{"id":302279,"date":"2011-05-20T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-05-20T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/relating-to-your-adult-kids\/"},"modified":"2011-05-20T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-05-20T15:00:00","slug":"relating-to-your-adult-kids","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relating-to-your-adult-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Relating to Your Adult Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When the kids leave home you become a new kind of parent.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-05-20.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.53M","filesize_raw":"26773216","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2913],"tags":[4806],"podcast_series":[7575],"cwp_profile":[3052,3057],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302279","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-empty-nest-and-midlife","tag-retirement","podcast_series-barbara-and-susans-guide-to-the-empty-nest","cwp_profile-barbara-rainey","cwp_profile-susan-yates","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302279\/relating-to-your-adult-kids","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302279\/relating-to-your-adult-kids","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"u53f54spUr\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relating-to-your-adult-kids\/\">Relating to Your Adult Kids<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relating-to-your-adult-kids\/embed\/#?secret=u53f54spUr\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Relating to Your Adult Kids&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"u53f54spUr\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-05-20.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-05-20.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>For most teenagers, high school graduation is a milestone.\u00a0 It's the step toward the future, full of excitement and dreams.\u00a0 For moms and dads, it's a different kind of step.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> The dilemma for mothers is letting go and not trying to control it.\u00a0 Because we've invested so much in our kids' lives and we feel so tied to them and to their success, it's hard to let go and really let go and not want to rush after or be too involved.\u00a0 It's a difficult process.\u00a0 You do have to learn new skills in parenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Great song there by the Weepies.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know this is a little unusual, but I would like to start off today's program by asking both our guests, \u201cIf you wouldn't mind, do you mind sticking out your tongues, please?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt; \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe stuck\u2014okay, you both stuck out your tongues.\u00a0 The reason I'm wondering if they would stick out their tongue\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I am wondering that reason.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\u00a0 That is an unusual request.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> They're covered with chocolate, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, it has nothing to do with the chocolate; and if it was TV, I wouldn't have asked them to stick out their tongues.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know that when\u2014we've been talking, this week, about the empty nest and this season of life (particularly for women).\u00a0 We've been talking about it with two women who have written a new book on it, your wife, Barbara.\u00a0 Barbara Rainey, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Thank you, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and with Susan Yates, who is the co-author.\u00a0 You've written a number of books.\u00a0 You speak around the country.\u00a0 You and your husband, John, live in Washington, D.C.\u00a0 Back to the tongue thing\u2014when you go into the empty nest period, as we've already said this week, you don't quit being a parent; but you become a new kind of parent, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 A \"bite your tongue\" parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's exactly what I was looking for.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Very good.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wanted to see if there were teeth marks in the tongues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 The answer is yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I saw them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No doubt about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Definitely, teeth marks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 In Psalm 127, verse 3, it compares children to being a heritage from God.\u00a0 It says the fruit of the womb is a reward.\u00a0 Now, we all agree with that, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's easy.\u00a0 It's a reward, our heritage; our hearts are knit to theirs.\u00a0 Then, verse 4 follows, \"Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.\u00a0 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them.\u00a0 He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.\"\u00a0 We all know that the arrows were never designed to stay in the quiver.\u00a0 The arrows were meant to be released.\u00a0 As they're released, that creates an empty quiver\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt; \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014an echoing quiver.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you even think about\u2014Susan\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, we should have thought about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \"Barbara and Susan's Guide to the Empty Quiver.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt; \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think that's the one the men will have to write.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 There you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 As you pull the arrows out and let them go, there can be some pain in the hands of the warrior as they're aiming their arrows.\u00a0 Now, Susan, you've let five arrows go, you've aimed them, you've launched them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is pain in letting them go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is definitely pain in letting them go.\u00a0 It's a big part of your life that's over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, for you, it was six arrows?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was it pain each time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hold your hands out.\u00a0 Let's see where the scars are.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt;\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 The string has popped back and snapped me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you feel like part of your heart was getting ripped out every time you released?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 I felt it most strongly with the first one.\u00a0 Dennis and I pulled away from that university campus with our daughter in the rearview mirror; and we were both just boo-hooing.\u00a0 I mean, I just didn't think I would ever recover from that loss because she had been a part of my life for so long.\u00a0 So, yes, there's a big feeling of loss when you launch your children into their adult lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's not loss.\u00a0 I mean, they haven't died.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They're becoming adults.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right, so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They do come back home, but your relationship with them changes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, talk about that.\u00a0 Talk about the change in relationship that occurs as your children move into adulthood because it's a part of what redefines your job.\u00a0 You've said before, you feel like you get fired as a mom when you come to the empty nest.\u00a0 It's not really that you're fired.\u00a0 You're transferred to a new department of motherhood, and you better learn some new job skills in this new season of life; or it will go badly for you, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\u00a0 It's just as we were talking about the arrow metaphor.\u00a0 Once you let it go, you don't have control over it anymore.\u00a0 The dilemma for mothers is letting go and not trying to chase after that arrow and still control it.\u00a0 Because we've invested so much in our kids' lives and we feel so tied to them and to their success, it's hard to let go, really let go, and not want to rush after or be too involved.\u00a0 It's a difficult process.\u00a0 You do have to learn new skills in parenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, as you were talking, I was thinking about a group of executives that you and I were just speaking to and how many of the dinner table discussions were around these adults who are all in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, and how they were relating to their mothers and their fathers.\u00a0 You can let go of the arrow; but, as you said, you can go out there and try to retrieve it, try to control it, or try to somehow protect it from experiencing any harm.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNot to mix metaphors here, Susan, but you call a style of a parent that is overly controlling by a certain name.\u00a0 I found it to be, frankly, very descriptive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know, it's not my own description.\u00a0 The style of parent that you're talking about is what I would call a \"helicopter\" parent: a parent who hovers.\u00a0 A parent who wants to be on the phone at least once a day or several times a day with that missing child; a parent who is checking up on \u201cdid you get to class on time?\u201d or \u201cdid you get to work on time?\u201d\u00a0 A parent who expects to be consulted on every decision.\u00a0 A parent who quite honestly is having a hard time letting go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI find it helpful, Dennis and Bob, to look at it in terms of a seesaw.\u00a0 On one end of the seesaw you have a helicopter parent, perhaps, one who hovers.\u00a0 On the other end of the seesaw, maybe, the spouse who is a hands-off parent and that would be just the opposite\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Disconnected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> \u2014disconnected, out of sight, out of mind.\u00a0 We want our child to be independent.\u00a0 We don't want to meddle; so, we pull back too much.\u00a0 The fun of a seesaw is to get two people on the seesaw.\u00a0 Then, you have to move up or backwards so that you can balance in midair.\u00a0 That means the heavier person on the seesaw has to move a little bit more towards the center whereas, the lighter person has to move back on the seesaw.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's helpful in marriage; and also, as we release our adult children, to identify where are we in this seesaw?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's a good question, Susan.\u00a0 If we were to call your adult children right now\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 What would they say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What would they say about you and John?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don't know what they would say, quite honestly.\u00a0 Probably, I was more of a\u2014I don't know.\u00a0 I really don't know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, you're not sure if you're a helicopter?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don't know the answer to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If we called your kids, what would they\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, no.\u00a0 We can't do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt;\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What would your kids say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think for\u2014and I don't want to avoid the question\u2014I do think that it depends on the child.\u00a0 I think that for our daughter who was the prodigal; I think I was probably too much of a helicopter parent because I saw these issues in her life that I was trying to help her with.\u00a0 My motives were good.\u00a0 I wanted to help her.\u00a0 I wanted to coach her.\u00a0 She needed assistance; and so, I probably was too much of a helicopter parent with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think perhaps with some of my other kids, I may have been a little bit too hands off, especially my boys.\u00a0 I was really, quite honestly, afraid of being too closely involved with them because of the mother\/son thing.\u00a0 I wanted to avoid that; so, in some situations I think I was too much of a hands-off parent with them.\u00a0 So, for me, I would have to say it would depend on which child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, let me ask both of you.\u00a0 If you had to define a mother's role and responsibility during the empty nest period, does she have any responsibility before God to continue to be a mother during this period?\u00a0 If so, what she's supposed to do\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's a great question, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and not do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a great question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's a great question.\u00a0 Let me give it a stab.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think one of the things that will help us balance between being the helicopter, or hovering parent, and being the hands-off parent would be a scenario like this:\u00a0 your freshman in college calls; she is miserable.\u00a0 She has not been accepted into the right group of girls; a certain boy broke up with her; she doesn't know how to make a decision about a class; she's in a tough place, for whatever reason.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat she needs to hear the mom or dad say is \"Honey, I have confidence in you.\u00a0 You will make a great decision.\u00a0 I know this is really hard right now, but you're going to make a great decision.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat our kids need is to know that we have confidence in them even when they don't.\u00a0 They don't necessarily need us to fix it, to bail them out, or to go and intervene on their behalf.\u00a0 What happens when we go and intervene on their behalf or we say, \"Okay, I'm so sorry you're so miserable, come home.\u00a0 You don't have to stay at that school.\"\u00a0 What we're really saying to them is \"You can't handle it.\u00a0 You need me.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, even though our intentions are right in that we want to be a good parent, we're undermining the very thing that we want to give them.\u00a0 We want to give them confidence.\u00a0 So, it is really best to do all that we can to have this balance of being interested, validating the feelings; but then, quickly saying, \u201cYou will make a great decision.\u00a0 You can stick this out,\u201d because that builds their confidence when they may themselves be lacking in it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, what if they're not calling?\u00a0 What if the kids aren't calling and asking, \"Mom, what do I do in this situation?\"\u00a0 Do you just presume that if they're not calling, I wait for them to call; and I don't really have any responsibility, as a mom, unless they call asking for something?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think it depends on the kind of setup you have in college.\u00a0 Most college students are there because Mom and Dad are helping in some form or fashion.\u00a0 They may not be footing the entire bill, they may just be paying for part of it, or they may just be helping you with your car; but there is some involvement, usually, by parents in their lives.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think if the parents have an involvement, if they are supporting the child, then you have some accountability.\u00a0 I would be calling and saying, \"What's happening?\u00a0 How are you doing?\u00a0 How are classes?\"\u00a0 I want to be involved at that level, but I wouldn't rush up there unless I knew that there was a real urgent situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u00a0In college I think you have a certain responsibility because, as you said, Barbara, you're still supplying some of the financial support.\u00a0 It's a transition to adulthood at that point.\u00a0 After they get married, I think you've got to get off the teeter-totter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, even after they graduate from college and they have their own career or whatever, I think, again, that's another release point even if they're not married.\u00a0 If they're a single adult; they're living in an apartment, paying rent; they've got a job and their own income, that's another release.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 The most awkward time is in the first launching of the empty nest, when they first leave\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014because that's when you're a little more involved than you are later.\u00a0 I think everything changes when your children get married.\u00a0 When your children get married, the priority relationship is no longer your relationship with them; but the priority relationship becomes their relationship with their spouse.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, your daughter calls you.\u00a0 She's married, and she says, \"Dad, what kind of car do you think we should buy?\"\u00a0 Your response should be \"What does your spouse think,\" so, that we are giving advice.\u00a0 Our first role is to turn them to each other not to make them dependent upon us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and I keep coming back to this: do you let them define what your mother role will be in their adult years, or do you define what that's going to be?\u00a0 They're married, they've got two kids, they're getting along with their husband.\u00a0 Do you define \u201chere is what I am going to be as a mother?\u00a0 Or do you let them decide what that's going to look like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think you let them decide what that's going to look like, for the most part.\u00a0 I think, as a mother, I have offered for all of my girls that I will come when they have their babies.\u00a0 I will stay for a week and do whatever.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have any questions you want to ask me, any time, about parenting or whatever, you call me.\u00a0 I'm available, but I am not going to insert myself into my kids' lives, especially when they're married.\u00a0 Even our daughter who has just graduated from college and is living alone, I don't insert myself into her life, either.\u00a0 I pretty much wait for her to call me.\u00a0 If I haven't heard from her in a week, I will call her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You do send an e-mail from time to time to the girls and mentor them a little bit, don't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I'm not doing that currently.\u00a0 I did do that for a while; but it was because one of my daughters-in-law to be asked me.\u00a0 She said, \"I would love for you to give me some coaching on being a wife.\u00a0 Because she opened the door, I walked right through it.\u00a0 I would not have offered advice on how to be a wife to this new daughter-in-law if she had not asked me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Susan, if a daughter or a son who has left home basically says, \"You know, hey, thanks for everything.\u00a0 We're fine.\u00a0 We'll see you at Christmas every other year or Thanksgiving on the off years,\" but there's just not a lot of contact.\u00a0 Do you say, \"Well, okay, that's sad, but that's how it is?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think that's a really hard place to be.\u00a0 It's going to depend on the relationship you have with them; it's going to depend on the relationship with the spouse.\u00a0 So, I think there's not one right pat answer to that because there's too many variables in the question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that I think is really helpful, if you're talking about a married child, is to ask your child, \"How can I love your spouse well?\"\u00a0 We each have different love languages, and I may inadvertently be doing something that really ticks off my son-in-law or my daughter-in-law; and I don't even know it.\u00a0 There may be a way that I could bless them and communicate love to them, and I am unaware of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what I've learned to do is to go to my son and say, \"Tell me how I can love your wife well in a way that communicates love to her.\u00a0 Don't make me guess, because I can't guess.\u00a0 I'm going to make a lot of mistakes.\u201d\u00a0 So, I think we simply need to be honest and vulnerable with our children.\u00a0 They know we want to love their spouses, and we want to love them.\u00a0 Sometimes, we just have to let them grow up.\u00a0 We have to be willing to step back, just pray, and just continue to love them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I think we have to be patient.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>\u00a0One of the things I've realized, now that we've had married children for close to 10 years now, is that I've had a lifelong relationship with my child; but I've only known this married child for a year, or two years, and we only see them on rare occasions.\u00a0 To expect to have a relationship with this child who married my son or daughter instantly is unrealistic; so, it's going to take a lifetime or even 10 or 20 years for us to get to know that child who married into our family and to not expect it to be something that's instantaneous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it's so important, what Barbara just said\u2014is that we do have to be patient.\u00a0 We have this, again, Hollywood\u2014sometimes, it's a Christian vision of this perfect family that, all of a sudden, always just completely loves each other.\u00a0 You have to get to know one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, I think you've hit on something really important, and that is patience.\u00a0 We just have to be patient.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Give them space to become who they are going to become as a couple.\u00a0 That may be different than what we envisioned as parents for our married kids.\u00a0 They may take a little bit different route.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother thing that you and I have talked about, Susan, is how much our responsibility has switched from involvement to praying for them.\u00a0 That's one thing that we can continue to do and need to do more of as they become adults and start their own families and their own careers.\u00a0 We can be the kind of parent that is so for them because we're praying for them.\u00a0 Let them know that we're praying for them, that they're facing difficult things, and we're behind them all the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, if you've been transferred to a new area of the company (again, it's not the same role you had; but it's a different kind of mothering), which one did you like better?\u00a0 What you're doing now or what you used to be doing?\u00a0 Do you wish you could go back and mother again?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No, I like it now much better.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I like having these adult children.\u00a0 I like having these grandchildren.\u00a0 I think this is fun, but I've liked every season, except the baby season, because all I can remember was a state of chronic exhaustion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt; \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What about you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think I would have to agree with Susan, too.\u00a0 The only times that I have really missed (I mean had this intense sadness, and it's only momentary)\u2014but the only times I've really missed those little children years is when I see a photograph of a particular child.\u00a0 I see that face, and I go, \"Oh, I miss that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201c\u2014little girl that used to just run up and hug me all the time and just thought I was the greatest thing in the world or I miss that little boy who did this or did that.\u00a0 So, when I see some of these photographs or maybe a little video that we took, it makes me miss those moments that were so precious and so full of innocence and such fun times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the other hand, I'm with Susan.\u00a0 I was exhausted all the time.\u00a0 The responsibility of parenting can be so heavy at times and so discouraging.\u00a0 It is fun to relate to them as adults, and it is fun when they come visit.\u00a0 They go home; and Dennis and I look at each other, and we say, \"Gosh, it's nice that we don't have to carry that responsibility anymore.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 It really is a relief.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 See, I'll be at church, see the children's choir up there, and watch Mary Ann looking at the children's choir.\u00a0 I can just see in her eyes that she'd like to be dressing up a little girl again, or she'd like to be having a little boy that age around the house again.\u00a0 I tell her that's what grandchildren are for, and they'll be around one day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 It really is true.\u00a0 It really is true.\u00a0 You can get that fix, so to speak, with your grandkids.\u00a0 It is nice not to be carrying the burden, the responsibility, and the pressure of it on a day in and day out basis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think the reason why both Barbara and Susan are like the Proverbs 31 woman who looks at the future and smiles is because you both have sought God and interacted and processed with your husbands; so that, you've come through the launch of your children, and now you're in a new season of your lives where you have purpose, a noble calling, and you know why God's got you here.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, that's why I'm excited about what they've written here\u2014is we're really talking about women getting a fresh sense of mission and calling from God; then, sinking their lives into it and going for it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and investing their lives for what God has for them for the rest of their lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 In one sense, you could look at this book as Barbara and Susan's Guide to\u2014I don't want to say\u2014the purpose-driven empty nest, but that's really what you're talking about.\u00a0 It\u2019s how to be purposeful, how to be intentional in this new season of life that God's got you in; rather than spinning out emotionally, how you can process those emotions that you're feeling and embrace the assignment that God has for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've got copies of the book, <em>Barbara and Susan's Guide to the Empty Nest<\/em>, in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com, and you can order a book from us.\u00a0 Again, the website, FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-Today, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1800- F as in \u201cfamily\u201d, L as in \u201clife\u201d, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Ask about getting a copy of <em>Barbara and Susan\u2019s Guide to the Empty Nest<\/em>.\u00a0 We\u2019ll make sure we get a copy sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope that the conversation we\u2019ve had on the subject of the empty nest this week has been a helpful one.\u00a0 In fact, we hope that every week when you tune in to listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and you hear the variety of subjects that we discuss; we hope you find those helpful as you seek to be the man or the woman that God has called you to be in your marriage and in raising your kids.\u00a0 That\u2019s what <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is here for.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to see every home become a godly home.\u00a0 We want to effectively develop godly families, the kind of families who change the world one home at a time.\u00a0 We hope that\u2019s what is happening as a result of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 If that\u2019s happening in your life, in your marriage, in your family, we\u2019d love to hear from you.\u00a0 If you\u2019re able to help support the ministry to keep it happening, we would appreciate that as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this month is particularly strategic because we have matching gift opportunity that we\u2019re trying to take full advantage of.\u00a0 We just have about a week and a half left to be able to do that.\u00a0 This matching gift is a dollar for dollar matching gift.\u00a0 When you make a donation, these friends of the ministry have agreed they\u2019ll match your donation dollar for dollar up to a total of $750,000.\u00a0 We still have a ways to go.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re asking you today to do whatever it is you can do.\u00a0 If it is $20 or $30 dollars, that\u2019s great.\u00a0 If it\u2019s $200 or $300, that\u2019s great as well.\u00a0 Whatever you can do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo online at FamilyLifeToday.com, make a donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation.\u00a0 Keep in mind that donation is going to be matched dollar for dollar.\u00a0 So, we do hope that you\u2019ll be able to participate and help us out here.\u00a0 Again, you can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FL-Today.\u00a0 Let me just say thanks in advance for whatever you\u2019re able to do in support of the ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope that you have a great weekend this weekend.\u00a0 Hope you and your family are able to worship together.\u00a0 I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk about sin, but not the sins that you normally hear talked about.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about what Jerry Bridges calls the \u201crespectable sins.\u201d\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back on Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.53M"],"filesize_raw":["26773216"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302279.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302279.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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the kids leave home you become a new kind of parent.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-05-20.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>For most teenagers, high school graduation is a milestone.\u00a0 It's the step toward the future, full of excitement and dreams.\u00a0 For moms and dads, it's a different kind of step.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> The dilemma for mothers is letting go and not trying to control it.\u00a0 Because we've invested so much in our kids' lives and we feel so tied to them and to their success, it's hard to let go and really let go and not want to rush after or be too involved.\u00a0 It's a difficult process.\u00a0 You do have to learn new skills in parenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.\u00a0 Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Great song there by the Weepies.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know this is a little unusual, but I would like to start off today's program by asking both our guests, \u201cIf you wouldn't mind, do you mind sticking out your tongues, please?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt; \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe stuck\u2014okay, you both stuck out your tongues.\u00a0 The reason I'm wondering if they would stick out their tongue\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I am wondering that reason.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\u00a0 That is an unusual request.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> They're covered with chocolate, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, it has nothing to do with the chocolate; and if it was TV, I wouldn't have asked them to stick out their tongues.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know that when\u2014we've been talking, this week, about the empty nest and this season of life (particularly for women).\u00a0 We've been talking about it with two women who have written a new book on it, your wife, Barbara.\u00a0 Barbara Rainey, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Thank you, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and with Susan Yates, who is the co-author.\u00a0 You've written a number of books.\u00a0 You speak around the country.\u00a0 You and your husband, John, live in Washington, D.C.\u00a0 Back to the tongue thing\u2014when you go into the empty nest period, as we've already said this week, you don't quit being a parent; but you become a new kind of parent, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 A \"bite your tongue\" parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's exactly what I was looking for.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Very good.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wanted to see if there were teeth marks in the tongues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 The answer is yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I saw them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No doubt about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Definitely, teeth marks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 In Psalm 127, verse 3, it compares children to being a heritage from God.\u00a0 It says the fruit of the womb is a reward.\u00a0 Now, we all agree with that, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's easy.\u00a0 It's a reward, our heritage; our hearts are knit to theirs.\u00a0 Then, verse 4 follows, \"Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.\u00a0 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them.\u00a0 He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.\"\u00a0 We all know that the arrows were never designed to stay in the quiver.\u00a0 The arrows were meant to be released.\u00a0 As they're released, that creates an empty quiver\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt; \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014an echoing quiver.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you even think about\u2014Susan\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, we should have thought about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \"Barbara and Susan's Guide to the Empty Quiver.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt; \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think that's the one the men will have to write.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 There you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 As you pull the arrows out and let them go, there can be some pain in the hands of the warrior as they're aiming their arrows.\u00a0 Now, Susan, you've let five arrows go, you've aimed them, you've launched them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is pain in letting them go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 There is definitely pain in letting them go.\u00a0 It's a big part of your life that's over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, for you, it was six arrows?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Was it pain each time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hold your hands out.\u00a0 Let's see where the scars are.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt;\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 The string has popped back and snapped me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you feel like part of your heart was getting ripped out every time you released?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\u00a0 I felt it most strongly with the first one.\u00a0 Dennis and I pulled away from that university campus with our daughter in the rearview mirror; and we were both just boo-hooing.\u00a0 I mean, I just didn't think I would ever recover from that loss because she had been a part of my life for so long.\u00a0 So, yes, there's a big feeling of loss when you launch your children into their adult lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It's not loss.\u00a0 I mean, they haven't died.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 They're becoming adults.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right, so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They do come back home, but your relationship with them changes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, talk about that.\u00a0 Talk about the change in relationship that occurs as your children move into adulthood because it's a part of what redefines your job.\u00a0 You've said before, you feel like you get fired as a mom when you come to the empty nest.\u00a0 It's not really that you're fired.\u00a0 You're transferred to a new department of motherhood, and you better learn some new job skills in this new season of life; or it will go badly for you, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\u00a0 It's just as we were talking about the arrow metaphor.\u00a0 Once you let it go, you don't have control over it anymore.\u00a0 The dilemma for mothers is letting go and not trying to chase after that arrow and still control it.\u00a0 Because we've invested so much in our kids' lives and we feel so tied to them and to their success, it's hard to let go, really let go, and not want to rush after or be too involved.\u00a0 It's a difficult process.\u00a0 You do have to learn new skills in parenting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, as you were talking, I was thinking about a group of executives that you and I were just speaking to and how many of the dinner table discussions were around these adults who are all in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, and how they were relating to their mothers and their fathers.\u00a0 You can let go of the arrow; but, as you said, you can go out there and try to retrieve it, try to control it, or try to somehow protect it from experiencing any harm.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNot to mix metaphors here, Susan, but you call a style of a parent that is overly controlling by a certain name.\u00a0 I found it to be, frankly, very descriptive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know, it's not my own description.\u00a0 The style of parent that you're talking about is what I would call a \"helicopter\" parent: a parent who hovers.\u00a0 A parent who wants to be on the phone at least once a day or several times a day with that missing child; a parent who is checking up on \u201cdid you get to class on time?\u201d or \u201cdid you get to work on time?\u201d\u00a0 A parent who expects to be consulted on every decision.\u00a0 A parent who quite honestly is having a hard time letting go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI find it helpful, Dennis and Bob, to look at it in terms of a seesaw.\u00a0 On one end of the seesaw you have a helicopter parent, perhaps, one who hovers.\u00a0 On the other end of the seesaw, maybe, the spouse who is a hands-off parent and that would be just the opposite\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Disconnected.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong> \u2014disconnected, out of sight, out of mind.\u00a0 We want our child to be independent.\u00a0 We don't want to meddle; so, we pull back too much.\u00a0 The fun of a seesaw is to get two people on the seesaw.\u00a0 Then, you have to move up or backwards so that you can balance in midair.\u00a0 That means the heavier person on the seesaw has to move a little bit more towards the center whereas, the lighter person has to move back on the seesaw.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's helpful in marriage; and also, as we release our adult children, to identify where are we in this seesaw?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's a good question, Susan.\u00a0 If we were to call your adult children right now\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 What would they say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What would they say about you and John?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don't know what they would say, quite honestly.\u00a0 Probably, I was more of a\u2014I don't know.\u00a0 I really don't know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, you're not sure if you're a helicopter?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don't know the answer to that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If we called your kids, what would they\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, no.\u00a0 We can't do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt;\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What would your kids say?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think for\u2014and I don't want to avoid the question\u2014I do think that it depends on the child.\u00a0 I think that for our daughter who was the prodigal; I think I was probably too much of a helicopter parent because I saw these issues in her life that I was trying to help her with.\u00a0 My motives were good.\u00a0 I wanted to help her.\u00a0 I wanted to coach her.\u00a0 She needed assistance; and so, I probably was too much of a helicopter parent with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think perhaps with some of my other kids, I may have been a little bit too hands off, especially my boys.\u00a0 I was really, quite honestly, afraid of being too closely involved with them because of the mother\/son thing.\u00a0 I wanted to avoid that; so, in some situations I think I was too much of a hands-off parent with them.\u00a0 So, for me, I would have to say it would depend on which child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, let me ask both of you.\u00a0 If you had to define a mother's role and responsibility during the empty nest period, does she have any responsibility before God to continue to be a mother during this period?\u00a0 If so, what she's supposed to do\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's a great question, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and not do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s a great question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's a great question.\u00a0 Let me give it a stab.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think one of the things that will help us balance between being the helicopter, or hovering parent, and being the hands-off parent would be a scenario like this:\u00a0 your freshman in college calls; she is miserable.\u00a0 She has not been accepted into the right group of girls; a certain boy broke up with her; she doesn't know how to make a decision about a class; she's in a tough place, for whatever reason.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat she needs to hear the mom or dad say is \"Honey, I have confidence in you.\u00a0 You will make a great decision.\u00a0 I know this is really hard right now, but you're going to make a great decision.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat our kids need is to know that we have confidence in them even when they don't.\u00a0 They don't necessarily need us to fix it, to bail them out, or to go and intervene on their behalf.\u00a0 What happens when we go and intervene on their behalf or we say, \"Okay, I'm so sorry you're so miserable, come home.\u00a0 You don't have to stay at that school.\"\u00a0 What we're really saying to them is \"You can't handle it.\u00a0 You need me.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, even though our intentions are right in that we want to be a good parent, we're undermining the very thing that we want to give them.\u00a0 We want to give them confidence.\u00a0 So, it is really best to do all that we can to have this balance of being interested, validating the feelings; but then, quickly saying, \u201cYou will make a great decision.\u00a0 You can stick this out,\u201d because that builds their confidence when they may themselves be lacking in it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Barbara, what if they're not calling?\u00a0 What if the kids aren't calling and asking, \"Mom, what do I do in this situation?\"\u00a0 Do you just presume that if they're not calling, I wait for them to call; and I don't really have any responsibility, as a mom, unless they call asking for something?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think it depends on the kind of setup you have in college.\u00a0 Most college students are there because Mom and Dad are helping in some form or fashion.\u00a0 They may not be footing the entire bill, they may just be paying for part of it, or they may just be helping you with your car; but there is some involvement, usually, by parents in their lives.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think if the parents have an involvement, if they are supporting the child, then you have some accountability.\u00a0 I would be calling and saying, \"What's happening?\u00a0 How are you doing?\u00a0 How are classes?\"\u00a0 I want to be involved at that level, but I wouldn't rush up there unless I knew that there was a real urgent situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u00a0In college I think you have a certain responsibility because, as you said, Barbara, you're still supplying some of the financial support.\u00a0 It's a transition to adulthood at that point.\u00a0 After they get married, I think you've got to get off the teeter-totter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, even after they graduate from college and they have their own career or whatever, I think, again, that's another release point even if they're not married.\u00a0 If they're a single adult; they're living in an apartment, paying rent; they've got a job and their own income, that's another release.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 The most awkward time is in the first launching of the empty nest, when they first leave\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014because that's when you're a little more involved than you are later.\u00a0 I think everything changes when your children get married.\u00a0 When your children get married, the priority relationship is no longer your relationship with them; but the priority relationship becomes their relationship with their spouse.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, your daughter calls you.\u00a0 She's married, and she says, \"Dad, what kind of car do you think we should buy?\"\u00a0 Your response should be \"What does your spouse think,\" so, that we are giving advice.\u00a0 Our first role is to turn them to each other not to make them dependent upon us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and I keep coming back to this: do you let them define what your mother role will be in their adult years, or do you define what that's going to be?\u00a0 They're married, they've got two kids, they're getting along with their husband.\u00a0 Do you define \u201chere is what I am going to be as a mother?\u00a0 Or do you let them decide what that's going to look like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think you let them decide what that's going to look like, for the most part.\u00a0 I think, as a mother, I have offered for all of my girls that I will come when they have their babies.\u00a0 I will stay for a week and do whatever.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have any questions you want to ask me, any time, about parenting or whatever, you call me.\u00a0 I'm available, but I am not going to insert myself into my kids' lives, especially when they're married.\u00a0 Even our daughter who has just graduated from college and is living alone, I don't insert myself into her life, either.\u00a0 I pretty much wait for her to call me.\u00a0 If I haven't heard from her in a week, I will call her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You do send an e-mail from time to time to the girls and mentor them a little bit, don't you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I'm not doing that currently.\u00a0 I did do that for a while; but it was because one of my daughters-in-law to be asked me.\u00a0 She said, \"I would love for you to give me some coaching on being a wife.\u00a0 Because she opened the door, I walked right through it.\u00a0 I would not have offered advice on how to be a wife to this new daughter-in-law if she had not asked me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Susan, if a daughter or a son who has left home basically says, \"You know, hey, thanks for everything.\u00a0 We're fine.\u00a0 We'll see you at Christmas every other year or Thanksgiving on the off years,\" but there's just not a lot of contact.\u00a0 Do you say, \"Well, okay, that's sad, but that's how it is?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think that's a really hard place to be.\u00a0 It's going to depend on the relationship you have with them; it's going to depend on the relationship with the spouse.\u00a0 So, I think there's not one right pat answer to that because there's too many variables in the question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that I think is really helpful, if you're talking about a married child, is to ask your child, \"How can I love your spouse well?\"\u00a0 We each have different love languages, and I may inadvertently be doing something that really ticks off my son-in-law or my daughter-in-law; and I don't even know it.\u00a0 There may be a way that I could bless them and communicate love to them, and I am unaware of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what I've learned to do is to go to my son and say, \"Tell me how I can love your wife well in a way that communicates love to her.\u00a0 Don't make me guess, because I can't guess.\u00a0 I'm going to make a lot of mistakes.\u201d\u00a0 So, I think we simply need to be honest and vulnerable with our children.\u00a0 They know we want to love their spouses, and we want to love them.\u00a0 Sometimes, we just have to let them grow up.\u00a0 We have to be willing to step back, just pray, and just continue to love them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I think we have to be patient.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>\u00a0One of the things I've realized, now that we've had married children for close to 10 years now, is that I've had a lifelong relationship with my child; but I've only known this married child for a year, or two years, and we only see them on rare occasions.\u00a0 To expect to have a relationship with this child who married my son or daughter instantly is unrealistic; so, it's going to take a lifetime or even 10 or 20 years for us to get to know that child who married into our family and to not expect it to be something that's instantaneous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it's so important, what Barbara just said\u2014is that we do have to be patient.\u00a0 We have this, again, Hollywood\u2014sometimes, it's a Christian vision of this perfect family that, all of a sudden, always just completely loves each other.\u00a0 You have to get to know one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, I think you've hit on something really important, and that is patience.\u00a0 We just have to be patient.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Give them space to become who they are going to become as a couple.\u00a0 That may be different than what we envisioned as parents for our married kids.\u00a0 They may take a little bit different route.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother thing that you and I have talked about, Susan, is how much our responsibility has switched from involvement to praying for them.\u00a0 That's one thing that we can continue to do and need to do more of as they become adults and start their own families and their own careers.\u00a0 We can be the kind of parent that is so for them because we're praying for them.\u00a0 Let them know that we're praying for them, that they're facing difficult things, and we're behind them all the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, if you've been transferred to a new area of the company (again, it's not the same role you had; but it's a different kind of mothering), which one did you like better?\u00a0 What you're doing now or what you used to be doing?\u00a0 Do you wish you could go back and mother again?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No, I like it now much better.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 I like having these adult children.\u00a0 I like having these grandchildren.\u00a0 I think this is fun, but I've liked every season, except the baby season, because all I can remember was a state of chronic exhaustion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t&lt;laughter&gt; \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What about you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I think I would have to agree with Susan, too.\u00a0 The only times that I have really missed (I mean had this intense sadness, and it's only momentary)\u2014but the only times I've really missed those little children years is when I see a photograph of a particular child.\u00a0 I see that face, and I go, \"Oh, I miss that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201c\u2014little girl that used to just run up and hug me all the time and just thought I was the greatest thing in the world or I miss that little boy who did this or did that.\u00a0 So, when I see some of these photographs or maybe a little video that we took, it makes me miss those moments that were so precious and so full of innocence and such fun times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the other hand, I'm with Susan.\u00a0 I was exhausted all the time.\u00a0 The responsibility of parenting can be so heavy at times and so discouraging.\u00a0 It is fun to relate to them as adults, and it is fun when they come visit.\u00a0 They go home; and Dennis and I look at each other, and we say, \"Gosh, it's nice that we don't have to carry that responsibility anymore.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Susan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 It really is a relief.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 See, I'll be at church, see the children's choir up there, and watch Mary Ann looking at the children's choir.\u00a0 I can just see in her eyes that she'd like to be dressing up a little girl again, or she'd like to be having a little boy that age around the house again.\u00a0 I tell her that's what grandchildren are for, and they'll be around one day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong>\u00a0 It really is true.\u00a0 It really is true.\u00a0 You can get that fix, so to speak, with your grandkids.\u00a0 It is nice not to be carrying the burden, the responsibility, and the pressure of it on a day in and day out basis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think the reason why both Barbara and Susan are like the Proverbs 31 woman who looks at the future and smiles is because you both have sought God and interacted and processed with your husbands; so that, you've come through the launch of your children, and now you're in a new season of your lives where you have purpose, a noble calling, and you know why God's got you here.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, that's why I'm excited about what they've written here\u2014is we're really talking about women getting a fresh sense of mission and calling from God; then, sinking their lives into it and going for it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014and investing their lives for what God has for them for the rest of their lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 In one sense, you could look at this book as Barbara and Susan's Guide to\u2014I don't want to say\u2014the purpose-driven empty nest, but that's really what you're talking about.\u00a0 It\u2019s how to be purposeful, how to be intentional in this new season of life that God's got you in; rather than spinning out emotionally, how you can process those emotions that you're feeling and embrace the assignment that God has for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've got copies of the book, <em>Barbara and Susan's Guide to the Empty Nest<\/em>, in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com, and you can order a book from us.\u00a0 Again, the website, FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-Today, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1800- F as in \u201cfamily\u201d, L as in \u201clife\u201d, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Ask about getting a copy of <em>Barbara and Susan\u2019s Guide to the Empty Nest<\/em>.\u00a0 We\u2019ll make sure we get a copy sent out to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope that the conversation we\u2019ve had on the subject of the empty nest this week has been a helpful one.\u00a0 In fact, we hope that every week when you tune in to listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and you hear the variety of subjects that we discuss; we hope you find those helpful as you seek to be the man or the woman that God has called you to be in your marriage and in raising your kids.\u00a0 That\u2019s what <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is here for.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to see every home become a godly home.\u00a0 We want to effectively develop godly families, the kind of families who change the world one home at a time.\u00a0 We hope that\u2019s what is happening as a result of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 If that\u2019s happening in your life, in your marriage, in your family, we\u2019d love to hear from you.\u00a0 If you\u2019re able to help support the ministry to keep it happening, we would appreciate that as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this month is particularly strategic because we have matching gift opportunity that we\u2019re trying to take full advantage of.\u00a0 We just have about a week and a half left to be able to do that.\u00a0 This matching gift is a dollar for dollar matching gift.\u00a0 When you make a donation, these friends of the ministry have agreed they\u2019ll match your donation dollar for dollar up to a total of $750,000.\u00a0 We still have a ways to go.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re asking you today to do whatever it is you can do.\u00a0 If it is $20 or $30 dollars, that\u2019s great.\u00a0 If it\u2019s $200 or $300, that\u2019s great as well.\u00a0 Whatever you can do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo online at FamilyLifeToday.com, make a donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation.\u00a0 Keep in mind that donation is going to be matched dollar for dollar.\u00a0 So, we do hope that you\u2019ll be able to participate and help us out here.\u00a0 Again, you can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FL-Today.\u00a0 Let me just say thanks in advance for whatever you\u2019re able to do in support of the ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope that you have a great weekend this weekend.\u00a0 Hope you and your family are able to worship together.\u00a0 I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk about sin, but not the sins that you normally hear talked about.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about what Jerry Bridges calls the \u201crespectable sins.\u201d\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back on Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302279","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302279"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302279"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302279"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302279"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302279"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302279"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302279"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}