, just an overflow of things that came into my relationships with family members and other people.\u00a0 That all sprung from the abundance of goodness of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is interesting that you were ambushed as a little girl as you helped take care of your ninety year old grandmother.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s kind of a theme of your life that God wanted to use, older parents in your life to bring you back to Him and to grow you spiritually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think all of us have got to grapple with what is our responsibility and how are we going to respond as our parents grow older and as they need us more.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that everybody is going to respond with the same conclusion that you responded with, but we\u2019re all going to have to decide how do we serve our parents and how do we ultimately serve God in this reality.\u00a0 That\u2019s where I think your book can really help us as we think through what our response is going to be.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got Shelly\u2019s book, which is called <em>Ambushed by Grace,<\/em> in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about how to get a copy of the book.\u00a0 Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 <br><br>Call toll-free at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Again, ask about the book, <em>Ambushed by Grace,<\/em> from Shelly Beach.\u00a0 The toll-free number 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800 F as in \u201cfamily,\u201d L as in \u201clife,\u201d and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Or order online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis, I know you have a final assignment for Shelly before we\u2019re done today; but before we get to that, let me say a quick word of thanks to those listeners who from time to time will get in touch with us either online or by phone to help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> financially.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate your generosity and your willingness to partner with us in this radio program.\u00a0 We\u2019re listener supported.\u00a0 More than sixty-five percent of the budget for the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is met by people who make those occasional donations to keep us on the air, to keep our website up, to keep our resources coming.\u00a0 We\u2019re grateful for your participation with us in this ministry.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re able to make a donation this month to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d like to invite you to request a book by our friend Dr. John Yates, a book called <em>How a Man Prays for His Family<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlong with the book, we\u2019ll send you an audio CD that includes a conversation we had with John on this subject; and a couple of prayer cards that are laminated that a dad can keep with him at work, in his car, or tuck it away in your Bible to prompt you to pray for your children and to offer some specific suggestions on how you can be praying for your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019ll send these resources out when you contact us to make a donation this month.\u00a0 If you make that donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com and you\u2019d like to receive the resources I\u2019ve just mentioned, type the word \u201cPRAY\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send that out to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call 1-800-FL-TODAY, make a donation over the phone, and just ask for the resources for men on prayer.\u00a0 Again, we\u2019re happy to send those out to you.\u00a0 We so much appreciate your support of this ministry and we\u2019re grateful to hear from you.\u00a0 Dennis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we\u2019ve had the privilege all this week of listening to Shelly Beach talk about how to be an effective caregiver of our parents as they grow older.\u00a0 Shelly, you\u2019ve done a wonderful job with your book, <em>Ambushed by Grace.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>I appreciate your being with us.\u00a0 I asked you to give a tribute to your ninety year old father.\u00a0 He lived with you how long as an older parent?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Three years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Three years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Undoubtedly, he is going to be listening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s asked several times already when this is going to air.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What is his name?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 His name is Paul Burke.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Mr. Burke, we\u2019re going to step out of the studio and Shelly is just going to speak with you personally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Dad, you gave me great gifts growing up.\u00a0 One the most precious would be a love for the Word of God.\u00a0 That has carried me in my faith all of my life.\u00a0 I think a second gift that you gave to me, Dad, is that you taught me how to love well.\u00a0 You could have stepped away from Mom\u2019s side when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer\u2019s.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver and over and over again, when things were hard and difficult, you could have chosen to move to another facility, to move to a different place where it would have been easier for her; but to the very, very end, to the moment that Mom passed, you served her selflessly.\u00a0 You loved her every day.\u00a0 You cared for her every need.\u00a0 You were the face of Jesus to her.\u00a0 I can never thank you enough for that, Dad.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thank you for continually pouring into the lives of your children and grandchildren.\u00a0 You\u2019re love language has been consistent.\u00a0 I just want to tell you today how much I love you and thank God for you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["20.98M"],"filesize_raw":["21998891"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302293.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302293.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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demands that we love as Christ loved.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-06-24.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 I expected the caregiving to be about taking care of people and doing things.\u00a0 God snuck up, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, \u201cThis is going to be heart work and my relationship with you.\u201d\u00a0 It was about learning to love and trust God\u2019s character more and out of that, just an overflow of things that came into my relationships with family members and other people.\u00a0 That all sprung from the abundance of the goodness of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, June 24<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Today, Shelly Beach shares with us some of the spiritual lessons she learned as a caregiver.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I think, it was 1976, wasn\u2019t it?\u00a0 When you got the call that your father had died?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right, right.\u00a0 The year we started FamilyLife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Your mom at that time was how old?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She was sixty-four.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sixty-four.\u00a0 She was still able to take care of herself.\u00a0 There weren\u2019t any questions.\u00a0 Did you and Barbara even talk about whether she should move to Little Rock?\u00a0 Whether you should try to move to be near her?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 You\u2019d have to have known my mom.\u00a0 She was so independent and self-sufficient as a woman.\u00a0 She had her household together.\u00a0 Although it was a huge shock to her to lose her life partner of almost forty-five years, she was very competent to be able to run her own household.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember as she aged you started making more frequent trips back home.\u00a0 Get in the truck and make a\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014three and half\/four hour drive back up to where you grew up\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and spend time with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 Every trip was kind of like peeling an onion as I got to know my mom in a different light.\u00a0 She became increasingly more dependent the older she became.\u00a0 Of course, it wasn\u2019t instant.\u00a0 I was able to set some things up to help her after my dad died.\u00a0 Then, I began to help her with other things around the house.\u00a0 Would put together an address list for her to be able to call.\u00a0 Just tried to do everything I could to make life as easy and as acceptable to her and painless as it could possibly be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you feel guilty being this far away\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and feel like you should go up there every weekend?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Never, you could never go enough and stay long enough.\u00a0 Then, you stay too long.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Then, you feel guilty for staying too long.\u00a0 There\u2019s all that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a guest with us who has been talking with us all this week about giving care to our parents as they grow older.\u00a0 Shelly Beach joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Shelly, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Good to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Shelly has written a book called <em>Ambushed by Grace<\/em>.\u00a0 I\u2019d have to say, Shelly\u2019s life was ambushed early around this whole subject of giving care to grandparents, then your parents, and your husband\u2019s parents.\u00a0 Shelly, I\u2019m just going to warn you I\u2019ve never done this before (eighteen years).\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, my.\u00a0 Oh, my.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m getting scared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want to ask you to do something at the end of this broadcast that I usually don\u2019t give a guest the warning that I\u2019m going to do.\u00a0 In your case, because I read your book and I know a little of the story behind this, I\u2019m going to ask you to give a verbal tribute to your father at the end of this broadcast because he is still alive, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 He is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s ninety\/ninety-one now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s ninety.\u00a0 He\u2019s ninety.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ninety.\u00a0 Ninety years of age.\u00a0 I just want him to sit back in his rocking chair, easy boy recliner, or whatever it is he kind of relaxes in and hear your words of honor to him.\u00a0 Will you do that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 I would love to that.\u00a0 That would be wonderful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re talking, though, about the subject of caring for parents who are growing older.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t tell you this, Shelly; but in doing the homework for your interviews, I called a friend who was the past chairman and CEO of Capital Senior Living.\u00a0 His name is Jim Strout.\u00a0 He is in Dallas, TX.\u00a0 Since 1990, he\u2019s given leadership to really providing healthcare, assisted living for senior adults.\u00a0 In fact, he is the fifth person to be inducted into the Healthcare Hall of Fame.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wow!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, he knows what he is talking about.\u00a0 When I asked Jim to kind of summarize what\u2019s happening in families around this issue of caregiving, one word just kept on being repeated by Jim.\u00a0 It was the word stress.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He said, \u201cIt is a huge stress on the adult children who provide the primary care for their adult parents.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cTwenty-five to thirty percent of the expenses of the elderly parents are handled out of pocket by the caregivers.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a huge stress.\u00a0 He talked about just how our parents grow older and how if they lose their job in their fifties and sixties because of the economic climate today; most likely they\u2019re not going to be able to get a job\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014like they\u2019ve had.\u00a0 So, they\u2019re chances of experiences poverty or economic need are increasing as we\u2019re all growing older.\u00a0 I heard you say, \u201cThere are ten thousand seniors turning sixty-five every day now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 They\u2019re calling it the silver tsunami.\u00a0 It is totally changing the demographic of the nation in terms of the amount of caregivers to carereceivers.\u00a0 What\u2019s happening economically in the nation as far as care, health care and elder care, is concerned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Back a generation ago, Mom and Dad were up there in years in their eighties or their nineties and they needed help, they were probably in the same town because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014we kind of stayed in the same town.\u00a0 Today, it\u2019s as likely that Mom and Dad have moved to Florida or that you\u2019re living across the country from where they live.\u00a0 Like Dennis\u2019s situation where his mom is in a different town\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014you have a desire to be a caregiver or to do something to care for your parents; and yet, you\u2019re apart.\u00a0 How can you effectively engage or help an aging parent if you don\u2019t live in the same community?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there are professionals who can help you do that now that you can engage to help: go in and check on your loved ones, perform tasks for them, take them shopping; but that all comes at a price.\u00a0 As far as I\u2019m concerned, I think, this is really becoming more and more the job of the church and the people of God to create circles of support, means of support, and to engage in this process and knowing how to do this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, there are resources that are out there.\u00a0 That\u2019s one thing about my book that I thought was going to be very important.\u00a0 When we started doing this with Norman, we didn\u2019t know where to start.\u00a0 So, I built appendices in the back: all kinds of websites, phone numbers, and resources that people can access to know where you can go to get that kind of assistance.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have the dollars, if there are other family resources, family members who can help you, the best place to start is the Area Agency on Aging.\u00a0 Everybody has that in their community.\u00a0 Have them come and do assessment to tell you what you qualify for.\u00a0 That would be paid for through your tax dollars.\u00a0 Then, what services need to be put into place for your loved one whether they\u2019re in your community or whether they\u2019re living in a community across the country that can be done.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m glad, though, that you pulled us back to the local church.\u00a0 We\u2019ve talked about the son and daughter\u2019s responsibility to honor and to care for a parent; but when you look at who God\u2019s heart is turned toward in the Scriptures, widows and orphans keep coming up\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014as the two people who are powerless in a culture, who need help, who need support.\u00a0 The people of God have requirements to care for them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 In fact, I think it\u2019s close to the heart of God\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014to be able to care for these who can\u2019t care for themselves.\u00a0 You\u2019ve found out you said as you begin to care for, first your husband\u2019s father, then, your parents, that you were a generational bigot?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 I was a generational bigot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What do you mean by that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there were certain things about those who were older than I am that I didn\u2019t understand, that I found myself to be prejudice and biased about: attitudes and things like that.\u00a0 There were certain things that I found to be quite unlovely about myself, attitudes that I carried.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s actually a book that Mary Piper has written called <em>Another Country<\/em>.\u00a0 It talks about the generational attitudes that do separate us; the fact that we think differently as younger generations and older generations.\u00a0 We simply communicate according to different value systems sometimes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think that is why God wants us to go near the orphan and the widow because as we get close to them we find out some things about ourselves\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014that we would not have confronted otherwise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Having to do with compassion and the fact that we are all the same.\u00a0 At the very core of our being, we all want to be loved, we want to be accepted, we want to be known.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I had a father in law in my home who acted for all intensive purposes like he never wanted to be known.\u00a0 The man barely spoke.\u00a0 He was very, very closed in his emotions.\u00a0 He also was a man who had been wounded and hurt very young in life.\u00a0 He did want to be known; and most of all, he needed to be loved.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI needed to find an effective way and means of doing that to the best of my ability.\u00a0 I needed the church to help equip me to do that.\u00a0 Fortunately, right now, I\u2019m in a church that does help equip me to do that.\u00a0 We do things that help caregivers all the time.\u00a0 We have an entire portion of our church in our health ministry that is devoted to helping those who are caregivers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What kind of help?\u00a0 What kinds of things can a church do to help, not only the elderly, but help those who are caregivers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we have a faith community nurse in our church who helps keep tabs on physical things as far as some of those needs are concerned.\u00a0 If you\u2019re in the hospital, she\u2019s there to support you.\u00a0 We have counselors on staff at our church that are available.\u00a0 We also have people who are becoming more and more knowledgeable about what resources are available in the community and can point you in the direction of community resources.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also put on regular training seminars for people like me to come in and speak and help you know what resources are available to you, where you can access them.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what\u2019s available in Arkansas, for instance, but I can provide you with a good foundation of information that will help point you in the right direction.\u00a0 So, we put on conferences and seminars.\u00a0 We have a respite program that we\u2019re putting together.\u00a0 This is so needed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and so necessary.\u00a0 It can be as simple as this.\u00a0 Do you have five children?\u00a0 I have a mother with Alzheimer\u2019s.\u00a0 Could you please come to my house an hour or two a week just bring your kids over and let them play?\u00a0 Let my mother watch your children play.\u00a0 I can go down the hallway, lie down, take a nap for an hour.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy mother was mesmerized by small children and babies.\u00a0 She loved to watch children play.\u00a0 If you could just do that once a week, bring your kids to my house; and I could go down the hallway, know that my mom was safe, and I could lie down and take a nap.\u00a0 That was heaven to me.\u00a0 That was a simple system I worked out with a good friend who now has moved actually here to Arkansas.\u00a0 She brought her children over to my house to play; so, I could nap.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRespite can be that simple.\u00a0 It can be more complicated.\u00a0 If you had a hot tub, baby, I was coming over.\u00a0 I\u2019d ask for your hot tub.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI needed to get out of my home.\u00a0 My home was not a place of solitude and rest.\u00a0 So, if you had a hot tub, I was coming over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, Shelly, I\u2019m listening to you.\u00a0 It just sounds relentless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It would seem\u2014back to Bob\u2019s question of me that he asked earlier, \u201cDid I ever feel guilty for not going to see my mom?\u201d\u00a0 Well, it was constant.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There was a period of time that I was going almost every weekend.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sometimes, to drive four hours, to spend four hours with her, to turn around and come back for commitment or an obligation that my own family had.\u00a0 The issue of boundaries, guilt, all that has to be dealt with\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 It does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014with a caregiver, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 It does.\u00a0 That\u2019s why when I wrote this book I had to deal with some of those issues specifically.\u00a0 There\u2019s a chapter on guilt.\u00a0 There\u2019s a chapter that deals with boundaries.\u00a0 Guilt, in particular, true guilt and false guilt.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are supposed to deal with true guilt in this world.\u00a0 If I have offended you, if I am responsible for a sin, I need to set that straight.\u00a0 I need to get that right with God.\u00a0 That has to do with sin and commission or omission, doing certain things that are a violation of Scripture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFalse guilt is an expectation that I have of myself or an expectation that somebody places upon me.\u00a0 It really doesn\u2019t have anything to do with right or wrong or morality or immorality.\u00a0 It\u2019s simply sometimes there\u2019s not enough of me.\u00a0 There never will be.\u00a0 We have to understand that those false guilt feelings are things that we\u2019re going to deal with.\u00a0 Recognize them as part of the landscape.\u00a0 It is not the same as the real guilt, the true, biblical guilt that comes as a different part of the package.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is guilt that comes from the accuser of the brethren where he brings condemnation and tries to take you out of the game by just making you feel guilty.\u00a0 Then, there\u2019s conviction that comes from the Holy Spirit when we realize, \u201cI\u2019ve offended God\u2019s law, His holiness, His standards.\u201d\u00a0 That produces in us repentance that leads to life.\u00a0 Guilt just kind of takes you completely off the playing field, and that\u2019s exactly what the enemy would have happen to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m curious, back to this whole issue of boundaries.\u00a0 You tell a story, and I don\u2019t remember if this was you and one of your parents or if it was somebody else you knew; a mom or a dad who had moved into the house and started complaining about the church that they were being taken to.\u00a0 Was that one of your parents?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 We set a standard when we had family members in our home that you couldn\u2019t complain about the church that we took you to that was just our church.\u00a0 The church is the body of Christ.\u00a0 This is the church that we\u2019re attending, and we expect you to express an attitude of honor and respect for our church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It took a few weeks for your dad to learn that boundary in your home, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m chuckling here, Shelly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014because it\u2019s what kind of like what goes around comes around.\u00a0 There was time when you were a little girl\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u2014and perhaps, he took you to church, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Said, \u201cYou\u2019re not going complain about it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And said, \u201cYou\u2019re not going to complain about.\u00a0 This is where we\u2019re going to go.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, my dad\u2019s very conservative in his taste of music as a lot of people of an older generation are.\u00a0 That\u2019s his taste and standard in music.\u00a0 Our church expresses a wide diversity.\u00a0 You might hear Opera one Sunday, you might hear Southern Gospel, you might hear something that\u2019s much more contemporary.\u00a0 It reflects the gifts of the body of Christ.\u00a0 We sat down the boundary that this is a standard in our home, we do not complain.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It feels odd as an adult child putting boundaries around your parents because it was always the other way around.\u00a0 They were putting the boundaries around you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 There is a standard in our home that had to be stated.\u00a0 There has to be communication about what\u2019s to be expected, or chaos will ensue; and there will be a lot of resentment that will flow from that.\u00a0 So, actually, what we needed to do was\u2014there\u2019s some basic principles about boundary setting that I wanted to establish.\u00a0 They would go for whether or not my children were there, whether or not I had another family member there.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of them had to do with autonomy.\u00a0 I wanted to protect my family member\u2019s autonomy as much as possible: to respect them and for them to respect the autonomy of our marriage, that my husband and I are a family unit.\u00a0 He is the head of the home and to respect that.\u00a0 Also, try to respect my parents\u2019 autonomy as much as possible and respect their choices and decisions.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, negotiation.\u00a0 There are going to be times when we have to negotiate and put things on the table.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have to come to some point of agreement.\u00a0 If you have to negotiate, I would suggest first that you prepare and you pray.\u00a0 Get information, get facts, find out what kinds of things need to be talked about.\u00a0 If you are going to have to come to a compromise, you need information.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you need to affirm one another.\u00a0 What are the strengths that each person brings to this decision, what are the positives that are there?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, the importance of understanding one another in the negotiation process and really understanding that we\u2019re not all alike, we\u2019re not all going to agree on this; but I really am working to have a clear understanding of your point of view on this; and then searching for solutions that you\u2019re all going to engage in that process together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat as much as possible, try to search for clear solutions and evaluate the options.\u00a0 You have to look at the options.\u00a0 What\u2019s the pro and the con and the give and the take that is going to take place in those options?\u00a0 Respect, listening, honesty.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhenever you go into any kind of situation with boundaries, there have to be expectations and consequences.\u00a0 Sometimes, there were certain expectations that I had to lay down and certain consequences that I had to lay down when it came to that boundary setting as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s not easy when it\u2019s your mom and dad that you\u2019re setting boundaries for\u2014dishing out consequences if they don\u2019t live up to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s true.\u00a0 That\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve been curious about the title of your book because you don\u2019t expect a book titled <em>Ambushed by Grace<\/em> to be a book about caregiving.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yet, you felt strongly that this is the central theme that you wanted to communicate.\u00a0 In this six plus years that you had a parent in your home\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014that was a time when you grew in your relationship with God exponentially.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 It actually turned out to be more like eight or ten years, but I expected the caregiving to be about taking care of people and doing things.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod snuck up on me from behind, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, \u201cThis is about you and your heart.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to change you.\u00a0 This is going to be about heart work and my relationship with you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was about reconciliation.\u00a0 It was about learning to love.\u00a0 It was about learning to love and trust God\u2019s character more.\u00a0 Out of that, just an overflow of things that came into my relationships with family members and other people.\u00a0 That all sprung from the abundance of goodness of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is interesting that you were ambushed as a little girl as you helped take care of your ninety year old grandmother.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s kind of a theme of your life that God wanted to use, older parents in your life to bring you back to Him and to grow you spiritually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think all of us have got to grapple with what is our responsibility and how are we going to respond as our parents grow older and as they need us more.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that everybody is going to respond with the same conclusion that you responded with, but we\u2019re all going to have to decide how do we serve our parents and how do we ultimately serve God in this reality.\u00a0 That\u2019s where I think your book can really help us as we think through what our response is going to be.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got Shelly\u2019s book, which is called <em>Ambushed by Grace,<\/em> in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about how to get a copy of the book.\u00a0 Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 <br><br>Call toll-free at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Again, ask about the book, <em>Ambushed by Grace,<\/em> from Shelly Beach.\u00a0 The toll-free number 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800 F as in \u201cfamily,\u201d L as in \u201clife,\u201d and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Or order online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis, I know you have a final assignment for Shelly before we\u2019re done today; but before we get to that, let me say a quick word of thanks to those listeners who from time to time will get in touch with us either online or by phone to help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> financially.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate your generosity and your willingness to partner with us in this radio program.\u00a0 We\u2019re listener supported.\u00a0 More than sixty-five percent of the budget for the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is met by people who make those occasional donations to keep us on the air, to keep our website up, to keep our resources coming.\u00a0 We\u2019re grateful for your participation with us in this ministry.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re able to make a donation this month to help support <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d like to invite you to request a book by our friend Dr. John Yates, a book called <em>How a Man Prays for His Family<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlong with the book, we\u2019ll send you an audio CD that includes a conversation we had with John on this subject; and a couple of prayer cards that are laminated that a dad can keep with him at work, in his car, or tuck it away in your Bible to prompt you to pray for your children and to offer some specific suggestions on how you can be praying for your children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019ll send these resources out when you contact us to make a donation this month.\u00a0 If you make that donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com and you\u2019d like to receive the resources I\u2019ve just mentioned, type the word \u201cPRAY\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send that out to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call 1-800-FL-TODAY, make a donation over the phone, and just ask for the resources for men on prayer.\u00a0 Again, we\u2019re happy to send those out to you.\u00a0 We so much appreciate your support of this ministry and we\u2019re grateful to hear from you.\u00a0 Dennis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we\u2019ve had the privilege all this week of listening to Shelly Beach talk about how to be an effective caregiver of our parents as they grow older.\u00a0 Shelly, you\u2019ve done a wonderful job with your book, <em>Ambushed by Grace.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>I appreciate your being with us.\u00a0 I asked you to give a tribute to your ninety year old father.\u00a0 He lived with you how long as an older parent?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Three years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Three years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Undoubtedly, he is going to be listening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 He\u2019s asked several times already when this is going to air.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What is his name?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 His name is Paul Burke.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Mr. Burke, we\u2019re going to step out of the studio and Shelly is just going to speak with you personally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelly:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, Dad, you gave me great gifts growing up.\u00a0 One the most precious would be a love for the Word of God.\u00a0 That has carried me in my faith all of my life.\u00a0 I think a second gift that you gave to me, Dad, is that you taught me how to love well.\u00a0 You could have stepped away from Mom\u2019s side when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer\u2019s.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver and over and over again, when things were hard and difficult, you could have chosen to move to another facility, to move to a different place where it would have been easier for her; but to the very, very end, to the moment that Mom passed, you served her selflessly.\u00a0 You loved her every day.\u00a0 You cared for her every need.\u00a0 You were the face of Jesus to her.\u00a0 I can never thank you enough for that, Dad.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thank you for continually pouring into the lives of your children and grandchildren.\u00a0 You\u2019re love language has been consistent.\u00a0 I just want to tell you today how much I love you and thank God for you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><em>\u00a0 <\/em><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife. 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