{"id":302198,"date":"2011-01-20T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-01-20T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/how-to-predict-the-forecast\/"},"modified":"2011-01-20T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-01-20T17:00:00","slug":"how-to-predict-the-forecast","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-predict-the-forecast\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Predict the Forecast"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You walk in the door and immediately sense something is wrong.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-20.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"26.49M","filesize_raw":"27773265","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082],"tags":[2918],"podcast_series":[7782],"cwp_profile":[3245],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302198","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-conflict","podcast_series-marriage-forecasting","cwp_profile-tim-muehlhoff","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302198\/how-to-predict-the-forecast","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302198\/how-to-predict-the-forecast","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"VMX4HKi8yx\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-predict-the-forecast\/\">How to Predict the Forecast<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-predict-the-forecast\/embed\/#?secret=VMX4HKi8yx\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;How to Predict the Forecast&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"VMX4HKi8yx\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"You walk in the door and immediately sense something is wrong.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-20.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 Have you ever had anybody say to you, \u201cYou know, you can\u2019t get in trouble by the things you don\u2019t say.\u201d\u00a0 Well, that\u2019s not exactly entirely the case.\u00a0 Here is Dr. Tim Muehlhoff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One morning I was sitting in bed, and my wife walked in with a breakfast tray\u2014piping hot cup of coffee, a vase with a rose, and the morning paper with the sports page taken out and put on top.\u00a0 She walks right in and I was like, \u201cWow!\u201d\u00a0 People say marriage is work.\u00a0 What is work about this?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI literally said, \u201cWhat is all of this?\u201d\u00a0 You know, and Noreen said, \u201cHow would you like your eggs?\u201d and just turned around and kind of walked away.\u00a0 There was a card.\u00a0 She had put on lipstick and kissed the front of the card.\u00a0 I opened the card and it said, \u201cHappy anniversary.\u201d\u00a0 I thought to myself, \u201cUhh!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 20th.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey; and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Ever been there where you have been in trouble for something you should have said that you didn\u2019t say?\u00a0 We are going to talk about that today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 If any of our listeners have ever been to one of our <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae<\/em> marriage getaways where our guest, Dr. Tim Muehlhoff, and his wife Noreen have been speaking, you may have heard him share that story and share how it turned out.\u00a0 Let me just say if you have never been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway or if it has been a while since you have been to one of our getaways, we want to encourage you this week and next week to sign up and plan to attend a getaway this spring.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are going to be hosting these in more than 50 cities all across the country this spring.\u00a0 There is one coming to a city near you.\u00a0 If you sign up this week or next week, you can attend at the regular price and your spouse comes with you for free.\u00a0 It is a buy one-get one free offer that we are making for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners.\u00a0 It is good this week and next week only.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe way you qualify for it\u2014either go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Get more information about the getaway and go ahead and sign up online.\u00a0 As you are signing up on the online registration form, there is a key code box.\u00a0 You type my name in there\u2014just type in \u201cBOB.\u201d\u00a0 It will automatically take care of the special offer we are making for <em>FamilyLife today<\/em> listeners\u2014buy one-get one free.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 This is probably the easiest way to do it.\u00a0 Call 1-800-358-6329 (1-800-F as in \u201cFamily,\u201d L as in \u201cLife,\u201d and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Just mention that you would like to attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, and mention that you heard about it on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and you know there is a special offer.\u00a0 It is all taken care of at that point.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, it is a buy one-get one free offer.\u00a0 It is good this week and next week.\u00a0 Actually, it ends up at the end of the month.\u00a0 You can get in touch with us.\u00a0 Again, it is a buy one-get one free offer.\u00a0 Call 1-800-FL-TODAY or register online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Dennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I stayed at a place the other day\u2014it is a friend\u2019s house.\u00a0 I noticed that at the house they had this little gadget.\u00a0 It was a gadget that had today\u2019s date; it had the time; it had the temperature inside and the temperature outside\u2014by the way\u2014to the tenth of a degree.\u00a0 It had the humidity inside and outside, and it had the forecast at the bottom.\u00a0 I am so thrilled that our guest on today\u2019s broadcast has created a similar tool for marriages.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It is amazing.\u00a0 Aren\u2019t we offering this at our FamilyLife TodayResource Center?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 It is going to be about $100,000 a piece \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tbecause who wouldn\u2019t pay; am I right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That is right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Dr. Tim Muehlhoff joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Tim is a professor at Biola University.\u00a0 He is also one of our speakers at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\u00a0 He has written a book called <em>Marriage Forecasting<\/em>.\u00a0 Explain what you mean when you talk about a climate in a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It is funny, Dennis, the first thing we do when we go anywhere is we do exactly what you did at your friend\u2019s house.\u00a0 We check out the weather.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is the weather going to be like today?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cHey, honey, can you check the weather real quick?\u201d\u00a0 It is amazing we don\u2019t do that in our marriages.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So is there a way to diagnose quickly what the climate is like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I dedicate a whole chapter to, \u201cHow do you take a marriage forecast?\u201d\u00a0 By the way, there are two quick ways to check any weather.\u00a0 One, stick your head out the window.\u00a0 You can do that very quickly or use a sophisticated instrument, like at your friend\u2019s house.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the book, I offer two quick ways to do it.\u00a0 We are mentioning four elements of the communication climate:\u00a0 acknowledgement, expectations, commitment, and trust.\u00a0 You can ask four very simple questions to do a quick read of any marriage.\u00a0 One, \u201cDo I feel acknowledged in my marriage?\u201d\u00a0 Second, \u201cAre my expectations being met?\u201d\u00a0 Third, \u201cDo I feel like my spouse is committed to me?\u201d\u00a0 Then fourth, \u201cCan I trust my spouse?\u201d\u00a0 The answer to those four questions will give you a really rough marital readout of what is the climate of your marriage.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also take more time and be much more reflective on your marriage.\u00a0 In the book, I offer a whole chapter that will really allow you to think more deeply and get a better reading; but I think you can step back and ask those four very quick questions.\u00a0 You can get a rough reading of any kind of relationship\u2014between you and your kids, you and your coworkers, and you and your spouse.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Is there a difference between commitment and trust?\u00a0 You talk about those as elements of a healthy climate for communication.\u00a0 I would think that there is\u201cconnectiveness;\u201d but I guess there is a difference between being committed and trusting one another, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We have been talking about the four elements of communication climate\u2014First is acknowledgement\u2014being mindful of that other person.\u00a0 Comment on what they say and on what they do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond, we have been talking about expectations.\u00a0 Get those expectations on the table.\u00a0 Talk about them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe third element is commitment.\u00a0 How committed do you feel that other person is to the overall general relationship?\u00a0 Very important in a culture of divorce where people are calling it quits all over the place that you sit down and you feel that a person is committed to this relationship.\u00a0 There are two important aspects to that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFirst, John Gottman, one of the world\u2019s greatest experts on marriage, says he can tell the strength of a marriage by hearing how a couple talks about the past\u2014really interesting.\u00a0 He says, \u201cWhen couples talk about the past, they either do one of two things.\u201d\u00a0 One, they talk about the past with a sense of pride\u2014a sense of almost nostalgia\u2014or when they talk about the past, they always talk about it negatively.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI came across a very interesting story from Erma Bombeck.\u00a0 You know, she was married for 40 years.\u00a0 In talking about her marriage, she talked about the three wars that they had witnessed; she talked about the three miscarriages she had gone through; she talked about the 19 camping trips they had gone on.\u00a0 She said, \u201cI stopped counting slammed doors at 3,009.\u201d\u00a0 When you listen to her talk about those 40 years, you could hear the sense of pride as she talked about it.\u00a0 At the very end of this very interesting newspaper article, she said, \u201cYou know, my husband and I accomplished something that is very rare and very precious.\u201d\u00a0 You could hear it in her voice.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary Thomas talks about something called sacred history.\u00a0 When you are together and you stay together, you develop a history that is literally sacred.\u00a0 Listening to people talk about their past, they just talk about the negative times.\u00a0 They just, \u201cWow, my husband did this and that failed,\u201d and \u201cThis never happened,\u201d and \u201cThis didn\u2019t quite work out.\u201d\u00a0 Gottman says, \u201cI can tell you about the commitment of a couple in how they talk about the past--even the hard times that, \u2018We stayed together.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, commitment is made up of present investments into the relationship.\u00a0 Are you investing into that relationship?\u00a0 This is where gender differences really come in I find. Women more often view investments as being verbal.\u00a0 You are investing in the relationship if, \u201cWe sit down and have a great conversation.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Noreen will say, \u201cHoney, let\u2019s grab a cup of coffee,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s take the dog; and let\u2019s go for a walk and let\u2019s just talk.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMen can tend to view investments as being side by side.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s go off and do something together\u2014invest in the marriage by us going off and doing something.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m a huge hockey fan\u2014the Detroit Redwings\u2014I just love them.\u00a0 Noreen will actually sit down and watch a game with me.\u00a0 Now, she could have lived a fulfilled life not know anything about Detroit Redwings hockey and why they throw an octopus on the ice every time we score a goal, but she will sit down with me and actually get excited when we score a goal and be bummed when our goalie gets hurt\u2014and even know that he got hurt.\u00a0 That is arousing to me that she would know that!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTalk about hot sex now\u2014that to me is, you know what I mean?\u00a0 To me, it is her being there as an activity-base.\u00a0 To be investing in it is part of the commitment process where we are not only reflecting on the past and celebrating that, but we are investing in the future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is interesting because when you first said commitment, I thought about the issue of permanence.\u00a0 I thought, \u201cCommitment means, \u2018I\u2019m committed; I\u2019m here.\u00a0 I am not going anywhere.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Yet, we can be committed and here and not going anywhere and still be checked out and emotionally detached and isolated from one another.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 When we are talking about committed to the relationship, you are not just talking about the pledge to go all the way to the finish line together, you are talking about being committed to that kind of regular investing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the things you write about in your book, Tim, that I really like, you said, \u201cCommitment is the assumption of a future.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I really like that because if there can\u2019t be the assumption that we are going to be together in the future, like Bob is talking about, it is hard for anything else to fall into place in the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So there really is an element of, \u201cI am demonstrating the priority that this relationship has in my life and I am demonstrating my commitment that way.\u201d\u00a0 There is also the element, \u201cAND I am pledging that there will be a future.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh, absolutely!\u00a0 I am pledging that there is going to be a future by investing in the present.\u00a0 I like what you said, Bob.\u00a0 Let\u2019s be engaged in this commitment.\u00a0 It is not just saying, \u201cI\u2019m going to be here until \u2018death do us part.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 I think that is important, but it is demonstrating that I am going to do that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say to couples all the time, \u201cEvery year that you are married, one:\u00a0 Think of the credibility you have in this culture that is known as the Divorce Culture.\u00a0 Your credibility with your kids, with your friends, with family members goes up and you have added one more year to your sacred history.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Tim, commitment is important in how we resolve conflicts.\u00a0 You and Noreen had an argument where she made a statement that got your attention. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>We were having an argument.\u00a0 It was a fairly intense argument.\u00a0 In the midst of it, she stopped and she said, \u201cListen, we need to get this resolved or the next 30 years are going to be pretty miserable.\u201d\u00a0 The subtext was huge!\u00a0 The subtext says, \u201cListen, I\u2019m not going anywhere.\u00a0 So, if we don\u2019t get this resolved, we are going to be pretty miserable people as we go year after year after year together.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I like her statement because she is letting you know, \u201cYou know what, I will be there; but hey, Sweetheart, let\u2019s figure it out now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think that is great.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong><strong>\u201c<\/strong>Let\u2019s not relive this hundreds of times in the next 30 years.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Let me go back, though, because I asked you if there was a difference between trust and commitment or if the two are intertwined.\u00a0 As I hear you describing commitment, there are some trust elements that are a part of the commitment; but really, trust does go a step farther, doesn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They are intertwined, but trust can be broken down into two very specific aspects that I think distance itself a little bit from commitment.\u00a0 When we talk about trust, people often just want to talk about relational trust; but I think that is rushing the discussion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne key part of trust is what we call self-trust.\u00a0 In other words, \u201cOf course I want my wife to trust me.\u201d\u00a0 But I first have to ask the question, \u201cAm I trustworthy?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPlato had this great thing that he would do with his students.\u00a0 He would take a ring; and he would say, \u201cThis ring\u2014What if I gave it to you and when you put it on, it made you invisible to everybody?\u201d\u00a0 When you put it on, nobody would ever see what you do when you wear this ring.\u201d\u00a0 Plato had the idea that most of us are good because we are afraid to get caught.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPlato said, \u201cOkay, let\u2019s take that off the table.\u00a0 Now when you put this ring on, you won\u2019t get caught.\u201d\u00a0 Now you can cheat on a test.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because when you put the ring on, nobody will see you cheat on the test.\u00a0 So you put the ring on\u2014Plato said, \u201cNow I want you to notice things about yourself.\u00a0 What do you notice when the ring is on?\u201d\u00a0 You say you don\u2019t want to look at pornography\u2014you are above that.\u00a0 But when you put the ring on, what do you do when no one can look at you and notice what you are watching?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You actually had one of our conferees, our guests, at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways come up to you and express to you he was about to lose his marriage because of this issue.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 He said, \u201cMy wife is going to leave.\u00a0 She is done with me.\u201d\u00a0 As we were talking, she walked up.\u00a0 It was an odd experience.\u00a0 I said to her, \u201cYour husband has told me that you are thinking about leaving.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cYes.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhy?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, my trust\u2014it is gone.\u00a0 It is finished.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWhy?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cBecause he was habitually looking at pornography and I just cannot trust him anymore.\u201d\u00a0 I said to her, \u201cDo you think he is done with it?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 I just don\u2019t know.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat is predicated on two things:\u00a0 One, he needs to take a long look in the mirror and ask the question, \u201cAm I really done with this?\u201d\u00a0 That is King David praying to God, \u201cSearch me, O God, and know my heart.\u201d\u00a0 None of us are perfect, but all of us need to ask the question, \u201cBefore I ask my spouse to trust me, I need to ask the hard question, \u201cAm I trustworthy?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Your diagnosis here\u2014you are helping us see to really ask that question, we have to ask, \u201cWhat would we do with the ring on?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Our trustworthiness is predicated upon who are we at the core\u2014not just, \u201cHow do we manage our behavior in public?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, and manipulate our spouses into believing, \u201cI am trustworthy,\u201d when in fact, \u201cI am not.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So one aspect of trust is this sense of trustworthiness.\u00a0 What is the other aspect?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It is relational trust.\u00a0 It is going into a relationship saying, \u201cI will do two things.\u00a0 One, I will protect your back.\u00a0 I will consistently put your needs above my needs.\u00a0 I will put your welfare above my welfare.\u201d\u00a0 Very important!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond, it is saying, \u201cYou can trust what I have to say.\u00a0 When I say something to you, you don\u2019t always have to sit there and think, \u2018Now, I just don\u2019t know what to think.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I can trust this person.\u2019\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if you went on that business trip, can I trust what you did?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I can trust you with finances.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I can trust you with my self-disclosures\u2014when I really intimately reveal issues about myself.\u00a0 What will you do with that information?\u00a0 Will you use that information against me in the heat of an argument?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRelational trust is really important.\u00a0 \u201cAs I reveal myself to you\u2014that you are a person who will not use those things against me and attack me whenever it serves your purposes.\u201d\u00a0 Those are very important issues.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTrust is important because psychologists will say, \u201cIf trust is lacking, then I become suspicious of every single thing you do.\u201d\u00a0 We talked about acknowledgement.\u00a0 If I am seeking to acknowledge my spouse and she doesn\u2019t trust me, she might be thinking, \u201cNow, why are you acknowledging me right now?\u00a0 Is it because you want sexual intimacy tonight?\u00a0 Are you acknowledging me right now because you have done something bad and you are trying to butter me up because I know an apology is coming later?\u201d\u00a0 If trust is lacking, every good thing I do is seen through a suspicious lens because, \u201cI no longer trust you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You have an illustration from your own marriage around breakfast in bed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Ahhh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>For Noreen? Huh?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 Every marriage has what we call implicit and explicit rules.\u00a0 Implicit rules are the rules you don\u2019t necessarily talk about\u2014they are just implicit.\u00a0 One morning, I was sitting in bed, and my wife walked in with a breakfast tray\u2014piping hot cup of coffee, a vase with a rose, and the morning paper with the sports page taken out and put on top.\u00a0 She walks right in and I was like, \u201cWow!\u201d\u00a0 People say marriage is work.\u00a0 What is work about this?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You mean you don\u2019t have this happen every day?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No, I do not.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI do not.\u00a0 I literally said, \u201cWhat is all of this?\u201d\u00a0 And Noreen said, \u201cHow would you like your eggs?\u201d and just turned around and kind of walked away.\u00a0 There was a card.\u00a0 She had put on lipstick and kissed the front of the card.\u00a0 I opened the card and it said, \u201cHappy anniversary.\u201d\u00a0 I thought to myself, \u201cUhh!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had totally forgotten it.\u00a0 I thought to myself, \u201cI didn\u2019t say, \u2018What is all of this?\u2019 did I?\u201d\u00a0 Sure enough\u2014there was dead silence from the kitchen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>What kind of eggs did you get, by the way?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It did not matter.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt did not matter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh, Buddy!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So that is trust.\u00a0 That is a trust issue.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Wait, wait.\u00a0 How is that a trust issue?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Because Noreen had trusted me that things like anniversaries, birthdays, celebrations\u2014she trusted me that I would celebrate those things and cherish them.\u00a0 Why did she trust me?\u00a0 Because certainly, when we were courting, I had set up those expectations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>There were expectations.\u00a0 There was acknowledgement in the past.\u00a0 You had built some kind of an explicit sense of, \u201cThis is who I am.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong><strong>\u201c<\/strong>This is who I am,\u201d and early on in the marriage, it served me really well\u2014certainly, in courtship\u2014all of those things served me well.\u00a0 Now, I was in the midst of my career.\u00a0 Things were just popping\u2014deadlines\u2014I was doing my graduate work.\u00a0 Things were popping.\u00a0 It was off the radar.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>As you were talking about these elements of trust, I was thinking about questions we can ask one another.\u00a0 \u201cIs there anything I do that you look at and go, \u2018I wonder if that is really true about him?\u00a0 Is that for real or is that a show?\u2019\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 To ask one another those questions, I think, will help get to the heart of, \u201cDo I feel like I can trust you?\u00a0 You can trust me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other question is, \u201cIs there any time you don\u2019t feel safe with me?\u00a0 Is there any time when we are together that you wonder, \u2018Has he got my back?\u2019 or \u2018I better act this way or something is going to happen,\u2019 or \u2018I better not say this or this would happen.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are times in my marriage when I have thought, \u201cIf I said what I am really thinking right now, what would be the outcome\u2014not because I would say something insulting; but if I peeled back the veneer and said, \u2018Here is what I am really feeling right now,\u2019 would Mary Ann go, \u2018Really?\u00a0 That\u2019s you?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Would she move away; would she reject?\u00a0 These are the trust elements that determine whether or not we can have real communication.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Bob, I think those questions are so good\u2014we need to put them on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com and just let couples perhaps consider asking them of one another maybe tonight over dinner or, if it is not the right time, maybe it should be tomorrow or perhaps this weekend.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes.\u00a0 I can tell you what I have decided as a result of our conversation this week.\u00a0 I have decided and I have shared already this week about the stormy post-anniversary dinner.\u00a0 We are going to do a do-over on that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Hey, that is a great idea.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I am just going to say to Mary Ann, \u201cLet\u2019s go have...\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No really, I like that!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u201cLet\u2019s go have another night and we will do a do-over.\u201d\u00a0 I am going to acknowledge and nod and keep eye contact.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You are going to leave your cell phone at home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I don\u2019t know\u2014let\u2019s not go\u2014come on!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCome on!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe point we are trying to make here is that what we do and the things we say do communicate value.\u00a0 If we value one another\u2014which is what we pledged to do\u2014which is what God calls us to do\u2014then we need to communicate that.\u00a0 We need to recognize that our actions and our words are going to communicate how much we value one another.\u00a0 That is the point.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat is the point you make in <em>Marriage Forecasting <\/em>which we have in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.\u00a0 Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to order a copy of Dr. Tim Muehlhoff\u2019s book <em>Marriage Forecasting<\/em>:\u00a0 <em>Changing the Climate of Your Relationship One Conversation at a Time <\/em>or call toll-free 1-800-FL-TODAY (1-800-358-6329) 1-800-F as in \u201cFamily,\u201d L as in \u201cLife,\u201d and then the word TODAY.\u00a0 Go online or give us a call to order a copy of Dr. Tim\u2019s book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also sign up for an upcoming FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 We are going to be hosting these events in more than 50 cities this spring all around the country.\u00a0 If you sign up this week or next week, and if you communicate with us that you are a <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listener, you will be able to take advantage of a special buy one-get one free opportunity for <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners.\u00a0 You pay regular price to attend and your spouse comes at no additional cost.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTake advantage of that offer this week and next week by either going to FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014you can find out when a conference is coming to a city near you\u2014get all the information you need online and then register online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 When you come to the key code box on the online registration form, type my name, type \u201cBOB,\u201d in the key code box.\u00a0 That will qualify you for the buy one-get one free offer.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call 1-800-FL-TODAY (1-800-358-6329).\u00a0 Mention that you are a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener and that you heard about this special offer; or say, \u201cBob told me to call.\u201d\u00a0 You can sign up over the phone and take advantage of the buy one-get one free opportunity.\u00a0 Let us hear from you.\u00a0 The deadline is the end of the month.\u00a0 Contact us either this week or next week and plan to attend an upcoming FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow we want to talk about how you re-engage in a conversation that didn\u2019t go well the first time you tried to talk about it.\u00a0 Dr. Tim Muehlhoff is going to be with us again.\u00a0 Hope you can be back with us as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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