{"id":302196,"date":"2011-01-18T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-01-18T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/building-a-strong-communication-climate\/"},"modified":"2011-01-18T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-01-18T17:00:00","slug":"building-a-strong-communication-climate","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-a-strong-communication-climate\/","title":{"rendered":"Building a Strong Communication Climate"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How is your communication climate these days?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-18.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.05M","filesize_raw":"25218204","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082],"tags":[4527,5166],"podcast_series":[7782],"cwp_profile":[3245],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302196","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-communication","tag-growing-together","podcast_series-marriage-forecasting","cwp_profile-tim-muehlhoff","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302196\/building-a-strong-communication-climate","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302196\/building-a-strong-communication-climate","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"lrKtqj2BX6\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-a-strong-communication-climate\/\">Building a Strong Communication Climate<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/building-a-strong-communication-climate\/embed\/#?secret=lrKtqj2BX6\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Building a Strong Communication Climate&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"lrKtqj2BX6\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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Good communication is obviously important for a marriage to work well but there are times when effective communication can be difficult because emotions are involved and because we just don\u2019t have all the components we need in place for good communication to happen.\u00a0 Here\u2019s Dr. Tim Muehlhoff.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 One component is what we call acknowledgement.\u00a0 I simply acknowledge you as a person and your feelings and opinions.\u00a0 Now that\u2019s hard to do legitimately, especially if we feel like we\u2019re hurried or \u201cthis is my anniversary dinner and I would like to get around to enjoying it and right now this is a huge hindrance.\u00a0 You\u2019re being upset for some mystical Bermuda triangle reason.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes I say to men \u201cIt\u2019s like playing emotional jeopardy.\u00a0 Yes, I\u2019ll take hidden emotions for ten, please!\u201d\u00a0 You know?\u00a0 That can be frustrating.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, January 18<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 Does communicating with one another ever get frustrating at your place?\u00a0 We\u2019ll see if we can offer a little help today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to FamilyLife Today.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had kind of a blustery date night the other night.\u00a0 It just did not go well as a date night.\u00a0 Have you ever had those date nights?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Chilly?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 It just went south.\u00a0 Have you had nights like those?\u00a0 Where you go out for a date\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh yeah, especially when we were in the thick of raising teenagers!\u00a0 You go out with the idea of maybe a little connectivity, a little spark in the romance, a little warm time and then it turns south and starts heading to problem-solving.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, in this case with us this was a postponed anniversary dinner.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, you finally got around to that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 We couldn\u2019t do it on our anniversary so it was\u2026 We kept looking for a time and finally we\u2019ll do this, our postponed anniversary dinner.\u00a0 So we went out for a nice meal.\u00a0 The problem was I was leaving to go out of town the next day.\u00a0 I was preoccupied with what had gone on at work that day and I was preoccupied with\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thinking about what was about to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2026with what was coming up and what I needed to do to get ready.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And Mary Ann, being the sensitive, perceptive woman that she is\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 She was actually hoping for a little more connectivity, a little more emotional engagement\u2026\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\u2026than occurred that evening.\u00a0 By the end of the evening I had kind of blown her whole expectations for what our night together was going to be like and, yeah, it was not a good night. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact I was thinking maybe she and I ought to take advantage of the special offer that we\u2019re making for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners and the two of us sign up for a Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaway, one where I\u2019m not speaking, and just take a weekend and work through some of these issues.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis week and next week we\u2019re making available to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners a special opportunity for you to attend an upcoming Weekend to Remember marriage getaway.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got more than four dozen of them happening this spring in cities all around the country.\u00a0 If you sign up this week or next week and identify yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener, just by using my name, either write \u201cBOB\u201d in the key code box on the registration form or when you call in say \u201cI listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and Bob told me to call,\u201d you and your spouse can attend one of these upcoming Weekend to Remember marriage getaways.\u00a0 It\u2019s a buy one, get one free.\u00a0 You pay for your registration and your spouse coming absolutely free.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you can do that online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Again type \u201cBOB\u201d in the key code box on the registration form to quality for this special offer.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and just mention that you\u2019d like to attend a Weekend to Remember and that you heard us talking about it on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and you will qualify for the special offer.\u00a0 It\u2019s a buy one, get one free for an upcoming Weekend to Remember marriage getaway.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese are kicking off in another couple of weeks and will continue throughout the spring.\u00a0 So if folks want to know when a conference is coming to a city near where they live, they can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information or call us, again at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf Mary Ann and I do get out to an upcoming Weekend to Remember marriage getaway, maybe we\u2019ll wind up at a getaway where our guest on the program today is going to be speaking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the speakers who speaks at our conferences is Tim Muehlhoff.\u00a0 He joins us on FamilyLife today.\u00a0 Tim, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 It\u2019s great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tim is a doctor.\u00a0 He has a doctorate from the University of North Carolina in\u2026Bob\u2026communications!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I think we should just call him Dr. Tim.\u00a0 Kind of like Dr. Phil!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Dr. Tim.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 He can be our Dr. Tim!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Think about getting your doctorate in communications and being married.\u00a0 (laughter)\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat are you going to do with that?\u00a0 Well, you\u2019re going to write a book, that\u2019s what you\u2019re going to do.\u00a0 Out of all the great times of communication you and your wife Noreen have had during the past, what, two decades?\u00a0 How long have you been married?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Twenty years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Twenty years.\u00a0 Well, you have three sons (and there\u2019s another reason why the communication ought to be a challenge), ages sixteen, fifteen, and twelve.\u00a0 There is a lot of activity taking place in your family.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTim is also the Associate Professor of Communication at Biola University in Southern California and, also, Tim and Noreen speak at our Weekend to Remember marriage getaways and have been on the team for a number of years.\u00a0 He\u2019s written a book called <em>Marriage Forecasting<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow I want to ask you, for Bob, where\u2019s the hope here?\u00a0 Because marriage forecasting was a little chilly\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Cloudy and a little chilly\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2026on Bob\u2019s date.\u00a0 What advice are you going to give to Bob in the midst of a very practical situation like that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, you know communication theorists have believed that there are communication climates that are just as real as anything that happens outside your door.\u00a0 And a huge part of a communication climate is expectations.\u00a0 So heading into that dinner, whatever your wife\u2019s expectation for that dinner, really set the climate.\u00a0 When that started to go south, when she started to realize that she had a preoccupied husband that really affected the communication climate.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust like, let\u2019s say, you were trying to have that dinner outside and the temperature really started to shift, rain started to come in, the temperature really started to get cold, that would really affect your ability to enjoy dinner.\u00a0 Well, when the communication climate started to go south and it started to get chilly, absolutely.\u00a0 That shuts down all communication as if you\u2019re trying to have dinner outside.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s the thing.\u00a0 I could tell that she wanted engagement at a level that was more than we were having.\u00a0 I just couldn\u2019t unplug enough to get there.\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I\u2019d done the right preparation on my own getting ready for this thing.\u00a0 I was just trying to squeeze this whole thing in to an already crowded schedule and hoped that we could find an island.\u00a0 But we got to the island and we couldn\u2019t forget where we\u2019d just come from or where we were going.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Tim\u2019s written a book called <em>Marriage Forecasting<\/em> and in that book you have a concept that would apply to Bob right here.\u00a0 It\u2019s kind of being all there or \u201call in.\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s the exact term you use?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 It\u2019s called mindfulness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Mindfulness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 It can be \u201cfully present in the moment\u201d which is really hard for all of us.\u00a0 If you have teenage kids, if you have toddlers, if you\u2019re a business person who travels a lot, it\u2019s really hard.\u00a0 Add to it all of our technology.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had times when I\u2019m having lunch with my wife and I feel that vibration, knowing that I just got a text message.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh, it\u2019s not from holding her hand.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Of course it is, Dennis.\u00a0 Of course it is!\u00a0 But you know you\u2019re never fully there and you\u2019re always letting your mind wander and that\u2019s just part of the technological age that we\u2019re in.\u00a0 We have to really fight against that.\u00a0 Mindfulness is this idea that I try as much as humanly possible to actually be there.\u00a0 One of the things that we need to say to ourselves is a concept I actually got, not from a communication textbook, but actually from one of my favorite sports books.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of my favorite sports books is a book called <em>For the Love of the Game<\/em>, Michael Sharra\u2019s book.\u00a0 It\u2019s a great story about a baseball pitcher called Billy Chapel who\u2019s finishing his last game and he\u2019s pitching a perfect game.\u00a0 As he\u2019s getting closer to finishing this perfect game and the fans are going crazy, he\u2019s realizing the magnitude of everything.\u00a0 So he literally says to himself over and over, \u201cclear the mechanism, clear the mechanism.\u201d\u00a0 In the movie that\u2019s based on the book, it\u2019s really cool.\u00a0 Suddenly the crown noise dissipates.\u00a0 Suddenly all the distractions really go to the background.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI really, literally, sometimes when I\u2019m with my wife, have to say to myself silently, \u201cclear the mechanism.\u201d\u00a0 When it comes to work, hey, listen, clear that out of here.\u00a0 Thinking about things I need to do once I get back home, \u201cclear the mechanism.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo literally it\u2019s that inner dialogue that\u2019s saying, \u201cHey, listen.\u00a0 I\u2019m with my wife right now.\u00a0 I don\u2019t need to be thinking about work.\u00a0 I don\u2019t need to be thinking about deadlines.\u00a0 I\u2019m celebrating an anniversary with my wife.\u00a0 As much as humanly possible, I need to be fully present.\u201d\u00a0 And, do things that communicate to my wife that I am here.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat could be things like taking her hand, eye contact.\u00a0 You know, 63 to 93 percent of all communication is non-verbal.\u00a0 So, again, if I\u2019m looking over my shoulder at the CNN updates or the ESPN, that\u2019s what kills me.\u00a0 That music to Sports Center comes on and my wife could be saying the most intimate thing to me like \u201cHoney, I think I realized that as a child I was abducted by aliens\u201d and the theme music comes on\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughing)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cOh, but honey, wait.\u201d\u00a0 And it doesn\u2019t even matter what it is.\u00a0 It could be Yiddish shuffle boarding.\u00a0 And it\u2019s like, \u201cDid Yon get the red one?\u201d\u00a0 You know!\u00a0 So again I have to say to myself \u201cclear the mechanism.\u201d\u00a0 If I don\u2019t, you really notice that communication climate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I have a friend of mine who said he used to, and I don\u2019t know if he still does this or not, but he used to, on his drive home, he had a spot where he would pull off the road and just take five minutes to clear the mechanism.\u00a0 He\u2019s stop and he\u2019d think about \u201cwhat\u2019s my wife been doing all day?\u00a0 What have the kids been doing all day?\u201d\u00a0 He would start to preplan.\u00a0 I thought about if I was going to a business meeting, I would kind of think about the environment.\u00a0 I would get ready for it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 But we don\u2019t do that in our marital communication or as we reengage the home front.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And I would add to that.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to get super spiritual here, but I\u2019d encourage a man or a woman at that point to just pray.\u00a0 Ask God to help you clear the mechanism.\u00a0 Because if God exists, and He does, and if the Holy Spirit does energize us to be all there and to be transparent and be connected, then He can do that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow I want to ask you.\u00a0 That was good advice for a man who probably can clear the mechanism a little easier, perhaps because of how he\u2019s wired, being a little more segmented in how we approach life.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow does a woman clear the mechanism?\u00a0 I\u2019ve been involved in conversations with Barbara.\u00a0 She\u2019s preoccupied and sometimes, especially early in our marriage, she couldn\u2019t tell me what about.\u00a0 It may have been somehow I\u2019d disappointed her or discouraged her or hurt her earlier in the day and she was upset but couldn\u2019t tell me why she was upset.\u00a0 So to clear the mechanism for her was very difficult.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s where I would have to help her process.\u00a0 Because you\u2019re right.\u00a0 Sometimes it\u2019s hard for people to articulate exactly what is going on.\u00a0 \u201cI know I\u2019m upset but I can\u2019t tell you exactly why I\u2019m upset.\u201d\u00a0 Now at that point you have a choice to make.\u00a0 Sometimes we just get frustrated.\u00a0 We say, \u201cWell, this is ridiculous.\u00a0 You don\u2019t\u2019 even know why you\u2019re upset at me and that\u2019s making me more upset.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Oh yeah.\u00a0 Sure!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 At that point there\u2019s something we call communication spirals.\u00a0 I actually like that phrase because it can spiral out of control.\u00a0 We can get into a negative communication spiral .\u00a0 So I look at my wife, let\u2019s say, who says \u201cI\u2019m upset with you but I\u2019m not even sure why.\u201d\u00a0 I can look at her and say \u201cWell, that\u2019s just ridiculous.\u00a0 Well, how about this.\u00a0 I\u2019ll watch Sports Center.\u00a0 Get back to me when you figure it out.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughing)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay. This is ridiculous!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That works real well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s not going to work well.\u00a0 It really won\u2019t.\u00a0 I again have a choice to make, to sit with Noreen.\u00a0 One is to acknowledge the fact that she\u2019s upset.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember some old advice I got from a marriage counselor saying feelings initially aren\u2019t right or wrong.\u00a0 They just are.\u00a0 So I would look at my wife at this point and say, \u201cYou know, you are upset.\u00a0 You\u2019re disappointed.\u00a0 Even if you can\u2019t figure out why you\u2019re upset or disappointed, those initial feelings are legitimate to you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk about the components of a communication climate.\u00a0 But one component that communication theorists feel is the most important component is what we call acknowledgement.\u00a0 I simply acknowledge you as a person and your feelings and opinions.\u00a0 So as that point simply acknowledging that your wife is upset without trying to figure it out\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Without trying to fix it\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s what\u2019s caused the spiral in my relationship with my wife.\u00a0 Because as a man you try to fix it and she\u2019s not ready to be fixed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Or I become impatient with it.\u00a0 \u201cHoney, come on.\u00a0 Tell me what\u2019s wrong.\u00a0 Well, honey, I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Well, come on.\u00a0 Did I do this or did I do that?\u201d\u00a0 This is a form of fixing it, right.\u00a0 Because I\u2019m trying to speed her along to get to the root of why she is impatient.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>We kind of have to back off a little bit and to ask probing questions.\u00a0 Try to get into the reasons why she might be upset.\u00a0 Now that\u2019s hard to do legitimately, especially if we feel like we\u2019re hurried or \u201cthis is my anniversary dinner and I would like to get around to enjoying it and right now this is a huge hindrance.\u00a0 You\u2019re being upset for some mystical Bermuda triangle reason.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes I say to men \u201cIt\u2019s like playing emotional jeopardy.\u00a0 Yes, I\u2019ll take hidden emotions for ten places.\u201d\u00a0 You know.\u00a0 That can be frustrating!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo acknowledgement, though, is hugely important,\u00a0 to acknowledge whatever emotion my wife is feeling at that time.\u00a0 To get her the freedom to express what she needs to express.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to need communication tools to do that, questions to ask.\u00a0 The freedom for her to have the talk stage, where she feels like she can express it and I\u2019m not impatient for her to get around to it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis, I would go back and, not to over spiritualize it as well, no doubt during that time I need to stop and pray and say \u201cLord, your Word says I\u2019m to put other people\u2019s interests above myself and right now I\u2019m not.\u00a0 I\u2019m getting frustrated, annoyed with my wife, and no doubt, she\u2019s picking up on that.\u00a0 So Lord give me patience right now.\u00a0 Help me to put my wife\u2019s needs above my own and let me love her through patience and acknowledging her.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, by the way, the Harvard Negotiation Project said that any attempt you make to acknowledge another person, eye contact, nodding, questions, will often be seen as an affirmation and that that person will see that you are working to understand them and that no doubt they\u2019ll see that as a very affirming form of communication.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 There\u2019s a proverb that I\u2019m thinking of right now.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember the address of it but it says \u201cA man of many words comes to ruin.\u201d\u00a0 And in marriage, over the years I wish someone would have pulled me aside in the first decade or two, of my marriage and put their arm around my shoulders and maybe their hands around my neck, perhaps, and looked me in the eye and said, \u201cYou know, young man, you really need to do what Tim is talking about right here.\u00a0 You just need to acknowledge her and affirm her.\u201d\u00a0 That it\u2019s okay that she doesn\u2019t feel good or she didn\u2019t get sleep or she\u2019s frustrated or she\u2019s disappointed and just say, \u201cBoy, I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 I\u2019m really, really sorry.\u201d\u00a0 And mean it.\u00a0 Don\u2019t fake it because, if you fake it, that\u2019s not going to work either. But to be able to look your wife in the eye and let her know it\u2019s okay to have those feelings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 As I was thinking about what we were going to be talking about today, I was thinking how many of our communication challenges come from the fact that, as you say in your book, we don\u2019t have the right tools in the tool box or how many of the communication challenges come because our heart\u2019s not really in the right place in the first place?\u00a0 You know what I\u2019m saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Because I have found that if my heart is as it ought to be, just as you said, I\u2019m focused on preferring my wife above myself, where I see the responsibility I have as a husband to minister to her and connect with her, if my heart\u2019s there, even if I\u2019m clumsy with the tools, it usually works out okay.\u00a0 But if my heart\u2019s not there and I try pulling the tools out of the toolbox, and just say I\u2019ll try this technique or that technique, she can usually see through that.\u00a0 You know what I\u2019m saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I do, Bob.\u00a0 I totally agree with that.\u00a0 I would add a third one to what you listed.\u00a0 Have the right tool and your heart has to be in the right place.\u00a0 But I would add a third one to that.\u00a0 The setting has to be right.\u00a0 You can have the right tool, your heart can be in the right place, but if the setting isn\u2019t right then I\u2019m sure that\u2019s even going to work.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe book of Proverbs says that \u201ca word spoken in the right circumstances, at the right time.\u201d\u00a0 They actually compare it to a fine work of jewelry, Proverbs 25:11\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Apples of gold in a setting.\u00a0 Perfect.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 So that\u2019s what the whole book is about, what <em>Marriage Forecasting<\/em> is about, taking a look at your marriage as a communication climate, building it up so that we can have productive conversations.\u00a0 Sometimes couples need to actually refrain from having a conversation until the climate is strong enough and then have the conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I was just thinking the same thing, Tim.\u00a0 In my marriage I would say the number one thing Barbara and I have argued the most about is schedule.\u00a0 Just simply making decisions about where we\u2019re going to spend our time, whether it be vacation, what we\u2019re going to do on the weekend.\u00a0 And in the mist of competing demands, which are many, I know on more than one occasion I\u2019ve written Barbara an e-mail to say \u201csometime in the future let\u2019s discuss \u201cx\u201d or the possibility of doing this speaking engagement or perhaps going here on a getaway.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI then begin to measure with her how ready she is to have the discussion.\u00a0 I know for her any discussion around schedule creates pressure for her.\u00a0 It means getting ready to leave the kids that was back when we had children at home or it means getting the house ready for us to leave, to be able to go on vacation for a few days.\u00a0 It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t help with those things.\u00a0 I do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wait.\u00a0 Why do you have to get the house ready if you\u2019re going on vacation?\u00a0 Why does the house have to be ready? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Really.\u00a0 I think that way too, Bob.\u00a0 Seriously!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s how a man thinks and he\u2019s seeing it as a very binary choice, yes or no.\u00a0 But I\u2019ve had to learn there are times to engage my wife around a schedule decision if I have any hopes of getting g a yes, especially if it\u2019s something I think she\u2019s ultimately enjoy but right now she can\u2019t even entertain it.\u00a0 Sometimes it\u2019s not necessarily making your marriage strong enough to absorb the discussion.\u00a0 It\u2019s back to picking the right time and really measuring what the climate is it at that point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And not just waiting and hoping things improve.\u00a0 Picking a time and saying \u201cokay, we\u2019re going to talk about this because I know this is a delicate issue to talk about so let\u2019s wait and I hope things will improve so that we can talk about it.\u00a0 But actually setting out and saying, \u201cI\u2019m going to actually work on our relationship and improve the climate\u201d so that when we do sit down to talk about it, we have the best chance of having a productive conversation because I have systematically set out to improve our communication climate, based on the four components that make up every communication climate.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, a lot of study has been done on what comprises a communication climate since the world of Jack Gibb in the early 1960\u2019s.\u00a0 We actually have a lot of work that has been done on what composes a communication climate and how we can actually systematically improve it and strengthen it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know, really quickly, we we\u2019re going to have to unpack these later.\u00a0 What are those four components?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Tim:<\/strong>\u00a0 The four components are first, acknowledgement.\u00a0 How much do we acknowledge each other\u2019s viewpoints and emotions?\u00a0 Second, would be expectations we have of each other.\u00a0 Third, would be the level of commitment between spouses.\u00a0 Lastly is trust.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And all those are really skills that have to be built between a couple over a lifetime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, there are relational dynamics that have got to be present in a relationship.\u00a0 Your conversation in marriage, \u201cout of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.\u201d So is your heart right toward your spouse and then are those dynamics present?\u00a0 Are those a part of how you\u2019ve learned to communicate with one another.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou go into a lot of detail on this in your book <em>Marriage Forecasting, Changing the Climate of Your Relationship One Conversation at a Time<\/em> which we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> resource center.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf our listeners are interested they can go online to get a copy.\u00a0 Our website is FamilyLifeToday.com or they can call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY and ask for a copy of the book <em>Marriage Forecasting<\/em>.\u00a0 Again, the website, FamilyLifeToday.com or call toll free at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me also remind our listeners and encourage them to come out for one of our upcoming FamilyLife <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to be hosting more than fifty events in cities all around the country this spring and if listeners sign up this week or next week and register for an upcoming event, we\u2019re offering a buy one, get one free opportunity for FamilyLife Today listeners and it\u2019s good just this week and next week.\u00a0 So let me encourage you again to go online at FamilyLifeToday.com, register online.\u00a0 And the way you identity yourself as a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener is by typing my name in the key code box online.\u00a0 Type \u201cBOB\u201d in there.\u00a0 That\u2019s all you need to do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr call 1-800-FL-TODAY.\u00a0 We can answer any questions you have about the event and we can get you signed up over the phone.\u00a0 Just mention when you can that you listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and you heard about our special offer.\u00a0 And again, it\u2019s a buy one, get one free offer.\u00a0 You pay the regular registration fee for yourself and your spouse comes absolutely free.\u00a0 The toll free number, one more time, 1-800-FL-TODAY or register online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow we\u2019re going to continue to talk about how we can improve the communication climate in our marriage with our guest this week, Dr. Tim Muehlhoff.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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