{"id":302228,"date":"2011-03-02T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-03-02T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-feminine-callings-of-a-woman\/"},"modified":"2011-03-02T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-03-02T17:00:00","slug":"the-feminine-callings-of-a-woman","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-feminine-callings-of-a-woman\/","title":{"rendered":"The Feminine Callings of a Woman"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Author Shaunti Feldhahn talks to women about the benefits and challenges of being their husband\u2019s helpmate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-03-02.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"27.47M","filesize_raw":"28803589","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2093],"tags":[4025,4819,4022,4001],"podcast_series":[7791],"cwp_profile":[3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302228","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-women","tag-being-a-wife","tag-roles","tag-wives","tag-women","podcast_series-the-life-ready-woman","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302228\/the-feminine-callings-of-a-woman","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302228\/the-feminine-callings-of-a-woman","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"fTOFo1J6SC\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-feminine-callings-of-a-woman\/\">The Feminine Callings of a Woman<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-feminine-callings-of-a-woman\/embed\/#?secret=fTOFo1J6SC\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Feminine Callings of a Woman&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"fTOFo1J6SC\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-03-02.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-03-02.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 According to author and speaker Shaunti Feldhahn, the wives today who are the most fulfilled, the most satisfied in their marriage, are the ones who have learned how to support and honor their husbands.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 So many women say, \u201cYou know, am I just supposed to let him?\u201d and \u201cHow can I tell him when he\u2019s the one making mistakes?\u201d\u00a0 And I say, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Most of the time, it\u2019s not that he\u2019s wrong and you\u2019re right.\u00a0 It\u2019s usually a difference of opinion and a difference of judgment.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThis is where if you will practice saying, \u2018OK, I would do it differently, but go ahead,\u2019 you will see him blossom.\u00a0 At that point, you end up with the relationship that <em>you<\/em> wanted as well.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, March 2<sup>nd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Is your marriage relationship leaving you sometimes feeling drained and depleted and exhausted?\u00a0 Shaunti Feldhahn has some thoughts for you on that today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Have you watched this whole DVD series about this woman thing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Are you going to?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think Barbara\u2019s going to make me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do want to see what Shaunti Feldhahn has done in the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But don\u2019t you think there\u2019ll be some times where you\u2019ll pause and check what the score of the game is and then get back to it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Of course.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m really sorry, Shaunti.\u00a0 Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 We\u2019re revealing too much here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 I love it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, Shaunti Feldhahn is the featured speaker in the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em>, which is an eight-session, video-assisted curriculum for women\u2019s groups.\u00a0 This is a Bible study.\u00a0 It\u2019s going to have a manual that\u2019s full-color.\u00a0 All kinds of life application, not only within the message, but also you break-out at the end of each of these sessions in a small group setting with these women.\u00a0 Is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 So you go through the teaching and then you break out into small groups and you\u2019re able to talk about it.\u00a0 You actually do a lot of the application stuff in the middle of the session so you don\u2019t have to do any homework if you don\u2019t want to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Now wait; can you have a <em>man<\/em>ual for a woman\u2019s session?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t it be a \u201cwoman-ual\u201d or something?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, Bob, Bob\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ohhhh\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, you\u2019re insulting her. . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just couldn\u2019t let that one lie.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 We call it the \u201cworkbook.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s the workbook.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and I know I\u2019m joking about it here, but as we\u2019ve been talking this week about the core responsibilities that God has called women to, you\u2019ve really isolated those around three primary responsibilities found in Genesis, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, for both men and women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And they are?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 To leave and cleave with a spouse; To be fruitful and multiply, you know, raise up the next generation and launch them into the world (not just your kids, but be part of that for everyone else); and To subdue the earth and rule over it, to advance God\u2019s purposed beyond the home and into the world \u2013 for both men and women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, if that\u2019s for both men and women, then what\u2019s the uniquely feminine aspect of each of those?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we basically, with the way that we show a biblical framework for this and a biblical blueprint, we essentially say, \u201cLook, we all come to a place where God wants each of us individually.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you get there by looking at these three core callings, we call them (the leave and cleave and so on), and then we narrow them down to say, \u201cOK, so what\u2019s unique for us as women?\u00a0 What does that look like?\u201d\u00a0 And then even further narrow it and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s unique for <em>you<\/em> as an individual?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what\u2019s the big picture design and calling for everybody? For us as women?\u00a0 And then narrowed down to what\u2019s your individual design and callings?\u00a0 That place, where those three intersect, is going to be where you as a woman thrive in a \u201cdo-it-all world,\u201d which is the subtitle of the book and the study.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, if we take leaving and cleaving, which is about the marriage relationship and how that\u2019s supposed to be one of the core callings for a woman, then what\u2019s the woman\u2019s part of the leave and cleave that\u2019s unique for her?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it\u2019s interesting.\u00a0 There are actually only a few places in the Bible where women are told to do something really specific that is different from what men are told.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that I\u2019m looking at, that will hopefully help women, is that this is not so much \u201cwhat is a women\u2019s role?\u201d\u00a0 I think a lot of us as women are kind of, unfortunately, up to here with \u201cwhat\u2019s the woman\u2019s role?\u201d\u00a0 Instead, to say, not so much \u201cwhat is God asking us to do?\u201d, but \u201c<em>why<\/em> is he asking us as women to do it?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScripture says we are uniquely gifted to help and complete a man, just as a man is uniquely gifted to complete and cleave with a woman.\u00a0 In Genesis, God looked at everything He created and saw that It was good.\u00a0\u00a0 But then He looked at the man He had created and said, \u201cIt is not good for man to be alone.\u00a0 I will make him a helper suitable for him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome women kind of bristle at the idea of being a \u201chelper\u201d because they think it implies a lack of equality, but it doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 The Hebrew for \u201chelper\u201d is \u201cezer kenegdo,\u201d which literally means, a helper corresponding to him, or a helper who is equal in power and ability to him.\u00a0 Most of us instinctively know that being a helper is the way we\u2019re designed.\u00a0 We see our kids or our husband struggling with something, and we want to help them.\u00a0 That is designed as a good thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo it\u2019s this idea of you as equal in power and strength to your husband.\u00a0 You can do everything that he does, but you are designed specifically to help.\u00a0 It puts this perspective into our relationships and our marriages.\u00a0 When we look at what our sinful tendencies as women are and what we try <em>not <\/em>to do sometimes; sometimes, and I hate to say it, we say, \u201cHoney, I was just trying to help you.\u201d\u00a0 And it\u2019s more like, \u201cNo, wait a minute.\u201d\u00a0 You were just trying to use that power and strength to get your way.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo this sort of brings it back to say, \u201cOK, what does that look like for us?\u201d\u00a0 This leads into all the stuff that people misunderstand about what it means to submit and what it means for the husband to lead.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, what I realize is that, when God gave us as women this directive, He was doing something that\u2019s going to bring us back into balance.\u00a0 So when God tells us as women, \u201cSubmit to your husband.\u00a0 Let him lead,\u201d what\u2019s happening is He\u2019s putting us back into balance.\u00a0 He is overcoming our worst temptations and what our natural sinful tendency is going to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead, for us to say, \u201cHoney, I\u2019m going to <em>let<\/em> you lead.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to force myself.\u00a0 I\u2019m equal in power and strength.\u00a0 I could take over, but I\u2019m going to force myself not to so that you can step up to be the man that you\u2019re supposed to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What God\u2019s wanting women to do and what I hear you saying here, is that a woman is to use her power to come alongside her husband and to use that to truly help her man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, truly help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What does that look like with you and Jeff?\u00a0 I want to bring this down to the practical aspect because for you to be a helper, that means what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 For me, and I think for a lot of us as women, what it means is to step aside and to say, \u201cHoney, what can I do to support you in the leading of our family?\u00a0 As you lead our family, what is it that I can do to truly support you in that, rather than undermine you, rather than try to get my own way?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or compete for the leadership of the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 And that\u2019s what we as women, I think, unfortunately, in our sinful tendency, naturally try to do.\u00a0 Which, again, is one reason why God has to say to us as women \u2013 and it\u2019s not this oppressive thing that I think a lot of Christian women think it is.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat word \u2018submit\u2019 is so scary.\u00a0 We think of it as being beaten down and oppressed, and that\u2019s not it at all.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s basically God saying, \u201cI\u2019ve created you to be equal in power and strength to this man.\u00a0 You could take over, you could compete, and in response he\u2019s going to back off.\u00a0 But you don\u2019t want that kind of a husband.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so, in response to what you said about me and Jeff, for example, I know that if I assert myself and I try to take over and say, \u201cThis is the way we\u2019re going to do it,\u201d I know Jeff is going to back off.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe is a fantastic guy, and I know that once I practice trusting him and I practice respecting him, he will step forward and take exactly the kind of responsibility that he needs to take; frankly, the kind I want him to take.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t want the back-off, withdraw kind of husband.\u00a0 I want the guy who\u2019s stepping forward, but that means that I have to force myself to not step into that place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you have seen as a result of coming alongside Jeff and using your power to really strengthen him to lead . . . you\u2019ve seen him step up, not step back?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, exactly.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd for us, as women, there\u2019s a great analogy that Robert Lewis uses \u2013 he\u2019s the producer of this whole <em>LifeReady<\/em> series that FamilyLife is doing \u2013 one of the analogies that he uses, which I love, from a man is that he says: \u201cLook, if a man and a woman are walking up to a door at the same time and the woman goes to open the door and walk through it, he\u2019ll step back.\u00a0 But if instead she walks up to the door and waits, he\u2019ll step forward.\u00a0 The guy will step forward and <em>open<\/em> the door and step up and take the responsibility.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat is basically a simple picture.\u00a0 Of course we could take the responsibility as women.\u00a0 Of course we could.\u00a0 We\u2019re smart, capable people.\u00a0 We just don\u2019t realize how much that backs our husband off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I did the research for <em>For Women Only<\/em> and I found out the <em>incredible<\/em> need my husband has, and every man has, to feel that his wife respects him, and how much that assuages the secret question that every man is asking of \u201cDo I measure up?\u201d and \u201cAm I good enough?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 And how much Jeff, like all other men, needed me to say, \u201cYes, I can make this decision.\u00a0\u00a0 Absolutely I can make this decision.\u00a0 I can take it out of his hands.\u00a0 I can make it every day.\u201d\u00a0 But instead, force myself to clamp my lips shut every now and then and say, \u201cHoney, that\u2019s OK.\u00a0 I trust you.\u00a0 Go ahead.\u00a0 You do it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat allowed him to step up and really, truly grow into the man that he wanted to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrankly, we as women want that, too.\u00a0 We don\u2019t want the passive, withdrawn, backing off, \u201cwhatever you want to do, honey,\u201d checked out, \u201cI don\u2019t want to parent the kids,\u201d kind of man. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I promise you, women don\u2019t.\u00a0 We get emails and letters by the scores from listeners who say, \u201cWould you help me engage my husband in our marriage, in our family, in our spiritual growth?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 Well, here\u2019s the answer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You said it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it is allowing him to be the man that he wants to be.\u00a0 The problem comes . . . here\u2019s that Eve thing again . . . when we want it the way we want it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and the problem comes when you walk up to the door, like you described, and the woman stops and so does the husband.\u00a0 Then the woman\u2019s going, \u201cWill you open the door?\u201d\u00a0 The question is: will she stay there long enough for him to begin to say, \u201cHey, that really is my responsibility.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, and \u201cShe\u2019s going to let me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, you didn\u2019t like the word \u2018submit\u2019 early on in your marriage.\u00a0 That was a . . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was a big <em>problem<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was a fingernails on the chalkboard kind of word, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was awful!\u00a0 I came to Christ when I was in my twenties; my worldview was already set.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You had graduated from Harvard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and let\u2019s just say that the word \u2018submit\u2019 . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> . . . when it comes to the idea of women submitting in marriage. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s taught at Harvard, isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say that would get you drawn and quartered at Harvard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 I did not get that at all.\u00a0 I had always equated it with what we as women often do, which is \u201cYou\u2019re supposed to stay under his thumb, and be the little woman, and let him walk all over you.\u201d\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t realized until I started doing a lot more biblical study that it\u2019s actually the opposite.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s because we as women are so strong, that we would run all over him if God didn\u2019t say, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to let him lead.\u201d\u00a0 And that puts us back into the biblical balance that God wanted from the beginning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I love the illustration that you used about some guys who were starting a company.\u00a0 They were all going to be equal partners, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 This is when I was learning this, and I was still really struggling with the idea of their being a leader.\u00a0 Like why does anybody have to be a leader . . . right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yeah.\u00a0 Well that is the popular viewpoint.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, you can be truly equal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, just co-equals in marriage.\u00a0 No one is really in charge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Correct.\u00a0 And here\u2019s the reality that I think all of us really know.\u00a0 When I was at my office and my boss was leaving to form a firm, he said it was going to be \u201call equal partners, and he was going to be sort of the head of it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cWell, wait, if you\u2019re equal partners, how are <em>you<\/em> going to be the head?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cWell, there always has to be a first among equals or there\u2019s chaos.\u201d\u00a0 You know, and it clicked.\u00a0 It was like, \u201cOhhhh.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(And for us as women to say. . .)\u00a0 You know, here\u2019s the problem:\u00a0 One person or another is going to be in that role.\u00a0 We, as women, would have the tendency to step into that role.\u00a0 As a result, he\u2019d back off and check out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s how Dennis said it:\u00a0 \u201cIf two people are on a horse, somebody\u2019s got to have the reins.\u201d\u00a0 Now that doesn\u2019t mean somebody else isn\u2019t reaching around over behind going, \u201cWait, wait, I want to steer.\u00a0 I want to drive!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But, ultimately, one person\u2019s got to be at the helm; got to be saying, \u201cHere\u2019s where we\u2019re going.\u201d\u00a0 Right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and this is the thing for us as women to know.\u00a0 That, you know what, if you\u2019ll do this, no matter how hard it is \u2013and I have seen this <em>myself, <\/em>because as you can probably tell, I\u2019m a pretty strong, opinionated personality \u2013 that what I realized is that if I will give my husband the reins and if I\u2019ll try my hardest not to steer from the back . . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNot do all those things that question whether he\u2019s doing a good job of managing the reins.\u00a0 It does empower him to be the man that I want.\u00a0 It empowers him to be this strong and trustworthy and respectable man that he really wants to be.\u00a0 It is so much easier at that point to think, \u201cOh, wow.\u00a0 I have this great husband who loves me and is treating me like Christ treats the church and he\u2019s sacrificing himself for me.\u201d\u00a0 But none of it would happen if I were to be the one who\u2019s trying to be in the driver\u2019s seat because it would trigger then man\u2019s sinful tendency to back off and to withdraw.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But, Shaunti, if the husband has steered wrong in the past?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or he\u2019s dropped the reins.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you\u2019re a wife, and you\u2019re sitting there going, \u201cIf I just hand it all over to him, it\u2019s going to be a mess.\u00a0 He\u2019s going to lead us into the ditch, and then I\u2019m stuck in the ditch.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 There\u2019s something to be said for, as hard as it is, letting him make the mistakes to get you back on track.\u00a0 If you go into the ditch, and you say, \u201cI know you don\u2019t want to be in this ditch any more than I do.\u00a0 I know you care about our family.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to respect you enough to believe that you\u2019re going to get us out of this ditch.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs hard as it is, that right there is what sets the stage for the rest of your marriage.\u00a0 There are always going to be times when sometimes you do need to set the boundaries.\u00a0 I know you guys have had some great psychiatrists and some great authors on who\u2019ve talked about where you do need to say, \u201cYou know, what?\u00a0 In this one area, we do need to set some boundaries here.\u201d\u00a0 Do it under a pastor\u2019s authority and all of that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut in the vast majority of cases, you are not talking about something that\u2019s going to truly derail your life and derail your kids\u2019 lives.\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about, honestly, a difference of opinion.\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about a difference of judgment.\u00a0 That is where so many women say, \u201cYou know, am I just supposed to let him?\u201d and \u201cHow can I tell him when he\u2019s the one making mistakes?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hear these at the women\u2019s conferences.\u00a0 And I say, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Most of the time, it\u2019s not that he\u2019s wrong and you\u2019re right.\u00a0 It\u2019s usually a difference of opinion and a difference of judgment.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThis is where if you will practice saying, \u2018OK, I would do it differently, but go ahead,\u2019 you will see him blossom.\u00a0 And at that point, you end up with the relationship that <em>you<\/em> wanted as well.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling the need at this point just to put the cookies on the lowest shelf possible for the wife who\u2019s listening, who is saying, \u201cYou know, Shaunti, I hear everything you\u2019re saying.\u00a0 But you don\u2019t know my husband.\u00a0 He\u2019s been passive for years.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Uh huh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cAnd I\u2019ve given up hope.\u201d\u00a0 Is there something?\u00a0 And we can\u2019t make it a formula, because life isn\u2019t a formula.\u00a0 It\u2019s about the living God invading people\u2019s lives, invading a woman\u2019s life, and giving her the courage, the character, and the belief in her husband to call him out of that passivity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Even in her silence.\u00a0 How would you coach the woman who has heard all of this and said, \u201cI\u2019m losing hope in well-doing\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, there is a principle that has meant an awful lot to me and, I know, to a lot of women.\u00a0 It is that sometimes you have to make a one-sided choice.\u00a0 You have to be obedient to God first.\u00a0 Whether or not you feel like your husband is doing his part, you can do yours.\u00a0 If God is who He says He is, and if He has organized our lives so that they <em>work<\/em> in this way, then even though it may take longer than you want, you are making that one-sided choice and being obedient and doing what you need to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, if your husband has grown really passive and you may look at it and say, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Some of it is his personality, but some of it is that I did take the reins so many times that he\u2019s checked out.\u201d\u00a0 If you ever hear as a wife, \u201cI feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for you.\u201d\u00a0 Most women, if we\u2019ve heard that, it\u2019s like the kiss of death statement.\u00a0 That is a man who\u2019s feeling like a failure, and he has checked out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Should she apologize at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh my gosh!\u00a0 You know, once you realize this as a woman, it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, I had no idea.\u00a0 I just didn\u2019t see how big of a deal this was, and I didn\u2019t realize how much I was disrespecting you by taking the reins so many times.\u201d\u00a0 So, it may be that she has to make that choice over and over for awhile, and just be obedient to God.\u00a0 It may take awhile for him to feel like he can even experiment with <em>once<\/em> making a decision.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt that point, you as a wife have to kind of see it for what it is and be willing to sort of go against the flow for you and say, \u201cOK.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And celebrate the choice!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 And celebrate the choice \u2013 even if it\u2019s completely different than the one that you would have made.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe problem obviously comes because we don\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> like it.\u00a0 This is part of the study actually.\u00a0 This is part of what we talk about in <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em>.\u00a0 We are so used to, in this culture, saying that we feel a certain way so we do a certain thing.\u00a0 Instead, the way God has wired us is that our feelings actually follow our actions.\u00a0 If we will do something, eventually we\u2019re going to feel it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, the more that you will trust your husband, and stop yourself from criticizing him - force yourself to say nothing negative about him, for example. . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve had so many women say, \u201cWell I <em>don\u2019t <\/em>respect my husband.\u201d\u00a0 OK.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what you do:\u00a0 You literally don\u2019t say anything negative about him.\u00a0 Pick a month.\u00a0 Say, \u201cFor <em>this<\/em> month, I am going to not say anything negative about him; either to him or about him to somebody else.\u201d\u00a0 Then for the next month, find something you can affirm to him every day, and tell him so.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 You\u2019re going to find your feelings changing.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver and over, you\u2019re refusing to focus on the negative, and over and over, you\u2019re forcing yourself to focus on the positive.\u00a0 It\u2019s Philippians 4 in action.\u00a0 Paul says, \u201cRejoice.\u201d\u00a0 And he\u2019s in a prison!\u00a0 How do you do that?\u00a0 Well, you think on whatever is lovely, and you think on whatever is true and excellent and honorable.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the beginning, your life may feel like a prison.\u00a0 But you do this every day.\u00a0 You are not only going to be empowering your man to be the man he wants to be, you are also going to be changing your feelings.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wish I could take credit for that challenge of focusing on the positive, but actually I stole it from Nancy Leigh DeMoss.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here at FamilyLife a few years ago.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you steal from good sources!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You really do.\u00a0 You know, the exciting thing to me, and for women who are listening to our broadcast, I think, is that this material found in the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em> series is really going to bring, I think, the truth of Scripture in a practical way to the lives of single women, married women, moms, grandmothers. . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Women are going to find out they\u2019re not alone in the struggles they\u2019re facing, because a lot of women are struggling today in marriages like this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the things that I tell every woman is that if you don\u2019t believe this and you have a hard time dealing with what I\u2019ve been saying, then don\u2019t believe me.\u00a0 But just try it.\u00a0 Just try a couple of these things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reaction that you get, for example, from your husband is going to be the <em>best<\/em> possible incentive to continue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Honestly, you may not see that immediately, and you may get discouraged, but the reality is you need to stay with these kinds of priorities and doing these kinds of things because it\u2019s what God\u2019s called us to.\u00a0 Regardless of how that\u2019s working out and whether your husband affirms it or not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, most cases, I would think a guy would go, \u201cYeah. This is great.\u201d\u00a0 But, again, the reality is that you\u2019ve got to do what God is calling you to do and be the kind of wife and mother and woman that He\u2019s created you to be, even in the hard times.\u00a0 That\u2019s where I think it\u2019s helpful, if you\u2019re going through material like this with other women, and it is hard and things aren\u2019t going well. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t. . . just to be able to share openly about what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 To get the support and the encouragement of the women you\u2019re going through the material with.\u00a0 This curriculum has been designed for women to go through together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out more about the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em> video series when you go online at <a href=\"http:\/\/www.familylifetoday.com\">www.familylifetoday.com<\/a>.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s familylifetoday.com, or call us toll-free at 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 It\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 When you call, ask about the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em> video series and we\u2019ll answer any questions you may have or make arrangements to get the series sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me also mention that Shaunti has written a book on the things we\u2019ve been talking about here called the <em>LifeReady Woman, <\/em>together with Dr. Robert Lewis.\u00a0 We\u2019re making the book available this week as a way of saying thank you to those of you who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are listener supported.\u00a0 This radio program is on the air because folks like you pitch in from time to time and say, \u201cWe want to make sure it stays on the air.\u00a0 We\u2019ll make a donation.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send you ten or twenty or fifty or a hundred dollars to help keep the program going.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate those of you who support the ministry like that.\u00a0 When you make a donation this week, we want to invite you to request a copy of the <em>LifeReady Woman <\/em>book by Shaunti Feldhahn and Robert Lewis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re donating online at familylifetoday.com, type the word \u201cREADY\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form or if you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make the donation over the phone.\u00a0 Just ask for the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em> book when you call.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send it to you.\u00a0 Again, we very much appreciate your support of this ministry and your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to encourage you to be back again with us tomorrow.\u00a0 Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s going to be here again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about where the parenting priority fits into a well-balanced life for a woman.\u00a0 That\u2019s coming up tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can be here for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["27.47M"],"filesize_raw":["28803589"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302228.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302228.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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Shaunti Feldhahn talks to women about the benefits and challenges of being their husband\u2019s helpmate.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-03-02.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 According to author and speaker Shaunti Feldhahn, the wives today who are the most fulfilled, the most satisfied in their marriage, are the ones who have learned how to support and honor their husbands.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 So many women say, \u201cYou know, am I just supposed to let him?\u201d and \u201cHow can I tell him when he\u2019s the one making mistakes?\u201d\u00a0 And I say, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Most of the time, it\u2019s not that he\u2019s wrong and you\u2019re right.\u00a0 It\u2019s usually a difference of opinion and a difference of judgment.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThis is where if you will practice saying, \u2018OK, I would do it differently, but go ahead,\u2019 you will see him blossom.\u00a0 At that point, you end up with the relationship that <em>you<\/em> wanted as well.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, March 2<sup>nd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Is your marriage relationship leaving you sometimes feeling drained and depleted and exhausted?\u00a0 Shaunti Feldhahn has some thoughts for you on that today.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Have you watched this whole DVD series about this woman thing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Are you going to?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think Barbara\u2019s going to make me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Do you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do want to see what Shaunti Feldhahn has done in the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But don\u2019t you think there\u2019ll be some times where you\u2019ll pause and check what the score of the game is and then get back to it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Of course.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m really sorry, Shaunti.\u00a0 Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 We\u2019re revealing too much here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 I love it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, Shaunti Feldhahn is the featured speaker in the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em>, which is an eight-session, video-assisted curriculum for women\u2019s groups.\u00a0 This is a Bible study.\u00a0 It\u2019s going to have a manual that\u2019s full-color.\u00a0 All kinds of life application, not only within the message, but also you break-out at the end of each of these sessions in a small group setting with these women.\u00a0 Is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 So you go through the teaching and then you break out into small groups and you\u2019re able to talk about it.\u00a0 You actually do a lot of the application stuff in the middle of the session so you don\u2019t have to do any homework if you don\u2019t want to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Now wait; can you have a <em>man<\/em>ual for a woman\u2019s session?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t it be a \u201cwoman-ual\u201d or something?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, Bob, Bob\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ohhhh\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, you\u2019re insulting her. . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just couldn\u2019t let that one lie.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 We call it the \u201cworkbook.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s the workbook.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and I know I\u2019m joking about it here, but as we\u2019ve been talking this week about the core responsibilities that God has called women to, you\u2019ve really isolated those around three primary responsibilities found in Genesis, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, for both men and women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And they are?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 To leave and cleave with a spouse; To be fruitful and multiply, you know, raise up the next generation and launch them into the world (not just your kids, but be part of that for everyone else); and To subdue the earth and rule over it, to advance God\u2019s purposed beyond the home and into the world \u2013 for both men and women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, if that\u2019s for both men and women, then what\u2019s the uniquely feminine aspect of each of those?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, we basically, with the way that we show a biblical framework for this and a biblical blueprint, we essentially say, \u201cLook, we all come to a place where God wants each of us individually.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you get there by looking at these three core callings, we call them (the leave and cleave and so on), and then we narrow them down to say, \u201cOK, so what\u2019s unique for us as women?\u00a0 What does that look like?\u201d\u00a0 And then even further narrow it and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s unique for <em>you<\/em> as an individual?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, what\u2019s the big picture design and calling for everybody? For us as women?\u00a0 And then narrowed down to what\u2019s your individual design and callings?\u00a0 That place, where those three intersect, is going to be where you as a woman thrive in a \u201cdo-it-all world,\u201d which is the subtitle of the book and the study.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, if we take leaving and cleaving, which is about the marriage relationship and how that\u2019s supposed to be one of the core callings for a woman, then what\u2019s the woman\u2019s part of the leave and cleave that\u2019s unique for her?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it\u2019s interesting.\u00a0 There are actually only a few places in the Bible where women are told to do something really specific that is different from what men are told.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that I\u2019m looking at, that will hopefully help women, is that this is not so much \u201cwhat is a women\u2019s role?\u201d\u00a0 I think a lot of us as women are kind of, unfortunately, up to here with \u201cwhat\u2019s the woman\u2019s role?\u201d\u00a0 Instead, to say, not so much \u201cwhat is God asking us to do?\u201d, but \u201c<em>why<\/em> is he asking us as women to do it?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tScripture says we are uniquely gifted to help and complete a man, just as a man is uniquely gifted to complete and cleave with a woman.\u00a0 In Genesis, God looked at everything He created and saw that It was good.\u00a0\u00a0 But then He looked at the man He had created and said, \u201cIt is not good for man to be alone.\u00a0 I will make him a helper suitable for him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome women kind of bristle at the idea of being a \u201chelper\u201d because they think it implies a lack of equality, but it doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 The Hebrew for \u201chelper\u201d is \u201cezer kenegdo,\u201d which literally means, a helper corresponding to him, or a helper who is equal in power and ability to him.\u00a0 Most of us instinctively know that being a helper is the way we\u2019re designed.\u00a0 We see our kids or our husband struggling with something, and we want to help them.\u00a0 That is designed as a good thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo it\u2019s this idea of you as equal in power and strength to your husband.\u00a0 You can do everything that he does, but you are designed specifically to help.\u00a0 It puts this perspective into our relationships and our marriages.\u00a0 When we look at what our sinful tendencies as women are and what we try <em>not <\/em>to do sometimes; sometimes, and I hate to say it, we say, \u201cHoney, I was just trying to help you.\u201d\u00a0 And it\u2019s more like, \u201cNo, wait a minute.\u201d\u00a0 You were just trying to use that power and strength to get your way.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo this sort of brings it back to say, \u201cOK, what does that look like for us?\u201d\u00a0 This leads into all the stuff that people misunderstand about what it means to submit and what it means for the husband to lead.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, what I realize is that, when God gave us as women this directive, He was doing something that\u2019s going to bring us back into balance.\u00a0 So when God tells us as women, \u201cSubmit to your husband.\u00a0 Let him lead,\u201d what\u2019s happening is He\u2019s putting us back into balance.\u00a0 He is overcoming our worst temptations and what our natural sinful tendency is going to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead, for us to say, \u201cHoney, I\u2019m going to <em>let<\/em> you lead.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to force myself.\u00a0 I\u2019m equal in power and strength.\u00a0 I could take over, but I\u2019m going to force myself not to so that you can step up to be the man that you\u2019re supposed to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What God\u2019s wanting women to do and what I hear you saying here, is that a woman is to use her power to come alongside her husband and to use that to truly help her man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, truly help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 What does that look like with you and Jeff?\u00a0 I want to bring this down to the practical aspect because for you to be a helper, that means what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 For me, and I think for a lot of us as women, what it means is to step aside and to say, \u201cHoney, what can I do to support you in the leading of our family?\u00a0 As you lead our family, what is it that I can do to truly support you in that, rather than undermine you, rather than try to get my own way?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or compete for the leadership of the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly.\u00a0 And that\u2019s what we as women, I think, unfortunately, in our sinful tendency, naturally try to do.\u00a0 Which, again, is one reason why God has to say to us as women \u2013 and it\u2019s not this oppressive thing that I think a lot of Christian women think it is.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat word \u2018submit\u2019 is so scary.\u00a0 We think of it as being beaten down and oppressed, and that\u2019s not it at all.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s basically God saying, \u201cI\u2019ve created you to be equal in power and strength to this man.\u00a0 You could take over, you could compete, and in response he\u2019s going to back off.\u00a0 But you don\u2019t want that kind of a husband.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so, in response to what you said about me and Jeff, for example, I know that if I assert myself and I try to take over and say, \u201cThis is the way we\u2019re going to do it,\u201d I know Jeff is going to back off.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe is a fantastic guy, and I know that once I practice trusting him and I practice respecting him, he will step forward and take exactly the kind of responsibility that he needs to take; frankly, the kind I want him to take.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t want the back-off, withdraw kind of husband.\u00a0 I want the guy who\u2019s stepping forward, but that means that I have to force myself to not step into that place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 So you have seen as a result of coming alongside Jeff and using your power to really strengthen him to lead . . . you\u2019ve seen him step up, not step back?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, exactly.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd for us, as women, there\u2019s a great analogy that Robert Lewis uses \u2013 he\u2019s the producer of this whole <em>LifeReady<\/em> series that FamilyLife is doing \u2013 one of the analogies that he uses, which I love, from a man is that he says: \u201cLook, if a man and a woman are walking up to a door at the same time and the woman goes to open the door and walk through it, he\u2019ll step back.\u00a0 But if instead she walks up to the door and waits, he\u2019ll step forward.\u00a0 The guy will step forward and <em>open<\/em> the door and step up and take the responsibility.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat is basically a simple picture.\u00a0 Of course we could take the responsibility as women.\u00a0 Of course we could.\u00a0 We\u2019re smart, capable people.\u00a0 We just don\u2019t realize how much that backs our husband off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I did the research for <em>For Women Only<\/em> and I found out the <em>incredible<\/em> need my husband has, and every man has, to feel that his wife respects him, and how much that assuages the secret question that every man is asking of \u201cDo I measure up?\u201d and \u201cAm I good enough?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 And how much Jeff, like all other men, needed me to say, \u201cYes, I can make this decision.\u00a0\u00a0 Absolutely I can make this decision.\u00a0 I can take it out of his hands.\u00a0 I can make it every day.\u201d\u00a0 But instead, force myself to clamp my lips shut every now and then and say, \u201cHoney, that\u2019s OK.\u00a0 I trust you.\u00a0 Go ahead.\u00a0 You do it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat allowed him to step up and really, truly grow into the man that he wanted to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrankly, we as women want that, too.\u00a0 We don\u2019t want the passive, withdrawn, backing off, \u201cwhatever you want to do, honey,\u201d checked out, \u201cI don\u2019t want to parent the kids,\u201d kind of man. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I promise you, women don\u2019t.\u00a0 We get emails and letters by the scores from listeners who say, \u201cWould you help me engage my husband in our marriage, in our family, in our spiritual growth?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 Well, here\u2019s the answer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You said it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it is allowing him to be the man that he wants to be.\u00a0 The problem comes . . . here\u2019s that Eve thing again . . . when we want it the way we want it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and the problem comes when you walk up to the door, like you described, and the woman stops and so does the husband.\u00a0 Then the woman\u2019s going, \u201cWill you open the door?\u201d\u00a0 The question is: will she stay there long enough for him to begin to say, \u201cHey, that really is my responsibility.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, and \u201cShe\u2019s going to let me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, you didn\u2019t like the word \u2018submit\u2019 early on in your marriage.\u00a0 That was a . . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was a big <em>problem<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was a fingernails on the chalkboard kind of word, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 It was awful!\u00a0 I came to Christ when I was in my twenties; my worldview was already set.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You had graduated from Harvard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and let\u2019s just say that the word \u2018submit\u2019 . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> . . . when it comes to the idea of women submitting in marriage. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s taught at Harvard, isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Let\u2019s just say that would get you drawn and quartered at Harvard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 I did not get that at all.\u00a0 I had always equated it with what we as women often do, which is \u201cYou\u2019re supposed to stay under his thumb, and be the little woman, and let him walk all over you.\u201d\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t realized until I started doing a lot more biblical study that it\u2019s actually the opposite.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s because we as women are so strong, that we would run all over him if God didn\u2019t say, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to let him lead.\u201d\u00a0 And that puts us back into the biblical balance that God wanted from the beginning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I love the illustration that you used about some guys who were starting a company.\u00a0 They were all going to be equal partners, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 This is when I was learning this, and I was still really struggling with the idea of their being a leader.\u00a0 Like why does anybody have to be a leader . . . right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yeah.\u00a0 Well that is the popular viewpoint.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, you can be truly equal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, just co-equals in marriage.\u00a0 No one is really in charge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Correct.\u00a0 And here\u2019s the reality that I think all of us really know.\u00a0 When I was at my office and my boss was leaving to form a firm, he said it was going to be \u201call equal partners, and he was going to be sort of the head of it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cWell, wait, if you\u2019re equal partners, how are <em>you<\/em> going to be the head?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said, \u201cWell, there always has to be a first among equals or there\u2019s chaos.\u201d\u00a0 You know, and it clicked.\u00a0 It was like, \u201cOhhhh.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(And for us as women to say. . .)\u00a0 You know, here\u2019s the problem:\u00a0 One person or another is going to be in that role.\u00a0 We, as women, would have the tendency to step into that role.\u00a0 As a result, he\u2019d back off and check out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s how Dennis said it:\u00a0 \u201cIf two people are on a horse, somebody\u2019s got to have the reins.\u201d\u00a0 Now that doesn\u2019t mean somebody else isn\u2019t reaching around over behind going, \u201cWait, wait, I want to steer.\u00a0 I want to drive!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But, ultimately, one person\u2019s got to be at the helm; got to be saying, \u201cHere\u2019s where we\u2019re going.\u201d\u00a0 Right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and this is the thing for us as women to know.\u00a0 That, you know what, if you\u2019ll do this, no matter how hard it is \u2013and I have seen this <em>myself, <\/em>because as you can probably tell, I\u2019m a pretty strong, opinionated personality \u2013 that what I realized is that if I will give my husband the reins and if I\u2019ll try my hardest not to steer from the back . . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNot do all those things that question whether he\u2019s doing a good job of managing the reins.\u00a0 It does empower him to be the man that I want.\u00a0 It empowers him to be this strong and trustworthy and respectable man that he really wants to be.\u00a0 It is so much easier at that point to think, \u201cOh, wow.\u00a0 I have this great husband who loves me and is treating me like Christ treats the church and he\u2019s sacrificing himself for me.\u201d\u00a0 But none of it would happen if I were to be the one who\u2019s trying to be in the driver\u2019s seat because it would trigger then man\u2019s sinful tendency to back off and to withdraw.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But, Shaunti, if the husband has steered wrong in the past?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or he\u2019s dropped the reins.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you\u2019re a wife, and you\u2019re sitting there going, \u201cIf I just hand it all over to him, it\u2019s going to be a mess.\u00a0 He\u2019s going to lead us into the ditch, and then I\u2019m stuck in the ditch.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 There\u2019s something to be said for, as hard as it is, letting him make the mistakes to get you back on track.\u00a0 If you go into the ditch, and you say, \u201cI know you don\u2019t want to be in this ditch any more than I do.\u00a0 I know you care about our family.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to respect you enough to believe that you\u2019re going to get us out of this ditch.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs hard as it is, that right there is what sets the stage for the rest of your marriage.\u00a0 There are always going to be times when sometimes you do need to set the boundaries.\u00a0 I know you guys have had some great psychiatrists and some great authors on who\u2019ve talked about where you do need to say, \u201cYou know, what?\u00a0 In this one area, we do need to set some boundaries here.\u201d\u00a0 Do it under a pastor\u2019s authority and all of that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut in the vast majority of cases, you are not talking about something that\u2019s going to truly derail your life and derail your kids\u2019 lives.\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about, honestly, a difference of opinion.\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about a difference of judgment.\u00a0 That is where so many women say, \u201cYou know, am I just supposed to let him?\u201d and \u201cHow can I tell him when he\u2019s the one making mistakes?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hear these at the women\u2019s conferences.\u00a0 And I say, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Most of the time, it\u2019s not that he\u2019s wrong and you\u2019re right.\u00a0 It\u2019s usually a difference of opinion and a difference of judgment.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThis is where if you will practice saying, \u2018OK, I would do it differently, but go ahead,\u2019 you will see him blossom.\u00a0 And at that point, you end up with the relationship that <em>you<\/em> wanted as well.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling the need at this point just to put the cookies on the lowest shelf possible for the wife who\u2019s listening, who is saying, \u201cYou know, Shaunti, I hear everything you\u2019re saying.\u00a0 But you don\u2019t know my husband.\u00a0 He\u2019s been passive for years.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Uh huh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cAnd I\u2019ve given up hope.\u201d\u00a0 Is there something?\u00a0 And we can\u2019t make it a formula, because life isn\u2019t a formula.\u00a0 It\u2019s about the living God invading people\u2019s lives, invading a woman\u2019s life, and giving her the courage, the character, and the belief in her husband to call him out of that passivity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Even in her silence.\u00a0 How would you coach the woman who has heard all of this and said, \u201cI\u2019m losing hope in well-doing\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, there is a principle that has meant an awful lot to me and, I know, to a lot of women.\u00a0 It is that sometimes you have to make a one-sided choice.\u00a0 You have to be obedient to God first.\u00a0 Whether or not you feel like your husband is doing his part, you can do yours.\u00a0 If God is who He says He is, and if He has organized our lives so that they <em>work<\/em> in this way, then even though it may take longer than you want, you are making that one-sided choice and being obedient and doing what you need to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, if your husband has grown really passive and you may look at it and say, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Some of it is his personality, but some of it is that I did take the reins so many times that he\u2019s checked out.\u201d\u00a0 If you ever hear as a wife, \u201cI feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for you.\u201d\u00a0 Most women, if we\u2019ve heard that, it\u2019s like the kiss of death statement.\u00a0 That is a man who\u2019s feeling like a failure, and he has checked out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Should she apologize at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh my gosh!\u00a0 You know, once you realize this as a woman, it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, I had no idea.\u00a0 I just didn\u2019t see how big of a deal this was, and I didn\u2019t realize how much I was disrespecting you by taking the reins so many times.\u201d\u00a0 So, it may be that she has to make that choice over and over for awhile, and just be obedient to God.\u00a0 It may take awhile for him to feel like he can even experiment with <em>once<\/em> making a decision.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt that point, you as a wife have to kind of see it for what it is and be willing to sort of go against the flow for you and say, \u201cOK.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And celebrate the choice!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 And celebrate the choice \u2013 even if it\u2019s completely different than the one that you would have made.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe problem obviously comes because we don\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> like it.\u00a0 This is part of the study actually.\u00a0 This is part of what we talk about in <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em>.\u00a0 We are so used to, in this culture, saying that we feel a certain way so we do a certain thing.\u00a0 Instead, the way God has wired us is that our feelings actually follow our actions.\u00a0 If we will do something, eventually we\u2019re going to feel it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, the more that you will trust your husband, and stop yourself from criticizing him - force yourself to say nothing negative about him, for example. . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve had so many women say, \u201cWell I <em>don\u2019t <\/em>respect my husband.\u201d\u00a0 OK.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what you do:\u00a0 You literally don\u2019t say anything negative about him.\u00a0 Pick a month.\u00a0 Say, \u201cFor <em>this<\/em> month, I am going to not say anything negative about him; either to him or about him to somebody else.\u201d\u00a0 Then for the next month, find something you can affirm to him every day, and tell him so.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 You\u2019re going to find your feelings changing.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver and over, you\u2019re refusing to focus on the negative, and over and over, you\u2019re forcing yourself to focus on the positive.\u00a0 It\u2019s Philippians 4 in action.\u00a0 Paul says, \u201cRejoice.\u201d\u00a0 And he\u2019s in a prison!\u00a0 How do you do that?\u00a0 Well, you think on whatever is lovely, and you think on whatever is true and excellent and honorable.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the beginning, your life may feel like a prison.\u00a0 But you do this every day.\u00a0 You are not only going to be empowering your man to be the man he wants to be, you are also going to be changing your feelings.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wish I could take credit for that challenge of focusing on the positive, but actually I stole it from Nancy Leigh DeMoss.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(Laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here at FamilyLife a few years ago.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you steal from good sources!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You really do.\u00a0 You know, the exciting thing to me, and for women who are listening to our broadcast, I think, is that this material found in the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em> series is really going to bring, I think, the truth of Scripture in a practical way to the lives of single women, married women, moms, grandmothers. . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Women are going to find out they\u2019re not alone in the struggles they\u2019re facing, because a lot of women are struggling today in marriages like this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the things that I tell every woman is that if you don\u2019t believe this and you have a hard time dealing with what I\u2019ve been saying, then don\u2019t believe me.\u00a0 But just try it.\u00a0 Just try a couple of these things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reaction that you get, for example, from your husband is going to be the <em>best<\/em> possible incentive to continue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Honestly, you may not see that immediately, and you may get discouraged, but the reality is you need to stay with these kinds of priorities and doing these kinds of things because it\u2019s what God\u2019s called us to.\u00a0 Regardless of how that\u2019s working out and whether your husband affirms it or not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, most cases, I would think a guy would go, \u201cYeah. This is great.\u201d\u00a0 But, again, the reality is that you\u2019ve got to do what God is calling you to do and be the kind of wife and mother and woman that He\u2019s created you to be, even in the hard times.\u00a0 That\u2019s where I think it\u2019s helpful, if you\u2019re going through material like this with other women, and it is hard and things aren\u2019t going well. . . \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t. . . just to be able to share openly about what\u2019s going on.\u00a0 To get the support and the encouragement of the women you\u2019re going through the material with.\u00a0 This curriculum has been designed for women to go through together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out more about the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em> video series when you go online at <a href=\"http:\/\/www.familylifetoday.com\">www.familylifetoday.com<\/a>.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s familylifetoday.com, or call us toll-free at 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 It\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 When you call, ask about the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em> video series and we\u2019ll answer any questions you may have or make arrangements to get the series sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me also mention that Shaunti has written a book on the things we\u2019ve been talking about here called the <em>LifeReady Woman, <\/em>together with Dr. Robert Lewis.\u00a0 We\u2019re making the book available this week as a way of saying thank you to those of you who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are listener supported.\u00a0 This radio program is on the air because folks like you pitch in from time to time and say, \u201cWe want to make sure it stays on the air.\u00a0 We\u2019ll make a donation.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send you ten or twenty or fifty or a hundred dollars to help keep the program going.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate those of you who support the ministry like that.\u00a0 When you make a donation this week, we want to invite you to request a copy of the <em>LifeReady Woman <\/em>book by Shaunti Feldhahn and Robert Lewis.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re donating online at familylifetoday.com, type the word \u201cREADY\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form or if you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make the donation over the phone.\u00a0 Just ask for the <em>LifeReady Woman<\/em> book when you call.\u00a0 We\u2019ll send it to you.\u00a0 Again, we very much appreciate your support of this ministry and your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to encourage you to be back again with us tomorrow.\u00a0 Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s going to be here again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about where the parenting priority fits into a well-balanced life for a woman.\u00a0 That\u2019s coming up tomorrow.\u00a0 Hope you can be here for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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