{"id":302197,"date":"2011-01-19T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-01-19T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/whats-the-temperature-in-your-home\/"},"modified":"2011-01-19T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-01-19T17:00:00","slug":"whats-the-temperature-in-your-home","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-the-temperature-in-your-home\/","title":{"rendered":"What&#8217;s the Temperature in Your Home?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The dialogue between you and your spouse has just turned chilly.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-19.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.76M","filesize_raw":"24917924","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082],"tags":[4527],"podcast_series":[7782],"cwp_profile":[3245],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302197","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-communication","podcast_series-marriage-forecasting","cwp_profile-tim-muehlhoff","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302197\/whats-the-temperature-in-your-home","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302197\/whats-the-temperature-in-your-home","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"z6DqSlbbiS\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-the-temperature-in-your-home\/\">What&#8217;s the Temperature in Your Home?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-the-temperature-in-your-home\/embed\/#?secret=z6DqSlbbiS\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;What&#8217;s the Temperature in Your Home?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"z6DqSlbbiS\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"The dialogue between you and your spouse has just turned chilly.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-19.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the things that clouds and colors our marital communication is the expectations that we bring into marriage, expectations that our spouse may not even be aware that we have.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Dr. Tim Muehlhoff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Expectations.\u00a0 All of us have them, huge expectations.\u00a0 One huge expectation for Noreen was finances. She just expected early in the marriage that I would do the finances, which was kind of crazy because I was a theater major!\u00a0 Noreen had calculus.\u00a0 I had mime classes!\u00a0 This was crazy!\u00a0 So early on I did the checkbook and Noreen would say \u201cis it balanced?\u201d and I would say \u201cNo, but I feel good about it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, January 19<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Dr. Tim Muehlhoff joins us today to talk about what we do in marriage when our expectations don\u2019t balance and when our communication is in a deficit.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBefore we talk about expectations and communication in marriage, we want to make sure we\u2019re communicating clearly with our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners about the special offer we are making to our FamilyLife Today listeners this week and next week.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can sign up with us to attend one of our upcoming FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00ae getaways.\u00a0 They\u2019re kicking off Valentine\u2019s weekend and they\u2019re continuing throughout the spring. We\u2019ve got 50 plus events happening in cities all around the country this spring.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you sign up this week or next week and you identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener, you and your spouse can attend.\u00a0 You go at the regular price and your spouse comes free.\u00a0 So it\u2019s a buy one, get one free option that we\u2019re making available to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe way you qualify for this is you call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 Say \u201cwe\u2019d like to go to one of the getaways and we listen to FamilyLife Today\u201d or \u201cBob told us to call.\u201d\u00a0 Either one of those will work.\u00a0 If you are online at FamilyLifeToday.com you can get all the information that you need about the getaways while you are online and you can register online. As you fill out the registration form, there is a key code box.\u00a0 Just type my name in there.\u00a0 Just type \u201cBOB\u201d and you\u2019ll automatically qualify for the special offer for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners.\u00a0 Buy one registration at the regular price.\u00a0 Get a second registration free.\u00a0 But you need to take advantage of that this week or next week.\u00a0 The offer expires at the end of the month.\u00a0 So let us hear from you.\u00a0 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number or register online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, Bob, I\u2019ve got a weather question for our guest today.\u00a0 So I\u2019m going to introduce him right off the bat here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>Our marital meteorologist?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s exactly right.\u00a0 Dr. Tim!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>Dr. Tim, the marital meteorologist!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\u00a0 That laugh is the laugh of Dr. Tim Muehlhoff.\u00a0 Tim, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>Now don\u2019t you love that introduction?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 It makes me nervous.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It should.\u00a0 I\u2019ve got a great question for you.\u00a0 Tim is a professor at Biola University.\u00a0 He has his communication\u2026 (I\u2019m building this up for the question because my weather question is really in the sweet spot of all his education.)\u00a0 He has a PhD from North Carolina and has three sons and a wife of more than two decades and has written a book called <em>Marriage Forecasting<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s my question for you, Tim.\u00a0 What was the weather like in the Garden of Eden?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Perfect conditions.\u00a0 Well perfect conditions for God and from a communication climate, is what I\u2019ll deal with\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 \u2026it was perfect between God and Adam and Eve.\u00a0 Almost perfect conditions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Until\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Until the fall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2026which ruptured virtually everything.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So I\u2019ve had a little time to think about my question.\u00a0 And it wasn\u2019t meant to catch you off guard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>What it was meant for\u2026I want to ask you a question and then I\u2019ll answer it after you\u2019ve taken a stand because I\u2019ve had a chance to think about it.\u00a0 So Dennis, what is the right answer?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think, after the fall, I think it was a bit chilly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, after the fall\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u2026after the fall.\u00a0 And I knew that Tim was going to answer it before the fall.\u00a0 But thinking about it from a marriage forecasting standpoint, what did they do after they sinned?\u00a0 They got clothing.\u00a0 They covered up.\u00a0 And since the beginning of, really, Genesis 3, we have been covering up from one another.\u00a0 It\u2019s the result of the temperature between a man and a woman, which is what your book is all about.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have to say here, just so the listener doesn\u2019t think I\u2019m trying to have a one-upmanship over Tim, I really believe this is the best book I have ever read on marital communication for couples today.\u00a0 Bob and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.\u00a0 We have been looking for a great book to recommend to our listeners that will really fill a tool chest, to be able to communication.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat you\u2019ve done is you\u2019ve compared our communication to a weather forecast between two couples.\u00a0 You start with a concept that there\u2019s really three kinds of weather that couple experience in marriage.\u00a0 The reason I want you to tackle this is because I think all three are listening to our broadcast right now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, exactly.\u00a0 Some couples live in a chilly climate.\u00a0 They never connect.\u00a0 They\u2019re always at odds with each other.\u00a0 That conflict hovers around them continually.\u00a0 It\u2019s perpetual conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And it\u2019s interesting.\u00a0 You\u2019ve seen the research done by John Gottman years ago where he brought video cameras in and watched how couples communicated with one another.\u00a0 We tend to think that if there\u2019s marital discord it\u2019s going to be loud and it\u2019s going to be explosive.\u00a0 But he found that where there\u2019s contempt, where there was these little digs\u2026\u00a0 It\u2019s that chilly climate where it doesn\u2019t have to be loud but there\u2019s just\u2026\u00a0 You can tell.\u00a0 It\u2019s about thirty degrees below where it ought to be in the home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s a negative communication spiral that is continually slowly spiraling down and down and it\u2019s devastating after a while.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>But there are two other kinds?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 The other one would be that it\u2019s partly cloudy.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019re fine in the marriage so long as we avoid certain topics.\u00a0 So we\u2019re fine so long as we don\u2019t\u2019 talk about finances.\u00a0 We\u2019re fine so long as we don\u2019t talk about sexual intimacy.\u00a0 We\u2019re fine so long as we don\u2019t talk about the in-laws.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I have found that couples will really shrink their relationships down to a handful of topics that we can actually talk about.\u00a0 \u201cWe can\u2019t really talk about us anymore so let\u2019s talk about the kids.\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about their schedules.\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about what we need to do for their education.\u201d\u00a0 Sadly, that cloud hovers over the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So I presume there\u2019s a sunny relationship somewhere around the corner here, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 There are couples who do really well.\u00a0 The sun is out.\u00a0 It\u2019s like Southern California.\u00a0 Now they do well for one or two reasons.\u00a0 They do well, one, because they have good communication skills.\u00a0 They address it.\u00a0 They may be read a book on marriage very once in a while.\u00a0 They maybe attend a marriage conference every once in a while.\u00a0 Or they\u2019re fairly attentive to issues.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr it\u2019s perpetually sunny because they\u2019re allowing things to build up.\u00a0 Issues are coming and building up.\u00a0 They\u2019re not addressing them.\u00a0 They really are being swept underneath the carpet.\u00a0 Now that\u2019s kind of scary because eventually these issues will come to the forefront.\u00a0 So some people have perpetually sunny relationships because all of these issues are happening but they are choosing, for whatever reason, not really to talk about it.\u00a0 So it is sunny but eventually they\u2019re going to hit some pretty turbulent climates later on in the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>All of these marriages you\u2019re talking about are really the climate, what we\u2019re talking about here, kind of the weather of a marriage relationship, and how we communicate really determines what kind of weather we experience.\u00a0 Your book is really built around helping people change the weather.\u00a0 If they are partly cloudy or they do live in a sunny marriage where they\u2019re sweeping things under the rug, there really is hope for change in that situation, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, there really is.\u00a0 And hope comes in the form of understanding what makes up a communication climate.\u00a0 Four areas make up a communication climate.\u00a0 One we\u2019ve talked about and that is acknowledgement.\u00a0 And again, communication theorists believe this is the single most important one, that I simply acknowledge you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWilliams James, a philosopher, said that he could think of the worst punishment imaginable and that would be that you would go out into a community and no one acknowledges you.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve gone church shopping you know what this is like.\u00a0 You walk into a church, you go through the church service, and no one says hello to you.\u00a0 No one even notices that you visited.\u00a0 You walk out and you just feel horrible because no one said \u201chi.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve even admitted this on the broadcast. Bob, you can tell me.\u00a0 But one of the things that really makes me angry is when I\u2019m stonewalled. When someone ignores me.\u00a0 That\u2019s what you\u2019re talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Probably the worst year of my life was my freshman year in college.\u00a0 I went from being kind of well-known in my high school and I was president of my senior class and had friends.\u00a0 It was great.\u00a0 My senior year, I look back on lots of fond memories.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I got to the college campus and I would walk around the campus and nobody knew me and I didn\u2019t know them.\u00a0 Nobody was stopping me and waving and saying \u201chi.\u201d\u00a0 The sense of loneliness and isolation that I felt was really\u2026\u00a0 I look back on it and I\u2019ve warned my kids as I\u2019ve sent them off to college\u2026\u201dthis is a struggle.\u00a0 Unless you\u2019ll go out and initiate it, it\u2019s not going to come to you.\u201d\u00a0 But I kept expecting that folks would go \u201cHey, did you hear Bob Lepine has come to the college?\u00a0 \u201d We need to go over and welcome him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And you\u2019re one of ten thousand people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It\u2019s one thing if that\u2019s on a college campus and you can kind of look around and say \u201cthis makes sense.\u201d\u00a0 If you\u2019re in a marriage and you feel isolated and you feel alone and you feel unacknowledged, boy, that\u2019s a deep kind of loneliness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I\u2019ve never forget a course review I had for one of my classes I taught.\u00a0 A student said on the written part, \u201cIt made my semester when Dr. Muehlhoff called on me by name and said good point.\u201d\u00a0 That was it, \u201ccalled on me by name.\u201d\u00a0 After the student said something apparently I just simply said \u201cOh hey, good point.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You just acknowledged him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 So that made my student\u2019s semester, that somebody that they cared about, their professor, acknowledged them and then validated his or her opinion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Okay, let\u2019s apply that in marriage then.\u00a0 Give me some practical ways a husband can apply that and for a wife to her husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure, in a disagreement.\u00a0 We\u2019re talking about finances.\u00a0 I just disagree with my wife.\u00a0 But in the midst of the disagreement I stop and I look at her and I say \u201cokay, Noreen, you\u2019ve given me a lot to think about and I have to say you\u2019ve made a good point.\u00a0 That was a good point.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You\u2019re not saying everything you\u2019re thinking\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that was a good point.\u00a0 I might disagree with a bunch of it but what you just said right there, that was a good point and I need to think about that.\u00a0 Instead of saying \u201cokay, let me give you five reasons I disagree with what you\u2019re saying,\u201d which would be my temptation having been on the debate team in college.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And, by the way, walk into a house at the end of a crazy day, acknowledge stuff that my wife has done.\u00a0 There have been times in our marriage where we have felt tension and I can trace all of that tension back to the feeling of feeling unappreciated. So Noreen and I read in a book somewhere \u201cdon\u2019t let a day go by without publicly appreciating your spouse.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo in those times when we have felt that tension, that climate, start to decrease, Noreen and I have made an agreement that we will not let the day end without affirming each other verbally.\u00a0 Noreen and I have incorporated that even with our kids as well.\u00a0 I\u2019ll see something that one of my kids is doing and I\u2019ll say \u201cThanks for doing that.\u00a0 Thank you for doing that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Last night Barbara and I went out for dinner and she did something that she does a lot.\u00a0 She just said \u201cI want to thank you for the meal tonight.\u201d\u00a0 Now a part of her love language is going out to dinner.\u00a0 She doesn\u2019t have to cook.\u00a0 But she didn\u2019t have to say thanks.\u00a0 I mean we share that today in terms of earning the money to be able to go out to eat.\u00a0 But she just expresses an appreciation at that point for something I\u2019ve done for her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s move on to the second component of how you change the climate in your marriage.\u00a0 What is it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Expectations.\u00a0 Huge.\u00a0 What expectations did you bring into the marriage?\u00a0 All of us have them, huge expectations.\u00a0 One huge expectation for Noreen was finances.\u00a0 Her dad was a traveling businessman and she just expected early in the marriage that I would do the finances which was kind of crazy because, as I mentioned before, I was a theater major!\u00a0 Noreen had calculus.\u00a0 I had mime classes!\u00a0 This was crazy.\u00a0 So early on I did the checkbook.\u00a0 And Noreen would say \u201cIs it balanced?\u201d and I would say, \u201cNo, but I feel good about it!?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughing)\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You skill also showed up in your response to when the van broke down early in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 The van broke down and Noreen looked at me.\u00a0 Her dad was a Mr. Fix-It type of guy.\u00a0 Just insane.\u00a0 He was MacGyver!\u00a0 Her dad could build a bomb out of rope.\u00a0 It was ludicrous.\u00a0 So the van wouldn\u2019t start.\u00a0 Noreen looked at me and said \u201cHoney, the van won\u2019t start.\u201d\u00a0 And I said \u201cBummer\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>What do you want me to do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 What do you want me to do?\u00a0 So I walked outside\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u201cLet\u2019s go fix it!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 So I walked outside, popped the hood, and stood there.\u00a0 I had mime classes!\u00a0 Maybe I could fix an imaginary van in a wind tunnel.\u00a0 I had mime classes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo these expectations that we bring in to a marriage, what do we do with those expectations?\u00a0 Let me suggest two things we do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne, I think we need to lower our expectations.\u00a0 Sue Johnson, a psychologist, says \u201cWe live in a community of two.\u201d\u00a0 In our crazy transitional world we don\u2019t live in communities anymore.\u00a0 Our community is me and my spouse and the pressure we put on our spouse is what her grandmother used to get from her community, Sue Johnson says.\u00a0 I really think that\u2019s true.\u00a0 We expect, I think, too much of our spouse, to meet all of our emotional needs, physical needs.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think as followers of Christ we have the body of Christ.\u00a0 We have to be part of a collection of New Testament believers that takes the pressure off.\u00a0 We belong to what we call a homebuilders group.\u00a0 This marriage group, we meet each other\u2019s needs and that takes the pressure off of Noreen to meet all of my emotional needs.\u00a0 And I ought to have a walk with God in which He is meeting deep spiritual needs that I don\u2019t look at my spouse and say \u201cYou need to meet my need for unconditional love.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the things that\u2019s a problem in our culture, that you mention in your book, is that we go to movies that increase our expectations, especially around the idea of romantic love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 In research coming out of London, they took a look at fifty of the top American romance movies\u2026\u00a0 You\u2019ve Got Mail\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Sleepless in Seattle\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sleepless in Seattle.\u00a0 The Notebook\u2026 and movies like that, and they said it fosters unrealistic expectations.\u00a0 One of them being that your spouse ought to intuitively know what your needs are without you having to express them, which is kind of crazy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRemoving the need for communication.\u00a0 And they actually said at the end that they feel like American romance movies have spoiled romance for American\u2019s by placing too big of expectations on what romance can actually provide for the average American.\u00a0 I find that very interesting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You do wonder how many couples look at what is on the screen and then look at each and go \u201cWe\u2019re not like that\u201d and then the conclusion is that the problem must be us, rather than \u201cIf we had someone writing us a script and paying us a lot of money, maybe we could act that way.\u201d\u00a0 So it is an unrealistic expectation that the culture sets for us.\u00a0 That\u2019s an interesting point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 We can enjoy a romantic comedy and laugh at it. But know that that\u2019s not reality.\u00a0 We know it\u2019s not reality because often the actors and actresses who are playing these characters, in real life, are deeply struggling individuals who have marriages that in no way reflect what we see on the screen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second part about expectations is to get them out in the open.\u00a0 If you have an expectation it\u2019s better to say \u201cYou know, I kind of had an expectation about tonight.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne thing I share in the book is my favorite card that Noreen has ever purchased for me.\u00a0 It is an anniversary card and the card says when you read it:\u00a0 \u201cHoney, here\u2019s what I\u2019m hoping for on our anniversary.\u201d\u00a0 And it says \u201cHot sex now.\u201d\u00a0 And it\u2019s just glorious!\u00a0 It\u2019s actually in literally glittery letters and it actually has a little puppy dog with his tail wagging!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And he\u2019s grinning big!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, he\u2019s grinning.\u00a0 Then unfortunately this card opens and when you open the card you realize that \u201cHot sex now\u201d is really just an acrostic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0H-o-t s-e-x n-o-w\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 The \u201ch\u201d for hot is holding hands.\u00a0 The \u201co\u201d is openly talking about our feelings.\u00a0 The \u201ct\u201d of hot is watching a ballet.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Wait, watching a ballet?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They stretched that on the \u201ct.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Come on.\u00a0 By the way the dog is no longer wagging his tail.\u00a0 So you know, the \u201cs\u201d of sex is sharing our dreams.\u00a0 By the way, the \u201cx\u201d of sex is taking time to relax!\u00a0 So you can see what is happening, right.\u00a0 On our anniversary, dinner is going to end in sex.\u00a0 It has to.\u00a0 That just makes sense to a man.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd Noreen is thinking anniversary, \u201cBut Tim, we\u2019re going to go for a long walk.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to hold hands, and we\u2019re going to think about all of our past anniversaries.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to cuddle.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have flavored coffee.\u00a0 You\u2019re going to give me a back rub.\u00a0 Probably you will have learned sentences in French.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>By then it will be six o\u2019clock in the morning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yeah, I\u2019m ready for bed!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(All laughing)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 So better to get these expectations out on the table.\u00a0 But here\u2019s the problem with expectations.\u00a0 I don\u2019t feel like I have to articulate these.\u00a0 \u201cHoney, I shouldn\u2019t have to articulate sex.\u00a0 That\u2019s just a given.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNoreen would say \u201cWell no, it\u2019s not a given.\u00a0 And I shouldn\u2019t have to articulate that we\u2019re going to have intimate conversation over dinner on our anniversary, for crying out loud!\u201d\u00a0 So we don\u2019t articulate these expectations and then we get really frustrated.\u00a0 The climate starts to chill.\u00a0 And when we realize there\u2019s really a good chance these expectations aren\u2019t going to be fulfilled the climate starts to chill.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, Tim, I think a lot of our listeners are going to want to see the card\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, hand me the card.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The card Noreen gave you for\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>She paid $3.73 for this card.\u00a0 Three dollars and seventy-three cents to try to communicate to you what she wanted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Holding hands, watch the ballet.\u00a0 Yeah right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Recalling how we met.\u00a0 Going the distance.\u00a0 Yeah, okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>But the point is acknowledging our spouse as a person and also clarifying expectations is really about how you create a relationship, an honest relationship that affirms the other person.\u00a0 And really tries to meet their needs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, it\u2019s about creating the kind of climate where you are communicating effectively that you value another person, that you are living your life in a way that honors your spouse, which is what we pledge to do when we first get married.\u00a0 And then we get distracted, whether it\u2019s the world or the flesh or the devil, we wind up not keeping our love for our spouse in the place of priority where it needs t be.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think your book, Tim, gives us an opportunity to reset the thermostat in our home and make the adjustments we need to make so that the marital climate can be a comfortable climate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe book is called <em>Marriage Forecasting, Changing the Climate of Your Relationship, One Conversation at a time.<\/em>\u00a0 It\u2019s by our guest, Dr. Tim Muehlhoff.\u00a0 You can order a copy when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>And then don\u2019t forget that this week and next week, you have an opportunity as a couple to attend one of our upcoming Weekend to Remember marriage getaways.\u00a0 If you sign up this week or next week, you can take advantage of a special buy one, get one free offer that we are making for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners.\u00a0 When you register at the regular rate your spouse comes at no additional cost.\u00a0 Buy one, get one free.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo take advantage of that opportunity you need to first of all go to FamilyLifeToday.com and you can find all the information you need on our website.\u00a0 There is an online registration form that you can fill out as well. On that registration form there is a keycode box, a place where you can enter the keycode.\u00a0 Just type in my name.\u00a0 Type in \u201cBOB.\u201d\u00a0 That will identify you as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener.\u00a0 The buy one, get one free offer will be yours. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call 1-800-358-6329, 1-800, \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201c\u201dL\u201d as in life, and the word \u201cTODAY\u201d and mention that you are a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener and you heard about a special offer and that you would like to attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway and you will qualify for the buy one, get one free offer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd again that offer is good this week and next week.\u00a0 It ends at the end of the month.\u00a0 So go online today or call 1-800-FLTODAY now and gets signed up for an upcoming Weekend to Remember marriage getaway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Now tomorrow we\u2019re going to talk more about how we can strengthen our marital communication, how we can change the climate in our home by doing a better job of listening to one another and expressing ourselves to one another.\u00a0 Tim Muehlhoff will be with us again tomorrow.\u00a0 I hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2010 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302197","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302197"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302197"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302197"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302197"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302197"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302197"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302197"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}