{"id":302223,"date":"2011-02-23T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-02-23T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/abiding-by-the-boundaries\/"},"modified":"2011-02-23T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-02-23T17:00:00","slug":"abiding-by-the-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/abiding-by-the-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Abiding by the Boundaries"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Proverbs 22:3 states, \u201cThe sensible person sees danger and hides from it.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-02-23.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.21M","filesize_raw":"25387607","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2093],"tags":[4001],"podcast_series":[7790],"cwp_profile":[3160],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302223","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-women","tag-women","podcast_series-girls-gone-wise","cwp_profile-mary-kassian","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302223\/abiding-by-the-boundaries","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302223\/abiding-by-the-boundaries","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"DdnZ5Ra8eS\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/abiding-by-the-boundaries\/\">Abiding by the Boundaries<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/abiding-by-the-boundaries\/embed\/#?secret=DdnZ5Ra8eS\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Abiding by the Boundaries&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"DdnZ5Ra8eS\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-02-23.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-02-23.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s a little counsel for single women:\u00a0 It is neither wise nor attractive to be a clinger.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Mary Kassian.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 A friend of my young son came in and he just had this real woeful look on his face.\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Our friend won\u2019t be coming over tonight.\u00a0 He\u2019s got a bad case of CGS.\u201d\u00a0 And my youngest son looked at him and nodded really knowingly, and they\u2019re shaking their heads back and forth and looking real sad and disturbed about this.\u00a0 I said, \u201cCGS.\u00a0 What\u2019s CGS?\u201d\u00a0 And my son\u2019s friend, Warren, looked at me with this deadpan expression, and he says, \u201cClingy girlfriend syndrome.\u00a0 CGS, and he\u2019s got it bad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLifeToday<\/em> for Wednesday, February 23<sup>rd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 The Bible actually has a lot to say to both single women and married women about what wise womanhood looks like.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, I was talking to a dad the other day.\u00a0 He was taking his daughter to drop her off at the university.\u00a0 He and his wife were going to go through the orientation classes and then do the move-in thing.\u00a0 Take the 18-wheeler and get all the clothing and furniture and . . . . That was a joke, by the way.\u00a0 With a son \u2013 all you have to do with a son is just throw a couple of paper sacks full of stuff in the back seat of his car, but a young lady \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s the U-Haul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, no, no.\u00a0 It\u2019s the Mayflower moving.\u00a0 It\u2019s unbelievable.\u00a0 It\u2019s homesteading.\u00a0 Anyway, he was doing the homesteading thing with his daughter, and we were talking about what his daughter was walking into.\u00a0 It\u2019s a major university on the east coast and we were just talking about the live-in, the shacking up . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The culture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The culture that they\u2019re dealing with.\u00a0 We were just talking frankly about how he as a dad was getting ready to release his arrow.\u00a0 It was coming out of the quiver, and it was getting ready to be launched into a culture that really doesn\u2019t take any captives.\u00a0 It is seducing and really destroying a lot of lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember being on a campus visit with my daughter and I was asking about what were the rules in the dorm in terms of hours, you know, because I\u2019m used to boys\u2019 dorms and girls\u2019 dorms.\u00a0 I\u2019m from back in the old days, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I said, \u201cWhat are the rules?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget this young girl who was giving us the tour.\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, your first semester the guys have to be gone by one in the morning.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cAfter that, you just kind of work things out with your roommate.\u201d\u00a0 I thought, \u201cSo basically, what you\u2019re saying is that if my daughter\u2019s coming to college here, she needs to have some adjustments in how she\u2019s been living her life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 And we\u2019re going to talk with Mary Kassian today about boundaries, because I believe moms and dads first of all need to have them.\u00a0 They need to know what they\u2019re doing in terms of teaching them to their children, but secondly, they need to know how to equip a generation of young ladies to know how to truly have some hedges of protection built around them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMary, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thanks.\u00a0 Good to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s written a book called <em>Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild.<\/em>\u00a0 That\u2019s a mouthful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you know that this issue of boundaries is major counter-cultural.\u00a0 I mean, we\u2019ve got advertising campaigns that are all about doing life with no boundaries.\u00a0 That\u2019s the way to live, man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is counter-cultural.\u00a0 But you\u2019re correct as well.\u00a0 We need to start this boundaries business really, really at a young age, and have boundaries for ourselves as well; model what it is to have those boundaries.\u00a0 There has been a substantial change and there is this sense of aggressiveness.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI saw it for young girls that were pursuing my sons.\u00a0 There was a girl who was, even before cell phones, phoning, phoning, phoning, phoning, and she was just wanting to get his attention, and didn\u2019t like it that I didn\u2019t call him to the phone each time and took a message.\u00a0 Instead of calling my son to the phone at her request, I said, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 He\u2019ll get back to you when he chooses to get back to you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a verse in Proverbs chapter 22, verse 3 in which the wise writer there instructs his son that a sensible person sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.\u00a0 And so the whole thing about seeing danger, putting up a protective boundary \u2013 and when I say a protective boundary or a hedge, it\u2019s just like a simple rule that I follow in my life, that I\u2019m going to follow that\u2019s going to keep me from going down the wrong path and keep me from being in an environment where something might go the wrong direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So an example of a boundary would be \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 An example of a boundary would be Bob, I will not go for lunch by myself with you.\u00a0 Okay?\u00a0 I\u2019m going to have Dennis along.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to go for lunch in a group.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to put myself in a situation that dishonors my marriage, dishonors your marriage and puts us at risk for becoming inappropriately engaged with one another on a level that\u2019s inappropriate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And somebody says, \u201cNow, come on.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI mean, it\u2019s lunch.\u00a0 It\u2019s out in public.\u00a0 I mean, come on, Mary.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that a little tight?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know, I run into women all the time who end up going astray and getting embroiled in affairs, going the wrong direction, and they never quite can point out where they went wrong.\u00a0 They get themselves into situations where they are compromising their standards, where they\u2019re sinning against their husbands, and it all started way back when, when they didn\u2019t have a protective boundary and when they engaged with a man on a level that really didn\u2019t honor that boundary.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd yes, having lunch with you may \u2013 there\u2019s nothing wrong with that \u2013 but it just opens the door.\u00a0 It opens the door perhaps for me to share some things on a very personal, intimate level, for the relationship to deepen, for me to unburden \u2013 perhaps I\u2019m having some trouble with my husband, so I feel that I can tell you that, and all of a sudden there\u2019s an emotional connection.\u00a0 Your ego is stroked, and then it just can go the wrong direction.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo when I put a boundary up in my life, a hedge of protection, there\u2019s nothing in Scripture that says the boundary needs to be there, and yet it\u2019s just a choice, it\u2019s a wise choice to put up those boundaries.\u00a0 If you walk on fire, you\u2019re going to get burned.\u00a0 If you go to places that you ought not to be, then you just have a far greater likelihood of things going the wrong way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just finished a book for men, and it\u2019s interesting that you should have this in your book as well, because I tell the story in there \u2013 a true story \u2013 of a man and his wife who met a former high school sweetheart at lunch \u2013 a harmless deal.\u00a0 His wife was there, but she, his wife, stepped away from the meal for just a few moments to go to the restroom.\u00a0 And while she was gone, the other woman turned it on, made the invitation, made the connection, and my buddy almost took the bait.\u00a0 It took an accountability partner to ultimately get him out of and extracted from what could have destroyed his life, his marriage, and his family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, and I hear what you\u2019re saying.\u00a0 But you know folks are going, \u201cThis sounds like legalism.\u00a0 That\u2019s what it sounds like.\u00a0 You\u2019re putting rules up that aren\u2019t in the Bible and saying you shouldn\u2019t do it.\u201d\u00a0 So what\u2019s the difference between a boundary and legalism?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, a boundary \u2013 you get to choose your own boundaries.\u00a0 You cannot enforce boundaries on other people.\u00a0 Boundaries are just wise choices where you put up wise checks in your own life for yourself that protect you and also protect others.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a way of honoring.\u00a0 I honor your marriage by having a boundary.\u00a0 I honor your wife by having a boundary.\u00a0 Just those boundaries that keep us safe and keep us so that our relationship really can flourish at an appropriate level.\u00a0 Boundaries safeguard us, and they actually allow for better relationships, because they\u2019re within the correct parameters.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When girls are growing up, when they\u2019re 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 years old, all of this coming of age and becoming a young woman is about boundaries getting pulled down.\u00a0 Independence is the removal of boundaries at some level.\u00a0 So you\u2019ve got this natural tension between \u201cI\u2019m becoming an adult so I have more freedom than I\u2019ve ever had before, and now you\u2019re telling me I need to have boundaries in the midst of my freedom.\u00a0 It seems like a contradictory message.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, becoming an adult is all about making wise choices, and about putting the right kinds of \u2013 you know, making good choices and making that choice for myself.\u00a0 I make that choice for myself.\u00a0 It\u2019s a wise choice and I choose to live my life wisely.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI talk to college girls and I talked to one college girl and she had gone out to the bar and a guy had slipped a date-rape drug into her drink, and she had ended up being violated.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a tragic, tragic, tragic story, and she came back to the thing, \u201cI should have listened to my mom.\u00a0 I should not have gone to the bar.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo if she had had that boundary in place, that particular boundary, it would have protected her.\u00a0 It\u2019s just a protective thing.\u00a0 She was sinned against, it was obvious that that was a tragedy, but I talk to girls all the time.\u00a0 They go out with a guy and they go on a trip, an overnight trip.\u00a0 Well, you\u2019re opening yourself up to all sorts of things in that environment that, if you would have a protective boundary in place and not go there, then it wouldn\u2019t happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Plus you\u2019re sending a signal to a young man.\u00a0 I just think about a young lady who agrees to go on a trip with a man \u2013 what\u2019s he supposed to think?\u00a0 I mean, in this culture?\u00a0 And it reminds me \u2013 you mentioned the word \u2018wise\u2019 at least a half a dozen times as you\u2019ve been talking.\u00a0 We haven\u2019t quoted this verse in a while here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Bob. Ephesians 5:15 \u2013 \u201cLook carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time because the days are evil.\u00a0 Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWisdom is skill, godly skill in everyday living.\u00a0 What we must train our daughters and our sons to do around these issues of boundaries is teach them to have some hedges in place in advance of facing the issue.\u00a0 We have a resource here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> called <em>Passport to Purity.<\/em>\u00a0 I run into people all over the country who have taken \u2013 the father has taken the son away for a Friday night, all day Saturday getaway, where they hear some CDs about the opposite sex and about boundaries and about sex and about what happens to his body.\u00a0 And young ladies get away with their moms and talk about the same thing.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe real goal of that <em>Passport to Purity<\/em> experience is to help a twelve-year-old, 11-, 12-, 13-year-old develop some boundaries in advance of the issue that they\u2019re going to face.\u00a0 Because if you don\u2019t know what you believe before you face it, more than likely you\u2019re going to be a casualty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Can we talk about a different issue that you address in your book other than boundaries, because I was just curious about \u2013 you identify a malady common among young women today, the CGS \u2013 the syndrome.\u00a0 Can you talk about CGS?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 CGS.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And tell everybody how you first heard this term.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 How I first heard that term \u2013 A friend of my young son came in and he just had this real woeful look on his face.\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Our friend won\u2019t be coming over tonight.\u00a0 He\u2019s got a bad case of CGS.\u201d\u00a0 And my youngest son looked at him and nodded really knowingly, and they\u2019re shaking their heads back and forth and looking real sad and disturbed about this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cCGS?\u201d\u00a0 I thought it was like some sort of \u2013 I thought their friend was in the hospital with tubes sticking out of his body or something, really ill.\u00a0 I said, \u201cCGS?\u00a0 What\u2019s CGS?\u201d\u00a0 And my son\u2019s friend, Warren, looked at me with this deadpan expression, and he says, \u201cClingy girlfriend syndrome.\u00a0 CGS, and he\u2019s got it bad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just clinging to him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just clinging to him, like a piece of saran wrap to fresh meat.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And this brings up the whole issue of neediness, and you address this as one of the issues that separates a girl who has gone wild from a girl who has gone wise.\u00a0 We don\u2019t think of a girl being needy or clingy as being a wild girl, necessarily, do we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, actually a needy girl is a girl gone wild, because she\u2019s looking to men to affirm her and to give her her sense of identity, rather than being wise, and looking to the Lord for who she is and her sense of identity.\u00a0 So a wild thing is actually very needy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe needs to constantly have the attention of men, getting the attention of men, getting the affirmation of men, being in a relationship.\u00a0 She goes after guys and she wants to be in a relationship and she really feels uncomfortable if she\u2019s not in relationship, so she will go through a revolving door of relationships with men, and just have this sense of neediness where she\u2019s trying to get what she needs from a guy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd a girl that is that way before she gets married is often that way after she\u2019s married as well, and tries to get everything she needs from her husband, and looks to her husband for affirmation, and that he needs to be providing her every need, rather than looking to God for what she needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that clinginess \u2013 two things about it.\u00a0 One is, it\u2019s very unattractive to guys over the long term, right?\u00a0 And secondly, it will suck the life out of a relationship because a guy was never made to supply all that that young woman is asking that guy to supply.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 It does.\u00a0 It wears on the relationship.\u00a0 I mean at first it can be very flattering to a guy to be needed, but then it wears on him, and all of the demands.\u00a0 And what happens is after marriage, she ups the ante.\u00a0 It starts with the controlling and the manipulation and the nagging, and in trying to squeeze out of that relationship, out of her marriage relationship, things that she ought to be getting out of her relationship with the Lord.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You quote Martin Luther in your book.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWhatever you heart clings to and confides in, that is really your god.\u201d\u00a0 I like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re warning women about this, then, especially single women, because if they cling to a young man and perhaps end up snagging him, and as we\u2019ve talked about earlier, they turn out to be passive.\u00a0 They don\u2019t turn out to be a leader; they don\u2019t turn out to take responsibility for the relationship because maybe it was her clinginess that made him feel like he was needed, and that he really could be the one who met her needs.\u00a0 And it turns out in marriage you\u2019re not going to be able to meet every need of your spouse in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that goes both ways.\u00a0 I mean, you have some men who are very needy as well, and are constantly looking for affirmation from women.\u00a0 It is true \u2013 Scripture teaches us that really we need to draw our sense of worth from the Lord, and we need to turn to Him for that identity and for that purpose and for finding our sense of value, and not to try to suck that out of another human being.\u00a0 I tell women \u2013 there is no male on the face of this earth that can meet all the deepest needs of your heart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Some women just have this idea that \u201cIf I just find the right guy, if I\u2019m just in the right relationship, then it\u2019s going to work for me.\u00a0 If I can only find Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Right, then I\u2019ll be happy.\u201d\u00a0 But Scripture teaches us that it is the Lord that meets the needs of our heart, and it\u2019s to him that we need to turn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, somebody who is hearing this is thinking, \u201cWell now, wait.\u00a0 So should our relationship with one another be \u2018I don\u2019t need you at all?\u2019\u00a0 I mean, relationships are about what we give to one another, how we serve and love one another, so. . .\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How we complement one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 So, I don\u2019t want to be needy, but frankly, when I say to my wife, \u201cI need you,\u201d that\u2019s a good thing, isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well there is a healthy interdependence where we really serve each other and help each other and boost each other and become more.\u00a0 However, there is also a very unhealthy dependence in which I feel that I am nothing without you.\u00a0 So the Lord is who gives us value and worth, and when we find our worth in him, we can survive.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t matter what we go through; if the relationship breaks down, if the marriage tragically ends, if I lose my husband, I still have worth and value apart from that relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So if somebody says, as I would say, \u201cI need my wife because, as you have said, together Mary Ann and I are more than we are separately.\u201d\u00a0 But if I said, \u201cIf I lost my wife I wouldn\u2019t feel like I was worth anything anymore,\u201d or \u201cI couldn\u2019t be happy anymore,\u201d or \u2013 then all of a sudden the neediness has gotten into that unhealthy range, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It does get into that unhealthy range.\u00a0 I see girls who basically think, \u201cIf I don\u2019t have a guy, I\u2019m nothing.\u201d That\u2019s simply not true, and that\u2019s unhealthy and that leads to our CGS, clingy girlfriend syndrome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You speak at <em>True Woman<\/em> conferences all across the country.\u00a0 Bob and I speak at <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae <\/em>marriage getaways, and in these conferences you speak at and we speak at, there are always lines of people who stand in line to talk to you about their situation.\u00a0 What we\u2019re talking about here \u2013 this is the real deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is the real deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There are a lot of women in marriages today because it didn\u2019t start out a healthy relationship.\u00a0 It started out unhealthy, and the warning signs were there, they didn\u2019t pay attention to it.\u00a0 That\u2019s one of the things you\u2019re challenging young ladies to really be, is to be a woman of discernment --\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 -- a woman who\u2019s really paying attention to where her path is taking her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, to be a woman of discernment, to start that at a young age.\u00a0 <em>Girls Gone Wise<\/em> is really for high school girls, for college girls to, before they get into relationships, long-term marriage relationships, that they will really be wise about who they are and what they\u2019re looking for in a relationship, how to approach a relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the good news of the Gospel is always that there is power to change.\u00a0 God is in the business of restoration, and he\u2019s in the business of taking things that are broken, and even for women who have had marriages that are very difficult and that didn\u2019t start off on the right foot, and the patterns in the marriages are not what they ought to be, there is still hope.\u00a0 There is hope and healing in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Mary, I\u2019m just listening to you in light of the culture we\u2019re living in, and I just want to turn to the listener, whether it be male or female, and just say, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 The Bible has got it.\u00a0 Jesus Christ is the one who said, \u2018I have come that you might have life and that you might have it abundantly.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 In other words, if you exclude Christ, you\u2019re not only not going to have life, you\u2019re going to die.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that\u2019s really what\u2019s happening to a generation of young ladies today.\u00a0 They are listening to the drumbeat of the culture, they\u2019re conforming to the world thinking that\u2019s going to bring them happiness and satisfaction, but their souls were made for Christ.\u00a0 Their souls were made to be saturated with this book, the Bible.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMoms and dads have got to introduce the kids, they\u2019ve got to introduce their children to the God of this book and the living truth of this book as they raise them, because, I\u2019m going to tell you something, parents.\u00a0 This is a culture that is out to destroy your daughter and your son.\u00a0\u00a0 If you don\u2019t think that\u2019s the case, you just wait ten to fifteen years and you tell me.\u00a0 This is a life and death issue.\u00a0 We have to stand strong on the Scripture as never before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it has never been more urgent to be counter-cultural as parents.\u00a0 Mary, what you\u2019ve written in the book <em>Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild<\/em> is counter-cultural because it\u2019s biblical.\u00a0 We live in a culture where our understanding of what manhood and womanhood is supposed to be has not been shaped by the Bible but it\u2019s been shaped more often by our own flesh, our own desires, our own wants and our selfishness.\u00a0 That\u2019s why we need books like this, I think, to help give us a course correction in our own thinking, because we\u2019re getting bombarded with the other stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me encourage our listeners:\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Order a copy of <em>Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild<\/em> by Mary Kassian.\u00a0 Again, we\u2019ve got the book available at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to order at 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe think that this content is so important for moms and their daughters to listen to together, especially if you\u2019ve got teenage daughters, we want to send you the CDs of our conversation this week with Mary Kassian, two CDs with four programs on them that you can listen to again, listen to together.\u00a0 We\u2019re making those available to those of you who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> this week with a donation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and type the word \u2018WISE\u2019 in the key code box on the online donation form, and we\u2019ll send you these CDs.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY and make your donation by phone, and ask for the CDs with Mary Kassian.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to add in an additional CD when you contact us, and that\u2019s a conversation we had with one of your friends, Mary, Carolyn McCulley, who wrote the book <em>Radical Womanhood<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo again, make a donation either online or when you call 1-800-FLTODAY, and we\u2019ll get those CDs out to you.\u00a0 We hope they\u2019re helpful for you, and we hope you\u2019ll pass them on to somebody else when you\u2019re done listening to them, and help spread the word.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we want to encourage you to be back with us tomorrow.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to continue our conversation with Mary Kassian on what wise womanhood looks like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.21M"],"filesize_raw":["25387607"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302223.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302223.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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22:3 states, \u201cThe sensible person sees danger and hides from it.\u201d","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-02-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s a little counsel for single women:\u00a0 It is neither wise nor attractive to be a clinger.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Mary Kassian.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 A friend of my young son came in and he just had this real woeful look on his face.\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Our friend won\u2019t be coming over tonight.\u00a0 He\u2019s got a bad case of CGS.\u201d\u00a0 And my youngest son looked at him and nodded really knowingly, and they\u2019re shaking their heads back and forth and looking real sad and disturbed about this.\u00a0 I said, \u201cCGS.\u00a0 What\u2019s CGS?\u201d\u00a0 And my son\u2019s friend, Warren, looked at me with this deadpan expression, and he says, \u201cClingy girlfriend syndrome.\u00a0 CGS, and he\u2019s got it bad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLifeToday<\/em> for Wednesday, February 23<sup>rd<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 The Bible actually has a lot to say to both single women and married women about what wise womanhood looks like.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk about that today.\u00a0 Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Bob, I was talking to a dad the other day.\u00a0 He was taking his daughter to drop her off at the university.\u00a0 He and his wife were going to go through the orientation classes and then do the move-in thing.\u00a0 Take the 18-wheeler and get all the clothing and furniture and . . . . That was a joke, by the way.\u00a0 With a son \u2013 all you have to do with a son is just throw a couple of paper sacks full of stuff in the back seat of his car, but a young lady \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s the U-Haul.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 No, no, no.\u00a0 It\u2019s the Mayflower moving.\u00a0 It\u2019s unbelievable.\u00a0 It\u2019s homesteading.\u00a0 Anyway, he was doing the homesteading thing with his daughter, and we were talking about what his daughter was walking into.\u00a0 It\u2019s a major university on the east coast and we were just talking about the live-in, the shacking up . . .\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The culture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 The culture that they\u2019re dealing with.\u00a0 We were just talking frankly about how he as a dad was getting ready to release his arrow.\u00a0 It was coming out of the quiver, and it was getting ready to be launched into a culture that really doesn\u2019t take any captives.\u00a0 It is seducing and really destroying a lot of lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I remember being on a campus visit with my daughter and I was asking about what were the rules in the dorm in terms of hours, you know, because I\u2019m used to boys\u2019 dorms and girls\u2019 dorms.\u00a0 I\u2019m from back in the old days, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I said, \u201cWhat are the rules?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019ll never forget this young girl who was giving us the tour.\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, your first semester the guys have to be gone by one in the morning.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cAfter that, you just kind of work things out with your roommate.\u201d\u00a0 I thought, \u201cSo basically, what you\u2019re saying is that if my daughter\u2019s coming to college here, she needs to have some adjustments in how she\u2019s been living her life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 And we\u2019re going to talk with Mary Kassian today about boundaries, because I believe moms and dads first of all need to have them.\u00a0 They need to know what they\u2019re doing in terms of teaching them to their children, but secondly, they need to know how to equip a generation of young ladies to know how to truly have some hedges of protection built around them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMary, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thanks.\u00a0 Good to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 She\u2019s written a book called <em>Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild.<\/em>\u00a0 That\u2019s a mouthful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you know that this issue of boundaries is major counter-cultural.\u00a0 I mean, we\u2019ve got advertising campaigns that are all about doing life with no boundaries.\u00a0 That\u2019s the way to live, man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is counter-cultural.\u00a0 But you\u2019re correct as well.\u00a0 We need to start this boundaries business really, really at a young age, and have boundaries for ourselves as well; model what it is to have those boundaries.\u00a0 There has been a substantial change and there is this sense of aggressiveness.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI saw it for young girls that were pursuing my sons.\u00a0 There was a girl who was, even before cell phones, phoning, phoning, phoning, phoning, and she was just wanting to get his attention, and didn\u2019t like it that I didn\u2019t call him to the phone each time and took a message.\u00a0 Instead of calling my son to the phone at her request, I said, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 He\u2019ll get back to you when he chooses to get back to you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a verse in Proverbs chapter 22, verse 3 in which the wise writer there instructs his son that a sensible person sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.\u00a0 And so the whole thing about seeing danger, putting up a protective boundary \u2013 and when I say a protective boundary or a hedge, it\u2019s just like a simple rule that I follow in my life, that I\u2019m going to follow that\u2019s going to keep me from going down the wrong path and keep me from being in an environment where something might go the wrong direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So an example of a boundary would be \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 An example of a boundary would be Bob, I will not go for lunch by myself with you.\u00a0 Okay?\u00a0 I\u2019m going to have Dennis along.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to go for lunch in a group.\u00a0 I\u2019m not going to put myself in a situation that dishonors my marriage, dishonors your marriage and puts us at risk for becoming inappropriately engaged with one another on a level that\u2019s inappropriate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And somebody says, \u201cNow, come on.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI mean, it\u2019s lunch.\u00a0 It\u2019s out in public.\u00a0 I mean, come on, Mary.\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that a little tight?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know, I run into women all the time who end up going astray and getting embroiled in affairs, going the wrong direction, and they never quite can point out where they went wrong.\u00a0 They get themselves into situations where they are compromising their standards, where they\u2019re sinning against their husbands, and it all started way back when, when they didn\u2019t have a protective boundary and when they engaged with a man on a level that really didn\u2019t honor that boundary.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd yes, having lunch with you may \u2013 there\u2019s nothing wrong with that \u2013 but it just opens the door.\u00a0 It opens the door perhaps for me to share some things on a very personal, intimate level, for the relationship to deepen, for me to unburden \u2013 perhaps I\u2019m having some trouble with my husband, so I feel that I can tell you that, and all of a sudden there\u2019s an emotional connection.\u00a0 Your ego is stroked, and then it just can go the wrong direction.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo when I put a boundary up in my life, a hedge of protection, there\u2019s nothing in Scripture that says the boundary needs to be there, and yet it\u2019s just a choice, it\u2019s a wise choice to put up those boundaries.\u00a0 If you walk on fire, you\u2019re going to get burned.\u00a0 If you go to places that you ought not to be, then you just have a far greater likelihood of things going the wrong way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just finished a book for men, and it\u2019s interesting that you should have this in your book as well, because I tell the story in there \u2013 a true story \u2013 of a man and his wife who met a former high school sweetheart at lunch \u2013 a harmless deal.\u00a0 His wife was there, but she, his wife, stepped away from the meal for just a few moments to go to the restroom.\u00a0 And while she was gone, the other woman turned it on, made the invitation, made the connection, and my buddy almost took the bait.\u00a0 It took an accountability partner to ultimately get him out of and extracted from what could have destroyed his life, his marriage, and his family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, and I hear what you\u2019re saying.\u00a0 But you know folks are going, \u201cThis sounds like legalism.\u00a0 That\u2019s what it sounds like.\u00a0 You\u2019re putting rules up that aren\u2019t in the Bible and saying you shouldn\u2019t do it.\u201d\u00a0 So what\u2019s the difference between a boundary and legalism?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, a boundary \u2013 you get to choose your own boundaries.\u00a0 You cannot enforce boundaries on other people.\u00a0 Boundaries are just wise choices where you put up wise checks in your own life for yourself that protect you and also protect others.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a way of honoring.\u00a0 I honor your marriage by having a boundary.\u00a0 I honor your wife by having a boundary.\u00a0 Just those boundaries that keep us safe and keep us so that our relationship really can flourish at an appropriate level.\u00a0 Boundaries safeguard us, and they actually allow for better relationships, because they\u2019re within the correct parameters.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When girls are growing up, when they\u2019re 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 years old, all of this coming of age and becoming a young woman is about boundaries getting pulled down.\u00a0 Independence is the removal of boundaries at some level.\u00a0 So you\u2019ve got this natural tension between \u201cI\u2019m becoming an adult so I have more freedom than I\u2019ve ever had before, and now you\u2019re telling me I need to have boundaries in the midst of my freedom.\u00a0 It seems like a contradictory message.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, becoming an adult is all about making wise choices, and about putting the right kinds of \u2013 you know, making good choices and making that choice for myself.\u00a0 I make that choice for myself.\u00a0 It\u2019s a wise choice and I choose to live my life wisely.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI talk to college girls and I talked to one college girl and she had gone out to the bar and a guy had slipped a date-rape drug into her drink, and she had ended up being violated.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a tragic, tragic, tragic story, and she came back to the thing, \u201cI should have listened to my mom.\u00a0 I should not have gone to the bar.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo if she had had that boundary in place, that particular boundary, it would have protected her.\u00a0 It\u2019s just a protective thing.\u00a0 She was sinned against, it was obvious that that was a tragedy, but I talk to girls all the time.\u00a0 They go out with a guy and they go on a trip, an overnight trip.\u00a0 Well, you\u2019re opening yourself up to all sorts of things in that environment that, if you would have a protective boundary in place and not go there, then it wouldn\u2019t happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Plus you\u2019re sending a signal to a young man.\u00a0 I just think about a young lady who agrees to go on a trip with a man \u2013 what\u2019s he supposed to think?\u00a0 I mean, in this culture?\u00a0 And it reminds me \u2013 you mentioned the word \u2018wise\u2019 at least a half a dozen times as you\u2019ve been talking.\u00a0 We haven\u2019t quoted this verse in a while here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Bob. Ephesians 5:15 \u2013 \u201cLook carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time because the days are evil.\u00a0 Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWisdom is skill, godly skill in everyday living.\u00a0 What we must train our daughters and our sons to do around these issues of boundaries is teach them to have some hedges in place in advance of facing the issue.\u00a0 We have a resource here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> called <em>Passport to Purity.<\/em>\u00a0 I run into people all over the country who have taken \u2013 the father has taken the son away for a Friday night, all day Saturday getaway, where they hear some CDs about the opposite sex and about boundaries and about sex and about what happens to his body.\u00a0 And young ladies get away with their moms and talk about the same thing.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe real goal of that <em>Passport to Purity<\/em> experience is to help a twelve-year-old, 11-, 12-, 13-year-old develop some boundaries in advance of the issue that they\u2019re going to face.\u00a0 Because if you don\u2019t know what you believe before you face it, more than likely you\u2019re going to be a casualty.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Can we talk about a different issue that you address in your book other than boundaries, because I was just curious about \u2013 you identify a malady common among young women today, the CGS \u2013 the syndrome.\u00a0 Can you talk about CGS?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 CGS.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And tell everybody how you first heard this term.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 How I first heard that term \u2013 A friend of my young son came in and he just had this real woeful look on his face.\u00a0 He said, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Our friend won\u2019t be coming over tonight.\u00a0 He\u2019s got a bad case of CGS.\u201d\u00a0 And my youngest son looked at him and nodded really knowingly, and they\u2019re shaking their heads back and forth and looking real sad and disturbed about this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cCGS?\u201d\u00a0 I thought it was like some sort of \u2013 I thought their friend was in the hospital with tubes sticking out of his body or something, really ill.\u00a0 I said, \u201cCGS?\u00a0 What\u2019s CGS?\u201d\u00a0 And my son\u2019s friend, Warren, looked at me with this deadpan expression, and he says, \u201cClingy girlfriend syndrome.\u00a0 CGS, and he\u2019s got it bad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just clinging to him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Just clinging to him, like a piece of saran wrap to fresh meat.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And this brings up the whole issue of neediness, and you address this as one of the issues that separates a girl who has gone wild from a girl who has gone wise.\u00a0 We don\u2019t think of a girl being needy or clingy as being a wild girl, necessarily, do we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, actually a needy girl is a girl gone wild, because she\u2019s looking to men to affirm her and to give her her sense of identity, rather than being wise, and looking to the Lord for who she is and her sense of identity.\u00a0 So a wild thing is actually very needy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe needs to constantly have the attention of men, getting the attention of men, getting the affirmation of men, being in a relationship.\u00a0 She goes after guys and she wants to be in a relationship and she really feels uncomfortable if she\u2019s not in relationship, so she will go through a revolving door of relationships with men, and just have this sense of neediness where she\u2019s trying to get what she needs from a guy.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd a girl that is that way before she gets married is often that way after she\u2019s married as well, and tries to get everything she needs from her husband, and looks to her husband for affirmation, and that he needs to be providing her every need, rather than looking to God for what she needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that clinginess \u2013 two things about it.\u00a0 One is, it\u2019s very unattractive to guys over the long term, right?\u00a0 And secondly, it will suck the life out of a relationship because a guy was never made to supply all that that young woman is asking that guy to supply.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\u00a0 It does.\u00a0 It wears on the relationship.\u00a0 I mean at first it can be very flattering to a guy to be needed, but then it wears on him, and all of the demands.\u00a0 And what happens is after marriage, she ups the ante.\u00a0 It starts with the controlling and the manipulation and the nagging, and in trying to squeeze out of that relationship, out of her marriage relationship, things that she ought to be getting out of her relationship with the Lord.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You quote Martin Luther in your book.\u00a0 He said, \u201cWhatever you heart clings to and confides in, that is really your god.\u201d\u00a0 I like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re warning women about this, then, especially single women, because if they cling to a young man and perhaps end up snagging him, and as we\u2019ve talked about earlier, they turn out to be passive.\u00a0 They don\u2019t turn out to be a leader; they don\u2019t turn out to take responsibility for the relationship because maybe it was her clinginess that made him feel like he was needed, and that he really could be the one who met her needs.\u00a0 And it turns out in marriage you\u2019re not going to be able to meet every need of your spouse in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that goes both ways.\u00a0 I mean, you have some men who are very needy as well, and are constantly looking for affirmation from women.\u00a0 It is true \u2013 Scripture teaches us that really we need to draw our sense of worth from the Lord, and we need to turn to Him for that identity and for that purpose and for finding our sense of value, and not to try to suck that out of another human being.\u00a0 I tell women \u2013 there is no male on the face of this earth that can meet all the deepest needs of your heart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Some women just have this idea that \u201cIf I just find the right guy, if I\u2019m just in the right relationship, then it\u2019s going to work for me.\u00a0 If I can only find Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Right, then I\u2019ll be happy.\u201d\u00a0 But Scripture teaches us that it is the Lord that meets the needs of our heart, and it\u2019s to him that we need to turn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, somebody who is hearing this is thinking, \u201cWell now, wait.\u00a0 So should our relationship with one another be \u2018I don\u2019t need you at all?\u2019\u00a0 I mean, relationships are about what we give to one another, how we serve and love one another, so. . .\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How we complement one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 So, I don\u2019t want to be needy, but frankly, when I say to my wife, \u201cI need you,\u201d that\u2019s a good thing, isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well there is a healthy interdependence where we really serve each other and help each other and boost each other and become more.\u00a0 However, there is also a very unhealthy dependence in which I feel that I am nothing without you.\u00a0 So the Lord is who gives us value and worth, and when we find our worth in him, we can survive.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t matter what we go through; if the relationship breaks down, if the marriage tragically ends, if I lose my husband, I still have worth and value apart from that relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So if somebody says, as I would say, \u201cI need my wife because, as you have said, together Mary Ann and I are more than we are separately.\u201d\u00a0 But if I said, \u201cIf I lost my wife I wouldn\u2019t feel like I was worth anything anymore,\u201d or \u201cI couldn\u2019t be happy anymore,\u201d or \u2013 then all of a sudden the neediness has gotten into that unhealthy range, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It does get into that unhealthy range.\u00a0 I see girls who basically think, \u201cIf I don\u2019t have a guy, I\u2019m nothing.\u201d That\u2019s simply not true, and that\u2019s unhealthy and that leads to our CGS, clingy girlfriend syndrome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You speak at <em>True Woman<\/em> conferences all across the country.\u00a0 Bob and I speak at <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae <\/em>marriage getaways, and in these conferences you speak at and we speak at, there are always lines of people who stand in line to talk to you about their situation.\u00a0 What we\u2019re talking about here \u2013 this is the real deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 It is the real deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There are a lot of women in marriages today because it didn\u2019t start out a healthy relationship.\u00a0 It started out unhealthy, and the warning signs were there, they didn\u2019t pay attention to it.\u00a0 That\u2019s one of the things you\u2019re challenging young ladies to really be, is to be a woman of discernment --\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 -- a woman who\u2019s really paying attention to where her path is taking her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Mary:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, to be a woman of discernment, to start that at a young age.\u00a0 <em>Girls Gone Wise<\/em> is really for high school girls, for college girls to, before they get into relationships, long-term marriage relationships, that they will really be wise about who they are and what they\u2019re looking for in a relationship, how to approach a relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the good news of the Gospel is always that there is power to change.\u00a0 God is in the business of restoration, and he\u2019s in the business of taking things that are broken, and even for women who have had marriages that are very difficult and that didn\u2019t start off on the right foot, and the patterns in the marriages are not what they ought to be, there is still hope.\u00a0 There is hope and healing in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Mary, I\u2019m just listening to you in light of the culture we\u2019re living in, and I just want to turn to the listener, whether it be male or female, and just say, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 The Bible has got it.\u00a0 Jesus Christ is the one who said, \u2018I have come that you might have life and that you might have it abundantly.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 In other words, if you exclude Christ, you\u2019re not only not going to have life, you\u2019re going to die.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that\u2019s really what\u2019s happening to a generation of young ladies today.\u00a0 They are listening to the drumbeat of the culture, they\u2019re conforming to the world thinking that\u2019s going to bring them happiness and satisfaction, but their souls were made for Christ.\u00a0 Their souls were made to be saturated with this book, the Bible.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMoms and dads have got to introduce the kids, they\u2019ve got to introduce their children to the God of this book and the living truth of this book as they raise them, because, I\u2019m going to tell you something, parents.\u00a0 This is a culture that is out to destroy your daughter and your son.\u00a0\u00a0 If you don\u2019t think that\u2019s the case, you just wait ten to fifteen years and you tell me.\u00a0 This is a life and death issue.\u00a0 We have to stand strong on the Scripture as never before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it has never been more urgent to be counter-cultural as parents.\u00a0 Mary, what you\u2019ve written in the book <em>Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild<\/em> is counter-cultural because it\u2019s biblical.\u00a0 We live in a culture where our understanding of what manhood and womanhood is supposed to be has not been shaped by the Bible but it\u2019s been shaped more often by our own flesh, our own desires, our own wants and our selfishness.\u00a0 That\u2019s why we need books like this, I think, to help give us a course correction in our own thinking, because we\u2019re getting bombarded with the other stuff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me encourage our listeners:\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Order a copy of <em>Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild<\/em> by Mary Kassian.\u00a0 Again, we\u2019ve got the book available at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to order at 1-800-FLTODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe think that this content is so important for moms and their daughters to listen to together, especially if you\u2019ve got teenage daughters, we want to send you the CDs of our conversation this week with Mary Kassian, two CDs with four programs on them that you can listen to again, listen to together.\u00a0 We\u2019re making those available to those of you who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> this week with a donation.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and type the word \u2018WISE\u2019 in the key code box on the online donation form, and we\u2019ll send you these CDs.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY and make your donation by phone, and ask for the CDs with Mary Kassian.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to add in an additional CD when you contact us, and that\u2019s a conversation we had with one of your friends, Mary, Carolyn McCulley, who wrote the book <em>Radical Womanhood<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo again, make a donation either online or when you call 1-800-FLTODAY, and we\u2019ll get those CDs out to you.\u00a0 We hope they\u2019re helpful for you, and we hope you\u2019ll pass them on to somebody else when you\u2019re done listening to them, and help spread the word.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we want to encourage you to be back with us tomorrow.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to continue our conversation with Mary Kassian on what wise womanhood looks like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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