{"id":302211,"date":"2011-02-10T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-02-10T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/part-1\/"},"modified":"2011-02-10T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-02-10T17:00:00","slug":"part-1","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you want to minister more effectively to your wife?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-02-10.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.71M","filesize_raw":"25910108","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2901],"tags":[4868],"podcast_series":[7787],"cwp_profile":[9070],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302211","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-husbands","tag-husband","podcast_series-ten-questions-every-husband-should-ask-his-wife","cwp_profile-tom-elliff","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302211\/part-1","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302211\/part-1","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"OSjXLwfICU\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/part-1\/\">Part 1<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/part-1\/embed\/#?secret=OSjXLwfICU\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Part 1&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"OSjXLwfICU\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-02-10.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-02-10.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When was the last time your marriage had a checkup?\u00a0 Here's Pastor Tom Elliff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Every year we try to take time to get away just alone.\u00a0 We do this a couple of times a year.\u00a0 Several years ago we were in Colorado staying in a beautiful lodge, and we were talking about our relationship and the fact that we've been married several years, and we were looking out across the future, we wanted to grow deeper in our intimacy with each other.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe sat at a table where we could look at the mountains, and we ate Belgian waffles, and I said, \"I want to ask you ten questions, but you must promise that you will answer them honestly.\u00a0 Also let me just say that this is my time to ask you questions, not your time to ask me questions.\u00a0 I want to hear your heart.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, February 10th.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll hear today from one husband about how he tries to live with his wife in an understanding way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 You know, it did take us a while before we could pull all of this together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEarly on when we had just started <em>FamilyLife Today,<\/em> we contacted as one of our guests Jim Elliff, who came on our program to talk about how parents can effectively communicate the message of the gospel to their children, and how to know whether your children have really made a genuine profession of faith in Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then it was a little while later that we had Jim\u2019s brother, Bill, join us as a guest.\u00a0 He shared about his family\u2019s history and how the whole family had ultimately been reconciled with his father after a period of a break, a separation.\u00a0 But it took a little longer before we were able to fully complete the Elliff circle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, at least on the male side, because there are three brothers and a sister.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 One sister.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And we don't have \u2013 and we haven't gotten her on the broadcast yet, but Tom and Jeannie Elliff join us on the broadcast.\u00a0 Tom, Jeannie, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Thank you, Dennis, we\u2019re glad to be here \u2013 Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Tom and Jeannie hail from Dell City, Oklahoma.\u00a0 Tom is a former missionary to Zimbabwe and also was the President of the Southern Baptist Convention.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other day Tom and I were talking on the phone, and he shared with me something.\u00a0 I said, \"You've got to come over from Oklahoma City, and you've got to share that with our listeners, because we are committed to helping our listeners where it matters most, and that's winning in their relationships at home with their spouses.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTom, you shared with me that there are ten questions that you ask Jeannie that let you know how she's doing spiritually and that assist you as you are her spiritual leader, protector, the guide in assisting her to grow spiritually.\u00a0 Now, how important are these ten questions we're about to go over here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, I think they're incredibly important, Dennis.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, in the car driving down here, I said, \"Jeannie, we better go over these again just to make sure how we're doing,\" and she gave me an A-, I think, on one or two of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 But I think they're tremendously important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0How did these ten questions all come about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Every year we try to take time to get away just alone.\u00a0 We do this a couple of times a year, and several years ago we were in Colorado, staying in a beautiful lodge which some friends of ours made available to us up in Dillon, and we were talking about our relationship and the fact that, you know, we've been married several years, and we were looking out across the future, we wanted to grow deeper in our intimacy with each other.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo the next morning I said, \"Jeannie, come on with me,\u201d and hand in hand we walked up to our favorite \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Honey, you wouldn't let me bring anything.\u00a0 I couldn't bring my Bible, my planner, I couldn't bring anything, and I was puzzled.\u00a0 I thought, \"Where are we\" \u2013 we walked up the hill to have breakfast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right, she was scared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I thought, \"What's happening here?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You were wondering where he was taking you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, my wife, without her Bible or planner, you know, that is like being without the basic essentials.\u00a0 Shoes, maybe yes \u2013 but planner?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 So she said, \"What in the world is goin' on?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe sat at a table where we could look at the mountains, and we ate Belgian waffles, and I said, \"I want to ask you ten questions, but you must promise that you will answer them honestly and, also, let me just say that this is my time to ask you questions, not your time to ask me questions.\u00a0 I want to hear your heart.\u00a0 That's what I was after \u2013 her heart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>Okay, before you go further on the story \u2013 what did you think at that point, Jeannie?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, the first thing that crossed my mind, I was tremendously honored that he wanted to know what I felt, and I was just almost blown away.\u00a0 It was wonderful.\u00a0 Already I was excited.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Are these questions that had come to you in the night, and you'd gotten up and written 'em down?\u00a0 How did it all come about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Over a period of time, Bob.\u00a0 They really had come to me, sometimes when I was praying, sometimes after a discussion with Jeannie.\u00a0 There were issues I could hear in her tone of voice or in our conversations, which were of concern to her, and I felt like I really had not heard all she had to say about these issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Have these ten questions changed over the years, or is this the original ten you asked straight out of the chute?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0These are the original ten questions right out of the chute.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, Dennis, here's a man who is a student of his wife.\u00a0 Most of us, as guys, are going so fast at whatever objective we've got in front of us that we're not even sensitive to the changes that are going on in our wife's life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, we have basically one question \u2013 are you doin' okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We don't stop to ask the piercing questions that can truly tell us how her heart is.\u00a0 I found it instructive as I talked with Tom over the phone, that he developed these questions, really, based upon listening to his wife over a number of years.\u00a0 Now, you've been married how long when you developed this list?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, my goodness, honey, how long have we been married now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, it's been about five or six years ago that you asked these questions, so it would have been around 30 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Okay, we've got to get to these questions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes, the list of ten.\u00a0 I've got my pencil out, my paper ready, is it okay for me to plagiarize questions?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0I'm not going to start with number ten and build back up to one.\u00a0 We'll just go right through them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Question number one \u2013 what could I do to cause you to feel more loved?\u00a0 You think, \"Oh, I know what I want you to do \u2013 whisk me away to some romantic hideaway, you know.\"\u00a0 I guess I better just go ahead and tell 'em what you said.\u00a0 She said \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No, let's let her tell us what she said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I don't remember all of 'em.\u00a0 He remembers it better than I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, you know, I had all these romantic visions in my head.\u00a0 She said, \"You know, I really would like it, when we're in public, for you always to pull my chair out for me.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\"Wow\", I thought, \"That's not a romantic hideaway.\u00a0 This is not where we're headed here.\u00a0 This is something else for me to do.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You guys speak different love languages, don\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, you know, that's the truth.\u00a0 This is a wake-up call to me.\u00a0 I've considered myself a fairly polite person, but we had been in some huge crowds in recent weeks, you know, surrounding that time.\u00a0 I'd been pulled away with one group, and she'd be pulled away with another group.\u00a0 And we'd get back together, and we'd be racing off to another meeting.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think I\u2019d let some of my comportment slip a little bit, and she said, you know, \"I want to know that you know I am here in the midst of all these other people,\" I think this is what she was saying.\u00a0 Isn't that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0I want to know that you know that I'm here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jeannie, you had to feel safe and secure to be able to even \u2013 I mean, that doesn't sound very threatening, but a lot of husbands would hear something like that from their wives, and they'd start to get defensive, and they'd start to go, \"Well, now, wait, you know,\" \u2013 and they'd back pedal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right, but I knew from the beginning of this experience that we shared there in that restaurant that this was a serious thing to him.\u00a0 He was going to really listen to me.\u00a0 I knew this was not, \"Honey, listen to me.\"\u00a0 \"Huh?\"\u00a0 This was a real occasion that was different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, well, that's question number one.\u00a0 Number two?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0So no romantic hideaway, just a chair, okay.\u00a0 Well, boy \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You threw the list away at that time, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, yeah, you know, I had the motel reservations made, you know \u2013 chairs are easy.\u00a0 All right, number two, what could I do to cause you to feel more respected?\u00a0 And, by the way, let me just go ahead and ask number three with that \u2013 what could I do to cause you to feel more understood?\u00a0 And her answer was, you know, \"Let me know you are really listening to me when I'm speaking.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeannie is not a talker in the sense of chattering away all the time, and I think during that period of time in our life, like I say, I had grown tremendously busy, and I had started doing something which she didn't particularly appreciate, and I don't think I would, either, if I'd seen it in her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe would be talking, and I would say, \"Mm-hm, yeah,\" and sometimes she'd say, \"Did you really hear what I was just saying?\"\u00a0 I would have to confess to her, \"Excuse me, can you say that again?\"\u00a0 She wanted to know that I was listening to her, I respected her opinion, and I really understood what she was saying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It happened last night.\u00a0 I was opening the mail, Barbara was talking, and I was trying to do both at the same time, and I succeeded in opening the mail but failed on the other part.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, Dennis, when our children were all at home growing up, we did two or three things that I think really helped us.\u00a0 Perhaps at this time of our lives, with all of our kids gone, we have slipped a little bit in this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne thing we did, we always had breakfast, just always, at 7:00 in the morning, to give a little anchor for our family and, of course, with our schedule sometimes, the evening times we're not so easy to get ahold of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecondly, Jeannie and I would get up early, early in the morning to have our own time with the Lord.\u00a0 I mean, separately.\u00a0 But we met every morning at 6:00 \u2013 from 6 until 6:30, and at that time I knew that I had her undivided attention.\u00a0 She knew that she had my undivided attention, our children all knew that we were discussing the issues that they had asked us to discuss.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe didn't have any formal agenda.\u00a0 We just talked, and then we prayed, after which I'd go get dressed for work and she would go get breakfast for us, and I think this was her heart cry.\u00a0 She was saying, \"I know the kids are gone, but that doesn't mean that we don't need to keep on meeting, keep on talking, and knowing that at the beginning of the day we have each other's undivided attention.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Boy, husbands have got to let their wives know that they're listening, that they care.\u00a0 I've been in the same situation.\u00a0 On the phone with my wife, distracted by something else, and in the middle of the conversation, she'll just go, \"Well, goodbye.\"\u00a0 And I'll go, \"What, what?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe says, \"If you want to talk, we'll talk.\"\u00a0 And it's a mild rebuke to remind me, \"If you're here to talk to me, let's talk.\u00a0 If you're distracted by other things, find a time when you are interested in me and call me back.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, or the new one is this \u2013 \"Do I ride to church with you or are you going to be on your cell phone all the time?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Hoooooo-hooo-hooo-hooo.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hello.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0I'm sorry about this, guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, or listening to voice mail?\u00a0 I mean, I've had to put it aside and not do it.\u00a0 Barbara sees it as a competitor for our relationship.\u00a0 Now, there may be a man who is listening right now, Jeannie, who just needs to hear from another woman why this thing of listening and seeking to understand her is so important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, of course, I think there has to be a balance.\u00a0 I think I have to understand him, also.\u00a0 I know he has pressures and needs, and I need to be wise about my conversation with him.\u00a0 I don't need to just chatter on about whatever \u2013 things that he really might not be interested in.\u00a0 But it is wonderful, it is absolutely wonderful, when you realize he looks right at you and says, \"Oh, I understand.\u00a0 Oh, that was hard, wasn't it?\"\u00a0 He really sees what's happening in your life, and that's a wonderful experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, question number four.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0What could I do to cause you to feel more secure?\u00a0 I was really surprised at her answer.\u00a0 I thought she might talk in terms of our relationship, but I think Jeannie has always felt very secure in our relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said, \"You're traveling a lot these days.\u00a0 And she said, \"I want an alarm system on the house.\"\u00a0 It was not time for me to give her the lecture, \"Unless the Lord keep the house, the watchman waketh but in vain.\"\u00a0 She wanted an alarm system for the house.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, you know, our dog had died, you know, life begins when the kids go away to school and the dog dies \u2013 and so the dog had died, and the kids were away at school, and she said, \"I'm at home, and no one is there.\u00a0 I want an alarm system.\"\u00a0 By the way, within the week we had the alarm system installed, and after a few false starts, she knew that it was set.\u00a0 By the way, it is the alarm system that failed to notify the fire department when our house burned down, but that's okay.\u00a0 She still felt secure, and \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wasn't there.\u00a0 I was secure someplace else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, but that\u2019s what's at the root of all of this.\u00a0 Your husband signed on to be your protector.\u00a0 When he's not there you want to know what provisions he's made to be your protector, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right, exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And 1 John, chapter 4, says, \"Perfect love casts out all fear,\" and if our wives are afraid some something, then we need to tend to those matters that cause them to be afraid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 Could I add something to that, Dennis?\u00a0 I think it's also secure in the things that can invade the home by invitation \u2013 television programs \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2013 movies \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 I had a lady tell me one time, she said, \"You know, when my husband watches TV, you know what I watch?\u00a0 I watch my husband watch TV.\u00a0 He sits there with the power bar in his hand and runs through the channels, and I wonder, \u2018What's he looking for? And sometimes when I see what he's looking for, I don't feel secure.\u2019\"\u00a0 And so security has a lot to do with a lot more than just an alarm system, but that was what Jeannie wanted, and I wanted to accommodate that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there's physical security, there's emotional security, and there's spiritual security, and the wise husband is paying attention to all of those.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Exactly.\u00a0\u00a0 Well, question number five \u2013 what can I do to help you feel more confident in our future direction?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt occurred to me that now with the children gone out of the home and all the things that we have on the plate before us, different opportunities, that we really had no sense of direction as a family.\u00a0 We were just taking things as they came and doing whatever we felt like doing and going on down the road without being headed anywhere in particular, except just on a journey through life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI felt like Jeannie has this sense that, \"I want to know where we're headed?\u00a0 I want to know \u2013 where are we going to be ten years from now?\"\u00a0 And it's not necessarily that we have to have this businessman's PERT chart out in front of us, but she was really interested in this, and I think we talked about this just about as much as anything we discussed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Last night we had dinner together, and Tom is such a resource, Bob, that I turned to him at one point and I said to him, \"Tom, you're now in that phase \u2013 in the season of life, as a man, that you would be considered a patriarch.\u00a0 What do you believe are the essential elements of being a patriarch?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \"Excuse me.\"\u00a0 And he left for a few moments, and came back, and he had three points, okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0He's been preaching sermons too long.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He has.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 At least he didn't alliterate them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Give him time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But, frankly, I believe he's got ten points here about how a man is the patriarch in caring for his family, and he's telling us here how a man does that by virtue of these ten questions.\u00a0 He is, in essence, being your spiritual leader, your protector, and a visionary for where you're headed for the rest of your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0She wanted to know how we were going to relate to our children and grandchildren.\u00a0 We talked about what we were going to do with that phase of our life when I might be something other than a pastor.\u00a0 How are we going to plug into our children's lives, our grandchildren's lives?\u00a0 Spiritually, what will we do?\u00a0 How much time will we spend with them?\u00a0 And those were questions she had about our future direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0And, you know, Dennis, again, there's a wife's perspective.\u00a0 A husband is oftentimes looking outward and saying what ministry opportunities are we going to be doing or what business opportunities, what advancement is there still, what significance is there still in life?\u00a0 And a mom, a grandmother, is saying, \"How are we going to stay relationally connected with our children and our grandchildren?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was a big wake-up call for me, honestly.\u00a0 Jeannie is so verbally oriented as a lady.\u00a0 Guys I've found are more interested in impressions, you know, they say, \"Well, I meant\" \u2013 and ladies say, \"But you said,\" \"This is what you said,\" and, you know, a guy looks at a headline and says \"There's an earthquake in Brazil,\" and just pops off, \"I wonder what it would be like to live in Brazil?\"\u00a0 Well, he really doesn't care, you know.\u00a0 In the meantime, his wife's heart stops, and she wonders, \"Should I put this cup up here, or am I going to have to pack it?\u00a0 Are we moving to Brazil?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so she really had a lot to say about this future direction that we have, didn't you, Jeannie?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I did, and another thing that crossed my mind just now, even though men sometimes have business plans, ministry plans outside the home, the thing that really, really means a lot to them is their family.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAn illustration of that is just a few weeks ago we got a letter from one of our son-in-laws that lives in Texas.\u00a0 It was an incredible encouragement to Tom, and he called me from the church and read it to me and wept.\u00a0 It was just wonderful, and his relationship with that son-in-law is so good, and that's what meant so much to him, is that relationship with that son-in-law.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But oftentimes, Dennis, it takes a wife and a mom to pull us back there as men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I've just listened as Tom shared Jeannie's dreams about the future.\u00a0 She was calling him back to those family anchors and say, \"We're not done.\"\u00a0 I think a lot of folks move into the empty nest, and they think their assignment is over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it's not over 'til it's over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And it isn't over.\u00a0 In fact, your role I think moves to another level of significance, and that's what Jeannie, in her wisdom, was calling you to as a couple and why it was so important to her as the nurturer and the mom of this clan of now 12 grandchildren and four children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 And hopefully more on the way \u2013 grandchildren.\u00a0 Last night \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 don't forget Abraham.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0-- well, that's right.\u00a0 I mentioned last night that I thought part of the role of patriarch was to make sure that you could always pray for your children, that you and your wife were always in a relationship so that you could instantly pray for your children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think one of the ways that our utility increases with age, not decreases or diminishes, but right at the very last day we live that could be our most useful day is through our prayers, because prayers \u2013\u00a0 really \u2013 that's the work for our children, for our grandchildren, for ministries, period.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA lot of people say, \"Well, you know, I'm getting old, I guess I'm sort of useless.\u201d\u00a0 No, you have time to do the most important work if you can pray.\u00a0 So we need to be doing that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and I think that the question that you ask about what can I do to make you more secure about our future, for that to loop back around to prayer; as guys we want to engineer the future rather than to go to the one who\u2019s the author of the future and to seek His wisdom and His direction, and to pour out our hearts to Him and to do it together as a couple.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know this has been central to your ministry and to your marriage over the years. So I\u2019m not surprised that Jeannie, your response to the question about a more secure future would not make its way back to the issue of prayer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think, Tom, your point is that as husbands we need to be finding out what can we do to help our wives feel more safe and secure about our leadership, about where we\u2019re headed, about the vision that we have for where we\u2019re going as a family.\u00a0 Not that we just deliver it and our wives aren\u2019t included, but how we include them in that process.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd of course we\u2019re not going to get to all ten of these questions on today\u2019s program.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have to pick up the other five questions tomorrow, but if our listeners are interested they can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We\u2019ve listed the ten questions there, but we also have available the books that the two of you have written on \u00ad<em>Ten Questions a Wife Can Ask Her Husband<\/em> and <em>Ten Questions a Husband Can Ask His Wife<\/em> where you help flesh out what\u2019s behind these questions.\u00a0 I want to encourage our listeners to order a copy of these books from us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on Tom and Jeannie Elliff\u2019s \u2013 what you guys call the \u201cTen Questions\u201d books.\u00a0 You\u2019ll find them online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY for more information, 1-800- F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and we can arrange to have either or both of these books sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to take a minute before we\u2019re done here today to say a quick word of thanks to those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>by either from time to time or on a regular basis donating to keep us on this station and on our network of stations all around the country.\u00a0 <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>is listener-supported.\u00a0 We could not do what we do if it weren\u2019t for folks like you who make that occasional donation.\u00a0 So thanks for your support in the past.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month, if you are able to help support the ministry with a donation, we\u2019d like to send you as a thank you gift a four-CD set that\u2019s all about romance.\u00a0 There\u2019s a message here from Dennis on how to keep the spark alive in your marriage during seasons when life gets challenging.\u00a0 And then there\u2019s an extended conversation with Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, the authors of a book called <em>Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Women Ask Most Often about Intimacy in Marriage.<\/em>\u00a0 The four CDs are our gift to you when you help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> this month.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re making a donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, just type the word \u201cROMANCE\u201d into the key code box, so we\u2019ll know to send you these CDs.\u00a0 Or, if you call 1-800-FLTODAY and make your donation over the phone, just ask for the romance CD set and we\u2019ll send it out to you.\u00a0 Again, thanks for your prayers for the ministry, thanks for listening, and thanks for whatever you\u2019re able to do in helping to support the program and keep us on the air.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd let me encourage you to be back with us tomorrow when we\u2019re going to hear more from Tom and Jeannie Elliff \u2013 five more questions that a husband ought to think about asking his wife on a regular basis.\u00a0 Just good marital checkup kinds of questions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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you want to minister more effectively to your wife?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-02-10.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When was the last time your marriage had a checkup?\u00a0 Here's Pastor Tom Elliff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Every year we try to take time to get away just alone.\u00a0 We do this a couple of times a year.\u00a0 Several years ago we were in Colorado staying in a beautiful lodge, and we were talking about our relationship and the fact that we've been married several years, and we were looking out across the future, we wanted to grow deeper in our intimacy with each other.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe sat at a table where we could look at the mountains, and we ate Belgian waffles, and I said, \"I want to ask you ten questions, but you must promise that you will answer them honestly.\u00a0 Also let me just say that this is my time to ask you questions, not your time to ask me questions.\u00a0 I want to hear your heart.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, February 10th.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll hear today from one husband about how he tries to live with his wife in an understanding way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 You know, it did take us a while before we could pull all of this together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEarly on when we had just started <em>FamilyLife Today,<\/em> we contacted as one of our guests Jim Elliff, who came on our program to talk about how parents can effectively communicate the message of the gospel to their children, and how to know whether your children have really made a genuine profession of faith in Christ.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then it was a little while later that we had Jim\u2019s brother, Bill, join us as a guest.\u00a0 He shared about his family\u2019s history and how the whole family had ultimately been reconciled with his father after a period of a break, a separation.\u00a0 But it took a little longer before we were able to fully complete the Elliff circle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right, at least on the male side, because there are three brothers and a sister.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 One sister.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And we don't have \u2013 and we haven't gotten her on the broadcast yet, but Tom and Jeannie Elliff join us on the broadcast.\u00a0 Tom, Jeannie, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Thank you, Dennis, we\u2019re glad to be here \u2013 Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Tom and Jeannie hail from Dell City, Oklahoma.\u00a0 Tom is a former missionary to Zimbabwe and also was the President of the Southern Baptist Convention.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other day Tom and I were talking on the phone, and he shared with me something.\u00a0 I said, \"You've got to come over from Oklahoma City, and you've got to share that with our listeners, because we are committed to helping our listeners where it matters most, and that's winning in their relationships at home with their spouses.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTom, you shared with me that there are ten questions that you ask Jeannie that let you know how she's doing spiritually and that assist you as you are her spiritual leader, protector, the guide in assisting her to grow spiritually.\u00a0 Now, how important are these ten questions we're about to go over here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, I think they're incredibly important, Dennis.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, in the car driving down here, I said, \"Jeannie, we better go over these again just to make sure how we're doing,\" and she gave me an A-, I think, on one or two of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 But I think they're tremendously important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0How did these ten questions all come about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Every year we try to take time to get away just alone.\u00a0 We do this a couple of times a year, and several years ago we were in Colorado, staying in a beautiful lodge which some friends of ours made available to us up in Dillon, and we were talking about our relationship and the fact that, you know, we've been married several years, and we were looking out across the future, we wanted to grow deeper in our intimacy with each other.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo the next morning I said, \"Jeannie, come on with me,\u201d and hand in hand we walked up to our favorite \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Honey, you wouldn't let me bring anything.\u00a0 I couldn't bring my Bible, my planner, I couldn't bring anything, and I was puzzled.\u00a0 I thought, \"Where are we\" \u2013 we walked up the hill to have breakfast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right, she was scared.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I thought, \"What's happening here?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You were wondering where he was taking you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, my wife, without her Bible or planner, you know, that is like being without the basic essentials.\u00a0 Shoes, maybe yes \u2013 but planner?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 So she said, \"What in the world is goin' on?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe sat at a table where we could look at the mountains, and we ate Belgian waffles, and I said, \"I want to ask you ten questions, but you must promise that you will answer them honestly and, also, let me just say that this is my time to ask you questions, not your time to ask me questions.\u00a0 I want to hear your heart.\u00a0 That's what I was after \u2013 her heart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>Okay, before you go further on the story \u2013 what did you think at that point, Jeannie?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, the first thing that crossed my mind, I was tremendously honored that he wanted to know what I felt, and I was just almost blown away.\u00a0 It was wonderful.\u00a0 Already I was excited.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Are these questions that had come to you in the night, and you'd gotten up and written 'em down?\u00a0 How did it all come about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Over a period of time, Bob.\u00a0 They really had come to me, sometimes when I was praying, sometimes after a discussion with Jeannie.\u00a0 There were issues I could hear in her tone of voice or in our conversations, which were of concern to her, and I felt like I really had not heard all she had to say about these issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Have these ten questions changed over the years, or is this the original ten you asked straight out of the chute?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0These are the original ten questions right out of the chute.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, Dennis, here's a man who is a student of his wife.\u00a0 Most of us, as guys, are going so fast at whatever objective we've got in front of us that we're not even sensitive to the changes that are going on in our wife's life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, we have basically one question \u2013 are you doin' okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We don't stop to ask the piercing questions that can truly tell us how her heart is.\u00a0 I found it instructive as I talked with Tom over the phone, that he developed these questions, really, based upon listening to his wife over a number of years.\u00a0 Now, you've been married how long when you developed this list?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, my goodness, honey, how long have we been married now?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, it's been about five or six years ago that you asked these questions, so it would have been around 30 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Okay, we've got to get to these questions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes, the list of ten.\u00a0 I've got my pencil out, my paper ready, is it okay for me to plagiarize questions?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0I'm not going to start with number ten and build back up to one.\u00a0 We'll just go right through them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Question number one \u2013 what could I do to cause you to feel more loved?\u00a0 You think, \"Oh, I know what I want you to do \u2013 whisk me away to some romantic hideaway, you know.\"\u00a0 I guess I better just go ahead and tell 'em what you said.\u00a0 She said \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No, let's let her tell us what she said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I don't remember all of 'em.\u00a0 He remembers it better than I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, you know, I had all these romantic visions in my head.\u00a0 She said, \"You know, I really would like it, when we're in public, for you always to pull my chair out for me.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\"Wow\", I thought, \"That's not a romantic hideaway.\u00a0 This is not where we're headed here.\u00a0 This is something else for me to do.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You guys speak different love languages, don\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Well, you know, that's the truth.\u00a0 This is a wake-up call to me.\u00a0 I've considered myself a fairly polite person, but we had been in some huge crowds in recent weeks, you know, surrounding that time.\u00a0 I'd been pulled away with one group, and she'd be pulled away with another group.\u00a0 And we'd get back together, and we'd be racing off to another meeting.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think I\u2019d let some of my comportment slip a little bit, and she said, you know, \"I want to know that you know I am here in the midst of all these other people,\" I think this is what she was saying.\u00a0 Isn't that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Exactly right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0I want to know that you know that I'm here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jeannie, you had to feel safe and secure to be able to even \u2013 I mean, that doesn't sound very threatening, but a lot of husbands would hear something like that from their wives, and they'd start to get defensive, and they'd start to go, \"Well, now, wait, you know,\" \u2013 and they'd back pedal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right, but I knew from the beginning of this experience that we shared there in that restaurant that this was a serious thing to him.\u00a0 He was going to really listen to me.\u00a0 I knew this was not, \"Honey, listen to me.\"\u00a0 \"Huh?\"\u00a0 This was a real occasion that was different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, well, that's question number one.\u00a0 Number two?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0So no romantic hideaway, just a chair, okay.\u00a0 Well, boy \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You threw the list away at that time, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, yeah, you know, I had the motel reservations made, you know \u2013 chairs are easy.\u00a0 All right, number two, what could I do to cause you to feel more respected?\u00a0 And, by the way, let me just go ahead and ask number three with that \u2013 what could I do to cause you to feel more understood?\u00a0 And her answer was, you know, \"Let me know you are really listening to me when I'm speaking.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJeannie is not a talker in the sense of chattering away all the time, and I think during that period of time in our life, like I say, I had grown tremendously busy, and I had started doing something which she didn't particularly appreciate, and I don't think I would, either, if I'd seen it in her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe would be talking, and I would say, \"Mm-hm, yeah,\" and sometimes she'd say, \"Did you really hear what I was just saying?\"\u00a0 I would have to confess to her, \"Excuse me, can you say that again?\"\u00a0 She wanted to know that I was listening to her, I respected her opinion, and I really understood what she was saying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It happened last night.\u00a0 I was opening the mail, Barbara was talking, and I was trying to do both at the same time, and I succeeded in opening the mail but failed on the other part.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, Dennis, when our children were all at home growing up, we did two or three things that I think really helped us.\u00a0 Perhaps at this time of our lives, with all of our kids gone, we have slipped a little bit in this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne thing we did, we always had breakfast, just always, at 7:00 in the morning, to give a little anchor for our family and, of course, with our schedule sometimes, the evening times we're not so easy to get ahold of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecondly, Jeannie and I would get up early, early in the morning to have our own time with the Lord.\u00a0 I mean, separately.\u00a0 But we met every morning at 6:00 \u2013 from 6 until 6:30, and at that time I knew that I had her undivided attention.\u00a0 She knew that she had my undivided attention, our children all knew that we were discussing the issues that they had asked us to discuss.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe didn't have any formal agenda.\u00a0 We just talked, and then we prayed, after which I'd go get dressed for work and she would go get breakfast for us, and I think this was her heart cry.\u00a0 She was saying, \"I know the kids are gone, but that doesn't mean that we don't need to keep on meeting, keep on talking, and knowing that at the beginning of the day we have each other's undivided attention.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Boy, husbands have got to let their wives know that they're listening, that they care.\u00a0 I've been in the same situation.\u00a0 On the phone with my wife, distracted by something else, and in the middle of the conversation, she'll just go, \"Well, goodbye.\"\u00a0 And I'll go, \"What, what?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe says, \"If you want to talk, we'll talk.\"\u00a0 And it's a mild rebuke to remind me, \"If you're here to talk to me, let's talk.\u00a0 If you're distracted by other things, find a time when you are interested in me and call me back.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, or the new one is this \u2013 \"Do I ride to church with you or are you going to be on your cell phone all the time?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Hoooooo-hooo-hooo-hooo.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Hello.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0I'm sorry about this, guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, or listening to voice mail?\u00a0 I mean, I've had to put it aside and not do it.\u00a0 Barbara sees it as a competitor for our relationship.\u00a0 Now, there may be a man who is listening right now, Jeannie, who just needs to hear from another woman why this thing of listening and seeking to understand her is so important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, of course, I think there has to be a balance.\u00a0 I think I have to understand him, also.\u00a0 I know he has pressures and needs, and I need to be wise about my conversation with him.\u00a0 I don't need to just chatter on about whatever \u2013 things that he really might not be interested in.\u00a0 But it is wonderful, it is absolutely wonderful, when you realize he looks right at you and says, \"Oh, I understand.\u00a0 Oh, that was hard, wasn't it?\"\u00a0 He really sees what's happening in your life, and that's a wonderful experience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, question number four.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0What could I do to cause you to feel more secure?\u00a0 I was really surprised at her answer.\u00a0 I thought she might talk in terms of our relationship, but I think Jeannie has always felt very secure in our relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said, \"You're traveling a lot these days.\u00a0 And she said, \"I want an alarm system on the house.\"\u00a0 It was not time for me to give her the lecture, \"Unless the Lord keep the house, the watchman waketh but in vain.\"\u00a0 She wanted an alarm system for the house.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, you know, our dog had died, you know, life begins when the kids go away to school and the dog dies \u2013 and so the dog had died, and the kids were away at school, and she said, \"I'm at home, and no one is there.\u00a0 I want an alarm system.\"\u00a0 By the way, within the week we had the alarm system installed, and after a few false starts, she knew that it was set.\u00a0 By the way, it is the alarm system that failed to notify the fire department when our house burned down, but that's okay.\u00a0 She still felt secure, and \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 I wasn't there.\u00a0 I was secure someplace else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, but that\u2019s what's at the root of all of this.\u00a0 Your husband signed on to be your protector.\u00a0 When he's not there you want to know what provisions he's made to be your protector, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right, exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And 1 John, chapter 4, says, \"Perfect love casts out all fear,\" and if our wives are afraid some something, then we need to tend to those matters that cause them to be afraid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 Could I add something to that, Dennis?\u00a0 I think it's also secure in the things that can invade the home by invitation \u2013 television programs \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2013 movies \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 I had a lady tell me one time, she said, \"You know, when my husband watches TV, you know what I watch?\u00a0 I watch my husband watch TV.\u00a0 He sits there with the power bar in his hand and runs through the channels, and I wonder, \u2018What's he looking for? And sometimes when I see what he's looking for, I don't feel secure.\u2019\"\u00a0 And so security has a lot to do with a lot more than just an alarm system, but that was what Jeannie wanted, and I wanted to accommodate that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there's physical security, there's emotional security, and there's spiritual security, and the wise husband is paying attention to all of those.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0Exactly.\u00a0\u00a0 Well, question number five \u2013 what can I do to help you feel more confident in our future direction?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt occurred to me that now with the children gone out of the home and all the things that we have on the plate before us, different opportunities, that we really had no sense of direction as a family.\u00a0 We were just taking things as they came and doing whatever we felt like doing and going on down the road without being headed anywhere in particular, except just on a journey through life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI felt like Jeannie has this sense that, \"I want to know where we're headed?\u00a0 I want to know \u2013 where are we going to be ten years from now?\"\u00a0 And it's not necessarily that we have to have this businessman's PERT chart out in front of us, but she was really interested in this, and I think we talked about this just about as much as anything we discussed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Last night we had dinner together, and Tom is such a resource, Bob, that I turned to him at one point and I said to him, \"Tom, you're now in that phase \u2013 in the season of life, as a man, that you would be considered a patriarch.\u00a0 What do you believe are the essential elements of being a patriarch?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \"Excuse me.\"\u00a0 And he left for a few moments, and came back, and he had three points, okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0He's been preaching sermons too long.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 He has.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 At least he didn't alliterate them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Give him time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 But, frankly, I believe he's got ten points here about how a man is the patriarch in caring for his family, and he's telling us here how a man does that by virtue of these ten questions.\u00a0 He is, in essence, being your spiritual leader, your protector, and a visionary for where you're headed for the rest of your life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0She wanted to know how we were going to relate to our children and grandchildren.\u00a0 We talked about what we were going to do with that phase of our life when I might be something other than a pastor.\u00a0 How are we going to plug into our children's lives, our grandchildren's lives?\u00a0 Spiritually, what will we do?\u00a0 How much time will we spend with them?\u00a0 And those were questions she had about our future direction.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0And, you know, Dennis, again, there's a wife's perspective.\u00a0 A husband is oftentimes looking outward and saying what ministry opportunities are we going to be doing or what business opportunities, what advancement is there still, what significance is there still in life?\u00a0 And a mom, a grandmother, is saying, \"How are we going to stay relationally connected with our children and our grandchildren?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 That was a big wake-up call for me, honestly.\u00a0 Jeannie is so verbally oriented as a lady.\u00a0 Guys I've found are more interested in impressions, you know, they say, \"Well, I meant\" \u2013 and ladies say, \"But you said,\" \"This is what you said,\" and, you know, a guy looks at a headline and says \"There's an earthquake in Brazil,\" and just pops off, \"I wonder what it would be like to live in Brazil?\"\u00a0 Well, he really doesn't care, you know.\u00a0 In the meantime, his wife's heart stops, and she wonders, \"Should I put this cup up here, or am I going to have to pack it?\u00a0 Are we moving to Brazil?\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so she really had a lot to say about this future direction that we have, didn't you, Jeannie?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jeannie:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I did, and another thing that crossed my mind just now, even though men sometimes have business plans, ministry plans outside the home, the thing that really, really means a lot to them is their family.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAn illustration of that is just a few weeks ago we got a letter from one of our son-in-laws that lives in Texas.\u00a0 It was an incredible encouragement to Tom, and he called me from the church and read it to me and wept.\u00a0 It was just wonderful, and his relationship with that son-in-law is so good, and that's what meant so much to him, is that relationship with that son-in-law.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But oftentimes, Dennis, it takes a wife and a mom to pull us back there as men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, I've just listened as Tom shared Jeannie's dreams about the future.\u00a0 She was calling him back to those family anchors and say, \"We're not done.\"\u00a0 I think a lot of folks move into the empty nest, and they think their assignment is over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it's not over 'til it's over.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And it isn't over.\u00a0 In fact, your role I think moves to another level of significance, and that's what Jeannie, in her wisdom, was calling you to as a couple and why it was so important to her as the nurturer and the mom of this clan of now 12 grandchildren and four children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0 And hopefully more on the way \u2013 grandchildren.\u00a0 Last night \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter) \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 don't forget Abraham.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tom:<\/strong>\u00a0-- well, that's right.\u00a0 I mentioned last night that I thought part of the role of patriarch was to make sure that you could always pray for your children, that you and your wife were always in a relationship so that you could instantly pray for your children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think one of the ways that our utility increases with age, not decreases or diminishes, but right at the very last day we live that could be our most useful day is through our prayers, because prayers \u2013\u00a0 really \u2013 that's the work for our children, for our grandchildren, for ministries, period.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA lot of people say, \"Well, you know, I'm getting old, I guess I'm sort of useless.\u201d\u00a0 No, you have time to do the most important work if you can pray.\u00a0 So we need to be doing that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and I think that the question that you ask about what can I do to make you more secure about our future, for that to loop back around to prayer; as guys we want to engineer the future rather than to go to the one who\u2019s the author of the future and to seek His wisdom and His direction, and to pour out our hearts to Him and to do it together as a couple.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know this has been central to your ministry and to your marriage over the years. So I\u2019m not surprised that Jeannie, your response to the question about a more secure future would not make its way back to the issue of prayer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think, Tom, your point is that as husbands we need to be finding out what can we do to help our wives feel more safe and secure about our leadership, about where we\u2019re headed, about the vision that we have for where we\u2019re going as a family.\u00a0 Not that we just deliver it and our wives aren\u2019t included, but how we include them in that process.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd of course we\u2019re not going to get to all ten of these questions on today\u2019s program.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have to pick up the other five questions tomorrow, but if our listeners are interested they can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 We\u2019ve listed the ten questions there, but we also have available the books that the two of you have written on \u00ad<em>Ten Questions a Wife Can Ask Her Husband<\/em> and <em>Ten Questions a Husband Can Ask His Wife<\/em> where you help flesh out what\u2019s behind these questions.\u00a0 I want to encourage our listeners to order a copy of these books from us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on Tom and Jeannie Elliff\u2019s \u2013 what you guys call the \u201cTen Questions\u201d books.\u00a0 You\u2019ll find them online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY for more information, 1-800- F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and we can arrange to have either or both of these books sent to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want to take a minute before we\u2019re done here today to say a quick word of thanks to those of you who help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>by either from time to time or on a regular basis donating to keep us on this station and on our network of stations all around the country.\u00a0 <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>is listener-supported.\u00a0 We could not do what we do if it weren\u2019t for folks like you who make that occasional donation.\u00a0 So thanks for your support in the past.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis month, if you are able to help support the ministry with a donation, we\u2019d like to send you as a thank you gift a four-CD set that\u2019s all about romance.\u00a0 There\u2019s a message here from Dennis on how to keep the spark alive in your marriage during seasons when life gets challenging.\u00a0 And then there\u2019s an extended conversation with Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, the authors of a book called <em>Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Women Ask Most Often about Intimacy in Marriage.<\/em>\u00a0 The four CDs are our gift to you when you help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> this month.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re making a donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, just type the word \u201cROMANCE\u201d into the key code box, so we\u2019ll know to send you these CDs.\u00a0 Or, if you call 1-800-FLTODAY and make your donation over the phone, just ask for the romance CD set and we\u2019ll send it out to you.\u00a0 Again, thanks for your prayers for the ministry, thanks for listening, and thanks for whatever you\u2019re able to do in helping to support the program and keep us on the air.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd let me encourage you to be back with us tomorrow when we\u2019re going to hear more from Tom and Jeannie Elliff \u2013 five more questions that a husband ought to think about asking his wife on a regular basis.\u00a0 Just good marital checkup kinds of questions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 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