{"id":302193,"date":"2011-01-13T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-01-13T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/idle-talk\/"},"modified":"2011-01-13T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-01-13T17:00:00","slug":"idle-talk","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/idle-talk\/","title":{"rendered":"Idle Talk"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Would you be more careful about what you said if you knew one day you would have to account for each word?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-13.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"30.94M","filesize_raw":"32440869","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902],"tags":[4914,2918,2877],"podcast_series":[7781],"cwp_profile":[3097],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302193","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","tag-arguing","tag-conflict","tag-marriage","podcast_series-war-of-words","cwp_profile-paul-david-tripp","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302193\/idle-talk","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302193\/idle-talk","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"jxo7qrAmAd\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/idle-talk\/\">Idle Talk<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/idle-talk\/embed\/#?secret=jxo7qrAmAd\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Idle Talk&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"jxo7qrAmAd\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-13.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-13.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0If I have an apple tree that consistently produces twisted, pulpy, inedible apples, I know there is something wrong at a deeper level than the individual apples.\u00a0 And if I have a harvest in my marriage of constant conflict, then right away I know there is something going on at the level of desire \u2013 you want something but you can't get it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 13<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to see if we can get to the root of some of the issues you may have been dealing with in your marital communication in recent days.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 I wonder how many couples who find themselves in conflict never have the benefit of having somebody skilled to come alongside them and say, \u201cLook.\u00a0 Let me help you look at some of the deeper issues here,\u201d and so they just keep fighting and can never figure out what the problem is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think about 99 percent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I do.\u00a0 In fact I think one of our problems in resolving conflict today is that most of us have never received one hour\u2019s worth of training around how to speak the truth in love, how to forgive, how to ask for forgiveness.\u00a0 I mean, you just go right down the line, Bob.\u00a0 The Bible really talks a great deal about how we should relate to one another, and equips us if we\u2019ll listen to it.\u00a0 But most of us have never been trained biblically in how we resolve issues that we can\u2019t solve with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0One of the projects that, as you know, I\u2019ve been working on over the last year has been taking some of our key principles from our <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae <\/em>marriage getaways and interpreting those in a video environment for an event that we\u2019re calling <em>The Art of Marriage.<\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a six-session video event designed for a lay couple to host in a local church or in a community or in whatever setting where you can gather anywhere from four to 40 to 400 or 4000 couples together.\u00a0 All of you get together and you go through these six sessions from the DVDs, and one of the sessions that we\u2019ve put together is on communication and conflict.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we start off by talking about God\u2019s purpose and design for marriage, and then we talk about why marriages go bad, then we talk about understanding our biblical responsibilities as husbands and wives and embracing that.\u00a0 Then we talk about communication and conflict, then we have a session that\u2019s devoted to intimacy and sex, and then a session that tries to help couples understand that your marriage and your family is about more than just the two of you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know what I like about it, Bob, is it\u2019s just exactly like the <em>Weekend to Remember.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>It\u2019s not only biblical, but it is people being authentic about the challenges and struggles they\u2019re experiencing in their marriage.\u00a0 But then they talk about how to apply the truth of Scripture to your marriage.\u00a0 Then you end up with a project where you give people time to work through what they\u2019ve learned and apply it instantly and practically to their own marriage, with their own spouse, and talk about \u201cHow do we begin to implement this in our marriage and family?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The premier weekend for <em>The Art of <\/em>Marriage is about four weeks away now.\u00a0 It\u2019s February 11<sup>th<\/sup> and 12<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 That\u2019s when <em>Art of Marriage <\/em>conferences are going to be hosted in cities all across the country; in fact, hundreds of locations have already been set up.\u00a0 But we\u2019ve still got folks this week who have been contacting us and adding their location, saying \u201cWe\u2019re going to do this in our church or in our community.\u00a0 We want to open the doors and invite others to come.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We\u2019ve got a big interactive map on our website.\u00a0 You go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>logo, and you can see all of the different locations where the events are being held.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 In fact, I know a doctor who lives in a town of about 35,000 people.\u00a0 He saw this and he said, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 The<em> Weekend to Remember <\/em>\u00a0will never come to my community, and so what we\u2019re going to do is we\u2019re going to go to a local college -- it used to be a junior college \u2013 it\u2019s now a four-year school \u2013 and we\u2019re going to see if we can rent their facility, their theatre, and show <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>\u00a0in there.\u00a0 He\u2019s got enough room for 400 people to come. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe\u2019s gone around town talking to pastors and other leaders in their community wanting to get the word out.\u00a0 So here\u2019s a doctor and his wife who want to make a difference in the marriages and families in a small town.\u00a0 They will make a difference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI predict, Bob, that we\u2019re going to see dozens of locations around the country, not only on the weekend of February 11 and 12, but in the next ten months that follow February.\u00a0 Throughout the year, people are going to be bringing this into their town and saying, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Let\u2019s push back against this culture of divorce and let\u2019s provide some help and hope biblically to our family members and our friends.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you want to find out about hosting an <em>Art of Marriage <\/em>event, or attending one of the upcoming events, because, again, these are open to the public, so you can go on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com, click on <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>link, find out where there\u2019s going to be an event near you, and then in many cases you can register online and plan to attend that event and be a part of the premier weekend for <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>video event.\u00a0 Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information and click on the link for <em>The Art of Marriage.<\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the guys who is featured in <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>video sessions is a guy named Paul David Tripp.\u00a0 He\u2019s an author and a conference speaker.\u00a0 He and his wife Luella have four grown children, live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.\u00a0 He\u2019s on the staff at Tenth Presbyterian Church in downtown Philadelphia.\u00a0 He wrote a book called <em>War of Words <\/em>where he looked at the whole process of communication and looked at it in a marriage context and said, \u201cWhat causes couples to get crossways with one another in marriage?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe sat down with him as one of about a dozen authors and experts that we interviewed for <em>The Art of Marriage. <\/em>\u00a0Today we\u2019re going to hear a portion of an interview that we did with Paul \u2013 oh, this was a number of years ago \u2013 around this issue of communication and conflict in marriage, and how couples can do a better job of listening to one another and expressing themselves to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>(Previously recorded)<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0Let's say there's a wife out there, and what she desires is a loving, understanding husband.\u00a0 All of us would say that's a desire for a good thing.\u00a0 The women out there say, \"Don't see anything that's wrong with this, because that's a good thing; I would say that's a good thing.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe Romans 1:25 principle helps us understand how that good thing becomes a bad thing.\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 Desire for a good thing becomes a bad thing when that desire becomes a ruling thing.\u00a0 When that desire takes control of me and now sets the agenda, now I can only respond to you in one of two ways.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you're helping me get it, I love you.\u00a0 I thank God that you are in my life.\u00a0 I think good thoughts about you.\u00a0 But if you are in the way of it, I'm angry at you.\u00a0 I have spontaneous irritation.\u00a0 I think bad thoughts about you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the problem is what I would call the morphing of desire.\u00a0 If I could go through this for a moment:\u00a0 Desire in and of itself is not a bad thing.\u00a0 God has given us the capacity to desire.\u00a0 Those desires must be held with an open hand.\u00a0 That's Christ saying, \"Father, if it's possible, let this cup pass from me.\"\u00a0 That's not a bad prayer \u2013 \u201cBut not my will, but yours, be done.\u201d\u00a0 It's always a submission to a greater agenda.\u00a0 Not wrong having an agenda \u2013 but I always hold my agenda in a submission to a greater agenda.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, here's what happens.\u00a0 Desire quickly morphs into demand.\u00a0 Now I've closed my fist around the desire, and if you're going to take it from me, you're going to have to fight with me.\u00a0 Demand is \"I must.\"\u00a0 You notice that desire has begun to claim turf in my heart.\u00a0 I'm not holding it in an open-handed way anymore.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\"I must\" or \"I deserve.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, that's right.\u00a0 Now it goes further \u2013 demand quickly gets viewed as need.\u00a0 That's the essential nature of this thing is the way I view it now.\u00a0 You know this, that the vast majority of things we call needs just aren't needs.\u00a0 You know how quickly desire becomes need if you have children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've never had one of my children come up to me and say, \"Dad, I sorta, kinda, desire a pair of shoes.\"\u00a0 They always say, \"I need a pair of shoes.\"\u00a0 I look down at them, I see leather-encased feet, you know, it's not actually a need, but they're convinced it's a need.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, desire has become demand, demand now gets viewed as need.\u00a0 Now, that's all happening inside of me.\u00a0 I don't realize it's happening.\u00a0 I don't realize that growingly I am now being controlled by the desire for this thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow it breaks out into my relationships.\u00a0 Need sets up expectation.\u00a0 Think about this \u2013 if I am convinced it's a need, and you say you love me, what does it seem right to expect?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0That you'll meet my need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0That you'll meet the need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0And it seems righteous for me to be angry at you for not meeting it.\u00a0 There's a direct relationship there between a sense of need and expectations.\u00a0 I am now not entering the room empty.\u00a0 I am now not entering the room with an open hand.\u00a0 I have a list of silent demands, and I'm not mad at you just because what you did is wrong, but because in doing something wrong, you have taken away from me what I crave.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tExpectation, when unfulfilled, leads to disappointment.\u00a0 You know, you know this if you've ever looked at vacation brochures before taking a vacation.\u00a0 I say to people all the time, \u201cDon't look at the brochures, you'll have a better time,\u201d because the brochures elevate the expectation to a level that you'll never reach.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so I am now disappointed \u2013 again, not just because you've done wrong, but in doing wrong, you haven't met the level of my expectations, which is the result of desire gone wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen disappointment leads to some aspect of punishment.\u00a0 I don't mean any kind of proper discipline.\u00a0 I mean striking back at one another.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me point to one of the simplest, most common forms and talk about how destructive it actually is \u2013 the silent treatment.\u00a0 You know, somebody doesn't meet my expectations, so I curse him with silence.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou're riding in the car with somebody and say, \"My, you're quiet.\"\u00a0 The person says, \"Is it a sin to be quiet?\"\u00a0 That's a bit of a clue.\u00a0 You say, \"Well, you're usually talkative.\u00a0 Are you angry at me?\"\u00a0 \"I'm not angry.\u00a0 I'm just being quiet.\"\u00a0 Now, what are we actually doing there?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm saying to you, \"Because you have offended and not met my expectations for whatever time it satisfies me, I will treat you as if you're dead.\"\u00a0 Now, if you have that happen 10, 12, 15, 20, 40 times in a marriage, it will set the character of that relationship.\u00a0 It's a very powerful thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that's a little strike-back.\u00a0 Think of striking back with words where I say things to another human being, because they've dashed my expectations, that person, who I say I love, should never, ever hear -- that will ring in their mind again and again and again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you have what the Bible says is my problem in my relationship with you is not just that you're a sinner, we all know that.\u00a0 We're all imperfect people, and there is a messiness in relationships.\u00a0 But in your failure, you actually step on the things that are really controlling my heart and I strike back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I want to go back to the beginning of that cycle and see where we could veer off in a different direction and how we'd do that.\u00a0 Let me just review it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou said you start with a desire, and a desire becomes a demand, and a demand then winds up being a need.\u00a0 You begin to view it as I have this need, and that sets up expectations, which lead to disappointment, which lead to punishment, right?\u00a0 That's the cycle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet's start off with something different.\u00a0 Let's say you have a desire that your husband would lead your family spiritually.\u00a0 We'd look at that, and we'd say, \"That's a legitimate desire and, in fact, it's a biblical expectation.\"\u00a0 So if I have that desire, and you say I need to be open-handed and kind of leave that before the Lord, does that mean I just desire it, but I remain passive?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0The question I would ask is this.\u00a0 If this is a good thing, first of all, what are the ways that I can be too focused and too controlled by this good thing?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn other words, I just become a condemning wife because I listen for spiritual leadership all the time, and it's like life is a final exam of spiritual leadership.\u00a0 You want to drive a man underground?\u00a0 That will do it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou're actually pushing him in a very different direction.\u00a0 He becomes defensive, he becomes angry, he feels like nothing he can do is right.\u00a0 So what are the ways, what are the places in my life, where I tend to be over-controlled by this desire for a good thing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe a wife would say, \"Hey, I just realized I've been way too critical in our personal family worship times.\u00a0 It's great that this guy even wants to have these.\u00a0 And, no, he doesn't always lead us like an eloquent teacher, but he's doing it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I'm looking, first, not at him but at me.\u00a0 Where are the places where I allow myself to be way too controlled; therefore, way too demanding; therefore, way too critical in this good thing and actually push us in a very different direction?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>But, Paul, you're not saying, in having this expectation that Bob used here, of a woman expecting her husband to provide spiritual leadership that she should reduce her expectations to zero?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0No, and I would say, further, that you want to retain the expectation or the desire, because the desire is a good thing.\u00a0 You want to make sure that you're not too controlled by that desire, but there's another thing.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou need to ask yourself the question \u2013 how can I be part of the production of this good thing in the life of this man that I love?\u00a0 Rather than where are the places where I can just point out that he's not measuring up?\u00a0 Where are the places that I can encourage and stimulate this good thing that needs to be in his life?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, a relationship that doesn't have expectations is a dying relationship, because the nature of relationships in an intimate way is that you do begin to have expectations \u2013 certain fundamental expectations \u2013 of one another. That you'll call each other, that you'll keep the relationship alive, that there will be certain things of respect done to encourage one another.\u00a0 Is that an accurate statement, Paul?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, absolutely.\u00a0 I think, particularly, as believers, we ought to have the highest of expectations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Just don't worship the expectation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Don't be controlled by it; don't make it your master.\u00a0 And so let me go all the way to the end now \u2013 somebody who is experiencing disappointment, and where there has been punishment in a marriage or a family relationship.\u00a0 They're saying, \"We keep coming to this same place.\u00a0 We keep punishing one another; we keep being disappointed with one another.\"\u00a0 How can they begin to dig back and look under the surface and say, \"What's really going on there and how can I get to a fix?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0I think the simplest question is \u2013 what was I wanting that got me here?\u00a0 What is that powerful desire that gripped me, that got us into this?\u00a0 Husband and wife both ask the same question.\u00a0 And then the Bible's direction is very simple \u2013 confess and then repent.\u00a0 Repentance is turn and go in another direction.\u00a0 Let's talk about a brand-new way of doing this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tImagine the wife saying to the husband, \"I have been terribly critical of you.\u00a0 Every time you try to share things scripturally, I have some criticism, and I need your forgiveness.\"\u00a0 And the husband says, \"You know, I think I've cared more about your opinion than God's call to me to be a good father and a spiritual leader in our family, and I need your forgiveness.\u00a0 Now let's talk about the way we can do this in a different way.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And so the wife, who is desiring intimacy with her husband, who longs for a soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart relationship, that's not wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0Absolutely not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That's a good desire.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0God wants her to have that desire.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>But when that desire becomes preeminent and she thinks about it first thing when she gets up; her radar is on throughout the day in ways that he doesn't meet that need with her \u2013 when he doesn't call, when he doesn't help with the kids, when he zones out in front of the TV instead of talking with her.\u00a0 At that point she needs to, you are saying, repent of being preoccupied, focused, and fixated on a need that is going unmet, and begin to find a way to encourage her husband and build into her husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0And I have encouraged thousands of wives, literally, to ask this question \u2013 how have I held this good desire in a way that is conflict-encouraging and conflict-producing?\u00a0 What a wonderful question.\u00a0 Because I'm not saying I want to let go of the desire, but I'm holding it in a way that actually encourages the very thing that I say I don't want \u2013 and that won't be solved by just getting after the other person.\u00a0 I've got to deal with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I just want to pull back, because that's a great question.\u00a0 How have I held onto this desire in a way that's conflict-producing?\u00a0 And if we recognize the desire is good but the conflict is not where we want to go, then we've got to do something different with the desire than what we've been doing, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yeah, you just can't keep going back \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u2026 insanity \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u2026 repeating over \u2013 and yet we do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, I quoted Bob Dylan yesterday.\u00a0 You remember me quoting that great theologian, Bob Dylan?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>How could I forget?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I was thinking today about the Bee Gees.\u00a0 Do you remember their song?\u00a0 (Does Bee Gees impression)\u00a0 \"It's only words\" \u2013 The point is, we often think of our words as being things that really aren't that significant.\u00a0 Yet this whole digging under the surface we've been doing, where we look at our desires, and we look at what they lead to in terms of expectations and how that leads to disappointment, how that leads to punishment \u2013 that's where it starts to show up is in the words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe can say it's only words, but all we have to do is peel back behind the words, and we find a whole truckload of garbage, often, that's sitting back behind those words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Bob, that was very well said \u2013 much better than your Bee Gees attempted imitation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want to say here, Paul David Tripp's book, <em>War of Words<\/em> \u2013 this book is going to take you deeper than just words.\u00a0 It's going to take you to heart issues like we've talked about today, and I would encourage every one of our listeners to think about getting a copy of this and perhaps begin to go through this a chapter at a time with your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Read through it together?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Read through it together and talk about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0We've got it, of course, in our FamilyLife Today resource center, so if listeners are interested they can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and request a copy or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and ask for Paul David Tripp\u2019s book <em>War of Words. <\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me also encourage you, though, to attend one of the upcoming showings of <em>The Art of Marriage.<\/em>\u00a0 This is the new succession video conference that we\u2019ve put together that is being hosted in hundreds of locations all across the country coming up Valentine\u2019s weekend, 2-11-11.\u00a0 You can go online and click the link for <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>and type in your zip code and you can find where one of these events is being hosted near where you live.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt may be a church you don\u2019t go to \u2013 that\u2019s fine.\u00a0 They\u2019d love to have you come out and be a part of this marriage event with people like Paul David Tripp and Al Mohler and Dennis Rainey and Barbara Rainey and Crawford Loritts and Voddie Baucham and Wayne Grudem and others.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a great six-session video conference.\u00a0 It\u2019s funny.\u00a0 It\u2019s fun.\u00a0 It\u2019s compelling to watch, and it\u2019ll help you.\u00a0 It will help you with your communication.\u00a0 It\u2019ll help you with the issue of sexual intimacy in your marriage, with how you resolve conflict, with understanding your roles in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 You can see the promotional trailer when you go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and click on <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>link.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you check and find that one of these events is not being hosted near where you live, then host one.\u00a0 You and your spouse can host one in your local church or in another location in your community.\u00a0 All of the details about how to do that are online at FamilyLifeToday.com when you click <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>link.\u00a0 So, hope you\u2019ll check it out.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have a cameo appearance.\u00a0 In fact, it would be fun if our listeners can spot my cameo appearance they ought to send us a note and say . . .\u00a0 I\u2019m in costume.\u00a0 I\u2019m in disguise, but we\u2019ll see if they can find me in <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>event.\u00a0 Again, find out more online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call us if you have any questions at 1- 800 - \u201cF\u201d as in Family, \u201cL\u201d as in Life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also hope you\u2019ll get in touch with us and consider making a contribution to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\u00a0 We are listener supported; your donations are what keep us on the air.\u00a0 This month, if you\u2019re able to make a donation to help support the ministry, we\u2019d love to send you a thank you gift.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a daily devotional guide for couples written by Dennis and Barbara Rainey called <em>Moments with You.<\/em>\u00a0 There is a reading for each day \u2013 one page.\u00a0 You read through it together, there are some discussion questions for you, a passage of Scripture to look at, and then a suggested prayer you can pray together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the <em>Moments with You<\/em> daily devotional is our way of saying thank you when you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 We appreciate your partnership with us; we couldn\u2019t do what we do without you.\u00a0 So this is just our way of saying thank you when you help support the ministry.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can make a donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, and if you do that and you want the devotional, type the word \u201cYOU\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, and when you make your donation by phone just ask for a copy of the devotional book, and we\u2019ll send it out to you.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s a full year-long devotional that we\u2019ll send to you and we really do appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you\u2019ll be back with us tomorrow.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk a little bit more about this event that\u2019s coming up on February 11<sup>th<\/sup> and 12<sup>th<\/sup>, this <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> video event.\u00a0 We\u2019ll let you know what\u2019s behind it, what we\u2019re hoping happens, and how you can be a part of it.\u00a0 So I hope you can tune in for that.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t2011 Copyright \u00a9 FamilyLife.\u00a0 All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["30.94M"],"filesize_raw":["32440869"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302193.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302193.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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you be more careful about what you said if you knew one day you would have to account for each word?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2011-01-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0If I have an apple tree that consistently produces twisted, pulpy, inedible apples, I know there is something wrong at a deeper level than the individual apples.\u00a0 And if I have a harvest in my marriage of constant conflict, then right away I know there is something going on at the level of desire \u2013 you want something but you can't get it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 13<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to see if we can get to the root of some of the issues you may have been dealing with in your marital communication in recent days.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition.\u00a0 I wonder how many couples who find themselves in conflict never have the benefit of having somebody skilled to come alongside them and say, \u201cLook.\u00a0 Let me help you look at some of the deeper issues here,\u201d and so they just keep fighting and can never figure out what the problem is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think about 99 percent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I do.\u00a0 In fact I think one of our problems in resolving conflict today is that most of us have never received one hour\u2019s worth of training around how to speak the truth in love, how to forgive, how to ask for forgiveness.\u00a0 I mean, you just go right down the line, Bob.\u00a0 The Bible really talks a great deal about how we should relate to one another, and equips us if we\u2019ll listen to it.\u00a0 But most of us have never been trained biblically in how we resolve issues that we can\u2019t solve with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0One of the projects that, as you know, I\u2019ve been working on over the last year has been taking some of our key principles from our <em>Weekend to Remember\u00ae <\/em>marriage getaways and interpreting those in a video environment for an event that we\u2019re calling <em>The Art of Marriage.<\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a six-session video event designed for a lay couple to host in a local church or in a community or in whatever setting where you can gather anywhere from four to 40 to 400 or 4000 couples together.\u00a0 All of you get together and you go through these six sessions from the DVDs, and one of the sessions that we\u2019ve put together is on communication and conflict.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we start off by talking about God\u2019s purpose and design for marriage, and then we talk about why marriages go bad, then we talk about understanding our biblical responsibilities as husbands and wives and embracing that.\u00a0 Then we talk about communication and conflict, then we have a session that\u2019s devoted to intimacy and sex, and then a session that tries to help couples understand that your marriage and your family is about more than just the two of you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know what I like about it, Bob, is it\u2019s just exactly like the <em>Weekend to Remember.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>It\u2019s not only biblical, but it is people being authentic about the challenges and struggles they\u2019re experiencing in their marriage.\u00a0 But then they talk about how to apply the truth of Scripture to your marriage.\u00a0 Then you end up with a project where you give people time to work through what they\u2019ve learned and apply it instantly and practically to their own marriage, with their own spouse, and talk about \u201cHow do we begin to implement this in our marriage and family?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 The premier weekend for <em>The Art of <\/em>Marriage is about four weeks away now.\u00a0 It\u2019s February 11<sup>th<\/sup> and 12<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 That\u2019s when <em>Art of Marriage <\/em>conferences are going to be hosted in cities all across the country; in fact, hundreds of locations have already been set up.\u00a0 But we\u2019ve still got folks this week who have been contacting us and adding their location, saying \u201cWe\u2019re going to do this in our church or in our community.\u00a0 We want to open the doors and invite others to come.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0We\u2019ve got a big interactive map on our website.\u00a0 You go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>logo, and you can see all of the different locations where the events are being held.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 In fact, I know a doctor who lives in a town of about 35,000 people.\u00a0 He saw this and he said, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 The<em> Weekend to Remember <\/em>\u00a0will never come to my community, and so what we\u2019re going to do is we\u2019re going to go to a local college -- it used to be a junior college \u2013 it\u2019s now a four-year school \u2013 and we\u2019re going to see if we can rent their facility, their theatre, and show <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>\u00a0in there.\u00a0 He\u2019s got enough room for 400 people to come. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe\u2019s gone around town talking to pastors and other leaders in their community wanting to get the word out.\u00a0 So here\u2019s a doctor and his wife who want to make a difference in the marriages and families in a small town.\u00a0 They will make a difference.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI predict, Bob, that we\u2019re going to see dozens of locations around the country, not only on the weekend of February 11 and 12, but in the next ten months that follow February.\u00a0 Throughout the year, people are going to be bringing this into their town and saying, \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Let\u2019s push back against this culture of divorce and let\u2019s provide some help and hope biblically to our family members and our friends.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 If you want to find out about hosting an <em>Art of Marriage <\/em>event, or attending one of the upcoming events, because, again, these are open to the public, so you can go on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com, click on <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>link, find out where there\u2019s going to be an event near you, and then in many cases you can register online and plan to attend that event and be a part of the premier weekend for <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>video event.\u00a0 Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information and click on the link for <em>The Art of Marriage.<\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the guys who is featured in <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>video sessions is a guy named Paul David Tripp.\u00a0 He\u2019s an author and a conference speaker.\u00a0 He and his wife Luella have four grown children, live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.\u00a0 He\u2019s on the staff at Tenth Presbyterian Church in downtown Philadelphia.\u00a0 He wrote a book called <em>War of Words <\/em>where he looked at the whole process of communication and looked at it in a marriage context and said, \u201cWhat causes couples to get crossways with one another in marriage?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe sat down with him as one of about a dozen authors and experts that we interviewed for <em>The Art of Marriage. <\/em>\u00a0Today we\u2019re going to hear a portion of an interview that we did with Paul \u2013 oh, this was a number of years ago \u2013 around this issue of communication and conflict in marriage, and how couples can do a better job of listening to one another and expressing themselves to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>(Previously recorded)<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0Let's say there's a wife out there, and what she desires is a loving, understanding husband.\u00a0 All of us would say that's a desire for a good thing.\u00a0 The women out there say, \"Don't see anything that's wrong with this, because that's a good thing; I would say that's a good thing.\"\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe Romans 1:25 principle helps us understand how that good thing becomes a bad thing.\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 Desire for a good thing becomes a bad thing when that desire becomes a ruling thing.\u00a0 When that desire takes control of me and now sets the agenda, now I can only respond to you in one of two ways.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you're helping me get it, I love you.\u00a0 I thank God that you are in my life.\u00a0 I think good thoughts about you.\u00a0 But if you are in the way of it, I'm angry at you.\u00a0 I have spontaneous irritation.\u00a0 I think bad thoughts about you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the problem is what I would call the morphing of desire.\u00a0 If I could go through this for a moment:\u00a0 Desire in and of itself is not a bad thing.\u00a0 God has given us the capacity to desire.\u00a0 Those desires must be held with an open hand.\u00a0 That's Christ saying, \"Father, if it's possible, let this cup pass from me.\"\u00a0 That's not a bad prayer \u2013 \u201cBut not my will, but yours, be done.\u201d\u00a0 It's always a submission to a greater agenda.\u00a0 Not wrong having an agenda \u2013 but I always hold my agenda in a submission to a greater agenda.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, here's what happens.\u00a0 Desire quickly morphs into demand.\u00a0 Now I've closed my fist around the desire, and if you're going to take it from me, you're going to have to fight with me.\u00a0 Demand is \"I must.\"\u00a0 You notice that desire has begun to claim turf in my heart.\u00a0 I'm not holding it in an open-handed way anymore.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\"I must\" or \"I deserve.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0Yeah, that's right.\u00a0 Now it goes further \u2013 demand quickly gets viewed as need.\u00a0 That's the essential nature of this thing is the way I view it now.\u00a0 You know this, that the vast majority of things we call needs just aren't needs.\u00a0 You know how quickly desire becomes need if you have children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI've never had one of my children come up to me and say, \"Dad, I sorta, kinda, desire a pair of shoes.\"\u00a0 They always say, \"I need a pair of shoes.\"\u00a0 I look down at them, I see leather-encased feet, you know, it's not actually a need, but they're convinced it's a need.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, desire has become demand, demand now gets viewed as need.\u00a0 Now, that's all happening inside of me.\u00a0 I don't realize it's happening.\u00a0 I don't realize that growingly I am now being controlled by the desire for this thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow it breaks out into my relationships.\u00a0 Need sets up expectation.\u00a0 Think about this \u2013 if I am convinced it's a need, and you say you love me, what does it seem right to expect?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0That you'll meet my need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0That you'll meet the need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0And it seems righteous for me to be angry at you for not meeting it.\u00a0 There's a direct relationship there between a sense of need and expectations.\u00a0 I am now not entering the room empty.\u00a0 I am now not entering the room with an open hand.\u00a0 I have a list of silent demands, and I'm not mad at you just because what you did is wrong, but because in doing something wrong, you have taken away from me what I crave.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tExpectation, when unfulfilled, leads to disappointment.\u00a0 You know, you know this if you've ever looked at vacation brochures before taking a vacation.\u00a0 I say to people all the time, \u201cDon't look at the brochures, you'll have a better time,\u201d because the brochures elevate the expectation to a level that you'll never reach.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so I am now disappointed \u2013 again, not just because you've done wrong, but in doing wrong, you haven't met the level of my expectations, which is the result of desire gone wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen disappointment leads to some aspect of punishment.\u00a0 I don't mean any kind of proper discipline.\u00a0 I mean striking back at one another.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me point to one of the simplest, most common forms and talk about how destructive it actually is \u2013 the silent treatment.\u00a0 You know, somebody doesn't meet my expectations, so I curse him with silence.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou're riding in the car with somebody and say, \"My, you're quiet.\"\u00a0 The person says, \"Is it a sin to be quiet?\"\u00a0 That's a bit of a clue.\u00a0 You say, \"Well, you're usually talkative.\u00a0 Are you angry at me?\"\u00a0 \"I'm not angry.\u00a0 I'm just being quiet.\"\u00a0 Now, what are we actually doing there?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm saying to you, \"Because you have offended and not met my expectations for whatever time it satisfies me, I will treat you as if you're dead.\"\u00a0 Now, if you have that happen 10, 12, 15, 20, 40 times in a marriage, it will set the character of that relationship.\u00a0 It's a very powerful thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, that's a little strike-back.\u00a0 Think of striking back with words where I say things to another human being, because they've dashed my expectations, that person, who I say I love, should never, ever hear -- that will ring in their mind again and again and again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you have what the Bible says is my problem in my relationship with you is not just that you're a sinner, we all know that.\u00a0 We're all imperfect people, and there is a messiness in relationships.\u00a0 But in your failure, you actually step on the things that are really controlling my heart and I strike back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I want to go back to the beginning of that cycle and see where we could veer off in a different direction and how we'd do that.\u00a0 Let me just review it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou said you start with a desire, and a desire becomes a demand, and a demand then winds up being a need.\u00a0 You begin to view it as I have this need, and that sets up expectations, which lead to disappointment, which lead to punishment, right?\u00a0 That's the cycle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet's start off with something different.\u00a0 Let's say you have a desire that your husband would lead your family spiritually.\u00a0 We'd look at that, and we'd say, \"That's a legitimate desire and, in fact, it's a biblical expectation.\"\u00a0 So if I have that desire, and you say I need to be open-handed and kind of leave that before the Lord, does that mean I just desire it, but I remain passive?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0The question I would ask is this.\u00a0 If this is a good thing, first of all, what are the ways that I can be too focused and too controlled by this good thing?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn other words, I just become a condemning wife because I listen for spiritual leadership all the time, and it's like life is a final exam of spiritual leadership.\u00a0 You want to drive a man underground?\u00a0 That will do it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou're actually pushing him in a very different direction.\u00a0 He becomes defensive, he becomes angry, he feels like nothing he can do is right.\u00a0 So what are the ways, what are the places in my life, where I tend to be over-controlled by this desire for a good thing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe a wife would say, \"Hey, I just realized I've been way too critical in our personal family worship times.\u00a0 It's great that this guy even wants to have these.\u00a0 And, no, he doesn't always lead us like an eloquent teacher, but he's doing it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I'm looking, first, not at him but at me.\u00a0 Where are the places where I allow myself to be way too controlled; therefore, way too demanding; therefore, way too critical in this good thing and actually push us in a very different direction?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>But, Paul, you're not saying, in having this expectation that Bob used here, of a woman expecting her husband to provide spiritual leadership that she should reduce her expectations to zero?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0No, and I would say, further, that you want to retain the expectation or the desire, because the desire is a good thing.\u00a0 You want to make sure that you're not too controlled by that desire, but there's another thing.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou need to ask yourself the question \u2013 how can I be part of the production of this good thing in the life of this man that I love?\u00a0 Rather than where are the places where I can just point out that he's not measuring up?\u00a0 Where are the places that I can encourage and stimulate this good thing that needs to be in his life?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know, a relationship that doesn't have expectations is a dying relationship, because the nature of relationships in an intimate way is that you do begin to have expectations \u2013 certain fundamental expectations \u2013 of one another. That you'll call each other, that you'll keep the relationship alive, that there will be certain things of respect done to encourage one another.\u00a0 Is that an accurate statement, Paul?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, absolutely.\u00a0 I think, particularly, as believers, we ought to have the highest of expectations.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Just don't worship the expectation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0That's right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Don't be controlled by it; don't make it your master.\u00a0 And so let me go all the way to the end now \u2013 somebody who is experiencing disappointment, and where there has been punishment in a marriage or a family relationship.\u00a0 They're saying, \"We keep coming to this same place.\u00a0 We keep punishing one another; we keep being disappointed with one another.\"\u00a0 How can they begin to dig back and look under the surface and say, \"What's really going on there and how can I get to a fix?\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0I think the simplest question is \u2013 what was I wanting that got me here?\u00a0 What is that powerful desire that gripped me, that got us into this?\u00a0 Husband and wife both ask the same question.\u00a0 And then the Bible's direction is very simple \u2013 confess and then repent.\u00a0 Repentance is turn and go in another direction.\u00a0 Let's talk about a brand-new way of doing this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tImagine the wife saying to the husband, \"I have been terribly critical of you.\u00a0 Every time you try to share things scripturally, I have some criticism, and I need your forgiveness.\"\u00a0 And the husband says, \"You know, I think I've cared more about your opinion than God's call to me to be a good father and a spiritual leader in our family, and I need your forgiveness.\u00a0 Now let's talk about the way we can do this in a different way.\"\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And so the wife, who is desiring intimacy with her husband, who longs for a soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart relationship, that's not wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0Absolutely not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>That's a good desire.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0God wants her to have that desire.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>But when that desire becomes preeminent and she thinks about it first thing when she gets up; her radar is on throughout the day in ways that he doesn't meet that need with her \u2013 when he doesn't call, when he doesn't help with the kids, when he zones out in front of the TV instead of talking with her.\u00a0 At that point she needs to, you are saying, repent of being preoccupied, focused, and fixated on a need that is going unmet, and begin to find a way to encourage her husband and build into her husband.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Paul:<\/strong>\u00a0And I have encouraged thousands of wives, literally, to ask this question \u2013 how have I held this good desire in a way that is conflict-encouraging and conflict-producing?\u00a0 What a wonderful question.\u00a0 Because I'm not saying I want to let go of the desire, but I'm holding it in a way that actually encourages the very thing that I say I don't want \u2013 and that won't be solved by just getting after the other person.\u00a0 I've got to deal with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I just want to pull back, because that's a great question.\u00a0 How have I held onto this desire in a way that's conflict-producing?\u00a0 And if we recognize the desire is good but the conflict is not where we want to go, then we've got to do something different with the desire than what we've been doing, right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yeah, you just can't keep going back \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u2026 insanity \u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>\u2026 repeating over \u2013 and yet we do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0You know, I quoted Bob Dylan yesterday.\u00a0 You remember me quoting that great theologian, Bob Dylan?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>How could I forget?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0I was thinking today about the Bee Gees.\u00a0 Do you remember their song?\u00a0 (Does Bee Gees impression)\u00a0 \"It's only words\" \u2013 The point is, we often think of our words as being things that really aren't that significant.\u00a0 Yet this whole digging under the surface we've been doing, where we look at our desires, and we look at what they lead to in terms of expectations and how that leads to disappointment, how that leads to punishment \u2013 that's where it starts to show up is in the words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe can say it's only words, but all we have to do is peel back behind the words, and we find a whole truckload of garbage, often, that's sitting back behind those words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Bob, that was very well said \u2013 much better than your Bee Gees attempted imitation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want to say here, Paul David Tripp's book, <em>War of Words<\/em> \u2013 this book is going to take you deeper than just words.\u00a0 It's going to take you to heart issues like we've talked about today, and I would encourage every one of our listeners to think about getting a copy of this and perhaps begin to go through this a chapter at a time with your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0Read through it together?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Read through it together and talk about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0We've got it, of course, in our FamilyLife Today resource center, so if listeners are interested they can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and request a copy or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and ask for Paul David Tripp\u2019s book <em>War of Words. <\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me also encourage you, though, to attend one of the upcoming showings of <em>The Art of Marriage.<\/em>\u00a0 This is the new succession video conference that we\u2019ve put together that is being hosted in hundreds of locations all across the country coming up Valentine\u2019s weekend, 2-11-11.\u00a0 You can go online and click the link for <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>and type in your zip code and you can find where one of these events is being hosted near where you live.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt may be a church you don\u2019t go to \u2013 that\u2019s fine.\u00a0 They\u2019d love to have you come out and be a part of this marriage event with people like Paul David Tripp and Al Mohler and Dennis Rainey and Barbara Rainey and Crawford Loritts and Voddie Baucham and Wayne Grudem and others.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a great six-session video conference.\u00a0 It\u2019s funny.\u00a0 It\u2019s fun.\u00a0 It\u2019s compelling to watch, and it\u2019ll help you.\u00a0 It will help you with your communication.\u00a0 It\u2019ll help you with the issue of sexual intimacy in your marriage, with how you resolve conflict, with understanding your roles in a marriage relationship.\u00a0 You can see the promotional trailer when you go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and click on <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>link.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you check and find that one of these events is not being hosted near where you live, then host one.\u00a0 You and your spouse can host one in your local church or in another location in your community.\u00a0 All of the details about how to do that are online at FamilyLifeToday.com when you click <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>link.\u00a0 So, hope you\u2019ll check it out.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have a cameo appearance.\u00a0 In fact, it would be fun if our listeners can spot my cameo appearance they ought to send us a note and say . . .\u00a0 I\u2019m in costume.\u00a0 I\u2019m in disguise, but we\u2019ll see if they can find me in <em>The Art of Marriage <\/em>event.\u00a0 Again, find out more online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call us if you have any questions at 1- 800 - \u201cF\u201d as in Family, \u201cL\u201d as in Life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also hope you\u2019ll get in touch with us and consider making a contribution to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\u00a0 We are listener supported; your donations are what keep us on the air.\u00a0 This month, if you\u2019re able to make a donation to help support the ministry, we\u2019d love to send you a thank you gift.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a daily devotional guide for couples written by Dennis and Barbara Rainey called <em>Moments with You.<\/em>\u00a0 There is a reading for each day \u2013 one page.\u00a0 You read through it together, there are some discussion questions for you, a passage of Scripture to look at, and then a suggested prayer you can pray together.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the <em>Moments with You<\/em> daily devotional is our way of saying thank you when you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\u00a0 We appreciate your partnership with us; we couldn\u2019t do what we do without you.\u00a0 So this is just our way of saying thank you when you help support the ministry.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can make a donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, and if you do that and you want the devotional, type the word \u201cYOU\u201d in the key code box on the online donation form.\u00a0 Or call 1-800-FLTODAY, and when you make your donation by phone just ask for a copy of the devotional book, and we\u2019ll send it out to you.\u00a0 Again, it\u2019s a full year-long devotional that we\u2019ll send to you and we really do appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you\u2019ll be back with us tomorrow.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to talk a little bit more about this event that\u2019s coming up on February 11<sup>th<\/sup> and 12<sup>th<\/sup>, this <em>Art of Marriage<\/em> video event.\u00a0 We\u2019ll let you know what\u2019s behind it, what we\u2019re hoping happens, and how you can be a part of it.\u00a0 So I hope you can tune in for that.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.\u00a0 On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.\u00a0 However, there is a cost to produce them for our website.\u00a0 If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/site\/c.dnJHKLNnFoG\/b.3782043\/k.384D\/Support_Us.htm\">donating today<\/a> to help 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