{"id":302200,"date":"2011-01-27T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-01-27T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/planting-hedges-to-grow-security-and-love\/"},"modified":"2011-01-27T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-01-27T17:00:00","slug":"planting-hedges-to-grow-security-and-love","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/planting-hedges-to-grow-security-and-love\/","title":{"rendered":"Planting Hedges to Grow Security and Love"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jerry Jenkins talks with Dennis Rainey about the importance of husbands and wives planting hedges around their marriages in order to grow security and love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-27.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"27.07M","filesize_raw":"28382012","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809],"tags":[5105],"podcast_series":[7434],"cwp_profile":[3291],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302200","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commitment","tag-lasting-marriage","podcast_series-hedges-loving-your-marriage-enough-to-protect-it","cwp_profile-jerry-jenkins","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302200\/planting-hedges-to-grow-security-and-love","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302200\/planting-hedges-to-grow-security-and-love","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"faly1CluVa\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/planting-hedges-to-grow-security-and-love\/\">Planting Hedges to Grow Security and Love<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/planting-hedges-to-grow-security-and-love\/embed\/#?secret=faly1CluVa\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Planting Hedges to Grow Security and Love&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"faly1CluVa\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Jerry Jenkins talks with Dennis Rainey about the importance of husbands and wives planting hedges around their marriages in order to grow security and love.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0 They're inconvenient, and they can be embarrassing.\u00a0 I'll get called once in a while when I'm going to go speak somewhere, and they'll say, \u201cMiss So-and-So will pick you up at the airport,\" and I say \"Well, I have a policy where if a woman comes to pick me up, have somebody else there, too, or send a guy,\" and there's this long silence on the phone, and sort of, what's your problem here?\u00a0 But I'll tell you, I will trade that embarrassment for 34-and-a-half years of marriage any day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 27<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll hear today from Jerry Jenkins about the hedges that he has put in place around his marriage in order to protect it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 Before we get into what we\u2019re going to talk about today, let me remind our regular listeners that this weekend is the last opportunity you have to sign up for a special opportunity we\u2019re making for <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>\u00a0listeners to attend an upcoming FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae <\/em>marriage getaway<em>.<\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to be hosting about 130 of these getaway events in locations all across the country in 2011, and if you sign up before the end of the weekend and you register at the regular rate for yourself, your spouse comes for free.\u00a0 So it\u2019s a buy one, get one free offer, and we\u2019re making it for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners and we need to hear from you today or no later than by the end of the weekend if you want to attend one of these events and take advantage of this special offer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s how you do it:\u00a0 Go to FamilyLifeToday.com, look around and find out more about the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaways<em>.<\/em>\u00a0 These are great events.\u00a0 They are fun. They are romantic.\u00a0 They are relaxing.\u00a0 They are just a great getaway weekend for couples.\u00a0 And then once you find the weekend that works for you and the location that works for you, go ahead and fill out the online registration form.\u00a0 You\u2019ll come to a key code box on the form, and you just type my name in there.\u00a0 Just type \u201cBOB,\u201d and when you go to register it will take care of the special offer automatically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr if it\u2019s easier, just call us.\u00a0 1-800-FL-TODAY is the toll-free number; 1-800 \u201cF\u201d as in Family, \u201cL\u201d as in Life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 We can answer any questions you have about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>; we can take care of your registration over the phone, but make sure that you mention that you\u2019re a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener and that you\u2019d like to take advantage of the special rate that we\u2019re making available.\u00a0 Make sure to get in touch with us as soon as possible, because again, this offer expires at the end of the weekend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do hope to see you at one of these <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaways this spring.\u00a0 They really are a great event, and they speak at some level to what we\u2019re going to talk about today.\u00a0 In fact, this is a subject and actually a book that I think really is a timeless book, because the subject that it deals with is a subject that is timeless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It really is.\u00a0 It is an evergreen book.\u00a0 It's about hedges, and unfortunately \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you catch that?\u00a0 That was kind of a little evergreen \u2013 hedges \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yeah, there you go, but the reality is, it's talking about protecting marriages and families, and Jerry Jenkins is the author of that book.\u00a0 Jerry, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you, good to be with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think Jerry's name is of no surprise, given the number of books he's written.\u00a0 And I didn't know this, honestly, before he shared it with me \u2013 155 \u2013 count 'em, along with 17 \u2013 am I correct \u2013 17 New York bestsellers?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0 Something like that.\u00a0 I know I've written more books than I've read by now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I wish this was a bestseller, because emotional adultery as well as adultery are unfortunately invading the Christian community, and we need help in terms of protecting our marriages today.\u00a0 Is that why you brought this book back with a refurbished, re-edited, re-release?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0Yes, it's sad but true.\u00a0 The book is more relevant now than it ever has been, and every time somebody calls me to tell me about it, they say, \"Did you hear about so-and-so?\"\u00a0 They could be telling me they won the Nobel Prize, but my first thought is \"Oh, no, don't tell me about another broken marriage.\" Just sad, sad stories.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You begin the book with a story of a mythical couple, but it's been replicated in situation after situation around the country.\u00a0 They went on a business trip together, sparked up a relationship \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, and it started long before that, because neither of them had hedges that I recommend, they liked each other, they liked each other's smile and presence, even though they were both married to other people.\u00a0 They became a little emotionally dependent on each other with hardly realizing it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNobody sets out to commit adultery or to break up a marriage or to have an affair, but they started missing each other, started counting on each other, and then when they're on this trip together, the puppy love thing happens, they think they're in love, and they don't control themselves.\u00a0 And it breaks up both marriages and, of course, the new marriage that comes out of it rarely lasts either, so now you've got three broken marriages.\u00a0 It causes chaos.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Most people don't recognize the danger of that kind of a friendship until it has become toxic.\u00a0 What was it for you that caused you to pull back and go, \"Oh, there is danger there.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, it's sort of like \u2013 I was raised with a father who was very devoted to my mother, and he was a man's man.\u00a0 He was an ex-Marine and a police chief, but he was also a romantic, and wrote love poetry to my mother and always treated her like a queen.\u00a0 And he was never too much of a man to scrub a floor, wash a dish, change a diaper.\u00a0 I resent that example to this day.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe just sort of lived this without putting it \u2013 making it formal.\u00a0 I mean, there were things he would not do with other women.\u00a0 He didn't flirt, he didn't touch, he didn't, you know, I mean, he was cordial and he was courtly, but that was a great example.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I realized early in our marriage that I didn't think about these types of things, and because I'm in business and have a secretary and have associates and colleagues and editors, I would find myself meeting and sometimes even traveling alone with a woman not related to me, and it just, all of a sudden, sort of hit me that, you know, this could look bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt wasn't that I was afraid I was going to fall into all manner of affairs, it was just, you know, if you take care of how things look, you take care of how they are.\u00a0 If you're not meeting or dining or traveling with a woman not related to you because it would look bad, you are not going to allow anything to happen, either.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd crushes develop at work, you can find somebody that you like and admire, and if you don\u2019t fuel that with alone time, it will pass just like high school crushes pass, and you don't have to confess to your wife that you're attracted to somebody else or tell that person \u2013 that's the worst thing \"I'm actually attracted to you.\"\u00a0 I think it's important that we realize that big doors turn on small hinges, and sometimes it's just these little friendships that develop.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Have there ever been one of those friendships that has kind of sparked for you mentally and emotionally?\u00a0 And I'm not saying you've ever taken any next steps, but has that happened for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I think the potential was there, and when you put your hedges down on paper, you reveal your own weaknesses.\u00a0 For instance, there are hedges I don't have.\u00a0 I don't have a hedge against engaging in prostitution, because there's nothing that's more repulsive to me.\u00a0 But I know Christian men who are tempted that way, and they have to plant a hedge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me it would be more, you know, the scenario I just described where I might admire and respect somebody and like how they think and talk and smile and start looking forward to seeing them, and you realize this would be a good person not to spend alone time with; not to travel with, and then they can remain a friend, and this little bubbly feeling passes, and you realize, you\u2019ve\u00a0 made a sacred vow, and all those things \u2013 the eye contact, the humor, your best stories, they belong to your wife.\u00a0 That\u2019s her right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you talk to people, and they'll be hanging \u2013 you can see them hanging around somebody of the opposite sex and becoming friendly and chummy, and you say, \"Hey, you're not worried about this?\"\u00a0 And they go, \"Oh, it's nothing, we're just friends.\u00a0 My wife knows her, they're best friends,\" and then within a few months you hear stories.\u00a0 Now we've got trouble.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, there's all the self-deception of telling yourself, \"I married the wrong person in the first place, I was disobedient then, now God has brought this person in my life\" \u2013 that's my favorite self-deception.\u00a0 I always move out of somebody's way, and I say, \"You know, I don't like lightning.\u00a0 Don't be blaming this on God.\u00a0 I was there at your wedding when you said you would not bring anybody else unto you for as long as you both shall live, and now here it is.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0And there doesn't have to be marital dissatisfaction for a spark to occur with somebody else, does there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>There doesn't, except that when we were talking about people who were raised in the church, Christians most of their lives, they invent it later.\u00a0 We know of couples who seem to be doing very well, and you talk to the wife, who eventually is the offended party, and she says things were fine.\u00a0 But if the spark occurs, then they have to justify it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo they say, you know \u2013 then they take the worst aspects of their spouse's personality, things we don't tell about each other because we protect each other, and you say, \"Well, she's always been a shrew,\" or \"She's always been a nag,\" or \u201cShe's plain,\u201d or \u201cShe's nice to everybody else but not to me,\u201d and you go \"Now, wait a minute.\u00a0 These aren't grounds for divorce, these aren't grounds for adultery.\u201d But they decide \u2013 they take their whole system of values and say, \"Now this new relationship is so wonderful, God has to be in it.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Jerry, God marked your life, even as a young lad at home, as a 12-year-old, in a conversation with your mother as you watched something tragic happen in your home church.\u00a0 It was this message being, I think, fermented in your heart at an early age.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, that's the sort of the bad news and the good news.\u00a0 It was a tough thing that happened, but it really did set the stage for my life and my married life.\u00a0 We had the perfect church, you know, I mean, we had this great young pastor, and he had a big family, and I had grown up in the church so I never knew any other pastor.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>What city was it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We were in Kalamazoo, Michigan, a little community church.\u00a0 They called it \"The Little Lighthouse,\" informally, and we'd even refer to it as the best church in the world, because everybody knew each other, everybody cared about each other and then, all of a sudden, lots of meetings and lots of stern faces and lots of tears.\u00a0 So I started bugging my mother. \"What's going on?\u00a0 What are they talking about?\"\u00a0 She said, \"You don't want to know,\" and you tell that to a 12-year-old, of course, I want to know, and I'm bugging her and bugging her, and she said, \"You wouldn't believe it, anyway.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I badgered her for days and, finally, she said \"Okay, what would you say if I told you that our pastor doesn't love his wife anymore; that he's in love with somebody else?\"\u00a0 I said, \"I don't believe it.\"\u00a0 She said, \"That's exactly what I predicted \u2013 you don't believe it, so you don't want to know.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, obviously, it was true \u2013 split the marriage, split the church, sides were taken.\u00a0 But what a shattering experience.\u00a0 I mean, for a kid, you look at your pastor almost like God.\u00a0 He is the emissary of God.\u00a0 And you probably know better in your heart that he could do no wrong, but not something like this.\u00a0 It has marked my life, it really has, and you think nobody is invulnerable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0We have rules that are in place for us at the ministry where we work.\u00a0 We've kind of established guidelines and patterns for things that we don't allow.\u00a0 For example \u2013 and you talk about this in the book \u2013 if a male and female co-worker are traveling together, they are not to share a car, they are not to sit together on the airplane.\u00a0 Sometimes, frankly, those are very inconvenient rules.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They're inconvenient, and I\u2019m not saying that if somebody drives you 20 minutes from the airport to the hotel that you have to have an affair.\u00a0 It\u2019s just how does it look and what's the reputation and what happens if you get somebody who is troubled or needy?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI tell one story in the book about a young evangelist in his 20s, single, and the last person in the prayer room one night after the services is a teenage girl from the church.\u00a0 She makes a pass at him, and he's horrified.\u00a0 He tells her, \"I don't know what I did to give you any signal that I want this, but don't go here.\"\u00a0 And she is so humiliated and embarrassed that she runs out of the prayer room claiming that he made the pass at her.\u00a0 What can he say?\u00a0 Who are they going to believe \u2013 the girl who grew up in the church or this young evangelist who has come to town?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so he, of course, insisted on a meeting with the elders \u2013 they wanted to meet with him, but he insisted that she be there and her parents be there, and he just pleaded with her to tell the truth.\u00a0 He said, \"My entire life is at stake here as far as my ministry,\" and she did break down and admit it.\u00a0 Otherwise, he wouldn't be in ministry today.\u00a0 It wasn't that he did anything, it was that he didn't have any defense, and so, again, take care of how it looks, and you take care of how it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I was, not long ago, in Sydney, and I was doing some radio recording in Sydney because <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is on the air in Australia, and we were talking with couples from Australia, and we had been working all morning.\u00a0 I was in the studio, and the recording engineer for that session was a female.\u00a0 And we worked throughout the morning and, in fact, we were at a conference center, and we worked right through lunch.\u00a0 Lunch was served, and it was done. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe got all done recording, and I said, \"We'll just walk down the hill and grab something to eat.\"\u00a0 Well, we walked down the hill, and there was a restaurant there, and so we went in to grab something to eat and got seated at the table, and, actually, it was out on a patio looking out over the Pacific, and it was a nice, warm afternoon, and I'm looking out at the Pacific, and I had just ordered lunch, and I looked up across the table at this recording engineer, and I thought, \"How did I get here?\u00a0 I shouldn't be\u2013 we shouldn't be here.\" \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, all of a sudden, it kind of hit me and, in fact, I think, in the middle of the meal, I said to her, \"We shouldn't have done this.\"\u00a0 Again, there was nothing romantic going on, but it's just that hedge.\u00a0 I went right back to the conference center, sent an e-mail to my wife saying, \"Let me tell you what just happened.\u00a0 It happened innocently.\u00a0 I'll tell you, I'll tell Dennis and make sure he's aware.\"\u00a0 We've got to have that accountability because we \u2013 our own hearts are wicked, aren't they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and when you talk about the inconvenience of that hedge \u2013 I remember one time I was going to go to a different state, fly to a different state with our retail manager at Moody, a woman, and I told her to bring an assistant, and we get to the airport, and the assistant is sick and can't go.\u00a0 So we've got our tickets, we've got to go, we've got these meetings, and so I called Diana, and I said, \"Here is the situation.\"\u00a0 And she doesn't need me to check in.\u00a0 These hedges aren't because she demands them \u2013 she appreciates them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd it was, like, sure, she was fine with it, and she trusted me and trusted the woman.\u00a0 And so we went and did that, and the important thing there is if somebody would call my wife and say, \"I saw your husband with so-and-so,\" Diana would say \"Either I knew about it or it didn't happen,\" because she knows everything, you know?\u00a0 And that's another hedge.\u00a0 If you have to violate a hedge, and it's going to look a little strange, your wife should know about it so she's not going, \"What's happening here?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You keep speaking of hedges.\u00a0 That was a gift you gave your wife of 34 years about, what, 15, 16 years ago?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0Right, right.\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>What were the circumstances that brought about this gift of planting these hedges around your marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it actually started with a conversation with my younger brother who \u2013 he's 10 years younger, and he was getting married about that time, and he asked me \u2013 he said, \"When I get married will I stop looking at other women?\"\u00a0 And I said, \"Oh, may it ever be so.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou won't go blind, and you won't wear blinders,\" but --and I said, \"No, you won't, and yet you're going to make this sacred vow before God and to your wife, and you're going to want to plant protection, hedges, around your hands and your eyes and your heart and your mind.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI told him the things that I do, and I hadn't formalized them until that time.\u00a0 They were automatic things that I decided on.\u00a0 And then I wrote a column about that in <em>Moody Magazine,<\/em> and I got more response to that than anything I had ever written, and I realized then that it needed to be a book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I remember talking to Diana about it and saying, \"You know, these are things that I've done for a few years, and I\u2019ll formalize them,\" and you could just feel the security that she felt.\u00a0 And she started thinking about her own hedges and, occasionally, because she was raising the kids and I was off at work, you'd have suppliers come to the house, or you'd have somebody come to talk about something or give a bid, and she would tell me the boundaries she had \u2013 wouldn't let a man in the house, and if she talked outside, how brief it was, and the whole bit, and to let me know.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo hedges for women, too.\u00a0 I don't claim to be able to think for women.\u00a0 I know they think differently about sexuality and that type of thing, but they still need hedges as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You mentioned for your wife the idea of not letting a man in the house then \u2013 how would you work around the issue of a repair that occurred?\u00a0 I'm just reflecting back on Barbara \u2013 as we were raising our children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The dryer repairman.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I'm telling you, I mean, it's critical stuff at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and there are times when exceptions have to be made, if there's an emergency and that type of thing, but Diana had a friend down the street, and they would trade if they had a repairman.\u00a0 Nowadays, especially in the last 20 years, although horrible stories about people who are supposed to be repairmen or meter readers or whatever, come in and do dastardly things -- so they would just say, \"You know, I've got a guy coming at 10 so why don't you come at 9:30, and you'll be here when he's here,\" and you trade things like that, and I think that's a great thing to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Jerry, you mentioned one benefit of hedges being security.\u00a0 That's not the only benefit of having these hedges around your marriage relationship.\u00a0 It also allows other things to occur like romance, and it creates commitment and trust and respect and allows other things to grow inside the fence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, I've always said that I think the responsibility for your spouse's well being is your own.\u00a0 You really have to take responsibility for that.\u00a0 Ever since writing a book on marriage, and I'm sure you have this happen all the time \u2013 I hear from couples.\u00a0 They want counsel or they want to tell their story.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo often they say things like, you know, \"My spouse has shut down,\" and that's a very dangerous spot to be in.\u00a0 Once one has shut down, you can tell the other \"You do everything not for the gain of it, not for the payback, but because it's the right thing to do.\"\u00a0 You serve them, and you take the Scripture personally and take it home.\u00a0 This idea of preferring others over yourself starts in your own home with your own spouse.\u00a0 And sometimes it's too late.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when you plant hedges, and you say \"This is my gift.\"\u00a0 Because who else benefits?\u00a0 You benefit because you're not falling into adultery and falling into sin and ruining your marriage, but you're doing this in honor of your spouse.\u00a0 When I talk to kids about hedges before they get married \u2013 and my own sons \u2013 I have three sons who are in their 20s and two are married.\u00a0 I say, \"The gift you want to give your spouse on your wedding day is that she marry a virgin.\u00a0 And when you're dating, you don't know if you're going to marry that person.\u00a0 You still want her to be able to give her spouse that gift on their wedding day and especially if that spouse is you.\u201d\u00a0 And so, yeah, there are all kinds of benefits to applying hedges.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, it's interesting that that issue of security -- in the heart of a woman, particularly, there is a strong need for that security.\u00a0 The ability to be transparent and real; to be, in biblical terms, naked and unashamed, all comes out of \"Do I feel safe in this relationship?\"\u00a0 I think for a lot of women there's almost an instinctive lack of security so that something like these hedges are a way to build a foundation that's lacking in the heart of many women, don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jerry:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, and it's a very healthy sense that they get, and one of the things that I often counsel guys is that you'll find that your spouse \u2013 they tease about it.\u00a0 They'll say, \"Oh, you've probably got somebody on the side,\" or \"When you go on a trip you probably see somebody,\" and they're kidding, and you want to laugh, and the tendency for a guy, especially if you like to be funny, is to run with that.\u00a0 \"Oh, yeah, I beat them off with a stick,\" you know.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't do that.\u00a0 When my wife teases about, you know, \"You could have anybody you want,\" or \"If I died you could be married tomorrow,\" my response is always serious.\u00a0 I say, \"I can't even imagine that.\u00a0 I can't imagine ever being married to anybody else but you, even if you died today, and when I go on a trip, there's nobody I want to see more than you and get back to you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm not scolding her, I'm not saying don't tease about that, but I think that's just a little funny way for her to throw out a little test.\u00a0 I always advise guys, you know, just answer that seriously and say, you know, you know what they want to hear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right.\u00a0 They want to hear that you'd marry them all over again; that you'd marry them 10 times out of 10.\u00a0 The things that I've heard you tell Barbara and the things that I've said to Mary Ann, and they never get tired of hearing it, and they never mind hearing it. There is a longing in a woman's soul to be reminded that your devotion and your allegiance is to her, and that you love her, and that helps build that wall of protection that you've been talking about, Jerry, in our marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've really benefited from the counsel that you give in the book, <em>Hedges.<\/em>\u00a0 It has caused me to pull back and think about my own practices.\u00a0 I mean, I wouldn\u2019t naturally think about not sharing a cab ride with a co-worker to a meeting somewhere, but as I've thought it through and read your counsel on it, it helped me see there's real wisdom in that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0I want to encourage listeners to get a copy of the book <em>Hedges.<\/em>\u00a0 We've got it in our FamilyLife resource center.\u00a0 With the book, there is a DVD in the back of you presenting this material at a church.\u00a0 I had a friend of mine recently who contacted me and said, \"Can you recommend a DVD that I could show to a men's group,\" and this is one of the ones I recommended to him.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we've got copies of the book with the free DVD in our FamilyLife resource center.\u00a0 You can go online to request a copy at FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call for more information at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Ask about the book <em>Hedges, <\/em>along with the free DVD when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY, or simply order it when you go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd of course, don\u2019t forget that this weekend is your last opportunity to take advantage of the special offer we are making for <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners. Plan to attend an upcoming FamilyLife<em> Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway.<em>\u00a0 <\/em>If you register before the weekend is over, and you register at the regular rate, your spouse comes at no additional cost; it\u2019s a buy one, get one free offer for couples.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve got to be a <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listener to qualify, and the way we know you\u2019re a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener is you either write my name in the key code box on the online registration form; just type \u201cBOB\u201d in there, or you call 1-800-FL-TODAY, register over the phone, and mention that you listen to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>If you need more information you can find it online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Plan to join us for an upcoming FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway.<em>\u00a0 <\/em>It\u2019s the best thing you can do to strengthen your marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow we want to encourage you to be back with us.\u00a0 Jerry Jenkins is going to be here again.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to continue talking about how we can establish the right kind of boundaries in our marriage.\u00a0 I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.\u00a0 Help for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302200","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302200"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302200"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302200"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302200"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302200"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302200"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302200"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}