{"id":302008,"date":"2010-04-06T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-04-06T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/factors-that-lead-to-a-strong-family\/"},"modified":"2010-04-06T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-04-06T15:00:00","slug":"factors-that-lead-to-a-strong-family","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/factors-that-lead-to-a-strong-family\/","title":{"rendered":"Factors That Lead to a Strong Family"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Wouldn\u2019t it be great then if you could do something now to ensure your children would stay close through adulthood?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-04-06.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.22M","filesize_raw":"25393253","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2856],"tags":[4388,4651],"podcast_series":[7718],"cwp_profile":[3055],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-302008","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adult-children","tag-relationships","tag-siblings","podcast_series-close-kids-connect-your-children-for-life","cwp_profile-brett-johnston","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/302008\/factors-that-lead-to-a-strong-family","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/302008\/factors-that-lead-to-a-strong-family","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"d9YTTRFHXl\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/factors-that-lead-to-a-strong-family\/\">Factors That Lead to a Strong Family<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/factors-that-lead-to-a-strong-family\/embed\/#?secret=d9YTTRFHXl\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Factors That Lead to a Strong Family&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"d9YTTRFHXl\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-04-06.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-04-06.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 If one of your goals as a parent is to have sons and daughters who get along with each other Brett Johnston says sharing meals together as a family may be more important than you ever realized.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Not only do we eat together as a family but we spend an extra 15 minutes after the meal is over just sitting around and talking.\u00a0 We have little kids, and we started this two years ago and all we were trying to do was add a minute or two after meals were over to sit and talk.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing how kids will open up - say you know what guys we\u2019re going to sit here for a few more minutes and just talk.\u00a0 They turn into Chatty Cathy\u2019s \u2013 they want to do it.\u00a0 They love to have their voice heard!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 6.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 In addition to sharing meals together as a family we have other thoughts today on how you can build strong sibling relationships that last for a lifetime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You know when I think about what we\u2019re talking about this week \u2013 kids being close with one another I just have this enduring image in my mind and I don\u2019t know that I\u2019ve ever seen it I\u2019ve just heard you describe it.\u00a0 It\u2019s the bedroom door up in the upstairs at the Rainey house?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I guess the door that is no more \u2013 the one that was ripped off the hinges?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know I think we got it repaired finally.\u00a0 What Bob\u2019s referring to \u2013 I\u2019m sure all of our listeners know exactly what that was Bob.\u00a0 Well, let me introduce our guest and he can comment on this because he\u2019s written a book called:\u00a0 <em>Close Kids.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Brett Johnston joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Brett welcome back!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you.\u00a0 I\u2019m happy to be here!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He\u2019s written this book about how to connect your children\u2019s hearts with one another for a lifetime.\u00a0 That is what a parent dreams about:\u00a0 That their kids would not only get along at home but after they leave home they really would like each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>But in the teenage season of life with your boys you were not sure they would both survive were you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know the boy\u2019s bedroom was right above the kitchen and there was a light that was suspended by a chain in our kitchen that when the boys were wrestling upstairs\u2014it was like it was tethered\u2014it just kind of bounced \u2013 that light did.\u00a0 You could hear it and one day there was a sound where they must have wrestled their way into the door.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Now, was this playful wrestling?\u00a0 Was this just\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh, I\u2019m sure \u2013 couple of teenage boys always playful \u2013 sure.\u00a0 Yes they get strong, the testosterone hits the muscles \u2013 they\u2019re trying to hurt each other.\u00a0 You kidding me that\u2019s why they rolled over into the door and somehow the door literally was partially ripped off the hinges.\u00a0 I bought a screw Brett that was about that long\u00a0 - almost eight inches long thinking I\u2019d find a stud somewhere in there to make that door work and all the way through our adolescent years that door was a monument to the sibling rivalry between those two boys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You wondered whether those boys would ever like each other again didn\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, what parent doesn\u2019t \u2013 you know?\u00a0 Unfortunately we didn\u2019t have a book like what Brett\u2019s written about how to help your kids stay close.\u00a0 You actually created this book out of a research project, which you went to 10,000 people on the Internet.\u00a0 What were the key findings of this research project?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the key findings is really that the relationship between siblings is the longest relationship that we\u2019ll ever have as people on the earth, and it\u2019s an important relationship.\u00a0 As I was going through the material the gravity or the weight of what my wife and I were trying to do really hit me that this is an important deal.\u00a0 This is a big deal.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I can somehow help my kid\u2019s because to be honest with you I was in it for us at the beginning.\u00a0 How can I help my kids and then it kind of grew because some other people really thought it was interesting.\u00a0 But, how can I help my kids have a great relationship as adults?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you look at almost every book on siblings today if you type in siblings you\u2019ll get four or five hundred books on sibling rivalry.\u00a0 Well, most of them are geared in the present, and I didn\u2019t care about the present.\u00a0 I cared about 20 years from now \u2013 30 years from now.\u00a0 The thought of my kids growing up and never speaking to each other just hurt our heart as parents to have that thought.\u00a0 That\u2019s just something we want to avoid and if there\u2019s anything we can do we\u2019re going to do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What about if there are big age gaps between the kids how does that factor in here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The closest kids were about one and a half years to two and a half years apart.\u00a0 But that being said there\u2019s an awesome story that came to me from a gentleman in New York.\u00a0 When he was growing up his sister was in high school, and he was ten years old.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said that one night his sister went out on a date or went out with her friends and when she came back home she looked at him and just like a devastating look that he gave her about you know she felt she was abandoning him.\u00a0 So, she made a promise to him:\u00a0 She said you know what I\u2019m going to go out with my friends on Friday night but Saturday\u2019s are yours.\u00a0 She kept the promise and he writes about all the things they used to do \u2013 go to Yonkers Park, different things that they did, inside jokes that they still have today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, he\u2019s talking about that with his kids.\u00a0\u00a0 He\u2019s saying you know Aunt Catherine did this for me \u2013 I want you guys to think about that and he\u2019s trying to teach his kids the importance of that sibling relationship and what it means over a lifetime.\u00a0 Because if you start thinking about a high school boy or girl abandoning their friends for a sibling that\u2019s ten years old it\u2019s phenomenal that she did that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think you make a great point here and Dennis this is where parents can really come alongside their older kids the teenagers and coach them and charge them and get them involved in building a relationship with their younger siblings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right and I\u2019m thinking of a conversation I had with one of our older daughters who had gone away to college and she was coming back.\u00a0 I just kind of pulled her aside before she reengaged the family and I said you have to understand you my dear are really a hero to these younger children especially your sisters.\u00a0 As you come back in the family I want you to look for ways that you can cheer them on in the choices they\u2019re making.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know what she did that and that made a big difference in those relationships.\u00a0 You know it\u2019s obvious here this is a program that is built around biblical principles and referring to how God has put a family together but you found that the relationship of a family to their belief system and how they handle the scriptures determined a great deal on what kind of relationships they had?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I did.\u00a0 There\u2019s actually two things in the top eight what I would call a pillar of having close kids:\u00a0 Things that those families did!\u00a0 Two of them relate directly to God \u2013 one is praying together as a family and the other is attending religious services together as a family.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t break that out.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t care about denomination just the fact that God is important in that family.\u00a0 I just think it speaks to a bigger picture as we are part of a bigger family than just us, and it kind of eliminates a lot of selfishness, which is a big issue in individualism of a family if you say hey there\u2019s something bigger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPraying together certainly is one of those things also, and something interesting that I found out about praying together as a family \u2013 that statement came from WWII and you guys can probably talk more about it than I could but the family that prays together stays together.\u00a0 Everybody\u2019s heard that but I had never seen anyone do any research to see if that was actually true or not.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the book was done, it was going to publishing, and I\u2019m driving down the street and I think you know what you have the divorce rates of adult siblings, and you have how much they prayed together as a family when they were kids why don\u2019t you correlate that together to see \u2013 force people to when they answer the question did your family pray together when you were growing up into four different categories:\u00a0 Never, seldom, most of the time, or all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t allow for a middle choice because I wanted people to have to go one-way or another.\u00a0 So, if you take the families that prayed together the most and compare them to the families that prayed together the least the divorce rate in the families that prayed together the least was three times higher than it was in the families that prayed together the most.\u00a0 So, I think Father Flanagan was onto something.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, you know it stands to reason again the Bible is about our relationship with God, it\u2019s about forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven us.\u00a0 One of the stories I really like that you told in your book was the story of two adult brothers who had a major disagreement with one another and they owned adjoining farms.\u00a0 Would you mind sharing that story because I think it\u2019s a great picture of how we need to be approaching our relationships with our siblings as we grow up to become adults.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Sure, I got the story sent to me actually by a man that took the survey.\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting but just to cut right to the story.\u00a0 There are two brothers that live on adjoining farms, and they spent their whole life working together, building things together, and just picking up each other when they needed it.\u00a0 They had a falling out, and one of them decided I\u2019m going to put a river in between his place and mine.\u00a0 So, he gets a plow, and he goes out there and plows and makes a river.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other brother not to be outdone says you know what I\u2019m going to do him one better.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to build a fence between where I don\u2019t even have to look at his place anymore.\u00a0 So, he goes and hires a guy to come out and build his fence \u2013 a carpenter.\u00a0 The guy says I\u2019m going to do something that pleases you!\u00a0 So, the brother that was paying to get the fence built went into town and when he came back there wasn\u2019t a fence there, there was a bridge there over the water.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs he was walking out I guess to tell the carpenter he wasn\u2019t very happy he noticed his brother coming the other direction with his hand out saying I can\u2019t believe you did this after all I\u2019ve done to you.\u00a0 They reconciled their relationship, and it\u2019s a great story about it\u2019s never too late.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I couldn\u2019t help but think after reading that story I wonder how many adults who\u2019ll read your book and they\u2019ll be thinking about helping their children establish a right relationship with their brother or sister and in the process they\u2019re going to become convicted that there\u2019s something that\u2019s come between them and their brother, or them and their sister.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPerhaps instead of building a fence they need to build a bridge, and they need to be obedient to God and go to their brother, go to their sister and say, \u201cYou know life\u2019s too short.\u00a0 Will you forgive me for\u2026, could we build a bridge together:\u00a0 Is there a possibility we could work this out?\u201d\u00a0 The Bible is a great book that tells us about forgiveness, about redemption and reconciliation.\u00a0 If there\u2019s a hope of that happening it ought to be to the person who says he\u2019s a follower of Jesus Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know I was interested in the fact that you said there\u2019s a leading factor in what causes siblings to be close with one another.\u00a0 It\u2019s did you have a great childhood.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking about my Mom who grew up in the depression and would probably say even in the midst of the depression she had a great childhood.\u00a0 We tend to associate great childhood with lack of adversity, but that\u2019s not necessarily what leads to a good or a bad childhood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDid you see any correlation between family trauma or childhood adversity because sometimes that can knit families together rather than push them apart?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right and it does.\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting because people ask that question a lot.\u00a0 Will a divorce hurt our family?\u00a0 If there\u2019s other trauma to the family what\u2019s that going to do to my kids?\u00a0 I think the short answer of that is it\u2019s going to do something.\u00a0 Be prepared for it, think about it, and talk about it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a great story in the book from a lady in Cincinnati and she writes about how her mother was an alcoholic, her father was always gone, they were always fighting together.\u00a0 When someone would come home in a rage the five kids would go plow in a closet together.\u00a0 Sometimes they\u2019d stay there for hours, and sometimes they\u2019d stay there for a day.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said there\u2019s no question in my mind that is why we\u2019re close today, and she\u2019s in her 60\u2019s.\u00a0 They have a great relationship and they came from a total turmoil.\u00a0 So, it says a lot about the power of siblings to be able to get through that together, and come out on the other side.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the things that you identified in your book that we haven\u2019t talked about that I think a lot of parents know instinctively but in our culture today it just seems virtually impossible to pull off \u2013 it\u2019s mealtimes.\u00a0 You found that families where there was a common regular mealtime that had an impact on sibling relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It does, and I think that we\u2019ve heard that before.\u00a0 People talk about mealtime and what I did was a little bit different as I looked at not only do we eat together as a family, but do we spend an extra 15 minutes after the meal is over just sitting around and talking?\u00a0 So, there were two different questions there and mealtime was significant, as people have said before.\u00a0 But, what was even more significant was those families that sit around after a meal is over and talk, and it\u2019s not easy to do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have little kids, and we started this two years ago really and all we were trying to do was add a minute or two after meals were over to sit and talk.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing how kids will open up at that time if you just try.\u00a0 Just say, \u201cYou know what guys we\u2019re going to sit here for a few more minutes and just talk.\u201d\u00a0 It amazes me that I have three girls but they turn into Chatty Cathy\u2019s \u2013 they want to do it \u2013 they love to have their voice heard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Let me see if I can summarize really the things we\u2019ve talked about this week that are the factors that you look at that really lead to a strong family.\u00a0 You said it\u2019s supporting one another in extracurricular activities:\u00a0 The siblings going to piano recitals and games and cheering one another on.\u00a0 You\u2019ve even taught your kids how to clap for one another, and how to cheer for one another right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely, and we started at a young age.\u00a0 We love to perform \u2013 as a matter of fact as crazy as it sounds my wife and I had a weekend off.\u00a0 Parents came and took the kids for the weekend and what did we do we built a stage for the girls upstairs so they could perform.\u00a0 They loved it \u2013 they came home.\u00a0 It was great.\u00a0 We looked at ourselves and thought wait a minute we could have sat around and just had a weekend to do nothing, and we built a stage.\u00a0 But, what that\u2019s done is it allowed the kids a moment to shine on their own, and it allows our others to look at them and clap for them.\u00a0 We do more clapping and rooting for each other in our family \u2013 it started really young.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So, cheering on a sibling.\u00a0 You talk about kids having an equal voice and parents insuring that all the kids are heard.\u00a0 You talk about praying together.\u00a0 About attending church together or religious services together.\u00a0 You talk about reading aloud as a family.\u00a0 Spending time together as siblings, and doing fun activities.\u00a0 You talk about mealtimes \u2013 being close.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen the last factor, which we really haven\u2019t talked about, is that kids are really watching how mom and dad get along with their brothers, and sisters aren\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They are and it\u2019s amazing what we say within earshot of the kids that we don\u2019t think about.\u00a0 To your question it is really important for both family members to be as close as they can to their adult siblings.\u00a0 Just, if we can pattern and show kids what it\u2019s like to be in a great conversation with Aunt Tara, and we love Aunt Tara, and the things that she does, and just all the positive things that we can talk about with our siblings then they see that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we talk about bad situations that we may be in with our brothers and sisters in front of them then they\u2019re going to learn maybe siblings are supposed to be more adversaries.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>If there are strained sibling relationships between mom and her siblings, or dad and his siblings that doesn\u2019t mean that you can\u2019t go to your kids and say we want something different for our family right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right \u2013 absolutely I think that\u2019s a conversation that you need to have and kids can understand that, and maybe even learn something from it.\u00a0 Not just be close themselves but say hey this is how they\u2019re acting in this situation what can we do to make it different?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Brett to that point as you were compiling the data you would kind of sort it from top to bottom and one of the sorts measured the experience you had with your sibling in terms of it being excellent or maybe poor you came upon a discovery at someone at the bottom of the list.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I did \u2013 the very bottom of the list I did a sort from those who are closest and have the best relationships with their siblings to those that had the worst relationship\u00a0 - that rated their sibling relationship a 1 out of 10.\u00a0 On the very bottom of the list was my own mom\u2019s name and I just looked at it and just stared.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what to think about it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe talks to her brother and I love my uncle.\u00a0 He\u2019s a great guy.\u00a0 But, their relationship was just not that good.\u00a0 They grew up with a single Mom in Dallas, Texas and my Mom used to get on a streetcar at five years old and go to a movie by herself \u2013 that\u2019s phenomenal!\u00a0 She\u2019s a very independent person, and my uncle\u2019s a very independent person.\u00a0 So, it just shocked me though to see her name on the very bottom of that list.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, the redemption side of that is I rated my personal childhood a perfect 10, and she rated her personal childhood extremely low.\u00a0 So, that gives hope to people because in one generation she said I\u2019m not going to have this for my kids.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to give them the gift of a great childhood and she did that:\u00a0 I rated mine a perfect 10!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy dad looked at that and he says, \u201cYou know what I did my job.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s true, he did do his job, and I didn\u2019t grow up with a lot of money so it had nothing to do with that but it had to do with love and affection and the things that they gave me at home that they committed themselves to-to turn that thing around.\u00a0 So, anyone that has a situation that you\u2019re in that you don\u2019t think you can get out of she\u2019s proof that you can \u2013 you can turn it around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, and I just would remind our listeners of the story of Joseph who didn\u2019t have a real pleasant experience with his brothers.\u00a0 I mean they sold him into slavery and it says in the scriptures what men intended for evil God used for good.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen it just like you shared Brett how God can take a situation that is not just less than perfect buy maybe evil, maybe has some really incredible tragedies in it and He can turn around and redeem it if we\u2019ll yield to Him and be obedient.\u00a0 That\u2019s really the story of Joseph \u2013 he refused to become embittered towards his brothers but instead was a part of their redemption and ultimately their survival.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, I think the point is that ultimately it is the spiritual foundation in the lives of our children that sustain relationships over a lifetime.\u00a0 It is learning how to love one another \u2013 even the one another\u2019s close to us, the one another\u2019s where life gets messy.\u00a0 We\u2019ve encouraged parents for years to be pro-active and not just assume that the spiritual development of your children is something that they\u2019ll take care of at church or at the Christian school.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you be a part of training them and fulfilling the mandate of Deuteronomy 6 to talk about the things of God as you walk by the way, as you\u2019re on the path together, as you rise up, as you lie down.\u00a0 In fact the resource that Kurt and Olivia Bruner put together with our team called:\u00a0 <em>Just Add Family<\/em> was designed with that in mind.\u00a0 It gives moms and dads a quick and easy way to have some family fun together around a spiritual theme.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a lot of families who have ordered this and have used it and found it to be very helpful in putting their family devotions together.\u00a0 You can find out more when you go to our website FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can order a copy from us if you\u2019d like.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain it\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Now on the website you\u2019ll also see more information about Brett\u2019s book which is called:\u00a0 <em>Close Kids: Connect Your Children for Life<\/em> and you can order that from us as well on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY \u2013 1-800-358-6329.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you get in touch with us we\u2019ll let you know how you can order Brett\u2019s book or the<em> Just Add Family <\/em>resource or how you can order both of them.\u00a0 You know we\u2019ve said for years probably the greatest foundation parents can provide for their children is a marriage that lasts.\u00a0 A marriage that is a strong healthy relationship between a husband and wife.\u00a0 That\u2019s what we\u2019re committed to here at FamilyLife helping strengthen marriages and strengthen families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal is to see every home become a godly home.\u00a0 That\u2019s what this radio show\u2019s all about, our web-site, our resources, our events, and it was more than two decades ago that we introduced a resource called:\u00a0 <em>The HomeBuilders Study Guide <\/em>\u2013 this was a small group study for couples designed to help strengthen marriages.\u00a0 The series went on to become the best selling series on marriage for small groups that\u2019s ever been produced.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have recently taken those <em>HomeBuilders Study Guides<\/em> and completely renovated them, refreshed them, updated them, and this month we wanted to make a couple of those <em>HomeBuilders Study Guides <\/em>available to any of our listeners who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>with a donation of any amount.\u00a0 We are listener supported; your donations are what keep us on mission and keep us pressing toward the goal of seeing every home become a godly home.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if you\u2019re able to make a donation on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com this month, and you\u2019d like to get two copies of <em>The HomeBuilders Building Your Marriage to Last Study Guide <\/em>\u2013 you can use it together as a couple to strengthen your marriage but probably the best way to use it is to invite other couples to join you, and put together a little marriage small group \u2013 talk about how to strengthen your marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com make a donation of any amount and when you do type the word \u201cBUILD\u201d into the key code box on the on-line donation form and we\u2019ll send out a copy of <em>The Homebuilders Study Guides <\/em>to you or call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That\u2019s1-800-358-6329. You can make a donation over the phone and just ask for the <em>HomeBuilders Guides.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Again let me say thanks for your support of the ministry we appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow we want to talk about what to do when relationships become toxic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Leslie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The difference between a healthy relationship or a destructive relationship is one of safety.\u00a0 I think when you feel safe enough to say ouch to somebody that really hurt me, and the other person says you know I shouldn\u2019t have said that \u2013 I was tired or I lost my temper or you know I need to get better control over my temper, my words, whatever.\u00a0 Then, you can move on but when someone doesn\u2019t feel even safe enough to tell someone that really hurt me, or that really bothers me they can\u2019t express their opinion \u2013 they can\u2019t be who they are because who they are is unacceptable to the other person then it becomes a really destructive relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Leslie Vernick joins us to talk about emotionally destructive relationships and how to respond to those.\u00a0 I hope you can be here with us as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>www.FamilyLife.com<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.22M"],"filesize_raw":["25393253"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-302008.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-302008.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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it be great then if you could do something now to ensure your children would stay close through adulthood?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2010-04-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0 If one of your goals as a parent is to have sons and daughters who get along with each other Brett Johnston says sharing meals together as a family may be more important than you ever realized.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Not only do we eat together as a family but we spend an extra 15 minutes after the meal is over just sitting around and talking.\u00a0 We have little kids, and we started this two years ago and all we were trying to do was add a minute or two after meals were over to sit and talk.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing how kids will open up - say you know what guys we\u2019re going to sit here for a few more minutes and just talk.\u00a0 They turn into Chatty Cathy\u2019s \u2013 they want to do it.\u00a0 They love to have their voice heard!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 6.\u00a0 Our host is the President of FamilyLife Dennis Rainey and I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 In addition to sharing meals together as a family we have other thoughts today on how you can build strong sibling relationships that last for a lifetime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> thanks for joining us.\u00a0 You know when I think about what we\u2019re talking about this week \u2013 kids being close with one another I just have this enduring image in my mind and I don\u2019t know that I\u2019ve ever seen it I\u2019ve just heard you describe it.\u00a0 It\u2019s the bedroom door up in the upstairs at the Rainey house?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 I guess the door that is no more \u2013 the one that was ripped off the hinges?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 You know I think we got it repaired finally.\u00a0 What Bob\u2019s referring to \u2013 I\u2019m sure all of our listeners know exactly what that was Bob.\u00a0 Well, let me introduce our guest and he can comment on this because he\u2019s written a book called:\u00a0 <em>Close Kids.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Brett Johnston joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Brett welcome back!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Thank you.\u00a0 I\u2019m happy to be here!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>He\u2019s written this book about how to connect your children\u2019s hearts with one another for a lifetime.\u00a0 That is what a parent dreams about:\u00a0 That their kids would not only get along at home but after they leave home they really would like each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>But in the teenage season of life with your boys you were not sure they would both survive were you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know the boy\u2019s bedroom was right above the kitchen and there was a light that was suspended by a chain in our kitchen that when the boys were wrestling upstairs\u2014it was like it was tethered\u2014it just kind of bounced \u2013 that light did.\u00a0 You could hear it and one day there was a sound where they must have wrestled their way into the door.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Now, was this playful wrestling?\u00a0 Was this just\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Oh, I\u2019m sure \u2013 couple of teenage boys always playful \u2013 sure.\u00a0 Yes they get strong, the testosterone hits the muscles \u2013 they\u2019re trying to hurt each other.\u00a0 You kidding me that\u2019s why they rolled over into the door and somehow the door literally was partially ripped off the hinges.\u00a0 I bought a screw Brett that was about that long\u00a0 - almost eight inches long thinking I\u2019d find a stud somewhere in there to make that door work and all the way through our adolescent years that door was a monument to the sibling rivalry between those two boys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You wondered whether those boys would ever like each other again didn\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, what parent doesn\u2019t \u2013 you know?\u00a0 Unfortunately we didn\u2019t have a book like what Brett\u2019s written about how to help your kids stay close.\u00a0 You actually created this book out of a research project, which you went to 10,000 people on the Internet.\u00a0 What were the key findings of this research project?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the key findings is really that the relationship between siblings is the longest relationship that we\u2019ll ever have as people on the earth, and it\u2019s an important relationship.\u00a0 As I was going through the material the gravity or the weight of what my wife and I were trying to do really hit me that this is an important deal.\u00a0 This is a big deal.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I can somehow help my kid\u2019s because to be honest with you I was in it for us at the beginning.\u00a0 How can I help my kids and then it kind of grew because some other people really thought it was interesting.\u00a0 But, how can I help my kids have a great relationship as adults?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you look at almost every book on siblings today if you type in siblings you\u2019ll get four or five hundred books on sibling rivalry.\u00a0 Well, most of them are geared in the present, and I didn\u2019t care about the present.\u00a0 I cared about 20 years from now \u2013 30 years from now.\u00a0 The thought of my kids growing up and never speaking to each other just hurt our heart as parents to have that thought.\u00a0 That\u2019s just something we want to avoid and if there\u2019s anything we can do we\u2019re going to do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 What about if there are big age gaps between the kids how does that factor in here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The closest kids were about one and a half years to two and a half years apart.\u00a0 But that being said there\u2019s an awesome story that came to me from a gentleman in New York.\u00a0 When he was growing up his sister was in high school, and he was ten years old.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said that one night his sister went out on a date or went out with her friends and when she came back home she looked at him and just like a devastating look that he gave her about you know she felt she was abandoning him.\u00a0 So, she made a promise to him:\u00a0 She said you know what I\u2019m going to go out with my friends on Friday night but Saturday\u2019s are yours.\u00a0 She kept the promise and he writes about all the things they used to do \u2013 go to Yonkers Park, different things that they did, inside jokes that they still have today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, he\u2019s talking about that with his kids.\u00a0\u00a0 He\u2019s saying you know Aunt Catherine did this for me \u2013 I want you guys to think about that and he\u2019s trying to teach his kids the importance of that sibling relationship and what it means over a lifetime.\u00a0 Because if you start thinking about a high school boy or girl abandoning their friends for a sibling that\u2019s ten years old it\u2019s phenomenal that she did that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I think you make a great point here and Dennis this is where parents can really come alongside their older kids the teenagers and coach them and charge them and get them involved in building a relationship with their younger siblings.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s right and I\u2019m thinking of a conversation I had with one of our older daughters who had gone away to college and she was coming back.\u00a0 I just kind of pulled her aside before she reengaged the family and I said you have to understand you my dear are really a hero to these younger children especially your sisters.\u00a0 As you come back in the family I want you to look for ways that you can cheer them on in the choices they\u2019re making.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know what she did that and that made a big difference in those relationships.\u00a0 You know it\u2019s obvious here this is a program that is built around biblical principles and referring to how God has put a family together but you found that the relationship of a family to their belief system and how they handle the scriptures determined a great deal on what kind of relationships they had?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I did.\u00a0 There\u2019s actually two things in the top eight what I would call a pillar of having close kids:\u00a0 Things that those families did!\u00a0 Two of them relate directly to God \u2013 one is praying together as a family and the other is attending religious services together as a family.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t break that out.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t care about denomination just the fact that God is important in that family.\u00a0 I just think it speaks to a bigger picture as we are part of a bigger family than just us, and it kind of eliminates a lot of selfishness, which is a big issue in individualism of a family if you say hey there\u2019s something bigger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPraying together certainly is one of those things also, and something interesting that I found out about praying together as a family \u2013 that statement came from WWII and you guys can probably talk more about it than I could but the family that prays together stays together.\u00a0 Everybody\u2019s heard that but I had never seen anyone do any research to see if that was actually true or not.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the book was done, it was going to publishing, and I\u2019m driving down the street and I think you know what you have the divorce rates of adult siblings, and you have how much they prayed together as a family when they were kids why don\u2019t you correlate that together to see \u2013 force people to when they answer the question did your family pray together when you were growing up into four different categories:\u00a0 Never, seldom, most of the time, or all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI didn\u2019t allow for a middle choice because I wanted people to have to go one-way or another.\u00a0 So, if you take the families that prayed together the most and compare them to the families that prayed together the least the divorce rate in the families that prayed together the least was three times higher than it was in the families that prayed together the most.\u00a0 So, I think Father Flanagan was onto something.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Well, you know it stands to reason again the Bible is about our relationship with God, it\u2019s about forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven us.\u00a0 One of the stories I really like that you told in your book was the story of two adult brothers who had a major disagreement with one another and they owned adjoining farms.\u00a0 Would you mind sharing that story because I think it\u2019s a great picture of how we need to be approaching our relationships with our siblings as we grow up to become adults.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Sure, I got the story sent to me actually by a man that took the survey.\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting but just to cut right to the story.\u00a0 There are two brothers that live on adjoining farms, and they spent their whole life working together, building things together, and just picking up each other when they needed it.\u00a0 They had a falling out, and one of them decided I\u2019m going to put a river in between his place and mine.\u00a0 So, he gets a plow, and he goes out there and plows and makes a river.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other brother not to be outdone says you know what I\u2019m going to do him one better.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to build a fence between where I don\u2019t even have to look at his place anymore.\u00a0 So, he goes and hires a guy to come out and build his fence \u2013 a carpenter.\u00a0 The guy says I\u2019m going to do something that pleases you!\u00a0 So, the brother that was paying to get the fence built went into town and when he came back there wasn\u2019t a fence there, there was a bridge there over the water.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs he was walking out I guess to tell the carpenter he wasn\u2019t very happy he noticed his brother coming the other direction with his hand out saying I can\u2019t believe you did this after all I\u2019ve done to you.\u00a0 They reconciled their relationship, and it\u2019s a great story about it\u2019s never too late.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I couldn\u2019t help but think after reading that story I wonder how many adults who\u2019ll read your book and they\u2019ll be thinking about helping their children establish a right relationship with their brother or sister and in the process they\u2019re going to become convicted that there\u2019s something that\u2019s come between them and their brother, or them and their sister.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPerhaps instead of building a fence they need to build a bridge, and they need to be obedient to God and go to their brother, go to their sister and say, \u201cYou know life\u2019s too short.\u00a0 Will you forgive me for\u2026, could we build a bridge together:\u00a0 Is there a possibility we could work this out?\u201d\u00a0 The Bible is a great book that tells us about forgiveness, about redemption and reconciliation.\u00a0 If there\u2019s a hope of that happening it ought to be to the person who says he\u2019s a follower of Jesus Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>You know I was interested in the fact that you said there\u2019s a leading factor in what causes siblings to be close with one another.\u00a0 It\u2019s did you have a great childhood.\u00a0 I\u2019m thinking about my Mom who grew up in the depression and would probably say even in the midst of the depression she had a great childhood.\u00a0 We tend to associate great childhood with lack of adversity, but that\u2019s not necessarily what leads to a good or a bad childhood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDid you see any correlation between family trauma or childhood adversity because sometimes that can knit families together rather than push them apart?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right and it does.\u00a0 It\u2019s interesting because people ask that question a lot.\u00a0 Will a divorce hurt our family?\u00a0 If there\u2019s other trauma to the family what\u2019s that going to do to my kids?\u00a0 I think the short answer of that is it\u2019s going to do something.\u00a0 Be prepared for it, think about it, and talk about it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a great story in the book from a lady in Cincinnati and she writes about how her mother was an alcoholic, her father was always gone, they were always fighting together.\u00a0 When someone would come home in a rage the five kids would go plow in a closet together.\u00a0 Sometimes they\u2019d stay there for hours, and sometimes they\u2019d stay there for a day.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said there\u2019s no question in my mind that is why we\u2019re close today, and she\u2019s in her 60\u2019s.\u00a0 They have a great relationship and they came from a total turmoil.\u00a0 So, it says a lot about the power of siblings to be able to get through that together, and come out on the other side.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>One of the things that you identified in your book that we haven\u2019t talked about that I think a lot of parents know instinctively but in our culture today it just seems virtually impossible to pull off \u2013 it\u2019s mealtimes.\u00a0 You found that families where there was a common regular mealtime that had an impact on sibling relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>It does, and I think that we\u2019ve heard that before.\u00a0 People talk about mealtime and what I did was a little bit different as I looked at not only do we eat together as a family, but do we spend an extra 15 minutes after the meal is over just sitting around and talking?\u00a0 So, there were two different questions there and mealtime was significant, as people have said before.\u00a0 But, what was even more significant was those families that sit around after a meal is over and talk, and it\u2019s not easy to do.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have little kids, and we started this two years ago really and all we were trying to do was add a minute or two after meals were over to sit and talk.\u00a0 It\u2019s amazing how kids will open up at that time if you just try.\u00a0 Just say, \u201cYou know what guys we\u2019re going to sit here for a few more minutes and just talk.\u201d\u00a0 It amazes me that I have three girls but they turn into Chatty Cathy\u2019s \u2013 they want to do it \u2013 they love to have their voice heard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Let me see if I can summarize really the things we\u2019ve talked about this week that are the factors that you look at that really lead to a strong family.\u00a0 You said it\u2019s supporting one another in extracurricular activities:\u00a0 The siblings going to piano recitals and games and cheering one another on.\u00a0 You\u2019ve even taught your kids how to clap for one another, and how to cheer for one another right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Absolutely, and we started at a young age.\u00a0 We love to perform \u2013 as a matter of fact as crazy as it sounds my wife and I had a weekend off.\u00a0 Parents came and took the kids for the weekend and what did we do we built a stage for the girls upstairs so they could perform.\u00a0 They loved it \u2013 they came home.\u00a0 It was great.\u00a0 We looked at ourselves and thought wait a minute we could have sat around and just had a weekend to do nothing, and we built a stage.\u00a0 But, what that\u2019s done is it allowed the kids a moment to shine on their own, and it allows our others to look at them and clap for them.\u00a0 We do more clapping and rooting for each other in our family \u2013 it started really young.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>So, cheering on a sibling.\u00a0 You talk about kids having an equal voice and parents insuring that all the kids are heard.\u00a0 You talk about praying together.\u00a0 About attending church together or religious services together.\u00a0 You talk about reading aloud as a family.\u00a0 Spending time together as siblings, and doing fun activities.\u00a0 You talk about mealtimes \u2013 being close.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen the last factor, which we really haven\u2019t talked about, is that kids are really watching how mom and dad get along with their brothers, and sisters aren\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>They are and it\u2019s amazing what we say within earshot of the kids that we don\u2019t think about.\u00a0 To your question it is really important for both family members to be as close as they can to their adult siblings.\u00a0 Just, if we can pattern and show kids what it\u2019s like to be in a great conversation with Aunt Tara, and we love Aunt Tara, and the things that she does, and just all the positive things that we can talk about with our siblings then they see that.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we talk about bad situations that we may be in with our brothers and sisters in front of them then they\u2019re going to learn maybe siblings are supposed to be more adversaries.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>If there are strained sibling relationships between mom and her siblings, or dad and his siblings that doesn\u2019t mean that you can\u2019t go to your kids and say we want something different for our family right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Right \u2013 absolutely I think that\u2019s a conversation that you need to have and kids can understand that, and maybe even learn something from it.\u00a0 Not just be close themselves but say hey this is how they\u2019re acting in this situation what can we do to make it different?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Brett to that point as you were compiling the data you would kind of sort it from top to bottom and one of the sorts measured the experience you had with your sibling in terms of it being excellent or maybe poor you came upon a discovery at someone at the bottom of the list.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brett:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I did \u2013 the very bottom of the list I did a sort from those who are closest and have the best relationships with their siblings to those that had the worst relationship\u00a0 - that rated their sibling relationship a 1 out of 10.\u00a0 On the very bottom of the list was my own mom\u2019s name and I just looked at it and just stared.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what to think about it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe talks to her brother and I love my uncle.\u00a0 He\u2019s a great guy.\u00a0 But, their relationship was just not that good.\u00a0 They grew up with a single Mom in Dallas, Texas and my Mom used to get on a streetcar at five years old and go to a movie by herself \u2013 that\u2019s phenomenal!\u00a0 She\u2019s a very independent person, and my uncle\u2019s a very independent person.\u00a0 So, it just shocked me though to see her name on the very bottom of that list.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, the redemption side of that is I rated my personal childhood a perfect 10, and she rated her personal childhood extremely low.\u00a0 So, that gives hope to people because in one generation she said I\u2019m not going to have this for my kids.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to give them the gift of a great childhood and she did that:\u00a0 I rated mine a perfect 10!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy dad looked at that and he says, \u201cYou know what I did my job.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s true, he did do his job, and I didn\u2019t grow up with a lot of money so it had nothing to do with that but it had to do with love and affection and the things that they gave me at home that they committed themselves to-to turn that thing around.\u00a0 So, anyone that has a situation that you\u2019re in that you don\u2019t think you can get out of she\u2019s proof that you can \u2013 you can turn it around.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, and I just would remind our listeners of the story of Joseph who didn\u2019t have a real pleasant experience with his brothers.\u00a0 I mean they sold him into slavery and it says in the scriptures what men intended for evil God used for good.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen it just like you shared Brett how God can take a situation that is not just less than perfect buy maybe evil, maybe has some really incredible tragedies in it and He can turn around and redeem it if we\u2019ll yield to Him and be obedient.\u00a0 That\u2019s really the story of Joseph \u2013 he refused to become embittered towards his brothers but instead was a part of their redemption and ultimately their survival.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>Yes, I think the point is that ultimately it is the spiritual foundation in the lives of our children that sustain relationships over a lifetime.\u00a0 It is learning how to love one another \u2013 even the one another\u2019s close to us, the one another\u2019s where life gets messy.\u00a0 We\u2019ve encouraged parents for years to be pro-active and not just assume that the spiritual development of your children is something that they\u2019ll take care of at church or at the Christian school.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you be a part of training them and fulfilling the mandate of Deuteronomy 6 to talk about the things of God as you walk by the way, as you\u2019re on the path together, as you rise up, as you lie down.\u00a0 In fact the resource that Kurt and Olivia Bruner put together with our team called:\u00a0 <em>Just Add Family<\/em> was designed with that in mind.\u00a0 It gives moms and dads a quick and easy way to have some family fun together around a spiritual theme.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a lot of families who have ordered this and have used it and found it to be very helpful in putting their family devotions together.\u00a0 You can find out more when you go to our website FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 You can order a copy from us if you\u2019d like.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain it\u2019s FamilyLifeToday.com.\u00a0 Now on the website you\u2019ll also see more information about Brett\u2019s book which is called:\u00a0 <em>Close Kids: Connect Your Children for Life<\/em> and you can order that from us as well on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FLTODAY \u2013 1-800-358-6329.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you get in touch with us we\u2019ll let you know how you can order Brett\u2019s book or the<em> Just Add Family <\/em>resource or how you can order both of them.\u00a0 You know we\u2019ve said for years probably the greatest foundation parents can provide for their children is a marriage that lasts.\u00a0 A marriage that is a strong healthy relationship between a husband and wife.\u00a0 That\u2019s what we\u2019re committed to here at FamilyLife helping strengthen marriages and strengthen families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal is to see every home become a godly home.\u00a0 That\u2019s what this radio show\u2019s all about, our web-site, our resources, our events, and it was more than two decades ago that we introduced a resource called:\u00a0 <em>The HomeBuilders Study Guide <\/em>\u2013 this was a small group study for couples designed to help strengthen marriages.\u00a0 The series went on to become the best selling series on marriage for small groups that\u2019s ever been produced.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have recently taken those <em>HomeBuilders Study Guides<\/em> and completely renovated them, refreshed them, updated them, and this month we wanted to make a couple of those <em>HomeBuilders Study Guides <\/em>available to any of our listeners who can help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>with a donation of any amount.\u00a0 We are listener supported; your donations are what keep us on mission and keep us pressing toward the goal of seeing every home become a godly home.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if you\u2019re able to make a donation on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com this month, and you\u2019d like to get two copies of <em>The HomeBuilders Building Your Marriage to Last Study Guide <\/em>\u2013 you can use it together as a couple to strengthen your marriage but probably the best way to use it is to invite other couples to join you, and put together a little marriage small group \u2013 talk about how to strengthen your marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo on-line at FamilyLifeToday.com make a donation of any amount and when you do type the word \u201cBUILD\u201d into the key code box on the on-line donation form and we\u2019ll send out a copy of <em>The Homebuilders Study Guides <\/em>to you or call 1-800-FLTODAY.\u00a0 That\u2019s1-800-358-6329. You can make a donation over the phone and just ask for the <em>HomeBuilders Guides.<\/em><em>\u00a0 <\/em>Again let me say thanks for your support of the ministry we appreciate your partnership with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow tomorrow we want to talk about what to do when relationships become toxic.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Leslie:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>The difference between a healthy relationship or a destructive relationship is one of safety.\u00a0 I think when you feel safe enough to say ouch to somebody that really hurt me, and the other person says you know I shouldn\u2019t have said that \u2013 I was tired or I lost my temper or you know I need to get better control over my temper, my words, whatever.\u00a0 Then, you can move on but when someone doesn\u2019t feel even safe enough to tell someone that really hurt me, or that really bothers me they can\u2019t express their opinion \u2013 they can\u2019t be who they are because who they are is unacceptable to the other person then it becomes a really destructive relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Leslie Vernick joins us to talk about emotionally destructive relationships and how to respond to those.\u00a0 I hope you can be here with us as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Dennis Rainey I\u2019m Bob Lepine.\u00a0 We\u2019ll see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today.\u00a0 Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts for you. However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright \u00a9 FamilyLife. 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