{"id":302273,"date":"2011-05-12T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-05-12T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/releasing-your-daughter-to-gods-care\/"},"modified":"2011-05-12T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-05-12T15:00:00","slug":"releasing-your-daughter-to-gods-care","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/releasing-your-daughter-to-gods-care\/","title":{"rendered":"Releasing Your Daughter to God\u2019s Care"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you and your daughter find yourself at odds more times than not? You\u2019re not alone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-05-12.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.77M","filesize_raw":"23876734","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2836],"tags":[2918,4798],"podcast_series":[7804],"cwp_profile":[9233],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302273","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-raising-girls","tag-conflict","tag-kids","podcast_series-the-mother-daughter-duet","cwp_profile-cheri-fuller-and-ali-plum","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302273\/releasing-your-daughter-to-gods-care","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302273\/releasing-your-daughter-to-gods-care","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"8W2pp7yGl4\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/releasing-your-daughter-to-gods-care\/\">Releasing Your Daughter to God\u2019s Care<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/releasing-your-daughter-to-gods-care\/embed\/#?secret=8W2pp7yGl4\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Releasing Your Daughter to God\u2019s Care&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"8W2pp7yGl4\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-05-12.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-05-12.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>When our children become young adults and start making choices on their own, sometimes foolish choices, as moms and dads we can want to step in and try to control what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 That almost never works.\u00a0 That was the experience of Ali Plum and her mom, Cheri Fuller.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 We can\u2019t control each other\u2019s journeys.\u00a0 We can\u2019t control each other\u2019s process of faith or coming to God or back to God.\u00a0 We can\u2019t control and manipulate each other\u2019s personalities. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s harder for a mom to let go when she\u2019s concerned about her daughter.\u00a0 That\u2019s the reality.\u00a0 I was letting go physically, but emotionally it was harder to let go. And a lot of moms are there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, May 12<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens when there is a growing dissonance in the mother-daughter duet?\u00a0 We are going to find out today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I know I\u2019ve asked you this before, but honestly I don\u2019t remember what you said.\u00a0 So I\u2019m going to have to ask you again, okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 At some point in the past we\u2019ve had this conversation about parent-child relationships and which are the easiest and which are the most challenging.\u00a0 So, like father-son, father-daughter?\u00a0 Which of those is easier?\u00a0 You were a father to four daughters and two boys.\u00a0 Which was easier for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, my sons and I could head to the deer woods and so that was pretty natural.\u00a0 For me to go shopping with my daughters\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was pretty unnatural?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It took me swimming upstream a bit!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 And what about mother-son, mother-daughter?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think, until a boy becomes a teenager, I think they\u2019re pretty much the same for a mom.\u00a0 But at the point where a young man has to break away from a mom, and become his own person, I think it becomes a whole lot easier for a mother-daughter relationship to connect than it does for a mother-son as they move to adulthood.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we have a great illustration here.\u00a0 In fact, as I was leaving home to come to work today I turned to Barbara and I said, \u201cI\u2019ve got a great book for you to read on mother-daughter relationships.\u201d\u00a0 The name of the book is <em>Mother-Daughter Duet<\/em> and it\u2019s by Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum.\u00a0 Ali and Cheri join us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you, Dennis.\u00a0 We\u2019re delighted to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re glad you guys are here. Cheri\u2026\u00a0 Well Bob, we\u2019ve had her on the broadcast but we\u2019ve slept since then.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hibernated since then!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 1993.\u00a0 She was among our first guests on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 She is a speaker at women\u2019s conferences, an author that has sold more than a million books.\u00a0 She\u2019s been married for 42 years, a mom to three, including,Ali.\u00a0 And she is the proud grandmother of six grandchildren!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 Six grandkids!\u00a0 I was just showing you their pictures.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, you were.\u00a0 The love of her life, she said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 They are darling!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And Ali, of course, is Cheri\u2019s daughter.\u00a0 She is a writer, a songwriter, a wife, and a mom to Noah and Luke.\u00a0 Together they have formed a duet, a mother-daughter duet.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to ask you, Ali, because this is a very honest book, about a mother-daughter relationship.\u00a0 I mean, this is no Pollyanna story right here.\u00a0 When did it occur to you that you guys maybe had some issues that you were going to have to deal with?\u00a0 Was it when you were 13 or was it later on as you were an adult, out of the house?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it was actually right about 13 when I started, I guess, growing up.\u00a0\u00a0 I thought I was supposed to be growing up.\u00a0 Inside I still felt like a little girl and I actually really wanted to stay that way, probably, a lot longer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But you clashed with your mom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I did and I kind of intentionally, at first, had to start clashing.\u00a0 I felt like something in me just was just like, no more \u201cmiss nice daughter\u201d stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you were doing it in a calculated deliberate way?\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t just an emotional outburst?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it was a little bit of both.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was kind of like I wanted to send out a message loud and clear that I wasn\u2019t the daughter of 12 and before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you remember, Cheri, when the switch got flipped and what had been all sweet was all of a sudden a little tense?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 We were very close when she was a little girl because she was the beloved daughter and we did lots and lots together because the boys would be playing army.\u00a0 And, yes, there began to be a bit of tension and we are truly very different.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember when Ali was a pretty new teenager she said, \u201cMom you are just like vanilla ice cream and I\u2019m like chocolate.\u00a0 We are so different!\u201d\u00a0 We began to realize that we were different.\u00a0 I think as moms, when we are doing the best we can but our daughter seemed annoyed with us, we wonder \u201cwhat did I do?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s a process and we wake up at different ages to, \u201cWow, what happened here?\u00a0 Where\u2019s my little girl?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have a theory as you go through the adolescent years, when you do have to let your daughter go, when she graduates from high school, and let her go to college, that is really a big deal.\u00a0 That is one of life\u2019s major transition points.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is.\u00a0 In fact, in <em>When Mother\u2019s Pray<\/em>, that I wrote years ago and my kids were doing that, I said letting go is the hardest work of motherhood.\u00a0 I mean, it\u2019s even harder in some ways than labor and delivery.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember thinking, and I\u2019ve had four kids head off to college and two of those go on and get married now, and actually the weddings were a piece of cake after the letting go to college.\u00a0 The letting go to college really is a change in the relationship like no other time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you remember that time in your life?\u00a0 Do you remember what you were feeling Ali?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think being the baby of the family and sort of observed everything\u2014I was the observer of the family\u2014so when both of my brothers left for college I kind of noticed what it did to my mom and I knew about the empty nest syndrome philosophy before just about anything else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were pretty astute!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Were you milking it?\u00a0 Tell the truth!\u00a0 As you were leaving, as the baby of the family, were you milking this thing of leaving to go to college!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh man.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what I was doing at the time, to be honest.\u00a0 I wish I would have known what I was doing because I wanted to leave and kind of see if I even had any wings, if I\u2019d grown any.\u00a0 I was pretty insecure in that.\u00a0 But also, I think I was afraid to bust out of that protective mother hen place that I\u2019d been in for so long.\u00a0 Especially when my brothers left, that role seemed really important to also stay and fulfill at some level.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ali, if I\u2019d sat down with you your freshman year at college and said, \u201cSo describe your relationship with your mom and your dad individually.\u00a0 What\u2019s your relationship with your mom like?\u00a0 What\u2019s your relationship with your dad like?\u201d\u00a0 And you\u2019d been honest with me.\u00a0 What would you have said?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I was unconventional as far as when I started college.\u00a0 I took two years and did some travelling and lived in another state for a couple of years.\u00a0 I would say part of the reason why I didn\u2019t want to leave home, or was hesitant for that process, was that I wanted to stay and see what was going to happen with them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Meaning what?\u00a0 Were you concerned about your parent\u2019s marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t concerned about their marriage as much as their health and emotional health.\u00a0 It was a time that my dad was drinking and jobless at the time.\u00a0 My mom was not yet ready to embrace that truth.\u00a0 So I feel like I worried about them more than anything when I graduated from high school. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, what happened, and the part of the process that I didn\u2019t take responsibility for at the time, which is living my own life, I started getting angry and resentful.\u00a0 So that over- concern, that care, when I failed to sort of do the leaving and going and sort of starting to find my way, that\u2019s where a lot of the anger inside that led to my own addiction and led to my own struggle with alcoholism, that\u2019s sort of the point that it began.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This was a tough season in the Fuller family, wasn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was very, very difficult.\u00a0 As we share in <em>Mother-Daughter Duet<\/em>, we had been a very loving Christian family and really focused on our kids and on the Lord all those years.\u00a0 When the market began to crash and his business began to crash, some genetic \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdepression and anxiety began to kick in and, instead of getting help, which is very difficult for him.\u00a0 He is very stoic.\u00a0 He began to self medicate with alcohol.\u00a0 He was ashamed of it so he hid it.\u00a0 So it was not a partying kind of addiction.\u00a0 He was hiding it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow I was pretty easy to hide it from because it was my worst nightmare.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t grow up in a home with any alcohol whatsoever.\u00a0 My parents were teetotalers because my uncle was an alcoholic.\u00a0 My father was an attorney and he would be called away from many dinners to go down and bail his brother out.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I had that back in my memory, though I hadn\u2019t lived around someone.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t really know the signs, you might say.\u00a0 I just had terror about it.\u00a0 I mean, it was my worst nightmare.\u00a0 What I had hoped that my children wouldn\u2019t ever have to experience and that they wouldn\u2019t\u2019 have any kind of addiction in their life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo like for years we didn\u2019t drink one thing. W e wanted to be good role models.\u00a0 It was very hard for me to face.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t that I didn\u2019t know it.\u00a0 I was in a kind of denial because, like many spouses of someone who has any kind of addiction, I thought I could fix it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tUnbeknownst to maybe Ali or my sons, I would give him a really good pep talk.\u00a0 I thought I was pretty motivational!\u00a0 You know!\u00a0 I thought surely he\u2019ll change if I give him all the right reasons.\u00a0 And I prayed and prayed and prayed and I trusted God.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, when I would approach him or try to be graciously confrontive he would get so angry and defensive about it.\u00a0 My alarms would go off inside but I was so afraid.\u00a0 That was what I was locked into.\u00a0 You\u2019ll find that that\u2019s not that uncommon.\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019ve met many women whose husbands had a drinking problem for twenty-five years and hid the vodka bottles.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the fact is, it broke my heart as a mother, how it was affecting our daughter.\u00a0 She was the one still at home when this began.\u00a0 I tried to get her some counseling help.\u00a0 She was kind of shutting me out.\u00a0 Close the bedroom door.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was just concerned about everyone so I became very co-defendant, which means I was more concerned about their lives and trying to help them, than I was about taking care of my own.\u00a0 I was really pulling a lot of the weight income-wise and working too hard and just trying to keep the family together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m\u2019 thinking about it.\u00a0 Here\u2019s financial pressure, a husband who\u2019s depressed because he\u2019s out of work because things are crumbling.\u00a0 Alcohol is starting to enter the picture, which you\u2019ve never wanted.\u00a0 You\u2019re about to become an empty nest mom.\u00a0 And then, unbeknownst to you, I guess, Ali, you were starting to drink?\u00a0 Was this in high school?\u00a0 Right after high school you were starting to drink?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 A part of my drinking career, so to speak, was like super typical for someone who ends up developing an alcohol problem. T he very first party I went to, and I wasn\u2019t a partier per se, I was king of delayed.\u00a0 My first drink, I had that experience of \u201cOh, yeah, this is pretty much what I need to be able to function, to be able to talk with ease and to not feel so inhibited.\u201d\u00a0 So, even though I was really young at the time, it was like this is it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I finished high school and as I got older I got a longer curfew if I stayed out of trouble.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t drink a whole lot in high school.\u00a0 But when I would drink, I would drink a lot and it would sometimes be blackout drinking sort of situations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d started hiding it from the family pretty early on, partly because that\u2019s what I saw my dad do and I didn\u2019t think of myself as a problem drinker early on.\u00a0 I just thought maybe this is something we have in common as strange as that sounds logically.\u00a0 And that it did.\u00a0 It kind of became the common factor between us and, in retrospect, I think that was a large inhibiter of my mom and I getting closer.\u00a0 I was identifying so much with my dad and trying to connect.\u00a0 If it didn\u2019t work out verbally, through conversation, then, well, I would just go party and do drinking my own way and do my own thing and then somehow felt closer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the time, I was about eighteen and I knew that my parents were under extreme financial stress.\u00a0 I think what motivated a lot of my actions towards my mom, but also choices that I made after, I didn\u2019t want to be an added burden, especially a financial burden, whereas at the beginning of my senior year I was sort of entertaining the thought of going to Wheaton or OU.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the end of the year was when I started getting really pretty angry, getting more angry in my tone towards my mom and didn\u2019t really give a reason for it.\u00a0 But that\u2019s where I feel like our issues began on a sort of acting out level.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t\u2019 end up filling out applications that I would start because I kind of sabotaged the process.\u00a0 Like,\u201d well I don\u2019t want to be a burden, so I\u2019m not going to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 But then unfortunately I was trying to help her fill out the college applications and encourage her, \u201cYou know, you\u2019re bright.\u00a0 You\u2019re talented.\u201d\u00a0 One of the problems in our family was not communicating about this because I would have paid out of my pocket for her to go to college just like we did with our boys.\u00a0 But she\u2019s very sensitive and empathetic.\u00a0 There were just all these things going on.\u00a0 It was a difficult time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It seems to be that just the story that you all have shared here.\u00a0 This is a set up.\u00a0 Here you are, Ali, observing your dad and your mom and you\u2019re expressing concern for them.\u00a0 Here you are, Cheri you are watching your daughter kind of push you out of her life and yet you don\u2019t have much of a relationship with your husband because he\u2019s having an affair with alcohol.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, was very emotionally absent, both of us, especially me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s a set up for you to cling to your daughter, your only daughter, and for it to repel you, Ali, as one who\u2019s trying to be cut loose and get free.\u00a0 Were you feeling that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I think I was feeling that.\u00a0 I knew that even my presence as the only daughter, I wanted to live up to that expectation that I would continue to bring the same joy as when I entered the world as her only daughter.\u00a0 But like my mom said, communication was just so strenuous for us to put things on the table and talk it out.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI am a creative person.\u00a0 I tend to express things more through painting, through music, and at the time especially, I didn\u2019t know how to communicate, and communicate my feelings in a real direct sort of way.\u00a0 I would of course, write cryptic poems and think I was communicating my heart or what was inside my brain and my life experience at the time.\u00a0 Or I would go in my room and I would paint these charcoal paintings because the charcoal is my favorite medium to work with.\u00a0 There was something even metaphorical in charcoal drawings, to me.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I wouldn\u2019t communicate any of that process, that a lot of what I was feeling and sensing and experiencing in the family and worrying about my dad and why doesn\u2019t he want to talk or all those things that all of a sudden seem lost when he dove into depression and alcohol.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI reacted to life, versus talked about it.\u00a0 That\u2019s where I think a very concrete difference between my mom and I is she is very verbal.\u00a0 Sometimes it comes down to this very complex part of our story and some parts were so simply that, had we just had the awareness or known to look at each other and go \u201cOh, my gosh, you are so verbal and I am so not.\u00a0 I wonder where our middle ground is?\u201d\u00a0 Or actually just appreciating those differences instead of resenting them and I think I resented her for not reading my mind more.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One paints word pictures.\u00a0 The other paints charcoal drawings.\u00a0 And you\u2019re not on the same page, literally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think the point that you make about trying to find the common ground is where a lot of families find themselves in a struggle here.\u00a0 How do we, when we\u2019re not on the same page, how do we find a middle where there is a relationship there that we can build on?\u00a0 That\u2019s what you guys have tried to share as you\u2019ve shared your own story in the book that you wrote together called <em>Mother-Daughter Duet<\/em>, which we\u2019ve got in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur listeners can find out more about the book when they go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 It\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com or call toll free, 800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 Ask about the book <em>Mother-Daughter Duet<\/em> by Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum.\u00a0 We can make arrangements to get a copy of the book sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA couple of other quick notes I want to make sure you are aware of.\u00a0 FamilyLife in recent days. has developed a FamilyLife iPhone app.\u00a0 So, if you\u2019ve not downloaded the iPhone app, it\u2019s free from the app store.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust go and type in <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and it should pop up.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t have an iPhone but you do have access to the internet from your mobile device, the <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> website has been optimized for mobile use as well.\u00a0 Just type in \u201c<em>FamilyLife Today\u201d<\/em> on your mobile phone and you\u2019ll see the mobile version of our website.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also wanted to let you know about a special opportunity that we are hoping to take full advantage of here at FamilyLife.\u00a0 We had some friends of the ministry come to us not long ago and they said, \u201cWe\u2019d like to help FamilyLife out as you head into the summer months.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey know that summer can be a challenging time for churches and ministries like ours as donations tend to drop down in the summer.\u00a0 They said why don\u2019t we see if we can, during the month of May, encourage folks to give you guys a little head start into summer?\u00a0 So the way they wanted to do that was by agreeing to match every donation we receive during the month of May on a dollar by dollar basis up to a total of $750,000. That\u2019s the largest matching gift we\u2019ve ever received outside of the month of December.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn order to take full advantage of that, we really need to get the word out to as many folks as possible and ask you to do what you can do.\u00a0 Call or go online at FamilyLife Today.com.\u00a0 Make a donation.\u00a0 If it\u2019s $10, $20, $50, $100, whatever you can do, your donation is going to be matched dollar for dollar and you\u2019ll be helping us take full advantage of that matching gift opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>So again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can make a donation online.\u00a0 Or call to make a donation, 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800, \u201cF\u2019 as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word today.\u00a0 Let me just say thanks in advance for whatever you\u2019re able to do in support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We appreciate your financial partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>We want to encourage you to be back with us again tomorrow when Ali Plum and her mom Cheri Fuller are going to be here again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to hear more of their story about perfecting the mother, daughter duet.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider f to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twww.FamilyLife.com\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["22.77M"],"filesize_raw":["23876734"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302273.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302273.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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you and your daughter find yourself at odds more times than not? You\u2019re not alone.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-05-12.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>When our children become young adults and start making choices on their own, sometimes foolish choices, as moms and dads we can want to step in and try to control what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 That almost never works.\u00a0 That was the experience of Ali Plum and her mom, Cheri Fuller.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 We can\u2019t control each other\u2019s journeys.\u00a0 We can\u2019t control each other\u2019s process of faith or coming to God or back to God.\u00a0 We can\u2019t control and manipulate each other\u2019s personalities. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s harder for a mom to let go when she\u2019s concerned about her daughter.\u00a0 That\u2019s the reality.\u00a0 I was letting go physically, but emotionally it was harder to let go. And a lot of moms are there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, May 12<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens when there is a growing dissonance in the mother-daughter duet?\u00a0 We are going to find out today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 I know I\u2019ve asked you this before, but honestly I don\u2019t remember what you said.\u00a0 So I\u2019m going to have to ask you again, okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 At some point in the past we\u2019ve had this conversation about parent-child relationships and which are the easiest and which are the most challenging.\u00a0 So, like father-son, father-daughter?\u00a0 Which of those is easier?\u00a0 You were a father to four daughters and two boys.\u00a0 Which was easier for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, my sons and I could head to the deer woods and so that was pretty natural.\u00a0 For me to go shopping with my daughters\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was pretty unnatural?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It took me swimming upstream a bit!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 And what about mother-son, mother-daughter?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think, until a boy becomes a teenager, I think they\u2019re pretty much the same for a mom.\u00a0 But at the point where a young man has to break away from a mom, and become his own person, I think it becomes a whole lot easier for a mother-daughter relationship to connect than it does for a mother-son as they move to adulthood.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we have a great illustration here.\u00a0 In fact, as I was leaving home to come to work today I turned to Barbara and I said, \u201cI\u2019ve got a great book for you to read on mother-daughter relationships.\u201d\u00a0 The name of the book is <em>Mother-Daughter Duet<\/em> and it\u2019s by Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum.\u00a0 Ali and Cheri join us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you, Dennis.\u00a0 We\u2019re delighted to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We\u2019re glad you guys are here. Cheri\u2026\u00a0 Well Bob, we\u2019ve had her on the broadcast but we\u2019ve slept since then.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hibernated since then!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 1993.\u00a0 She was among our first guests on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 She is a speaker at women\u2019s conferences, an author that has sold more than a million books.\u00a0 She\u2019s been married for 42 years, a mom to three, including,Ali.\u00a0 And she is the proud grandmother of six grandchildren!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 Six grandkids!\u00a0 I was just showing you their pictures.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, you were.\u00a0 The love of her life, she said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 They are darling!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And Ali, of course, is Cheri\u2019s daughter.\u00a0 She is a writer, a songwriter, a wife, and a mom to Noah and Luke.\u00a0 Together they have formed a duet, a mother-daughter duet.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to ask you, Ali, because this is a very honest book, about a mother-daughter relationship.\u00a0 I mean, this is no Pollyanna story right here.\u00a0 When did it occur to you that you guys maybe had some issues that you were going to have to deal with?\u00a0 Was it when you were 13 or was it later on as you were an adult, out of the house?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it was actually right about 13 when I started, I guess, growing up.\u00a0\u00a0 I thought I was supposed to be growing up.\u00a0 Inside I still felt like a little girl and I actually really wanted to stay that way, probably, a lot longer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But you clashed with your mom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I did and I kind of intentionally, at first, had to start clashing.\u00a0 I felt like something in me just was just like, no more \u201cmiss nice daughter\u201d stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you were doing it in a calculated deliberate way?\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t just an emotional outburst?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think it was a little bit of both.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was kind of like I wanted to send out a message loud and clear that I wasn\u2019t the daughter of 12 and before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you remember, Cheri, when the switch got flipped and what had been all sweet was all of a sudden a little tense?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 We were very close when she was a little girl because she was the beloved daughter and we did lots and lots together because the boys would be playing army.\u00a0 And, yes, there began to be a bit of tension and we are truly very different.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember when Ali was a pretty new teenager she said, \u201cMom you are just like vanilla ice cream and I\u2019m like chocolate.\u00a0 We are so different!\u201d\u00a0 We began to realize that we were different.\u00a0 I think as moms, when we are doing the best we can but our daughter seemed annoyed with us, we wonder \u201cwhat did I do?\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s a process and we wake up at different ages to, \u201cWow, what happened here?\u00a0 Where\u2019s my little girl?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have a theory as you go through the adolescent years, when you do have to let your daughter go, when she graduates from high school, and let her go to college, that is really a big deal.\u00a0 That is one of life\u2019s major transition points.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is.\u00a0 In fact, in <em>When Mother\u2019s Pray<\/em>, that I wrote years ago and my kids were doing that, I said letting go is the hardest work of motherhood.\u00a0 I mean, it\u2019s even harder in some ways than labor and delivery.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember thinking, and I\u2019ve had four kids head off to college and two of those go on and get married now, and actually the weddings were a piece of cake after the letting go to college.\u00a0 The letting go to college really is a change in the relationship like no other time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you remember that time in your life?\u00a0 Do you remember what you were feeling Ali?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think being the baby of the family and sort of observed everything\u2014I was the observer of the family\u2014so when both of my brothers left for college I kind of noticed what it did to my mom and I knew about the empty nest syndrome philosophy before just about anything else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You were pretty astute!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Were you milking it?\u00a0 Tell the truth!\u00a0 As you were leaving, as the baby of the family, were you milking this thing of leaving to go to college!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh man.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what I was doing at the time, to be honest.\u00a0 I wish I would have known what I was doing because I wanted to leave and kind of see if I even had any wings, if I\u2019d grown any.\u00a0 I was pretty insecure in that.\u00a0 But also, I think I was afraid to bust out of that protective mother hen place that I\u2019d been in for so long.\u00a0 Especially when my brothers left, that role seemed really important to also stay and fulfill at some level.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ali, if I\u2019d sat down with you your freshman year at college and said, \u201cSo describe your relationship with your mom and your dad individually.\u00a0 What\u2019s your relationship with your mom like?\u00a0 What\u2019s your relationship with your dad like?\u201d\u00a0 And you\u2019d been honest with me.\u00a0 What would you have said?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I was unconventional as far as when I started college.\u00a0 I took two years and did some travelling and lived in another state for a couple of years.\u00a0 I would say part of the reason why I didn\u2019t want to leave home, or was hesitant for that process, was that I wanted to stay and see what was going to happen with them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Meaning what?\u00a0 Were you concerned about your parent\u2019s marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t concerned about their marriage as much as their health and emotional health.\u00a0 It was a time that my dad was drinking and jobless at the time.\u00a0 My mom was not yet ready to embrace that truth.\u00a0 So I feel like I worried about them more than anything when I graduated from high school. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, what happened, and the part of the process that I didn\u2019t take responsibility for at the time, which is living my own life, I started getting angry and resentful.\u00a0 So that over- concern, that care, when I failed to sort of do the leaving and going and sort of starting to find my way, that\u2019s where a lot of the anger inside that led to my own addiction and led to my own struggle with alcoholism, that\u2019s sort of the point that it began.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This was a tough season in the Fuller family, wasn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was very, very difficult.\u00a0 As we share in <em>Mother-Daughter Duet<\/em>, we had been a very loving Christian family and really focused on our kids and on the Lord all those years.\u00a0 When the market began to crash and his business began to crash, some genetic \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tdepression and anxiety began to kick in and, instead of getting help, which is very difficult for him.\u00a0 He is very stoic.\u00a0 He began to self medicate with alcohol.\u00a0 He was ashamed of it so he hid it.\u00a0 So it was not a partying kind of addiction.\u00a0 He was hiding it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow I was pretty easy to hide it from because it was my worst nightmare.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t grow up in a home with any alcohol whatsoever.\u00a0 My parents were teetotalers because my uncle was an alcoholic.\u00a0 My father was an attorney and he would be called away from many dinners to go down and bail his brother out.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I had that back in my memory, though I hadn\u2019t lived around someone.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t really know the signs, you might say.\u00a0 I just had terror about it.\u00a0 I mean, it was my worst nightmare.\u00a0 What I had hoped that my children wouldn\u2019t ever have to experience and that they wouldn\u2019t\u2019 have any kind of addiction in their life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo like for years we didn\u2019t drink one thing. W e wanted to be good role models.\u00a0 It was very hard for me to face.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t that I didn\u2019t know it.\u00a0 I was in a kind of denial because, like many spouses of someone who has any kind of addiction, I thought I could fix it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tUnbeknownst to maybe Ali or my sons, I would give him a really good pep talk.\u00a0 I thought I was pretty motivational!\u00a0 You know!\u00a0 I thought surely he\u2019ll change if I give him all the right reasons.\u00a0 And I prayed and prayed and prayed and I trusted God.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, when I would approach him or try to be graciously confrontive he would get so angry and defensive about it.\u00a0 My alarms would go off inside but I was so afraid.\u00a0 That was what I was locked into.\u00a0 You\u2019ll find that that\u2019s not that uncommon.\u00a0 I mean, I\u2019ve met many women whose husbands had a drinking problem for twenty-five years and hid the vodka bottles.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the fact is, it broke my heart as a mother, how it was affecting our daughter.\u00a0 She was the one still at home when this began.\u00a0 I tried to get her some counseling help.\u00a0 She was kind of shutting me out.\u00a0 Close the bedroom door.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was just concerned about everyone so I became very co-defendant, which means I was more concerned about their lives and trying to help them, than I was about taking care of my own.\u00a0 I was really pulling a lot of the weight income-wise and working too hard and just trying to keep the family together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m\u2019 thinking about it.\u00a0 Here\u2019s financial pressure, a husband who\u2019s depressed because he\u2019s out of work because things are crumbling.\u00a0 Alcohol is starting to enter the picture, which you\u2019ve never wanted.\u00a0 You\u2019re about to become an empty nest mom.\u00a0 And then, unbeknownst to you, I guess, Ali, you were starting to drink?\u00a0 Was this in high school?\u00a0 Right after high school you were starting to drink?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 A part of my drinking career, so to speak, was like super typical for someone who ends up developing an alcohol problem. T he very first party I went to, and I wasn\u2019t a partier per se, I was king of delayed.\u00a0 My first drink, I had that experience of \u201cOh, yeah, this is pretty much what I need to be able to function, to be able to talk with ease and to not feel so inhibited.\u201d\u00a0 So, even though I was really young at the time, it was like this is it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I finished high school and as I got older I got a longer curfew if I stayed out of trouble.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t drink a whole lot in high school.\u00a0 But when I would drink, I would drink a lot and it would sometimes be blackout drinking sort of situations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019d started hiding it from the family pretty early on, partly because that\u2019s what I saw my dad do and I didn\u2019t think of myself as a problem drinker early on.\u00a0 I just thought maybe this is something we have in common as strange as that sounds logically.\u00a0 And that it did.\u00a0 It kind of became the common factor between us and, in retrospect, I think that was a large inhibiter of my mom and I getting closer.\u00a0 I was identifying so much with my dad and trying to connect.\u00a0 If it didn\u2019t work out verbally, through conversation, then, well, I would just go party and do drinking my own way and do my own thing and then somehow felt closer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the time, I was about eighteen and I knew that my parents were under extreme financial stress.\u00a0 I think what motivated a lot of my actions towards my mom, but also choices that I made after, I didn\u2019t want to be an added burden, especially a financial burden, whereas at the beginning of my senior year I was sort of entertaining the thought of going to Wheaton or OU.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the end of the year was when I started getting really pretty angry, getting more angry in my tone towards my mom and didn\u2019t really give a reason for it.\u00a0 But that\u2019s where I feel like our issues began on a sort of acting out level.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t\u2019 end up filling out applications that I would start because I kind of sabotaged the process.\u00a0 Like,\u201d well I don\u2019t want to be a burden, so I\u2019m not going to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 But then unfortunately I was trying to help her fill out the college applications and encourage her, \u201cYou know, you\u2019re bright.\u00a0 You\u2019re talented.\u201d\u00a0 One of the problems in our family was not communicating about this because I would have paid out of my pocket for her to go to college just like we did with our boys.\u00a0 But she\u2019s very sensitive and empathetic.\u00a0 There were just all these things going on.\u00a0 It was a difficult time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It seems to be that just the story that you all have shared here.\u00a0 This is a set up.\u00a0 Here you are, Ali, observing your dad and your mom and you\u2019re expressing concern for them.\u00a0 Here you are, Cheri you are watching your daughter kind of push you out of her life and yet you don\u2019t have much of a relationship with your husband because he\u2019s having an affair with alcohol.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Cheri:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, was very emotionally absent, both of us, especially me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s a set up for you to cling to your daughter, your only daughter, and for it to repel you, Ali, as one who\u2019s trying to be cut loose and get free.\u00a0 Were you feeling that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ali:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I think I was feeling that.\u00a0 I knew that even my presence as the only daughter, I wanted to live up to that expectation that I would continue to bring the same joy as when I entered the world as her only daughter.\u00a0 But like my mom said, communication was just so strenuous for us to put things on the table and talk it out.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI am a creative person.\u00a0 I tend to express things more through painting, through music, and at the time especially, I didn\u2019t know how to communicate, and communicate my feelings in a real direct sort of way.\u00a0 I would of course, write cryptic poems and think I was communicating my heart or what was inside my brain and my life experience at the time.\u00a0 Or I would go in my room and I would paint these charcoal paintings because the charcoal is my favorite medium to work with.\u00a0 There was something even metaphorical in charcoal drawings, to me.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I wouldn\u2019t communicate any of that process, that a lot of what I was feeling and sensing and experiencing in the family and worrying about my dad and why doesn\u2019t he want to talk or all those things that all of a sudden seem lost when he dove into depression and alcohol.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI reacted to life, versus talked about it.\u00a0 That\u2019s where I think a very concrete difference between my mom and I is she is very verbal.\u00a0 Sometimes it comes down to this very complex part of our story and some parts were so simply that, had we just had the awareness or known to look at each other and go \u201cOh, my gosh, you are so verbal and I am so not.\u00a0 I wonder where our middle ground is?\u201d\u00a0 Or actually just appreciating those differences instead of resenting them and I think I resented her for not reading my mind more.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One paints word pictures.\u00a0 The other paints charcoal drawings.\u00a0 And you\u2019re not on the same page, literally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think the point that you make about trying to find the common ground is where a lot of families find themselves in a struggle here.\u00a0 How do we, when we\u2019re not on the same page, how do we find a middle where there is a relationship there that we can build on?\u00a0 That\u2019s what you guys have tried to share as you\u2019ve shared your own story in the book that you wrote together called <em>Mother-Daughter Duet<\/em>, which we\u2019ve got in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur listeners can find out more about the book when they go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 It\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com or call toll free, 800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 Ask about the book <em>Mother-Daughter Duet<\/em> by Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum.\u00a0 We can make arrangements to get a copy of the book sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA couple of other quick notes I want to make sure you are aware of.\u00a0 FamilyLife in recent days. has developed a FamilyLife iPhone app.\u00a0 So, if you\u2019ve not downloaded the iPhone app, it\u2019s free from the app store.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust go and type in <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and it should pop up.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t have an iPhone but you do have access to the internet from your mobile device, the <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> website has been optimized for mobile use as well.\u00a0 Just type in \u201c<em>FamilyLife Today\u201d<\/em> on your mobile phone and you\u2019ll see the mobile version of our website.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also wanted to let you know about a special opportunity that we are hoping to take full advantage of here at FamilyLife.\u00a0 We had some friends of the ministry come to us not long ago and they said, \u201cWe\u2019d like to help FamilyLife out as you head into the summer months.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey know that summer can be a challenging time for churches and ministries like ours as donations tend to drop down in the summer.\u00a0 They said why don\u2019t we see if we can, during the month of May, encourage folks to give you guys a little head start into summer?\u00a0 So the way they wanted to do that was by agreeing to match every donation we receive during the month of May on a dollar by dollar basis up to a total of $750,000. That\u2019s the largest matching gift we\u2019ve ever received outside of the month of December.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn order to take full advantage of that, we really need to get the word out to as many folks as possible and ask you to do what you can do.\u00a0 Call or go online at FamilyLife Today.com.\u00a0 Make a donation.\u00a0 If it\u2019s $10, $20, $50, $100, whatever you can do, your donation is going to be matched dollar for dollar and you\u2019ll be helping us take full advantage of that matching gift opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>So again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can make a donation online.\u00a0 Or call to make a donation, 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800, \u201cF\u2019 as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word today.\u00a0 Let me just say thanks in advance for whatever you\u2019re able to do in support of the ministry of FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 We appreciate your financial partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>We want to encourage you to be back with us again tomorrow when Ali Plum and her mom Cheri Fuller are going to be here again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to hear more of their story about perfecting the mother, daughter duet.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider f to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 2011 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twww.FamilyLife.com\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302273","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302273"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302273"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302273"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302273"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302273"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302273"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302273"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}