{"id":302290,"date":"2011-06-21T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-06-21T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/things-that-go-bump-in-the-night-part-2\/"},"modified":"2011-06-21T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-06-21T15:00:00","slug":"things-that-go-bump-in-the-night-part-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/things-that-go-bump-in-the-night-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Things That Go Bump in the Night, Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Tim and Joy Downs continue discussing the four fundamental sexual differences between men and women in a refresher course they call \u2018Serving in Bed 101\u2019, recorded on a recent FamilyLife Love Like You Mean It cruise.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-06-21.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.33M","filesize_raw":"26559710","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[4066,2991],"podcast_series":[7809],"cwp_profile":[3233],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302290","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-intimacy","tag-sex","podcast_series-things-that-go-bump-in-the-night","cwp_profile-tim-and-joy-downs","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302290\/things-that-go-bump-in-the-night-part-2","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302290\/things-that-go-bump-in-the-night-part-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"pdRjBIYtpI\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/things-that-go-bump-in-the-night-part-2\/\">Things That Go Bump in the Night, Part 2<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/things-that-go-bump-in-the-night-part-2\/embed\/#?secret=pdRjBIYtpI\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Things That Go Bump in the Night, Part 2&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"pdRjBIYtpI\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Tim and Joy Downs continue discussing the four fundamental sexual differences between men and women in a refresher course they call \u2018Serving in Bed 101\u2019, recorded on a recent FamilyLife Love Like You Mean It cruise.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-06-21.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When a husband and wife come together for a time of marital intimacy, it\u2019s a wise husband who makes sure his wife feels safe and secure.\u00a0 Here is Joy Downs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 Some practical things we can do is just know where those distractions are.\u00a0 Where are the kids?\u00a0 Is our door locked?\u00a0 You know, Tim has just made a habit.\u00a0 He knows that I\u2019m going to ask, \u201cIs the door locked?\u201d so he automatically locks the door.\u00a0 And to this day, even the kids are in three different states, but he locks the door.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, man, \u2018cause she can hear them in different states.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 I can.\u00a0 Oh, you never know when they\u2019re coming home, right ladies?\u00a0 You never know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLifeToday<\/em> for Tuesday, June 21<sup>st<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll hear from Tim and Joy Downs today about how we can understand and appreciate one another\u2019s differences when it comes to the area of marital intimacy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition.\u00a0 You know, I\u2019m just thinking about how simple I thought it was going to be \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 -- and how complicated it actually is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How na\u00efve I was when I got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019d think that the whole act of physical intimacy would just be like two people helplessly falling off a cliff, under the control of gravity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, that\u2019s what Hollywood makes it look like.\u00a0 It just feels like all the inertia is moving you in that direction.\u00a0 You get married and you find out \u201cWe are really different.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s like swimming upstream, and we\u2019re going to hear today from a couple who are really good friends of Barbara and mine, and they speak at our <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae <\/em>Marriage Getaways, authors of a number of books including the <em>Bugman <\/em>novels.\u00a0 Some of the <em>Bugman<\/em> readers know I am speaking of Tim Downs and his wife, Joy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe had the privilege, as you know, Bob, of going on a cruise with over 1100 couples.\u00a0 It was a four-day cruise around Valentines, and I want to tell you something.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think this message by Tim and Joy Downs could be any better.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was tasteful, it was entertaining, it was funny, but most importantly, it was biblical.\u00a0 It was God\u2019s view of sex and intimacy in marriage, and I think really equipped the couples in attendance with God\u2019s view of sex.\u00a0 That\u2019s why we wanted our listeners to be able to hear it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tim and Joy are going to be with us again next year on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> cruise, which will happen Valentine\u2019s week of 2012.\u00a0 In addition to Tim and Joy, you and Barbara are going to be on the cruise, Voddie Baucham and his wife are going to be there, Gary Thomas and his wife are joining us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re going to be there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 We have a number of musical artists who are going to be with us as well.\u00a0 I\u2019ll give you more information about the cruise before we\u2019re done here today.\u00a0 But here, talking about some of the ways that we need to be sensitive to one another and adjust to one another in the area of intimacy in marriage, are Tim and Joy Downs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, our first difference:\u00a0 different attitudes towards sex.\u00a0 Here\u2019s the second: the different ways that we\u2019re aroused.\u00a0 Now this is going to come as a surprise, but men tend to be stimulated visually.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I\u2019m always ready for bed 15 minutes before my wife is, and that\u2019s because I can\u2019t think of anything else to do.\u00a0 I brush my teeth, I drop my clothes on the floor, I\u2019m out of ideas.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI got 15 minutes to kill every night while I\u2019m waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom and change clothes, and that is the highlight of my day.\u00a0 Sometimes what I do is get all the pillows and stack them up on the bed.\u00a0 I make a kind of observation deck.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 He has a very boring life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s the highlight of my day.\u00a0 The skybox, I call it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Season tickets on the fifty yard line.\u00a0 And I love this:\u00a0 I just watch my wife change clothes.\u00a0 Sometimes I\u2019ll even go, \u201cWhoo!\u00a0 Go back and do that part again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I got to thinking one night, \u201cHey, I am really being selfish here.\u00a0 I mean, if I enjoy this so much . . .\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now what are you laughing at?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 If I enjoy this so much, then maybe I should treat my wife to the same great pleasure.\u00a0 So it was a Saturday.\u00a0 I had come in from cutting the grass.\u00a0 I was taking a shower.\u00a0 I happened to know my wife was in the bedroom, and I thought, \u201cI\u2019m going to give her a little thrill.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 And he did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was in the (laughing) \u2013 I was in the room folding laundry, and my first thought is, \u201cWhere are the kids?\u201d\u00a0 The thought had never crossed his mind.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t care where they were; they could be under the bed for all he cared.\u00a0 So, I thought it was very logical.\u00a0 I threw him a towel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 She throws me a towel!\u00a0 It\u2019s like, \u201cDo you know you\u2019re naked?\u00a0 Here.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 What an oversight on my part!\u00a0 I came walking out of the bathroom feeling like Fabio \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I go running back in feeling like PeeWee Herman.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 What went wrong?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, what went wrong is \u2013 I think my husband is handsome, but women are commonly not stimulated by sight.\u00a0 Sometimes we can be, but as we said before, it\u2019s the relationship.\u00a0 It\u2019s more we\u2019re stimulated by touch, by nice words, by tenderness, by attitudes, by chocolates, by flowers.\u00a0 It\u2019s really something that says, \u201cI care about you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 So what are the lessons we should learn from this difference?\u00a0 Okay, men, again, us first.\u00a0 Men, we tend to assume that our mate is just like us and will be aroused the same way that we are.\u00a0 But we have got to learn to see sex the way she does, and if she is seeing sex as just one part of the overall relationship, then relational things might be more stimulating to her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat means not just dropping your shorts, but time together.\u00a0 Non-sexual touch, writing a little post-it, doing a little foot rub, just a good conversation or a little tenderness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 So women, what can we learn?\u00a0 Well, if he\u2019s stimulated visually, then we need to give him a chance to look at us.\u00a0 There must be something that he wants to see, even if we don\u2019t quite get it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, the thing that\u2019s hard for us \u2013 I know that for us, I am always in a hurry, it seems.\u00a0 I know a lot of you women are too.\u00a0 So I\u2019m in a hurry to get dressed; I\u2019m in a hurry to get undressed and get into bed.\u00a0 So I need to really be more conscious, and we as women probably need to be more conscious of let\u2019s not always be in such a hurry.\u00a0 Let\u2019s give our husbands a chance to see us in the way that he wants to see us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 There you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 So men, I\u2019ll let you in on a little secret.\u00a0 Your wife has maybe told you this already, but this is very true.\u00a0 For women \u2013 and women, you can tell me if you agree with this \u2013 but we are constantly bombarded by images of other women who have been airbrushed or enhanced in some way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can walk out the grocery line, you can see it on TV, everywhere you go.\u00a0 You\u2019re walking down the street and you\u2019re seeing more of women than you care to see.\u00a0 We are constantly comparing ourselves with those images everywhere.\u00a0 And so when we come back to the bedroom and we start to undress, and we look in the mirror, we go, \u201cWell, not quite what I\u2019m seeing on the magazine covers going out the grocery line,\u201d and so we tend to project that that\u2019s the way our husband thinks about us as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 We may tend to cover up more, and then our husband really wants to see us actually.\u00a0 So the way you men can help us is just to show your approval, to say, \u201cHoney, I love this about you,\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t care if you\u2019re not like this,\u201d because especially as we age there is no way that we can compare ourselves to those images that we see everywhere.\u00a0 So we need our men to reaffirm that in us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And men, a point we should take home too is never criticize your wife\u2019s body.\u00a0 That\u2019s an important thing.\u00a0 She\u2019s got a hard enough time with self image without us saying anything negative.\u00a0 As one of my friends likes to say, he says, \u201cNever criticize any part of your wife\u2019s body that you\u2019d like to see again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Alright, we\u2019ve talked about our different attitudes, we\u2019ve talked about the different ways we\u2019re aroused.\u00a0 Our third difference: our different abilities to focus.\u00a0 You know, our narrow focus can make us difficult to distract.\u00a0 Did you know that women on average have wider peripheral vision than men?\u00a0 That\u2019s just a scientific fact.\u00a0 Women literally see more than men do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut did you know that men on average have greater depth of field?\u00a0 That means we may not see as much, but when we see something we like we lock onto it like a heat-seeking missile, and it\u2019s hard to tear us away.\u00a0 And when it comes to the subject of sex, we can be difficult to distract.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 But a woman\u2019s wider focus -- that allows us to be easily distracted, doesn\u2019t it?\u00a0 I remember one night early on in our marriage.\u00a0 I had been taking that fifteen minutes extra to get ready for bed in the bathroom, and so when I came out I found that Tim had gathered every single candle that we ever had and put it in our bedroom and lit it, so that when I came out to the bedroom it looked like the Shaolin Temple.\u00a0 Everything was all lit and the little candles were flickering.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI should tell you a little about our bedroom, first of all.\u00a0 We said that we had a queen-sized bed, and at that time it was right below a big picture window.\u00a0 We had only lived in that house just a little bit of time, so we didn\u2019t have any drapes yet.\u00a0 All we had was a little opaque pull-down blind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, the women are getting this already, aren\u2019t you?\u00a0 So a little time goes by and then the thought occurs to me.\u00a0 Our bedroom is facing the street.\u00a0 I am wondering if the shadows that we\u2019re having in the bed are on the blind from all the flickering candles, and we\u2019re giving the street a presentation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you know, she made me get up and go outside \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn my shorts -- I\u2019m speaking now \u2013 and stand in front of that window while she went (gesturing) --\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 I really did not make him, but he just knew if he wasn\u2019t going to go out there was nothing else happening that night.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s making me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to ruin the mood, either, but the distraction would not go away until I knew we were not giving a shadowbox presentation to the neighborhood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t care if the wall fell down.\u00a0 But that\u2019s because, men, we are more difficult to distract.\u00a0 Now, what are the lessons we should learn in this difference?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMen, first of all, for us \u2013 we expect our wives to have the same single-minded focus that we do, and they don\u2019t, do they?\u00a0 And when they don\u2019t have the same single-minded focus that we have, we tend to take it as rejection or lack of desire.\u00a0 And that\u2019s not fair.\u00a0 It\u2019s just that they cannot focus as easily as we can.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 So for women, what can we learn?\u00a0 If it\u2019s possible, it\u2019s really helpful if we can allow a little decompression time.\u00a0 If we know that our husbands want to have time, if we can say to them, \u201cHoney, can you just give me five minutes, or ten minutes, so that I can leave this big box of life outside our bedroom door, and I can just try to take a breath, and I can try to just focus on you before I start to have this time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome practical things we can do is just know where those distractions are.\u00a0 Where are the kids?\u00a0 Is our door locked?\u00a0 You know, Tim has just made a habit.\u00a0 He knows that I\u2019m going to ask, \u201cIs the door locked?\u201d so he automatically locks the door.\u00a0 And to this day, even the kids are in three different states, but he locks the door.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, man, \u2018cause she can hear them in different states.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 I can.\u00a0 Oh, you never know when they\u2019re coming home, right ladies?\u00a0 You never know.\u00a0 So you can also turn off the ringer on the phone.\u00a0 And if something is on your mind that is bothering you or you know that you just need to clear the air with your husband first, then ask if you can talk to him just a little bit to do that, so you can be all present.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, and men, we can help too.\u00a0 Find out where the kids are.\u00a0 Find out if you have kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughing)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or get away with your wife.\u00a0 Choose an environment where there are fewer distractions.\u00a0 You want a good time with your wife?\u00a0 Pick an environment that lends itself to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlright.\u00a0 So our first three differences:\u00a0 different attitudes, different ways we\u2019re aroused, different abilities to focus.\u00a0 Our fourth and final difference is the different ways that we\u2019re fulfilled.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEverybody wants sexual satisfaction in marriage, but if you want to be sexually satisfied in marriage, you\u2019re going to have to give up your self-centeredness.\u00a0 Because if your focus is on <em>you<\/em> and what <em>you<\/em> want and what <em>you<\/em> like, and how <em>you<\/em> work, you\u2019ll have nothing but frustration when it comes to sex.\u00a0 That\u2019s why marriage is a decision to serve one another whether in bed or out.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what are the lessons that we can learn here?\u00a0 Well, we\u2019ve got to resist our own selfishness.\u00a0 There\u2019s an old stereotype and that is that women want love and men want sex.\u00a0 But do you know what the truth is?\u00a0 Way deep down, when it comes to sex I think men and women want exactly the same thing.\u00a0 You know what it is?\u00a0 We both want to be desired.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is very confusing for us as women, isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 Because we have all these images from our culture saying that, no, men just think of sex as sex, and they can pretty much have sex with anyone at any time and be pretty satisfied.\u00a0 But not with a good man, and not with a man as God intended him to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Tim is telling us that men want to be desired just like women do.\u00a0 And even as women growing up, we\u2019re taught to fear men or to be cautious of men because, really, sex is all they want, so be careful.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe need to remember and change our thinking to what is a man really like, and how does he really think about this area.\u00a0 Well, Shaunti Feldhahn has written a wonderful book, and I\u2019d like to just read a quote from her book that really describes how men think.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt says, \u201cIn a very deep way your man often feels isolated and burdened by secret feelings of inadequacy.\u00a0 Making love with you assures him that you find him desirable.\u00a0 It salves a deep sense of loneliness and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAnd of course, sex also makes him feel loved.\u00a0 In fact, he can\u2019t feel completely loved without it.\u00a0 At the most basic level, your man wants to be wanted.\u00a0 For your husband, sex is a powerful way to feel desired and fulfilled as a man.\u00a0 And that\u2019s really why our passion is important to them.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I know a woman who was not feeling much for her husband, and she was a Christian, and she knew her biblical duty as a wife, so that\u2019s basically what she told him.\u00a0 She said, \u201cAlright, I know what my responsibility is, so I\u2019ll fulfill my duty to you.\u201d\u00a0 That really didn\u2019t go over very well with her husband . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Joy:<\/strong>\u00a0 . . . because that\u2019s not what he cared about.\u00a0 He cared about her passion, and that was very wounding to him.\u00a0 And you know, we may not say that to our husbands, we may not say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll perform the duty.\u201d\u00a0 But if we show up time after time after time with less than being enthusiastic about what he\u2019s initiating, it can feel just like that \u2013 that we\u2019re performing a duty, and our lack of passion is really wounding to him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey can meet their needs with other people \u2013 and this is something someone told me when I was very young in my married life, and it really registered with me.\u00a0 They said, \u201cYou know, Joy, your husband can meet every other need in his life with someone else.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe he has an athletic need, so he can go play a sport with a friend.\u00a0 Or his spiritual needs \u2013 he can get involved with a Bible study, a men\u2019s fellowship at church.\u00a0 Maybe his social needs can be met by a volunteer group somewhere else in a community.\u00a0 But his sexual need can only be met legitimately by you.\u00a0 You are the only one that can fulfill that need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Men, what some of your wives are thinking right now is, \u201cI would love to meet his desires.\u00a0 I would love to show him desire.\u00a0 I\u2019d love to show him more passion.\u00a0 But the problem is, he will not connect with me.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe problem for us sometimes, guys, is we can compartmentalize, so we like to take the fact that we\u2019re an angry man or that we\u2019ve got conflicts we\u2019ve never apologized for, or that we\u2019re not very good at conversation, and we want to put it in a box, put it on a shelf, get out the one marked \u201csex\u201d and just have fun.\u00a0 You might be able to pull that off, but she can\u2019t.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd what some of you are thinking right now is, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m just not an emotional kind of guy.\u201d\u00a0 But I\u2019m not asking you what you feel.\u00a0 I\u2019m asking you what you\u2019ll do, because the issue is you\u2019ve been called to serve one another in marriage, whether in bed or out.\u00a0 So that takes us back to the verse we saw at the very beginning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThe marriage bed must be a place of mutuality, the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband.\u00a0 Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights.\u00a0 Marriage is a decision to serve the other whether in bed or out.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know who came up with the term \u201cmaking love,\u201d but they knew what they were talking about, because when you do it right, when you don\u2019t just focus on your needs but you have the humility to learn their needs and to serve them, that\u2019s what happens.\u00a0 You manufacture love.\u00a0 And when you\u2019re done, you have a little bit more than when you began.\u00a0 The problem in marriage is that there\u2019s too much sex and not enough making love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThank you, Father, for this mysterious but wonderful part of marriage and thank you for the wisdom of your Scripture on how to enjoy it.\u00a0 Lord, please help us all to be humble, to be students once again, to ask our questions and to learn, learning one another\u2019s needs to learn to serve one another in bed, just as you called us to serve out.\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 We pray in Christ\u2019s name.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, again, we\u2019ve been listening to Tim and Joy Downs today with a message from the <em>Love Like You Mean It <\/em>cruise, talking about marital intimacy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, there may have been some of our listeners who thought, \u201cBoy, they\u2019re just being kind of transparent about this issue on the radio,\u201d and they may have felt a little uncomfortable with the subject, but you know, Dennis, I look at how much misinformation is being communicated publicly \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yeah.\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 -- and I\u2019m just convinced that we need some public declarations of truth when it comes to this subject.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What better use of Christian radio than to counter the messages, the false messages about sex that the culture is sending.\u00a0 The reality is, Christians ought to have more fun.\u00a0 They really ought to have more fun.\u00a0 The problem is, we get married and we find out we\u2019re different, and instead of those differences attracting us to one another as they did when we dated, they end up repelling us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think one of the things God is up to when it comes to the sexual dimension of the marriage relationship \u2013 I think he is teaching us how to truly love.\u00a0 Tim talked about making love.\u00a0 I agree with that, but I think God is instructing us and he is tutoring us in really coming to grips with how we deny ourselves and how we truly can serve another person with godly love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You and Barbara did a great job of helping couples in this area of marriage a few years ago when you wrote a book called <em>Rekindling the Romance.<\/em>\u00a0 Half of the book was for the guys and half of the book was for the ladies.\u00a0 You talked to the guys about how we can better understand and serve our wives, and Barbara talked to the ladies about understanding their husbands in this area.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to encourage our listeners, if you didn\u2019t get a copy of the book <em>Rekindling the Romance<\/em> by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, and if this is an area in your marriage where there has been maybe some tension or maybe it\u2019s been difficult, go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can request a copy of the book or you can call us at 1-800-FLTODAY to request a copy of the book as well.\u00a0 The book is called <em>Rekindling the Romance <\/em>by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd of course Dennis and Barbara are going to be with Tim and Joy Downs, who we heard from today, and with Mary Ann and me, and with Voddie Baucham and his wife and Gary Thomas and his wife, and the band Sanctus Real and Paul Overstreet, and a whole bunch of folks.\u00a0 All of us are going to be on the <em>Love Like You Mean It <\/em>cruise in 2012, Valentine\u2019s week, February 13<sup>th<\/sup> through the 17<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got 1300 people, roughly, already signed up to be with us next year for the cruise, and when our team heard that we were going to be playing Tim and Joy\u2019s message from the <em>Love Like You Mean It <\/em>cruise on <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>they said, \u201cCan you encourage <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to join us for the cruise in 2012?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cWell, I\u2019ll do that, but is there anything special we can do for our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners?\u201d\u00a0 And they said, \u201cHow about if, this week, between now and Friday, if a <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listener goes online at FamilyLifeToday.com and they click on the link for the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> cruise \u2013 they can get all the information they need there.\u00a0 If they decide to sign up and they type the word \u2018UPGRADE\u2019 in the promo box, we will upgrade them from an interior stateroom to an ocean view stateroom.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cI think that sounds like a nice deal.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s only good for this week, and the only way you can qualify is to go to FamilyLifeToday.com, you click on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> logo, and when you\u2019re ready to sign up just type the word \u201cUPGRADE\u201d in the promo code box, and we\u2019ll make sure that you\u2019re taken care of.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you need to do it before Friday, so let us hear from you, and we hope you can join us February 13<sup>th<\/sup> through the 17<sup>th<\/sup> as we head out into the Caribbean for the <em>Love Like You Mean It <\/em>cruise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow we\u2019re going to turn our attention to one of the challenges that our generation is facing.\u00a0 We\u2019re sometimes referred to as the \u201csandwich generation,\u201d where we\u2019ve got children of our own and we\u2019ve got parents who need our help.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about being caregivers for our parents as they age.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShelly Beach is going to be here to talk about how caring for her mom brought her closer in her relationship with God.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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