{"id":302091,"date":"2010-08-16T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-08-16T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/sexual-problems-in-marriage-part-1\/"},"modified":"2010-08-16T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-08-16T15:00:00","slug":"sexual-problems-in-marriage-part-1","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sexual-problems-in-marriage-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Sexual Problems in Marriage, Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Is the intimacy between you and your spouse all it can be?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-08-16.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"30.27M","filesize_raw":"31738183","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[4066,2991],"podcast_series":[7748],"cwp_profile":[3437],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302091","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-intimacy","tag-sex","podcast_series-sexual-problems-in-marriage","cwp_profile-dan-allender","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302091\/sexual-problems-in-marriage-part-1","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302091\/sexual-problems-in-marriage-part-1","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"2GqPcKlR6X\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sexual-problems-in-marriage-part-1\/\">Sexual Problems in Marriage, Part 1<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sexual-problems-in-marriage-part-1\/embed\/#?secret=2GqPcKlR6X\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Sexual Problems in Marriage, Part 1&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"2GqPcKlR6X\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var 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be?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-08-16.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now that Genesis 2:24 passage is the brilliant blueprint that God has for us for knowing how to have a relationship with our spouse.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t leave, you are not going to have good sex.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t cleave to your wife, you are not going to have good sex.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, August 16<sup>th<\/sup>.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey, and I am Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We are going to talk today about how our intimate relationship in marriage is a reflection of what's going on in the rest of our marriage relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition.\u00a0 We are going to be dealing with what is a sensitive subject today, but I am confident that our guest is going to help us do that in a way that is not only appropriate but also thoroughly biblical.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>A lot of our listeners have read his books and have enjoyed them for a number of years.\u00a0 Of course, we are speaking about Dr. Dan Allender.\u00a0 Dan, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you, Dennis.\u00a0 Thank you, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He is a man of the kindred spirit.\u00a0 He is also the Founder and Director of Wounded Heart Ministries, a writer, a speaker, a therapist.\u00a0 And among his books, he has authored the <em>Cry of the Soul<\/em>, <em>The Wounded Heart<\/em>, <em>Intimate Allies<\/em>, and <em>The Healing Path<\/em>.\u00a0 He is married to his wife Becky.\u00a0 And Dan, I want you to share what's the purpose of Wounded Heart Ministries and what do you do there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, Dennis, it originally began as I dealt with the issue of sexual abuse.\u00a0 It was a burden that I did not seek but God indeed put in my lap.\u00a0 As I began to address those issues, the book <em>Wounded Heart<\/em> was written.\u00a0 I have done a seminar.\u00a0 I do workshops.\u00a0 Basically, I am working with people to deal not just for sexual abuse but the broad, broad issue of what does it mean to live in a fallen world, knowing full well we are going to harmed not just by abuse but by many other events.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat does it mean to live for us purposes?\u00a0 What I have seen and certainly been working on for a significant period of time and it shows that most in the book <em>The Healing Path<\/em> is that evil is out to destroy faith, hope, and love.\u00a0 Now, ultimately, that\u2019s the damage of living in a fallen world.\u00a0 It's harder to believe and to trust, harder to hope and dream and anticipate, harder to love and give and receive.\u00a0 And so the task of Wounded Heart Ministries really is to help people grow and from my standpoint, and one of the most important and one of the most elemental areas of life, faith, hope and love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 I have benefited personally from the ministry of that seminar and I would encourage any pastor or lay leader, anyone who finds themselves counseling another person, or for that matter, those who may suffer from damage in the past of sexual abuse, this seminar \u2013 well, I don\u2019t know if there is anything like it in the country, especially from a Christian perspective.\u00a0 It is the most balanced and biblically based seminar of its kind anywhere in the world.\u00a0 You also are a professor at the Western Seminary in Seattle and have developed a program there with Western Seminary to equip seminarians in the area of biblical counseling.\u00a0 Tell us about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s a joy.\u00a0 All my work and all my labor, I still deeply enjoy and I also appreciate.\u00a0 But this is just fun to be able to work with people, to train them to be pastors, to be therapists, to be folks who are just in their community working with others no matter if they have a shingle or not to be able to invite them to a passion for the gospel.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we have a Master of Arts program in counseling.\u00a0 A Master of Divinity program and what we call a Master of Spiritual Nurture which is really a degree oriented for the layperson who wants to gain greater capacity to think about how the Gospel relates to life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I have known a number of people who have been through that seminary program and it really is a great program for anyone who wants to be biblically equipped in handling issues in life.\u00a0 And Dan, you have counseled now for more than 20 years.\u00a0 I hate to move to such a bottom-line question right at the beginning, but what would you say is the #1 problem when it comes to sexual intimacy in marriage for men and what would you say is the #1 problem when it comes to women?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Sin for men and sin \u2013\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Wait; let me guess on the women.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t(laughter)\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sin for women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd again, it\u2019s a very important and very serious question which I am not neglecting.\u00a0 I really do want to underline the fundamental issue.\u00a0 In marriage, we are called, and certainly this is one of the blueprints that you guys cover so brilliantly in terms of the FamilyLife Conference, there is a blueprint to marriage and it begins with leaving your mother and your father.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond, it begins when you cleave together as one.\u00a0 When there is really intimacy on the basis of communication, then it says, #3, you have a one-flesh relationship, you become one flesh.\u00a0 Now, that Genesis 2:24 passage is the brilliant blueprint that God has for us for knowing how to have a relationship with our spouse.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t leave, you are not going to have good sex.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t cleave to your wife, you are not going to have good sex.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBottom-line, God\u2019s intention is for a marriage to reveal Himself.\u00a0 Now, this may seem just a tad irreligious or impious.\u00a0 But God intends for sex to be a metaphor, a picture of the union between a believer and him.\u00a0 So that union of flesh becomes in the wonder of sexual pleasure, a picture of the kind of worship that God intends for us to enjoy with him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 You know when we approach this subject, it's interesting how we want to move to kind of the bottom-like for both men and women, but it isn\u2019t a \u201cone size fits all\u201d that is a solution for both sexes.\u00a0 You really do have to address the men as a group and the women as a group as you talk about this subject.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet's move to the men and talk about how that gender issue begins to manifest itself in men and the problems he faces as a men when it comes to sex.\u00a0 What do we begin there, Dan.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I will tell you what, most men would say and then we will deal with what's really happening behind closed doors but in a very appropriate way.\u00a0 What most men would say is their problem sexually is that their wife isn\u2019t that interested in them.\u00a0 And so in that sense, they are sexual, their wife is not, how can I get my wife to not be in the old term that we used to be used was frigid, how can I get her to basically warm up.\u00a0 And so the problem is, my wife is not interested, I wish she were, I am really a guy and that\u2019s what I think about and it's not my fault, so why can't my wife be more responsive.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know when you really go behind the scenes, what you find is there are a lot of other problems.\u00a0 I go back to the category of failure.\u00a0 I fear failure.\u00a0 I fear that I am not going to be able to please my wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>\u00a0Now, I am going to try and go through something very quickly here but still to be clear and that is the normal sexual responsiveness of a male.\u00a0 We know very much that we are aroused quickly and then there is a drop of interest very quickly.\u00a0 A wife\u2019s, a woman\u2019s response is literally, almost literally the opposite.\u00a0 Now, who did that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s a byproduct of the fall.\u00a0 I think God\u2019s intension is to literally have made us so different that in order to respond to one another, we have to know the other.\u00a0 We have to know how the other is made and delight in it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, I don\u2019t delight sometimes in my wife\u2019s lack of sexual responsiveness and I feel pressure.\u00a0 I feel like I am not doing a good enough job and why isn't she experiencing more pleasure.\u00a0 It feels like work and I am tired of the work.\u00a0 See she is not sexual.\u00a0 She is not built the same way you are.\u00a0 God didn\u2019t design her in that particular way.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, there may be other factors why she is not experiencing greater sexual pleasure, but let\u2019s start with that very first issue.\u00a0 I think I am sexual, I don\u2019t think she is.\u00a0 In fact, I am afraid of failure.\u00a0 Every man is.\u00a0 And if he says he is not, all I can tell you is because he is either a liar or a sociopath.\u00a0 And in that sense, he may be very good at sex but only because he uses it to conquest and control, not to deepen intimacy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Do you believe that sex is riskier for a man than it is for a woman?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan<\/strong>:\u00a0 Oh no.\u00a0 I think there are certain ways, the issue of a man is failure, the issue of a woman is loneliness, and the risk for her is the potential to be left alone.\u00a0 The risk of a man is failing.\u00a0 So in that sense, God has so designed not only in one sense our being but the consequences of sin.\u00a0 But I have to understand something that\u2019s so different than me.\u00a0 And that\u2019s why at times, I sort of want to have the old category of \u201cI am sexual, she is not.\u00a0 It\u2019s her problem.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I can get a man to face the fact, #1, he is afraid of sex; #2, he is not just afraid of sex, he is afraid of the issues of failure; and then #3, not just the issues of failure but he is far more, more vulnerable with the level of do you want me?\u00a0 Do you really want me?\u00a0 And not just do I please you?\u00a0 But do I please you and am I somebody you delight in?\u00a0 And once you get done to those heart issues, you tell me a man who doesn\u2019t struggle sexually.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of illusions of Hollywood we have got to get rid of in the Christian community.\u00a0 Men are afraid of sex.\u00a0 If you have got to a person listening to this broadcast who would say, \u201cthat\u2019s all my husband wants,\u201d all I can tell you is if you looked underneath the surface and you really were to engage him in relationship, you would find \u2013 and this is a tragedy \u2013 many women who don\u2019t like sex would begin to change and grow to a point where they begin to really love their body as God made it and to give their body and to receive pleasure often become women who really enjoy the sexuality God has built in them.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can tell you how many times what I\u2019ve seen as a therapist, is the husband begins to retreat.\u00a0 He begins to back away because though he thought he wanted great sex, the real reality is he wanted an orgasm.\u00a0 An orgasm doesn\u2019t require in one sense the labor of love and work.\u00a0 And therefore, you see man who are drawn to pornography, drawn the masturbation, drawn to those things that require on his part no risk.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 What you are talking about there is the woman who in order to experience that total package is a woman who experiences a relationship with her husband and that\u2019s what he is running from, isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan<\/strong>:\u00a0 We are right back to that blueprint and that is he must leave his own mother and father and he must cleave to her.\u00a0 And those are prerequisites, always, endlessly to a kind of sexual relationship that isn't just good sex but a sex that is good for the heart and for the body.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about \u2013 well, it\u2019s a letter I always receive when we do these kinds of broadcast, it is a wife who writes and who says, \u201cDennis, I am really sick and tired of you guys doing broadcast about men who are pursuing their wives sexually when that\u2019s not the case in our marriage.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI am the one who is interested, he isn't.\u00a0 Is there something wrong with me?\u201d\u00a0 It seems that in about 70% of the marriages, it is the husband who perhaps is more of the sexual initiator.\u00a0 But in another 30% of those marriages, it may be the wife who has the increased desire sexually for her husband.\u00a0 Can you give us a glimpse into what\u2019s taking place in a husband who is not as interested in his wife sexually as she is in him?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan<\/strong>:\u00a0 Actually, it\u2019s called HSD, Hypoactive Sexual Desire.\u00a0 It used to be called ISD.\u00a0 So first of all, the fact that it has a label tells us that this is not something that just came up in the last 20 to 30 years.\u00a0 It is an issue, that\u2019s why we have been trying to address the Hollywood lie that men want sex.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, some do, but when they really are invited to a relationship, they back out.\u00a0 Now, what we are addressing is the fact that a number of men actually have come to a point where they have passion elsewhere.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to talk about three issues real quickly.\u00a0 #1, exhaustion, many men are so busy, so driven, so consumed that literally they are the ones who come home at 6:00-6:30 and are exhausted.\u00a0 All they want to do is get something to drink, read the paper, have dinner, mess with the kids a little bit, and then go to bed.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tUnderlying that, second issue is, many men \u2013 I don\u2019t want to go to figures \u2013 many men have a very low level of depression.\u00a0 And when there is depression, you are going to find a lack of libido, a lack of sexual interest.\u00a0 And so many men, they are not major depressed and they are not suicidal but they are so exhausted, so overwhelmed and particularly in mid age, so many men are beginning to face the fact that the dreams that they had are no longer going to be fulfilled.\u00a0 They are not going make it to the top ladder at the corporate level.\u00a0 And now, what are they going to do?\u00a0 They are going to be a middle level manager.\u00a0 That\u2019s pretty cool but it\u2019s not going to lead them to the dreams of their life.\u00a0 And so they begin to have midlife crisis, which another way putting that is a certain low level of depression at mid age.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you also have the third issue and that is that we have passions elsewhere that don\u2019t require as much risk.\u00a0 Rooting for the Broncos there is not as much risk as pursuing my wife, somehow getting on the internet.\u00a0 And now, a third issue that ties to that is we have a great potential in our culture to have such private immorality that nobody knows about it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGoing to a store and buying a pornographic magazine, at least you have to go in public.\u00a0 Now, the internet, I can\u2019t tell you how often my clients are battling with the internet with regard to sexuality.\u00a0 I know you have had a number of shows on that, but I just want to add my voice to say it is a plague.\u00a0 And because of that, what we are finding is a lot of husbands have a loss of sexual interest because they are fantasizing and masturbating outside of the context of their covenant relationship with their spouse and, as a result, they don\u2019t have sexual interest because it\u2019s being directed elsewhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis<\/strong>:\u00a0 Okay, let\u2019s speak to that wife.\u00a0 How can she talk to her husband without causing him to flee further, without causing him to sell his soul even deeper to his hobby, his work, or maybe causing him to retreat into pornography and lie to her that he is even into it?\u00a0 How can she get through to him?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan<\/strong>:\u00a0 Well, I am going to say something very simple and I don\u2019t want to say it for long because of how it might be misunderstood.\u00a0 But the question is does she like sex?\u00a0 Does she really want to engage because there are a number of wives I work with as well who do want sexual contact and then when a husband begins to move, she quits.\u00a0 You often find there is yoyo, seesaw type relationship where one does, the other doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 And then where there is a shift, it goes right back again.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I need to know does she really want to be engaged and will stay engaged.\u00a0 Second, will she deal with at least the three issues I just brought up?\u00a0 Will she deal with the fact he is a workaholic?\u00a0 Will she deal with the fact that maybe there is depression?\u00a0 And will she deal with the fact that there might be immorality, maybe not an overt affair?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>:\u00a0 When you say will she deal with them, what do you mean?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan<\/strong>:\u00a0 Will she open that as a door and will she simply say to her husband \u201cYou don\u2019t want sex.\u201d \u201cOh no, I do.\u00a0 I have just been tired.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHoney, I don\u2019t mean to be unkind but I have actually been keeping a record.\u00a0 You haven\u2019t approached me in 62 days.\u00a0 The last time you approached me sexually was this date.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, she has got the data.\u00a0 Now, I just can\u2019t run from it.\u00a0 I have got to begin to say 62 days, not one sexual overture in two months?\u00a0 Something is going on here.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, I want to do something that I don\u2019t know that we have ever done here on the broadcast, Bob.\u00a0 But I want to ask you to turn right now to the man who is in my opinion not assuming sexual responsibility for his wife.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe is having sex once every 62 days with his wife.\u00a0 He is not approaching her.\u00a0 He is not giving her the physical affection that she desires, she wants.\u00a0 In fact, he thinks she is now nagging him every time she brings this up.\u00a0 She has kept this scorecard on more than one occasion.\u00a0 Speak to him about what does he need to do and what does he need to admit to his wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, I want to go out to lunch with him and I want to sit across from him and say something like this \u201cDo you understand sexuality is the Stradivarius of a relationship?\u00a0 It's the one thing that\u2019s affected by climate, temperature, etc.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean there is no part of my relationship with my wife more frail than our sexuality.\u00a0 I have been married 22 years and, let me tell you, we have had some wonderful days, horrible days and those weren\u2019t in the early part of our marriage.\u00a0 I am talking about last week, month, year.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen other portions of our relationship are not doing well or other things in our relationship with God are not doing well, it shows itself most profoundly in our sexuality more so than perhaps any other element of our life.\u00a0 So I want to look him in the eye and basically say, \u201cDo you think you are alone, how dare you?\u00a0 Yes, you have been told that by Hollywood and you have been told that perhaps by a number of men in locker rooms.\u00a0 But I am telling you, I struggle sexually with my wife and you do, too.\u00a0 So let\u2019s just get that down on the table.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow that I have said that, I don\u2019t want the man to feel shame.\u00a0 He already feels shame enough for somehow not being man enough.\u00a0 But now, let\u2019s begin to be honest and that is \u201cAre you an adulator in terms of you are exhausted because you don\u2019t have any time for sex?\u00a0 You don\u2019t have any time for your wife, your children?\u00a0 Well, quit working 75 hours a week.\u00a0 Let\u2019s talk about that.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to talk about sex.\u00a0 I want to talk about your workaholism.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you really are depressed.\u00a0 And oh yeah, you don\u2019t need to perhaps be on antidepressants.\u00a0 Maybe you do, but let\u2019s at least say there is a low level of depression we have got to talk about maybe because your dreams have begun to die.\u00a0 Now, that doesn\u2019t sound like a sexual talk, does it?\u00a0 But in one sense, it\u2019s directly or at least indirectly related to it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr third, let me just ask you very honestly, where is your heart with God with regard to the purity of your soul?\u00a0 You are struggling with the internet, struggling with pornography, fantasies, somebody at work that frankly has more of your heart than your wife?\u00a0 Let\u2019s at least own up to it.\u00a0 And now, I am not going to put my finger on your face, you wretched man.\u00a0 I am going to say oh wretched men, we are.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow \u2013 let\u2019s begin to struggle with that and as we do, I am really going to presume that if you want God, no struggle is such that you cannot grow to a point where you begin to see a victory.\u00a0 And when that occurs, yes, there would be ongoing movement towards your spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>And Dennis, it occurs to me that for one of the reasons God has created us with sexual desire and with sexual drive is to force us to have to confront some of the issues that we have run from otherwise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>No doubt about it.\u00a0 I think it is a mysterious drive that God placed within both male and female, that if that urge to merge was not there \u2013 I wonder I wonder sometimes how busy Barbara and I would be and how we would just go out and go do our own things and our life is touching only at points but never truly engaging and intertwining and becoming one, not merely physically but emotionally, spiritually and that truly delighting ourselves in one another\u2019s lives.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think in that regard, sex has been given to us to pull us out of all of life\u2019s pursuits and to drive us back to something very private, very personal that was meant to take place in marriage after there has been the leaving and the cleaving, and at that point, you become one flesh.\u00a0 What a beautiful picture of what God designed in his process and what a horrible job we have done of fouling up that beautiful act of marital love!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan<\/strong>:\u00a0 And not just us.\u00a0 Evil is so committed to destroying what most reveal something of the wonder of God\u2019s plan and something of the glory of what a metaphor it is of worship.\u00a0 So evil is so committed to, in one sense, entangling us from billboards, to pornography, to affairs.\u00a0 There is a sense in which you will not go out in this world today without being assaulted sexually.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, and it's why we have to in this area renew our minds on this subject the same way we would renew our minds on any other aspect of life.\u00a0 I mean we have talked to you about the fact that our intimate relationship should be part of what we do for the glory of God.\u00a0 Whether you eat or drink, you do it all for the glory of God.\u00a0 And if we are going to do that, we have to be thinking rightly, our heart has to be tuned to what the scriptures teach on this.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou deal with that, Dan and in your book <em>Intimate Allies<\/em>, I think it's part four of the book and I think it's a very helpful resource for couples.\u00a0 In fact, we have got the book in our FamilyLife Today Resource Centre and our listeners can go online at FamilylifeToday.com for more information about how to get a copy of the book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have copies of the book, Dennis, that you and your wife Barbara wrote called <em>Rekindling the Romance<\/em> where you deal with the romantic relationship and the sexual relationship.\u00a0 And that\u2019s been a very helpful book for couples as well.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo let me do this, let me encourage our listeners to go to <a href=\"http:\/\/www.familylifetoday.com\">\u00a0FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 <\/a>In addition to those two titles, we have other resources designed to help you in this particularly challenging area of the marriage relationship.\u00a0 Go online again at <a href=\"http:\/\/www.familylifetoday.com\">\u00a0FamilyLifeToday.com <\/a> for more information about the resources we have available.\u00a0 Or call toll free at 1-800-FL-TODAY, 1-800-358-6329.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you talked about the fact that our intimate relationship really is a reflection of what's going on in the rest of our marriage relationship, I was thinking about the CD series that we have been making available to listeners this month if they are able to help the ministry of FamilyLife with the donation of any amount.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's a series that features conversation we had with Tim and Joy Downs the authors of the book called <em>The Seven Conflicts of Marriage<\/em>.\u00a0 And if we have got conflict going on in our marriage and we don\u2019t know how to deal with it or how to address the issues, that\u2019s not going to help us in the area of our sexual relationship.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, these CDs are a gift that we are sending out to those of you who are able to help with the donation of any amount this month to help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\u00a0 We are listener supported.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd in fact, this month we are hoping that we can rally 2,500 of our regular listeners who have never made a donation to <em>Familylife Today<\/em>, we are asking you to consider making a first-time donation this month and being one of the 2,500 that we are hoping to get introduced to this month.\u00a0 If you would like to get the CD series with Tim and Joy Downs when you make your donation, just type the word \u201cSEVEN\u201d into the key code box.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you are a first-time donor to FamilyLife and if you are able to make a donation of $100 or more, we have an additional way we would like to say \u201cthank you,\u201d we would like to send you a certificate so that you and your spouse can attend one of our upcoming FamilyLife Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaways or you can pass this certificate along to another couple you know who would benefit by attending this two-and-a-half-day getaway for couples.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, there is nothing I know of that will do more for your marriage than going to one of these FamilyLife Weekend to Remember Marriage Getaways.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd again, you can attend as our guest if you are making a first-time donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and you can make a donation of $100 or more.\u00a0 Go online at FamilylifeToday.com, make a donation online.\u00a0 And again, if you would like the CDs, just type the word \u201cSEVEN\u201d in the key code box, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make your donation.\u00a0 Mention that you would like the CDs on Conflict.\u00a0 And if it is a first-time donation, just mention that you are also interested in going to the Weekend to Remember\u00ae and we will get a certificate out to you.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to continue our conversation with Dan Allender as we talk about intimacy in marriage and some of the challenges we face as couples in that area.\u00a0 I hope you can be back with us for that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey.\u00a0 I am Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/302091","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302091"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302091"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302091"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302091"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=302091"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=302091"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=302091"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}